Theresa is Repetitive! A Book Review of Empress Theresa | Part 2

[@aztal6961]

Re: A woman doesn't mind dying so much if she knows her body will be preserved. I'm Theresa the ghost, and I hope it's not bragging to say I was cute as heck as a corpse. Everybody at my funeral said so. Mine was the most photographed burial service in the history of Framingham, Massachusetts because besides being cute I had far fewer signs of decomposition than anyone else in the mortuary. All the embalmers expected great things from me.

[@Sarah.Riedel]

This is wonderful when is this hitting shelves

[@k.morningstar7983]

Why try to alter the words of a master: in the words of the great Frank Reynolds: "...A dead body is like a piece of trash. I mean, shove as much shit in there as you want. Fill me up with cream, make a stew out of my ass. What's the big deal? Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little pieces, throw me in the river. Who gives a shit? You're dead, you're dead! Oh shit! Is my mic on?"

[@danielbergonzi7319]

Reminds me of The scene in Fedora when She says Anna Karenina Isn't realistic because No Woman would choose an ugly way to die,

[@CatharDameth]

Absolutely love how Empress "Not vain like the other grills" Theresa is okay with dying but not with being ugly.

[@R3stlessNWild]

Preserved for whom? Necrophiliacs?

[@solomosos5230]

"A woman doesn't mind dying so much if she knows her body will be preserved." We mind, we _really, really_ mind

[@Sakkeru96]

Honestly? I'd be much happier dying if I knew my body would be destroyed than preserved. The idea of anyone keeping my body preserved after I've lost all say in it (being DEAD) is creepy as fuck

[@tVt2000]

That was the creepiest line in the book

[@kodileigh9210]

r/nothowwomenwork

[@TheSleepyGrove]

Also, what happens if I want to be an organ donor?

[@angelsartandgaming]

Maybe it's the thanotophobia speaking, but I'D REALLY MIND THANK YOU. Also I want my ashes in one of those planters that are being used to plant trees.

[@obviousghost5895]

This is hardly the creepiest thing in this writing, but the way the author is CONSTANTLY referring to Theresa as a "good girl" just gets more and more uncomfortable every time

[@The_Chef2511]

Especially since I'm pretty sure Krimson was right about it being written with one hand.

[@warhawk9566]

it's like he's got Theresa locked up in his basement and is trying to stockholm syndrome her. "You want to be a good girl don't you, Theresa? Then don't talk to the media. Good girls don't talk to the media. And Theresa is a good girl."

[@Headsetmeister]

It reminds me a bit of Bonesaw from the webnovel Worm by Wildbow. She has this good girl-stick going on while she is cutting up people because Jack Slash forced her to torture her parents. Essentially he killed them and then she revives them through her powers and then he kills them again until Bonesaw broke.

[@soulthesassyassassin3616]

Kristian Hellwege time stamp, please

[@jessnalulila5552]

@@soulthesassyassassin3616 I think he said that on the previous video, during the wedding dress part

[@YouWillBeHappyOrElse]

New headcanon: Theresa did die and was replaced by HAL. The mess on the ocean's surface was actually her body; HAL simply replicated it. Everything before that scene was HAL's clumsy alien way of setting up its chance to replace her; everything after is HAL's clumsy alien way of trying to act human. It's why she is so intensely stereotypical sometimes, at other times completely inhuman, and at all times devoid of empathy. Change my mind.

[@ObiWahnKnobi]

That's one of the most reasonable theories about the whole mess.

[@rowandoyle7]

I'll one up you, HAL took over her body as a baby after watching humans from afar. She's too weird before dying to explain everything away with just that, I think.

[@artyomsaveli9681]

That *would* make more sense. Though I'm not sure if that'd help the plot any further.

[@thiccphrog5997]

Based HAL

[@ouijacorn]

I thought about this comment as she was describing how amazing she looked in the interview and it made it a thousand times more interesting. HAL's just like: "Look. At my ASS."

[@AutisticAccountant]

"If you don't want to write about something, then don't write about it." The saddest part about this statement is the fact it had to be stated...

[@omega1575]

Autistic Accountant how is this 3days old? KZbin says it’s been up for an hour

[@FuugaNatsu]

@@omega1575 Guessing early access for Patreon patrons.

[@pinecone9619]

Autistic Accountant remember misery?

[@SuperSupper2]

Unintentional super cyclical statement

[@ridergilwin1494]

Wait what the fuck?

[@RDragon1]

"People with problems don't change the world." That has to be one of the dumbest lines I've ever heard. I feel dumber just from hearing it.

[@kunolacarai]

It explains all the problems with the author, though.

[@GameTavern2224]

On a totally unrelated note. It was said that at least two of the U.S were autistic

[@TheCow-j1l]

Yeah, because most historic leaders didn't have personal pr mental problems. They were perfect people without any problem.

[@Ju-xw4gh]

Why would someone without problems even want to change the world?? Don't we usually change the world because something's wrong? I'm so confused by this line

[@azirul9311]

@@Ju-xw4gh exactly. It's like saying only people with cancer should try to find a cure. It's complete bullshit

[@komrad313]

Cat: "It is lap time" KrimsonRogue: *Starts reading Empress Theresa* Cat: "Lap time is over"

[@scouttyra]

The cat is horrified by the book.

[@katherinealvarez9216]

scouttyra good instincts, kitty.

[@geektailor814]

I just started the video. My cat just left.

[@gunmunz]

Cat: Hooman looks stressed, time to comfort! *sees empress Theresa* Cat: You're on ya own hooman.

[@vizthex]

ikr

[@tulangkerangka1599]

The irony of her being a literal depiction of the anti-christ while the author is insisting that she is such a GOOD catholic girl

[@n.clampitt]

Norman seems like the kind of Christian who sees assholery as virtuous behavior.

[@beepbeeplettuce5890]

i mean forcing people to believe what you do under threat of destructon and suffering is very catholic

[@crestothegecko6279]

Yea... now that you mention it she is akin to the anti christ... In fact i don't think i remember anything she did that was inherently altruistic. Everything she did seemed motivated by some personal desire within herself rather than an urge to do good because it's good It's exactly what the devil and the antichrist stand for and the fact he wrote her as a he did is... i don't even know the right word. Ironic? Prophetic? Idk but satan is cackling that norman got christian ideals across in such a faux and self serving way

[@krle7970]

@@beepbeeplettuce5890*Conquistadors in Mexico intensifies*

[@None-Trick_Pony]

Not only does she fulfill almost all requirements of the Anti-Christ, throughout the book she repeatedly commits all of the Deadly Sins while proclaiming her goodness and devotion to God. It's not irony, it's bad writing. The author has such a baffling lack of self-awareness that the protagonist can only be read as one of the stupidest humans that has ever existed. Even Hitler's plans to use non-existent units to fend off the Soviets in the middle of razing Berlin made more dozens of orders of magnitude more sense than anything Theresa said or did.

[@Raw774]

I like how to revive Theresa they just reheated her like a bowl of soup

[@ryokiritani4187]

The put her in the fucking microwave

[@artsyscrub3226]

@@ryokiritani4187 Make sure it's only for 1 minute or she will get to warm

[@DonnaBrooks]

LOL!! I haven't even watched the video yet & your comment made me laugh! Thanks!

[@jackhazardous4008]

They put her on the heat rack all day

[@capitalism8381]

I mean, she does have the IQ of a Campbell's Tomato Soup. So does the author now that I think about it.

[@Tess1596]

"The room was heated to 105 degrees" Since the English use Celsius, not Fahrenheit, they're basically cooking her.

[@ruyekahatori3073]

(slaps Theresa in a 105 Celesius room) this chick COOKED

[@skyblade7438]

*Tries to resurrect Theresa* *Incinerates her body*

[@AnnekeOosterink]

@@skyblade7438 I mean, 105 C is very low oven temp/boiling water. So incineration is still a ways off.

[@joshuarieder2865]

They boiled her like fuckin' pasta.

[@alexandergrochoski7860]

Reheating her like leftover pasta

[@vinnie906]

HAL is universally stupid, but somehow he is OP powerful and immortal. Conspiracy theory: HAL is the main character of Onision's third book.

[@helloill672]

Nah, he wouldn't bond with a religious person.

[@KaiKrimson56]

@@helloill672 He would if he can completely take over them, fight God and aliens as well as have his way with the female body he possessed.

[@helloill672]

@@KaiKrimson56 Oh, they yeah he would do that

[@Lucifersfursona]

@@helloill672 no wait he can “fix her’ That’s Greg’s entire criminal timeline.

[@v0Xx60]

Sooooooo HAL is Azathoth? That might explain a few things...

[@NicholeParker]

The way Theresa is always a “good girl” makes me forget the main character isn’t a dog. Then she says stupid shit and I miss the dog

[@Flareontoast]

But like. Picture if she was a dog and everyone just makes up her dialogue with one of these apps that "translate" barking .

[@thequeenofcringe1585]

If this book was about a dog named Theresa that had magical powers from an alien, I think it would be much better.

[@katatonikbliss]

new headcanon: Theresa was a dog the entire time what a good girl :)

[@L_mattox]

@@thequeenofcringe1585 I wanna write a story like that, because it would be cute, and it would piss off Norman the pervert.

[@stoppickingurnose7852]

@@L_mattox Shut up and take my money!

[@thefastestsluginthewest6505]

This book, touted for having "no violence," has a scene where thousands of sharks are engaged in an orgy of cannibalism while being shredded by machine gun fire, and you totally just glossed over that. it's glorious

[@Ramsey276one]

It’s not violence if it is not against HUMAN BEINGS

[@thefastestsluginthewest6505]

@@Ramsey276one ok

[@sugarm1860]

Sometimes you gotta pick and choose your battles when it comes to reviewing the most horrible book ever

[@AndrewChumKaser]

Not to give norman any credit, but an auto defense matrix that shreds nearby sharks into chum is metal as fuck.

[@raptorjesus6120]

@@AndrewChumKaser The only problem here being that after free-falling from a height of 54,000 feet, Theresa would have been lucky to be recognizable amidst the chum.

[@Nekokittybird]

For a guy saying she's a good Catholic girl, she does give alot of Anti-Christ vibes. Everyone loves her, worship the ground she spits on, performs miracles, and seems to rule with full authority. Alittle worrying for a Catholic protagonist is all I'm saying.

[@Katherine_The_Okay]

Yes, but was she raised by an American diplomat?

[@littlearies3862]

Not to mention, she has this odd other being inside of her.

