Johnny Carson: Hilarious Phrases You'll Never Hear, Tonight Show 1989

Watch Carson episodes every night on Antenna TV at 10:00PM ET / 7:00PM PT and 4:00PM ET / 1:00AM PT!
Johnny Carson reads funny sayings and cliches that you'll never hear, on the Tonight Show 1989.
Subscribe to Johnny Carson's Official KZbin channel bit.ly/johnnysub. Watch this full Tonight Show episode at bit.ly/carson01.... Original airdate: January 4th, 1989.
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[@zooeyhall]

Like so many other things in life, you don't miss them until they are gone. Listening to Johnny late at night on the TV, little did we know that it was the middle of the Golden Age of talk show TV. Never to come again. I'm really thankful for the folks who put up these videos of the Tonight Show.

[@alisaforesthillscb3brigade816]

Oh I know

[@leandar]

Wait, you don't think Jimmy Fallon is another golden age?! I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I KID!

[@davidrosler5413]

You said so much that is true. We didn't realize we had a diamond until we were force fed the crumbling, dull rocks that came afterward and continue to bore, usually with endless political crap.

[@surgec]

Conan was the last disciple of Carson’s charm & wit.

[@googoo-gjoob]

@@leandar , *go to your room!*

[@gastondeveaux3783]

Johnny was the king. I could watch these for hours. He was so funny, and always looked great.

[@tammyebrown2410]

Guest Ed Ames right on crotch shot with his hatchet! Jeff Brown

[@mickeystewart7199]

THE BEST TALK SHOW HOST OF ALL TIME--BY FAR

[@lancer525]

No, I'm afraid that would be Graham Norton. Even Carson doesn't compare.

[@fedupamerican296]

@@lancer525 Graham is pretty great.

[@roblabow9702]

He was respectful of his guests and was not a smart a...

[@drmorqWarrenProject]

sorry... I love Johnny... he was a lot like my dad... but Dick Cavett was really the best back in the day..

[@louders3760]

@@lancer525 Ur an idiot.

[@ohroonoko]

“That’s the banjo player’s Porsche.” Enter Steve Martin

[@alisoncole3211]

Haha true

[@mizzury54]

LOL. That's exactly what I thought when he said that.

[@user-wm3bf7pi3u]

Billy Connolly too.

[@TralfazConstruction]

My parents would let me stay up, even as sometimes sleep won out, to watch The Tonight Show on Friday evenings when I was in grade school in the '60s. Once in a while they'd order pizza from a pizzeria that was open until midnight on weekends. Good memories.

[@rainicascadia5514]

Wow those are good memories!

[@davidrosler5413]

Great story.

[@TralfazConstruction]

@@rainicascadia5514 The delivery fellow drove a '50s-era Cadillac with a hole in the muffler. We could hear the car chugging up the hill about three-quarters of a mile away. At one point my father asked the guy if he wanted to fix the muffler and it was taken care of on a Saturday as I watched. We got a couple of free pizzas (I imagined the driver paid for them) after that. It took some getting used to having the delivery fellow actually knock on the door because we couldn't hear the Caddy heading our way after that.

[@Name-ps9fx]

Wow, such cool parents!

[@jackmeyhoffer5107]

Great memory! Unfortunately, you don’t appreciate things like that until they are gone.

[@badapple65]

I miss Johnny so badly. RIP

[@keithpurduecroft]

Still the best Ever. It was the Johnny Carson Show.

[@Riteaidbob]

Never afraid to bomb. Always laughed at himself.

[@lorenzoascali5839]

Are used to enjoy when is a joke Bombed. It made him even more funny. He was the greatest! Even when I was in high school I could not go to bed until I watched Johnny Carson show.

[@dallasbrubaker6054]

I think he bombed on purpose. It was just as funny.

[@schizoidboy]

So did the audience. Just listening to the ones that bomb are just as good.

[@joemarshall4226]

@@schizoidboy He brought you in on the PROCESS...that's what made it fun....

[@CusterFlux]

31 years later, and most of this is still funny … wow

[@user-wm3bf7pi3u]

Bud light is even funnier, no one wants one of them now.

