Most Children Go Missing The Moment Parent Turns Attention Toward Themself For One Goddamn Second

[@johnny4eel]

Little known fact: Children disappear *every time* their parent closes their eyes, then magically reappear just before the parent's eyes open Documentation abounds for this amazing phenomenon

[@MrAidanFrancis]

This is referred to by academics as the "Reverse Peek-A-Boo Effect".

[@tenzinc1514]

these comments/replies are gold

[@seantaggart7382]

Well technically true since of quantum physics but yes its satire But its also kinda true

[@melodiepinkie1583]

There was a Doctor Who episode about that

[@granty3796]

as a 2 year old, i can confirm. dissapearance has a tangy orange taste, and makes my feet feel jiggly

[@kidchiko9435]

The ancient pine forest was put there for our own protection. People should just stop trying to go past it. Curiosity killed the cat!

[@marycruzship5652]

It reminds me about the dog park from nightvale

[@bmbougie]

Exactly! I don't care what the voices say, I know in my heart of hearts that I should not go into the pine forest!

[@monarch6662]

@@bmbougie wake up sheeple the government doesnt want us going past the pine because then they can't monitor us

[@The_Struggler_]

The ancient pine forest hides the money hole

[@tenzinc1514]

why is it telling us to come?

[@Bear-pw7nu]

The onion should have a 24/7 radio station on GTA 6

[@Whackadoo1]

GTA news radio stations are definitely influenced by the Onion already.

[@Bear-pw7nu]

@@Whackadoo1 definitely I was playing gta listening to this and it just felt right

[@eddie8409]

oh! what if you just filled your self radio with the topicial videos, that's actually a really good idea, I might use it lol

[@simpletoastvibes]

They should have an irl radio station lol

[@tellmewill]

​@@eddie8409 that's amazing. It would fit in seamlessly in just about any GTA game

[@SebasTian58323]

I wish they would go back to being a parody/satire news production. Hearing all this current day news stuff is depressing

[@Peanut778]

@Redwood Rebelgirl no this is flat out news

[@ChaoticNeutralMatt]

@Redwood Rebelgirl wooshed?

[@Wolves_FF]

@@ChaoticNeutralMatt wooshed.

[@Isaacthemaniac]

@Redwood Rebelgirl stop living

[@Peanut778]

@Redwood Rebelgirl you didn't get the joke so yeah, wooshed.

[@vexivero]

They're not missing they're just with a new family

[@aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa790]

Living with the fairfolk?

[@AKASkobble]

Surprise adoption

[@AKASkobble]

@@universal_pawn7442 ?

[@universal_pawn7442]

@@AKASkobble it is a meme lol

[@AKASkobble]

@@universal_pawn7442 I get if but like... bruh it a neckbeard not discord mod

[@qiai1750]

My girl went to the pines, where the sun don't ever shine and she shivered the whole night through

[@RollerOfEyes]

She must've lied to you. Couldn't sleep the whole night through, could you?

[@msstarlight4770]

I really like that song and the Nirvana version is great. 👍👍

[@durbinpoison775]

🎵🎙️🎸🔫🎶

[@perrizepeda9638]

In the pines, in the pines, where the sun never shines...

[@shyspeaks9238]

"And if a parent can't help but want to take the smallest moment to themselves?" "The report recommended taking a deep breath and calmy reminding yourself having a child was your choice and what you want or need is no longer important." 💀🤣

[@TK_197]

The world has become ridiculous to the point where The Onion just starts posting actual news

[@Chrisbuildsbadassfences]

Check out the "Not the onion sub on reddit.

[@TK_197]

@@Chrisbuildsbadassfences Cool! Thanks

[@btat16]

@@Chrisbuildsbadassfences Holy crap this is gold! I thought “you can’t make this shit up” was an exaggeration, but those articles sound like real Onion articles

[@bestbi3587]

My cousin Ralphie walked into the pines after chasing that floating orb and we never saw him again. It's a shame really, you never did meet a boy who could spin a campfire story like little Ralphie.

[@shurbrrt]

I was relieved by the resounding yes. Even the Onion understands, incredible how some people don't.

[@ChaoticNeutralMatt]

@Andrew Becker exactly!

[@dreganmiller7884]

@Andrew Becker funny how things change huh

[@dreganmiller7884]

@Andrew Becker damn KZbin algorithms

[@nothanksnoname7567]

@Andrew Becker That's because it suits you, no matter your age.

