Love Is Blind S3 #51 - (Cole Interview #9) - Therapist Reacts

[@GenXIcon]

"I'm an empath b/c I feel other's emotions so deeply, except for women, who can't speak in full sentences." What they all sound like.

[@sarahsmith3682]

YUP. JFC they were aggravating as hell to listen to

[@thought_bug]

LOL this

[@devochkadee]

Oh man, listening to Cole is such a wild roller coaster. One minute it’s like “wow, he’s actually not that bad, self aware and quite likeab… oh wait no he’s not! Never mind 😅” the next

[@astrobymina36]

probs what Zanab felt

[@francescalittle]

He should just stop doing interviews because he is very inconsistent. He also seems to draw a lot of material from comments made by his fans. I'm just glad I wasn't drinking anything when he started to describe himself as an empath!!😅

[@devochkadee]

@@francescalittle 😆

[@_crusoe]

In the show, Cole definitely didn't seem like someone walking around with the weight of others feelings on his shoulders. More like someone slightly oblivious.

[@hotchacolate2]

LMAOOO right!

[@Constantin9va]

Yeah, what’s the opposite of an “empath” lol.

[@ms-corleone]

Amen!!!

[@GreenJewelLights]

I think he goes into a “clown” role a bit. I think he actually seemed pretty sensitive to other people’s bad moods and tried to cheer them up with jokes and silliness.

[@Deedster007]

Factssssss

[@dariasmeh]

Seems like what Cole means by being an empath isn't that he absorbs or takes on other people's issues, it's that he gets hurt by other people's hurt feelings and doesn't tell them he gets hurt. He is hurt that he disappoints another person and finds it hard to tell them he is hurt when he disappoints them and also to call them out if the other person is being sarcastic or holding a grudge/having a chip on their shoulder when communicating their feelings as Zanab seemed to on LiB.

[@showorchid2641]

Yes this was my understanding as well when I watched the entire conversation.

[@MsJeanneMarie]

I gotta be honest, the term “empath” annoys me. It sounds a bit self important to label yourself as more empathic than most other people. Most people have empathy for others.

[@InThisEssayIWill...]

Every single one I have met wears it like a badge of honor 🙄 😑

[@eh1126]

Hahaha yeah….that and the words “manifest” + “energy” told me everything I need to know about the type of new age-y “therapist” that Cole must be seeing lol And you can kinda see Dr H’s skepticism also lol 0:37

[@Xeus86]

100 percent agree You don’t have to say what you are to be it , but if you say it enough everyone else may believe it Truth is most people who think they are an “empath “ don’t put the self in other peoples shoes and truly sympathize with that person , they are more obsessed of picking up random “waves of emotions “ from others like a psychic

[@RenayOpish]

Yes- ‘I am special!!’ Well yes, but not for that reason.

[@meredithadams9468]

Those of us who use that term correctly mean that we FEEL other peoples energy and are affected by it more than most. For example, I am a therapist and consider myself a sensitive person . I learned the term empath and it seemed to fit me before it became a hot term. One example of how it shows up is that I really can’t watch scary movies/horror movies because I have too much empathy. It affects me deeply . I’d like to think some empaths use the term as a way to find community amongst others like myself that felt misunderstood as a child. It’s not always a good thing.. as a matter of fact it can be very inconvenient and challenging (staying in relationships longer than one should, having difficulty setting boundaries, etc). Like anything, there is a “normal” amount of empathy in a bell curve that most people have, and then there are outliers (people with zero empathy and people with high empathy/high sensitivity/HSP’s)

[@thebowandbullet]

Re. empath: Something I noticed (and is supported by research, if I remember correctly from my studies), most people tend to overestimate how much they understand others' psychology. I suspect this at least in part explains the popularity of people self-proclaiming being empaths. For those of us who actually studied psychology, we understand how much more complex people are and how little we can know by simply observing them.

[@jeans0130]

I think when he says about he's only responsible for his own energy is that, if someone's reaction/feeling about him is negative, he's not accountable for that person's feelings but he can certainly acknowledge the other person's feelings and have a conversation about it instead of just ignoring it like an elephant in the room or blame himself for their reaction.