[@johngullo9420]

He was called The King Of Late Night for a reason. Johnny was a national treasure.

[@lenhummel5614]

I am not exaggerating when l say just about 99.9% of America LOVED Johnny. ... and he was greatly rewarded. Tremendous talent and wit.

[@Sluggo01]

Worth every penny.. of laughs

[@joemarshall4226]

The amazing thing was, after all those years, you had no idea what johnny's personal politics or religious ideas were......but he talked about politics all the time......

[@ronfullerton3162]

@@joemarshall4226 All politicians that messed up from either party got some of Johnny's ribbing. A Congressman from Hawaii was ribbed several times because he had fallen asleep during a very important bill debate. Johnny's take on it was that the Congressman "wanted to sleep on it"!

[@palabrajot505]

Howard Stern hatred his ass. Ed's too.

[@palabrajot505]

Not intended to be a rebuttal to your statement, simply a related factoid.

[@billyrossi4661]

Even when Johnny jokes bomb he still was funny..🙂👍

[@rdecredico]

That is when he is at his funniest.

[@michaelwhalen1201]

Johnny was it😎

[@rainicascadia5514]

The best late night show ever! I would watch this in bed every night as a teenager. Times were so much better then. Wish I could go back...

[@richardcook6284]

I miss Johnny Carson.

[@lawyerrock9488]

When comedy was actually funny..........

[@TheMomMom61]

All of us Boomers miss Johnny, too. May he rest in peace.

[@GradyPhilpott]

Carson respected his audience and he also had a quality called self-respect, which is hard to find in the media these days.

[@haroldwilkes6608]

Grady Philpott - and the feeling was mutual.

[@christophercanales8040]

A true gentleman broda

[@joemarshall4226]

He was there to serve his audience and his guests. He was a real HOST.

[@fudhater8592]

I love his shows but let's be real here, the guy beat his wives and he disowned his black granddaughter. I'm pretty sure Fallon, et.al. that everyone is ragging on never did this...

[@alexlandherr]

The one about Geraldo Rivera still resonates!

[@wsemmons2001]

And still resonates in 2020! Except most people would be like Geraldo who?

[@Ptpop]

Geraldo is here in Cleveland now. They gave him and his wife a morning show on a local AM radio station. OMG they’re awful.

[@Doxymeister]

LOL, I can't hear the name "Geraldo" now without thinking of the guinea pig from the series "The Stand".

[@stone1andonly]

You know its bad when getting punched in the face looks like a career highlight! He probably still ranks as one of America's Five Most Punchable Faces, somewhere behind Martin Shkreli.

[@MORE1500]

The one about Wall Street is even more relevant today.

[@voicegirl555]

Happy 94th Birthday Johnny Carson! I really miss you! I have not watched the Tonight show since you retired. You left a big hole that has never been filled.

[@TeekiesPlace]

Hilarious phrase you'll never hear: Speak up, Mr. Rickles....don't be shy

[@v8powerr771]

"Now Don, don't be so afraid to insult someone and You should really should make more jokes about black people"

[@odysseusrex5908]

RIP

[@bobbyslater1198]

"Wilburrr... Bring me a Philly fast!" - Mr. Ed.

[@joemarshall4226]

"Doc, this is show business. Stop wearing those conservative suits. Add some sparkle to your look."

[@joemarshall4226]

"Boy, Ed, you earn every penny of that million dollar salary we pay you."

[@musiccollector]

The King of comedy that nobody will ever even approach. Period!

[@csc4781]

King of late night I don't know about comedy in general. King of comedy is between Richard Pryor and George Carlin

[@csc4781]

+Paladin 1295 carlin and Pryor then robin

[@csc4781]

+Paladin 1295 those are my top 3

[@csc4781]

+Paladin 1295 my top 2 are George and Richard

[@Luka1180]

That is subjective +Paladin 1295

[@tagbarzeev4850]

If they ran reruns of Johnny they would get higher ratings than today's late night hosts

[@jackfunk5765]

That's the reason they don't run reruns. I am no spring chicken. I remember the black a white stuff. You could not air any of it today.

