20 Sentence Mistakes New Fantasy Writers Make

This is a full masterclass on writing better sentences in your fantasy novel.
Get ProWritingAid (20% discount with my affiliate link): jedherne.com/prowritingaid
⏲️ TIMESTAMPS:
00:00 - Introduction
00:07 - Time travelling reactions
01:01 - Double Negatives
01:45 - Incorrect adjective order
03:49 - Overindulging on adjectives
04:49 - Bubble wrap words
08:55 - Incorrect adjective pacing
10:38 - Repetitive sentence lengths
12:50 - Weird anatomy
14:19 - Sentence splices
16:07 - Passive voice
18:22 - The Ending Bias
19:37 - Beige diction
21:48 - Anachronistic words
24:25 - Ignoring the Oxford comma
25:35 - Thoughtless adverbs
27:00 - Generic verbs
28:08 - Thesaurus brain
29:31 - Silly dialogue tags
31:40 - Describing what isn't happening
32:35 - Weasel words
✏️ MY FREE WRITING ADVICE BOOK:
Get my free book: '5 Lessons That Transformed My Writing': jedherne.com/lessons
🚀 BUILD BETTER WRITING HABITS:
Join my Easy Writing Habits course: easywritinghabits.com/
📙 MY BOOKS:
Across the Broken Stars: jedherne.com/acrossthebrokens...
The Thunder Heist: jedherne.com/thethunderheist/
Fires of the Dead: jedherne.com/firesofthedead
Kingdom of Dragons: www.kickstarter.com/projects/...
🎮 MY VIDEO GAME:
Siege of Treboulain: jedherne.com/siege-of-treboul...
🧑 ABOUT ME:
Hi! My name's Jed Herne. I'm a fantasy author with four published novels and a video game. On this channel, I draw from my 10+ years of writing experience to help you become a better writer.

[@bksue20]

As a linguistics student, hearing someone saying double negatives is a mistake enrages me lol They do not cancel each other. The meaning of a sentence is determined by what the writer meant and what the reader understood, logic has nothing to do with it. As a matter of fact, double negatives often express a meaning that neither negation nor affirmation can express. For example, “He is not unhappy” means “He is happy to some extent". It cannot be replaced with "He is happy" or "He is sad".

[@eldara3]

Yeah that was the thing I disagreed most with. There's an implication to a double negative that isn't present in a simple negative/positive sentence. The example in the video is a bit strange regardless (I'm not entirely clear on what fighting with respect looks like), but there is an implication of "[...], but in this case, they did." It *can* be a mistake if one doesn't think about the implication of course. If he really is happy, then there is little point in describing him as not unhappy, because those two mean something quite different

[@sophiejones3554]

TRUE! He should really have clarified that the problem in the example sentence (and with a lot of double negative sentences) is vagueness. "The warriors rarely fought without respect" is vague about two points 1) is it the warriors who are showing respect, or other people showing respect to them? 2) do they intentionally include the element of respect, or is it just the nature of their environment that most fights are respectful? This sentence could mean that the warriors usually don't muster without the encouragement of their community, or that the warriors usually conduct themselves in a respectful manner, or that the local nations usually fight wars of maneuver that involve very little boodshed. As a reader, I have no idea which of these meanings the author intended. "The[noun][negative][verb][negative][noun]" is a common sentence structure in speech, but ambiguous in writing. It should be avoided outside of dialog, and even then only if you are *intending* characters to guess the meaning of the phrase incorrectly. In speech, things like emphasis and gestures can clarify the meaning of a sentence like this. In writing, you need to use stronger sentence structure in order to convey meaning. "The warriors usually fought with respect." Though it's perhaps worth noting that a different double negative phrase would be unambiguous here: "it was unlike the warriors to be so disrespectful" also conveys the meaning, as well as a sense that the narrator doesn't believe what they see/hear (do they have unexamined biases? Is there a conspiracy afoot?) Double negatives aren't *always* bad, but this case is bad because it is vague.

[@yay29823]

I guess it depends on the context and what the writer's intentions are. You shouldn't follow the rule for it's own sake. Instead, you should focus on what kind of information we are trying to convey. If it can be conveyed more efficiently using the video's tips, you should probably go for it, but it doesn't apply to all situations.

[@jacobcook7019]

I don't believe he said that because the sentences didn't work, just that it's clunky and unnecesary, often times

[@ChrisJones-tv7gj]

Like many of these guidelines, they are not rules. I agree that double negatives do provide nuance, but too much will make writing clunky. So... double negatives aren't bad...?

[@OrangeHand]

I wonder how much more pressure there is for writing channels to adhere to their own advice in their own writing. Imagine publishing a book and someone says 'you said in your one video not to do this thing, but you did it here.' Just goes to show how hard this craft is.

[@codyhensley640]

From what I've seen, it honestly happens a lot. Lol.

[@devinkipp4344]

From my understanding this is what happened with hello future me and why it took him so long to publish.

[@KW-de9sc]

Its super important to remember that “there’s an exception for everything” and that you shouldn’t let these tips be your writing doctrine. The only thing that ultimately matters is the execution of the story and its characters.

[@mykellederickpalad7883]

I think you should know by now that rules are made to be broken. You learn rules and understand how it works so you can twist them to your advantage. This is what anyone great at their craft does.

[@BlackXSunlight]

Just add a foreword that just says “I know what I said in my video. But consider: I do what I want! Weeeeee!”