[@hopesnvts6027]

I really appreciate the conversation about empathy in terms of trauma. My major trauma happened during my first year of life. My mother was an alcoholic with an unsupportive boyfriend and from what I've been told, I was taken away from them because they were fighting so severely that it wasn't safe for me to be there anymore. While all this was going on, every weekend I would go to my grandparents - where I had my grandpa who was really attuned to me.. But then, of course, I'd be taken back "home". This has really impacted me in so many different ways today. I feel like I've had to mature / be aware of other's much faster than anyone else my age. Do you think even a baby as young as a few months old could attempt to have the same level of awareness? (today my mum's only a 3, she's turning into a 7, dad's an 8, i think i'm going home now... i think i'm going to my grandparents now)

[@InThisEssayIWill...]

Something I think might be possible is that people confuse hyper vigilance for being "an empath". I think these are people who, likely through childhood trauma or neglect have been conditioned to intensely scrutinize their interactions and often feel the need to soothe any turbulence they encounter. I am.. not an emotional or expressive person and the number of times that people (who self identify as empaths) have decided they can "see how upset I am" or some such nonsense is frankly quite telling. Like please stop trying to dictate my own emotions to me, when I have one I'll let you know.

[@InThisEssayIWill...]

Lol I paused it right before he talks about the childhood trauma aspect..

[@nanablooms]

Um, this resonates with an experience I've had. Thank you for sharing!

[@alexmarie9131]

I think that Cole’s reaction to the question of whether or not he regrets doing the show is one the things that most pulled me towards his “side” in the reunion. Zanab says Cole “destroyed her” but she regrets nothing 🤨… that seems off. But Cole saying he regrets doing the show if he really hurt her like that seemed genuine; and it doesn’t make him seem like the abuser she painted him out to be.

[@_crusoe]

Maybe it "destroyed" her while it was happening, but she doesn't regret it because the whole process and advice/therapy she sought out after filming has helped her?

[@violett874]

@@_crusoe The difference is one says they were destroyed but doesn't show it, the other doesn't say it but clearly shows it.

[@rachelleeden8824]

Don't get me wrong, I love the whole video, but my like was directly for the "yellow don't mellow" 😂

[@Peacefull333]

Same!!!!! Dr H is so discreetly hilarious! We much protect him at all costs

[@triciat2855]

Thanks very much for this discussion on 'empaths'. The term has always annoyed me for the reasons Dr. Honda outlined. That being said, I do I identify as someone is quite a bit more aware of my environment and the different emotions, responses, etc that circulate in a room because of my childhood. Growing up with a very young mother (15 yrs at my birth) who had what I believe were two undiagnosed personality disorders, as well as being an alcoholic (it developed over the years, but was full blown by the time I was in middle school), I learned to read a room at a young age. But I just want to register my experience of growing up with an alcoholic that I think might resonate with others. My mother actually became a nicer person when she drank. It was really the only time we saw her smile or laugh. It was her hang-overs and the need to be sober during the day whether for work or doing errands, care for family, etc. that made her into a rage machine. She prided herself on never having a drink before 5 pm, so if you could avoid any contact with her before that hour, it was best, but there was always the risk that her drinking over the course of each evening would also bring up less happy feelings and memories and she would launch into temper tantrums, crying jags, etc., but drinking usually put her in a better mood. As Dr. Honda suggested, it was all about observing and evaluating the situation and what had happened earlier that day, who she had talked to, how bad her hang-over that morning had been, etc. to know how things were going to go and what times you should leave the house or go into hiding. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I married and had children with someone with the exact same patterns. Divorced now, but it was hell and I exposed my children to exactly what I had grown up with. If I have one regret in life, it is that. I wasn't able to stop the pattern of abuse that has plagued my family for generations.

[@helloitsmezappa9054]

You became part of my morning routine, I can’t complain❤

[@alexmarie9131]

Presumably if you’re not a psychopath, then you’re an empath. Is that it? So asking “are you an empath?” is really just a fancy way of asking, “so, do you have feelings, bro?” 😅

[@sophielesher8002]

this is so true!! makes so much sense for me. my mother was an alcoholic growing up and i definitely learned the “scale”. even when she’s at like a “1” and no one else would’ve guessed she had a half a drink I can like hyper sense it. (and then was gaslit saying no she didn’t until the truth comes out that yeah she did a little) crazyyy

[@randigibson3565]

Thank you for these, I learn a lot from you!

