Does High IQ Mask Autism? | Unedited

Growing up with a high IQ allowed me to go under the radar when it came to identifying my neurodivergent needs. This video explores WHY this happens and how it affects us as late-diagnosed autistic adults.
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DISCLAIMER: Taylor Heaton is not a licensed psychologist or specialist healthcare professional. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. Please note that Taylor can’t take any responsibility for the results of your actions, nor any harm or damage you suffer as a result of the use, or non-use of the information available through her website, KZbin Channel, or social media accounts. Please use judgment and conduct due diligence before taking any action or implementing any plan or practice suggested or recommended by Taylor Heaton or Mom on the Spectrum. Please note that Taylor doesn't make any guarantees about the results of the information you may apply from her website, KZbin channel, and/or social media accounts. Taylor shares educational and informational resources that are intended to help you succeed in navigating life as an autistic adult. You nevertheless need to know that your outcome will be the result of your own efforts, your particular situation, and innumerable other circumstances beyond Taylor's knowledge and control. Taylor is an Amazon affiliate and may receive commissions on qualifying purchases from affiliate links. Taylor is a Flare affiliate and may receive commissions on qualifying purchases from Flare links.
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#actuallyautistic #momonthespectrum #autisticadult

[@pdub707]

things I heard growing up: you think too much

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Yes!! Forgot to add this one to the list.

[@jliller]

The endless drumbeat from my peers through high school form me: You overthink everything. You complain too much. You need to loosen up.

[@janapeiffer51]

I still get people noticing “you overthink a lot”. They’re not wrong. Should mention that I have not been formally diagnosed with anything 😮 Bit I do know my brain is different- and I have passed this down to my children. I am studying now to start unraveling the ball of yarn so we can understand ourselves better in my household! Thanks for your videos, Taylor!

[@ubernerrd]

Teachers used to say I spent too much time day dreaming.

[@judymurray191]

My adult daughter is always annoyed by my “overthinking” and uses it to put me down.

[@BuckEboo]

Having a high IQ makes it easier for others to ignore issues. That has been my experience. It only goes so far before folks like us crash and burn.

[@SmallSpoonBrigade]

Yep, although I do question whether anybody with a high IQ and autism can really know based on a standard IQ test. IQ tests are supposed to be normed to the population that is being tested. It's the reason why i'ts asking for trouble to compare scores between different groups or to use the same test on different groups. You get nonsense results that are largely meaningless.

[@MagdalenaBozyk]

I heard once somewhere, that the world outside cares only of how functional you are, when they deem how "autistic" you seem and how much help you need. They don't seem to recognize that the person who can't speak or take care of themselves might be perfectly happy and harmonious (due to lack of expectations on them, maybe), while the "functioning and masking" people often have struggles with mental health due to being forced to live "normal" lives. However it seems that this is at least starting to change among the healthcare professionals. And even some employers.

[@badadvice787]

​@@MagdalenaBozykMental health care professionals are the worst when it comes to actually acknowledging the burnout caused by over extending one's self. Depending on what kind of IQ test I take and how well it's been adjusted accounting for splinter skills and average functioning, I'm nearly a genius or have an Intellectual disability. People like to hide behind their ableist views.

[@douglasfelt]

IQ tests typically include samples of individuals having autism, ADHD, LD, etc. in addition to trying to reflect all regions of the country and all SES levels

[@SmallSpoonBrigade]

@@douglasfelt That's incompetent design and a large part of where the stereotype of autistic people being stupid and higher masking people not being autistic came from. It's done like that as a way of trying to avoid controversy and to try to remain relevant. It's not being done because it's better or even particularly defensible scientifically. I mean, it's only been in the last 25 years that anybody has bothered to consider masking when evaluating autism enough to conduct any research. I didn't spend all that time in grad school and teaching to not understand how testing and evaluation works. This is the same basic reasoning that concludes that boys are basically broken girls. (Trans and nonbinary people not withstanding) Boys aren't girls and even if the general intellectual capacity of both are similar with similar patterns of strength and weakness, there's no guarantee that the performance characteristics of both will be the same. Hitting that mark may not be equally easy, and it may not be equally reliable either. There's also often a differential in terms of what needs to be done to hit that mark and what motivates the effort.

[@philozoraptor6808]

High IQ helps you to fly under the radar during your academic years, especially if you have good memory as well. You get good grades which "helps" you to get away with being quirky and weird.

[@martalaatsch8358]

This is so real... my mom has explicitly told me that she thought I might be autistic but didn't care because I had good grades

[@Qwitsoender]

Having high-IQ and a good memory can also get you recognised as actually having high-IQ. Having high-IQ, but also ADHD, you have the memory capacity of a normal person, and you’re just invisible on almost all the tests. Even when you’re clearly not like other children. I really hope things have changed since the 80s and 90s.

[@jakke1975]

Only if you grow up in a loving family... try to do the same in a broken family with an alcoholic ruler of your world.

[@jakke1975]

@@Qwitsoender I grew up in the 80s, autism was like Rain Man and since almost no autistic person is like that, it just wasn't recognized at all. Being "smarter" than all of your teachers but lacking the mental tools to communicate things rightly for NT people, is just a recipe for a torture. NT teachers have no clue how to deal with ND children and they continuously get punished for their qualities and peculiarities. It's no wonder why autistic people deal with so much depression... the world is just against us from the moment we are born.

[@foreverwander0320]

@@jakke1975This is so relatable. My mother had some… negative religious thoughts about autism so in some ways I’m grateful she never realized I had it. I was just “an odd duck.” She’s no longer in my life and I have my own kids, one of whom is probably on the spectrum too. He gets good grade (like I did) and I’ve straight up been told by a school professional that a lot of the support divine to ASD kids is to help them get their grades up and “function” in class, since he’s doing that she wasn’t sure what I wanted. I’m still learning exactly what it is he and I want, but one thing I do know-as his mom I will support and understand him.

[@gigahorse1475]

Imagine my surprise - being an almost all As student in college- entering the work force and realizing I’m completely dysfunctional. It’s devastating. I look back and realize how hard I’ve had to struggle my whole life, and it just gets more difficult. Maybe one day I’ll find my niche.

[@PatchworkDragon]

Same. Unfortunately, the skills we needed for school are not the same skills we need for "real life." Keep on looking for that niche - it's out there.

[@TheWilliamHoganExperience]

Hang in there friend. I was diagnosed at 57. I'm 59 now. It's the not knowing that's the worst. As far as my disfunction, I wear it like a badge of honor. I survived, coped and overcame by any means neccesary. The worst part was thinking I was all alone. I wasn't, and niether are you. Keep exploring, and most importantly embracing your autism. It's a gift.

[@morgainebrigid]

That was totally me. And because I had internalized the lie that everything comes to those who never give up and have confidence in themselves, I kept slamming myself into walls over and over again. I was diagnosed at age 58.

[@cda6590]

Even though I didn't find out about my autism until much later, I thought I could "cheat the system" by becoming a professor and staying in school forever.

[@cda6590]

@@TheWilliamHoganExperience "It's a gift; it's just really difficult to unwrap" Good on you for having such a positive outlook on the whole thing. I am 33, diagnosed at 31, and it is difficult for me to not be embittered by the system whose cracks not only I fell through, but fellow generations of like-minded individuals did as well. The only solace I have is that I am still (just barely) in a position where there is a somewhat clear path from here to turning my 'disability' into a career.

[@aliciaparker4940]

Girl, I feel like you just completely described my childhood. Complete perfectionist, teachers pet, people pleaser, overly sensitive, etc. Even to the point of shutting off emotions when they become overwhelming. I am 50 and was diagnosed with autism at the beginning of August. It is such a relief to be able to look back through the lens of ASD and understand why I was the way I was. I learned a long time ago that I was "different." That I thought differently. I remember arguing with math teachers as I tried to explain that their process was inefficient. In the end, I had to give up and do it their way or fail the assignment. I am just starting out in this journey and honestly scared to unmask for fear of not knowing who I really am... Thanks for all you do and share with the world.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Yes I relate to your comment as well! I would always find myself sheepishly trying to find ways to show my math teacher that actually that wasn’t the right answer. One of my teachers gave me her answer key to check before she would use it to grade the rest of the class.

[@aslaughogna]

Yes, I'm also almost 50 and have just discovered my autism in the past year or so. I won't get diagnosed, because it's technically not possible after age 25 where I live (you can get an informal diagnosis, basically using similar tests to the ones you find online for free). This video is just ding-ding-ding-ding on almost all accounts. It explains so much. I skipped grades, I graduated young, I performed really well academically, but mostly because I was good at memorizing and figuring out what was expected of me. Singled out (what was referred to as othered in the video) by teachers for being smart and doing things correctly (I was -and am- a pretty strict rule-follower). I was fortunate to make good friends and we stuck together, otherwise life would have been pretty lonely. I was painfully shy, but would still point out mistakes teachers made, because having something be incorrect was worse than being noticed. I often felt (and still feel) like people didn't really know me, probably because I was subconsciously masking so much. I got really good at pretending not to feel hurt (that just got you bullied more), faking nonchalance, stuffing down my feelings (often with food or alcohol, I started drinking early) and pretending not to care as much as I really did. Where has that gotten me? Chronic pain, fibromyalgia, thyroid disease, massive anxiety, depressive episodes, burnout. Good times (oh yeah, I use sarcasm as a coping mechanism). It's quite overwhelming to be dealing with all this now, along with menopause and whatnot. I still think it's better than not knowing, I have hope that there are better and brighter times ahead. Thank you for your videos Taylor, they have really been helpful and this one probably most of all.