[@sebastjankrek1744]

I actually disagree with number 8. Her eyes followed him around the room is not exactly the same as "she watched him walk around the room." The focus that I get from the first sentence is that her eyes are following him around almost involuntarily (unless the context is different and the girl is some sort of spy). But even so, it's a pretty harmless metaphor that I wouldn't ever flag as a mistake.

[@Giggle971]

I've heard about people complaining about this too before and I also disagree. Someone "watching" someone means they can move their body around 360 degrees to watch someone, but if the eyes are following someone, it literally means that the eyes are the only thing moving around in its limited peripheral vision. This begs another question. Do people really think that the eye can't move? That we're like birds that has to bob around their head to look around? Obviously not.

[@seqkatwinn2766]

@@Giggle971 I so agree with you! The eyes following vs she watched really changed the impact. The eyes following really indicated to me, it was more than just merely watching. It displayed more intensity, that I would gather the author was trying to convey. And even doctors say, "Follow my finger with your eyes." Eyes following IS something eyes can do.

[@echiko4932]

"Her eyes followed him" does give a different vibe to "She watched him". The former gives more agency to the eyes, as if she can't control them, while the latter implies she is intentionally watching him.

[@chickenmadness1732]

The vibe I get from 'eyes followed her around the room' is that she is being sneaky/sly about it. Head isn't moving, only her eyes are. The 'correct' example doesn't convey any of that information or vibe.

[@chickenmadness1732]

@@Giggle971 Yeah the only other way to convey that information would be to say something really anal like "Her eyes rotated in her sockets to match the position of the man while her head remained still." OR, "her eyes followed him." Completely disagree with the video lol.

[@finchbird2419]

Personification in writing exists you know. I mean the wind doesn't actively howl, the sun doesn't actually rise, the trees don't actually wave, light doesn't wink, rivers don't garble, hills don't roll, animals don't shout, and mountains don't reach. It's still valid descriptions in writing. To pretend otherwise is just insulting a reader's intelligence. Eyes can follow someone around the room. No one thinks of that literally.

[@alexbeesley7971]

well now i'm thinking of it literally

[@chickenmadness1732]

"Eyes following someone around the room" just sounds so much better than "she watched him" as well lol. It paints a more vivid picture for me. I imagine her being sly about it, like her face is still and only her eyes are moving. Whereas the second sentence is vague, she could be turning her whole head and being obvious about it. They have different meanings for me and a different vibe and I'm more immersed and have an actual scene/image in my head when I read the first example.

[@codyknight6720]

@@chickenmadness1732 because you’re reading and writing with style and quality of reading in mind, not high school grammar basics only. Your reasoning is spot on. Good stories rely on so many different aspects to pull us in and cocoon us; this guy just doesn’t seem to get what makes for an actually engaging read.

[@SickegalAlien]

You can personify other things than "the eyes" Her attention was glued to X as he paced the room. Her gaze stuck to X pacing the room. Etc...

[@basedbinyin]

@@SickegalAlienbut I feel like if the writer was trying to convey a sense of slyness, watching someone without them knowing, like someone here mentioned, then none of your examples really achieve that effect as well as “her eyes follow him around the room.” I’m not saying that’s exactly what’s always trying to be conveyed, but I’m saying that your examples bring an entirely different tone to the action than the original statement, y’know?

[@jerrysstories711]

Funny that you put 10 and 11 together, because 11 is actually a good reason to do 10. In a context where we already know there's a castle, but the first mention of dragons will punch up the dramatic interest, "The castle was guarded by dragons" would be strong sentence!

[@amysteriousviewer3772]

Good point, I think this just goes to show that there are always instances where you should deviate from these „norms“ when appropriate (as Jed also says). Writing is not a precise science after all.

[@n00bplayer72]

I think another branch of Repetitive Sentence Lengths is Repetitive Dialogue Construction. I discovered to my horror when rereading older chapters that I had written that most of my dialogue was built the same way: "Observe," the character gestured to themselves. "Every line of dialogue has a dialogue tag or action sandwiched in near the start." "That's incredible!" Their companion touched their lips, aghast, "It's like we have to constantly be emoting or doing something while we're talking!"

[@visnoga5054]

I plead guilty on that one. To be fair, I like the style and pacing of it, because if the character is doing something specific, like clenching their fists while talking, or use a special kind of tone it can feel a bit off to have that information before even knowing they are talking. But if they are telling multiple sentences in a row, and you get that information once they're done, the effect of it doesn't strike as much. Now I get if you're really doing it ALL the time it should be balanced out, for example it can be nice to have some dialogue bouncing without any tag at some moments, otherwise I feel like this specific one is great to make things flow between narration and dialogues.

[@Leitis_Fella]

Adjective order is one of the greatest unspoken rules of the English language. Good call bringing that up, Jed.

[@missAlice1990]

Unspoken? I teach ESL to Polish kids and the correct order of adjectives is actually in the curriculum.

[@divinrth5187]

@@missAlice1990 it typically isn't taught in english speaking countries

[@rogue]

Discovered the adjective order a few years back… so strange that we generally just sort of… know this automatically when we speak etc

[@Faolandia]

Finally somebody giving practical, "ground level" advice, instead of creating abstract theories which take ages to explain (and more often than not remain vague and hard to apply even after all those explanations).

