My Fundamentalist Mom Is Furious I'm Moving Out Says I'm Making The Biggest Mistake r/Relationships

[@someoneelse4710]

One minute in and the mother sounds WAY too dependent on her daughter, to a detrimental extent. Emotional crutch, parentification, the whole shebang.

[@swearimnotarobot3746]

I’m guessing it’s because she’s a girl, and that’s why she was given so much of the caregiver responsibilities and so on.

[@khrishp]

The moment I ever hear anyone describe themselves or others as mature for their age, that is a massive red flag of either major sudden trauma as a child or consistent low level trauma like parentification. Being mature for your age is not a good thing, kids should be allowed to be kids. You can be an adult when you're an adult.

[@amandab8433]

I also Homeschooled (Secular) my three children from K-12, and last one is now a Junior at UC Berkeley. Over the years I've belonged to several Homeschool Groups, and most of them were run by Fundamentalists/Quiverfull where a "Small" family was six kids or less. The daughter's were expected to care their younger siblings, and trade off said siblings on a monthly basis. It was heartbreaking to see these girls, starting at age five, basically being Mommies in the family. The boys didn't have to do the same. If a girl complained she would have senior women and men in the church "Teach" her to be a Godly woman. As an outsider I was told many times to mind my own children, and basically STFU. The girls would be paired off to youngish men in the community at age 15. She would have to be taught by the women in his family how their household was run. So she'd know what is expected of her once she marries. By the way we live in "Liberal" San Francisco Bay Area.

[@LunaP1]

​@@swearimnotarobot3746her mom is female yet she puts all the responsibility on a child.

[@LunaP1]

​@@amandab8433what a bunch of unhinged cultists. Parentifying 5 yrs like a tiny child would know how to do any of that and these same psychos don't care that a child should just be a child.

[@AshlessChaps]

"Mature for your age" just means you had to grow up faster than everyone else. Its not a good thing, its an advantage, but it costs too much

[@swearimnotarobot3746]

I took it as something creepier. Fundamentalists treating a child like an adult. That’s not a door I want opened.

[@AshlessChaps]

@@swearimnotarobot3746 Im a male so the predatory behavior I experienced was much different, but yeah now that you point it out that's even more horrifying

[@vykcryptid]

This it means you were adultified or parentified

[@khrishp]

Mature for your age just means that you've had to deal with far more trauma than you should as a child. It only feels like an advantage to those who dealt with it because you yourself are fine and you've been able to use that trauma for your advantage, but it doesn't mean it's a good thing.

[@Emi_TheWinged]

@@khrishp she thinks she was mature for her age, doesnt mean adults didnt look at her like and adult and did weird shit

[@MsUnamusedNerd]

STORY 2: I heard this on TikTok. I find an absolutely ridiculous how this woman feel so entitled to OP feeding her kids. And her threatening legal action was hilarious. “hello Officer, my roommate is putting extra servings of vegetables in her dishes and not leaving my kid with anything to eat…. No it’s not her kid. It’s my child and she’s starving him….. what do you mean eyes should be the one to feed and take care of him if he doesn’t like her cooking? She’s the one cooking so she should be the one feeding him. Let me speak to your manager!” 😂😂😂😂

[@GMAMEC]

That mother is definitely entitled. Along with food programs, buying practical grocery items is a start. Most rotisserie chickens are cheaper than buying an uncooked chicken. From that chicken it could be stretched to make 3-4 meals by making a potato casserole chicken salad, Alfredo, rice dish etc. Adding inexpensive veggies would be even better.

[@julias2855]

The Manager 😂😂😂😂😂☠️

[@yvonnefobbs6232]

Story #1: Your mom is mad that her free babysitter is leaving! She's mad that you're no longer under her thumb! She's guilt tripping you!! She made you grow up too fast! You were the financial consultant, marriage counselor, teacher, maid and therapist!! Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm!! Live your life and don't look back!

[@miminana-hd6nf]

classic parentification, so common in large fundamentalist families. OP needs to look forward and leave it all behind her. Her mother is so toxic

[@lynnw7155]

Mom certainly put too much burden on OP's shoulders. I wonder what OP thought would happen when she told her mother she was moving in with her boyfriend. I saw the reaction coming from the first paragraph.

[@DrownedInExile]

Glad OP went NC. But I learned the hard way, toxic people don't change. They just get better at fooling you. OP needs to be very careful about re-establishing contact.

[@Iflie]

That's how they are told to raise them, the duggars did that too, they make the oldest girl do all the mothering while the actual mother pops out more babies and talks about how great having a big family is. The church is shaming the mother for not keeping her daughter in line. Dad is more unusual than the mom.

[@robertx8020]

@@Iflie tbh they most likely did that the mother too when she was young ..not saying that makes it ok but we can know where she came from...

[@victorvaldez8869]

Story Two: Frankly OP's roommate sounds like she should be THANKING her for adding vegetables in, (despite having agreed to not steal her food,) because her family's diet sounds terrible.

[@fallingawayfromthenorm]

Story 2 - The mom needs to figure out alternatives because while OP doesn’t seem like she would do anything about this situation like contacting the landlord over repeated food theft; if she keeps stealing food from those in the same household and blowing up on them when they find ways to prevent her from doing so when they, TOO, don’t have unlimited funds, what will happen if OP ever moves out? Will she and her child starve because they can’t afford any other food? Will they get evicted because the next tenant feels unsafe with someone who blows up when they confront the food theft issue?

[@CrimsonAngelWinges]

Honestly it sounds like OP should seriously consider reporting the roommate to CPS or their local equivalent.

