Men, own your role in domestic violence | Christan Rainey | TEDxCharleston

Finding even a flicker of positivity in the wake of an abhorrent domestic violence event seems impossible, yet it happened. Christan Rainey, who lost his family to such tragedy, has committed himself to eradicating domestic violence and engaging men in this movement. His efforts have spawned a multi-faceted solution that includes education, activism, training and prevention.
The key to Christan’s effort: put men’s role in domestic violence at the forefront of solving the problem and teach men to own their role in breaking the cycle. This is a proactive approach that shifts from cultural norms and values. His training has been adopted by the City of North Charleston, is used by Charleston County School District, and is embodied in South Carolina Senate Bill 3.
A full-time father, fiancé, and fire department engineer, Christan Rainey embodies commitment in action. He is the Founder and Director of Men Against Domestic Violence USA and seeks to honor his mother and siblings who lost their life to domestic violence. A full-time father, fiancé, and fire department engineer, Christian embodies commitment in action. Now, he’s calling men to take up the same cause through Men Against Domestic Violence (MAD USA), a grassroots organization that’s putting violence at home to rest. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@karolinemcdermott9301]

So much this. I left my abusive partner because I didn’t want to raise another abuser, I knew that he would learn to normalize abusive behavior and carry it out. Cycle ends here folks.

[@solangeboudreau6467]

That is brave of you! Stay safe!!!

[@barneyy6942]

So proud of you Karoline

[@nikkimoon1533]

I am in the same situation. It is so hard to leave. 😭 But I have a little boy, who I can see is starting to emulate his father's behaviour. He doesn't deserve to know what it feels like to be an abuser. I am going to get out, but it is so hard.

[@AlicitySherie]

Domestic violence is an epidemic, and it affects so many people. This individual is a powerful speaker, and I commend him for sharing his deeply personal message. When I hear about men being abused, I don’t become defensive and state “not all women do this”, I think it will have to do with our society progressing and men and women truly being perceived as equals. It also needs to be addressed that, often times when men say “not all men do this, what about men being abused?”, it is used as a silencing technique, rather than to bring awareness. If people really want change they need to care about everyone impacted by abuse.

[@nayab6129]

The "Not All men" or "Not All women" is response to sexist Generalised statement on Men/women. Btw there Are lot of women And men who try too minimise male victims.

[@harmonyvaneaton4101]

100% on all points. It's sexism and misogyny. And the "not all men" IS silencing. The people who say that are NOT interested in changing this systemic problem.

[@thatELAmain]

I wish , I had of learned this when I was younger , was nearly left for dead , woman or men have no right to inflict , pain verbally or physically, I never saw this coming , thankfully I met my husband and the difference was night and day . He’s my rock . Be careful who you let into your life , and watch what you are willing to except . And to you all who are in this situation , I pray that you get support as you deserve to live in safety and know what true love really looks like xx

[@rachelbeal8475]

Am so sorry that happened to you and your family. My God continue to bless you and your efforts

[@duranteisom8235]

Its sad when someone died in your hart

[@Floatingaccidentallike]

What a strong man..... so much loss but such a beautiful heart.

[@nancynahnigoh3550]

Rest In Peace for your family lost

[@JuliaSt979]

Prevention is better than cure. Thank you for your hard work.

[@JackieDare]

Much needed talk from one experienced man to other men like you and to those men who, certainly, are aware. Boldness in sharing the light is a great thing. Any abuse in a relationship will ruin it. Thank you!

[@annaturquoise7114]

One of the best ted talks EVER. How come does it have such small number of views ??

[@andrea384]

I loved when you spoke about the difference between reactive vs proactive efforts to create change. I'm so amazed by how you're transmuting that pain into amazing acts of service and selflessness. Your words have touched me, and I'm sure many others, and I will be looking to support your initiative, and find one within my community that I can be a part of somehow.

