keeping it a little too real with you all

[@KatherineSlattery]

I'm a 25 year-old female (also named Katherine) and I'm also ace. I don't usually tell people because they assume I'm celibate because I don't experience attraction. It feels like false advertising! I've decided to tell people when it seems pertinent, but most of the time I think of my sexuality not in terms of attraction but in terms of behaviours. I say that I'm rarely looking for something but I accept a lot of good offers (the equivalent of "I'm not hungry but I could eat.") The only thing the term asexual has done for me is release me from the search, otherwise I rarely use it as a label. I've decided it's alright to be ambiguous or vague, so long as it's not because you're wondering what's wrong or what's missing.

[@Katherout]

OK THIS IS EXACTLY IT

[@FifthAveAtFive]

This also resonates with me as a demisexual bi! I rarely tell people I’m “assessing” to potentially date that I’m demi (or bi) until it feels pertinent to the conversation or “stage” of interaction. Allowing myself to embrace that I’m ace-spec has helped free myself from my own expectations of attraction and dating. It has also helped me with acknowledging the different types of attraction I might experience (intellectual, spiritual, aesthetic, etc.)

[@taylorlien569]

Your answer to the question about ambition made me cry. I have felt so much guilt that I have so much passion but hearing you say that it's about how you pursue those things made so much sense and helped with my black and white thinking around it.

[@Katherout]

❤❤❤ omg taylor

[@Chelseamariepage]

I just found your channel a few weeks ago and I just wanted to thank you for how courageous you are. Literally, EVERYTHING you've discussed in this video (and your other videos as well) in regards to aging, the politics of desirability, stepping away from "hustle culture" and creating a meaningful life & embodying authenticity intrinsic to who you are all things I find myself mulling over in my mid-twenties and it's been hard to find people that I can have these vulnerable conversations with. I hope you know that your introspection and willingness to share online doesn't just generate great conversation, but it deeply humanizes a lot of thoughts and worries I carry (that have basically engulfed my quarter-life crisis lol.) Watching your college videos made me feel so seen & as someone close in age to you, it's so inspiring to me to witness how much you've grown over the course of these years and how you've made a lot of big, life changes to follow what feels right for you. While I'm continuing to work in corporate and mostly finding solace in your videos, you inspire me to have that same courage and lead a life that aligns with what I value and what truly feels right for me. You are definitely my comfort KZbinr & while I appreciate your vulnerability and humility in your videos, I hope you're also empowered knowing what an inspiration you are. Maya Angelou once said, “I would like to be known as an intelligent woman, a courageous woman, a loving woman, a woman who teaches by being.” Thank you for teaching by being.

[@Katherout]

Chelsea -- thank you so so much for this comment. Posting online can feel so insular but hearing the ripple effects from what I say + show in these videos is beyond rewarding. Really glad you're here and deeply grateful for your immensely kind words 🫶

[@allyson--]

Getting emotional over this comment & the courage of sharing

[@suba_rally9936]

Hello, I am ace! I kind of did a little happy dance when you said it resonated with you because there are so few aces and so few people talking publicly about it. I also had a stage of "trying" to be gay because it was clear I wasn't straight, and back when I was your age, those were the options. To whatever extent you're comfortable with it, I would definitely recommend that you continue learning about asexuality. Like you, I didn't know about it until I tried everything else and nothing worked. It meant a lot to find something that finally made sense and explained that part of who I was. I can finally explain myself to others too, when I want to (of course if I don't want to, it's none of their business).

[@Katherout]

you really don’t hear a lot of stories of how ppl realized they’re ace so reading that you also more or less tried everything else is very healing 🫶🏻

[@dreamattack5912]

im 22 and in a pretty bad depression spiral rn so hearing about how much you changed between 22 and 26 really makes me feel something-sometimes it feels like i’ve done all the evolving and changing i’m going to do but need to remind myself that is not at all true!!