[@EarlBaldbear]

Story #1: since the mother is kicking out the daughter, how she will "get along" without the daughter is HER problem. Don't feel guilty about doing what it right for you.

[@clarabp2613]

She has 5 sons and a husband that probably do nothing of housework and a church which preaches about helping the people in need but won't help her just shame her for not keeping her daughter in line. Just a supposition but something tells me I'm right.

[@Hope_this_is_just_a_dream1994]

The mom in the last story needs to budget her money better. Buy fresher foods, or value packs. if she has the time to stomp around and throw a fit over what op puts in HER food, she has the time to sit and make a plan as to what she can afford vs what she can't. Pre prepped foods and microwaved food will cut into your budget everytime. She has a kid, she needs to be more responsible.

[@Dina-lc4bt]

Vegetables, dry beans, and rice are cheap.

[@Hope_this_is_just_a_dream1994]

@@Dina-lc4bt oh yes! Thank you for saying that. And they are easy to keep stocked. 😁

[@One.DeSanctis.]

Are "home economics" and wood working no longer compulsory classes around age 11? We learned to cook and sew. I repair my clothing. I feel for those people MN claims have no role models showing them how they can live a better life than; cold Mac and cheese and sushi from the grocery. I thought the UK had an excellent schooling scheme. Don't the youth get trade training if not on an academic track? Well, if someone cannot focus enough to learn what class is teaching, then that is a problem.

[@Plaprad]

@@One.DeSanctis. Not sure about anywhere else, but most schools in the US have gotten rid of them years ago. My cousin was in Home Ec in high school twenty years ago and had to deal with other parents telling her she needs to drop out because "That class is sexist and just teaches women they belong in the kitchen." Never mind half the class was male and most of the women had good jobs lined up when they graduated.

[@recycledapathy7411]

Hell, if she's on a food benefit program (like SNAP and the like), the smart thing would be to ask OP, "Hey, would you have a problem with it if we grocery shopped together? I could use my benefits to buy a lot of food, and then you could chip in for the rest. Then we could all share meals." Because I know from experience that feeding three people on one budget is a lot easier than feeding two on one budget and one on another, financially speaking. Especially if you don't have to rely on pre-prepared meals and the adults know how to cook.

[@jackwatt8988]

"my mom and i have always had a very close relationship. she tells me everything, I am her only daughter, her confidant since I was a small child ( telling me everything from financial troubles to having issues with my dada/brothers, etc)" - that's not good. "her pride has always been that I have always been very mature for my age" - yes, because OP's mom has unhealthy boundaries with OP. OP essentially wasn't allowed to just be a kid.

[@paulagoeringer9466]

Her mom needs to get her own friends and stop leaning so hard on her daughter. That's not healthy for either of them.

[@condorboss3339]

As this was a Fundamentalist family (homeschooled, no less), I'm guessing the mother was 'preparing' OP to be a "Good, SAHM mother, like women are meant to be."

[@magnarcreed3801]

Financial isn’t an issue to tell. Good to keep kids in the loop

[@WolfgangDoW]

This is called emotional incest and is a form of child abuse

[@bangeryun94]

That is standard practice is fundamentalist families.

[@iononcantomascrivo]

The food stealing mom is so entitled. I used to know someone like this. She receive child support from her ex-husband as well as monetary support from the government. Sure she blew it on stupid stuff like getting her hair done, her nails done, making sure she always had a full pack of cigarettes and booze in the fridge. Her children. Be damned. At least she had fresh highlights. It's the important things that matter, right? I think it goes without saying, OP needs to find a new roommate.

[@beatapogorzelska1241]

Her thinking was quite logical-thanks to highlights she had some chance to hunt a new sucker.

[@iononcantomascrivo]

@@beatapogorzelska1241 she actually had a husband who worked very hard to support her, their son and his stepdaughter. She just always lived outside her means. In the time that I knew her, she lost two homes to foreclosure and was evicted from three others. The woman's a hot mess.

[@dragonstooth4223]

The food one ... why doesn't the single mom contribute to making bulk meals so they can share the meals.

[@judyjohnson9610]

That's kind of the downside to having roommates. It seems that they don't want to pool resources and time and eat together. If you asked a bunch of single people what's hard about living alone, you would get a lot of 'eating by myself'. But conversely, there's much to be said for only having to please yourself lol

[@AndyyWithAY]

The mom in story 2 sounds like she's missing a brain. What part of what OP's been doing makes her think she's going to get any of OP's food? This is a her problem. I wonder if OP can call CPS. This woman is definitely unfit. She needs to learn how to cook. You can make great meals on the cheap if you know how to cook. You can learn how to cook pretty much everything for free on KZbin

[@PrincessQ-fj9ly]

I agree with you. OP might wanna consider calling CPS. This entitled mom clearly is unfit to raise a child. 😒

[@kaykay8855]

@@PrincessQ-fj9lyI was thinking that too, because the mom is receiving government assistance, and she’s not using it to buy groceries that will last for a while.

[@tranquility1967]

And a simple KZbin search will teach her how to cook. And she needs to stop hating veggies

[@jacobsmith1997]

Casserole life

[@kaykay8855]

@@tranquility1967 if she was reasonable person or a decent mother, she would.

[@marieboschman1311]

Honestly I think classes should be done in high school on house management. Like how to budget and how to cook some simple meals

[@mbyerly9680]

I took a few in the early 70s in middle school. US.

[@judyjohnson9610]

@@mbyerly9680 but they have cut a lot of that out. I am about the same age but already learned a lot at home before those classes

[@sharontalladira]

Yes they need to bring back home economics and the auto mechanic classes.

