Most Badass Accidental Comebacks Ever Said (r/AskReddit)

[@pheo6874]

I had a teacher in middle school give me shit for using a pencil because, 'adults use pens.' I told him "Yeah, but adults still make mistakes. They're just too stubborn to admit it."

[@kmn6420]

this needed recognition, heres your W fam

[@coltontaylor5410]

Holy hell my guy. Absolutely f*cking genius

[@dezynjikReal]

Your genius almost generates gravity

[@fam2852]

My respect for you: 📈📈📈

[@ji2b]

I would have simply said "but am I an adult?"

[@zachgaines8349]

I got fired by a boss who wasn’t from my state. I said “do you have my final check?” “No” “then I’m not fired” and I went back to work. Got my final check 3 days later and accepted that I was fired. That’s not how my state law works but he didn’t know that

[@xxblack_adrenalinexx7347]

LMAO

[@unchartedraider7547]

Lmao

[@whatsthatcheesecalledagain]

Lmao

[@stephensingh6404]

Lmao

[@samuelevans738]

Big hecking oof...

[@demoniac4821]

My dad: "This ship is full of idiots" Me without missing a beat "And you are our captain". He gave me death glare lol.

[@demoniac4821]

@Burger Cat Thank you xD

[@take1835]

If I said that to my dad he probably would have thrown me overboard

[@demoniac4821]

@@take1835 Worth it!

[@reaperhunter7297]

Freaking smooth I bet felt dumb lol

[@memeboi2096]

Jesus christ apply cold water to burned area XD

[@M4gl4d]

My dad was bragging about how he'd never hit me. I was walking past, and called out "liar." He noticed me and cried out "shut up or i'll hit you!" I said "There, the truth." I was in trouble, but still felt so satisfyingly right.

[@IraRamba]

What was the reaction of the person he was bragging to???

[@M4gl4d]

@Astriclxud Sure, this was decades ago.

[@M4gl4d]

@@IraRamba Laughed it off. Grownups sadly forget what it is like to be a kid. I made a promise to never forget, and I'd like to think I've kept it

[@DepressedCrow]

@@M4gl4d Remind your father from time to time

[@2miligrams]

@@DepressedCrow "Hey dad" "yeah?" "Liar."

[@xfrianimations1354]

"A table would be nice!" "Actually, people usually sit in chairs here" *sometimes his genius...its almost frightening*

[@mishagaming1075]

IN??? DO THEY JUST TURN ON NOCLIP?

[@one_logic]

In chairs? I’m petty sure people sit on chairs.

[@SebHaarfagre]

I have obsessive traits, this is the opposite of "genius" to me lol, it's just a great opportunity to be pedantic towards an illiterate person in a funny way. If I was completely "lost" in my disorder or had Asperger's or something, I'd _literally_ think he wanted to sit on a table.

[@SebHaarfagre]

@@mishagaming1075 🤣🤣

[@StyxDescension]

My mom's BF. He cheated on his wife to be with my mom. He doesn't like me. Once when yelling at me he told me that I "have no respect for anyone around me" because I'm often up on my PC late at night, and sometimes I'm too loud vocally. I retorted with "yeah, you'd know about respect considering your wife and kids" on a whim. He definitely hates me now.

[@hiimlonelyaf2930]

Wait WHAT, fr tho? Do ur mom and the wife know that he's cheating? He sounds kinda toxic if u ask me.. be careful bro, I might be too paranoid but I saw a lot of similar case to this one(btw nice comeback tho, take care)

[@StyxDescension]

@@hiimlonelyaf2930 everyone is aware, yeah.

[@memorableman3709]

That guy hates you because he knows he aint never recovering from those 3rd degree burns you left on his sorry ass.

[@axnne7152]

My face the entire time reading this 😬😬

[@sistersamich2075]

Ooooooooh you got him good dude 💀😭

[@thegamingillustrator]

I was being harrassed at school once, and being verbally assaulted by a guy who looked like he benched mt. Dew cans. I suddenly had a violent sneezing fit that shut him up, and without missing a beat, i stared him dead in the eye and said "sorry, i'm allergic to your bullshit." One of his friends just laughed at the absurdity of the situation, and i just walked away while he tried so hard not to laugh at my comeback.

[@s.nifrum4580]

I’ve used that one too! Got it from I-robot

[@nillabean6041]

You win 🤣

[@nothere3982]

😂😂😂

[@anonymousx1101]

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!!!

[@dxl___]

*This should be posted in Reddit and given credit on KZbin.*

[@ihmesekoilua]

I was divorcing my abusive wife, we ended up in court. In front of the judge, her counsel - trying to get me to admit to doing something I hadn't done - asked me why I didn't check if she was ok after I punched her. Off the cuff, I answered truthfully: I didn't check on her because at that point I had yet to be informed that she had been punched. The judge snickered and the matter wasn't brought up again.

[@kmn6420]

10/10 m8

[@nicolelowery2909]

Nice

[@akarichan8338]

Underrated mate

[@unknownvariable2456]

dam bro, must've felt good.

[@lilscenechick1995]

I'm glad you got away from her. Nobody deserves to be abused.

[@Darkskymadian]

Got into a heated argument with a teacher over them not accommodating my additional needs, their excuse was that "I didn't look autistic enough" I responded "how do you expect autistic people to look it isn't a catalogue where you can pick or choose"

[@azrael4635]

True I'm autistic and my brother is getting tested for autism, kinda surprised my sister hasn't gotten tested

[@previously-._.-katu]

Dang. You showed them. Aside from that.. those people actually exist? I have autism(and have good control over my autism) and never in my life I had someone tell me or someone else I "didn't look autistic enough". I had some teachers who didn't understand enough about autism but never thought I didn't have it because of the way I looked

[@Thebloodbornreaper]

High-Functioning aspie here….Yeah that’s a common problem. It can screw up your self image. Especially if you’re at that impressionable age. But accept and embrace the fact that you think differently than everyone else and have to go about things differently than most. Take any advantage you can, those types of authority figure don’t care about what’s in your interest. They care about making their lives more convenient. (This is very hypocritical coming from me as it’s something that I have difficulty doing, But keep moving forward )

[@ShadowDemon_4]

"You don't look autistic." Ouch. That brought back some uncomfortable feelings. I've been told to my face that I was faking it and that I should be ashamed of myself.

[@reetasingh6297]

​@@ShadowDemon_4 Virtual Hugs from me! 🤗

[@nishikigoi.]

One time at my old school this girl made a statement that it was illegal to be hotter than her. My response to her remark was: “I guess we’re all going to jail then!” After I said that she was pissed and tried choking me lmao 😂

[@OffGridInvestor]

Girls who say that crap need to be bought down.

[@markmuller1559]

💀 How did you respond?

[@nishikigoi.]

@@markmuller1559 It says in the comment- 😐

[@markmuller1559]

@@nishikigoi. I meant how did they respond to getting choked by the girl

[@nishikigoi.]

@@markmuller1559 Sorry for the 1 month late reply! But when she choked me, I was caught of guard, mainly from how bad her choking skills were (considering at the time she did self defence class as well as karate). I yelled at a friend close by to help me, and he proceeded to throw a basketball at the girl’s back, which made her loosen her grip around my neck.

[@heyguys836]

"Im McChokin" has to be one of the best things you can say whilst on the verge of death in a mcdonalds

[@murasakirin8998]

Every time I see McChokin I start dying of laughter, especially since the comments after it were pure gold!

[@fantisea6582]

@@murasakirin8998 😂

[@guidinglight9082]

"Someone got McMad"

[@tom.walder]

what time was McChokin?