[@morganrobinson8042]

People who fetishize Christianity without irony tend to not have anything resembling self awareness.

[@ehmeh6537]

Kat K her family can afford seemingly big house with a backyard in New England so... ex-diplomat maybe? And Theresa seems like a name satanic nuns would come up with.

[@akatsuki3399]

Now that could have been interesting. If towards the end it was revealed that she was the fucking anti-Christ?? The book would still be terrible, but at least it would be an interesting concept.

[@homestylealchemy]

Um.... as an actual diver, if sharks ever became "chum" or "giblets", then the living ones will actually avoid any area in which they can smell their own dead. So this whole "pool of shark blood" thing is impossible....

[@beanieguitarguy4070]

I was mostly upset about all the poor dead sharks in the book. :c

[@jackhazardous4008]

That was the one thing that actually seemed pretty cool.

[@homestylealchemy]

@@beanieguitarguy4070 lol! Right? Not Cool! I love sharks, thank you!

[@kylamamber9080]

I'd be so happy if for once the good sea creature was the shark and the bad sea creature was the dolphin.

[@whatteamwildcats4033]

@@kylamamber9080 exactly a dolphin can open a can of whoopass easily and people just don't acknowledge it

[@SirTopHat_III]

I just have to imagine a better, black comedy type of story wherein Theresa is written the exact same way but all the other characters are written realistically. " 'You should've seen the little black nothing dress I wore when Steve entered my dorm room!' The technicians and government men forced laughs, hoping more to appease the omnipotent alien-thing inside the strange young woman. To their relief, it might not have understood how botched an attempt at humor her joke was. "

[@gracekim1998]

That would be an improvement 🤔

[@cam4636]

@@gracekim1998 An incredible improvement

[@eiffiedarkness649]

That sounds super funny

[@BestBetterBestest]

"We should explode the north pole!" Said the goddess. Her thick, greasy, and untamed brown hair shadowed her eyes, making her look even more insane then usually. Steven gulped audibly. "Yes dear." He said. Fear laced his every word.

[@royalhydra9790]

@@BestBetterBestest The end of the book would be where she wakes up and gets force fed buckshot.

[@dr.anderson1847]

Just as a reminder, this guy mocked 'To Kill A Mockingbird' by saying that it was too drawn out. Really the pot calling the kettle black.

[@shaydawn7376]

Really the pot calling the kettle black, except the kettle is an acclaimed masterpiece and the pot is just a pot.

[@oz_jones]

@@shaydawn7376 Both are trash though.

[@GameTavern2224]

And "To kill A MokingBird" is an American classic. This is filth. FILTH

[@RaeIsGaee]

@@oz_jones To Kill A Mockingbird at least held substantial value in American culture and aided the fight for Civil Rights, whereas Empress Theresa is jackoff material for a sixty year-old compulsive liar.

[@Nerobyrne]

Probably never read "The Lord of the Rings", the first two books (which make up the first of three volumes) is like the walking simulator of books ^.^

[@darcyarden9704]

"I was born. I did some stuff. I was atomized by a bomb." should have been the opening line. How much more engaging would the story have been if we started on the plane, with a kidnapped girl who is about to be blown up by government agents? The reader would want to know why she's been kidnapped and why these people are going through such lengths to kill a seemingly ordinary girl. Especially if Teressa herself doesn't know about Hal yet, so we can learn about everything with her.

[@isdrakon9802]

That would require some delicate pacing and even more so exposition

[@charlesboudreau5350]

Part of me fears it would be even worse to start with such promise, to then be disapointed by the rest of the book.

[@flyingfish5054]

that would require authorial skill

[@darcyarden9704]

@@slevinchannel7589 Alright. Not the sentiment I was going for, but I think one way or another we can all agree this book is bad in every way it's possible to be bad.

[@slevinchannel7589]

@@darcyarden9704 Nah. It does not have S-Scenes!

[@danielle91]

Theresa: "They were universally supportive." Also Theresa: "SoOoOo many assassins are after ME."

[@Yawyna124]

Also also Theresa: *Has websites made to dunk on her while in High-School*

[@bweebi]

I will say, I think the most visually striking description in the entire book is an unconscious Theresa lying on a pocket of shark corpses and blood in the middle of the ocean, while HAL just passively tears anything that comes near her to shreds. That’s pretty fucking badass, too bad Norman doesn’t expand or capitalize on it in any way lmao

[@ScornedScallopes]

For me, it has to be her dragging a black garbage bag full of Coke bottles

[@madeliner1682]

Unfortunately that's not even how sharks work past the initial round. Chumming the water with shark flesh spreads some kind of shark stress hormone or pheromone that sharks instinctively dislike and avoid; this is part of why illegal shark fin hunting is so disruptive to the environment - by butchering sharks for their fins en masse in the open ocean, the shark population gets pushed closer and closer to the shoreline and they end up having more contact with humans just by virtue of being in closer proximity a lot more often

[@devilishjester7718]

​@@madeliner1682tbh i think most animals will avoid a bloody pile of corpses of their own species

[@anzaia2164]

I find that image almost inspiring, I am slightly tempted to steal it, even. It's way too cool to stay confined in this book

[@Max-gb9nz]

Norman: Oh God, will Empress Theresa be widely acclaimed as the masterpiece that it is? God: ✅ seen 3:29 AM

[@ruyekahatori3073]

funny thing is on his website he boasts about how hes sold less than 1000 copies since the book came out, half of them being this year alone (i think because of Krimson's review and the DTRH review of it. If they didnt cover it, it probably would go super unnoticed

[@erlanddrow7950]

God: Well yes but actually no

[@lambertstarr1218]

@@ruyekahatori3073 1000 copies x 12,50 dollars = 12500 dollars. That’s a lot of fucking money for that book

[@Gamerfalcon]

@@lambertstarr1218 That doesn’t include any costs that come from printing and merchant costs that Amazon tacks on, the real number of what he’s gotten is probably way less.

[@SwiftNimblefoot]

@@ruyekahatori3073 He boasts that he sold this few copies???

[@ectoplasmic_moss]

"Does God control the aliens??" *oh god it's reapers creek all over again*

[@jackhazardous4008]

I was smoking weed and I literally thought I was listening to Reaper's Creek again and got confused

[@charlynnedust6252]

I’m so glad I’m not the only one seeing this!!!

[@kabutoyakushi9739]

@@jackhazardous4008 Lmao

[@deltaknight2764]

Wow, that is the most self-countering quote I've ever heard, considering that one of the main points of God is that he's NOT EVIL, and therefore likely can't fully BRAINWASH anyone, earthling or not.

[@vizthex]

at least that one was mercifully short

[@Mathee]

The way the general public seem to instantly love Theresa, to the point where they're willing to overthrow their leaders if they say anything bad about her, my personal headcanon is that Theresa at some point wished to be popular, and HAL began emitting a signal that brainwashes people into adoring her. Something tells me the book would be a lot more interesting if this was the case, Theresa found out, and was rightfully horrified by it

[@armaggedon390]

There's a problem with that, you see. That makes sense. Ergo, it couldn't have possibly been anywhere near this book. Not only that, but that might be considered a bad thing and we all know Theresa never does anything bad ever because she's a good christian girl.

[@AgentPedestrian]

But that's an INTERESTING story... the author would never write that!

[@Mathee]

@@AgentPedestrian Right, how silly of meXD

[@mlfan5986]

Mathilde Bruhn Wait a minute... isn’t this a plot point on reaper’s creek? The mc accidentally brainwashed people due to god powers, then notices and feels bad? REAPERS CREEK IS BETTER THAN THIS GARBAGE!

[@butterflybutterfly5947]

@@mlfan5986 Eh, I wouldn't call Reaper's Creek better than this dumpster fire. I think they're both equally terrible, but you're right, that did happen there.

[@missustealie]

Okay, SO, there is a thing where, if a hypothermic patient loses a heartbeat, you CANNOT pronounce them dead, legally, until they are re-warmed. Obviously, the author heard this somewhere and ran away with it to the point of idiocy.

[@justyouraveragecorgi]

Yeah, I've heard about someone whose core temperature was around 55 F but was still able to be revived. But obviously reheating Theresa like a bowl of soup (as a higher up comment said) is pretty stupid.

[@skyblade7438]

There's a difference between hypothermia and falling from the edge of space.

[@cheyennetrumbos]

You're not dead till you're warm and dead

[@noahazinger6345]

always remember to rewarm your food before eating :D

[@left-2-write28]

And from my limited knowledge, the process of warming then up is a bit more complicated than just jacking up the thermostat. I imagine you have to be really careful with it to avoid adverse side effects. But fuck it, let's just cook her!

[@hazielachance]

"A woman doesn't mind dying so much if she knows her body will be preserved." Look I'm just saying, I don't think we have any proof that Norman has ever actually met a woman. If anything, he's actually going out of his way to prove he hasn't.

[@ruyekahatori3073]

"A woman doesn't mind dying so much if she knows her body will be preserved" *Necros/Incels have joined the chat*

[@AnnekeOosterink]

I don't know what you're talking about, I'm totally fine with being dead and/or murdered, just make me a pretty corpse. I'm also pretty sure that this is a universal opinion shared by 51% of the world's population.

[@aaljustaal1890]

Preserve my body and prop me up on a life sized Barbie stand

[@lionlover4u]

@@aaljustaal1890 I wanna be a doctor when I'm a corpse 💖

[@michelletuband]

"You-know-what." Theresa is Ebony Dark'ness Demetia Raven Way's deeply religious sister confirmed.

[@kabob0077]

Ah shit...

[@sadfrostnoises9191]

Here we go again.

[@narthic]

Now I need Internet Historian and Sorrow TV to do a reading. NEED

[@thanatoast]

Nu way (Geddit lik gerard uwu) thersaa is a fukkin PREP, shs crhisthan n ebooby is a satantits so shess in griffindoor and enoby is in sitherin so they hat eachoother.

[@whywasimadetofeelnothingbu1991]

Hands of Asclepius Theresa iz not prep becuz shes goth lioke hitler

[@vihaze6725]

"Other girls cared about diets and hairstyles" Theresa is noT LIke THe oTHER GirLS.

[@elizakarnopp8921]

/proceeds to brag endlessly about her hair and figure/

[@ruyekahatori3073]

Ironic because earlier in the book when Theresa is 10, she mentions being a little self-conscious about her weight/appearance

[@Grim_Sister]

(Dear Mrs Hartley, your shipment of male approval has been shipped and will be delivered to you shortly)

[@Penguinmanereikel]

@@elizakarnopp8921 and her C L E A V A G E

[@oncreativemode5486]

nooooo not THAT sentence it's giving me arthritis

[@Coramelimane]

"I have done nothing wrong and people want me dead." *She literally stopped atmospheric pressure systems across the entire world causing widespread heat waves, cold waves droughts and famines.* "I hAvE dOnE NoThInG wRoNg!"

