Huge New Study Reveals What People Really Want In A Partner - Dr Paul Eastwick

[@ChrisWillx]

Hello you savages. Get my free Reading List of 100 life-changing books here - chriswillx.com/books/ Here's the timestamps: 00:00 Do People Know What They Want in a Partner? 03:40 Distinguishing Stated & Revealed Preferences 13:52 Biggest Discrepancies in Preferences 18:21 Sex Differences in Preferences 22:03 Black Pills & White Pills of the Study 31:32 Why People Secretly Want a Good Lover 38:59 Unanswered Questions From the Study 42:42 Biases in Selecting a Partner 48:18 The Unexplainable Sense of Falling in Love 51:38 Traits of People Who Can’t Retain a Partner 54:45 Have Mate Preferences Changed Over Time? 1:00:52 How We Actually Think About Our Partners 1:05:29 Where to Find Paul

[@michaels4255]

Which is more predictive of long term marital stability - getting a close match to one's revealed or stated preferences? How do we know which is the wiser choice? These researchers aren't addressing the important questions. It is interesting that in some parts of Asia the culture has been traditionally suspicious of "love marriages" as opposed to marriages that were rationally negotiated between the parents of the prospective spouses. The wisdom of hard earned experience, perhaps?

[@LeonardEarnshaw]

Facing difficulties in relationships is normal, but there’s always a path to resolution. My marriage went through tough times, but with the right assistance, my wife and I resolved our issues and enhanced our connection. Solutions exist if you’re willing to work together and persevere. Don’t lose faith-answers are possible.

[@BruceKnapp-n4q]

I’m encountering serious challenges in my relationship and can’t bear the thought of losing her. My love for her is immense, and I miss her deeply. I’m willing to do anything to win her back. I would be extremely grateful for any advice or support you can provide.

[@LeonardEarnshaw]

Moving on from someone you hold dear is invariably challenging, but in my experience, I was guided by a spiritual counselor who prevented the breakdown of my marriage. Her name is Suzanne Ann Walters.

[@BruceKnapp-n4q]

Thank you for this advice. I'll promptly start searching for her online. I appreciate it. I'm optimistic that pursuing this approach will also lead to favorable outcomes for me; her absence weighs heavily on me.

[@LeonardEarnshaw]

Welcome

[@Mikemiller997]

Not always.

[@melanieforyou]

We want our partners to be true to themselves, have their own personal goals and interests, and rely on the relationship for support and connectivity. We want partners that respect the boundaries of the relationship. Communicating in a peaceful way- even under heightened emotions and stress- is a skill that required here.

[@14caz68]

AKA Emotional maturity.

[@charlieweaver6322]

Who's 'We'?

[@14caz68]

@@charlieweaver6322 people . Male. Female. Whateva .

[@kukubird6137]

We means she clearly.

[@Spentyo]

We want GigaChad

[@andrewbfrost7021]

They should do a study like this with married couples, people who have been successful with relationships, and compare those results to not married people. Then they can also compare groups according to how many years married.

[@kenpachizaraki4184]

There's somewhat of an attraction hierarchy based on your personal insecurity. People scorned by certain traits end up really valuing the traits that are antithetical to those traits. Been with someone abusive? You look for gentleness and value patience. Been lied to and manipulated? You value honesty. Had someone emotionally distant? You end up valuing openness and communication skills. For those who are more secure and don't have many or any insecurity, they seek higher pursuits on the hierarchy. They seek novelty, adventure, and growth. Meanwhile, people who have been hurt are looking for the basic needs of someone who won't harm them, basic comfort.

[@JPJ432]

Very wise.

[@GreenTeaViewer]

It's a bit more complicated, though, because many people are repeatedly drawn to partners with the same negative traits as the previous one.

[@wowandrss]

How do you explain the fact that people that got abused literally end up with other abusers often enough that it's like a (idk what to call it)

[@Rileyed]

Should be true but reality shows people seek out to be abused often. Makes no sense. Seen it my whole life. Some love to get into bad relationships. They jump from one alcoholic abusive to another. The previous experience doesn’t alter their future pursuits

[@mstamper77]

@@GreenTeaViewerdepends on how conscious a person is.

[@jamestaylor7226]

What gets missed is for alot of things there is a minimum threshold, attractiveness- do they look good enough, earning potential- do they make enough, these things are critcally important for meeting the minimum, but not very important at all after that for alot of us, personality, honesty, compatability, goals exc. are all far more important after the minimums are met, but don't really help at all if they are not.

[@xenatron9056]

good enough is pretty good. 85% is pretty good. The trouble is knowing that at least, a few hours every now and then, it is going to be not good enough and how much of that is because of we ourselves.

[@lindsayCswain]

💯

[@MTK9209]

I agree. I don't see the point in rating someone as a ___ out of 10. It's splitting hairs to say that someone is a 6/7/8 etc. The thing that ultimately matters is: are you attracted enough to them to want to date them, be intimate with them etc. It's a yes or a no.

[@clockworkvanhellsing372]

Smell seems to be a deeper wired factor, than it comes across in this video. There are papers about smell as an indicator for genetic combatibility, so it's not only how that person cares about themself, but also a health indicator and risk management factir for preventing inbreeding.

[@paulrettig1507]

Smell also tell us humans if they're healthy and fertile. Smell is huge in connection with the other sex.

[@DesertSky928]

Interesting that different races smell differently.......it's just a FACT, woke NPCs....calm down. Chinese vs Indians vs Africans vs Various Western Europeans (Native Europeans), etc.

[@ilililil4320]

Yep, the answer to most questions of this podcast is that we actually choose with the nose. Now a research of matching chemical/hormonal signatures, some coding for the variations, if added to dating profiles - could finally bring those "soulmates" together ❤

[@seemlesslies]

One of my biggest issues with the attractiveness aspect of the conversation is there is a barrier to entry/pre-selection process. It is often one of the key points in these studies that do not explain. "Attractiveness doesn't matter', when it is literally pre-selection criteria to even being with that person.

[@ShakiraG9339]

Chris, I just want to say, I appreciate the work you put into your KZbin podcast.

