My #1 Covert Sign For Spotting Narcissism

After 40 plus years in the therapy office talking with all sorts of individuals, one common trend began to stand out as Dr. Les Carter was determining the level of potential narcissism. In this video he reveals that trend and what it meant to him at a deeper level.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his KZbin channel, his videos have received more than 110 million views.
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[@palalechat]

You feel it in your gut, this person does not value nor respect your opinion or contribution. Trust your gut.

[@palalechat]

@@AS-zq5cs yeah, definitely no point in further engaging with people that have demonstrated their ignorance. It does get tricky at work though when a group of narcs and their enablers decide to team up to deny your existence. Work really seems to bring out the worst in some people. That is a character building experience right there. Definitely need to learn to be okay with not listening to the crowd, knowing they are poison and not worth ruining every day for.

[@melissabryant2251]

They make everything worse. They cannot admit they have a fault.

[@theoryofpersonality1420]

They absolutely make everything worse. In every situation. They come in and instead of helping it get better they escalate it to the point of no return. Then claim it wasn't on purpose. When it absolutely was.

[@FilosophicalPharmer]

“Provoke and Blame” is one of the many tools of a narcissist.

[@FilosophicalPharmer]

I once asked a narcissist how to spell schadenfreude but they just laughed….

[@popmonika]

In the long-term yes. But when you first meet them they'll normally be polite and very praisical of you. Although they will have no real regard for your personal boundaries.

[@mitzicrowder2186]

Bingo! They are beyond difficult

[@erickanorris567]

my favorite is being asked for information in which I have expertise and they know almost nothing and then being told I'm wrong with word salad

[@augustpriest6945]

Ohhh i feel that one...

[@chrishnah]

They ask questions about the most mundane stuff just to disagree with you. I say "I don't know." to people like even if i do know and it its like throwing water on a fire. You can see the disapointment because no they can't contradict you in some petty way. Older women are the worst about this.

[@user-sq9td8nu9i]

if deceived on one level, deceived on all; Even a broken clock is right twice a day

[@adenbuford7396]

@@chrishnah Old men as well. They want to argue or bicker over the most trivial crap.

[@hopeinparis]

@@chrishnah "older women are the worst" - wtf?

[@janetpickel8399]

Narcs dont want you to like anything they dont like. There is no room for anything like that for them.

[@hasansarhan9296]

Basically they want you to erase yourself to become nothing to please a narc

[@MissReneeMichelle]

This is SO TRUE

[@lindac6919]

They don't even want you to like something they are neutral to.

[@schizorap]

Exactly

[@ianarn]

They don’t want you to like something that doesn’t benefit them in some way! They relate everything to themselves.

[@notagain779]

It seems to really bother narcissists if you have self direction and confidence in your own thinking.

[@HereForTheCatContent]

Yep, notice the (often religious) people who show up to these spaces complaining about self-truth and self-love, because those are some of the antidotes to susceptibility to manipulation and personality disorders. Notice the people and paradigms that try to diminish your personal agency.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

And independence of thought!

[@notagain779]

@@jackilynpyzocha662 , Oh, yes!

[@dianaoneil5469]

“. Narcissists are not interested in harmony”……. Dr. Carter, no truer words have been spoken.

[@danemartin5674]

When a narcissist sets their eyes on destroying you. The time and energy is relentless.

[@radfan7020]

because it's the only thing they're doing in their life

[@jamaalhorton2343]

Until you show them you won’t budge! They will give up!

[@gitarani9269]

They will end up self destructing. You can escape.

[@gitarani9269]

​@@jamaalhorton2343They may give up after a prolonged battle.

[@danemartin5674]

@@jamaalhorton2343 not always.

[@1timeslime971]

What is so so so very dang mind boggling, CRAZINESS….is that after a long time living with A narcissist, their victims become so defensive, irritable, lonely, insulted, worthless..which ends up YOU appearing as the narc.

[@metamorphic8]

Ain’t that the truth!?! 😖

[@chademccorkle]

100%, and I’ve found that being married to one for a while I started gaslighting myself.

[@br3669]

The most disorienting thing is - it's not just "appearing". Dealing with such people really DOES dial up their victim's own narcissistic traits (which we all have to a degree, just usually not to the point of a personality disorder!) After all- that's probably how they were made, too. Spreads like a damn virus 😢

[@1timeslime971]

@@br3669 I AGREE 100%…ALL HUMANS are born with narcissim(to a degree)…in the world of christianity, we call this the human sinful nature!!! We are born selfish, and must be taught how to do good.

[@Hatbox948]

I think my ex narc was the epitome of what Dr. Carter describes. He wanted you to mirror his opinions, habits, likes and dislikes, etc. If you don't set boundaries, you could lose yourself. I still get anxious thinking about dealing with him. It was so difficult. Normal communication was impossible.

[@karenfisher4170]

“Lose yourself “ 🎯

[@MissReneeMichelle]

YES

[@gaildouglasjacobson5464]

Mine will not respect boundaries ever.

[@happyday3368]

My son (who has gone no contact with my ex - a malignant narc) has experienced awful side effects - thinking he's not good enough when he's literally a breath away from becoming a Dr. It affects us ALL. The damage it does ......;my ex is SUCH a pos. I keep telling my son that he got to where he is on intelligence, empathy and willpower - and forget what his father thinks.

[@visualapologetics4891]

“Normal communication is impossible.” That is it in a nutshell!

[@Flatteryfox]

After leaving that relationship, I realized that I never got to speak or talk about anything … no real conversations just all about them and nothing about me

[@cherobinson6371]

They will actually cause you of being unreasonable and aggressive if you don’t fall into line with the agenda they have. They hate you if they see you have different views and hobbies. They see self confidence and outgoing personality as A threat.

[@SierraNovemberKilo]

It's worse when you come across one in a social setting and you immediately put a check on them determining what you think/do. The crowd will regard you as the disruptive element. I now know to leave these groups as they are effectively made up of flying monkeys.

