We’ve Been Married 32 Years (Will We Ever Stop Fighting?)

[@goldpinktiger]

Just goes to show that longevity in a relationship doesn’t always equal success like we’ve been led to believe by society.

[@alluringbliss4165]

I have seen , longevity with constant cheating , mistreatment, disrespect, you name it.

[@MrHCify]

Exactly these are the people that get stood up at church or some other place because they celebrated a 50 year anniversary. You never know what’s going on behind the scenes.

[@ineedhoez]

Ayo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@dabd8175]

@@alluringbliss4165 yup females are abusive

[@virginia3222]

I’ve heard people in long marriages complain bitterly about the other person. Guys I used to work with said things like divorce is too expensive, or else they wouldn’t be married. But they are still together. If I knew my spouse said such things something would have to change.

[@texasdazzlers]

I’m so glad John said it. There’s absolutely nothing about their story that suggests they have ever felt any kind of love for each other and grew a family from love. “I met him in college, he was the right age, we married, I wouldn’t stop hounding him about having a baby so he gave me two, being romantic isn’t his style, now we fight all the time.” Ma’am, you’re retired. He’s set in his ways and probably not interested in changing, so take it or leave it.

[@elfascisto6549]

What would suggest that. What does love even mean

[@ineedhoez]

That part. It is sad. But life is too short. Split the assets and move on.

[@saltandpepperandmint]

@@elfascisto6549you don’t know what love is???

[@kellyfrancis8999]

@@elfascisto6549In marriage love is commitment and essentially means treating a person well. There are basic ways to treat someone well, but everyone has specific needs that they’d like their partner to meet. So if the wife needs romance and the husband refuses then he’s not behaving loving towards her. If the husband asks for more affection, but the wife refuses, she’s not loving her husband. Simple.

[@moon_0207]

@@elfascisto6549love is a very broad definition. Each person can give you a different answer. What’s better to identify is what love is not and this is definitely not love.

[@216trixie]

"You laid it out like an Excel spreadsheet." When she described their marriage, how they did " everything right " I was thinking just that. We waited two years for this we waited two years for that. It sounded so clinical.

[@elfascisto6549]

What's wrong with that

[@216trixie]

@@elfascisto6549 I didn't say anything wrong with that why do you say that? I just commented and made the same point that John did, that she sounds like she has everything laid out point by point by point.

[@arijana6524]

@@216trixie she is just saying that she thought they dis everything right in order how it should be I dont think theres nothing wrong with that

[@216trixie]

@@arijana6524 I don't understand your comment could you rephrase?

[@DominickSpano]

I liked Dr. John's story of popping his back. It is very true. I ask my GF who happens to be a hairstyle probably twice a week to shave the little hairs that grow on the back of my neck toward the bottom of my head. Those little hairs all men have. I like how it feels to be totally clean, but really it is about that connection while she does it. I should probably tell her that more clearly.

[@ineedhoez]

Most definitely!

[@crystalglopez91623]

I cut my husbands hair, and we always play pretend that he’s my fave sugar daddy client 😂

[@mightymouse1005]

​@@crystalglopez91623that's really cool. He gets the only "happy ending " haircut

[@wf4983]

Hey, the caller had a very good reason to call in. And they basically have at least some good aspects of a successful marriage. Good for her to go for more! They will make it. What about all this negativity in the comments?

[@The.Hawaiian.Kingdom]

Exactly, I was just thinking that. This was such a wholesome call & everyone’s so negative in the comments. I guess they miss the dramatic calls.

[@cozymoggele]

For a lot of people, marriage (or life) without passion is worse than death, so for a lot of people this is an immediate divorce!

[@maniac50ae14]

Yeah, theyre just lacking romanticism which could stem from a lot of things. But at least they have respect(somewhat), loyalty, commitment and economic stability

[@princesjasmyn]

She’s so much about the big picture that she forgot the little things that make a romance/relationship and now 30+ years later she missed out on all those little opportunities.

[@roathripper]

32 years is longer than most prison sentences. what a trooper!

[@shazondiabailey9013]

Lol😂

[@CaroLI-lh2re]

haha

[@lailimade]

i dont get why people are shitting on her so much shes calling because she feels there is an issue her life isn't boring, she just did what she thought would make her happy and now she's finding out she missed the mark. its just like everyone else who calls!