[@thehorsebackheroine5950]

That was SUCH a good talk Christian! It goes even a step further though....as a girl, the oldest of four siblings, witnessing domestic abuse between my own parents didn't give me the skills to be a decent mother and so when the time came for me to be a parent, I didn't have much to go on except violence as an example sadly. It wasn't until my own son was 18 months old and I was talking to some random guy at a social event about raising children, and he said that if his mother had ever struck him, he would have been mortified. Well.....that got me on another path and shook all my beliefs about how it was to parent. And thank goodness for that random stranger at some random social event, but I think I have done a pretty decent job of raising 3 healthy well adjusted kids of my own. Keep doing what you are doing Christian and maybe you will be able to extend that good work, teaching the children of domestic violence how to parent.

[@GeecheeWhiteZx14]

The Horseback Heroine we teach and talk about these things, but unfortunately we only have a small window of time to get across the BIG message.

[@notyobidness6218]

@Scott this is a place to bring awareness to female victims of domestic violence, why do you WANT to shut this discussion down or to deflect the conversation FROM that, do you think female victims of domestic violence should have anyone advocating for them or do you just really not like women or anyone advocating for them???

[@NoBody-tx9pd]

He is so strong and intelligent. Great message. Wish they had taught this to kids in school 20 and 30 years ago.

[@foreverolly8864]

Scott if you want to be a woman there are surgeries for that

[@mylesanderson2861]

@@foreverolly8864 He just gave stats. I like women and love being a man. I don't live getting disrespected or treated like a bytch knowing full well I don't hit women. And some women especially in my family are skinny and can rock anybody who underestimates them they are violent.

[@miladyartistic5324]

Im 37 and i really dont understand why so many men are predators instead of protectors. I dont understand why there arent more men like you/the speaker!

[@xolo2282]

Shut up and enjoy all the destruction and sorrow caused by men🖕😂😂"

[@xolo2282]

WW1 × WW3 👏👏

[@GeecheeWhiteZx14]

Broken family’s and the culture of how we have valued women since the beginning of time.

[@anticorncob6]

What are you talking about? Almost all men are like that.

[@nayab6129]

Good. Same goes for women too? There Are lot of protectors out there. I can literally share A lot of Articles to you daily. Most men And women Are good.

[@IamKateIsabella]

“That was the first time in my life I felt what hate really felt like, and I understood why we are not supposed to hate. Because it can consume you”. Wow, I felt this very much also because of domestic violence as I sat behind bars for self defense while my abuser was let go by the police. Since DV effects the police at a high rate, many victims are further punished for reaching out for help and this too is tragedy. DV is the elephant in the room, effecting millions of men and women for generations. My mother was abused, my grandmother, and me. Stepping into awareness is so hard to do, breaking generational curses takes courage but it can be done with a little help from brave souls like this. Thank you so much for sharing this painful but incredibly necessary story.

[@kellymarie8535]

Why is it that any article including a man and a woman where one is a victim and the other is a perpetrator people jump straight to defense mode! "Well men do that to women too" or "women do that to men too". I'm sure they do but shouldn't it be all innocent people against all abusers as a pose to all men vs. all women? I watched a documentary of a woman who abused her son... imagine if instead of feeling compassion for the boy I sided with the Mother because "Well some men abuse their daughters too". It's true but does that suddenly mean the boy deserved the abuse and that the Mother was justified? No! Perhaps if people could try to understand and empathise with the individual post or story as a pose to detracting from it with other situations that are not relevant to that specific case then victims would feel more heard and less blamed. Surely there's a time and place to agree with ALL victim stories! If you read a post about women suffering that is the place for THAT topic.. if you read a post about men suffering that is a place for THAT topic and you can actually sympathise with BOTH! Throwing other victim's stories into other victim's faces is creating a war between two different sets of victims... how is that suppose to help anybody?! You're literally re-victimising victims and creating excuses for the perpatrators as a pose to agreeing that no PERSON should harm another PERSON.

[@TheLily97232]

Gender is the dumbest thing ever. If we believe that women and men are just human beings, let's see them as such

[@reganb]

Awareness is key. Thanks for your service.

[@nanochad2979]

awareness that men can be domestically abused too?

[@babydabbs9764]

I hope he continues to speak on this issue. He’s good at articulating the issues clearly!