[@r.mucklin1703]

Pesonally I don't think people set out in a sensible deliberate way to find a partner, even if they have an idea of what sort of character traits they may prefer. Most people fall into relationships and/or marriage because of sexual attraction, and when sex is a big part of the picture being sane and deliberate about picking a partner goes out the window. At least that's been my experience with most of the people I've known over the last eight decades.

[@jfkst1]

That's how it has always been for me.

[@X0xHuBeRx0X]

Thats my experience aswell but I´m interested to hear if you think it´s also the best practice to find a good partner? Most relationships dont work out to well, if your just stumble your way into them in my opinion.

[@Mr_Penguins_Pet_Human]

I agree. What we want is a conscious, logical choice while what we Desire is an emotional attraction we have little control of and they often don't align. The human mind wants one thing but the monkey brain often desires something else. Of course this is influenced by life experience, trauma etc.

[@Mr_Penguins_Pet_Human]

​@@X0xHuBeRx0X I agree, and I think a lasting relationship very oftem depends on being lucky enough to find the person you're attracted turns out to be a good long-term match as well.

[@Squirrelled]

Congratulations on reaching 8 decades. That’s a feat itself.

[@Mr_Penguins_Pet_Human]

This boils down to what we Want being different to what we Desire. What we 'want' in a partner is conscious choice that we are aware of. While what we 'Desire' is an Emotional attraction and largely subconscious. This seems to be an example of the Human brain (wants) and the monkey brain (Desire/Emotion) - as explained in the Chimp Paradox by Prof Steve Peters

[@mstamper77]

Nope, it can all be unconsciously driven

[@JJ-vp3bd]

but then arent a lot of people delusional then?

[@fotoathanasiaidis723]

You know, people say we're drawn to the people who need to teach us something. That is a very true statement. Regardless of the lesson, you end up learning. Some good some bad.🙄

[@edheldude]

That's true to an extent but also new age woowoo. What relationships are for outside this modern woman carousel is family creation. Ladies go from man to man as "a journey of self-discovery" but in my experience haven't seem to learn anything. People just get inflated egos from the validation, and then always sabotage good relationships, and explain it away as something karmic or spiritual.

[@Roundwave23]

@@edheldude there's a spectrum, yep. Inflated egos and anti social behavior to those who see experiences as life lessons for the soul.

[@pace1195]

Like for Chris. He seems to know so much more about these topics than the dozens of researchers putting out the data.

[@limitisillusion7]

This is an interesting study for sure, however, the biggest limit to it is that it's ultimately just a snap shot in time. Revealed and especially stated preferences will change over time depending on a variety of factors including socioeconomic and sociopolitical factors, culture, health metrics, overall morale etc. At the very least, it would be beneficial to ask every subject in the study about their general perception of the future to get a grasp on how morale plays into preferences. If this study was done every couple years across the globe and the data was combined with some of the above factors, you could really suss out some interesting associations.

[@karenalford4025]

Fascinating discussion! Food for thought as always! We can have a shopping list of requirements and desires in a partner; however what resonated with me in this talk; was when Chris mentioned the phenomenological nuance’s of falling in love! Truly no spreadsheet or transactional dialogue can capture the feelings inherent in that sense! It’s kinda mind blowing, and that’s the beauty of it! Personally I wouldn’t want the poetic artistry of that magical feeling disintegrated!

[@Sub0Kate]

I think the reason marriage rates have gone down is that we've replaced falling in love with the mating marketplace. You hardly ever hear the word love regarding dating anymore. I'm glad Chris said it.

[@mr.l8527]

A lot of people don't seem to actually know what romantic love actually is anymore. They confuse it for lust or limerence. A woman I used to date used to obsess over the feelings of "butterflies" in her stomach, of feeling limerence. When that wore off, she decided she wasn't in love anymore. I explained to her that those feelings aren't love. I used to have these talks with her as we remained friends after the breakup. Her romantic life was chaotic. Her ideas of love came from social media, tiktok, reels, movies... All cliche, fantasy based fiction. And I've known many, many women (and even men) like her. They just don't know what love is. They have this fantasy of what it is based on the media they've been saturated with. And I've noticed in my travels that a lot of people (especially younger people) have these false notions. Lust and limerence are not love.

[@benjamingrist6539]

@@mr.l8527I realized after my last breakup that I’ve never really loved any of the women I’ve dated. It’s always just been limerence. I’m currently doing a lot of introspection and self correction to fix that before I start dating again.

[@mudblood9699]

Marriage rates have decreased primarily due to the normalization of promiscuity. More sexual partners equals less chance and ability to pair bond.

[@charlieweaver6322]

I think it's more that we're becoming less religious - at least in the west. There is less of a need and less social status in being married as opposed to being unmarried. There isn't so much social stigma for a a couple who live together and even have children without being married. In many respects, if you want to get married young nowadays, most people will think you're rushing into it and that you need to live your life first.

[@Asto508]

@@mr.l8527So you talk a lot about what love is not.Maybe you should enlighten all the young folks

[@ginashepherd9552]

I've been married for over twenty years and I enjoyed this talk through that lens. If I were to offer insight to people in the early stages I'd say keep focus on the traits that cannot be learned and aren't likely to change over time. The most important traits to me are intelligence, a cracking sense of humour, kindness and generosity. Chemistry is critical. You can't manufacture that. Sure we all like physical traits but don't get stuck there. They can change and being with a twat when they've got nothing else going for them is awful. I like very tall, bigger men. It could be cultural as I'm South African, just look at our rugby players. My husband is only 5ft11 and normal looking. But because he's crazy intelligent and that sense of humour is so attractive. That he is kind and generous makes my heart happy. We had chemistry right away and it's never gone. It's obvious to everyone. Also remember you can learn to be a good lover, but if you don't have traits that make you open and caring you'll never be a good lover no matter what you learn. If you want to have children ask if the person in front of you is the other parent you want. Most importantly the grass is green where you water it. Never forget. If you've been honest with yourself about your partner upfront that grass will be worth watering.