[@Laura-it2zb]

Life skills that cover the basics

[@CrimsonAngelWinges]

​@@sharontalladiraYep and they both need to be mandatory. I also think in order to graduate kids should have to have a job for 6 months to a year.

[@briansmaller7443]

that is not food poverty,. That is poor choices.

[@Tijggie82]

I once heard someone say 'setting boundaries is a form of love and respect. It means they WANT you to be around. People can simply leave, but if they set boundaries, they tell you "this is the space I need, let's respect each other and be friends".'

[@JasperCatProductions]

Story 2 her financial struggles aren’t your problem. I don’t get why people think it’s ok to take others food. Then she is mad? That’s nuts!

[@carolroberts4614]

I can't believe that some of the redditers said why doesn't she make extra for them! Who these days can afford to feed two extra people? Especially a young lady on her own like op? Who are these people that have that much money to spare? And I'm willing to bet that they're the ones who don't put anything in the food bank either.

[@vykcryptid]

Stiory 1: As a recovering child therapist in that I was USED as a free therapist as a child by my mum who thought this kind of emotional incest was a sign of her beign a good mum and not emotionally immature; congratulations on your freedom! and I am so happy for you , please do therapy about it because it may show up in other friendships/relationships and you need to ungroom and retrain yourself from being an emotional support for your own guardian / feeling like you exist to serve others at expense to your own mental health Story 2: NGL it sounds like she's starving/ neglecting her own kid and needs CPS to visit and tell her that feeding her kid is HER responsibility as a parent if she wants to keep custody- I'd first try reaching out to her ( the mother's) family to ask them why they aren't helping her as the kid is hungry all the time and stealing your food becasue his mum is REFUSING to feed him and lying about not being able to a fford to & you are concerned for his well-being & if that money is going on gambling/drugs etc or if she needs help budgeting first maybe they'll be able to help .... I feel so bad for that kid the OP sounds like they're being more of a parent to him than his own lazy neglectful theif of a mother. Also her having a tantrum; yelling screaming banging cupboards in front of her kid & OP to "punish" OP for not letting her steal their food is literally Domestic violence and should be reported again for the kids safety- It was silly to OP but to that kid it would have likely been traumatic seeing his mum 'lose control ' & going on a rage rampage -my dad used to do similar things and it did absolutely give me trauma as a kid even though his physical violence was usually restrained to objects not people it's still violently threatening to be loudly banging cupboards and doors and plates around in anger to scare people like that. IDK I would be looking for a different living situation myself it seems liek she's just decided that the OP is her co-parent because they live together which HAS to be confusing for the poor kid & again to me is a sign she isn't a safe guardian if she just pawns him off on ANY other adult around regardless of how well she knows them just because she can't be assed being a mum

[@paulagoeringer9466]

Yes. It's horrifying how many people think that their kid is everyone's problem. It's traumatizing for the kid as well as confusing.

[@katwatson2414]

I'm loving the image of OP from story two just looking at her as she says 'my son hates mushrooms!' and then just dumping them in while maintaining eye contact

[@robertgann742]

Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together, it was a really bad phase but we got through it.

[@robertgann742]

@josephregland its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.

[@robertgann742]

@josephregland kindly look her up online and you won't regret it.

[@ronbeyak9886]

When the mother lost her mind OP should’ve told her. “How can you lose something that you never had in the first place. OP is not her emotional support creature.

[@PrincessQ-fj9ly]

I'm not even a minute in, and I'm convinced that OP's mother is controlling, selfish and even abusive. And Parentification is clearly at work here. Poor OP. 😢 What was even worse is that her dad and brothers seem to genuinely be on board with OP moving in with her boyfriend. I can't help but feel if OP's mother is mentally ill. Either way, OP needs to go and live her life and her mother needs massive help. (⁠٥⁠↼⁠_⁠↼⁠) After all: I'm so happy OP is doing well. ❤ It's great that she's doing therapy too. And I think cutting contact was for the best. People like this don't usually change. I really hope OP continues to live her best life! (⁠✿⁠^⁠‿⁠^⁠)

[@hodgeelmwood8677]

One thing that upset me in that story is, where was dad when mom was using her daughter as emotional support? It's great that he's fine with OP moving in w/her BF, but it should've been HIM that mom confided in. If not him, then her adult female friends from church. Dad fell down on the job, though.

[@rebeccaabram2312]

@@hodgeelmwood8677 The remark about 'Shiny Happy People' tells me everything, in the Fundie World women do all the housework, women should not be dumping their problems on their husbands, women need to 'Stay Sweet' and in a household with only ONE other female around, she dumped on her daughter and parentified her to hell and back. Sadly common in that world.

[@geniej2378]

Story 2: there’s tutorials here on KZbin on how to grocery budget, how to cook easy dinners, even basics like how to cut an onion. The fact is this lady can see OP cooking and enjoys the leftovers, so the concept isn’t new to her. She could do the same. She’s letting her kid down

[@twillightfairy]

Something I'm not seeing about, Story 2 - mom's upset because of veggies and saying kid won't eat that, but what if mom's the one who not only won't eat veggies, but also was the reason OP had to put the veggies in their cooking to prevent theft?

[@American_Liberty]

I was a single mom pre youtube. I had classes in home economics in high school and jr. High. I had a tiny bidget for groceries and planned every week when the flyers came out about what we'd eat and clipped coupons. I went to 3 stores every week after work to shop those sales with my list for each store. We ate very well. I knew how to follow recipes. It is a very basic thing and i am so sad to see so many suffering right now. But there are tons of frugal recipes online that aren't crap food. Good, wholesome meals that can be made cheaply and with enough leftover in the budget to get a few extra pantry or freezer items each week. We really need this back in our cultures.