[@moontokkym_art]

As a woman, I can confirm, I will consent to my own murder as long as I know they've got a well maintained freezer space with my name on it.

[@Arachnes_Corner]

Jesus Christmas.

[@jennibeanthesweetsqueen5245]

You will fit nicely next to the tubs of chocolate ice cream and frozen breakfast sausages ((maple flavored because we are not monsters)).

[@thedeliveryboy1123]

I have no idea what this means because I just started watching this video and now I'm scared

[@chongjunxiang3002]

And if people need you, they will have heater that heat to 100° so you can revive from dead, even after 2 weeks.

[@moontokkym_art]

@@chongjunxiang3002 please tell me you're american and that temperature's in Fahrenheit.

[@owenmasur5640]

Ah yes, the visible white ball is actually INVISIBLE DARK MATTER

[@skyblade7438]

Am I the only one who's worried about how the white ball that was shot at her stomach is now confirmed to be sticky? It's like Norman intended for it to sound like...what it sounds like.

[@Hanfgurkenhasser]

"An Alien Jizz Monster"

[@lhk7006]

@@skyblade7438 dude what the fuck

[@shawn576]

Norman did say it took like 30 years to write this book. It's possible the white ball thing and the dark matter thing were written 10 years apart and he didn't care enough to read through stuff he had already established.

[@spikethecreator.4798]

HAL is the only character I’m attached too. And that’s only because he didn’t talk. I feel like he’s be a chill dude shoved in a bad book...

[@SorowFame]

He's kinda like an audience insert, he's silent, unable to consciously affect the stupid events he's forced to bear witness to.

[@lesbianaconda2971]

HAL is space alien god computer Giving Tree

[@cuber5003]

My thoughts exactly.

[@crimsonsilvermoon]

Yeah

[@ninaakeldama3812]

HAL is the most likeable, even if he did start doing evil stuff, I'd prolly cheer him on

[@Randerson2409]

"It would be a shame if she were a vegetable" Yeah, wouldn't want her to become more interesting

[@FauxGemini]

Underrated comment lmfao

[@everlastingdragon4520]

She already was one.

[@braindead5283]

Turned herself into a pickle. Funniest shit I've ever seen.

[@OfficialAshArcher]

LOL

[@lindsayshanks7555]

She would be healthier for others as a vegetable

[@joutakun7590]

“A woman doesn’t mind dying too much if she knows her body will be preserved.” Don’t think I wanna end up like Lenin, fam.

[@DrinkYourNailPolish]

Evita Peron

[@aidanmills6136]

The only time that statement would be true, is ancient Egypt.

[@rowandoyle7]

Elena de Hoyos (sp?) wants a word with Norman

[@justin2308]

@@aidanmills6136 You hit the nail on the head.

[@Carbon2861996]

Oh, so THAT's what he meant by comparing her to Lincoln, Hitler or Lenin.

[@clashbloxblitz789]

I hate how she's baby talked and constantly referred to as a girl -- she's an adult! A young woman, but a woman regardless! If the author himself can't respect his protagonist, how can we?

[@AnnekeOosterink]

But how can he jerk off to Theresa if she's an adult? (honestly the way he talks about child Theresa is fucking creepy, and it stays that way)

[@ruyekahatori3073]

@@AnnekeOosterink also how he sexualizes her when shes not fully legal yet and when shes barely 18 (at 17 she wears the 'little black nothing' to seduce Jack, but ends up flirting and seducing Steve instead, then talking about how they both 'wanted it' but didnt know if they could wait 4 years to get married, so they get married around the end of the school year/just after Theresa turns 18 (her cleavage charmed the crowd) and how her green dress that was meant to be 'modest' was just inch longer than the little black nothing and showed off her butt and chest with older dudes ogling her) And even when shes a kid he talks about how her hair was so long and thick, and was a sign of puberty (its not) and she needed to be around girls a year or so older to be 'emotional age' (emotional age between 11 and 12/13 i dont think is very much) at some point he does mention how she's a little self conscious of her body at 10, but i guess that just isnt a trait anymore as she keeps thinking how pretty she is, then at 14 rumors get spread that she 'made out' with all of the boys on the baseball team (we dont know how old since high school baseball is split by grades/i believe skill), and she 'went to bed' with the coach to get on the team (then why is nobody accusing the coach of being a pedo?)

[@ShammyKat]

Oh? Hey, amateur writer here and your comment actually peaked my interest. Does referring to a character as "girl" actually show lack of respect for a character? Because I actually do this semi often when referring to one of my own two main characters. Context within my own story, the two main characters are both adults. One male [25]. The other female [19]. I guess my male protagonist refers to her as "girl" or "kid" as part of his speech pattern. So that's a bit different. But myself as a narrator will use "The girl [...]" in a sentence here or there when writing something she's doing. If this is viewed as disrespect, that's interesting and I actually didn't know a reader would view it as such. Thank you!

[@theskepticpirate156]

@@ShammyKat It depends, on how it's done and to be fair it is a bit of a thin line. In your example, I'd say its fine as it sounds like he's using "girl" or "kid" as a term of endearment. In Empress Theresa, it seems like everyone refers to her as "girl" which removes the term of endearment angle. It also helps if the female protag isn't described in a way that sounds like she's personal spank material for the author.

[@ShammyKat]

@@theskepticpirate156 No, she's definitely not spank material, haha. Thank you for your input, it's greatly appreciated!

[@winterwolf6910]

“A woman doesn’t mind dying so much if she knows her body will be preserved” This was the plot of a Criminal Minds episode I swear

[@user-hanging-at-the-hanged-man]

Winter Wolf I accidentally disliked your comment, and I am here to apologize

[@The_Chef2511]

An odd statement considering another woman once told me "A corpse should be left well alone."

[@teddybearkiller5271]

I love Criminal minds!!! Which episode was that!?

[@jackhazardous4008]

@@user-hanging-at-the-hanged-man disliking does literally nothing anyways

[@haggisa]

Winter Wolf Correction: This was the plot to at least three “Criminal Minds” episodes.

[@calebfasnacht8698]

As a Christian, Norman's theology and references to God make me want to listen to the sweet music of nails on a chalkboard instead

[@sweethysteria8737]

I think I’d rather listen to Satan’s masterbait than read this book At least someone’s getting pleasured.

[@lucaraiti6780]

😂 Agreed! There are so many inaccuracies and misconceptions, that he sounds like Pierce i"Community", who joined a cult, but was convinced to be a Buddhist.

[@e.m.rivera8948]

agreed!!!!

[@franciasii2435]

He's clearly some loony fundamentalist. The signs are pretty obvious. -Blatant disregard for homosexuals -Totally broken ideas about the formation of intelligent life -an emphasis on "good morals" which boils down to going to church and no pre-marital sex All that's missing is some jewish/muslim character who "sees the light" after a confrontation with the main character, and converts to "the true path" of Christianity lol.

[@markiangooley]

I’m Catholic and the kindest view I can take of Norman and his own views that he’s mentally ill. Keeping that in mind really helps. God doesn’t let anyone go to Hell for being insane…

[@cherrycordiaI]

Remember that episode of the Twilight Zone where an entire village of people were at the mercy of a small, powerfully psychic little boy? Empress Theresa is basically that combined with a lonely old man's mary sue fantasy girlfriend and crappy anime.

[@morganrobinson8042]

Exactly What I was thinking.

[@multilad816]

Even crappy anime and fantasy girl have standards and limits compared to Empress Theresa

[@nancyjay790]

That Twilight Zone episode is effective and creepy as blip, but on purpose. Empress Theresa is... I really don't know how to try to quantify it, but jerk off comes closer than anything else.

[@mael4488]

Doctors reviving Theresa: Did you turn it off and back on?

[@erlanddrow7950]

She was off when she came a in, I guess no one bothered to turn her on

[@slevinchannel7589]

@@erlanddrow7950 'Jabroni Mike' has also amazing Videos on Theresa-kun.

[@Vollification]

She behaves like a robot! Maybe that's what they did?

[@LKHooray]

I just hate the talk about the sharks, yes if sharks smell blood they'd go towards the dead things smell but if a shark dies it emits a chemical that basically screams to other sharks "DON'T COME HERE" when they smell it so when Hal kills the first set of sharks none would come afterwards! Shark repellent is made out of this stuff for a reason, it's so dumb to say hundreds of sharks were around her body that the sailors had to fight.

[@rroman1988]

I'm sorry so are you telling me that there is a *modicum* of truth to the Bat Shark Repellent that Adam West uses in the show? I've laughed at that for years thinking it was 100% made up.

[@LKHooray]

@@rroman1988 Yes, never watched Adam West but yes shark repellent makes you smell like a dead shark and all the other sharks go "I don't wanna find out how they died". It's weird to think about

[@Grumplebumple]

@@rroman1988 there is indeed a modicum of truth to Adam West's Bat Shark Repellent

[@sunn7615]

and even worse, the sharks were fighting each other to eat their dead brethren!

[@LKHooray]

@@sunn7615 This is shark slander!!!!!

[@trashpandame4236]

That theory of restarting a body by returning it to the normal temperature could have made for sooooooo many horror stories of people waking up while being cremated.

[@sweethysteria8737]

O_O 😦 😶 …That’s scary 😰😱 My mom wants to be cremated when she dies, I would hope she doesn’t have to suffer like that.

[@ultimatetrashboy419]

That’s a creepypasta right there

[@RipOffProductionsLLC]

It also sounds like the inverse of Lovecraft's "cool air" story where a man kept himself alive after dying by keeping his apartment cold enough to prevent his body from rotting...

[@alexjewett7455]

... Fuck, that's horrifying.

[@GameTavern2224]

Oh my God I'm alive :D OH MY GOD IM BURINING ALIVE :0

[@crunglemcbungley]

"The main plot device of this book doesn't know what a rake is."

[@slevinchannel7589]

13:16: Exactly. Thats what i also say people trying to defend S-Scenes in Movies, even though they are never needed ever and just show that Actors are trained or even 'bred' to be perverted enough to be literally 'ready for anything, no questions asked'. Literally. I hope Sex Sells and all its various, various Variations die out already. Its overdue - hard.