[@zorintoto1167]

I mean the word adult is vague though

[@mrobject9113]

Everyone enjoys being showered in news from Leslie's mail sack.

[@runed0s86]

Yes, Leslie's white mail is so full and fresh!

[@mk6315]

Ready or not, here it comes. I mean the news of course.

[@manthony777]

Since my grandson ran away, life is not the same. We have all this extra food, and I had to pay a stranger to cut the grass. 😭😭😭

[@adielcohen4624]

Going beyond the pines to swim in the lake of fire is on my bucket list, also I need to buy a bucket.

[@WindFireAllThatKindOfThing]

Be 'ware of Willow Trees, and toadstool rings, and old oaks, people. The Fae Gangs of the South Central Pines have staked their turf since the Baba Yagas fell apart over a hut dispute

[@tenzinc1514]

watch out for the stray armored toads

[@weaponofmassconstruction1940]

I miss the actual news reports with anchors and interviews ☹️

[@nickhueper2906]

Cry more

[@weaponofmassconstruction1940]

@@nickhueper2906 Sorry for whatever caused you to become such a miserable person 💙

[@kapytanhook]

Life

[@username11011]

@@nickhueper2906 who hurt you

[@nickhueper2906]

@@username11011 no one lol

[@MindFlowersDotNet]

Every time I turn around there's another missing child in the malevolent woods. Oh well, let's be sweaty near this fireplace and pick each other off in irrational suspicion.

[@dr.cranium9080]

*laughs in being a parent constantly taking pictures and video of their kids*

[@telectronix1368]

Constant recording of your child is the only way to ensure they don't suddenly disappear.

[@Ben-rz9cf]

These podcasts show the onion is still capable of coming up with hilarious content, they just need to get their budget back

[@jayber-bomb9118]

I've loved The Onion ever since I first read a "Best Of" news article compilation, 'hardcover coffee table book', when I was about 13 years old.

[@lyn9291]

Wow, lucky you. What an incredible childhood you had. Getting exposed to such fine sarcasm so early in life! /NOTsarcasm

[@flipflop9561]

The dislikes are from cnn and fox news

[@telectronix1368]

Nah...just fox.

[@coolmishime]

Nah - The dislikes come from a person who actually donate their time to a organization that fights child trafficking! Big difference! I actually care, and I’m doing something about it. There’s not one main stream media outlet that gives a fuck about children being trafficked, about pedophilia, or anything that’s going to be helping children! They are complicit! Especially Facebook Of whom which fax checks my posts about children being trafficked! What are they trying to hide?

[@COLMECTIGAMINGANDMORE]

@@coolmishime this video is satire

[@SuperTonyony]

@@COLMECTIGAMINGANDMORE I think we have another woosh situation here.

[@staceystrukel1917]

@@coolmishime good lord you need a therapist.

[@sophierobinson2738]

"In the pines, in the pines/ Where the sun never shines" .Old folk song.

[@alpharhythm7861]

Yep, Leadbelly!

[@tenzinc1514]

its like three lines can i be called a song?

[@weirdestduck3650]

TenzinC 151 there is more lyrics to it

[@greggregson1365]

This just in: Average life span skyrockets after the discovery of yo mama

[@vanesslifeygo]

some kids have a bit too much faith in their teleportation power.

[@efilwv1635]

“They didn’t tell me it would s*hit” 😂

[@boo_]

I once got lost beyond the pines and died when I was older.

[@seantaggart7382]

I went in and Barely survived

[@miniraptor3211]

Sometimes I feel like the onion is an interdimentional news channel and we just hear the monthly news of a different universe.

[@masterbuilder7577]

"Well that definitely checks out in my situation" damnnnn he doesn't pull his punches

[@Kokonutzlz]

Thank you for continuing to exist, The Onion

[@mrphan09]

The woods are alluring

[@basedaudio1]

Definitely going into the pines at some point.

[@OlaneaSpirit]

This is why I keep my child on a leash. No more sad accidents like the time he almost got kidnapped.

[@bmbougie]

I would never think of going beyond the dark pines, and I warm my children of going as well.

[@itzalex5258]

I'm going to replace my brain with a onion

[@featheritbrother]

You know, the onion has always had this specific approach to humor which only a few make use of and none like the onion does. I wonder what comedians/experiences influenced the onion in the beginning!