[@sxatcychan1988]

Story 2: OP shouldn't have tolerated roommate's immature behavior. She should have played dumb and ask "Why are you so butthurt about what I'm doing with MY food? You're not the one eating it."

[@k.a.4522]

#1, I walked away from the abusing parentificating parents as a late young adult. They were NOT fundamentalist at all but when I left Christianity after it caused me to have a mental breakdown, my mother lost it! I have not returned to it and never will, my eyes are too wide open now. The things your Mom did to you ARE ABUSE!!!!

[@danacarter9147]

I'm so sorry that happened to you.😔

[@brialapoint2608]

Relatable. Glad you are not returning to.Christianity. I made the same vow not to return to Christianity years ago. Still a non believer

[@k.a.4522]

@@brialapoint2608 The enormous lack of compassion for someone poor and without any true knowledge or understanding of the abuse I was suffering through at home , I was labeled and vilified. No one asked me why I couldn't get a job, instead they made judgements. Why couldn't I because my father would take the calls and tell them I was no longer interested. When I did find work despite his interference he would wait until I had been there a while and then call boss and tell them to fire me or he would ruin them (I didn't know this until I was in my late 30's. Had someone from that church actually cared enough to confront him, I know he would have been forced to leave me and my job alone; but instead I was labeled lazy by the church. The friends I did make there were 3 really steadfast ones never say the abuse because ny family was really good at hiding it. Then we get the jerk who ran the young adult group I was in who treated me like I was mentally defective. He had NO idea that my IQ was probably higher than his; he just didn't have any kind of reality about him and he was a Navy lawyer. I had started to have some serious medical symptoms but I was labeled by him, and thus nearly everyone else as a hypochondriac. Turns out those were the beginning signs that my hidden congenital defects were starting the march to ruin my life which didn't fully flower until I was an older adult. The two hardest things were no one stopping the teenagers from bullying me and the worst thing of all the youth minister told me, when I went to him about the sex abuse I had suffered as a child, that I probably asked for it. Really???? I WAS A BABY WHEN IT STARTED YOU STUPID M*^_÷×;$/@#R!!!!!!!!!!! So after my breakdown which was shortly after the conversation with that minister, I vowed never to return. You might ask why I didn't change churches; I did several times but things went no differently and I even tried changing denominations with no luck so I returned to what I knew until I couldn't take anymore but there is too much story ans like not enough space so take what you will. Also thank you for the validation.

[@ronbeyak9886]

When OPs mother asked who’s going to help,all she needs to say “everybody but me” OP has done enough.

[@Russman67]

Story 2: So Hold up. The roommate's children are eating the food and she has the audacity to get upset because OP added vegetables to HER food? That is so not on. It sounds like she would share if the roommate actually communicated about it. But she just thinks that OP is a live-in food bank. 🤦‍♂️

[@user-wr3vt8uq4s]

I would add that she's not "starving" if she can't stomach eating a vegetable. At least OP has a "simple life hack" to stop her entitled roommate from mooching.

[@ceceelizabeth527]

I just want to give the first OP a hug.

[@Somebody9666]

Story 2, I'm salivating over the description op give of the food she makes. That "mother" and kid are REALLY missing out on some real great food.

[@crowdemon_archives]

Mushrooms and meat!

[@ACCER]

I remember in early May of 2020, when the "situation" was at its worst. The stores were empty of food. FOOD.....not the ingredients....but ready made food. The first thing to go was the lunchables. I will never forget that. Second was the frozen pizzas. Then all of the frozen food stuff. But the raw materials for food, meat, flour, vegetables, beans...etc were still abundant and always were. I was contacted by a stranger via DM because I seemed nice. She was 20, stuck in a major city, and literally didn't know how to boil water. As in she thought if there was steam coming off of it, it was "boiling." This kid had never cooked anything in her life. Her parents never cooked.....they always ate out of brought fast food home. That was completely alien to me. I learned to cook from my mother who cooked all our meals (except on Sunday....dad did waffles/omelettes for brunch and grilled for dinner or made chili......you know, "dad" foods.) I found a video on KZbin and sent it to her so she could see what boiling water looked like. Then I sent her to the Food Wishes channel. Chef John has great recipes but he teaches HOW to cook, not just showing recipes. I'm still in touch with that girl. She's sweet, has learned to cook and discovered that she likes it. I get it. Some people don't like to cook/aren't good at it. It sounds like the woman in the last story is more along the lines of getting more expensive prepackaged foods instead of cooking healthier foods from scratch. Then gets mad when OP cooks from scratch and doesn't "share." There are so many ways around this issue but she refuses to entertain them and OP has done what she feels is best. I'm good with that. As for sneaking in veggies....well parents have been doing THAT forever and a day! Hell, my oldest was 12 before it dawned on her that salad was just raw veggies. We always has 1-2 cooked vegetables on the table along with salad........she had to eat at least some of the veggies......and the salad. She was nice enough to hit me with that when we were alone.....and didn't tip her sister off. It was another couple of years before it dawned on her sister.....rotfl. Oh well, they are both healthy, happy, have great eating habits.......and they both love salad!

[@annabethsmith-kingsley2079]

It doesn’t matter if the food thief and her child are “entitled” or “desperate”, they still have to buy their own food.

[@RevWarRev]

Entitled Food Stealing Roomate: OP owes drama mama NOTHING. Kid is NOT her responsibility. Let her get more support from the babydaddy, use food assistance programs more effectively, go to food pantries (as OP suggested) ask her family for help.