[@Katherout]

god 22 was a dark time for me trust & believe that big shifts are coming

[@allyson--]

I believe in you, dreamattack! H I hope you can take care of yourself in the meantime

[@collierincolor8972]

I always love hearing you talk! I especially loved the asexuality discussion. I think for me, the ace label is really for self-clarity because unfortunately the rest of the world does not glean any clarity from it and honestly gets more confused lol. I hope one day soon that the general public will have a baseline understanding of the ace spectrum, but for now, I think of it as a lens I can use to understand my feelings and behaviors so when I'm out in the world I can project myself more authentically and without second guessing. For a long time, I didn't understand my behaviors and reactions to things and I think that jumbled my interactions with people; while I still don't have 100% clarity I think the ace label helps orient myself and take the pressure off of myself to follow the relationship templates set forth by society. That being said, aces fall in an odd place sometimes, like we're too queer for straight spaces but not queer enough for queer spaces (at least in my experience). Still haven't solved that one.

[@Katherout]

REALREALREAL resonated so deeply w this comment thank u thank u

[@akosuaka]

thank you so much for this comment omg! I’ve always wondered why I haven’t resonated with people saying labels are prescriptive or are more about other people understanding you than you understanding yourself and I think this is why! Asexuality is so usually misunderstood by others, but has taught me so much about certain aspects of myself and although it far from defines me, I appreciate and identify with it a lot for that reason :)

[@lillian7411]

Hey friend!! I am a 25 year old also in Seattle and what you said about it feeling like home was so relatable. I only moved here in 2020 but it’s felt like home since I was a literal child and visited my family here haha. I’m also a musician and I recently joined a choir which has been LIFE GIVING. If you ever want to hang out or just maybe meet some music friends please don’t hesitate to DM me :) happy new year!

[@ughmady]

i would love if you made a video going more in depth talking about journaling. i journal most days and i think it's so interesting hearing others talking about their process/style and how it helps them

[@Katherout]

i really follow The Artist's Way format of morning pages!! i talk about journaling a ton in my patreon book club if ya wanna join for the next cohort in january

[@swangxswang]

omg the answer to how to balance ambition while moving away from toxic productivity was so good. I have been struggling with this!!

[@youmeteacofeee]

Thank you for the Q&A! Such a great video to cap off 2022. Can’t wait to see what’s in store for you in 2023. (I, especially appreciate your thoughts on aging and not measuring success by society’s standards but, instead, by our own desires). Cheers, a happy new year to you and yours. ^ ^

[@Katherout]

APPRECIATE U!!!!

[@Shelleebeee]

ahhh thanks for answering my question about political organizing! would love to hear more about your experience in a full video. and ps gatekeeping your top podcasts in the spotify wrapped section? tragic. wishing you all the best in the new year!

[@Katherout]

OMFG last year was a flop for podcasts but next year trust & believe..

[@carolynt3184]

I love hearing all these asexual voices because I never get to see this. Thank you for contribution and letting me listen

[@Katherout]

few and far between it's true...

[@maurawill51]

Your videos never misssssss! Your sentiments around wanting hybrid work are so heard. I feel like such a weirdo for MISSING the office environment but… as a single woman who lives by herself, it’s where I got so much of my social stimulation.

[@taylorlien569]

I would love to learn to DJ as much as you feel comfortable please share your journey and anything you find helpful.

[@beingme7235]

I don't watch many of your videos but this time I was curious to hear if you are ace, because I spend yesterday all day in that topic in my head. It's so weird that it is everywhere but your video was not from the algorithm. It really makes me happy to see that it is spreading more and more in all sorts of bubbles and slowly getting normal. Thank you for saying

[@dameazize]

I also find "asexual" (personally) to be a confusing term to take. I personally feel what I would call "neutral" to sex- I have no strong urge towards having it and no desire to actively seek it out. But, I am also not completely disgusted by it, and if a partner wanted to do it I would probably be up for it occasionally. And there are occasions where I have had urges. I always found asexual to convey the wrong term for me, because I feel like it communicates either sex repulsed or that it's a feeling I can never have ever, but I also feel like there is no good term in English to describe "generally uninterested in sex that differs from my observations of how other people desire it, but also not a thing I would be against in all cases always".