[@NorisSpecter]

I would like to add that it's essential to be aware when fixing those mistakes. For example, in the eighth point, the first fix means something different because it allows movement of the head in the reader's imagination. Even if, in most cases, it doesn't matter, when creating a mood - for example, describing a sneaky assassin's actions, it's crucial to use a second example. Also, active voice closes the action while passive allows continuous actions, or it can be used to remove the perpetrator, so it's not always right to change it. For example: -He threw oil barrels from the wall. < action ended. -He was throwing oil barrels from the wall. < action is in progress. -Barrels were thrown from the wall. < no perpetrator. It may mean a lot if, for example, barrels hurt somebody.

[@luciferdangerhound]

I believe the line “Slughorn…looked the most shaken, pale and sweaty” is meant to work without the Oxford comma. He didn’t look shaken, pale, and sweaty… but rather, he looked the most shaken of everyone, as he was pale and sweaty. See what I mean? I don’t have the context though. If I’m wrong, please correct me? Thanks 🙏🏻 😊 I LOVE your channel btw and want to thank you for the content you put out. Your way with words maintains my attention. Your style of education works for me to retain the information. I never zone out into thinking mode listening to your stuff, and I’ve learned a good deal from you so far and still have much to learn, so 🙏🏻PLEASE🙏🏻 don’t take this for disrespect or criticism. I’m only suggesting this to see what you think. :)

[@ChrisJones-tv7gj]

I agree. Oxford comma distinguishes a list. What you did in your sample applies to his clarification/exception about the sentence splices rule. You made a dependent clause describing how he's shaken. If you wrote "...looked the most shaken, he's pale and sweaty." you'd have a comma spliced. You're not making a list. Oxford comma breaks the difference between a list and a dependent clause (that might also be descriptive). Hope that helps. Or... hope I'm accurate, haha.

[@seqkatwinn2766]

@@ChrisJones-tv7gj And with this one, he wanted to correct it with, "Snape!" Slughorn said. The exclamation point negates the word 'said'. Said indicates a statement, as does the period punctuation. The exclamation point indicates more passion, so it would be better to say Slughorn exclaimed. But that sentence gave no indication that Slughorn was in fear. JK Rowling did a better job with her sentence, painting the picture of how shook up Slughorn was. I disagreed with this correction grammatically, as well as storywise offered in this video.

[@benjaminkesler5245]

​@@seqkatwinn2766 I think the only real issue with the original tag is that it has far to obvious of a slang meaning that ends up just being a distraction.

[@teacherCF]

I usually use really short sentences in action scenes where my characters are in a state of shock or dissociation because of what's going on. I find that it conveys a sense of frank blankness opposed to the long action sentences

[@thearcanehunter2736]

I think I tend to use a combination. Like a sequence of action will occur, and then to give it some impact I'll throw in a short sentence.

[@kristoffer2250]

WHY ARE YOU SO UNDERRATED.I wish your channel popped in my teenage years when all I do all day was writing. You are legit one of the most helpful writing content-creators I've ever watched.

[@p-47thunderbolt57]

In defense of short, choppy sentences: If you are taking a long sentence and chopping it up into small pieces, I agree, it slows down. (Typically, you'll be adding words!) However, if you have multiple long sentences, making them more concise and choppy *will* speed up the pace. Additionally, choppy sentences can sometimes be used for a viewpoint effect. Someone whose adrenalized mind is kicked into overdrive may make a lot of "choppy" observations: short, quick, utilitarian thoughts. Alternatively, smearing thoughts together can give an impression of breathlessness or even panic-it depends on the effect desired for the POV/the nature of the POV character.

[@InceyWincey]

Compound sentences with way too many clauses will make the reader feel breathless, though possibly not in a good way… I think people miss the point of the advice. It’s true that you can probably express the same amount of information in fewer words by using compound sentences as opposed to simple sentences. The difference is that simple sentences feel quicker. Lots of compound sentences, even though they may express more information in fewer words (and with fewer full stops), will feel as if they are dragging a lot more than if some of them were broken into simple sentences. It may physically take less time to read a string of compound sentences*, but it feels like it takes longer. The sentences themselves are longer, and so they seem slower and more ponderous, even when there is a lot happening in them. *by all of a tenth of a second or less.

[@suikunrin8672]

Thank you for another nice video, though I'd disagree with some points, for example double negative isn't necessarily a mistake. While I agree that we should use words efficiently, I think that it could be intentionally used to emphasise nuances because the world is rarely, if at all, black-and-white. "The warriors rarely fought without respect." could be pointing to us that generally there might be codes of honour between fighting warriors but the codes were broken in some specific context while "the warriors fought with respect." sounded like it was just describing a single past tense instance. "Sandra felt her heartbeat grow faster." into "Sandra's heartbeat quickened" kind of rob the original sentence of Sandra's introspection and report the fact in third person, I think? Additionally, I agree that the former gives a sense of gradual progress and it could be useful. People can get increasingly excited along an escalating situation and writer might want to represent the character's interaction with the escalation by using heartbeat. The latter would fit more with abrupt increase such as in case of a fright, surprise or outrage. #8's example doesn't sound weirder to me more than "His legs refused to move"(sure, we could change that into "his legs won't move.") or "his eyes darted across the room, looking for an escape." or "her head was spinning, her stomach fluttering".