[@jenniferfoote5442]

Story 2: She 'was going to get the authorities involved'..What?? Like seriously, what would she even tell them?? What a lunatic!

[@gretchenmyers1279]

1st OP was definitely groomed to stay by mom's side forever. She needs therapy to get past the guilt

[@sarahchapman532]

It's always nice to hear Mark's thoughts on stories like the second one. Many people would not look at the situation with that kind of empathy and compassion.

[@nikkil.6338]

Side note on the food one. I lived in a low income apartment complex during the pandemic and some of our neighbors had kids and did not have enough to eat but weren't "laid off" (commission based) or just had hours cut. Anyways 1 single dad was struggling and did know where to find food so I went to 4 food pantry's for him and called a few others and all in all only got about 1 small bag of stuff. The pantries were all tapped (the churches too). He could get lunch for the kids by driving to the (closed) school daily, and he did, but nothing for him. I and another friend started making extra to send over so he made it through but we tried to look out for kids playing with the other kids that weren't getting fed and might need a snack or the extra pbj here and there. I grew up poor and it always made me feel better that I know where to get food if I need to but it hadn't occurred to me that food banks would be completely tapped.

[@owlbyovrprepared1128]

Great job being part of a positive and supportive community around you. These are the sorts of choices we could all make, given a little spare time and energy, to avoid being people like the thief mother who's stealing from another poor person.

[@nikkil.6338]

@@owlbyovrprepared1128 Thanks but I think most people would tighten their belt a little to help people they see see every day. It's just most the time everyone is so over whelmed with there own stuff they don't notice or know how to offer help w/o embarrassing the other person.

[@Cloudsonlover666]

Op1: You were parentified as a kid and should seek therapy if you can afford to. That's an abusive situation and not being her support system for everything when a grown adult tells you to forsake your boundaries means you tell them to hit the road and cut them off (ETA: Proud of you to have done this and hope this doesn't sound patronizing.)

[@Cloudsonlover666]

Op2: Threaten legal action for all the food theft she's been doing as her and her kid have been stealing from you

[@frostnovaomega1152]

Story 2: Thank you mark for giving that perspective at the end, it's a very kind and compassionate one! I gotta give my own perspective here though! I am disabled and struggle with disordered eating. I *know* how to cook, budget, eat healthy, but the problem is i often can't. For me it's a problem of willpower. I only get a little of it every day, some days more, some days next to none. I have to spend that willpower carefully on cooking, showering, shopping, all those necessary life tasks. Most days i don't have enough willpower to cook, so i depend on convenience food. I also have to spend willpower to make healthy food choices. If i run out of willpower and i spent all my money on cooking ingredients instead of convenience food, i usually end up ordering takeout and/or binge eating. Disordered eating also has a powerful grip on me. I have to constantly appease the food gremlin in my head. I often can't physically bring myself to eat certain foods, and can't stop myself from eating others. I have little control over it. But yeah all of this is to say: there's lots of potential reasons for why somebody might be acting in a dysfunctional or disruptive way. And we can't always tell from the outside

[@EllieC130]

Story 2: BLANK hates mushrooms?! Mate its not your fucking food. Why is this confusing?

[@spockezri]

imagine the toxicity of the friendship between first op's mom and second op's roommate lol

[@valeriejames4675]

"You're mature for your age." Thanks! The trauma and abuse forced me to be hyper vigilant around adults! 🙃

[@panicattheanimationstudio5673]

Story 1: right off the bat, at least from what I can see here, she was a victim of parentification and emotional incest. As someone who was also a victim of the same thing what the mother was doing was using her to fulfill the emotional needs that she didn't feel she was getting from her husband and instead was making it OP's problem

[@togatampubolon5948]

1. Her reluctant to make a distance to her mother comes from her being been deeply brainwashed from her mother and her community.

[@fangchick93]

I'm on disability but I'm never starving. I make sure to buy in bulk, I freeze cheese, meat and butter and get frozen veg. I have lots of rice, pasta and flour. It's about knowing what's cheap and what lasts.

[@messinalyle4030]

Story 1: The dad seems quite a bit more stable than the mom, aside from the fact that he still has Duggar-type beliefs to begin with. Actually, come to think of it, I wonder how knowledgable he was of how his wife treated their daughter and to what degree he might have enabled it. I wonder if he ever sought help for her, or if he just flapped his hand at her toxicity and said, "Psshh . . . women, right?"

[@Uthgardloki]

As someone who is and grew up under the poverty line, you stretched that dollar til Washington looked like a line, i dont eat veggies at all but i can budget my food better than that mom

[@heartabduction]

Yikes, its always rough when fundies are involved :/

[@rachelr4126]

Story 2... I don't want to sound condescending and maybe this is me coming from a background of always having/making home cooked meals so maybe it feels easier than it is but i just. I can never understand these people who say they can't cook ANYTHING. Like honestly, grab a box of pasta for a dollar, that'll last 2 people 2-3 meals, buy a bag of frozen veggies and a can of beans, literally toss them all together in a bowl and you have a solid meal for like 75 cents a serving, and really the most complicated part of that meal is boiling water.

[@kateworkman921]

The roommate, seeing OP putting mushrooms in OP's food: "Son hates mushrooms!!" Me, if I was OP: "Okay, and? It's not like this is for him."

[@nineblackgoats]

The mom had no reason to be proud. Her child wasn't mature, she was traumatized. So much so that it showed in her appearance. Premature ageing is a symptom of high stress. No parent should be proud of putting their child through that.