[@andra9601]

My dad’s an alcoholic so I’m really attuned to other people’s emotions but it was harder for me to become attuned to my own emotions (due to the traumatic upbringing). I feel like that’s the flip side of what it means to be an “empath”.. at least for me, if being an empath means to be highly attuned to other people’s emotions due to having been through trauma. I wonder what was it that made Cole “an empath”, if he is one. He never said anything about his own trauma, but that doesn’t mean that he hasn’t had any or that he wasn’t abused growing up. From what I could see, I think for sure, he could have some serious religious trauma.

[@sarahyarmuth267]

I used to work with a person who was a self proclaimed empath. I’m not saying she didn’t feel deeply, even to an overwhelming point; but she would say things like “I was driving through a neighborhood, and I felt the energy of a woman in a home who had just lost her child” like … how? How could she know that?

[@andianderson3017]

I’m really super sensitive to when people’s emotions shift positive or negative. I may not know exactly what they are, unless I know an individual well enough to know what’s normal for them. But I KNOW when something I said or did causes a shift and if it’s bad I am a wreck. Of course I can use this to be empathetic and kind, but younger immature me mostly used it to fix, placate, or get away as fast as possible. I DID NOT WANT IT. I was so easily hurt by judgement and felt so responsible for other’s feelings it was terrifying to me. I think that can be worked into the skill of empathy, and that’s where I think this empathy nonsense derails. Highly sensitive is more useful. It doesn’t automatically mean you do mature or kind things with the information you’re receiving. I get him on that. It IS overwhelming and it IS good to know. I so appreciate the note on differentiation. But calling it empathy is a mistake. That’s the potential. Cole has to actually work to get there and from what he’s saying, he maybe can with time.

[@dawnjpeterson]

Respectfully, I don’t think he was saying that he goes to people and says, “Your bad feelings aren’t my problem.” Coming from a religious upbringing, it seems like the therapy triggered a Matthew 18 response-Which is basically if you have a problem with someone go directly to them. I think he’s saying he’s clearing the air as to not carry the issue further. Might be his problem or theirs, but I can tell you the vague phrasing reminds me of religious responses. It’s intended to avoid putting blame on either person because once it’s dealt with it’s done . So if he’s carrying the emotional weight of upset with another person, then the therapist and his religion say go clear it so there’s no more weight on you. If the therapist is saying he’s an “empath” that’s usually accompanied by poor boundaries, right? Again coupled with religion (Christian) which tells people they should lay down their life for others and forgive endlessly, he could be letting people cross his boundaries and not tell them the issue. Having an upbringing that seems similar to his, there’s just some nuance that jumps out to me and may not to others. 🤷🏻‍♀️… But as you say, we can’t know 😂

[@lotusflower1717]

Great job Doc!

[@ewajackowska4115]

If Cole was such an empath he claims to be he would have sensed the tension in the cuties scene and dialed down. If he was such an empath he would have felt Zenab's insecurity around food and he would not joke about it

[@kelsiet7373]

Was looking for this comment lol. I don’t claim to be an empath but it was very obvious to me that she was stand-offish during that entire scene and he didn’t once ask if she’s okay.

[@ewajackowska4115]

@@kelsiet7373 yes! Agree! Zenab was obviously not ok and holding something inside every time they interacted with each other on camera and he was just.... Triggering her? All the comments were in the same tone, and if he was an empath he claims to be he would have ditched it the 1st or 2nd time the joke didn't land

[@violett874]

I'm sending some hostility in this comment

[@ahbadafoo]

In addition to being raised by addicted or narcissistic parents and developing codependency or hypervigilance for other peoples emotions, there are also three genes that have been termed the highly sensitive person genes. They exist in over 100 species and one in five humans and are an adaptive trait as long as HSPs remain a small portion of the population. These genes are associated with a sweet of symptoms including overstimulation to sensory input such as visual (violence/crowds) or auditory (loud noises), or smells to the point where you get anxious around certain stimuli. You also are hyper aware of not only other peoples needs and emotions to the point where you may take them on yourself but you are also extremely aware of your environment in general and notice small changes that others might not. They have a deep internal world reflecting and ruminating constantly. They’re also extremely detail oriented and goal driven. If you have these genes and are raised in the family of origin contexts you mentioned, the effect of the family was much louder for that child and it is likely that they will carry much more pronounced issues with them into adulthood.

