"Why do I always feel unimportant?" | ep. 216

Ask Kati Anything, your mental health podcast episode 216 | This week Kati talks about what to do when a therapist forgets our appointment or has to reschedule us last minute, and why that can be so upsetting. She then explains why our self-harm behaviors can change over time, whether or not validation in trauma therapy is good or bad, and the connection between religious trauma and OCD or perfectionism. Then she talks about perfectionism, where it comes from, and why it can permeate our entire life. Finally, she talks about being a highly sensitive person (HSP) and managing our sensory sensitivities.
Audience questions:
1. My therapist who I have been seeing for 2+ years double-scheduled me and another family “in crisis” on the same day recently and I had to go home. She was going to meet me the next day (on Saturday morning) but I felt the need to push away and delayed it to next week. I am really attached to her in this push/pull way and I felt really hurt even though I know intellectually she just made a scheduling error. I also felt upset because it triggered my beliefs from childhood that I'm not as important and that I am always second because the other family had worse things going on. Also, what does family in crisis mean? I have had several times where she has forgotten my appointments. I can't tell whether it is my disorganized attachment or truly an unstable therapy relationship? 01:23
2. Can you talk about why self harm behavior changes? I’ve changed places and how I do it a lot since starting and I’m curious as to why that is? I still have my ‘go to’ spot for when there’s nothing more I need than to do it after flashbacks but it’s changed so much and I’m not sure why... 15:41
3. Lately I've seen several references from other therapists talking about trauma therapy, and that validation can sometimes be harmful in trauma therapy. I had a therapist (who had postdoc training specifically in trauma) who I asked for validation, or correction if I was not correct, because I was perceiving him as incongruent. Turns out he was being incongruent (which came out at the end of a 10 months rupture he would acknowledge existed but refused to talk about directly and openly). I spent months in limbo, operating from the perspective that it was my perception that was the issue, which really impacted my perception of reality and trust in myself... 23:29
4. Can you talk more about religious trauma? What effects does the fear of hell have on a child? I developed some OCD tendencies and extreme perfectionism. Is this common? 31:32
5. I seem to be a perfectionist not only when it comes to work but also in regards to every human interaction I have: Whenever I meet with friends or family, I try my absolute best at making them feel validated and comfortable in my present. I strive to be the perfect listener and friend, although I know that that's an unattainable goal. And I'm not very good at it, either. I get so anxious about making "mistakes" and upsetting someone or even... 37:03
6. I have a follow-up to your HSP video. How do I sort out sensory issues? I know I have some sensory sensitivities being an introvert and having social anxiety. But I also have migraines and don't know if sensory issues are because of the migraines or a cause of the migraines, or could I be an HSP, or could I even be on the spectrum. I've tested... 41:42
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[@Lemonady]

Timestamps! Q1 - 1:22 Q2 - 15:41 Q3 - 23:27 Q4 - 31:33 Q5 - 37:05 Q6 - 41:44

[@nikkir1664]

I so miss the person who consistently did timestamps :)

[@angelwild5665]

Listen and do the timestamps yourself.

[@Lemonady]

Don't worry, I'm back :)

[@nikkir1664]

@@Lemonady hahaha, welcome!🙏 🤗

[@brittanywilcox7377]

Kati! You need to know you saved my life recently! I accidentally took the wrong form of my migraine medication. For some context, being extremely sensitive to medications runs in my family. I take a very low dose in the mornings once a day to manage my migraines. I have been stable on it for 3 years. I was accidentally prescribed the extended release by my new GP, and after being on it for 12 days I developed insomnia and I was awake for 51 hours straight. I felt like I was dying. I have D/CPTSD and the over-medication of my nervous system sent me into overdrive. I went to the ER and was put on a psych hold, understandably. I have DID (diagnosed, in my medical records), and when I started referring to myself in the third person and trying to soothe myself like you would a small child, I thought they'd send me to the psych hospital, which would've been traumatizing. Thankfully, I know how to advocate for myself, and was able to communicate clearly that I wasn't in crisis- I just needed to sleep. They finally gave me Ativan, I was able to sleep, and they sent me home. I have a plethora of coping skills and have been putting myself back together over the last 3 weeks. I had to miss a week of work over this, but that's okay. I saw the GP who made the mistake and she apologized and we're working together to manage my sleep and anxiety. I also have a therapist I see weekly. I owe you a HUGE thanks for helping me learn coping skills, learn about my nervous system, and learn to be curious and not judgemental about myself. So, thank you, Kati. You were a part of my team this whole time and you never even knew it.❤

[@Wichexx]

Hi Kati! I have a question which I’ve been wondering about for a while now - why do some people like to be disliked by others? I’ve noticed that I often use the opportunity to intentionally take the action that might lead to me being disliked and I’m quite uncomfortable with being liked and praised. I am used to being disliked, it’s a comfort zone for me. The weirder thing is that I’m also a people pleaser who doesn’t look for appreciation, I simply love to help others… but “shoot myself in the foot “ occasionally. There’s a thrill in going against the stream and I can’t seem to grow out of it no matter how hard I try. Thank you for choosing to create this content, your videos have helped me a lot.