[@lindac6919]

you know my mom and sis???

[@kristenmarie9248]

The script flips because your self confidence, and outgoing personality IS WHAT drew them to you in the first place, isn't it?

[@my2centsworth599]

Perfect!

[@lorinapetranova2607]

The last sentence about having the self confidence..etc. you may have given me the prime reason to what is going on in my family. I'll write this out where it's a Saved Ponderable. Somehow Ive missed your thought while befuddling myself except lately I've thought "I sure hope he doesn't find out how good she is with tools n HMOG her every breathing nanosecond using her like a nasty disposable diaper while he rebuilds his dream toy. Ugh. y'all have a blessed Easter.

[@gatheringmoss5726]

"Narcissists aren't interested in harmony; they're interested in your deference." Spot on. They're only satisfied when everyone else is living by their rules, so they are driven to persuade. They have to mold others into obedient disciples. That's their idea of harmony, which is chaos for everyone else.

[@jennyblankenship1419]

Yes!!! 100!!! The narc: “your opinion is wrong. My opinion is facts.” You cannot have a different point of view. Ever.

[@wakeupordie]

Exactly

[@triciapotter3331]

To the point of insanity!

[@prechagirl]

My ex used to always say you see things differently to me. Would often use it as an excuse too

[@SterileNeutrino]

But how does one know who the bad guy is? 🤥

[@jennyblankenship1419]

@@SterileNeutrino there are lots of red flags. Don’t ignore your intuition. I did.

[@srbrans]

My sister in law bullied her other 2 sisters in law and could not understand why she could not bully me. Never lose your temper, never engage in discussions or conversations above what is necessary, always remain polite. Stay well away - we have moved from the area she lives in. She can no longer terrorise my husband and she knows it. Best revenge.

[@Eva-bk9ln]

Thank you! Great advice as opposed to fueling the fire out of freaking frustration and living in peace! 🤗🇺🇲

[@jerrys9226]

I had to cut off a lifelong friend who I finally identified as a narcissist. I could never quite put my finger on the incessant scrutiny and his life-according-to me ways. These videos have really helped me live a better life. Btw, I think Gus deserves an honorary doctorate for the many lectures he has sat in on.

[@karenfisher4170]

🐕📜

[@lorinapetranova2607]

You're totally on point about Gus. Btw. Even when adopted from a totally different family we had to hear why didn't we think like her. Finally in senior level high I told her we don't have the same dna. Threw her off. I got so fed up hearing how we all had the same heritage. Infuriated me. Malignant narcissists are worthy of life at Gitmo or Antarctica or Mars.

[@AlexLouiseWest]

@@lorinapetranova2607maybe not Antarctica as they would pollute it but I know what you mean.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Dr. Gus. It has a certain ring to it!

[@happyday3368]

I feel you - that same thing happened to me - that 'couldn't quite put my finger on it' type of thing. Now I pay attention to my gutt - if something is wrong - it's wrong. I back up. My gutt has served me really well over the years.

[@danielle1103]

With the Narcissist it’s: MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY. THINK like me. BE like me. ACT like me. DO AS I SAY. Have NO opinions of your own. Have NO thoughts of your own. CONTROL. CONTROL. CONTROL!!!!

[@t_nels]

Exactly! It is so over the top! Who talks like this, it's just too much!

[@danielle1103]

@@t_nels I agree! Their end all be all goal is to dominate and control. The only person the narcissist cares about is themself.

[@caroleminke6116]

He literally left me by a highway when I found out about his cheating! I had to fly from Virginia home to Florida & he got home first… using a sledgehammer on it & letting the cats outside! Two restraining orders later stopped him in his tracks & he’s HIStory 🤦‍♀️

[@cathybutcher4826]

​@caroleminke6116 I'm glad that you escaped safely!! They're like a nightmare to get rid of!!

[@kentuckyleigh9623]

But they SWEAR THEY ARE NOT like that 😅😩🤯😳😰🥴 It’s EXHAUSTING. I feel like when you try to point what you just stated out (trust me after so many years it’s only at my breaking point - because I KNOW it gets me nowhere 😢) but when you try to point out their insanity (I don’t phrase it like that 🙂) they actually shift all of that ONTO YOU 🤯🤯🤯 It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. It’s cultivated feelings and thoughts and actions in me that I never knew were possible or existed 😢 After so many years it’s brought about a level of confusion in my head that scares me. I’ve lost my memory, train of thought, sometimes the ability to think rationally, I question myself endlessly to the point I’m scared of making any decisions in fear they are wrong, im just frozen. And he says it’s just all me. It’s ALL ME. I’m the problem. I am all those things stated in your comment, and more. 🤯 Although I’ve had (other than normal childhood trauma and regular life issues) a very happy healthy life. Great relationships with all people. No problems anywhere. I’ve always been a GREAT communicator. Always been told I’m a great listener and I give great advice. Have been super social. Have most always been able to problem solve with EVERYONE, including relationships. It’s just mind blowing. Sorry for the book 😩 Does any of this sound familiar to anyone??? Xx 💕

[@carparthero]

the covert narcissist is much more challenging to detect. however, you can find out who they are. call them out on anything, & they get sarcastic, blame shift, mock, become rude, condescend, lie, deceive, change the subject, pretend they don't understand what you're talking about, pretend like you are blowing things out of proportion, & should just let it go. it's how they respond to the calling them out that exposes them when, otherwise, they operate very much under cover. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁

[@Angel-hm9so]

You forgot victim mode and narc rage. I once questioned my CNM about why she didn't tell her girlfriend that the man she married was a known youth pex offender, and the friend had a tender age daughter. The tantrum was hilarious (aka covert narc rage) as was the poor me.

[@carparthero]

@@Angel-hm9so good points mentioned. the narcissist is always the victim or hero in every story.

