Limerence Is a Lie That Takes You Out of Your Real Life

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If you were emotionally neglected as a kid, you may be extra-prone to direct your romantic energy toward people who are not with you. It’s a glitch in the way we develop neurologically, and it can have terrible consequences or you and the people who love you. In this video I respond to a letter from a married father who has hurt his marriage in the past with a limerent "friendship" with a co-worker; now he's using psychological terms to dress up his new emotional affair as a healthy friendship with a woman; hear my advice for saving his marriage before it's too late.
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[@mollyaleena777]

I love your videos so much. I’m incredibly happy that I’ve found you!! You’re such an incredible teacher, and like a mother figure over the internet for me!

[@mariaalejandra2011]

Para mí también, sufro mucho con lo del inglés, porque no lo entiendo totalmente, pero es una bendición está mujer 🙏

[@kat_roses]

Man, most of the time I want to hug the letter writer but in this case I want to hug Carter's wife. If I were her I would leave.

[@pdelaprimm]

I am so thankful I’ve taken time off from “romance”, and will continue to do so for the near-term.

[@meeraa_111]

how to do?

[@pdelaprimm]

⁠@@meeraa_111: “How to do?” what, specifically?

[@deansongs]

@@meeraa_111 me too, hahaha, but I subscribed to your channel because you're so pretty :-). I have to think not doing something like that would be the first step, haha :).

[@ameliamorningstar]

Me too ❤️‍🩹 For now (but not forever) it's much more peaceful.

[@pdelaprimm]

@@ameliamorningstar: Yes, and needed in some cases. And yes, too, that’s it’s not forever. I am actually incredibly excited for “it”, but “healing” me comes before all else.

[@phabulouss1]

This was an honest “get real with yourself,” response to his letter.

[@lucidneptune]

Crappy childhood fairy I just get more and more impressed by you, the way you take on your letters. Like, in the finest detail. No nonsense, but always thoughtful. I relate so often to your letter writers and I learn so much from every video, I'm actually amazed. ❤️

[@housekeepah]

Yes. This is a very effective and unexpected form of ”therapy”, for the letter writer and for the audience. Thanks 🙏

[@ataxie]

As a mid-thirties man I’ve found out that in life it’s the most important thing to be radically honest to yourself! You do not cheat other people but only yourself in the deepest ways. So accept what is real and then sincerely work on improvement without judgements. Also, no one necessarily has to marry or make kids if you are not ready emotionally & mentally. You will only damage the newborn which is unfair. Consider this, maybe you are just here to learn from other people by these relationships. The key part is to keep your intentions good & be honest. Honesty begins within.

[@dubissokomisch]

I have the impression that this man subconsciously wants a divorce. He seems to be oblivious to the fact that his behaviour is egoistic, repulsive and deeply hurtful to everyone. I have been like this too (although with completely different issues) but mostly thanks to Anna, I am now learning to take responsibility for my life choices. So thank you Anna!

[@noahhh329]

I see your point generally, but to be fair, the letter writer’s behavior is absolutely harmful to him. He just hasn’t acknowledged it, bypassing the truth of things in all the ways Anna calls out here. But the fact that he’s even writing in, however much he misidentifies the problem, is pretty telling that he’s doing a number on himself.

[@kerrymillar1267]

He probably does want a divorce because he thinks the solution to his repulsive behaviour is with another person. Unfortunately for the new woman but luckily for his wife, he’ll be taking himself wherever he goes.

[@ixizn]

My takeaway from this video is that the letter writer is an addict who is trying to “bypass” his addiction and find ways to justify and convince himself it’s a good thing, actually. Which I fully understand and can relate to, I’m still in my addiction and although I’m mostly over the denial part, my brain will still try to tell myself why it’s okay to keep going. But we HAVE to get honest and real about what it is we’re doing and what is happening for anything to be able to change. I wonder if his therapist knows about both limerence and how addiction works (that it doesn’t have to be alcoholism or drugs etc). I really think he needs an outsider that can give tough love and support through this, and fully accept that there is no healthy way to engage with an addiction. If your addiction is limerence then you can’t turn that into just a friendship any more than an alcoholic can drink casually on the weekends or a carb addict can take one cookie sometimes as a treat. Wishing him all the best and may his eyes open even more to what needs to be done in life going forward so he can appreciate the beauty that is already there. ❤

[@christinelamb1167]

That's a really good analysis, I totally agree!

[@allisonflynn3614]

Do you have any resources on limerence and addiction? Is this rhetoric from S** addicts anonymous or from a book? I'm asking for myself and my own healing journey. Thank you!

[@ixizn]

@@allisonflynn3614 Hi! While I have experienced limerence at points in my life it’s not my “main” struggle so I might not be the best source on this, my comment comes from my own battle with other addictions and how I can relate to that so it’s mostly just my own opinion-but I know Anna has a bunch of other videos talking a lot about limerence though! If you haven’t seen those it might be a good place to start. :) Wishing you all the best!!

[@noremac0123456789]

I’ve been doing this ever since I was a child. My parents were both alcoholics. I am the youngest of three and the only girl. I never had anyone to talk to, guide me, check in on me. Looking back I turned to fantasy to cope/self soothe. I always knew it was different but never heard of anyone else ever doing it until someone shared about it during an alanon meeting. It just blew my mind! I still struggle with this at 53 and trying to date and or getting over relationships.

[@jimwheeler9840]

While my parents were not alcoholics, every other thing you describe was true of my childhood. And whole nowhere near what it was years ago, I still recognize hints of it now and then.