[@Nyumc99]

All traits are learned . Overtime everything , including initial positive traits , can change, especially from external influences that are applying negative pressure on the relationship whilst the outsiders know , that the couple are already under great pressure. If your relationship is good generally, then ring-fence it. Protect it. If you both feel you are lucky to have each other, after such pressure and both recognise that (we) the couple got through it with minimal outside help. Then reconsider yourselves as a couple , for greatness. X

[@p382742937423y4]

I met someone thinking: I want this person to be the mother of my child. She is the mother of my child, but we never got along romantically. It never grew.

[@sharlah4057]

Finally, a study that accepts that men cannot be hugely uncaring of their appearance/health in comparison to women! I'm also over the messages out there saying men remain just as attractive as they age - with no upper limit - whilst women expire in their early 20s. These ideas have been vastly over-exaggerated simply because a proportion of the male population wants to be super optimistic about their attractiveness and the kind of woman they can get forever - without maintaining any real effort to care for their health etc. Money might compensate for unattractive men but do you actually want someone to like you for your money? At least if someone likes you for your attractiveness it's likely to be made possible by the lifestyle you enjoy and will mean more genuinely enthusiastic sex than someone who wants to be with you for a new handbag every month etc.

[@jujubean1185]

It depends on how genuinely enthusiastic she is for that handbag each month 🙃

[@KulaGGin]

It's tricky. My gf says she likes how the older guys look, like 40-55 and she likes it more than 20-30. Like in movies and stuff. And she's younger than me by a substantial amount, and she said she likes when the guy is older and not a 20yo scrееch, so it all checks out and very consistent together. And no I'm not rich. Actually we got together when I was broke and had no job and I told her that. And they say a lot of women are like that into older guys.

[@BradWetherby]

I’d agree it’s not a rule set in stone but it’s generalized. Women can stay beautiful and healthy for long periods of time if they simply take care of themselves but it is a battle against time really. Men it’s a bit different. I’m a pretty attractive guy but women have found me more attractive with age as I’m not as cute but I have life experience and time to grow in the ways women just tend to find attractive. Women don’t like boys they like men and that takes time/effort.

[@avasdv]

I'm 42. I'm over 6ft 6figure just saying but I've always tried to be humble and nonchalant. I want a younger woman, to start and have a big family but I still want my type of woman, with good genes and a good personality. I've worked hard to get where I am in life, which could have been much father with guidance. I keep myself in shape through diet and lifestyle. I've always been a nutrition nerd (I finally arrived at close to carnivore as the optimal fyi). I don't necessarily have the greatest style, maybe due to being intp but I try dress basically good and simple but yeah I never managed to date much, in part because when I liked someone I always failed and in part because I didn't wanna waste the time of people who liked me but I wasn't sure about. My cousins who get a lot of girls (whose dads were here present.. I don't consider myself traumatized but just saying) they both said if they were me they'd crush it way more. Whatever I resort them both. I try to be authentic, autonomous and basically good. I deserve anything I can get but am not entitled to anything. That's my outlook. Leo can date and dump anyone he wants I suppose. I think it's immature but if they consent so be it. It's their will, the girls own choice. How can I judge them? But I want a younger nice girl (so I can have a family). Many older women 30s and even 40s and older have both beautiful souls and bodies but they cannot give me what I can give or the man's role. I've always wanted to be a protector provider, supporting a woman who wants to work if it aligns with the fam. "Older" women (30s etc) also have way more dating experience usually so it's an unequal yoke. I mean what would you suggest or advise? I hate that it took so long but I mean it is what it is, but I actually feel in my prime if not still peaking. I've never been fat and I never will be so help me God. I find that disgusting. I'm drawn to humility and good manners. Besides good looks of course, those two things are rare and super attractive. I'm drawn to people who've been hurt or who have need, and naivete and could easily be taken advantage of, as a lover protector.. as long as they are intrinsically humble and good. I also like smart women. I don't wanna be 20 years older than my wife but God damn it what the f***. Anyway. Maybe this is just what comes of an intp with cold critically very unhappy mother

[@MA-gu2up]

I don't think much people claim there is no upper limit. People will just put it on a curve of slowly increasing attractiveness until the mid-20s and then about stable till about 40 and then a slow decline Also, what should men do that women do? What are the things that women do that men need to do for them to look more attractive? About money and attractiveness, aren’t all superficial? If someone likes you primarily for your looks, couldn't they leave you for someone more attractive? If they value looks that much, then... Also, keep in mind those aren't objective measures of attractiveness in the study, it is opinions of people in relationship, of course a woman who thinks her man is attractive will say she loves him more than a woman who says he is unattractive, but that doesn't mean they are right about the Attractiveness

[@timmcm9538]

I would be good if more people understood themselves and what it takes to be in a good long term relationship. But listening to this discussion, fate plays a a large role in romance and life.

[@vettie]

Exactly this. I know how hard I worked and how long it took to individuate myself. Of course I'm still very much in the process, but it seems rare to find anyone out in the wild who is on the same journey. Most times, it takes a complete collapse for someone to step out onto the spiritual path anyway, so I don't blame anyone for not doing so. Self-actualization is arguably the most difficult journey that a person will ever take, but the only one that is worth anything in my opinion.

[@localis]

Hey @Pauleastwick !!! So cool to see you on here!! Sacramento represent!

[@deutscherfischer55]

“Women will say they like earning potential more than men.” Well if that ain’t the most honest thing I’ve ever heard

[@niallfitzpatrick6568]

I'd go even further, which is why l agree with him. Women want it all, basically a well endowed and hot guy with money. All other positive attributes is just a bonus. While many women are now earning as much as men nowadays, the vast majority of them won't date a tradesman, who probably earn the highest amount of money! TBH he's just confirming what most guys will tell you from their practical experience.

[@imperiumoccidentis7351]

@@niallfitzpatrick6568 I think this has to be a geographical problem too, because I know tradesman and factory workers and they have no problem getting women, regardless of their wealth. I know one guy that's flat broke and the most immature person I've ever met, but he still swims in women no problem. I guess if you live in a bourgeois area, like a high-end middle class suburb or a city, then you might be right, but it isn't universal. From my own observation, I think there are two main things that make them successful: they all go to the gym and are in very good shape, and they are all constantly chasing women/sex like it's going out of style. Some of them are even very short and still get women just fine. Based on my own observation, the best thing a man can do is hit the gym and spend huge amounts of time trying to find women. It also helps if you're fun, exciting and can make them laugh, and that you're confident and have a decent friend group.