[@Kaede-Sasaki]

While double negative = positive, a triple negative = negative, perhaps a stronger negative. Math rules😂

[@NotABot-px7ky]

Yeah our friend seems to disregard style. Yes, in order to break rules, you must know them, but a lot of his counter examples are super milquetoast and flat.

[@katienielsen7532]

I discovered your channel a few days ago, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate your videos. Being new to the writing world, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by how much I don't know. Your content is easy to understand - very friendly for beginners - but also filled with practical and valuable advice. And with each video, I am so grateful for your positivity. I come away feeling like, "Hey! Maybe I can do this writing thing!"

[@sparkzbarca]

Certainly with the ring description you can discard tiny because it's a ring and you can discard enchanted because it's a ring of healing. A silver dwarven ring of healing with a square stone works fine. I assume square here means a precious stone because it would be odd to make a ring square shaped but then it's actually not clear

[@lotharrenz4621]

Then again it could be an earring, or a ring that goes onto a piece of clothes, etc. A little description could be added to the end, like, "He tried to slip it on, but it was just too large for his ring finger. Dwarves had big paws, he remembered."

[@sparkzbarca]

@@lotharrenz4621 at least in English this wouldn't make sense, ring of healing certainly means one on your finger

[@lotharrenz4621]

@@sparkzbarca you are obviously a gamer as well, so we both automatically assume such rings are always worn on a finger (then again who's to say a ring in your nose or ear won't heal as well?), but what about the average reader who has no idea about such lore? I have read sci-fi novels with scientific content I had no real grasp about, but still enjoyed it. but what if they wrote nonsense? it's dangerous for writers to automatically assume everyone else reading it has the same level of knowledge. you could distract or confuse your readers.

[@sparkzbarca]

@@lotharrenz4621 yes but I also think there's a balance between that and 1. Not treating your reader like an idiot And 2. Letting them discover it through context on their own, it's ok to be a little confused as an early reader. I think you could have a earring of healing but any time in real life I've heard someone reference an earring they use that word, not just ring. Even nose rings will be called that. If you asked me what people assumed you meant by ring I think everyone would assume a ring one

[@lotharrenz4621]

@@sparkzbarca Thing is, I'm not a native english speaker, and sometimes the fact that professions are always neutral in english language, throws me off, because I often have a wrong image in my head until half-a-page later the character is described as someone entirely different... that's when _I_ feel like an idjit. of course, one needs to find a middle way, as you say, but not everything works through context alone.

[@InceyWincey]

Rarely isn’t a negative, it’s quantitative. The statement is not a double negative, it has a distinct meaning that cannot be expressed by only using one of the two words. The only way to simplify the sentence and retain its meaning is with the sentence, “The warriors usually fought with respect,” but a) it hardly simplifies the sentence at all and b) it doesn’t have quite the same tone. Also you then go on to say, “If you say ‘the warriors rarely fought with respect,’ that would be one meaning, and if you say, ‘The warriors fought without respect,’ that would be the opposite.” I’m sure you just misspoke here, but far from being opposite in meaning both of those statements mean almost the same thing (but not quite, since the word rarely is neither a negative, nor a synonym of never). Finally, for your suggested improvement to the sentence; to say “The warriors fought with respect” implies they never fight without respect. This sentence has a different meaning to our original sentence, “The warriors rarely fought without respect.” The latter implies that they usually fight with respect, but that sometimes they don’t. In short, the sentence is fine, it is the most concise way to express exactly what it expresses. To alter it the way you suggest changes the meaning, removing the subtlety and nuance it implies.

[@suzanne6005]

It would work in poetry but not in an novel.

[@SugarPlumFaye]

Exactly. We don’t have the context but to me it implies that the next scene is going to be one of those rare times the warriors fought without respect.

[@prettyislandgirl]

This was excellent. It’s the best ‘how to’ for writing better sentences I’ve ever watched.

[@oldjoemars]

thank you for this video. I may not write fantasy but this helped me write better sentence in my stories

[@weismanwriter9426]

#6 was the most striking piece of advice you put in this video and I'd like to elaborate even further on why "short, punchy, to the point" sentences don't work for writing action scenes. Action within a fictional story, by definition, is the sequence in which two or more characters are interacting with each other in a scene in a constant movement. The sample you used for the wrong sequence doesn't work not just because the prose there reads poorly, but because that simply isn't how the action would work. Does John Wick and his adversaries move within action, pause, and then react? No, and neither should the prose of your scene. Action is a single seamless thing that happens quickly. Punchy sentences are far better for description within the prose or even dialogue, but not action. The action should always feel like its constantly moving forward, only pausing when the characters are paused themselves. This isn't to say you can't use those punchy sentences during an action scene, but it should only really be used for when the action has either calmed down a bit or just before it starts.

[@Juubith95]

In my opinion the short repetitive sentences work great in building up tension before the action. The example scene wasn't really action, it was just a character walking in a spooky forest, so possibly right before action? If the repetition wasn't so overdone, I would have actually preferred the "wrong" way to the overly embellished "correct" version.

[@satana8157]

It's actually the only point he made that I disagree with. It's true that you might pause after a sentence, but even in his own example I felt it's more of a serious situation in the first sentence, while the second sentence the situation seemed more manageable.

[@drafezard7315]

@@Juubith95 Op said point 6 (did they change in their edit?) the one with the forest is point 7.

[@PurpleTiger10]

@@Juubith95 I felt like it was too repetitive, even if it was building up to something. Short, punchy sentences can be good for buildup, but they still need a little bit of variation.