[@MorbidKat]

I know what you're saying, Mark. I grew up in that bread line situation and still have food issues. I cook every night, over feed my family, save left overs far too long, etc and I personally wouldn't be able to NOT feed that child but thats a me problem. 100% not on Op to do. You're right to bring up the generational food poverty issue though.

[@puli_dreadhead]

As soon as I heard the word confidant in a parent/child dynamic my brain went “oh no”

[@evaniaendellion6173]

Can we all please take a second to appreciate Mark's absolutely insane upload schedule?!!! I feel every time I touch my phone I have more content to watch ❤️❤️ Thank you Mark for the videos! x

[@babydoll8182]

I just watch to say that I love what you do!!! Listening to your stories get me through each day❤❤❤❤

[@kcsimon7876]

Mom in the second story could have asked for help to learn to cook. Mom could have also shared 1/2 her food stamps or money in order to be included in several meals per week. The mother is entitled and rude for not even asking for the food like the son was able to do.

[@mellodees3663]

Last story is nearly choosing beggars.

[@mykieg7779]

The first story, I felt like I could've written that post. Everything was on point. The mom is like my mom

[@happysheepies7321]

I hope you got away ❤

[@cats1900]

Seriously, OP needs to buy new fridge and lock it in the bedroom. I hate how entitled the mom is. I would refuse to feed them anything at that point.

[@swearimnotarobot3746]

I love that whenever I see a title with “fundamentalists”, or “evangelical Christians”, etc, you just know it’s going to be crazy. Also, @ 1:00, adults treating a 13 year old as an adult is just creepy. Although OP sounds like she managed to handle things amazingly despite her background. Also. OP being the girl in the family is probably why she was given all the caregiver responsibilities.

[@gillianjames-pinckney5664]

Last story: If OP wanted to be nice she could offer to cook if the mother buys food and maybe offers her something additional in exchange. However, since the mother stole and threw a tantrum, I don’t blame them if they just continue with what they are doing. Frankly, I wouldn’t do anything for that mother with an apology and a concerted effort to make amends.

[@TwiggyHetfield27]

"I'm her support and I feel so selfish" No. Your children aren't your friends, they're your children, no matter the age. If the mom needs support why doesn't she go to her own friends? My mother calls me her "best friend" and I always correct her. No, I'm your kid, not your friend. I don't want to or need to know some of the things you tell me. That's what your friends are for.

[@TheSwagger81]

Story 1: OP was abused as a child. Groomers at work

[@Batman-lg2zj]

There are no groomers here.

[@swearimnotarobot3746]

The way she was talking about her “being mature for her age” and people treating her 10 years older despite being 13. Fundamentalists treating a 13 year old like an adult, that’s a door that shouldn’t be opened. You were spot on with your observation.

[@TheSwagger81]

@@Batman-lg2zj unfortunately there was. You can hear it when OP said what she said about her mom having no one else. That’s grooming so she won’t leave.

[@morphinpink]

@@Batman-lg2zj Women in those cults are 100% groomed from childhood. They even marry underaged girls.

[@BlueSkyBS]

Story 1: Parentification trauma. Egg donor is absolute trash.

[@user-blob]

Agreed!!! The father is no better though. These religious types are toxic af.

[@paulastiles5507]

Story #1: Poor OP. She's been totally conditioned to believe only she can take care of her mother when the woman has a husband and several other kids to do it. Glad she got out. Story #2: While I understand what Mark is saying (here in the U.S., we call places where you can't get healthy, unprocessed food "food deserts"), but the reality is that not only is it not OP's duty to feed this mom and her child, but OP simply cannot afford to do so. And as a single person, they don't have access to nearly as many resources as Mom would if Mom would just get off her duff and go get them. Stealing OP's food is not okay. It's selfish and Mom needs to figure herself out before someone less kind than OP calls CPS. NTA.

[@danacarter9147]

Absolutely. If that crap show persists, OP Will have to get CPS (or a CPS equivalent): involved, and have her roommate's son placed in foster care.⚠️

[@faithlesshound5621]

Story#1: OP's family are religious fundamentalists, so for them it's God-given that only women can be care-givers, offer emotional support, etc and at the same time they have to be obedient to their elders. Her father and brothers are expected to be out herding sheep or wrestling with wolves.

[@ACAB.forcutie]

Story 1: be careful moving in with a man to escape a controlling home environment. The man is often no better, can be more dangerous, and harder to leave.

[@condorboss3339]

Good question. OP doesn't mention the BF's religion, but she does say she had distanced herself from her church. On a positive note, the update did say they'd been together for 4 months and that she was going for an advanced degree, so it doesn't sound like the BF is trying to isolate her.

[@ACAB.forcutie]

@@condorboss3339 yeah I don't think my warning applies in this case, thankfully, but even shacking up with a well meaning guy and you have your own job, things can go south. I do hope this is the exception to the rule 🤞

[@Nerdificent]

Story 1 has all the red flags of emotional incest, where a parent treats their child like an emotional spouse. This is very harmful as the child often has to parent their parent emotionally instead of the other way around. OP needs to realize she is not responsible for her mother's well being. Moving out will be the best thing for OP, and her mother will have to rely on herself instead of dumping her feelings on her daughter.

[@oldwoman5942]

I had a room mate who always ate my food and denied it. We were the only people in the house. She had her own kitchen in her basement suite but, due to a shared laundry she had access to my part of the house. She ate my food, leaving her dirty dishes everywhere, watched my tv, used my bathroom, spitting toothpaste all over the basin and counter, used my towels, expected me to do her laundry and much more. I owned the house so I finally called her parents who profusely apologized and moved her out. I put up with it for a month but it was too much!