[@carolgnojewski6593]

How did you get diagnosed. I am 54 and I am positive that I have autism and have been masking and coping my whole life and it would be a relief to get a diagnosis. In high school my teacher got pneumonia and essentially left the lesson plans with me. The sub was told that I was to teach the class and I did.

[@atruefaith6498]

I'm 53, seems like the "teachers" were lazy. I taught as well.

[@princesspikachu3915]

@@MomontheSpectrumI remember getting a math answer correct but the teacher was confused how I ended up with the correct answer. And I didn’t know how to explain it.

[@TTTT-oc4eb]

Yes, high IQ makes me a better actor, better to predict what other people expects of me, what I should be saying or do, when to STFU (instead of saying the first thing that comes to my mind), etc. Even the psychiatrist wasn't quite convinced I was on the spectrum. It also makes me more aware of how fundamentally f*ck*d up I am.

[@jliller]

So much this. High-intelligence autism means being able to learn how to consciously deduce things that normal people pick up naturally, instinctively, and unconsciously. It's depressing to think about how much more I might have accomplished if I had the same IQ, but no autism because of all the brainpower I have to waste managing my ASD (and iADHD).

[@blamedthegnome]

Totally this. It's all just patterns, and I like patterns.

[@geoffreyemerson]

Lol, me when I'm smart enough to understand all of my psychological issues and how difficult they are to compensate for... ugh.

[@AlexisTwoLastNames]

i’m finding my people (at least in terms of this type of mental and emotional stuff) and this feels crazy.

[@IAmJustFlux]

Yes!

[@PhingChov]

I just realized I am a copypasta behavior person. I thought that is how everyone learns to act around others 🤷‍♂️ no wonder it always felt weird when I did that 🤣

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Yes for me this was a mind blowing realization!

[@oneeyedphotographer]

@@MomontheSpectrum That sounds like masking to me. Adjusting your behaviour to fit in. I don't do that.

[@nryane]

I resonate with the people pleasing and staying hidden , as parts of your observations and copy/paste activities. Often in my head - “You think too much!” Said about me.

[@shilohwalker3996]

©️🍝

[@annelogston]

I was a book devourer, and I basically created this huge script library in my head for various situations, how I should act and what I should say. I still (age 61) read from an internal teleprompter.

[@karenelliott-grinnell4643]

I relate to this SO much it is eerie. I am the girl who "ruined the curve" in my classes by getting 100% on the tests. I was described as shy and quiet, etc. I am 62, at this point I am self diagnosed ASD and am in the process of scheduling a professional assessment. I flew under the radar my whole life and am burned out by a lifetime of masking. I have lived with Crohn's Disease since my 20's and now know the correlation between auto immune disease and ASD. This journey is quite a trip and I am so relieved to now have a "map".

[@sarahgiggles9444]

Hello, person-that-sounds-like-me. In my case it's Ulcerative Colitis instead of Crohn's, but otherwise your comment fits me to a T. Honestly, finding other people's stories who resonate so strongly with mine has been the most helpful part of learning more about autism and neurodivergence. Knowing that I'm not alone in my experience is huge.

[@sarahferrell5458]

I’m 56. Same same same. But I’ve never had the gut issues my mother deals with. DEFINTIELY runs in our family, though. My mother’s also been talking to her sisters about Ehlers-Danlos in the family. So her complete support has been so great, now that she’s convinced it’s what’s going on. We do have one sibling who was dx at age 3 in 1982.

[@phreakyfreek9794]

45M here. Very interesting that there's a pattern like this. I qualified for Mensa membership at 25 and was diagnosed with Crohn's disease at 30. I was fairly average at school, though, since I was either busy with my thoughts or watching the other kids and not understanding how they do it. And I'm just bad at memorizing stuff. Haven't been tested for ASD apart from some tests on the web that typically tell me to get myself properly tested. Maybe I should. I just don't know where to start... like exactly. I'm wondering if others like me identify with this pattern: I'm slow with new things, but once I get comfortable, I sprint past others. And one more thing, my brain really loves analogies. Familiar to anyone?

[@Marshdweller]

can you give an example of an analogy? Yes, I am very slow at first, often wondering how my peers are completing tasks that seem like at the blink of an eye. But once I'm able to do the task, I excell 10 fold. Sounds pretty familiar. I grew up thinking I was just lazy or not intelligent. But I'm pretty intelligent, if you teach me the basics, then I go from there.

[@PaulRamnora]

I was diagnosed really late at age 48 as suffering from: - ASD/Asperger's Syndrome Disorder It helped explain a lot...especially, to myself, at least. Though, not everyone else either knows/or, could even care less about ASD. ----- I also seem to suffer from: - SP/Social Phobia - ADHD/Attention Deficit Disorder - PTSD/Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - SAD/Seasonal Affective Disorder. - Etc. Though, in reality, I was only ever 'officially' diagnosed as having ASD...; and, basically, that's it. Like most ASD folk...I like to read/study...and, the internet contains a lot of stuff about different mental illnesses/disorders...my favourite go to source is: Wikipedia.org. ---- The main reason for my reply was I found it interesting when you pointed out: 'the correlation between auto immune disease and ASD.' My current age is 60 years old. I developed UC/Ulcerative Colitis age age 25; at first, I couldn't believe it when they said that this bowel condition would affect me for all the rest of my life...; but, sure enough, the 'expert' doctors were, actually, right...; and, it really did/still does. At first, they prescribed drugs...that I was meant to take 24 hours...around the clock. But, I hate taking drugs...; so, eventually, I stopped taking them. When I next went to see the doctors, I told them don't give me anymore...as I refuse to take the drugs. They said to me, has the problem come back? To which I answered, no. Then, they said...maybe, your own condition is not so severe...; as, normally, people who don't take the drugs report repeat illness. So, they didn't give me any further drugs to take. Thus, I been living with UC/Ulcerative Colitis...and, drug free...for over 10+ years, at least. The only change of diet was I can't take diary milk, anymore...due to being lactose intolerant. But, I just use Soya Bean milk/plant based milk/almond milk/-etc. So, I can still enjoy both breakfast, and, milk. After getting diagnosed with UC/Ulcerative Colitis...at age 25/26...I always worried that one day I could be wearing a Stoma bag...? But, so far to date, thank goodness...not so. Good luck to you...; I hope you are coping well when having to deal with Chrons.

[@cdawg9218]

It's so funny to me how many women on the spectrum I have heard mention band/choir/drama groups and how being part of them greatly helped their school experience. It's almost like we intuitively seek out the activities that will help us learn to mask and blend in with others and come with built in friends who have similar interests (and are probably neurodivergent too). It definitely helped get me through my school years 😅

[@nryane]

Yeah. I LOVED choir! We got to be on TV, that’s how good we were! Diagnosed at 80, I look back and see how dysfunctional I was, while being academically okay in a highly academic high school. I took Latin, French and German and did well in most of my subjects. It wasn’t until I hit pre-med math in university, that I realized how out of my depth I was, academically, in math and sciences. I ended up with a double degree in psychology and sociology, instead, and got a teaching certificate for Education in the public grade schools. I loved being a teacher! Kids judge less than the adults in my life. I taught for 24 years, before early retirement.

[@cdawg9218]

@@nryane amazing! We also got heaps of great opportunities due to choir and drama, so many places we went as a group! And it's amazing that I too was fine academically up untill senior maths with calculus. No matter how hard I tried it never stuck, to this day I may never fully understand the parabola equation... 😅 Plus I'm a jeweller now so only geometry to deal with 😁

[@nryane]

@@cdawg9218 I did okay with high school math. Just not university math. My grandchild was diagnosed with dyscalculia with their diagnosis at 14.5, so I guess I might have a different level of it than they do.

[@chrismaxwell1624]

I hated band. The problem as I was interested in guitar. My uncle gave my parents his guitar so I had one. But nope I get Clarinet and to me it was disgusting instrument to play. The reed was nasty and disgusting. So it was the worst for me. I realized now the guitar is special interest. I remember being forced to take violin as kid and that's not what wanted, I wanted guitar. I was 3 or 4 then. I got old acoustic guitar and got it fixed up. Learning to play calms me so much, I want to and have been diving deep in concepts. I wonder know if I had been started with guitar at age 3 or 4 what would have happened.

[@princesspikachu3915]

@@chrismaxwell1624Ah a fellow guitar enthusiast. I love the acoustic and can play a little by ear.

[@robertgreenwood6002]

At 5th grade graduation, I was given an award for being the only person in the whole school to get 100% on every single assignment and test and didn't miss a single day of school in all 6 years. I had no idea why I was getting these awards and had no idea that it was a big deal. They even gave me money. I just went on with my day. The rest of my school years were average. But I thought it was funny that I was the top student but was just in my own little world and had no idea.

[@lauranilsen8988]

Haha! My daughter and I both had funny experiences where we won an award and didn't know until later.

[@katherinejones8544]

In 5th grade I got the “award” of getting to read an article essay I wrote in front of all the parents and kids at 5th grade graduation because it was the best one. Little did they know that this was goi g to be horribly traumatic for me and I still 30+ years later hate speaking in front of people. The signs of my AuHD are so obvious in hindsight, but it turns out both of my parents were undiagnosed neurodivergent so they just thought I was normal 😂

[@Htrac]

We had this gifted thing in the UK too. It was so bizarre, "let's take the most intelligent people from each school and then put them all in a room and have them do undirected group work without a concrete aim". What the hell were they hoping would happen? It was pure hell for me.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

so glad i'm not alone in this!! love how you framed it lol that's what it felt like to me.

