My AuDHD Burnout Story: What Was It Like And What Happened?

Prepare yourself for some feelings, my friends. Part one is the story of the build up to and the experience of AuDHD (autistic and adhd) burnout while still needing to be a parent (hint, it's kinda difficult to do both), and part 2 will be strategies and things I did to feel better.
#audhd #neurodivergentparent #burnoutrecovery
00:00 Deciding to tell this story
01:33 What is "Normal"?
03:15 Early Childhood And Masking
06:00 School And Pressure To Succeed
08:19 Workplace Experiences
09:25 We All Have Things To Work On
10:31 Marriage And Parenting
14:15 2020 Impact
15:32 Diagnosis And Final Collapse
18:49 Initial Protective Measures
It's totally fine if you don't want to hear me talk about this part. It's not for everyone. I hesitated sharing it for a while, for fear it will be viewed as whining or complaining, or "too emotional". BUT I do think we heal when we share and I wish I'd had some sort of understanding of what was going on with me when this started to happen other than "you are in burnout". And? What does that mean?? Why is this happening?
So I'm presenting it here, honest, sometimes possibly cringe, not as a full and complete definition of anyone else's story nor dismissal of anyone else's experiences, but because I think it will help other late diagnosed AuDHD and Neurodivergent parents understand that they are not, in fact, making it up. You are not weak. It's real, it's more difficult that my words can convey, and you are doing your best.
I want it to be abundantly clear that my husband and I are incredible parents, and our kids were always safe and are doing great. What I went through was done safely and responsibly and what I learned from this experience has only fostered a better understanding of and relationship with my children and what it means to navigate this world as a neurodivergent person.

[@paulrudd1063]

Thank you for finding the courage to make this video. You’re amazing. There’s so little research in this area of adult burnout. This happened to me about five years ago. Like you, I was struggling harder and harder to function in my job and my life in general. I just blamed myself for not being able to do what everyone around me seemed to be able to do so effortlessly. I was finally diagnosed with asd and adhd a year ago. I was 56. I only found out i was autistic because one of my children was identified as being autistic and the assessing psychologist and paediatrician both suggested I get assessed as well. I thought I was really good at masking, but the truth is, everyone around me knew I was ‘different’. And a lot of people recognise that this makes you a ‘safe’ target for bullying and venting. For years I kept trying to get back to the equilibrium I thought I’d been managing before my burnout. But now I realise that this is neither possible, nor desirable. It is not a good idea to return to the masking strategies I employed before the burnout. This masking was a contributing factor to the burnout. It was just what seemed like the ‘most’ effective mask that I’d managed to construct in order to function in my job and as a parent. By the way, this whole process can literally kill you. All the anxiety and pressure actually caused so much damage to my heart that I needed a valve repair. My body literally gave up on life. There is not enough research done in this area. The majority of autism research is focused on children, because that is an area that is identified as being most important. But all of those kids will one day grow up and then they’ll be facing the same things that so many of us are dealing with, silently, alone and without any real understanding from the people living around us. So this is why your video is so important. This is the first time I’ve ever actually thought that I’m not the only person who has dealt with this situation.

[@dsathreads]

I’m really glad you said that. Certainly not glad about what you went through. It does need to be said and explained and every story matters. I couldn’t really tell people or interact with people well for most of the tough parts.

[@robinlaker]

Sharing our stories is so important. The comments on videos are equally important too because this is where you find solidarity. Be kind to yourself ✌️

[@embyrarts8712]

"This is the first time I’ve ever actually thought that I’m not the only person who has dealt with this situation." I'm in the same situation at this very moment.

