Theresa is Boring! A Book Review of Empress Theresa | Part 1

[@Maddy-ny8dz]

I can't believe empress theressa 5-minute-crafted her way out of a government execution

[@KrimsonRogue]

This is now one of my favorite comments ever!

[@mackerelmafia2898]

@@KrimsonRogue Absolute legend, still reading the comments after two and a half years

[@Chocobo0Scribe]

I’d also say she somehow TroomTroom’d her way out

[@messiyer13]

@@KrimsonRogue Have you read anything worse than Empress Theresa?

[@noveltea9593]

Ohhh burn 🔥 😅

[@cyrusphoenix0289]

I want "im sitting on a throne of books your opinion means jackshit to me." On a t-shirt

[@Anyratac]

CyrusEros how much would you pay for one

[@cyrusphoenix0289]

@@Anyratac i mean if its something like redbubble it depends on the design or art thats involved 23 bucks is average Also material comes in to mind

[@Hopppp]

CyrusEros I really like your pfp, what is it?

[@cyrusphoenix0289]

@@Hopppp i think its a vocaloid. I googled guy vocaloid. Ill get back to you about what it is.

[@kaidorade1317]

I would buy that shirt!

[@Mels0103]

Chapter One: I was a cute kid Chapter Four: I skydived thousands of feet with my Coke bottles in my armpits

[@t.thomas8919]

Pacing... where the hell are you?!

[@XenRiddle]

Legendary...

[@BichaelStevens]

JRPG logic: Chapter one: find lost kitty Chapter ten: Enter the womb of mankind to kill the primordial God

[@NosferatuWickedTTRPG]

@@BichaelStevens To be fair you already have a 100 hours in game with JRPGs lol

[@ForcedHandleName]

She ain't gonna be too cute after she lands.

[@mathsucker13]

Tbh, "Lucy the crackhead who lives under the stairs" is a much more compelling premise and character than whatever this is.

[@amonrawya3064]

I would read a book about Lucy, the crackhead who lives under the stairs.

[@thedeepfriar745]

Cormac McCarthy could take that character and turn it into an award winning novel

[@TheMrMojoRisin67]

Sounds like a Nightvale parody character.

[@funnynickname1126]

@@TheMrMojoRisin67this got a laugh out of me, thank you lmao

[@devilishjester7718]

New sonic OC game protagonist confirmed

[@Gotham_Outlaw]

"I'm sitting on a throne of books" *Knowledge is power*

[@hydrofalls8154]

the best part

[@sugarm1860]

Game of Books sounds like such a good show

[@thevoidlookspretty7079]

An Emperor Rogue. How’s that for a royal title?

[@Gotham_Outlaw]

@@thevoidlookspretty7079 He would be on a Thanos level of power seeing as how Thanos was knowledgeable himself.

[@michelsand5399]

"Heavy is the head, that wears the paper crown." -Krimson Rogue 2019

[@hibbityschwibbity6202]

Moral to the story: Be nice to the critics. Sometimes they're the only ones who buy your book

[@BigPuddin]

More people have seen this critique than bought that lunatic's book.

[@zakai-kaz]

The Raddest Chad 🇹🇩

[@BigPuddin]

@@zakai-kaz Ah, the land of eternal vampires. Lovely place.

[@GrumbleBricks]

It's either them or the universities

[@imveryangryitsnotbutter]

These days, the only thing exposure pays for is COVID.

[@ponypublications]

The line "I was born, I had a good time, I was vaporized by a bomb" would actually be kinda funny in a better book ngl.

[@Error403HRD]

Actually, I'm using this as a writing prompt now.

[@ponypublications]

@@Error403HRD Awesome! Someone needs to do it justice.

[@jptata3161]

See that's a good first sentence! I want to read that book.

[@angelsartandgaming]

I want to put this line in a Guardians of a Galaxy fic cause this seems like a GOTG quote. Rocket: Well, I was born, had a good time, was vaporized by a bomb.

[@KaliqueClawthorne]

@@angelsartandgaming The mantis(cosplayer) in me : Ohh, you poor little cat. You need a hug.

[@JackHallowLantern]

I've been working on a book idea for 10 years. Had the idea since I was twelve. Since its conception, I have written, erased, rewritten, and revised my ideas and writing in meticulous and excruciating detail. I was convinced for years that my ideas were stupid, or that my writing wasn't "good enough". If it was less than perfect, it wasn't worth sharing. After seeing several reviews of literature, all of which is better burned in a symbolic fire than read with mortal eyes...I have decided to give my novel the ol' college try, because, dear God in Heaven, anything I write cannot be as bad as this.

[@elizabethyoung5304]

Yeah, watching the reviews in this series I feel vindicated. So, it's back to editing my two novel rough drafts. Hope you have fun as well in your own endeavors @Jack o'Lantern

[@thequeenofcringe1585]

I once got the idea for a story where you have to remove the brain or heart of a shapeshifter in order to kill one, because otherwise the shapeshifter could just heal themselves with the shapeshifting powers. I thought it would make shapeshifters overpowered, but it turns out that they weren’t. Shapeshifters can still die of old age, it just takes much longer than humans. Turns out setting clear limitations and keeping the magic consistent makes a better story.

[@TheAdrift]

Here’s the most valuable piece of advice I’ve ever gotten: “If you’re worried about whether or not you can ever do something right, don’t be, because there is someone out there CONFIDENTLY doing it wrong as we speak!” 🤣 In all seriousness, the fact that you even acknowledge that you could make a mistake means you’re headed in the right direction. From one writer to another, you got this! 😊

[@koppsr]

@some rando That is legitimately the best advice I've ever heard. I'm going to print that on a shirt and wear it every god damn day from now on.😎👍👍👍👍

[@zamp_gaming]

I've been working on mine since freshmen year of high school. It's been 15 years. At least a dozen rewrites, revisions, new ideas, scrapping of old ones. I felt the same as you for so long and kept my writing restricted to just a couple select friends. Not even my husband has read more than a chapter, and that was about two rewrites ago. Books like this give writers like us a much needed confidence boost. There's no doubt in my mind our books will be far better than this dumpster fire.

[@Διόνυσος-ξ5ξ]

First Image: Jesus has entered the video and sits on a throne draped in the fur of a Dalmatian, surrounded by volumes of man's greatest works and in his hand, he holds man's greatest mistake.

[@stoppickingurnose7852]

This is beautiful.

[@elenaobradovic4181]

This is better Christian imagery than anything in the book itself

[@adrianinha19]

I love this!

[@lud3445]

And a pillow saying just one more chapter

[@skyblade7438]

If it's as comfortable as Krim says, I should try that book chair some time.

[@ImportAustralia]

"Congratulations Onision, you are no longer the worst writer I've ever read." You're telling me... this is worse than Reaper's Creek. JESUS.

[@shosty575]

CHRIST

[@dillonparker6624]

Reapers creek was bad because it was a power fantasy fan fic for Greg. Empress Theresa is barely even a story, like there is no real characters or story to speak of. If your story is missing a story, then your story is awful.

[@ImportAustralia]

@@dillonparker6624 Iunno. This dude's OC is starting to sound like just as much of a power fantasy as Greg's self insert at this point.

[@oriihimeno]

I honestly can't tell the difference.

[@skyblade7438]

I mean, Theresa doesn't have underage sex.

[@whatifgaming1661]

"I was born. I had a good time. I was vaporized by a bomb." This line would have been very meaningful...if it wasnt from this book.

[@ForcedHandleName]

That sounds like a really good opening line in a better book.

[@jennasyde5677]

It sounds like it's come straight from Douglas Adams

[@CaptainTittus]

Sounds like what I would say after being nuked off the face of the earth does this section of the book go into anything related to the nuking of Japan? From what I am getting from everyone is that is a no

[@graceanderson8731]

Interesting perspective. Usually when people draw attention to that line it's to call it funny, but here people deem it one of the best aspects of this story. Just goes to show how everyone is different.

[@juanmoreno6591]

@@graceanderson8731 It's both. It is indeed a line that has a lot of potential as a set up for a story and which a skilled writter could run with for something fantastic. But is also completely absurd in the way it is actually used in this book.

[@raikaschieck1634]

"I was cute as a button" as an opening line would work, if you make the story about that. I had the idea of a girl who won child beauty pageants multiple times, which serious distorts her self image and world view, as she grows up.

[@unimpartialobserver]

What if she grew up, wasn't cute anymore, and was rejected by everyone now that she was of no more use to them?

[@janjanbinks1710]

@@unimpartialobserver That's a cool premise : Theresa as a child was this talented and gifted child and her family "adores" her since they exploited said talent. They never cared for her outside of how useful she is for them, and so after she grows up she gets intense burnout and falls into denial and shame since she's no longer her family's special girl and they no longer sing her praises or love her anymore due to her intense burnout that makes her useless to them. She struggles with her self worth and falls into deep depression, she sees no meaning to her life now that she's not the family's showpony, and she hallucinaes this extra terrestrial being inhibiting her body and giving her super powers that make her feel special again and make everyone interested in her again. She falls so deep into denial that she can't see her sad reality anymore.

