LIMERENCE: How to Stop the Nightmare of Codependent Obsession

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Growing up in an atmosphere of lies has a terrible way of damaging your ability, even in adulthood, to detect lies and deceit coming from the people around you. When you've been romantically exploited, and your urge is to give them MORE rather than help yourself, it's time to get serious about your recovery. In this letter I respond to a letter from a woman who abandoned her own recovery program for a fresh start in a foreign country, and was soon giving money to manipulative boyfriend who may just be a con artist.
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[@pirkeiavot8162]

Getting rid of my spiritual belief in “twin flames” and “soulmates” as a coping mechanism to justify my limerence is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I don’t know what it’s like to be free of limerence or if it’s even possible (the research I’ve read indicates it has to do with the kind of brain wiring we have)-but what I know is that my level of obsession is not healthy and I hope to heal to the best of my ability someday.

[@lalyh.3231]

If you listen to "twin flame" coaches they also encourage you to let go and completely focus on yourself and the present moment. Its all a spiritual journey leading back o yourself. I hope you find peace and love. Its not meant to be hard. Just accept and allow.

[@christineherrmann205]

@@lalyh.3231 I was going to say, the two ideas are not mutually exclusive; the issue isn't belief, it's obsession. The trick is to know you have soulmates out there, but also understand that you don't own anyone, and sometimes things aren't meant to exist in this particular lifetime.

[@kasiasaz9317]

Getting rid of the limerence is such a relief. I realized that new age lead me to this state and forgetting soulmates/flames/karmic made me more connected to the real people. I was lonely during the limerence.

[@kasiasaz9317]

@@lalyh.3231 To the person that is in a limerence it sounds like they are given two choices: suffer from their obsessive love or let go and focus only self (sounds the worst, it's loneliness). I discovered that without the limerence there is a full life. Good connections are possible. Nobody told me that when I was on a 'twin flame journey'. I haven't heard from coaches anything that was making life better. It's only empty phrases and they keep you stuck.

[@kasiasaz9317]

@@christineherrmann205 it's manipulative. Gives hope for the future, even if you promise love in the next lifetime. It keeps people attached to the person that is not worth it. Things meant/not meant to be is such a nonsense. I've been hearing this for years. Thousands of people suffer and search for help and then they find spiritual gurus from the internet who prey on them.

[@t.l1357]

I'm telling yall. No sex within the first 6 months would weed out over half these manipulators.

[@MaRiAm936]

I won't give my body to someone who won't commit to me.so NO PRE MARITAL SEX

[@KimHeb.]

Agreed! Celibacy until marriage, and allowing healthy individuals help with vetting gets rid of even more of them.

[@chrisc3571]

@@KimHeb. nope. Celibacy until marriage just got me a narcissistic husband who hoped he could continue to avoid sex with me after the wedding.

[@tinamenon1593]

@@chrisc3571 yes cerebral narcissists will never ever reciprocate....waiting doesn't weed them out, it incentivises and encourages them.

[@Raminakai]

Half? Maybe 75 percent:)

[@ann-gelaholloway]

Who else besides me never knew that there are 12-step programs out there for co-dependency? I’m going to look for a local one today!

[@L.Hodson]

Me !!

[@cindygagnebin3253]

There are 12 step groups for food issues too.

[@itziare8690]

I am attending ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Disfunction am families) online program, and it's helping me a lot with my childhood trauma. It's free and it's being so helpful for me. I cannot recommend it enough.

[@mtaylor7307]

One group is called CODA and has free online meetings every day of the week. You can stay in one group or a combination of groups OR just drop in like people do for AA or NA groups.

[@bitchenboutique6953]

Yeah I hadn’t heard there was a program specifically for codependency. I’m intrigued!

[@thecommunity1102]

Just as a side note: it's completely natural and normal as a human being to desire community, touch, affection, and all of those other things. You aren't weird for wanting intimacy. You're human. It's just important to channel those feelings in healthier ways. You shouldn't accept all kinds of abuse or ambivalence for the sake of having your natural human craving for intimacy and connection satiated. May your longings prompt you to be more community minded and focused. I hope you all get out into the world and try to raise up a healthier, safer, and more connected generation.

[@mariaramos8267]

We have to be conscious, unless we get stuck even when we want to leave.

[@auraoptics]

Well said . Gratitude , love 💚

[@noelmariam8121]

​@@mariaramos8267 😊

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

Being able to live without a relationship is a strength I think .... You are strong enough to not be reliant on it... Hobbies help me with this .