[@allyson--]

slay

[@Puglover480]

This is EXACTLY how I feel thank you so much for putting it into the perfect description

[@Katherout]

YUHHHH asexual hive is assembling in this comment section 😊

[@jacobsoto7228]

Low sex drive maybe?

[@briandbenson]

I’m definitely getting Botox, probably this year. I just hate the crow’s feet. But everyone doesn’t need to, and indeed should not, do what I do.

[@333ma3]

the wet leg lyrics in the intro made me smile so hard!! 😊😊😊

[@sterlingmarshel6299]

We you said Seattle with a smile, it made me smile. I feel the same way. I left LA 14 years ago and can't imagine living anywhere else. I love the record reference A and B side.

[@Courtney6]

I just turned 40 in august and the age thing hit me the second the clock ticked over. It was a really weird thing to “officially” be middle-aged and to carry that persona of a middle aged woman/mom as society has portrayed it to be when I go out. I’ve been telling myself it’s all in my head but it got there somehow. I still feel like I’m in my 20’s, I just know more now. Aging is really weird and complex and you can’t really understand it fully until you get to those milestones. Even at 39 I thought it was all good. Lol. My grandma told me if she could go back to a decade it would be her 40’s so that lit my fire a bit.

[@Katherout]

this is exactly what i meant when i said my thoughts can only be half baked rn! i fully believe my attitudes will shift in the decades to come

[@thejasonmoss]

Loved the video. Very relatable! Been in seattle for less than a year but it’s home. ❤

[@ThrivingNotDying]

So I used to identify as demisexual and recently my sexuality has been throwing me for a loop. I used to say that I need to get to know someone first before I develop an attraction to them BUT thats been proven otherwise. So I'm a 30 something who is choosing not to label myself, much to my therapist agreement. I also am on the verge of going back to work full time after an illness and let me tell you, I don't want to but I have to. Trying to find a job that pays me full time pay for part time work 👀 Only time will tell if I do find it.

[@FifthAveAtFive]

As a 30 year old that does identify with demisexual and bisexual, I know exactly what you mean! I still prefer ace-spec as my real label that I can understand bc I know I’m not fully allosexual and am mostly demisexual in needing an emotional or intellectual/spiritual attraction before I form a sexual attraction, but sometimes there is that unexpected person and I’m like “oh this is how allos feel” which has maybe happened 3-5 times my whole life. Since I’m also under the non-binary umbrella, I just say I’m queer. Like all of my gender and sexual-romantic identities are queer. 😆

[@ThrivingNotDying]

@@FifthAveAtFive Yes that unexpected person happened to me recently and I freaked out and said "what is happening to me?" 😅 Needless to say I had a lot to unpack when I talked to my therapist next. Glad to know I'm not the only one.

[@Katherout]

full time pay for part time work is the david graeber “bullshit job” IDEAL

[@FifthAveAtFive]

@@ThrivingNotDying Having that unexpected person is actually what helped me start questioning if I was ace spec bc I just assumed I was allo and whenever someone said another person was hot it meant they appreciated their beauty as a human being or liked their aesthetic, not a “oh I feel a sexual pull to this complete stranger”. When I talked about it with friends, I realized I was never allo. 😅 The I pushed it offf into a corner cause I was still freshly out and accepting my bisexuality so working through different levels and types of attraction was not something I could deal with then. Haha. You are definitely not alone. Attraction is confusing as heck. 🙃

[@aurorapavlish-carpenter3978]

I've felt so much pressure to have to "figure out" my sexuality and questioning if I'm asexual, but I think the term that I like the most now is just queer. Because basically all it means is I'm not straight which makes the most sense to me right now and has really lifted the pressure of finding my exact identity

[@FifthAveAtFive]