[@stratoshine]

@@janjanbinks1710 why do publishing companies pick up people like the author of this book and not people like you :sob:

[@handhelder823]

​@@janjanbinks1710relatable lol

[@willpitts5223]

​@stratoshine If it makes you feel any better, they didn't. This was self-published.

[@reapeashooter2]

I'd call Norman the YandereDev of literature, but at least he finished his book.

[@KrimsonRogue]

Shots fired. XD

[@ember3411]

This comment needs more appreciation

[@natemanning924]

Dude, just turn yourself in. You are a goddamn murderer.

[@theedgypenguin4083]

Okay that was beautiful

[@pasiaangelo6442]

Jesus christ you murdered him.

[@RawkLobstah88]

"I've seen better foreshadowing on the expiration date on my milk" Oh my god this is brilliant.

[@fellowhuman8830]

I'm going to use that for criticism

[@beeze-knees]

Me: *WRITE THAT DOWN* *WRITE THAT DOWN*

[@kenwood_9474]

That was seriously good!

[@left-2-write28]

I actually choked on my coffee laughing at that. Still disappointing I wasn't drinking milk to make it ironic.

[@KaiKrimson56]

@@left-2-write28 *Milk one day before it expires.

[@Snoogen11]

What Krimson said: "Congratulations Onision, you are no longer the worst author I have ever read" What Onision heard: "I'm so sorry Greg, I was wrong in my initial analyses, and I have reviewed my opinion. You are the most godly and manly writer that ever existed and I really hope you don't throat punch me like 23 star master general president diety arthur did to those airmen".

[@user-hanging-at-the-hanged-man]

Snoogen11 **those poor airmen who didn’t do anything before I broke his arm and gouged out his eye*

[@chongjunxiang3002]

Please don't drop my jaw like the 14 years old LORD Daniel did to girlfriend father.

[@skyblade7438]

@@chongjunxiang3002 Please allow me the dignity of a magnificent coffin.

[@licasabinaandreea2361]

Please do not defeat me like you did with that school shooter- oh....WAIT

[@natemanning924]

If you try hard enough, you can turn any comment section into an Onision bad circle jerk.

[@rogerroger9952]

Me: "Yeah, this book is obviously garbage, but it's not much worse than some wattpad stories or fanfictions. Him: "And that's just the first chapter." Me: "Humanity was a mistake."

[@bloodrosereaper2099]

Almost makes you want to build a time machine, go back to the primordial earth and kick our fishy ancestor back into the ocean before that asshole even thinks about coming on land.

[@theflyingspaget]

Wattpad stories usually written by 10-20 year olds who end up cringing at their work as they improve and move on. This book was released when Norman was about 50. Sure, maybe he'd never written before that, but the series doesn't get any better as it goes on. Wattpad and fanfiction is 100 times better than this mess.

[@lunaeons45]

@theflyingspaget plus its kinda fun watching writers get better in real time.

[@KamiRecca]

The cover always strikes me as a woman in a commercial pilots uniform standing on an airfield.

[@ZiessRides]

I thought the same thing lol

[@knshinn2]

@Crow Theresa And The Magic Railroad

[@nickirkland1347]

I'm 2 mins in... it wasn't?? Edit: I reached the cover analysis... I thought those men on the ground are planes or something lol

[@suspicioususer]

After closer inspection its suppose to be an Army Uniform. aaaand she's a 5 star General because of course she is

[@siluriantides]

@@suspicioususer I'M A FIVE-STAR MAN

[@Jean-Berry]

Onision: "I am the author of the worst book in the history of literature" Norman: *Hold my garbage bag of 11 coke bottles*

[@mintchoco625]

And the coke ain't from a company, if you get my drift

[@LegoManiac_101]

Jean Maté Adolf Hitler: “Halte Mein Bier”

[@MegaFat1]

Onision is still probably the worst.

[@OneEyeShadow]

@@mintchoco625 "Is Pepsi okay?" "No. How am I supposed to snort that?"

[@cartoonosaurus]

The worst part about the Coke bottles is that she doesn't even drink them, she just dumps the soda on the floor. What a waste.

[@songweretson]

Wait. "Theresa's a good girl. Theresa doesn't talk to reporters." .... but she was on TV. Which, I imagine, involves talking about reporters.

[@LucasDeziderio]

You don't understand. She never talked to them. She just stood there. Menacingly.

[@onyxrose4349]

@@LucasDeziderio SHE'S JUST STANDING THERE. MENACINGLY!!!

[@alexanderinoa7850]

Lucas Dezidério Yare yare, you’re really trying to interview me?

[@ZorotheGallade]

@@onyxrose4349 WEE WOO WEE WOO

[@rooksclown316]

@@ZorotheGallade Theresa is in the mailbox!

[@-niaa]

I think, canonically, the officers thought Theresa was just really emotionally attached to the garbage bag, possibly even the garbage in the bag, and could not bring themselves to strip her of her last dignity to bring her comfort trash to her execution.

[@-niaa]

I think about that garbage bag in this light a lot. She didn’t have a genius escape plan, she just really liked the shape of the coke bottles and collected them for pure joy.

[@gabbodelaparrawrites]

That's giving too much credit and emotional depth to that man's writing skills. It also sounds like something Prime Minister Whatever would say to make the case for Empress Tee. 😅

[@mypasswordsareplottingagai9448]

Lmaoo 😭😭

[@Tcoldsteel]

Comfort trash…😂

[@KM-hv1jg]

“You wouldn’t part a Mary Sue from her trash?”

[@noprobsrobs8680]

"How many of you are there?" "Hundreds." "That's a lot of people." This exchange is so uncanny and hilarious that it's like something a character in a Monty Python sketch would say.

[@wolfieinu]

@Lassi Kinnunen "And now for something completely different. Coke bottles"

[@akaijuinomaha5324]

I’m pretty sure this entire book is a Monty Python sketch

[@CAMSLAYER13]

I can hear it on Eric idles voice

[@kgpspyguy]

There actually are SOME concepts in this book that could be really interesting if they were implemented by a competent writer. I like the idea of a child being gifted with cosmic power, and then using that power to win at baseball of all things. That line about "Hal" giving her super strength as it was needed, rather then all at once could've also been interesting if done right. IE That bit where she tries to bend the horseshoes and can't do it until Hal "seems to get the idea." Is actually sort of compelling. I don't know, maybe I'm just desperate to find something positive in all this.

[@CAMSLAYER13]

@@kgpspyguy hey even a blind squirrels is right twice a day. You'd hope that after so many random plot points that go nowhere there'd be /something/ that has potential.

[@baileybrian9560]

"He aimed for wonder woman, and we got Lucy the crackhead who lives under the stairs" LOL

[@SallinKari]

"You're a wizard Lucy... but we're going to leave you under the stairs."

[@joethehero2]

A.K.A.: Bonkers Betty from ASBR. Outta my way, sperm bank!

[@QJ89]

"Do you have any humility?" "I do not know what that means!"

[@PoyntFury]

To be fair, even if Onision isn't the worst author, he still has the lovely distinction of being the worst person.

[@sorrychangedmyusername3594]

Jaystation would be equal to him.

[@winterwolf6910]

Neither would Onision to be fair

[@souvikmitra6161]

@leah rose but he has completion in Itookgaypotion I mean Iamjaystation...

[@porcirain9143]

@@souvikmitra6161 yeah he's terrible but as far as I know he hasn't left multiple people with broken self esteem and groom multiple teen agers

[@BJWFenix]

if you want a worse writer and a barely better human check out brett keane..

[@StrawberryNova]

...Norman referring to Krimson as being "immersed in fourth rate media" and then directly saying his character is better due to avoiding "THE media" irks me because it implies that not only does Norman refuse to acknowledge the difference between media (books, movies, etc) and THE media (reporters and the like), but that he's okay with making himself look like an idiot for the sake of saying "you're a troll and my waifu OC is better than you." Willful ignorance is annoying.

[@Kaanfight]

Normal was implying Krimson was just really into independent journalism that’s off the beaten path

[@Grim_Sister]

Norman also writes that his character hates classical art and architecture (when she visits France). The man won’t know good media if you stole a Rembrandt and hit him with it

[@shipper-of-heart8898]

@@Grim_Sister which is funny because Norman compares his book to some of the greatest writings ever. But what can you expect from a man who compares his character to Stalin and Hitler?

[@kevincairo8917]

@@shipper-of-heart8898 heh, even writing a character comparable to your mentioned people can be great. Tanya from Saga of Tanya the Evil is literally little girl H itler yet it's better written than Norman's waifu oc.

[@teslashark]

Norman is likely actually insane, but never tested himself for scizophrenia or OCD.

[@OdaSwifteye]

Elderly man writes novel about his OC Lolita Waifu.