[@bridgettetraveler658]

Yep! Exactly! Beautifully said!!!

[@sassi7966]

I feel free and at peace living on my own for the first time at age 46. If I'd known it was nothing to be scared of, and actually something good for me!, I'd have done this much sooner..and not lurched from one bad relationship to another, all desperate and clingy.

[@zoooejenkins]

Thank you for exposing the ugliness and treachery of limerence. Romantic and magical thinking are not as innocent as they seem.

[@sassi7966]

Yes we are brainwashed from a young age to believe in fairy tales and then later romance novels and films. It's not the be all and end all. And in fact, can be harmful.

[@tahitihawaiiblue]

Money is a HUGE red flag. If a person (especially a man) enquirers about money even slightly for me, after what I had experienced, is a run away fast!!!

[@justsomeguy1671]

Hahaha MOST women ask about money on the first date nowadays. Seems like a lot of narcissists out there

[@tahitihawaiiblue]

@@justsomeguy1671 very shallow observation

[@justsomeguy1671]

@@tahitihawaiiblue lol uhh right back atcha. Ummm do you have a job? Have you really not heard of a woman asking this question?

[@tahitihawaiiblue]

@@justsomeguy1671 men need to be able to provide stable income for a woman who’s unable to work due to pregnancy childbirth and rearing very young children. Hence if a man is a freeloader the family and especially children will suffer more.

[@tasfiahnabani8719]

@@justsomeguy1671 and why should you date someone who doesn't even have a job ? Unless you're in high school ofc

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

You don't have to date anyone.. What works for me is finding a fulfilling hobby that gives you joy and purpose .. you could also meet people with a common interest too!!

[@Luna-kb3sr]

I love this idea. I get very lonely and I like the idea of diving into my hobbies instead of distractions. Thank you

[@latoriarichardson6754]

@@Luna-kb3sr I think this is good for me to follow!

[@sew161]

I am fine being alone, I have adult children and grandchildren in my life. I do hobbies when my health allows and really like not having to answer to anyone

[@sew161]

@Louis76 I get that, you need to keep meeting people until you meet the one then.

[@sew161]

@Louis76 make a plan to live life the way you want to live it and then set about it. One step at a time, with joy

[@juliemoore6957]

Alma's 1st marriage story is almost identical to mine! Unreal! But do the healing work, Alma! I did and eventually I met a real, true, good man. Not a fantasy man, but a true-blue guy who is now my husband and best friend. Having a partner I can trust with my heart is a miracle. Follow Anna's advice. Make your list of qualities you want in a mate and prayerfully give it to God. I did. And I got 27 out of 28 character qualities in my husband. Don't give up. I married again at 51. There's so much hope if you love yourself enough to put in the work in your healing!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing your support with our letter writer. Grateful you're here! - Ashley, Team Fairy

[@Augfordpdoggie]

one thing i have never heard Anna address, is the fact that when you are ugly and have CPTSD, it is way more difficult to recover. As an ugly man, at the age of 48, who has never been loved by anyone,I can go years without having women be interested in me. When they are, theyre usually broken and dysfunctional like myself. And then what happens, is like being stranded in the desert without water for years, as soon as you see water, you will drink as much as you can quickly. I used to do that with women, because something is better than nothing. Now, i gave up on everything because my CPTSD ruins everything, it is easier not to try. I have given up on my personal dreams, and i have given up on women. it is boring, but being alone at 48, is the most stability i have ever had in my life.

[@latoriarichardson6754]

You may see yourself as "ugly", but that doesn't mean everyone does. I think you are in a good place right now (not entertaining toxic entanglements). You should continue to focus on yourself, heal and you never know a good woman for you may come along.

[@Areutherehello]

Same here. I'm not ugly, but I'm average pretty. It's the same with me in that men generally have no interest in me. The narcs that hurt me/ the ones who were "interested" in me, have been few and 15 years far between. I know the desert you speak of very well.

[@Augfordpdoggie]

@@Areutherehello yeah life is a cruel torment, so glad i never had kids

[@pennythepincher1889]

Personally i dont mind dating ugly men. For one im vain and always wanna be the "pretty one" and the passion is 💪 on point!! Im a Attention whore..Dont hate me😂

[@Augfordpdoggie]

@@pennythepincher1889 wish there were more women like you....you can have all the attention ;)

[@CJ-uk1rt]

so sorry for what Alma has been through. ❤ I told myself that I won't date or even entertain a guy until I'm healed, I even got rid of my social media😅

[@wolflar16]

Helping me learn what problems are mine to own, and which problems aren't.