[@nurmihusa7780]

The single most freeing and empowering realization I came to in my journey is the understanding that *I* am the expert. Me. All the various professionals I had to deal with were not competent to deal with me because they didn’t simply didn’t and couldn’t understand my experience. They had narratives to follow. And those narratives were far more important than the person in front of them. I realized that I can’t expect them to understand until I explain to them what it is they don’t understand. And if they are unwilling to learn - you say thank you and move on to someone who can. I also learned to respect and appreciate my various panic attacks (meltdowns). Of which they were many different kinds. And each one of them was my wonderfully creative NONVERBAL subconscious trying to communicate with me about what it was having an issue with. When for example I lost my voice? That was my unconscious telling me that I’m upset about not being listened to. Some of them are that amusingly simple. Others are more complicated. And one can experience many different symptoms at the same time depending on all the things that are being thrown at one at a particular moment. You are wonderfully creative and I very much admire what you’ve accomplished and shared here. Knowing that all that beauty was incredibly expensive to bring into the world. Which makes it all the more beautiful and valuable. Because you had to work hard for it. Way harder other people who have a much simpler throughline.

[@mayaserrella1572]

I am neurotypical but have friends who are neurodivergent. I have learned that to be a friend you have to be flexible and be able to take them on their terms. I just want you to know that there are people out there who do accept you as you are. Whether it’s a “good “ or “bad” day. I appreciate the content you post when you post it. No expectations of anything, just what you can or want to give. I appreciate you for you, not what you give or don’t give.

[@isabellammusic]

I feel like we've had similar experiences in life and you are so good at talking about how it feels. I'm 37 and I have two kids. I have been in a marriage for 15 years and all that time it felt like a couldn't find peace because of all the expectations women have. I was working and parenting and I was in in constant dysregulation and hyper vigilance. Now I realise I was in burnout and I don't think I have come out of it yet.

[@dsathreads]

Same here, 16 years. It’s a lot.

[@OnServantsWings]

Thank you for sharing. I'm a bit younger, but also hit my complete burnout/shutdown place during the pandemic due to AuDHD and the pressures that I couldn't navigate anymore. I felt seen in your descriptions of your experience, which was something I needed today.

[@pippaseaspirit4415]

People who target the “unusual” have basically not developed mentally at all since either they, or someone they creeped to, were the playground bully. Emotional age of maybe 12, if that. Masking is exhausting, and burnout is painful. I have no idea what will work best for you, but I find just sitting or wandering slowly outdoors amid some decent greenery helps me when things get bad.

[@dsathreads]

Yes, I will definitely be mentioning a lot of what worked in the next part.

[@bigbucketlist]

It's freaky how similar our timelines are, and the emotions you express are very much what I am going through. The rage is real! Thank goodness that's one of the more useful emotions, I absolutely prefer it compared to that one when everything shuts down. No idea what this state is called, but I have spent years just operating on a blank brain that doesn't experience any feelings, no anger, no fear, no pain, no joy, no surprise, no nothing, it just makes sure you breathe and digest food basically. I have spent a lot of time thinking of something that comes up a lot talking about burnout, either someone else is asking you or you are asking yourself: "how long do you think it will take until you are back to normal?" or "you start to seem like your old self again!". This is one of the worst ones for me. Because there is no way back, a burnout changes your brain permanently, and even if it WAS possible, you should absolutely not return. Of course I miss my old self, but that person didn't know where the limits where, and that's what broke my brain. Now I'm on the scientific journey to map out The Limits for the rest of my life!

[@brooke_reiverrose2949]

My therapist says it is possible to heal from it and find a better new normal. Fingers crossed they're right!

[@tomsale5142]

​@@brooke_reiverrose2949do you have pain with it one now diagnosed auadhd after 26 years CFS 7 years fybromyalgia or is it autism burnout trying to find out I also have heds to

[@Eryniell]

