Your False Self Keeps You From Finding People Who Love the REAL YOU.

[@leontinen9689]

Everyone woman on earth should hear this message regardless of whether they had a crappy childhood or not. 👍

[@behroozshahdaftar4209]

Not just women, but all people, and of all sexual orientations.

[@HopeWins777]

We have to post this and email this to people we know especially the young ones. 32 of those is not near enough people singing this crucial advice. As I'm writing a comment On a related subject I'm listening to her say the same things I'm typing. As slow as you think you can go, go even slower. The right person will be happy to be with you and have you around. Time reveals MOTIVES as well. It is your FRIEND.

[@johnnymia1563]

@@HopeWins777yes

[@jbpoeticjustice]

Um, women aren't the only ones who do this. My last few relationships I even say "let's just be ourselves..." And they still fake it, on their best behavior, etc. After a few months in, they can't keep it up. When I am honest with them and what I deal with, they seem to underestimate what it takes and change their minds. UGH. 😢

[@claudias.9043]

I agree with you!

[@JohnDoe-vy5hh]

My marriage was "I'll pretend to be the person you want if you pretend to be the person I want."

[@buddyneher9359]

"Anybody can look like Mr. Right for a few months" - another wall plaque gem!

[@aneia6353]

No one, has ever really loved me for me. When I’m my Authentic self, I love who I am, but others see “weird”. When I get triggered I turn back into my people pleasing morphing personality. I hate that I’ve worked so hard with my boundaries for them to falter so quickly. Thanks 🙏

[@winterqueenkel]

Nobody loves me either. But I'll take no love all day beside narcissist parents. I've been sitting alone in the quiet for 25 years after 20 years of abuse.

[@Zelphraeya]

I was the same, but I'll take "weird" over feeling empty. No matter what I do, people still think I am weird. The bottom line is that you have to be happy with you. What other people think doesn't matter. I know it's hard to form close bonds, but it's better to find the few who like you for who you are verses the many who like you for what you can do for them. (The people who enjoy the people pleasing like what you can offer, not you.) I still enjoy helping people, but I am much happier now staying to myself and focusing on my own life. It took a long time for me to learn not to let what others say get to me, but I've learned that whatever it is, it's their problem to solve and not mine. I always tried to solve people's problems for them when I was younger, adjusting myself to their needs, and so on. It just leaves you being a shell of your former self and it's not worth it. People need to learn how to solve their own problems and we need to focus on ours. Being kind is always good, just don't keep putting in effort and sticking around those who you notice are two faced towards you. The people who are genuine will cross your path.

[@Lyrielonwind]

I think that people look as being weird to anyone who is not conventional in the sense that they are being authentic and living out of the box or their supposed "persona" (in Jung's terms). People supposed to much just in a few words conversation and sometimes even a glance. If someone could ask your neighbors, they will say they know you well when you have exchanged just a few words over the years. We all think we are smarter than we are.

[@tc4062]

Idk..sometimes when I'm just being my weird self is the only time I'll attract people...the harder I try, the less results I get..but at the same time, I get what you're saying

[@noanoa332]

I feel like that too. Know that you're not weird, you're rare, unique. Why would you want to settle for ordinary people? I know it's difficult, but try to remember, those aligned with you, are not the ordinary kind. You'll find them. Keep healing, keep becoming your truth and they'll show up at the right moment. Much love ❤

[@racmorr007]

I'm 41...2 yrs ago I gave up and got a dog. Now I don't date and it gives me a measure of peace knowing that being single is MY choice.

[@juliaskagfjord6207]

I am in a similar boat. I got tired of the ghostings from online dating. Since age 39, Ive been on only 2 online dates. I deleted apps, and would reload them but delete them within a weeks time. To the point where moreover I don't join those sites at all. Its lonely but I got totally tired out of online dating where to an extent you are in competition with the persons matches. I do not tend to meet men outside of online dating. Its mostly work and then home as my lifestyle. I've become set in my ways now and I am 44 with a dog who is also the love of my life.

[@tablescissors]

Commercial companies are thrilled by this huge pattern in society, currently, a lot of animals are treated better than humans and by humanizing animals we keep devaluing what they bring into relationships as animals - they deserve that respect (as do humans, wether adults or children, they bring different and other important aspects to relationships).

[@sarahmuschel4812]

Relationships are completely overrated. And not saying that cuz I’m bitter or cynical, it’s just the reality that it’s a lot of work with little gain, even in healthy situations. I’d rather invest in having good quality friendships and deeply fulfilling pursuits and interests.

[@Window4503]

My favorite thing to say is “if he’s living in your head rent free, then start charging rent.” That is, don’t let someone take up your mental and emotional bandwidth if you’re not seeing real connection and investment from them.

[@LouiseO78]

❤

[@jessheyman4017]

My authentic self is realizing I’m a weird and awkward person! But that’s ok! I accept it 😊 I’m navigating sobriety and I literally give people a disclaimer, “I’m navigating sobriety so I’m uncomfortable and weird in my own skin! But I’ll get there!” I like weird. Be more weird people. The world needs your authenticity!!!

[@rebelforacause2589]

Ditto and Godspeed!

[@jonathanmills5747]

I have two points. I have blown so many chances in my past because of neediness due to CPTSD and the insecurity of worrying about repeating my past behaviour. And.... A quote from Bob Marley... "A coward is a man who awakes the love in a Woman with no intention of loving her".

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I never heard that Marley quote. Wow. YES. I might use a different word than coward, though. Vampire?

[@myfirstnamemylastname2994]

​​​@@CrappyChildhoodFairyAs someone who has been on the other end of this situation I think what you have been saying is that if they awaken what feels to a wounded person Like Love in a matter of weeks, that love object really doesn't have a chance to get to know you in the normal amount of time. They --we--need the space to breathe, and time to think and to learn Who You Are. It's not fair to accuse them of making you love them when they're just getting to know you and taking what you say you have to offer and say you want. Sometimes even if it's sex just tolerating it because they're not ready for that yet. If they still have wounds they may accommodate you but if they don't feel ready yet they may feel resentment even if they try not to feel that way because they know that they had the choice not to give in. If they feel overwhelmed because your expectations are so high, then You're Expecting Real Love Too Soon... if your wounded child pattern is like the one described. I've dated people that were sure they were in Love by the second week and they actually guilt-tripped me for being what they thought was so attractive but "emotionally unavailable" as though something was wrong with me for not loving them back at the speed of light. Although Romance is tough for me I'm actually a very open and giving person in many ways and I have to work to set boundaries so people don't disrespect me or take advantage. But emotional unavailability is a whole other problem than just being pushed too hard too fast. And meanwhile I would see red flags that made me very nervous but didn't have anything to do necessarily with going too fast or suffocating me. Just ordinary red flags like mistreating a waiter I would be waiting to see if they would recur because it was a pattern or wouldn't happen again because it was just a situation. But they would be moving so fast and being on their best fake behavior that I would have no way of finding out. That gave me an urgency to see all those situations as soon as possible so I didn't miss them because things were moving at the speed of light . And with that and the demands and the claustrophobia I felt outright panic. And all the guilt that they were telling me, directly or indirectly, I should feel if I didn't reciprocate their feelings. They would push me into having sex sooner than I was ready and then start doing things like squeezing my knee when we were driving or throwing an arm around me in public... very possessive moves simply because we had been to bed together a time or two and were spending additional time together. That proprietary "I claim you" sort of thing is just unbearable for me. Maybe if we had been committed for a while and expressed that kind of affection at home and both of us were feeling it then maybe some mild displays of affection in public would be comfortable to me. But not that soon. And I might not be looking to date several people at once, but the idea that someone is going to demonstrate their claim on me so that I'm taken off the market among our Social Circle, that too feels controlling. One of the things that can drive me nuts is being forced to act out a scene that they've seen in a movie. For example Maybe I'm cooking for them and doing a good job and I'm at a point where I have to stir a sauce constantly to make sure it doesn't make lumps or something like that ...or I'm elbow deep in dishes or something where I'd be standing with my back to them doing stuff and talking with them. Instead of helping me or just keeping me company they would decide it was a romantic moment and they would pull me away from what I was doing and turn me around and stare deep into my eyes and put their arms around my waist, swooping in for to a deep kiss (or playfully dance although usually they weren't that light-hearted). In multiple things like that they basically announce that we are in a relationship and therefore we're both so besotted with each other that even if your sauce is going to be ruined or your hands have suds to the elbows, my turning you around at that moment won't seem intrusive, it must be equally romantic for both of us. One of them told me that she had day dreams that she would know we loved each other when we laid on top of each other and stared deeply into each other's eyes and cried. I definitely have heard of people crying when they have their first orgasm with someone and I know a lot of the reasons because I've experienced that myself. But for someone to announce that they're expecting that of me and planning for me to spend time laying on top of them or vice versa and staring deeply into their eyes and weeping is clearly a scenario they have that has nothing to do with me. Get creeped me out in a way that felt like that she had come into the bathroom when I was taking care of more than just peeing. Although I like privacy for all those activities. They're hoping to plug me in to their fantasies and that is so disrespectful and controlling. Sometimes people don't realize that what they think is devotion passionate love and wild hopes Is Just clearly a fantasy. It is not about the person they think they're in love with. As the crappy childhood fairy says, they're just plugging in someone who seems like a hopeful candidate. And the hopeful candidates can feel that. If they also have wounds that make them hesitate even if they've done a lot of work, then they may get hooked in to ambivalence and try to please you or try to be that mysterious hard to catch sexy whatever person that you fantasize. If they were healthier they would say I'm not feeling this it's moving too fast and I don't know what it would have been but I don't think I can do this. But they may try to go along and that can feel like leading you on only to abandon you. Even if they feel like they barely escaped with their mind and body and heart intact.