[@evonne315]

I was romantically conned too. Its so awful my ex got a whole house out me through charming, lies, gaslighting and future faking me. He stole my dreams, scapegoated me and pushed me out after I supported him for years. Like the author of the letter I too felt so down and beating myself up for being fooled. I lost my faith in humanity for quite awile. But staying no contact and working on myself it got better, and I have hope again it will continue to. Thinking of dating is scary and sounds like a chore, but I like the idea of "slow dating". I am guilty of being swept up in a lot of things in my life but relationships are the number one most hurtful thing to get swept up in then lose with only my spinning head left, in the dust, lol. Hang in there everyone. This was a very hopeful video today thank you! 🙏

[@juliaskagfjord6207]

Wow this is so intense. I guess it can happen either way to either partie sometimes. Sorry to hear of all your losses on all levels with that man. Take good care. We must continue to strive to find the people in life who will truly care for us and get behind us

[@rsamuels6969]

I am signing up for your dating course right away! I recently dated someone who wanted to go so fast- joked about moving in, wanted to text all the time, wanted to be interested in everything I was interested in. I kept saying I wanted to go slow, so im proud of myself for sticking my limits. I could see that it wasn’t healthy what he was doing. Maybe he was codependent/had cptsd. I won’t judge Bc we are all healing, but I knew enough to recognize the flags 🚩 So grateful for your channel and your work and all I’ve learned. I can feel myself getting closer to a healthy relationship as I MYSELF get healthier ❤️

[@ldbee9]

I can relate to this so much. Sometimes I have regret of not learning all of this earlier in life (I am 35 and have had a few long term toxic relationships). I can be grateful that I am learning now and it gives me hope for the future.

[@elissacollins1898]

Anna ,thanks for giving the over 50s the top gong!YES ! Never too late for a NEW LIFE ! 😀

[@rosyloveslearning3013]

Such a relatable situation. Narcissism. Mistrust. Closed heart.

[@jordansthoughts54]

I’m in this pattern right now: my first love & I were together for 6 months and it was my most serious relationship. doesn’t want anything to do with me: she no longer wants me in her life in a close way but I keep going back trying to make it work and giving gifts to her despite knowing things will never be the same. I need to stop attaching and accept my self love journey.

[@stacyjaye6350]

You actually have to be really careful nowadays, jordan. Unwanted gifts can be considered a form of harassment or even stalking. Feel your broken heart, I really, really do, but think about what's best for you and your family.

[@cristinarablic]

Hi, try give her space few weeks, let her run after you. Thats is only solution that works. Some women need not be suffocated with attention. Trust me

[@wendywilliams3962]

Bless her heart. I hope she continues to heal. My story is similarly ish. I feel as women we have to be aware and understand we live in a patriarchal world. It is not men that are inherently horrible….it is their conditioning of power and entitlement and Being disconnected from their hearts. So many men play Women’s hearts and yearning for connection. Belle Hooks book The Will to Change opened my eyes 👀 WIDE about how misogyny is the water we swim in. It is changing. We are rising. Please don’t blame yourself for the malice of darkness . So grateful for the Fairy 🧚‍♀️💫❤️

[@journeywithsunshine3642]

Thank you for creating these videos! These help me recognize where I need healing myself and also how to navigate parenting my daughter better with no healthy frame of reference from my own upbringing. Thank you!

[@stacyjaye6350]

How impossibly cool your help and your daughter in this manner!!

[@smokindisaster99]

Every story is my own story.. Thank you CCF! It's good to know, "it's not just me" "I'm not crazy" "I can fix this"!

[@michellefroud5723]

Hi Anna, You are most definitely a wordsmith. I thought I had a great vocabulary, but you use words that I even have to look up; I believe you have mentioned before that you, like, were a voracious reader as a child in an effort to at least mentally escape the chaos surrounding you. I appreciate you. Michelle

[@michellefroud5723]

Oops... I should proofread...what I meant to say (though I 'm certain you figured it out) ... you, like me, were...

[@conniet444]

The right wording is paramount! That's exactly how I feel about Anna. She puts into words what I cannot do for myself. She helps me know myself, and from there, I can figure out the next steps to take on my path to healing. Wording is everything!! : )

[@allisona9490]

Sounds like a combination of a lot of things made her vulnerable. Not knowing the language would require a lot of dependence just for survival in an unknown place. Glad she's going back home❤️❤️

[@janedunlap3518]

My story is about 75% of Alma's...and yes, CODA meetings help. I was vulnerable after the 2020 Covid lockdowns...glad I started back to my meetings. Glad I happened on your videos too!😊🙏

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

Hobbies lead to happiness for me. .

