People Say I’m “Unapproachable” (How Do I Open Up?)

[@Jongonz_algo]

I understand. Being "quiet and confident" comes off as aloof/asshole.

[@sp-cn8pm]

To an insecure attention seeking person. Not meant in a harsh way, but that's been my personal experience. I'm also an introvert.

[@TuBui2]

you can be quiet and confident AND cold/unapproachable vs warm/approachable.

[@kalaln323]

@@TuBui2True

[@Coco-xq7zh]

Some people probably think I’m being a b*tch with the look on my face but it’s my natural face can’t help it lol

[@user_abcxyzz]

Some ppl dont need social stimulation and that's difficult for socially needy people to understand. Stick with your own tribe and you won't feel like the weirdo.

[@krism6260]

*Other peoples feelings are other peoples responsibility!*

[@tomnohmy1273]

Shutting people out is a super power

[@brightpage1020]

❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉Hellls YES 🙌 👍 👏 it is!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉

[@Shaolin91z]

Until you need someone 😆

[@joshuacorbin221]

Calm. Calm is a superpower.

[@AllisonHefely]

Ehhh - I have the same problem as this caller and it can be extremely isolating and lonely.

[@tritosac]

Society penalizes introverts. We tend to be so misunderstood. Sweeping assumptions, judgements & even indictments of our characters are made. The irony in that is those making the judgements are the shallow ones. They are too lazy to make a true effort to get to know the introverted individuals by simply having one on one conversations with them. They also fail to understand it takes a longer time to get to know some people. Patience is a virtue here.

[@RepentImmediately]

You're not much of an introvert if you care what people think. But if you care about making an impression on people, "you never get a second chance to make a first impression." One can be an introvert whilst still having people skills. You either choose to develop people skills or you don't.

[@jiminswriter4209]

⁠@@RepentImmediately People skills are also about understanding that some people take more time to open up. It’s not about catering to just one type of personality.

[@krism6260]

​​@@RepentImmediatelyexcuse me? "You're not much of an introvert if you care what other people think"? The one characteristic is completely unrelated to the other! Thats exactly one of the prejudices the commenter was talking about. You're introvert means you're quiet means you dont care about other people? Utter nonsense! And, i completely agree with Jim too. If extraverts are so people skilled, well, then they can also get along with introverts without judging them. Its a two way street.

[@thaneros]

If I remember correctly its only in western cultures.

[@sarahobrien3379]

Im an introvert and I also can't stand working at places that are horribly run. I decided to take a driving job. I don't interact with coworkers much and I don't have to see how horribly run the company is.

[@bryanryan4504]

I'm same with you. When I'm at a new job and have to be a part of a team, I enjoy working with others if they are similar to me in their disposition and work ethic. I despise working or being with people who are so different from me in how they approach work and social. But I find out that most people are able to go w the flow socially. I seem to always on my sleeve my disdain for certain people and then that gets me in a disadvantaged state at the job.

[@GAFB1122]

I'm a bit unapproachable. But I LIKE it, because I do NOT like people!! But note, I am polite and respectful when someone does approach me. I am not and try never to be rude. I'm just not a people person!

[@iam_jwelz]

There is actually more to gain when u begin to open yourself up to others .

[@sandrareid-newson7547]

😮

[@bryanryan4504]

Ok cool. You don't like people. Good for you. Thanks for telling us.

[@riri1084]

Like what?

[@marthamydear5869]

Same here ❤❤

[@missjustpeachygirl]

Bless anyone that's willing to be open and honest about themselves, and put in the work to better their life.

[@rockingredpoppy9119]

I think the caller checked out half way through the conversation, I could relate.

[@Shaolin91z]

Thanks Lord for your peace Thanks Lord for your salvation

[@commanderbarbie2550]

I have a general rule of thumb that if someone wants to talk to me they’ll make the effort and try. I find if ppl don’t try I just try not to take that personal and move on. I’m hard to talk to as well.

[@PinkRose0910]

Do you ever make the effort first though?

[@commanderbarbie2550]

@@PinkRose0910 yeah I do, I usually resort to small talk. Sometimes it helps, other times it can be more awkward.

[@Alex-Mex]

@@commanderbarbie2550 I try too, and it seems like other people are like us and just want to be left alone

[@krism6260]

100%!

[@abrandnewday3581]

Or maybe most people are emotionally needy and looking to others to validate them most of the time? I usually take a while to open up too, and their idea or belief of who I am, is not my business. Too many users and takers out there, so it’s not smart to be so open from the beginning.