[@dianadee4300]

Sounds like a think-tank!😂

[@ChrisRodgers33]

No gifted program in my part of the UK, when I was at school.

[@mommybrown4]

Intelligence and creativity *can* co-occur in the same person but they are definitely NOT the same thing. The problem with many of these programs is that they focus on creative, open ended thinking and not necessarily on allowing intellectually gifted students to excel in their areas of interest at an unfettered pace. Therefore “gifted” is an umbrella catch term for describing deviations above the norm in multiple types of cognition that do not all fit neatly into the same box. Therefore gifted students are not all well served by these programs.

[@Htrac]

@@mommybrown4 It was maybe well intentioned but misunderstood. Excelling at something compared to other students doesn't mean you will suddenly come up with creative solutions to novel problems. And a lot of these students who were extraordinarily good at some subjects may have been autistic and putting them in group settings in unfamiliar environments isn't how you get the best out of them.

[@kensears5099]

Yes, I've done the "Okay, I won't" reflex an infinite number of times in my life, and my innards have long paid the price.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

💔 I get it.

[@kensears5099]

In 10th grade Biology class, way back in 1973, the kids in the class were supposed to divide into groups of four each or so and embark on a month-long science project raising fruit flies and keeping records on their features, the colors of their eyes or something like that. Now, for me, until about 12th grade when I learned the trick of dispensing with the confusion by efficiently getting the "rubrics," as you put it---until that major "aha!" moment, all of my school life can be summarized as an endless tide of confusion, disorientation, an awareness something was going on here, in school, in the world, that was a closed book to me. So in 10th grade when the teacher told us to break into groups, I just...didn't. It didn't register with me. I didn't know why I would join a group, or how, or what I'd do even if I did, hadn't the least notion what the need was for me in all this. And so, bizarrely, during the entire process of this class project, in biology class that met, what, three times a week, over the space of a month or so, while all the other students were busily huddled in their groups over their fruit flies, I was doing, essentially, nothing. Walking around, lost, occasionally trying to look like I was in this or that group when the teacher looked my way, but fundamentally existing completely outside whatever this thing, this structure was, they had going. It was, yes, humiliating, and bewildering, and inexplicable because I couldn't tell how it happened, what my responsibility in it was, why I was the only kid in the class not in a group, or why the teacher never said anything. It was the teacher's atrocious failure, of course, in letting that happen. But now, since my ASD discovery, experiences like this, and there are so many others, have all suddenly exploded on my life's memory screen with clarity, comprehension, and, yes, healing and integration.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thank you for sharing this experience! I can relate with the sentiments you’re sharing here. Feeling on the outside looking in with no direction

[@kalyasaify]

1:1 my experience 😭 I felt so high all the time even as a kid, lost in a trance of my own reality and rules. it took a while to condition myself into this pseudo social behavior most people wanna see 🙄 but man, it was a painful path until I learned to mask better ^^ I still don't get group projects bc the discussing part and the social stuff takes way too much time. I struggle hard with them... I'm already slow in understanding directions lol, so when it comes to time management it's too much to handle. I can't spend all the time pretending I get everything bc I don't wanna annoy people. that's why I have to read it ON MY OWN otherwise I won't understand anything. oh boy I was such a weird mess in my childhood and teen years, even as an adult. a weirdo waiting for the next cringe 😭

[@Sienisota]

This is very much me. Walking through school feeling confused and stupid, but still doing well in tests and grades.

[@Jake12220]

Totally relatable, group projects seemed pointless, stupid and incredibly annoying to me. There should always be an option to just do it yourself, l could normally do any science project better on my own anyway, well if l could be bothered doing it at all.

[@christinelamb1167]

@kensears5099 Oh my gosh! The story you related here just reminded me of an almost identical experience I had in biology class, and I think it was in the 10th grade! Same scenario: We were supposed to join up in small groups to work on some kind of experiment. I had no idea how to join a group, and I wasn't the least bit interested in the project. I think a few weeks in the teacher realized I was just sitting there, and she asked me why I wasn't in a group. I don't even remember what I said. I do remember her seeming to be angry and exasperated with me. I think she stuck me in one of the groups, and I just felt like an unwanted weirdo who was invading their space. I had forgotten about this experience, but it really makes so much sense now, knowing about my autism!

[@PatchworkDragon]

With one sibling diagnosed with ADD and another that constantly tested boundaries, no one bothered to check how the straight-A student was doing. And because my school was large enough to have a whole group of neurodivergent kids, I was just fine. It wasn't until I terribly burned out in college that I needed any help, and it was several years after that before I suspected I was differently wired. It's a strange and somewhat disappointing life trajectory realignment.

[@atruefaith6498]

I, too, burned out with my college degree. You're not alone. I studied for 5-1/2 years, changed majors 4 times. Got married and quit. The college classes I had left were boring

[@Yeah_What_ever]

That sounds familiar. Straight A student, 100% everything, winner of awards and scholarships, well read, etc,...and a university drop out who, to everyone's disappointment, ended up working menial jobs well below my abilities. I'm 51 now, and I think I was just unlucky to have grown up in a time when autism was not even considered a possibility in intelligent females. Anxiety, depression, OCD - I was medicated for all of those (though nothing worked). One doctor even suggested schizophrenia after I described a sensory meltdown! I was left to cope on my own after my sister, the only person who instinctively knew what to do when I becamed overwhelmed in social situations, died when I was 22. A part of me grieves for what could have been if I had access to the Internet and an early diagnosis when I was young. Four decades of feeling somehow deficient, of struggling without knowing why, has been no fun at all. Still, a late diagnosis is better than nothing, and has given me some relief.

[@stagnantmilk]

I really like the unedited format! Seeing you work through your thoughts in a similar way that I work through my own is so comforting

[@maiaheiss2991]

Agree.

[@lauranilsen8988]

Yes!

[@EatGyroSandwiches]

I like it too.

[@okitssteph]

Yes, yes it does. I’m 39, and it was only this year that my new counselor recognized my autism. My story is almost exactly like yours. I used to cry to my mom saying I didn’t want to be this smart, I felt so different from everyone else. I perfected academic achievement, and no one realized I was missing critical life skills. My first job teaching destroyed me: I’m going into year five of being burned out and stuck. However knowing I’m autistic now gives me hope that I can learn what I’m missing and find the right place for my specialized brain.

[@DoubleDivergent-zz9cc]

I found out at 55!!!😳. My burnout lasted 8 months - completely down/sleeping/off work major crash! However, I’m on the other side. Reimagine a life that sounds FUN to you and find a way to make it work!!! ie: I work two part time jobs Instead of one “career” … so I can put NAPS into my day… and ranch time/horses every Saturday. Sunday is a SLEEP day after church! I work online at weird times of the day - but it works for me!!! Do a Myers Briggs online test if you need ideas of jobs!! It was 100% accurate. Then, think outside the box!!! Make your life enjoyable - however that has to look. Happy you found out before you got to 55!!!

[@lynettejwhite]

I'm in year 7 of burnout. I'm back working part time, to pay the bills. The fatigue crashes keep happening. The last two months have been bad again. The only inkling I have of how to treat this is self care (good nutrition, lots of sleep, exercise, meditation/journalling, etc.) and better social support would help but that is hard to coordinate with chronic fatigue and AuDHD. I'm drowning in half started projects to transform my life that I haven't been able to finish. It's made life worse. I'm hoping 2024 will be easier, it's my hope every year.

[@Kotifilosofi]

I was the top of my class until I started the university and realized that I had zero social skills to find a support network aka friends in the new city, plus I realized I had actually very poor studying strategies since I just had learnt everything by heart until the university, and that was the place where that was no possible anymore. That was my first major (visible to myself) burn out in my life. The second one I got when I was doing a display terminal at a hospital and again, I had zero social skills and the hierarchy of the hospital was just ruthless (what you mean, I as a student can't just talk to a doctor if he sits next to me at a lunch break like I would talk to any other person out there?), plus none of the information I had to learn was on written form but it was all verbal advices and not just that, but usually very imprecise and a lot was left to come up with "the common sense". After these two experiences of burning out, it took years of half-day job on small wage to get back to my feet, build up my professional confidence and finding a place where I can work with my full potential. I can't help but wonder if all this was avoidable if I had been diagnosed with autism.

[@Kitofthearts]

Makes sense to side step into Special Educational Needs support role

[@riccardoneri2037]

"you talk so fast" me, speeding up the video 1.5x 🥹

[@user-lx6pk9os2d]

I spent my entire life watching people and wondering "why the f**k are you doing that?" and not understanding how they simply couldn't see the patterns and how what they were doing was inefective. Also couldn't understand the massively negative response I got off them when I suggested there may be a better way. Constantly told "you make me feel stupid" and why everyone was so insecure instead of grasping progress. I know I could be wrong and embrace being shown something better, I don't take anything personally. Got to my late 40's before the penny dropped. F**king exhausting...

[@xplosivsushi]

Definitely one of the biggest frustrations. I'm not a smartass, I don't think I'm better than, I just see an opportunity for improvement and/or passing on knowledge. I want to help.

