Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) Misconceptions

[@angus3734]

"We are most comfortable and regulated when we get to do the things we want to do in the order that we like to do them" - this is SO relatable.

[@llars1559]

...so you're normal?

[@nancycronin551]

OMG! I know! When my bosses let me work on whatever I wanted to and I could work on what I felt like on working on, I was far more efficient and got it done faster. When they told me the Big Boss needed something done so it was the priority, I could drop everything and work on it and get it done. When I got a boss whose tone was expectant and demanding, I STRUGGLED. It was like being in a fog. But I couldn't recognize I was even in a fog, or sluggish, or struggling, or that my brain was simply shutting down. It was AWFUL. Especially when learning a new job without training! A job I did not enjoy! And I got written up! I was diagnosed nearly two years after leaving that job, but I am so glad to learn about PDA. At lease I understand it now.

[@norwardradtke1361]

Wow so being so insanely selfish you put yourself at odds with everyone around you. Talk about pathological

[@npats550]

​@@norwardradtke1361did you watch the video at all?

[@sunflower6434]

@@nancycronin551, This resonated with me, when I worked a Receptionist, and I was left to do it on my own accordance, and just get the job done, I did an excellent job, but when I tried doing a customer service job, I hated it, with a passion, do it this way, that way, say this rather than that, don’t spend to much time on this or that, your KPI’s are down …. Arhhhh 😠 😤 it was so infuriating…. I just wanted to scream, “just let me do my job”

[@foreversweaterweather]

For me something that helps is if someone asks me to do something I say no, then do it anyway. Saying no makes me feel like I've taken back control of the situation, if I said no I don't have to do it, but then I do it because I didn't really mind doing it. Also I always thought I was like this because I was messed up from being forced into things so much and never having control over my body, I am shocked that this is something that has a name and that other people experience!!!!

[@ladysparkymartin]

Me too. I say no more often in the later years, especially to my many older siblings as we deal with our aging parents and I’m the boots on the ground. It takes you aback at first but the more you say no, I know best believe it or not, the better it feels. But you’re right, I still consider what they strongly suggest and implement it sometimes anyway. And sometimes I chuck the request out the window 😅🤷‍♀️

[@JustJC5]

I never realized this until just now, but yeah I do this exact thing. I say “no” jokingly as a subconscious way of feeling like I’m gaining control back, even though I’m not. One thing I noticed is that it mostly only works for demands that I simply don’t mind doing, instead of demands I have literally planned to do the whole time, just trying to transition into doing it, but someone comes up to me telling me to do the exact thing; that’s the case where “no” doesn’t work for me.

[@rynaa-nj2vn]

I do this😅

[@batintheattic7293]

It might also work as a preliminary limit on others' expectations. If you say 'no' to a command - the 'commander' will be dismayed but then that makes them feel so much happier when you do what they want, anyway - probably much more than they would have been if you'd just complied from the get-go. I think, though, what you now seem to believe erroneous (about suspecting that you are resistant, now, because of a history of compliance being destructive to you) is actually right (at least in part). So many unconscious parts of who you are, and are in control of trying to keep the organism (you) alive, have learned what happens when you do what you're told to do. It would, probably, be foolhardy to try to deprogram them. It can go haywire, though. It goes seriously counter-productive when we start PDAing our own directives. It's like logic and instinct declare war on each other.

[@keirapendragon5486]

😂Sounds like my child - "Yes'nt" is often their response. Or other variations of combining yes and no while going and doing the thing.

[@laura.bseyoga]

I've struggled with this all my life - I was called "contrary", "stubborn", "lazy" & "difficult" by my parents & I almost believed them. I've worked out that if I have several tasks to do (eg vacuuming, washing & gardening) I'll feel really avoidant of at least one of them, so I do something else instead - that way a task still gets done, even if it's not the one I was originally thinking of doing. My thought process is something like "what can I do instead of the demand?" I've also become extremely skilled at subtly subverting rules so they feel less demanding - like at a job where jewellery was not allowed, I wore a toe ring that no one but me knew about 🤣

[@cairosilver2932]

Not sure if that's the same thing - there's a number of not terribly healthy parents that will hand out negative statements like those on a child who is pretty average in terms of child behavior.

[@laura.bseyoga]

@@cairosilver2932 I didn't mention my childhood behaviour, nor how average or otherwise my childhood behaviour was! Which part of my comment did you think was erroneous?

[@cairosilver2932]

@@laura.bseyoga I didn't mention an error just as much.

[@laura.bseyoga]

@@cairosilver2932 ? Just as much what? I don't understand

[@loreidcomics4545]

Contrary is what I was called. Really lazy way to silence us when you think about it.

[@Jennifer-sw6ge]

Almost every time I watch one of your videos you take away a fragment of the excuses I have to despise myself. I hope you understand how powerful your videos are in learning to identify and make peace with the traits that I struggle with and in learning ways to manage and cope with them. The sense fellowship I gain from you and your knowledge is priceless. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Be well. ❤

[@EyesOfByes]

There is ONE major odd advantage with this behaviour: I have the energy to reject all browser cookies individually.. "F*** you Website, you're not gonna f-ing track me. Dont you dare tell me you want my data"

[@argh1989]

Oh my god, fuck browser cookie settings! I do this as well, but saying I have the energy to do it would be a stretch. Having to manually uncheck every niche "legitimate interest" option of every one of dozens of advertising companies on basically every website pretty much every month or so... is low-key burning me out.

[@ihartevil]

This isnt behavior its called children refusing to get ODD meds shoved down their throats Its either do nothing because they dont understand the work Or ask 1 questiom then ODD meds the book answers arent allowed to be wrong ypu called out the 9 so now you go on ODD meds even though everybody knows that answers been wrong since I went to high school I think that class became a middle school class now

[@RaisingMyWildflowers]

😂💯🤣

[@Lady8D]

😂 Same!

[@ihartevil]

@@Lady8D its called being a person with common sense and critical thinking skills Like the velcro octopus taught us that the government now hides from us

[@missmeesh]

I clicked on this not knowing a thing and I cannot believe that there is an actual term for one of the biggest issues I’ve ever dealt with. I’m mind blown

[@bernard832]

I'm autistic and didn't think I had PDA when I first learned about it because being told what to do doesn't bother me in certain contexts, like at work. But Morgan's TikTok was a really good illustration of it. If someone tells me to do something that I'm already doing, it always triggers my fight response.

[@sharonthompson672]

Yessss! 👍

[@jonathanp___________3606]

Same (have ASD, and began to relate to PDA pretty slowly at first), though sometimes I can ignore it when people ask me to do something I'm already doing. What really gets me is when they ask me to stop what I'm doing to do something else, and then cancel that and ask me to do what I was originally doing. I usually end up dong a third thing (e.g. KZbin ;) ).

[@catserver8577]

I've never heard something described that explains how my mind and emotions feel every single day. I've tried to explain this very process my brain goes through to many therapists, and it never seemed to make any sense to them. This is exactly how I feel much of the time. The only part that I feel differently is that in that first scenario, if I was doing something and someone asked me to do it while I was actually doing it or if I had already done it, I get extremely panicked because I DID THE THING. Didn't you see me doing the thing? Don't you see the thing is done? Then I start thinking did I do the thing? If no one is going to see if I do the thing, why am I doing it? And on and on. And I freeze and am unable to do more things.