[@halbud]

that is very true I have Carson #1 all time Letterman#2 Conan#3 !!!

[@tagbarzeev4850]

@@jackfunk5765 you probably remember engineer bill and that genere of kids programming.

[@davidcrair4308]

every nite they do on antenna TV

[@robbybonfire9944]

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm just not accepting speeding tickets, today."

[@sevadaj]

Johnny was the best!!!!

[@alexwason8292]

That Danny DeVito one!

[@marshallhosel1247]

Love watching these, reminds me of watching with my grandpa.

[@chuckwagon5518]

Ed McMahon had the greatest laugh in hollyweird!

[@pamelajordan2890]

Johnny Carson was a kind sweet shy man..the best.. treated his guest with respect.❤️😺😸

[@jackmeyhoffer5107]

Well not exactly kind and sweet. He was most definitely the best late night tv host but he was a real bastard in his private life.

[@BobDiaz123]

Here's one more, "Look at all those Honest Politicians in Congress!!!"

[@ClearwaterBeachBum]

@wmfivethree think Seth stole the Italian family joke from George Carlin

[@juliepeterson7676]

HaHaHa!😄

[@fowchiiiliedpuppiesdied]

No one has ever come close, to this guy. The ultimate host.

[@josephbarclayross6216]

"But wait a minute, that wouldn't be ethical." ROTFLMAO

[@lawyerrock9488]

Especially coming from the democratic party

[@davidschwartz6380]

@@lawyerrock9488 n republican party as well

[@reazon2bangie]

He had more Class & better Humor on the nights when his jokes tanked than ALL of the late night hosts & SNL shows of past 10 years combined

[@libmathis1007]

Agree......

[@billythedog763]

sounds like todays hosts hurt your feelings with reality

[@wayneyadams]

I would disagree about the early SNL when the original cast was performing. They set a standard that these pathetic newcomers will never match.

[@wayneyadams]

@@billythedog763 It's called entertainment, it is supposed to carry you away from reality, if you want reality watch the news!

[@ronfullerton3162]

The nights the monologues bombed were such a treat due to Johnny's crazy looks and remarks. Then when it got real bad, the soft shoe dance, a strip tease, or some other crazy thing would happen. Doc and his band would sometimes step in. They did whatever it took to save the show, and it was always good.

[@deantait8326]

Carson was a stable of my life. Never got old. Saw him in Burbank and in N.Y. in 67 on a high school graduation trip. Born and raised in L.A. area. Not just West of Burbank on far West end of the SFV.

[@tangobango9653]

Too bad the Good Ole days of Steve Allen, Parr, Cavett, Snyder, Carson, Leno even Letterman are gone forever.

[@txvoltaire]

"They can't all be gems!"

[@ALD56]

"That was a tasteful and moving program, Mr. Rivera." 32 years since and there's still never even been a reason to say that.

[@mizzury54]

LOL. That was my favorite one.

[@katrinkasanfranciscobayare7364]

Most comments here are from 2016. This is December 2020..... Nobody Has Come Close 2 comparison next to Johnny Carson! The Greatest of all Time GOAT He made everyone laugh without even trying! Much love and respect from katrinka, San Francisco Bay Area🌴

[@stevenos100]

I miss johnny carson & the tonight show

[@malcolmbrannen]

"Mr. Carson your Volkswagen is ready"

[@haroldwilkes6608]

hugh jadonga - Ouch!

[@Jay_76]

Maybe after his divorce...

[@joemarshall4226]

Steve Martin has the Porsche and the Banjo...and a Lincoln and a Ferrari, and a ....well, whatever he wants....

[@FullHouseFanatic]

It was great to see you at the prayer meeting last night, Ozzy.

[@JRandallS]

I've seen footage of Ozzy praying, on his knees, unashamedly ....you know all of us sinners pray...only the self-righteous and the atheist are unable to cleanse their conscious.

[@bretthess6376]

Only Ozzie was able to bite the head off a bat... And call for catsup.

[@CharlieRiceMusic]

Steve Martin must've bought a Porsche just to refute this.

[@davidhull1481]

This was my first thought- you beat me to it!