[@kristyw]

This!!!! It happens with my jobs! I see the ineffective patterns but get called out like either I don’t “get it” or “we’ve tried it every way and this works best and it’s how we do it” or even get backlash like I’m not a team player, going along with X. It’s really hard. It’s like I just shrink back into the group and try to adapt to the way things are done which doesn’t work for me. People still don’t understand the way people on the spectrum think and operate. I don’t care how much more awareness people think has been created-lots of us on the spectrum still struggle so much especially in the workplace. :(

[@TarzanHedgepeth]

Yup.

[@judyh1790]

I'm 20 years older than you and it's like you are speaking about my life story. I don't have an official Dx for autism but all signs point to it. Things I did as a kid in the 70s; rocking, head-pounding on my pillow every night to go to sleep, all sorts of food, light, sound, and social sensitivities, but it was the 70s so there was no awareness. I was also, the "good kid, an exceptional student and, like you, figured out whatever the "system" was a adapted. It's nice to know there are so many of us traveling through this life. Thanks for being real and relatable.

[@chloebunde4455]

Wow! I felt emotional when you talked about getting picked on for receiving so much praise from teachers! I felt ostracized at points at school for this. I think being high achieving in a mainstream neurotypical sense can prevent people from seeing the support we need. Thanks for this, Tay!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

you're welcome!! and i see you!! I understand - it doesn't make sense bc you think, well this is good attention I should be grateful, but it just doesn't always feel good.

[@kelly-cat-584]

The idiom you were looking for is “It’s like nailing Jello to a wall.” Autistic infodump: I know you didn’t go into this, but for anyone interested, the history of IQ tests is pretty bleak and sad. They sort of developed around the time eugenics became popular, and to this day there are giant problems with how they are presented and used. Some issues include how economic status affects your score, and being able to get a better score by taking it more than once. If it really measured generalized intelligence, then external factors wouldn’t affect the score as much as they do. I don’t think I have to explain how bad eugenics was for autistic people... Anyway, “The Mismeasure of Man” is just one book that delves into the problems with quantifying intelligence and how it’s been used to exclude certain groups of people. 🌟 The More You Know 🌈

[@idamau91]

This! I’ve never been a fan of people using high IQ interchangeably with “gifted” or “good learner/student”. The history of the IQ test is so deeply problematic, and moreover, you can score higher if you prep for it in advance - which for me completely invalidates the results anyway.

[@rgghjs9270]

Thanks for writing this. IQ tests appear to be bull. Also, not sure what was meant when she said we only use part of our brain... This kinda threw me lol. The 10% brain use thing is hot garbage

[@Kamishi845]

You're correct about this. Also, the original purpose of IQ scores was to separate students apart so the school resources would spend more effort on those "more deserving", which also echoes Hans Aspberger's research on autistic children. I really don't understand why people keep citing his association for working under Nazis why we should no longer separate autism into Aspberger's syndrome and autism, as much as the intellectual legacy behind it is what's problematic. It's still reflected in how we think of autism today, where people who were diagnosed with Aspberger's often prefer that label because it suggests that they don't have an intellectual disability and are of average to high intelligence, including the idea those with Aspberger's are extremely talented and gifted but socially quirky but it's ok because their talent is still valuable to society as a whole.

[@safedba]

You don't know what you're talking about. If anything is true and validated in the social sciences it's IQ. There's more data supporting the fact that IQ is real and measurable and with very little malleability that agrguing against the same is like suggesting Piltdown Man is the missing link.

[@skyjamb]

I was the scape goat, unfortunately and a target for bullying and teasing. I wish I had that capability, but I did not. I didn't learn to mask until 7th grade. Things did improve because of the masking. 😢

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Im sorry to hear about the bullying and teasing. I dealt with some of that too.

[@bedheadacademic]

I understand how you feel.

[@lizziegreeneyes]

Please try to be easier on yourself - you have no idea how much I've learned from you - in all the videos of yours I've watched so far, edited, not edited, upset, not upset, stressed and not stressed, you're always REAL - and you're always wanting to help and you DO HELP!!! and you're friggin amazing!!! I believe that it's going to take us to help the world understand us as people who are on the spectrum to guide those who have already done some of the research in it... but that's me and seems you feel that way too!!!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

💓💓💓 thank you

[@GenericAccountVLR]

Agreed with all of this. (And yes: the unedited, less choppy, more organic and relatable oopsies = preferable format for this autist viewer as well. :) )

[@kimbari9972]

I’m 62 and still desperately trying to get a diagnosis. My perfectionism was amplified by a father who repeatedly said, if I received only a 98 on a test, that I “blew it again.” I know I am ADHD and autistic, and highly gifted. The trifecta of highly functional dysfunction.

[@trijoh]

I usually can’t stand listening to unedited, “talkie” videos. But you did a great job talking to us about your experience and insight. You didn’t ramble or lose your direction and kept my attention the entire time! Not an easy feat, let me tell you. Even your little mistakes were endearing and entertaining because you handled them in such a healthy, non-disruptive way. Thanks for sharing! I’m amazed to have found this topic of adult autism and masking autism/adhd/cptsd because there’s no-one in my life who has been able to articulate my inner world like you and other with this “brain that processes differently” have done. I’m still kind of in shock from hearing these things from so many people tonight in videos and comments! 45 years old and may be stumbling on what’s been “wrong” with me my entire life.

[@kensears5099]

Did you ever have the subtle feeling that doing really really well at everything was your counterintuitive kind of revenge on a world that refused to ever stop and acknowledge you actually dwelt in a whole different kind of processing? For me it has been like that in life. It's a variation on "Okay, I won't." It's like, okay, there's no room for me and the world the way I'm taking it, then I'll dispense with your world and the way you take by excelling where I can, the way I can, in one, two, three fashion, and as for the rest of it, it's just none of your business then. So that's the deal. And of course all this was going on in the dark, without knowing WHY. Only at the age of 65 did I finally understand WHY.

[@MagdalenaBozyk]

I had that feeling, too. In fact, I was able to achieve things people told me were impossible for me to achieve! I got so used to it that I didn't know that I had boundaries of how much I could do and work! I realized early that my brain works differently from the "average person" and actually saw it as an asset. I tend to write on my CV that I'm a problem solver and that I can see both the entirety and the details. And that I am interested in more aspects of a project than just my part.

[@atruefaith6498]

I figured out 7 years ago that I am an angel, but trapped in a host body. I had a near death experience that showed me. I apologize if you're not religious. Just ignore me.

[@whathappenedtomyyoutubehandle]

​@@atruefaith6498It's okay that you believe you are an angel, and I do believe that you have the essence of one, whatever angel means to you. You seem kind and forgiving. But just know that you still have every right to be human. To believe you are trapped in a host body is such a human experience. I wish you all the strength and love in the world. Try to reclaim this body that you're in and embrace its energy, abilities and tenderness. Don't forget that you can ask for help❤️ you deserve to take up space as a human being and to be loved by those around you✨

[@fjorddenierbear4832]

I can highly relate. As a child in Scandinavia I started studying English by playing video games while using a dictionary. At 16 I extended this to Japanese. At 40 now, my dream is to make the ultimate video game, drawing inspiration form arguably the most advanced video games in the world, such as Dwarf Fortress. My greatest life experience is creating stuff I want to create, although future profit or reward tend to be included as motivating factors. Having just reached 40, I work online as a translator and I will not need to depend on others ever again nor need to show up at a job. I tend to imitate patterns. IQ measured at 128, but I know I am more than that because I often feel like people who self-report 140 lack dynamism, self-insight and understanding. I feel like many of my problems come from not living up to my standards for myself, which then causes my subconscious to sabotage my experience. This can be a true nuisance, but I know the way forward.

[@mommybrown4]

Yes to the revenge by excelling. Often looked down upon due to being different so excelling made it so they couldn’t dismiss me so easily. One example- studied for about a week and then passed all three ham radio exams in one sitting after being told by someone not “overdo” it when I said I might try to test for the first two at the same time. Intellect was an emotional shield and primary source of self- worth- because clearly there is value and worth in being able to excel in a wide variety of areas, even if not socially.

[@DrJennyPhD]

I can’t get over how similar my story is. One thing that struck me is the spark notes to get through English class. I was JUST telling my husband how I never understood poetry. Like, I’d read it, be able to remember what it said, but what I thought it meant and what the teacher said it meant were SO different. Wow.

[@CraigDavidson8]

Hi Jenny 🌹🌹🌹 How are you doing?

[@fjorddenierbear4832]

Poetry was an absolute nightmare to me as well. I l bet I could make my own autistic one that would resonate with myself now.

[@cda6590]

Oh my god, the way you describe your study methods... we would have made the best study pals and set every curve out there. I *never* read the textbook (because of untreated ADHD) and simply studied the homework, paid attention to the vocabulary used in the section (they were in bold letters for christ's sake), and then figured out how the vocabulary interconnected with other vocab words and the system as a whole. I used to be baffled that no one saw my autism back in school, but looking back I can see clear examples now: Like the time a fellow student who had attended the same school with me for four years picked up my progress report and point-blank asked me "How do you have a 117% in AP psych? I thought you were slow or something." Annoyed, I explained to him that the teacher set the curve based off the third-highest score and because I would get 20-30 points higher than literally everyone around me, I would oftentimes end up with whacky test scores. To pour salt on his neurotypical brain wrinkles (or lack thereof), I told him that I purposefully had to take 0's on certain projects just to balance out my grades. I'm 33, and also diagnosed at 31. Despite being a white male stereotype, "flying under the radar" was my bread and butter. I felt like I was the "mascot" in every class and "Othered" is a perfect way of describing it. I was given attention because I stood out, but I always found myself alone at the end of the day. This is the first video of yours I've seen, so I know nothing about you outside of this; but I sincerely hope that "mom on the spectrum" refers to the fact that you obtained your diagnosis through the fact that at least one of your children (likely a boy) was diagnosed and the self-research you put into the diagnostic criteria made you pause and think to yourself "Hey wait a minute... this sounds familiar..." Autistic moms *definitely* make the best autism moms and your kids have every chance to have it better than you did.