[@sharonthompson672]

I get insanely angry. Especially since it's my daily routine! Do they not see me doing the same thing, day in, day out? Well, no actually, they don't. I'm the invisible person they feel they can treat like chattel. Yeah, that's where MY brain goes. Meltdown overload 😬🤦

[@rebeccaburnell9319]

When I learned about PDA (from Meg at the "I'm Autistic, Now What" KZbin channel) my universe snapped into focus (because I could all of a sudden see that this was the piece that had been missing for autism making sense as an explanation of my life, when SO MANY OTHER THINGS made so much sense as autism). And then when Meg went through the "here are some things people with PDA find can help" part, I laughed laughed and cried and cried, because every single thing she listed (except the roleplay idea, which was new to me) was one of the workarounds it had taken me 50 years of picking up the pieces of myself after burnouts to develop for myself. And I have an extremely exciteable/high strung/anxious 2yr old Australian Shepherd cross dog who's taken over every spoon I have, trying to train/manage her every day the last 24 months, and now when I'm floundering I think "What would Susan Garrett [the world champion dog agility trainer] do in this situation?" and it helps me deal with the constant stress of helping my doggo work through her issues, instead of melting down and shutting down as easily as had been happening. I take on Susan's decision-making/situation-assessing process and it gets me through. (Just to be 100% clear, the PDA realization moment I had is about WAY MORE than my dog; I'm just mentioning the dog situation as an issue that interacts with my PDA autism in sometimes-catastrophic ways, that I'm able to approach in a more helpful way now that I'm trying the roleplaying thing).

[@MsCatCart]

Tricks like reverse psychology don't work for me because they feel patronizing. I'm ALL about that fantasy character deal though. That's my favourite coping tool.❤

[@yennycc4174]

I dont think that will work for my daughter either. Any other tips that help you?

[@MsCatCart]

@yennycc4174 make everything a quest! Fairy tale, super hero, whatever she's into.

[@SongbirdGaming]

Yes, this! I can sometimes use a kind of reverse psychology on myself, but from others it feels patronizing, I can see right through them, they never fool me into thinking they don't want me to do the thing.

[@kelleyreimer2231]

Yeah. I tried the reverse psychology on my son when he was 5. He said "reverse psychology is not going to work on me" 😂

[@nancycronin551]

Or, I take it literally.

[@user-kw5ze5ky5q]

Pretty sure I have PDA. My ex gf who has been diagnosed with ASD insisted that I’m autistic also. I was set up for an evaluation until I discovered I was very affected by getting bullied and ridiculed by my older brother, and having it dismissed by the adults. So childhood trauma, social anxiety and all the other ways I’m affected is what I’m dealing with now, I didn’t even know I had any for 35 years. Whether I have ASD or not, I can relate to so much, it’s nice to find a community that understands how my mind works. And just the frustration with even the seemingly understanding, open minded family members like my mother say “I don’t think you’re autistic, you’re Ok” and console me. No matter how much I explain it, people still think it’s like a sickness or a disability or it means there’s something wrong with me. Your videos have helped with quite a bit during this journey. Thank you Kati ❤

[@lianevoelker9845]

Often parents don't see it because they are neurodiverse themselves. If you are like them, how should they know that you are different?

[@MishaSkripach]

Yes, it is a psychiatric condition , a disorder, so one diagnose become the subject to Autism act (the legislative act that allows improsonment into a clinic without a vourt order at a request of a social worker clinician) , so it is a rather unfortunate condition.

[@elrodkatie]

Please know PDA Autism presents very differently than typical autism. Not all diagnostic providers know about PDA - so it would be best screening providers for their PDA knowledge. PDA is very genetic- so consider the abuse you experienced from your sibling could have been becasue they are PDA and did not receive support in managing their disorder. Also, there is internal and external presentation of PDA. So siblings can present differently.

[@Authentistic-ism]

Thank you for making ASD affirming content. This means so much coming from a mainstream channel

[@Lady8D]

As someone with autism, PDA, ADHD & a myriad of other things, may I just say: 1) I love your videos, thank you! And 2) some of the ideas mentioned between 13:45 and 14:15 ish could easily backfire with someone like me - mainly because: • Perhaps I wouldn't pick up on what you're trying to do (ie "Do not help me with the groceries" - I typically take things literally and fail to pick up subtle hints, etc so this would likely result in me thinking "Oh ok, she wants to do it alone") • Sometimes a challenge feels like a demand with tighter deadlines (ie "I bet you can't fold your laundry before the episode ends" could feel to me like "You need to do this as fast as possible, c'mon hurry the hell up!" even when I know my partner is just trying to help me get over the hurdles my brain lays down) A couple of the things my partner has done in the past that _REALLY_ helped me _A LOT_ when things were at there worst PDA-wise (meaning I'd shut down, couldn't get myself to move or respond, etc) was to very slowly, kindly and lovingly do it for & then with me. For instance one of the times we were trying to go dancing & after some sensory overload etc I couldn't get up, let alone dressed so she came over and gently took my hand, when I didn't pull away or react negatively she started to slowly pull me up and in for a gentle hug, then undressed me and helped me dress/get ready checking in every step of the way to nonverbally gauge my response and stress level/make certain she was helping and not making it worse. As she did this it slowly enabled me to start controlling my body again & by the end I was finishing on my own. Another method she has found useful is when my brian keeps putting up barriers to getting in the shower (for instance) rather than asking/telling me it was time to shower she found a moment when I was up & able to be touched, she hugged me and started dancing/being playful with me while guiding me toward the shower & then starting it, etc for me - we'd discussed me needing to shower & struggling to do so previously so rather than verbally urging me she helped me trick my body and brain into doing it before it had much chance to object. Again, checking in every step of the way to gauge my reactions and stress levels - which she is phenomenal at doing! I'm _extremely_ lucky to have her in my life!

[@mandyschwartzberg3849]

Yes, You are extremely lucky to have her!! I'm jealous 💔❤️... All those ways You mentioned seem to be ways that would work for me too... As I was reading what You wrote, my internal judgmental voice was saying.. But why would anyone want to do all that to put up with You (I'm talking about myself, not You)??? Then I was thinking about all the beautiful ways in which I do contribute to people's lives... and that this is my whole package, and even though I wish I wasn't like this, that normal every day adult stuff are so difficult for me that someone would need to do all this to help me, I shouldn't negate myself as a human being deserving of that love & help... And then I thought about my reaction to what You wrote, as You being so lucky to have someone like her, and although I agree and she seems to be really special, I'm sure she's really lucky to have You too, I'm sure You bring a lot to her life as well, and I'm sure she sees the specialness in You... ❤❤ (I hope You took everything I wrote in a positive way, this was my internal judgmental voice talking to myself about myself, I hope You understand... 🙏❤️)

[@Lady8D]

@@mandyschwartzberg3849 I totally get what you mean, appreciate the clarity & agree wholeheartedly! We definitely have a give and take relationship, we try to support each other in whatever ways we're able whenever we're able. Been together nearly half our lives now (we met at 21, we both turn 42 this year ❤️) We had to work with each other's faults and allow for growth and change throughout the years of course. The first 8yrs were a rollercoaster but we were able to work our issues out & have been going strong ever since. The main thing we do in life is laugh! Even on some of my really bad pain days we are usually able to find ways to laugh & make the best of things This sounds like bragging but it's not intended that way, more so just me sharing what's worked for us and hoping it will help others somehow. Tho I'm typing this with the remnants of a migraine so I apologize if I'm not making much sense. You're absolutely worthy of the love and compassion we have for each other! 🫂

[@Lady8D]

@@mandyschwartzberg3849 Strange, YT seems to have deleted my response to your comment - tho I honestly can't imagine why it could have even come close to warranting removal 🤷‍♀️ I agree with your comment 100% - both about yourself and myself. My wife often reminds me that she's lucky to have me too and that I care for her emotional and psychological needs just as much as she does so with my physical disabilities, etc. She and I got very lucky in finding each other and managing to work through the early struggles that inevitably pop up in the first 6-8yrs of a relationship (or so patterns would suggest, seems like most people I know that are in successful, long term relationships say the same about the 1st 6-8yrs. Which makes sense I suppose, those are the years in which you get to know each other past the superficial layers, etc)

[@yanamarte4542]

Well, you see, things work differently to different people, as I read your strategy I was feeling my back's whiskers stand on end. My reaction to someone guiding me physically to do something can be strong and violent. Not only I would not do it, but I would not want that person to ever try again such a thing. But that's me. Bless, Yana x

[@Mytommyj22]

That's because reverse psychology is just manipulation. We have to find ways to lift us with PDA out with honesty and truth. Maybe you aaare doing the most. I do with my hubby, lifelong PDA. I've just learned about this. Now I see why i stress him out with surprise needs. He does feel like he has no say. He knows I'm going to ask since I'm breathing. I'm a frantic ASD and I want him to be productive. I now understand and will be working on changing that. This is all challenging but I want him to feel safe at home too. 2024 is a hell of a year. 😢😢😅😅😊

[@KazanaAoi]

I don't know how much this affects my life overall, or what coping methods I've unknowingly adopted to deal with it... But I 100% identify STRONGLY with that instantaneous "Nope." feeling/sensation when someone tells me to do something I was about to do/on my way to doing/in the middle of doing. It's overwhelming and unmanagable and it caused me so many problems growing up. Even now, I sometimes am on my way to do the dishes and my mother will go "hey the dishes need to be done if you have a moment" and every iota of interest and drive I had to do that task (which I often have spent hours or even days working myself up to doing) just goes out the window instantly. It's so frustrating because my mother absolutely takes it as defiance and laziness.