[@marciamakoviecki3295]

​​​​​​@@niallfitzpatrick6568almost every 'tradesman' over 25 will eventually marry, so it appears to work out. But, in your 20s, only a small fraction of plumbers are making bank. Most tradesmen I know have girlfriends and wives, so it does work out. But, if I'm a female attorney, doctor, computer engineer, I'm probably going to desire someone in a career that is more intellectually interesting. These kinds of women are often well educated, select well educated and interesting women friends, too.

[@Sub0Kate]

But they found women don't care about earning potential as much as they think they do.

[@2berrydelicious]

​@@niallfitzpatrick6568A large majority of women do not make a robust income and if you didn't already understand many tradesmen can be very abusive having low self esteem and character from my experiences 🤔

[@stewartmacgregor9304]

I believe the most critical missing point of this entire discussion is the spiritual connection of 2 people and the knowingness that this person is the right one for me at this particular time period, and it fits outside of all of the other human traits.

[@crazyprayingmantis5596]

My wife and I met when she was 14 I was 16, became parents at 17 and 19. Now grandparents at 43 and 45. It's funny because I just knew she was the one even though we we're so young, I just knew we'd be together forever.

[@jorgetinoco3574]

Awesome podcast Chris, I hope you bring him again and also, you left us hanging on your part of the opening up, maybe a Q&A

[@Strelnikov10]

From what I've seen, women want a man who makes a ton of money, but doesn't have to work. They want a man who is adventurous, but never actually goes on adventures. They want a man who takes charge but always dose exactly what they want him to do without ever telling him. In other words, women build contradictory standards because they want to be unhappy. And they tend to want everyone around them to be equally unhappy. Study that. I'm sure you could pull that out of your data.

[@JJ-vp3bd]

But dont top tier men avoid unstable women ?

[@MFROsorio]

hahaha i think you have been very unlucky with the people you have met, and thats why you get this idea. maybe you should check (within yourself) why you are attracting this kind of women. what you are describing is a very immature woman, there are some, but some other are always working towards growing as a person and being clear on what they want.. for me (as a woman) what you say doesn't have make-sense,

[@killermonjero]

Women don't want to be unhappy. They just get bored without emotional conflict.

[@meganusui2789]

Well said. Women have been told "you can have it all" for too long.

[@Stupidspencer1]

My current girlfriend fits your description perfectly. She wants me to be working M-F 9-5, so that I make as much money as she expects, except for when she has something she wants to do with me. Then, she becomes more important than the expectations I have set for my customers, and I won't hear the end of it if I don't participate in whatever she has planned. She expects me to know things and make decisions for both of us (i.e. be a good leader), but then complains about the results of some of those decisions she has forced me to make for her. She gets to off-load the work of making the decision onto me, and then also off-load the blame for bad decisions onto me as well, while rarely giving me recognition for good decisions. You just can't win with most women. When they are right, they are right. And when they are wrong, they still claim they are right... or blame it on you. And the only way to handle this kind of woman is to regard them almost like a child. The things they want are not to be taken literally, because feelings are short lived. Wait a few minutes and the woman will not only feel different, but want something else because of that different emotional state. Women have fought for equality, and now they have it. But I am now confident in saying that men should not have listened to what women wanted with the whole equity and inclusion thing. We listened to what they wanted and it has turned out to be a social disaster.

[@Jilliberation]

Perhaps, the discrepancy isn't so much due to an error regarding stated preferences; rather the actual attractiveness rating might not be due to "What do I want?", so much as, "What did I get?"

[@twonotesdown4032]

Where's the "I want to be treated like shit so I know I'm with a person that's more valuable than me"?

[@GaslightGatekeepGirlboss372]

Thats in the trauma box - along with people with daddy issues 😅

[@p382742937423y4]

Yeah, what about THAT. That always is a mystery to me.

[@indexplus]

Some stated preferences are supposed to come standard. If we say we value honesty and we pick somebody based on something else, it's because honesty is expected as you would expect wheels on the car if you went to buy a car.

[@xman4161]

This day just got a whole lot better!

[@ZecZli]

Yes, what people "want" has - zero (0} correlation with (positive) outcome. Let alone causation. In anything, not only in love... And, people today, more then ever, "want" - what is fashionable today. And, yes, today Chaos IS definitely en vogue... 🥳🧠

[@ZecZli]

Little addition: Chaos, confusion, with an - "intellectual" twist. Intellectual-izing in all the - wrong places...

[@jamescrawford4799]

Chris; I really think you should get a jungian analytical psychology on and explore some of the personality assessment stuff like mbti. But someone who knows about cognitive functions and not just the tests that can be crap. I think a lot of dating Compatability comes downs to functions, peoples development of them. A dominant intuitive is really going to struggle to feel understood and connect with a dominant sensor, as they perceive the world so differently. People can develop their inferior and shadow functions but most people don’t even know about it let alone be doing it

[@Alexxx492]

Yes!!!

[@kiara4345]

This would be so interesting!!!

[@MisterL777]

I'd be very interested in Chris discussing jungian ideas (the anima in particular)

[@erikjonromnes]

How much is due to how we tend to talk ourselves into whatever our current situation is. We will value whatever the better qualities of the person we are with and ignore those qualities that we don’t consciously want.

[@CaseyRyan]

This is a fantastic point

[@simonndungu9696]

This means ''religious'' is a deal-breaker that most people don't overlook even when other appealing factors are present.

[@savednorwegian]

Women "Underestimating" sexiness and body looks..sure..its because of them and also men somewhat dont want to be looked upon as superficial

[@MisterL777]

Yup. It's fancy to say you are mostly attracted to intelligence. But the real world is a little different.