[@slevinchannel7589]

Wow. What B-S: Theresa really made herself, with her 18 Years old and Catholic Background, the Center of S-Jokes? While on Camera? With the biggest Audience ever? Wow. This Author is a Shame. A Shame just for tha alone. I have no kid-friendly ways to describe this Author for that Epic Fail alone. Not to mention the 100000 other Problems with this Book.

[@MMDAMV]

I feel like Theresa is a Keter-class SCP: An incredibly destructive force that memetically spreads to everyone the inability to criticize her

[@maxthepaladin2147]

Not even Keter, Apoleon-class Or however the world-ender class was called

[@kgb4150]

@@maxthepaladin2147 Apoleon class means the threat cannot can not be contained and will cause apocalypse no matter what

[@kgb4150]

She is closer to a reality bender. I think there is a tale about a green type just like her

[@TheBonkleFox]

@@kgb4150 I would say she's worth Apollyon-class. By the end of the book the only hope for humanity to return to a logical, rational reality is to use SCP-2000 and secure her before hal ever becomes associated with her.

[@shadow_shine3578]

@@TheBonkleFox that would make a much better story

[@taliesinjoan7248]

"Descended from the Irish"... "Great Britain was proud to bring one of their own back home..." Anyone spot the mistake there?

[@wybo2]

Ireland only split off from the UK after world war 1. It is possible to have ancestors from Ireland before it became independant.

[@taliesinjoan7248]

@@wybo2 I mean yeah, of course it is very possible. But that is not what I meant. The book is set in a time where they are split nations. (Or am I misunderstanding the time frame of the novel). So... If Twitter exists, then Ireland and Great Britain are definitely not the same nation anymore and an Irish person is not one of Britain's own or the other way around. (Also, she is American....)

[@theodorepinnock1517]

@@wybo2 Great Britain is specifically the larger of the British Isles, containing England, Scotland, and Wales. So whilst Ireland was at one point part of the United Kingdom, it was never geographically part of Great Britain.

[@stranglewankhitman4936]

It's also a very tense political situation. No British prime minister would be saying that unless they wanted to stir up a huge mess.

[@Rainkit]

They're all white to me lol

[@johnblake4589]

As someone who has lived almost all their life in France. I can say that the single most unrealistic thing in this book is a Frenchman (especially a politician) not wanting there to be a committee.

[@Aece753]

So true, the french are known to dislike a sole ruler holding power. I feel like they did something about it (at least) once…

[@justin2308]

@@Aece753 Just once?

[@Proserpira]

In regards to the "Theresa responsible for the wind stopping through coincidence" thing, king of horror manga Junji Ito used a similar idea for his story "Remina" To paraphrase, the story is set in the future and a man discovers a planet that he names Remina, after his daughter, because Remina was 16 years old and planet Remina appeared around 16 mil lightyears ago or something. The media goes insane, calling her and the planet "twin stars". Only there's a problem. Planet Remina is getting closer to Earth at a speed scientifically impossible in our universe, and all stars and planets around it...just dissapear. Once Planet Remina enters the solar system, it appears as a huge planet with an eye, a mouth and a huge tongue that pierces and devours the planets on its way to Earth. Humanity puts two and two together, and a witch hunt for Remina, the human girl, born "at the same time" as the planet, begins. We are never told if this is true or not. We never learn what Remina is, and if the planet and the girl do have something in common or not. Norman...didn't do this well. A person being accused for a tragedy signing humanity going extinct would be hunted down and killed, not hailed as a saviour.

[@KrimsonRogue]

Ooh, that sounds weirdly terrifying. I'll have to keep an eye out for that one.

[@Proserpira]

@@KrimsonRogue I strongly reccomend Junji Ito's works! He has a semi-realistic style that is brilliant for horror, and his stories almost all have "mystery" as the horror element. Not knowing "how" or "why" something happens can be terrifying when done correctly. As an exemple, one of his shorts is about how a family is celebrating the final touches on the construction of their home, all done by the father, who is missing at the celebration. They look around, and find him underneath the house, half crushed under the main mast holding the foundation together. People had seen the foundation before, and he could not have crawled in before it was set. He's alive, but never explains how he got underneath there, or when. He's also super chill about the whole thing, like "ehhh don't worry about it" and acts like this is something that happens. Moving the mast is impossible as the house would fall on him, and he just...dies. Under the house. And we never know how he got under there, or why.

[@notmocka]

@@KrimsonRogue I bet ya would like the mental torture of Spirals too, same author

[@TheDapperDragon]

Personally, I couldn't stop being reminded of the original Final Fantasy. "Quick! Theresa fell down! Get the wind crystal!'

[@Proserpira]

@Kata Nina Yes that's correct!

[@psychsoma]

I have a headcanon: it's such a mess because, somehow, through HAL, Theresa has gained unconscious mind control over the whole world. Narcissistic but blind to that fact, Theresa can subconsciously set herself up in an epic story.... at least, a story that's epic in the mind of a sheltered married-young religious fanatic with delusions of grandiosity.

[@MagpieDynamics]

Sounds like an episode of the twilight zone.

[@psychsoma]

@@MagpieDynamics Anthony doing the real good things but he doesn't know it's him

[@thehermit8618]

I love how some surface-level, joke retconning does wonders to recontextualize this disaster of a novel for the better

[@DrinkYourNailPolish]

Plot twist: Theresa is schizophrenic and this is all pert of her delusion.

[@AaronRotenberg]

I've been trying to figure out while watching this how I would fix this book if I were to rewrite it. I had already decided that Theresa had to be a narcissist whose narration is giving a twisted view of reality. I was thinking that everything in quotes would be "reliable" depictions of the dialogue, but then Theresa's narration would demonstrate her distorted interpretation of what was said. Your mind control idea makes this even jucier. I think I wouldn't start the book with everyone being mind controlled, but rather have people around Theresa slowly start to conform to her will in unnerving ways over the course of the book. Towards the middle, there would be some characters who are controlled and some who aren't, creating bizarre and horrifying "what is wrong with you" conversations happening around Theresa (that she of course reinterprets through her own narcissistic lens).

[@Fattybobatty1224]

I’m getting the sinking feeling that I know where the broken timeline with the fox came from. Norman made a decision to age-up Theresa at the last minute, and only changed times her age was mentioned, and nothing else. Which would mean Theresa was supposed to be *15*

[@Portponky]

A "Dwigt" problem.

[@evilyogurt2469]

.....oh

[@deanholderde5959]

This is plausible. Uncomfortably so.

[@hug_bug]

Why does it make so much sense? This comment is severely underrated. And the whole thing with her skipping a year to be with girls of her "emotional age", it wouldn't be reasonable for her to skip just one year (I don't think there is much difference, honestly), if she grew up faster, than others. However, if she were much younger in the first place, then skipped many more years... not that it makes more sense, but at least it's less useless of a transition, right? And him calling Theresa a "good girl" is kinda disgusting. But we finally can guess why he does that, because she was originally not an adult... This is so damn bad, but it is so damn believable.

[@hug_bug]

@Agent Bubble, I suppose, the wedding scene could have been added on later, after she was aged up, that's why it's so short.

[@LunDruid]

"...for the girl descended from the Irish was a soulful instrumental version of Danny Boy. ... Great Britain was proud to bring one of its own back home for a final visit." As someone who, like Theresa, is Irish-American, this hurts my soul, deeply. Apparently Norman isn't aware that Ireland *IS NOT PART OF GREAT FREAKING BRITAIN!!!*

[@AngryCerealMilk]

I was about to say, tell any Irish person that they're part of Great Britain or British in any way and they'll probably punch you

[@thepunisher4507]

How does a guy not know what country is what even and go on this long saying he knows everything and is beyond reproach

[@ruyekahatori3073]

He must be confusing GB with the UK, where only North Ireland is part of the UK

[@thepunisher4507]

@@ruyekahatori3073 Still not the same thing. It's disrespectful to just equate everything a separate nation has to the whole land area. Guy would seethe at a Canadian thing being called a "triumph of the American people" (he's Canadian)

[@XamiNaxamis]

I *think* this is because Norman's a royalist who believes monarchs are great and wants GB to be fully reunited again. It's something I vaguely remember from Down the Rabbit Hole's streams where he went into detail about the book, and it's also why he French-bashes despite having a Joan-of-Arc fetish; they had a revolution and got rid of their king.

[@anonymouskirby4403]

i was expecting a poorly written book about a girl becoming empress of the world and got a poorly written book about a girl becoming a host for an alien and being loved by everyone for no reason.

[@shadow_shine3578]

Maybe they love her because of the alien?

[@windowcreeperbird9669]

Same

[@Duhgel]

Yeah, not what I expected

[@locke103]

so... like goku without the goku?

[@ElliJelliZ]

I was expecting a badly written biography of the actual empress of Austria, Maria Theresa

[@alittoralgecko4562]

Wait wait wait wait... So HAL turns off the wind because he doesn't like it effecting Theresa as she's falling. "Wind", as in he turns off air resistance. Well, if you are skydiving, the air resistance isn't ever what's going to kill you. So it means that, instead of hitting the water at terminal velocity (the speed at which air resistance is great enough to cancel out the acceleration of gravity, ~120mph) she's hitting the water more than a few times faster. Good thing she's invincible, because HAL did exactly the opposite of what he needed to do, and Theresa should be a pancake.

[@morganrobinson8042]

Good catch. That is fantastically stupid.

[@dr.anderson1847]

Headcannon even HAL wants Teressa dead

[@Ramsey276one]

HAL: hey, crazy idea Immediately after HAL: ...well it didn’t COMPLETELY fail... Aint telling her, though !

[@hollieginoza7935]

Wow. Just when I thought the wond thing couldn't be dumber. Theresa killed hundreds of sky divers

[@gaylewong6316]

"A woman doesnt mind dying so much if she knows her body will be preserved." To quote the words of my 93 year old grandmother: "I won't have eyes to see what's going on in this world by the time I reach the Underworld. Do whatever you want." ((Okay so she only says this when she's scolding me, but I think it still applies))

[@cameronrobertson9800]

My mam tells us to stick her in the incinerator and then do whatever we want with the ashes when she's dead. To quote her "I'll be dead, why waste the money on a funeral I won't even be able to bloody enjoy"

[@MsCassidy23]

Can we get her a sitcom?

[@wolfbones666]

When I go to the Underworld, your Gram Gram is gonna be one of the first people who I talk to

[@authoralysmarchand4737]

I want to be tossed into a hole, naked, with dirt dumped on me and a tree planted.