[@Jim76]

25 years later, the one about Wall Street applies even more so.

[@guapoviejo9135]

Jim: Yup, and the one about Es( Street isn't the only one that still applies, even if in a slightly different context.

[@kdarkwynde]

Applies to Congress even moreso.

[@ALD56]

Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose.

[@rolyatknarfable]

Carson was entertaining even when he wasn't funny.

[@senorkaboom]

rolyatknarfable He was funnier when his material wasn't.

[@TralfazConstruction]

nfl doesn't matter: So evident in retrospect. That entire era when Johnny, Ed and Doc were going through their paces is something I won't see duplicated in what remains of my lifetime.

[@cyrusbringardner6487]

You are a lying sack of crap 💩

[@yelloworangered]

Yes, he was the best at handling bad material. Good skill for a comedian to have.

[@cyrusbringardner6487]

yelloworangered thank you dude

[@charlesdahmital8095]

He can't have gone far, his leg is still warm. The best one of the night.

[@VoyageOne1]

"That's the banjo player's Porsche"🤣

[@davidhull1481]

If Steve Martin doesn’t have a Porsche, it’s not because he can’t afford it

[@ReinEngel]

"I'm getting fed up with this orgasm!" "Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet."

[@vincecarnevale4406]

Johnny Carson, the essence of cool.

[@jenwanner4911]

He was the best of all time!!! Watch the show everynight on Antenna tv.

[@hardlines4]

Johnny had more class in his pinky than any of today’s late night show host Trash!!

[@thomascox7536]

Here's one more. Late night tv is worth watching again

[@Von45Rose]

Good night Johnny! I truly miss you.

[@microtasker]

The joke about the banjo players Porsche; I immediately thought of Roy Clark, because he could very well have one, or six of them.

[@davidhull1481]

And I thought of Steve Martin

[@joemarshall4226]

@@davidhull1481 me too

[@mizzury54]

Roy probably drove a pickup anyway.

[@robertborchert932]

Yes. Good Lord, I miss Johnny and those good years! Late night devolved into...well, you know. Dreck. Johnny Carson is a legend. He treated his guests with respect, as well as his audience.

[@haroldkammermeyer2486]

Thanks for making us laff when we were at our worst moments Johnny and Ed.-HK

[@onlyrick]

21st century top phrase you'll never hear - "I didn't know you were vegan."

[@not2tired]

I never knew you shop at Whole Foods

[@ddebenedictis]

"I didn't know you are training for a marathon"

[@AverageEldritchEntity]

"You're a republican? I hadn't a clue!" Is also the runner-up.

[@kattrakee]

Love you and miss you , Johnny and Ed ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼🤗🤗

[@v8powerr771]

Such an enormous crevice between this and the current tonight show, why won't they just air the Johnny Carson episodes instead, plenty to choose from.

[@bailey9r]

I think one reason is they push their agenda through humor, more subtle than the daily show but brainwashing anyway.

[@chrissoren3521]

I fully agree.

[@sweiland75]

After Carson left, it's progressively turned into crap. Now, with Fallon and his childish games, it's just unwatchable.

[@chrissoren3521]

I fully agree again. The Tonight Show has become unwatchable. It is a shame. Thank goodness for Jack Paar, Steve Allen, and Johnny Carson

[@georgesenda1952]

sweiland75 I've never understood why Fallon was given a show. He's not funny.

[@theresaholguin699]

Funny and hilarious. I miss Johnny. Best talk show host ever

[@rosehathaway3490]

My husband and I enjoyed him every Friday night only night we stayed up late because of work 🙂🙂🙂

[@CuriousGoodsJessica]

"My fellow Americans, I have a can of Pringles in my shorts..." is the least outrageous thing I expect to hear in 2018, how terrifying is that?

[@fowchiiiliedpuppiesdied]

Oh, it gets much, much worse…

[@unclecreepy4185]

“That’s the banjo player’s Porsche.” *Steve Martin has entered the chat*

[@unclecreepy4185]

“My fellow Americans, I have a can of Pringles in my shorts.” *Bill Clinton has entered the chat*

[@randallshepherd3519]

Funniest when he explained why a joke didn't work.

