Let’s Talk About My 0rth0rexia Past (Details I've NEVER Shared)

[@AbbeysKitchen]

Thanks again to Eight Sleep for sponsoring today's video. Head to www.eightsleep.com/ca/abbey/ and use code ABBEY to get $350 off Pod 4 Ultra.

[@rhi963]

Hi Abbey, I hope you get to see this comment in some capacity, youve helped me so much with my ED in the past. I am struggling now with ADHD, ARFID and multiple undiagnosed chronic illnesses and I am finding it hard to access resources online with good actionable advice on how to eat for a specific diet like low fodmap or gluten free or how to eat while working with a doctor/RD. I struggle with fatigue and I can hardly prepare food at all which makes me lean on convenience options that ultimately make me feel worse. I need to prepare food from scratch to treat my illnesses but my illnesses limit my energy and the amount of time/spoons I have to meal prep. I know you have resources about similar things related to this topic but from what I can remember none with a focus on chronic illnesses like the ones I outlined, although those videos have helped me tremendously. Thank you for reading this 💜

[@JoCeLyNpeaceful]

"Under-fueling your body literally hijacks a healthy brain" COMPLETELY sums up my ED experience. Your mind, experience, and judgment is so compromised. Recovery is wonderful and so worth it!

[@arica1798]

I've done the same of cutting carbs. and fats

[@Jelly_Jay_15]

Yes like literally I was so sick plus undiagnosed celiac disease so I legit was rarely hungry bcuz I couldn't disgest food

[@sue9037]

honestly has a hint of bipolar since you think everyone else is wrong and you are right

[@kimberlyoliveri7915]

Thank you. As I was a baby ballerina at 4 and danced until my mid 20s, I've struggled with EDs all my life. Now at 63, I eat the same things everyday and exercise constantly to validate what I eat. I get that dopamine rush when people say how thin and disciplined I am. If only they knew how all consuming it is. Again, thank you for sharing. I have to make a change ❤

[@elisabethrodriguez5916]

Good luck on your journey to recovery 💕

[@justbe7791]

You have worth unrelated to what you weigh and how much exercise you do. Shine your inner light, and people will respond positively to the real you. You are special because you are you!

[@kfkkfk7995]

Honey how are you doing? Are you doing better? Don't be too harsh on yourself if you aren't, just keep trying to get better

[@mandymk6862]

Your pup wanting to hold your hand is so sweet! 🥰 Also, anxiety and IBS-D here. It suuuuuucks. Therapy helps!

[@AbbeysKitchen]

Huge fan of therapy (and dogs too obvi)

[@onewisteria]

I too have anxiety Induced ibs- d exam season is a nightmare for me

[@elled9478]

Best advice I ever got: if you’re looking for a sign to recover, just having that thought is your sign. Do it.

[@zigzaglychee7324]

It's always anti sugar stuff that kicks it off, isn't it. It was for me too. I was a biochemistry undergraduate and I had to take modules on metabolism. I remember sitting in a middle of a lecture about diabetes. I was struggling with binge eating at the time, so my diet was pretty terrible (and I spent a large amount of time constipated, with horrible stomach pains). And my head started reeling when the lecturer was talking about prediabetes. I was convinced that I must be prediabetic. If I didn't change my diet quickly I was definitely going to get diabetes! And from there it was downhill. I began cutting out sugary foods. It became even worse a few months later when I also became convinced that my teeth were going to rot, and I began cutting out even more carbohydrates. Lockdown helped me recover because I moved back home to my family, though I did lose a lot of weight during this time. And this is why the MASSIVE anti sugar push online screams danger to me. Yes, too much added sugar isn't good. But you also NEED sugar to live. Your cells function on glucose! You should NOT be cutting out fruits, bread, rice, etc (unless you have worked with an ACTUAL doctor to help with a DIAGNOSED medical condition).

[@EtherBunny-z7k]

As a “husky” child of the 80s, I feel like you’re describing the rollercoaster I had been on since being put on my first diet at age 12. I’m almost 40 at this point and feel like I’m finally learning to break the cycle. ❤

[@JoanaTrincaoAaltonen]

Aww... Giving the paw all the time! What a cutie! 🥰

[@AbbeysKitchen]

She's glued to my side

[@alexb2563]

Thank you for sharing! I just took the first step today in scheduling an initial appointment with an ED recovery program and I'm feeling so nervous, but your content has been so inspirational and helpful to me. I truly don't know if I would have taken this step had it not been for finding your videos. Thank you for everything you do 🩷

[@michaelaturkova1978]

Abbey, I adore you! This is your most open personal confession I have seen on your channel over several years. I wished so much to give you a hug while listening you. I have been struggling with anxiety, OCD, OCPD and orthorexia for more than 30 years. I am almost 46 now. I have made peace with myself and accepted my weaknesses, trying to live as well as possible, because I know that I will never get rid of them.

[@AbbeysKitchen]

Sending a virtual hug to you too. It's tough and I'm there right with you

[@laurenkochan960]

@@AbbeysKitchenI’m with you both, too! We must keep fighting the good fight! May Lord Jesus shine upon us all His strength and wisdom with each new day! Abby, thank you SO much for this video! I felt every word you spoke since my storyline is VERY similar! I LOVE y’all! Praying for us all tonight and always! 🫂🙏❤️

[@Kleigh8484]

Your pup being a main character and making sure you are ok ❤❤ much love to you Abby and thank you for shining some light on mental health x

[@buddyzpal]

Your dog putting their paws on you is so sweet. 💞

[@yvonnewalker8322]

Got put on a 1,000 calorie diet when I was 10 or 11 right before hitting a growth spurt because I was “husky” . I’m 59. It’s always int the background, but mostly inactive. Anyway I know they meant well but when I hit the teen years, I dieted down from 135 to 99. I’m 5’8. That need for affirmation came from having a mentally ill mom who was mostly hospitalized and a dad who used alcohol to cope with raising me and a sister with a borderline intellectual disability. I could go into a long discussion of how that affected me in other ways, but healing is possible! Love the non restrictive approach and try to incorporate at least one fear food daily!