[@dxl___]

@@guidinglight9082 “Just like Joe McMama”

[@some_guy_8923]

“I swallowed a penny once, it tasted horrible.” “Hey! Your finally worth something!”

[@lunsine]

holy shit that burns lmao

[@OpalyzedYT]

That’s a fat L there.

[@farofa2843]

"And you are still worth nothing"

[@tectec7065]

Hey s/he was worth something before swallowing the penny. Hearts go for a million, livers about $500,000, and kidneys go for $200,000 each.

[@lunsine]

@@tectec7065 it's only worth if its outside the flesh

[@chillinvillain7800]

A really loud kinda annoying girl in the class was bickering with a guy about how she gets enough exercise and I said “yeah, from running your mouth” and it got a good reaction from people, and the girl actually said she found it funny later, and that is my one claim to coolness

[@stephensingh6404]

Yes, Just, yes. [In the background]: actually Me: I SAID YES

[@teaandcoffee195]

I have a girl like that in my class and will argue about ANYTHING. No one really likes her, she's the cause of a lot of drama at my school.

[@blendyboi5023]

@@teaandcoffee195 tell us more

[@ALJ9000]

@@teaandcoffee195 Better call Ben Shapiro

[@Hm-dh1vu]

@@teaandcoffee195 cool profile girl where is it from?

[@germanenginerd3802]

I had a 2 week "work trial" as i applied for an apprenticeship (welder) , ive known nobody there, the higher-ups in the company were not distinguishable from the regular workers (same clothes etc). I was talking to a industial mechanic while leaning against a wall, one dude walked passed us, looked at me and said something along the lines of "how about you stand up straight?" answered "its earthquake season, better lean on something solid". He shook his head, smirking. The mechanic looked at me in shock "that was the manager", i got the apprenticeship 2 days later and am still working there.

[@mahapatrasohamm]

I mean, it’s got you the job 😂. Man thought that someone that good at ending a conversation probably is a good hand to keep.

[@jt.Singer]

Before I met my current girlfriend, someone was hitting on her and said "are those space pants? Cause that ass is out of this world." She replied with "no, but it's out of your league." I heard this story and laughed so hard for a solid 10 minutes

[@falconplayz9126]

Damn bro 😂

[@JaredPascual]

he will never recover from this burn

[@zishanvhora3139]

deeeeyyyym

[@ChompyMaster]

Emotional damage

[@stapoldypropagandaaccount]

DAMN.

[@briannemurdock4183]

To my ex-husband during a fight: "I wonder what it is I hate about myself so much to think you're the best I can do."

[@bogartwilley]

Dam... That is some hardcore reality check right there for the EX Hubby lol

[@cavemannneonderthal2516]

aw shit man this is just depressing

[@demomoon1552]

Holy shit he killed you I don't know how I could survive that

[@briannemurdock4183]

@@demomoon1552 He lived. I left.

[@coredefect6134]

Poor dude

[@-jupiter-3140]

Was in class once and a kid looked super tired. Their friend asked what was wrong, and the kid responded “I’m feeling kinda depressed” The teacher, without even looking up from their phone, responded: “kid this is middle school, even the teachers are depressed”

[@chocolate251]

Teacher knows whats up

[@kateschwartz1965]

Has a point I'd imagine.

[@venezolanoanimatios5863]

What was the class reaction?

[@a.j_hasantlers3752]

Jupiter, I found you again! What a weird coincidence!

[@-jupiter-3140]

@@venezolanoanimatios5863 We all just nodded and continued our day

[@nomireelnom4265]

i have this friend at work, and occasionally we'll pretend to not like each other and be on the verge of fighting. She asked me once if we had a problem with all the bravado her 4'9 self could muster. Before I could think of anything better I responded with "If we had a problem all your stuff would be on the high shelf"

[@deusexmagica4659]

She should have come back with "No one is taller then the last man standing."

[@oliviahasacat384]

As a short person, ouch.

[@nomireelnom4265]

@@deusexmagica4659 great cheesy action movie line but i don't think it fits too well in this situation

[@sunshinegamer1981]

To quote Dragon Ball Z Abridged Goku; "That's Disney evil!"

[@meaganwebb3554]

If someone said that to me, I would actually laugh

[@SlashtheHedgehog7]

I was on vacation with my family about ten years ago. The power had gone out in our condo, and so I had to keep the bathroom door open so I could see what I was doing. A loud thunderclap hit right above the condo we were staying in, and once the sound died out, I called out from the bathroom "sorry!". My parents and my sisters cracked up. Probably one of the best examples of my occasional quick wit.

[@ultragamer8816]

Plot twist: ur thor the god of thunder but ur parents and sister didn’t know tht

[@nathanielsepulveda2045]

SHAZAM!

[@germinlao5299]

Thunder shit

[@jcoolguy1548]

That's the kind of joke I would've made

[@gamester512]

Not sure it counts as a "Badass Comeback", but it was one night when my parents and I were eating dinner and the news was on TV, and they were talking about a couple that had been dancing for 7 years or something (this happened well over 20 years ago, so I may not be remembering this precisely), and without even thinking I immediately blurted out: "Their legs must be really tired." My parents immediately cracked up. XD

[@kimeko7624]

My math teacher came up to me and said that my calculator was small and useless. I said “You are too.” Lol, best one yet.

[@xxblack_adrenalinexx7347]

Instructions unclear I have been suspended

[@kuyakaru9557]

Why does your teacher care what calculator you use? Nice comeback but I feel like this is untrue 😐

[@chensa8677]

@@kuyakaru9557 usually at least for us a scientific calculator is ABSOLUTELY REQUIRED.if you bring a regular calculator- holy shit- the teacher will blow a FUSE and you will fail your test lol

[@jaedenk999]

@@kuyakaru9557 scientific calculators aren't for science though :/

[@kimeko7624]

@@kuyakaru9557 Why’d I make it up? To give more context, I was going to French and just happened to have a calculator in my pocket, and decided to tell him, lol.

[@ChungySlav]

Teacher lined up my whole class in front of 2 other classes to recite some dumb made-up company descriptions. We were having the time of our life, fucking around until the teacher snapped. "What the f*ck is wrong with all of you? It's like I'm in a damn zoo!" My comeback, the line I will remember for the rest of my days, was "Which side of the glass are you on?" Best write-up I had ever gotten in highschool.

[@dxl___]

How come this ain’t getting likes? That is °999 degree burn!

[@asimp1778]

💀💀

[@whengaming9999]

Did not see that coming…

[@karma8395]

😂😂 sick

[@newbilex4033]

@@whengaming9999 lol I see you everywhere

[@floopismcfloorpus4396]

Today I learned: *”A good way of shutting someone up is to remind them of their own mortality. They’ll be too busy having a small existential crisis and fearing the absolute inevitability of death to continue talking.”*

[@greyson2344]

How would I do so?

[@floopismcfloorpus4396]

@@greyson2344 Idk, I guess just try to organically work it into whatever situation or conversation you’re in (someone insulting you, someone saying that wish you were dead, etc.)

[@lunaticbz3594]

@@greyson2344 Unless they set you up for it, its probably hard to do it naturally. Though some variation of the line 'well in 100 years we'll both be dead so does it really matter?' could probably be inserted into a lot of situations without being too out of left field.

[@spindash64]

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m planning on living forever. Miss me with that sad shit.

