Motivate An Addicted Loved One To Get Sober

Of course, you can't make someone get sober, but you can help motivate an addicted loved one to take steps toward sobriety. Understanding how motivation works is the key!
💻We teach this exact process IN DETAIL inside of our Family Recovery Academy. We call it The Invisible Intervention. For more information about that, click this link 👉www.familyreco...
❤️️📣Learn How To Get Your Addicted Loved One FROM DENIAL INTO RECOVERY, using our INVISIBLE INTERVENTION method:
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[@PutTheShovelDown]

😎To learn more about how to HELP SOMEONE IN DENIAL, watch this next: 👉kzbin.info/www/bejne/e3WZp6R7n5uHrJI

[@laurabeigh283]

I did all that. I did all of that for 3 1/2 years while he continued to lie and use. Now he’s on his own. My job is to take care of me. My job is to protect me.

[@user-kp5xz4ur4v]

Iam going through same thing, fetenol is so scary for a mom to hear, Iam wishing something would change for the better..my mental health has declined so much as they say I've lost myself and feel helpless ...been watching it's just not anything they want to hear..so lost in dealing with it .I wish the penalties were life sentence's for those who sell it..we deal with the outcome of this ongoing tragedy of our young souls..I wish I had those magical words to give...I don't..feeling helpless...

[@silviaaiello2687]

Its so refreshing to hear this! No mother wants to totally give up and disown there child because of bad behaviors and bad choices and the worst feeling is helplessness as a parent so to hear your positive words helps people know that you can help loved ones in a healthy way and still be there for them with healthy boundaries ❤️ thankyou for your videos ❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

So glad this was helpful, Silvia!

[@kcarafelli1]

I will try this with my grown up son who I let stay with me temporarily but he’s not leaving or trying to get sober. He always says he’s got a plan…. My friends tell me to call the police and have him arrested for doing drugs in my home. I can’t I just can’t so I hope this will work for him. He is so defensive when I say please do not use drugs in my house! And we fight

[@audreyquinn73]

Becoming sober was the best decision of my life. Some of my friends told me that I inspired them to go sober, too, and that was awesome. But, unfortunately, that only happened with a few friends. The majority of my (former) friend group has continued drinking and smoking cannabis, and I have had to discontinue my friendships as a result. I still care for these people and don't judge them, but I needed to separate from their company to cement my own sobriety. I needed to watch this video. Much appreciated your insight. Thank you! ❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You've got great insight and willingness, Audrey! Very impressive!

[@BrandyinIndy]

The opposite of addiction is connection 🥰

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You got it, Brandi!!! 💯💯💯

[@glynispalazuelos7216]

My daughter stopped speaking to me for 8 years after her stint in rehab. Now that she’s speaking to me again, on and off, talking about her addictions with her is very precarious. I sense she is aware but doesn’t want to give up the friends and lifestyle associated with the addiction, at the same time she has a 3 year old son. As careful as I am still results in her bouts of anger, shutting me out and bad mouthing me around town (guessing that is a protection mechanism of her addiction- her knowing that I know) I just found your videos. Hoping something will shift here. But if nothing else the videos help me know this is not all in my head. I am not crazy.

[@ladykathyrnroyster8393]

Love Love your vids. So very helpful. Your channel fits my personality more so than any of the others. Example showing kindness, encouragement, motivation etc. Thank you so much for helping me to “put the shovel down”.😊

[@emmashook1555]

After 8 years of dealing with the pain and unpredictability of my parnters addiction. Leaving and coming back more times then i can count... he relapsed again 2 weeks ago and i was so ready to throw in the towl. I was sitting in my car SOBBING last night, crying out to god to help me. To stop the pain in my heart And then i see you channel just a few minutes later. Ive been doing it the WRONG way all these years. I believe god led me to your chanle and ive promised myself and god, i would give it one more shot. With your teachings.

[@user-jj6pd2om7f]

Could you do a video about bad influence friends... How to not put them down but realize they are also a hindering factor of recovery.

[@missguided4682]

Express to them that you need to make this decision for yourself. True friends will respect your decision.