[@shannonsuggs1152]

I’ve been watching your channel for years and never clicked so fast on one of your videos before. You’ve helped me to understand one of my loved ones who has had an ED, so much better! Thank you for all of your content! Love you and your videos!

[@8ubrina]

Hi Abbey, thanks for sharing your story! I’m an RD myself and I eat intuitively until I got into a new job where my colleagues LOVE commenting on my eating habits. That’s the time when I consider being more mindful on my choices as I was like ok even dietitians think my diet sucks maybe I should change. So I started cutting down high-fat/sugar choices immediately(no time needed learning basic nutrition as I’m an RD!) and became mildly orthorexic. Didn’t lose much weight but lost my period. I know what the problem was but it was hard to reverse as the toxic mind was rooted(and I’m a perfectionist too!) Ironically enough I got diagnosed with tongue cancer shortly afterwards and couldn’t eat well for a period of time due to all those treatments and surgery. Still recovering from those side effects but now I know life is too vulnerable to limit all my favorite foods❤

[@marinekarmann7006]

I've been binging your content for weeks now as it helps to maintain the mindset of not getting back to "orthorexic way of thinking". The cycle of restriction-binge is so difficult to get out of, especially as I need to lose fat for health reasons. I also suffer from ADHD, anxiety, IBS and Hashimoto. The journey is sooo damn difficult sometimes. But I wanted you to know that your videos makes a difference. I used to listen to fitness influencers and their advice only wortsen my ED. So thanks a lot for your Channel and your honest and relatable vulnerability. Makes me feel less lonely.

[@TwiggyKeely]

Hi! Fellow musical theatre professional here too! ❤ I just subscribed so fast! I just relapsed back into anorexia after 11 years of recovery and I'm really struggling, so your videos have been really helpful to me and have helped me get back on track with my recovery a little bit. It's so important to share your story, thank you for being so vulnerable!❤

[@sarahsaccoach8185]

I still remember an ad on Nickelodeon from when I was a kid telling you to avoid hidden sugar. “Fructose, sucrose, dextrose snd maltose. All words that rhyme with GROSS” and they dressed the sugar up to look evil. Maybe the intention was good but my perfectionist self did NOT take well to that. Appreciate you sharing your story

[@sarahsiave2532]

Thank you for being so vulnerable and open 💖 Your dog constantly trying to hold your hand through this video absolutely killed me .. 😢❤

[@charleys9417]

Thank you for sharing. I've recently been forced to confront the fact that my relationship with food is nowhere near as good as I was pretending it was. The part where you spoke about getting the dopamine hit from other people's validation of your "willpower" really hit home. I've always been slim and feel an intense pressure to stay that way. I've been skipping meals and consciously trying to control what I eat since I was nine years old. As I've got older I've applies the same obsessive tendancies to exercise (must hit a certain number of steps, burn a certain of calories etc). Every positive comment reinforces the idea that I'm "winning" by doing this. I thought I was better but recently have found myself paralysed by thoughts about food - being so unbelievably hungry but unable to eat any of the food in the house because none of it is "good". I finally broke down a few weeks ago and told my partner of 12 years about all of it. He doesn't really understand but he really wants to help, so we're trying to figure out the best way for him to do that.

[@HunterHuntress1]

It’s always hard to be honest with yourself about something as scary as this- let alone someone else. But telling someone you love is always a step in the right direction. While they might not understand why you’re going through this or what exactly they can do to help at first, just having their support can take a tremendous weight off your shoulders. Just a warning- if they ever say something triggering, it’s most likely not on purpose- they just didn’t know. But together you’ll learn to find a way out- I believe in you!!! And so does everyone who cares about you. It won’t be easy but at least now you won’t have to do it alone :)

[@renepainter7166]

Very interesting video, as parts of your story sounded very similar to mine. I was raised by very controlling, paranoid people. In high school I discovered the one thing that was "mine" that they couldn't interfere with because I would keep it from them, was not eating. This was back in the 70s when alot of girls I knew were using jarred baby food for lunch and dinner instead of actual meals and losing weight. The losing weight appealed to me because I had been a chubby kid, that did not go unnoticed and a cause of ridicule. I bypassed the baby food deal; why do that when I could go one better and stop eating breakfast (mom was always asleep), ditched lunch and at dinner when it would look suspicious if I didn't eat, I would take the smallest portions I could without arousing suspicion. I cut out dessert which had been an every night occurrence in our household since I was born. I started going to bed earlier because it was easier to not eat if I was asleep; should I happened to get hungry before bed. As I lost weight I garnered alot of attention from the kids at school in a positive way. That was new and exciting. This system of mine went on for nearly an entire year. No one in my family ever questioned it. But one day at school, I have no idea why, I started getting ferociously hungry and just could not resist purchasing a candy bar at the student store. Well, that led me down a rabbit hole of returning to eating, which probably saved my life. But the after effects for several years came back to haunt me in the form of bingeing. Although I did not force myself to vomit it back up. I just had a tendency when feeling so hungry that I could not stop sometimes. I was very active physically in high school so I only actually gained about 20 pounds and did not continue into obesity with this. I know this is a bit long, but the kicker of all this is that I thought after I was in my 30s, 40s, 50s, and currently 60s, that was all behind me. Well it wasn't and I had a huge revelation of this during a two year period recently where I developed a digestive disorder that the specialists could not figure out. They finally gave me a vague diagnosis of dyspepsia, but did admit that on scope test I showed quite a bit of damage in the duodenum. They just don't know why. During this time it was extremely difficult to eat enough. My upper stomach would only accept tiny amounts of food every couple hours so I probably was living on 600 calories a day, as I also could not digest any fats during this time without significant pain and nausea. I lost nearly 30 lbs during this time and got SO MANY compliments on how great I looked. I was angry to hear people tell me that because they did not realize how sick I was and how hard I was trying to get a diagnosis. BUT their compliments set off an old trigger I didn't know I still had...so after I started healing and able over time to eat more normal amounts, I of course have steadily been gaining weight back. Which now freaks me out. It's a constant battle in my mind daily, but because of being 67-68 when this last diagnosis happened, I also was losing muscle mass and I developed osteoporosis. So now I am fighting to save my bones because I am terrified of the bone drugs that are available. I guess my main point is, these EDs can come back to haunt you no matter how old or how many years in between. It's scary when I know that at my age it's a fast slide to being possibly disabled just from not eating enough or the right foods for what my body needs. If you have read this whole thing, thank you. I realize it's a very long post.

