My Dad Died...

[@doddleoddle]

I love you Evan. Now you're surrounded by love. And care. It's okay to feel guilt, shame, hurt, sadness. I'm here to hear it and experience it with you

[@doddleoddle]

And you protected yourself. You may experience guilt but you did what you had to in order to be happy.

[@belles180901]

doddleoddle couldn't have said it better

[@katieharrietmedia]

this says it perfectly! always put yourself first Evan, we love you

[@skylarkwhy]

doddleoddle You summed it up quite nicely.

[@notinuse147]

Well said ! I felt guilt when my hamster died cause she was only alive for 11 months and i felt like it was all my fault and i was so upset but i realised there was no point in being sad because im sure the one who passed away would want you to celerbrate there life and stay positive and not just cry about it ! x

[@EchoGillette]

I understand the whole "it just felt weird" thing so much. My mom died on my first week of high school and when my sister woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me, I just went back to sleep. I remember getting mad because everyone had the lights on and they were being loud on a school night while writing her death certificate. I got up the next morning and went to school. That was the one year I had perfect attendance. She was my "good example of what NOT to be." and it's so easy to block out the few good memories of her I have. I even use to get mad at her for giving up and not fighting to stay alive. It made me feel like my sister and I weren't worth fighting for. But now that I'm older, I think I understand why her life played out the way it did, and I can't be mad at her for that. I hope everything gets better. Thank you for making this.

[@jerseymcguire2528]

Echo Gillette omg ECHO I LOVE YOU what amazing advice your such a nice person

[@oliviagenockey1611]

Awe love you Echo

[@thatrllybuttersmyeggroll5128]

Echo Gillette ECHO! YOU obviously can relate to this...and I really hope that wasn't offensive. I LOVE YOU

[@scronch_]

Gerard Way's Hat OMG UR NAME

[@chocolatethunder6708]

❤

[@lucymoon]

Proud of you

[@hibaada376]

+Lucy Moon 🤔

[@sophielang3195]

Lucy Moon cute

[@FridaAune]

**sending hugs**

[@masoncrain8910]

frida *Sendings hugs* “it’s ok”

[@cvspvr]

**sending pugs too**

[@angryblobfish570]

I gave you 666 likes

[@adin3250]

Same

[@parkviewmo]

I am one of you old lady followers--okay really old, like 65. I think you are such an interesting, admirable and adventurous guy! So, I am going to finally post. Here is what I think. Forgive your dad and FORGIVE YOURSELF! Go ahead and let yourself be sad--you lost your dad and you lost what might have been . But sweetheart, it was and is okay to protect yourself. Relationships with parents don't end when they die. You will still work this one out. Meantime, you might consider what role having a difficult dad played in making you adventurous, curious, and independent. Here's another hug, and be kind to yourself!

[@UlfMonet]

I wholeheartedly agree with this comment!

[@jonathanstopmockingmyname6336]

parkviewmo You are an amazing person too!!

[@briannalanzen3749]

+

[@unexpecteditemintheyoutube7211]

This comment is so lovely

[@lilianyeung]

+ @parkviewmo i think you should start a youtube channel too! would be lovely to hear advices from you.

[@Carrie]

Oh Evan. I'm sobbing. I know sympathy is probably what you're currently getting a lot of and there's nothing I can say that everyone else hasn't already said. But even though we don't really know each other that well, please know that I'm here. I'm always just a Facebook message away if ever you need a friendly, meaningless chat or a deep and meaningful one. You have plenty of friends whom I'm sure have offered a shoulder but I just wanted you to know, mine is another one.

[@caitnee6863]

ItsWayPastMyBedTime You're so kind...

[@naddybear1236]

ItsWayPastMyBedTime you and Evan are amazing people and I love you both

[@raluprodan]

ItsWayPastMyBedTime carrie you're the bestt

[@cryw4nks488]

ItsWayPastMyBedTime How are you so kind??