[@dustbae]

Hello and thank you so much for your videos! I’m having a hard time with motivating my significant other & positive reinforcement. They use while they’re at work and at night after I’ve gone to sleep. The only “consequence” of their drug abuse is that sometimes I react in a way that is sad and withdrawn... which contributes to their stress and urge to keep using. If they ask why I’m sad and I tell them, they get angry and say they aren’t using (when I respond by saying I know they’re still using, they say “I’m not using right now, am I?”). Even when I hide my feelings and the time we spend together is good/fun, they still use almost daily. I feel like I’m breaking my back trying to make our home a relaxing place and say things to boost their self esteem, but in the end they’re still depressed and stressed out and continue using. I honestly feel so lost about what to do.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Sounds like for the most part, you try to keep it all inside, but eventually it breaks through. It's okay to be honest with your feelings.

[@dustbae]

Put The Shovel Down Thank you 💜 Is there a way to implement positive reinforcement to make *not using* more appealing if the person is a functional addict who only uses when I’m not around?

[@peterlyons8793]

Rugs are more important than you.

[@daisynonya2856]

Hi Amber! Oh my gosh! Your advice is making such a difference. Thank you!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Oh my goodness, thank you for letting me know that Daisy. You've made my day!

[@erikafhndez140]

Your videos have helped me understand addiction from a difference side. If you could make a video about "what to expect once your love one is release from Rehab". Even though he has mentioned he will be going to a sober living, I can't help to get anxious. Thank you!!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks for the positive feedback and especially for the topic suggestion! I'll definitely make a video on it!👍

[@Marymshorty]

So hard to know what to do when you have a husband that doesn’t see his drinking as a problem I hate that it’s turning me in to a mean and always angry person 😰😰😰not who I am I know I need to leave but so hard to take that step

[@lotusmccary9365]

Only unsuscribing because I removed the alcoholic from my life. I learned so much from this channel. I just don't want to be reminded of him right now. I am considering being a arts therapist or addiction counselor as result of many experiences. I will return when my heart no longer hurts about my alcoholic loved one

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Totally understandable, Lotus!

[@CindyCrawford-ky7os]

Wow, thats the best thing I've heard in a while, she said if I can say things to make it worse then I can say things to make it better, im catching on, thanks Amber.. ❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

💯💯💯

[@emmashook1555]

Same here!!! I always get "your so critical" it's going to be hard to change my reaction but it's true. Life and death is in the power of the Tongue

[@cassandra820]

God bless you. I'm taking notes. Im desperate. I've bought books with conflicting theories. I think about A&E intervention episodes and compare that to the book I purchased that focuses on the CRAFT therapeutic model. I'm overwhelmed. I'm just thankful for the work your doing.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Cassandra, We're big fans of the CRAFT method. It's proven to be more than twice as effective than the Johnson model type of intervention.

[@cassandra820]

@@PutTheShovelDown Hi Amber! I think I have watched most of your playlists since last night. 😌 I've visited the website listed in your about section (hope for families) I'm very interest in using your services. As you stated in one of your videos, my family and I cant do it alone, and were looking for professional help.

[@bethculver7294]

Thank you so much for your great videos! You have helped me help my daughter so much!❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Beth!!! I really appreciate the nice feedback! 😃

[@jamieverrett3150]

How do I approach him with information? Like if I wanted to motivate him to watch your channel to get educated, what would be the best approach? I don't want to come at him like I'm trying to tell him what to do, and he says he wants to get better, but has never wanted to educate himself about addiction... which is understandable. I'm sure the last thing you want to hear as an addict is that your brain is rewired and you're detached from reality. But I just know if he could start to REALLY understand more how this works it would motivate him. Thank you so much for what you're doing by the way. Your channel is a lifesaver!

[@rachelk2907]

Hi Amber, I have a close friend who is very open with me about their drinking and offen there's a lot of change talk but also "reasons" why they can't get better or why others have e.g "well that person has a nice girlfriend so it was easier for them to give up" or "with the restrictions right now its harder to stop, I need to be around people but can't". Or "I can't do online support groups, I need to be face to face". I'm not sure how to get around these excuses and get him to the point where he will actually seek help.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Rachel, expressing mixed feelings is completely normal and natural. You want to acknowledge her ambivalence but focus more attention on the change talk. I teach this type of technique in detail inside of our Family Recovery Academy if you're ever interested in learning more. It's a specific set of counselor techniques designed to deal with those types of situations.