[@jamaalhorton2343]

This is 100 percent accurate!!

[@rkbllc]

You forgot violent.

[@carparthero]

@@rkbllc some narcs can be , yes indeed.

[@patriciafry8634]

“Persuasive communication” is a technique they use, aggressively, assuming that they are persuasive. Basically just trying to bulldoze you with words (bully you) into agreeing with them, or doing what they want.

[@espiritu_]

Also, they will try to claim that your boundaries are you trying to manipulate them into doing what you want! Let people like this go.

[@teresadvorak6145]

Yep, that's very suffocating😮❤😅

[@jamaalhorton2343]

Whole truth!!

[@tbunnyshy1]

Right! We simply want to protect ourselves.

[@CrystalDawnMusic]

That’s because their boundaries are intended to manipulate or cover their tracks.

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

Yes. Bye- bye

[@jeankipper6954]

"Persuasion" is so courteous. How about demand and insist.

[@chrissemenko628]

Exactly, Jean.🎯💯

[@carolnahigian9518]

you met Toxin Cousins : Andrea- Windy& Kinney the back stabber Thieves..

[@avanellehansen4525]

Coersion!

[@Greenwings701]

It absolutely kills them if you don't do as they do when they've explained to you how superior their way is. It can be a short local drive that has multiple routes, but they cannot accept that you'd go a different way. Can. Not Accept. It. There's nothing too small for them to celebrate if someone does relent. It gives them total glee and they are king of the hill. So immature and so sick. So tedious to be around.

[@DJH97]

For me the #1 is no accountability or responsibility for anything they’ve said or done. They deny deny deny or lie lie lie. He had told me that I needed to be like him so I already knew he thought really highly of himself. He couldn’t keep a job. He was addicted to pot. Yet stood in front of a church congregation as worship leader every week. It started to make me sick after years of it.

[@J.F611]

Christian pot heads are a real thing. No judgment, just facts

[@Skank_and_Gutterboy]

My best friend through junior high and high school was a narcissist but a more sadistic type. He didn't want me to change, he wanted to keep me around as his whipping-boy. My 7-year relationship plus a few bits here and there post-high school are best described as an abusive relationship. It kills me now to think that a 5th grader could be that manipulative but he was and it didn't age like wine. He was good at getting me down on myself and thinking that it was all my fault. When ever I got upset with him, of course I was always the problem (in his twisted world). I can't shake feeling pretty stupid that I hung with that kind of person all through school and didn't realize how I was being manipulated, but master manipulators are like that. When they dump on you, it's because they (supposedly) care about you like a drill sergeant does and want to (supposedly) whip you into shape, they're being tough on you because it's good for you. Don't get pissed at them, YOU'RE the problem. It's always a situation where "you make me do this to you because you can't seem to straighten up and move out of your self-imposed stupidity". I didn't realize until I was 17 how full of crap he is. I took the military ASVAB (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery, which is really an IQ test; I didn't know until much later that they're not allowed to take anybody with an IQ less than 83, this test racks-and-stacks applicants based on IQ) and I absolutely knocked it out of the park. They had me take a few tests in science, physics, and math. Based on those results, the Navy recruited me into their nuclear power program. I was in the delay-entry program until graduation, then went into the active-duty Navy. If I'm so stupid, how did I do that? I saw the movie The Final Countdown at age 10, dreamed of being a on an aircraft carrier, and accomplished that dream. When it came time to re-enlist, I didn't want to do that. I decided that I wanted to be an aerospace engineer, so I got out and used my GI Bill to go to engineering school. So now I'm an aerospace engineer. So really I accomplished my dream twice in life. Back to my narcissist "friend". He found me on Facebook recently and I had to cut him loose again. One thing I found out about people that you meet again 20 years later: they're 99% the same person. Older, maybe wiser, but the same. This was no exception. The first time I corresponded with him, he was already asking me for favors and starting up the same manipulation. He wanted me to come down to Las Vegas and visit him. Of course, I'm the subservient boy in the relationship and I'm supposed to jump to do stuff for him. When I hedged, then comes the guilt and trying to make me feel like I'm being stupid and weak. Nope, not putting up with this, we're done permanently. I blocked him.

[@sadiemaybelline948]

Good for you! I applaud you for staying strong!

[@susanbennetttellstales7998]

The ex used to start with, "If I could just play devil's advocate..." and over the simplest things, like if I expressed enthusiasm for a movie or otherwise indicated I'd enjoyed something. Then he'd behave as though I was trying to change him simply by expressing I'd liked something myself.

[@carefulcarpenter]

They are very difficult to engage in discussion if they cannot control the direction it takes. Absolutely not sincerely curious people--- they are owned by a belief system, an ideology, school of thought, or agenda.

[@jnnlis]

Zero curiosity

[@wakeupordie]

Excellent comment. On point.

[@carefulcarpenter]

@@wakeupordie Very much appreciated comment! They are superficially curious.

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

@@jnnlis 👍Which is annoying if it’s your friend, but painful when it’s a parent. Why bring someone into the world and not want to know them?

[@soco13466]

In other words, they're gullible and stupid. They believe in some religion, or the current "woke" idiocy. They'll say "You need to (full in the blank). I just tell them they need to cram their stupidity where the sun never shines. I will not adapt to stupidity as my beliefs.

[@melissadeloach8503]

This is my mother to a tee. Growing up and as a young adult, I would get gut feelings but could never figure out what the problems were with her. She did the same thing to my aunt, her younger sister. I think it wasn't until my aunt's husband asked her one time, why do you always let her change your mind? It wasn't until there was someone outside the family that could point out how abnormal this was.

[@tbunnyshy1]

Oh do I hear you on this. Your gut was always right ❤

[@ClaireGraceMarshall-jr5mm]

I had the same worrying thoughts growing up with my mum and privately I always felt something was off and that she couldn't be trusted and that she didn't care. They are not the sort of person you can rely on, everything is always twisted and contorted to fit their agenda and always at our cost.