[@cjcassell3576]

So excited for this! The Title got me! Can’t wait to listen! (Family stuff this weekend!)! 😅

[@Vaelin94]

Todays society is more hedonistic than ever before. I think this study highlights peoples shame in trying to follow this trend of promiscuity. It creates more stress and anxiety for men and women, and I think its the primary reason for younger generations having less success in finding a partner. Ironically, if society was less sex craven, we would be having more meaningful relationships, ie, more sex.

[@pnwlady]

Agreed. How people bought into “freedom” being mediocre sex with people who don’t care about you is still beyond me.

[@jessemiller3108]

@@pnwlady You don't have to have a relationship to have good sex and care about the person you sleep with.

[@pnwlady]

@@jessemiller3108 of course. But that requires a level of maturity, discipline and character that most people don’t stick to when it comes to sexual gratification.

[@kieranmccabe2729]

really like Dr Eastwick seems down to earth as well

[@8milestreet]

0:30 ....body just told me that the world is gonna roll me, I aint the sharpest tool in the shed

[@nomandatoryvaxing7433]

Bro …. I replayed that three times and it sounds SO out of place. wtf was that tone?

[@HeroicRecaps]

That had to be intentional, right? It is literally the Shrek All Star song meme. Like it's either an intentional reference by the uploader or the Shrek meme was intentionally inserted by Artificial Intelligence during processing by KZbin.

[@Laserchickens]

It's funny that people don't acknowledge that being a good lover is the most important thing. I have observed in myself that that matters more than anything else. It's like buying a car. I buy the one I like driving no matter what I liked on paper.

[@Laserchickens]

And of course smells good or rather doesn't smell bad is critical. wth

[@seanpenfold4374]

Very insightful, also quite complex to understand i thought, but interesting all the same.

[@lonzo61]

"The way a person smells factors highly into preferences." Ultimately, this explains why I, a farter in the extreme (very healthy gut biome), remain single late into life. I probably should be in the circus, or perhaps powering a natural gas power plant or heating homes: insert rubber tube, eat gas inducing foods, warm people's homes. Oh, and the other benefit, I suppose, is that a chemical does not have to be added to alert home owners of a natural gas leak. THEY WILL KNOW IF THERE IS ONE, so long as I am the source. Just here to help.

[@vegansydmost1345]

Yes! Pheromones! Then date for a year at least to explore other compatibilities, no committal....

[@lonzo61]

@@vegansydmost1345 You know, I used to tell them, "Honey, I'm merely emitting my sex-drive inducing 'pheremones', so stop using that crude term 'fart'!" Well, that never worked. Besides, when an attractive woman...or any woman...starts coughing and gasping for air, and she's clawing for life, and her eyes are watering, it's not very attractive. It's disturbing. So, it kinda goes both ways I have to admit. Or, everything I just wrote was in no way a valid reply to your comment. I dunno.

[@Sub0Kate]

Guys, it's about sweat, not farts. Sorry.

[@lonzo61]

@@Sub0Kate So.....if I simply shower daily, which I do, then I don't need to worry about driving away the ladies via very regular releases of molecules that emanated from deep inside my bowels; and that have made their way into their noses and lungs? I mean, they, and everybody, knows where these molecules have been hanging out! Such molecules, in the world of molecules, are generally not well regarded where I come from. You should see it when I am in an elevator full of people and I have such a "molecular release". It's fascinating to watch, as suddenly everybody feels the very abrupt need to get on the next floor. There always seems to be something interesting on that floor whenever I have such a release. Hmmm. IAnyway, if to your point this is not a problem, then it must be my personality. Or perhaps breathing in my own bowel molecules over a lifetime has caused a probiotic immuno-suppressant response of some kind that has left me with mental or, perhaps, socializing deficits. I will have to do research on my theory and publish the results in Fart Quarterly and Scientific Fartarian. Thanks for your insightful comment.

[@Silver-wm7es]

Time to eliminate the grains and fiber my dude

[@Vishfeast]

The way i Interpreted the #1 revealed, well that means, you can have all of these conscious wants in life. But the thing that truly can effect you is "having good sex" with someone and you don't understand why you're with that person. Seems like people can't control their biological mechanisms that were meant to keep bonded to each other. It's so disingenuous to a certain group that if they were actually behaving in a 12x way to their subconscious behaviors, that would be a good start...

[@Gringosaurus]

11:30 so the more traits you like than the more you like the person. Thanks.

[@Cant_find_good_Handle]

There are some very interesting concepts that come up later in the video. The biggest one is that women overestimate the importance of a good job and career, and underestimate the importance of looks. There are both personal strategies that could be used to improve my chances of getting laid, and macro political consequences to better understand with this knowledge as well. On a personal level I got laid from a good job when my entire team was cut during the tech layoffs last year. Afterwards I started a small business. I forgot to change my job on one Hinge, but I did change it on Tinder and Match. I lost about 55 lbs after leaving this job as I started working out every day, and uploaded those photos to all my accounts. My Hinge account that states I am an industrial engineer at Amazon started getting a ton of hits, but my other accounts stating I run my own small e-commerce company do not result in likes from a lot of attractive women. What this study shows is that I would be more likely to find an attractive long term mate if I leave my Amazon job on my profile. And I the explain to them on the date that I am not at that job any more, but that I stated a e-commerce company that makes me about the same income with a better work liked balance. Overtime women care less about your job title status, as this study shows, because the results of that mate selection decision in modern society is not as predictive of a relationship success as it would have been prior to modernity. Evolutionarily this could partially explain why urbanization combined with birth control is leading to the collapse of the birth rate to under 2 kids per woman. For example, the birth rate in major cities in the US is around 1.5 vs 1.9 in Rural towns. We evolved in tribes so women needed to pick the strongest best provider. In modern society women in Urban areas have so many options that they have to make a snap judgment about a man’s worth based on there job status or income. In Rural towns people are more likely to know each other on less superficial terms. So they can gain a better intuition as to whether the person will actually make them happy. Or stated a better way, the greater familiarity might lead to a subconscious improvement in the alignment between the stated and reviewed preferences as they are making less of a snap judgment. So a prom queen might know that the class president of her high school class has a lot of traits that make them a good leader and potentially good provider. They don’t have to rely on your job title as much, like on a dating app, and thus they rely more on the intuition that evolved in a tribal environment. So the population collapse is largely due to birth control, and housing prices. But this factor of too much choice for what women evolved to have could be partially to explain for the pending population collapse. Like should we actually require limits to building heights, and re design cities to better spread people out to smaller neighborhoods. This urban population collapse has to have underling drivers to it because it has happened throughout history in the rise and fall of civilizations. If you look up the mouse utopia experiment this miss match between the sex’s ability to mate select, in an environment similar to the one they evolved in, could explain way more than just declining birth rates. That experiment four male and four female mice were placed into a massive enclosure with unlimited food. The mice rapidly reproduced and then the population collapsed in a year to 2 year cycle. The males got more feminine and the females got more masculine and started killing off the mice who were still reproducing. We are seeing a rapid rise in rates of gender dysphoria, homosexuality, and a reduction in testosterone among men. This might be due to chemicals in the environment like pesticides and micro plastics, but it could also be an unintentional side effect of urbanization and dating apps increasing the distortion between stated and real long term preferences. So another strategy to get laid would be to direct message cute women I went to high school that live close to where I live now.