[@plandemic7409]

Thank you for reading a story. You have no idea how great is to hear and relate to other people and not feel like a outcast for our traumas and behaviour. Is also lovely to hear your advice

[@KatErina-ii6ru]

Thank you for this.. I’m going to sign up for the dating course. I recently realized after watching another video you did I had some issues I need to deal with directly instead of living in potential and always just hoping I’ll meet a healthy person for a relationship. If I’m not healthy how do I expect to be in a healthy relationship and meet someone healthy?? 🤔 so after the last video I watched I decided to take a break from dating. Thank you for your work 🌷💗

[@Amysbiblereads]

It happened to my friend. Used her for a visa to the uk from Africa, married her, got her pregnant then once he was a resident.. he left. It’s quite common😭😭

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

:( -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Me-xoxoz]

The other way round too is common. European men either marry African women have kids and dump them by going back home or bring them back to their home country, dump them and hold on to the children.

[@christinarichie6171]

It's as old as the hills thought most people knew this. It was very common in the 90s

[@mimis.8943]

And now I am addicted to these videos to get through letting go of limerence…

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@divineduality]

Look ladies let’s loose the belief we need someone else in our lives to be happy! We can be happy, alone, old and free of these trash men! Not saying they all are but we out number them by how much? And assuming a good chunk have the tendency to be uh you know scum bags! Alma please don’t talk bad about your self ever ever ever love yourself

[@valeriemassard3732]

I love how the Fairy’s magic is giving us all hope and perspective! Thank you Fairy!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

That's the spirit! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Jasminejupiterjuice]

I'm glad lots of elder women are sharing their stories it's so important and helpful to learn from. I thank you!!

[@pilis.5681]

Lowest of the freaking low, that guy. Not just inconsiderate, he was a literal leech. So glad you broke free of that!

[@SoberOKMoments]

Twelve-step programs are available online in zoom meetings (and other servers) 24/7 all over the world. Anyone with access to WiFi can join AA groups, Al-Anon groups, Drug abuse, CODA, Over eaters, etc. etc.

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

Good thing the had the wherewithal to find a 12 step group to work on her codependency issues.... I think it is a lifetime issue because you can easily relapse into codependent behavior...

[@dvillebenny1445]

Don't feeI bad about being taken by this man. These guys have practiced their skiIIs and honed their behaviors. They are predators and they know what behaviors to expect from you before you reaIize the predictable patterns. These guys are usually attractive, great in bed and start off with good manners. If they were ugly, perverts, impolite or discourteous you would see the red flags and run. How would you know this man was a con-man, it's not Iike it's written on his forehead. If you Iived in a sheltered married iife, it would be very hard to foreteII his future behavior as you would not be abIe to recognize it.

[@Abe-rz1nm]

Totally. I married a man who I thought was amazing and so did all my friends and family. Twelve years later he turned out to be a psychopath (yep - checked all the boxes except one and that's only because I had no evidence) who completely ruined my life. They are very very good at blending in, it's only when you stop the supply that their true selves come out.

[@KM-kh5pv]

Hi Anna, you have made a difference on so many levels. I am thankful and can't express my gratitude enough. What was an added catalyst was hip rocking, it truly was cathartic in releasing trauma... you are a blessing. You're hair is looking amazing 😊

[@priapadwal]

The last 4-5 mins of this video r absolute gold ✨

[@Desimere]

Have you seen the tinder swindler? There is no reason to think you are ugly just because you fell for a love scam. All those women were so beautiful. It could easily be that a con artist is specifically targeting beautiful women.

[@MaRiAm936]

if you have a low self esteem and you are desperate then you are the perfect target for those scammers

[@amarisrania1585]

Oh wow. This is almost parallel to my life in many ways. Sending you so much encouragement and love. I know it can get better and it does.

[@AG-ej7wm]

Thank you so much for this episode, Anna, and thanks so much to you Alma for bravely sharing your story. I didn't know there was a 12-step program for this problem. I think I have the same thing and will now look for a group. I'm limerent, emotionally dependent and the closer I get to someone, the blurrier my boundaries get. I really want to start recovering and working on my emotional health this year after a brutal 2 year relapse that made me feel lonely, isolated and stupid.