[@dabbler1166]

so....next time yer already doing the dishes and someone tells you to do them....just continue, stay mellow and say: "I Am" (shrug). If it makes you feel better, shame on THEM for apparently being the dunb-ass who didn't notice before they opened their mouth. Problem solved.

[@ihartevil]

Thats called normal life and I dealt with that from my mom now with the 18 hours of homework no idea how a child gets any chores done My mom called me a waste of space after I yelled at her about not being the oldest but with my older sister she never made her take out the trash My younger brother took it out Tell her to get all of your 18 hours of homework done then and then see who the lazy one ends up being and remind her constantly its 18 hours of illegal homework in a good amount of cases

[@celestehernandez2000]

I experience this so much in my life. My parents do this to me all the time. They act blind and ask me to do something I’m IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING RIGHT IN THEIR FACE. It’s like they enjoy telling me what to do even when I do it on my own without anyone asking.

[@ihartevil]

@celestehernandez2000 my sister always ended up doing her own laundry most of the time So she tended to leave her clothes in the dryer for once after she finished something she actually went to get her clothes My mom said dont forget you need to get your clothes Ny sisters response what are you blind I an doing that right now My mom as a joke said apparently

[@tiegrsidesignsandstudio4794]

I feel like a big part of pda, at least for me, is that I am also a people pleaser, so when someone asks me to do something, whether it's something I want to do or not, I feel a strong compulsion to do the thing at the exact same time I feel like my autonomy is being taken away.

[@kgerrish24]

Hi Kati, I have ASD with PDA and want to say this is very accurate and it resonates with my lived experiences. PDA is a constant struggle, especially with convincing myself to not do the thing I want to do so I can do it. I really need to be in a relaxed and secure mindset, and I've been on a journey for a while now to be my true self, and this has helped with it very much. I think this is the case because I am more confident about my thoughts. Thanks for posting great content, and have a great week! :)

[@ihartevil]

So overworking children amd giving 2 year olds homework assignments and them wanting to be children instead of doing illegal homework now constitutes as a mental illness I hate america

[@ihartevil]

The reason for the bad grades with homework a child trying to get it done and asks questions ends up on ODD meds What this tells me either children who protest going on ODD meds and never get their homework done now gets called these letters Anybody who tries to get their homework done and ask questions ODD so the child just doomed now to get meds shoved down their throats I am surprised these children havent started some kind of a crack cocain protest and be like you want us on drugs mine as well be this sheet (the reason I go with that powder sugar looks like it so they dont need the real stuff) Also Adderall pretty much crack thanks to emptysawesome I learn that (he got told hes ADD/ADHD because everybody fits that)

[@ihartevil]

Then that mean you forget that asking 1 question gets ODD meds shoved down your throat that started around 2008ish 2010 prevalent (1 teacher wanted me on ODD meds in 2007 bevause I went to my math teacher to tell her off for me since she ignored every word I said)

[@kgerrish24]

Hi @@ihartevil, thank you for sharing. It sounds like you've been through some challenging experiences, and I appreciate you opening up about them. I personally haven't been prescribed ODD meds. My psychiatrist has been supportive in allowing me to be in acceptance with what I take (I am 45 so maybe that's a part of it), and I currently take Vyvanse for my ADHD and a couple blood pressure meds I've been on for most of my life. I did take Lexapro, then Cymbalta then switched to Prozac but I had the same complaint with all of them and that is they dumbed and slowed me dow

[@ihartevil]

@kgerrish24 you mean an allergy medication proven to do nothing for most people sometimes flares up allergies Lexipro yikes that thing has lawsuits up the wazoo I went on 0 meds besides some that happened due to my mom being stoopid but I usually threw them out or didnt take them The few times I took them went crying to TYT over it once my dad tipped over the pills I completely stopped and once my mom got back from her trip she stopped caring Now I just reaeech all the lawsuits and go over all the fake stuff that put people on meds and know all the real meds left america about when aca went full blast Now the hospitals hep 0 peoples and I watched a baby get :( because heykayli didnt follow her mother instincts

[@donloughrey1615]

My autistic son experiences this. It is quite disabling at times. School has been a difficult journey but he managed to get through it with great support until now in his senior year. He tests at A+ but his grades border on failing. Administrators and teachers need to be made more aware of this and learn that this is not a discipline problem but a disorder. Most of his teachers where amazing but every once in a while not so. Thanks Kati

[@ihartevil]

Its called over working every single child with illegal homework so this applies to every child because they arent allowed to leave the house until their homework gets done so what the hey heck are they supposed to do A 60 page autobiography absolutely illegal the longest an autobiography allowed to be 10 pages Somebody tried to publish their plagiarized school assignment because face it thats what it ends up being and the publisher also called it out as that So the school system never tried to sue the government over this and now we got a bunch of illegal homework impossible to finish

[@ihartevil]

Its not a disorder its the children wanting to be children and actually play outside

[@Unbrokenbreath]

Same here. School is literally making it worse. So sad that our schools are so ill equipped to deal with this profile.

[@ihartevil]

@Unbrokenbreath no its not illequiped the government forces this stuff Thats why 2 year olds get homework now and none of the schools sue the government The funding for schools how drugged up they get children the more drugged up on ODD meds the more funding Also test scores and why the teachers give out those answers the way they used to give out penny candy (Shays vlog about how he used to get penny candy from the teacher)

[@MishaSkripach]

it is a discipline problem, and when it is severe enough, it is called a disorder. Have you tried proper discipline for him? Like, if he has not done anything demanded of him, he gets a piece of stale bread and nothing else for dinner (stale bread is still food!) and has to spend his evening in the utility room? I can bet you never tried this.

[@ZAB_Nailz]

I have some episode suggestions if you haven’t made them before; I love these in depth videos about things (especially neurodivergent ones) that not a lot of people have heard about: Sensory Processing Disorder Executive Functioning ADHD Paralysis Decision Fatigue Acute Stress Disorder ASD Meltdowns Overstimulation Or any other common neurodivergent disorder and/or symptom.

[@monicaflynn6469]

Flight, fright, freeze OR FAWN - I am very glad I learned about the fawning response.

[@nancycronin551]

I once worked in a unit of 1 manager and 3 staff. We found ourselves in a difficult "situation." The manager promoted and left. My friend pushed back, articulately and intelligently. The other staff person gave dripping praise. I froze. It took me months to understand what was happening - and now I know some of it was PDA! - and it was really interesting to see all 4 at the same time.

[@EyesOfByes]

Yep. Definetely true. Fits me like a glove. This will help me explaining to my parents why I at the age of forty almost kind of behave like a baby when given a kind advice. Dad's a doctor, so he does listen to scientific explanations.