[@cjgia4898]

This channel literally needs a "love this" button instead of or in addition to the thumbs up button! I've been trying to boost viewers by liking every video and comments. Is there anything else I can do?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're the best, Connie! You're helping so much. I truly appreciate all your support!

[@cjgia4898]

@@PutTheShovelDown No, really, thank you. My AD might not be where I want her to be, but thanks to you and your program, I'm 5 steps ahead of her addiction!

[@michelevonherbulis6618]

Yes. I had to set the hard boundary.

[@user-bm4wk5ek1q]

Love your empathetic approach. One BIG thing you haven't addressed the financial issue. Some addicts contribute to family finances in many ways, not a lot of resources for a person or a family to dip into a money pot. You can't work and be in rehab. What's a family to do if no family financial network is out there to help Many are functionally enough to contribute somehow or have government's help. Please touch upon.

[@pjtowns8285]

I am having to set a boundary with my fiance. He is my ex-fiance now. I have a lung disease that I am fighting. He had no respect for this making it very hard for me to get well. He also literally tore the siding off of my house and did other things to my house. Just dealing with all the mental insanity made life so hard.

[@justincripps1444]

My wife, who has moved out and hasnt stopped using, uses change statements but also says she doesnt know if she wants to stop either. She comes from a family of users and they all treat her like shes the worst. The only support she has is me unfortunately and as I try to help her we have 4 children I have to tend to! How do I help her when she claims she wants to change but her actions keep making things worse...

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Making mixed statements like that is completely natural. It just means she has mixed feelings which is normal. Acknowledge the ambivalence but focus on the change talk!

[@justincripps1444]

@@PutTheShovelDown Thank you for your reply! I have been watching your content now for a few weeks and wish we lived closer for more help, perhaps even the same country would help lol ( Canadian here). I find the way you approach things different then others online and perhaps what will help me help her! Either way I thank you for all you do! People like you are a blessing!!

[@maryirick3579]

Thank you ❤

[@tamipowell2134]

I’m late to the discussion. Q... my son relapses 1x monthly or so. Drinking is so bad when he does, needs to go to ER. He loves God and I frequently give verbal affirmation. Love your validation!! Any suggestions? His father died drinking and driving 10 yrs ago

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It sounds like he really is trying but the bottom falls out about once a month. Likely, he feels like he is restricting himself on all the other days (kinda like going on a diet). Once he gets to the point that he doesn't like what alcohol does for him anymore, it want to feel like he is depriving himself.

[@GGH-nl9dr]

What to do if the person is cutting themselves down for the state their life is in and jokes about drinking as a coping mechanism but then insists they don't have a problem when you talk to them about it?

[@LisaNEdwards]

thank you xx

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Right back at ya! 💖👋

[@sharktoothgamingandfishing3524]

What do you do when then deflect and flip everything so it’s about you and the mishap you have had in past

[@trollsnotwelcome7805]

When you said about using leverage regarding being in trouble because of dui and saying that you will help them if they get help but I've also heard you say about if the person with addition is going to treatment not for themselves or because they decided to take the steps of activity looking for help it won't work and often they will say "well i only did it because you forced me to" .. just wondering if you can explain the difference here? Thanks for your videos, always very helpful

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hmmmm not sure we’re you heard me say that. It’s my philosophy that any reason is a good reason. They don’t have to want it for themselves. Almost no one gets diver because they want it for themselves. However after a while if being sober they usually feel better abd then decide to stay diver fir themselves. There is a video where I say that sometimes after a relapse, the person may use that as an excuse. Is that the one you’re remembering ?

[@trollsnotwelcome7805]

@@PutTheShovelDown I can't remember exactly which video as I've watched lots. Absolutely agree any reason a good reason. I will try looking back but I'm sure there was something about how if not for themselves it can backfire. Thanks for your reply

[@ivyinktattoo8097]

Do you have any videos on how to know if a loved one is using? How to approach it. Or not. Signs and symptoms. The internet has some lists of symptoms but not how to know for sure? Especially if you haven’t found paraphernalia And afraid to ask for them to take a test or confront it.