[@absolutelyyousless7605]

He even has bad/normie taste in his waifu... -He should have picked monster girls instead.-

[@Ashamaxa]

@@absolutelyyousless7605 Furry waifu

[@snowlee6690]

@@Ashamaxa no monster fuckers and furries are two different groups, tho they intersect at times aka werewolf

[@punchyboi6915]

Read by English major jesus

[@L_mattox]

@@AshamaxaYES

[@misery8264]

I just looked up Empress Theresa on Goodreads while watching this and almost fell off of my couch because Onisions books are listed in the ''Readers also enjoyed'' section next to it xD

[@Jrez]

That's perfect. I never thought of finding more "so bad it's good" garbage that way!

[@bificommander]

"Readers also enjoyed" Does pointing and laughing count as enjoying? I guess it does.

[@1redrider100]

Pretty sure it’s mostly hate-readers more than anything else. Lol. Doesn’t speak well of either.

[@nessyness5447]

more like "readers also suffered with"

[@setlerking]

I mean if you’d genuinely enjoy this book you would probably enjoy those too

[@DavidArcher_]

"Compared to me Hitler will be but a footnote!"

[@ryankelley2983]

Makes it sound like she's gonna be empress of the holocaust 2: electric boogaloo

[@Ramash440]

AKA when somebody compares you to Hitler but you get offended because Hitler was a pansy compared to you.

[@TheThreatenedSwan]

It's a matter of indifference to me what a weak western European civilization will say about me

[@tomservo9254]

All I could think of from that line was how in Dune Messiah Paul quite literally makes exactly that statement about himself, but its impact is actually fully appropriate for the book's intent.

[@couragew6260]

Tom Servo I tend to hate it a lot when characters try to downplay a historical figure in some way unless the situation isn’t so much “I’m better than this person” but rather “I might as well be this person with what I’ve done.”

[@TheEquestrianGallade]

Wait, so Theresa got a boyfriend, broke up with him because he's a two-timer, got a new boyfriend and married him, all in a single chapter in a book this freaking long? Complete with irrelevant bloviating and lack of actual detail? Onision's books had better love stories than that!

[@bubbletea6269]

I don’t know. They both have equal amounts of shit.

[@frankisnot1148]

At least Stones to However the FUCK You Spell That Name was somewhat cohesive and had something that looked like a plot.

[@thequeenofcringe1585]

@@frankisnot1148 not even just Stones to Broken Girl Who Needs Onion to Save Her, but in Lesbian Fetishization and Onion Becomes God too. At least with the lesbian character in Lesbian Fetishization. There’s some semblance of a buildup, even if it’s SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE.

[@shipper-of-heart8898]

@@thequeenofcringe1585 I cant tell what's worse- that or 'Reaper's Creek of a boy who has psychotic episodes and gets into a graphic sexual relationship with a girl two years older that keeps going until shes 18 and hes 16,then he learns he's the product of incestual r*pe between two god siblings and he becomes God in the process and gets physically older, with his gf making a remark of 'awww now you're too old for me' so basically admitting she's a p-do

[@thequeenofcringe1585]

@@shipper-of-heart8898 it’s all horrible

[@jesterdicicco9794]

"Bonus points I don't pay them in exposure I pay them in money" King go OFF!

[@jadendafinger]

Nat DiCicco you referring to the company that made candy crush?

[@GregoryMom]

ah yes screaming communist grape

[@jadendafinger]

GregoryMom It is I also this is actually the sprite for when marx (soul) shoots his laser

[@lazylittledragon]

A common expression used for first drafts of novels is "Saying your book is bad on the first draft is like saying your cake tastes bad while the ingredients are still on the counter." This book is like if you walked out of the store, dropped your bag of ingredients in the middle of the road, let it get run over by seven cars, took it home and made the cake anyway. Then set it on fire.

[@PEDROGARCIA-qj3gr]

Exactly, I actually find some lines he wrote pretty funny, even the main character could fit in a dark comedy if all the point with her was being a narcissistic and hypocritical person with superpowers.

[@bmiller7419]

I’m feeling inspired lmao

[@justin2308]

Imagine if someone tried to make a movie of this book. The only way you could is if you put the book on a counter, cut its entire mass into uneven sections, pick a plot point you want, and then look through every section for anything that could work with that plot. Cut everything you find out with scissors, then paste it all in the order you feel works best to make the first draft of the script. You could have maybe 20 different movies from the same source material.

[@joshuarieder2865]

@@justin2308 It may work as a Netflix series following that same methodology. Considering how long it is, it could be a few seasons. And it would probably be better than the book by orders of magnitude, depending on whose hands it gets put into. An interesting way to put it is it could be a sci-fi fantasy with some sections of a slice of life of Teresa Sullivan. Maybe go into how she uses her powers, the consequences of such, her wrestling with the moral implications with herself, her religion, and everyone else, and get more creative with it than Norman. Maybe even use some of the critiques Krimson lays out in his series to improve it. The endings could either be a cautionary tale of absolute power corrupting absolutely or a tale of a hero trying to come to terms with her newfound power and making the world better off through a delicate balancing act. There's something interesting underneath all of the crap that Norman wrote, it's just that Norman is unable to deflate his ego enough to see it and improve upon it.

[@nateharris9375]

@@PEDROGARCIA-qj3gr When I first heard about this book I thought it was supposed to be similar to death note. A kid with a god complex and a very childish world view gets some sort of power. They then use that power to try and make the world a better place, but since they are a child with no experience or skills at anything relating to that they end up doing exact opposite of what they want. I thought Theresa was supposed to be the villain at first.

[@Channel-dg5tn]

I'm just imagining KR walking into a Staples, raking the shelves clean of tabs, and then going up to the manager and asking if they have more. "But, sir, your cart is full." "MORE. TABS. PLEASE."

[@sharonspears-mandeville2369]

Cart? More like basket..but yeah,that- _and highlighters,so. Many. Highlighters,dude.._

[@ilexdiapason]

@@sharonspears-mandeville2369 no, there are enough that he needs a cart to fit them all

[@finnkatz]

I imagine he tetris' them so alot can fit

[@sharonspears-mandeville2369]

*kas :* nah,two trips,two carts and a basket.. And still..all the clearence-tagged highlighters.

[@skyblade7438]

He's the reason why there's rules against stockpiling.

[@quietbirdelenor]

I really liked how you pointed out that this is a case of men writing women poorly because it's exactly what I thought when the whole reason she gets to skip a grade is because her hair becomes beautiful so she's sent to be with 'girls who are the same level of emotional maturity as she is' that's such a creepy way to think, like now that she's old enough to be physically attractive to me it must mean she's so much more mature than the other girls her age. She's the embodiment of his male fantasy and it's disturbing that he chose to start with that when the character was a child.

[@HerneLiedel]

that's not just creepy that's just plain disgusting

[@KopperNeoman]

I note that you phrased that as if it would be okay were it a female fantasy. 🤔

[@quietbirdelenor]

@@KopperNeoman How so? you've misunderstood, his comment in the video was about men writing women poorly so that is what my comment addresses. Just because I don't add the fact that the same situation reversed would also be creepy doesn't mean I find it ok. Don't twist my comment into something it never was.

[@youdonegoofed]

@@KopperNeoman Weirdo.

[@Omega-lj9tq]

@@KopperNeomanincel

[@franklinturtle9849]

Empress Theresa changed my life during the covid pandemic. Someone had bought up all of the toilet paper, and this book got me through it.

[@ganii1804]

the book can probably give you more symptoms than the virus itself

[@weirddo3633]

@@ganii1804 Well to be fair, a symptom of the virus is a lost of taste

[@MsNotorials]

@@luisac919 no u

[@SenOutOfContext]

@@MsNotorials lol

[@bear1050]

@@luisac919 C U Next Tuesday

[@danielwesoowski7617]

"I was cute as heck at the age of ten" feels to me like it's the wrong kind of cute in this context.

[@jackhazardous4008]

Cute to a lonely old man

[@bigdaddydons6241]

@Schiggy 2319 Shane dawson?

[@QJ89]

Especially when a middle aged man is writing it. 😐

[@BigPuddin]

"I was heckin' cute, goshdarn it, pardon my French, suck my cock, shave my balls, touch my teats, smash my gash, tickle my pickle, pole my hole."

[@vollzeitfaultier]

@@BigPuddin i am sorry, but i have to steal that.

[@nachgeben]

"Who is selling dog doors for miniature horses?!" LMAO Bro, that was a legit Amazon commercial. He literally stole that idea from an Amazon commercial. That is the exact thing the commercial shows.

[@porguinturtle3854]

@@bookishmermaid9927 Who doesn't do that?

[@mediaguyking7045]

Bookish Mermaid in the commercial she just bought dog door for dogs, that conveniently works for miniature horses

[@Kralledd]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/Z6qVlIyajsmGrpo

[@lilaniloxi]

Yeah, and it seems that commercial came out a little before this book. so did he write it backwards?

[@TheAirBear2000]

@@mediaguyking7045 It makes me think of that baby carrier commercial from Gravity Falls. "IT WORKS FOR PIIIIIIIIIIIIGS!"