the "appearing really put together" is so painful...I remember trying to seek out help multiple times during my life, but it was one specific seeking out help that devastated me and made me not have any faith that someone would actually help me. It was a school counselor and I made an appointment with them cause I was struggling so so much and had no real support from anywhere and while we were talking he did seem understanding and wanting to help but then he said: "I don't really know how I can help you, you seem to have already figured out everything" it baffled me so much, considering I came there because I wasn't coping....it made me feel alone and it didn't help that one of my childhood related traumas was neglect. that happened during my teens, now I'm in my 30s and have completely burned out some years ago and only 2 years ago went into the whole rabbit hole of Adhd and autism (though i suspected autism earlier) I do not know how to get out of this burnout(if it can be called that, it seems to vary in intensity)...it has been 5 years of it (atleast 5 years since I pretty much collapsed under it and now can't do it to myself anymore to continue like before) I'm not sure I even can get out of it or if something got irrepairable broken...because truth is, I never was able to really cope but thanks to therapy I was made aware of it, that I actually started respecting myself enough to realize how much I was hurting and was hurting myself aswell, by constantly and persistently ignoring my limits to please whatever expectations I felt I had to fulfill from society, my family etc. now thinking about doing it again is feeling like someone telling me to jump into a pit of hot needles...(sorry for the graphic image) Knowing that I'm likely autistic and having adhd now, did help me though....I started accommodating for myself...to learn about what I need, to learn what I really can't handle(aka not able to function at all under certain conditions), learning to forgive myself for what is out of my control, learning how to allow myself to ask for help and be helped. Also learning that whatever "image" I had created of myself to strive towards, was never realistic and I'm still grieving about that. I'm also waiting for getting my evaluation....have been waiting for 2 years for that aswell, hoping somehow that it would be obvious to them that I have it, it would be a relief. Afraid that they can't or won't diagnose me for whatever reason...the medical system in many aspects is very flawed especially around autism and adhd diagnostics.... I know the diagnosis is not going to fix everything magically and it doesn't really provide me with much (if at all) relevant support...but just knowing that it's not just me seeing it....not just people from an echochamber believing it...not just my friends noticing it because i told them all about it, but someone who is largely unrelated to me with the power to turn it into an official statement which maybe could then help me to not always have to explain myself (it's honestly tiring)

[@lisascenic]

Fist-bump of solidarity! I’m sending you lots of empathy and support.

[@brooke_reiverrose2949]

Wow so much of this is exactly the same as what I've been through. Was diagnosed at 39, shortly after I hit burnout, which I've yet to come out of. That was 7 years ago, and my family went through pretty much the same reactions yours did. I don't have kids but my partner at this time was chronically ill and needed looking after. It's incredibly meaningful to hear someone else voice exactly what you are going through, when no one else understands. Thank you enormously, and I hope we can both find better community with understanding people. Isolation and loneliness has been a huge problem for me. I actually figured you might be in burnout because you hadn't been putting out content, and every now and again have sent you good luck and well wishes. Same with Cassiane.

[@kimzachris5340]

Thanks for sharing ❤ Very relatable, though most of my struggles are with gender dysphoria and never getting to be myself and always trying so hard to make it work anyways and to take care of everyone else's suffering because mine was without solution. What that brought me was chronic fatigue issues, mood disorders and getting stuck and stagnant in the lowest parts my own life without the resources left to do what needs to be done to make it better. Burnout sucks, especially when it feels like you kept running the motor for so long on empty that it broke completely, and you have to rebuild it to even start being able to recover. My compassion and wellwishes. Thanks for still showing up here, I appreciate it.

[@dsathreads]

It is so tough. We all navigate the difficulties in multiple ways, thank you for sharing yours. 💜

[@jadencecardoza9460]

😭😭😭 I’m having so much trouble with this right now and have been for a while.. I feel so done 😭😭 I’m so sorry sweetie that you’re having a hard time too😭 I love you ❤️

[@nurmihusa7780]

Telling our individual stories is incredibly important - it is essential. And that’s true for any marginalized community. Not just the neurodivergent. We learn from each other. We have to learn from each other because “the people in charge” generally aren’t the least bit competent to help us. Or are actively working against us. We all have coping mechanisms. And mostly we have no clue that the dances we do are in fact coping mechanisms. We just think that’s normal. It isn’t. But it is for us. And we are wonderfully creative. Far more than we imagine. We are pretty damn impressive actually.