[@BNK2442]

Nah. Erin Pizzey should be talking about this.

[@michaelmcgurk4163]

This deserves a higher number of likes.

[@oliviaelkins2982]

I left my marriage, & he is stalking me, & now I feel should move out of town

[@daydrmnation]

Please do. If your intuition tells you this, listen to it. I hope you've filed a restraining order and found peace in your life, as you deserve.

[@gavinfriesen4252]

If you are still there and if you leave take a bus or a taxi or something that can't be traced back to you directly, a bus would be preferable as it's full of other people and if your ex is remotely sane he would not harm you on a bus full of witnesses

[@wolfgang7812]

Not much of a man then.

[@elizabethevenson6110]

as a survivor, if your instincts are telling you that and it's feasible, i have to agree with "get gone ASAP." i don't know the fine points of protective and/or restraining orders where you live, but they won't stop a determined abuser anywhere and stalking pretty much equals determined.

[@AlicitySherie]

Realistically you may need to move, my heart goes out to you!

[@KarinaStavenes]

Thank you so much for taking the time, and having the courage to share your story. May God bless you and your work, and everyone whom you helped.

[@notyobidness6218]

@Scott You really HATE anyone bringing awareness to female domestic violence victims. I say good for him THERE ARE WOMEN ALL OVER THE WORLD WHO EXPERIENCE HORRIBLE CONTROL AND ABUSE BY THEIR HUSBANDS. KIDOS TO THIS MAN FOR BRINGING AWARENESS FOR THESE FEMALE VICTIMS. THEY NEED IT❣

[@XxxX-wx3er]

Domestic violence is only taken seriously when a man speaks about it

[@KumariKumari-fw7nc]

No,not necessarily...

[@bluenikayahjihbed965]

when u murder someone its main revenge isnt on the person only but on the family and its community. its ashame innocent people have to suffer consequences of another persons illwill.

[@metrobailey550]

Prayers & Condolences for you & your family

[@angelagilesklockeYT]

I love what you're doing. Thank you!

[@RJ-ph5zg]

We really need to start highlighting the crazy amount of domestic violence against men.

[@LV-jh4zt]

Thank you for sharing. 👊

[@mysticbeauty3634]

This was so powerful! Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us! May God bless you always 🙏🏼❤🙏🏼❤🙏🏼

[@EgyptianGirlzCurlz]

thanks for sharing your story. My fiance hurts me badly. He has broken my bones before. He wont let me go. He has a strong grasp on me and wont let up. Last timeI tried to leave he threw me across the kitchen table, then grabbed a knife and put it to my throat and said if I leave he'd stab me in the chest and put my body in a cement block. How do i get away and with my life?

[@matroyna1557]

If you can, sneak out and call the police. Make sure he doesn’t know where you are going. You can also lock yourself in a bathroom until they arrive. I heard about an app Dr. Phil’s wife made that is disguised as a normal weather app but has a secret button that will contact the police and local domestic abuse shelters. Stay at a friend or family member’s house until you can provide for yourself. Good luck and I hope this comment doesn’t cause you harm.

[@al3xa723]

I wasn't physically hurt, but my ex manipulated me and I went into a deep depression, I felt like I needed to cut myself for them. When I tried to help them, because they were in a tough family situation, they told me I was gaslighting them and that I was toxic. That it's all my fault for trying to help. I hope you find a way to escape like I did. God bless.

[@monslay5624]

What a heartbreaking story!!!!!,....to lose so many loved ones in ONE day, especially due to HATE! I've experienced domestic violence,...it's terrifying.

[@lov3lygaming743]

Thank you for posting this, well delivered speech.

[@Tony94188]

How do we start campaign 'International Leave An Abusive Relationship Day'?

[@HTHTNT77]

Well said. Thank you so much

[@shelleygold4923]

What a beautiful speaker

[@ozgekarban]

you are a really impressive man and you are doing a really great job

[@xolo2282]

Who even cares 😂😂

[@writingpad7142]

My boyfriend hit me twice but he was drunk both times, claimed he couldn't remember... would the fact he was drunk stop you from leaving, i.e. he never ment it.