[@suz6529]

I can totally relate! I dealt with orthorexia in my 20’s & now with the Ozempic trend it has been unleashed again in my middle age😢my husband & his family are all on mounjaro & are never hungry which just fuels my anxiety & orthorexia more. I have been trying to focus more on being strong & healthy instead of skinny but it is a constant battle. I hope some of the negative effects of these diet drugs show up soon because they are all over the place & very triggering😢I wish you well with your journey on striving for health & appreciate that I am not alone in my struggles❤

[@chantaldespres2917]

I have so much emotions over this video.. In high school I started to eat less cause I convince myself I was not hungry. When people asked question , I lied . Then a guy I barely knew told me I will disapear if I continued like that. I realised I had a problem, slowly forced myself to eat more. It was pretty good for few years. Then I started to binge and eat my emotions.. Gained lots of weight over the years. Few months ago, at 45, I decided to loose weight. Reduced my portions, stop snacking in the evening. it's working, people are complimenting me, I feel good. But your video made me realised I'm slowly going back to my high school habit... I need to find a balance and it's not easy !

[@lisalopez5078]

I am 59 and when i was 19 my aunt died or Anorexia she was 35 she had ED her whole life my mom said she could rember since she was 2 years old throwing her food out the window ! Ultimately she got addicted to Enemas and tore her bowels and died a horibbile death sadly !! My grandparents spent thousand of dollars sending her to rehab and this was in the 1960 and 1970 so sad its a miserable addiction !! So glad to hear your story to give people hope !!

[@lattespice_andcoffee]

Thank you so much for your vulnerability and telling your story. I was diagnosed with body dysmorphia & IBS in 2019 associated with disordered eating. I was a gymnast and dancer growing up and have struggled with food and healthy eating since childhood. Intermittent fasting is something I still do and then binge as you have described. It is a constant battle, your book and channel have helped me so much 💛 my family noticed my restrictive, yo-yo dieting and I felt so much shame! It's something I do not talk about but my therapist is helping me. You're an inspiration Abbey. X

[@martinadelvai4115]

I've dipped my toes into anorexia theritory multiple times. The worst time was 11 years ago. I went through a terrible relationship situation. Along with the ED came some paranoia and panic attacks as well as learnd helplessness and medium level depression (yes I have been to a psychologist, not self diagnosed). I would eat as little as I could, often feeling dizzy. I started to love the hunger pains, they made me feel strong and in control of at least one aspect of my life. Also during that time I started running regularly. I was avoiding social situations that involved food. When I was out with friends and there was food, like at a market I would say "oh I love these, too bad I just had dinner, next time I need to get one" just to distract them. In reality that food I used to love disgusted me. For me it was never fear of food, but disgust. It was bad. In a way running saved me. A friend guided me with my training. He told me in order to get better at running I had to eat. I trusted him and started eating a little more. Shortly after I started a new internship where lunch and snacks were provided and eaten with the team. That got me back to eating somewhat normally again while still losing weight. Initially I had to, at that point I allready was at a normal weight but not happy yet. Throughout the winter I had gotten rid of the anorexia and decided to relax a little with the diet, the weather didn't allow for so much running with all the icy roads. By spring I had gained 2-3 kilos from my lowest weight and that included the holidays and I was back out running 3-4 days a week. But then I hurt my knee so badly that when I dropped something I would think twice if I really still needed this because just picking it up was so insanely painfull. Needless to say that from that point on the weight slowly came back as the pain lasted for over a year. I still hate my fomer primary care doctor for this lack of care in those years. I went to him describing depression symptoms right out of a textbook (as I later learned). Not knowing about it I thought it might have been some vitamin deficiency. He said that isn't a thing where we live and to just get off my ass and do things. Over the years I lost 5-10 kilos and slowly gained and gained some more, lost a bit again, gained some of it, lost some, gained some. Last year when my new (and amazing) doctor and I were figuring out the right dose of thyroid medication I gained a bunch. And this year due to a very bad case of gastritis I gained some more. Just this week I weighed in at my highest weight ever. I am now close to a 35 bmi and at this point my blood markers are still ok, but I start to struggle with the weight. Now it is about preventing morbidity. I know exactly what I need to do, but the mental aspect is hard. Sometimes I still think how easy losing weight in that horrible time was and wish I could do this again. I really don't want that anorexia back, it is just a thought that crosses my mind.

[@ninasky8975]

It’s so refreshing to hear you talk about these topics . Dealing with diets and binging since I can remember and listening to you is healing

[@AbbeysKitchen]

you got this! It's worth the fight

[@mrsparadise3]

This hit so many notes in my own story. I had a lot of out of control things happening in my life, my mom died when I was 7, my dad moved us from one state to another new one, he remarried a monster, i was SA by a step brother and a cousin at different times, then kept losing my siblings because my dads wife couldn’t handle teenagers who were clearly desperate for someone to love them unconditionally. When I was in middle school, my dad told me that I was getting heavy looking. So I decided to starve myself. Constantly just saying “oh I’m not hungry “ my dad and his wife became abusive emotionally, mentally and physically, to the point where they fractured my wrist, and but strains in my back. That was the last time I went to youth services and they took me out of their custody and put me in a foster home. My foster mom was allllll about unhealthy skinny tactics. Like living off of Diet Coke and cinnamon bears… so when I finally started eating I of course started gaining weight, and then I had her coming to me and saying “we need to go on a diet!” So the only way I knew how was to stop eating, and work out like crazy! She then told me “you’re losing weight too fast.” I just felt so confused and not good enough no matter what I did. I married an amazing husband, but I gained A LOT of weight because I think it was a security blanket, because if I was skinny I would get unwanted attention from men. And I think I was also just done worrying about every calorie. I’ve been to so many therapists, and still struggle with food! I ended up finding keto 5 years ago. Lost half of my weight and was the healthiest I had ever been. Then Covid hit. I ended up having lots of injuries, and then had a hysterectomy. I’ve gained all of my weight back, and I’ve been trying to figure out what works for me mentally, physically and my body. I also struggle with RA and extreme fatigue! So it’s definitely been hard to figure this weight thing out. I don’t weigh myself because it’s a trigger and also makes me frustrated when I don’t loose as much as I think I should.