[@Lyrielonwind]

Funny that Bob Marley said that because his wife was so depressed due to him being unfaithful to her. It's right what the comment above this says, too many videos teaching how to hurt women that seems to make men feel like they are "alpha". I have watched videos about men feeling "lonely" because many women are not into getting played with over and over again. I have even watched videos that the new game for these kind of men is using "healing terms" like "they have been working in their selves and healing their trauma" and bla, bla, bla. It seems like some men are playing new ways to keep playing the same abusive game.

[@jonathanmills5747]

@@Lyrielonwind I gave up dating and have been celibate since 2002. I cannot either go through or put somebody through my damage. I can't say I wouldn't like a relationship, but I am now too scared to even try. I also have a Limerance issue I can't shake off over one relationship very nearly 30 years ago.

[@jonathanmills5747]

@1984X I have a natural guard to avoid womanising even if I was that way inclined. It is because I am a deep thinker so all I have to do is open my mouth. When I do women see more red flags than if they were attending a communist rally in China. I am good with it because it somewhat helps me from starting another episode

[@heatherc760]

As soon as you let your guard down and express your childhood traumas to a potential partner - they leave. Or They’ll throw it in your face “ That’s why you don’t like sex!!” They’ll say you’re “f-ked up” your family is “weird”, etc etc etc. or you date for three years and tell them what happened to you and then they CHEAT on you 😡 So there we are. Can’t be authentic with anyone then. People are cruel and honestly I’m done trying to find a partner with who I can be myself, truly. I’ll keep my true self locked up inside. I can’t mentally afford any more of that.

[@MaddmonkeyNL]

There are good people out there. I was like you for a while, but discovered that embracing the pain of being abandoned helped me in trying to be less oversharey and still try to be my autenthic self. Its fucking hard, but whats life if not trying to be and show yourself the best you can? As a kind stranger I hope you find the courage and strength again once more to go and try to live life ❤

[@alllivesmatter1792]

Everyone needs love, but being desperate prevents people from accepting the truth. She’s in love with the idea of being in love. The dude was scared of breaking up & running.

[@elizabethalexander6528]

The beauty of being older is I have learned the hard way that being alone is one of the best things ever to happen to me. I do want more but for the last 8 years have been in intense care recovery.

[@lumpyspacecadet]

The way we do courting and marriage nowadays is sooooo complicated! I think this evolution is backfiring and we ought to go back and re-adopt how we did it back in the old days.

[@JaffaCakes-c7d]

I agree

[@deerskin4225]

There is some truth to this for sure. Though it is also obvious that there were many unhappy marriages. Yet there were other reasons to get married that this fleeting being in love stuff. And that was not necessarily a bad thing. People did not have to make boundaries. Boundaries were all over 😅

[@lowlowseesee]

Naaaah. The old ways and new ways still exist. The same abuses that existed then exist now. If you’re pining for a time where women had less rights you may want to reconsider

[@zah936]

Yes

[@sarahmuschel4812]

‘I’m seeing how you treat your mom’ is what I would be looking out for the most with men. Don’t overlook that; it’s their blueprint of how they feel towards woman and how they will treat you eventually. Even subtle distain and disrespect toward their mom, is something to be wary of.

[@hettiegrubbs]

“That confidence that you have inside yourself to set real boundaries about what you will and won’t date is very attractive, in fact, it is irresistible” and “real boundaries means walking away” are life changing ideas. Refusing to crap fit yourself to others is not selfish, it is the complete opposite because it finally allows you to give your true, authentic self to the world, which is what every healthy person wants. Thank you for another excellent video even though it was soooo hard to watch, and I want to thank the woman who wrote the letter, I hope she knows that there are many of us still working to heal our wounds and still making mistakes along the way.

[@AkshayKumar-ue1fp]

This is easier said than done in the workplace because if you set boundaries you come across as snobbish and what not.

[@deerskin4225]

So my question is: have you set your boundaries as such this right level that you are now irresistible? Or is it a pleasant perspective to get comfort in?

[@rinishan]

I think people have very different expectations about commitment. I think it's totally fine to want to be girlfriend boyfriend after a few months. It doesn't mean marriage, it just means I can call them for help, and that I can show my real self to them. You are always free to leave and break up, always free to change your mind, (ultimately that's true even in marriage). Wanting commitment on a relationship level is different from promising life plans together. To me it just means this isn't just a casual hookup/friendship, but that there's interest to get to know each other on a deep romantic level. Doesn't mean proposal, a ring and children.

[@girlonamission1685]

I feel like I constantly struggle publicly between my sweet kind loving friendly self and my hard tough cynical F off self. I feel like the sweet self is somewhat door mattish and the hard self deters people from getting close. There’s no middle ground. I find it hard to be consistent. I don’t know what to do.

[@otiliamanuelajurj]

I am the same.

[@dannelle17]

Same 😔

[@racmorr007]

Be your sweet self and when you run into those who like to use people and manipulate kindness.....let them meet the other you😏and make it good...there are many tools..learn how to use them...sarcasm is my favorite...specially when delivered with a saccharine sweet smile...confuses the hell out of them...they know they're being insulted but the smiles got em twisted....