[@Suzanne_sf]

The wizard conjured a fireball as his apprentice ducked behind the table. (?)

[@iannnn1455]

So far Jed is the third booktuber I've seen who been giving very practical advice In I think a very digestible manner. Then there's Hello future and that robot dude lol. Jed has also fixed my writing to focus more on theme in world building, which has changed the way I approached my books

[@heatherkline6766]

As someone who loves writing, but hates English class; this video was quite helpful. The presentation was great. It was not the usual "don't do this!" but instead "you can do better". The several demonstrations per tip, and the many possible fixes gave me enough information to outline the principle in my head; whereas I have usually felt like I was given rigid rules in the past. Thank you! This will be a great help for my future writing endeavors.

[@JackRook]

Of course, most of the tips you give go for any writing. Just remember you’ll have helped out a potential game developer in the near to not-too-far future.

[@mortandsquiggy.2023]

Descriptive writing is the biggest problem for me. This is a good refresher.

[@12thDecember]

Thank you for this excellent summary. I'm guilty of more than a few of these mistakes in my first drafts, and even in my second. Those glue words are tough to weed out, though. By the way, I have a problem with the "eyes" example. There aren't many ways you can describe where the eyes are looking without being redundant -- watched, looked, gazed, etc. -- and without sounding like a thesaurus. I have the same problem with "moved" and "walked." I think a video on Pro Writing Aid would be super helpful. I bought it a year ago and never did much with it, but now I have a renewed interest thanks to your clear explanation of its benefits.

[@weismanwriter9426]

Agreed on the eyes bit. I don't think any reader will read "Her eyes were following me," or "Her eyes were glued to my back" for example, and think "Why did her eyes pop out their sockets? How are they floating and following the other character? And why would she put glue on her eyes?" In general, it feels more like a strange assumption or something that personally bothers Jed rather than an actual rational prose issue. I've read popular works of fiction that describe someone looking at someone else this way so I wouldn't take that advice too seriously.

[@itssallymarie]

I love all the opinions in the chat! Also he’s mainly talking about rules to the english language. If you didn’t know, the english language is actually stupid and has way too many rules. But, when it comes to creative writing, a lot can be subjective depending on how it is being used. Sometimes passive writing is the best option. Definitely not all the time, probably not most of the time, but sometimes. 😊

[@Illisil]

One thing I noticed and wanted to point out: a major fantasy fiction writer has some anachnonisms in his writing. He mentions corn more than once, even though corn (maize) is a new world plant which was discovered by Europeans during the colonial era. The fantasy takes place in a European Dark Ages setting. You've undoubtably heard of this writer and his work. J R.R. Martin and A Game of Thrones

[@m.j.johnsonbooks7856]

Passive voice, my NEMESIS! I’ve internalized it so much that I’m even trying to cut it from my everyday speech lol

[@Kaede-Sasaki]

Passive voice is used by many😂

[@khydo]

@@Kaede-Sasakibecause many don’t know how to use active voice

[@horacelidenbrock3905]

@@khydo And even fewer writers know how to use the passive voice effectively. Yet, it can be extremely powerful (to indicate a lack of agency for instance). But Theoden was not utterly forsaken. The knights of his house lay slain about him, or else mastered by the madness of their steeds were borne far away. Yet one stood there still: Dernhelm the young, faithful beyond fear; and he wept, for he had loved his lord as a father. Right through the charge Merry had been borne unharmed behind him, until the Shadow came; and then Windfola had thrown them in his terror, and now ran wild upon the plain. Same observation as far as "time travelling reaction" is concerned. It's the best way to indicate surprise and confusion. But Snowmane wild with terror stood up on high, fighting with the air, and then with a great scream he crashed upon his side: a black dart had pierced him.

[@r.michaelburns112]

"The warriors rarely fought without respect" is NOT equivalent to "the warriors fought with respect." A closer equivalent would be "The warriors usually fought with respect." But that makes them sound as if they are fighting against the concept of respect. So perhaps the author had a reason to construct that sentence as it is.

[@SUBHRA38]

My exact thoughts 💯......it's removing the subtext.....that there might be some times or circumstances.....when warriors fought without respect

[@jasonkarimy8784]

Please please, please do a deep dive into pro writing aid. I just got it and I’m hoping to learn more tips and tricks geared towards fantasy writers.

[@drafezard7315]

Eww AI, how about you learn how to edit yourself, not promoting this AI crap.

[@shewolf2392]

Excellent, excellent vid. Thank you! I took many screenshots. Been watching you for a while now. Loved the adjective advice. For splices sometimes I use words like "while/as". I know they're glue but that's their job, you know? "The wizard conjured a fireball while his apprentice ducked behind the table." I haven't had ending bias on my radar at all - TIL something new! I'm an older human, so long live the Oxford comma!! The use of "Said" vs. descriptive words is such a debate, I try to limit the use of both. It depends on the flow. And the most evil glue/weasel word in the English language is "just". :) Thanks again for an educational and inspiring vid.

[@FCSchaefer]

Glad to see you touched on measurements in fantasy settings. I'm working on a story now and used "hand" and "stone" for distance and and weight.

[@adamNZ2024]

This is an absolute abundance of amazing advice. It's given me a lot more confidence in writing. Thanks Jed.

[@scarletkinkajou1]

I like the term “bubble wrap words” and your description of the term.