[@melindaflick631]

Parentification IS a thing! An ugly thing.

[@kerribottriell-baxter7345]

Pausing when I heard "very mature for my age" ... gee... I wonder why that is...

[@bahnmi436]

Mom is putting the ‘mental’ back in fundamental.

[@FinnishLapphund]

Story 1: Have to admit that I can't recall that I've heard about any of the "Duggars, IBLP, Bill Gothard, Quiverfull etc" before, but judging by the story, I don't think I need to know more about them either.

[@floraposteschild4184]

S2: it's great to add vegetables to things, but rather than being passive aggressive to this lazy ungrateful woman, or being her unofficial food bank, tell her this roommate arrangement is not working and move them out. They are not your responsibility, you've done way more than most people would for them, and this situation is on the edge of becoming violent.

[@user-blob]

I agree.

[@DSWatsup]

2nd story the mother would be pissed if she tried eating my lasagna! I put spinach in it and you can't see it until you cut it.😅

[@restionSerpentine]

Shiny Happy People? The R.E.M. song? Probably not.

[@SouthernBell86]

Thanks for the wonderful videos you make Mark! I look forward to them everyday, your chuckles and waffling really brighten things up no matter what I'm doing - driving, cooking, cleaning, painting, walking etc.

[@sharyebethancourt3660]

S2: the roommates entitlement is insane! She needs to spend her money better and be a damn adult about greens.

[@cb9825]

Word "confidant" here means "mom emotionally unloaded on me with all the stuff a kid should not worry about" 🙄

[@dreamer5618]

I know how that child feels. I was raised by a single mom (widow). She couldn't cook and didn't know how to shop . By the end of the month we (five children) were out of food. It was hell smelling the neighbors cooking.

[@1tommyday]

This sounds like Jannette Walls story " The Glass Castle" Incredible albeit heartbreaking book with a humorous undertone. I highly recommend

[@LordGertz]

I remember living off of cup o noodle, bought on the cheap for almost two years. I willingly took food offered but never stole anyone's food. If it was something I didn't like, or didn't eat, I just said nothing or no thank you. When I got a bit financially better, but still not great, I remember going to the discount supermarket and making a big pot of boiled potatoes, carrots, onions, and cabage. I lived off that stuff a week at a time, swiching it up with suaces and condiments.. (Mustard, sweet chili sauce, soy, hot sauce)

[@morninggoblins]

With story 2, I understand that not everyone grew up with a parent that taught them how to cook, and I also understand sometimes people are too busy to devote time to making home cooked meals. That said, if you can read you can learn to cook. You can Google 'how to make pasta' or 'how to fry an egg' and there are thousands of tutorials on how to do those basic things. Recipes are just following directions. If there's a term you don't know you can look it up on the same device you're reading the recipe on. I honestly feel like it takes more energy to remain ignorant than it does to just figure out cooking basics

[@birb7353]

I understand your perspective, but her behavior may be the result of severe depression or other mental health issues and not just business or laziness. Depression can make simple tasks or any small change in routine feel overwhelming and impossible. When your normal is a continuous state of dispair, small burdens can push you over the edge. She might just feel too hollow and exhausted to function normally.

[@morninggoblins]

@@birb7353 I can understand that as well, I've been there. However, while having mental health struggles aren't an individual's fault, it is their responsibility to manage it. If she's in a situation where she needs additional help she needs to express that, not take someone else's food and put them in a difficult situation. Not gonna pretend like that's always easy, but it is necessary. Especially with kids involved

[@faithlesshound5621]

As a boy, I was not taught simple domestic skills of any description. At university I had to go to the city library to learn from a book how to boil an egg and make a cup of tea: at home cups of tea had appeared at random times throughout the day. I didn't even know how to light the toaster on the gas cooker. Decades later I heard at my mother's funeral that she had taught her friends' daughters how to cook our regional foods: not the sons.

[@morninggoblins]

@@faithlesshound5621 that's another dimension of issues like this that irks me, even if I don't have a lot of patience for adults who don't know basic life skills, it is a parents responsibility to teach their children how to be an adult, part of which includes knowing the basics of feeding and caring for yourself. While I'm sure your mom did it out of love, I'm sure you agree not teaching you how to make eggs was a disservice in the long run. Also that's fantastic that you got books from the library to learn, I imagine trying to learn that kind of stuff before Google was mainstream was WAY more of a pain

[@faithlesshound5621]

@@morninggoblins It certainly was! Most of the "how to cook" books assumed you were aiming to produce cordon bleu cuisine. The likes of myself relied on Katharine Whitehorn's slim volume "Cooking in a Bedsitter" which assumed you had a single gas ring and barely any pots and pans. It was also the fault of the schools: boys in my time learned basic woodwork & metalwork, while girls had needlework and domestic science. I have used my carpentry skills only a handful of times, whereas knowing how to sew on a button or darn a tear would have come in useful more often. It was partly my fault for not standing by the cooker and watching, but boys did not do that in the old days.

[@meimei51793]

17:41 you can’t even get ready to eat food with ebt if this story is in the us. (cooked chicken, sushi and cold mac) unless she also gets cash assistance and pulls it out from an atm and buys it that way but like you can get fresh produce snack foods frozen foods condiments etc. cash is for anything but mainly household goods cause u can’t get them with the food assistance. also for y’all who need, frozen veggies (like spinach or any mix) are a really easy and cheap way to get more nutrients in like mac n cheese or instant potatoes

[@mgen278]

Story 1: “I don’t want to talk to her, but I know I have to.” ….Um, no you don’t. Ever.