[@reikicowgirl9817]

I still remember my first limerent crush at age 6, and every one after that. My parents were not alcoholics, which is the confusing part for me about Anna’s videos, but they were absent a lot due to work commitments. These videos were so helpful to get me to stop the pattern cold and not return to it. However, I still have not been able to venture into dating territory… I never learned how to date, so it’s a source of extreme anxiety for me. As Anna has said, in the past I just sort of crashed into people randomly and fell in love. I suspect it’s too late for me, so I just do my best to enjoy my work and my solitude.

[@santafilipina9020]

The writer used a lot of smoke and mirrors words. Anna didn’t buy it. Thank you, Fairy!

[@sheezy2526]

Well she has her own biases about marriage and stuff being a brainwashed God believer.

[@FaintAura]

And you're not being harsh - you're being a realist. This guy is delusional and needs a reality check.

[@lilithowl]

Oh Fairy I was so relieved to hear your response to this one! While I was listening to the letter I was forcefully struck by the fact that here was someone bending over backwards not to take responsibility or accountability for his decisions or actions. Someone who was presenting himself as a passive bystander in his own life, a bit of flotsam or jetsam tossed about on the waters of fate (or of other people's cunning plans). And in my experience a person like this can never get anywhere until they admit to themselves that they do need to take responsibility and show accountability. That is a necessary first step. So glad you made this clear. I hope he hears the message.

[@MJ-wrty]

My personal rule is I don't have people in my life who don't take accountability for their behavior. I used to have my life filled with them. Made me crazy and all my childhood wounds were a perfect match for people like this guy. Very unhealthy to be around that noise.

[@MyDuckSaysFucc]

I was shocked when it got to the part of him becoming a father and how he treated his wife. Triggers my own issues, I find apathetic/useless fathers offensive. If you hate becoming a father, you should have thought about it in advance before creating a needy human to neglect

[@maxwellfabricio2381]

And maybe it goes even deeper, my dissociation used to work (hopefully until I saw this video) as if I was only the good person, running, ignoring the fact that the negative parts I have within myself are also me. This video totally shocked me, it was very eye-opening. I limerance for so long, very easily since forever, and isolated myself for some time because the experience of limerance can totally shatter your mind in thousands of pieces. Your life serves the function of thinking about that person. You start playing a game that you don´t have control until the moment you realize there´s something wrong with it. I loved the way Fairy went just straight to the point, being very efficient and assertive. Just like when you have a good aim to catch that fly. Precisely to the point. I´ve been realizing that I was not very conscious of myself, mostly disociating, always trying to become a better person. It always felt like a hard work. I´ve been realizing as well, that in the end it just seems like I´ve been in a horror movie where I run away from the monster, but they always find me at the end, until I run to another place, and the pattern forms. It was very important for me when she mentioned taking responsibility, as it helps me to become more aware of myself as whole, and not let myself be completely absorbed by that noise. I have to say that I didn´t finish the video yet, but as a person that suffered from dissociation since young age, due to experiencing a murder, I can say that I feel very happy I´m gaining some more life in me, and that I could watch this video and see that this really seems to be the way to go. Kind of like I´ve been tydying the house a lot, now it is time to live in it.

[@Maincourse19]

I loved this and it is so true. I recently went through such a bad limerence about a year and a half ago. This guy started at my job and I was instantly physically attracted to him. He was 100% my type from head to toe; voice, hair, face, body, everything. It was intoxicating. I had avoided love for so long that I thought "this might be the one, so let's try". Oh boy, I would have saved myself so much heartbreak had I known better, but I went through such a huge transformation because of it. To add to the story, the guy had a girlfriend and even entertained me and flirted back. Hell, we even went out on a date. I remember I had like 20 dreams in a month about him. It was the craziest time in my life. Emotions were amplified 50x and everything was chaotic. I was immature, young at heart, and broken from my family. I didn't understand why I had a pull and I eventually found zodiac/tarot and consulted psychics. Researched this new age spirituality stuff. I looked up twin flames, soul mates, etc. I legit thought he was my twin flame. After realizing it was CPTSD and limerence, I knew this was not my twin flame. I was obese and poorly took care of myself. I told myself I deserve better than an emotionally unavailable man whom I had no business going towards as he was in a relationship. He wasn't even gay! I had to be real with what I deserved and I had to go out and give it to myself. I started eating healthier, actually brushing my teeth/flossing/clean tongue 2x a day, shower every day + moisturize body, I journal my emotions now, I see a therapist every 2 weeks to regulate myself, I moved out of my parents house and live on my own. I broke off from my family and cut my toxic parents out of my life. I had to learn to be my own father and mother for myself. I lost 85 pounds to date and I'm actually on dating apps going on dates and talking with guys. It was so hard to direct my mind towards the future and build a better life for myself. I had to look at my attachments issues (god, the jealousy and extreme anxiety I would feel in limerence was crazy). 2023 was a hell of a year of transformation for me. I really put so much work into myself to change my trajectory in life. I was even able to be inspirational to those at my job for losing so much weight! I am facing new challenges now being where I am with dating + finding my life's passion but I am so thankful tarot came into my life. It taught me so much spiritual wisdom and gave me the knowledge I needed to take control of my life. I am so thankful for the intuitive readers that sat there listening to my story and helped guide me. While I am doing my best to detatch from psychics/readers/tarot and following my own path in life, I listen to fairy's videos and take heed. I'm working on being okay with not trying to know the future, but going towards my ideas/passions and trusting myself to pick up the pieces if it doesn't work out. I'm also so thankful to my therapist for listening to my emotions and helping me direct my thoughts to more positive ones. His voice stays in my head when I need it and gives me strength. I'm very thankful for that guy for coming into my life. Without him, I would have still been obese, living with my parents, struggling to deal with my broken soul, and having no passion for life. Maybe he was a soulmate meant to push me forward, who the heck knows. But I now look back with gratitude and I'm able to work with him now without feeling anxious or a pull like I had before (yes, he is still at my job but on a different shift thankfully so I see him once in a blue moon). Everyday I am a work in progress. It's like the movie ended at a theater documenting the last 31 years of my life and I get up and think "So where will this story go now? I have the power to change this." Thank you CCF for the video!