[@greyson2344]

@@spindash64 immortality is a curse. You have to watch all your friends and loved ones die while you just sit there and watch the world destroy itself

[@ziqi92]

Way back in the day, a high school of friend of mine got a B in her math exam and was kinda bummed about it, but her mom tried to cheer her up by saying "you're doing like 200x better than I did when I was your age!" but then her dad comes in and said "yeah, but what's 200 times 0?"

[@esperantrultristam2694]

LMAO

[@ultragamer8816]

TURN DOWN FOR WHAT

[@redwolf344]

A girl tried to trip me in gym one time when we were doing stretches saying I was "doing it wrong" she was not very thin so I said to my friend loud enough that she could hear it that at least I can actually see the foot I was reaching for. She was also in my English class and we were writing about what we look for in a person we date and I said a good personality and before I could finish the rest of the list she ask "so you'd date me" and off the cuff I replied "I said a good personality"

[@julianvenegas642]

“STOP! She’s already dead!” 😭😂

[@bxms1783]

Bro you literally put her 12 feet in the ground with those absolute gems of roasts

[@xaracen7207]

you know how boys pull the pigtails of the girls they like? i think she was trying the same thing my guy. yes if she was interested being a bitch is the exact opposite way of going about it...

[@michaelacameron9481]

I was annoying my older sister, as you do, and she got really pissed and growled, "You're skating on thin ice" And with out missing a beat, i said "I can't even skate on normal ice so I think I'm doing quite well."

[@masquerademage]

i'm so stealing this if the situation ever comes up lol thanks for the laugh :)

[@forgotten7873]

@@masquerademage same

[@rhysturner7922]

This comment: exist The boys: O U R C O M M E N T Btw I'm pikeing this

[@theidiotictroublemaker2281]

Nice! Now I am stealing this

[@Zipesthemanokit]

😂😂💅✨😩

[@paulisnotonice]

When he said "*open bracket underscore closed bracket*" i felt that

[@hazukichanx408]

So cool O_O

[@solacebeyondsolace5926]

I was breaking up with my girlfriend and she wouldn't accept it. She asked, "after all that I give to you, do you really want to break up?" I responded with, "What have you given me other than headaches and head?" And... well... my friends recite that line to me every now and then lol. This was back in high school and she confronted me while I was eating lunch with the boys.

[@ThereaalSP]

This comment wins

[@scrapthatwithmatt9520]

Hahaha omg, Good one 😂👍

[@muhammadfitri6531]

F

[@hongjuune3138]

that’s funny as fuck

[@runicflower127]

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

[@rocketfingers-JSR]

I was at my best friend's wedding dinner. The newlywed's daughter was sitting to my right asking questions that typical 7 year old would ask which I was happy to entertain to give them some child free time. His sister in law, who I said nothing to all day as we didn't get along, was seated to my left and apparently took exception to this so she spouts loudly that I have a tiny man part (in the middle of busy restaurant). She and I never dated or did anything so there was no way she was speaking from experience. Without flinching, I looked her dead in the face and said "all this from someone who couldn't get laid at a prison with a fist full of paroles." The whole table bursts out laughing and she runs off crying like she was the victim. Probably not my best one but definitely one of the more memorable.

[@ultragamer8816]

One of my memorable ones was when one of my friends was talking about his girlfriend in a mobile game he was playing(bitlife u might have heard of it)so i said”your girlfriend must be from another nation. Your imagi-nation” he wasn’t best pleased

[@rocketfingers-JSR]

@@ultragamer8816 That's a good one!

[@KeyboardTarantula]

incredible!

[@staffsargemobuto]

At my previous job, there was a girl who kept saying I was her boyfriend, which I constantly told her no. One day, in front of basically the whole staff, I told her "You have a split personality and one of them is confused"

[@drunkendevil6960]

"I can't promise you I can stop him from fighting, but I can promise you I won't let him lose." That one was epic imo.

[@TylerTheDefiler]

I was at my girlfriends parents house reading about Zelda Breath of The Wild on my phone. Her Dad asked what Zelda was, I said “Its a video game. You really don’t know what Zelda is?”. He aggressively says “No, because I’ve seen a [FEMALE V-WORD]” I looked at my girlfriend, then back at him and said “So have I.” He never responded.

[@coredefect6134]

Ahhhhhhh ha ha ha ha

[@twentyonetortas5921]

so how did he not kill you for saying that? like if i said that to a potential parent in law-

[@TylerTheDefiler]

@@twentyonetortas5921 I guess he was just stunned that I was able to throw his insult back at him. We’re cool now though

[@twentyonetortas5921]

@@TylerTheDefiler oh sweet. any advice on not making SO's parents hate you? (asking in case if i have to meet someone's parents in the future yknow)

[@die4289]

@@twentyonetortas5921 If you eat them after you get some of your energy back

[@SammPlaysGames]

I was playing uno and someone said “if I can’t see it, it doesn’t exist” and I then said “I can’t see your brain” Edit: why are you people still interested in this? I forgot it existed until today

[@ihmesekoilua]

I believe that's known in the industry as the "uno reverse" card.

[@SammPlaysGames]

@@ihmesekoilua yep

[@stephensingh6404]

Ive heard this so many times, but the fact that u were playing uno makes it so much better.

[@SammPlaysGames]

@@stephensingh6404 ye

[@mothman6380]

That’s more murderd by words than badass but still great

[@funnyguy_1134]

I got in trouble for truancy in 6th grade. Somebody was asking me for help with something and another kid said "why are you asking him for help he missed half the year." I just said "and im still smarter than you." And everybody in the room including the teacher burst out laughing.

[@LLC00LJ]

Me and my friend (who's name will not be discussed) were shooting dart guns at each other in the 6th grade, and without thinking I just manually said, "I never thought it would end like this, you were like a brother to me.", then my friend went with the flow and just said, "I'm sorry, my friend, it has to be this way.". At that point we both went into scream-laugh mode.

[@yangmingmeng5414]

*Girls gossiping about some girl and some boy(who was bullying me at the time) being a potential couple Her friends defending her: They just don't match, they can't be put together Me, kind of the quiet kid: Like Plastic waste and residual waste

[@crazycreeper3653]

Ohhhhhh

[@dyno9415]

I got bullied in my 2nd and 3rd grade but i don‘t really remember anything about it

[@yangmingmeng5414]

@@dyno9415 I got bullied all the way from primary school, then moved for secondary school and got bullied till about 9th grade, and that's where I did that

[@teaandcoffee195]

MAN DOWN MAN FUCKING DOWN

[@Getwipedboiii]

So you're a insult sniper that's nice

[@edgaralanfrog]

“I bet you wish you could come to my party.” The girl who picked on me in 6th grade said this when she made it known I was the only one who didn’t get an invite. I said the only thing that came to mind because I was reading a book, “I would if I ever thought about you. I don’t think about you to care.” Dunno why it came to mind, never had this thought, it took a lot for me to speak as a kid, i still hate talking. But that little sentence really pissed her off and she started saying her usual insults. My teacher told me it was a mean thing to say, but was glad I said it. And that became my motto; If I ever thought of you I would care about whatever you say.

[@stephensingh6404]

I'm using this if dats ok wit u

[@samuelevans738]

Do you mind if I borrowed this? For dnd purposes.

[@aprammus9580]

How tf was the teacher on her side

[@tehe5743]

@@aprammus9580 It’s how the stereotypical teacher/school facilities are, they turn a blind eye when kids get bullied but when someone fights back they bring in the principal and parents

[@skeletalwither]

@@tehe5743 Can confirm. Luckily the kids picking on me straightened their act after my mother had a talk with their parents. I wouldn't say we exactly became freinds after that, but we were a lot friendlier with each other later on in life.

