the skeleton in my closet

this video is super long but super honest and something I've wanted to talk about so many times but could never really find the right words or the courage to speak 'em.
I'm glad I eventually did... even if those words ended up filling an hour 😂 thank you for continuing to give me a safe place to open up and share my experiences, no matter how real they get.
Sending you all the love and light you deserve and more ✨
Welcome to video TWENTY-ONE of #YOUTOBER2019 ❤
Don't forget to subscribe + hit the notification bell so you don't miss the next video!
❤
GET YOUR KOZE-TOBER MERCH ❤
allthingskoze.com
YOUTOBER playlist//
open.spotify.c...
Do you like to read? ▹
Fiction ⫸ CATCHER ▹ www.amazon.com...
Inspo/Motivation ⫸ FEELS ▹ www.amazon.com...
▼ KOZE DAILY BREW Channel ▹ / @kalynscoffeetalk
▵ Twitter ▹ / kalynnicholson
▼ Instagram ▹ / kalynnicholson13
▵ My Coffee Talk Podcast ▹ bit.ly/KalynsCo...
bit.ly/KalynsCo...
▼ Spotify ▹ open.spotify.c...
▵ Blog ▹ under construction
Video Intro shot by Arthur Parra // / arthurtparra
** This video is not sponsored ❤

[@gabypolancoa]

56:13 - "the way that i had spent (and have spent) years telling other people how to love themselves, and the way that i genuinely want people to love themselves, i finally started to love myself that way". THANK YOU. just thank you...

[@hi.panda.]

I remember being worried about you back in 2018 when you were losing weight rapidly. So happy you've come so far you can share this ❤

[@bettyblond1]

same. I know she wasn't ok, but can't help her, I was sad. I'm glad she did this video.

[@aliceinreality2815]

You weren't the only one, but I didn't want to comment, because there is a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes, and I just hoped Kalyn was working through it. So glad that Kalyn is working through this, and hope that it can help others to create a healthier life style.

[@brynna8619]

I had to stop watching her videos after she posted one where she wasn't eating calorically very much and exercised twice in a day. I'm so glad she is feeling better

[@ashleyjarrett3240]

At 17 minutes when she talked about romanticizing disorderly behavior and making it your friend hit home- especially when I think of food and also sleep and overworking

[@cassandramichellecoaching]

Seriously and that she wasnt saying eating disorder so it couldnt be used that way... I felt called out for some of my past behavior

[@TheTogaParty22]

kalyn, i've been a subscriber for so many years now, but this past year i haven't kept up with your videos as much as i would have liked to. it was a combination of being super busy and not being ready to hear all of the the good things you had to say lol. i clicked on this video thinking i wouldn't be able to gain anything from it, because i am physically so different to you. i'm extremely overweight and i have such an unhealthy relationship with food, but i always told myself that i deserved all of these negative feelings. i told myself that i wasn't allowed to even talk about the fact that my relationship with food is bad, because it's only the skinny people who are starving themselves who are allowed to talk about these things. but watching this video has made me realize that it's not true at all, and i deserve to talk about this, and i deserve to accept what i'm really going through. i also want to say, this is definitely my favorite video that you have ever made, because you are so open and honest, and seriously, that makes you such a beautiful and amazing person. you are glowing in this video, and you are helping so many people, and even tho i've written an essay here (lol) i don't think i can properly express in words, how much this video means to me. i love you 💜

[@luciedonze7368]

You don't deserve those negative feelings. You deserve to feel happiness, loved by yourself and how magical you are 💌✨ keep taking care of yourself and be proud of any step you accomplished 💗 be proud of the process you are going through 🥰 Sending love and happiness to you! Ps I relate a lot about not watching her video because not being readyto hear all the eye opening things she says.

[@TheTogaParty22]

@@luciedonze7368 thank you so much! 😭😭😭😭 also I'm so glad you can relate hahahaha sometimes Kalyn is too good to us!

[@ncwest1984]

I got more from this comment than I didnfrom this video because I totally relate. I too and overweight and I'm attempting to do the eeve surgery and because my family thinks I deserve all the bad things thats occurred in my health bc of my unhealthy love of food. I havent told anyone. But I know that I deserve to be happy and healthy and if I dont believe that then who will i be for the next 5 mins, hours, days, years?? You deserve to be happy, feel beautiful and if we make changes today, we can talk about it in the future as apart of our past and how great would that feel? I hope you are well. Sending love and light , hugs and kisses, Natalie

[@TheTogaParty22]

@@ncwest1984 you 100% deserve to be happy! And you're so right, if we aren't there for ourselves, and we don't believe in ourselves, then it doesn't matter who believes in us. I hope you are well too and I hope the surgery goes well 💜💜💜

[@Miss_Annlaug]

Oh girl my heart goes out to you! Every person has challenges. I can relate in feeling that mine are not important. That only pretty people are allowed the luxury of feelings and moods. But this is just not true. Be strong girl! Your life and feelings are just as important as Kalyns, mine and all your friends and family

[@rebeccagruntz3116]

I didn’t know I needed to hear this until you said “People are the most beautiful when they’re genuinely happy.” Thank you a thousand times over for your vulnerability time and time again. You are so brave and I know I don’t know you personally, but I’m so proud of you!