[@Babbal901]

such a incredible transformation ,beautiful 😇

[@almightybeanchild]

Wow! Go you. Moments like that are intense. You became better.

[@wmh1626]

Wow this sounds like my husband, who says thinking about having an affair isn't having an affair. Hard to argue with, right? However, emotional affairs can make your partner feel invisible and worthless. Why make a commitment to marriage if you're prone to wanting "something" outside of the marriage?

[@georgesonm1774]

Yeah, the problem is, I think, that at some point many people in marriages (especially men) might have a fleeting thought of romance with another woman - obviously I'm certainly not going to defend anyone who acts on such a fantasy or actively feeds it, but I don't think anyone is actually a master of their desires and/or thoughts (unless they're some buddhist monk or yogi), so it's fairly normal that lots of really irrelevant stuff just pops up. I think the real question is, whether one has the intention of getting rid of that thought somehow (I wouldn't personally know how to go about it, though, seems like a tricky thing to do). Just my 5 cents, might be wrong about the situation, though

[@georgesonm1774]

Yeah, the problem is, I think, that at some point many people in marriages (especially men) might have a fleeting thought of romance with another woman - obviously I'm certainly not going to defend anyone who acts on such a fantasy or actively feeds it, but I don't think anyone is actually a master of their desires and/or thoughts (unless they're some buddhist monk or yogi), so it's fairly normal that lots of really irrelevant stuff just pops up. I think the real question is, whether one has the intention of getting rid of that thought somehow (I wouldn't personally know how to go about it, though, seems like a tricky thing to do). Just my 5 cents, might be wrong about the situation, though

[@kerrymillar1267]

This sounds really similar to what happened to me. My partner who I have a small child with left me briefly for a “friend” he had known for 4 months and became limerant for. It was the most devastating experience of my life. I feel so sorry for his wife because it’s evident from the way he talks that he’ll blame everyone but himself. Scary that he’s having therapy too and no progress. I wish his wife and child peace and love. She probably won’t get either with him unfortunately. Thanks for telling him the truth Anna. He’s allowed himself so much close access to other females to fall in love with them. He’s completely 100% to blame, needs to devote himself to healing and his family or leave them alone.

[@coconutwater4531]

No accountability whatsoever. Hopefully he listens.

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

Before it's too late and he loses everything...

[@leonablack3516]

Whats the need for female friends . Strange.

[@ashlyguerrier]

He's screaming "covert narcissist " to me. It sounds like he was hoping to have Anna alleviate himself of the guilt he's feeling from being a disloyal husband.

[@assianeu197]

@@leonablack3516Validation and the fantasy of promiscuity. But also women usually offer deeper connection and listening skills, and can have a type of maternal love for their friends, that most people can appreciate, especially people with childhood trauma.

[@noahhh329]

@@assianeu197absolutely. He outsources responsibility for his emotions to women. If his father was an alcoholic and he’s been with his wife since the age of twenty, it’s probably all he knows how to do. But time has a way of showing people what they need to learn to do for themselves.

[@Gingersnaps1978]

I can’t help but think about this persons poor wife. Stuck at home with a baby, feeling that her husband is mad at her not giving him sex, and that he regrets having a child with her. And all he thinks about is himself, and then he blames another woman for giving him friendship! Honestly, he should just stay away from women. We have enough problems

[@ardee7898]

100% agree!

[@libbypaige6160]

100%. I was that woman.

[@MyDuckSaysFucc]

She’s better off without him! Sadly, maybe even the kid would be too! I’d hate to have any kind of relationship with a person like this.

[@KA-mq4wj]

I was this woman. What a lonely life. I had a newborn and my husband just abandoned me to have affairs. I was so scared and depressed.

[@Gingersnaps1978]

@@KA-mq4wj that sounds so awful. I hope you were able to move on to better things

[@TheMarihifenanna]

He blames the father, blames the wife, blames his child, blames every other woman for crossing his path... but himself. He sounds like someone who needs authorization from someone else so he can go and do exactly what he wants: cheat. He's one of those who struggle with being seen as the "bad person" in the story. That's exactly what my ex did when our son was a baby. He had all the excuses. I was to blame because he wasn't feeling validated enough. The audacity!