[@WaterBug46]

Everything from using a screwdriver, a map, to filing taxes. He knows it all and has no problem letting you know it.

[@kentuckyleigh9623]

Couldn’t have said it better 😞 After so many years I realize- no matter WHAT I do, from walking, talking, driving, cooking, dressing, thinking and everything in between, to him, it is not right. And he lets me know in such a judgmental, “how can I be so stupid, how come I can’t use my common sense and my brain” kinda way. Although it’s very nonchalant, like I don’t know how to explain it. It’s not attacking usually, it’s just very passive idk 😅

[@kentuckyleigh9623]

And when you try to stand up for yourself, they say you’re perception is wrong, they’re sorry YOU misunderstood them to, they’re just trying to help you be better and oh stop acting like a victim. I wanna pull my hair out.

[@WaterBug46]

@@kentuckyleigh9623 yes, I’ve heard those very words. It’s like there is a universal script for toxic people to use. But we don’t have to listen anymore.

[@MicheleLHarvey]

This is beyond TRUE! And possibly why empathic folk are chosen & singled out by narcissists! Being the exact opposite of opinionated, an empath's accepting, open value system has room for a narcissist's pushy, persuasive style, without immediately being turned off. I only wish I knew this before! It would've saved me a lot of time & heartache!

[@visualapologetics4891]

Yes! That’s right on point-every conversation is a competition. Never, ever a give and take conversation; always jockeying for position, and rudely cutting off the conversation if they are not “winning”. Including getting up and walking out if the room in the middle of your sentence. Thank you Dr. C!

[@Eva-bk9ln]

Sooo true! 🤗🇺🇲

[@EYE_GOTCHA]

You have well described a tactic of my mother and older sister. I allowed both of them to change my mind, from early childhood, and for too many years afterward. I finally had to cut them out of my life and my mental and physical health has, since, greatly improved. 😊

[@jamaalhorton2343]

Good for you!?

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

♥

[@bellaluce7088]

It seemed like a minor thing at the time because I'm a pretty flexible person, but it sickens me in retrospect that I let my narc ex-friend pick the restaurant 99.9% of the time for *years.* 🧐👿 The 4 times I pushed for my choice, she visibly sulked and in one case dawdled so long she ruined it by making us late. And one was my birthday! 😟😠F her! So glad to be free of her vampiric SELFISHNESS!!! 🚫🧛‍♀ There are too many GOOD people and things in the world to waste any more of my life with narcs! 🌈😃❤

[@henrykujawa4427]

My Dad once spent years saying before he passed away, he wanted to visit the Philadelphia Zoo one more time. When we finally planned to go, THAT day, he made a point of going to a doctor's office to drop off some paperwork. It made us so late-- and this was in October-- we were only there for 2 hours before the SUN started to go down. I made a point, after that day, to NEVER schedule 2 things on the same day. (But, sure enough, my narc EX-home care clients would do it all the time.)

[@susanbennetttellstales7998]

Ah yes, birthdays. How they love to ruin other people's. I couldn't count how many times the narcs in my life have "dawdled" refusing to get ready in time for the taxi coming even though they've been advised of the restaurant reservation time, and then that a taxi had been called. Then they've complained at being made to hurry, jumping up only once the taxi arrived to put on lipstick, do hair etc. I currently lack the energy to go further. I hope you have better friends to enjoy birthdays with. Best wishes to you.

[@bellaluce7088]

@@susanbennetttellstales7998 Best wishes and *joyfully* celebrated birthdays to you too. 🥳💖

[@Greenwings701]

It's amazing how we just come to accept that one person is allowed to be the brat, like it's cute because they've always been that way. It's toxic.

[@darinsmith2458]

When I was living with my mom and step father I would shovel the driveway and when my step father got home he would then shovel what I just got done shoveling.. I would also cut the lawn and then he would cut what I just cut.. When I was living on the same property as my sister and her husband and kids I would cut their lawn and it wasn't ever good enough for them.. Even when I would use their plow and plow their driveway it wasn't ever good enough.. Then when I got into a family business I would cut the lawn and it wasn't ever good enough for them.. I am proud of cutting lawn and dealing with snow.. There is something peaceful about doing it... There is also something about dignity and self-respect.. There is also something about not depending on others to do it.. When I was renting a place on the MS Gulf Coast my landlord complained about me not weeding the garden in which he was right.. I will say that he never did tell me to do it.. I am not sure if he commented on me cutting lawn.. I will say that the lawn mower that he had for me to use had a rusted out handle and it ran really bad.. I notice a pattern.. I accept abuse.. Instead of anyone complimenting me on the amazing job that I did all I got was more complaints.. That is something that I am still struggling with..

[@Orquet-qj2nf]

Your work has value. Whether or not other people see the value, it is valuable. They didn't recut and reshovel because your work was bad. They did that because they are nuts. The problem lies within them. I do hope you can find people who see the value in your work and properly appreciate it, but I hope you are first able to see the objective worth in your work, regardless of input from other people.

[@darinsmith2458]

@@Orquet-qj2nf Thank you..

[@SallyP-re9wt]

@darinsmith2458 Now that you see the pattern you are heading to freedom and healthy relationships. Learning to stand up to bullies has set me free. We DO have value and have a voice to be heard.

[@darinsmith2458]

@@SallyP-re9wt Thank you

[@deemaysie6568]

@darinsmith2458 I have learnt a hard lesson in life not to ask for recognition or permission to do anything, because all you will get is dissatisfaction and criticism. I would be SO grateful if someone mowed my lawn or cleared my driveway instead of always having to do it myself. You sound like a bright, shining star! There is an old saying that goes something like this:"It is more acceptable to many to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission". Unfortunately narcs twist this to their own advantage, but for good people, I think there is a lot of wisdom in these words.