[@authorssd]

That grandma sounds wholesome

[@uniboxhead1201]

I don't know if anyone mentioned this yet but Catherine, the sister, probably has the saddest life out of all the characters in this story. Her parents, friends, and the entire world praising her younger sister as a messiah. Then again she might also be the luckiest person since she only got tangled in this mess once in that one sentence. I repeat. Sentence.

[@ruyekahatori3073]

Im doing a rewrite where Catherine actually plays more of a role in the story-she's a computer geek in a way and acts as a kind of whistleblower when the government tries to kill Theresa. She finds out who the target is and privately makes a call to the British parliament to start searching the waters.

[@uniboxhead1201]

@@ruyekahatori3073 Bless your soul then, must be tough to rewrite a book like this one

[@ruyekahatori3073]

@@uniboxhead1201 oh yeah, changing up some parts here and there- like her naming HAL as such after watching Space Odyssey with her dad and he tells her about the books where Dave and HAL merge into halman, and that reminds her of the light merging with her, so she names it as such beccause little kid logic

[@carlwheezer1640]

@@ruyekahatori3073 How did it go?

[@SallyBerry9]

@@carlwheezer1640 I have a feeling the undertaking obliterated them

[@joshvitali361]

I like how KR just, twirls his hair as he reads aloud like he is talking smack on some teenage girl on the telephone to his bestie.

[@isdrakon9802]

I could just be a tick off his, I twirl my hair when I'm bored and need something to occupy my brain power.

[@mrschoco89]

It's a coping mechanism

[@tellmewill]

@@isdrakon9802 I'm not sure tic is the right word for that

[@isdrakon9802]

@@tellmewill not in the slightest but it's the only thing I could think of at the moment

[@claytonharbaugh308]

Hey girl, did you see what Norman wrote in his book.

[@Krolockinchen]

Since everything else has been adressed already one tiny thing: Chosing a dress with no cleavage but making sure it shows your curves defeates the purpose. It's not about how much skin you show, it's about not presenting yourself in a sexual manner and also, not being vain. Theresa comes of as pretty vain and is seriously worrying about looking sexy when she should worry about people possibly starving to death. One of many examples of Theresa not being a GoodCatholicGirl(tm). Source: Am a GoodCatholicGirl(tm)

[@maggiee639]

As a former GoodCatholicGirl(tm), can confirm. Also, in what world would you EVER be allowed to wear a skirt 5 inches above the knee?! That’s an automatic detention where I’m from!

[@mksabourinable]

Yea it had to be like... AT LEAST past your fingertips when your hands were down at your sides, but the safest bet was knee length??? 5" above the knee is... Short. Even if she's super tall so it's mid thigh that's still really short....

[@justin2308]

Can 5’’ above the knee even still be called a skirt at that point? (I’m trying to guesstimate, but better to ask those with knowledge)

[@thisisabcoates]

@@justin2308 It can. Microskirts (6-8" length), for instance, will barely cover someone's rear end

[@lucaraiti6780]

@@maggiee639 Being a Chatolic means something really different in your country 😮

[@ninavale.]

Her description of her dress gives me flashbacks to generic fanfiction of like..early 2000s where female characters' clothing was hugging their figure 'in all the right places'

[@johnwax9606]

My immortal? I fucking love that story

[@MrsTold]

my immortal is a masterpiece and you will not disrespect it by comparing theresa to it lmao

[@mariahs283]

I just got Quizilla flashbacks

[@WarmLusamine]

Quizilla? A Quiznos Godzilla?

[@DestinyKiller]

Kind of like jeans hang from the hips "in that way"

[@colinmartin9797]

Fuck, I came back to this again after finishing "Last Stand of the Tin Can Sailors" (un-goddamn-believably good book) and wanted some more punishment. Foxes only live like 3 years in the wild. You HAVE to take someone's clothes off to perform resuscitation (I'm a paramedic) Sharks are actually TERRIFIED of the smell of shark blood (orca wales killing sharks have driven them almost completely from many places on the West Coast) I'm completely convinced this book is the profound "proof" that the US government is now going to declassify about UFO's. They're going to tell us that Norman was the alien, all along. I can only imagine Norman, in person, acts EXACTLY like Alan Tudyk in "Resident Alien"

[@KrimsonRogue]

Ooh, I picked up "Last Stand of the Tin Can Sailors" a while ago. I might move that up on my reading schedule. After all these awful books, I need something really good.

[@StarWarsomania]

This. Is. Some. Bullshit!

[@henryisthere]

@@KrimsonRogue Last Stand of the Tin Can Sailors is so awesome. It was the cornerstone of my final essay on WWII in history class. It’s so exciting and well-written. Highly recommend it.

[@filmandfirearms]

The fox lifespan thing can be quite easily explained away by Hal. He's able to completely disable all pressure systems across an entire planet, so I think extending the lifespan of a fox is well within his skill set

[@colinmartin9797]

@@filmandfirearms the fox is gollum. Got it.

[@allthebestnamesaretaken.3220]

So in a nutshell this book's "plot" is: girl bonds with alien and public domain Tony Blair uses her to advance his career."

[@vampirelibrarian777]

‘public domain Tony Blair’ is so accurate and it made me laugh so hard

[@boxorak]

That actually sounds vaguely interesting. Pity that you're talking about THIS book and THIS author.

[@allthebestnamesaretaken.3220]

@@boxorak It would make more sense than whatever the book actually has, at least.

[@GraveReaperCushions]

"he's probably typing with one hand" No wonder it took him 40 years to write...

[@kritische3959]

Nah, he probably write for like, 2 days without earlier planning. This was written by heart, and not the brain.

[@addicted2mako]

That would also explain his re-explaining the plot; probably made full use of the copy+paste feature

[@oddeyes9413]

@@kritische3959 Real writers, draw from both the heart and brain. However, I don't think anything was used for this...🙄

[@divine1448]

It's like BOYHOOD

[@crowthewicked8344]

@@oddeyes9413 Well, based on how he described Theresa... I think I know what body part Boutine was using to write this book.

[@darkvioletcloud]

The way the dialogue is written feels like narration. Nobody talks like that.

[@JJ-zm3ne]

DarkVioletCloud right

[@Paralellex]

People agreed with this KZbin comment. Everyone thought that this KZbin comment was accurate. If you had told me that I had to find a flaw with this KZbin comment, I'd say that I couldn't, because it's perfect. The prime minister of the world once said that this KZbin comment would be remember for 10 trillion years.

[@robin_queer]

Not even interesting narration either. XD

[@thanatoast]

Right? It's kinda like hearing Roald Dahl reading my immortal.

[@bigoofsushi6979]

@@thanatoast That sounds scary

[@mackerelmafia2898]

"They can't know matter has ninety-two elements that organize in a million ways." The smoke detector in Norman's house, which contains Americium, the 95th element:

[@henryisthere]

How do you know Norman hasn’t gotten smoke or Carbon Monoxide poisoning?

[@maddieb.4282]

@@henryistherehe certainly writes like it lol

[@eithnemelee2997]

The atom bomb that was going to be used to kill Theresa, which contains plutonium, the 94th element:

[@None-Trick_Pony]

To be completely fair, she proceeds to talk purely about the natural world. No transuranium element is found in nature. Of course, not all elements 1-92 are found in nature, but Norman probably doesn't know that. A book so bad, even defenses of single lines in it require caveats that say the author's probably just really dumb.

[@goosegas2087]

Norman is likely a creationist, so I mean I don't expect him to be the most scientifically literate.

[@Nico6th]

I get how the book was written: he sees an advertisement -> put it in the book, he gets fascinated by helicopters -> puts in three of them, the hears of the wedding of William and Kate -> puts it in the book, watches a documentary about an old aristocratic mansion in Britain -> that's where she stays, watches a debate in the British parliament or maybe a parody of one -> constructs a debate with over the top sentences in his book. i didn't even know an author can get that much sidetracked in his own book!

[@multilad816]

I think some of them were added in on reprint like the Amazon Prime ad was aired around 2015. Empress Theresa was first published in March 14, 2014

[@BewareTheLilyOfTheValley]

I think he not so secretly wishes he were British 🙄

[@gracekim1998]

@@BewareTheLilyOfTheValley yeah…..

[@colemeara5752]

The whole HAL stopping the wind out of a misguided attempt to "let her fly" would almost be adorable if the context and explanation weren't so stupid.

[@StardustLegend]

honestly an idea like that has potential: a little girl gains superpowers through an alien, and through misguided attempts, causes havoc upon the world.

[@kevincass9917]

@Rach There's many ways to go about writing this: A more heartwarming story of a little girl and an alien bonding through the alien granting her superpowers, a depressing story inside the mind of a child who's been abused in some manner and is trying to escape into a fantasy world to avoid the harshness of her world, etc.

[@freyafoster-collins8822]

I mean, it's self preservation right? Wouldn't want your host to die would you? Smart HAL, I say

[@Yawyna124]

@@freyafoster-collins8822 Dumb HAL for not understanding that's not how flying works, nor air resistance.

[@Yawyna124]

@@freyafoster-collins8822 It's even kinda confusing how it would come to be. The only way it would be able to feasibly come to that conclusion is if it wasn't wise enough to understand what creatures know innately from experience (when you move through a fluid quickly, it will push against you) nor intelligent enough to understand resistance on a basis of physics, but then it is questionable it would know how to do anything it does.

[@GhassanPL]

This book sounds like someone woke up with a brilliant idea for a story they had in a dream, wrote it down immediately, then after fully waking up it turned out it only made any sense in their sleep. Only if the author never fully woke up.

[@multilad816]

The Terminator was created by James Cameron's dream. So was Twilight, but both are at least better than Empress Theresa

[@authoralysmarchand4737]

So...Twilight. That's literally what happened. SMeyer dreamed she was in a meadow with a teen-looking vampire.

[@miaouew]

I think we've all been there.

[@morganrobinson8042]

@@authoralysmarchand4737 Twilight being a sexually repressed middle-aged woman's wet dream is literally the least surprising thing I'm ever heard. I'm still confused as to how she interpreted what is probably best described as an erotic animate, sparkly statue of a cut 18 year old as 'vampire', but it's pretty likely SMeyer is essentially ignorant of the huge variety of more fitting supernatural beings.

[@authoralysmarchand4737]

@@morganrobinson8042 She said in her dream, he wanted to eat her. Subtext is among her many not-strong-points.