[@cda6590]

P.S. I am in the process of eventually obtaining a clinical psych PhD and although it will not be my main focus, I am definitely going to go out of my way to provide adult assessments. My plan quite literally is to sit down with the individual and open up with "So tell me what you think the autism spectrum is and why you're on it." After listening to what they have to say verbally, I will end the first session by instructing them to go home and write down essentially a self-assessment; this way I will not only be able to compare their verbal vs. written methods of communication, but also how the presence of new social situations may affect their ability to articulate what they (very likely) will be able smoothly say in written form. My main focus is going to be on helping establish effective trauma-based therapies that are influenced by already-funded and influential therapies, but altered to cater to the autistic mind and the individual in particular. Great channel. Great content. Great message.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

💓💓💓

[@foznoth]

I realise now that I use brute force logic and being over observant to get me through most situations, my coping mechanisms as I used to call them. Now I know it as masking. I by some metrics am apparently a genius level intellect that is hobbled with Dyslexia and various memory issues.

[@chrisricciardiello751]

I'm 57 and only just learned a couple weeks ago that I may in fact be on the spectrum. I always thought I was just weird or different than others growing up (even as an adult). My experiences have been a bit contrasting with those presented in this video. When these issues were most pronounced as a school aged individual, my family life was abusive, explosive, and dysfunctional to say the least. Rather than utilizing my intelligence to succeed, I did the opposite. Often I was the rebel. I deliberately scuttled my efforts in school, neglected to turn in work, or did not study for exams. I frustrated teachers no end. Ultimately, I graduated with a Regents degree with many AP credits and top 10% of my class (while almost trying not to excel). I am ridiculously empathic, often entering a room and having to turn away due to an onslaught of emotions from others in a room. I often know more about a person's feelings than they know themselves. It's painful and off-putting. I'm not sure why I'm revealing this to perfect strangers except that it may be somewhat cathartic. The well is actually far deeper than I'm divulging. Thanks for listening.

[@77tomt]

I was diagnosed this year at 52. Sounds like you may have some PSA (don’t react well to being told ti do something). Also some Executive function/ dysfunction. Results in not doing homework/ studying. Being late for things. Check it out. Get tested with a credible neuro/ psych group. Learn about your brain and take some time to get comfortable with things. It’s been amazing how much of my past experiences make sense now with my diagnosis and new found knowledge.

[@chrisricciardiello751]

@@77tomt Thanks for the support and recommendations! I appreciate it.

[@laubowiebass]

Ty for sharing. I relate to the feeling different and also sensing emotions in a room, being awkward but having empathy. Also abusive childhood. Some therapists don’t believe a person with empathy for others can be autistic , but I think it’s a limited view .

[@chrisricciardiello751]

@@laubowiebass I appreciate your perspective.

[@sylviaowega3839]

Many people find out about their autism when they are older.

[@kensears5099]

This is sooooo relatable on soooo many levels. Yes, if I could go back and do college again, with the mind and understanding I have now, especially since my ASD discovery, it would be such a different learning experience. I would plunge into it to really learn, and learn my way, for better or for worse, but my way.

[@tracirex]

same story here. twice exceptional, pattern matcher, people watcher and pleaser, teachers pet, high grades (used book summaries and regurgitation with post test info loss), no college parties, internalized ableism, stuffed feelings, autoimmune disease, heart palpitations, CPTSD, stressed, anxious, depressed. you can't define us, but so many of us have similar experiences. we are stronger with you at the helm. the unmasking course was great.

[@moonowlmama]

I love the unedited videos!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thanks for the feedback!! I'm so glad.

[@SoundSyzmo]

I was recently diagnosed at 56 years of age. I relate to a lot of what you talked about. I'm an 'over achiever' , I'm a 'perfectionist' . I've fronted a world touring band for over 30 years, I'm a photographer, song writer, record producer, I run my own screen printing business that I do all myself. It's only when life has gotten harder, and I'm not physically able to do what I used to, that my autism has became obvious. Thanks for your vids.

[@Sunila_DragonladyCH]

This... I lost many of my coping mechanisms because I am physically not able to do them anymore.

[@serenebeth]

The story you share here is totally my story. Only you're now able to articulate so well. Since my autoimmune diseases set in, my brain no longer functions at the high level it used to. I have trouble participating in your live-streams because it's just too much too fast (but I do watch you). Call me a lurker with very few spoons. I appreciate your content very much. Congrats on 100K.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thank you. Glad you’re here in whatever capacity works for you!

[@queenesreina7424]

Autoimmune issues are not easy to navigate. I hope you have a good, solid support system and are able to get the answers you need, as those seem to be more elusive, when it comes to autoimmune issues. All the best of hopes for you. As far as the "too much, too fast", could slowing down the playback speed help? (I believe it's an option, even with live streaming.)

[@jliller]

"Does high IQ mask autism?" As a guy with Gifted-level IQ who didn't get diagnosed age 40: absolutely.

[@marisacanino6931]

Omg. You are describing my whole life. How did I not understand that this is NOT everyone’s shared experience?

[@asaldanapr]

I can only say how grateful I am for your videos. It has not been easy for any of us and now to find out at 73 that this is who I have been forever and that there is a reason makes me feel at peace. And now, a big sigh of relief.

[@markwilling9019]

Well, that hit home. I'm 57, diagnosed at 52. Your experiences with school were like mine. Pushing yourself to get 100%. Isolating yourself because you did so well in school. Not interpreting literature in ways the instructor was expecting or wanted you to. Watching people. Realizing that your brain clearly doesn't work like others. Hating group projects. As a small child being "overly sensitive", but later learning to bury your feelings to the point of losing the ability to be emotionally sensitive and now, I am alexithymic.

[@WillemPenn]

Hey, can I ask what it was like getting diagnosed at 52? I’m 52 and it is just hitting me that I might be AuDHD. I spoke with my psychiatrist about it the other day and after we spoke he was like, “yeah I think an assessment might not be a bad idea.” What spurred you to get an assessment? How did you fly under the radar for so long? How has diagnosis changed things for you?

[@carinaswanberg2125]

I got my autism diagnosis today at 30 (with a bunch of other fun add ons) mostly thanks to your videos. And your video was one of the first I wanted to watch when I got home. Also I love seeing this uncut version because I can see your brain work and it’s exactly like mine. 😂 To you, you’re just Taylor, but for me you have changed my life and I don’t feel so alone and weird anymore. Your videos have literally changed my life. Aaaaannnnd now I’m crying. Thank you.

[@TheGitarrlillan]

Family members describing me as a kid and to a degree today to, I was a stubborn, sensitive, childlish "emotion sponge". I kept playing with toys at home on and off for a couple of years after classmates said they stopped, I never got to the stage of things like makeup (still not reached that stage) and even to this day I keep doing things my own way as long as it does not hurt others no matter what they think of that way. After getting the late diagnosis I keep feeling I got stuck in a combo of growing up in a time when psychologists in my country said "girls can't have autism" and me being "to smart" for my own good managing to mask all those things that both would have made it clearer to the world that I was not a norm child and that I would have needed some support from people knowing how my brain worked. My parents did a great job raising me trying to support in every way they could, but if the three of us could have gotten an extra tool box and a few blueprints some of the big holes we fell into might have been bridged. Like me spending half a year of primary school in the bathroom throwing up from stress...

[@whitneymason406]

I can relate to so much of what you said. I was a late reader and I'm pretty sure I'm dyslexic, but never diagnosed. I take a long time to read and retain what I read pretty well. I always had relatively high grades, getting mostly A's and B's throughout school. I definitely did well in English, reading, and spelling but struggled with math and science. I would get tutoring and do extra credit for those subjects, so it was never a problem to anyone. I was the "teacher's pet" because I didn't have many friends, so I befriended teachers and older people in my small town. I also didn't process college well and had to spend a short time in a hospital. When I returned, I took fewer credits and moved off campus, and that really helped me finish and get my degree. At the time, I was just labeled as severely depressed with general and social anxiety, also misdiagnosed OCD, but I always felt like there was something else missing. It wasn't until I had my son and found channels like yours on KZbin that I realized I was autistic. I also appreciate you saying what you said about intelligence testing. My son is 6 and nonspeaking and they have tested his intelligence twice now for school and reading the results is hard. Intelligence testing is flawed, but then to try to do it with nonspeakers with ADHD who are still learning to use an AAC device, I don't know how you can get an accurate result. Anyways thanks for sharing your experiences. Take care! 💞

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thank you for bringing up this point about IQ testing with nonverbal individuals. Super important to consider! And also good point about befriending teachers - I much preferred their company to my classmates. They actually had something to SAY! Less small talk.