[@campseifer]

We finally stopped fighting after 20 years. My husband was angry at me because I had an emotional affair two years into our marriage, during the time we were going through fertility treatments. Two days after I told him about it, I found out I was pregnant. If I hadn’t gotten pregnant when I did, no doubt he would have left. But he stayed and after 20 long years he finally forgave me and let go of the anger. Now we are happy and truly in love again. Over the years, at every critical juncture, we chose each other. Not saying that works for everyone but we are so very blessed to have found our way back to each other emotionally.

[@babysq7777]

From my experience with my parents, it never stopped up until my mother's last breath. Then he cried. What an irony

[@Ja50nkAt]

All I remember from childhood was arguing and yelling, oh the yelling, until the inevitable divorce when I was 9.

[@Cuntspiracy2.0]

I'm halfway through this call, and I gotta say, her statement of "I'm more about the big picture and he's more about the details" Is coming across untrue lol At least when it comes to recounting something that happened.... I swear my eyes glossed over just hearing her describe all the minute details of an interaction that essentially boiled down to "The store wasn't open, I thought it was, I went, it was closed, I came home, I told him it was closed, he said he told me, he didn't" She's more into the details than she gives herself credit for.... My first thought is she sounds bored. She runs errands, even for her adult children, goes to church, comes home. She wants fun and she expects her boring husband to give it to her despite being boring for many years. She has to stop "pleasing" other people, or looking to them, anyway, and make some decisions on her own. She's retired! Now's the time to indulge in any sort of hobby you want! Don't ask him; just do! You want to take up hiking? Do it; find a group. You want to take up painting? Do it; find a group. The point is, go out there and find your fun and meet great people and if he wants to be boring at home, let him. You'll either have a great time with new friends, new experiences, joy and excitement, or you'll have that and he is included. Either way, its a win win, and sometimes it takes people taking the first step to do something fun to get the other person to go along. My husband is like this; if I never planned anything, or had my myriad of interests, we'd never do anything. He's not someone that's going to burst out of his routine on his own; that's what I'm for. I even have moments I have to tell him," no, I'm doing this just for me, we can do something else together" because he just assumes whatever plan I make he is included. Women are often the drivers of social interaction, he might need you to take the wheel. Good luck! Don't be bored.

[@TexasGal.]

Best comment!

[@ineedhoez]

Kids were a distraction. You can pretend everything is fine when you are busy.

[@russholly]

I think her husband might be autistic. When you are in a long-term relationship with someone like her husband you have to be extremely detailed in your explanations of things. It was very long winded but she is clearly nervous and anxious about getting help with something that has been on her mind for over 2 decades. It is very difficult to get 20+ years of hurts condensed into a 5 minute explanation.

[@Cuntspiracy2.0]

@@russholly I am familiar with autism; I am spectrum and my child has level 3 non verbal ASD. Even if he does have high functioning ASD, she's been with him for over 30+ years and had children with him, which requires sex. They've had relations, many times, and had a relationship that was adequate enough that they married and have stayed together. She should know who this man is, and who she married. The only thing that has changed, is her desire for fun/romance/excitement/involvement. She cannot expect him to change, but she can do things to serve those needs herself. This is how you can find happiness rather than rely on someone to provide it. My husband and I have very different interests and needs, what makes a happy home is understanding which of those can be met by your partner reasonably, and which you should be meeting yourself. This is just my opinion however, and what has worked for me in my marriage for nearly 18 years now. I also think if you're going to marry someone who has neurodifferences, you have to find strategies to work with them versus pointing at that as a reason for why something is wrong.... that will lead to a relationship ending very quickly. It's no different than marrying someone who cannot walk and then being frustrated they cannot walk 30 years later.

[@maniac50ae14]

​@@russhollyIf you think that sounds like autism, then you dont really know what autism is. And dont forget, youre only hearing her side of the story. For example, ive noticed that a lot of women expect you to know how they feel, but at the same time, will get mad if you TELL them how they feel. Also, the lady on the call has a big issue with being emotionally vulnerable herself as exemplified by her reason for wanting a foot massage being that its needed medically instead of intimately.

[@greenAbbot]

As an engineer, I feel like Dr. John has not actually met many engineers.