[@devinhigoy221]

The Onion had competition with what was happening during Trump's presidency. Couldn't tell which one was more ridiculous and hilarious.

[@CAT-2323]

I thought the Onion would go out of business because reality itself is more bizarre than anything the human mind could create, at least lately.

[@Phelan666]

I feel the first and second stories may be related in some way, but I can't quite put my finger on why.

[@Iamrightyouarewrong]

Adoption fee? Does that mean I can claim them as a dependent?

[@BobWidlefish]

Yes.

[@ShallowBeThyGames]

Blast from the past! I thought The Onion died out. Just checked the last video I was notified about from 2015. Classy KZbin!

[@TK_197]

Nice!

[@thedude6058]

when did the onion become nightvale?

[@AndiDuck]

If you hear the sounds of Dueling Banjo's coming from the Pines .. Run Faster 💨

[@svenjansen2134]

You sure do got a pretty mouth son.

[@Sprinkleycakes]

This has such a lovely “Welcome to Nightvale” vibe and I am a fan!

[@isiahs9312]

there are two kinds of people, fans of Nightvale and those who have not heard an episode yet.

[@spiderbro4546]

Literally pets in a nutshell

[@demilime]

I can imagine someone from the past somehow watching this and going "thats not how I thought the future was going to be"

[@Minchken]

THe Onion is like a GTA or south Park version of fox news

[@leweyza]

I swear the onion is gonna turn into an actual news channel soon

[@aant429]

Every Hollywood movie about a kidnap

[@MK-ns5ow]

This is like a Night Vale episode 😄

[@ratboi726]

Nothing could have prepared me for the first sentence.

[@fedgoon]

Wish they could still do news show parodys

[@jordandinelt76]

Why can't they?

[@Lightologyy]

@@jordandinelt76 probably bankrupt

[@jordandinelt76]

@@Lightologyy thsts rough

[@Lightologyy]

@@jordandinelt76 i agree man its sad

[@yourfavoritecousin6377]

@@Lightologyy I really enjoyed

[@GamingDreamer]

I can't wait till 2031 when half the things in this video will be real

[@laughingeightball7676]

My brother was killed in the pines I miss you billy

[@Contevent]

Your new outlet reminds me furiously of the news in the game Vampire the Mascarade: Bloodline. In this game, you could watch the television or hear the radio in which fake news outlet would comment on the events, some of which you were responsible, or you would catch "The Deb of Night", a radio show with creepy/strange/pathetic callers talking with Deb, a suave feminine voice. If you were of clan Malkavian, a clan renowned for their madness/oracle abilities, then the TV would often derail into deranged comments and paranoid outbursts, some of which your character specifically were the focus. This particular version of the Onion would fit right in.

[@baddogcr3ations557]

Love the Onion.... the news parodies were really good

[@aaahaaah699]

These aren't parodies tho?

[@SuiteLifeofDioBrando]

As someone who visited the pines it is best to not go beyond there.

[@JackgarPrime]

So what you're saying is we need to send an MTF into the pines?

[@PolyFranchesco]

The first section reminds me so much of Welcome to Night Vale.

[@lesliemeier4225]

Ok I read the title but when you actually said on the second topic my body started to shake and make that weird noise again.

[@Unbested]

The .3 person that died from the woods

[@Ray-Of-Sunshine]

I mean if he accumulated the Good Boy Points, that father clearly owes him his Chicken Tendies.

[@Rubyofthedead]

The first story is legit unsettling.

[@plasmatic3223]

The Black Pines actually sounds like a great plot for an ARG analog horror

[@TheBrother34]

I lost all braincells in the intro. This is a great video

[@kennestor4034]

My dad got a new family I hope they all had fun

[@seekingabsolution1907]

You know, I am not sure if I would feel better or worse if this more supernatural absurdity was how things worked rather than the mundane absurdity that cripples my ability to look towards brighter future.

[@vladimirvilliani6732]

I feel so informed and up to date

[@thebaldpizzaman6319]

Look away and they’ll ascend into the 4th dimension

[@poly_g6068]

Man that really started off with a bang.

[@isaacestrella3883]

I miss the old skits and funny videos

[@gibbous_silver]

Me too

[@yuiop937]

they're still there

[@CrystalTikal]

I like how apocalyptic the image looks.