[@Cant_find_good_Handle]

There are some very interesting concepts that come up later in the video. The biggest one is that women overestimate the importance of a good job and career, and underestimate the importance of looks. There are both personal strategies that could be used to improve my chances of getting laid, and macro political consequences to better understand with this knowledge as well. On a personal level I got laid from a good job when my entire team was cut during the tech layoffs last year. Afterwards I started a small business. I forgot to change my job on one Hinge, but I did change it on Tinder and Match. I lost about 55 lbs after leaving this job as I started working out every day, and uploaded those photos to all my accounts. My Hinge account that states I am an industrial engineer at Amazon started getting a ton of hits, but my other accounts stating I run my own small e-commerce company do not result in likes from a lot of attractive women. What this study shows is that I would be more likely to find an attractive long term mate if I leave my Amazon job on my profile. And I the explain to them on the date that I am not at that job any more, but that I stated a e-commerce company that makes me about the same income with a better work liked balance. Overtime women care less about your job title status, as this study shows, because the results of that mate selection decision in modern society is not as predictive of a relationship success as it would have been prior to modernity. If I went back to a high status and high stress job I would likely gain a lot of weight and become less attractive than I actually am to women being in shape and having my own business. But if I was honest on my profile the miss match in stated preferences and reviled long term preferences women would be less likely to like me even if they actually should based on where they are in the sexual marketplace. Evolutionarily this could partially explain why urbanization combined with birth control is leading to the collapse of the birth rate to under 2 kids per woman. For example, the birth rate in major cities in the US is around 1.5 vs 1.9 in Rural towns. We evolved in tribes so women needed to pick the strongest best provider. In modern society women in Urban areas have so many options that they have to make a snap judgment about a man’s worth based on there job status or income. In Rural towns people are more likely to know each other on less superficial terms. So they can gain a better intuition as to whether the person will actually make them happy. Or stated a better way, the greater familiarity might lead to a subconscious improvement in the alignment between the stated and reviled preferences as they are making less of a snap judgment. So a prom queen might know that the class president of her high school class has a lot of traits that make them a good leader and potentially good provider. They don’t have to rely on your job title as much, like on a dating app, and thus they rely more on the intuition that evolved in a tribal environment. So the population collapse is largely due to birth control, and housing prices. But this factor of too much choice for what women evolved to have could be partially to explain for the pending population collapse. Like should we actually require limits to building heights, and re design cities to better spread people out to smaller neighborhoods. This urban population collapse has to have underling drivers to it because it has happened throughout history in the rise and fall of civilizations. If you look up the mouse utopia experiment this miss match between the sex’s ability to mate select, in an environment similar to the one they evolved in, could explain way more than just declining birth rates. That experiment four male and four female mice were placed into a massive enclosure with unlimited food. The mice rapidly reproduced and then the population collapsed in a year to 2 year cycle. The males got more feminine and the females got more masculine and started killing off the mice who were still reproducing. We are seeing a rapid rise in rates of gender dysphoria, homosexuality, and a reduction in testosterone among men. This might be due to chemicals in the environment like pesticides and micro plastics, but it could also be an unintentional side effect of urbanization and dating apps increasing the distortion between stated and real long term preferences. So another strategy to get laid would be to direct message cute women I went to high school that live close to where I live now.

[@seferis101]

What exactly describes "a good lover"? - this expression seems extremely vague and unprecise to me.

[@venumames6921]

I was thinking the same

[@twonotesdown4032]

Yeah that one could probably be expanded into another 10 items..

[@darkrebel123]

I think that just means you have a good sex life with the person. Good sexual chemistry. I think we all know what that means lol, even if the details are subjective and can vary.

[@alecandparker]

I was thinking the same thing… wait wut…. You guys are just gonna say “good lover” is the most important aspect when this term could potentially include every aspect of things you like about a person? No explanation at all? No wonder so many people chose that on the test, they also had no idea what the question was

[@Hoogachaka-ew2dn]

Ask yourself

[@Pr3ttyFly4AYTGuy]

Before we can even start the discussion, we first have to find the term “partner.” Biologists in the room, weigh in, please

[@eduardomartin8510]

I am glad he somewhat covered it later on, although not fully, because there's a BIG problem with the study. I believe they asked people who were already IN relationships, right? Well, for example, what if women selected based on provision and THEN, as the relationship went on, they found their man more physically desirable? Same for other traits in men and women.

[@jordanlyon7059]

Anybody else wish the spreadsheet was linked so they could look through the whole thing?

[@bryantaylor8848]

1:04:59 Since our society has been running away from marriage covenants and raising children it seems that there is more an emphasis on the individual and less on what might contribute more to happiness and success of the couple (and potential family) long term. Is it possible we focus more on the here and now more today than in the past? How do religious values play out in your studies?