[@ApriliaRacer14]

Same. We aren’t the best at social situations. 🥹

[@mightymouse1005]

Your vocation doesn't depict your personality.

[@nantinee9]

Thank you, Dr. John, for saying "Springfield, Illinois" as there are many Springfields in the U.S. Best wishes to this couple.

[@Rouge1292]

You got so good at running the business called marriage that you forgot you are married. The good news is you figured everything else out. Most people figure the baby and the love part out but when that goes away for a season they have no other skills.

[@eliwilliamson7849]

Those two questions are powerful.

[@tacooflove6175]

I have an uncle who pretended to be hard of hearing to stop the nagging and fighting and in there 50’s she got Alzheimer’s and he took care of her and didn’t want to put her in a home as he believed that was cruel even after she set the kitchen on fire when she left the stove on and after she passed he ended his life a week later and left a note saying how much he loved her and couldn’t live without her. No one knew he loved so deeply and these two sound similar.

[@NickanM]

Oh no. May your uncle and his wife rest in eternal peace ❤. The thing is that we never know how a relationship is behind a closed door, the language of love can be expressed in a zillion ways, confusing everyone around the couple.

[@ShelleyJane]

"I'm an accountant and my husband is an engineer." Same! The assumptions people make about accountants is frustrating. I'm so love and passion driven. I'm just good with money too. 🤷‍♀️ I hope life works out for this pair. This sounds sad.

[@suvisillanpaa-zx3bc]

🎉 hi from Finland 🎉😊

[@virginia3222]

Women are often told to settle for a “good enough” guy or they may never get married, and this is what happens. She didn’t do either one of them any favors - they both could have made better matches.

[@2okaycola]

Still can

[@MrHCify]

Maybe he settled for her?😮

[@kellyfrancis8999]

Not really. They made a choice to marry. 32 yrs later they can choose to care and love each other. Just a choice.

[@The.Hawaiian.Kingdom]

I didn’t get that AT ALL from this call.

[@michaelh2282]

This may come as a shock, but most men settle for a "good enough" woman as well. We just don't make a big deal about it like many women. We just learn to accept it.

[@nathaliebasile6168]

12 years of marriage and practically no sex 😢 I am speechless … sending you love and support… you are most courageous

[@Opetheric]

Terrible

[@angelabarton5146]

2.5 mins of me trying to listen…”what is your question/problem/concern?!?” 11+mins and I’m still saying “what is the problem?!?” John says reimagine the marriage…I’m not sure there was a marriage foundation to start with. Sound like strangers who’ve been going through the motions for years.

[@joeystewart4487]

"What is your picture of this?" Is such a great and helpful question to ask.

[@amieriner9077]

Foot rubs, always equal sex. I’ve been married 30 years and my husband just got excited. Thinking about it.

[@diggernash1]

Because he was extremely lucky. Sex is a manipulation tool for most women today.

[@rebeccaspratling2865]

Neville Goddard always said "the whole vast world is yourself pushed out." 🙃 ​@@diggernash1

[@amaragrace94]

Back rubs and leg/foot rubs. 😄

[@The.Hawaiian.Kingdom]

People are being needlessly negative and unrealistic in the comments. All relationships have ebbs and flows, highs and lows. Likewise we all grow & change through out our lives and sometimes that doesn’t align with the rate our spouse grows and changes and you have to pause and figure out how to be the “new you” in your marriage… sometimes you also have to pause and wait for your spouse to catch up to where you are in life. After 32 years, and now having an empty nest, they’re just adjusting to their new normal and getting to know each other again now that they have more time to focus on each other… from what I’ve witnessed, that tends to be very normal & something a lot of empty nesters struggle with. It’s certainly not something to judge this woman for.

[@mightymouse1005]

After 32 years, their kids have probably been gone quite awhile. I don't think empty nest is new for them. Maybe they are newly retired and now, have a lot of time to think about it

[@The.Hawaiian.Kingdom]

@@mightymouse1005 Either way, my point was they’re alone with each other after decades of being ships in the night, having other obligations, responsibilities and distractions. I saw my parents go through the same thing, I’ve seen friends, and family members go through the same thing… it’s nothing to judge people on.