[@ProxyAuthenticationRequired]

It's a hell of a thing to discover how so many are carrying past trauma from childhood, which is often greatly worsened as we navigate through life bumping into others suffering often without realization of their own traumas. It's almost a cosmic tragicomedy of a room filled with demented people fighting with each other and not aware of their own culpability in their unaware trauma-triggered reactions to stresses (real and often exaggerated or outright imagined). It's a spiritual dementia-but not one you are condemned to remain in and can indeed heal from with a calm centeredness and integrated sense of self. With this greater awareness comes the annoyance you will have to let go of not only the pain you hold onto but the blaming of others, even when they were far from ideal in their treatment of you. Suddenly you see that family member who was unpredictable in mood and emotionally unavailable or invalidating as not having been malicious or intentionally damaging but themselves a wounded, damaged person who was suffering the same spiritual dementia of not being aware of their own reactivity and the damage it does to the world. This realization extends to others, in which you recognize that same almost ineffable dark veil that signals a trauma to the self. Your mean, surly, temperamental boss, is seen as that wounded child fighting against insecurity to never be seen incompetent or overshadowed. And this is said not in a disparaging mindset but with a compassion, which although can be present does not endorse the toxicity being done by any person. Sometimes we don't quite have the luxury of exiting such toxic circumstances, at least not readily, but it is far best, at a minimum, to set boundaries with such people and recognize their projected gaslighting and narcissistic frailties are but emanating from a damaged psyche and has nothing do to with you per se. And with this realization comes too the responsibility to be mindful of your state of mind and however unintentionally not likewise project or leave others, often whom can be in quiet vulnerable states, feeling injured further. There truly is a great power within us all to call forth that is stronger than our past or circumstances and recognizes the deception that thoughts and the past are what constitute the self, when in reality there is an overarching observing mind lying dormant and that we often don't realize is a separate thing from thought itself and from which our conscious spirit-the self-truly exists. It is so easy however to loose sight of this and attaching ourselves to thought and caught in its unforgiving turbulent wake, which traps us in a vicious cycle of shame, anger, and even hate. Anna Runkle is most right about working on reinforcing positive habits to eliminate a reactive, dysregulated mindset and outlook. Being mindful and taking inventory or your thoughts and careful to not mistake them for being you or reality is crucial towards forming healthy psychological and behavioral habits. Being kind and loving to yourself is ultimately not a selfish act but a loving self-less act in giving up a false persona and in so doing becoming authentic and positively availing ourselves to others. I truly feel we all have an ethical responsibility towards this end and must take responsibility of our pains, regardless of how unjustly and undeservedly inherited. Cultivating reactive anger and resigned resentment are not solutions but are themselves active participants that further traumatize. Our healing truly starts with us. May whomever is hurting find that healing and deeper sense of self that does exist and can be found. Edit: Forgive the rather long post.

[@jennifermartin4505]

A day trip tells you a lot about a person. No overnight.

[@tablescissors]

Excellent point, I even saw this in friendships.

[@nickydietrich5924]

I am aware of my limerence and limerence in others. I'm aware of my abandonment wounds and the wounds of others. I can nurture myself. I don't need someone else to take care of my needs. I am present. I take my time with everybody and check in with them and me regularly. It still doesn't mean that connections are made. What it means is that I'm not abused. It means I don't allow other people to abuse me and and I am aware of my wish to manipulate others and I stop myself before I do it. It means I stay emotionally regulated a lot of the time and when I don't I take time for myself to process my feelings and thoughts and understand my thoughts and needs. That's all it means. It doesn't mean that someone magically appears. They don't. What actually appears is how difficult other people find it to connect and that you weren't the only one struggling. It is much more peaceful though. It's definitely worth taking the time to do all this stuff, but it doesn't mean you'll find a relationship or even friendship at the end of all that work. It just isn't a given. And that's what you actually need to come to terms with. You will have a really good relationship with yourself though and that is priceless.

[@tinamenon1593]

Beautifully put 👏

[@petsmart1000]

I’m 47 and at the point in my life where I’m fine being alone and enjoying my life for me, and I have no interest in finding or wanting new friends or new love. I have two acquaintance people in my life, and that’s more than enough. I feel more free and liking myself and what I want to do with my life. 😊

[@Areutherehello]

That's my fate, I think. Single as I have always been.

[@candyharding4134]

I'm finally there as well, but big thumbs up to you for learning it far sooner than I did

[@ACHNACONE]

Nothing wrong with being content in your own company .. i am with my dogs and cats all day every day and am totally content . People can be draining

[@VanessaBoult]

Me too, love my life with my cats and at 70 I've found the love I've looked for is the love I needed to give myself.... It's a privelage to be alone and yet not feel lonely.... so many people can't live without a partner, but happiness is an inside job ❤

[@zingarassong7531]

Me too. Very little interest in relationship. It's so much work, ugh.

[@define2675]

Jesus “eroticizing abandonment” is such a bombshell statement of disgust that resonates so hard. Like how true that speaks to me, i just want to work on whatever im feeling, i just don’t know exact what counts as healing. I like how you weren’t just being kind but you were being brutally honest, that’s what gets me and what has me actually listening rather than anything else. It’s not always what i want to hear but what i need to hear.

[@HH-kg4fq]

If you have borderline personality disordered parents, this applies to you . A healthy personality won't conform to what other people want/need. A healthy personality will be independent and invite other independent people. The paths cross but will not enmesh.

[@xzigalianisiochfhradha3204]

This is a long way of saying that a good relationship is built on friendship first and they have to genuinely like you as a person.

[@lowlowseesee]

By long you mean detailed and cathartic lol

[@sairaphilip437]

It's hard enough to find someone where there is mutual interest. When you do, people aren't generally going to wait for more than three months to get physically intimate. They are going to look for easier options. It's also hard to distinguish a red flag vs yellow flag early in the relationship. It's hard to know if they are going through a phase. Red flags only become clearer when the person you are dating has become somewhat "comfortable". Usually after physical intimacy. I don't think you can date with intention without opening yourself to pain.

[@la6136]

If someone doesn't want to wait to be physically intimate that is a red flag. They are not looking to get to know you and they don't actually like you. They are just looking for someone to attach to as quickly as possible and use to get their needs met. It also indicates low self control and self discipline which are also red flags.

[@christinelamb1167]

​@@la6136 My thoughts exactly! When I was younger, I used to get physically intimate very quickly. Basically, if a man showed any kind of interest in spending time with me, I felt like sex was obligatory to keep him hanging around. I didn't have a sense of my own worth as a person, apart from what I had to offer physically. This is what long-term childhood abuse (including sexual abuse from a family member) does to a person! At the age of 60, I have been celibate by choice for 7 years now, and it has been a wonderful time of getting to know myself better, and sorting out what I really would want in a life partner (and also friends, for that matter!). Anna is right, once sex becomes a part of a relationship, it muddies the waters and makes everything so confusing! In the past, I put up with very bad behavior from men I chose to be in relationships with. Physical intimacy forms a pseudo-bond, making us think love is there, when it really isn't. I ended my last dating relationship 2 years ago, after 9 months. The fact that I never slept with him made it much easier to walk away when I finally pieced all the red flags together. I left with my self-respect intact, without regret, and I haven't looked back!

[@deerskin4225]

I agree with what you are saying! That mutual attraction does not happen so often. And yes it is hard not to get physical then. Whether a man and a woman alike

[@ritadoran5039]

Agree

[@heatherc760]

I would agree with you. If you’re not being your “authentic” self, who’s to say the other person is either? I’ve dated many men who put on a good front “good guy image” But then 6mos to a year in, they change ? I’ve noticed this too many times. Especially if you’re not moving with the relationship as FAST as THEY want you to. 😠

[@rebecca_stone]

Mic drop, Anna! Great episode. Letter writer, I hope you’re reading these comments. My heart goes out to you, I completely understand how high-stakes this feels, us women have less time biologically to get this right. And everything in your letter feels like I'm listening to my 34-year-old self. At 45 I've only finally "seen the Matrix" after my final lap around hell's highway - a 4yr relationship, moving in together, attempts to have kids (including IVF) and life commitment. His incredibly beautiful qualities were braided in with high levels of emotional immaturity. He became abusive, cruel, and eventually violent. Letter-writer, it's time to get brutal with boundaries. To us with trauma, unhealthy men can look like healthy ones. Meanwhile healthy ones will highlight our unconscious self-disgust and we'll be revulsed. Don't be scared to cut off flaky men at the first sign of unhealth or unavailability - your child-bearing years are still well ahead of you, so please please don't let yourself misplace your precious heart into the wrong hands due to the fear of missing out. It may seem like men you've been dating tricked you if they bail at 3-6mths, but this is your attachment wound talking - they are showing you who they are, and they are truly not for you. I know it’s so tantalising and painful when you lose them early on because you don’t get that closure of knowing what could have been. But you can’t know that they are in fact sparing you years of your life mis-invested. I hope this helps, along with Anna’s amazing advice.