[@Carbon2861996]

,,Dark Matter is sticky" -Theresa ,,Cats are liquid" -KrimsonRogue

[@lilacflowerao]

I love how I searched for "Onision book" and your channel was the third option, not even a video about one of onision's books, just your channel

[@KrimsonRogue]

Isn't the algorithm great? XD

[@deanholderde5959]

Well that’s just strange.

[@Jamesgates355]

after i saw this comment i did the same and my youtube crashed...i think it tried to protect me

[@sijplays918]

Wait, if she was still wearing what she went into the water with, *did they remove the Coke bottles*?!

[@sijplays918]

@@CreepercrapTV Can't have that, that might actually be an INTERESTING story!

[@FemboyMisa]

Yes, they were thirsty.

[@notthemusewere]

We have to know! The coke bottles are the real star of the story.

[@vanyavanilla7108]

Sij McDonald let’s be honest, Norman would have found a way to make it pointless and boring.

[@HerrDeutschBlood]

I have a sneaking suspicion that Theresa represents a pretty woman that blew off Norman a long time ago and he wrote the book that more-or-less puts her on a high pedestal with the false hope of winning her affections. It would explain why he’s so protective of his property.

[@waspor8208]

The truth might be even weirder. Years before this book was published, Norman wrote a bizarre essay about Joan of Arc. About how good a girl she was and how she didn't burn to death, but instead suffocated on the smoke. For some reason, Norman insists that difference is super important and makes the death more family friendly. Down the Rabbit Hole did a stream where he read some of his works, and thinks Theresa is a stand in for Joan.

[@A.Clifton]

My take is that this is his ultimate Waifu.

[@morganrobinson8042]

@@A.Clifton Yup. This has subsumed sexual fixation all over it. See he's they type of guy who ran into the Virgin/Whore dichotomy hard, probably because he hasn't had much exposure to women as people. He couple that to his religious education, and he went looking for an 'uncorrupted' woman, finding Joan. But she's medieval, and foreign. So he made his own, Theresa and threw in a bunch of little details that he liked so he could pretend that she was more than a sex object. Because he can't accept that his fixation on Theresa is basically an unrealistic, maladaptive sexual fantasy, he's put her on a pedestal as an object of worship, both in his life and story. He's pretty much exactly like guys who fixate on anime girls, except he metaphorically brought his body pillow onto the bus and got mad when people thought he was weird treating her like a real girl.

[@entr3_nou5]

So... Weezer’s Pinkerton without the self awareness and clever writing?

[@haggisa]

Morgan Robinson That’s exactly how this reads to me. Theresa isn’t like all those shallow, vain, slutty girls; she’s modest and smart and virtuous. Except for those times, when he just can’t help himself and needs to drive home the point of how sexy and beautiful she is, like in the the wedding scene and the media interview one. That’s where she suddenly turns into a flirty vixen, who has to show off her curves (that are all in the right places!). Perhaps his over the top, nearly pathological possessiveness over Theresa is also the reason her fiancé, and later husband is barely present in the novel. Norman seems unable to share her with anybody. Everybody wants and admires Theresa, but she somehow exists above it all - she is to be worshipped from afar, like a Catholic saint. That’s probably why he kills her and then resurrects her - she’s the Virgin Mary and Jesus roller into one. It’s bizarre how blatant he is about it. He’d fit right in into a medieval monastery, writing hagiographies of martyrs. Also, I don’t know much about the guy, but all those instances of Theresa criticising the media for not understanding what she tells them, and being mean to her seem to be a direct message to his critics. “You idiots, I did explain everything perfectly, don’t you see? It’s your fault for not getting it!”, he seems to say. The guy’s a trip!

[@devinsamuel3612]

I think the weird confused timeline over when HAL arrived on earth might be leftover from Norman changing the plot as he wrote. I think in the original draft of the first 5-10 chapters, Theresa was 15 years old when all this started. He then upped her age to 18 so she could be sexualized without being a minor, but forgot to change the HAL timeline to match. Why do I think this? Because Joan of Arc was 15 when she met King Charles VII. I think the book originated as a very bizarre modern retelling of Joan of Arc, who Norman is openly obsessed with, and spiralled outwards from there.

[@kunolacarai]

The whole “wind stopping” plot line would make more sense in a fantasy novel, where wind is created by gods or sylphs or a magical crystal. The problem is, in a story set in the real world, it must follow the real world’s rules. Should version: Don’t write science fiction unless you know science.

[@morganrobinson8042]

WIth how heavily Christian this entire exercise is, mythology or magic would be essentially impossible for him to reconcile with his philosophy enough to actually use without the user being evil. Norman's probably unaware that theurgic, kabbalistic, hermetical and (I vaguely remember)gnostic teaching really loosen up on the nature of the divine cosmology and allow for the employment for angels as functionaries and servators. And the Seal of Solomon being handed down from the greatest theiurge of all time, should the original exist. And of course, literally making Teresa a saint would have made this so much easier on him. Maybe he thought that was a bit on the nose. Maybe he wanted the gratification of mortal authority awarding it. Maybe he though this is what subtext looks like. Instead we have significantly less well educated than usual technobabble.

[@bunnymoonvii]

@@morganrobinson8042 when discussing his original ideas for the novel he's said things like "I considered what it would be like if someone could read the mind of an accused man to find out if he was innocent, but since I DON'T BELIEVE IN MIND READING, I DISCARD THAT IDEA" So take that as you will.

[@oddeyes9413]

Um.. wind stopping abruptly like that was in Miyazaki's Naussica of the Valley of the Wind. One of if not, his first movie. If you don't know who that is: *Spirited Away, Kiki's Delivery service, My Neighbor Totoro, Howl's Moving Castle, Castle in the Sky, ect.*

[@mergele1000]

@@oddeyes9413 Significant differences in scale. The wind in one valley ceasing is a completly different affair from all the wind in all the world.

[@oddeyes9413]

@@mergele1000 still. I thought of that as soon as they said the wind stopped

[@Jrez]

Turning off the wind would basically mean turning the atmosphere solid. Air particles could not be allowed to move, so the entire planet would be frozen and would quickly suffocate in what will become solid air.

[@skyjack1]

Sounds like a pretty sick Warriors Dies video plot.

[@No_Sleepee]

sounds like Venus

[@theencolony5595]

@@No_Sleepee nah, Venus is the opposite. Instead of frozen air, the constant hurricane winds suffocate you!

[@scienceviking4490]

To be unreasonably generous to this book, it could be something like the slow zone in Abaddon's Gate, where nothing is allowed to move faster than a certain speed, even air particles. This would also explain why Hal did it, he tried to slow Theresa's descent, and he ended up slowing everything.

[@artsyscrub3226]

Even venom has a reason to protect his host he litterally can't survive without it, and he's vunrable without it. At least say that hal can't survive on earth without a living host, like come on.

[@slevinchannel7589]

Wow. What B-S: Theresa really made herself, with her 18 Years old and Catholic Background, the Center of S-Jokes? While on Camera? With the biggest Audience ever? Wow. This Author is a Shame. A Shame just for tha alone. I have no kid-friendly ways to describe this Author for that Epic Fail alone. Not to mention the 100000 other Problems with this Book.

[@arandomtoad480]

@@slevinchannel7589 wtf this comment had nothing to do with sex jokes. If you want to talk about the sexualization in this book just make your own comment rather than replying to others that have nothing to do with sex.

[@idongesitusen5764]

Making the creature somewhat symbiotic/parasitic would make this far more interesting. Norman would screw it up though.

[@tykamen5588]

@@idongesitusen5764 one-hundred percent he would find a way to screw it up

[@TheRenofox]

Since this book was written from Theresa's point of view, someone should write a book painting her as an unreliable narrator. The world holds its breath in terror as this oblivious schoolgirl that doesn't even understand what's going on around her holds the power to doom the world, and since the last attempt at assassinating her threatens to destroy the world they're now extra careful not to set her off even while (too subtly for her to pick up) urging for her to get on with saving us all.

[@Dr.Sho_Minamimoto]

Honestly if she had even a modicum of humanity within her she would pull a Dr.Manhattan and colonize mars and leave earth alone. Sadly since the cancer she gives is only psychological rather then physical, she will never do so and will act like a god on earth until the day she is smote (preferably in the same style the Emperor of mankind in 40K had been).

[@shannonlewis2022]

Reminds me of Haruhi Suzumiya.

[@ManiacalBlueberry]

@@shannonlewis2022 I didn’t even think of that but you are so right.

[@n.clampitt]

@@shannonlewis2022 That's unfair to Haruhi.

[@ventlyre3319]

I am a literal trash goblin and even I can write better than this, let alone make a story interesting. Oh well, in with Onision you go Theresa. Let’s see if even his god forsaken alpha males will take you.

[@iMajoraGaming]

can confirm his trash goblin status, he's who i buy my dwarf piss from

[@snowballjhin4705]

that idea would probably be a ten times better book then this

[@angelsartandgaming]

same here! Even my first story from when I was 14 or so was BETTER than this, and that was a cringefest of my magical girl Mary Sue hanging out with a slew of anime characters I was into at the time! And speaking of, Theresa with any of Onision's horrible self inserts crossover fanfiction would be 100x better than this.

[@miaouew]

@@iMajoraGaming hey, someone's gotta collect it.

[@authoralysmarchand4737]

I had a lunch date last week in a very small town I wasn't familiar with, looked into it, and found that Onision lives there. I was on edge the entire time.

[@thewarnerchannel7285]

They could have explored interesting ideas like Theresa: Hey, while we're figuring out how to feed the world again, how much attention should I devote to Africa? Prime Minister: I'd say, none. I mean, those people were starving to begin with. Theresa: But like, can't I figure out how to feed them too, while I'm at it? Prime Minister: I'd rather the people who usually get food, go back to getting food, and you can bless the rains down in Africa all you want for your victory lap. But there's a limited amount of time here, so try to feed the people who wouldn't just die of starvation anyway. Africa probably doesn't even notice. It's not like they're getting any less rain in Cairo. Theresa: But Africa's a pretty big place. If I want to save the most people, shouldn't I start with trying to fix bigger continents? Cause then if I don't get it all done in time, I've at least saved the maximum number of people, right? Prime Minister: I mean, you're not wrong. But if you knew more about geo-politics, you'd understand that there's usually plenty of food to feed everyone on the planet, it just doesn't get passed around evenly. And a lot of impoverished countries are that way because of corrupt goverments. So, if you want to start using your powers to assassinate dictators, you can. It's just that, many would argue that the reason those countries are the way they are, and those dictatorships came to power is because people conquered them, so you might just be doing the same thing that made things bad in the first place, again. So maybe focus first on the people who primarily have a food problem, before the people who have a food, government, war, internal conflict because of racial/religious division problem. Theresa: You just want me to save the UK first! Prime Minister: Ding ding ding. Now get crackin'! You think the goverment's blowin' all this dough on you during a crisis for fun? Every hour of you defunds another children's hospital, so make the most of it.