[@iblue5808]

The one thing I was hoping you would delve deeper into is how the researchers structured the questions. Given the criteria for ideal mates is subjective, how do you quantify something like “attractiveness” across so many different countries and peoples with varying beauty standards? Were the questions structured in such a way that people choose an established number traits they believed determined attractiveness and subsequently the data was organized from that or was it simply putting attractiveness on paper. There is a lot more that I would like to know because it leads to what I believe to be trend across humanity where the further we get into the technological age the less we establish the structure in which we ask and answer. It shows up all the time when we see how misinformation is so easily believed and how credible information is seen with skepticism. The problems from this are cascading across the globe and studies like this I believe are vital to understand how to reach people further within a collectively accepted medium.

[@antariam]

No link to the study?

[@darkrebel123]

I can't post a link in comments but I found the study. Go to google and search "Research gate A Worldwide Test of the Predictive Validity of Ideal Partner Preference-Matching"

[@masteraus66]

​@@darkrebel123Thank you it needs to be in the description

[@federoffm]

Many of his "insights" were fairly obvious if one has any level of life experience. But there were interesting facts. Like the fact that if you say shared religion is important, you tend to act accordingly. Good to know the most folks are consistent in this regard. Marrying the hot guy (or girl) who doesn't want to go to church with you doesn't make a lot of sense. Act accordingly...

[@geoffn1530]

You don’t know wut I want. What I want is not attainable for me because I am a janitor and the type I like doesn’t like janitors

[@jimmyjamessac7171]

U aren't a janitor what makes you think you are that. Be easy n tell me that

[@dwzm]

How dare they not like janitors

[@oakenmaus]

I feel like this study completely misses the mark. The high ranking 'revealed preferences' like good lover and smell could be skewed massively by the fact that there is already an emotional component. You don't love your partner because they smell good, they smell good because you love them.

[@felix920]

Where can i find the research paper?

[@familyshare3724]

Up to 20' women expect more preferences met and have higher requirements.

[@nobueno8652]

Need time stamps bro.

[@Avsfan23]

I want someone who is: 1) Nice to me 2) Doesn't take or depend on my money 3) Mildly attractive That's it!! I don't care what race they are. I don't care how old they are (as long as they're at least 18 and aren't more than 20 years older than me). That's my type.

[@tanara4069]

I truly did give this episode a super fair chance but this guest talks a lot and doenst really say anything meaningful. Lots of data and no substance :(

[@venumames6921]

Exactly!

[@kzfingerprint]

I will admit this podcast could have been done in 5-10 minutes lol

[@jessemiller3108]

People caring more about a lover's ability in bed was interesting. I would have guessed wrong on that, myself. Maybe we all care about that more than we think we do. Also, I have to admit... hearing that women care more about attractiveness than they say (in 43 different cultures, no less) was appreciated. I can finally let that part of my brain rest knowing there's actual data out there now.

[@bendadestroyer]

It would be nice to see the data myself.

[@jensen4993]

That’s basically social psychology a whole lotta of “that’s common sense but I never thought of it”

[@angelatakano6072]

Too much bla bla bla: find someone wh you like physically and intellectually, who shares your beliefs, who shares how you would like to educate children, who shares financial ideas, who shares opinions of the world around you , who likes to do similar things but can enjoy to do things on their own. Who can let you your own space to do “men cave” things , who won’t get jealous , who appreciates you in many different ways, who likes to eat similar things, who respects where you come from, who can understand your intellect…… that’s the most important. Remember: women want stability, both mental, financial, physical , they want predictability, they want a good example for their children and an equal partner in the household . No need for so many bullshit papers

[@arielleandrist]

Divorce stats would clearly indicate how shit ppl are at that..

[@JJ-vp3bd]

@@arielleandrist how come its so high no compared to the 60s

[@arielleandrist]

My guess would be the societal acceptance of separation and dissolution. It's almost encouraged rather than derided as it was in the past..

[@Vlad-bs1js]

I stopped believing in santa when I was about 5 or 6

[@user-xt5hv6un4x]

Scientist.. let’s do a in-depth study on what people want in long-term relationships even though people aren’t looking for them. Maybe the study should’ve been what qualities they want in a fling. Ha

[@derek4412]

I am everything my wife wants in a partner. And that’s enough for me.

[@MrDirtclodfight]

Damn straight!😅

[@umnitsa-zp6iu]

I have always appreciated Chris and his interviews. Unfortunately, I couldn't get much from this novice researcher. He was quite often vague.. I watched the video but nothing. I also blame Chris for not orienting him from the very beginning...

[@raypatson8775]

Agree. This researcher is not a good communicator. I understand fairly complex research. But I could not follow this guy or what to take away from it. My head was shining from this guy going round and round in circles. I don't I can even get past 1rd of this interview.

[@Steph12894]

I wonder if these attributes matter at all when you have a partner that matches your world view, morals and beliefs?

[@ChaosTheory2332]

I can't take this study seriously. I wasn't used as a baseline for what women don't want so the researchers could work from there.

[@majesticbeast4830]

Is it me, or was this a bit of a let down? I was prepared for intrigue. Revelations. Instead, I find this info inherently flawed. 35 traits? Why this number? Everyone's understanding of each trait is going to differ based upon individual perception and experience. And the idea that we "rank" these traits in such a defineable way is ludicrous to me. I guess they're on the right track with this study, but it just seems fundamentally flawed in its attempt to quantify the un-quantifiable...

[@jessemiller3108]

It's still good data... Just need a link to the study to come up with your own conclusions. Sucks these databases hide good info like this behind a paywall

[@DANJEDI]

Good show 👍

[@toddslick215]

I think the blend of attributes is important. Would one be willing to take a hit on this for a bump on that? One may also be most desirous for a trait a past partner lacked. Like the water isn’t muddy enough already.

[@slaydreamer]

Stop having expectations of having the perfect partner

[@JJ-vp3bd]

Bingo

[@JulieSwenson_MortgageBroker]

I need this❤

[@leslietucker2656]

What about “connection?” Where’s that?

[@mrcorbak6793]

I did not understand or perhaps missed how did they get the revealed preferences?