[@DailyDose926]

Im autistic. I struggle with executive functioning (EF) and neurological disregulation. PDA helps clarify what I experience on a daily basis. My ADHD is the Mr Hyde to my Autistic struggles. My autism tells me to take action in order to gain control but my ADHD tells me all the reasons why I shouldn't. It's such an internal struggle

[@calliope6623]

This explains a lot. I was diagnosed with autism at 12, but I was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder when I was little. I do think there is another important component to this PDA thing: When it comes to children, the way adults react can amplify it, and cause it to become a vicious cycle. A lot of adults have the tendency to project heavily onto children, and to take children's behavior very personally. I have noticed that when other adults are being difficult, people are more likely to see it as a reflection of that person, or what they are going through. But if a child shows even a little bit of defiance, many adults will get incredibly triggered by that child, and start treating them more harshly and more condescendingly from that point onward. Then, the child feels alienated, misunderstood, and controlled, and they have all that much less reason to make an effort to be cooperative. I don't struggle with PDA nearly as much now as I did as a child, and a big part of this is that I am adult now, and most people are choosing to communicate with me in an adult-to-adult fashion. When I do encounter someone who has a punitive demeanor, my past sense of self comes flooding back, and it is much more difficult to regulate my reactions.

[@strangertobluewater]

What you described is actually what can initiate sociopathy in ODD and conduct disordered patients. They behave outside of the norm, are punished and then start fulfilling the expectation of defiance which comes to define them. You made a really great observation.

[@dominiqueveret91]

76 years old and,thanks to your video and the comments,i'm suddenly striken by the réalisation that my behaviour,often borderline,can be explained,understood,that i'm not a monster as i see myself. That the despération and the anger have somehow a reason,that i'm not alone to react and refuse to act or decide with so much violence. I've seen few psychiatrists ,i still see one.Never heard the name of those symptoms before i found you. I feel it's kind of late to put a name on my behaviour,but now that i know,i can try to find a way to work on it,for my own sake and those who love me .... Thank you from France.

[@yanamarte4542]

Voila. I have a good safeconduct, I just say to everyone before hand that I have a temperament and that I have a bad temper. People, be advised! And it's obviously not my fault. So I don't feel guilty. It just 'is'. We all have faults, mmmm 😃🤩🤗

[@MishaSkripach]

It won't explain anything. A name for someothing never explains this something, avoid circular thinking. A cough named "caugh disorder" does not explain the cause of cough at all, just names the type of problem.

[@Venusandjupiteinunion6434]

It's never too late you know, I just wanted to say that I support you too. I always even rejected communities for ASD due to shame. I have BPD too isn't that wonderful and anxiety. Life is not fun when you go through your life like this. But what I'm learning is that I just make my rules that work for me. I try to get along with people, but they sometimes I have meltdowns, and then what the heck do you do? I'm never violent when I have my autistic meltdowns. I have what they used to call Asperger's.. and I've been banned from stores because they think I'm violent. I'm not violent, but I do raise my voice, and when I get completely overwhelmed I don't know what to do. I guess neither does anybody else around me. But I have a wonderful person in my life and he's trying very hard to help me, I don't know what I'd do without him. Make your own rules, set your own guidelines, try to be flexible, and continue trying to explain I'm not crazy I just have Asperger's. The struggle is real isn't it.

[@Kageoni187]

Omg, I absolutely feel this. It always happened when I would clean my room. I would be actively cleaning my room and anytime my parents interrupted me and would comment about it and they never understood why I got so frustrated because they ended my ability to continue. It also explains certain social anxiety responses. I get so frustrated when I have started creating a new routine because if it is interrupted I lose all the progress I have made.

[@Goaddichnixan]

I was an undiagnosed ADHD child and when I was in school I prepared myself for fifth grade by doing math homework before it was given out, so that I could choose myself how much work I would do on any given day and was not bound to a deadline. My mother found out about this and was pleasantly suprised and told me to keep doing it. So I could not do it anymore. I was so angry that she took my idea and made it hers. It now felt like i would do it because my mom said so not because I am interested in maths and want to be good at it. As if I am following orders. So all the motivation I had was gone.

[@JacksTestimony]

A lot of people think we need to change, but mostly it's others who need to change to accommodate our needs. I defy your rules because you gave them to me in an authoritarian way and not in a way that makes me feel equal as a human being.

[@Varulfen95]

PDA affects my life a lot. And it sucks. Like, keeping my body alive and healthy is already hard. Every little task is a fight against my brain, eating, sleeping, exercising, everything. But to me worst of all is my desire to be financially independent clashing with the inability to get and keep a job. It's like the PDA fights itself. I have that desperate drive for autonomy, but to achieve that I need a job, which means selling my time and energy to a company which then triggers my PDA, because there is someone else in controll and a demand put on myself to be at work at certain times and to do whatever they tell me to do.. and then the flight response sets in, which really feels like "I need to get out of this situation or else I'm going to die". And then I either quit or get into trouble and get fired, because I can't keep up with the demands. And then the cycle starts again... I've been trying for years to start my own business, so I can stay in controll of my time, but the legal stuff and responsibilities that come with it are already too much of a demand.

[@yanamarte4542]

Precisely what you've described I have bypassed by choosing to to the job which is most stressful, complex, dangerous and demanding. No one wants to do such jobs. Perfect. Then when I do it and I do it well, everyone leaves me alone. No one dares to intervene because if they do, and I get upset, who is going to do the job when I'm gone? So they totally leave me alone. And they actually increase my pay to keep me happy there. Which I love. Hurray.

[@Varulfen95]

@@yanamarte4542 that is an interesting and clever way of avoiding annoying and unnecessary requests from your boss. Would be way too stressful for me, but if it works it works.^^ May I ask what your job is?

[@fedoramcclaren4294]

Whoa... This wholeheartedly describes my life thoroighly. My work history is awful, and I would love to have my own business, however, the thought of keeping up with demands holds me back.

[@la_belle_heaulmiere]

Ahhh, my life.

[@Chris-fq5jd]

I’m so glad you decided to do a video on PDA. I’ve been really curious about it for a while, and it was great to hear you break it down and offer helpful workarounds for PDA! I also really like how you use “we” and other first person language in your videos. It really reduces stigma and shame and makes me feel less alone. (At least, that’s my experience). Thanks Kati!

[@Judymontel]

I thnk there's a spectrum of PDA as well. With enough energy, I can push through it, whether the demand is from the situation, another person (that's REALLY hard) or from myself - yes, it can be a problem when one part of me is telling another (or the rest of me) to do something. But I will need down time to recover. I can push through some of the time, but it IS a big deal. PS Now that I've watched to the end, this really is a gold-standard discussion about PDA and I'm very grateful to you for it. I dislike the term, but I very much identify with the issue. I definitely have used and continue to use many of your techniques to help myself move through the world, and was glad to learn a few new ones.

[@natascha_mephisto]

I thought for so long I am just childish for those symptoms. Thank you for talking about this and spreading awareness that this is actually a thing^^

[@NoahOfTheCosmos]

Love this. I’m big on giving myself the same result choices and I’m definitely going to try out the “role playing” strategy 😂 The reverse psychology one feels like I would have to be careful with my kiddo who experiences it too. Telling him I don’t think he could do something would be hurtful for him. But making it a fun challenge would be more helpful! 😊

[@Katimorton]

Yay!!! I am so glad some of the ideas were helpful :) It was so interesting to learn about and come up with some ideas for working with (not against) our brains!! xoxo Keep me posted!! xo

[@Venusandjupiteinunion6434]

You know when she said that on the video I thought hey I do that sometimes. Like when I pretend that I'm somebody else making dinner for me. Or sometimes I'll pretend that I've called a maid like I can afford a maid? And it's not me cleaning the house it's the maid. Now I don't switch into a different person or anything, I just kind of pretend that I'm the maid cleaning the house, and it gets done. I always thought that was weird that I did that, but somehow now I don't feel so weird anymore. This video was really good.

[@Lisa-x3n5x]

This is groundbreaking for me. All my life I've role-played games to get chores done on other people's schedules. (Or my own self-imposed ones when time poor). On my own, the chores happen naturally in their own good time. Thankyou so much! I thought I had that O.D.D. thing they came up with 20 or so years ago. And number 6 most emphatically works best as I get older and have more time. It's great that there's education out there. I'm 60, and only diagnosed last year. I think it's funny - I knew I was destined for the term "eccentric" one day, but now I can add letters to my name! Best part of this vid, though, is knowing I'm not alone. Happy new subscriber!