[@dameanvil]

00:00 🚧 Limerence, an obsessive infatuation with unattainable people, can stem from emotional neglect in childhood, affecting relationships significantly. 01:51 🚫 Emotional affair in a troubled moment reflected dissatisfaction with fatherhood, seeking validation outside the marriage. Blaming external factors avoids personal accountability. 05:07 🛑 Dissociation from personal responsibility hints at underlying issues. Deflection and avoidance of friendships hint at unresolved trauma impacting trust. 09:14 ⚠ Mutual responsibility emphasized in emotional affairs. Personal character and accountability are crucial in understanding transgressions. 12:54 🚷 Close connection with another woman while married isn't a 'normal friendship.' Limerence is often an escape from reality and poses a severe threat to the marriage. 16:08 🚨 Limerence isn't easily set aside for a platonic relationship. Addressing it requires drastic measures, including cutting off contact to safeguard the marriage. 19:18 📝 Daily practice of writing down thoughts can aid in detaching from harmful obsessions. Taking full responsibility and avoiding the limerent individual are critical for healing. 21:10 🤔 Confusion between friendship and romantic love suggests a denial of true feelings. Genuine friendship doesn't evoke jealousy or fear of losing the person to romance. 22:30 😕 Jealousy over a friend finding a romantic partner isn't characteristic of friendship. True friends celebrate each other's happiness and growth, even if it means a change in dynamics. 23:11 🤷‍♂ Expressing living without fear while attached to limerent feelings seems contradictory. Acknowledging and addressing the romantic attachment's impact on fear is crucial for clarity. 23:39 🛑 Harsh but necessary advice: Cease contact with the limerent person to salvage the marriage. Questioning the therapist's role in not addressing this concerning situation.

[@TheMijas07]

Thank you!

[@karenpowers2225]

I think you are so right on helping Carter! It feels like his issue deep down is still his lack of a good father-son relationship when he was a child. It seems like that is why he struggles with his own "being a father" concept. He needs a therapist to help him with this. And also I think he's replacing his father's example of alcohol addiction with his own limerence addiction. He doesn't need to be anything but polite and get out of situations where he is one on one with any and every woman that he feels an attraction with. Most women will respect a man for ditching them for his own family! You are right that he may need a different therapist. I sure hope he realizes how blessed he is with such a patient, loving wife! Getting busy doing other things with his family will probably help distract him from the problem and encourage him to build bonds with his wife and child. I wish him and his family the best.

[@BlaccLerock]

Miss Anna is spot on once again. Since following you I've made significant breakthroughs. Mainly, I still suffer from chronic limerence, BUT I'm now able to recognize it and move on without becoming an emotional wreck. It's so liberating.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

That sounds like great progress! Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@hurricaneMecalah]

I wish you were my therapist. I love mine, she's lovely, but I've asked her to use more tough love so I can actually get some true work done! What we've done so far in the last 8+ months has been successful in my eyes, but I need and want change now! Your words always give me that 'ah-HA' feeling. Something I usually only feel after 50 min into my 60 min therapy session!

[@gobears6487]

You can have my old therapist - LOL! I thought I wanted one that would do the "tough love" thing. It's not a bad idea, but in my case the tough love came in an area that damaged me more. And it really showed me I needed someone with empathy (the therapist was not empathetic in the area where they were tough on me). I learned a lot, but since I figured out the CPTSD piece I have learned a lot more here! Edit: p.s. Before I knew about limerence I was immersed in a relationship that I thought was just friendship but I thought about them constantly - I told a couple of friends who DID give me tough love where I needed it. So, if that helps - if you think you are doing something you shouldn't - maybe a trusted friend can help?

[@-melanie-1115]

Scary, this guy reminds me of someone who I think has NPD. Living in his own reality(s), which he changed for different people. Used his therapist confirmation of those realities. Accused the world of what he himself did wrong. It did not fit in his reality about himself. Felt entitled to everything, other 'friends' than his woman. Manipulated to fit others in his reality. And was as unhappy as could be, but would never accept this. Told me he had never wanted his children and refused to see them for a year. But lied to the world that his ex did not allow him - though I read her e-mails about this. Please, get another therapist. Although most people like the guy I knew, indeed, would not.

[@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470]

Exactly. I'm not sure how this was not addressed.

[@MyDuckSaysFucc]

I agree wholeheartedly. He seemed so heavily invested in his delusions, I feel the fairy was wasting her breath. Seemed like a personality disorder. I have little to no sympathy for people like this, I’ve seen what they do to everyone around them - they’re like a tornado of emotional and sometimes physical abuse that just leaves everyone in their wake much more damaged than before. So many abusive relationships are made of a narcissist and a codependent, one shoves all the blame onto the other and the codependent takes it. There’s no fixing a relationship like that. Anyone with a personality disorder needs years and years of therapy with a counselor that specializes in these disorders. Which are hard to find, because these people are so hard to work with.

[@larad9180]

It also seems likely that he’s not entirely honest with his therapist.

[@-melanie-1115]

@@larad9180 that's right. He told her completely different stories than what was (my) truth.

[@KA-mq4wj]

Yes, he sounds like my narcissistic ex husband who had multiple affairs including when my children were born. He just left me and escaped.

[@dennisartstudio1389]

I am 32 and just realising these behavioural patterns and psychological concepts. Thank you Childhood Fairy. My dad always branded his lack of emotional attachment and boundary pushing as stoicism. I tick many of the C-PTSD boxes and realised that I need to heal a lot more than I initially thought. After limerant attachments in my previous job with a female co-worker I have changed field and developed more qulity bonds in a new job. Your videos have been healing. Thank you so much

[@aubreysnyder338]

Accountability is necessary to heal and grow. If we can't accept where we're at fully we can't grow at all.

[@paige8310]

I love how straightforward you are. I'm enjoying this alot ❤

[@rachelmel]

I feel like people with unemotional/emotionally distant or shut off parent(s) can become like this as well. Especially ones who were never taught to process or express emotions and aren't in touch with themselves.