[@eggomccool]

god, the reveal of ' that was the end... of CHAPTER ONE' a full 50 minutes into the video was so fucking good

[@taffyadam6031]

i was terrified

[@grimgrinningghostie]

"That is the end... of the first chapter." idk about y'all but my jaw literally dropped

[@Solaris_102]

Wait I haven’t finished watching this so you mean to tell me that the first chapter is this entire video?

[@thepovdweller]

@@Solaris_102 yup and there's 6 parts so far of 1hr+

[@RogueT-Rex8468]

Byeonara, sounds like someone who can’t quite word properly and tried to synopsis the entire first book of a long series... and then left hooks you with the biggest horrific plot twist in history.

[@cyberus1403]

Lesoveron more like a good half of the video took up chapter one.

[@jackdaalfbrainork6392]

Byeonara it just gets worse from hare mate...

[@Shintigercurl]

hi krim. for those who don't know, the person who "challenged" norman........was me. i didn't expect krim to review this book. i merely brought him up because krim was the only book reviewer i trust and respect and norman hasn't any one do a proper review of the book on a larger platform. and if his book was truly good, krim would find some positives to say about it. needless to say, that simple challenge grew far beyond my own expectations. so now, i'm gonna sit back and enjoy watching norm's "masterpiece" get gutted in front of hundreds of thousands of people. and to you, krim, i salute you for doing what even i and many many others around the world couldn't do: actually finish reading this...................Apocolypse of literature.

[@mannequia8294]

u a brave boi

[@skyblade7438]

You have my eternal respect.

[@Tytoalba777]

I have a feeling that this video is going to be seen by more than hundreds of thousands of people. I predict that this is going to cross into the millions.

[@EG-mh8rc]

Verily, though hast done God's work.

[@Shintigercurl]

naw. i just challenged his world view and he picked the wrong kind of fight. on the flip side, he did start spamming my book's amazon page with negative comments and insulting the people who reviewed my novel. one of them being my sister.

[@justabitofamug6989]

"I've seen better foreshadowing on the expiration date of my milk" why did I laugh so hard at this

[@turtleanton6539]

Its a funny turn of phrase

[@formlesscorvid5336]

OH MY FUCKING GOD I LOOKED AT THIS AND READ IT IN SYNC WITH HIM SAYING IT

[@lollllolll.]

I laughed as well because we are used to the image of the mysterious and vague predictors in plot, expiration dates unironically are better at predicting than this stereotype

[@Princess2Warrior]

*In an age where we have books as bad as The Hunger Games and Harry Potter, why are we making fun of this man's work? What makes his book so special?* *Eh, at least all the talk about his book will be free-advertisement and increased sales for him. Thanks, lemmings.*

[@DeiUmbrarum]

@@Princess2Warrior In an age where we have books as adequate as The Hunger Games and Harry Potter, why are we making fun of this hilarious disaster that fails on every conceivable level? Dunno, hard to say. But I'm dying to know what you consider a good book now.

[@Ara_Arasaka]

You own an actual…. Physical copy of Empress Theresa… that’s like owning a real copy of hand drawn Sonichu in legendary bad books. Awesome.

[@milkwater1204]

I need both of these things

[@left-2-write28]

Do you think Norman thinks Theresa is real like Chris thinks all his nonsense is real? I honestly wouldnt put it past him.

[@ganii1804]

would unironically want physical copies of every sonichu issue

[@serenepogi]

@@left-2-write28 Norman wrote this for 40 years, the possibility is there

[@cameronpeterson6734]

I'm sure Norman believes he is married to Theresa in a different dimension that he has a psychic link to just like Chris Chan and his/her characters

[@lucyk8935]

"He aimed for Wonder Woman, and we got Lucy the Crackhead who lives under the stairs." this is gonna be my senior quote thank you

[@sabribeser2268]

She makes me want to start a Ressistance againts her world empire and liberate the United States of America from the tyrannical Mary Sue

[@Silverheartpro]

Username checks out

[@voilvelev6775]

I would 100% read a book called "Lucy the Crackhead, who lives under the stairs"

[@turkeygobblegod]

other you tubers: lol i’m a youtuber i’m a failure krimsonrogue: *flexes on a throne of books and his silver play button next to him*

[@slevinchannel7589]

Ok, but grammar?

[@psuedomyspace]

I feel it's earned. Especially considering the rambling contrarian dumpster fire that is the author of Empress Theresa, whose name means so little to me that I can't be fucked to scroll up and look at the title of the video where it's written. I've read Twilight, Onision's books, Fifty Shades of Grey, and Trigger Warning (highly unfortunately) and somehow this was worse than all of them combined.

[@jbones6930]

Ik now I want a throne of books

[@jackleanimations8382]

I never saw a youtubers call themselves a failure oomf

[@slevinchannel7589]

@@jackleanimations8382 Haha.

[@whiteraven562]

"This review isn't going to be too long; I won't go into too much detail" >Review is almost two hours long >Review is listed as "part 1"

[@Dragonatrix]

> Review only coves *4 chapters* (of 28!)

[@Sinstarclair]

@Grim reaper we might be sitting home for eons Pardon the pun

[@Shadeius]

@Grim reaper About 5 times longer than reading the books would be since it would be deconstruction of every sentence.

[@savanchandul7451]

If he pointed out all of the flaws he'll be done before he's 70

[@patriciasampson9317]

Only the bad sections... This may take some time.

[@claudis.4015]

On Theresa skipping the 5th grade because of her hair: That means Norman, a grown man, is describing the emotional maturity of his teenage protagonist through her physical attributes. Yeah... I don't like it.

[@Mario87456]

50:29 for those that want to see that exact part.

[@malikapollard3618]

Why would a man write a character of a young girl in this modern era ... ? What's his reference? Especially since he is writing from the girl's pov. Being a parent could help, but obviously it didn't. So tired of men writing female and female writing male protagonists without caring that what they think of the opposite sex is just wrong.

[@AshleyWilliams-xq7lj]

​​​​​​@@malikapollard3618 it's weird how a lot of writers don't bother to base opposite sexed characters on people they know well (their habits, perspectives, opinions etc.) It's also a good idea to have someone of the opposite sex look over it and point out anything that's off. These things take so little effort too. I'm instantly reminded of the times Krimson said "Is this what the author thinks guys are like???"

[@jaccobbailey8247]

@@AshleyWilliams-xq7lj I think it’s often a problem of perspective. There’s a lotta cultural context behind sex and gender, and it’s really hard to actually get that right. Now, to be fair, if you have a really hard time writing women, maybe you shouldn’t make your protagonist a female, but still. Normally it’s not as simple as just “write them like a person” because good god that’s not even advice; it’s a matter of context and perspective. And while you should have other women you know read through it for sensitivity focus and to hear what they think could improve it, there’s still a baseline problem there. Norman doesn’t seem to write ANYONE well tho, so who knows

[@Nightman221k]

I think he has a strange fetish for hair. The part where all the French people cry over Joan of Arc's skull having long strands of thick beautiful hair on it was weird as hell. First off, I always heard Joan cut her hair to look androgynous so I dunno if it'd be long, hair burns, and the French people crying over it? Oookay...

[@dee_is_tired]

Empress Theresa, written: she was beautiful, a gorgeous young lady whose sheer artistic features were time stopping Empress Theresa, drawn: what you get when you melt an ugly mannequin

[@sugars2070]

And she was a cute kid too

[@ahniandfriends123]

@@sugars2070 apparently if we saw this "cute kid" we would see an Uncanny valley Zelda-CDi-looking character that would appear in a dozen computer games when the creators wanted to create an older child character, if we were to go by this cover' s idea of what "attractiveness" is. (If you don't know what that looks like, think of a realistic child with the face of an adult that looked like it was photoshoped in "deepfake-style" )

[@dee_is_tired]

Marisa thanks for reminding of what I was glad to forget

[@dee_is_tired]

ahniandfriends123 like Renesme (?) in the last Twilight movie? bsjbsjds that was such a horrible idea

[@luxnoctis4730]

I read it as "a gorgeous young lady whose sheer _autistic_ features were time stopping."

[@PENGUINGIRL1210]

I see Theresa watched 5 minute crafts and learned how to make a lifejacket from a garbage bag and 11 coke bottles

[@atuaangie5160]

Imagine forgetting to close a bottle.

[@glitchlord6663]

@@atuaangie5160 enjoy drowning I guess.

[@BigPuddin]

Unless she was using those components to craft cybernetic parts to graft onto her like the Twenty Dollar Man or some shit, I would say that her more immediate concern would be bellyflopping into the ocean with enough force to shatter her vertebrae.

[@baumdf9134]

@@BigPuddin the twenty dollar man is for some reason one of the most hilarious things I read today (although it would technically be the twenty dollar woman)

[@BigPuddin]

@@baumdf9134 This kind of story doesn't merit accuracy like that.

[@lionscave5256]

Krimson: "This is all in chapter ONE." *Sees how much time has passed* Me: Oh no...

[@t.thomas8919]

Oh yes... I'm so happy I got snacks before clicking this. XD

[@Arsenik17]

That was weird, he said that just as I read your comment.