[@melaninathan]

Oh my goodness. Your burnout sounds exactly like where I am. I had my second child at the start of lockdown. I lived in a country with one of the strictest and longest lockdowns in the world. I was put on the pandemic beat as a journalist, after losing my job during parental leave. Then we left everything behind and moved to a different country. I lost everything all at once. 18 months later both young kids were diagnosed ND (one with a very rare genetic disorder) I have no resilience left. I cry all the time. Anxiety is killing me. I am failing everyone. I'm still the primary parent and it feels like I'm drowning. I've finally had a therapy intake session ( in a foreign language, yay me!) Everyone says, ' just rest and take care of yourself!' But how the heck do I do tha?! It feels like yet another thing I can't do. Sorry for the rant. Thank you for your vulnerability. I feel less 'other' and alone.

[@TamarHestrinGrader]

Thank you - as always - for your honesty and courage in talking about these topics directly - and indeed for the enormous efforts it must have taken for creating the video, not just (hah, "just".... oufff...) what you say in it. Hearing about your experience and how you survived and are making your way towards thriving is assuredly helping me on my own version of that path - as it clearly does many others in this comment section! (I haven't the bandwidth to express this more coherently right now, but I hope my meaning is at least adequately clear.)

[@mipe3849]

Thank you for sharing this first part of your story. It is very relatable to me, so you are not alone. I also need to rely much on my partner for similar reason, more that I would wish. And still not coping well. Trying to figure out what works and what not. I really appreciate that you are so open to share your story, helping others in the process. Looking forward to the sequel.

[@avgirlaustintx]

First of all thanks for making this. I relate to you on so many levels. I just turned 39, I have 2 kids, the youngest in kindergarten. I've been their sole emotional support and care giver because my husband "works all day". Meanwhile I also work, but I work from home, so I guess that doesn't really count as work to anyone. I am so burnt out. I can barely do my duties. It's bare minimum over here. It's really hard. On-top of that I think I may be AuDHD. I've been deep diving into it and that is how I found you. I also think my oldest daughter has some kind of neurodivergence, but the doctors say she doesn't have autism or ADHD or anything accept for "generalized anxiety disorder". She's so different from my youngest and is very rigid, perfectionist, extremely sensitive, has lots of melt-downs, etc. She's also been suicidal at age 8. But that doesn't mean much to the doctors here. To them it's like she's going through a phase. Anyways, yeah I'm right there with you, sister. I don't want to be a woman who has to do all this crap I don't want to do and it's getting to the point where I can barely force myself to do it anymore. I've had similar talks with my husband about distributing the work. I posted online one day about how I can't do the mom things like other moms - And several people said maybe I have ADHD. So I went to a doctor and got tested for ADHD, but they said I didn't have it. Then I pretty much decided I was just a lazy shit human being. But it's really strange to me that I am slowly losing my capabilities, like I can barely clean, organize, complete my work etc. but I also have lost the ability to drive on the highway. I just can't do it anymore without freaking out. Also my blood pressure is getting high, so yeah, it sucks. But anyways, thank you for sharing your story. It has helped me feel less alone.

[@mariesok4874]

Thank you for making this video. I am also going through this. I was diagnosed with adhd 3 years ago. I also thing I am on the spectrum, but I haven't sot out a diagnosis. Last year I was diagnosed with depression. I honestly think burnout lead me to depression. I quit my job, because I just couldn't any more. Currently, I am resting and try to feel better. It's been really hard, so I am so grateful that you are naming things I have been realizing myself. Thank you!

[@sariahmarier42]

We love and support you. Thank you for being honest and real.

[@mariuszwisla3230]

funny, that i make a similar face when I finish any sentence that could be described as "it is what it is", sort of like to express a dot to that sentence LOL

[@annelewis7531]

I've just seen this but unfortunately I have to go to bed it's 21:45 here in Wales. I'm good to watch this tomorrow morning. ❤

[@TudorositiesbyMaureen]

This is not an easy topic do discuss, thanks for being brave and willing to talk about the difficult topics. Masking is really difficult when you use that as a coping mechanism to deal with expected societal normality. I have loads childhood trauma too that had to be addressed in therapy. My diagnosis was anxiety, depression, and PTSD at this point. The psychiatrist that I am seeing does not diagnose ADHD or autism in her setting. So that is something that I am further exploring as an adult so I can have accommodations as needed for my job. I had jobs but yeah learned all the things and got bored. So I had one job for 5 years was the longest til my current one at 8 years.

