“HOW DO I FEEL MY FEELINGS?” ep.211

On Ask Kati Anything, your mental health podcast episode 211, licensed therapist Kati Morton let’s us know if there is anything we do that makes people think they can trauma dump on us, why we can feel at our worst in the evenings, and her thoughts and experiences with internal family systems therapy. She also tells us how to get out of a depressive episode, how to deal with codependency in friendships, and how we can actually feel our feelings.
audience questions:
1. I'd like to ask if there is anything I do that makes people think they can trauma dump on me. I grew up as my parent's therapist and feel like my friends do the same thing. Also no one ever seems to care about how I am. I've been depressed and struggling with passive suicidal ideation and Eating disorders. I'm obviously tired and struggling but no one bothers to ask about me and what is going on. Am I doing something wrong and what can I do? 00:47
2. Why is it that someone who has experienced trauma, aka me, might continue to feel overwhelmed by the emotions of it all when alone in the evenings, even when there is no threat or trigger that I can find? I normally distract myself a lot, but I then just end up not dealing with anything- I’m either all or nothing. (Ps: Due to circumstances I’m currently not having sessions with my counselor). Sorry, I hope this makes sense. 09:23
25 Coping Skills 14:00 • 25 Amazing COPING SKIL...
3. I know you mentioned before that you were starting your own IFS work, and I was wondering your thoughts on it so far? (if you're ok with sharing!) I started with my therapist about 2 months ago, and I really struggle to take it seriously and let go enough for it to be effective. I can't seem to imagine the different versions of me, and the talking to little me part seems so juvenile and awkward that I feel like I don't take it seriously and it isn't really effective. The catch is, I'm people-pleasing my way through it. I'm just playing along with what my therapist says, and I feel like I'm gaslighting her into believing it's helping. I feel like my issue is that I just can't let go and actually let it actually help because I feel so silly. Just wondering if you ever ran into this, or if you had any suggestions on navigating this because I truly want it to work! Thanks for all you do, you rock! 14:53
PARTS WORK IN THERAPY 15:07 • PARTS WORK in Therapy:...
4. Do you know what I can do to get out of a depressive episode or at least make sure it doesn't happen at certain times? This may sound very stupid and maybe there is nothing i can do. I have struggled with these episodes for almost a year now, but only in the last few months they have become so recent that they scare me. I have more lows than good times and even in my good times a tiny thing can disrupt me and send me straight back to my low. Each time it gets worse and worse and i feel like something bad is about to happen if I don't do something. Like I'm gonna kill myself or have so little energy that one day I won't be able to get up. But sometimes I really can't have these episodes. When people can judge me or I'm in a vulnerable or dangerous situation. I want to try to stay safe somehow til I'm in a better place. Is there anything i can do? Have a nice day, I hope you know something that I don't. 24:35
5. Hi Kati. I was wondering if you would talk about codependency within friendships. 32:23
Kati's inner-child workshop 39:40 katimorton.com/the-shop
6. Everyone keeps telling me it’s important to ‘feel my feelings’ and acknowledge my grief (I had an accident so grieving the life I won’t have now) but I don’t understand how to or what that really means. Could you explain how I can try to move on with my life and feel these emotions? I get overwhelmed and depressed thinking about the future, but it’s like it builds up inside me until I can take it anymore and completely fall apart. How can I just feel emotions normally? 40:31
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[@domepiece11]

Re: Distraction. When I feel overwhelmed, I watch a show I like about space: black holes colliding, stars exploding, galaxies whirling through space, the mysteries of our sun and planets, the earth enduring asteroids and mass extinctions over billions of years, etc. This gets me out of the world of people into the world of science. Everyday fears and anxieties about life change to awe-inspiring feelings. Contemplating the universe is both terrifying and oddly comforting. My problems are so much smaller. I feel closer to my creator, looking less like a man and more like a universal enigma. I see the scientists on the show like great philosophers. My existence among the variety of life on earth seems miraculous among the hostility of space. Does any of that make sense? Being reminded of life’s truly big questions raises me up.