[@Alden-Smith]

Thanks for all the great videos. I've been watching a lot of your videos for a few days now

[@XavierSchwindt]

Thank you Jed for this video, I will really need to intigrate these tips into my editing! Keep up the great work! Blessings!

[@arceuslegends3607]

Recently watched your 116 different fantasy ideas, I don’t know if it’s still relevant but here’s my Cool idea: a magic system where there is this new element of sorts, it’s an aura that is the embodiment of emotion. When it ignites it will cause whatever it is near(for example a human) take on this emotion. People will eventually learn of this phenomenon and have the power to manipulate it. Eventually being able to use its ignition, collection, or even clashing 2 different emotions to make a weapon of sociology and dangerous unknowns. Consequences however are that this is still knew and unpredictable, anyone that knows too much is targeted and killed as society consider them as a threat. Those who are too knew to its use are also a danger as they often have loose control and put themselves and others in danger.

[@ryanizanami4866]

Thank you so much, I'll come back again to rewatch things I couldn't implement or improve on.

[@ArtbyMSB]

Great video, will have to come back and rewatch it again in the future!

[@anthonybush6444]

Awesome video. As always, great content, and there were several concepts I learned here that I can apply to my writing. Thanks, Jed!

[@knackyknack]

I’ve just subscribed to this channel. I am curious as to how you and other authors deal with the passage of time in fantasy novels. Specifically how to stop a quest from bolting along so the political landscape can change. Fantastic videos you have by the way.

[@dianemiles2720]

Yes! Please! I want this video now! Pacing the passage of time in a plotline is so confusing. I would love to understand it.

[@A.W.Tottleman]

Here's how I handle it. You create a block to the progression. For example: If character A is taken prisoner, and character B's straightway reaction is to bolt after them and save them...but your plotline can't allow that to happen because other things *must* happen first... then you'll need to find a stumbling block that slows char B's progress. This is just one option out of a multitude. The short answer is: something must thwart the quest from bolting along so that the political landscape can change. OR something must cause the political landscape to change faster to match the pace of the quest.... think worldwide catastrophe or something like that.

[@str.77]

The first isn't a mistake at all and in the second the supposedly wrong "double negative" is so much better, especialls since the correction changes the meaning.

[@RenCarl1sle]

I actually disagree with the example for double negatives here. "Rarely" Is more an indicator of frequency than it is negation. "Rarely without" effectively means "Almost always" so the correction doesn't quite work.

[@WreckItRolfe]

'Almost always' and 'rarely without' also have different connotations, despite meaning technically the same

[@RenCarl1sle]

@@WreckItRolfe which only adds to the nuance

[@MagnusItland]

Grammarly is also eager to help with trimming my prose. I often have to ignore it, because normal people aren't Aragorn. They say (and think) "pretty much" and "yeah, probably not too bad". You could even make a character arc out of this, as an ordinary person starts to think more firmly. Nobody would notice, but they would feel a change.

[@insentia8424]

So: #1: The first sentence makes it so the head rocking is the cause of the drop, while the second makes the backhand the cause for the rocking as well as the drop. While for the first the same is implied, it leaves room for the context to build off of it, while the second is more self-contained. Calling it a mistake is a bit farfetched, as the meaning is slightly different because of nuances. #2: Double Negatives can be used for emphasis. Also, as others pointed out already, your example isn't really a double negative. Furthermore, your fix of the mistake changes the meaning. The first gives more information: there are or were occasions where the warriors didn't fight with respect, the second loses that meaning. #7: It feeling repetitive might be what's needed in a specific scene though. I wouldn't call it a mistake out front, but a tool to be used sparingly and with *intent*. #8: Depends on where she is sitting, in the corner of a room facing the room? Easily doable. With her face towards the wall? No chances. The first also implies that only her eyes follow, giving information about what the rest of her body does. It could be written clearer and better, for sure, but it gives the vibes of a more covert action rather than an overt one. The intent is important here to really tell if it's a mistake. #10 lets you accomplish #11, again a matter of intent.

[@Ayyavazi13]

I've watched dozens of writing videos, and this is one of the few times where I quickly learned something specific, relevant, and applicable. Thank you.

[@calamity7068]

really appreciating the deep and detailed videos in a time that seems that all people are looking for a "quick tips" thank you for making these videos

[@ethandowler4669]

This list is a great resource. Thanks, Jed!

[@dragoncraft5109]

I've watched a few of your videos for tips on my ongoing story, I'm surprised I got here so early.

[@beccangavin]

I like the detailed advice given in this video. I’ve read amateur stories and I have seen every one of these points in practice. There are so many writers that have fabulous ideas that they fail to communicate effectively because they don’t structure the language in their stories well.

[@KeryssoFilmTestimonies777]

Such helpful advices! I've written them all down and will be conscious of these next time I write and edit. Thanks!

[@the_cringe_nerd]

Great writing tips as always. That adjective table is going to be useful as well as the glue words.

[@erkdoc5]

I have an exception I noticed to 'said' being invisible. When listening to an audiobook I came across a section of dialogue where everyone had short sentences. I became unable to focus on anything but the "*name* said" happening every couple of seconds. You could say it's another flaw of repetitive sentence lengths.

[@adamsiq4851]

Wow, this was a good thing to have this in my recommendations. I'm currently editing my draft of a story, and this helped me see what points I already hit, what I should start recognizing in my writing and what made me consider starting from the beginning again. I'm definitely taking that adjective order one with me, it didn't even dawn on me there was a right way to place them.