[@StudiosDelirium]

It just hurts so much to hear time after time how much the narcissist just doesn’t care about us, when it’s a family member, spouse, friend. Radical acceptance, friends, is the only way. Good luck.

[@avanellehansen4525]

Short test= tell them no!

[@peggyerickson2549]

They Never accept no. It's all denial to them!!!!!

[@avanellehansen4525]

@@peggyerickson2549 correct. And don't accept no. They either push past it or punish you.

[@peggyerickson2549]

Sadly, I think my experience ended up in being punished. I'm autistic, not sharpest tack on board, but I catch up. These guys were SO relentless, I was forced to move. 1 of my best decisions!! Now, I worry who else they're abusing.

[@rwdchannel2901]

If I'm happy about one of my accomplishments that'll trigger the narcissist. I can expect narcissist to be envious of me, try to put me down, be passive aggressive and compete with me. Mainly I look out for passive aggression, extreme envy of me, passive aggressive behavior towards me and competing with me when I'm determining if a person is toxic.

[@georgeheller2281]

Or they say, "you know what you should do". Oh, how they love to tell you.

[@susanbennetttellstales7998]

In Australian vernacular, "You know what you wanna do?" Which was the complete opposite to what I wanted to do...

[@Jessica4492-rj3zg]

Sometimes when I brought up a topic and expressed my thoughts/feelings/preferences, the narcissistic person would say quite often “I just don’t understand why you see it that way!” I wish I would have just stuck to my intuition at the time. “I see it that way because that’s the way I see it.” If I tried to have assertiveness, it was “All I’m trying to do here is give you advice because I’m tired of seeing you have this problem. You don’t appreciate my advice!” Now I see it was them trying to get me to think their way and if I don’t I’m an idiot.

[@namastea]

Last time I shared a different opinion than the narc sibling, they turned into a demon and started raging! That is when I kicked them out of my home. The nerve.

[@doctorstreamspunk9996]

My dad never called my mom a narcissist but he did say 'It's difficult living with such perfection. '

[@scruffscrofula]

Your dad's hilarious!

[@dme2442]

My covert narcissist husband told me, "you have the right to believe any wrong thing you want." What an arrogant a-hole!

[@annbritanilsson]

I was told " nothing you say has any value" Alrighty then lol

[@badomaji]

I live in a hornets nest of them - an HOA in FL. I've been out walking my pet and been called dumb b***h from a couple of them. They monitor my cellphone communications, and apparently, have been discussing them.

[@SterileNeutrino]

@@badomajiHow do they monitor your cellphone communications? 🤔 This could be paranoid ideation.

[@badomaji]

@@SterileNeutrino With a sophisticated name (handle) that you have come up with, I bet you could manage to look it up on Wikipedia. Got friends in the game?

[@fred.k9875]

Narcissist keep going back to their agendas this how things supposed to be, imperative thinking.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're on it, Fred. Exploitation, to me, is the clearest indicator, but as far as covert signs, this is it.

[@PantaRhei-wz5zn]

This ! Exactly this ! Sticking to whatever they originally thought, even when new info invalidates it, /or pushing it over people while wildly inappropriate. Plus, fully related: The complete inability to process "NO" even when the no is appropriate to the context. Have seen grown men trow temper tantrums like 2,5 year olds, everything except rolling over the floor. Have to train myself to leave at that stage - it is damaging to stay. In personal context, work context, and healthcare context. Just leave. It's hopeless.

[@fred.k9875]

@@PantaRhei-wz5zn I am with on that one just leave the situation.

[@fred.k9875]

@@SurvivingNarcissism yes exploitation is the strongest overt sign I agree!

[@t_nels]

@Fred.k8975 You make me think of Inspector Javert in Les Mes.

[@theundone777]

100%, the best way to find out if someone has narcissistic tendencies is to tell them no (directly or by drawing clear boundaries for yourself). Whether it's anger, coercion, tantrums, insults, pulling away, or the silent treatment- no narcissist response to the word "no" in a healthy way.

[@michelerunyon9593]

I have said this so many times.

[@FilosophicalPharmer]

Had a nice conversation with someone just a couple hours ago. During the conversation, they ‘jokingly’ tried to blame me for some action she took during the conversation. I called her out on it, she agreed and the conversation continued. Much of my newfound ability to spot narcissism is thanks to this channel. Thank You! 😊

[@hurricaneaquatics]

You definitely weren't speaking to a narcissist. They'll never take accountability for anything 😂.

[@popmonika]

​​@@hurricaneaquatics I agree, they'd normally try to pretend they had no idea what you're talking about and do it with a delightfully polite smile.😂 And if that doesn't work then here comes the heavy gas lighting.

[@FilosophicalPharmer]

Narcissism is a form of bullying. Call your bullies out and tell me again I wasn’t speaking to a narcissist, @@hurricaneaquatics

[@FilosophicalPharmer]

@@hurricaneaquatics Even when she was the McD’s employee and I was the customer? Thanks for your insight.

[@FilosophicalPharmer]

@@hurricaneaquatics The only interaction I have with others lately always involves B4NK N0TES. Unless I’m at the public library. But when I speak to them, all they say is “Shhh!l

[@MapleBar777]

My ex literally told me she felt like I treated her like an enemy. That was very telling because I never felt that way about her when we dealt with issues. She was unknowingly projecting.

[@i.l.9546]

Yes, because the See you as the enemy and they treat you like this so you feel it vice versa I think.

[@MapleBar777]

@@1timeslime971 If you're calling someone your enemy and you leave them because that's actually how you feel, that's one thing. But, if you're calling someone your enemy because they did or said something that hurt your feelings but you stay with them, that's manipulation and a tactic that covert narcissists use. I would suggest taking some personal inventory and ask yourself if your words align with your actions. Calling someone your enemy is one hell of a thing to say. Enemies kill each other.

[@1timeslime971]

When a narc has hurt you so so deeply, for so many years…..they’re not your protector, but IT FEELS like they’re an enemy. If they’re not for you, Theyre against you.