[@ElanaVital83]

I get terrible anxiety just about doing everyday stuff. There's this Vsauce video that I watch that always calms me down about the center of the universe. The biggness is comforting! Like if I said something awkward at dinner, who cares? Look how unimportant it is! Makes me more chilled out

[@zhcoop]

Anger is often a "cover" for deeper feeling like sadness, frustration, scared/fear and often because we hold a core value/need that we feel is threatening us in some way. Anger is a product of our thinking, if we get behind the anger and find our need/values and deeper feelings, it transforms. Then we can find a request to better meet our needs.

[@edwardianspice1]

Yes. You’re right. I have anger issues and I’m in therapy. This is true x

[@RJ-hm9gi]

I'm a dude and I have my own tissues of course but Kati helps me get centered again and remember I'm just a normal human being. Thanks Kati.

[@nicolebrown1927]

WE 💙 YOU MISS KATI! THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR WISDOM ON MENTAL HEALTH WITH US!🤗

[@tamaraann5926]

You have no idea how much your videos have a impact and I truly can’t thank you enough every time 🩷

[@sebastiengermain267]

Thank you so much for all your content and answering questions! Appreciate all you do to make mental health more accessible for all! 🙂

[@Moosey0]

Thank you so much for answering my question! I cannot articulate how helpful that was and gives me hope to have a better future!

[@raikerthedestroyer4092]

I not only don’t live in the U.S. I have almost no access to any kinds of therapy and trying to use online spots doesn’t help at all, if I can’t (very stupidly) buy the things to actually get a therapist. Which is my main problem today after realizing and truly understanding that uh my childhood was pretty messed up after blocking out most of the bad things up till now. Not only feeling pretty uncomfortable with my mom (the person I’m stuck with but stay with on purpose) is one of the big reasons why I’m feeling like I desperately need a therapist, mostly a inner child help thing because while my inner child has been trapped and locked away for soooooo many years now I’m not certain he’s still there. Only due to potentially ADHD and other BS with my childhood only hearing yelling and throwing things and emotional neglect from my dads parents feeling like a stranger to them, to be met with threats and sometimes verbal abuse like “I’ll give you something to cry about” or “stop crying you’ll get sick” or or the worst is “man up” and just become invisible and crying myself to sleep occasionally and cry a lot at school my only brother didn’t help either as he would do the physical stuff like push me and other little brother bullying stuff, then it gets way worse like shooting me with BB and pellet guns making me get into a dog crate and shoving me down a flight of stairs always getting cheap shots if I ever beat him in a game. And worst of it all our grandparents would blame me and praise my brother constantly making me feel worse about myself draining my self esteem even lower, I’d constantly and still do call myself down every time I do something even the smallest thing even slightly wrong or learn something and I still call myself stupid. And all of this while being disabled and I’m a very quiet and reserved person possibly due to this I don’t like letting people in too close and risk getting hurt mostly because of my mom and being in and out of my life battling drug addiction and finding other guys then my dad which one guy she found was a real prick I found him choking her one night because I stayed up later then normal (side note my mom isn’t a “kinky” person hell she can’t even really have sex because of me. Again my disability I have CP and had a very premature birth) and found this scary scene and pushed him away from my mom as a 9 year old child! And on top of that my parents relationship was still pretty rocky my mom yelling and throwing things at my dad due to a secret 3rd child or money BS, but I would be sitting with my brother crying hoping for our grandparents (both sides) to get us out of there calling it the 2012 incident, getting most of our family there to not only break up the fight but save me and my brother. Only for both sets to show up late and me being very traumatized by the whole scene and me understanding my moms own situation of trauma I sent my dad after her a lot wondering if she was going to end it and be even even more traumatized of not having a mother at all, luckily it never has or hopefully will come to that and even now if I hear screaming yelling or something dropping or being thrown I freeze up or cry. It’s just now at 23 that I’ve realized my mom is horrible not as bad as most but still awful and never having any therapy as a child or teen when I probably needed it the most I will probably never understand how it feels to actually have professional help. (Long yes. Unnecessary probably. am I screaming into the void absolutely. Will this comment actually be seen by people who can help me doubt it! Am I mentally unwell Survey says hell to the yes!) but also I’m not entirely sure what to classify what exactly this problem is would this just be standard childhood trauma, or is this a case of mommy issues, or a case of abandonment issues, or a combo of the attachment styles (avoidant and unstable) or a fucked up mix of all of these? I again have had no outlet to express any of these and I’m scared of my parents more specifically my dad.