[@gemmeldrakes2758]

I agree. Some caution is advisable at the beginning of an acquaintance. Some people want to jump to that deep level friendship as quickly as possible, partly so they can start using you - as a respository for their trauma dumps, as an ATM, etc.

[@Celestriona]

People have told me I’m mysterious and aloof. I just don’t tell people about myself unless they ask. I have no friends. Not sure how to change.

[@coonhound_pharoah]

Try asking other people about themselves. I've found I don't have 99% of the conversations I don't start.

[@old-soul]

me too ..exactly like that

[@lizwiens671]

Maybe she’s the kind of person who only needs a few friends and that’s ok. Making new friends is hard.

[@cyn5962]

I agree

[@ForAncientKingAndElvishLord]

Here's my experience, talk to people from other countries with different cultures and a different language. They don't trigger your childhood in your unconscious mind.

[@ShaytownDown]

This is so true

[@Alex-Mex]

I am the same way! People make you that way. I’ve had friends that only used me for money or rides. Maybe I might be unapproachable now, but over time of sh*tty people it will make you that way. I’m still nice but I’m just dull with people. 😅

[@tiawarren5403]

Agreed, me too

[@darlayeates510]

If people feel you dont like them, when you actually have positive feelings about them, why not just be more in the habit of expressing your feeling for them verbally. Such as, " You're very prompt with all your assignments" or "I admire your ability to motivate your staff." For me, a sincere compliment lets me know I am valued, will break down a perceived wall, eliminates a misunderstanding, and will help develop a friendship.

[@arijana6524]

As a introvert i would never like that type of job , that would definitely drain me everyday

[@marquesn77]

It’s hard when you’re a loner by nature but can easily feel alone - sometimes it just doesn’t make sense

[@Shaolin91z]

Peace In Christ surpasses all understanding. Peace dissipates loneliness 🫡. Thanks Lord for bible study class which brings peace that surpasses all understanding

[@bunnyboonot4u]

I wear a wedding ring even though I'm not married. It makes me feel secure because I'm in my 40's. I'm lonely but shy to meet people. Also once bitten... I'm scared to be vulnerable and possibly get hurt again. I need therapy I think i answered my own question in part, and I'm open to suggestions ♥️

[@nh867]

Tips mentioned on the podcast 1. Practice seeing people not just a blur of activity 2. Practice staying present - imagine hearts are connected 3. Find a model and emulate those behaviors … lower the friction .. repeatable small things 4. After a meeting someone write them a letter … reflect the interaction

[@hereforthecomments456]

We need a picture of her bc she sounds nice but maybe she’s not approachable based on her look. I’ve been told I always look mad but I’m actually always pretty happy.

[@07ikkin]

Same. I feel like some people's face look naturally "smiley". Even when their face is completely relaxed. Mine does not. However if someone speaks or smiles at me, I'm going to return the gesture.

[@jannwebb]

So loving budgeting- is that how you connected with Ramsey Solutions

[@TG-nh6ni]

Could it be resting b face? 😅 I know of people like that.

[@kk-xi8li]

I'm told this too. I'm just very shy and not out going, but if someone takes the time to get to know me I'm actually very chatty. I'm just not good with small talk, I prefer deeper conversations

[@eduardojimenez114]

She's literally describing being an introvert. That being said being an introvert and unapproachable are not correlated. It takes effort but you can present yourself better without changing yourself.

[@RepentImmediately]

She's describing someone who chose to be withdrawn due to childhood experiences. Introversion is not a response to pain.

[@jiminswriter4209]

@@RepentImmediatelyPain can make someone introverted.

[@anthony-i1k8c]

I went through this and then I realized that I actually don't like most people and it's just me. After that I didn't worry if I were extroverting and it was smooth sailing from there.

[@JesseGraham-l9s]

Competitors don't talk about themselves. They deal with their problems internally. So they don't talk to people about their problems, when others will just openly talk about problems in their life and display their entire life to everyone. Which later will be used against them by the people around them, even though they don't acknowledge it. I struggle with this too.

[@Shaolin91z]

😆. Not everyone is a competitor...some people just shut people out because that's how they handle people. 🤘

[@JesseGraham-l9s]

@@Shaolin91z I never said everyone is a competitor. lol.. She said she was a competitor and that's where she thinks it stems from..