[@MapleBar777]

@@1timeslime971 So leave or get serious help. Staying or doing nothing is a contradictory action to your words, deeming them at best hyperbole and most likely hurtful and manipulative, which is categorically abusive.

[@1timeslime971]

@@MapleBar777 Who ARE you? WHAT are you, that you wrongly think you’ve somehow got the right to GIVE ME any advice….I didn’t ask you. YOU r a NARCISSIST, because you’re gaslighting my expression, what IM FEELING, your arrogant in thinking you need to tell me ANYTHING at all….I havnt mentioned here what my actions are, doesn’t mean there isn’t any.

[@maddie8415]

Wow, this is my covert narcissist stepmother exactly. She has never wanted to understand how I think and feel and has always assigned odd and toxic motivations (that she would have) to very benign behaviors of mine.

[@shiny7301]

Their ultimate aim in the long term is to control you by persuasive agreement. Everything must go on under his/her control. For example, my ex-husband had tried to persuade me to buy the the car he wanted. I resisted and bought the car I wanted. Like every car, it had some minor malfunctions and it happened rarely. At that times, all he did was to blame and make me feel guilty. Thanks Dr.Carter for your precious contributions ❤❤

[@tbunnyshy1]

It feels really good to continue separating from them, gently growing apart with DRC. I just want to go no contact or severely low contact. In other words, no or low exposure to the mental gymnastics. It shouldn’t be this hard to be around family.

[@theoryofpersonality1420]

No, they don't listen at all. They make a point not to let me speak. They talk over, they act like having to hear my point of view is physically painful. They will yell at me to "shut up, shut up, shut up" they call me stupid or ignorant. If I am doing something they will always say I should be doing it differently. The thing I've found that helps the most is telling them that I don't care what they think. That I like me and that's all that matters.

[@henrykujawa4427]

Early on with my (NOW-EX!) home care client, I was telling him a story, and right in the middle of a sentence, he interrupted. He did it such a way that it threw me off my game, and I said, "DON'T interrupt!" Later, while shopping, his partner accused me of telling the guy to "SHUT UP", when I never used those words. But his partner, apart from ALSO being a narc, was also a "yes man" / "enabler" / "flying monkey" / "FLUNKIE". Always siding with "the boss" as the only way to get along with him.

[@jonadams2334]

Being persuaded FROM doing something without permission from someone. In other words, doing things ON YOUR OWN. In my personal experience, I have noticed this trend with individuals who are self-oriented or have narcissistic tendencies. All hell breaks loose when you do something WITHOUT a narcissist’s permission.

[@manapeace]

Something clicked for me watching this. It didn’t make sense to me why my sibling started reading management books AFTER retiring. The need for control. 😮

[@popmonika]

Lack of respect for people's boundaries i would say is number one. When you first meet them they seem everywhere and keen to talk to you - even butting into conversations you have with other people - although they never care for what you're doing, saying or if you're busy or wanted to talk to them or not.

[@Truthteller1s]

She always gave the illusion that I had a choice in any matter. I did not. She chose every vacation destination, restaurant, what clothes I wore, what I purchased, how fast/slow I walked, how I should/shouldn't act, etc.... If you didn't do it her way, she would rage, withhold sex and manipulate any way she could. 🤬🤬🤬

[@gitarani9269]

They want to puppetize you and make you dance to their tune of the moment.

[@gitarani9269]

They want to puppetize you and make you dance to their tune of the moment.

[@user-qv9nw1dq2f]

I want to be in relationships that give me room to think for myself 😊 thank you for your wisdom and support dr Carter❤ God bless you❤

[@jannawalters232]

They might just sulk at us if they're angry....

[@duromusabc]

You just described my in laws to the T ! They have persuasive manipulative communication when they talk to me - competitive and one up one down dialogue

[@fred.k9875]

To spot narcissism just throw word freedom and to be free to choose see how they react. Narcissist will never grasp the fact that freedom can bring cohesion in relationships.

[@anautisticsguidetotheunive4109]

They cannot even grasp that 'Freedom' applies to others, as well. Too right in your observation.

[@bereal6590]

I felt constantly watched and judged. It's like you can't even breathe around them. You can't understand why you feel so twitchy anxious and hypervigilant, but when they're not around you don't feel that way. They're manipulative and have no patience to know who you are, if they did they might find you're a pretty interesting person.

[@liz_holland]

Yes. Every time my ex left the house or went away on a business trip I would feel relieved and like I could breathe and relax again, I just didn’t realize why.

[@jenp5759]

This had me remembering a time when my parents visited after my husband were married and working before we had children. We had done a small renovation ourselves, had new carpeting and splurged for two beautiful wingback chairs with a burgundy upholstery. She made a huge deal over me asking her to remove her shoes to walk on the light gray carpet, even wiping the bottom of her shoes on her clothes to demonstrate they weren't dirty 'although she walked outside in them. She was pissed that I remained calm but didn't let her walk over me on that. She then proceeded to take a picture off my wall saying that wasn't the right spot for it. My father, who was the only one who dared to get away with jokingly pointing out truths, commented about the colour I had chosen for the chairs..oh, oh, it's different than ours. My mother's behaviour was absolutley crazy making for me. Understanding more about these traits has allowed me to find more compassion for myself and how I coped over the years, which I couldn't have done without therapeutic support, and also find some compassion for her since she is no longer alive.

[@lindac6919]

She wanted to be Queen of YOUR Castle. She can't stand it that you have your own territory. I had a House Rules sign over my front door: "If you don't like it, you can leave. If I don't like it, you WILL leave."

[@jenp5759]

@@lindac6919 it felt as if she was jealous of me, Competing with me or want me to have anything more or different than she did. I guess I didn’t want to believe that a mother could have these human feelings about her own daughter as she was launching in her marriage. I was the truth seer and black sheep in our family even though I didn’t know what exactly I was seeing at the time other than all is not well here, and mostly jumped on board to think it was me being defective to the core.