[@Legolas71088]

This is an excellent resource. Thank you!

[@GenLiu]

Wow, I didn't even know about the adjective order. That's kinda mindblowing. I'll have to look at that in my writing, though I typically don't abuse adjectives, so it shouldn't be too bad, I think. Still. Very interesting advice. The Oxford comma...My oh my, I mess that one up all the time. In fact, I'm really, Really bad with punctuation. Also, about the Incorrect punctuation pacing example. Not only does a full stop involve a longer pause than a comma, but the whole concept of an action scene is to convey...well, action. If your scene is just a series of basic sentences all ending in a full stop, it's not very dynamic. It's so much better to make longer, more lively sentences. I mean, I kinda get what people mean by shorter sentences being better for action scenes, but it's important that it doesn't damage the writing. Also, some authors manage to write great action scenes with very long sentences. Not that I would necessarily advise someone to do so, but just to say that making short sentences isn't as vital as some seem to think. The weird anatomy one, I'll probably have to look into this one, honestly. In fact. I think I did the very example given in my current manuscript. "Her eyes followed him around the room." The simple fact that it doesn't shock me is kinda proof enough lol The passive voice one is an interesting case because, kinda like the beige diction and the generic verb, while you want to avoid them most of the time, there are scarce moments in your writing when they actually make more sense. The best example is the following: "Sit," said John. He sat. I suppose you could be more specific by saying something like, "He pulled a chair back and sat on it." Or "He fetched a cushion to sit on." but it honestly feels unnecessary. Sometimes simpler is better. About the anachronistic words, I'm being very careful with this one but I'm at a loss when it comes to minutes/hours. The words shock me, as well, but I don't know what I can replace them with.

[@owenspears3114]

I always sentence splice, as they say it's the splice of life

[@LightSeira]

I hope those tools will be available for other languages in the future! It would make life easy. Lucky English writers! I'm jelly! Love the video, it's helpful even though I don't write in English

[@BenjaminJF7]

ProWritingAid looks extremely helpful. A video going over it would be extremely helpful!

[@BenjaminJF7]

I said "extremely helpful" twice. Lols

[@ahnmichael1484]

(From a place of great respect for these instructional videos you provide) Why are we not discussing things like the use of "bubble wrap words" as stylistic? Certainly, we could just frame them as something beginner writers may use without knowing - but does writing always need to be crispy? Quicker? I don't think so. What do you see?

[@TheStrawberrySnake]

I've got an idea for my own story and your videos are super helpful Jed. Thanks

[@sarahalbert6833]

Hi Jed, thanks so much for making these videos. Your writing advice is so helpful and inspiring. I have just finished my 5th draft of my very first science fiction fantasy novel and I’m about to begin running it through pro writing aid. A deep dive into using this software would be great as I’m new to it. Many thanks Sarah

[@lukerobson4962]

Nice video with great advice.

[@TheSilverKetchup]

Glad you fall on the right side of the Oxford Comma debate.

[@MichaelJaymesAuthor]

Hey man, Great video! :) I just recently found your channel and I'll be adding it to my regular list of videos to enjoy in the background while I'm making dinner. 😁

[@BarefootDani]

THIS WAS SO USEFUL! Thank you for taking the time to do this. I'm currently editing my first english novel (I'm not a native English speaker) and your tips were exactly what I needed :)

[@Jed_Herne]

Glad it was helpful!

[@leolightfellow]

This video is fantastic. So clear and concise. I think it's one of your best videos imho. :) (I'll also admit to making these mistakes both in the past and present lol.)

[@sandrakicklighter2735]

I have wondered about using a semi-colon in fantasy writing because I rarely see them.

[@Pannenkoekenplantje]

By the way, I think that might be fun: adding the linguistic mistakes to the peach patterns of certain kinds of characters: the cautious one uses bubble wrap words; the sly one uses weasel words; the direct one talks only in direct language; the boring one uses sentences that are all the same length with beige words; the excitable one uses loads of adjectives and purple words...

[@crocadilian]

I have never had a problem with story building or how to describe something, but I have always had problems with how to write. I'm a perfectionist, so when I tried writing, I always felt as if something was of with it, so it drove me insane and I just stopped. There are so few videos on how to actually write, and I am so glad that I found this one because it just told me everything that was wrong with my writing and told how to fix it, which I have been looking for a video like this for almost a year now, and I finally found it. Thank you, this was a tremendous help. Exactly the thing I wanted and needed to continue writing.

[@marinomusico5768]

THIS VIDEO IS GOLD ❤ THANKS FOR SHARING ❤❤❤

[@tljones_books]

Wow! I wish you had been my teacher all those years ago! I'm very grateful I found you channel and this particular session. Thank you very much, I shall be back for more information.

[@autumnblueberry]

Another thing similar to the example of double negatives (I haven't watched the whole video yet, so sorry if you mentioned this): someone once said to write what's there, not what isn't there. For example, when describing a flat plain, don't say "there were no trees as far as the eye could see" because mentioning trees puts them in the readers' mind, even though you're saying the trees aren't there. Instead, say something like "there was nothing but grass as far as the eye could see"

[@ZelenaStaplesLewis]

this video is SO good

[@brightwarrior2910]

Jed teaching me more than most English teachers in a half hour video.