[@francanonn811]

Thank you so much for this. This summer I spent 8 weeks in a clinic specialises for eating disorder treatment. The fact that you're being authentic and honest about your journey gives me so much hope and makes me feel less alone. ❤️

[@bjork914]

"I started starving my fears by feeding myself" this resonated so much. I went through a very similar journey with the early childhood restriction/binge cycle growing up. It took becoming pregnant and becoming a mother to start to realize my body was not the enemy, and it has changed my life completely 💜

[@Miss_Annlaug]

I can relate. My cravi gs for food or alcohol spike when I feel unsafe or threatened in a way. Instability or stress can cause it. But knowing that is half the battle I think.

[@deegard2123]

i have never heard anyone talk so truthfully, wholeheartedly about this topic before. incredibly grateful.

[@PlantBasedBride]

I'm so glad you have finally shared your experience with this, Kalyn. I had a similar eating disorder in my early 20s and have been in recovery for 5 years now. It's so important to speak openly about disordered eating so we can encourage others to seek help! I really respect your openness in this video and am so glad you're now in a healthier place

[@sarahottl113]

i am sooo glad you opened up about this... I am 18 right now and moved out a month ago to live alone and go through the exact same cycle of restricting and binging, also purging... I am a true (german) fan of your channel for almost 2 years, love your videos, podcast, merch, everything you do. I just wanted to say thank you for beeing so honest, because i know how hard it is especially because i haven´t told anyone yet how much i am struggeling... Thank you for making me consider getting help a little more!

[@Ggggc14]

A trigging and heavy topic which was conveyed in such a refreshing, positive, and insightful manner. I could hear the love and healing in this video; your freedom echoing. I could hear the learnings embedded by your therapist such as coping strategies, identifying root causes, self-love, self-healing, and much more. There were many light bulb moments in this video that all of us connected with. You have touched many people through this video; additionally through you-tube and just you being you. I became teary-eyed with the statement of how when you were little you had such enthusiasm for something as simple yet magical like a tree and how you wish you still had that same spark. I resonated so hard :(Don’t let the magic disappear and keep spreading the love and light 💕

[@nyomipaine8346]

GIRL! I👏 am so freaking proud of you!!! I have watched you for several years now and I love seeing how much you've changed and progressed! 💕 Thank you for being so open and honest and real with yourself and allowing us to share and partake in this journey. All the love to you and also I'm proud of you for noticing how you were doing this youtober and making sure to scale back and take care of yourself. 💖💖💖

[@JudyBarazi13]

I remember you talked about this topic a really long time ago, like maybe 2012 and that video has long gone disappeared from KZbin. Thank you for being super raw with us

[@xxshelbyrose]

from the bottom of my heart, thank you so incredibly much for your raw candor. not only that but for baring your soul and speaking your truth. I can only imagine how hard it was for you to be this candid about your journey but I cannot thank you enough for your bravery because you spoke to my body, mind and soul in a way that I didn't quite realize how desperately I needed. you truly are such an inspiration and I owe you for opening my eyes to something my mind has been trying to vail for so long. sending so much love to you.

[@nedinealberts7020]

You are BRAVE !!! Not only to open up and share this incredible story, which must've been very difficult for you. But also to build up the courage and be so kind and caring to share to open a chapter of healing for anyone and everyone out there going through the struggle and keeping the closet door shut. May your heart be lifted and the crack in your soul from this ongoing cycle be filled with pure gold !! THANK YOU for your commitment to your channel and inspire us on a daily, being vulnerable is not easy yet YOU make it look so elegant and sophisticated

[@lunaliz1766]

As an anorexia survivor, I appreciate this video so, so much. I have seen in the last years how toxic body image has affected you (or at least, as someone who knows that feeling very well, I guessed this was what you were going through) and at times I had to stop watching your videos because you were noticeably unhappy. But that's okay!! we can't always be happy and dealing with such hard shit takes time. It is totally okay you didn't want to share. Dealing with mental issues takes a lot of bravery and sharing them online takes a lot more. So, thank you for your honesty. We always love you no matter what 💗

[@georgiarae3430]

5:04 in and i’m already crying. it’s nice to see that other people relate to this and even people as beautiful as you. i’m slightly scared to watch the rest but i’ll get there.

[@miss88keys7]

I’ve struggled with this my whole life. But when I started watching your channel i started learning from you about the healthier sustainable ways to take care of my body. Watching your workout videos and meal planning videos has helped me a lot with overcoming this!