[@amandamho16]

This story is truly inspiring and something that I can share some relate to. The binge-starve process, as well as being obsessed with living a "healthy" lifestyle, was (and still is at times) a big factor that played into a decline of my mental health for years. Although I still went out to dinners with family and friends, I was never able to fully enjoy myself. Looking back now, I can say that it saddens me that I had missed out on some amazing foods and cuisine whenever I travelled anywhere that was out of my regular town restaurants. I do still like to lead with a healthy lifestyle, and the fear of certain foods may always stay in the back of my mind while recovering from orthorexia, but I will never say no to taking bites out of delicious plates of food. I can also relate to wanting to pursue nutrition as my career. Safe to say, it was due to my obsession with food/fitness and wanting to know what and how foods were controlling my body. I absolutely love nutrition still, but I recognized that it was not a healthy route for me to go down if I wanted to get better with my disordered eating.

[@MeloniousThunk]

Thank you for getting vulnerable with us, Abbey. I know this wasn’t easy to talk about but your story is important and instructive. I love that you use your talents to help yourself and others. ❤

[@jenmessier2195]

Thanks for sharing Abbey, my anxiety and bulima have def contributed to IBS and vice versa... the struggle.

[@AbbeysKitchen]

Yep they can all get pretty tangled up. Wishing you the best!!❤

[@jenmessier2195]

@@AbbeysKitchen thanks Abbey! 💗

[@christinelamb1167]

All the many years I struggled with my ED I thought I had IBS (I was even "diagnosed" with it by a doctor). But, lo and behold, after over 17 years recovered from my ED and eating normally, I rarely have any intestinal issues.

[@Leo-mr1qz]

I can relate to unhealthy relationships with food. I grew up a chubby kid. My mother was an alcoholic almond mom if they even called women who wouldn't keep sugar in the house almond moms back then. I would use junk food to compensate for the lack of attention and love I was not receiving. Then, I hit high school and realized the seductive beauty of calories in and calories out on a female teenage body. 🤯 The only time I think I have ever felt "safe" to eat what my body is craving is when I was pregnant. I told myself that I had to nourish the growing baby. I gained and dropped 60+ pounds three times in four years for that privilege. Today, I am going through peri-menopause. If I look at anything delicious, I put on 5 pounds, it feels like. It's challenging and frustrating. I appreciate your channel, Abbey, because you come across as realistic and open. You are a professional who has beaten her food challenges and isn't afraid to share them. Thank you for your knowledge and candid approach to well-being. ❤

[@AbbeysKitchen]

here for you❤

[@cassandrajosettehall]

Love this! In case it will help anyone, here's what helped me recover from orthorexia: -realizing that binging isn't failing. It's our bodies way of trying to keep us from killing ourself from a lack of nutrition. Our bodies know best and are self protective -learning that I can eat anything and not gain weight as long as I don't eat a lot of it which is easier to do if I regularly can have delicious things and am not starving -do exercise that I enjoy doing versus what will theoretically make my body look a certain way. It is easier to regularly exercise when it's something you like -understanding that if I want to feel my best, that requires good nutrition/fuel -feminism requires me to nourish myself because we can't be strong/powerful/leaders if we spend all our time trying to be smaller or focusing on every little thing we put in our bodies -I want to live a long, disease free life if possible and that is unlikely to happen if I don't take care of myself

[@meghansullivan6812]

Love these!!!! For me another big thing is adopting body neutrality as much as possible

[@barbettecaravaggio7675]

GO Abbey Go! I admire your candour and strength :) This story totally explains why you got into nutrition and are now still making your living off of it, it is like you wanted to get rid of your own issues, and with that are now trying to help others get help and handle their food issues. I appreciate your work.

[@lenajazuk4231]

I have been anorexic for over 30 years Being more or less sick , still not out of the woods What bothers me A LOT that so many ladies so called beauty bloggers on KZbin exhibit all kings of ED behaviors and thinking patterns and they are glorified in a comment section!!! Giving advices how to loose weight, also keeping kids on low calorie way of eating when they aren’t even overweight and still they are glorified by others

[@beyondthebop]

Dear Abbey, I'm so grateful that you shared this vulnerable story of yours. At the same time I'd like to express how much it hurts me to hear how much you suffered for quite a long time. Sadly, I think that many people can identify with the dark part of your story yet it makes it even more important that you shared how you recovered as well. It makes me really happy to see that you're at a much better place now. Wishing you all the best!

[@avarielavariel1632]

Thanks for sharing your journey. I think as a human being we always have something to work on, as we all are a work in progress, no matter what profession we are in. And being able to admit that is something really liberating. My prayer is that we all have someone to turn to whenever we are struggling with something❤

[@itsmathcart]

Litteraly same. Went to a naturopath to help cure my acnee, went out with an ED. Thank you for sharing and making us feel less alone (the comments section

[@amandajessicacs]

Thank you for just saying it: an eating disorder never truly goes away and you are always vulnerable. After suffering between the ages of 12-15, I also found a good place during high school and my young adult life. But it hit my like a train wreck again when I was 27 and it was only during COVID and hitting my 30´s that I was able to do some self reflection and really face my issues and build up coping strategies to try and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

[@cherylhurst7093]

Poppy is your shadow, support dog, and friend in the kitchen. I was obsessed with my body when I was a teenager. I had ADHD, disordered eating, and I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes at 17. Talk about ratcheting up my obsession with food. I ran the gamut from starving to bingeing. Perfectionism was the bane of my existence. My mom had me on diets from age 6 on. My grandmothers both encouraged lots of eating. Sweets were part of every meal.

[@stephendobson4764]

interesting to know you were (and presumably still are) a singer. Thanks for sharing your journey.