[@mariaalejandra2011]

Quiero una madrina como tu! Que bello este video, me siento muy identificada.. ojalá este programa se convirtiera en un programa gratuito de 12 pasos, tristemente no todos podemos pagar todos estos talleres... Yo pagué uno y realmente me esta salvando la vida y me ayudó a regresar a mis reuniones donde estaba fugada y en negación... Muy buen trabajo señora Ana, usted está siendo guiada por un poder superior para ayudar a otros 🙏

[@bridgettetraveler658]

I'm in my 50s! I married my 2nd husband in my 40s! It's not that I've given up on relationships, but if something happens to my husband I don't think I'll marry again! After marrying my 2nd husband I learned to love me! I had to truly grow up & stand up to him, my fam & his fam! I've made many haters, but I ain't 1! I hope she learns to love herself & don't rush into a relationship! Travel & enjoy life all by yourself! Just be careful! I pray & study my bible! I believe many of the youtube videos are GOD sent!!!

[@noonereally4798]

If he’s on drugs, he’s not good enough for you.

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

Therapy and medication can help as well as 12 steps groups like CODA ..

[@pjt3887]

Great advise. Love your channel. There's 12 step meetings help each day all around the world most are in english! Zoom and a sponsor will keep you safe. ❤️

[@st0a]

"dream person" a.k.a love-bombing cluster B personality

[@stacyjaye6350]

Nailed it!

[@user-ff4tw8uf4b]

There is so much wisdom in your videos, both for people suffering from CPTSD, and for those dealing with CPTSD victims. Thank you Anna 😊

[@ErinSmith-jo8td]

This woman could be me with all we have in common, though I’m younger figuring this shit out. I’m late 30s, 3 kiddos, oldest with autism, deployed to Africa two years ago, and my soon to be ex was a porn addict.I tried to save my marriage for 5 years doing individual/couples therapy, and dealt with codependency. It was a lot to work through, and I am feeling better ending my marriage. I developed limerence on a friend who actually listens and gives me validation, but he’s happily married so off limits. I don’t have a lot of close friends for support through my divorce, but I hate the intrusive fantasies and false hope. They typically end after my friend gives me a wake up call or I’m reminded of his wife, who I’d never want to hurt after dealing with an unfaithful husband. I’ve done EMDR therapy and journal to deal, I feel like it’s something on my part to address, and I remind myself that limerence is a fantasy and demeans the real person I know and my friend. I hate limerence.

[@mplum]

I just found this channel and I have listened to maybe 5 of these. All were helpful and this one was the most relatable for me. Thank you both.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for watching! Glad it was helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@rlee6052]

Great advice thank you for your channel. There is celebrate recovery at churches that have 12 step programs if anyone is looking for one

[@YumegakaMurakumo]

Can you do a video for those of us who are single and suffering from CPTSD? specifically those of us who are under 40 and have nightmares almost every single night from emotional abuse growing up.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Could you write in with a specific question about this topic? [e-mail] -Cara@TeamFairy

[@tater4379]

First off - THANK YOU ANNA ❤🙏❤🙏 I have only just heard the letter... paused vid to finally write in.... I am a truck driver and spend MOST days crushing self help from Hay House to youtube (ESP your channel Anna.) Anna, you NAIL it - hugely with your KINDNESS & gentle wisdom. 😇 This ladies letter (as most letters do) struck a deep chord... today is a significant date for me, and in honour of that, I was jumping onto your channel to sign up for your dating course. Lord (& anyone who knows me) knows I need serious help in that department. Were I to provide "background" I would be hip deep into a first draft of the book I have been told I ought to write.... 😳 Suffice to say - codependence + dating is a mine field at the very least... God Bless ALL of us as we walk forward. 🙏🌌❤😇🌎 Knowledge is Power peeps ~ so, chow down n' Power Up 🤓🤙💪❤

[@jellyrcw12]

Thank you for sharing these videos, they are very insightful and give me a lot to reflect on. Here's to everyone's healing journey, may you find peace and joy.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for spreading the love! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@KandyKoatedKrafts]

Excellent video Anna!! Thank you! 🧚🏼‍♀️🧚🧚🏽‍♂️

[@Jendoof]

This is a Heavey Topic thank you for Helping all us Almas!!!

[@Luna-kb3sr]

I am NOT a fan of twelve step programs but if you work for you then congrats! You must find what works for you spiritually.

[@sharonsgottapuzzle]

Luna, 12 step programs didn't work for me, but SMART recovery meetings do. There are some local meetings, depending on where you live, but I do Smart Recovery online and there are some amazing meetings. SMART stands for Self Management and Recovery Training. REBT and CBT based.