[@krissykrissylove]

Thank you, thank you so much for sharing these things. These are what I'm currently feeling right now. And I was ashamed that I was the only one experiencing these. Nobody has talked abt binge eating disorder (BED), which is real, at least for me. And I had no one to talk to cuz no one was gonna understand, because guess what, I'm doing my Master's degree in Nutrition. Learning about all the facts and doing exactly the opposite when I get home makes me wanna tear off my face over and over again or jump down from my verrenda. I was so ashamed and lonely and out of control. Still am till now. But now, I have learnt that I'm not alone, people experience these things, and that I'm surprised to learn that YOU experience these too, cuz you always seem like so in control of your life and so disciplined!! Whenever I'm feeling put of control, I always think "What would Kalyn do?", Cuz you're kinds like an inspiration time. Idk what I'm saying right now. I'm just so grateful to know these same hardships you've gone through. So now, what I'm going to do is I'm gonna accept that I have BED, that I've gained weight, and I'll work out to physically feel awesome and not to look like VS models (which has been my life goal, but I'll get to that part later on) and if I want to binge, I'll do that to enjoy after a hard day at school, and not out of stress or depression or self-hatred.

[@GoblinsAreAGirlsBestFriend]

This was a really raw, honesty video. Thank you for that. Many of us saw you drifting away after your breakup with Greg. I'm glad you're clawing your way back out. I hope you continue to make progress and discover things about yourself that you can learn from, correct and share with us.

[@carolynbyler6775]

You did such an amazing job of putting into words exactly how it feels when you’re in that place, and all the “logic” behind it. I was relating SO HARD, but you also did such an incredible job at putting into words what it all actually is and the root causes. This talk was very healing, not triggering at all. Most talks like this tend to be triggering, but thankyou for finding the words to give people hope and life while still being 100% relatable. This whole talk is AMAZING. I relate to every single thing you said, and having been “out of it” for a good deal of years...it’s really amazing to look back and remember these feelings and truly understanding the healing that has happened in my life ❤️

[@stephaniehelton5876]

There is a book I would encourage you to pick up called “Mothers, Daughters, and Body Image” by McBride. This video is already speaking to my heart. As a someone who is in recovery with an ED and someone who works with others as a clinician now for ED, it makes my heart so full to hear another person speak out about the shame experienced for existing in our bodies. I haven’t yet finished the video, but I already feel so thankful to you for opening up. I can only imagine the anxiety from that

[@Lunadrella]

thank you

[@Annalisa814201]

I have followed you for years now and it’s always amazing to see how open you are to being vulnerable in front of us. I really needed to hear all of these things you so beautifully put! thanks for opening a conversation on these topics, this world needs your soul now more than ever 💕

[@morgannrozental7175]

Hey! I think you just stopped me from getting back in a bad habbit! It feels like these little guys won't leave me alone sometimes. I hope you're right when you say being healed exists. I think everything happens for a reason. You made this video for a reason and it touched me. Thanks for all of your content! It helps me a lot every day...

[@zibbysmith9512]

Thank you so much for talking about this! This video and the way you talk about your emotional growth is so powerful. It made me realize somethings I've been avoiding in my own life. Something that I haven't really been able to face, but has been controlling my life in more ways than one. A lot of this hit home for me. I'm so proud that you were able to grow through this experience, and it gives me hope that I will grow too! Perhaps, through my growth, I can inspire others the same way you inspired me today. I love your videos! Keep growing! 💕

[@lesyeuxdemini]

Wow when you said the next vlog is gonna be long I didn’t expect this to be 1 hour long. I needed this more than ever. Thank you so much, Kalyn.

[@Thefitty]

I took one look at the *length of this video and knew some serious mic drop moments we're going to go down. Thank you for this coffee talk.*

[@tscullion777]

So so so so proud of you to talk about this, because IT"S REALLY HARD!! I grew up with a mom who had all the same behaviors, but she didn't take all the brave, and scary steps you have been doing to heal yourself, and get real with your life. Thankfully, you won't carry this (as much as you think) through into the later parts of your life. But it will always be there, and you'll have to be really mindful to it, when life gets tough, or things go south. My mom is in her 60's and has never and will never fully overcome her body issues, or eating disorder. I grew up learning how to hate myself and my body, and have been through a ton with everything including SO much of what you have been through and similar issues. I've been in therapy my entire adult life off and on, and it's so important you are loving yourself, and giving yourself this help. Thank you for opening up here, that had to be terrifying! But your secrets keep you sick...! I LOVE seeing women like you stepping up and challenging that voice in your head that says you aren't worthy, or that you need to do these harmful behaviors to yourself. You are SO amazing! If you ever need someone to talk to about this, DM me, I will always listen.

[@meowgo333]

thank you so much for this video. i’ve gone through a similar thing for the past few years now, and i think i’m finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. thank you for being so raw and honest, and showing that it’s okay because we’re all human. i have so much love and respect for you, and i wish nothing but health, happiness and success for you 💛

[@elianecloutier1327]

Thank you so much for sharing all of this. I, just like most people, have suffered with toxic body image and am still figuring out what it means to live a life where aesthetics and societal norms aren't at the forefront. I have found your videos and your content to be a lot more genuine and open and honest for the past few months and I am so happy for you if you do actually feel better. xxx

[@maddyG7414]

This SHOCKED me. I never would have thought that you dealt with these things. When I was younger I struggled with an eating disorder and I would always look at you and see you as this picture of health and beauty. It's honestly kind of nice to hear that you felt the way I felt and I really resonated with your story. Thank you for being open about this. Wow.