[@AbbeysKitchen]

Mainly to Taylor swift in the car w my kids but yes I’m back to singing

[@Caferramarta]

Thanks for sharing. Being vulnerable on the internet it is not easy for sure 🙏🏻 . So happy you got to recover and find your way of helping yourself and other people.

[@beckiknecht9531]

Thank you for this real, raw, vulnerable account of your journey. Feel better soon! ❤

[@MmeMassacre]

OMG, it feels very similiar to my experience, eventhough I never restricted that much, learned so much about healthy eating during the process and ended from overweight in a healthy weight, which seems good, but the mental part was just the same! It all got worse when anxiety kicked in as fear for my future in my mid 20ies. I needed food to have the feeling of control, the more control the more pressure, the more pressure the less "success" on the scale, the bigger the feelings of guilt & failure. I'm so happy therapy was my way out of it! First important step by my therapist was to give up dieting for the time of theraphy, to focus on healing first. And than, once my depression & anxiety was treated, I managed not to cling my selfworth and my eating together. Once I was happy I didn't need that control anymore. Now I can accept myself and mybody not being perfect, but treating myself good!

[@chichilinha2895]

Abby, thank you so much for your work! A couple of years ago I also struggled with eliminating all kinds of food in an attempt to alleviate health issues, which lead me down a path of being underweight, loosing periods, feeling exhausted and miserable. This episode of yours has prompted me to share with you that your outlook on nutrition was one of the things which has helped me healing from this.

[@MultiSuperPotato]

I see myself in you so much, it's crazy. Thank you so much for sharing. ❤ I also developed binge eating disorder after orthorexia and have big problems with anxiety and medication also was a life saver for me. I feel so seen and I'm happy to not be alone in this. Thank you for your bravery in sharing this Abbey 💖

[@lilvels2429]

When you said you couldn’t have chai anymore that really resonated with me. I can’t eat carrots cause I ate only carrots for so long it took me two years to stop being orange :/ also instant Nescafé coffee… there’s so many foods/drinks I can’t have anymore and usually it’s because it was the only thing I ate for months :/

[@christinelamb1167]

For me it's oranges (or any other kind of citrus fruit). I don't know why, but oranges, tangerines and grapefruit were my go-to when I was ill with my ED. I ate so much citrus, my dentist noticed the enamel on my teeth was starting to wear away (of course I didn't tell him I was eating tons of citrus fruits every day!). Anyway, I can't stand to eat oranges anymore. I ate enough to last me a lifetime!

[@caraverrastro84]

Poppy giving paw 😍

[@AbbeysKitchen]

Poppy's working it for the camera

[@jessd0223]

Soooo many similarities between your story and my own orthorexia experience, right down to the undiagnosed adhd 😅 Seriously though, I cooked my family meals all through high school for the exact same reason. Life on the other side is better, thanks for sharing your story 💜

[@travelswithblindcane]

Thank you so much for this! I've had diabulimia since my early teenage years - basically, it's when a type 1 diabetic doesn't take enough insulin either to make hunger go away or to lose weight rapidly and very unsafely. I also had issues taking more insulin than I should have simply because if my blood sugar was low, i could eat carbs without feeling guilty. I'm almost 42 now and it's still a struggle. My entire childhood I wasn't allowed to eat fruit because of the carb and sugar content, so I feel guilty eating an apple even now. I'm still quite heavy since all the damage i did to my body and metabolism took its toll, but my diet is constantly improving and I'm able to exercise more and actually enjoy it most of the time.

[@broculorevoltado1955]

Thank you for sharing your story and struggles! ❤ It must be very difficult to talk about this issue! As someone who struggles with orthorexia, it means a lot that you shared you story❤ I also have ADHD and perfectionism, and never had anyone told me that they helped my ED. Thank you🥺 I hope this storry will help and touch a lot of people.

[@epowell4211]

This video was so affirming and eye opening. Like, I have always cringed hard at the term "cheat day" and really don't like calling certain foods "bad". On my current health/weight/fitness journey, I've avoided those concepts with the mantra "Don't make any changes you can't live with forever." I will not forbid myself any food, or berate myself for exceeding my target limits or missing my macro goals. My diet is my lifetime partner and I want it to be a healthy relationship that I don't feel I need a break from or look forward to escaping. If someone looked at my food log, they might say it is a restrictive diet, but no, what they'd see is the result of me making better choices because I'm no longer a slave to the rush of food pleasure and my tastes reflect the loss of that addiction. "Fed is best," the common answer to "is all natural breast milk better for a baby than processed formula", also applies to adults. Foods that best serve your body's needs are definitely more desirable than those that just give you calories and brief satiety, but that doesn't mean some foods are "bad". I'm a cheapskate at heart, and that value seeking hunter in me feels the same about food, and measures its value to me. I do include processed high protein snacks in my diet, mostly as a convenience food when I'm away from home for long periods and as a mid exercise energy boost between my period of walking and my strength training. General rule is that, if you add a zero to the grams of protein and that number is close to the total calorie count, it's a pretty okay source of protein, but I have a few items in my cupboard where the calorie count is 30% or more higher, and I find them acceptable because they fill other needs - some good carbs or fiber, or simply a compromise on a craving (I'm looking at you, Quest cookies and chips lol). The talk about the positive reinforcement you received and your desire to keep getting it was an eyeopener for me, as positive reinforcement is not something I've ever gotten a good deal of. I'm down about 130 lbs from my highest weight, currently own a wardrobe of clothes that I really feel myself in and feel good about wearing, and it is harder than ever before in my life to get dressed when leaving the house. I've gotten so used to the praise I've received that, if I put on something that doesn't make me say "wow!" when I see myself in the mirror, I will keep trying different things until it does. I've never been this concerned about my appearance, and I look better than I have in decades. It really was bothering me because I didn't understand this compulsion. I'd just gotten so used to getting compliments from people, I'd lost the confidence that allowed me to wear whatever I felt like, even if I didn't think anyone would praise me.

[@emilysmith19]

Your honesty is so refreshing and inspiring. I've experienced the same restrictive style of eating and the high of the praise that comes from the weight loss I'm currently struggling with binge eating when im stressed. Which is ALL the time with a 3 year old and 1 year old. Your videos inspire me to heal my relationship with food.