[@nickolasarevalo7634]

God bless

[@hannahbrennan2745]

Brilliant

[@topgurl9313]

great talk, this hit so many important points.

[@punyashloka4946]

I think those men or women who act domestic violence on there partners themselves are victims of violence somewhere in the past 🤔 they have learned this violent behavior from somewhere. Just my observation 😌 .

[@multuminparvo5]

This is good, but we also need to add that the father who won't speak, who even leaves without ever looking back, is also abusing.

[@sofiapanagiotopoulou7724]

Best talk ever! Thank you!

[@jasminewashington5953]

This was a beautiful talk.

[@JN-go2yq]

Wonderful talk.

[@jennylynn3758]

thank you and I am so sorry for your loss. You have great courage.

[@TRADERSFRIEND]

Powerful!!!!

[@sherryvang5290]

One of the best Ted talks!

[@XxxX-wx3er]

About time

[@mushtarimamaddustova3409]

Powerful❤

[@natashapoole7880]

Domestic violence is typical of what the Bible foretold for these last days, in which many would be “abusive,” with “no natural affection,” and “fierce.” (2 Timothy 3:2, 3, The New English Bible) God promises that following these last days, he will usher in a peaceful new world in which people “will actually dwell in security, with no one to make them tremble.”​-Ezekiel 34:28. In that marvelous new world, domestic violence will forever be a thing of the past. “The meek ones themselves will possess the earth, and they will indeed find their exquisite delight in the abundance of peace.”​-Psalm 37:11.

[@youlandergreene5018]

I remember

[@headliner8346]

I'm proud of your mission keep pushing

[@tracydobbins7805]

Wow Great TedTalk

[@marym1053]

Very good speech. I have had the same thoughts, teaching about abuse must be proactive. That could also apply to other issues, like promiscuity and unwanted pregnancies, etc. Teach value to life, value in others. In my church, after the services, I often see our teenage boys loving and carrying the babies of other church members around, they absolutely love babies and get joy in making them happy. Of course, the teenage girls do too. But it shows nurturing is not gender specific. Raise your children in church, they learn the love of God and others.

[@valeriabonfio7020]

You are a wonderful and brave man. Our culture has to be changed.

[@TheSepia1]

Right.....men who abuse are going to take responsibility for their action.....ok....right.....

[@xaeproducedit]

I committed domestic violence. Don’t do it fellas. You will end up in jail you hurt you children and you your spouse for life. It brings a looming shame that’s very hard to shake. I didn’t make a good choice but y’all can. Make the choice to get therapy.

[@alinanaghi4263]

It's a deadly force And by the time you realize it's too late When I hear a man say (i don't hit women)

[@urtosexyahaha]

“I am the most peaceful guy you’ll ever meet! It couldn’t be me!”

[@rockyhaleema9492]

🌎♥️🌳

[@jshadnot]

I don’t hit women, so really there’s no role for me to accept in the domestic violence discussion other than agreeing with the obvious, that it’s wrong.

[@lifemusic1980]

Exactly his point right here. You need to actively call out men that you know and speak out against it because just agreeing with men who do something isn't going to help.

[@HDTDNOVIV]

@@lifemusic1980 You say that while men suffer from over half of domestic abuse cases

[@rodw.9050]

Elizabeth Toner it's not men's jobs to protect women

[@lifemusic1980]

@@HDTDNOVIV Half? More like 1 third. And that is awful, but that's not what my point was. If you don't hit women but also don't actively discourage it, you're indirectly enabling it. Gotta make these abusers feel like monsters.

[@lifemusic1980]

@@rodw.9050 ok, so just ignore the stats and the epidemic that is domestic violence. It will be sure to continue because you don't have the spine to make beating women up absolutely unacceptable in your community. The laws in this country are ridiculous as well. A woman basically has to be killed before anything is done. Good job guys, nice to know you want to help end this insanity.

[@mrtwister9002]

Women initiate domestic violence as much as men do. Bring awareness to gynocentrism and the bias that only men commit domestic violence. 5:08 its statistically shown that women who are in the fields mentioned here are also more likely to have a cluster b personality disorder. Lack of empathy.