I love being able to see how our journeys mirror one another’s and those of others that view your videos. I also love that you are younger than me having thoughts that I started having when I was already in my late 20s and continue to have now as a 30 year old. Your comments about ambition resonate with me because I am ambitious in the things I’m passionate about and luckily I have the support of my family to try and make them my career. I know it’s slow going and I won’t see my desired results in my lifetime but I’m a full believer in unraveling a small knot in the knotted mess that is the world in your lifetime. I have a book recommendation that relates to your asexuality/queer/questioning journey. “Let’s Talk about Love” by Clair Kann is YA fiction book with an ace protagonist. I have found reading a mix of fiction and non-fiction (and Reddit occasionally) has helped me find answers within myself regarding my sexuality and gender identity (demisexual, bisexual, librafemme to be precise). Wishing you all the best in the new year, full of constructive challenges, comfort, and joy.

[@Katherout]

unraveling the small knot! huge! thank you for the recs 🫶🏻

[@Lolzadoodle8484]

Super late to this video because I was visiting family abroad during my unemployment year (more of an emotional trauma-forced unemployment from post-undergrad paralysis and lack of emotional health) *but* I can affirm the ace vibes

[@fromthediningtable]

i loveee charli so much too! i saw her for the first time this past summer and she was amazing

[@Katherout]

she’s the best

[@Chelseamariepage]

Also- if you have any book recs on the politics of desirability it would be greatly appreciated!

[@rdrd5907]

I love your Q & A. Can you make this a regular thing and do a monthly Q & A by collecting questions from us all month...then draw them from a hat !!

[@Katherout]

luvvvv hats. i do these over on my patreon live streams!

[@biabaer]

Thank you for answering my question! ❤

[@peacenllamas]

Ahhh I love that you screenshotted Abbott elementary for the ambition portion of the vid 🤣😋 but preach!! Agree on your comment about ambition

[@Katherout]

it’s such a fresh but classic show i don’t know quinta does it

[@isaac3252]

I love your hair.

[@Katherout]

thank u!

[@bakerandstars]

The boot of labor sounds like merch material to me hahaha

[@Katherout]

if only making anti-capitalist merch didn’t feel so dissonant lmao

[@BoomerBlogging]

Great Vlog Katherine! Thanks for all that you gave us in 2022 - and - my sincere best wishes to you for health and happiness in 2023! Let me leave you with some points of jib jab that a close friend left with me before he passed on many years ago; (1) Enjoy even the mundane (2) the quicker you get out of your own way in life the quicker you will find happiness (3) Be selfish and perform one random act of kindness each and every day - actively wake up looking to do so. Stay beautiful Katherine - Steveo out!

[@alexhika]

So many interesting points, I could listen to you talking for hours! But as a fellow ace person, it's so good to hear and read more people talking about their experience every day 🥺 for me, finding out about asexuality was felt like finding the words to describe how I have always behaved and perceived relationship. Coming out as bisexual was an ongoing party (still ongoing if you ask me XD) because I had to deconstruct my idea of...well, everything. But I can't even say I came out as ace, it's more like "now when I am in a queer space it will only take a few words to describe a part of myself" 😂 Does it make sense? :")

[@OG2NV92]

When your happy it makes me happy you have a loving smile im gladyour doing well ☺ happy new year and all the best to you and your family and friends wish you all the best in the new year

[@mimmi8959]

I'm 26 and still so confused about my sexuality. I just can't figure it out and my feelings tend to contradict one another. It's not great because I feel a connection to people under the lgbt+ spectrum but it hard to truly feel like I can be part of it when I don't have a clear identity, and even if I did, it wouldn't be one that's accepted as integral to that community either. Like, I mostly identify with asexuality, though I always feel like I'm "not ace enough". And even if I felt like I was ace enough, I still wouldn't feel like I was queer enough. It's also hard to identify as asexual without having to talk about sex with people who you wouldn't exactly be comfortable doing so with. If someone asked me now, I'd probably say my identity is "confused", which once again doesn't exactly facilitate striking up a bond with someone over sexuality. Not that you have to. But it would be nice to be able to feel like you fit into a group or even understood yourself. Thank you for sharing your experience!