[@lizzyfedie5379]

Carrie, you always know what to say to make people feel better!❤

[@jennalynna]

when you said don't be me please..i burst into tears. the fact that you're asking people to not be like you breaks my heart, evan you're such a fun guy. you're positive. i care about you, and i'm sorry you lost your dad. i'm sorry he was never there, i'm sorry you didn't get to see him change. you deserve to see him change. more than anyone. i love you, be strong

[@meatsquish]

i couldn't have said it any better myself

[@jayali512]

+my name's blurryface me too

[@Rin_Evans]

same

[@JetsIn4K]

jennimoo I did the same thing

[@niaoktavianiful]

i really want to hug him

[@lolaebury7057]

I wish I could just crawl through the screen and just hug Evan. Stay strong dude, your amazing and you can get through this

[@Azeriiall]

Imagine just a random person climbing out of your camera and hug you. *trying to lighten the mood*

[@blep4933]

"Don't be me." You're such a beautiful man, Evan, we as humans all make mistakes, so many people love you, I'm giving a massive virtual hug right now, I love you and be strong, because we all know how strong you can be xx

[@ItsRoseForYou]

Nina's World I thought he said "don't be mean" (I can imagine some people lashing out at him for the decisions he discussed in this video). Now I'm not sure anymore which one he says... :s

[@isabeljoana8838]

ItsRoseForYou I'm pretty sure he said 'don't be me', to not make his mistakes and take the chance to make up with our parents when they're alive because the chance to do that could be taken from you every second

[@sunnyokapi]

Why are you here and why are you commenting?

[@amiablehacker]

Paul Olsen That's... such a ridiculous waste of time.😕

[@beefedcake666]

Paul Olsen dude, that's fucking heartless

[@leanamcnew1510]

My mom passed away almost 4 weeks ago and I'm 16. My dad got taken away when I was 9. My dog died 11 days before my mom did. I could never make a video like this so I can't even imagine how hard it was for you. It's been so difficult for me the past weeks.

[@angelitapaksamay8459]

I can't imagine how you're feeling right now but remember that it's okay to be sad and feel the way you do. You don't know me and I don't know you but I'm sending you all my love right now.

[@donaldstanfield8862]

Leana Warren Brave of you to reach out and share, it broke my heart, but send you my love as well.

[@cl4za]

Leana Warren I can't imagine how you're feeling. I hope you're doing okay and have people who love you and you love them. And hope you have support. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ I want to hug you.

[@rebeccaemery80]

What a brave human you are. It's unimaginable what you're going through, you're an inspiration to everyone, sending you all my love and hugs 💗💗

[@zantel.z1483]

Leana Warren lol

[@ClaraHammerby]

this video is probably one of the most important videos, i have ever seen on youtube

[@superlioncharlie6196]

Have you watched its been a year daddy

[@meemz-l7u]

"Instead of using the word 'regret', use the term 'I made the best decision I could given the circumstances I'd been given at that particular time." -Jenna Marbles. Hope everything's going okay❤️

[@Alucard-gt1zf]

Mindy Larke and that’s why we don’t ask Jenna for quotes

[@girlidkwhattoputhere.]

@@Alucard-gt1zf 😐

[@DilHowltermemes]

"dont be me...please" i want to hug you

[@small_and_dangerous2068]

Dil Howlter he said "don't be me"

[@Mia-zx7nn]

+small_and_dangerous that's even worse...

[@lilyverebess]

Dil Howlter he said dont be me

[@maddieh2489]

DIL UGH IM DYING

[@maddieh2489]

and also he did say dont be me please.

[@logan-dv1ez]

I think I'm going to call my mum in the morning. Try and fix things

[@matildawicks3047]

Please do it! xxx

[@sadiewilson4877]

Please do !!