[@emberynn]

thank you so very, very much. i spent most of my time in years watching this. my counselor mentioned PDA so I've been researching. this was so incredibly validating. almost every one of those was said to me at one time or another while i was growing up. I'm NOT lazy. I'm NOT to sensitive. I'm NOT defiant. thank you. a thousand times... thank you ❤

[@VanessaMarieBooks]

Until I learned about PDA, I never understand why I was constantly fighting my own brain. I've always said "my brain is rebel. It rebels against everyone, including myself." Reverse psychology and telling myself "don't do anything today" are the two ways I've found that I can sometimes trick my brain into doing what I wanted it to do. Also, sometimes if I tell myself "just work on this for 10 min and that's it. You can stop after 10 min," that's sometimes enough to get me over the hurdle of starting and then once I start, I usually go for way longer than 10 min and I won't want to stop till I'm done.

[@crybebebunny]

I have always suffered from this. Did truly understand and still don't understand. I think that I have high functioning Autism. My youngest child has this. They are always extremely exhausted just like I am. I also have chronic pain. Don't know how to function as an Adult because of this, expect to be gentle, because of the love for myself helps me do things out of LOVE. I also like helping others and that is how I get things done too. I feel that getting things done helps me help myself/ love myself too. ❤❣️❤❣️❤ Yes, role playing my "ideal self " and day dreaming of what I wished/ want for myself and my family ❣️ Thank you for sharing and taking time to learn and explain these things.

[@Catlily5]

If you are in chronic pain look into Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.

[@TomThumb151515]

Definitely don’t rush them. I think the term slow to warm is useful. Just allow them time to warm up to it

[@monikabredesen4273]

I struggle with this, and the part where you talked about shower is right on spot.

[@ladybaabaa3294]

For me too.

[@ushere5791]

my mother had the most success getting me to cooperate by asking, "do you want to do...?" and then i would think for half a minute and then start doing whatever it was. just a thought--hope it helps.

[@lovegoddess2040]

Good deal. I'm working on that with my daughter 🥰

[@prettypuppy6752]

That’s EXACTLY how I raised my now adult daughter. I always gave her a choice in everything… I didn’t know at the time that I was ASD level 1 but always had the worst anxiety and felt like no one ever gave me any autonomy. My daughter thrived and is now a Critical Care Doctor who is Specialising as an Anaesthesiologist and Pain Medicine Physician. Children need to be given/ offered choices ( appropriate to their age and stage of development of course) and learn to trust their own decisions/ instincts as they grow up. We should be helping to grow individuals not robots!!

[@zoebeser1308]

Yes that's how my asd pda house runs.... An either or choice (more than that becomes an overload) followed with either a now or in an hour timescale choice if it's something like dinner or a time to have the choice completed by. Makes everyone far less stressed, the kids have the control they need to not trigger their pda. It's not foolproof but for the most part it works

[@ragdollkid1338]

My kids just say No if I ask if they want to do it because they are literal and they don't want to do anything I ask that's a chore

[@augustinandre14]

Did the RP method years before knowing about PDA. Being a servant robot makes you a really good and dedicated employee dealing with the public, especially if you believe in what you are doing (I was working in public libraries). Didn't even realize I was RPing. Also, putting it out there: I've heard from a guy who digs pretty deep that PDA has been talked about for like 4 decades? And that it still has no standardized way of being evaluated. That + the fact I consider it only part of my autism+giftedness inner-working has quickly led me to consider it but a **symptom** and not as a separated "pathology". Something that seems to be reflected in how it was handled in this video. So glad to see I'm not veering in too an unrealistic direction.

[@nikki-the-knife]

Thank you for sharing this. I learned about PDA when my ASD kiddo was younger and I realized how often children are misdiagnosed with ODD when in actuality it's just PDA. The problem is ODD gets medicated so these kids are getting put on drugs they don't even need that aren't going to help the actual root of the issue. And most people have no idea what PDA is, including doctors.

[@birdsaflyin]

This is the best teaching on pda I have found! For me, specifically emphasis on nervous system reaction

[@JaneAKelley]

Thank you so much for this! I've really been struggling with PDA lately, and I know my PDA has in the past been interpreted as defiance or selfishness or other Puritan-disapproved things. I'm going to share this video with my family and friends so they understand what PDA is and that no, I'm not lazy or whatever -- I just can't get my freaking brain to say "yes" to things I WANT to do like establishing an exercise routine.

[@matthewschneider6725]

I'm so glad this video got recommended to me. For years I've been perplexed by the fact that planning what I'm going to do, in a to-do list or dayplanner, makes me feel like I want to scream. The tips about strategies for dealing with it seem very practical and useful!

[@arthurpenfield8229]

I never get to make my own choices. My life has always been in somebody else's control. It's like I'm not allowed to make my own choices.

[@daniiris7468]

Omg literally

[@rainbowconnected]

I feel this. Being able to make your own choices is so important and it can be really damaging if that ability is taken away by others. For me, having all my choices made for me by abusive others made me feel like I wasn't a person in their eyes, just a thing to be controlled. We need some sense of autonomy to be healthy and happy. I hope that you are safe and that you get to a place where you are able to make choices that best serve your health and growth.

[@viktoriavadon2222]

This is literally the struggle of my life. Thank you for spreading awareness, Kati! I wish my family spoke English and I could send them this video to help them understand.

[@elainejones5473]

When my son was little, I made things a game or a challenge. In a silly voice I would say, "Don't you eat that broccoli! That's mommy's broccoli!" He would giggle and squeal and stuff it into his mouth. When I tried that with my daughter, she would lovingly offer it to me, and was equally ready to share her dessert. Later, when my son hated spelling, I would call out a word and if he spelled it correctly, he got a point. If he got it wrong, I got a point. He would giggle and squeal and jump up and down and ace every spelling test.

[@viennadesou6546]

Reverse psychology always feels manipulative to me and makes it worse. The last advice of "doing nothing", it works because you just wait for your unconscious self to act on its own impulse, rather than having to act on some timeframe it has no say in. I'll find myself doing tasks without even thinking about it because my mind/body was just all of a sudden ready to act, there was no reason for it to be told. I really wish you'd look into the neurodivergent model of autism. We're Autistic, we're not disordered, the expectations the world puts on us are.

[@smule77]

IMO the last bit is a very problematic point of view. Being autistic myself I get why people would say that, but it's still a bad idea to go down this path. While you might be able to convince your family, friends and maybe even your work colleagues and boss to see you in that light, in reality autistic people still make up so little of the population, we can't claim that we're not disordered when we clearly are compared to neurotypicals who will always set the norms for what is "normal" and what isn't. And I'm not even convinced that every neurotypical around will eventually agree to the idea, that we're as capable as them when we are clearly not in many ways. Yes, we're also more capable to do certain things than neurotypical people. But that doesn't make us not disabled. In the end, the non-deficit-model will backfire on every single autistic person following that path - because it's delusional and hasn't anything to do with reality. But I get why it's tempting, especially to late diagnosed individuals. I hate the thought that I'm disabled too - hard to wrap my head around, living a "successfully life" with a Familie, a job, a house and stuff like that. But my struggles are real and I have to do invest more energy into almost everything I do to just keep the s*it together in a way that's fitting for my needs and the needs of my husband and kids who aren't all neurodiverse. So yeah, I am disabled, there's no other way to put this. But it doesn't Make me less of a person or member of society. I'm still worthy of love, support and happiness, just like eveybody around me. I say "Autistic people aren't disordered" is in its core ableist, even though it claims to be the opposite.

[@viennadesou6546]

Yours is the ableist & problematic viewpoint. The Neurodiversity model is not just some wishful thinking by some Autistics, it's actually part of a wider psychological & neurological study that has a lot of evidence to back it. You can have whatever opinion you want on the matter but it doesn't out weigh the actual scientific research that has been what has brought the neurodiversity movement to the forefront.

[@viennadesou6546]

@@smule77 And I never said that we cant be disabled. Disability and disorder arent necessarily the same thing. The requirements set up by society are what disables us, in a world actually built by and for neurodivergents, we wouldnt be.