[@TheShamuraja]

One idea or suggestion can be - instead of going into extremes and divulging personal problems, I think one can still form connections by sharing something like music interests and other fun things. So that the person gets the feeling of knowing you somewhat without connecting over drama. Then maybe books or podcasts or travel destinations. Whatever gives an insight into your unique self. Also outside of work, having hiking groups or something similar, there is less danger around sharing personal things and less "competition". Generally having a few different groups is an alright thing, because through interacting and opening up, one finds whole other perspectives and can further develop oneself. So the danger might be there, but also might pay off in the long run. If we close off, we might get stale.

[@joanneweisser3576]

I have had this problem as well. If nothing else, the care bear image will make her smile or laugh which will make her more approachable. Also, find something to compliment the person about, people love flattery.

[@43DW]

After greeting folks I don’t talk unless talked too.

[@AK20741]

Why should I trust when I have had so little evidence as to why I should. It takes me on average 12 months to really open up to a new acquaintance who has evolved into a friend. Relationships? Introduce me to someone who isn't a man-child, someone who isn't psycho-socially, emotionally, or sexually stuck at 17, & has evolved to age appropriate emotional intelligence, insight, lost the egocentricity, & has done some self work....then you may have my attention. Otherwise, don't waste my time ☺

[@Nicamkam]

*Care Bear Stare 😂 it's called the care bear stare. I think I like care bear laser better though.

[@brightpage1020]

💕 🧸🐻‍❄️🐻☀️🌈🌟🍀🌧️❤ 🌸 🧁 🎷💫🏆🔒 💕 💗 🧸!!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉❤❤❤❤🎉❤🎉❤🎉❤🎉🎉❤🎉❤🎉❤🎉❤🎉❤🎉❤😊

[@deborahlee594]

I sincerely love most people but have anxiety when I want to approach them for conversations....so I end up avoiding them altogether. This depresses me very much.

[@thelastminmom5251]

Woah. I just realized something about myself from the first sentence she spoke. She said she was in a really competitive environment, that led her to have a need to control every situation. I never knew why I am the way I am….and then I heard her say that!? And I am baffled. That was me. I grew up in super competitive house with a mom who only liked it, if we won. First place every time. Or she wasn’t proud. I felt like I had to be the best, or do the best in everything. Even when I was an adult and married, pregnant. She said……whatever happens at the hospital, don’t let them give you a C section. It’s no good! Then of course after 24 hrs of hard labor, my doctor said….I think we need to go the c section route. I just cried and cried. No!! My mom said not to do that. I was worried she would be disappointed in me? Isn’t that sad? No wonder I am the way I am. I have a need to control and my husband says I’m very hard to approach about almost anything

[@magpiegirl3783]

Once you start to learn the triggers, you can start to relax. Fear of disappointing others goes back to your childhood and you have learned your defensive behaviours to protect the child you. Be proud of yourself that you learned how to look after yourself the best way you could when you were little. As an adult you can now learn new ways of approaching issues without fear of your mother’s voice.

[@realmofoz]

I am one of these people who are unapproachable. I honestly don't like people very much for good reasons. I have had a very trauma filled life and lots of loss with family and I just can not allow anyone access to my inner most being. People can be very nasty, rude, mean, cruel. Can't really trust anyone, everyone has some agenda. Is it something that I want to do? No It's something I have to do out of survival. It's mentally exhausting for me to deal with other people and thier problems. Also it doesn't help my natural appearance (resting b-face) is in the equation as well and there is nothing I can do about that. So things are what they are.

[@EdelweisSusie]

I’m an adult who had a coercively-controlling father, so am a real introvert and ONLY trust people I’ve known 30+ years, NOT people I’ve met since. I’ve been abandoned so many times my barriers are so tall now that no-one can get over them and talking to strangers who I know will be pally-pally for a while then dump me - well, I’m just cutting out the middle man!!

[@signalfire15]

I had a co-worker tell me he thought I didn’t like him because I would just respond with “okay” any time he would talk to me. All he ever talked to me about was work that I needed to get done. Like wtf do you want me to say other than OKAY?! That was the day I decided I really don’t gaf what anyone thinks anymore. The people who matter will matter. The people who won’t matter won’t matter.

[@FreeSpirit47]

Some people become unapproachable from being hurt & betrayed too much. As I move through time, getting old is optional. I trust people less. As one of those rare people who is happy flying solo, all I need is me & my gorgeous Doberman. It's extremely rare for me to ask anyone for anything. When the whole town lost power & water on February 11 - 20, 2021 was the last time I asked anyone for anything. Being self-sufficient is a superpower!

[@KarmaWillComeBackAtYou]

It is all right to not be a people person.