[@y.peffle2802]

Men need male friends , not close friendships with other women! I feel bad for his wife and child.

[@kerrymillar1267]

Me too, I want to give his wife a hug, what he’s doing to her is awful.

[@buddyneher9359]

Bravo. I hope Carter ditches his therapist, too, and finds one who can help him be more honest with himself.

[@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470]

He doesn't want help, he wants validation that what he's doing is fine.

[@tourmaline07]

What a mess. He needs to own up to being unhappy in his marriage and have a dialog with his wife about the stugggles hes having with , rather than going outside of that tbh. Say that as someone who has struggled with limerance from time to time. Theres a good chance he'll end up losing his wife , and not getting the swimming instructor either tbh unless something changes

[@christinelamb1167]

Yeah, he's not being honest with himself at all, and trying to use psycho-babble to justify his dangerous behavior. I've certainly done this in the past myself!

[@debbie2027]

I hope he can hear and digest what you are saying because it seems he is pretty good at coming up with narratives for his psychologicl states and getting emotional support from his social networks .... Your dissection was alarmingly accurate but ....this person sounds more invested in being a victim of circumstances that just go awry, than owning responsibility for being a person who has choices and makes choices based on feelings/perceptual distortions

[@HollyNSwick]

He's blaming the woman at work, but he was just as much at fault.

[@christinelamb1167]

I just about fell out of my chair when he said "she took advantage of me". What?!

[@HollyNSwick]

me too!@@christinelamb1167

[@CabVideoz]

@@christinelamb1167 why

[@kerrymillar1267]

“She took advantage of me” my mouth fell open and couldn’t take anything else he said seriously after that.

[@venessatalbert9232]

First and foremost , I love the way you circle comments snd parts of the letters that you want to come back to. Thought I was the only one that did that. Second, I really am impressed with you and your channel. The first video I watched of yours, I was hooked. Ladt, but certainly not least, thank you for the hard work and dedication that give and share with individuals like me that are looking for answers and solutions. You're a blessing to us all and your God given gifts, compassion, empathy, and support speaks volumes. Sweets to the sweet🎉❤

[@jennifersmetanko6631]

I feel for people who go through limerence❤. Me and every person in my past I had a love Obsession for.

[@andreaboyden978]

He sounds pretty selfish partner and he just victimizes himself instead of just taking accountability for the part he played in. I feel bad for his wife because it sounds like he doesn’t even wanna be in the relationship. And clearly doesn’t wanna be a father and is like blaming other people for those things too like what 😭

[@suddhadasi]

I find it interesting that Carter seems to be attracted to women who can give him something whether it's a better image of himself or teaching him to do something he could not. His wife seems not to provide this kind of resource. For me, it's an indication of a certain emptiness he has inside and he knows that his wife cannot fill that void. This is where attraction to inavailable people kicks in. It's good to know he works on himself but I think I understand why he was put off by having a kid as he knew he would be obliged to provide for another person something he himself lacks.

[@chocobere]

Well his wife did give him a child, but that is something he doesn't seem to value nor want. Because as you say, it demands something of him, which he's not ready to be giving : the love and care of a father. Probably because Carter himself doesn't know what that looks like.

[@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470]

​@@chocobereOr...having a child keeps his wife struggling and connected. He sounds very much like a narcissist.

[@almightybeanchild]

^ many men live in delusion and don't want to be accountable

[@mining4goldmeister420]

Truthfully, this man needs to avoid "friendships" with women altogether. He talks about deep relationships - he needs to find that with his wife. His pattern in relating to women isn't healthy and he doesn't see it.

[@deansongs]

Wow, I'm only a fourth through this video and I am so impressed with the job you did on this one.

[@deansongs]

I'm not there yet, but it sounded to me like he's having an emotional affair now, and like you I would like to know what the difference was with the person from his past.

[@deansongs]

But yeah, I so hope that he doesn't even tell his wife that he hated becoming a father. Scared, running from it, unprepared, can't do it... any of those things would be better. Also, I'm with you he really needs to talk to a therapist about it because that is just darn scary but maybe he overstated it?

[@deansongs]

I think if you think about this, you won't think it's crazy, but your thoughts aren't you, how you treat your thoughts is you. Not disagreeing with anything you said about his dissociation with why he is keeping himself so close to the flame, and crossing boundaries. Like all of us, he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. But I think he would be safer to say that those thoughts are not himself. And yes, our shadow is perhaps the most important part of our self to take care of, but I'm not saying any given thoughts are just an aspect of us or our shadow. Like you said, complicated :-).

[@eleanor4759]

You're really brilliant, Anna. You stand your ground and still display great empathy and kindness.

[@bekind7288]

Wow, that was so compassionate. The truth can only set us free if we acknowledge it. In the end we really can't hide from ourselves. It's like calling the elephant in the room our spirit guide, leading us to enlightenment. That cult logic is destructive. Hope he breaks himself out of that trance.