[@lotski9116]

Thank you for sharing your story, so much of it resonates. I have been recovering from a huge burnout for three-and-a-half years now. The first 18 months were the worst. And it is not my first one either. Chronic fatigue has been a general sympton throughout my life. The frustration of people not understanding on top of everything. Indeed your nerve system and hormonal system are completely out of wack when you burn out. You get advice that might be helpfull with a depression or normal fatigue but do not necessarily work for the burned out body. I have the ADD diagnose but strongly suspect autism as well. I am just starting my journey concerning autism-although it had crossed my mind a couple of times throughout my life- but oh my gosh the stories of all the women that have this combination! We are of course unique individuals but also: their life is my life! Except for the part where they had children. There was a moment in time where I thought I wanted them, but when I finally ended up in a stable enough relationship five years ago (at 37) that came with a stepson every other long weekend I decided: I will never have the energy for it. I might even die. I am struggling enough as it is. This made me sad for a time but I am very okay with it now. People tried: “but it is different when they are your own kids (you really should have one!).” But when I see friends -typical and atypical- struggle with their little miracles I feel less and less regrets. When I ask them “How do you manage?” The answer often comes down to: “I don’t.” I am NOT saying neurodiverse person = not capable parent. The neurodiverse people I know love and care for their kids very much but they seem to pay a high price for it with their own health. Maybe they even feel more pressure to do right by their kids? I don’t know I am speculating here. What frustrates me is that high pressure-society isn’t exactly supportive and understanding when it comes to raising humans (complex and diverse creatures) in general but the message I get is that making more of them seems like a very normal and good idea. And when women (like me) choose to sit this one out they are being told that they are missing out on all the fun and/or are being accused of being selfish. I have felt guilt about enjoying all the me-time I claim for myself. I also have felt I don’t have the right to be burned out because I don’t have any kids. But I am getting off topic. Thank you again for your vulnerability and bravery to share. And for mentioning the RAGE, I feel you. I feel a lot of hindsight rage from the angry inner child that never got to express herself. Let’s hope the diversity of shared stories will enter the collective consciousness and someday help motivate the hive to transform society into a more emphatic and inclusive space.

[@almostahippie]

sending virtual hugs.

[@charischannah]

I was diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago, at age 35. My spouse has ADHD as well, but he was diagnosed as a kid and got on medication that worked well for him a number of years ago (though not soon enough for it to help with school or uni since his parents didn't want to go the meds route when he was a kid). I've tried managing with coping skills and working with my therapist after the diagnosis, but it's not enough and this year has felt extremely overwhelming, as though half of my coping skills fell apart once I got diagnosed because I stopped masking internally. I'm in the middle of what I call "medication roulette" where my doctor has me trying out medications to see what might work. Pretty sure we've ruled out Ritalin as an option, but I'm not sure if the next one will be another stimulant or one of the non-stimulant options.

[@dsathreads]

I actually started the lowest dose of guanfacine and it’s helping a little

[@brooke_reiverrose2949]

Oh! I forgot to mention: your breakdowns that were probably meltdowns (about 12:43) may be something called autistic "shutdowns." They are like meltdowns but quieter on the outside. Some people describe them as kind of like a temporary burnout, others like a meltdown, but as an implosion rather than an explosion.

[@dsathreads]

I have those too. That’s not what they were. There are many many responses and they are all hard.

[@dsathreads]

Like you are totally correct, I just tend to go above the window of tolerance into overactive vs below it. Then exhaustion afterwards. Meltdowns can also be more internal due to masking, and there are many ways people react to overstimulation that goes into trauma response. I do think we tend to think there is only one way to have meltdown or a crash and that’s not true, after unmasking I’ve witnessed many many ways my body handles it.