[@Applauseify]

My ex poured me with love bombing and extra attention in beginning. Then stone walling (silent treatment) and gaslighting continued for next 5 years. But, I kept on hoping to initial few months when I responded to what he wanted and he was lovey dovey as it made me feel I m worthy of love and someone can love me. Even in last three years when he literally was pushing me out of house, i day dream about him realizing how he made a mistake and kept on appeasing him/ pleasing him and getting his approval. In my 6 year marriage I had sex twice with him. He later jumped away when I touched him. i saw zero connect between my parents, no respect, no partnership just people who were doing things for their children. I wanted my marriage to be different but mine turned to be worst as in my ex turned kid against me and emotionally cut me off from her. I judged my parents marriage and their emotional non availability but i landed in bigger gutter where the other person has no qualms about snatching child away and making child hate me. Maybe my ex was gay but god one look at my face, hsi face will be filled with ugly expression. I kept on hoping to see a smile when he looked at me. My parents relationship was not so terrible. What and why did I do that? I have lost faith in my ability to see people for who they are or to step out when needed. I feel so alone ( family in a different country). I always day dreamt about love with someone from totally opposite background but I m too scarred by emotional blackhole and deepest disappointment that my marriage was

[@tater4379]

Keep empowering yourself with knowledge, such as Anna's channel... Go In - Not Out 💪🌌❤

[@bringpeacetoall5505]

One of the first! Can't wait to finish this!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Yes, I believe you were #1 :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@alicethemadrabbit1842]

Man. Makes sense why online dating is such a mess.... everyone seeking validation and love and sex but only in a few days and with a stranger. If I date again, I will date differently.

[@tammylynn1]

This makes me feel so much shame and hopelessness like I’ll never feel better again or escape this pattern

[@kathylarsonhall]

Thank you for telling this the way it is!

[@sadie9386]

I love the idea of dating once a week and having self respect. In the past I have ended up living with men within a week, giving up my job and even working for them for free. Bleugh.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Many of us relate! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Amarideout]

Bad guy blues ! Thank God. I'm free. I am safe. I'm HERE.

[@laurenpaterson3475]

I had this my mother used to dump me on au pairs and my grandmother as she was not in to being a parent

[@shessupersalty]

I deserve so much better and I can't afford to leave.

[@richardfrank4647]

Great video, thank you

[@jessicaholis]

omg, all the videos are gonna FIT ABSOLUTELY IN ME?

[@ashleycampos8839]

This was really comforting thank you

[@rainrainwebdesign]

Love this video. You sound like you're on the right path to me. Haven't read the comments but hope you've made progress since and hopefully made it out of Dodge. Somatic Experiencing is good to try for CPTSD btw in case you didn't know that.

[@gracevalentine1666]

Demisexuality is a good category- look at how identifying as demi can slow things into a manageable process.

[@mariposamoreno]

soulmates do exist.. but any red flags are a sign that usually no… that’s not the one

[@kathylarsonhall]

Thank you I am 74 and love your advice amen

[@mariasinai9205]

Well said you found out the truth…that is a beginning Thank you

[@magdalena.slavova]

Every time I hear dream person, soul mate, "higher power will choose for my self", and so on - I am - "Siiiigh, Here we go again....".

[@bxstar5276]

I think my boyfriend is obsessed with me. I have a recent disability - chronic seizure disorder. I have always been independent and active and I’m 43. I was at the height of my career in film and tv. I have lost everything. Somehow while having 30 seizures a day and wanting to die I met this man who wanted to look after me. I really liked him and wanted a relationship. It went super fast of corse and I know the issues with that. It became co dependant as he focused his life around me to try and help me get through this and get better. We both have cptsd. With one abusive and one absent parent. I have disowned my mother and done a lot of work. He thinks he can sort things with his dad and I think when he realises this won’t happen it will destroy him. I haven’t dealt with all the trauma from abusive ex’s and he gives me lots of flashbacks and I get very suspicious. I believe he really does care and want to Help but is looking for validation as well. I am super sensitive to insecurity and neediness. He has many similarities with my abusive ex past but dealt with it differently and wants love and community values. We are both very focused on working on ourselves Sep and together. I’m not sure I can stay with him. I have taken a massive step back and told him I have to sort myself out and be whole person without him. It’s been very hard to set boundaries with him, he doesn’t understand them and has issues with expectations. Ya it’s insanely had and I need a carer but this just isn’t attractive in a NEW relationship. I have been self medicating and it’s working and my seizures are reduced 50-70 percent so far! It’s hard with out my bf carer but I believes it’s for The best. I want a mutually supportive live partner not a new bf carer.

