MONTESSORI AT HOME: Grace and Courtesy

MONTESSORI AT HOME: Grace and Courtesy
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[@lolajacomino6574]

Oh boy!!!! Don’t we need a lot of training. We need to start with the adults. Thank you for bringing this very important behavior in our society. VERY NEEDED 👍🏼

[@mumineveryway6269]

Great video. Hugs: 1 of my 6 children doesn't like being hugged by other children that aren't her siblings. At a young age (2 1/2) I taught her that in a situation where someone was approaching to hug it was ok to "lift her hand infront of herself, take a step back, and KINDLY say "NO thank you, I'm not a huggy person". It is important to teach children not everyone likes to be hugged, and that's ok. Hand Touch Waiting: With this method I extended it. I taught my children to place their hand on mine. But in moments where they really have to be patient I extended the teaching by placing my pointer finger (of the hand they are touching) on top of their hand. This acknowledged that I've "heard" them, but that I need them to wait a little longer than normal. This could be in a situation where I am speaking directly to another child/adult on something important in the moment, or I'm listening to someone (adult or child) and they need my full attention.

[@megansnyder13]

So growing up, we had something called the interrupt rule (basically what you described as the waiting hand) but there was one difference that I really liked. When we placed our hand on our moms shoulder or arm, she would place her hand on top of ours. This told us that she knew we were there and would talk to us as soon as she found a good spot in her conversation. Sometimes she would rub our hand with her thumb every few seconds to just make sure we knew she hadn't forgotten we were there. I think this really helped us because she was able to communicate with us that she knew we were there, but it didn't mess up the flow of the conversation she was having. I'm 31 and I'll still go up to my mom and put my hand on her shoulder at church if I need to talk to her but she's having a conversation with someone else lol

[@MariaandMontessori]

We recently celebrated Stella's 2nd birthday, and without prompting, at every present she opened, she looked to us or her grandparents with a beeming smile and said "THANK YOU!" 😃 Nothing more rewarding than a genuine moment of grace and courtesy over a trained response, in my opinion 🥰

[@HapaFamily]

And happy birthday to Stella!!! 2 already?!? 😝 Where does the time go?!

[@MariaandMontessori]

@@HapaFamily Thank you! The teachers at my mom's school were wishing her a happy 1st thinking it's only been one year! 🤣 Hopefully just a year left before she meets them!!

[@cjrrob7336]

Hi Ashley what a wonderful gift you have for teaching, sharing & guiding. Not terribly profound but such a valuable gift just like the grace & courtesy addressed in this vlog. Your children & all of us are lucky to "know" you.

[@storytimewithelisa3607]

Wow I haven't watched you in a while.. I am always so mindblown by how well spoken you are, how complex and at the same how down to earth the things you say are. Thanks so much for inspiring us!

[@doravalencia2214]

Modeling has been the easiest. Now my 19mo has known to sign please for a while and is encouraged to use it. I've heard of people teaching their kids to say "thank you" by taking away things and I just didn't like that. So by alot of modeling my toddler has learned to say "gracias" simply by giving the opportunity to do so.. she can't say thank you, but we all get gracias.. she knows to say it whenever she's given something or when funny enough when she gives us things. It works well if it's when we are picking up her plate or something but is funny when she's helping us with silverware and says it after every item

[@caz80]

Thank you for this vlog. I noticed Mia saying 'excuse me' in Tuesday's vlog and thought then that grace and courtesy would be a great topic for a vlog.

[@TSCStag]

This video showed up exactly when I needed it to. Wow. Synchronicity.

[@haniyyahahmadbonvini1980]

What a fantastic reminder and video, Ashley! John and I watched this together and the biggest change moving forward is to not influence Nuri’s responses to daily interactions and stick to modeling. As Italians and middle easterners we’re hardwired to mandate respect through grace and courtesy. Even after reading copious literature against coercing “please,” and “thank you,” we still involuntarily mandate it. This video brought about a colossal realization that we’re in this for the long haul and empathy, compassion, and respect should be intrinsic. She’s not even 3yo and sometimes we expect her to behave decades beyond her years… What’s an even greater realization is when our daughter is given the chance to express grace and courtesy, she blows us away! Thank you for the sage advice time and time again ❤️

[@MariaandMontessori]

I totally understand! In Belarus and Korea, there's also a heavy emphasis on respect, down to honorific language. My husband has tried teaching Stella how to address her grandparents with that language and when he realized she can't even properly say "hi" yet at that age, he realized how ridiculous his expectation was 😅 Granted, there is not much modeling of that given how limited our Korean interactions with others are (aka a chance to use honorifics and all the cultural nuances) but yet she has somehow started to pick up on them! They're phenomenal sponges, our kids!