[@JKB-ji6xl]

Your remaining calm can drive a narcissist who intended to provoke you crazy! It's like the narc thinks, "You're supposed to get angry & lose your cool because of what I did to provoke you that I won't admit to."

[@DogMomCMF]

You nailed it... This is to understand the narc better and have compassion rather than anger. It's so much easier to understand that their ridiculous actions come from pain and hurts they have, rather than actually trying to hurt me out of evil, makes it much easier to deal with!

[@jenp5759]

@@DogMomCMF I’m 68 now and oh how I wish this information had been available sooner. I believe that I wouldn’t have spent so many years off and on in anxiety or depression where I had lost myself in the end and perhaps my marriage wouldn’t have taken such a toxic path.

[@user-ws5di9ln1r]

They are great actors!

[@t_nels]

Dr Carter, You always have the answers! We compromise ourselves when we deal with covert narcissists. Thank you 🌹

[@user-ei9cd8jg1i]

Narcissistic people will not take responsibility or say they are Sorry and apologize and really mean it!!

[@TheSilverlady1980]

Only fake sarcastic “sorry” if you get one at all.

[@genitagray6126]

Your videos are the best! I only wish I’d found out about narcissism before I was the target.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Sorry to hear that, but I hope you can find peace.

[@PSAqi6kh]

Wish I saw this 5 years ago… never even heard of the term narcissist..

[@JKB-ji6xl]

Thanks Dr. C, The cumulative effect of watching your videos not only has helped me in moving away from a highly narcissistic neighbor but also helped me develop a sensitivity, a narcissist early honing system that indicates I may be dealing with one. Blessings to you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased for you.

[@Teacher369]

Thank you, Dr Carter ☀️. You gave me another great term to look up: PERSUASIVE COMMUNICATION 🎯 🎯 🎯 PS “imperative speech” was another good one from a different video. 🙏

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Love it!!

[@sophies_poppin]

I’m currently dealing with a covert narcissist. He’s my brother. We have always been close but ever since he got a gf he’s really been showing his true colors and the mask slips. He love bombs her and pressed her to move in 1 month after they started dating. I currently live with them and he puts on a mask infront of her and then he treats me like shit. He doesn’t want to loose her so he’ll be nice and say “sorry” and try to convince her that he’s not a bad person. It’s like having a child. He wants us to cook for him and do whatever he says . He’s very controlling and cold hearted. He doesn’t care about my success or safety but will brag about his success and wants everyone to praise him. He lies a lot of tries to triangulate me and his gf. Everytime I set boundaries he just gaslights and does whatever he wants, otherwise I’m the controlling one🤦🏼‍♀️

[@diannebrett4074]

You’re going to have to move out

[@BarbzSA]

So i suppose behind persuasive communication is underlying grandiosity and desire to dominate.. yikes

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Especially when they are repeatedly that way!

[@BobTheSchipperke]

Passive aggression? Victimhood is too common amongst other kinds. 🤔

[@DogMomCMF]

This was not only timely today, but very good!! Thank you so much!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're so welcome!

[@lynbarker3828]

Doc this is pure gold. My sister-in-law just has this gift for knowing whats best for everyone. And triangulates skilfully as well . An angel of light. 😂

[@jamaalhorton2343]

Covert narcissism is the absolute worse because you miss a lot because of the subtlety of their actions! You have to really take notes!

[@hugmc]

They are the biggest demons ❤

[@jamaalhorton2343]

@@hugmc I was going Malignant but you right !! The covert hides the “demon” the Malignant narcissist lets you know immediately they are demons!

[@elainesmith5313]

Dr. C. I am ever so grateful for you and Team Healthy. The knowledge I have gained are invaluable! I just put an end to a less than a yr. relationship that became blantly clear I was dealing with someone who had "some type of personality disorder???? Became very demanding and intolerant of others. A great need to control, no patience, no consideration, blaming, critical of others who tried to help her. Nothing is ever right, always complaining, not considerate of others. Enough is enough , thsnk God for the fact we can set boundaries for ourselves, and move on. Getting better at spotting these AI's.

[@RealBigCliff]

"Yeah but" That was the continual refrain anytime I would express any opinion or draw some conclusion Even if the "yeah but" was followed by a complete restatement of my thoughts in their own words, they *needed* to counter and direct me

[@PS-qn4oz]

I enjoy persuasiveness, almost like an art form. I like seeing people debate each other. I like figuring out which the most solid and convincing arguments are....basically like a lawyer might. I want the best and truest information to prevail. I enjoy being persuaded and having to change my mind because the other person has a better command of the material or whatever. But I see, a lot of people aren't rigged this way. To me it's mental exercise, stimulating, and potentially clarifying....to others it may be perceived as narcissism. I need to be more discerning with this, thank you.

[@EvaCFricke]

No. 1 sign is that they will not respond back to you in a normal way. Like, if you ask or say something, they leave the room without responding, they respond very little and you feel unsatisfied, they say something off the topic and avoid answering or they stay in the room but go silent. I have seen all of it in my immediate family. That's how they break you down.

[@b8akaratn]

That high persuasion can become Coercive, i think (8:38)

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Great video Dr.C thanks 🙏 I understand that people of great persuasion can seem very upbeat. I think this has manifested itself with some as coercive control. I'm learning not to be dragged into that!!!

[@logothaironsides2942]

if you arent acting like their line assembley robot, then you are broken and they will tolerate you but constantly try to reprogram your corrupt code..

[@sonclearbrahman-ar1461]

Thank you SO much for this. We need all the help we can get to navigate these minefields. Love and Respect from Scotland. 💚

[@elcee7800]

I repeated these words to him on average every two years for 38 years.