[@TravisBroski]

"These are the ONLY good chapters, it gets WORSE!" *video is mere minutes to ending* Dear God...

[@patrickfrost9405]

Mauler should give Crim some tips.

[@kayleenagel3732]

Sees entire review is only 4 chapters OH NO

[@Xehanort10]

2:55 He's basically a creepy old religious fanatic obsessed with Joan of Arc so he wrote a story where she's a Mary Sue called Theresa. The Claude Frollo of authors.

[@CorpusCacus]

Even Claude Frollo had a basic grasp of human interaction.

[@unimpartialobserver]

He's not even a religious fanatic; he's just a narcissist who either simps hard for Joan of Arc, or wishes he were her.

[@my_girl_seraphine5294]

He’s like how George R. R. Martin loves to write about little girls and women

[@aquaabouttogetfunky]

@@my_girl_seraphine5294at least George is a competent writer who writes compelling stories…

[@Paralellex]

"Theresa also has a tendency to take problems and solve them by making things much, much worse. Her solutions are some of the most creative and most idiotically dangerous things I have ever read." I don't think I've ever identified with the main character of a book more to be honest.

[@jadendafinger]

TechnicalTortuga this statement confuses me? could you elaborate. sorry for phrasing it weirdly

[@cyberus1403]

dont try to relate to a terrible character of a terrible book

[@jadendafinger]

@Morphing Taxi Oh. thanks! I just misinterpreted "Theresa knows what she's doing in the end :(" as Theresa knowing what she was doing like if you were to ask your friend "are you sure about this" and (s)he replies "I know what I'm doing!" I hope what i just said makes some sense

[@johngoodman4829]

Honestly he summed up every playthrough of Hitman I've ever done

[@riannelynn110]

So I looked it up, the author has a website saying that this book should be taught in middle and high school and I wholeheartedly agree: "How to not write 101"

[@shipper-of-heart8898]

Norman: My book is NOT a YA novel Also Norman: 'show this to a seven year old girl, she'll love Empress Theresa' 'Teachers, here's a study guide in case you want to use this in your classrooms' 'grade level- 3rd grade+'

[@unexpected2475]

What's utterly hilarious about that is one review for the book (shown on the Down the Rabbit Hole vid) was a teacher who said they were disappointed in it and were looking for some class reading.

[@Rainbowthewindsage]

Honestly I would use excerpts from the book in order to teach how to identify mistakes and criticize them in writing.

[@pavladavlas]

Destructive Writing 101

[@gracekim1998]

Yep

[@masonallen3961]

To be fair to Norman, talking about your fictional characters like they were real people is something a lot of authors do. Even some incredibly talented ones do that. I saw a documentary where they said J.D. Salinger used to do that. Oh my god. I feel unclean. I just compared J.D. Salinger to the idiot who wrote Empress Theresa. I am so sorry.

[@ZorotheGallade]

He uses it as a staple defense. "Well my character, which I purposefully stated being flawless, is flawless because I said so, that voids any contrary opinion you have"

[@anduro7448]

Thought that darn every author and his grandma does the "imagine fictional characters as real people" thing

[@ZorotheGallade]

​@@anduro7448 I do that to give them behaviors and reactions which are consistent with how real people would. Norman has it backwards. He thinks that only since he wrote his character that way, he can apply their twisted logic and morality to real life.

[@anduro7448]

@@ZorotheGallade k

[@nevada_tomato]

The person who wrote mato mliec also did that, just not for the entire book. Look it up. Great story too

[@pyrrhusofepirus8491]

17:55 this reminds me of a review of Empress Theresa: “Empress Theresa is not a good book, neither is it a terrible book. It is one of those things that convinced me of the infinite mercy of god, anything less than infinite mercy would have incinerated this book before it was unleashed on an unsuspecting public”

[@zoeb3573]

But if God's mercy was so infinite, surely he would have saved us from this

[@robertblack9381]

@@zoeb3573 It is, but his wrath towards sinful and unrepentant people is equally infinite, so perhaps this is a forewarning of his coming judgment

[@alli4149]

The Author chose his fate like Donovan chose his grail in Indiana Jones: poorly.

[@blokheadsreviews679]

Alli Does that make Krimson the knight in the temple?

[@alli4149]

Blok Head's Game Reviews yes, yes it does.

[@DocKrazy]

@@alli4149 I'm fine with this

[@lumps17]

CrimsonRogue: "The review is not going to go on that long, I'm not going to go into too much detail." Me: Looks at the timestamp: 18:35 Looks at total time: 1:42:22 Looks in recommended: *PART 5* HMMMM

[@KrimsonRogue]

Lol, oops. XD

[@nessyness5447]

there is part 5 now XD

[@GameTavern2224]

@@KrimsonRogue aren't those the guys who spent fifty million on coffee filters?

[@lumps17]

@@nessyness5447 Oh god. I'm going to watch it rn. XD

[@cyn7261]

He was on the first page when you made this comment. The first fucking page.

[@nerdytv7894]

From a distance, that cover actually looks like a screenshot from a really crappy Episode story...

[@EspiritoDeDafne]

When I saw this cover, I was sure it was a children book and I was like "why he's going to tear down a children book?"

[@michelsand5399]

Laura Lorenzi oh shit! Same here. The artstyle reminds me of the books my elementary school used to recommend to support authors/artists during the postwar period.

[@lkntgkltrndfl]

I thought it was a pixelated drawing.

[@lkntgkltrndfl]

Also, for some reason, i feel really anxious and uneasy when i look at it.

[@KaiKrimson56]

What's funny is the cover is literally the entire first chapter when she gets kidnapped.

[@EmiliFaust]

1:21:57 "But I didn't cry. I wasn't a phony movie actress using hysterics to milk all the drama she could out of every moment. I was a real person and I didn't give a damn what these kidnappers thought." Is the guy that wrote this a sociopath? Doesn't he understand that crying can sometimes be involuntary? Are there people out there that truly don't understand that most people cry without necessarily wanting or meaning to? I am really confused by this quote, though I think I am beginning to understand why some people get frustrated with 'hysterics' (crying) a little more now. They can't relate.

[@eldritchabomination9726]

Yea that always came off weird to me. If he still didn't want her to cry, couldn't* she just go numb and dissociate?

[@Mathee]

@@eldritchabomination9726 Oh, but if Theresa reacts with anything other than stoicism, that would imply that she's weak, and Theresa's not weak. At least, I'm sure that's how Norm sees it🙄

[@BR-ec2ph]

When I was a little kid, I wrote a story about a King of Earth who lived in a diamond palace and was beautiful and smart and had a bunch of haters. I was 8. Why do I mention that? Oh, no reason.

[@madisonb5395]

And it was still better than this trash!

[@salmonmankingoftheocean7624]

When I was 8, I wrote stories about two races, one made of Crystals and one made of Rocks that just kinda fought each other for no reason. They were very imaginatively called Crystals and Rocks(except I spelt Crystal wrong without fail). They fought not with weapons, but by spitting Crystals/Rocks out of their mouths(well, I always wrote ‘shot’, but when I drew pictures it was always coming out of their mouths). I got the idea that in later books, there would be two new races. I think one was Glass, and the other was Dynamite. Dynamite. It was going to be a race literally made out of sticks of Dynamite. What the hell was I thinking? Why do I mention it? Cause I think it’s funny how dumb kids are, even when I was that kid.

[@creacherfeacher8232]

@@salmonmankingoftheocean7624 When I was 8-ish I had an idea for a story where a little girl figured out she could walk through her grandmother's mirror and was some sort of princess or some shit in the mirror world. But only this one special little girl could walk through this mirror 🤦‍♀️

[@imadi9855]

Creacher Feacher When I was 7 I wrote a story about 2 siblings who discovered they had inherited abilities from their missing father at the age of 14. The older brother could control fire and the younger sister could control mist/ turn into mist. The corporation that killed their father starts chasing the kids as well and they’re forced to run away from home one day when a bunch of bad guys arrive. Their mom helps them escape and then they come across a group of people who were apparently the father’s old friends and they teach the siblings how to control their abilities. Afterwards the older brother starts becoming an asshole and evil and his power is slowly corrupting him while the sister is just trying to find what strengths she is capable of mustering since everyone considered mist the weakest ability ever. And at some point there were some siren ladies who look beautiful to guys but not to women and they were trying to eat the brother and his friend while his sister was trying to save him but he kept pushing her away and being an asshole. This summary itself has more depth and character than this book could ever hope for

[@creacherfeacher8232]

@@imadi9855 you came up with all that at 7?! Damn

[@vsGoliath96]

With all the horrible, awkward descriptions of Theresa's teenage body, I can't help but feel that Norman has mastered the art of typing with one hand...

[@geministrial950]

BAHAHAHAH

[@segenshin1894]

What's wrong with typing with one- oh...

[@left-2-write28]

Right? Like for a book that he goes out of his way to say has nothing that isnt family friendly, he focuses a suspicious amount of time describing her body. Gross, Norman.

[@Dave-te5bs]

I think he did

[@dinosaurthing7246]

The funniest thing is this is probably true.