[@Kitofthearts]

@@MomontheSpectrumsame experience with the teachers, I actually wanted to have a relationship, with one because I was learning so much more with her 😂

[@ishmu07]

"Watch this, I won't." That hit so hard. So many parallels in my life. Then you hit me with that statement. Nothing is more real.

[@saranavarro1880]

Thanks so much Taylor. You are describing 90% of my life… Putting words to one’s experience is so crucial… I sense the effort you are putting into this. Thank you so much for that, but please, take care of yourself. Social media can absorb too much of your precious energy and keep you away from being present in your own life. ❤

[@MomontheSpectrum]

🙏🏼💞

[@paratrooperz1]

i had a doctor ask if i was autistic because of my high IQ... i dont understand how this person was able to make this connection. but a lot of people say im like sheldon from big bang theory

[@zenmodeplease]

God - you are my long lost twin !! 🤗 so so resonated - almost to the details … can’t thank you enough for sharing your lived experiences and explaining everything in a simple honest way 🙏 and by the comments below there are so many of our tribe … it feels less lonely😌

[@MelBlager]

Oh man, did I ever recognize myself in your description of your school years. I had no idea I was autistic until I turned 50 (last year), and have only self-diagnosed at this point. What set me on that journey was finding out that aphantasia was not a trait most people had. How no one recognized that I was autistic still baffles me, but I am positive that my Grandmother went undiagnosed her whole life, an I have suspicions about my dad and daughter also being autistic. Thank you so much for making this channel.

[@theriddleman7648]

Despite struggling in school, particularly in high school, I achieved an above-average score on an IQ test at the age of 15.

[@SmallSpoonBrigade]

Similar here. But, I've also got ADHD and something akin to dyslexia and had the misfortune to be a white boy during the tail end of desegregation around here. I did take the hardest classes I could find, but I wonder if that was a bit of masking the issues I had with studying. That being said, I'm definitely a brainy person, or at least virtually everybody I come into contact seems to think.

[@theedgeofoblivious]

I was in a Gifted class in school, and people said "Oh, he's just so smart," and all of the things you said. I was taunted by the kids in the Gifted class even more than by the kids in the regular class. They HATED me. At the time I thought it was just because I did better on the assignments than they did(not that I was trying to rub their noses in it, just acknowledging it in this post), but I know now that that wasn't the case.

[@vazzaroth]

Wow I love that... "We're told we're too sensitive, that we're overthinking so we're like... watch this, I won't!" I realized I was told "stop overreacting" when I was about 8 or 9 by my dad and he was really mad/annoyed at me after getting hyped up watching Ace Ventura. (A movie my mom rented for me, which the fact that I overturn this moment over and over in my mind to get all the details where I 'went wrong' probably says something) I feel like my personality took an entirely different left turn then and I shut down for almost 20 years until I finally had a loving wife say it's OK to express how I actually feel. Between 8 and 20 I spent most of my life emotionally shut down and pathologizing reactions, especially emotional reaction in anyone, in really any way. I'm sure there were many reasons and ways it happened, but my story is similar in trappings with the one here. Great video. I loved GATE when we were just taking in lectures. I DESPISED GATE when we had to do group projects, holy shit. I would just beg to be taken out of the program and my mom would say "but you seem to like it?" and everyone was confused but it was exclusively because of the social demands of group projects. At least in school there was only 2-3 of those a year. But in GATE it was 1 a month and I simply couldn't stand that pressure. It was totally breaking my brain as a 9-11 year old. I eventually ended up in Special Ed for math while I was in G.A.T.E. for Reading and english comprehension and history. I feel like my entire life has been a discordant chaos-fest that never makes any narrative cohesive sense because no one knows how to handle me, least of all me! It's so strange to be praised for being 'so smart' and then yelled at for being such an idiot, trading off for 12 years. As a 34 year old man my life is fine but I feel like I deal with so much ontological confusion on a daily basis I just have no 'ground' to build from, all starting from those 'accelerated' programs confusing my expectations of what life even is. Its so strange for everyone to be telling you how easy your life must be when every single day feels like a life-and-death struggle... And you see everyone else just seemingly freewheeling around and having a fun time, when you can't figure out how they figured out how to 'cut loose' like that and still be accepted as a valid human being. (I thought I would just be 'identified' as a scientist when I was in elementary school and put in the right place one day. Then I realized many years later I, at least to the outside world, was a dumb hick from a rural area and I'd have to be the one fighting all the way to get into the right place for the amount of 'giftedness' everyone else was putting on me in the rural community. All I really ever wanted was to be left alone to learn what I want, when I want, and have fun the ways I want... that's about it.)

[@jamiepattison]

Girl! I feel like you're talking about MY life. This is insane. I've never heard anyone else say these things, and I've never been able to verbalize or even realize some of these things. Sometimes I feel like a fraud with my degree because I gave my teachers what they wanted to get the good grade, but I didn't absorb the knowledge to the best of my abilities. Wow. Mind blown right now....

[@pikachuchujelly7628]

Having a high IQ prevented me from getting bullied during school, but I made zero friends.

[@melissaskinner2199]

Wow, it is scary how much I related to this video!!! I'm 38 and have been officially diagnosed for a little over a month now. It's amazing how much it helps to have an explanation for why you've always felt so different. Thank you for all you do! ❤

[@karolinaska6836]

It's so funny you said "I'll show you" at least twice. That's pretty much how I felt when I joined the Army at 19. I was trying to prove myself. That can actually be the tagline for my life. Thankfully Taism has been one of the best therapies for all that baggage, people pleasing, anxiety, stress, teaching me to unmask without even calling it that. Since my dx at age 42, trying to prove my autism to loved ones has sometimes become a new source of frustration. But again, Taoism teaches me to accept what is, not what I think should be (and believe you me, I have very strong opinions about what "should" be, lol).

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I appreciate Taoism so much. It really helps me frame things! 💓

[@vizsla54]

“I was othered”. I never thought of it that way but it makes so much sense now.

[@0tterMom]

I was in the gifted program as a kid and always wondered why i still didn't fit in and why i still didnt understand my peers 😂 odyssey of the mind was a cool experience but sooo stressful!! I wish they had solo projects in OotM because group work is always a nightmare lol 😭

[@MomontheSpectrum]

yes a solo project would've been so much better.

[@dianadee4300]

Totally get the "not fitting in".......my school group was the theater department, but I still struggled to fit in.

[@funicon3689]

cool i was in odyssey too

[@arealdragon88]

I'm going to chime in with several other commenters and say that you described so many aspects of my childhood and school experience. I would get so embarrassed when teachers would read my papers to the class, even though it felt good it was so exposing. I could read patterns and give them what they wanted. As I got older my teachers started having problems with my "attitude" because I would answer the questions they directly asked, rather than the subtext beneath it. I was labeled sarcastic because of my blunt speech, sharp wit, and monotone voice. I could do the work but it was my personality they had a problem with and I felt so attacked all the time. Eventually it wore me down and I stopped trying altogether, and I would beg my mom to pull me out of school and homeschool me. I wish I could go back and change so many things for my younger self.

[@BelieveTruthDisbelieveFallacy]

The free form, unedited "flow of consciousness" is by far a much better delivery mechanism for you, that may resonate better with other NDs, but probably not as much with NTs.

[@dorianmunoz8058]

I was also in the gifted program and I felt it didn’t help me at all. Same stuff you did. Group work, researching bull for dumb posters. Also too with the extreme empathy, you are not alone with the ultra sensitivity to body language. I have felt like I am crazy because of this, it can be absolutely awful at times. That’s one of the reasons I struggle with eye contact is because I feel like I’m staring into someone’s soul when I look them in the eye.

[@Sunila_DragonladyCH]

About the "things you used to hear as a kid". The "old soul" one keeps popping up when talking to neurodivergent people. And now that I am in my 50s I always hear how I seem so young in mind and body... I think it's due to that complex thought process, we are always curious about everything. And about the "stress, chicken and egg" situation. Anxiety comes from a lack of safety, so it can have many causes. For us simply living is a huge stress and that's the thing that is so hard to explain to others without sounding "overly sensitive" or "making it up". Neurodivergence only gets diagnosed once something is broken in us. As you say everyone breaks once in a while, some people may have very hard lives and get broken, but we break way faster since everything is so overwhelming and painful. Thank goodness the world also has so many beautiful things that we grasp in ways that are probably lost on neurotypicals (they have their own disabilities)

[@chey7691]

I simply don't have the words to explain how much of it resonates with me. Maybe like we share a neurotype and quite a few experiences would be close enough. But that last part about only finding out once something breaks is.... Poignant and a little cathartic to see it in words. I was broken early and unlike most people here I didn't get perfect grades, though I could have if things weren't the way they were then... Sorry about getting personal, but so much just clicked for me. Even if I knew I was different, no one wanted to address the elephant in the room enough to help me. Even when I was visibly suffering. And that last bit the most true of them all lol.

[@Sunila_DragonladyCH]

@@chey7691 ❤ I also had mostly bad marks/grades, but I learned fast that I could still keep up. I was just so overwhelmed all the time.

[@jcrosslin8]

Awe Taylor, your hair looks beautiful! Also, 2e gifted and possibly a musical savant, although no one seems to be qualified to give me an answer on that one... I loved my special school and CLUE program in elementary school. Unfortunately an horrific childhood really pumped the brakes on all the potential once the trauma started eating away at my sense of self. Diagnosed just before my 39th birthday. Autism, GAD and CPTSD.