[@christineherrmann205]

In my experience, the thumbnail could have stopped at "Codependence equals Danger." ❤️

[@debral9651]

I have a high needs autistic son as well and this journey with him has helped me to learn that I am also on the spectrum. More what used to be called aspergers level. I am mentioning this as it's a good thing to be aware of. Thinking and talking differently has a big impact on who I am attracted to. And so I have to really think to myself when dating, am I missing social ques and not able to read between the lines about what's going on. Am I attracted to this person purely because they appear straight forward and the communication seems to flow easily. I am attracted to people who are clear and direct and it feels more intense because they seem to "get" me. But these types of people also have tendencies to be rude and obnoxious. I ignore it because I too can also appear to be rude and obnoxious. The difference is the intent. Mine is accidental. Theirs is not. There are often plenty of red flags but we miss them

[@debragoforth4738]

Very enlightening. Thanks

[@sally5256]

Wow. Incredible advice!!! Thank you 🙏❤️

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad it was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@Gigiyoungerme]

Enjoying your Q & A letters and answer 🅰️ Your assessments Thank you

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're enjoying them! Thanks for watching :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@jassminyoung2605]

CCF, Have you done any videos on emotional incest between a parent and a child? I have my own enmeshment issues and just broke up with a guy thats ALSO enmeshed with his own mom but I didn't fully see it until after I got out! I would love your input if you feel up to it.

[@becca6519]

Try Patrick Teahan! He has loads on this type of issue & is very informative and pragmatic xx

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Best to write a letter with your specific question, [e-mail] -Cara@TeamFairy

[@jassminyoung2605]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you!!!!

[@private755]

I would get constantly retraumatized and stuck in everyone else’s trauma in the codependency 12 steps I went to. I went for about 7 months. I was not taking their own trauma as if it were mine but every meeting was everyone repeating their stories over and over no matter how long they were in the group. I felt like it was a place to get stuck and felt much better after I left and searched for other avenues for my emotional support and growth. It felt like they were doing the steps for their *addicts* sake and not for their own growth. Those groups are really not for everyone and very much depends on the members in the group, the leadership, and the ability of its members to see outside themselves. Without those factors they can be incredibly damaging to cptsd.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Agreed, there are stronger groups than others. It is not unusual to have to try several different groups out to find a good fit -Cara@TeamFairy

[@roslyncerro1263]

I love your wise counsel. Go slowly everyone.

[@wanjiruolive]

could she share what she learnt from the program we dont have such in Kenya. i would love to know what she learnt.

[@chilloften]

CODA-there’s a coda channel here on KZbin. It’s out of Arizona I believe.

[@wanjiruolive]

@Kimberly A thank you for sharing

[@cotter9751]

Welcome topic, thank you. Each time I learn more and feel better prepared to stand by my boundaries.

[@victoria2226]

THESE words!!! Thank you xx

[@marketavalkova254]

Thank you for sharing Alma’s story, sounds so familiar to me. Son with a., marriage 20years, ex left with 30years younger …,experienced romance with 10 years younger I turned into vegetable modus, not able to risk another heartbreak, hidden home with headaches only

[@maria.1498]

I really like your voice ❤

[@jemmawhitehouse1043]

God this is a great subject!

[@yehmen29]

Dear Anna, as often it felt as if you had created this video for me. I was brought up by fundamental Catholics and told I would have to become a nun from the time I was 3. A big part of my limerence/codependence is that if a love interest (or a manager, who I am not at all in love with, but look on as on a surrogate parental figure) treats me badly, I react as if this was well deserved punishment (like when a parent punishes a child. I was physically and sexually abused throughout my childhood, and of course emotionnally abused: nothing I did was ever good, let alone good enough) and I must try harder... This had led to me being exploited at work. I've spent as much as 1 year working undeclared as an au pair (cleaner) for a family, in exchange for accommodation (in an attic room without electricity, central heating, or a shower. The small window didn't close so during the winter the temperature during the night occassionnlay went below 0 degrees Celsius) and leftovers of the food they hate, and working for 6 months for a guy, 5 months undeclared, paid about half the minimum salary for nearly 100 hours a week, and 1 month declared (also paid half hte minimum salary: according to my contract I only worked 20 hours a week). I am a little better now but I still let people (i.e. employers and landlords) take advantage of me. It is really difficult in the current jobmarket too.