[@AcousticUplift]

I found this comment more constructive and sympathetic than Anna's advice this time, TBH. For me, CCF's response seemed harsher than usual (not the only time, mind but usually she's more compassionate) and not simply in the 'tough love' sense. Just a bit too harsh.

[@hilarywhatley1335]

I don't think she meant commitment as in marriage, but rather as in boyfriend/girlfriend. Which makes a lot more sense with the "few weeks" statement. I think 2-3 months of dating is the perfect time to discuss putting a label on things, and I would break up with a guy if he didn't at least want that level of commitment after ~3 months. You have to take this approach because otherwise you will find yourself in situationships. I honestly believe most men know if they want a relationship with you by that point.

[@edselgreaves6503]

My therapist taught me this term: Mind-Reading. My mother and sister were very prone to outbursts and loved to create drama to fulfill their bored lives, so i had to live on the edge and tiptoe around their feelings all the time and guess what was going on in their thoughts and predict what would happen next. This became worse when i started working in sales and had to predict what the clients wanted before they object and also predict what my toxic bosses were going to demand of me next to keep me on my toes. I am only just now learning this is a bad way to live and it has fried my nerves to the point where i feel nothing but dread. It seems like a lot of people who have been trapped with narcissists have had to do this to survive.

[@Electra9797]

Wow, I can relate to Camron a lot. I’ve literally let a failed talking stage derailed my entire life. I know I have a lot of work to do before I can be in a healthy relationship and I’m taking the time to do that now.

[@Usedtobeabandalore]

I let a 3 week fling derail mine. At least we are self aware enough to help ourselves. ❤

[@Electra9797]

@@UsedtobeabandaloreI’m so sorry, I hope you’re doing better now. And yes, self awareness is a big step

[@torkgems]

This is the core BPD wound. Everyone should watch this video

[@SevenBenches]

"Suddenly all changed and he went cold, suddenly I was not a priority anymore ". Wow, I could not have said it better myself. Can relate 100%. He kept saying to me in the first few months-"I will always put you first ". Hmmmmmm? I really thought we would heal and grow together . Thank you for your videos Anna.

[@emiliefonhaugteien8238]

How do I know who I really am?

[@Wimsa43]

I like that question, I dont know whom I am any longer.

[@wildmeadows8495]

I feel you. For me, there is only an absence after letting go of my false self. I am coming to accept this, since I have tried for 30 years to find myself. And, thankfully, I have a somewhat satisfying life despite this.This may not be your story, though. Good luck in your journey. ❤

[@lindsay3793]

I know my values and have general interests but... Beyond going to work and sleeping, I am void.of a "life". I don't know how to connect with people and make friends.

[@Chapps1941]

​​​@@lindsay3793exactly this! I was one walking continuing dysregulation without knowing it. From 1965 to 2023. But I'm listening to the stuff of Anna and its slowly making sense. But 50+ year old secrets still coming keep coming out. I've finally admitted that l was sodomized as a 9-11 year old plus all the other sexual assaults I did the DP today!

[@VAPSPRESENTS]

This is the same question I've asked myself. Especially when I look in the mirror 🪞

[@Carolina-fx2mz]

The guy said he wanted children and more .. this is not just normal dating, he wanted to get the most out of it (sexually and emotionally) with no real commitment from the beginning. So yeah, she may have childhood wounds but he was a fraud.

[@8309barbie]

💯 A lot of guys, especially on dating apps will say they wanna relationship only do they go out on a date with you and suddenly you realize all they really wanted was a hook up. They just said that in order to get you to go out with them. It’s nothing but emotional blackmail and lies to get what they want (sex).

[@Sally150]

Maybe or maybe he was freaked out by her neediness. He wants that but found out not with her.

[@99names16]

When you say that and just blame others you’re literally doing the very thing Fairy is coaching us out of. To be able to take ownership and responsibility for your outcomes. So instead of empowering the author to better understand that just because their love interest has expressed desires for a certain kind of future, it isn’t the same as planning that future with them. They are just saying “hey I’m heading in this direction, are you as well?” And also- to empower the author to take control of their life. Because if this has happened multiple times than instead of being a victim of yourself and what you want to hear you can take the keys and make more informed decisions. But if you’re just gonna hear what you want to hear:: just call them liars or frauds than you are saying you have no control over your life. Because if someone says to you after 2 months of knowing you that they want to have your kids than you should know “okay clearly this person is damaged as well or they may be a fraud but I’m healed enough to know that it’s up to me to set the boundaries to ensure I don’t get hirt and get what I want out of life.

[@99names16]

@Sally150 - exactly! The author never said that the love interest told her he wants to have kids with her. She asked and he said “yes I do want kids” . Here is the crux if the issue.. she will have to heal from whatever is causing her to believe that a healthy happy person can make that kind of decision in earnest after a couple months of interactions.

[@GuyVinmara]

He said he wanted kids. He could have that want even as a single person. He never said he wanted kids WITH HER. That was to be determined over the course of getting to know her.

[@Frugality]

This was so needed! I have childhood PTSD. I started dating someone, started being intimate even though I saw the red flags. After 2 months I realized that this wasn’t the person for me as they had childhood PTSD themselves and actually told me that they wanted to see how out of character/angry I could get. Communication slowed and I was unwilling to be a placeholder. I called him out on it and went my own way. I’m so glad I communicated how I felt and didn’t let him waste months/years of my life. I don’t think I’ll be sleeping with people that I date so soon, moving forward.

[@leahstaub1874]

Sadly, some kids learned to value chaos and intensity as the most genuine expression of love...I suppose this makes sense as the intense emotions and battling would only occur if the people CARED about one another. Testing & pushing you in that was was likely his subconscious trying test your love while also being addicted to the intensity of the rollercoaster of fighting, making up, honeymoon period, begin again...

[@LoveTruth44]

Omg. Abandonment melange. I've experienced that !! And it's absolute anguish!! On top of that, I'm an INFJ and HSP..... which, I think, intensified the emotional pain _even more_ .

[@cawi8450]

I feel so much empathy for her and luckily she‘s in her mid 30s, she really has still the time to find some one for her family plans. I‘m in my early 40s and this story could have been mine 1:1. It hurts to see what i did wrong all those years in my relation ships. Trauma healing is so important if you‘re single and want to have a (healthy!) family. Hang in there every one, for me it‘s too late for this dream.

[@aoifedarma5030]

This is a big issue and I'd love if Anna did a video to address this private sense of pain and loss. Thank you for sharing and wish you all the best on your healing journey ❤

[@alicemakarevich6762]

Don't say it's too late, you have so much in front of you yet❤

[@nvr5490]

I'm at a same age and my friends keep telling me "you could meet a widow tomorrow or a divorcee with 5 kids". You never know. Maybe it's good that motherhood didn't happen to me. Maybe I was spared from having a narcisst child on top of two narcisst parents and a narcissist sister. Or maybe I would have ruined the child due to all my personal traumas and I would have never wanted to do that. Maybe all turned out well and there're some nasty children out there, let's not kid ourselves. My mother was a narcissist as was my father. She died this year but prior to her death she fell into Alzheimer's disease. With Alzheimer's she turned into an angel, all narcisstic defence mechanism gone. She became full of laughter and kidness with a strong sense of good and evil. I would have done anything to save her. I loved her those last years and am happy to have met the person behind the narcissm. I often think how God chose Alzheimer for her to redeem her so she could become an angel. That narcisstic mother of mine that turned into an angel was treated horribly in her last days by my narcisst sister. It was painful to watch. Not all children grow up into angels, some are ruthless. So maybe it's better not to have had children, less painful.