[@Weeds_and_Wishes]

It amazes me every time i catch a video of yours relating to the exact thing im struggling with at that moment in time. Thank you for these videos. It is always such a nice break from constantly feeling unsafe and misunderstood. ✌️

[@YBCLover]

Hi, Kati. Hope you are well. Do you think you could do a video on childhood trauma/neglect/abuse and autism? EG: Needs not being met, etc. This would really help me. Thanks!

[@Pilch9]

What a great summary! Great video! If I’m honest I am sure I exhibit this and 90% of the time it’s as I’m driving, choosing the route in my minds eye, when my partner blurts out ‘go this way, or that way’. Wow is that triggering for me. Irrationally every cell in my body does not want to listen no matter how good the suggestion. And I hate myself for it and they get angry at my if I say no and then it’s just an overall bad mood for all of us… I can’t get them to understand I can’t choose in the moment my defiance. But it’s only a little later I calm down and think, who cares, if that makes them fell good, just take that stimulus turn they wanted. But it’s too late. Anyway, I shared your video with them as it’s 1000% better than my explanations. ❤️

[@vickisnyder3997]

I started role playing around age 6... I would play games to make work tolerable... i.e. Play cashier to buy toys and put away... "Tidy up the nursery " thinking gave me the persona of Mary Poppins when caring for myself and (other) children...

[@michellebressette2210]

This is the best summary of PDA that I've seen. Funny thing, when you started using "we," "us," and "our" in your narrative my thought was "oh, so you're autistic too?!? Really?!?!?" Yup, even a mistrusting, visceral reaction to that. Thanks for a great post.

[@CherylSmith-v2k]

Good info. This seems to describe my son. He has CPTSD from being abused in foster care before I found him and adopted him at age seven. He is 18 now and refuses treatment but I can see a pattern of this with him. It can be a daily struggle.

[@elrodkatie]

Keep in mind parenting is overwhelming to PDA parents. PDA is genetic. So children in the system can be impacted by genetics and trauma. PDA and trauma can present similarity. The thing is trauma can be healed- PDA is genetic and forever. Check out Robyn Gobbel’s work.

[@maidenmarian1]

I am amazed to know this even exists. This explains so much. This is a possible amazing answer to certain unexplained situation. It could put some things into a new perspective. Thank you. I never knew THIS even existed! Thank you.

[@glasshousefuture6836]

A friend I lived with would tell me a task to do, and if I had already been super stressed, I would say, "Don't tell me what to do.😤" But 80percent of the time, I would still do it anyway , just not right away. But thankfully, he was super understanding of me, even if we didn't have this knowledge, instead he'd say, "Okay, Just do what you can, when you can. 💙"

[@jbr84tx]

I think this may come from a chronic inability to say 'no' to requests. We then have to say 'no' to any demand or request in order to get our perceived autonomy back.

[@muffinandme1]

This is an excellent explanation of something I have been experiencing for most of my life and I am 64 now. Even watching this I was getting that same uncomfortable feeling that presages this response. When I was a teenager, my father used to demand I either study law or medicine after high school. It also made me scared of the thought of university. I finally began at university as a mature student after I was 25.

[@superespiritual1553]

OMG You're th ONLY person who described it in a way I could understand.

[@littlebutler8448]

How do you deal with being triggered by social demands..? Even if I initially really want to do something (platonic/sexual/romantic) just sensing someone wants me to, or worse expects it, feels so upsetting. Obviously I try to surround myself with people who are less triggering/more accommodating but when you already struggle to meet your social needs its easy to feel like you have to compromise to your own detriment. Also the type of people who don't trigger me are usually hard to stay in touch/sync with since they try not to impose on people/don't express their needs, just like me. PDA pairs so fabulously bad with rejection sensitivity...

[@kathrynr9732]

This helped so much, it’s great to know it has a name and I’m not the only one

[@ZAB_Nailz]

I have Panic Disorder and GAD and my anxiety attacks and/or meltdowns look very different than neurotypical people. I’d be interested if anyone else can relate. So I have the typical anxiety/panic attack symptoms (heart racing, shaking, hyperventilating, etc.). But because I also have ASD, the panic/anxiety attacks/meltdowns can last for hours and hours. They’re totally and completely exhausting. I wind myself back up into serious upset, over and over. I rock back and forth and sometimes even hit myself. I cry, uncontrollably, for hours (I also suffer from MDD). To calm down, I have to take my anxiety meds (including a benzo), I have to meditate or do a grounding exercise (if I can, a lot of the time I’m so worked up, I just say “it’s not going to work so why bother”). I’m curious if anyone can relate to this.

[@ihartevil]

We are still here little kuriboh used to talk about that all the time He ended up being very sick from his depression/anexity Lk ended up with a bad panic attack at night the series we are still here got a lot of people to be like ya at least others understand

[@_timware]

Your perspective and the ability to articulate it is very refreshing! Many other explanations and examples are very frustrating and seem to completely fail to accurately describe this difficulty. Seems that many are using this as an excuse or tired of giving the more accurate, longer explanation for their challenges and have inaccurately promoted the wrong explanation or description while in a panicked or uncomfortable state?

[@JohnBoen]

New to me. Perfectly explains me. I have wanted to get a job for 10 months, but I cannot make myself open Linked In. All I can do is walk. I did 3,138,573 steps in the past 3 months...

[@BunnaySango]

Could this be part of ADHD? Am I experiencing normal executive dysfunction, or am I actually experiencing demand aavoidance? I feel like too many demands tip me into a breakdown. When my owm needs compete with my childrens needs, for example.I dont struggle to use the bathroom because, well, pain and discomfort are worse than the demand. I do struggle to brush my teeth or do basic chores or de clutter my home.

[@betheklein4463]

Oh wow. This is exactly what I do! Omg I feel so validated right now! Im looking more into this. Thank you so much

[@Gibbiceps2008]

Thank you so much for this video Kati! Everything you said in this video describes exactly how I feel and function. I would never find these words myself to describe it. When I listen to this video It's like This is me!! Thank you once again :)

[@pariahmouse7794]

Learning this existed was relevatory. I had already figured I was autistic/ADHD, but the PDA profile... Connected every last single dot. I wasn't willful, I knew I wasn't lazy, I knew...something wasn't right. Amd I was RIGHT...

[@ScottJohnson-tk7ql]

I'm really greatful for this video. Thank you! I find myself from time to time unconciously role-playing to avoid being someone who is ruled by his own emotions. When I was a kid in the '60s and '70s I remember assuming the role of Spock, the half human, half vulcan science and first officer in StarTrek's original series. But now, if I'm careful, I retreat to mindful living instead when the situation looks liable to disregulate me. My wife knows how to prepare me to calmly receive demanding news. Slowly, and if at all possible, with humour. A week after finding out about personal digital assistants, lol, I mean PDA, I feel like it is a third major key to understanding why I have experienced my life as I have, along with these two others which I compound in my thinking: AuDHD, and aphantasia/SDAM.

[@sarahpfeuffer1396]

Thank you! This is helpful to understand whay my son with ASD is going through when he refuses to do things we tell him to do.

[@chickenmama5051]

🤯the more I learn about this, the less I dislike myself…. Thank you❤

[@maidenmarian1]

This explains a situation with a guy that I used to like. The simplest things get really messed up when this guy has some hidden thing going on. I am blessed that we never got any closer. How does any one live with a person like this? Some day I might understand this even more. So its going to answer many questions. AND understanding that he did not want to do anything I wanted to do is interesting through this lens.

[@giovannaconsiglio8537]

the strategies that work best for me are: 1. do the things I find more difficult in advance. Things like paying taxes, or pack for holidays. 2. think of the worse that can happen if I don't do something in that exact moment but delay it. This usually takes a lot of anxiety off the task and makes it easier to do it right now 3. make a list (written or in my mind only) of smaller steps and start with the easier one, like when cleaning the house. Usually when I start with something, then I do other things too. I started using these strategies years ago, when I did not know I have ASD and did not even know PDA existed. All my life I've been accused of being lazy, stubborn and selfish...