[@haniyyahahmadbonvini1980]

@@MariaandMontessori Yes! Same cultural etiquettes with honorific language, particularly with elders and parents. And it is a bit ridiculous to indoctrinate that in toddlers lol. They certainly are remarkable beings though when given the opportunity to do so on their own 💕

[@haniyyahahmadbonvini1980]

@@MariaandMontessori I’m laughing so hard at properly saying “hi” in Korean. I STILL struggle with my friend’s parents in NYC at almost 37 yo 🤣🤣🤣

[@heatherfeather1473]

Ashley, I began watching you during the pandemic to feel a little less lonely and have continued to enjoy your vlogs as the years have passed. I have a just-turned-three year old and a 1.5 year old. I have gotten so many great ideas from you, I really cannot thank you enough! You have been an unknowing partner in the growth of my two little ones, and I appreciate your boundless energy to keep your children engaged. I just downloaded my first mega bundle, thanks to you. We do not have a Montessori nearby that is affordable for us, so my first will be starting a regular preschool soon (12 hours a week), but we definitely doing things at home the Montessori way (as much as possible). I was wondering, as an idea for future videos, if you could re-address some of the early literacy and math skills for children Mia's age? I am struggling with doing work with my first child that my second child doesn't obliterate. It can turn a bit nasty around here. If she leaves the area, then I can't help her. How did you mitigate that? My oldest and youngest are napping at the same time. My oldest stays up an hour later than my youngest, but we usually play games as a family instead of doing academics. Thoughts? Ideas? Insights?

[@dilpreetrajkhokar3162]

I'm in similar situation

[@adventuresawaitathome]

This channel is by far the greatest and most helpful. I have learned so much and implemented so many things and I’m happy to see how great they work. I’m a dad to a 2.5 year old boy and modelling is my go-to. The only problem I encounter is that I am raising him bilingually (I’m half German, half Spanish and we live in Germany, so I speak both languages) and I only speak Spanish with him. The problem on the one hand is that I’m very social and like interacting with people, on the streets, in the supermarket, and as he’s with me most of the times, he sees me in those situations speaking the “other” language, which mentally restricts my interactions a bit because I don’t want him to see me talking German too much since I want to establish Spanish as our language of communication and I’m basically the only person speaking Spanish with him. He doesn’t like it when I speak German and will protest and I can’t really be authentic in those situations. On the other hand, when it’s just me and him and other people, how do I model the behaviour of the other persons don’t understand Spanish? Like apologising to another kid when my son doesn’t want to share the toys or at the bakery when they give him a biscuit and I tell them “thank you” in German.. it’s a daily struggle but we make do. 😅 It’s just so much more fun and respectful to raise my son the Montessori way without yelling and arguing. So thank you for introducing me to it! Your channel is the best.

[@_imgracie]

So thankful for the timing of this video! I’m in the middle of planning some upcoming homeschool lessons and I’m starting to incorporate Grace & courtesy after our circle time 🤗

[@hannah239]

Ashley thank you!! So many questions I didn’t even know I have answered. Another awesome video.

[@adriannavanoyen]

I definitely want to try teaching my two year old the "waiting hand". She's unfortunately started to shout "Stop talking!" to me, my hubby, and my mum (which has been unsettling to me as we've never modeled that sort of language to her) and I think it stems from her desire to get our attention, and doesn't have anything to do with a certain noise level or other stimuli. Thankfully she's never said that to someone outside of our home, but I would like to nip that habit in the bud.

[@Dana-mb1hd]

Perfect timing thank you Ashley 💜

[@mcbunson]

I had an epiphany the other day. Those times you end up saying good boy, say thank you

[@sakshibansal1436]

You are simply amazing ❤️. Looking forward to more videos from you.