[@amitbonshtein]

Thank you Abby ❤ You really said it all.. the why in recovery from Ed is so important for healing. I really relate to your story, thank you for sharing 🫶

[@Jelly_Jay_15]

I saw an old picture of me and I was like woah what the heck I was so skinny. I had an ed and undiagnosed celiac disease so it was bad. I gained 30 pounds afterwards and then in the future 5 more pounds. The 5 pounds from my birth control. Really helped me feel healthier

[@JasonMemeoa]

This was such a good watch. You're so brave for putting this out there Abbey (esp.the trust the skinny cook part 🤭)

[@joysmith6729]

Love how supportive your pup is❤

[@maddievic2]

Thank you so much for sharing a piece of your heart with us. Really was so healing for me as I often felt like I was “failing at my ED” by shifting my attention towards my career. You are so empowering and your content has really helped me chart a new path of healing. Thanks Abbey.

[@leaf.n1nja]

I’m so glad you shared your story as a person who found your channel not too long ago! I didn’t expect such a brave backstory 💪🏻❤

[@AbbeysKitchen]

Thank you for being so kind and listening❤

[@chazluvmusic]

Thank you so much for being so real and showing this more vulnerable side of yourself! Even though you've been facing a lot of challenges in your life, I see in you a strong woman that was meant so succeed in life. Hopefully this can help other people realize it's okay to ask for help to feel better ❤️

[@TaylorBriscoe-q6b]

Thank you! You've healed so many of our journeys with food, and given us tools to keep making progress. After becoming a mum it was difficult to navigate maintaining a good relationship with food because we are inundated with so many "rules", while needing to return to a healthy weight, and modeling good food relationships for my boys. Your videos have helped me piece a strategy together, but I'd love to learn more about how you managed this and how we can all navigate that three-way balance in a way where there are 1000x more stressors and seemingly 23 less hours in day.

[@hivyfalou1393]

you're one of the youtbers I most love, I watch your contents for years now, and just love them all😍😍😍

[@nil.2713]

I never noticed how similar our stories are. Thanks for being so open about your journey.

[@nnnnnnnnnnn7292]

I have battled anxiety since infancy, finding solace in food due to the abuse I experienced in my childhood. Can you imagine feeling the impulse to overindulge during Sunday dinners you went through yourself? I felt it every day. As a result, I went through cycles of good health and beauty, but also struggled with obesity and bulimia. Recently, I've committed to truly living. It's a challenge, but I'm dedicated to it. Your support and guidance mean a lot to me.

[@annafrerker872]

Abbey, I loved listening to this. I have struggled with orthorexia, yo yo dieting, an eating disorders all throughout middle school. I have been an intense athlete my entire life- cross fit, dancer, and just finished my college running career. I related with so much of your story and I appalud you for sharing it because it takes bravery but it can help so many people! I am a current half marathoner and am in the midst of training for a marathoner. I have struggled with anxiety as I put pressure on myself to get perfect grades and succeed in everything. I went through an eating disorder in sixth grade, which destroyed my confidence and caused me lots of bruises, pain in my stomach, bloating, and fatigue. I struggled with sleep as I was addicted to caffine. I was living off of fruit and caffine and running constantly. I found that if I wanted to continue to run and compete at a high level, I needed to eat more and stop losing weight. My recovery was hard; being stuck in the hospital forced to eat for about a week and then being stuck at home not allowed to exercise and having to eat specific foods was hard, but it allowed me to understand the value of food and the importance of fuel. I am now happier, enjoying my running, as I finished my college athletic carrer with a seconf place win and am graduating from college on Saturday.

[@cynthia1795]

Congratulations on your successes and graduation! Great vibes being sent your way. ❤

[@ruthestern]

Your dog! Adorable!!!! Not to minimize your message. You are spot on! I love your videos. Diet culture is INSANE. How is it normal to "count" your food?? Ugh! I am so tired of all of this. At 61, I've released myself from judging my eating. Adding healthy foods, keeping refined foods to a minimum (but still eating them), and enjoying eating - that's the only philosophy I embrace.

[@stschubs]

thank you for your honesty and wisdom, it's a big mental load, much love to you and those who struggle

[@madisonrichards8108]

A video on the process of slowly adding calories back to your diet, and recovering would be so beneficial to so many people.

[@deathechovii]

A starved brain is irrational. A Irrational brain leads to irrational thoughts and it's those irrational thoughts that exacerbates the ED. That's why it's crucial to gain weight to beat the ED. Keep eating people, trust the process and keep moving forward. You got this.

[@christinacole7019]

Thank you for sharing your story, Abbey. It resonates with mine in so many ways. I lost a significant amount of weight in high school eating the way you did (i.e., lots of fat free food). Then, I started binge eating in college and even went through a period of purging in my early-20s. I was a compulsive overeater for many years after that, even though my body appeared to be a healthy weight. It wasn't until 2020 when I became determined to give up binge eating and compulsive overeating for good. One thing that helped me was not declaring any food off limits or only having certain foods on certain days. For instance, I'll let myself eat cheesecake on a random Tuesday night; it doesn't have to be my birthday, the weekend, a holiday, etc. The irony was that as soon as I gave myself permission to eat "junk food" and have "cheat meals," the less I desired to do so. I have an unopened package of Oreos that's been in the pantry for almost a year (they're probably expired by now). There's no way I could have done that when I was at the height of my ED. I would have binged on the Oreos in one night.

[@thenfppodcast]

I love this because it is SO real and honest and EXACTLY how ED sounds in the brain and how it looks lived out! Thank you for sharing and laughing at yourself too!

[@AbbeysKitchen]

You're so welcome!

[@cammiemr5172]

Thank you for sharing, Abbey. I had an ED when I was a teenager and early 20s. I just wanted to be thin. You furbaby with the paw on you is just so very sweet. ❤❤❤

[@AbbeysKitchen]

Thanks for sharing!!