[@teresadridge8255]

Logan Day please do. she'd probably appreciate it. xx

[@jakjak787]

Logan Day please do! All the best, hope you can sort any issues :)

[@chippy5942]

Logan Day JUST DO IT DON'T LET YOUR DREAMS BE DREAMS

[@elizabethorla3700]

I'll admit I have a good family. My dad earns alot of money,my mum also earns alot,my brother is a straight A* student and my other brother is straight A's. My parents are very traditional. They want me to have good grades. They constantly compare me to my brother. They always seem to want me to be smart. I got diagnosed with anxiety about a month ago. My parents refuse to accept the fact that I'm not okay. They constantly tell me how it's just a phase,or that I'm just being a teenager. But after watching this,I'm going to start appreciating them more. I am going to start remembering that they just want what's best for me. No matter how upset or angry they make me,they are my parents and I'm going to be a better daughter 2 YEARS LATER 2 years later and my life has completely changed. anxiety and emoness was a phase, i’m doing well in school and my dad now has brain cancer. fuck

[@donaldstanfield8862]

Orlaisawkward {Dan and Phil Trash} You will sort it out, even ppl who seem perfect have issues, everyone does, so just make sure you all communicate and know how much you value each other.

[@StaceyDougal]

Orlaisawkward {Dan and Phil Trash} Hey, I know it sucks having your parents feel that way, and I'm sorry. I just wanted to say something someone once told me - it's likely they don't know how to accept it. Anxiety is impossible to understand unless you've experienced it, and as your parents... Maybe part of them denies it because accepting it makes them feel like they're failing you somehow. Of course they only want what's best for you, but that doesn't mean they should dismiss your mental health. It's just as important as your physical health, and far more important than good grades. Maybe try to find a way to help them understand what anxiety is and how it's affecting you so they can maybe help, and reassure them it's not their fault. Take care, x

[@mollscadman]

Orlaisawkward {Dan and Phil Trash} YES you do that. Dont give in however much you feel they don't understand you.

[@FruitJellyBubbles]

Orlaisawkward {Dan and Phil Trash} don't let the diagnosis define you, i was diagnosed too (and took 4 different meds) but i learned to do whatever i was afraid to do and suck it up

[@FruitJellyBubbles]

Orlaisawkward {Dan and Phil Trash} don't be like "oh my anxiety oh i cant do this i have a mental illness" you have to suck it up my man

[@katiemarie5725]

Let him mourn. Don't judge him for regretting not speaking to his father, for cutting out an abuser and then regretting it, like. You need to chill. You're a strong person Evan, and this was a powerful video. My thoughts are with you.

[@funnyname9679]

Katie Marie These are ideas have been provided by your own head! At no point, at least from understanding, is there a comment like that on this video. Don't protect something that doesn't need protecting set heart on something that it :) Edit: My first language is english, I have no idea why I couldn't write properly. What I meant was that, from what I could see, no one in the comments was judging him. Katie was fighting back at something that didn't exist.

[@dickieOiRed_07]

@@funnyname9679 If you're referring to Katie Marie's mention of Evan's father being an abuser... from what Evan said in his video... his father was abusive. There are clear indicators to suggest this was the case. Emotional and psychological abuse is as real and as harmful as physical abuse.

[@funnyname9679]

@@dickieOiRed_07 I edited my comment, for some reason I couldn't type properly that day lol.

[@dickieOiRed_07]

@@funnyname9679 I see. We all have those days lol :)

[@lancerussell7482]

@@dickieOiRed_07 no one cares that his dad died

[@bk2bizzyyyy]

I am sorry to hear this Evan. I have been watching you for 2 years and feel for you. I hope you feel better. You should take a KZbin break and have a little time to yourself

[@brianlinville439]

I agree Evan take break if you need to. However your very smart, and working this all out already. Everyone on this planet has a story, lifes one big learning school and practice round, the real you is soul, and that's pure energy and goes on and on. Tip: listen to all the philosopher Alan Watts you can, and 2 youtube channels, "Journey of Purpose" and one called "Tradegy and Hope" super inspirational and helpful with what your goin' thru, my dad has terminal brain cancer but I know in the long run its going to be ok, we have eternity together ,the tough things being a part for a few yrs, but eternity wise? that's blink of an eye.

