What Changes Do You Need to Make to Move On?

On today’s show, we hear about:
- A mother unable to get past the romantic feelings she has toward her son’s father
- A woman desperate to stop her self-mutilating compulsions
- A husband unsure of how to care for his wife after she confessed to being taken advantage of sexually as a minor
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The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel paralyzed, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well-and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!
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[@starlingswallow]

It's amazing to me how different we as human beings deal with our trauma and childhood wounds. For some, it's pulling out their hair or picking at their hands, and for others it's seeking out toxic relationships or marriage. Either way, it is incredibly important for us as people to heal our childhood hurts! This woman sounds so lovely! I'm sorry she's struggling with this, I just wish I could hug her❤

[@britneyog9537]

I'm so embarrassed. I'm also 31 and I've been picking my head for 10 years now. I used to have thick beautiful hair and now it's causing depression, but I just can't stop. 😞 I got on an SSRI and it has decreased about 50%. I'm trying so hard. I have anxiety. I also have ADHD tendencies. I'm glad this topic was covered.

[@karenherbert1410]

I used to pull my hair out since I was a child. For me abuse was not the only contributing factor. It was actually a physiological chronic Strep infection. Using diet, supplements and homeopathy I have reversed all symptoms of my OCD/anxiety, depression and have greatly reduced my ADHD symptoms. Healing the gut is so necessary, no therapy would have helped me make peace with myself without addressing the gut piece of the puzzle. My life is a thousand times better since finding and treating the root cause. I wish the condition PANS/PANDAS was more widely known. It has even affected my kids as I passed on the strep to them. Thankfully they are getting early treatment so they won't suffer like I did in my adult life until I was in my thirties.

[@nathaliebasile6168]

I feel 😢that one thing to say. A mom and a son minus a person (who wishes not to be there) is also a beautiful family. A mom and a son is beautiful. May not be a chosen path but it is not wrong. Big hug.

[@benmyers9030]

No it is not a family. It is a disaster. Marry before you carry. Accountability isn't a poison arrow, it is a necessary component of successful endeavours.

[@pandabear7177]

Watching this show makes me realize my first love wasn’t consensual. Wow.

[@stefanybenson5699]

Feelings arent facts. In a nutshell.

[@lav7161]

To that first caller, I have a male friend who went through what you were going through exactly. The only difference was that he was 21 when he started his relationship with his partner. He was also a part of divorced parents and wanted a family. Now at 35, with a daughter, after on and off, on and off relationships with his partner, he has finally given up. He was so desperate for love that he would do anything just to have her by his side. You only been with him 2 years and I fear you will be going down the same path if you continue. Find someone who wants you as much as you want them. I know it's going to be hard but you have to make that push.

[@elainenilsson5472]

I like that explanation. "The action takes your focus off the things you can't control."

[@tonyajones6905]

I also feel my eyelashes at times. They will literally feel like they ache. Like someone is slowly pulling them. You are not alone!

[@deanna8818]

For the second caller, Sarah, I’m 54, fellow Trich person, been pulling since I was a kid. My mom told me the only way I would get to sleep is running my fingers through my hair. Interesting - she picks her skin. Later that moved to eyebrow/eyelash pulling, at times pulling all upper and lower eyelashes. And yes, you can ‘feel’ your eyelashes, ones that need to be taken care of, it is such a weird thing. I work from home since covid, which has helped, but also during covid the supplement NAC was recommended, and I found that helped calmed it down. I still pull at certain times, but nowhere as bad as I did, even during all the craziness of the last few years. Thank you for calling in, and thank you Dr Delony for the information.

[@CdnEnjoyLife]

WOW! I did not come here prepared for what I needed to hear for myself! Dang - Dr. Delony is good! Thank you for the incredible free therapy!

[@susi09]

As sad as the last call was, Joseph is a great partner. Wishing the couple healing, and many more years of a happy, loving marriage.

[@deannaw6867]

Sara, I suffered from Trich (pulling eyelashes) For 30 years and have been 12 years FREE of it by using Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). I hope you find a path to healing yours! I was always triggered by anxiety but was baffled that I could not stop doing something that I seriously hated!