[@menthols247]

Thank You!

[@szherman7888]

Beautiful video as always 🤗

[@cristinacacacho4025]

Thank you, Ashley! As so many others have said, you have been such a valuable guiding voice in my journey towards becoming a more respectful and responsive parent. I am finding it hard to find a lot of Grace and Courtesy reference books that are specifically Montessori-aligned and was wondering if you would be able to recommend any. As always, your videos are full of meaningful advice, no fluff, no nonsense, well thought out and very respectful. Thank you for all that you do!

[@daianegomes-santos482]

5:25 ❤️

[@ar_m]

I want to add that social skills and needs are different for neurodivergent children and adults so holding them to neurotypical norms is setting them up to struggle and, if forced enough, teach them to ignore their own needs and body signals which can be dangerous in the future. Some examples: Eye contact can be uncomfortable or even painful for autistic people and shouldn't be forced. ADHD children may not be able to sit through an entire meal. In that case, allowing them to get up and move a little during the meal and then return to the table or having a fidget toy at the table will allow them to listen to the needs of their body and also help them be more engaged while they are at the table. Autistic communication tends to be more blunt but, that doesn't make it wrong and shouldn't be treated as such. I'm also a huge advocate for not forcing touch. Children don't have to hug anybody. I default to asking if they want a hug or want to be tickled. If they say stop then I stop immediately. Teaching them bodily autonomy is so important and even moreso for neurodivergent children who are often forced into harmful behavioral therapies that teach them to ignore their body signals and natural way of being. I think that grace and courtesy is essential but, keeping the neurodivergent community in mind as we do so is imperative for both neurodivergent and neurotypical children. So NT children can understand that other ways of communication and being social do exist and are normal. My hope is that the social norms of the future may be more inclusive of others and ND children feel more comfortable being their authentic self instead of masking to appease everyone and ending up in burnout.

[@ronjab4586]

I don't find it at all surprising that children are fast to give hugs. Their personal space is constantly violated by everyone, from family to strangers - so they constantly see that type of behavior modeled to them. Our toddler does not like to be touched by anyone except for us, which really made me realize how often people take the liberty to touch small children. Seriously ridiculous. I found that longer responses to ask for her personal space do not work in the moment - it caused our daughter to get visibly distraught and she didn't know how to handle it. So I taught her to simply say no - it's more important than any grace or courtesy to be able to say "no" in my opinion. It took a while but she is now confident saying no to whomever. Meaning with 2 1/2 she is further than I ever was as a kid - I was like our daughter as a child and didn't like to be touched but constantly was made to hug family and friends so no one felt hurt. So it's really important to me that our kids learn to defend their personal space. In any case, now that saying no is established, we are working on additional options that are friendlier (e.g. when someone wants to hug, she now also says "let's wave hi" after her "no"). Personally, I'm also very cautious about wanting eye contact (again, I wasn't a big fan as a child and I usually got more distracted having to make eye contact, difficulty following what was being said, etc). There are many ways to show being attentive or listening, so I provide different options and hope our kids find the one that makes them most comfortable. There are many situations where I offer our toddler "you can say/do ...". That helps her to understand what is expected in a situation without forcing a certain response from her. I find it so wonderful that my husband and I interact so differently socially. It really helps to model a variety of different social interaction skills and opens up the talk about how different cultures and different people choose to interact differently and how certain manners can be polite with one person but seen as impolite with another. There is not only one way to have manners and for me that is the most important thing for my kids to learn in order to learn to show understanding and kindness to all people. And learning this really helps with what another comment wrote about the uncertainty when different kids in a group have different manners - that is to be expected in a multicultural and diverse society.

[@zzzh9160]

👌

[@TamKaTVFamily]

Nice video: MONTESSORI AT HOME: Grace and Courtesy

[@wedidthematheson]

Question: I love the Montessori approach and your videos but this concept if very difficult to instill in my house because we are blended ie. we are about to have our first baby and my step daughters have visitation with their mom who does not believe in manners. I have an 11, 10 and an 8 year old who would do anything to avoid admitting mistakes and apologizing including manipulation. Say one child hurts the other either on purpose or on accident and we would just basically want them to “make it right” with a check in and apology. How would you use positive discipline to make this a teachable moment without enforcing those expectations?