[@audgepodge77]

I'm glad you called this guy out on his stuff. He apparently was clueless in that letter that he has responsibilities as well. I bet that first situation he was talking about was just as much his doing but he blamed the woman I'm just really glad you told this guy what you told him ... Because it's obvious his other therapist hasn't done so. Thank you, I love your videos

[@ardee7898]

The way you addressed every excuse that was detached from reality! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

[@mintyhippo8125]

If you are limerant to escape your marriage, you need to work things out with yourself and your wife. Anna’s daily practice is really good for getting the anxious, mean, hateful, cloudy thoughts out of the way to get to your true feelings. “Having friendships outside of my marriage is really important for my mental health.” … while true, you should have friendships outside of your marriage, it seems like you are just avoiding the problems of your marriage by finding female friends to replace a connection with your wife. And it’s making your mental health “better” because you can avoid your emotional problems with your marriage easier with a friend to distract you. I feel that way because you said you were limerant - so your brain is longing to escape. And taking swimming lessons when you have a new born..?? Bro, if that’s not avoiding being home, idk what is. You gotta sort this out because you’re gonna hurt everyone involved. You have to stop avoiding the hard feelings and your wife. Luckily this community is here to help and support you.

[@xLiLlyx98]

I agree with you on everything except the swimming (in general). I think for most people it would be a good thing because then you can take the kid swimming as in "bonding activities with dad" - but yeah, in this case it could be more avoidance 😅

[@mintyhippo8125]

@@xLiLlyx98 Yeah… if he took the baby swimming it could be a little different, but he said that he is learning to swim, and didn’t mention the baby. Adult swim classes normally aren’t taught at the same time as the baby swim lessons, too.

[@yzzy1966]

There is nothing wrong having a hobby next to a baby, especially if the hobby is connecting to art and sports.

[@mintyhippo8125]

@@yzzy1966 I mean, hobbies are great. But not when you are falling in love with your instructor when you have a new baby. I brought up the swimming because he could not swim his whole life, and just now was like, “yeah, I should take swimming lessons!” Of course, I don’t know him. Just the timing feels specific.

[@kerrymillar1267]

@@mintyhippo8125I agree this guy just sounds avoidant and selfish to the core

[@danielea4851]

A weird thing for me is that desperation makes me feel as if limerance was kinda the only way to have a connection of some sort, so there is a part of me that takes you saying and speaking about how it is damaging, as an attack or threat, as if you are taking away the only hope, as if I didn't believe real lovw was possible

[@Ubraxos]

Yeah.. interesting how he says his friend crossed the boundary… and didn’t bring up the fact that he crossed an even bigger one by cheating on his pregnant wife? Lol… his therapist needs to wake him up!!

[@ir9567]

Well I think he mentioned that he did. Don't project.

[@mintyhippo8125]

@@ir9567it was odd because he said he had a romantic affair (which is taking responsibility), but then blamed the friend for tricking him into it (undoing taking responsibility). “She was supportive in my time of need” was somehow tricking him…? Idk. I know you can’t fit every detail into a letter, but he went back on himself.

[@deansongs]

@@ir9567 Wow. If I were someone that did what you are doing, I would say that you are the one projecting. Not everything is projection.

[@christinelamb1167]

@@ir9567 Actually, he didn't. He said his friend crossed a boundary, didn't even mention that what HE did was wrong.

[@Ubraxos]

@@ir9567do you even know what projection means? 😭 I’m a 19 year old single gay man… in what way does this story correlate with me!!!

[@LunazulBaraka]

I'm so glad you called him out!!

[@TheOraclesPearls]

Looking for excuses to have another affair … seek professional counselling for yourself and your marriage, or get a divorce… just stop looking for justification.

[@illmakeuhowell]

love your videos on limerence. currently going through it. thank you for the pdf.

[@guydw1251]

Yep, a definite word salad going on here. Interesting that some of these stories revolve around people providing a paid service, who as part of their job, are approachable and friendly.

[@Captain_MonsterFart]

I think a lot of men fall for that very thing!

[@joannarose8138]

Staying in reality instead of my emotions 🙏☮️💜

[@catherineedge5446]

Another fabulous video, Anna ❤ I love how you call things as they really are with love and kindness. So grateful for all that I learn through you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for your kind words! I'm sure Anna will want to read this :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@MichelleMendezYouell]

Wow. I’m so impressed with how you answered this. I really appreciate your response as it was simmering and felt in my body similarly to how your voice and words and tone is expressed. I’m almost in awe. Thank you it’s a blessing to observe your conviction and authentic expression of your truth, and almost everything you spoke felt resonant. I fear being too reactive and more clearly in judgment of Carter, however I find myself using this type of speak at my peak level of reactivity where as it’s been much different in the deepest wounded meatsuit.

[@aztradescrypto]

LOVE how blunt and honest you are! i am a big fan!!

[@georgybest5135]

Thank you for your channel, Anna. Ive been dealing with CPTSD for as long as I can remember and no one was really able to get it. I was infatuated for 15 years on someone "impossible", only to find out I linger for impossible things. Covid has brought me to your channel and hopefully one day the odds are on my favor and you might pick my letter that goes thru a healing journey: spiritual, physical and financial. Thanks again for showing that RESPECT is the most powerful tool one have. If not the only. William

[@bcurtis4198]

When Carter said “I don’t know who I trust less myself or other people” I felt that. One day I won’t feel that way

[@rutherfordBHAZED]

You are amazing! I found this channel by chance, and I'm so glad I did.

[@GretchenNGould]

I'm so glad I came across this video. I've been experiencing limerence. I'm getting more of an education watching your videos. I'm learning more about myself and issues that are unresolved. And I like your attitude of tough love. You do it in such a loving tone, but pull no punches. I like the fact that you call it as you see it.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@Jess-kn8vl]

I think that some people that get married too young, dont resolve any previous traumas and it eventually resurfaces. Seeking council before marriage is a must. Marriage is a privilege.