[@magdastrachan8331]

Very interesting study and I am sure individual interpretation of what sexy, good body, kind etc is, will change the stats quite a bit!

[@jellyjams7217]

My mother was overly sensitive and cared too much about what others might think. I look for a partner that is the opposite. Someone savage and selfish

[@LuiseSandraqa]

this format really suits me

[@masteraus66]

Put the study links in the description

[@mclvusa]

This used to be common sense. No we need science to say so. Modern life with its depersonalized technologies, self absorbency and ideology wars has broken down essential courtship and relationships

[@Cr4nk0ld5choo1]

dating apps are not going to change anything. There are not interested in you to jump into a relationship and down from their platform .... bills bills bills^^

[@HasturTheKingInYellow]

The main problem is that people are not living anymore they are too busy surviving.

[@edheldude]

That's the choice they made.

[@ITSRAYANNNN]

I think people lost being held accountable when instagram removed the ability to see others activity .

[@lisaariottiart]

Shared values, goals and ethics , shared intellectual aptitude, physical and mental health ... and they turn you ON like Donkey KONG - and we good.

[@Nyumc99]

Agreed. It’s not that difficult is it. ? Don’t complicate the groove ! X

[@lauren8010]

Chris when are we getting married? I love you so much

[@intermission1864]

Conformation bias all over the place for those assessing there own parter/love interest for sure!

[@bumpupsapp]

Hey Everyone 🤠 Find the parts that interest you: 0:00 - Introduction to the study 1:01 - Desirable traits in partners 2:35 - Gender differences in partner preferences 4:18 - Stated vs revealed preferences explained 8:20 - Strong revealed preference for good lovers 12:13 - Unique component of partner matching effects 14:01 - Discrepancies between stated and revealed preferences 16:40 - Similar revealed preferences for men and women 19:10 - Gender differences in stated preferences explained 22:10 - Blend of physical and emotional traits desired 25:06 - Disagreements on attractiveness arise 27:29 - Risks of intimacy in close relationships 29:01 - Self-expansion through new relationships 33:29 - Importance of personal hygiene in partners 36:19 - Revealed preferences vs stated preferences 39:00 - Unanswered questions from the study 41:44 - Predicting good matches in relationships 45:10 - Stages of relationship initiation 48:01 - Importance of social connections in dating 49:42 - Chaos in falling in love 52:59 - Mate retention vs. attraction tactics 56:21 - Cultural trends in relationship preferences 58:02 - Female financial independence trends 1:00:51 - Positive feelings about partners Recap by Bumpups ✏️

[@marymimouna]

What I am really hearing in this discussion is that the relationship must have “chemistry.” People want to FEEL that chemistry, from the top of their head to the bottom of their toes. If it’s there, all the other characteristics fall in line behind that, even though they are important in a long-term partner. If a partner is attractive, kind, polite, intelligent, and rich, those attributes alone are not enough IF THE CHEMISTRY IS STILL LACKING.

[@NorisSpecter]

Of course, it's physical attractiveness... beautiful hate it because it chips away from their charisma, talent, and work, and ugly hate it because of the cope. Just accept it. You look hot = you look healthy. We like healthy. As for money... it may get her in your bed but won't make her wet. Selling your body has always been a big thing. Publicly or to a single man, it doesn't really matter. Ultimately, it's a good tactic for a comfortable life but not for nighttime happiness.

Main issue: love is not rational

[@barbspedia]

Could someone link the paper?? I can't find it!

[@jessemiller3108]

Good luck! Me either!

[@Simon-vi1jl]

Of course a ‘good lover’ was a strong predictor of feeling positively about a romantic partner. But they have it back to front. You have better sex when you like someone and you’re attracted to them.

[@Simon-vi1jl]

The same with attractiveness. Of course the revealed was different to stated. If you like someone, you’re gonna start to find them more attractive.

[@jayjaydubful]

It's not just that. Some people are more in their sexual power than others & there are physical/chemical compatibilities that exist outside emotional/mental connection

[@kushidris1375]

it's will be less confusing when we remember that we have different mating strategies for long term and short term partners and modren days mating mostly short term so.what we say we want is, what we want in long term partner the reveal seems like what we prioritize in short term

[@user-ic1mx4hj5d]

God tier!

[@happytrees6484]

My wife has everything i want in a partner

[@JakobusMaximus]

I think this touches on an important point. Someone who wants to be happy with their wife is more likely to be happy than someone who wants to oogle women at the mall. There is a level at which things are determined by our choices.

[@hugejackedman7423]

I can also confirm this man’s wife is an excellent partner

[@deutscherfischer55]

Partner? What are you, a cowboy?

[@sajaans]

Shuddup

[@whenpigsfly8178]

Everyone: Happytrees: "Muh wife"

[@anonymous_person_smith]

Do they ever get to it? It's like 1 hour of waiting for the results of this study

[@topherdalrymple6535]

Should have asked me. I wouldn't have lied.

[@MrNathan1575]

Whilst I appreciate the conversation these discussions seem to go nowhere. I don’t see how any of this direction in the conversation helps either gender move forward. I used to listen to a lot of these videos but find this a common theme in a lot of the guests. Is there a link to the actual study somewhere as I find the actual study itself would have been far more interesting to go through than just a couple of the themes in it & that’s it

[@TattooedTheist]

Beautiful

[@markgrayson7514]

Finding a Perfect Partner? Perfect people don't need your advice. Finding Good Enough and being considered Good Enough are the goals.

[@OlPossumOutdoors]

Ask her if she's apocalyptic ready. That's the goal, if your intelligent, strong people understand what is coming. If not your waisting your life.

[@yuzaR-Data-Science]

I feel like I did not learn much from this video. Chris rocks, but some of the guest are less prolific. "That's an interesting question" or it's variation was said soo many times. And there were no explicite answered to those interesting question, Chris asked. So, this guy, buy all the respect, does not feel like a good scintists or like a good communicator of his findings

[@Denis-lu2ki]

Where is the list, didn’t show it

[@ZackSamer]

really liked this video

[@angelofheaven199]

Thanks!

[@agi.kitchen]

So if you have to pick, ditch school to go the gym?