[@ellawarnberg4528]

30:20 thank you so much for bringing this up! I have had such a bad relationship with food and my body for a few years now, and recently I've started to actually accept that. I feel like I might have an eating disorder, but since people I know only know of typical BEHAVIOURS of different types of eating disorders, every time I try to tell someone about my THOUGHTS, they say "but you don't seem to be overeating to me, that's a normal amount of food". Well it might be, I wouldn't know because it FEELS like I'm eating way too much, and then I beat myself up over it, feel bad, binge eat again to cope with my anxious feelings about it, feel worse, repeat. At least I've acknowledged this behaviour now and am trying to get better but it's hard. So thanks for mentioning that the illness can be in your mind too, even when it's not visible on the body. It's so important!

[@bubblebathskies]

thank you so much for making something so raw and personal - and for doing it at the right time for you as well. i've been dealing with anxiety, depression, binge-eating, and other unhealthy habits for such a long time and this genuinely fills me with hope. luckily i'm doing a lot better now than i was even 6 months ago, but i know this is only the start of my wellness journey and i'm actually kind of excited in a weird way to tackle any problems that might arise. the honesty and authenticity of your videos and podcasts is honestly so SO encouraging. sending so much love out to you, and also a little into myself!

[@sarahquinn5461]

As much as you think this was a massive secret you were keeping from everyone, (now I can only speak for myself but) I knew there was something, something in this area that had you wrapped up and tangled in it. I've been a long time subscriber and noticed it the past few years only because I think I love your channel so much because I feel i relate to your habits and routines. Thank you for being so raw and honest about this topic! You're a tough nut!!

[@ashleybyrum4675]

I’m just now coming across this and so glad that you shared your story. In the past few months I have been working to embrace myself as I am and eating more intuitively. Breaking the cycle of restricting and binge eating is hard and it helps to hear others’ stories of related experiences. The process of recovering and improving is a beautiful thing ❤️

[@ashleyechevarria1808]

I love this soooo much! You have no idea how inspiring your story is to others! I know sharing this tool major guts and I applaud you for not only sharing it but living it.

[@kirstenlouwes6852]

Thank you so much for all your openness and honesty. I've been watching your channel for I think close to about 6 years now. I've always looked up to you and your body. Hearing that you too struggle with these things just like me feels liberating. Thank you Kalyn ❤️

[@lilaluftikuss1295]

Wow, thank you! Beautiful. Important topic. It's really obvious how you grew throughout this progress. This video really made you kind of reach out through the screen and connect with the viewer on a personal level because of the raw honesty in your words and eyes. Lots of love from Germany

[@amymarie120]

I love you Kalyn, you are such an amazing role model for young girls. I'm a plus size woman who works in a gym, so it's fair to say every day I am faced with insecurities and shame over my body image being in a fitness environment. Some days I wish I could wear a T-shirt saying how I've been unwell and it's not my fault, just so I'm not judged. But the real judgement comes from myself. I've been telling myself from a little girl if I'm heavy I won't be loved. I too entered bad and unhealthy relationships because of this. When you said you stayed in unhealthy relationships waiting for someone to love you as you should be loving yourself (or something like that) you blew my mind. It really spoke to me. Thank you. Sending you love and Hugs from Oxford Uk.x

[@m3l0nad3]

Kalyn you are absolutely amazing. Body positivity is something I was not around growing up either. I am struggling with my body right now and I'm slowly realizing I can't deal with these things alone anymore I do need help. Thank you for being so open and honest with all that you are going through, I'm definitely listening.

[@alatteandromance]

thank you so much for sharing this with the world. thank you for your vulnerability. most importantly thank you for helping me realize I am not alone. as I am listening, I am realizing that it sounded so familiar. it was like you were talking about my story and my journey,. I needed this today. thank you.

[@maryjewel5923]

I started to cry in the middle of the video because I realized how insecure I am and how unworthy and lost I feel. I have fears holding me down and facing this huge way I still have to walk threat me. But now I can name it and I think it's the beginning of the journey to get better. Thank you so much Kalyn !

[@ambersmithy6069]

I've been subscribed to your channel for a few years now and I've never commented on a video. Just wanted to say how proud I am of you for deciding to share your journey. Your story is incredibly inspiring and much needed in this time as I make my own journey. Thank you for sharing.