[@vishakhawalia3388]

I love u for this genuine response Anna, 'sweetly' harsh yet honest. I can actually relate to this. I have been thru limerence(sooo many times), and it was once that I had put everything at stake But I am blessed with ppl like u who would just not give their approval, no matter what I said or did, and that's what saved me...!❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing this, I'm sure Anna will appreciate it :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@char-su9vu]

A very insightful response. Thank you so very much for these videos 💛.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad it was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@JuanMoreno-wo5yb]

I need a CCA meeting!! A Crappy Childhood Anonymous meeting. 😂 Sometimes I would like to just rant! Not now cus it’s too much to type. ❤

[@rebeccaleatherman4955]

Thanks for telling this guy the truth!

[@healingv1sion]

This is so off topic but i just want to thank this channel. I recently got back in contact with my alcoholic father and the lessons here helped me greatly in my interactions with him this time around. It just helped relieve my cptsd symptoms, i was regulated and was able to have a good 3 or 4 weeks with my father before he passed away last night. You are doing great work here and i hope everyone that needs to hear your message, hears it. Thank you for all you do!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this with us, I'm so glad that the channel was able to help you through all of that. I'll make sure Anna reads this :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@kathyingram3061]

~♡~That is wonderful you had that opportunity to have a good connection & time spent with him!~♡~Im so sorry you have lost him, tho, that is hard, either way~♡~

[@olivebroderick8251]

I am really interested to hear you describe limerance as an addiction - this is how I have experienced it. I agree the therapist is not very helpful but I am also wondering how well understood 'interpersonal' addiction is generally. I have learned by doing and it is only by committing to detaching from limerant attachments that I can see the roots in my case as being more complex than I had thought. I can't compare it to other addictions But the more I see the roots if it, the more committed I am to breaking the cycle, for both myself and those in my life going forward. I don't know if that makes any sense. But in Carter's case I am in total agreement with you, give 💯 to his marriage and let any other bonds be in support of that. It may not actually deliver marital bliss but it is acting with integrity towards the life commitments he has, himself, made. Thanks - I found your response to his letter very useful.

[@georgesonm1774]

Impressive!! Loved that.

[@michellegirau8136]

I feel like maybe he feels trapped after the baby and now wants people on the side. It really sounds like he is blaming other people and wants validation on his actions.

[@joymattson8549]

I feel like maybe he shouldn't be married.

[@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470]

Exactly, Michelle.

[@therealmykag]

I think this guy also needs that Nice Guy book that Crappy Childhood Fairy always recommends because it sounds like he thinks highly of himself but isn’t aware of his hurtful actions

[@lumpyspacecadet]

Anna is the perfect person to tackle this one because she grew up with alcoholic parents. She knows how that affects people as they are raised by them. This guy is a big gaslighter of himself, but he probably learned all of this from his dad. Still, he has to get real with himself. If he falls for other women, it truly is his own fault for doing that. Their behavior, though it can be manipulative, does not disown him from how he reacts or feels as a result. How does he even know what the women think and feel about him? They probably don't even feel romantically towards him at all and he's just imagining it.

[@VanessaBoult]

I think this man hating being a father, was realizing that he has to be responsible and not confident enough to live up to what really takes to be a great dad 🤷‍♀️

[@redwoods7370]

I succumbed to limerence with a completely unavailable person who only liked me as a friend and it became a nightmare (that I created for myself). When I finally got free it still took a year to recover. My point is that you can get free from the torture of limerence and you can recover and get your life back. You will love your life without limerence. I promise.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad you were able to move past that! Thank you for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@NolaCaffey]

If a parent realizes they don't want to be a parent, even after the child is born, THAT is the issue. I speak from having been on all sides of Carter's story, except that I loved becoming a mother. If there is such a taboo on that feeling, it will be covered up and continue to damage the child. Like you, Anna, I hated hearing such bad news, but the advice to hide it, especially from his son, may result in all the other issues (CPTS, dissociation, limerence, avoidant attachment, etc.) diverting attention from a father who doesn't want to be a father. His child should be protected from him, his very presence, until he wants to be a father. We underestimate the effect an unwilling parent has on their children, especially if they are good at the pretence! Children, babies, experience the truth of their parents, and if there is such a dissociation with deceit, dissonance will screw up his son's attachment style in development. I know this from witnessing and experience (a parasitic "great" father destroys his own son). Especially with such taboo feelings, you can do much more with a hard truth than an easy lie!

[@dubissokomisch]

yeah, maybe it is better he stays away from his child if he feels that way. if he has the money , he can support the child financially.

[@dervlam4698]

“Me me me me me”. Lol

[@FireSilver25]

He’s a cheater who needs to own up to that with his wife. She deserves better.

[@christinelamb1167]

She really does, and I feel so badly for her, and for their child.

[@Captain_MonsterFart]

Oh no, there's no need to blow things up if he can get control of his thoughts and behavior.

[@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470]

​@@Captain_MonsterFartYeah, because something as life changing as having a child made such a difference?!? He resents the wife and child. You really think that is going to get better?

[@ericav3284]

I just hope that his child is okay, because damn.

[@gracepoint3]

Very excellent. Thank you Fairy 🧚‍♀️ ❤

[@dreamdust38]

I love how you lay this on the line. People will lie to themselves.