[@gayecosmicchic9755]

Oh my goodness, you're so not too old. Let love find you in yourself, and he/she will come. ❤

[@cawi8450]

@@gayecosmicchic9755 I‘m 40 and for having an own family with kids i‘m def. too old. 🥲

[@soumya941]

With an experienced lady I say never invest emotion and trust totally until you get married. In the process of dating .. watch red flags, gut feelings, his career path, responsibility towards their life and family, be respectful to you, think what is good for you, invest time daily almost. Dating is not for loving / sleeping/ invest money. Dating is for understanding each other and assume yourself being his partner in daily life. If he is not fitting your wish list , say thank you and stop seeing him. That’s how guys do. Ladies are emotional bodies … that make them suffering. Until you find right person , keep loving yourself. Don’t date because you are alone and want to be loved. Person who has no plans with you for his future. Will leave you in a month or in a year. Until they find right person for his wish list. Be stronger than your emotion and ask what are their plans for you. If he don’t say anything proper just leave. Atleast he had to say you are marriage quality person while looking into eyes

[@CB19087]

Definitely Anna, 4months of getting to know someone, getting along really well, values aligned, similar interests... she's not interested in taking it further 🤷‍♂️ we can't control other people, we can only respect ourselves and do the right thing for ourselves. Nowt as queer as folk!

[@sarahsitaraanandavelander9193]

I don't think it's just a childhood wound. It gets intense in the mid 30s when the biological clock is getting more and more intense. It's very hard for many people to take things slow ~ it think it's good advice to do so, but not very easy

[@cawi8450]

I absolutely agree with you.

[@Sally150]

If you want a kid more than anything, just get pregnant, dad or no dad. Who knows - he might like the idea of sticking around.

[@meauvelle]

​@@Sally150 But she should still take a close look at whether it is a healthy, good person who is allowed to be there voluntarily or not. And even a man who only wants to play father twice a year could trigger in the child that he or she is not lovable enough for him to be there more often. Then it's better to become a mother and completely detach yourself from the father.

[@Sally150]

@@meauvelle In this time of humanity, people complicate things too much! I know, I do. What you're saying is fortune telling. If she wants a baby so badly what happens if the perfect MAN doesn't appear?

[@Sally150]

Choice and birth control are WONDERFUL for many people; like me who never wanted a kid. On the other hand people used to fall in love, get pregnant then get married. If Dad left it was devastating financially but that didn't happen much and it doesn't have to happen now.

[@marisa5359]

Yep. All too relatable. So many messed up dating situations, one after another. My current husband and I even jumped in too fast, both being CPTSD folks. And it has been so hard. We have gotten slowly to a better place almost 12 years in, praise God, but it has been quite a battle. Even though we have managed, I would say to anyone to please. take. your. time. You gave some really good,solid advice, Anna. Thank you.

[@Theantinarc]

I'm 44 and was in a pretty good relationship for the last 3 years but then I got sick with long Covid and my cognitive function declined. Then my abusive ex took me to court once again to remove my visitation (he's already taken my custody). My nervous system has been dysregulated for months. My partner texted me to break up with me while I was out of state dealing with custody. We dated 3 months before sex. We got engaged shortly after 1 year. I was ready. I've been in therapy and working hard for years. Getting sick and the continued abuse of my ex completely set off my old habits and I wasn't a good partner. He also has his own issues and refuses to communicate and that was a trigger. I'm floored but I'm ok. I just knew it was a good relationship and we could have worked through things if he had been patient or if my ex would just leave me alone.

[@MissBluebirddays]

When the letter writer said 'commitment' after a few weeks, I interpreted that as an exclusive relationship. Not marriage, but yes I agree, way too soon

[@merlyjimenez6043]

I rarely comment but this content was very relatable. I was EXACTLY how the writer was. I had many short lived relationships and thought I was going to die if I was not with someone. Currently working on self awareness. How? Doing a lots of inner work….using self-help books, videos and journaling. My focus now is putting aside relationships and exercising a few times a week, massages every few weeks and also building up my career with learning new skills. Its taken a whole year but I feel empowered and refreshed. Feeling so much stronger emotionally. I too have had emotional trauma in childhood and into adulthood. If I can do it, so can YOU! Good luck

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for sharing this! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@HandofHolmes]

Untangling who I really am from who I’ve constructed myself to be has been an entire mission. I no longer watch your videos as much but I have a select few bookmarked and the ones that show up in my feed continue to help me in this process. Slowly, I am internalizing less and trying not to blame myself for not doing enough or checking in with others /being there for others, when I’m working on getting myself to a stable environment- the reality is now that my situation makes me miserable and I’m done commiserating and trying to seek out and do the stuff I’m meant to. I’m doing my best to fill up my cup before anyone else’s and part of that is securing work, continuing to work on projects on the side, and pursuing side gigs that are fun and where I get to express my creative side. I’m honing in on moving out and saving as much as I can to live independently and only then will I be a greater support for the people I care about. Only then will I be less miserable inside and only then can I extend the grace and compassion that others need without compromising what is important to me. I don’t want to avoid the people I care about completely though as I have a tendency to do because ensuring that they are pleased and happy with me/my decisions is exhausting (it a lot of mental energy to spend before any interaction happens so you end up procrastinating) so I tend to avoid communicating or keeping in touch outright which causes me to lose those friendships rather than keep them, as I have never been consistent. I tend to just pop back up when I feel up to it, which annoys some people. It feels safer for me to just work on my projects, or study in private rather than talk to others outside my home or work spheres. It’s not where I want to be obviously and I want more genuine honest relationships and any relationship requires effort, so I have to work on that.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing this with us. You already did a great job! Nika@TeamFairy

[@shirleyball2533]

Good evening beautiful

[@mshannahloganshow]

One of the best questions to ask myself when "shit goes down" and the stories descend... "Is that really true? " Is it really true I have never been loved... that I thought this was a healthy relationship? that someone 'destroyed' me? that "they were so self-centered and abandoned me when I really needed them? " that I gave EVERYTHING, did all the work, and he didn't care about me and treated me like trash? So much of the time the TRUTH is I abandoned MYSELF by dating someone I knew was not REALLY available, looked for validation and security outside of myself, wanted him to do a list of things he didn't do and built a huge resentment that oozed from my pores, manipulated him with my "authenticity" and enlightenment until he likely wanted to kill me in my sleep, but instead went silent as I went mad with my trauma triggers and made him all the monsters of my childhood. The more honest I get the less I am triggered... Because fewer and fewer people are my Mommy or Daddy... I never talk to them without clear boundaries and I sure as shit am gonna do all I can to avoid living with them and expecting them to be any different than they have for... EVER.

[@kaylaregea]

I’m 19 years old and my relationship of 2.5 yearsjust ended back in October. It’s been painful, but my healing journey is really important. I know that I’m young and God has someone for me. My ex is already trying to jump in a relationship which is sad. I’m wishing for the best for him. As for me, I’m going to begin doing the things I enjoy and loving myself. I also want to build a friendship circle and meet new people around town. I used to binge watch your channel back in July and you were helping me out. Thank you and God bless you

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@cloudydays6277]

@kayla_chosen1 aren’t you abit young to be lurking in relationship sites? U should be busy with friends and university and getting to know yourself not ‘2.5yr relationship u started at 16.5yrs old!

[@kaylaregea]

@@cloudydays6277 oh trust I am now!! I learned the hard way Lol, not looking for a relationship for a while. Focusing on me, my education @the illustrious NCAT and yes I am spending time with friends! I’m doing much better ❤️🙌🏽

[@kaylaregea]

@@cloudydays6277 not sure what happened to my comment, but yes you are correct! I had to learn the hard way, I am focusing on me and my education 👍🏽

[@karenduey9675]

I’ve ignored red flags in 3 romantic relationships and it got me in trouble. I’ve also ignored my gut in other important situations and made poor decisions. I’m learning to listen to myself.

[@WowUsernameAvailable]

It's amazing how you say some really brutal things with a warmth and a desire to bring the person out of the pit.