[@brooke_reiverrose2949]

Totally cool and everyone is valid! that's why I said "may be". It sounds a lot like what you are calling breakdowns are what I call shutdowns. I experience shutdowns as like a meltdown but masked. Like I turn it internally, they are much worse than the outward expression of them because they are harder on my psyche and are done when it is not safe to meltdown outwardly. I also experience autistic catatonia which is a whole other thing! Neither of these are responses to going below my window of tolerance. I'm not even sure what that means, to be honest.@@dsathreads

[@wurlitsyzer9810]

thank you for sharing

[@sarahmwalsh]

This is such a vulnerable video and I know that this will reach people who will be so grateful to hear that they're not alone. I received my diagnosis of ADHD two years ago at age 39, and while it explained so much and gave me a sense of relief, I also just kind of wallowed for a bit in this feeling of...what if?? What if the possibility of girls having ADHD hadn't been completely dismissed when I was a kid? My grades were fine, but there were a lot of sleepless nights and re-reading paragraphs ten times because I didn't actually take in what I was reading. What if I'd been able to get extensions on deadlines without penalty?? My grades would have been stellar.

[@dsathreads]

Grieving the self we thought we could have been is a big part of the process, for sure.

[@theedgeofoblivious]

I eat 10mg edibles about twice a week, and it helps me a lot.

[@TheRawChuck]

I have to know what headphones you're wearing in this video.

[@dsathreads]

They are Bose quiet comfort. I wear them every day most of the time.

[@TheRawChuck]

@@dsathreads Thank you.

[@inikainika1523]

Sony XM4 are better. Don't bother with the XM5. I sleep in mine.

[@tomsale5142]

So how didnthe pain go had fybromyalgia symptoms 6 years everyday sure itsautism burnout niw diagnosed do you have hypomobility heds

[@dsathreads]

For me it was the trauma releasing from the body. I would have random twitching in places and more tension than pain. I carry a lot of it in my back. I do know others who have had constant pain during burnout but I don’t know what they are doing about it. Not diagnosed with hEDS but probably.

[@tomsale5142]

@@dsathreads so hard to get it in remission started the muscle.pain did after.my other half diagnosed breast cancer touch wood ok now though had CFS symptoms prior.and just lost my mum to severe ms heds asperger's albeit nwe only found out last year we have autism my son's now diagnosed to

[@tomsale5142]

@@dsathreads do you no.anyone who has got better even Florence.nightingale had it on believe

[@tomsale5142]

Un burnout did you have muscle pain everyday

[@dsathreads]

No, it wasn't consistent the way chronic pain is. It was related to somatic release. I know many people do face chronic pain issues that arise from burnout or the masking prior to burnout.

[@tomsale5142]

@@dsathreads thankyou trying to find information of folks with similar symptoms from burnout irnthe older.name.neurosthenia hoping to recover awaiting to try ADHD meds but can't until April do to shortage hope they suit me with the asperger's do you no anyone personally with burnout pain symptoms

[@ibrahimalharbi3358]

It is hard to be weak among culture don't care about people! "O My servants, I have forbidden oppression for Myself and have made it forbidden amongst you, so do not oppress one another. O My servants, all of you are astray except for those I have guided, so seek guidance of Me and I shall guide you, O My servants, all of you are hungry except for those I have fed, so seek food of Me and I shall feed you. O My servants, all of you are naked except for those I have clothed, so seek clothing of Me and I shall clothe you. O My servants, you sin by night and by day, and I forgive all sins, so seek forgiveness of Me and I shall forgive you. O My servants, you will not attain harming Me so as to harm Me, and will not attain benefitting Me so as to benefit Me. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to be as pious as the most pious heart of any one man of you, that would not increase My kingdom in anything. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to be as wicked as the most wicked heart of any one man of you, that would not decrease My kingdom in anything. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to rise up in one place and make a request of Me, and were I to give everyone what he requested, that would not decrease what I have, any more that a needle decreases the sea if put into it. O My servants, it is but your deeds that I reckon up for you and then recompense you for, so let him who finds good, praise Allah, and let him who finds other than that, blame no one but himself."