[@debbiev.1311]

I could have ask just about every one of these questions...thank you for getting in my head & helping me further along in my healing journey!! ❤️🙏🏼

[@SamanthaBCope]

Thank you so much You're insights have been super helpful. I have made a lot of positive changes that have affected my overall health as well as my mental health. Today I took another small step and invested in a new hobby to minimize my screen time. I started listening to your podcast while I color in advanced coloring books. YOU ROCK!! ❤❤❤❤❤

[@hadestheblackcat420]

Hey Kati Is it my fault I am depressed? I have a pattern of leaning too much on one person who I feel I trust and struggle to make friends due to my trust and fear issues. I have such a fear of rejection that I cling on to one or two people I feel safe and comfortable with. Also, I am choosing not to make friends maybe because I don't like where I live, I don't like the environment I am in and I just don't feel I belong where I am and so I am isolating myself as a result of this. Is it my fault that I am depressed?

[@melissapuckett1498]

I'm doing the exact same. I live in an area of pretenscious people so I have no desire to find friends. Any time I have in the past were coworkers. But being back in a corporate job I'm scared everyone's has an angle and isn't legit. I got out of extremely manipulative narcissistic relationship. That's caused me not to trust my own judgment. So I isolate and dissociate and then suffer from the loneliness. Being broke rebuilding my life makes it hard to afford therapy I need. Sending healing love that we both get out of the toxic loop of depression.

[@petraharwin9670]

So helpful. Thank you.

[@meganrausch8396]

Thank you, Kati!! ❤❤❤

[@Just-singing11]

For me it helps to feel all is by laying down and invite my feelings to come up! ❤

[@nikkimckay860]

Good evening everyone Nikki here joined the comments I hope people are coping with there mental health issues the best they can sending support and care plus love it's honestly so important to share and support each other no matter who you are and what you are struggling with ❤❤

[@GreyAngel786]

A question I’ve always asked myself, thanks ♥️

[@chevybob9836]

After watching a few of your videos, I feel I need better friends than I have now. Thanks for sharing.

[@nancyliawoods]

Thank you sister I look forward to these conversations so much ❤ just found you on fb too!

[@parsamohammadzade291]

My god, this woman is a super hero.

[@nikkimckay860]

AKA&OTDM podcast.Hello Kati and good evening from Nikki from uk I'm watching and listening now the time here is 19:54pm I'm so glad to see you again I am happy to be a new member of your membership your smile and voice helps me feel calm much love to you ❤❤❤

[@nikkimckay860]

I can really understand and relate to the depression question so much. it makes me feel sad iv been on meds for years for my anxiety and depression iv also been in therapy a couple of times but no matter what im still struggling still constantly fighting with my mental health what do you do when you want to feel better and get better but your exusted trying 😢

[@eduardomusic8560]

Great speech and video!

[@KisDraga]

Love long episodes! 💛🎉

[@sgwoodward3017]

I have a strange one. 30 years ago, I was in a situationship with a college friend. He never chose me as his girlfriend but would keep coming back into my life. This went on for three years. I was completely in love with him. I never refused him, hoping that he would finally want me. He moved far away, and we lost touch, for the most part. In those years we both married and a child. I am married to a wonderful man and our relationship is solid. Fast forward to a year ago. This guy moved back to out town. We, along with my husband, started hanging out and were all really close. He's even in a band with my husband. This guy has been single for years now. He has no real relationship since he divorced. Last week, he told me that he had a date. Out of nowhere, my heart sank and the emotions that I felt were the same as they were 30 years ago. I felt rejected all over again. I don't have romantic feelings for him it's so confusing, and it has put a serious strain on our friendship. Are these repressed feelings from 30 years ago? I don't know how to process this and save our friendship.