[@ixizn]

Thank you so much for your videos responding to letters, Anna. I can only imagine you get a ton of them, but I hope you never tire. I always learn something new and find something I can apply to my own life whether I directly relate to the situation the letter writer is in or not. And while it’s always bittersweet knowing others have had bad childhoods too, since that’s the boat we’re in, I love hearing these small parts of other people’s stories and reminding myself I’m not alone-both in my struggles and in my efforts to heal + search for a way to make things better. Love to you, the team, and the brave letter writers! You’re all so appreciated! ❤

[@flip1980ful]

Same!

[@thecoloursofthemage]

You hit the nail on the head with me as a male with BPD. Although now I’ve isolated myself for a decade going on now for ‘protection’. Love your work ❤

[@Usedtobeabandalore]

I see bpd and I think covert narc. Is that why you've isolated?

[@drakelessner3981]

idk what i am. but i isolated myself for 6 years. try to get yourself out there man. just try and actually get to know girls without the intention of anhthing and see if you jive with any of them

[@thecoloursofthemage]

@@Usedtobeabandalore there are a lot of reports saying that, absolutely. Thankfully my personality, minus the BPD, didn’t effect any narcissism levels, in fact narcissists trigger me lol it’s funny how even mental illness can manifest differently in different people. So others might be but I would say I’m not. I’m too humble for my own good sometimes lol I attract narcissists. I’d say in short, too much trauma, my soul started getting effected, stayed strong for too long, now I’m in eternal rest mode.

[@thecoloursofthemage]

@@drakelessner3981 so sorry to hear you have been in the situation also. I think once the ego or mind is damaged is starts to eat away at your soul and then eventually your body, not necessarily in that order. I think my soul has been too damaged, so while I still can improve, it’s just that much more difficult. I’m 38 now. I like the line in the Richard Marx song hazard, ‘all of my rescues are gone’. Thanks for your encouragement 🙌🏻🙌🏻✌️

[@jonathanmills5747]

I have found a brother in you. I too have BPD and stay single for similar reasons

[@nanzilla3000]

Please tell Cameron that her letter helped me too! And your tough love was tough for ME to hear as I identified with her M.O., but I sure could see mysef clearly when you said it. I was always a dive-right-in person and it always came back to bite me. Finally after many years and many partners I started dating a man and made myself really DATE him, we went on walks and small outings for 6 months before we even fooled around. Not as long as you suggest in your video! I wish I had had this advice when I was a teenager, just for someone to tell me how to properly date a person! I didn’t have anyone to teach me and I allowed myself to become deeply entangled from a VERY young age because I simply didn’t know any better, and that pattern lasted for 20 years before I deliberately slowed things down. Ten years later, that man and I have been married for five years. Cameron, there is hope!!!

[@nanzilla3000]

I just reread this and what I mean is, I wish I had waited the whole 18 months instead of just six months but for me that was a huge step lol

[@spiritosa0123]

I am myself. Almost always since I pledged to finally stop people pleasing. Still cannot find people to be with. The good news is I really hated the people pleasing and it took years, and watching videos like CCP, helped me see how pervasive that behavior was. I vale authenticity. The family I had, however, never did. Let go if the last one of them. Hard to do, but I have to be real henceforth

[@garfield1935]

I love the idea of old style courting and taking your time. The writer of the letter in the video was young at 34, I'm curious to know how/if the timeframe changes for those of us who are starting the recovery journey in midlife or later.

[@gal1885]

Anna you have a gift 🥰 I’m so grateful that you’re using it to help those of us with childhood wounds and attachment issues. I can relate to Cameron’s letter, 100%. So this was basically a therapy session for me! Thank you! I hope she finds herself and her true happiness, even if it’s not with a romantic partner. Some of us just aren’t cut out for it, even though it’s the thing we want the most in life. And you can have a baby without having a man!

[@annaspratt361]

You are cut out for it though.. We got this!!!

[@ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ_9]

Some of us aren’t cut out for a relationship? You mean that some of us are not made for relationships? Really??

[@racmorr007]

Yes...even if its for the sperm alone a man is needed....and there are documentaries now showing the emotional damage children of sperm donors suffer once rhey realize how they came into the world....Personally, I do not agree with having a baby without a father in the picture. There is a reason why we were designed to have the two. To bring a child into the world knowing he or she will never have that relationship with the other part of themselves willingly is doing a disservice to the child. It's different when things don't work out than when it's intentionally done just for your own satisfaction. What about the child's right to a healthy and stable home? That's what we deny kids when we are unable for whatever reason to create a successful union in which to bring them. It's not a blame thing, it is just what it is. Women tend to want kids because they feel the need to express the love within. You can give an already present child the gift they do not have. That of a loving home. To a child with nothing even one parent to care for and about them means the world. You can foster or just be an advocate for disadvantaged children. It is emotionally demanding but oh so rewarding. Just something to think about for those who can relate to this.

[@racmorr007]

@@ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ_9 Sometimes we think that a romantic or sexual relationship will make us happy when what we really need is true intimacy. Sex is physical intimacy. Very different from true intimacy. To truly know someone intimately is to know them so well that you can predict the way they will even think. It goes for both parties involved and carries a depth of trust and respect that develops only with time and shared experiences. It can be between spouses but also friends, or a family member or members you have a bond with. It doesn't have to be only a sexual partner. Just knowing you are truly not alone and valued just for being you can surpass a romantic relationship. Realistically looking at the world around you should show you that not everyone is going to find a sexual partner because the world is very unbalanced. To bank your future happiness on the belief that happiness can only come from a mate is a recipe for misery. Seek real, fulfilling relationships and experiences with people who get you and life can still be very beautiful. Isolation increases the loneliness and desire for a partner. And getting together because you are lonely often causes you to overlook significant red flags which just causes further trauma. Also, getting out there and meeting people increases the possibility of meeting a partner. It's a win win situation when you just embrace life fully and just enjoy yourself and the people in your world. Your learned boundaries and emotional tools will help you do it all in a healthy way.

[@naticaleb123]

There is plenty of research out there that outlines the hardships that come along for women that raise kids without fathers. Please, don’t have a fatherless child. It’s a selfish move, not good for the child and will only create more stress for both of you. In essence another human with cptsd..and almost guaranteed to have a harder time in life. Having a pet would be 💯 better. I offer this advice, from my own experience, much love and take care!!!!

[@HandofHolmes]

15:00 “I know I have to slow things down.” Easier said than done. 😭 It’s definitely how I messed up near every relationship I was in. Perhaps it was to fill the void but I wanted to skip to the “happily ever after” bit instead of going through the effort of parsing who was right for me and who loved the genuine me. Instead I allow people to fall in love with their perceived image of me and then rush into something with someone who wasn’t actually down for a relationship with me. Similar to my last comment but definitely need to work on being more consistent, so slowing the pace down, remaining in my “wise mind” and being a bit more strategic about looking for those signs is totally essential.

[@tessdean2523]

Then there’s the flipside were people hit it off right away get love bombs get married in a few months and have been together for 30 years. I think a lot of people hold onto those stories and wish it was them

[@heatherc760]

YES.

[@nomessnostress]

I do 😂😊

[@donnachimenti7]

Beautifully explained and so helpful. You give not only your knowledge, but in such a lovely, nurturing way that many people haven't had...especially with CPTSD.

[@little_wonderer9290]

I think because she speaks from experience and has genuine empathy for those of us still unaware of our traumas and their effects on our lives; the hard truths seem a bit easier to process coming from someone who truly understands.

[@butterscotch2086]

I think he may have been using her. Just because someone offers you something doesn’t mean you should take it. If someone offered me something and I know it was because they have romantic feelings for me, but I don’t have the same for them then I wouldn’t take it. It’s wrong.

[@leafangels]

No push back from me. We must learn new boundaries that were crushed in childhood. Sometimes lessons are learned this way. Unfortunately.

[@NifftyMelinoë]

You just told my most recent love story Anna! Thanks for the tough love. I needed that!!!