[@nicholasalexander3382]

YourDoctorFallen yeah

[@Elisa98438]

Hey. Don't have any regrets. Ok? You lived your life how you needed to. You didn't want to get hurt again. Understand why you cut him out and don't play the what if game. I'm sorry for your loss

[@doddleoddle]

elisag27

[@niacooper6048]

+

[@georgie3593]

elisag27 I agree

+

[@elenafreck9250]

+

[@onarionaa8359]

Evan, please please please don't say "don't be me." when you said that at the end, i couldn't believe what i was hearing. you are so exceedingly, uniquely witty and intelligent and kind and such a big-hearted person. you are a huge inspiration and i am always so excited to watch your videos. "don't be me?" EVAN EDINGER, I truly can't think of a better person to be. I'd kill to have a friend like you. your reaction to your dad's death is completely understandable and normal. i know that sounds so clinical and empty-vacuum, but you cannot have expected yourself to feel positively towards someone who was so angry all the time because your dad FRIGHTENED you. he, for some reason, wanted to scare his kids, because he felt out of control of his own life, and as a kid you were an easy target. you can't have expected yourself to forgive that. please, let me repeat, YOU CAN'T HAVE EXPECTED YOURSELF TO FORGIVE A SCARY PERSON WHO USED FEAR TO CONTROL YOU. please don't try and force yourself to do that. my relationship with my dad is kind of similar in a way? he molested me when I was little but we're quite close. I didn't realize how much it had actually affected me until I started having sex with my first boyfriend and was shaking uncontrollably and had a panic attack. when I was sexually assaulted my dad, as much as I really do love him, had the nerve to say "first and last time this happens to you." I had to hang up the phone and I have never been angrier in all my life. I questioned, do I love him? Can you love someone like that - are they even capable of it? and then, sorry for the sidebar, but this part is important for you to know: i realized, I'M NOT THE ONE WHO SHOULD HAVE TO BE ASKING MYSELF THESE QUESTIONS. it's not on me. why should we, the kids, the sons and daughters, put ourselves through this undeserved emotional cycling and recycling and asking ourselves these questions? unfortunately, they aren't answerable. it's harder to find peace without those easy answers, without the beautiful relieving denouement of "I'm sorry," "I'm sorry too." but if your dad WASN'T sorry, what then? there is really nothing you could have done to change that person...you mourn the person he COULD have been, the relationship you SHOULD have had. but that was not ever possible. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but there are so many people who love you so so much and want to give you big giant hugs right now, I hope you have been getting tons and tons of them. those are the people you know love you and you love them, and as you say, TRUST. they are your family. the people who don't try to change, hurt, or gaslight you, or use you as a bargaining chip, or whatever. these are the people who are in with you for the long haul. we are there to hold your hand and make you remember how brave, an wonderful, and deserving you are. love you, Evan.

[@kyoxtohru112]

Wait. Were you close at the time and now you're not. Are you close now and how did that come to be? I'm sorry for prodding but you're, "he molested me when I was little but we're quite close," confused me a bit to where you two stand now not know if the closeness was meant for the past or the present.

[@joshuahendrickson6549]

I think he meant do not block out for parents and who loves you and you think you don't love because you will regret it when it is too late.

[@huutiainen9393]

if you have toxic parents who are not doing anything to make the relationship healthier there literally is nothing you can do to make the relationship work just on your own. i tried this for years with both of my parents and i just ended up almost killing myself. i'm so glad im better now, know my boundaries better now, have better respect for myself and realized that my parents dont deserve me in their life. the line "but they are you parents/family" is absolute bs. in the end toxic people are toxic people and sometimes they are your parents/family

[@kierae9078]

I agree with his end message tbh

[@klarakeuroeaton5737]

this was so nice I hope he looks at this

[@quasimeowdo]

Please don't say "don't be me". Say "learn from me". Remember, humans are people and people are flawed.

[@erinocelotl3578]

is that what he said? I though he said don't be mean...

[@GX2re]

I don't give a damn

[@user-hn3du4mk5h]

I think I found my favourite quote 👍🏽

[@DoufWag1000]

Please just face reality and stop being a dick.

[@davestauffer8672]

Wow. So sorry bro. So sorry for your loss. This video is intense. Hang tuff.

[@evan]

+Dave Stauffer thanks x

[@jasonwayne3921]

#anythingforviews

[@emilycav5831]

Jason Wayne Fuck you

[@puretrimble8113]

Jason Wayne You're not fucking funny. Evan's dad _actually_ fucking died, just stfu and leave him alone, he's going through enough.