[@toomuchinformation]

Unless you're working in a front facing environment. That'd be a nightmare.

[@BeautifulGood713]

Except if you’re supposed to be connecting with others as she said

[@videofan1010]

​@@toomuchinformationThen it just sucks 😂

[@joshuacorbin221]

​@@BeautifulGood713 there are testimonials out there of those who were fired for "not being a good cultural fit." Usually the situation was really that the employer needed a legal reason to fire someone on the autism spectrum.

[@uofmicha]

I wonder if her past competitive nature gives off a stand offish demeanor to others. Not everyone is competition with you. And if you want to be seen as more approachable, you have to get out of your comfort zone and do things differently.

[@Mszahnclass95]

I have trust issues. Plus 4:48 e huge .i only tuet seniori an animals for friends anxiety

[@jennifereldridge4795]

I do a lot of these beam love things because I have resting depression face...but anytime I am interested or focusing on what someone is saying and stop concentrating on beaming at them, they think I am depressed and don't want to listen....the opposite actually. It is easier in English, but I live in a foreign country and really have to focus if I want to understand the local language, so people really think I am sad....but if I am busy beaming love, no idea what they are saying...any solutiona for that?

[@JustaNobody-j8x]

It’s like wearing a familiar mask of aloofness that’s hard to take off. To break those old patterns really takes a lot of time and patience.

[@IHateNicolasCage]

Even when exchanging pleasantries she sounds disinterested. It has likely just developed over time without her knowledge.

[@rhyswong8976]

Ever since my teens I was told and experienced being unapproachable - maybe its my face problems, or I look too gangster, I look angry etc I dont know anymore despite changing my appearance and trying to look like a funny salesman. My 20s is wasted trying to be nice to people to make me "approachable" ending up being label too nice and a faker. Now that Im in 30s, I gave up trying to be someone, Im just Me which is sooo much easier. Life is too short to try to change yourself especially unchangeable physical appearance like my face. Good part is so rare a salesman dare approach me LOL. I may look aggressive, but if someone approaches me I give them my genuine welcome.

[@morriganja354]

Going through this exact scenario at work. I’m in leadership and good at my job, but the thing that routinely pops up between mentors and peers is that I’m unapproachable. I’m not sure if I can change enough to make it work. I feel like I can… but it might not be sustainable. Dunno, will try!

[@dove861]

I love these tips but I feel like I try the “I love this person” thing and what sometimes happens is you find out that person doesn’t like you or said something mean and you’re hurt because you tried so hard to be kind. Then I find myself avoiding people again to protect myself.

[@magpiegirl3783]

I find it hard to connect, but I’m approachable … people come to me with their problems a lot. I care about people but it’s becoming really hard to feel like I care. that sounds strange but I feel drained by people. I’m an introvert and prefer my own company and socialising just bugs me out. I am an avoider. I envy those people who have the outgoing and amicable approach. It’s easier to withdraw than engage sometimes.

[@ellisisland4902]

You are responsible for your face. If you want to invite people in smiling is a great way to do it. If you’re not sure how to smile practice in the mirror.

[@ValouQc]

One of my friends was like that and we thought it was cuz she had mean eyebrows, people were intimidated.

[@michellew5641]

Care Bear. Yes. That's what I am. With animals. With children. With anyone suffering. (Adults are tough).

[@mirosDV]

Thank you so much for this advice on love and care bear visualizations. I Love it! And will definitely put it to use

[@JoysJourney2012]

Sometimes the weirdest advice is the best advice, but if you're willing to try it, it is so worth it!

[@jcjvcjc98]

I come off as unapproachable and this is because, as a general matter, I don't want to be apprpached, but that isn't because I actively don't want to talk to people - I very much do - it's just thst talking to people, particulatly strangers in a uncontrolled environment, causes me a lot of anxiety, which then makes me very embarassed, which makes me more anxious, etc. etc.

[@dk1828]

Dr D, you’re just the best! I’m keeping this for future reference. 🙌

[@gessrinky9129]

Remember we have three selves. Who WE think we are. How others see us…and how we THINK others see us. And every person has a different interpretation of how they see you.

[@keeks1999]

He is so wise, I’m always amazed by the advice he gives.

[@aimeehamby828]

Happy Thursday 🌸☀️

[@meetandinspire]

"After you meet somebody, go back to your desk and write them a quick thank you note not an email and send it to them."

[@sharimason2977]

I stay in my own lane. There are some people who come off as so nice and engaging that I reveal too much information. I'm getting better, though.