[@mda193]

Omg, this woman is describing my life. It's so sad but at the same time I'm kinda relieved that I'm not alone in experiencing this. I got a bit better at the whole dating thing and setting boundaries but I still struggle immensely with two things: A) not to allow physical intimacy too early - I feel like it's expected nowadays that you sleep with someone after a couple of dates if you get along well & are physically attracted to each other. If you wait longer, men lose interest and/or look for someone else. Especially when they don't have a crush on you but just wanna see where things go. So me waiting for about a month or two feels very long already (I know it isn't but that's what men make me feel because with most it doesn't even get there because they will have lost interest when I didn't kiss them after the 2nd date and/or slept with them after 3 weeks) & I don't wanna lose the potential by waiting even longer. Plus, I am someone who shows affection through physical touch & I hug people a lot etc., so I also feel a kind of need to be physically close to a person when I like them & I do want the intimacy even though I wait. B) doubting my worth - this one is even more difficult for me. That's because I think I'm a very lovable person with a lot of good traits & values & I think highly of myself. However, I never got this reflected from anyone as I've never been truly loved & haven't had any close friendships since I've been 16 (I'm 30 now) due to moving countries with my family back then & it being very difficult to build close friendships as an adult. People often feel drawn to me & I have a lot of acquaintances & a couple of friends but no one who's really close to me & especially not a community that makes me feel loved & like I belong there. So when I start getting close to someone whilst dating, I get incredibly scared they're gonna walk away the more they get to know me because the first excitement of getting to know someone new wears off & they haven't seen my 'true value' yet. Because of this, I find myself anxious & doubting myself in relationships (both as friends and in a romantic way) as I always expect them to leave me at any point in time because they get kinda bored & not seeing what a lovable person I am. It's so difficult because when I'm not with people I feel so worthy & know all those good things about me but as soon as I'm with them I start getting insecure & questioning why no one ever seemed to see it in the past & everyone walking away & I get scared it happens once again...

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing your experience and insight. If you'd like to ask Anna questions, feel free to write an "Ask the Fairy" letter. You can do it from here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters Nika@TeamFairy

[@anhpam9205]

Relate 100% to your experience. very similar to my own.Also moved a lot, liv in a foreign country, do not belong to any community or group, miss tactile stimulation. Most i get is a hug from my adult children or the grands ,usually very perfunctory, certainly not satisfying enough!, Suitable emen nowhere to be seen, despite years on dating sites , trying other ways to meet, absolutely agree with your policy about sleeping with them. No way ,Jose, not for a good while (90 day rule at least) and that sifts out alot, if not all of them... So tough and takes a lot of resilience to carry on like this.

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

Another reason I don't bother with relationships.. Is that I don't know who I really am..

[@deerskin4225]

Best way to know who you are is getting in relationships. Not the only one but for sure that one will show quick. Can be pretty rough though.

[@nomessnostress]

I agree the relationship i just got out of showed me so much and unlike the past, i am ok with the breakup and wish i has more in life instead of avoiding them after disappointment and due to insecurities @deerskin4225

[@kiaral822]

Synchronicities are crazy! I’ve been thinking about this hard the past few days as it’s where I’m at in my healing journey. I’m so good at being a chameleon. It’s mostly because I’m not really comfortable with who I am and struggle with forming a coherent narrative about my life. It’s hard 😵‍💫

[@ashleyash1016]

There it is ! The strength to step away ! What we allow continues

[@jontnoneya3404]

Anyone else feel like signing up for a class to fix this feels exactly like jumping right into a relationship? Like signing up for the class is simply engaging in more of the dysfunctional behavior that the class is supposed to help us heal? Maybe I'm just jaded because I've spent so much time and money on self-help books, tape programs, singles websites and so much more. I've wasted so much time, energy and emotions on people that weren't into me trying to make something work that was never going to work. I've completely blown relationships with what I perceive as good people simply because I'm so damned awkward in "trying to be normal" or "trying to be a healthy well-adjusted partner type material" or simply being myself....but not all the way myself. It's so exhausting because I feel like when someone really gets to know me, they leave. They always leave. It's like so often the dating game seems to be a case of hiding the real me until that inevitable day comes when they see behind the curtain and it all crumbles. Or vice versa when I finally see behind the curtain and realize I have to get away from her brand of crazy because her brand of crazy doesn't play well with my brand of crazy.

[@BooThing14]

I myself had a terrible childhood of neglect and little support of any kind...at 18 years old I joined a church where i took on the identity that was taught. Then I met a man who I let put me through hell because I had no sense of self...I then married this man 6 years later and took on the identity of his family unit. I had no attachments in my family of origin or anywhere else really. 2 years ago I left the church and cut most contact with my husband's family and I am just now realizing, I had no attachments at all. Well, I had one, the one with my husband was severely co dependent and toxic, I had no identity. raising my 4 and 1 year old made me actually see my attachment issues and what my childhood really was.....its been a brutal 2.5 years but im glad I have a chance to build my self, for my daughters. Im so glad I get the chance to LIVE, even if it hurts sometimes. Marrying a man who drags you through turmoil is not easy. 14 years in and I'm questioning all of it 💔

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Good luck on your healing journey! Nika@TeamFairy

[@pulidobl]

No One Can Use You Without Your PERMISSION…This!!!!

[@Notmyrealname099]

This letter feels like someone wrote it from me. Thank you

[@zingarassong7531]

The way you handled this was exceptionally EXCELLENT. I wonder if people realize what a wealth of solid healthy info was offered in this video--gold mine. As someone who went thru this exact scenerio so many times when i was younger, i can say that each and every comment and explanation you made was 110% on point. I could find no holes. I love the way your suggestions encouraged firmly to shift from victim mode. Thank you for your work.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

What a kind comment. Thank you!

[@zingarassong7531]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy you're most welcome😊

[@aciddiver1978]

I think much of the confusion comes from sex before marriage. Best to avoid that.

[@janemoore4395]

Wow, every video I have seen of hers I've learned so much, and much has applied to me from the past, and present. Parents can really do much damage to their children. Maybe people ought to re-think having kids if they can't offer communication, love, attention, stability and instill values. I look forward to seeing more of her videos, and advice.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad the videos have been helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@lorio.1880]

This is one of the best relationship videos I’ve ever listened to. Thank you!

[@vickieevans9323]

Crappychildhood Fairy !!! Thank you for telling us that we need to sloooooow the dating process down! Took your advice and have taken a minimum(may be longer) a year off from dating, while I heal this beautiful beings trauma, You are the first person who I have ever heard say this, about those of us who have CPTSD. Decided back in Febuary that I would adopt the 12 step programs advice of not getting involved with anyone... even applying this slowness to friends and acquaintances. Thank you

[@retarteddwarf2182]

As long as you need a "relationship" (whatever that is) in order to "feel" complete, you are setting yourself up for personal failure on an epic scale. L@@k inward and serve yourself first while establishing some realistic boundaries and you will begin to set yourself up for the WIN. Good luck...

[@thipimotsoare4228]

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭I can relate to Cameron

[@wendyandfriends]

Your messages here, as always, make so much clear sense to me and have never been so clearly explained/taught (wish they had been!!) before (for me at least). I now see the patterns of former relationships, the "crapfit" of so many of my former "crappy" relationships. I no longer date or even try... I just REALLY don't want to "go there" anymore, ever again. I'm 66 and have been through SO much that no one should ever have to go through (very frightening things). QUESTION (if you see this and can answer it): In almost every relationship I've ever had, the man, the men, if they "don't get any" soon enough for them, get very manipulative, very pushy, hostile, and then it moves into VERY angry, and many have ended up being abusive (verbal, emotional, and in some cases physical). How is a woman to keep herself "safe" while she's trying to figure out if he's a good potential? I understand that men in particular really NEED sex, but I don't like or want to get myself pushed into anything I'm not ready for, and then find myself at the receiving end of violent rage, even when I've continued to explain, talk to them at each manipulative push from them that I'm not ready yet. Valuing one's self to know that one is not ready, but being pushed/coerced, manhandled constantly when trying to get to know a man in a relationship with him/them is just plain exhausting.