[@LyddS2001]

Thank you for answering my question and for everything you do for us!❤️

[@Katimorton]

You are so welcome!

[@yugoslava6409]

Ditto!!!😅

[@TheAlixour]

I have a weird relationship with relationships. I'm so grateful for your workshops and videos.

[@nicolemarie1909]

You give great advice

[@sujashankar1278]

Hi Kati! Absolutely loved the video. As someone from Asia, who's never been to Therapy so far,....from your video I came to know that a Therapist can be sued for Abandoning their patient. Thanks a ton for sharing a lot of insights.

[@mid5606]

You are a great therapist. Your videos have helped a lot. A big hug from Argentina ❤

[@ladybaabaa3294]

One of my therapists abruptly vanished last year. I'd been seeing him for about 5 months, and the main areas of discussion and work were my chronic emptiness and anhedonia (I have BPD and depression), as well as my constant anxiety (I also have GAD, OCD and CPTSD) and dysfunctional attachments as well as a lack of self care / worth. He was a clinical psychologist, specialising in psychodynamic talk therapy. One day I got a text from reception, cancelling my appointment, citing "urgent personal reasons". No option to reschedule. Oookaaay, I thought. I hoped he was ok and no one had died or anything. After a month, I just found a new psychologist. But I never got any specific reason, any referrals, any notice or any support. 2 months later, I got a generic email that was sent to all his patients, announcing that his new therapy practice would be opening soon at a new location and to join the waitlist. What!? THAT was the "urgent personal reason"?! No thanks! I like my new psych just fine!

[@mariedegrace4900]

Always get a tremendous amount of practical information from you... no matter what the subject is. Thank you so much for your kindness in sharing with us your knowledge. 🌻🌻🌻

[@Lily-psych]

Thank you so much for answering my question, Kati! This helps me sort through what to do next and was very validating. I definitely related to the “preparing myself for therapy” and then feeling dysreguated because of that alongside the attachment. Thank you again and stay well! 😊

[@kidwolfman]

Thanks Kati, great stuff ❤

[@Parsasays]

Kati you are awesome, thank you so much

[@vwiels]

Thank you, Kati!

[@katharinaben9922]

Ahh why aren´t the questions in the description as they normally are? The video is way to long for me to watch without knowing what i am going to watch my attention span is not long enough . Please can someone who watched it write down the questions in the comments?

[@MMStrademark]

If you look above, somebody did at least write down the time stamps. Not sure if that helps or not.

[@warrens1757]

I have FA tendencies and when my therapist blamed me for getting abused, that was very triggering as far a shame and guilt. I quit therapy after that and I feel too afraid to find another therapist.

[@indridcold8433]

I feel extremely unimportant to all. However, I do not fool myself. I am, indeed, unimportant to all. Thus, I feel no need to feel important. Why fool myself into believing I am important when I am most definitely not important. None of us are important. I was brought up knowing nobody is important. All are replaceable. Evil does often win. Good rarely gets ahead. Life is not fair. I am not special.

[@EmbraceTheStruggle24]

I've felt this way a lot too even dating back to childhood. Yes, feeling worthy or unworthy can be super complicated...but in regard to all the ever omnipresent distractions; I believe it's important (no pun intended, lol) to have people in your inner circle that are trustworthy, and to have hobbies, or at least something that keeps you going. However, I can't really speak on your situation specifically, though I am educated in ways that help me understand what others go through along with being faced with all sorts of challenges. Like for example; I took psychology courses in college and whenever I have free time; I usually go on Quora and look up real world situations that discuss even the most subtle behaviors and sentiments. And even though I am not qualified to give any sort of advice or diagnosis; I do think being kind to yourself is crucial for overall well-being and I used to think it was some sort of 'fallacy' but on the other hand, personal feelings and worthiness are something that should never be ignored, and thus, we should all try to get along the best we can, even in the most difficult of circumstances.

[@CuteCatsofIstanbul]

This is how I've always felt my whole life as well. It is such a mental relief to give up on the idea of being important or being special (what is this obsession all about??? No one is special). I am not, simple as that. For me, my life revolves around those that are important and those are animals. So my focus is animals, not humans.

[@ladybaabaa3294]

I prefer to view it like, we're actually ALL special, but no one is more special than anyone else.