[@tsp9535]

I thought the phrase would be “Asian don’t raisin” but I like Dr Kirk’s phrase too 14:26

[@lololololauren]

So glad you addressed this “empath” label. The first time I heard it was on an episode of The Bachelorette. I was like …. Not sure if this is science / a real thing 😅 interestingly I’ve only heard the term thrown around on reality tv shows.

[@poponachtschnecke]

I feel like the term empath usually gets thrown out there as an excuse for bad behavior, or a circumstance to request special treatment. I wish people would people would find other language to get their needs met, it feels like it denies the emotional experience of others.

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

I think I've met one person in my life who called themselves an empath who was actually a very kind and caring person. I actually feel bad to her because the worst men are drawn to her like a moth to a flame. Everyone else who I've met that calls themselves that are always major fucking assholes lol

[@jclyntoledo]

Can't relate, I'm not around anyone who calls themselves an empath. I've heard ppl say they try to be empathetic but most ppl aren't even good at that sooo 😂😂.

[@jclyntoledo]

@@Aaron-kj8dv Yeah I was going to say I've heard the term use more when it's about an unhealthy dynamic usually where the other person is supposedly a narcissist or sociopath (usually the personality disorder is attached to it).

[@couch_philosoph3325]

Your comment about enpath often time being more of a trauma response is so true. When i considered myself an empath because i did so much for others it was a trauma response because i had never learned to express my needs. Heck to this day i am not sure what my needs even are. Being an "empath" really was not good for me. I dated a guy 3 years ago that had a burn out. I was compasisonate and helped him. It was at the beginning of covid so his son was home and needed schooling. I helped with housework, cooking, schooling all the while not being able to express that i wanted a real relationship and not this inbetween thing. Of course once he got better he broke up with me. Now 3 years later he has thanked me for having helped him at the low point of his life, but to me these are not happy memories. I completely abandoned myself and my needs to help someone else. That is not healthy. So really, i think many empaths have never learned that you do not haave to abandon yourself all the time to be compassionate.

[@QurVgn]

Yes!

[@Lenastar23]

You are correct, I identify as an 'empath' but exactly in the way you describe. What you are describing is the definition of an empath

[@stellannie86]

I still don't know what the heck is "an empath" even supposed to mean. o__0

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

Don't worry, the people who call themselves that don't know either lol

[@jclyntoledo]

Someone who feels everyone's feelings tenfold.

[@crondawn7961]

Drizzling … California right now 💚💚💚

[@SparklySara16]

Haircut looks good 👍🏻

[@thebowandbullet]

"Carrying energies"? "Needing to manifest"? Sounds like woowoo, not professional therapy. I can only hope this terminology is his own interpretation.

[@Constantin9va]

Anyone calling themselves an “empath” as if that is a quality unique to them and a special few, is truly telling the rest of us that they are a narcissist. Poor Cole.

[@QurVgn]

Wow. 🙄🥺

[@hayleyb467]

so someone who says they're an empath is actually a narcissist?! what the heck😕

[@Dauerglotzer123]

Is there any data to proove empaths exist. Im highly doubtful but thay could be due to the kinds of people ive seen who label themselves as that.

[@jclyntoledo]

Well there is a such thing as a dark empath.

[@MsJeanneMarie]

I mean if being an empath means you have empathy for others than yeah, empaths exist but they’ve always existed and they’re not special because most people are empathetic.