[@anhpam9205]

Wendy, amazing, sounds like we have had almost identical experiences. With me,men just take off way before that stage though, when I was younger I'd fall for those tactics. Now it's often before there is even first date. They size me up over the phone it seems, if we even get to a phone call,and figure it's going to be a 'no' at least not for a good while. They move on with the speed of lightening. So transparent aren't they?Just as well, that is not what I am looking for!Sure it would be great within a loving ,caring supportive relationship and friendship.Finding that at our age is more like finding a needle in a haystack!

[@amymahadevan30]

Such solid dating advice! As the mom of two young adult daughters we've talked a lot about this topic. Sending this video to both of them!

[@meganj2799]

Thank you for your "tough love"

[@Talesofourchildhood]

Am going through this right now.Anna you have transformed my life and you have become my role model. I will continue to heal and my goal will be to open a KZbin channel and help tell people who only understand my mother toungue who are affected but would never have an opportunity to know this heal. Thank you so much.

[@kimberly3695]

Boy, did this letter resonate as did the advice. Thank you ❤

[@vanyastaleva415]

13:13 I don't think that by saying commitment she means marriage. She meant that at that point she knew she wanted to continue and stay in the relationship.

[@lanefaurot]

Yes, yes…this is so familiar! I understand how she feels

[@Stillpril]

I went through almost exactly same thing when I was 19. It was the most devastating ending ever and then it happened again at 23 but I saw it coming and I nipped that 💩 in the bud so fast I just walked away. I ghosted him. It hurt for a long time but in time I saw I was right. I also saw how he destroyed the new girls life and I knew I had saved myself from disaster for the first time.

[@kristie369]

Wow crazy how much I can totally feel this letter. Most is like this is a letter written by me. I’m glad I found this video.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad it was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@flaviahangu1311]

Thank you to all the people opening up and to you, Anna, for the guidance and support. Truly a fairy.

[@SB_McCollum]

Awesome episode. Oh, if only I had this to hear 40 years ago, but I'm so glad this kind of advice is available to people now.

[@asanabahrami2735]

You look lovely in this outfit and this red is definitely your colour Anna ♥

[@RitaDoran-p4v]

Honestly from experience some people have agendas and plans they know and have no intention of following through But getting to know a person without sexual stuff is important The lady in this story sounds relatable on some levels like she is looking for love and a connection but keeps getting walk outs not all her fault it takes two

[@eutrepe03]

it's so about me and my last situationship. Ended with ghosting which i took too peronally and wanted to find out why and searchng for closure, where ghosting was closure itself. At the end it made me looks crazy a bit. Still feeeling ashemed after several months, even we had some contact few months later. Today, knowing what i have heard in this video and many different onces I can see clearly my truma wounds, how i got attached and bonded through sex. I also felt my soul got broken, I got broken...Matter of perception and triggered trauma wounds. All takes time, taking proper conclusions take time and the most important thing will be to change behaving patterns, from anxious attached to healthy attached, stay true to yourself and calm. I hope you all find the peace and right way in love life as well!

[@petitcoeur-q6r]

Your experience resonated with me as in a similar situation as yours. It ended in ghosting and like you wanted closure. Realise now that no response is a response. Not heard from them since they suddenly ghosted me over month and half ago. Trying to heal now and going to therapy to heal wounds and work on myself.

[@eutrepe03]

@@petitcoeur-q6r do that and good luck 🙂! You will overcome it. There is so much about us and some other patterns we carry on often. I feel stronger after time and self work i did and still doing. I believe the world has for me many nice surprises and the most important: i truly and genuine like myself again. I wish you to get your power back as well!

[@petitcoeur-q6r]

@@eutrepe03 Thank you for your kind words of encouragement 🙂

[@jadegreen1554]

30:59 there could be a distinction between bad men who really come in as predators and want to use as opposed to men who just are inconsiderate and aren’t perfect gentlemen. There are predators and then there is the actual rigours of dating, which is tough. Really seeing if someone is into you and listening to hear the truth, is hard. Beware of narcissists and predators, and then also be aware of the normal difficulty of dating.

[@robertdeskoski9783]

It really depends on whether the 'real you' has a lot of traits that make it hard to be around or get along with you. There are plenty of people out there whose defences are high and push-push-push, with behaviours designed to get you to go. Sometimes, it's not the partner.

[@Headroomtalking]

Things she shares hit home for me I really had to learn who I was, what I believed, work on my boundaries. Then, the final brick of rebuilding was radical acceptance- not just of all my traits but that I very well may stay alone- but that doesn't define my worth. This is great stuff. Though my mom meant well, my whole life purpose was "to get married." I truly think this was because she didn't really know her purpose, either though well intentioned. Cycle broken.

[@YourMoonShine]

Mid 30's are the hardest time for dating especially for women. It's much easier to stay calm and mindful when you are divorced and already have kids. If you only have a few years left to have a family and it's your biggest unfulfilled dream it's easy to say take it slow, wait etc. meanwhile you're grieving the lost possibility of ever becoming a parent and having a family. Sometimes I think those 'mistakes' that people make when young, like having kids with the wrong person, spending years together and divorcing are not actually that bad. At least they experienced love for some, even short, time and have at least one dream fulfilled if they wanted kids anyway. And they are still not blocked in any way to meet a great person after that. Maybe in some ways it's better than just waiting your whole life for a miracle, meeting a healthy person to have a perfect and healthy relationship with. Statistics about that are not promising.

[@k-isfor-kristina]

Only 5 mins into this video and some of the things the letter author says could have come from my own mouth. Wow wow wow

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@NKRAIEM]

Very helpful. Great distinctions: falling in love vs limerance. Real you vs fake you... Wish I heard this before I got into a 4 year realtionship that was toxic. I went thru this exact scenario... And yeh, time alone is key. Need to heal my truama once and for all. Thank you

[@orscha6126]

I am very thankful for this letter and story. It was therapeutic for me . I was this once, dragged a situationship for 27 yrs , with a very similar man. Just shows how much i didnt know, love, advocate for myself. Finally on a journey , feeling less desperate, more open, trusting me more ❤. Cant wait for the book ! And a black Friday membership offers :-)

[@FriendlyWithMonsters]

I wish I'd seen this video sooner, I plan to watch all videos on this channel now. I got lovebombed after working on myself a lot: we met on vacation, he took care of me. I said there was no future because we live in different countries. But he insisted we'll see a way forward. We spoke for hours on the phone and texted only for him to drop all communication a month in. I was never physical with him, but it still hurts so bad. Mostly because it started with him also being on the same page as me about marriage, and when confronted (via text, cause he didn't have the balls to call even when asked to), he said it's cause I wasn't around him. Without knowing what my plans for the future even were. This video was so needed. But also, when can you truly trust someone? This person very well knew what I wanted, and kept agreeing for a month before dropping it all.

[@hannah__jemima]

I need to apply this even to friendships lol.

[@HotRodHarley06]

I am aware I supported a one sided relationship. My past partner started therapy so I picked up the weight of our relationship so she could focus on her healing, made the conscious choice to support her.

[@jamieendicott7496]

Wow Anna, your videos are always so spot on. For years I've been in and out of therapy, self help, etc., but have always felt that I was just a special case. For the first time, I feel understood. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so happy to hear that! You are not alone and we are all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@Namrata766]

Thanks again. I guess, I too reacted the same way in the past but have been doing it correctly now. Although, rejecting people who aren't right for me doesn't come naturally to me but I am gradually developing a way to think about what's happening slowly and take decisions based on reasoning. I have politely denied meeting people who I was really interested in when I could sense they aren't doing the bare minimum. I think, I will gradually learn to value the right things in a man.