[@mightymouse1005]

@@The.Hawaiian.Kingdom yea...now, they only have themselves. It's much easier to deal with a less then ideal relationship when you have jobs, kids and other distraction. My parents lived each other, laughed all the time and got along great, until my dad retired. Then one day my mom asked us Kids "was he always this irritating "?

[@The.Hawaiian.Kingdom]

@@mightymouse1005 🤭😂🤣 That’s funny. People do get more… challenging… the older we get too, issues with memory loss, aches and pains, no longer having goals in life that you’re chasing or knowing you can no longer achieve certain goals and having to give up on them, health issues, sadness from the people we’ve lost etc etc. A lot of people talk about the how hard it is dealing with older people, so that’s part of it too. My parents actually got along better after their nest was empty, the burdens of life no longer being carried on their backs. They were like gitty teenagers. It was cute to see. 30 years is a long time, people change a lot in that amount of time… I’m nothing like the person I was 30 years ago. You have to get to know the person you married all over again. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t.

[@sensenyajoseph8401]

I'm from Springfield and this is giving me flashbacks to working in the service industry there; people talk FOREVER

[@roathripper]

1. deep breathe out, 2. a clenched fist mantra, 3. write a letter to your younger self. Bad-a-bing! The winning formula to every caller's issues.

[@MrHCify]

I would do all those steps, but I just can’t breathe in my house😂

[@user-zy1vt5yg7x]

😅😅😅😅😅 respect dr John

[@pamelavesey6381]

If they can't figure it after in 32 years, it's unlikely either one wants to figure it out as they both get something from the nonstop bickering.

[@MrHCify]

Should have stayed in debt, and you’d be happily at work right now not having to deal with each other. Lol.

[@ineedhoez]

Pahahaahahahahhahahhah!!!! You aint lying😂😂😂

[@rayseyeoman7540]

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@lesarutherford4542]

Now that is a GREAT FUNNY comment!

[@ashleymarie6585]

Planned sex seems awful to me … lmao and I have a 4 year old and a 5 month old. They eventually go to sleep then go cuddle up in bed with your spouse and talk or watch a movie and one thing usually leads to another. Sometimes it happens 4 nights a week sometimes it happens once.

[@texasdazzlers]

It sounds awful, but for people who don’t have that dynamic, sometimes they have to make a conscious effort, or they risk letting it fall by the wayside…then hopefully with time, it can become more organic. I agree though - planning makes it feel like a chore. That’s fantastic that y’all have that regularity as your norm with two little ones. Kudos to you!

[@SaystheTruth3]

​@@MrHCify😂 right

[@diggernash1]

Married twice and another 10 year relationship; they all eventually stopped having any interest in sex other than functional. One wanted to start wearing a certain outfit when she was "OK" with sex; maybe 2 times a month. Attempting any thing sexual when she wasn't wearing that outfit was going to be entirely off limits--->divorce.

[@SaystheTruth3]

@@diggernash1 I'm sorry that sucks.... So many stipulations with women.

[@texasdazzlers]

@@diggernash1 Ever stop to think what part you possibly played in that? Three failed relationships, and the one common denominator is you.

[@texasgina]

Arguing, fighting and being spiteful is a habit! It takes 2 to fight

[@michaelallen1154]

She was a young boss babe that threw herself at a guy who was as vocationally driven as she was so she could admire him despite the fact that he wasn't really into him. She was into the idea of getting married and having kids. Her husband's lack of dating experience early on made him resent her later on.

[@MPin-jh2kj]

Get divorced and move on life is to short

[@lot2196]

If you've been fighting with your husband for 32 years, it's because you enjoy it.

[@BSCTrainerRob]

Shes hard to listen to. She rambles about nonsense then says annnyways again and again. God the explanation about the 9pm closing time was painful

[@Marie99999990]

And there’s something about how she explains her medical need for the foot rub thing that comes off as whiny… uggh.

[@kellyfrancis8999]

I was thinking the same thing…looking for the point

[@jackdeniston59]

We fight? Women say this. She is fighting. It is all her selfishness. All of it.

[@diane4488]

​@@jackdeniston59 That sounds more like projection on your behalf.

[@nt3833]

@@Marie99999990 yeah there’s nothing romantic about the kind of foot rub she is asking for. It’s like “I need you to provide this service for me”. Not attacking her, just think her approach could be better. And also expecting that every day is asking a lot.