[@RuinedSilver]

The more I think about the "Kidnapping" moment the more I laugh. She already has enhanced strength and unerring accuracy from hal, and hal has PROVEN that if he thinks she needs some form of enhancement he'll provide it. Not only should she be freaking out, not snarking, Hal should be freaking out as well and giving her death lasers and toxic pheromones and titanium skin and shit. There should be no "Kidnapping", there should be an incident in the morning news about a crater in the street.

[@credencenoel4845]

This actually sounds amazing Just the concept of someone getting the ability to "evolve" any superpower based on situation, and this ability permanently screwing them over hard, it would be so cool

[@emeraldhummingbird7547]

@@credencenoel4845 kind of sounds a little bit like SCP-682

[@xenon8927]

There’s a spider-man villain called The Answer whose power works like that. Basically he has whatever powers are useful for the current situation, but they only last until the situation that prompted them is over

[@KM-hv1jg]

I’m listening to a book series with this same problem. The main character, a fourteen year old girl, can fend off full grown, trained warriors. However, when the plot requires her to get kidnapped, she suddenly forgets how to fight.

[@deen7530]

@@emeraldhummingbird7547 No, 682's power has no drawbacks. A better example is SCP 1440.

[@mauricepeploski6617]

This man has essentially gone through this trainwreck of a book 4 times... Once to read it, once to film it, once to edit it, and at least once to explain to his therapist

[@blueshell292]

I really thought up until the 3rd point that you meant the author, and my asscheeks clenched HARD at the thought of this becoming a movie. Jesus Christmas

[@vadifadoms]

@@blueshell292 I'd watch the hell out of the movie if it existed.

[@imperielgenecist1317]

@@vadifadoms Just for the trainwreck it would be.

[@MissBaphomet]

“Who is selling dog doors for miniature horses?” Is a far more thought provoking and interesting topic than the entirety of this book

[@pokekitty1]

the advert in question was an amazon one the whole point was that the door was ordered on their website.

[@t.thomas8919]

What's the pricing? I must know.

[@frozensoul3734]

@@pokekitty1 I loved that advert, the music and everything was so good but it was so surreal at the same time. His reaction to thinking this wasn't an actual advert is priceless

[@StarlightStephanie]

Here's the commercial if you haven't seen it. kzbin.info/www/bejne/Z6qVlIyajsmGrpo

[@MissBaphomet]

pokekitty1 I’m aware, I remember seeing it several times during it’s run. I was quoting Krim

[@pattyisfine7198]

“God doesn’t even show up” *Reapers* *Creek* *flashback* *intensifies*

[@EspiritoDeDafne]

Sometimes it's for the better

[@sanfransiscon]

Greg vs Theresa, battle to the cease of existence

[@haggisa]

SOMaela 3st: Sempaiternal Noice.

[@EspiritoDeDafne]

@@sanfransiscon But it is really worthy existing in a world where Daniel is God and Theresa is the Empress?

[@dee_is_tired]

SOMaela 3st: Sempaiternal I ship it

[@dowitcher]

1:19:57 as someone who recently got married, I cannot imagine a single woman out there who would describe what was supposedly the most exciting moment of her life this way. No woman who is marrying the love of her life who she is genuinely happy with would barely touch on what actually happened and only bother to describe the dress, much less care about “charming the crowd” with her cleavage. I barely remember what my own dress looked like because I was so excited to be marrying someone I had been head-over-heels in love with for the past five years. The only reason I can think of why she would be more focused on her dress and the crowd’s reaction to it than she would be on her husband is if she’s not marrying for love, but is actually getting married because she wants to draw more attention to herself. She isn’t getting married because she loves Steve, she’s getting married because it’s a chance for her to show off. Instead of “Love and marriage is a very serious commitment, which has its ups and downs and can sometimes be difficult” which would be a very good message for young women, we get “Look everyone! I got married as soon as I turned 18 and never had any problems in my relationship! I’m just so much better than you guys because I found my true love right away with zero effort on my part!” Which is not how relationships are supposed to work, especially not a healthy one.

[@rnbrineg]

Every thought that Theresa has echoes the author's narcissism. Like, every line. Every action. Every damned thing she does. The entire book is just Norman convincing himself he is perfect through a proxy. I'm pretty sure that's the entire reason this book exists. Edit: to add to this, there are some authors who do this, but at least they can somewhat disguise thier narcissism with an interesting plot, or amazing dialogue, or beautiful prose. Norman cannot do that. He's just telling you who he is through Theresa, with just enough imagination to make some kind of plot.

[@Zelda00Gamer]

Honestly I wonder if it’s because Norman is in love with his own OC. He married her off so she can be a good little trad wife, but honestly he wants to marry this fictional girl (she’s not a woman remember. She’s a “good girl” bleh). So in order to disassociate from the fact that she’s married to another (albeit fictional) man he describes how hot she is instead of their romance AT ALL

[@AaronRotenberg]

The Amazon review calling this a first draft that got published is insulting to an awful lot of first drafts.

[@ottercos]

yeah i've read better first drafts from 7th graders

[@NapaCat]

@@ottercos I've read a better first draft from a 3rd grader than Empress Theresa.

[@elizakarnopp8921]

Its like the first draft of a short story I wrote in eighth grade while high on sugar at 2 am

[@leannewho664]

my highschool overwatch fics were better than this and I wrote *terrible* overwatch fics

[@L_mattox]

Fun fact: This set of video reviews is 7 and-a-half hours long.

[@dbergerac9632]

I can't wait for the animated film of the review. I'll pass on the book.

[@raa98raa]

Worth it

[@Emma-Queenofhell]

No it's 7 hours 16 minutes and 35 seconds so there for it's just over 7 hours I don't have any better to do

[@viracocha6093]

Mauler: that’s cute

[@zeroducks1037]

This. is the real info I needed. Bless you my friend

[@growingperspective9484]

Onision - writes a few of the most insane poorly written, egotistical books, Norman Boutin "hold my eleven bottles of coke"

[@davidmauriciogutierrezespi5244]

Krim: I'm not going to go in to too much detail Also Krim: *Makes FIVE videos about this book*

[@undeadladybug7723]

He could probably make ten videos about it and still barely cover everything.

[@lalaliet]

This is what I listen to when I knit by the fire. The calmness, the warmth, the unbridled rage mixed with the sorrow of a man long broken, and the floofy yarn.

[@sarahtimberlake78]

poppy sundquist I do the same thing!!! Angry book reviews are the best thing to listen to while I knit!!

[@localforestwitch7215]

same, but it's with drawing/making plot/and gaming

[@sunburn7533]

@@localforestwitch7215 same!

[@FragilxMind]

Was just crocheting to this.

[@thecatapultdio4717]

It works as background noise or just as something to watch and it’s great while trying to write stories.

[@serpicopiu3591]

First line of novel: *exists* Chris Hansen: Hi, Norman. Take a seat

[@MagpieDynamics]

Oh, I fucking wish he would

[@nootnewt3]

The whole book reads like a 60 year old man writing a voice, not really (what should be) a “new adult” contemporary science fiction novel. I think in competent hands this book could have been a decent YA novel but Norman wanted to make sure Theresa was old enough to get married and have sex 😒

[@sidgar1]

Chris is too busy exposing Onision to worry about Norman right now :)

[@Silphanis]

>Krim uploads >almost 2 hours >approvingnod.jpg >"part 1" >tfw

[@Kub1na32]

>"part 1" >VERYAPPROVINGNOD.jpg ftfy

[@Silphanis]

@@Kub1na32 Oh, that was the implication. So hype for this

[@sugarm1860]

And the description reads “this covers chapters 1-4”. The book has 28 chapters Edit: there’s 28 chapters, not 26

[@Kub1na32]

@@Silphanis Ah, I keep forgetting what tfw means.

[@skyblade7438]

23 minutes in and only 2 pages.

[@sierrasanders675]

i love that the rock throwing is presented as a superpower. If you go to any village in India you will find multiple children who can do this. They can hit a rabid dog in the eye at 50 yards. This is a normal thing

[@marynoble9464]

white people powers just being average minority practices will always be my favorite ignorant author red flag

[@yossarian00]

Theyre built different

[@Wired_User]

Someone should give them all slings. They’ll be out here braining man and dog alike.

[@unimpartialobserver]

You can tell when someone doesn't have kids; he doesn't understand how much kids can learn to do with just a little practice, and how shockingly well they can do it.

[@justin2308]

The worst part about it is, I just now realized, Norman actually might’ve been trying to draw a parallel between Theresa and King David. Correction: He was trying to make Theresa one-up King David.

[@RoninCatholic]

"I hire artists because they do it better. I don't pay them in exposure, I pay them in money." Best practices. :3

[@vapid6311]

Nah, pay people in exposure, they can buy food with that after all

[@Mamorufumio]

​@@vapid6311 well to be fair that works in southern asia countrys

[@generalgrievous2202]

@@Mamorufumio wait what? It does?

[@thequeenofcringe1585]

The only valid practice when working with artists.