[@jasonwayne3921]

using his dads death to try and increase the amount of views he gets is pathetic

[@emilylivingstone8968]

Well this made me cry.

[@emilylivingstone8968]

And has made me realise a lot.

[@MrKarinak145]

This broke my heart to see you this way but words won't fix it, stay positive my lil punshine

[@graceaitkenxo7901]

Karina Kinsey Aww 'my lil punshine'

[@louthecat8927]

Karina Kinsey awwweeee

[@flowergardener7799]

awwww this made me smile after crying, thank you for making me smile :) and I hope this makes Evan smile too 'cause I think what's happening to him is very hard to cope with

[@216cheri1]

So sorry for your loss, please accept my condolences. it sounds like your dad may have been bi-polar.don't blame yourself, hindsight is 20-20. treasure the good memories and try to get past the negative feelings you may have had. humans don't come with instructions, we just try to do the best we can. I'd like to tell you it gets easier; it just gets one day further away.

[@evan]

Thank you

[@dorak.1375]

+Evan Edinger you make me cry

[@dorak.1375]

+Evan Edinger am so sorry

[@watchinglistening2667]

Thanks for putting this out there.

[@loveydovey5545]

Cheryl Claussen same

[@Sabrina-sc1db]

Ooh, Evan, I'm so sorry :( I send you many hugs and love ❤

[@Sabrina-sc1db]

THE ENDING BROKE MY HEART, I WANT TO HUG HIM AND TELL HIM EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY 😭😭😭

[@kitdaniel9186]

Sab me too

[@Rainbowrobb]

This is the most sincere video on youtube. I understand this far too well. :-(

[@taursula]

this is definitely the only "crying on camera" video ive seen that is, quite clearly, not for clickbait/views. hes so sincere and has an actual message at the end- i love this video.

[@freyaaah6945]

I'm not even bluffing when I say this is the fastest I've ever clicked a video once it's popped up in my notifications. I am so so sorry Evan and I know there's nothing I can say to really help. I love you Evan, and I'm sure he did too.

[@eviec7303]

wutsername_ same

[@kjerstihaaland1286]

this may be a bad time but your profile pic made me smile after this video

[@eviec7303]

^same

[@edwardrecord5305]

wutsername_ literally did the same.

[@mayorofsimpleton5674]

I'm so sorry Evan, I know it's hard, I can relate. When my dad and mum broke up I was mostly happy, but every time I had been at my dad's house, me and my sister cried and told mum all the things he had done. Since I stopped seeing him, I too have put him in that box even though we have had some really good and happy memories too. Even though all this misery, he is my dad, and always will be. This makes it really hard for me to be mad at him, especially as he always found a way to blame us for all the bad things he'd done. Though I can't expect you to, I really hope you'll make peace with this without blaming yourself in any way. Just know, you're never alone. We love you Evan, and sooo many people do. It really hurts to see you this sad, but it's good to get out your emotions, and just talk about it. Hope you feel better soon, love from Sweden/England:))❤️❤️❤️

[@safebox1850]

family isn't always blood

[@flufthepuff6191]

SafeBox family don't end in blood boy

[@misssoso5859]

True, but dismissing the importance of blood relations is foolish

[@caliecat8275]

sara ali not always. I was both physically and mentally abused by my entire family other than my parents. My best friend has been mentally abused by most of her family. Sometimes it’s better to cut certain relationships out of your life even if they are blood relations. Sometimes you regret it like Evan did but sometimes they can save your life. I have tried not putting my family in a box but because of how they have treated me my whole life it’s healthier for me to pretend we aren’t related. They caused me to have suicidal(sorry about the spelling)by the time I was 9. I have countless mental and physical scars from my family and as I got older I realized they aren’t my real family. Sometimes your real family isn’t related to you through blood.

[@mollymermaid1398]

How come there are sooo many long, thoughtful comments from friends, fans and family, but this one little sentence impacted me just as much?

[@magiv4205]

@@mollymermaid1398 "A wise man once told me family don’t end in blood, but it doesn’t start there either. Family cares about you, not what you can do for them. Family’s there through the good, bad, all of it. They got your back even when it hurts. That’s family."