[@brianjones7660]

He'd fall on the sword and take the hit...

[@Djm8520]

There was Carson, the best of the classic talk show format and then there was Craig Ferguson, the absolute best deconstructed talk show.

[@rjwalker4153]

Another one for the DMV would be " There's no waiting in line today".

[@lordgarion514]

In NC the DMV doesn't let but one person in for each person working there thanks to covid-19. They got rid of the lines completely.😃

[@rjwalker4153]

@@lordgarion514 Depends what state your in. I'm reading that some DMV's are reopening now and so the lines are worse than they've ever been.

[@lordgarion514]

@@rjwalker4153 That would suck. At best, it's always been a horrible way to spend a day.

[@EricBlackmonGuitar]

How could Carson predict that Geraldo would not be different after all those years???

[@starguy2718]

The more things change...

[@edgray3553]

Thank

[@ehrichweiss]

Yep, I was about to say the same thing. Nothing has changed when it comes to Gerlfraudo Rivera.

[@messiahjordy1018]

I guess I am kind of off topic but does anybody know of a good place to watch newly released tv shows online ?

[@bernardfeldman4235]

Another phrase that you'll never hear-"Hit it, Enya...!" 😂🎙

[@TyUnglebower]

Jimmy Stewart followed by Bob Saget...the biggest drop in in quality between two guests in the history of anything.

[@mikecappadocia5959]

Lol no doubt

[@JesseWright68]

Bob Saget is an asshole.

[@madamerotten]

Poor Bob Saget. No one likes him. And no one should, either.

[@maddumass]

Bob Saget is worth, at least at one time $100 million. I never watched Full House and never will but that's a lot of money.

[@luukeluketer1024]

It's hard to believe Bob raped & murdered a lady in the early 90's.........

[@mizzury54]

The jab at Geraldo was gold !

[@Tanker1106]

Johnny Carson...when staying up late for the tonight show was worth it.

[@Dr_Tripper]

Here is a totally true story that refutes Johnny Carson's second example of something you will never hear. When I visited NBC as a teenager (15) I was invited by the guard at the entrance of the hallway leading to the Tonight Show stage area to "Step into the Green Room if you like, and watch the show until Johnny finishes." I spent a week at the studios in Burbank and got to meet the cast of many shows. I had lunch with Tommy Newsom and got to talk briefly with Ed McMahon in his make-up room. What a great week.

[@therenumerator9198]

The best program on TV ever.

[@ddebenedictis]

KZbin comment you will never read: "Today's late night hosts are so much better than Johnny"

[@joesezzz4324]

Johnny you still got it

[@elizabethhestevold1340]

Just for laughs, with morning 🌅 Coffee. Jonny hits the note 🎵🎶 every time. Take it or leave it!!💕🇩🇰🇺🇲😎📬 Again, and Again. Sure miss him.

[@davecarroll8186]

The day the "Late Night Comedy" died when Johnny Carson retired then died!!!!!

[@dannyboyy8465]

Jerry Seinfeld say it best, "He (Johnny) didn't just quit the Tonight Show, he packed it up and took it with him."

[@lindaseur9502]

The one and only. No one ever hosted a late show like the late great Johnny Carson.

[@judyxo]

12/2020 and I still miss ya Johnny. RIP 🙏🏼

[@at1970]

Better than anything on late night in the last 10 years.

[@fowchiiiliedpuppiesdied]

30.

[@ErikOosterwal]

A phrase you'll never hear in the CNN offices: "Why don't we just report the facts and let our audience form their own opinion?" Actually, you won't hear that in the offices of any current events reporting company.

[@cfwintner1]

I'll always miss him. Than God for recording.

[@pgh45rpms]

Compared to Johnny, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel & Jimmy Fallon simply don't measure up.

[@Bullzeye1000yds]

Even if they were talented,... they never had a chance.

[@UberLummox]

Bullshit. Johnny was great, but like this skit he had his share of stinkers as they all do. Always the same dumb repetitive comments saying"todays stuff sucks, bring back the '70s, Johnny was king bla bla bla". Painfully tiring comments in EVERY single Carson video.