[@vanessaprestoncreative]

I heard about twice-exceptional when I was homeschooling my kids (for 10 years) and knew at least one of them was 2E ... I didn't realise until more recently that I am 2E, too. It explains a lot. About a decade ago the REAL learning began for me: interest-based, applicable, genuine intrinsically motivated learning, as opposed to studying to earn good grades and obtain qualifications. Perfectionism. Autoimmune conditions. Feeling othered. Stress, anxiety, depression. Overthinking. Avoiding attention. Masking. There's a lot here I can relate to, and I really appreciate your vulnerability in sharing all of this. Still deciding at 48, whether to pursue diagnosis for ADHD and maybe Autism.

[@ashleysmith792]

I hardly ever comment on KZbin videos. Or subscribe to anyone’s channels…But your video resonated with me so much more than anyone I’ve ever watched on the internet. Down to the most wild details. I am so thankful to learn other women out there have shared my experience and I’m not as alone in this world as I believed ❤ Please keep making videos!

[@Mountain-Man-3000]

I had perfect scores and was well ahead of my class until I was 16. I failed a midterm math exam and remember suddenly feeling like a total failure. I fell into a nasty spiral after that... The worst part is nobody took me aside to explain that most people have to work to understand thing and pass tests and that's all I needed to do.

[@caseyf6513]

Exact same happens to me. After I did bad one my black and white thinking brain saw my entire high school experience as ruined. No one understood how a single bad grade could hurt someone so bad. But to this day it haunts me

[@ChrisRodgers33]

I still remember (have flashbacks?) the trauma I went through over the single spelling mistake in my whole school career (possibly my whole life).

[@Mr.Glitch]

Diagnosed ASD last year on my 44th birthday. I also studied for a music degree, but unfortunately structured learning was not for me so I had to drop out, but I learned all I needed from the course. Soon taught myself guitar after studying drums and bass. Then ended up djing for years. Now I'm finding it so difficult dealing with business life as I learned all my behaviours from musicians, club kids and bar life. So I'm not great at pulling my punches in meetings. 😅

[@chey7691]

I've known that those who sugar coat the least tend to pull the most weight getting things done. They just value efficiency over "the motions". But good luck dealing with those stuck up suits, good news is they are as predictable as they are boring.

[@jennieforsberg4415]

Wow! I see myself in you in tris video. I just found out I am on the spectrum (Im 51), and I found out I have a high IQ through the standardized tests used within DSM. I am not kidding you. Every sentence you snare in this video contains so much details that I myself experience. Not all, but you pin point some of my secret hidden battles. Thank you! ❤

[@johngreen9699]

[Note: the following demonstrates the deterioration of my writing skills as I wanted to just post this and didn't edit it carefully. In contrast, when you post a video "unedited", you are still very lucid and cogent, as I was not. Thank you again - your work has more value to me than you could ever know!.] ~~ Dear Taylor, I think the idiom you may be trying to think of is, “It’s like trying to nail Jello to a tree.” I am SO glad I found you and your resources and your fantastic videos. I self-diagnosed at age 55, but my family (estranged wife and daughters) gaslit (gaslighted?) me and rejected it, so I did too. But I kept learning about it until I finally convinced them (and myself) that Autism was the true root cause at age 59. That was 10 years ago, but in the end, I lost my family, my career (I was a respiratory therapist specializing in neonatal and pediatric critical care, adult critical care and I was also a registered cardiovascular invasive specialist, the cardiac catheterization lab credential), but hostility from supposedly professional colleagues who were put off by my differences, cost me my career and income long before that. I’m still struggling, retired and virtually homeless, but it’s never too late to get it all together, and your resources are a Godsend. Before, it was like trying to nail Jello to a tree, but now I have hope again. Thank you and keep up the good work! Jake.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thank you for helping me think of this! Yes, that's what I was trying to say. And also, sorry to hear about what you've been through, but glad you're finding answers for yourself! You're not alone. Glad you're part of the community here.

[@memery2781]

Oof yes. I had to watch this one a few times just to process all of the connections. Really insightful stuff here Taylor ❤ Thank you in particular for drawing a connection for me on the "perfection to avoid attention" thing. It is helping me reframe a huge stumbling block I had at the beginning of college if I can brain dump a little here: I started out college at a very small school, and despite my professors noticing me right away (apparently a desirable thing) I quickly became very overwhelmed with the individualized attention small class sizes afforded. I didn't know how to explain that feeling to anyone at the time bc by all logical standards, things were going great. I've always been a compulsive question answer-er in class settings despite being labelled shy, probably bc I'm a people pleaser. Anyway, bc of this the prof of one class had picked me out as his go-to when the crowd was quiet during lecture. Again, I should have been thrilled, but instead I was mortified. The pressure to perform caused me to begin to miss classes and labs if I didn't feel 100% solid on my studies, which garnered more attention from him, which garnered more avoidance from me. I can remember days when I pushed myself to go as far as the door of the lecture hall but I couldn't make myself open the door, and instead I would just sit outside and listen, even though I knew I would be marked absent. I couldn't bear the attention and I had no idea how to explain that to anyone. Eventually I received an incomplete and dropped out. It was a horrible spiral that I never knew how to contextualize, until today. Anyway. I left the small school and moved to a major university so I could disappear in the crowd and that worked better for me, or my grades anyhow. I'm not sure I learned as much as I would have at the small school.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

YES! I don't think I talked about it in this video, but I dropped out of a class IMMEDIATELY at TCU when I realized on the first day that it was only going to be 5 people. People pay BIG bucks for that kind of attention, but I didn't hear a word the professor said that first day. I knew I was outta there. Would much rather be in a super large class listening to a lecture and doing my own work.

[@Mkognito]

FYI- Not that the edited video bothered me, but I LOVED your unedited video! It made you seem more real/relatable... Almost like I knew you personally 😊

[@MomontheSpectrum]

thank you for the feedback!!

[@junglefat2297]

I am about 1/3rds through and when you started talking about knowing you're different without being able to articulate it, I almost cried. Thank you for making me not feel alone.

[@IAmJustFlux]

Wow. . . your story is so much like mine. (Diagnosed at 33; Autism, ADHD) Perfectionism, Autoimmune Issues, heart palpitations, . . . on and on. I wish I could find someone like this, nearby to talk to.

[@CardinalTreehouse]

These videos help me to feel a little less alone and put things into a different light, which helps me to understand what im dealing with. You're doing great :)

[@DoubleDivergent-zz9cc]

I agree! Yay does a brilliant job putting OUR experiences into words and descriptions!!!

[@ChristinewithaC]

Thank you for this video! I can totally relate!

[@lenb9506]

I was diagnosed at at 42 and I'm in the triple nine society. It has been my experience that this is in fact a thing.

[@Tarynbreann]

So much of what you’ve shared is 100% relatable!! I love when you put words to my thoughts, feelings, and/or memories that I never could verbalize. 💗

[@laurenhebert4245]

I love the way you were able to dance around saying “I know I’m usually the smartest person in the room” without saying it. 😂 I’m with you there. I had a boyfriend once to whom I, unfortunately, tried to articulate this sentiment, and it did not go well. I was like “you ever feel like you’re just smarter than everyone around you and it’s really frustrating?” He did not. He called me arrogant.

[@laurenhebert4245]

I also had heart palpitations and had to wear a heart monitor. In middle school.

[@Kirbyderbylolol]

It's not that other people don't understand what you're feeling with that, it's more that it's socially unacceptable to say. People generally find it offensive when another person talks about how smart/special/talented/superior they feel.

[@TarzanHedgepeth]

@@KirbyderbylololSo… it is socially acceptable to protect retards from other retards…? Odd.

[@chey7691]

​@@Kirbyderbylolol Yeah but nearly 100% of the time when someone autistic is just saying it, it's a lament and concern for future interactions on both ends. I get that neurotypicals tend to think mentioning any "good" traits about yourself is bragging... But they seriously need to work on context outside of social expectations. Offence is only taken, NOT given.

[@Kirbyderbylolol]

@@chey7691 we can still be polite and not inappropriately point out ways we think other people are worse than us

[@sabrinalasevitch229]

You are amazing, Taylor! I’m an autistic high iq woman from Brazil and your work helped me a lot in my late diagnosis pathway. Thanks for sharing so much with us 💜

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You're so welcome! Thanks for your comment :)

[@justtere]

OMG! Not only a late dx of ADHD, but what you are talking about is me! When I first attended a community college, because I am disabled in other ways, I didn't believe I had been there until my husband showed me my books. So once I was off all heavy drugs I was on, I returned to school. I was on academic probation the entire time. My counselor stopped seeing me in real life after my third semester in a row on the deanʼs list. I graduated a Commonwealth Honors Scholar. However I was always a troublemaker. We put it to moving all the time as a dependant in a military home. Yes, I was a troublemaker, rarely caught. I am so glad I found you.

[@northern.gothicc]

The unedited style was a nice contrast to the edited videos. Both are great -- this feels more comfortable to watch.

[@anemiab3746]

My childhood was very different, yet I can relate to the feelings of being different and not understanding how. I stayed alone during my childhood for the most part. Social awkwardness kept me there. I have always been the mistaken zygote in my family. I am glad to finally understand WHY my life has been so challenging.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

yes it can provide a lot of comfort to know the "Why" though I know that can also still leave a great deal of pain and frustration behind. I hope you continue to find your own path forward that feels right and true to you! glad you're here

[@anemiab3746]

@@MomontheSpectrum Thank you. 😘

[@Kiddly3000]

also being borderline intellectual functioning sometimes hides autism too.