[@xLiLlyx98]

Did he even confess to his wife about the first affair? It wasn't said, right, so I was wondering about that. But either way, the second you realise you're having an emotional affair, maybe you should consider whether it's a good idea to have friends of the opposite sex if the lines blur. Sort of like "revoke your own privileges if you can't be trusted to handle these types of connections correctly" 😅

[@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470]

Also....it is not just children of alcoholics who experience severely adverse childhoods. Alcoholism is a symptom of underlying pathology. It is used as the excuse far too often to grant leeway and " understanding " as well as sympathy for the disordered person...instead of the victims of such behavior!

[@susanmolyneux2193]

Excellent video!

[@noahhh329]

Kudos to Anna for being such a straight shooter. Much of this letter was difficult to listen to, because I recognized so much of myself and other people I’ve known in it. Too often is the bar for true accountability lowered for men in our society, and the result is the kind of scrambled paradigm Carter wrote in about. Best of luck to him.

[@multilingualmind778]

Extremely immature, self-centred person!! I don´t think that limerence is the core of the problem. the problem is that he has never had and currently is unable to have healthy relationships of any kind, he doesn´t know how to exist in everyday life situations where there are people involved, he doesn´t know how to exist in a work relationship, what is a student-teacher relationship, how to be a colleague, friend, husband, father.. an extreme case of emotional unavailibility.. for him, everyday life situations turn into some strange mess, as if they weren´t nothing more than a threat to be forced to bond emotionally. this person overthinks things and is extremly self-absorbed, lazy and simply not doing his part as employee, friend, husband, father, swimming class student...if he did, he woudn´t have so much time to fantasize about how random women present an emotional threat to him. stop trying to fill yourself up with some imagined non-existing emotional bonds, focus on your life OR a get a new life if you don´t want to be involved in your current life, you are abandoning your own life for sheer fantasies..and btw take the perspective of the other people- what you, as a married man with a child, have to offer any other woman that is not your own wife?

[@inseparablesmusicvideoscha4256]

WOW !!! that was very enlightening ... thank you

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you enjoyed it! Nika@TeamFairy

[@inseparablesmusicvideoscha4256]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy it was informative ... hearing the stories of limerence told by those in limerence and interpreted by Anna, fascinating. I don't ever recall being in limerence, but looking back and now knowing what limerence is, a lot of times an LO.

[@los-one]

Preach it, Sister 🔥

[@lw6138]

It dominated much of my life. I couldn't see what love really was.

[@PhetteHollins]

Yeesss. Loved your advice in this one. You know how when you’re watching a movie & you’re yelling or talking at the screen? That’s what I was doing as you were calling “Carter” on his BS! Yeah, he was spewing lots of fancy words & jargon, talking a good game, but it was just that -GAME!

[@Unspun417]

Anna I wish I had received tough love when I found myself in relationships that ended up blowing up my life. All the while was receiving counseling (encouragement) that fed fuel to the fire, self-justification and false hopes. Seriously some therapists mean well but are wolves dressed as sheep.

[@jessica0321]

This woman is amazing.

[@Mamma-Tex]

Love ur new logo. So cute with the wand 🪄

[@libbypaige6160]

Carter seems to be very sensitive.. to his own experience. Great that he's asking for your input. He's in good hands.

[@user-deesegma]

I love love LOVE that Anna is always so HONEST and has integrity. That’s why I respect @crappychildhoodfairy ❤

[@zsauffi]

Very actual present issue with me... Thank you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@Graham-zh4cp]

I'm limerence I don't see any health professional I listen to you and it's now starting to fade gradually thankyou you

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You're so welcome! Nika@TeamFairy

[@aleyahmalone5012]

18:20 when you hurt other people, you deflect it into other people. I should write this down. I know someone who has therapy BUT DOESN'T GET REAL ADVICE BUT!!!!!!!!!!! I realized that therapists can only take in what the person talks about and opens up about. Know someone else who acts like their marriage is getting better but he treated them like dirt. And she does everything and shes sweet and precious

[@AcPh-nc3vz]

Good advice! I lost my marriage because of my propensity to fall into limerence. I never acted on my crushes, but the fantasies were bad enough.

[@kristo3003]

Agree....but what if you been invisible all your life and never find someone to love that loves you back ( not Everyone findn true love) is it wrong to admire someone from a distance....if only to keep the feeling of love inside you alive so you dont get cold and bitter.( accepts the situastion)Know it seems tragic but hope it's understandable.

[@tonisiret5557]

We all need this sort of talking to, at least a few times in our lives 😂 Choices to make, actions to take! It's not easy..

[@louisaa144]

I thought that I had a memory problem but it turns out that my brain wasn’t making memories during the day because I was literally thinking and fantasizing about him instead of paying attention to reality

[@chelseystigall2190]

I have this and it suxks so bad 😢 sometimes even if the person your in love with isn’t a good person it’s like you ignore it and make up in ur head the person you want them to be. I liked a man older than me at my job and he didn’t like me back and was married. For years I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I def think my childhood trauma caused me to be this way.

[@88happiness]

I've recently been through 8 years of limerence although I didn't know about limerence until afterwards. It was a devastating experience that has left my life shattered. It was like I imagine heroine to be. It wrecked my confidence in being lovable. It wrecked my trust in my own feelings. It was soooo soooo painful. The best thing I've done is cut them out of my life. I'm still broken but life is improving.

[@nicoleloeffler9867]

I struggle severely with the idea of “soul-mates” and that I can’t be happy until I find “the one”. I don’t know how to get out of this mindset ):