[@lifeaccordingtotheo9643]

They went through the motions and hit all the milestones like typical Christians but lack intimacy and then they resent each other and so they bicker all the time... With the amount she talks about groceries and the inflection in her voice makes me think shes an emotional eater also. (Detective work for a living, bear with me here) And she has health issues regardling circulation, can't reach her own feet, may be diabetic. Obesity can really tank a relationship and lead to selfish tendancies. Shes also still doting on adult kids. Focus on yourself. Get mentally and physically healthy. Get an exciting hobby outside of bible study, something active with friends and when you are living your best life it draws him to you. Then invite him into your world. Start planning weekend getaways a few times a month.

[@ineedhoez]

You are absolutely right.

[@abigailloar956]

Detectives would make great psychologists

[@nt3833]

Interesting observation and makes sense! Would love your take on other calls. 😉

[@Kittyququmber]

There are issues between these two that has not been resolved. Thus resentment has built. They have been sweeping this under the carpet over and over. And until these are deeply explained and resolved, nothing will heal. Retirement of what it will look like takes as minimum of 3-4 years planning.

[@VickieStreet-rs2xo]

It’s about quality not quantity

[@daltongrady5643]

Is there a legit medical "need" for a foot rub? I feel like thats bs

[@daphne3717]

Right. Her using that excuse to manipulate me into rubbing her feet would make me really not want to do it.

[@iPervy]

Har dto listen to this caller. Just hard to follow what shes saying with her speech pattern that's fast and jumbly.

[@2okaycola]

Noooooooo not marrying the first girl you dated?? sSIR

[@mwhe3111]

Some calls are so cringe. This is one. Also, no more boring, annoying people I've ever met than both accountants and engineers.

[@DuffyGabi]

My dad was an engineer and my mom was an accountant. If I want to explain my early marriage I will start with me saying, “I’m the product of an engineer and an accountant and I married a creative person.” I married chaos, she married control and reason. We paid our house off in 12 years at the expense of having fun all the while I think I was draining the life and child-like spontaneity out of my wife. Fast forward to today… I learned from my parents death that I needed to live life. Of all the 50s something year, old men I know, I think my wife would agree that I am the most active, most adventurous and most intentional at not living a non-monotonous, predictable life. I changed. I think my dad would be proud of me.

[@tritosac]

Will it ever stop? Yo I don't know. Turn off the lights & I'll glow.

[@tequisaholloway1738]

The most BORING phone call EVER!

[@jodisguido85]

John Deloney Realistic Outstanding advice serious on All calls. He works on himself and his own marriage lets you know that too. Extremely insightful. Thank you John 🩵

[@olivierballou392]

It might not be as extreme as some other situations, but probably a much more common scenario- and a useful cautionary tale for the rest of us.

[@lebumjames1373]

@@jodisguido85If you think he gives outstanding advice on every or even most calls either you're an idiot or you haven't watched any more than three or four videos lmao.

[@SaystheTruth3]

​@@jodisguido85are you just kidding??

[@SaystheTruth3]

​@@lebumjames1373😂 seriously!

[@NickanM]

This is so sad....

[@ctb3343]

Everything was a bit of a toss up until she mentioned him not meeting her standards with daily foot rubs. I don’t buy this lady much at all.

[@robwoods8160]

Bible class. Maybe do unto others? It goes a long way x

[@user-jw1bl4hq9j]

NOPE ….ONCE THE MARRIAGE IS TOXIC WILL STAY TOXIC UNTILL DIVORCE .

[@mellowbirddreamer77]

That married couple both sound insufferable. My in-laws argue and bicker all the time. I hate when they visit.

[@recabitejehonadab2654]

Blah blah, it’s been over 30 years time either stick together unhappy or leave. Her husband is a dry engineer. He has as much feeling as a piece of cardboard. He’s not going to change. It’s common sense.

[@texasdazzlers]

Makes me wonder if she’s the same way, and they have actually been more or less compatible over the years, but now all of a sudden she wants him to be someone else. Either way, it ain’t happening.

[@nikan7704]

Cuz you know, it's impossible for people to change and grow. So of course you're right, they shouldn't even bother to try 🙄 Wow. What a happy person you seem to be.

[@phyllissweetpea4926]

It takes two to fight. If you don’t engage there’s no fight. Just learn to keep quiet.