[@lulabellegnostic8402]

For me it’s boundaries. It starts with simple things like turning up at your home without calling ahead. Then when you say ‘i’m in the middle of something right now’, they’ll gaslight you with something like ‘oh, but i thought you said you weren’t doing anything today’ thus telling you your time and space isn’t important, and you are at they’re beck and call. So a video doorbell is your best friend. Especially when you’ve been call screening your phone to maintain your boundaries.

[@coach_amy]

With ex *covert* NPD, the biggest, key persuasion message (hindsight) was *"I need you to believe the masks I'm wearing."* With the *overt* NPDs I was involved with (including parents and ex spouse), the persuasion key message was *"I need you to feel lowly about yourself and fear me."* None of these people tried to get me to think like them or be like them (I don't believe they are deep or aware enough for that) except in the forms of believing their key persuasion messages. If I went against these messages, I was the bad guy. They wanted me to keep my mouth shut--unless they needed me to react, for supply, or I was expressing compliance with their key persuasive messages. None of these people understood nuance.

[@i.l.9546]

My experience: If you want a narcissist to do something just claim the opposite. And if you dont want something say you want it. Always works.

[@robinantonio8870]

100%. If I wanted something my husband made sure I didn't get it. If I didn't want something he made sure it happened. Then he wondered why I left.

[@happyday3368]

This exact thing happened to me. I’m part of a group where this one person would tell me her thoughts on something and I didn’t see it that way - she felt that others had ulterior motives when to me, it didn’t look that way at all. OR if someone asked her a question, she’d react in a way that didn’t answer the question but took it to another crazy level - that was not intended by the person asking the question. Needless to say, I’ve had to put a LOT of distance there. There were other things she did that were inappropriate - telling someone else’s story and gaslighting me.

[@maryd253]

“Competitive mindset “ - I love that phrase.

[@ActiveSneakers]

Can this happen in group settings? Many years ago, I witnessed this at a school district when my daughter was in middle school through high school as a parent volunteer. I found myself making many excuses to avoid after being burnt out and frazzled for giving my time.

[@takz0743]

Thank you again. Excellent as always. It's as if you are personally talking to me about my younger brother and his manipulation tactics. What is truly vexing and evil is when they get a beloved and innocent victim to be their lackey and do the dirty work. Our family's youngest child would always get Mom to use his persuasion and manipulation tactics to get other family members to do what he wanted. In his 30's, as he turned into a permanent squatter at the parents' house who was there 24/7, he honed his craft and excelled at getting others to do his will by going through Mom. Whenever she came to me during my visits and said something like, "Do you think today we could (do something or go somewhere or change some plan)?" I knew it was not for her but for the Great Manipulator of the household; and if I didn't immediately say, "OK, sure!" with a happy face she would quickly say, "Will you do it for me?" What could I do? She was more afraid of the narcissist than she was desirous to do anything for anyone else. It was aggravating. I swear he stayed up every night thinking about how he wanted the next day to go, then worked on his approach to Mom and how he would persuade her and twist her arm so that she would work effectively on others in the house so that his plan would work. It usually didn't take much.

[@scrappydappydoo]

I believe God who created us has given us all freewill. When someone refuses to agree to disagree, then from such turn away.

[@abetterlife5120]

Such good insight into the inner workings of a narcissist. And, totally unrelated, your dog in the background is adorable! Looks like they’re living their best life. 😊

[@riseabove3133]

I wish I could 👍🏼 this ten more times. Five thumbs up 🎯

[@hauntedsalmon7931]

I met with someone I barely knew and drove 2 hours to meet her. She proceeded to criticize everything about me citing she had a degree in psychology which I never saw and this gave her license to judge me. This was for my good of course and she kept stressing that I should be open minded to accept her judgment. I just sat there and wondered how far she would go. I later told my therapist who has a PHD. He likened her to someone who shows up at an accident with a Bic pen ready to do a tracheotomy because they think they saw it on MASH. Sometimes a little education does a lot of damage.

[@joseph.micheal.romero]

As always your videos are so helpful. Thank you so much.

[@michelleharkness7549]

Thank you 🙏: again; thank you 🙏 😇

[@2thedivine944]

I’ll never forget something that will forever stay with me.. I love animals and there was a turtle on a highway I sent my ex Devil a picture of the turtle and told him the situation he replied, you are taking it from its family. when my rabbit died whom was 10 years old the devil made cues and gestures applying it to be my fault. I fought with him for about a week because I could not justify how any of these behaviors and words were not fueled in malice, This man hated me! For being a ball of love. May God have mercy on him

[@angellollar1083]

This is so timely!!!! Thank you!!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it was helpful!

[@earthling8585]

My sister-in-law was at my sisters' house a few months after my sisters' son died. She was all ramped up saying out of the blue, never being that close to them, that she was going to start flipping houses with my sister and brother-in-law, that the women can furnish them and my brother-in law could do the painting...on and on and on. My brother just sat there, saying nothing. My sister sat in stunned silence. My brother-in-law finally said "Um, I don't think so!" Their audacity is astounding!

[@gigiarmany4332]

Love your channel & soothing fatherly voice so much...God bless❤️💖🖤🙌🏾👍🏽

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you so much!

[@billyboyd3493]

Thanks Doc. Great shirt.... that Gus is a relaxed , lazy hound... Jokin'

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Yes, all I ever "did" to my mother was to stay firm in my *own* interpretation of events, and for that, she told the extended family I'm detached from reality, aggressive, unhappy, angry..... well, I am angry with her.

[@visualapologetics4891]

That’s right on point- they will sometimes pretend that they care. But honestly, I don’t think they know how. Maybe not able to engage others in that way. It was a heartbreak to realize this.

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

Thank you so much Gus and Dr. C. From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, CythniaAnn!

[@advancedbasicsAB]

Thank you Dr Carter for all you do.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are very welcome

[@SandraMuller-vs8ck]

So much knowledge gained through your podcasts on narcissism. Thank you ever so much and God bless. ❤