[@tabithasuzuma]

This is such a reassuring video. I (and many others) were so worried about your weight loss and two or three years ago you were beginning to look seriously underweight. You were also exercising so much and for so long and often skipping breakfast that it looked like you were doing some serious damage to your body. I lost one of my closest friends to anorexia 7 years ago and the tragedy was made worse by the fact that it happened so suddenly and she wanted to live, but because she had starved and binged for so long her internal organs had begun to shut down by the time she went to the hospital to seek help. Even though she was more than willing to start eating healthily again to save her life, by this point her internal organs were so damaged by her years of starvation that they were shutting down and her body just threw up anything she tried to eat. The doctors could do nothing at this stage other than make her as comfortable as possible with morphine and watch as her organs packed in for good and she died. If she had asked for help even a few months earlier, she would have survived but because she waited until she started feeling seriously ill, the shut down had already began and the doctors could not reverse or stop the process. She fell into a coma the day after she admitted herself to hospital and died just two days later. It was incredibly fast and incredibly sudden given she was still able to go to work four days before she died. And the doctors just told her parents that anorexic and eating disordered people like my friend were dying suddenly like this all the time because they waited to the point of near collapse before seeking help. Just tragic. So I’m so glad you’ve found a way out of this at last! ♥️

[@leerosemurcia5497]

An hour long video from Kalyn are you kidding me?! Best way to start my morning :D You have no idea how much I can relate to this. It’s actually crazy hearing you explain your story , my mouth literally opened at certain parts because of how much they hit home and related to me and my experiences with disordered eating, control, working out etc. Thank you for opening up. You’re not alone ❤️

[@laurendixon5136]

That hit home so hard Kalyn but the best part is that I’m currently going through the recovery stage and it’s so nice to hear that someone else is too! Body positivity is so hard now days when we are surrounded my fitspo influencers. Hell, I used to look at you as my ideal body weight! Hearing that you were struggling too shows how much it is all in our heads and it’s about addressing our deeply engrained problems first to then bring us to changing our behaviors. You’re such role model to me Kalyn and I just wanted to thank you for opening up about something I hold so dear to me. I think a lot of girls need to hear this message 💕

[@aysls888]

I thought this video would be heavy or chilling based on the topic. But you talking about the context with looking up model diets, and aspiring to look like other women, and the binge eating-> depression-> restrictive eating and that cycle is surreal to hear from you because it is point on point the EXACT issue I have had with my body/body image since I was probably 11 (I’m 22 now). I’ve had so much realization just in the last year about my mental health and body image. I got complimented immensely last October-December on my 40-45 lb weight loss (which I lost within about 3 months) and how good I looked. Little did every person know it was because my depression had me only eating 500-700 calories a day. I was too depressed to care or even realize I was hungry. I may have lost weight, but let me tell you, that doesn’t mean i was healthy. Such an important and impactful video, thank you🖤

[@lieve2647]

Perfect work-procrastination-material. And love how you didn't throw five ad breaks in this while you easily could've.

[@OjasviSingla]

omg.. I'm crying because i can totally relate.. specially with the part where you said april was best part and you had this secret... and same.. this october month is the best month of my year, or better say life.. and I'm having the worst time with my eating habits.. i was so tired4-5 days back that i had just given up.. but i actually decided yesterday to take care of myself.. it's day 2 of my new journey and I'm trying to figure out what's good and bad.. and your video is just... no words.. I've pcos and I'm overweight and this all was just too much.. because i try too hard to lose weight but then i overeat.. but things were better in these two days.. i hope things get better .. lots of love..

[@Jdance21]

Thank you, Kalyn 💕 Thank you for your strength, vulnerability, and honesty in talking about this. I think these traits are why so many of us gravitate and relate to you. Even though you’re talking about body image & negative eating habits, the feelings behind those habits can translate into the feelings behind other unhealthy habits. I’m trying to kick unhealthy thoughts/habits myself and listening to this story (really all your stories) and your journey towards better mental and physical health has helped me stay motivated on my own journey. So just thank you for being so authentically and unapologetically you ✨ We love you!

[@erinbrookhart7686]

Kalyn, This video really hit me right to the core. I've gone through nearly identical experiences cycling through these toxic behaviors as a result of wanting to feel worthy and specifically, working in the modeling industry. The midst of starvation is just as lonely as the sickness of binging, and the guilt for both is overwhelming. The social constructs around women's bodies, diet culture, and beauty standards are nothing short of heartbreaking and need to be changed. A year ago, following a breakdown, I decided I no longer wanted these 'friends' to haunt me and my life. Though I am still battling some lingering habits from this past version of myself, I am so grateful that I woke up and told these demons 'No'. I never want any of my fellow women to go through any of these experiences, or feel they are necessary to be loved. Thank you for sharing your experience, as painful and raw as it must've been. You've been like a big sister and inspiration to me for several years now, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.

[@earthwitchnatasha]

I’ve been watching you since 2015. You just never really know what someone’s going through just by watching them online. I’m so happy you felt comfortable enough to talk to us about this. I will always support you. 🖤

[@marialauroba5772]

Watching this video was so heartbreaking and relatable... Thank you for opening up about this Kalyn. You are such a big inspiration of mine... I guess being vulnerable doesn’t mean you are weak but that you are brave and strong enough to deal with the problem itself and the judgement that comes with this kind of videos. Thank you Kalyn, from the bottom of my heart

[@newnomadic4566]

Thanks for sharing Kalyn... I actually went through a very similar story when I was growing up and it hasn't hit me until I reflected back now. And I feel since I've moved away from home and my routine... I've fallen back into bad routines with food. I know what to do to fix it but this came at the right time or a hard year! Thank you!