[@lynngreen9637]

I can relate to the first caller. It’s so hard when you promise yourself all your life you are going to have a good parenting situation for your kids; then it doesn’t happen. You tried your hardest and it didn’t work out. Life is humbling like that. Grieve it so you can move on. Then maybe start looking at a different type of guy. I believe it was Dr. Ramani who said that the nicest guy at a bar is probably the guy in the corner with the wrinkled shirt.

[@blueseptember2174]

Trichitilomania was like the big news in the early 2000s. I remember the news covered that for a while. Pulling out the hair though may not grow back after so long.

[@co9971]

that was very good advice he gave her. from childhood, i have a history of people using and discarding me and after my first relationship ended, i went to therapy and didnt date for years because i didnt want to date the same person over and over again. it took me a while to realize that i had been parentified through my parents violent and codependent relationship. they would use me as a soundboard/advice-giver when they were fighting and then push me away/tell me i needed to be a child when they were okay. this went on for years. it took me 10 years after my relationship ended to understand that this is what was going on and i basically dated someone who treated me the same as my parents.

[@nikstar1313]

Same! I’m a family scapegoat ❤ 3.5 years no contact

[@analozada9475]

To the second call: as an iatrogenic injury survivor, caused by ssris/antidepressants, I highly recommend to not take psych meds. There are way better natural alternatives that can help, on top of the right form of behavioral therapy. Ssriis may help some temporarily but they create dependency, have tons of dangerous side effects, and can be extremely hard to taper off of. Not worth it! Preserve your life and health, and find better and safer alternatives. Good luck! 🙏✨

[@lorianne4608]

I’ve seen Queensryche 8 times!! I hope everything works out for her.

[@thomaswitmer51]

There is no bad reason to go down a Type O Negative rabbit hole. I'd love to hear what Peter would have to say about the world today.

[@IFBBProYeo]

16:22 Oh my gosh!!! Neurotic excoriation & OCD team in attendance. It's so good to hear from another person with it. So glad this came up. I completely understand with how many hours in a day she loses. It really is incredibly hard

[@christinemartin7819]

I don't know if you use youtube Sarah, but you're not alone. I could have said all the same things as you. I'm 30 years old and I've been picking the skin on my fingers since I was about the same age. My eyelashes became a target in my adult years. I did find taking an SSRI helped a lot. I still do it but not to the same extent as I used to. And now when I see that I'm doing it I know I'm going through a higher period of stress so I do use more curiosity around the behaviour.

[@jessicacamp22]

Second call really hit home. I have all of those things but when he asked if she eats the hairs and stuff and she said no I started to wonder what it would mean if she did?

[@deirdrehughes3876]

I love your show Dr John. Thank you so much for doing what you do. The lovely lady who is pulling her hair.. I fully appreciate her trepidation about taking medication. If I may offer a suggestion based from my own personal experience.. if she might consider researching her gut health, nutrition or perhaps undergo a methylation test to see if any major deficiencies her body may have that could be remedied with quality supplementation. I'm by no means a specialist in this area nor a nutritionist of any kind but it greatly assisted my husband and my sister. Thank you again :)

[@JaredMuskego4490]

Type o negative you are awesome Dr John!!!

[@minielaurent3285]

That’s my current situation now. I just want to be able to co-parent without the intimate relationship. But there’s nothing deeper than that sadly. There’s no commitment or real communication.

[@sarahalderman3126]