[@brankica7171]

I'm pretty sure i've heard you explain in one episode, but don't remember. My question is when you speaking about certain scenarios, why do you speak as we, instead of they? Like for example you say we as people with bipolar diagnosis, instead of just saying people with bipolar diagnosis.

[@PeaceWarrior187]

Thank you so much for explaining this. It helps me understand why other sides of me show up in certain situations. I have a Protective Warrior side that fights all, a empathic, crybaby side, and one whos always lost (ADHD side) and theres always music playing in the background atuned to that me 😂 Keep on being amazing and spreading knowledge ❤ 👏

[@stephenwestmoreland7268]

I love this channel so fn much

[@user-vi7je6mw4q]

I sleep well but still fell tired

[@ToadsNewMania]

RE: IFS I have spent hours and hours and hours inside my system trying to get protectors to talk to me. They giive me unpleasant or painful physical sensations, so I know they are there, but they won't talk to me. (Some exiles I've accidentally released will talk to me though.) During the last session with my therapist, we got nowhere. We realized I'm so blended with who we've been calling "The Thinker" that no protectors will talk because they'd be talking to The Thinker and not me (Self.) I've also never been able to see The Thinker. This morning, I asked it how it would feel about us changing it's name from "The Thinker" to "The Figure It Out" part. It immediately turned into a scary looking Viking warrior and started showing me things about it's origin. It seems much more willing to unblend. Maybe we can now make some progress accessing Self and getting parts to communicate. Hopefully sharing this helps someone on their IFS journey.

[@user-vi7je6mw4q]

Facts

[@franziskadietl7725]

@katimorton Can narcissits learn positive self regard and self compassion?

[@carleybarnes4365]

For me a get anxious at night when it’s time to go to bed.

[@MidlifeEdit]

I know folks use the word wo but I don’t feel it’s needed to say just because something isn’t some science based thing as so much has bias for something to work. Our emotions go unmet in this day because we are so fixated on everything needing to be explained when there is much that isn’t and the processing isn’t always a 1,2,3. Science has its place but so does the emotive as we aren’t robots.

[@princesswells3264]

Hi My name is Princess and I like your videos They are very informative and cool😂😂 Keep up the good work Kati

[@MidlifeEdit]

I normally don’t comment but for q1 depending on what the friend is sharing it may not be a time to go back and forth I’m thinking something heavy but the norm stress yea we should be able to hold space on both sides. Sadly society is odd.

[@user-mb3sl4qh8v]

Nights are worst time of my day. I never look forward to it. I hate it so much...

[@Yambataller]

If you want to learn how to feel your feelings read ‘Letting Go’ by David R Hawkins. Best book ever ❤

[@user-uv4ml3ju3r]

The question around 26 min sounds like me. I’ve quit all my jobs and am broke because these episodes at work. It’s hormonal pms or pmdd Total shut down and different mind 😢I hate it I suffer

[@nicolemarie1909]

Hello

[@crazigrl85]

Why do people betray others and feel they need to use us/bring us into that behavior

[@okay5513]

where can i submit questions??

[@joshbarrera8554]

1

[@j0.ZEF-Who]

Nobody told me I was supposed to have feelings

[@MystearicaClaws]

Ooooofffff. One of these weeks you won't be calling me out. This is not one of them

[@stoffls]

I am glad, you are not advocating skin cancer 😄

[@leemc191]

It’s come across that you are proper overthinking about stuff. Rather just being happy with who you are and think fuck anyone else and just get on it. Stop thinking deep and just live your life. Everyone has their problems and you’re not important to anyone else. You don’t even enter their heads. Stop wasting time and do what you want do.

[@PenixderGallier]

move on with my life?? schmove schmon schmiff schmy schmife.