[@MariaAuxiliadoraCaruso]

Hi How I can help my husband if he does not want help or believe in Therapy. I cannot continue with him drinking. He said he can do it by himself and he improve but last week he relapse

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Maria, I have a playlist on this channel specifically about Denial, that might help with this. You can find it by going to our main channel page, and looking at playlist. We also have an online program that teaches families the step by step process for getting a person out of denial and into recovery. It's called the Invisible Intervention. here's a link to learn more about that. www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/invisible-intervention

[@claudiaurbina8219]

How do I communicate with a narcissistic addict

[@stacey7316]

What if there's other people in his life that don't want him better and continually bring him down with mind games. This person has his son and uses the child as a pawn continually.

[@amandalee7601]

I have with my daughter. I cannot let my daughter live with us

[@skylerydntk]

i need advice. i’m an addict. if i showed my mom this video, she would get mad and say i’m making excuses. how can i go about explaining it?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Skyler, I usually hear from family members who want to send one of my videos to their addicted loved one, so this is different! If you're going to suggest a video of mine for your mom to watch, find one that talks about something she'd most likely agree with. Maybe send her one of my videos about the things that people with addictions do. That will be a better way to open the door. Tell you mom, you've been trying to learn about this problem, because you really do want to get better. Tell her you saw a really interesting video and ask if it's okay if you send it to her because you want to know what she thinks. (remember to pick a video that will make her feel heard/understood, not one that will make her feel defensive.)

[@adoredesignsdc]

I’m on here searching for advice As my brother n law has almost 55 yrs of drinking He is emotionally abusive to my sister She is his designated driver Her 2 daughters want to go to alanon n get their mom to join them His drinking is his focus What is the best way to confront him? His ego is huge N high anger My sister is miserable n enabling

[@vickischrader7108]

Thank you for sharing knowledge. I want more info about the neuro linguistics aspect. My son is using meth, after many years of being clean. He is very intelligent, talented musician, but thinks meth makes him better. I know how deceitful that drug is, I have been clean from it for 12 years and am a leader and sponsor through Celebrate Recovery. Tough love, bargaining with him, does not work. He says he will not be controlled!! I have offered to help him get his life on track, financially , if he follows certain guidelines to get clean, goes to CR meetings, gets tested ect. He refused. Any thoughts on how to motivate a 36 yr old strong willed male?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Vicki, you're soooooo right about meth being a deceitful drug. There are many drugs that make you FEEL smarter, faster, stronger, more creative, etc... but in reality it doesn't enhance your abilities. It just makes you FEEL like it makes you better. As far as motivating your son to take steps toward recovery, I recommend using CRAFT method and/or motivational interviewing techniques.

[@vickischrader7108]

@@PutTheShovelDown I will search out your videos on Craft method. Thank you for responding. Your videos have given me hope for my son and my husband.

[@user-ug9lm6zy2w]

What do you you do when they are stealing from you

[@trollsnotwelcome7805]

What if they don't want to try? What if they see everything as pointless and can't see a future no matter how you try to show a way 😢😢😢

[@karenstarr2821]

I’ve tried these techniques, but I don’t see any changes. I now feel hopeless and empty inside.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Karen, I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. Please take care of yourself.

[@karenstarr2821]

Put The Shovel Down Thanks Amber. Your videos help me to get through the day. I watch them multiple times and hoping my loved one will get sober.

[@lorettakelley7495]

How do you get someone to open up about their addiction? My daughter will doesn't talk to me about her smoking weed ( since I confronted her months ago), nor about the divorce she is going through ( another failed relationship; the husband is a drug addict as well). Will building someone up help even if recovery is not addressed specifically?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Yes, it will help. Before you can consider talking to someone about recovery, you've got to build up a lot of trust. Just focus on the relationship.

[@kaylittrell]

Is it ever too late?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

If they're still alive, it's not too late!