[@HotaMae]

My heart is so full after finding your content just yesterday. I was able to FINALLY self diagnose in my 30s after a career change into special education. The course work and reading material for my teaching degree shined a light on my differences for the first time. I looked around my college classroom and realized that while other students were learning how to support kids with autism I was finally understanding that they didn't think like me. My brain worked like the kids we were talking about not like my fellow teachers'. I've found a great deal of self compassion (after a LOT research and tears) on the other side of that realization and in a lot of ways I'm at the beginning of a new life. Glad to have found this channel. I'll be drinking a lot of morning coffee with your videos ❤

[@DoubleDivergent-zz9cc]

Your videos express OUR experiences so well. I have sent your videos to family and friends - so they can understand my experiences better. Thank you!!!

[@ryan8488]

Oh my goodness, a lot of light bulb moments for me in this video. I went under the radar as I did well at school, and as much as I hate talking myself up, my intelligence helped with this. Can relate to taking all my struggles and internalising them. I’m not very kind to myself and don’t think my mind is an asset, but I’m trying to learn how.

[@CraigDavidson8]

Hi Ryan 🌹🌹🌹 How are you doing?

[@RemizZ]

I'm not diagnosed yet but I have some very strong suspicions that I might be autistic with some nice ADD sprinkled in. Some of the things you're describing really hit home, others totally miss. I have a feeling that the way we cope with the situation might be very gender specific, because the straight A teacher's pets usually aren't the boys. I got special attention in elementary school (also got the suggestion to skip grade 2 but didn't), but that immediately died in middle school and showed in my grades and from then on, it was just trying to get through with no preparation for tests and barely any homework done, which I miraculously managed somehow. I also know perfectly well what you mean with just repeating things to please the teachers. I never knew why I wrote essays or book reports (of books I didn't even read) the way we were taught, but I knew the structure and words they wanted to hear to get by. Hearing that this experience might not just be me being dumb or lazy hasn't really hit home yet, maybe with a diagnosis, we'll see.

[@totious22]

I tried to get a diagnosis for Autism last year and the lady just said I wasn't without any testing. She said that I may believe I am but she is 99% sure I am not. My daughter was diagnosed with Autism when she was around 7 (she is 12 now) and she always compares us and it just makes me feel so seen. You also make me feel seen too. Thank you.

[@chrispetersen4863]

You have shined a bright light for me on things I never even saw the connecting dots on. Thank you so very much!

[@Hidetannerslife]

Excellent video thank you Question; do you have any information about having a high IQ but barely making it through school and college?

[@user-js5et3gc8q]

I dropped out of high school at age 17; or more accurately flunked out.When I was 18 I was given an IQ test as part of a career guidance workshop.The man who was leading in the workshop told me that I had the highest IQ score he had ever seen in his work-160.Before I quit school I was having so much anxiety while in the school building that I was spending almost half my time in the nurses office.I was basically nonfunctional in school.As a result I ended up getting a thorough psychiatric examination at the state mental hospital were I was given a diagnosis of schizophrenia.I found out in recent years that in those days there was no autism diagnosis option for someone like me.That was over half a century ago.I would really like to hear someone give a good answer to your question.

[@DoubleDivergent-zz9cc]

I get your reply! I am enrolled in college at 57 - now that I get the “process” of college. I think this will easier this time around since I know WHY I have issues - and how to work around them. Advocating helps.

[@DoubleDivergent-zz9cc]

I am 57. My parents were told to institutionalize me. Their doc didn’t have a name for it. Thank God I wasn’t sent away. I do understand your comment!!!

[@user-js5et3gc8q]

I had a very similar experience.I was in danger of ending up in the adolescent ward of same facility that I was evaluated at.As a result of that possibility along with my dislike for school I found myself standing by the highway out of town in a January snowstorm with my thumb out instead of going to school one morning.I ended up calling home from a phone 800 miles away.My parents had been worried and wanted me back home which I agreed to as long as I didn't have to see any more psychiatrists or sit in any more high school classrooms. Some years later at age 34 I took advantage of some circumstances that made it possible for me for me to go back to school to get an associate degree.I got [A]s in the college classes that were part of the program.I hope you do well in your college classes as well.

[@shaynaformity1384]

@Hidetannerslife, a few years ago I read a bunch of books about gifted adults - it's very common for folks with high IQ to struggle in school and college.

[@wickedangelofmusic]

I just got my testing results back today. They told me they don't think I'm autistic and just have extreme childhood/complex ptsd that has resulted in symptoms that mimic autistic traits. I feel like I just KNOW they're wrong. Being successful in school was a reason they gave me as to why they didn't think I meet the diagnostic criteria. I'm so upset because it was such a struggle and there was a lot of waiting to get these appointments. Do you have any advice? The only thing I can think to do is try to get a second opinion.

[@shaynaformity1384]

If you have a regular therapist, counselor, or academic advisor who knows your struggles well, perhaps they could advocate for you, so you might not have to start all over again? Even though you were successful in school, that doesn't mean you're not autistic. School tends to be a very structured place, and lots of autistic people are successful, even more successful than neurotypicals, in school. I also had an evaluation once, where I could see the person's face change when she found out I had a Master's degree - she decided right then that I had adjustment disorder, and the questions she asked after that were based on confirming it. She literally said, "You had a rough childhood, but you're okay." Another evaluator said I couldn't have ADHD because "most people with ADHD are boys," even though I had just said I read the book Women with Attention Deficit Disorder and had every page marked. Another thing to consider is whether you need the diagnosis - in the US, a diagnosis is required to get workplace or academic accommodations, or to qualify for disability, but many people don't get any practical benefit from a formal diagnosis that they don't already have from self-diagnosis.

[@wickedangelofmusic]

@@shaynaformity1384 Thank you for the advice. I am in the process of trying to get disability which is why I've been seeking my diagnosis.

[@shaynaformity1384]

​@@wickedangelofmusic Do you live in the United States? If you do, I have resources I could share with you.

[@wickedangelofmusic]

@@shaynaformity1384 I do! Yes!

[@shaynaformity1384]

@@wickedangelofmusic I'm sorry, it seems that my comment got deleted. I wish I could share where to get actual information, but youtube doesn't want to let me.

[@FlorenceNightie]

I'm so grateful that you did this unedited version. I did some webcasts to to patients and felt very self conscious and thought I was rubbish, however I got great feedback.

[@tink5337]

THANK YOU FOR YOUR WILDERWOOD RECOMMENDATION. I Just finished my appointment today and they were really incredible. I would not have had this opportunity had uou not shared

[@thechromeage]

I have a high IQ and got my autism diagnosis this week at 40 years old. Both my family doctor and my psychologist said that I had been able to fly under the radar for so long because my high IQ had allowed me to adapt and mask well. I definitely see a lot of parallels to my own experiences in this video! Thanks for sharing!

[@GavynXII]

Just wanted to say this video means so much to me. Sorry for your painful experience, but thank you for sharing so that many others can find community and understand themselves more fully! 😊

[@claremfrench]

Wow Taylor. Yep, this was me too - a perfect description. Always so good to realise these experiences are shared with other ASD people. Makes me feel sad for my younger self again, but even at it's most difficult - having the diagnosis is way better than not knowing. Thanks for sharing x

[@janejones5362]

Taylor, your hair looks really cute that way. Watching people...I scared a lady once at the post office. I started a conversation, and mentioned, You're a teacher, arent you? She asked, Yes, how did you know? So she makes a polite excuse to get out of line, saying she could just come back later.

[@HiveCreekFarm]

You described my experiences in school. Even down to the early graduation from college in 3 years with a music education degree, lots of being “voluntold” for projects and leadership rolls, the emotional sensitivity of other people, people pleasing, all of the patterns, flash card learning to get grades, always being the “easy” person and staying off radar. Whenever that mask would slip, I would jump to being “too much”. Thanks for letting me know I am not the only one.

[@strawberrysultan]

Wow, just received my diagnosis at 20 and I really resonate with how you felt growing up. I was really shy, but smart, in my own world, and have had anxiety for as long as I can remember. That feeling of knowing your brain works differently from everyone else but not knowing why defined my life for a while. I was in the gifted program and HATED it because of the group work primarily. I actually grew closer to someone from my gifted program and we have been partners for 5+ years and now are both getting late diagnoses of a host of neurodivergencies between the two of us. My partner also has autoimmune disorders. Thank you for your videos, you make me feel understood and are helping me learn more about myself.

[@JM-mj1lb]

Thank you so much for sharing this. Everything you share on here is really so helpful😊

[@archgirl7797]

I found this video so so helpful! You not cutting was so amazing in showing more of your thoughts as they happened. Your brain works so much like mine! I always feel like my brain is so different, it's refreshing to see you think like me. I am 29, on a path to being diagnosed in the next couple months (hopefully!). Thank you for sharing your experience. It makes me feel less alone.

[@reneek6353]

Taylor thank you so much for this video!! I'm not normally one to comment on YT vids but I had to tell you thanks, and that this spoke to so much of my experience. It was especially needed after being fully dismissed by a doctor because of my "high IQ." (She literally told me "you can't be autistic, you worked retail and that uses social skills") I really appreciate the time you took to articulate your experiences, it's so validating to not feel alone ❤