[@petit-chou]

omggg just watching this vlog now but we're totally in the same boat with Charli lol, I hope I can see her live soon!!

[@erock.steady]

hey happy holidays - don't trip. sounds like you and i are a lot alike... straight, but not narrow. don't let them make you something you're not.

[@SyreLikeAFire]

thank u for reassuring us that ur not rose from get out🙏

[@Katherout]

she's not me and i'm not her 🙅‍♀ trust

[@safety_sid]

Lifelong Alaskan Here! Lemme know if you end up in Alaska in 2023! I may be able to make some great suggestions on fun things to do and great places to check out when you're here 👍

[@NFSMAN50]

Hello Miss Katherine, You are a good person and a friend to me and chat, im a man of color and I always enjoy your community lots, I always feel safe here. I also agree with you on the Hybrid work too friend, I also want a job like that too!! Good video!!

[@Katherout]

[@AverysMoneyMoves]

charli was my top artist of 2022 as well LOL we love to see it

[@Katherout]

it's charli baby....

[@jessmess7981]

i relate so hard to your thoughts on being ace. I'm in the same boat i think? I def consider myself acespec but also have some feelings of shame around it. I also don't like how it's not such an understood label, so I get how it doesn't feel helpful for you. I wish it were more widely understood, so that I don't have to explain how my sexuality feels to me

[@NoranMorsi]

thank you for plugging your tiktok because i somehow was not following you on there ?? and as a fellow ex-wellbutrin baddie i was curious!

[@Katherout]

hit u with the follow back so fast noran

[@marylemma9932]

Had to pause the video and listen to chaise longue before resuming 😆

[@Katherout]

THANK U. the appropriate response

[@mrboyd720]

Wet Leg is Life

[@Katherout]

THANK U

[@winnie4742]

where are the overalls from?!

[@Katherout]

free people! they still have em after two years cause they’re excellent

[@agnese16]

one thing i dont understand is the connection bretween realizing you're not romantically/sexually attracted to women to understanding you're asexual. cause you can still be gay/straight/bi/not be attracted to women/be attracted to women while being asexual. if you dont feel romantic attraction towards no one that would fall more under the aromantic umbrella. no hate ofc just fun to talk about it cause i also identify as asexual

[@howisitnot0]

What is the name of the book on asexuality you read? I’d love to check it out

[@Katherout]

"Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex" by Angela Chen!

[@justthatpm]

omg learning to dj is on my list of things to delve into next year. we should get a group going lol would love a learning buddy

[@Katherout]

OK YEAH.....

[@wandsandwanderlust]

I love your point about prefiguration and modeling the world we want to live in as much as we can now. It applies to so much and it’s just so actionable.

[@oliviamarie5285]

🤎💜

[@zookaton2940]

I want to DJ next year too.

[@blacksheepyoga]

that y = mx + b :)

[@RiannaKuenzi]

Have you heard of Socialist Alternative?

[@pizzaearthpancakesandother2549]

Be careful with tats and aging. Your Justin Bieber ink today, may be a deep regret in a decade. Ask me how I know.

[@sterlingmarshel6299]

live for today not the future that may or may not be there

[@jacobsoto7228]

If you have no desire for sex ever in your life with anyone and basically you can be single all your life, then you're asexual. If you have a low sex drive but feel attracted to men and women, you're normal just with a low sex drive. I would get your hormones checked just to make sure you're not socialized into thinking you are this way. Watching videos and saying you're this or that because social media tells you to sound like it goes against what is actually you're feeling. Generally, if you are asexual, you're also sexually repulsed usually. If that's true, you're most likely ace. Most aces I met are sex-repulsed. I would say it is valid but abnormal. Sex is natural for bonding. It is not the only thing but it is the core foundation. Just a suggestion but it is up to you.

[@eltorocal]

You're one helluva' Woman... ...now go out there and make someone Lucky... for awhile.