[@GeecheeWhiteZx14]

Mr Twister there was only 12 minutes to cover huge subject. Stay tuned for the next one.

[@deedeee6271]

You couldn't less about domestic violence against men.

[@fuckbeingtaken]

It's definitely not as much as been do. It exists, but not on the same scale whatsoever.

[@melvinklark4088]

@@fuckbeingtaken wdym on same scale

[@rickyvanregar9652]

@@fuckbeingtaken Scale? Do u think this is some kind of competition or something? No matters about the scale or percentation... Violence is violence... Victims are victims... Don't care they are men or women...

[@alinanaghi4263]

Domestic violence has no signs

[@KumariKumari-fw7nc]

I think if you look carefully there are signs..

[@ngumlovered7566]

Nope she should’ve gone ahead and left him he’s not fits to change

[@BeGlamourlicious]

Wow, just wow 😮 loosing your whole family in a day! This is extremely awful. One thing that men (and some women) don’t get is that men cope with violence and hurt women, children and other men. Domestic violence is a male issue not a female one. Only men can solve that. Please understand that something is wrong in the way men are raised and it is our duty to raise boys to become happy, healthy men. This men is great.

[@rickyvanregar9652]

Sues anna.. No... I'm disagree... Violence is not just a male issue.. This is also a female issue... Coz the reallity shows that women also can be abuser...

[@nayab6129]

You Are totally A sexist.

[@jacklong9449]

It shouldn't be seen as a male vs female issue as anyone who is not the "default" will be seen as abnormal. Women are more likely to abuse their children than men; should we call child abuse a female issue?

[@BNK2442]

Erin Pizzey should give a TED talk. She created the first shelter for abused women AND tried to create a shelter for abused men. Shame that a crazy ideology has the monopoly on IPV discurse.

[@chiquitamcduffy6727]

This not love domestic relationship very bad I love being single

[@gfsfyfy426]

🎁🎁🎁

[@nagolyaj2]

Accepting responsibility for the actions of an abuser is called enabling. He categorizes men as either abusers or victims but what if you're neither?

[@jmdenn3000]

I feel like you should have also mentioned male victims

[@jmdenn3000]

@Scott i just believe that all victims should be heard and heard more than they are

[@notyobidness6218]

This seems like a topic to shutdown the awareness being brought to female victims of domestic violence. If you want to bring awareness to male victims of domestic violence do that, go out in the world and do that! But don't come to a place advocating for female victims of domestic violence and try to shut the conversation down as if these female victims don't deserve awareness!

[@nomo2746]

Not Yo'bidness he didn’t try to shut anything wtf are you talking about? He’s saying that at the same time make victims should be spoken about as well.

[@hannahmonize1436]

What about his 3 brothers who were murdered? He said that in the beginning of the chat.

[@jmdenn3000]

Not Yo'bidness well when ever I try to do just what you suggest I get shut down by people saying any attempt to discuss male victims shuts down attention to female victims

[@AyubNovemberthbrithayub]

Violence Knife crime gun crime home uk

[@rickyvanregar9652]

Dont just speaking about men domestic violence ... We also have to speak about domestic violence by women... Dont be sexist or Hippocrate.. Speak equally...

[@karensimpson4869]

ricky van regar don’t get defensive

[@rickyvanregar9652]

@@karensimpson4869 What you talking about? This is not about defensive... This is about the fact... Women also can be a criminal ... Men also can be a victim... Don't you deny that...

[@karensimpson4869]

When I talk to men about domestic violence and manipulation they instantly get defensive and say women can be just as violent. It’s like they have to justify because they can’t handle the fact that men kill women and children . Yes women are capable of domestic violence, it is out there and needs addressing . But let’s be honest the majority of the violence is caused by men .

[@karensimpson4869]

I said that didn’t I , why are you getting so defensive

[@rickyvanregar9652]

@@karensimpson4869 No...Iike I told u before... I'm not defensive... I'm just talking about fact and History... The only one who try to be Defensive here is you... Yess.. You..