[@ruthies1905]

This is so specific, but as a fellow ED recover-er from Toronto: OMG I remember the dessert place that you're talking about so fondly! It had the most delicious crepe and ice cream. And I also remember all the BS I had to do to "deserve" to eat there. It was so scary to do, but so helpful to teach that nothing bad happens after you eat dessert. In fact, it's pretty nice :)

[@rozzykronfeld-wilbanks8759]

Hi Abbey. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I have had generalized anxiety disorder and have been a perfectionist my whole life. In my 20’s for like 7-8 years I developed major Anorexia. Hospitalized twice. My parents finally figured out what was going on. This was like 1989. Wasn’t a lot of support or information on what to do. But I was ridiculously low weight. Took years and my husband has helped me so much. I’m a low normal weight. Don’t starve though. Five years ago mom passed tragically. Then I got Covid in 2022 and lost weight. Then dad died recently from Covid, in a coma. So heartbreaking. I am trying but, not gaining. I’m kinda of a mess. We have a chance to make a dream of ours come true. I don’t know if I’m strong enough emotionally, physically. Thanks for letting me share this❤

[@carro7sheena7]

Thanks for your story. I was anorexic and was over-exercising. Then I was binging-eating afterwards; my body’s way of trying to survive! It took me more than 15 years to have a marginally normal relationship with food. Still working on it. xxxx

[@isobelkate27]

“The odds are just not in our favour” i nearly cried hearing this, nearly 4 years since my an0rex!a manifested and i feel so sad and stuck, but this isnt my fault. I hope everyone else knows that too ❤

[@elysian_xd6677]

You’re so inspiring! I’m glad you’ve overcome this and are now able to share your advice

[@_oaktree_]

The "ED-sufferer to nutritionist/dietitian" pipeline is too real. Back in 2012/2013 when I was finishing university and emerging from a decade+ of the binge/restrict cycle, I got into weight training and the paleo diet. And since changing my diet away from a ton of carb-heavy bingeing and starting to exercise AT ALL had genuinely helped my health (even though the paleo diet is total BS), I got obsessed with nutrition and dietetics. I even started a Tumblr called "Occupy Fitspo" (remember fitspo? that was a time) where I would post pictures of elite athletes of all body shapes and sizes. My ideas around nutrition were kind of fucked up (I thought beans were dangerous because they contained antinutrients and that even whole-wheat/multigrain bread and brown rice were to be avoided), and I really wanted to do this wildly expensive distance learning "holistic nutrition" program. Thank god I didn't have the money for it and my mom wouldn't help! Eventually I found out about intuitive eating and that really helped me get on the way to better health, but that would unfortunately take another 5-8 years.

[@GPXgirl]

It’s definitely a blessing to be that way in high school. To not be insecure about your body, to not have a fat-phobic family that is constantly calling you fat or constantly pointing out when you gain weight. To not have your classmates comment on your weight or to be put on diets at 13. A lot of people have this and they take it for granted. We should be teaching our teenagers, to love their bodies, and that all sizes are beautiful. ❤

[@AbbeysKitchen]

Absolutely

[@debbieleemiszaniec6142]

Thank you for sharing the details, I knew you had an orthorexia background, but how that developed and what that looked like, it is so interesting how the physical and mental pieces interact in eating disorders. I often question how to define the line between an eating disorder and being the victim of an eating disordered culture. I think the continuation of the behaviour despite knowing you were too thin is a big indicator, which makes seeing that line more difficult for those in higher body weights. Both have the same physical consequences, which cross over to the brain as it starves, again making me wonder how to know without an official diagnosis, when the starved brain has the same response just due to the starvation, and our culture continually tells us that a fear of weight gain, especially if we are in a larger body, is justified.

[@vaneskak1579]

Thank you for sharing your story. ❤ I think your story is so relatable to so many people. I’m so glad I found your channel. I feel like your approach to eating is with common sense ( not that common sense is always common in this world) ❤

[@barbettecaravaggio7675]

What you say about the sugar is fattening, so i'll cut that out.. oh and hey, fat is fattening so i'll cut that out too! Yeah... this is the slippery slope... before you know it you're trying to live off of salad. I have had very severe anorexia, and almost died twice because of it in my teenage years. Still learning to manage eating issues, but no longer anorexic. Again, thanks for this amazingly personal and courageous video!

[@miriamcraimer6961]

This is so relatable and enlighting Abbey. I need to get on the therapy train is what I'm realizing more and more...

[@user-strength10]

awesome to hear the real side, no BS, that's why i like and have followed you for awhile (under a different alias but facts anyway)... would like to see the Abbey sharp that took things next level too, i know you've got it in you (yes i'm older and "supposedly" hit my natty limit awhile ago, these folks can't grasp reality sometimes) keep doing what your do'in and don't worry about the haters, you've got this 😎

[@kerra7386]

Thank you for this video! I’m currently working on losing a bit of weight and I’ve been trying to do it in a healthy way without slipping into obsession, (im a huge fan of your videos, they’ve been super helpful!!) and this video has really helped me reflect on my behaviors and which ones are keepers and which ones I should get rid of. Thank you ❤

[@suezq57]

New subscriber!! Thank you for sharing and making me feel like I’m not alone.

[@ritolas14]

thank you for sharing your story and making others feel less alone

[@linacollins9958]

Thanks for this, loved everything about this video especially the adorable paws of affection !💕

[@nicolelake5848]