[@joshwheeler9700]

During Christmas Eve a few years ago, my mother decided to have my brother and his family over for dinner. We got Italian food for the night. While I ate my spaghetti, my brother turns to me and says with his face stuffed, "Josh, you're 22 years old and you don't know how Spaghetti properly?" Without missing a beat, I stare at my brother and replied, "Jon, you're 42 years old and you still talk with your mouth full?" His wife couldn't stop laughing for about 15 minutes. He knows I nailed him.

[@BLUE_FLUFF]

Why are you 20 years apart tho?

[@aprammus9580]

@@BLUE_FLUFF lol

[@arcanaz6583]

Your brother could be your dad.

[@dFuZeJoker]

@ThatRandomLady 22 siblings?!

[@inkblet]

hi josh are you ready for Josh's battle?

[@human2732]

My family tells me "I didn't teach you like this, you're so useless" After a year of this happening I got the courage and said "Well because you didn't teach me shit" I don't regret it.

[@warlord_aries3920]

21:30 I find this one incredibly funny because something like this has happened to me except I had a hell of a reply. So, for context, my aunt took me in for family guardianship when I was in infancy and I’ve seen her as my mother my entire life. One time my friend yelled “you’re adopted!” At me and I just said back “no, more inherited. Instead of buying me from a garage sale it’s more like I’m a family heirloom that’s been being passed around for years.” And we cracked the fuck up. That’s still an inside joke between us.

[@carpaltunneler286]

"If you can't look intimidating, look crazy" Lol actually good advice in a lot of situations. You'd be surprised how many strangers can be dissuaded from messing with you if you just channel the energy of a honey badger; "I may go down but I'm taking everything you hold dear down with me"

[@cchastant8251]

Not sure I've got crazy down, but my "inner mother" seems to project loud and clear when males around me are acting like naughty boys. Used to be an assistant manager at a 25 screen movie house. One night when I'm up to my ears in my own work, I'm called to stop a projector on my side and go down to deal with a pair of unruly men in that theater. "I have starts..." Showtimes to be started on time, that is. Well they told me to not worry about my starts, they'd cover those for me. Annoyed, I shut down the projector and turn up the lights for that theater. As I'm walking at a hall-eating pace, I acquire SIX male ushers and managers who follow in my wake. In my head, I'm thinking, 'WTF, they clearly have enough people to deal with this, why tell me to do it?' So I'm irritated by the time I reach the theater. My following of male employees linger close at hand, backup if I need it, I suppose, but out of sight of the two men who are still in the egging each other into a physical fight. I frown at them. At 5'9", I'm not the tallest or most physically imposing woman, but I wasn't planning on backing down. I have their sullen attention. "Everyone else came here to watch a movie. You can watch a movie, or you can fight. If you're gonna fight, you need to take it outside, so everyone else can watch the movie. If you leave, your tickets will not be honored or refunded." I had no idea if the Floor manager, a male, would or not, but he was one of the ones who trailed me there, so... "Are you going to watch a movie or fight?" I didn't mention that going outside to fight or staying in to fight meant that they would have the cops called on them. Duh, right? Still glaring at them like the naughty boys they were acting like, I watched them give each other sullen looks as they deflated and decided that they wanted to use the tickets they'd spent so much money on, and returned to their seats. They must have behaved well enough after that. No one called me back down, nor were there panicked calls for assistance in that theater.

[@joebrown1077]

Honey badger don't care

[@maggiem6209]

I'll admit this also worked for me! I am very petite, 5,2'', 108 pounds. I have two laughs, a more average giggle and a somewhat villainous cackle which is incongruous with my outward size. It's too deep, and tends to come out when I laugh at something I think I shouldn't be. Well, I also don't really take the safe advice all the time and take walks by myself, sometimes even at night. I love night walks. I was taking one of these night walks when this guy- homeless, drunk, high, I have no idea- comes up to me, and I can tell just by the hungry look on his face that I am in for a very scary conversation at the least. Probably something worse. He's walking funny, and cutting me off from the rest of the sidewalk, trying to herd me into an alley. I'm obviously terrified and indignantly angry that this random guy thinks he's going to treat me this way and I know I'm not big enough to take him in a fair fight, and doubt I could run from this tall guy who is so close to me. I decide I'll scare the shit out of him and the only thing I can think of to do is responding in a way he won't expect to how a petite lone woman would react to this situation. Despite being terrified and angry, I start trying to imitate a crazy laugh. At first it's entirely forced and fake, sort of stilted because I wasn't really sure what this guy would do, but the comedy of the situation and how potentially dire it is hits me, and I start laughing for real. Like straight up White from Bleach type snickering, building to a full on laugh, head thrown back and all. Throaty and entirely genuine. And this guy freezes, I feel like he stops breathing. And sensing he's not sure how to respond to this madwoman cackling at him, I lunge at the guy. I didn't really have a plan, but I was livid. When I used to go to martial arts training, I remember that the larger fighters never wanted to spar with me, because I could get under their guard and punch them repeatedly until they retreated or gave up. So maybe that was my muscle memory intending to attack this guy's solar plexus, I don't know, I just wanted to make his mind up. This guy leaped away from me like a cat with a scalded tail, and just turned and fled down the street the way he came. He said nothing, didn't even vocalize, his lips were clenched together in surprise, from what I could see, and his eyes were huge, and then he was gone. I imagine this random crazy dude probably thought I was the hidden master of the School of Fucking Batshit. The extreme behavioral shift from a normal woman walking alone at night like a perfect fucking moron, to some cackling mad woman, lunging out at random and suddenly trying to crouch incredibly low (in tight jeans, so I probably looked really strange since they weren't all that stretchy), must have been surprising. I don't recommend everyone jump at their attackers or even laugh, but I got very lucky, because I somehow managed to genuinely crack myself up in the process of getting jumped. 😆

[@darthtroller]

@@maggiem6209 As someone who relates to your situation of multiple laughs including a weird one associated with weird situations which then becomes a real laugh due the comical irony of the situation, I'm so proud of seeing the weird laugh being put to good use

[@papertonklol4865]

@@cchastant8251 used to manage a bar a few years back, and we had a lot of various staff, and i can tell you that out 1.9M 125kg beast of a man bouncer, were nowhere near as effective at getting rowdy men to behave or leave as our 1.5m 60kg blonde barback, she would just be all sweet and nice and all of a sudden explote with the fury of a thousand suns. it scared most men shitless, so whenever i saw people starting to beef, i would call in my tiny powderkeg support to fix the problem.

[@Aloofgoblinoid]

"... my dad is at the head of the table, you're the asshole." If this had been my child I would have died with pride.

[@ChompyMaster]

Fax. Best son

[@mixmaster6226]

I was drawing a dragon in my class once when the teacher was talking, and he saw me, stopped and said "is that a unicorn James, is that what we do now" and without skipping a beat I turned smiled and said "I could put your face on it and make it look pretty". The whole class died and never forgot it.

[@lunsine]

fuuuuck, thats hard on the teacher, you straight up and went and decimated his entire career, i would hate to be him at that moment

[@mixmaster6226]

@@lunsine lol he was mad about that. But he knew I was only messin

[@Kayenne54]

Well, you threw in a compliment too...his face would make it pretty...so...

[@Joltemon]

That's unfortunate that the class died though... /j

[@mixmaster6226]

@@Joltemon I felt that

[@damascusraven]

"You always argue that you're right." "No, I only argue when I know I'm right."