[@jssfrk161]

So my daughter learnt to say her pleases and thank yous off me early & everything was dandy. Then the occasional forgotten manners would get the “what do you say?” from other people. She is a bit socially reserved and this turned thank yous and pleases into a hot topic for her and she back tracked. I tried story telling (we are in the second plane now) and it works a little bit, but I feel I have to do the “persuading” now as I feel the whole journey got disrupted

[@laartje24]

I am by no means an expert, but I would say it is not your daughter who needs to be taught, but the people that are pressuring her. If they stop putting so much pressure on it, and you keep modeling it to your child, I am pretty confident she will pick it up again.

[@melody_shmelody]

Ugh I feel you on this. My son was being given a hard time about this at One Year Old! And the kicker is that he was actually Saying thank you but the people who were chiding him couldn’t understand his speech at that time. So he would say it but then strangers would chide him for not saying it or hound him over and over to say it. My husband was a lot more lenient with these types of interactions than I was. I would simply say “he already said it you must not have hear him” and then tell my son “you said thank you when you got a cookie!” Or whatever. Then make sure to praise him to papa or his toys later that day. Seemed to help. But it just crushes him when he does the polite thing or the right thing and people don’t understand him.

[@rachelbingham3052]

I realize this might not be totally relevant to this video's topic, but I have been wondering about a specific situation I have often been find myself facing with my 3 year old. I currently stay home with her, and she is an only child. The amount of times she interacts and plays with other children isn't too often. So anytime we have a family gathering where she can play with all of her cousins; who are all close in age she tends to want to play but often wants myself or my husband to go with her. I have no problem going with her, however when I do want a break from children and want to enjoy some adult interaction I don't quite know how to handle this situation. I want to respect her comfort level of not wanting to go play alone, but I also don't always want to go with her. How do we do work through this from a montessori perspective? I hope it's okay to ask another question. I feel silly asking, considering you've already talked about potty training, however I feel that I have missed something when it comes to nigh time potty training. My daughter is still wearing a pull-up to bed, which is fine I just don't know how to approach the night time potty training. Daytime potty training made sense and she has that down, however I don't understand how to incorporate those same potty training values for the night time. How does Montessori approach that? I know she uses the pull-up as convince to go potty, which is why we never put it on until it is actually bed time. I feel that she won't learn to go at night as long as I keep her in the pull-ups for that reason. On the other hand I don't want to push her. Thank you

[@natalieeuley1734]

Oof the idea that my kid is going to rely on me to teach them social skills one day honestly makes me nervous. My bf and I want kids but we are both autistic and I'd rather my kid knew the right way to do things instead of whatever we know. I guess I need to find some kind of social skills class lol

[@laartje24]

Don't worry, we people with autism have another quality, we can learn about anything we put our mind to. And you seem to be very dedicated to teaching her well. I am sure you will do fine.

[@melody_shmelody]

I’m not autistic but I come from a career in education working with students from all different cultural backgrounds and ND students as well so what some might consider abnormal or impolite behaviors just don’t phase me anymore. Someone mentioned above about being sensitive to a child’s needs like not forcing an ND child to make eye contact. That extends to students of different cultures where eye contact is considered impolite. That being said, I think the spirit of this video and the topic in general is to teach children what acceptable behavior and social skills (norms and coping mechanisms) are for them specifically. Montessori is all about following the child and I am certain you and your boyfriend are (or will be…I’m unclear if you have a child currently) wonderful observers of your child and their needs-perhaps even better than neurotypical parents!

[@cherrybombsundae263]

me as an adult with zero social skills....well crap

[@Lumin1116]

Its so hard isn't it. My issue is I'm quick to rage. Currently having therapy for it but i feel like the damage is already done. 😕

[@wedidthematheson]

Same. I realize how rude I am to my kids when they annoy my because I hear my responses in them when they annoy each other🤦🏼‍♀️

[@laartje24]

@@wedidthematheson Seems like you will have a lot of perfect opportunities to model appologizing then. Nobody is perfect, and we all act differently, but how we react to it and deal with it makes the difference.