[@mgm_w]

So glad you shared this. I also went though a binge/restrict cycle in late high school and into college and it was so awful to just hate my body and wonder why I couldn't just control myself all the time. This year is the first time where I feel like food isn't a big focus in my life anymore and it's so freeing. I think so many more people go through this than we know so it's great that you're spreading the message that it's human and nothing to be ashamed of!

[@kathrynpugh7928]

For years I struggled with an eating disorder in college. I've told maybe 3 people about it. It was a very dark time in my life that came out of severe loneliness. Thank you for sharing this video. This inspires me to let out my own skeletons and share my past with others.

[@anamarija2598]

I feel this video so much. So relatable. Thank you!

[@queeneva3]

Me: oh Kalyn uploading 🥰❤️ Me: it’s a coffee talk let me get my cu... it’s an hour long????!!! I need a bucket. DO I HAVE THAT MUCH COFFEE?!

[@Natalie-ng5wt]

Yessss girl. I remember a detox juice video that you did once and I was a bit concerned then. I'm so glad you're talking about this stuff, I'm sure a large number of your viewers can relate as well. I'm glad you're feeling so much better and worked through your stuff. You're awesome Kalyn. Much love xx ♥️♥️♥️

[@eligrace24]

Went to watch this after hearing you mention it in this weeks video.. don’t know why I didn’t see it pop up when posted but it somehow couldn’t have come at a better time. I felt for a long time that my experiences with body shame and food restrictions weren’t bad enough, or that I never lost enough weight, etc to be valid. Like others people’s experiences were real and mine wasn’t. Thank you for sharing

[@larafiolic3544]

I am so proud of you and shocked as well. I have never thought that you are going through this. First of all, I think you are one of the most beautiful people I have seen. Physically and mentally! I am very lucky with people but I've been watching you since you got Bently and you helped me grow so much!!! I'm so happy you are on the other side now. Thank you for being so honest. Sending you lots of love 💕

[@afracrum2379]

Yes. Right before the 30:30 mark. “I’m not sick enough” is the direct translation of “I’m not good enough”. Feeling like you are sick or dying or broken inside but not worthy of help because your ribs don’t stick out far enough to count them through your shirt. I have felt this off and on for years. It’s like a competition in yourself. I’ve never heard anyone else mirror that. Thank you for this video.

[@LauraLangheinrich]

This is honestly the most authentic and real video you've ever made. Thank you so much for that. ❤️

[@bookedandpolished]

I appreciate this video and as a regular viewer I was genuinely worried you're not on the healthy side of things those past few months/years, but I can feel you're still working through this. You're still tiptoeing around the proper terms like ED or purging and it seems like those words are still too heavy for you to say out loud - even though that is exactly what you're describing for an hour. The impression I have is that you don't want to call those things by these names just because you want to believe you were not "quite there", that you didn't make it that far... As much as I am happy for you being in the process of healing, I wish you were more considerate towards younger viewers who might take away from this video, that their ED is their "secret friend" and that they have years of unhealthy habits ahead of them before things go really bad or they need to tell someone and ask for help. I was quite upset by the part where you say that you don't want to use the proper terms because there was much more to it, lots of emotional mess in the background, and therefore it wasn't just about the eating or not eating... It is never just about the food, that's why ED is a mental disorder. Having emotional / family related issues as a reason to pursue this behaviour doesn't make it something little bit different than ED - it makes it exactly that... If this aims to be not only your confession, but also a message towards others, I wish it was a bit clearer.

[@ashleya.505]

This video made so many things click for me. Thank you for sharing this!! :) And would you be able to do a makeup routine with the makeup look you have in this video? It’s so beautiful on you and is a perfect neutral Fall look.

[@hautefantasy7329]

THANK YOU!!! 🙏🏻 I’m actually in the healing chapter of my life right now... moved to LA to chance my dreams 2 years ago, now I’m back in NY with my family, grieving my losses, coping with my new diagnosis of CPTSD, and retraining my patterns to not seek out toxicity for self-sabotage. Love you and have been following you for SO LONG, you’ve helped me get through some rough times and always thought “Kalyn has her shit together, I can’t wait to be on her level”..... it really touches me to hear that yes, we really are just human, and we are all in this together 💜💜💜

[@marwaa_i]

I don’t usually comment, and I’ve been watching your videos for as Long as I can remember. But wow. This is the most relatable video, and it’s such a big epiphany to hear your side of the story and see it resonate with me. Most importantly I remember so vividly watching your videos back then and thinking “damn she has it all figured out” and “she has the perfect life and body” but you really never know what’s going on with someone mentally or “behind the scenes” so to speak . I cannot thank you enough for being so bold and brave and talking about your experience. I’ve always been so afraid to confront myself let alone anyone, so thank you. 💕😭

[@xmartamarques]

Thank you for putting out this video. I am sure it wasn't easy. But it's really appreciated Kalyn!