[@mhuzzell]

This was a huge problem for me as a child, and very frusrating. Even when I was little, I could see how illogical it was to fly into an internal rage at being asked to do something that I was already planning to do, and to suddenly not want to do it simply because I'd been asked. It's not really a problem for me as an adult -- I think not because I've "grown out of it" so much as just that the fact of being an adult means that I have a lot more control of my day-to-day life than I did as a child.

[@MishaSkripach]

How did your mum react to your rages? The key is her reaction, as this formed a strong rexflex.

[@mhuzzell]

@@MishaSkripach *Internal* rages (usually). She and other adults just thought I was being difficult/uncooperative/obstinate for the sake of it.

[@MishaSkripach]

@@mhuzzell they were right. however, they did nto put a stop on it. Read up on what dog trainers do when a puppy bites and scratches for the sake of it.

[@toastedburton]

There’s a word for the reverse psychology approach, saying “I won’t even mention how the dishes need doing”. It’s apophasis. Speaking in the apophatic mode. (I did a PhD on some obscure English stuff).

[@Mark_MKII]

I didn’t know this was a thing and it perfectly describes how I feel when demands or ‘suggestions’ are given to me. One way my partner and I have figured out how to deal with my ‘stubbornness’ is to not assign the task to someone, but present it as a way to be helpful as a choice (which was briefly touched on in this video). My partner would say something like, “It would really help me out if you could take care of the dishes. Is that something you could help with?” Naturally, I care about my partner and want to be helpful, so it usually works.

[@PaintedK]

My experience: - Allowing myself to not do "the thing" will make me never do it. This generates a tremendous amount of mental load. It does feel good at first, but the longer my self-loving me avoids it the harder and more painful it gets, since the demand pressure is rising and rising. Plus, the consistency-trap allows me to put it down over and over again! That's damn tricky, I needed better strategies than that 😬 My solutions so far: - Telling myself that "I'd like to do it" (instead of "have to..") at a specific time (instead of now) makes the task easier to accept, since I'm at least working at my own pace and will. - When having multiple tasks on the plate: I roll a dive which one I'm gonna do. Right now. Jump up and do it. -> No time for overthinking -> Saves energy for decisions -> no one but fate actually decides it, that's good! -> I can concentrate on one task without having a bad conscious for not dealing with all the other mental load -> Making priorities is like making demands, therefore I avoid prioritising. And trying to "eat the frog first" is my guarantee for sending an entire day down the gutter 😅 - I set time goals instead of achievement goals. My goal is to work a Pomodoro long (25 minutes) on one task. After a 5 minutes break I can decide if I continue the task or roll the dice again. -> No pressure for finishing it now. -> low threshold for starting - Some tasks are overly hard but very important and necessary, such as making a doctor's appointment. My mind will always make up an excuse for that! The world is unfortunately not made for people like me who hate calling 🤙👀 So here is my trick: I determine the best time to do it. Then I ask my (reliable) friend to give me a call at that specific time and ask him/her to then ask me to do the task. I know this seems counterintuitive, since I literally generated a demand for myself! But I believe the magic in here is that it feels like we're doing it together. And I initiated the whole thing! So it was my choice in the first place. Also I feel a bit of a healthy pressure that their call should be honoured by my consistent actions, right!? Also I can practice asking favours, am happy for my understanding friends and my friends are happy for helping ❤ - Last but not least, it seems that ADHD meds cured this entire PDA sh*t, fml 🤣🤙🤙🤙 My future approach: - The behaviour might be a result of hidden trauma or learned helplessness, so I'd better have this checked by a therapist (if I manage to make the appointment 🤙👀). Or I'm well-masking AuDD after all, which my psychiatrist won't approve, but who knows 😂 Thank you for the well structured and informative video, which I enjoyed a lot! 🙏 Thanks for reading, hope it helps. Sorry for oversharing 🤷

[@darfish5040]

I've used some of your suggestions even though I don't have PDA but occasionaly I am in a PDA mode or state. Your entire post is enlightening and helpful.

[@elainejones5473]

For my part, I make a list of everything I need to do. Then I pick from the list, depending on what I feel like doing at the moment. And it's true that sometimes I ignore the list altogether. Not sure if this is PDA, but it helps me manage and also feel autonomous. It's also satisfying to check things off the list.

[@elrodkatie]

Lists for a PDAer create such pervasive demands - they rarely work.

[@kathyh.1720]

Here is something that seems to help me (now that I know that PDA is what I've been dealing with). For example, the other day I felt pressure to get some work done for someone, at her request. I emailed her and said that I was on a roll with my special interest. (She has an autistic brother and mother and is super accommodating of my symptoms.) She emailed me back to say that there was no rush to do it. However, before I received her reply, I had already started working on the project for her because the pressure was off! I completed her request and then went back to my own stuff. I had removed the pressure... the "demand"... and then was able to do the work. I don't understand this, but I guess it's a real thing. I'm not good at cleaning, and the dust has been building up on my bedroom dresser. This morning, I got a rag and the cleaning bottle and just set them down on top of the dresser. That step was done! Some other day, I would actually do the dusting. Pressure off. Then I decided to dust off the items on the dresser and set them aside so the dresser itself would be ready for dusting. Done. That step was relieved of its pressure because it was completed. I was doing this while I was actually headed to the bathroom for my morning routine. Then since the dresser was clear of items, I dusted off the dresser. Done. The dresser was dusted. No more pressure to do it. This allowed me to put the things back onto the dresser, set the cleaning supplies down in the bedroom (You didn't want me to PUT THEM AWAY RIGHT AWAY, did you?!), and I continued with my morning routine. Then later, as I walked past the items, I picked them up on my way to the kitchen and put them away in the utility room (next to the kitchen). The dresser was dusted! It ended up being painless! Painless, after half a year of knowing that I needed to dust things in my bedroom. And, yeah, the OTHER things in my bedroom aren't dusted yet... And then there's the livingroom. And the other bedroom. And ... One step at a time. When I get around to it.

[@dizzybee7386]

It's getting worse as I get older. Or perhaps I should rephrase that - it's getting worse because of the circumstances I have difficulty adapting to. My family has figured this stuff out before I have. I only discovered it on watching this video. I'm prompted quite a bit in gentle ways to sort out certain things.

[@missrebeccay]

My psychologist brought this up a while ago, and stated it also doesn't just affect people with ASD- I don't have it. I related to bits and pieces of PDA, and very much related to the example of not texting people back because it was so long ago, and the demand to do it was too much. This usually happens when I am having a depressive episode. A very interesting video topic, thanks Kati :)

[@isabelnin1892]

It is possible that you are demand avoidant but not PDA. There are other reasons that can explain demand avoidance kinds of behaviours. Like you mentioned depression, it could be linked to that, and maybe something else. PDA is more like when you have always been this way.

[@elrodkatie]

PDA is Autism because it is a neurological condition of the central nervous system, ADHD is as well. Eventually PDA and ADHD will be under the Austim spectrum.

[@LSD-33166]

@@isabelnin1892 I was born in the UK in 1988, nobody knew what PDA was back then. I grew up in the dark ages. I don't know if i have it, but it's likely. Well, it could be worse, I could have been born in 1892, Like something out of a Emily Bronte novel, that character Heathcliffe, i bet he had PDA, what a stubborn character. Back then, life was hard, and being 'difficult' was just a recipe for deportation to the colonies

[@WSSHW__1854]

Massive thanks for this video, you've effortlessly explained my childhood. Wow. If only I'd known, but I am learning that I'm not alone in a sea of undiagnosed middle aged folk! Thank you for your content.

[@danavitolo]

My 5 year old daughter was diagnosed with ASD level 2 and ADHD combined type. She’s very articulate and social, willful, and has a high vocabulary. She shows all the symptoms of PDA and this video was so helpful. It’s very difficult to get the right treatment because PDA is not recognized in the US and it’s not on the DSM 5- it’s has been very frustrating. Last year we tried ABA and it was horrific for her and it only made her more frustrated. The major concern is her eloping behavior in school which is a safety issue - she tends to get into fight or flight mode if overstimulated or under stimulated or if she is redirected or told no.