[@thepigeonmanlyon7155]

More like standard practice if you're a rational human being

[@mantassalavejus7625]

When an author refers to his critics as "trolls" you know you're in for a ride.

[@angelinageorge9526]

Mantas Salavejus it’s like Amy’s baking company. Everyone is out to get them.

[@shosty575]

@@angelinageorge9526 Another Gordon Ramsay fan. Yay!

[@Sancyria]

@@angelinageorge9526 "we were hacked!"

[@luxnoctis4730]

**Chris Chan has entered the chat**

[@The_child-catcher]

He would fit right in at marvel comics.

[@Bryan-gy2zu]

*Biggest* plot hole in this section of this book is: Why would Theresa need thermal underwear if she *GENERATES HEAT* ?

[@CT-se8vn]

The answer is yes

[@nobody2021]

Maybe she's a cold blooded lizard person and her heart is in her ass, so it's like a heat lamp

[@ergogrrl]

WHY DID I NOT CATCH THIS BEFORE I AM SO ANGRY (Not really. Good catch, though.)

[@Paranuui]

@@nobody2021 Hey, dont go trying to add an interesting twist to the book

[@sugars2070]

I'm not even halfway through and this is confusing

[@luheartswarm4573]

norman describing theresa's wedding clothing it's dangerously similar to "my immortal", that infamous beyond stupid fanfic

[@rallandtariv2139]

Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Ravenway definitely would’ve rocked a much better dress tho

[@thequeenofcringe1585]

@@rallandtariv2139 we all know that Ebony’s wedding dress would have STYLE.

[@theunderstatement6842]

wdym enoby is wae morr stailishh dan dat prep treesa!!!

[@moon1749]

@@theunderstatement6842 omg, the translate button fixes your comment because it thinks it's broken🤣😅 What sense does that make, it was already great.

[@theunderstatement6842]

@@moon1749 does it actually do any translating? or is the button just there

[@mistahspoke9281]

"This review won't be that long." -Part 1 out of 5, each part over an hour long,

[@KrimsonRogue]

Oops. XD

[@slevinchannel7589]

@@KrimsonRogue Embarassingly, the Author thinks all Critics are Trolls... what a delusion...

[@slevinchannel7589]

@@KrimsonRogue Embarassingly, the Author thinks all Critics are Trolls... what a delusion...

[@loturzelrestaurant]

@@KrimsonRogue I cant read your T-Shirt!!! HELP! HELP, KRIMSON! Come ot my Aid! I summon You!

[@W0terB0tle]

@@KrimsonRogue I am surprised that you got a book that took you over 2 months to finish you reviewed it in just a couple of hours.

[@thevoidlookspretty7079]

The most telling sentence I’ve ever heard in my life: “This is the first fifty pages.”

[@gretelschroeder3027]

Very true!!!!! He has helped me with my own writing just by making these videos!!

[@JGVIllustrations]

He sounded SO EXHAUSTED when he said and I felt immediately tired lmaoo

[@MegaNightcore101]

Krim: WHO THE HELL IS SELLING DOG DOORS FOR MINIATURE HORSES? Amazon: *NERVOUS LAUGHTER*

[@thimowellner7686]

I KNEW it was an amazon advertisement even though I've never seen it. It's just so similar to the other ones.

[@laurennicole8987]

I remember this commercial lmao

[@RebeccaKatsuya]

@@thimowellner7686 kzbin.info/www/bejne/Z6qVlIyajsmGrpo yupp

[@jenniferking6912]

I have a Saint Bernard so kinda glad they do lol

[@KeeperoftheNight]

When you said that there's a term many people would use to describe Theresa but you'd try your best not to say it during this review, it took me embarrassingly long to realise you did not mean c*nt, and in fact we were supposed to think of the term Mary Sue XD

[@shrillbert]

Mary Sue? I though the term was Shit myself.

[@Wote89]

I... um... may have watched this review a dozen or more times and until your comment it never clicked that he wasn't implying the first one.

[@thequeenofcringe1585]

Both are applicable

[@crestothegecko6279]

i've always thought the word was cringe tbh

[@kakashi0909]

I was expecting invalid or retarded or down syndromes

[@flowersky31__49]

14:13 one page in and we're already getting the word "Mary Sue " tattooed into our brains

[@tristanhartup4936]

I'd say "scorched" rather than "tattooed".

[@flowersky31__49]

@@tristanhartup4936 perhaps burned into our flesh?

[@tristanhartup4936]

@@flowersky31__49 Pretty much

[@haggisa]

Embroidered with a lobotomy needle.

[@whiskeyhound]

I'm glad the author made sure to state this book wasn't for young adults, I'm only to the first page and I can't remember reading a single book that talked down to it's audience that much.

[@DrMoonAtNight]

Wait, so let me get this straight. A fox shoots white stuff at a 10 year old girl’s stomach, then something starts to live inside her? Uhm, that’s definitely not creepy.

[@jbones6930]

😳

[@Isaac-gh5ku]

😱

[@KougajiCalling]

😰

[@an0nym0us_slash35]

*insert Tanjiro looking at the phone disgusted*

[@moa4348]

😟

[@sjfih2]

Theresa: "My body made a hard belly flop. I was knocked out." Me: "That's an interesting way to spell dead"

[@nocount7517]

Ocean used *[Surface Tension]*! It's super effective!

[@caveman5128]

Chris Yoder Yeah Ha Ha Ha how did she die? *hides knife behind back*

[@Oinkoinkmurderorsmth]

No, but Onisions terms she 'rapidly ceased to exist." Or you know, dead with extra steps.

[@cornerficus4513]

I’ve finally got around to watching this and I need to say this for those of you going through the comments; the section at 56:44 is actually 100% a real commercial, because I’ve seen it before. This man just play-by-play described a real Amazon commercial in his book and called it “writing”.

[@TheSteve285]

For those who don't believe: kzbin.info/www/bejne/Z6qVlIyajsmGrpo

[@sillyd0g]

i love that he never mentions in the text what its a commercial for because while i could very easily glean that it was an amazon commercial it does kind of make it sound like its literally just a commercial for dog doors

[@colorstrike6242]

I was wondering why that section sounded so familiar! I just couldn’t remember what it was a commercial for.

[@Tbm998]

“Prime Minister Blair is not prone to exaggeration”... what, Tony Blair? Tony “Lied about Iraq having weapons of mass destruction” Blair? Not prone to Exaggeration?

[@jonathancampbell5231]

That line aged super well.

[@kevincass9917]

Its not actually Tony Blair, its another character that has the same last name, but its not him. Its like Richard Blair or something.

[@petehill7280]

@@kevincass9917 The character's name was 'Peter Blair', if I remember correctly.

[@hkazu63]

Strong evidence that its not Tony Blair, the man who exaggerated the threat of Iraq over countries like Iran, Saudi Arabia and North Korea, if he’s not prone to exaggeration.

[@evies.1018]

I love how the character who is the Prime Minister is the one who tells Theresa she’ll be more remembered than Churchill 😂

[@Shadowstar128]

I was rewatching this video and I just had an epiphany. Empress Theresa and Reapers Creek are essentially the same book. The stories are about unlikeable idiots gaining god like powers from aliens and use those powers to essentially ruin the world trying to fix it, they never get criticized for their fuck ups, both stories have endings with horrific implications that the authors don't seem to realize are nightmarish, and they're both written by wackjobs who can't take criticism to save their lives.

[@Ramsey276one]

Read a comment like that in Down the Rabbit Hole on this THING (doesn’t deserve to be called a book/novel) and I cannot disagree XD

[@jbones6930]

I think you’re onto something

[@justsomerandomguynoonecare8923]

What is an ephiphany? I'm not a native english speaker

[@Shadowstar128]

@@justsomerandomguynoonecare8923 an epiphany is a sudden or striking realization

[@sabribeser2268]

@@Shadowstar128 Theressa makes me want to start a Ressitance force againts her Empire

[@fourgoatdowery5339]

Empress Theresa inspires me to try writing stories, because even if it’s bad it couldn’t be THAT bad.

[@noahlillis6602]

Watching his reviews got me into writing again because i noticed i dont make these kinds of mistakes 🤣

[@SenorMeinKrafter]

It takes skill to write so poorly

[@professionalpainthuffer]

Nothing will ever be as bad as this. When you feel sad about writing, pull up The Eye Of Argon, by Jim Thies, and read it. Or try to, anyway. You will feel like a god.p

[@rosaceae5795]

@@professionalpainthuffer the eye of argon isn’t that bad, considering it was written by a 16 year old who admitted he didn’t know much about writing instead of a sixty year old man who proclaimed to have written the best novel.

[@lynziewithaz5491]

Your effort to NOT say Mary Sue is admirable

[@henryisthere]

I was gonna go with narcissist. Mary Sue works too.