[@KrimsonRogue]

You started with nothing and made a string of dialogue more engaging than everything the book provides! Nicely done. I'd probably enjoy reading more of this.

[@thewarnerchannel7285]

@@KrimsonRogue Thanks!

[@StardustLegend]

@@thewarnerchannel7285 kuddos!!

[@kylesmith5633]

Holy shit write this version of this book please.

[@agencymenace1090]

You lowkey gave me chills with the ding ding ding thing like... holy FUCK the smallest sentence can be so so EVIL. Please just rewrite this book.

[@elpretender1357]

"People with problems don't change the world" Well, that tells us a lot about Norman's moral compass...

[@SparrowwithaMachinegun]

My guess for how Theresa is going to restart the wind: She's going to stand on the beach and exhale really hard. EDIT: I was wrong. Silly me, thought she'd be fixing things.

[@TwoBySevenLeo]

I thought she'd restart the wind by ripping a really big fart. I was disappointed.

[@fenderr]

Better ideas than the actual book though 😂

[@LordCrate-du8zm]

@@TwoBySevenLeo Your average human after eating taco bell could do that

[@TwoBySevenLeo]

@@LordCrate-du8zm True, but imagine if SHE ate Taco Bell....

[@kellionisthallis6349]

"Her body uses all the space available. There's no way to get to the atoms." Oh so she's a human singularity?

[@bananaberries9751]

Yea she's just so fckin dense. And so is the author

[@None-Trick_Pony]

@@bananaberries9751 I have a theory that she's so dense that she's formed an black hole that devours any dissenting opinions, thus the universal support.

[@j_west7219]

I love how nonsensical that line is. I laughed so hard it hurt.

[@jaemvees]

Your tabbed books are such an aesthetic. Like a stained glass window revealing everything you found in the story.

[@OSCARMlLDE]

"Your thoughts, ladies?" Oh, Mister Rogue, sir, I'm not allowed any thoughts after 9 p.m.

[@DestinyKiller]

Not if you're a Good Girl like the rest of the Good Girl Cult... uh, I meant Club

[@cjparsons9730]

I love how she is dressed "modest" with a dress that is five inches above the knee. Every dress code I've ever had would have body slammed me If I wore something three inches above my knees.

[@deathray6032]

My current dnd character is actually a parasite that attatches to a humanoid host. I did not think it through very well but I at least gave it reasons. Although it can attach to animals it chooses humanoids because they are more versatile and opposable thumbs are nice. It is a low developed creature so it focuses on self preservation and therefore does what it can to protect the host body. I am not saying it is a well thought out character by any means. All I am saying is that I officially have a better character than whatever garbage is in this book.

[@jackbellinger8679]

I helped a guy make a class that was entirely based on elemental parasites! It was a fun couple of weeks.

[@fangwhiteclaw7089]

I really want to know how this ends

[@Lucifersfursona]

“Opposable thumbs are nice” is better and funnier characterization than anything in this entire book

[@skyblade7438]

Writing a better character than Theresa is a very easy thing to do.

[@deezboyeed6764]

Im late but that's a cool idea you could have over time the person shine through the control as they grow together eventually into symbiosis working together

[@Mo95793]

As a doctor and a huge physics nerd, this was painful.

[@EliseLogan]

As a political scientist and a physics nerd, I am 100% in agreement with this sentiment.

[@Mo95793]

@@EliseLogan on a tangent here, can you recommend books on political science for the average person, not too intense yet informative. I mean something like the equivalent of brain Greene books on physics but for political science.

[@EliseLogan]

@@Mo95793 That's a broad topic. Do you want US politics or international politics? One book I recommend to everyone - especially if you're already a tiny bit mathy - is Anthony Downs' An Economic Theory of Democracy - though the basic premise of the book is explained elegantly in CGP Grey's KZbin videos about electoral systems. Similarly, I'd recommend anything by Bruce Bueno de Mesquita. If I had to pick one that describes how power politics works, I'd say The Dictator's Handbook by de Mesquita and Alistair Smith - but, again, CGP Grey does a masterful job of distilling the basic arguments in his KZbin videos. Smith and de Mesquita also have a new one titled The Spoils of War, and while it's a good read and raises really interesting points, the thesis of this one is a little less solidly supported.

[@Mo95793]

@@EliseLogan thanks, CGP gray has been my introduction to this topic. What I wanted is an introduction to the theory of how political systems work, and I see you've recommended a couple of those, Anthony downs' book seems right up my ally as I'm also quite interested in economics. Thanks for taking the time to reply, I'll try and read most of these books in time.

[@Nevernamed]

@@Mo95793 Everybody, come look! It's two smart people interacting in the wild! I wonder what they'll do next, maybe they'll get territorial!

[@doubtful_seer]

Why would the hospital have a thermometer in her you know ANYwhere? They have less invasive ways to monitor temperature. If anything, she would have had a catheter, NOT a thermometer.

[@xercespriest]

Gotta get his kicks some sort of way. Sickening? Yes. Seriously, how has this dude not been put on a list?

[@tarani5aviel]

RIGHT! I'm pretty sure that isn't a proper procedure for anyone, especially for a girl who has been dead for 2 weeks (at the time). It doesn't make any sense. His sick mind just wanted to put something in her. Nasty.

[@Linri]

Maybe it wasn't the vagina but the rectum????? Because a temp probe does not go in the former. O.o ....Even then that still doesnt make sense as there are other locations and that more convenient. The pit. Oral. Forehead. Ears. Etc.

[@Zelda00Gamer]

Linri yeah I was confused when he said vagina 😂 like no dude. We put thermometers up our poop shoots just like men

[@laoaidan2400]

Ah, but you assume the author is not an idiot. Unfortunately for us all, the author is an idiot

[@knshinn2]

Steve/Norman: Theresa is a super-special girl. She doesn't waste time on stupid things like hairstyles Theresa: la la la dee dee look at my magnificent flaring mane of hair

[@NapaCat]

-Norman- Steve is thr biggest self-insert of all time.

[@gokuxsephiroth4505]

I mean, she has splooge magic to make her hair extra luscious! Look at all those silly girls putting effort in! Theresa doesn't have to put effort in! She's a good girl!

[@anzaia2164]

This man's madonna-whore complex is strong enough to tear a hole into space-time

[@FumblsTheSniper]

I swear there is a real story here somewhere. Some of these plot points would actually work if they weren’t sandwiched between the ravings of a madman.

[@Zerpderp0]

A story of a young woman being chased by the government for gaining an alien friend that gives her superpowers is a good premise. It's ET meets the Star Wars

[@BlackIsALightShade]

Zerpderp0 there’s definitely the bare bones of a concept established. ‘empress theresa’ could have been fantastic satire of the science fiction genre. ‘between the ravings of a mad man’ is spot on accurate.

[@armaggedon390]

I could write 10 different stories with just the first few chapters of this book as an inspiration; and each of them would be at least a million times better than this book. Not that I'm a good writer, but my confidence skyrocketed ever since I found out about Theresa; because even though my writing sucks, it'll never be this bad. That actually pisses me off more. Because there's a ton of wasted potential here. There's plenty of ideas in this jumbled mess of paper that's supposed to be a book. Lot's of ideas, but they don't go anywhere.

[@heathb2182]

@@Zerpderp0 i'm accidentally writing the same premise already. I didn't think the basics were too originally anyway, but this is disturbing

[@Zerpderp0]

@@heathb2182 Just do it better. You can't possibly fuck up worse than this. Simply fixing grammar issue would make your story a thousand times better.

[@artyomsaveli9681]

Norman isn't using one hand, he's stroking his ego with two while smacking it into the keyboard.

[@MysteriumArcanum]

He was definitely stroking SOMETHING while thinking of Theresa

[@mrcephalopod]

That was a beautiful turn of phrase. Please become a writer, you'd do a far better job than Norman

[@robinthefool8960]

His feet are hard at work

[@darcy501]

"A woman doesn't mind dying so much if she knows her body will be preserved." I saw Fredrik Knudsen's long livestream archive about Empress Theresa (it was in fact his Down the Rabbit Hole episode what interested me in this... eh... """book""") and it was quite interesting to see that the author did a whole essay about Joan D'arc and proposed that she did not die from being burned alive, but succumbed to heat stroke. It isn't a surprise that the author does not understand a smidge of physics as a result of this attempt to change the cause of death of the subject, but also it is to note that Theresa can be seen as a sort of "Joan D'arc avatar". When comparing the essay to this... eh... """book""", I cannot help but see how this autor seems to be very interested in the preservation of the beauty of a corpse of a young (teenage) girl as an object of admiration. Boutin's obsession with showing his female protagonist as perfect, pure and good does not stop when the character ceases to be alive, she should also be beautifully preserved as a corpse.... otherwise how is he going to think about her in his most intimate moments of.... meditation? Ahem... It helps to put things in perspective, to my understanding. And of course I recommend checking out on that video because I find it fascinating, albeit rather marathonic with its 3 hours, 35 minutes of duration. (also I wanna note that I adore the length of these videos, they are excellent company while working on my crafts!)

[@evies.1018]

Mushi Moosh It’s especially ironic that he’s obsessed with preserving Theresa since they went out of their way to make sure that Joan was fully burned (save for her heart)

[@Mateus_Carvalho]

Honestly, the JRPG version of Joan of Arc was closer to the proper Joan of Arc than what this chucklefuck wrote.

[@ayajade6683]

When someone is burned at the stake they die if smoke inhalation before they can die of heat stroke or being burned to death .

[@haggisa]

Mushi Moosh Huh, the point about his obsession with the preservation of Theresa’s corpse’s beauty is such an interesting one...he really does seem to devote a needlessly long part of the book to driving home the point about how flawless his heroine looked even after death. It’s like all of his favourite stories are either biographies of saints, or fairytales like “Sleeping Beauty” and “Snow White”, who are both examples of pure, virtuous, beautiful girls, whose bodies remain in the state of stasis after they are poisoned, and then become objects of male desire even when unconscious. His religious guilt seems to make him unable to admit to himself, that he’s sexualising Theresa, and yet his sexual fixation can’t be suppressed. How very medieval of him.