[@akalaiderxd9686]

I really want the onion weekend review back

[@minimeal2268]

A study shows that the most common cause of death is dying

[@plixu]

On april fools this channel should post real news stories

[@youarentyouwhenurhungry2379]

*so that's where the anonymous donor got all 200 kidneys*

[@ghostsquid8971]

I was raped by a tree while walking in the woods close to where they were filming EVIL DEAD. Well, I mean, that guy on the bridge playing a banjo said it was a tree. God will somebody please help me!

[@DVincentW]

Venturing into the pines a metaphor of not masking.

[@kapytanhook]

No, nor is it a metaphor of devaluing the dollar by printing aid, borrowing from future generations, firing all the lower class jobs and rolling back to a lack of individual freedom that has not existed since pre enlightenment times.

[@omnipubgmobile1615]

Too good, i miss the vids but the NPR format fucking kills it. You could play this at a low volume in front of a library or art center and confuse the shit out of alot of ppl.

[@SuperTonyony]

Immediately after the reporter says that he likes to catalog his favorite sandwiches in his head, I got a Sara Lee bread commercial that showed a series of sandwiches. Was this a coincidence, or was it yet another glamour of the faerie folk?

[@JonO387]

They lost that luxury when they had kids.

[@jordandinelt76]

OH YES YOU BULLBUS DADDY, MAKE ME CRY WITH THE SWEET SWEET ONION JUICE

[@williamwhitehouse8741]

_why_

[@maverickBLGL]

hello, the onion

[@GloriaInvictis]

They used "alluring" twice in a single sentence :(

[@aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa790]

Is the Onion working together with Nightvale?

[@bnust1]

Came here looking for that reference 🤣

[@caring-assoul_]

What the hell happened to the onion news?🤷🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️

[@user-sk4up8wz5b]

A moment of silence for the people that think news from this channel isnt a joke lmaoo

[@MRSAUltraviolet]

Wow! I got to admit, that argument Charles made about the Shelter on the adoption fees and care into re-training a f-up dog is a pretty good compelling argument not to adopt.

[@Leith_Crowther]

It’s a good argument not to have a large mammalian pet, since other options are even less ethical.

[@scientificviking]

The Onion 🤝 Nightvale

[@MH-jt3lx]

Worm Cackle ,,,,,what an ol crone name lmao

[@frgwyn3760]

Parents describing themselves like

[@imphie]

Nightvale vibes

[@sirrivet9557]

Yeah one time my parents left me unattended for a bit when I was 3 because the doors were closed and they thought I couldn’t open it. What I had done was I opened the sliding door, went outside and closed it behind me and my parents couldn’t find me because the door was closed where could he be? Yeah luckily I somewhat understood mortality and didn’t run into traffic

[@lesliemeier4225]

Wish we could scare those darn machines and the companies that keep on killing the gosh darn rain forest.

[@vampirictheshadowpriest7538]

The part about the pines sounds like a creepypasta

[@Tortle4444]

I am amazed that I never realized that the Onion has a KZbin channel

[@xephyre6955]

I thought it was the other way around.

[@Klingonmastr]

Do those dinosaur chicken nuggets come with a side of ranch?

[@Mr_Flerb]

“Themselves.” Just say “themselves.” Trying to singularize it isn’t necessary; we’ve already accepted the plural-as-singular.

[@frankiesallans6149]

You guys really need to bring back real people

[@damonhicks969]

Grizzled hermit here, the creaking eerie pine forest is perfectly safe. There is absolutely nothing supernatural about it, the ghostly voices beckoning you into the forest are just ravens or other corvids able to mimic human voices remarkably well; and have learned that if they lure people into the forest, they get lost and die of exposure and the ravens get to eat your eyes (a favorite treat for them) all you need is basic training in survival skills and you will be fine. The forest was placed there on purpose by our ancestors who foresaw how gaming culture was developing, as a method to weed out of the gene pool, those that think dangerous and scary locations must be where all the best loot is found and wander in unprepared.

[@BetterBoomstick]

FAKE NEWS! The pines are 100% safe! My friend went there and came back fine! He even learned how to scream in Latin and be more flexible while he was there.

[@CAT-2323]

I went past the Pines once. I met a weird triangle guy named Bill. He was weird. I left and never went back but I was fine.

[@Slava_Ukraini1991]

i didnt know mama murphy from fallout 4 knew about the pines.