[@danherrmann8755]

The opioid pandemic has hurt many many people. 22 year relationship gone because doctors induced this drug to the patient. She is gone. And doctors are not held responsible. So sad. Nothing I can do is tell my story. And let people know about it. Later.

[@ProudEve1]

Awww poor thing, she broke my heart.. 💔😘😘

[@tvathome562]

My female ex is with a boy who used to date my daughter, 47 f with a 27 m. We were longterm codepenent, with addiction issues until i git clean, she pursued me even when with the 'young man', but i think i maybe her security net, to catch her when he realises he needs someone his own age, shame really as although i broke it off, im still in love with her..... Think i need some therapy for health relationships

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Here's some help: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice -Cara@TeamFairy

[@hunivan7672]

I often wonder if I have limerence for my best (and only) friend.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@crystalglopez91623]

I’d advice for her to also keep her eyes open to watch out even for her children and hopefully they don’t take advantage of her the way others do. Adult children can do that , especially if they had that narc dad.

[@jeannedopale7841]

Bonjour et merci pour cet exposé juste et précis. Souvent, on.parle d erothomanie mais limerence et erothomanie sont pour moi ,2 choses distinctes. C est très agaçant que certains ne fassent pas la différence.l erothomanie c est l'orque l on est convaincu qu une personne a des sentiments pour soi, et cela mène au harcèlement. La limerence est lorsque qu une personne vous manifeste réellement un sentiment , un intérêt et que l on 'romantise' cette relation et que l on en devient dépendante jusqu à l obsession. Pourriez vous, s il vous plaît souligner la différence entre les deux.merci

[@kayjohns7936]

****The problem, Anna, is that you CANNOT trust people these days with any sharing, no matter how slow it is done or whether you have been with them 1 year or 10 years. Eventually, they will injure you and use it against you. One person told me at the end that "I was lucky to be alive" with all I have been through. It was said viciously and I don't think I will ever forget it. What a terrible person and others usually circle around to your injuries as well. And, frankly, it was something that I had no control over, but no one cares in the end. We are left totally vulnerable or as I say, I have been a soldier down on the battle fighting the fight for others that eventually led to the cptsd. I know there are exceptions, but very few; and, too chancy for many of us because we can no longer take additional injury. I welcome your comments as I try to see a new way. I am in my late 50's, unfortunately. I have no idea where the time has gone, while I was trying to rescue others who still didn't make it in the end. Peace to everyone!!! Thanks Anna for your content. For those that have been on this journey for decades, it is refreshing, to say the least, to have someone see us. We are exhausted in trying to get people just to understand and no one getting it.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

What I think you are saying is that YOU cannot trust anyone, based on experiences that have happened. Many people here, including myself. have healed the trauma and are developing better perception, better self-awareness, and better boundaries so that we don't choose untrustworthy people anymore, and can better navigate and avoid the ones who cross our paths.

[@kayjohns7936]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy, thank you for the response. Yes, 'I' cannot trust, but I don't think that is unique. Actually, I think it is quite common. With those with CPTSD, we do crapfit and do fall victim (so-to-speak) for various ongoing situations of life. I recently watched one of your videos on how the cycle continues no matter how hard one tries, including having strict boundaries and decades of counseling. I have also attended CoDA, served on the national level, and am currently attending weekly meetings again as I feel like counseling has failed me. Like you mentioned in one of your videos, if you tried it (counseling) for a good period of time and it is not working, it may be because it does not work for you. Going back to CoDA, when I attended it relentlessly (years), I found that my boundaries became so hard that nothing could get in. I looked at the people around me, in the meetings, and realized that their boundaries, that they established in CoDA, had worked them completely out of their relationships with spouses and partners. After much time there, I stepped away, with my heavy armour and finally took a chance of love interests (plural). However, I go back to my original point in my first comment in that each one of those love interests ALWAYS seemed to circle back around to my life experiences, leaving me feeling unsafe and not trusting. It makes one feel like that they will never be able to heal no matter how many thousands of hours and decades they have put in. In retrospect, I realize (in my experience) that counselors did me more harm than good and that ate up a lot of my life and potential progress. Instead, the constant ruminating of the events in those sessions circled back to more harm than good. Peace to you and everyone! I still remain hopeful, some way - some how.

[@malicizer4723]

Or one could aspire and do inner work to be a bit more like this other person you admire....

[@evancarmichaelteam]

💛💛 #Believe - Feb

[@vanshikathakur]

❤️