[@SickegalAlien]

No idea if this is a good thing or not, but I apply the "engineering principle" to my writing: 1. write down everything I want to convey. 2. Remove words and/or phrases until I'm happy.

[@brycefelperin]

I think this is one of your best videos. However, I like all of them.

[@kasbeeltherapriest3443]

i honestly like time traveling reactions. THe way the force you to reimagine the scene is cool

[@phillipwesson8785]

Your videos are excellent 🤘

[@TheZeroNeonix]

This is very helpful advice. I also didn't know Word had those tools.

[@KyleAPemberton]

I super disagree on the weird anatomy point. The first sentence was so much more evocative than the second.

[@icebite9888]

not to mention the double negative example making absolutely no sense.

[@csnshorts]

​@@icebite9888😂😂 it actually makes sense. u just didn't understand

[@icebite9888]

@@csnshorts Sure, bud. You clearly are fantastic at English, so I'm definitely going to take you seriously.

[@DamienHead-ty1oj]

​@csnshorts it makes sense, you just didn't understand it (learn English before you choose to spend your day making sun of others)

[@icebite9888]

@@DamienHead-ty1oj what if i make moon of the irony of your statement?

[@Dashmaster305]

3:16 Isn't "one true" functioning as one descriptor? It means, "the only real ____", but flows better than just the adjective, "true". In this case does "one" count as a quantifying adjective, or more like an adjective-emphasizer paired with the following word, "true". It's THE one true ring, not just one of the true rings. That's why I really think it sounds so off.

[@cemal124]

I've struggled with passive voice alot, and i have been thinking about taking your course i think i'll go through one more rewrite before i attempt it

[@LuxurInk_Games]

thank you for this - and a video about the editing potential of Pro Writing Aid would be great

[@jessicastein5155]

Thanks for this video! I love that table you made for adjective order; that's super helpful for when instinct fails me. Just wanted to mention, though, in your section with passive voice, you could shorten that list to just say if your sentence uses a variation of the verb "to be" to assist your main verb, then it's probably passive. And "is being" probably sounds extra annoying, because you're kinda going double passive on it, by shoving "to be" in there twice before your active verb.

[@C8Canine]

How is “her eyes followed him around the room” any different than “the wind whispered secrets to the leaves?” They both don’t make sense, except you used one as an example.

[@maxpowers9129]

I have never heard that rarely was a negative. It doesn't even seem like it should be considered a negative. If that's the smallest mistake a writer makes, then they're doing a great job.

[@darkmirror21]

I was listening to this while playing and not even a few minutes in, I was laughing when I heard the third point, "Incorrect Adjective Order". The funny thing about this is that native english speakers would find it a bit more natural to learn. But for us english-second-language speakers? It was hell to learn. But because of that, esl people are more aware of this than native speakers. It is quite possibly one of the most important rule out there especially when writing and I'm glad to see it mentioned here a lot.

[@moneygrowslikegrass]

Another bubble wrap word that wasn't mentioned is "like". People sometimes overuse it when they try to compare things.

[@SickegalAlien]

About the bubble wrap words, I use the "X felt Y go Z" phrasing when I want to emphasise the character's inner state. It primes the reader to read the next passage from X's point of view.

[@CeyasStuff]

Everything in this is utterly invaluable advice that so many more writers need to know

[@visnoga5054]

23:34 Oh yeah that's a really good one especially if you go with that fantasy setting, and somehow reading those "set in the tone" words to replace our modern day ones, especially when you're in a 3rd person PoV description really helps the immersion. I come from a country using the metric system, and when as a kid I read translated version of English fantasy, the fact they used navigation measures or others that were foreign to me helped rooting me in the story... although with the mild frustration of not knowing exactly how much that was x) The story I write is told from the PoV of tribal characters in a medieval setting who probably don't have a calendar as ours so I pondered a bit since I re-read my earlier versions of it on how to replace that, and my favorite ones include: for time measurement, they count in heartbeats instead of seconds, in moons and seasons instead of months, and sun cycles, not years, BUT they still get what a day is. For "bigger" distance measurement, they simply use "days of travel", using the stars, they use cardinal points (much simpler) and point to landmarks as reference if they are to give directions.

[@userJanus3003]

“Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.” ― Mark Twain

[@Lordmewtwo151]

Regarding error two, double negatives. Yes, that is a grammatical issue, but I don't see it in the sample sentence. In this case, saying that they rarely fought without respect implies that of all the times they fought, they usually fought with respect but there is (at least) one time they didn't. 11:01 A bit pedantic, but there are two (three-words long) exceptions: "She walked slowly" and "She felt scared." 28:10 Just like Joey.

[@screwielewie]

In the case of the "summoning companions" example, I would have thought to use a :

[@thomaskopv2366]

This is probably one of the most insightful videos about writing thats on this platform. And to the surprise of no one it comes from the best writing advisor on this platform !

[@zachindes]

The adjective one is SO interesting. I have to admit, I limit myself to fewer adjectives specifically because of not stuffing too many to describe one noun. I’ll probably keep to my own rule but that chart will be super helpful.

[@echiko4932]

You can fit more adjectives between actions, or use actions instead of an adjective. "He held the stone deftly in his fingertips" is another way of saying the stone is tiny.

[@epiendless1128]

I'm glad you suggested 'gaze' instead of 'eyes'. I was just thinking that.