[@irenalovesart4064]

This is also the case between children and parents. Taking on the shame of their pain

[@Livinginthegrayarea]

I think what he sees as empathy, is him “losing his form of personality”, when he has to “dim his light” for others. He did seem to change to meet Zeynab on her level. I tend to do that a lot as a woman. I can be overly empathetic to someone’s shit. Codependent tendencies don’t have to be consistent. Sometimes parts of ourselves can be more empathetic or less. 🤷🏻‍♀️❤️

[@madsylen1483]

Interesting conversation, for me "Empaths" are highly sensitive people, absorb other people's emotions, mostly introverted, needs alone time, can become overwhelmed in intimate relationships and perhaps even delusional thinking that other people's emotions, thoughts and feelings are their own. It's not healthy and it's not positive and has little to do with generally feeling empathy for others.

[@chium2383]

WHAT DO U THINK ABOUT THE ALLEGATIONS AGAINST BETTER HELP????? :(

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

I don't really buy what Cole is saying. So he's so extremely empathetic but he can't pick up on Zainab's pretty obvious passive aggressiveness? I'm definitely NOT an empath but if I was sitting with someone having lunch and Zay was sitting at the table next to us I'm 100% sure that when she left I'd turn to the person and go "Didn't you get weird vibes from that girl who was just here?" She just radiates bad energy like a nuclear reactor. All I saw all season was someone who is very self absorbed, not a bad person, but someone who doesn't really consider others before he speaks.

[@MsMckenzie2011]

This! If I were at lunch with zay I would literally pickup on the insecurity and be there trying to make her feel good about herself😩😩

[@MsMckenzie2011]

(Not saying this would be the right thing to do but an empath would just instantly pickup on what’s going on or pick up that somethings off)

[@ohisee9173]

He noticed from day one but, ironically, I'm pretty sure he took it as her not liking him. At that dinner when he kinda blew up, he told her that her bad attitude was an every day thing. And we saw her go after his character, things she initially said she loved about him. She told him that he should know she doesn't listen to him because he breaks out in song (which wasn't even relevant because he did not do that, he was having a genuine conversation with her about wedding plans) after we saw her gush over that very thing in the pods. If he took her attitude as "she doesn't like me being honest, she doesn't like my personality", it kinda makes sense that he was stuck in a weird defensive reassuring state.

[@eh1126]

I’m pretty sure he picked up on it. It always seemed like he did and then he would ask Zanab if anything was wrong/what’s wrong/is everything okay. Usually she would deny anything was wrong and then he would just brush it off. I think that’s why towards the end he was extremely confused about hearing one thing but sensing another. Im not saying he’s an “empath” or believe that’s even a thing but I do think he picked up on her passive aggressiveness as it was pretty obvious.

[@jennyyyy189]

He picked it up so late though And only when it was hitting him in the face, he was asking are you being passive aggressive lol Doesn't really seem like an empath to be this oblivious to your partners feelings

[@BitterSweetCoffee3]

There was period of time when the Internet was romanticizing the word "empath". It is characteristic from hell if you experienced it. The remedy is always to fill your cup first.

[@crondawn7961]

💚💚💚

[@Bec_loves_Jesus]

There is a lack of humility in these contestants that annoys me, I guess reality shows do attract people with narcissistic traits.

[@LeandroVelez7]

If most of us are empaths doesn't that render the term meaningless? Personally, I've never liked the term empath. Everyone claims to be an empath now a days. How much of it is being an empath as opposed to just having an undiagnosed personality disorder? Or attachment disorder? Or undiagnosed anxiety disorder? That seems a lot more likely than some nebulous term of "empath."

[@sandramorryssa]

Dr. Honda. I'm disappointed in you. It's "Asian don't raisin" 😂🤣

[@hollyblair5778]

He's not responsible for other people's emotions seems like in direct correlation to how Zay absolutely made him responsible for her emotions and reactions. It seems like she wanted him to win the game (of her feelings) without him knowing he's playing the game.

[@goaliechick149]

Whoooo!

[@emiluontube-you]

Day 12 of asking Dr Honda to watch Change Days on Netflix 🥰

[@jmorphiscave]

Drizzle.

[@dfgvskkg7085]

First!

[@Tyda777]

14:25 it's "asian don't age" yellow🫤