[@anniem4000]

This really is the most honest video that I have seen on this subject and I really am so grateful. You described many of the complexities I have never been able to articulate simply and beautifully. Thank you!

[@summerhibbard5989]

For months I have been feeling like something is wrong. I didn't want to say I had an eating disorder cause it wasnt quite right. This video explained literally everything and put words to my confusion. Thank you Kalym for being an "older sister" figure to me even though you're only like a year older than me XD

[@taylordavidsen4610]

I did have a strong mom that raised me but she wasn’t very “motherly” in this sense either. I went through this EXTREMELY in high school. It’s actually when I got on my own and figured myself out that everyone has shaming issues and I started feeling more confident in my own skin ♥️

[@splatterypaint]

i hope this video reaches anyone and everyone that needs to hear it. i needed this more than i could ever think i did and it did so much for me. thank you so much for this. 💕

[@whitneyhenry5755]

Thank you for being so open and real. I think a lot of us went through or are still healing through what you went through ❤️

[@caitlinmortlock7252]

Does anyone else feel that this video and the one from KZbinr (last year I think) “I lost my magic” make you feel like your being cuddled in a warm, cosy, blanket of comfort, safety, and warmth? You’ve always been an inspiration to me Kalyn and being honest I’m not going through the greatest time of my life so videos like this are bliss 💞

[@BrookeTheOutcast]

Your choice of words reveal how intelligent you are and that you read a lot of books;)

[@aseelbysketchbook]

I am so proud of you Kalyn. Thank you for sharing. I needed to hear another person’s experience unfiltered. Everything you said just clicked.

[@littledoe1617]

I struggled with not eating sufficiently throughout the day and binge at night my hole life. It’s not only because of lazyness but as a young women with ADHD I either forgot to eat or lose track of time or forgot to make my lunch. Even in college it’s hard to try to change my habit. Warning Could be triggering: I also coped with this issue in a very unhealthy way as well. Being raised in a French Canadians family, weight is so important! I mean Québec was declared the thinnest population of Canada (link at the end as proof). The cultural pressures and the lack of knowledge I had caused me to have an eating disorder. I haven’t realized or admitted this until I was 22. I ate little calories - mostly carbs.. and ran 1hour straight none stop (I play soccer and have stupid good cardio). What did this do to my body? I did lose the weight but it Ruined my metabolism. As soon as I stopped running everyday, it caused me to gain weight. A LOT of weight. Nearly 40 pounds in one year. Guess what? I still ran 3 - 2 a week and gained that weight. Because, my body was in starvation. I then realized, I needed to love myself at my biggest and understand what Is a healthy relationship with food. It is to enjoy and fuel me of the whole nutrition I need. Not a dietary plan. Since, learning this exercise is important but, eating yummy (why suffer if your food tastes bad) healthy food is more important. Moderation is key. As tonight is Halloween I will have some candy and chips, but first listen to my body for triggers to stop. As I’ve mentioned ADHD can make you not eat for hours on end or you could eat even when you’re full. I’m not a doctor, but my doctor suggested me to schedule in time for each meal and snacks. During each meal time you ensure you’re not distracted by your phone/TV and should at least eat half of your meal (breakfast is hard for me) then asses (mini meditation) whether your still hungry and how much hungry to help your you notice if you’re full or hungry. During snacks times, if you’re hungry have your snack, if not keep on with your day. It helped me learn how to eat again.. and focus on the inner body messages (not thoughts but belly grumbles, heartburns...) my body was telling me. Like I said I’m not a doctor but if you have this issue I really suggest you go seek you healthcare professional who helps you manage your ADHD (for those you have ADHD). PS if you at uni or college go to your healthcare team from your school and they usually have a ADHD specialist or can refer you to one for the school year.

[@nikacmager]

this made me smile. made me tear up. made me think about life and the choices I make in life. The choice to hate the body I live in and put it into enormous stress by overexercising and limiting foods to minimum. I've struggled with this for so so long without talking about it or anyone knowing about it because it all seems so healthy and normal in our society. Girls keep telling me they wished they looked like me, had my kind of discipline while I wish to look like another girl and have another girls discipline. It is such a terrible cycle and I'm happy to hear that you too are healing. You have such a beautiful energy Kalyn. I am so thankful that you made this video and said the words I needed to hear and what I was too scared to talk about. Truly sending so much love and gratitude to your soul.

[@ashleyrichter2613]

Thank you so much for putting this video out and talking about this topic and your experience. I personally have gone through this and I know there’s so many other people who have but can’t talk to anyone about it. This helped me feel so much more confident and is continuing to help close this chapter ❤️

[@womaninread4158]

This video really meant a lot Kalyn. I also struggle with similar disordered eating patterns. Both of our struggles are so similar. I barely ate at school when I was younger and that has continued into my adulthood. I struggle with feeding myself at regular, consistent intervals still, but I am trying to get better at it. I’ve been in therapy for a while and I’ve had to confront my relationship with myself. It’s hard to want to feed yourself appropriately when you don’t value yourself. I also have a strained relationship with my mom like you do and that definitely contributes to my bad relationship with myself. Thank you for putting this video out. It’s hard to be this vulnerable and open yourself up to the internet with something this hard. 🖤🖤🖤🖤

[@katiehallie]

This video is so so sooo necessary! I've been a subscriber of yours for years and this is my favorite video you have ever shared! Thank you so much for opening up and talking about this!