[@malikapollard3618]

True. I don't like when characters have thoughts that are self agrandizing. Such a red flag. I found her self-absorbed, does mental gymnastics and I don't understand why her uniform pockets bend with her boobs. 😅😂

[@emberproductions8841]

To be fair I was gonna go with Bitch, but I think all names apply

[@moycorbin4750]

Professionals have standards

[@bellaspopart]

“i’ve seen better foreshadowing on the expiration date on my MILK” oof, book gordon ramsey’s getting real heated

[@tristanjohnson5992]

He’s crossing over to regular Gordon

[@slevinchannel7589]

Embarassingly, the Author thinks all Critics are Trolls... what a delusion...

[@jbones6930]

M I L K

[@loturzelrestaurant]

@@jbones6930 Imagine this was the Start: "Metal Rakets are weird weapons against Foxes. But my Mother used it as One anway. But the Enemy, the Fox, just walked away. That was one odd event... Well, whatever! Lets just begin this Story!" Would be better... much?

[@user-ec4ej1ir3m]

22:04

[@caitlinmace]

"She's just going along hoping she doesn't die." I've never felt so represented in literature before.

[@DrMoonAtNight]

Caitlin MacEachern same with me. Except I hope I die. But hey, tomato tomato am I right? Right?

[@BigPuddin]

@@DrMoonAtNight The entire strength of the whole "toh-may-toh, toh-mah-toh" expression is that it's phonetic and not typed. It's just really weird to read it as opposed to hearing it. Looks more like a person had a stroke or made a typo than is just using an expression. That or you're really stoked about tomatoes and are trying to reinforce that.

[@DrMoonAtNight]

The Raddest Chad I know, but there’s not really any alternative. (that I know of.)

[@BigPuddin]

@@DrMoonAtNight I don't really know of one either.

[@DrMoonAtNight]

The Raddest Chad which is why I’m using toh-may-toh, toh-mah-toh. Because there’s no better alternative. Or any alternative at all.

[@fake-copystories5849]

'This isn't a young adult book.' Darling, this isn't even a children's book.

[@annabanana7659]

Dr Seuss and Roald Dahl would never!

[@dat_nerd_boi8057]

this is barely even a book... a **dictionary** has a more interesting plot and story...

[@demonofsadism7915]

Dat_Nerd_Boi Empress Theresa has a more interesting plot than a dictionary. Not at all for the reasons the author or want, and DEFINITELY not because the book is... “good” (yes that hurt to write) It’s only interesting because your just wondering “What is this dumb child gonna do next, and how is it gonna blow up and would definitely destroy the earth?” But the dictionary does have a better plot for sure.

[@annakozuki8950]

It's a zygote's book

[@annakozuki8950]

@Fen Vulpeus it's a sperm cell's book

[@vampiricn1ght]

This is kinda minor... yet also important sorta. Theresa is from Massachusetts, and based on his mannerisms with this book near where Norman lives. If she's from any part of Massachusetts, she's not "a good girl" like she claims. As someone from Massachusetts, we're all awful people. We're all assholes of the highest caliber, and people who say they aren't are liars

[@The_AGL_Group]

The term “Masshole” doesn’t exist without a reason-

[@bertross366]

Everyone’s a prick here, especially myself!

[@skeletonking2501]

How the fuck haven’t you guys gone into anarchy yet?

[@vampiricn1ght]

@@skeletonking2501 Because they all need to stick together against the rest of the world judging them for being assholes

[@zacksefchick9535]

@@skeletonking2501 we won't collapse until we take Maine back

[@reddevil9312]

"Bitch, I am sitting on a throne made of books!" needs to be a GIF

[@WolfBitesAndSleepyGraves]

Hail to the book king

[@songweretson]

It's still not a gif, and I am very disappointed

[@thequeenofcringe1585]

@@WolfBitesAndSleepyGraves BOOKS FOR THE BOOK KING

[@WolfBitesAndSleepyGraves]

@@thequeenofcringe1585 BOOKS FOR THE BOOK THRONE

[@yourlocaltheatrekid900]

one year later, I have made the GIF

[@princesskib]

"Who would sell a little door for little horses?!" Amazon. Because it was an Amazon commercial. From around 3 years ago. Don't make a philosophical point off of a commercial for Amazon Prime, Norman.

[@NavigatorBR]

I'm still in shock that this was a real commercial....

[@t.thomas8919]

Hmm. Search time for sale prices. I just get the feeling that will be more fun than this trashy book. Call it a gut feeling.

[@sabr4174]

Kelsey Bishop What’s worse than thinking Norman made that up on his own is knowing that he didn’t and that he literally described an actual Amazon commercial in his book... 🤦‍♀️

[@OriginalBear]

Do think Norman added the commercial when he re-released Empress Theresa like he did with the cover art?

[@-yeme-]

can I just say that having a dogflap in your front door big enough for a horse to get through, even a miniature one, is just asking to be burgled the second you leave the house

[@ruyekahatori3073]

Norman: this is not a young adult novel Also Norman: Show this book to your grandmother, show it to a 7 year old girl, they will both love Theresa! _So who is it for, Norman?_

[@SorowFame]

It's one of those rare books directed at absolutely no one, a bold marketing decision.

[@123phi123]

It's for everyone who isn't a young adult

[@an8strengthkobold360]

Everyone and no one.

[@ruyekahatori3073]

his Amazon listing has the grade level as 5th-12th and i think the age is like, 8+???

[@lilaniloxi]

the aliens from reaper's creek.

[@ShatteredGlass916]

A 10 yo hallucinates that an Alien giving her a "white ball" and then create mass histeria by spreading it to everyone would be one hell of work of art lmao

[@richardball5843]

I’m pretty sure this is what “The Monsters are due on Maple Street” was about.

[@neadedios3106]

@@richardball5843you just unlocked a childhood memory

[@aname848]

The one assassin's full name is actually "A Thousand Assassins"

[@StoicVeR]

A better book than Empress Theresa ?

[@Lunictd]

So, Hassan of the Hundred Faces?

[@skeletonwar4445]

@@Lunictd Thanks Asako. Now go back to reducing Arts resist.

[@caveman5128]

A Name now I’m imagining when he gets punched he just bursts into a thousand tiny assassins and they all run around and reform

[@rg-ed5fr]

General Wellio ahaha that reminds me of the gnomes from Gravity Falls

[@Bismuth83X]

The "jumping out of a plane with a nuclear bomb in it and surviving because I brought a bag of Coke bottles with me" thing sounds more like the backstory for a Metal Gear boss, to be honest...

[@SorowFame]

Even Metal Gear wouldn't do that The bottles would probably be full of nanomachines.

[@kabutoyakushi9739]

Nanomachines, son

[@huhthatsinteresting1644]

69th like

[@beavatatlan]

@@huhthatsinteresting1644 Username checks out.

[@vapid6311]

yeah, but metal gear would make the character likable and have a massive amount of self awareness at how stupid it was

[@BirchMonkey857]

Everyone: "Okay, so... I have a bit of criticism regarding your book." Norman: *"You question the words of the mighty Theresa?!"*

[@OnMePro2000]

I AM SORRY MY EMPRESS

[@k.morningstar7983]

step on me catholic god mommy

[@MinatheRaichu]

That says the bibble

[@MagisterialVoyager]

@@k.morningstar7983 Bruh. 💀

[@ashleysmith9494]

@@k.morningstar7983 Best. Comment. Ever. *Gives giant cookie*

[@Anna-tk7ui]

Better opening lines because I have no life: My name's Theresa Sullivan. I'm seventeen years old, and I guess I'm pretty average aside from the primordial alien merged with me on the cellular level. Aside from holding the world together with my blood, sweat, and tears, I like knitting, studying, and hanging out with my boyfriend. I love you Steve, best part of my hellish existence on this planet!

[@sunn7615]

See when I read this I get a creepy vibe, like I'm about to read a book from the perspective of the villain who succeeds at destroying the world despite the best efforts of the heroes to stop them

[@agquad]

​@sunn7615 I literally don't believe you could ever portray Theresa in a benevolent light, as Norman failed to do. She is fundamentally an evil and corrupt concept.

[@wolfbyte2468]

@@sunn7615 To be fair, that's what the book is about!

[@marynoble9464]

This sounds like the start of a spunky, end of world, completely over it, chosen one who would *really* rather be fucking off feeding chickens and being bad at baking but she was unfortunately chosen by an alien that she's constantly passive aggressive towards in retaliation and I love it

[@TheSaberWolfDuchess]

Y'know what's funny? When I used to see Empress Theresa, just the cover art, without any context? I actually thought it was a decent, unique style. It felt like something a grade-schooler would draw, like if it was a YA novel of some kind about a kid growing up in Soviet Russia or something. Knowing what it's about now and how the cover is unintentionally terrible has since soured that opinion.

[@blueshell292]

Hm I see your point. Depressing, really.

[@schufck5272]

I thought for the longest time it was a historical book.

[@FMeister94]

I mean he drew it and people draw worse so I think it’s unfair that it draws the same level of criticism as his writing

[@gregorythehuman]

@@FMeister94 yeah, but those people don’t claim their drawings are masterpieces for the ages

[@markquigley1614]

At least we got a far better set-up for a story out your first initial thoughts than this’ll ever be...!