[@kimohani624]

For me someone called me ugly and I said "funny how you talk to yourself so much you forget you are having a conversation" I remembered this and was like, Ayo what

[@crow2616]

My mom: "Are you being smart with me?" Me: "Would you prefer it if I was dumb with you?" ...So I got grounded, uh-

[@edwingudiel4668]

🤣🤣🤣

[@lukassmith795]

I'd get my ass beat for that one XD

[@rebeccagiraffe225]

Another "favourite" with parents. Parent: why is all the stuff on the floor? Me: gravity. Or Parent: are you talking back to me? Me: that tends to be how conversation works

[@purp1whale468]

@@lukassmith795 I'd use that but I value my life

[@Renix360]

You got off lucky, lol!

[@ana-pj7lh]

I actually felt kinda bad about this one, but when I was in high school my english teacher was like, extremely overweight, and she hated me for some reason. So one day before we had a week off we had english class and she was being really mean and roasting me for no reason at all and I just said nothign and at the end she said to the class “have a nice break, stay safe and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” And I said “like working out?”. Not cool at all but she deserved it lmao

[@cat-kk9ly]

Xd

[@obnoxiouscommenter6194]

No, no, that's fair game

[@ej-ej49]

LMFAOOO

[@tamiathompson3426]

Shiiiiiiiiiitttt....

[@teaandcoffee195]

You are a god amongst men, also as a overweight person ( slightly overweight ) i 100% agree with you. And do not blame you for that

[@sykipsi7565]

Me and my friend were casually talking and this girl came up to us, she was trying to insult us but was failing miserably. My friend said "whatever man let's go". Without skipping a beat i replied "It's fine, Dogs don't irritate me when they bark." Damn the look on her face was priceless

[@St0pLookingAtMyProfile]

What was she even saying

[@zu1200]

@@St0pLookingAtMyProfile like he said she failed miserably they probably don't understand what was she saying😹

[@St0pLookingAtMyProfile]

@@zu1200 Makes a lot of sense

[@SoulofSymmetry]

My mom went through a bunch of medication in the past few years for different diseases an done of those made her appetite go away, so she always had a lot of food left on her plate when she was finished. My dad and me always "fought" who was allowed to eat the leftovers and usually he would win. We came up with super ridiculous reasons, when he suddenly went "I know your mom longer than you do" and he thought he was winning this. Instead, I answered "You might know her for longer than I do, but I know her for my entire life already."

[@arcadiaberger9204]

I was part of a group doing CPR on a woman who had collapsed, and one of the people said, "I don't think there's much point in going on", and there came this angry roar, *"WE WILL CONTINUE UNTIL THE AMBULANCE GETS HERE!",* and it was only because I felt my throat vibrating that I believed it was my own voice.

[@icraveanotherostrichegg2037]

When I was a kid I recall some girls coming up to me when I was playing around in the dirt. It was second grade but my mom had thought me some fun words since she use to read my sister and I the dictionary. In a matter of fact way, one of the girls said, " you're ugly. " And I quickly responded, " and your ignorant. " and looked over my shoulder, all three of them seemed dumbfounded and the one that said that to me asked, " whats that mean?" I replied with " my point proven. " needless to say they never bothered me again, and walked away without anything else to really say.

[@proyOFC]

you're a legend

[@agentsky6299]

Im 13 and adopted, some kid was all like "Your birth mom never loved you!" and I clap back with the most out of character comeback for me and say " my mom picked me, your mom got stuck with your dumba*s, so either leave me alone or feel the effects of being put up for adoption." He didn't talk to me for the next year of school

[@blank6179]

... The exact line is in the video.... ;-;

[@Deeyenen]

@@blank6179 its quite common

[@3ybh3lloll3hby3]

@@blank6179 agree with guy above, it's by far the most common comeback in any scenario, easiest to blend in with other kinds of insults and an effective one to those who haven't heard it.

[@blank6179]

@@3ybh3lloll3hby3 what i meant to say was that this person could first put the time of the video where this line was said and could have said "The same thing happened to me" or whatever

[@danidoesart2183]

I'm twelve and also adopted, and this just reminds me of how my adoptive parents' last name is Foster. Yep. So my friend told me that my name on her phone is Foster Child. Because that's what my mom calls all her kids(not just the adopted ones). I was like," DUDE I'M ADOPTED😂😂😂" she basically accidentally roasted me😂😂😂

[@13thephantom]

I remember in middle school I got cornered by my bullies, they were these two guys who played football and thought that because I was on the smaller side that I'd be easy pickings. Mostly right except for this day when they both got up in my face and said "You're about to get fucked up new kid" (it was like the 3rd day of me being there). Without missing a beat I said "Damn, didn't know today was the orgy." and they went dead silent before backing up and calling me a bunch of and then called me the F slur. I somehow kept the ball rolling and said "Dude your boyfriend is right there, don't use those words!" Got my face kicked in at PE the next day but it was totally worth it.

[@BY-sh6gt]

lmao youre a legend

[@funkyfreakyandfabulous9743]

Creep em out a lil more and piss yourself a little to really sell it

[@funkyfreakyandfabulous9743]

Asserting dominance

[@shimymaxd7034]

i will write you down in the history of books

[@setster007]

Definitely worth it.

[@Starryflame]

I had a moment during a D&D stream, where my character, who has gold scales and usually covers them with dirt (her "clever" way of thinking to hide her identity) met a similar race character (we are part dragon, but not Dragonborn, Homebrew race of the world) with black scales. Having only ever seen gold scaled people, she asked how her managed to get his scales so dark. He responds with something along the lines of "Have you tried being born with scales?" (I can't remember the exact wording from the player) and in an ingenious moment that probably will never happen again, I go "Well..yeah...they came out like this"... and the call broke out into laughter. I felt so very proud in that moment XD

[@Aenonar]

Reminds me of in the army when we had just spent 3 days with minimal/no sleep and the lieutenant came up to me asking if I'm tired, I just responded "that's just the way my face looks" and he just burst out laughing

[@Gracejkay]

This is more funny than BA, but still.. At my old job, there was a girl (I’ll call her Jazz) who worked there, left for three months and came back to work again; we had a work meeting that was really chill, and our boss asked us what our Zodiac sign was, And although it’s not important to me, I replied that I’m Scorpio, and also said “Jazz over here is a Cancer” Jazz looked and me and jokingly said “hey, are you saying I’m a cancer?” As in the illness. And without thought or skipping a beat I said “well you did go into remission for three months and came back” You better believe her and her husband (who also joined us there at the meeting for some reason) laughed so hard. She told me I should be a comedian, but I doubt I’ll ever come up with something that noteworthy ever again. I mean, I still have basic jokes that are good here and there, but it’s just not the same 😂

[@Skywalker8510]

This is such an underrated comment

[@Gracejkay]

@@Skywalker8510 aww thank you for your kind comment!

[@stephensingh6404]

@@Gracejkay you are yes

[@bikashtripathy2198]

You kinda eloquent & yeah I'm liking this comment

[@deussivenatura5805]

Beautiful.

[@jazmintaylor4857]

About a month ago my high school teacher told me I have no respect for adults. In the heat of the moment I responded “I only respect those that are worth my respect.” It was funny since I’m the friend to usually suck up to a teacher to get what I want. My brother was in my class at the time and I could hear him snickering

[@cormchaos2810]

Love the story. And your pfp

[@NorseGraphic]

Very true. Respect is _earned,_ never given.

[@kremshnit4223]

Me and my friends are playing tennis together, and we have one friend who is way better than us. Once, me and my friends talked (without the friend that is better than us hearing) and came up with a plan that we should set him up with a girl so he wont be as focused on tennis and we could beat him. Without thinking at all i said "theres only one issue with this plan, who in the right mind would want to be his girlfriend?" And everyone started laughing, while at first i didnt even understand why.