The second call hits so close to home… I was 13 and he was mid to late 30’s and my step brother in law… different in that I recently learned that my husband is a sex addict and a voyeur who created pornography of my own sister. Its been 22 years of hell filled with lies. He claims remorse and shame but I simply don’t believe him. Every man I’ve known has been a weak uncaring selfish person. My father left a few months following my rape (though he never knew) and he passed away 4 years ago after I cared for him (he had dementia and heart failure amongst other things and since I am a nurse I felt obligated to care for him. My sister split from her husband while pregnant and moved in with us the last year of my father’s life. It was then my husband began and then continuing until this last summer according to him. To be honest I am absolutely devastated because I no longer believe that our family can survive. At least partly because I no longer want “this”. I feel cold and done, similar to how I felt years ago, both after being raped but also when I was molested by my teenage cousins in prekindergarten and kindergarten. I feel like I’ve been cheated, in life. I feel like trusting another person enough to not feel entirely alone is impossible for me now. I trust no one and nothing. My body is failing now due to a neurovascular issue including avm’s and now a new venous angioma which has resulted in another seizure following about 20 years of none. It is just one thing on top of another and another. The mountain is simply too steep and I’m just exhausted. I can’t give up, if for no other reason than my children. At least that is what I tell myself when it feels this way… which is almost always does now. I thought I had finally carved out a small sliver of a safe place for myself in this world. This world has always been a scary and triggering place, everything is hard, nothing is easy. It has never been easy tp be happy. I had to work at it, but I did. I worked through my fear’s I found happiness as a mother and a wife, at least I thought I had. I felt safe with my husband and family, I felt protected and safe for the only time in my entire life. Then I learned first about the porn, then the emotional affairs, then the voyeurism, and now my sister… over the span of the last 7-8 months. I wanted to save our marriage, I still do in some ways, but mostly I just want it all to end. I want to not feel that rock in the pit of my stomach. I want to not feel disgusted with myself or my fateful choice tp marry, love, trust, or stay with my husband. I want tp not feel hatred towards myself for being manipulated and fooled AGAIN! Just like I had been as a 13 year old child, only this time it was my husband and father of my children. This time is was the man who promised to love and honor me, tp protect me. It feels like my life is over and for the first time in my life that feels like relief.

[@sackettfamily4685]

I pray that you will feel the love of Jesus wrap around you and hold you. I can't recommend it enough, for you to try to go to the spiritual retreat "ashes to beauty". It's physically exhausting and emotional and mentally healing. It's only women and their personal testimonials of hardships, some exactly like your own. My sister found it, while about to divorce her own bastard of a husband. Her marriage was saved by their retreats, though they don't care about that. These people care about you as an individual and many of the women have divorced their spouses and are now leading healthy and healing lives. There's hope for you and life worth living on the other side.

[@sarahalderman3126]

@@sackettfamily4685 thank you, truly. I will look it up… doing anything different is a relief, the one thing I cannot do is stay as I am. Thank you ❤️

[@sackettfamily4685]

@@sarahalderman3126 I forgot to say that the ministrys name is encounter ministries and it's in MO somewhere.

[@DorinaRudd]

Ketamine!! Treatments at holistic vitamin drip places. It will cause you to observe the behavior and let go of it. Maybe hypnotism.

[@France149]

I subscribed to your KZbin

[@whitneyw.7919]

Wow, john told someone to get medicated, that's a first. And yes, if it numbs the alarms it also numbs a range of emotions. If the problem is severe enough maybe it's worth it to be numbed just so that you can stop chewing off your body, that sounds pretty painful. It's also likely with something like this that you'd never come off of meds. Also, could be spiritual

[@VioletEmerald]

Ideally you are in a balance of not completely numb but all the emotions are dulled temporarily while you work on processing the negative emotions enough so that you can come off the meds. ASAP.

[@janineruiz7028]

My husband pulls out his arm hair when his stuck in traffic.. scabs and blood and will scrape off skin to get to a hair

[@France149]

Zero consent to consequences ??😊👍 Yeah? Or na 😕

[@ronaldnichols9945]

The first caller if I heard correctly got pregnant from a hook up when they were not together? The child is not his? She wanted a stable family and did this? Her actions show she didn't want a stable family structure. She has no 'intention' in her life. She just goes with the flow.

[@sarahalderman3126]

She hooked up with the father of the child after breaking up after 2 years together as a couple. He was her bf for 2 years then they broke up then hooked up and got pregnant, then on and off…

[@ronaldnichols9945]

@@sarahalderman3126 Her statement was unclear if the bio father was the ex or another guy. She set herself up for failure by repeatedly going to the guy who was unfaithful.

[@sarahalderman3126]

@@ronaldnichols9945 that was two different people. Her first husband is the one who cheated. Then she dated the father of her child for two years, they broke up, hooked up, then went back and forth for the last 18 months (pregnancy + 9 month old baby). It is possible that she is choosing crap men, likely because she had a crap father, crap husband, and now crap baby daddy. She likely contributed to it but it still wasn’t her fault.

[@tinam761]

@@ronaldnichols9945 her statement was not unclear. Listen again. It’s not that complicated.

[@tinam761]

I think you were listening to three shows at once … it’s not kind to make such assumptions when you are so waaaayyyyy off.

[@ASLANOV440]

Honestly, my heart is bleeding when I hear things like this.