[@maryreynolds5310]

Dr…a fireman lost his son a year ago…I left a message and I want you to please read it. You changed my own life, and I want you to know how. Please go back and read it 😊 Stay blessed and again…Thank You!

[@brightpage1020]

❤ 💕 💗

[@MostBoringNameEver]

That episode was gut wrenching!

[@kristennagel5809]

I have been manipulated by people in the past ..so now I don’t trust people easily . What they say and what they do are two different things. So I have learned to watch people In what they do and what they say ..and it dictates who they are and then after studying people I then create the circle of people I can trust ..when leads to me being more relational

[@Maria-jo6nn]

I think that is nice Dr John you are sending Love theses people .

[@janelleg597]

The text says Nicole, John says JANELLE multiple times

[@flashthecorgi2053]

Her name is Janelle. The last caller was Nicole (one about OCD.) The show team just didn’t transfer over to the lower third!

[@elaineventer9531]

I've been told that people of scared of me...

[@ExpatRN]

It’s called “The Care Bear Stare” John….. 😊

[@sweatequity7160]

It's called the "Care Bear Stare". Don't ask me how I know that.

[@jonathansellers793]

The fucking Care Bears 💀💀

[@emlylemly9748]

I'm what you'd call "prickly" 😅 struggle greatly with eye contact.

[@brightpage1020]

Any chance any of the folks who relate might be on autism spectrum? Slightly?

[@MostBoringNameEver]

Oh me too... it's so awkward!

[@emlylemly9748]

@@MostBoringNameEver where do you even look?! I always feel like I'm either drilling them in the eye of staring at the ground. 🤣

[@BG-nm5xt]

Childhood? What were her parents and family like? Where did this issue come from? She's very vague. If she looks unapproachable, she's not in the right job.

[@curlyhairdudeify]

I'm an introvert. I don't care if people don't approach me, or of they have ill conceived opinions of me.

[@waynepolo6193]

That strikes me as exactly the opinion you want others to have of you.

[@thaneros]

I'm guessing she has a natural RBF

[@toomuchinformation]

I'm guessing she hasn't.

[@ClearandHealthyBoundaries]

I had to explain this to my now work rude girl posse. 😢

[@mariaroquavega5664]

Oh Dr J I gotta tell you that you said a lot of helpful things. I have a few similar things with this caller and it's hard to really describe every little detail. But this episode really spoke to me. Thank you 13:06

[@LaDamra]

He is right. She doesn’t fit with her job . It’s about her work and how she comes across and how they see her. She may be able to “act” her way through, but how exhausting.

[@squeezycakes]

Me, I need to rewatch this

[@domingopartida5812]

If some people say I’m unapproachable, then they are absolutely correct for thinking that hahaha

[@hoosiermama3001]

I missed where she moved from Nevada to Idaho during the call

[@hoosiermama3001]

And changed her name from Nicole to Janelle

[@zachg9065]

I recently had one of my best friends tell me the same and it makes sense

[@cleliaparnell8743]

Wow! This is me...

[@carolcole570]

I think everyone, to some extent , has this issue. With me I am afraid that someone close is going to die……because I have had SO MANY loved ones die. I have pulled into my shell while around people, but on paper, am able to open up, because I feel safer being “ removed “ from them. ( 3-28-2024 )

[@vhol93]

I'm her! Lol

[@Iamchristaelaine]

She just need to work on her soft skills!

[@DevonWildZillaTeschJr]

I came here to try to figure out how to become unapproachable..

[@ndl78]

I don’t think this works lol

[@izeyodiase]

You’re just introverted.

[@Juicycouturebubblegumwhore]

I find myself very closed off, I sit with my arms closed all the time, I’m always putting physical distance between myself and others. It’s not to be weird I just enjoyed my little bubble and being in my own world!

[@cloverlengocphuong2197]

video importee dans ma tete.

[@itswhatever6950]

This is sooo me

[@Oatmealxxx]

I understand this. I’m ridden with social anxiety since I was 4 years old. Ppl who got to know me always say they had a different impression of me because I was “quiet” and “pretty” and mistook that as snobbish behavior.

[@IHateNicolasCage]

Wear a MAGA Hat. You'll be approached with every opinion possible!

[@road_king_dude]

Mexicans Always Get Across

[@cristineconnell7803]

😂😂

[@LadyWillanger]

😂😂😂

[@jose131991]

@@road_king_dude😂😂😂 that’s gonna piss people off

[@Alex-Mex]

@@jose131991Mexican here…I laughed 😅

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

Beautiful advise.🤍