[@dark-san.]

Props 👏👏

[@yeahihatemyself14]

Imagine him being gay-

[@swag_flores]

@@yeahihatemyself14 lol😅

[@yanetflores3878]

Ok so a few weeks ago, my social studies teacher said something (I don’t remember what) and asked what he was missing. Only one girl named Randi raised her hand and when the teacher called on him, she said “The hair on your head.” Everyone cracked up and even the teacher thought it was funny and it became an inside joke to everyone.

[@ivomeulemans2458]

For context, I was a quiet kid, always kept things to myself and avoided taking part in any conflict. One day, I was probably around 10 or 11 years old, a friend of mine, his two younger sisters and me were playing table tennis in a public park. A group of older boys came by our table and told us to leave because there was no other table left for them, at which point my friend and his sisters start saying that we're not leaving and they can go f**k off. All kind of names are being thrown from both sides while I stay silent, until the older one looks at me and says "I like this one, not talking s**t like these losers". I walked towards him, he was quite taller than me, looked him in the eyes and said "I don't talk to idiots", walked back to the table and went on playing. He kicked me in the back and then they left. He hit me good but the pure satisfaction I felt from what I had said gave me the strength to not show any sign of pain before they had left sight of us.

[@XxWolfeXx]

I asked someone once who was being rude what it was like going through life with no one liking them. They responded "that's you not me". And without missing a beat and with a straight face said "So a lot of blame shifting and denial? Good to know." Didn't think about the impact until much latter.

[@NorseGraphic]

"Better to be alone than in bad company."

[@novarayne9388]

My ex got an A+ on a test (which never happens) and he was bragging about it so loudly, so of course without missing a single beat I told him "oh wow an A+? Did you cheat on that, too?" He quit talking about it the whole day after that :)

[@Kayenne54]

And...we know why that thought popped straight into your head.

[@novarayne9388]

@@Kayenne54 :)

[@angelicareyes4746]

Good :)

[@lateralath]

probably should’ve just let him be happy though

[@albedokreideprinz1012]

that's smooth

[@chickadee4316]

This was a classmate, but it started because I'd accidentally gotten the class bully a detention. The next day she was in the front of the room before class started talking about how I was so mean for getting her in trouble (even though I hadt't lied to the teacher about what she did, so clearly she deserved it), and then she said "Chickadee is such a bully", and this kid I wasn't even friends with stood up in the middle of the room and said "Shut the fuck up, [insert her name]. *You're* the bully." That was my last semester at that school for other reasons, but she sat down and didn't bother me the rest of the time I was there. I still think about that moment all the time like eight years later. That kid didn't have to do that, but everyone in the room was thinking it, and he was the only one with the guts to say it. Even my friends sat there and took it in silence with me

[@VainSick]

This sounds like something similar to what I did in high school in a social studies or self study class, there was this classmate we had who was such a nasty person, I think it was guy though but idk it’s been awhile, they had gotten some of my classmates in trouble for literally nothing that had anything to do with them. I was fed up with that persons shit and pretty much said something similar, weirdest similarity was there was a girl in that class who left that semester, it was freshman year.

[@sahejsandhu160]

@@VainSick imagine the both of you were in the same class and you happen to meet here.

[@curoskai]

A couple of people I went to high school with were talking crap about my brother, who graduated the year before. I said, "You shouldn't say anything to someone behind their back that you aren't willing to say to their face." He replied, "you think I'm afraid of your brother?" My response, "No, you're not smart enough to be."

[@DistilledBemusement]

In school there was the one teacher who everyone hated since she was just a terrible angry person in general. Me and my friends were standing outside her class waiting for her to arrive (she was late) and a friend was talking shit about her and I saw her turn the corner and I tried to warn them saying "She's here guys" "SHE can also hear you" so she confronted me in front of the other students and said "you know, if you were my son I would be very disappointed in you" and turned around to leave. For some reason what came out of my mouth was "If I were your son I'D be disappointed". Got in a bit of trouble for that but it was worth it.

[@ethanspivey1490]

Math Teacher my senior year knew my mom, and openly reprimanded me for stupid things. One day I told the loud and obnoxious kids to shut up because I couldn’t focus on my work (slow learner). Math Teacher threatened to call my mom for saying “shut up”. I proceeded to get up, walk towards his desk, pull out my cell and call my mom on speaker. Listening to him try to dodge the call was one of the most satisfying thing in my high school career. He never got on to me again.

[@brickabang]

I remember a paper aeroplane being thrown in my maths class and the first thing my teacher did was explain why the paper aeroplane someone made sucks. I think it was something “ Whoever threw this can’t even make a good one”

[@thatonecubchoo1541]

I take it you’re British person- or Canadian? Australian? I don’t know, dialects confuse me. I’m sorry but as an American seeing aeroplane and maths catches me a little off guard.

[@brickabang]

@@thatonecubchoo1541 Yes, I am British

[@Darth_Supaku]

To quote another teacher about flying paper, "I said whoever threw that paper, your mom's a hoe!"

[@krisweaver226]

@@Darth_Supaku I would've been very disappointed if I hadn't seen someone reply with this!

[@maevarum3728]

@@krisweaver226 there's a video on youtube dude

[@TheReverendPaqo]

A team at the office was demonstrating a program they had worked on for way too long and it was pretty poorly done. I don't really like this team because they waste resources that could be better spent, and I don't like putting up with their smug attitude when they are so inept, but I don't really hold it personally against them. This presentation though they were getting ripped apart by questions and comments about the problems with their code. My question about the reasoning for doing a task in an inefficient way was apparently the last straw before the presenter had finally had enough. He said "If my program is so bad, why don't you write something better?" I was a bit stunned and before I realized what I was saying I replied "If I wanted to I could eat a can of alphabet soup and shit something more coherent, but unlike your team I avoid creating crap code." Everyone in the room was completely shocked or mortified, then a few seconds later laughter erupted. The presenter turned around to leave and as he walked out of the room he said "I don't have to take your shit". I called after him "You probably should; it would be an upgrade."

[@Kalzock]

Damn, that was hilarious 😂

[@pink_sky_morning4842]

you took him to the slaughterhouse jesus christ

[@Mama_Badazh]

That wasn't a clapback. That was a brutal maiming.

[@knightlypleasures3123]

*Mortal kombat voice* fatality! *CoD voice* double kill!

[@papertonklol4865]

got a friend who works as a coder, and he told me a funny bit the other day, he is one of the senior coders in his office so he often gets a lot of extra responsibility, and on a project a while back the manager was just giving him absolute all managing tasks, badically doong notjing himself, so my friend got tired of the manager nd he decided for a bit of revenge, so he badicslly took it upon himself to manage the entire project for weeks, and once the peoject neared completion, he stoped doing this, and as the delays started the co pany decided to call the manager and a few seniors in to discuss the project status, and after asking a few si ple question wich the manager could answer, they started to ask some more complex question( wich the manager should have been able to answer had he done his job of managing the project) so the manager said "Well "friend" i think you can answer this yes?" to wich my friend delightfully responded " nope, im juste a code monkey, i dont know manahing stuff" wich left the manager absolutely pale and mortified. and the manacer ended up loosing his job iirc ps. my friend has absolutely no interest in climbing a corporate ladder, wich is why he did want to get stuck with manager work,

[@kinzey8]

It’s always so annoying when you think of a good comeback after an argument 😭😭😭

[@EZ-8]

My psychotic aunt was shit-faced and yelled at my grandmother for getting a dog, she wouldn’t leave so I threatened to call the police, she screamed that she knew the police. My immediate response was “why, because you get arrested for harassment so often?”