[@nikkimckay860]

@katimorton. so happy too see you again and hear your voice you are looking beautiful with your hair down and pink lipstick lovely pink top suites you 😊I really needed this new AKA podcast today I have been honestly feeling stressed and overwhelmed this week having a lot of thoughts and emotions about so Meany things 😥listening to your voice reading out peoples questions and answering questions is calming and relaxing and very imfomative you always have so much caring important advice ❤💜

[@nikkimckay860]

sending care prayers and love and positive vibes too everyone having mental health is hard we all suffer no matter what your going though we all need to believe and have hope that things will get better for us in time its important to know we are seen and heard that we are not alone in our struggles its taken a lot for me to say and share this because of my own mental health we have to try and stay strong and push though it is all we can do ❤💜🤗

[@907Tia]

I'm an ENFJ and my husband is an ISTP ... literal complete opposites... so when they say "opposites attract" they aren't kidding. Can you do a video on this?

[@turquoisoul]

Regarding question 4 about religious trauma, perfectionism and OCD, Mark Dejesus is another excellent resource. It helped me tremendously with my traumas. I can only recommend it.

[@justthetip96]

Hey Kati, I am 50 and have ED and it is preventing me from wanting to date and make connections with women as it is something I worry I will feel shame. I need to deal with this in a healthy way.

[@tjcleave2646]

hi Kati I appreciate your work very much and have a question.. Due to insecurities I have had for as long as I can remember, I have deliberately tried to shape my personality and likes/dislikes (such as hobbies or music, etc.) to conform to what I think I should be as a man, or to gain the respect of others, and I do believe there is some genuineness in it all but I am constantly suppressing other interests that I feel would not be “acceptable” or would not be consistent with this ‘character’ I am trying to portray. I feel I am not being true to myself but at the same time, the thought of “breaking character” scares me.. Is this wrong? Any advice you have is greatly appreciated.

[@Touay.]

Do NOT look a the sun ... I know that isn't what Kati mean, but looking at the sun will bun you retinas.

[@tb22k]

Jesus Christ love amen ❤thank you for the message

[@angelicagabrieli7169]

Amen 🙏

[@Gemma2811]

Katie I’m asking this question because I’m training to be a therapist myself and I’m curious to know, if the therapist feels uncomfortable which is totally normal however doesn’t show it isn’t that being incongruent and not showing genuineness. I’m trying to understand how the therapist manages these feelings. Sorry if this seems argumentative I just would like to learn more on self awareness in the therapeutic relationship. ❤

[@nikkimckay860]

@katimorton . I have been posting my question for your AKA podcast for the last few weeks trying to get my question noticed and liked enough to get chosen seems my question just isn't getting anyone's attention but I understand there are so Meany questions that stand out and are important p.s looking forward to your mental health livestream this Saturday much love from nikki 💕

[@cheesybobmonkey]

Can someone give me a time stamp of where the question in the title is answered?

[@hdnelson2003]

Correct pronunciation is ga-BOR ma-TAY (Gabor Maté). Lovely man. He has an impressive son, Aaron Maté who is an independent investigative journalist.

[@kathysanders5652]

My incest really bothers me but I did forgive my father, I was 9 now I'm 58 he's dead now alzimers disease took him ,I've been through hell but God helped me I grow up in a Christian home dysfunctional Baptist home never came from a divorce family parents were married 67years mom still lives she's 92 I got 4siblings, I got 5kids there all grown up I gave them up not really good love I never was showed love from father ok I'm isolated alot I pick toxic men not no more ,I will never help guys in prison or jail I stopped that in 2014

[@kathysanders5652]

Hope I can find a better man from god and is very responsible no prison looser

[@twojastaratowidziaa7632]

Hey, Kati. Great video!! Is there any chance I could reach out to you? I might have an interesting offer.

[@vivianelle.6084]

Katie, I want to fire my psychitrist, bur afraid I won't get another one. My mind keeps telling me to get a new one.

[@dailydoseofmedicinee]

❤

[@tinauslade2508]

Is this the place you post questions to be picked?

[@lisamilby]

Wait, a therapist HAS to help you transition to a new therapist? I finally braved a new therapist after a horrendous first attempt. It started well, then she says she's leaving the practice at our third session and we'll have one more session. I never heard from her again. I haven't been brave enough to try again. The app removed the option to schedule with a new person so we had to call.

[@TheAlixour]

Here's one zinger for you others will understand: *Why is it hard to accept "help" from from others?* There's more to it of course but I like to give instead of receive emotions in the moment and in person. If I'm writing in my journal sure but in person everything's fine! (Or I'll be too shy or self-conscious. The worst is the telehealth where I'll see my mug on the screen! It's like I'm getting second hand embarassment with myself. 😂) I think I'm just incredibly sensitive but it's tough because I know "talk" therapy is a wonderful tool. Do they have "chat-only" therapy?

[@redruby747]

Me

[@Ahmed_Phenomenal_Ali]

❤❤❤

[@lsisak7651]

To be honest I can't listen to your videos without time stamps. Your videos don't normally seem to represent the title. It's all over this place.

[@anistristan1202]

Just eat some raw meat for Gods sake