[@AngelaVEdwards]

Story 1: The mother forgets that her daughter is an adult and as such, has the freedom to choose for herself what she wants her life to be. I am a Conservative Christian. But I am also a Freedom Loving Patriot and I believe we all have the right to choose lives that make us happy. The "pursuit of happiness", so to speak. Mom needs to shut up and let her daughter choose her own life.

[@heatherdickau5335]

Story 1 The Amazon documentary Happy Shiney People is exactly what she is describing. It was like watching a train wreck. Horrible, but you can't turn away.

[@CarlottaHall]

I feel like many people don't know how fundamentalist Christian families work. ItIS black or white there. She has amazingly avoided the shunning that most individuals experience by this time in their life. Do watch shows like the Dugans shows and "Happy Shiney People" to get an idea of how the dynamic is.

[@LadyGoddessSephiroth]

The black and white thinking is perfect for abusers since they think like that. There are no shades of grey. Everything and everyone is either all good or all bad. Fundamentalism is the perfect tool for them. Speaking from experience.

[@tgbedini]

On the second story, apparently some commenters were telling OP to just make extra portions for the housemates. Boy, that's being entitled for someone else, isn't it? If you think food is free, you haven't been shopping lately, and making extra is also a bit more time here and there. Man, I've spent the majority of my life living alone, and though it costs a bit more than sharing an apartment or house, it's much lower stress.

[@user-blob]

Well said. Op is not responsible for her house mate and definitely not her kid!

[@Mama_Bear_of_3]

OP needs to tell her, "If you want to eat the food I make, then pay half of the grocery bill.

[@Silence-1170]

Hi all you amazing waffles! Stay safe and Stay positive! Have a terrific rest of your tuesday!

[@broken_queer_but_fighting8589]

You too silence 💜💜🤗🤗

[@TheSilverLioness]

One minute, I'm at one minute and this story r e a k s parentification and gives a very bad feeling

[@jessicawolfe5861]

When you are someone’s whole world to the point where you can’t have your own life, that’s the time to leave. No one can do that. You deserve a life.

[@AlexRising_]

Story 2: stuff like this is the reason I have a weird relationship with food bc my cousin would steal my food and my aunt would more or less convince me that he deserved it more and I would get fat, etc.

[@annhans3535]

I used to work with a program in inner city NY to teach parents how to cook. It use to be a few days in a row or a few weeks and at the end of the program we would have everyone cook a dish. I am amazed that people don't understand that fast food is more expensive than buying the ingredients and preparing the food. We would teach them how to keep and start a pantry, budget and plan for the week ahead. I used to enjoy doing that program.

[@CH-hi300bye]

Maybe the roommate in the last post could help the mom from the last post by picking up a little something from the food pantry on the way home from work or something. They obviously don't mind cooking, and what the kid and mom wants seems super easy basic pasta and cheese stuff. Anyway, if the roommate feels at all like helping out their roommate, they could offer to help make some food if the mom gets it from the pantry or if the roommate gets it from the pantry for them. It sounds like the roommate is on the edge of requiring the food pantry assistance themselves as people really shouldn't have to budget that tightly. Just a thought. Thanks for sharing the story Mark!

[@anitaslack9193]

The OP in story 2 said she can't put veggies in brownies. She clearly hasn't googled options, because my mother makes some really amazing brownies with zucchini.

[@candypettynettie487]

I may have to try that 🤔

[@carolroberts4614]

I think I'll pass on that one, but there's always good old carrot cake!

[@daisyp1670]

healthy diet AND petty revenge! amazing 😂😂

[@nikkid7838]

Shiny Happy People 😳😬?? Well that explains a lot about her mother’s reaction.

[@theseawriter]

I’m headed to take a plane back to my old home state. We’re going to be packing up the rest, then celebrating my sister’s 21st birthday. I hate planes, but at least it’s only slightly over an hour.

[@meimei51793]

it’s gonna be a good flight!

[@alittleraindrop8119]

God, the first story hit so close to home. I went through the same thing with my mom growing up, minus the religious aspect.

[@macylouwho1187]

It’s a fine line between the two problems-that of not speaking to your kids about financial issues and how to deal with them, and doing so within reason. It’s a double edged sword to “never” hear anything about it-that’s how I grew up and I wasn’t allowed to ask questions. But I felt it anyway, I assure you, when we were in feast or famine mode (in direct correlation to what sort of man she was dating at the moment-rich or poor) at whatever house we lived in. It is usually completely apparent to kids if the household is struggling financially anyway. The signs are everywhere around you, and the heightened anxiety of parents is also completely clear whether they want it to be or not. Kids aren’t dumb. They don’t miss a trick. So when we had trouble paying the bills and basic services got cut-yeah that’s “whelp we have no money right now” moment. Also food bank trips happened sometimes. And if things were different and we had new clothes, services were on, and we had a decent meal on the table at night-we were good. So leaving home without ever once talking about finances left me completely unprepared and not knowing anything about it. Every rough learning moment was a sh-tty time, figuring it all out was hard at first. Of course I was out on my own at 17, so that didn’t help. I did have help from friends, who helped me survive until I got on my feet. My husband and I were teens when we moved in together and started trying to figure out everything alone with zero family support. We had no one we could talk to. His mother lived clear across the country and his dad was a jerk. And my family, well, I say plenty on that on other comment sections. They suck. So yeah, prepare kids a bit more for the world than “you’re just a kid and don’t need to be taught anything about money”. Kids grow up. They need to know some basics ahead of time. “Luck favors the prepared”, (thanks Disney 😂).