[@mirabelleabelle499]

There was this group of mean girls at my school, one day they came to me and just started trash talked me. One of them said "You know you are nothing compared to me, I have everything while you have nothing; Then I straight up said "Well I have something called a parent". Was I called to the principle for making her cry? Yes, yes I did. Did I go over the line? I think so. Was it worth it? As much as her plastic surgeries costs.

[@cookiecarton2387]

👏

[@Jaimyoutubing]

. . . This was faker than her supposed plastic surgery.

[@oioioioioi994]

@@Jaimyoutubing You don't know that, and the last bit could have been a joke

[@pterogen3415]

I thought you were gonna say, “Yeah, but I don’t exactly want STDs . . .”

[@aichi_d3a1]

Martyrdom: Drop a live grenade when killed

[@Atma_Weapon]

my nephew tried to call me ugly. my response was "even on my worst days, i still look far better than you."

[@Kayenne54]

I was pregnant (4 months but showing a lot); guy said "Wow you're getting fat!" and I pointed at his beer belly and said, "Maybe, but in 5 months I'll have lost this, what's your excuse?"...

[@Pamela.Schultz]

When I was 19 my mom had brought me to the grocery store and she was helping me carry the bags in. I ended up dropping a bag and said "b*tch!" and without missing a beat she says "don't call me any of your relations". It was so unexpected that I ended up kneeling on the ground laughing hysterically.

[@kiemagen]

damn

[@oksomynameisjeff4212]

she really spilled the beans out in the open lol

[@jjghbhjdh]

And then everyone clapped and you got 40 items for free because it was so funny.

[@nienel]

@@jjghbhjdh you have an aesthetic powerpuff girl blowing bubble gum, please take a seat. it wasn't even them being cool, it was their mum

[@jjghbhjdh]

@@nienel Somebody is mad

[@PotatoTalks55]

I was in an argument with my mum once and she said: “DON’T TALK BACK TO ME!” And so I replied “Well isn’t that how CONVERSATIONS work?” And I got grounded.

[@codymystar]

My old teacher told us a story, when he used to teach 7th grade there was this girl who was the most entitled pick me girl ever. She acted like she knew everything and when he was talking one time about stuff and she said something that made her act like she was so cool and amazing and he responded 'yeah cause you're so ghetto and sh.t' and the entire class just stopped and he said that she shut up the rest of the year

[@BizarreCoyote]

Junior year in high school, some shitty freshman tried to 'bully' me (I weighed about 90 pounds at the time, so I looked much like his fellow freshmen) during lunch. I ignored him for most of it, until he threw a bag of chips in my face. Without even looking at him, I said "hey, thanks, I was still hungry", popped the bag open, and started eating. He said "wait, you can't do that, those are mine!" "I mean, if you threw them at me, obviously you didn't want them." He stopped doing anything to me shortly after that.

[@SassyDerg]

I do the same thing. If someone waves food in front of my face tauntingly, I just snap forward and chomp it haha. My sister lost a cookie and a chicken nugget to it hahaha.

[@mollofistraye5164]

it's free real estate

[@The_Guy_Who_Asked72]

@@SassyDerg I took a whole corn dog from my friend when he did that to me after I read your comment

[@SassyDerg]

@@The_Guy_Who_Asked72 Yassss good job. Bet they reconsidered future actions hahaa

[@funkyfreakyandfabulous9743]

What a bozo

[@iz_bizz2010]

'you can't divorce me, you'll go to hell!' *CALL ME BY YOUR NAME INTENSIFIES*

[@Purple_Sweater]

Lmaooo

[@red0421]

Why would you go to live with them after the divorce?

[@DesolateCosmo]

My professor decided to play this guessing game and picked a country "where rich college students go to". Nobody got it right. I replied, "well, we're not rich college students." This is more of a selfburn instead of a comeback.

[@pompom4318]

England? Japan? Idk man

[@vcommandarv5916]

@@pompom4318 rhythm

[@jawnjawn3601]

Where is it?

[@konataradio4169]

r/kamikazebywords

[@SpiraSpiraSpira]

When I was 13 or 14 I was being bullied by this boy and I just was ignoring him as he kept yelling at me, he finally said: “You’re not gonna say anything?!” and I said “If you’re wanting my comeback you’ll have to check your mom’s face.” Then he punched me in the nose, but it was worth it.

[@user-gv2vd9eq5j]

My parents and grandma went to the casino a couple months back, and while they were there, I was somehow brought into the conversation. My grandma was telling my mom how she wasn't very fond of me having a nose piercing, especially when I did it myself without permission. (I'm fourteen and my mom told me a couple years back that she would be okay if I got facial piercings in the future as long as they could be removed and put back in safely.) My mom basically told my grandma that she was okay with as long as it didn't affect me as a person and it did take some time for her to get used to it. My grandma eventually dropped the subject, but never fully let it go. Once my parents got home, my mom told me about this. Without missing a beat, I straight up blurted out, "Well, at least I'm not smoking cigarettes, like a certain someone." I was referring to my grandma since she had done that, along with other "non-age appropriate" things, at the age of thirteen. My family got a kick out of it, so I think it was a pretty good comeback.

[@Vook]

From grad school a few years ago: Me: “Man, I was really pressed for time on that exam.” Classmate: “You had trouble finishing that on time?” Me: “Dude. You finished with 45 minutes to spare.” Classmate: “Yeah I don’t mean to be condescending but I like to finish tests fast.” Me: “Pfft. Yeah. I bet that’s not the ONLY thing where you finish fast.” He never talked to me again.

[@cyberfox9713]

You just made him thing his entire life 😂

[@Kayenne54]

Not really a proud moment, but some random person was telling me about her University reunion coming up (after ten years from graduation), and fussing about the lecturer and how he might bring up some thing that was embarrassing for her, and I was trying to put stuff into my car so just said "What makes you think he'll remember you?". Silence. In my head I am thinking Uni lecturer, may have hundreds of students a year, times ten years; personally I wouldn't expect him to recall me at all...Didn't mean to crush her though.

[@frauleinzuckerguss1906]

The fact that he never talked to you again showed that you hit a sore spot lmao

[@justsomerandompersononthei5087]

My friend made these motivational cards and had us pick one each day. One day I picked one and it said: “Keep your head up so that they don’t see your double chin!” I am obese and have a double chin. ☠️

[@Seismitoad3]

Sounds like a scam, having you head up shows off your supposed double chin

[@cat-kk9ly]

Okay, that's hilarious

[@skycloudgd8906]

That sucks to get

[@Lily_of_the_Forest]

That was a crappy friend

[@justsomerandompersononthei5087]

@@Lily_of_the_Forest She actually apologized immediately and has been more careful since. That card was not very sensitive but she is still one of my closest friends.

[@tommson6679]

My personal favorite is the one time I was in Swedish class (they are mandatory in Finland) and one of my classmates accused of me constantly talking (to be fair he was mostly right) so I pointed out that I had been silent for the last 15 minutes. He said that "I was talking in my head" to which I replied "It's called thinking. I recommend you try that some time".

[@danidoesart2183]

Ok so I hear that Finland schools are epic, and as an American I really want to know if that's true bc idk know what other school systems are like but I've heard that that ones the best.