[@NoRegs30]

Thun Sioux Which one? Joan of Arc is used A LOT in media and the Japanese like to use her a lot too

[@JeanetHenning]

Guys, I figured it out, Hal did the "survival makes him create special powers for Theresa thing" when Theresa was dead and so he took over her body when she was already brain dead and it's been him controlling her body since that point. That totally explains her not acting like a human for the remainder of the book. Norman's a underappreciated genius!

[@evilyogurt2469]

problem is she didn’t act like a human before then either

[@Dr.Sho_Minamimoto]

@@evilyogurt2469 Which is probably one of *MANY* reasons why the US government tried to eradicate them rather then hand them over to the SCP foundation (or their in world counterpart) for containment. Though I imagine even doing that would probably fall apart since our “heroine” is a sociopath that literally has a spoog monster inside her that will do what she wants.

[@alexjewett7455]

The only problem is she didn't act any more human before her thousand foot fall.

[@serene1172]

There’s a character in a book called ‘What Moves The Dead’ by t. Kingfisher where that basically happens, except it’s a shroom.

[@MagicalHatStudios]

"A woman doesn't mind dying so much if she knows her body will be preserved." I have been explicit and clear to my husband about being cremated and if Norman puts him of the idea so help me I will have serious haunting to do.

[@maggiee639]

Don’t make my corpse attractive that’s fucking weird

[@isdrakon9802]

@@maggiee639 luckily people like that don't have to worry, I look like a blob fish so I'm eternally ugly

[@kidinthekelp5570]

Same, like, someone disintegrate my body. If I'm dead, I'm dead, lemme be that way

[@mksabourinable]

I especially find this funny bc my Irish Catholic heritage family fucking cremate everyone. Not a single person has been buried as a body, everyone has been cremated THEN buried. So like. If she's supposed to be of the same heritage, why is this a thing??? Also like. I was raised Catholic. I know full damn well you're not supposed to care about your body. Like if you're a saint? Then fine, bc then it's bc you were so holy that your body ended up getting some of the stuff rubbed off on it. But like. Vanity is a sin. Your SOUL is what matters. Even with the saint thing it's mostly bc of this weird tradition of putting bones of saints in churches baring their names. BONES. THEIR BODIES NEED NO PRESERVATION. Like especially considering how much martyrdom and shit is valued in the Catholic Church.... Jfc. Lots of em are just bones or mutilated corpses once they get em anyway. Which also like... The money thing??? Uh yea no that's not..... No. [For clarification I am Canadian, not American]

[@wolfetteplays8894]

Actually cremation is more likely to create a vengeful spirit and you won't be reborn on judgement day so you'll wind up in hell according to the old testament

[@JimmyJoeBob]

They should cast Nick Cage to play Theresa in the movie.

[@ronnickels5193]

And he has to be wearing crooked lipstick and a bad wig.

[@DrZuluGaming]

If he goes all batshit "NOT THE BEES" Nick Cage, not gonna lie, I would watch the shit out of that movie.

[@glumbortango7182]

Please don't say "the movie" like it's definitely going to happen

[@cartooncritique6625]

@@glumbortango7182 Honestly, (given all the other terrible books that have gotten movie adaptations) I wouldn't be surprised. -__-

[@corsaircarl9582]

@@glumbortango7182 You do not know how much I want this monstrosity as a movie/mini-series.

[@SneezyReviews]

Here's a fun idea: Empress Theresa is actually canonically the propaganda book commissioned by Theresa who is now the most hated Dictator of the World. Imagine writing fanfic from "Real" people's perspectives of what life is actually like living under the terrifying regime of Theresa. Anyone??

[@squidfromtheloft7894]

That would depend. Are you aiming for Lord of the Rings where an average individual can rise up to do great things? This may or may not include the downfall of Theresa. Or, are you going for Animal Farm?

[@norabaker5388]

Maybe one of her thousands of kids decide to overthrow her, like that one anime I can't remember the name of

[@halempyrion4406]

@@norabaker5388 Hollow Knight?

[@norabaker5388]

@@halempyrion4406 yeah

[@dagda1180]

@@norabaker5388 Greek Mythology?

[@alanbryant1477]

"God can't ignore a hundred million people!" Mao Zhedong: *imma pretend I didn't see that*

[@aturchomicz821]

hahaha...

[@shosty575]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@comicsans1689]

>implying those were people

[@RicardoMontania]

@@comicsans1689 edge lord

[@bouin91]

@@RicardoMontania Still funny.

[@Underthecape]

That's exactly how I feel. My body MUST be preserved because how else will I have an open casket and have around standing around gawking at how I'm much prettier than all the girls that are alive and at the funeral.

[@romulusnuma116]

You want your friend and family to be able perve on your corpses

[@user-hanging-at-the-hanged-man]

Romulus Numa as a woman, I can stand by her decision

[@TwighlightLugia]

For those of us that want to be catcalled post-mortem.

[@megankarow2328]

i find it funny that a video called “theresa is repetitive” has shown up in my recommended multiple times after watching it

[@SuperBoyboys]

Y'know, the way Theresa solves problems reminds me of 90s adventure game puzzles

[@KM-hv1jg]

This girl would 100% throw a custard pie at a yeti.

[@1Thunderfire]

@@KM-hv1jg I get that reference and I've never even played the game.

[@deathstinger13]

maybe the first one or two. Before long she just opens up the command console

[@barborka408]

I just had a thought... is Theresa hairy AF? I'm not willing to believe even for a second, that the only part of her body that grows thick hair is her head. It would make much more sense for HAL to decide that the best thing for Theresa is to grown a thick and long body hair the moment she gets cold or hot, which she 100% would at some point. I guess what I'm trying to say is, that Theresa is walking around looking like a Sasquatch since the age of 10.

[@Niobesnuppa]

Maybe that's why the TV technicians were laughing when she said "You should've seen me in that black little nothing I was wearing when I first met my husband!" or whatever she said.

[@Emu19]

As way more sensical as it is, I don't think Mr. Norman could stand the thought of his beautiful, perfect Theresa being absolutely SWALLOWED by hair. Something tells me he would probably find body hair "unattractive" on a female. He just has a certain way of portraying Theresa as my mom does...

[@d.lan3y]

HAL induces a rare genetic anomaly called Alexandria's Genesis, actually.

[@dantefarge3369]

@@d.lan3y that’s why she never mentions periods on the book

[@baslewis]

@@d.lan3y hey pal! why did you make me emotionally process that sentence?

[@GrifoStelle]

Every time I hear "father Doughnutty" I can't help laughing. It must be "Donati"... But I keep hoping Papa pastry will come back ❤

[@knshinn2]

OC FATHER DOUGHNUT STEEL

[@FizzieWebb]

from another source it is "Father Donoughty"

[@MysteriumArcanum]

@@FizzieWebb that's fucking hilarious because if you change the second "O" to an "A" it becomes Father Donaughty (Father Do Naughty) so that makes it sound like the priest is a kiddie fiddler.

[@gracekim1998]

Yeah I keep hearing that too🤣

[@SwiftNimblefoot]

@@FizzieWebb Or Do Naughty? :D

[@juriartt]

"A woman doesn't mind dying so much if she knows her body will be preserved." I'm currently reading "From Here to Eternity", by Caitlin Doughty (a mortician and KZbinr! her channel is Ask a Mortician, it's really fun). One topic that she has mentioned in more than one situation is exactly the weird stuff that happened to some famous women's corpses, either because someone (usually a man) thought that their beauty should be preserved or the opposite, they were considered "freaks" that should be ogled at. Some of them have been outright stolen from their resting places just so someone could preserve them somehow and put them on display. She discusses it specifically because it's such an objectifying move made by men towards women's bodies, so... Yeah, this phrase makes Norman sound all the more creepy. I honestly don't want my body to be preserved, I want it to decompose. That's what it wants to do. That's what corpses do. Also, thanks for suffering for all of us and reading this book to then try and explain it in a rational manner.

[@shaydawn7376]

I was looking for this comment, otherwise I felt obligated to comment it myself. Well said :)

[@schmohobzsia7216]

Very good observation! Also hi fellow deathling! ^^

[@Niobesnuppa]

That's so disturbing. And yeah, I want to be cremated personally, I want my body gone when I am.

[@SaintAlessa]

A+ comment

[@gcooper642]

Yes this made me think of Caitlin's video about Eva Peron's body. Just madness what happened to that corpse and how it was moved around.

[@xenon8927]

Wait. a young mary sue protagonist who gains absurd super powers from an alien object inside them? This is reaper's creek all over again

[@comicsans1689]

Onision is the one who plagiarized.

[@AnnoPlays]

The worst part about the 'A woman doesn't mind dying...' is that I actually know what the guy's, let's say misinterpreting, to get to this. It has to do with suicide rates. This is all to do with demographics, of course, but women have a higher rate of suicide attempts than men, but men have a higher rate of completed suicides than women overall. The reasons, again boiled down to statistics and not individuals, is that men who decide to end their lives trend more to efficient methods that just get the job done, regardless of how messy or brutal it is. Self-inflicted gunshots, hanging, suicide by cop, whatever. Women, again on balance, trend towards more 'polite' methods. Pills, wrists, CO poisoning, etc. The lower completed rate has to do with those methods providing a MUCH larger window of opportunity to save the person if discovered. Two main reasons for the behaviour (and you can see where the guy's coming from) are generally accepted to be either consideration to whoever actually has to clean up the mess after, or wanting to leave an intact body behind to be mourned. I've heard this reported as 'wanting to leave behind a beautiful body,' as much as I know that statement will rub people the wrong way. TL;DR: It's not that women 'don't mind dying,' it's that a woman is less likely to stick a shotgun in her mouth.

[@Ramsey276one]

Less likely mean it has happened I assume I DONT WANT TO GOOGLE I DO NOT FEEL LUCKY... XD

[@vainpiers]

It could also be how to hand the methods are. Women are more likely to seek treatment for depression and will be prescribed antidepressants and reach for that when they want to end their lives, men are more likely to own a gun and therefore reach for that. That could be another factor although I haven't properly researched it

[@TheSergio1021]

This is an insightful theory into why the author thinks in such a screwed up way

[@bexb3557]

AnnoPlays As true as this is, I think you're giving him too much credit. I very much doubt this man had such a logical thought process.

[@kylamamber9080]

@@bexb3557 Yeeah, I bet the man was just like "Women want to be pretty in life, so as long as they're pretty in death they'd be fine with dying!"