[@psadelachute363]

Late Night TV will NEVER appear that way again. 😢

[@UberLummox]

@@psadelachute363 Right? So weird how things aren't exactly the same year after year. People like me are cursed to evolve past 1989 : (

[@rdm5190]

The only one that ever was in the running against Johnny was David Letterman... everybody that has followed those two were installed to promote agendas,not be a late night humor release before sleep to unwind,they were there to place subliminal thoughts to occupy sleep thought and promote said agendas

[@reivertomwilson4959]

" Another Government program on time and under budget!"

[@alexanderkelly7819]

Haha that's the best

[@yellolab09]

STOP IT

[@joemarshall4226]

You missed your calling.....

[@kilroy987]

Geronimo never jumped out of a plane and yelled "meeeeeeeeee"

[@gigiw.7650]

kilroy987 😂😂😂😂

[@davidhull1481]

I think that was a Steven Wright joke

[@steveadams9289]

He is the king of late night comedy and instinctive funny as no one ever

[@vincentdefeo5917]

Best talk show host ever,by parr

[@googoo-gjoob]

Steve Allen, Jack Paar, Johnny, Tom Snyder, Dave..... i had no idea i was so blessed. i thought it would _always_ be that good. look at the crap we've got now. since Dave retired, i havent been able to get through an entire show by anybody. i dont even try anymore. sad.

[@GrumpyGrobbyGamer]

The master at work. Lord I miss Johnny

[@tylerzorn6152]

SIMPLY THE BEST NEVER TO BE OUT DONE OR EQUALED !!!!!

[@Awebreeze-zm3st]

Finally, the last joke was of Ed going to doors of Publishers Clearinghouse winners. Many swear he didn't. They call it the Mandella Effect. Verification finally, I remembered him doing it and it was on television.

[@MichaelGunner123]

Johnny was THE BEST....& many of those 'sayings' were quite funny, btw.

[@klmiller]

Johnny Carson can have a joke not do well, and he can still make it funny.

[@CajunLady333]

I miss Johnny and Ed. Ed's laugh adds to the jokes.

[@rezzer7918]

👏👏👏 HEYOHHH!!!

[@lenhummel5614]

America loved Johnny more than anyone you can name. Even more than Bing, Bob Hope, or John Wayne. ❗💎

[@davidambrose7012]

i think he was tops

[@JK-hk2cm]

+David Ambrose No doubt about it!

[@stephaniedp111]

Love his humor. Colbert and Myers carry it on Beautifully!

[@fowchiiiliedpuppiesdied]

Huh? Are you nuts? They suck, and they lie to cover for corrupt politicians. Disgusting. Johnny didn’t let any politician off the hook. No matter the party.

[@louiselaubach6010]

Miss him SO MUCH!

[@Cryptonymicus]

So does Steve Martin own a Porsche?

[@glenlee9537]

was thinking the same thing

[@candeffect]

He owns a few dealerships.

[@bobdagostino4130]

King of late night. No one even comes close today

[@rickhale4348]

Presidents listened to Carson to get an understanding of what Americans were thinking. Just the opposite today, the MSM doesn't think like Americans at all.

[@chris72.]

CNN is the same way

[@rickhale4348]

@@chris72. I don't understand what you mean.

[@chris72.]

@@rickhale4348 misquoting Donald Trump instigating rio with the rabble rousing newscast. They do nothing positive it's all negative just like MSN.

[@rickhale4348]

@@chris72. Thank you, understood. Whether I'm a supporter of President Trump or not isn't the problem. The MSM with CNN leading the pack is a propaganda tool incapable of reporting the news or providing thoughtful commentary.

[@chris72.]

@@rickhale4348 yeah nothing's really going to change until someone changes until someone changes the media.

[@brianarbenz7206]

You'll never hear a President saying he had a can of Pringles in his shorts? Stick around.

[@edlawn5481]

It's a distinct possibility now.

[@wayneyadams]

Clearly no one was privy to all of Bill Clinton's exchanges with his interns.

[@elizabethhestevold1340]

Needed this Tonight.🤗💕🇩🇰🇺🇸🗽🦅📬