[@tommson6679]

@@danidoesart2183 Depends on your definition of "Epic". There is a lot less homework (I can't recall when I last had to use more than an hour in a week for my homework, though I might be an outlier since I do my work really fast, and average student spends around three hours a week), testing is not as rigid, people are mostly alright (of course there are some exceptions both among students and teachers). Also there is pretty good support system for under preforming students and if needed the school has a psychologist you can visit (though they might not always be there). All books are paid from tax money alongside the school food (though the quality is not the greatest) for all mandatory education levels (so from elementary to high school/vocational school) and in the later years school also provides free condoms. Sadly there are also mandatory Swedish classes, and there are some highly incompetent teacher that can't be fired thanks to legal shenanigans (though they are in a definite minority, I met only one teacher like this in 12 years that I have now spend in schools). Testing system is also not as rigid as in USA, and in later years you are given decent amount of control over what subjects you get to learn. Mind you, this is based on my individual experience in Helsinki, the capital city, so the quality might be bit lesser in smaller cities, but as far as I know there should not be any significant dip in quality. And hey, significantly lesser chance of being shot is a definite plus.

[@leoallison636]

@@tommson6679 i suddenly wish to go to finland for highschool

[@Samxd90]

LEVAN POLKKA

[@ultragamer8816]

One of my favourites has to be yesterday one of my friends came up to me and said “skill issue” so i said “that sounds like a you problem” The first time I accidentally roasted someone

[@thighs4days923]

I had an argument with my mom once and she told me i was retarted and i said "yeah thats because im your child" my sister spat out the water she was drinking

[@Not_Kaz_here]

I had a friend who used to get bullied nonstop by this one girl at school. One day during lunch, the bully came up to us and started talking sh!t about her shoes. My friend was silent as the girl rambled on about how "ugly" her shoes were because she was so used to dealing with her bullsh!t. I hated seeing her being treated that way and I was sick of it. This is very unlike me because I'm usually so quiet and introverted, but without missing a beat I said, "Well at least she can change her shoes, what are you going to do about your face?" Never had to deal with that girl's crap ever again.

[@kooops_]

Someone was arguing with me about math homework and then I said “Brackets are like your mom, we do her first.” I was really proud of That moment

[@coredefect6134]

That.....is.......is......uh.........well its not cool but its something...good job?

[@w3irdcor3buddy52]

But then they say their mom is dead

[@davidlima9778]

Ain't gonna forget THAT

[@firewren]

Today I learned that protogens can't do humor

[@rhysturner7922]

This comment is good enough to where even I'm somehow proud of it for reading it.

[@Kuri2520]

"It's like reading is watching tv for my head" This dude just figured out what an imagination is

[@Chirpy-eo8jq]

But like it always happens and I can't turn it off? even when i interact with people irl i have a third person view of what I may look like and come off as. not sure if this is a universal experience but i'm pretty sure this is what that person was referring to

[@Kuri2520]

You're imagining what you might come off as? Your brain doesn't shut off when you look away from a book lmao.

[@dhez113]

My classmates were talking about some one fat and i said as a 10yr kid “why are we talking about your mom?” HE LITERALLY CALLED THE TEACHER even my teacher laughed i didnt get detention

[@lixxil6484]

You had detention in elementary school?

[@Gavin-N]

@@lixxil6484 yeah, I did.

[@mjpretzel5354]

In middle school a kid was really acting up and not doing his work after the teacher had told us to be quiet and do our work. When the teach began mumbling to another student about him he shouted, “I heard that!” I turned to him looked him in the eye and said, “It’s funny that you can hear her whisper on the other side of the room but didn’t hear her tell you to do your work.” His faced turned to shock and the whole class gasped and laughed. I felt so badass that I had come up with that instantly, that I had to hide my smile, I was just so proud.

[@TheRedSoulofDT]

There was this one co-worker of mine, who was friends with my brother, this co-worker, we'll call him Jim, claimed he was a really good pitcher for a baseball team, my brother said "oh yeah? Prove it" Jim decided to grab a flower pot and tried to throw it at me, it was maybe a couple of feet to the right of me, so I just shouted "nice throw baseball player" had everyone dying of laughter as I normally don't do that haha.

[@mamas9568]

I think I was in seventh grade and some kid told me that my nose made me look like a pig (I've been told this for so long I was completely unfazed). I then told him that he had no right to talk about my nose when his side profile looked like Pinocchio. He decided that his comeback should be 'you're so fat you need to shit it all out.' I, again, replied with I don't know why you think that's how biology works, we go to the same school.' We were in an advanced class full of eighth graders, and I was an extremely quiet kid, everyone stopped what they were doing and just looked over with dropped jaws. I got detention and he got off scot free smh. It's not the greatest but I'm still so proud of that moment lol

[@opfu1237]

I once said "Sorry I wasn't listening, was it something important?" and I legit had not been listening.

[@thatlibrarysmell720]

The I'm McChoking one had me in literal tears it took five minutes for me to calm down

[@pencilguyisthebest593]

“Are you gay? Cuz you can’t think straight” won the argument

[@musicallydisneyamvs6731]

“I don’t need you to tell me where I’ve been” It was like straight out of a historical drama like Reign. My witnesses were visibly enjoying the moment.

[@squidyellotheinkling2474]

My opponent in gym class during a tennis match told me: “You know, this is your favorite sport, and you suck at it.”, and I said: “I don’t see you doing any better, Captain Foul.”, because they served 7 fouls, and everybody laughed their tails off for half the class, my opponent included, me and the teacher too.

[@Shadriax]

Context:My stepmom yelled at me about her having bad time, she is the type of person to play the victim in every situation. She had a fight with my father just 5 minutes ago before this happened. So she said something along the lines of:"IM NOT THE PROBLEM" And I said without missing a beat:"I'm waiting your nose to grow" My father bursted out of laughter, one of my proudest moments.

[@jarod9854]

LOLLL

[@lAmbitiousI]

I remember being hungover at mcdonalds when my friend starts complaining his food is gonna get cold while we wait for everyone, i instantly snap at him with "shut up or you are gonna be out cold" the dude next to us just started silently giggle.

[@konnerPENIDS]

IM MC'CHOKIN' ON MEH MC'DONALDS WATER

[@spacegirl9006]

The first thing that came to my mind after reading this question was the scene where Jimmy fallon asked Finn wolfhard if he could read and Finn said without skipping a beat "Can you host?" and covered his mouth after realising what he just said. That video just lives in my mind rent free.

[@checkerz314]

One time I was in a heated argument with my dad and he said "Don't talk back to me!!" Well little 7 yr old me had enough of his crap and did talk back.. And this is what I said "Well then just don't talk to me!!" ..I swear to God the moment i realized what I did I was proud and terrified. He ended up just walking outside and smoking a cigarette Lowkey the most savage thing I ever said to my dad and will never do it again

[@AdeptusOrkstodes]

We were playing D&D and we got onto the topic on the alignments of clerics, someone said you couldn't have a Lawful Evil Cleric of Lust Without pausing for breath, I only said "Catholic Church" and everyone bust out laughing so hard we took our break early.

[@samuelevans738]

Martin Luther has upvoted this. (Not really, but he would if he could)

[@Hessonite_Dragon_Helen]

I am showing this to majority of people I know- (I’ll censor your name and pfp, promise)

[@AdeptusOrkstodes]

@@Hessonite_Dragon_Helen Leave the pfp in

[@Hessonite_Dragon_Helen]

@@AdeptusOrkstodes Aight, gotchu fam

[@StormFlyer657]

In my dnd game we were making warlock sugar daddy jokes and I said "diabetes dominatrix" everyone lost their shit