[@tonimarroy9219]

What are some things to say to motivate an addiction adult?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Tony, Great question. Here's a link to my playlist on Motivating Someone To Take Steps Toward Recovery: kzbin.info/aero/PLaaJWwIpP_zYtiUsXjYwB-GJEy2iJ24a4 I also have a little mini-workshop on Persuasion that you can take a look at if you'd like: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/persuasion-masterclass

[@brendareed5050]

Hi Amber, I feel like my situation is so different from most. Our daughter lives by herself and she misinterprets things when I communicate with her. She wants to control how and when I can communicate with her. It’s so bad right now that she cut me off completely from any communication and blocked me from social media, phone and emails. It’s crazy the bizarre things she blames me for to justify excommunicating with me. Have you heard of this happening before? She’s taking opiates, benzos and antidepressants.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Brenda, Unfortunately it's not that uncommon. She needs to make you the villain to justify bad decisions. When she runs out of money/resources does she come around and change her tune?

[@brendareed5050]

Put The Shovel Down It’s been a month since she has cut me off. I’m guessing her income went up enough that she doesn’t need my help with food which is what I help with. She has come around before and she is nice till she gets food. She isn’t getting unemployment and has rent, gas, propane, food, car insurance and phone to pay for. This time she has gone much longer than before without communication. One time it was 7 months but she was working way more, and more functional, now there is very little work and she has progressed in the disease.

[@cjgia4898]

@@brendareed5050 This post is a little older, so, I just wanted to say, I hope that this situation has improved. ❤🙏

[@danielabonfanti4398]

In your opinion is alcoholism a disease or self inflicted?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Daniela, I have a video discussing this exact topic: kzbin.infoWtjrumkQRyw

[@carminachavez8130]

I have done the 3 options with my 34yr old son is not working he has broke every single boundary in our house do not know what else’s to do ... please advise

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hey Carmina, sounds like it's time for you to enforce some of your boundaries

[@carminachavez8130]

Put The Shovel Down I hear you I must be stronger

[@adrienneholben]

My husband is an addict in denial using on and off but makes a lot of excuses as to why he can't stop. He always blames me for relapsing - I am so confused by his behaviour I've been going through you videos but I'm wondering is this really addiction or is it a mental problem? He doesn't even want to stop for the kids

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I can't say for sure, but I can tell you that everything you describe is common with addiction.

[@catblevins8260]

My boyfriend is an alcoholic and he his texting a girl from me that was flirting with him at our work. We broke up but he still loves here. He says he still loves me but can not fight every night anymore. I have changed the way I react and he has started talking to me again, but he is still texting her at night. What should I do.

[@baracoa38]

I cant stop my parents enabling my brothers alcohol addiction please help. They won't listen. My father is so codependent. My brother is going to die. What do you do in a situation of a dysfunctional family?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi @baracoca38. I just recorded a video about what to do when someone else is sabotaging your efforts to help an addicted loved one. It will be coming out soon!

[@baracoa38]

Can I have a contact to maybe book a session to chat with someone?

[@donna68316]

How do I get an appt with you

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Donna, Here's a link to our website: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online

[@wendywhite9897]

Do you have a video preparing family members myself as mother, for their role when the addict comes home from rehab? Like I don't want to be the teacher the babysitter I want to do things differently than I did before when my daughter was actively an addict . 'm sitting here in anxiety anticipating a relapse and she hasn't even come home yet.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hey Wendy, I think you're thinking is right on track. The key is going to be trying to avoid being the babysitter. It's hard because of the anxiety, but it won't help. Here's a video Campbell and I made a while back about that topic: kzbin.info/www/bejne/ipC5iHiXaatlqpo

[@debmonticello2981]

But why do they feel that they could just have a few if they stop drinking a lot. That’s why they’re in alcoholic because they can’t stop drinking.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Most people with Alcohol Use Disorder can control it sometimes and not others. This leads to the person to believe that they can manage it.

[@karencondon2003]

🙏🏼💜🌹

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Karen!

[@realdata1378]

She interrupts the video to say hello to aj and tango-why? This isn't a live Q&A.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Real Data. Actually this was a live stream. Typically some audience interaction is expected.

[@realdata1378]

I disagree. During your explanations of a sensitive topic to thousands of anxiety ridden viewers you interupt everyone to say hi to two people. This is not during a live Q&A. It's during your video explanation. Why acknowledge 2 people at the expense of distracting thousands?

[@realdata1378]

@@PutTheShovelDown ok. But when it's not a live stream video do you or do you not interupt all of your viewers to hello to a few viewers ?