[@devenwithtwoes5856]

Bro . That's not domestic violence. Sorry but the family 💛

[@kimcerrato6901]

It is domestic violence! He lost his family because of an abuser

[@drewyetti]

Domestic violence is not a gendered issue as both sexes are capable of violence. Even if men do correct their behaviours, what stops women from being violent towards men, children and other women?

[@denetraannettep4867]

But Christian they NEVER take ANY REAL responsibility for their actions and ALWAYS say how they are the real VICTIMS and sum say they don't like doing it but continue to do it smh they are NEVER the cause n they say they are PUSHED TO hit her ! It's all HER FAULT SMFH

[@middletech]

Why should men own their role if women do not.

[@karensimpson4869]

Eric Lytle then set an example and the rest will follow

[@middletech]

@@karensimpson4869 I tried to live my life as Jesus would want me to in middle school. The other kids took that as a sign of weakness. No example method works.

[@mrsparker13]

👍🏾💋🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

[@kevinjohnson7418]

I am doing my part . I am exposing the fact that women abuse just as much and a high percentage of accusations against men are false and even encouraged during divorce. Children are being devastated, not just men. Thanks to heroes like Cassie Jaye ( the red pill documentary) and this video from Bettina , another hero, there are a few women standing up ! My heart goes out to the women abused too , but I am less worried about my daughter than my boys getting falsely accused

[@khadijahkamara727]

Maybe the victims have refused to been a victim so they fighting now. Since day in memorial women have lost their lives through domestic violence and not much attention was paid now some are taking the law in to their hands. Maybe if the problem was taking care of, we wouldn't be here today. But even now as you claim that women's abusing is much higher I would encourage you to stop saying that in public because it's just not right. You don't even have to go in to history to know that. Greetings

[@notyobidness6218]

@Reg Eric Let's All Bring Awareness To FEMALE victims of domestic violence ❣❣❣

[@nomo2746]

Not Yo'bidness sexist

[@pyro014]

@@notyobidness6218 There already is so much support for women, how about we support both genders

[@nayab6129]

@@khadijahkamara727 So we shouldn't talk about women's violence?

[@kevinjohnson7418]

It is also interesting that men stand up for women , but very few women stand up for men. Bless Bettina ardnt and her videos exposing the truth .

[@rickyvanregar9652]

Kevin johnson Yess bro...Its a sad reality... More over... Still many sexist-biased peoples in our society...

[@lalab9696]

LOL A LIE

[@Ed-tc2pg]

I wonder if false accusations cause domestic violence. Think about it, you never touch her, she calls the police, you know your going to jail and will have to pled guilty. If your doing time for battery, might as well get a few uppercuts in to make it worth it.

[@WellBeing999]

If domestic violence is not in you, it’s not in you. Why would you want to commit a crime just because someone claims you did? Just because you ASSUME you’re going to jail? Makes no sense.

[@karensimpson4869]

Ed 1 what planet are you

[@keke8880]

Awful title. DV abusers' "role"? They're the only ones to blame. DV abusers are 100% at fault.

[@cheaze69]

The majority of domestic violence is initiated by women. Men's role is to leave at the first sign of abusive behavior and not respond with violence.

[@ykMMD]

Are you sure of that? Studies and stats def dont agree with you.

[@jamesedwards.1069]

Hey, this reminds me, that Islam is right about women.

[@thatELAmain]

I wish , I had of learned this when I was younger , was nearly left for dead , woman or men have no right to inflict , pain verbally or physically, I never saw this coming , thankfully I met my husband and the difference was night and day . He’s my rock . Be careful who you let into your life , and watch what you are willing to except . And to you all who are in this situation , I pray that you get support as you deserve to live in safety and know what true love really looks like xx

[@thatELAmain]

I wish , I had of learned this when I was younger , was nearly left for dead , woman or men have no right to inflict , pain verbally or physically, I never saw this coming , thankfully I met my husband and the difference was night and day . He’s my rock . Be careful who you let into your life , and watch what you are willing to except . And to you all who are in this situation , I pray that you get support as you deserve to live in safety and know what true love really looks like xx