[@ihartevil]

Ya thats because the moment a child asks a question they need to go on ODD meds every child knows this by now so now they are being called PDA because we must find someway to shove meds down all children Plus ADD/ADHD never existed that was supposed to be the ODD meds but the people liked the adderol so they never got off it and a few years ago they tried to claim those children got addicted to it when it actually worked for them because of their autism without that they hate those meds like iadarola and end up researching about ants or empysawesome and he made a video about it being crackcoke amd he knows what thats like because he used to do that

[@jdenmark1287]

Sounds very similar to my daughter who is now 11.

[@ingramfry7179]

'Paying your dues' engratiates you to the group. So often work isn't about the outcome its about showing your 'putting in the effort'. Despite so much effort being in vain. Those who value praise compromise and push through. Every once in a while somebody who refuses to do anything other than their own thing completely changes the game, and makes everybody elses efforts look futile. When you see somebody working because they are compelled to for the intrinsic value their contribution can be infinitley superior to a co-operative person who is working in order to be seen to be working. I'm just going to own it, I am defiant. I'm not doing what the authoprities think I should because I generally think they are incompetant. Following their stupid orders got us into this mess to begin with. Look at how shit Einstein was as a patent clerk. He did 2 hours of work and then did his own thing for the rest of the day. He was unemplyed after getting his PhD for many years because he never respected his tutors. I think he had PDA. But where all glad he did his own thing.

[@angelkmaron2108]

My siblings and I all have PDA and the way we talk to each other is unusual for it. Instead of saying "move this chair back to the table" we would say "this chair needs moved back to the table" so very passive instead of being direct. This does not work with my husband who doesn't have PDA. If I said "this chair needs moved back to the table" to him, he would not take the hint.

[@GrungeGalactica]

Wait is this why when my boss tells me what to do next, even while he’s explaining to me how to do it, I’m thinking how I’ll find my own gamified way of doing it or I finish what I’m doing /do something small first, just before doing what he said? & why I get so angry if he stops me in the middle of doing something I enjoy/find to be more important, it feels like slamming on the breaks of my momentum? But if I can clearly see the progress I’m making/it’s important & necessary thus satisfying I can switch task with less of a jolt & start up ‘brain friction’? I really struggled to do homework then course/uni work in my free time, cause it just felt unnecessary & unfair to me. The hardest thing I’ve found about being an adult is having enough energy & motivation to force myself to do everything required of me when- I didn’t choose to have to work my arse off just to survive in a world, that takes that work to exist? Idk if it counts if I do what’s asked of me (when I’m paid to) but it makes me feel angry and upset and it’ll start showing on my face 😂. When I can sense my boss is telling me to do something a but pointless/boring/annoying, just to keep me busy that p1sses me off!

[@remiboudot5781]

I realized recently that I may be having, if not PDA, at least DA. This is still undiagnosed, and so I can only be in speculations about it, though I do remember trying to help my family understand that demanding, was the worst kind of thing to do to men when I was in my teens. What was happening was that at the moment a demand was pushed onto me, I was completely freezing. With only one line in mind. "If I comply, they will associate compliance with demand hence repeat demand to obtain compliance." That very idea, was so overwhelming that whatever I was doing turned each time into a blank state. Stopping any action to freeze and mentally spin endlessly. At the time, a part of me wanted to explain that mind process - once the crisis was gone - though I never managed to be capable of formulating it. To just say "Don't demand of me, if you do, I just CAN'T do. I loose myself and spiral." And that was sometimes taking me ten to twenty minutes just to be "active" again. Those freeze actually still haunt me to this day, even if I live now alone, and am not having anyone to demand anything of me most of the time. And happens to show up in a quite similar fashion than this tiktok about the shower. "I have to do it. Let's do it. Alright I'm... I should? Why don't I? Can't. Not doing it today." I realized, too, that I tend to give myself "timers". And if for any reasons I fail to start the action at the said timer, I just get in "fuck it, not today". Finally, one other "ways" to overcome it that I managed to find myself, is to trick myself into "autopilot". I am not doing the task itself as a focus, but instead swap to something else entirely while doing the task. It can be listening to a song while I'm doing some chores, that turn into "background actions", as a way to keep my hands busy. Or walking out to get a smoke while moving to the store for groceries. Basically, the need to do "something else" to initiate the action, and then once started, let it go automatically. Dunno if I'm alone acting that way. Thanks for your work and podcasts. That's... Actually relaxing to see that i'm not just a complete piece of trash *laugh* and that other people might struggle with similar craps.

[@tabitas.2719]

I really love and appreciate all the first-hand accounts you inserted into this video. :) Thanks for a concise summary on PDA.

[@_InsertName_]

I've had this PDA problem since childhood. When I look at other kids, it makes me wonder how different I was, and still am than others. Others just obediently obey what is being told to them! It's such a HUGE block for me. I ain't diagnosed with ASD but then I do relate to many autistic individuals. I guess, I really have PDA form of autism. Thanks for the insights, Kati!

[@brendalogan7642]

Oh the BEST . I told so and so you would do this. I may have done it but no one ASKED ME. You don't volunteer my services. Good luck with your project. .

[@drvpscott]

I think defiance can be a legitimate defense to forced enmeshment and authoritarian parenting. For those who are raised by an unboundaried parent (read: smothering, manipulative, controlling, often deceptive or helicopter style) it would be understandable if their resistance were to involve some degree of sympathetic stress response and that could certainly appear defiant... legitimately. Struggling for autonomy is after all the stuff of normal development and when it is disallowed there are bound to be developmental issues that some might call problematic. Consider the Eriksonian stages of development and what a dominated child who is thwarted at each of these stages might look like. Might they appear untrusting, shameful, doubtful, guilty, inferior, confused, isolated, emotionally and / or developmentally stagnated and full of despair? Might this person refuse to communicate, appear fearful, helpless, struggle to focus or complete tasks and avoid eye contact? Might they become persistently defiant? I think it is the strong ones that do and under these circumstances it is not unreasonable, though it could become a counterproductive habit.

[@leonesdelmundo4884]

Wow! This is an eye-opener. I am glad you're sharing this! Thank you🎉

[@readingroomcafeproject]

I had a PDA student (who has just passed his GCSE language with a 6, so proud of him) who's previous tutor hadn't even asked him to look at any of the texts. PDA does not mean have no expectations. it does not mean unteachable. I gave him the reading list, and he made the order of events. He was an excellent, engaged and productive student. Shame we only had 32 lessons to cover the entire GCSE English language curriculum.

[@dcampi7597]

I HATE cleaning but I've discovered that what helps me is instead of thinking that I have to clean because it's messy, I'm choosing to clean because that's a way of taking control of my surroundings.

[@jacqpinks]

This video was helpful, I think I’m pda but there is a lot more to it. It’s the meltdowns I have when I go into the kitchen so I don’t. I don’t avoid going to the toilet when i need to go I really don’t register the need when im doing things until im busting. I don’t like the use of “we” in this video. You aren’t we. If you do have pda or ASD then sure but you should state you do.

[@judy3turn]

I find putting my lower priority as my higher priority allows me to get the higher priority done because I am NOT doing the lower priority which I put on top. Like I need to be NOT doing something in order to do something. I hope this helps someone.

[@jonathanp___________3606]

I'm pretty certain I have PDA, but for me, fitting in (in as unique a way as possible) was pretty much the only way to avoid escapable demands. I think that may be why I care more about fitting in than many PDAers.

[@jonathanp___________3606]

I guess I don't do things, "because everyone else is doing it," more to emphasize common ground.

[@indulgence05]

i didnt know what it was called, but i understand the stress response to demands all too well, Thank you for helping me to understand this very confusing aspect of myself.

[@jpjpvds]

Wow!!!! Curious to know if there's any connection with avPD.

[@kassiagarcia-l1o]

This is my son! Thank you so much for your video ❤

[@robbielynmccrary872]

i disagree about not wanting to fit in but when i’m upset the prefrontal cortex that says uh u may not want to do this shuts down. after i yelled and screamed not realizing a crowd is gathering, i feel so embarrassed and betrayed from my prefrontal cortex abandoning me when i need it the most