[@terricox3559]

Or...follow the much more productive and actual advice in the professional's video. Instead of putting up and shutting up and harbouring resentment

[@216trixie]

Sure that makes a lot of sense, just live in an emotionless uncommunicative marriage. With someone you don't like and you don't talk to. Sounds great!😮

[@terricox3559]

@@216trixie I know what a load of bollocks 😂 I'm gonna take a leap in deducing that with the name Phyllis perhaps it's someone from an older generation where women are generally less expected to prioritise their own wellbeing to any extent. I could be wrong, but I can't see any other reason why someone would hear the constructive advice in this video but then tell the woman to keep it zipped.

[@texasdazzlers]

Yeah, keeping quiet…that’s most definitely the secret to a happy marriage when there are serious issues that need to be discussed.

[@diggernash1]

​@terricox3559 you have to choose to be resentful too.

[@eigthhousefallen]

30 years and we did everything backwards. Moved in together after 3 weeks, Had 3 kids, went to college and then got married. Good to know if we did everything perfectly we still would argue.

[@marthav.4654]

😊

[@ButHearMeOutTho]

she needs a hobby

[@-glitch-8195]

Women like her who look to their husbands for everything are miserable. The fact that she can’t even look up when a place closes is very telling. She needs to get out of her comfort zone, & focus on herself. Some women don’t give themselves that opportunity, yet they’re worried about the trajectory of the relationship. Don’t worry about that. Go find something to do. Stop centering your whole life around a man, then get upset when he just “is”. Men are not like women. They’ll do the same things, eat the same food, wear the same clothes, etc for decades. He’s not a replacement for your social life & activities. Second, she didn’t even realize that everything she said proved that she’s the one who pays attention to the details, & he’s the one who pays attention to the bigger picture. I know some people took the story she told as “proof” of the opposite. However, I took it as she get’s so caught up in the planning process that she doesn’t notice the most important details. That’s actually a thing among over-planners. They plan just to plan. Then afterwards she made herself into a victim of his “coldness” because apparently, he didn’t tell her it was closed. My question for her is what proof does she have that he deliberately did that? What is there to gain from that? She could’ve taken her L instead of bickering about it. Just one case of many of her getting caught up in the details.

[@AlecDaStar]

blah blah blah blah blah

[@tMatt5M]

Contraception such an evil. It separates the couple and turns the partners into objects to be used. Instead of sex being the total gift of self to the other, it becomes an act of selfish pleasure. But objects can get boring.

[@lucindabreeding]

What are you on about?

[@tMatt5M]

@@lucindabreeding Instead of being open to life she said no more kids after her second daughter. Clearly they used contraception like most people. This put a barrier between the couple. Sex went from the total gift of self to the other to means of self pleasure. That's why their marriage suffered.

[@rebeccaspratling2865]

Are you planning on feeding their kids and paying for their college? If not, mind your business and keep the judgment aimed at you and you alone.

[@tMatt5M]

@@rebeccaspratling2865 I'm not judging. I'm just saying true things. Contraception is evil and against God's plan for sex and marriage. This was undisputed until our chaotic liberal age. Now we're all depressed, anxious and divorced.

[@NickanM]

_Would you mind giving me the adress to your house, so YOU can be a good person with MORALS taking care of all unwanted children that would be born if contraception was prohibited, Oh, of course you'll help the parents that can't afford more kids at all, send them money ASAP. kids are very expensive, you know. Plus, the family might need a larger place to live in, I am sure that you, an upstanding citizen with true morals will take every family in, ok?_ Seriously; Are you on drugs? If not, I'm m afraid that you have serious issues grasping the reality about the world around us, the alternative is that you are under the age of 14.

[@diggernash1]

How much does she weigh versus her weight when they got married?

[@crowsnestburrow]

That - of all things - is the issue from your perspective?

[@diggernash1]

@crowsnestburrow it was good, or at least ok, in the beginning. Her feet hurt alot and he isn't as interested; 2+2 still equals 4. A hidden camera watching his interest in smoking hot strangers would be a fun exercise. When I lost interest in a wife or girlfriend; I never lost interest in women.

[@diggernash1]

@rebeccaspratling2865 hopefully his income has went up faster than his weight...

[@diggernash1]

@@rebeccaspratling2865 you have a great attitude.