I am Autistic and developed Epilepsy at age 5, for the 5 years that followed I was on a plethora of anti seizure medications. The doctors kept changing them because of side effects including hallucinations, insomnia, depression, anxiety, panic attacks and weight gain. Every time I started a new drug my weight would shoot up. My school nurse spoke to 5 year old me about my lunchbox without my mum present, she picked in the fact I had a little cereal bar (when other kids had cupcakes in their lunch boxes). The hospital were weighing me every week and started blaming my mum for my weight gain, so from age 5 my mum had me on a constant diet. By the time I came off the medication at 10, as I had grown out of my seizures, I was overweight, had experienced years of relentless bullying and my parents were going through a very messy divorce. My mum had to start working full time and by age 11 I was spending a lot of evenings home alone. I started binging, didn’t know how to make myself a healthy dinner at that age and I was just fucking miserable. So by the time I was 13 I was morbidly obese. I saw a doctor for my heavy periods, she told me I had PCOS without doing any testing (I don’t have PCOS). She told me that if I ever wanted to have children (I was 13) I would need to eat less than 1200 calories a day and walk fast for 2 hours a day, she literally said “walk like a man is chasing you”. I started that and lost a bit of weight. Then, one day, some boys who would bully me on my walk home threw a drink at me, I nearly whacked them with my bag, but I froze. Something clicked in my head then and I just stopped eating for 2 days. I decided during those 2 days that 350 calories a day would be ok. I did this for about 9 months and dropped a lot of weight, I stopped bleeding during periods and just experienced excruciating pain, my vision started going completely black every time I stood up for about 20-30 seconds (I got used to walking around in the dark). I started having palpitations every morning, my heart rate at rest dropped below 40bpm and I could never stay warm, even in the middle of summer. Then we went on holiday to Paris for a few days and, stuck in a hotel room with my mum I ended up eating more, mostly carbs as I am Vegan. My legs and stomach swelled up and I felt so incredibly weak. When we finally came home, I lied that I must have caught the flu as I couldn’t move from the sofa for a few days, I couldn’t even lift my head. To this day I have no idea why my mum never did anything to help here… She said she would take me to the GP for the swelling at some point. After a few days of not eating on the sofa, I requested a soy yoghurt, that led to a binge… So I learned how to make myself throw up from an online guide. Over the proceeding 4 years I would cycle between a few weeks starving and a few weeks of binge purging. I was still losing weight, but a lot slower than before. At 15 I got a debit card and started buying laxatives online. I started laxative binges, sometimes getting through whole boxes of laxatives. It was agony, but I enjoyed it in a sick way. At some point I started getting scared of breathing in calories, so I would breathe so shallow at times that my voice went hoarse; I also stopped brushing my teeth and washing with products in case I absorbed calories (somehow?) At 17 I was at my lowest weight, a bag of bones really, but when I looked in the mirror lumps of fat would start appearing all over me. Then I finally saw the Autism specialist psychiatrist. She diagnosed me with Autism and Anorexia Nervosa, started me on citalopram and agreed to continue seeing me until I turned 18 and I started recovery. Obviously recovery was a very bumpy road with lots of relapses along the way, but 8 years later I became a mum. Not really sure how I got here honestly. But my body is bloody resilient!

[@Bethany-m9p]

Please talk about Colleen Christensen. She's a promoter of intuitive eating. I've noticed that she is looking very sick and thin looking. I am wondering if she is relapsing back into anorexia.

[@earthbruja5268]

​@@user-fc4xg5ym1t Abbey looks normal tho

[@Liu484]

Losing it at the dog wanting to shake hands with you while you speak. So cute!

[@jenniferlegrand1623]

I can really related. I started my ED during a weight loss journey. It started innocently enough but I became obsessed with points (weight watchers...) and developed orthorexia. I also grew a "love" for healthy eating and went to school to become a Dietitian. It wasn't until years after graduating and surrounding myself with Dietitians who practiced Intuitive Eating that I sought out counseling. The thoughts are always there but I remember that I am modeling a healthy relationship with food to my son. Thank you for sharing your story and for giving a platform to others to share theirs.

[@Saraflowerk]

So happy to see your puppy buddy for this one. 😊 Thank you for sharing your story. ❤

[@bc14973]

JC…. Thank you for this! Although I didn’t have a potential singing career, I went through all of the other stuff. It’s so surreal to hear about the timeline…. The 90s and 00s were a different time that other “generations” don’t understand.

[@babs075]

Interesting what you said about people with food disorders going into the health industry. I used to work with a woman who was an RD. She always looked good. She was always so thin so my assumption was that she took really good care of herself. But I never saw her eat at any company functions. She might take a bite or two but she just never ate a meal, not once. As not understanding the whole food ED thing back then, people kind of used to make fun of her, telling her she needs to eat, etc. It was just a known thing that she never ate. It has been many years since I've seen her but she seemed really thin, but physically fit. I had never really put the two together.

[@michaelscott774]

Thanks so much for sharing. It gave me a lot to think about and how to work on my why.

[@AbbeysKitchen]

Glad it was helpful!

[@lilypad342]

Old lady 54 years old. Started binging and purging with my mom’s “chocolate “ candy when I was in second grade. I have never recovered. I did have 3 children and during those pregnancies I was the best me!! No caffeine, no soda, alcohol and loads of fruit veggies beans grains and protein. I grew great babies. But I went to a hospital program that at the time I thought it was a joke and I played their game and discharged after 2 weeks. Unfortunately I never had any other therapy and at my age I still only eat protein and veggies and I take ALOT of purging products. It’s disgusting but I don’t know it is just my life. I admire you Abbey and think you’re so intelligent and strong! You’re incredible

[@tiffanyb543]

It’s never too late to recover ❤

[@WhitneyLong-sv4mt]

Fellow RD.. My story is very similar to yours. Thank you for sharing your story!❤

[@Xyxyr]

This video is exactly what I needed rn tysm Abby ❤❤

[@JenniferRose23]

You should pre-order Marina Diamandis’s book Eat The World. She’s my favorite singer and she wrote this poetry book and it discusses her eating disorder at 17 + moving to the US. Love you, this hit hard for me as someone recovering from HA after severe restriction. You make me and many others feel less alone💜

[@willowbee6125]

I wish I could just have a chat with you so you could alert me to what is healthy thinking and what might be a red flag of an ED. I used to struggle with anorexia but I've learned to love myself and even to this day I don't have a desire to be super skinny. However, because I was overweight once in my life, I tend to always go back to that weight after having children and I feel so uncomfortable in my skin. The only way it seems that I ever get REAL results IS to be very strict on my diet. Like, calculating every meal, lots of fasting and eating well below what I should in a day. We want to have more children but being in my late 30's has made weight loss even harder so I've been even stricter. I hate putting my body through this roller coaster of weight changes, but I love our kids and believe they are totally worth it. I feel so tossed and don't know some days if I'm being logical or not.