[@melodyharris9000]

Until I listened to your video, I had no idea how badly I was harming my body by pushing away eating periods or even sleeping periods to get my school work done and to participate in extra curricular activities. I had always been tired and exhausted, but I didn’t know why. Thank for helping me realize how poorly I have been treating myself 🖤

[@mellowaves_]

I got to the QUOTE at the beginning and already wanted to cry omg Kalyn.

[@zuneperry22]

Thank you so much for sharing this, I cried while watching this. I've always been inspired by your videos and thought you had the most beautiful lifestyle and I always thought wow you're so perfect, when you shared your story I realized how real and honest you are. I can relate so much to this vid ... I've always struggled with body shaming too, after my break up I worked out twice a day and didn't eat that much, I was under 100ibs, miserable and hungry. Thank you for inspiring me to do better

[@LittleDarkGhost]

Thank you so much for sharing this. I waited with watching because I wasnt ready. This hits home in so many levels, and I truly want to thank you for being so open and honest and sharing your story

[@thebeautyinbalance]

Omg I loved the Victoria's secret fashion shows but they were so damaging to my body image in high school!! I am always so impressed at your self reflection, especially in this world of endless distractions. Thank you for being so open with us, it is so helpful and relatable ❤️

[@lucyegal256]

I’ve followed your journey for so long, and to me you have found yourself. I need to find me and I feel like listening to you knowing that you’ve had the same problems has made me feel less alone and has truly motivated me to become better. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and supportive ideas. You are so beautiful inside and out you are so important to so many people myself included. Can’t wait to see your next update. P.s. would love to see a full yoga series as I throughly enjoy watching it. Love always Lou xxxxxxxx

[@margaretcochran1626]

I am only 12 minutes in and I can relate so much! Its truly awful that this is something so many of us struggle with. I still struggle with it at 24 so thank you for speaking about this and making this video!

[@juleeg6]

Wow, this is so amazing that you opened up like you just did. I know for me it gives me so much power speaking things out with someone and it gives me so much motivation knowing like hey this is a season that I will eventually figure out as I have with other things so like keep doing you and dissecting and being self-aware daily and you'll pull through it, babe. We are always on the journey to knowing and loving ourself more every day Kayln so please never stop being the determined badass mama you are babe

[@wildworld369]

I'm so proud of you for going through this and finding the strength to share it all with your audience. This helps more than you know! We love you!

[@Grace-km1gd]

You are a goddess for sharing this personal information with everyone❤️ For the longest time I idolized the way you looked and how I wished somehow I could someday be as skinny as you but now this feels eye opening because even though you came off as perfect and healthy, you aren’t perfect just like the rest of us and wow I feel a need now more than ever to be sure I’m eating healthy and exercising healthily rather than focusing on external rewards. Love you and thank you so much this is so incredibly helpful💕

[@darja5218]

Thank you so so much for sharing this

[@fenella3071]

Thank you so much creating this video! I can relate to this so much

[@alyssarobert354]

Wow! Thank you for that! I'm currently dealing with healing all of those things right now and this video has help me. Thank you for being real and honest! I really love what you do!

[@janepavlova6651]

I love this video!! thank you so much for sharing! also, can I please have lipstick details!! so pretty :)

[@Lau3464l]

Thank you so much for posting this video. I have spent the past year envying you, wishing I could just naturally want to do all the exercise you were doing because it was part of your life and passions, whereas I was trying desperately to lose weight and look like you and wishing I could have your lifestyle, if that made sense. Like I was trying desperately to lose weight and wished doing all this exercise was just part of my passions and hobbies like it was with you... and now that you've opened this up, I think it's finally time I get help. Thank you for helping me see that I need help and that I can let go. Thank you.

[@crispycarly7068]

It's so crazy to hear you talking about this now because I've been watching your videos for a while now & I've always felt so close to you. Obviously not in a personal kind of way but in a way that I see myself in you a lot. This is just another huge thing I can relate to & it actually comes at a perfect time since I've relapsed quite a bit in the past few weeks & it's videos like this that hit close to home. Thank you for being so open & honest! I really appreciate it. Also want to say that your videos are amazing.

[@inuu9985]

you are a very wise woman. To have this amount of self reflection at this age is something many people never reach.

[@fernandayitani5144]

This is exactly what I needed. No words can explain how I feel after listening to this. Thank you for giving me such an amazing perspective! I love you

[@MA-dz2nx]

Wow! Thank you! I had no idea.. this is so much needed. I feel the same. And you made me believe i can love myself. Thank you❤