[@sanjana6342]

Aw Evan, I'm so sorry, I hope you start feeling at least a little better soon

[@sanjana6342]

RIP

[@SomeGuyCalledJack]

Dude this broke me, completely :( My dad has been battling cancer and we recently found out he has months left, not years like we initially thought. I'm terrified of how I'm gonna get by without him, but lately his treatment has been making him irritable, he snaps at me and my family, he gets angry easily and isn't pleasant to be around, so I've been avoiding him. I feel so sorry for what you must be going through right now, but I also wanna say thankyou for this video. It has helped me realise that if I keep avoiding him, I'll regret it so much when he's gone. I can't stress enough how much I needed to see this video. Thanks Evan, and I know you probably won't even see this among the seven and a half thousand comments you have, but if you do, just know that you have hundreds of thousands of people who love you and care about you. Not just friends, but strangers from across the world, people you've never met are thinking about you and want to be there for you. That's an amazing thing, stay strong buddy. We're all here if you need us.

[@lipase90]

my mom is a cancer survivor, i hope your dad lives the life that he has left happy and in no pain. sorry to hear that he's suffering.

[@SomeGuyCalledJack]

Ethan Hal Thanks a lot. It's nice to see that there are people online who would say nice things to a stranger, as opposed to the trolls who you see quite often. Tbh I kinda wanna share the whole experience that we've been going through in a video, to hope that it might be able to help someone else, but I don't know that I could talk about it without breaking down, and I also don't know how my family would feel about sharing something so personal in a public space online

[@natisinvisible]

I lost my dad to cancer when I was very young. I'm wishing you all the best. Stay strong.

[@SomeGuyCalledJack]

Thanks. We are all trying to stay strong and positive but it's hard sometimes. As you'll understand.

[@LJOFive]

+Jack's World stay strong kid

[@oneboredjeu]

All love to you. Hope you begin to heal soon

[@samsonscd]

oneboredjeu Mashup +

[@pondilocks]

Seeing you cry was so heart breaking, Evan I know this was a while back ago. But I'm glad you talked about this :) I hope you're feeling better now

[@rawrsophiex]

Biiiiig hug :(

[@rawrsophiex]

seeing you cry breaks my heart

[@gabriellafatica9849]

Sophie W I thought the exact same thing xx

[@eddiegender]

Sophie W Same

[@inas401]

I started crying, because my father was the same and I used to tell my mother the same thing. I'm sorry that you had to go trough it, I know it must feel horrible

[@Elisa98438]

Devil's Advocate same

[@sarahbautista7893]

Devil's Advocate me too.

[@elena-xj4uk]

I feel this so much. Sending love your way 💜💜

[@elena-xj4uk]

I just called my dad and I think I'm gonna book a flight to go see him. Thank you for this Evan.

[@leebowers5228]

My family is also pretty messed up, I have no idea where my dad is, I haven't seen or heard from him in about 7 years since my granddads funeral, I also don't speak with my mum, she is an alcoholic and the last time I saw her she attacked me when she was drunk, I tried repeatedly with her to have a relationship but he just got drunk and it got destroyed, after the last time I decided that my life is so much more secure and I am happier not having that contact, things are no so black and white, even if you kept trying to have a relationship with your father it doesn't mean things would of been ok, you have those bad memories for a reason, but remember you still have those good memories and you still have people who love you all around you.

[@revatiHappyGoLucky]

Lee Bowers i'm so sorry you had to go through that. hope you're doing better now xx

[@bridgetmills2783]

Lee Bowers I'm so sorry that happened to you. No one should have to go through life like that. I admire your honesty and I'm praying for you. Even if you don't believe theres a God, I'm still praying for you.

[@iDoAirGuitar]

I just want to reach through the screen and give you the biggest hug ever.

[@stardust6106]

iDoAirGuitar same

[@millys4418]

iDoAirGuitar same

[@sophielang3195]

iDoAirGuitar same

[@theartisticlion8546]

same

[@gotem6891]

same, i got really sad when he started crying

[@rachelwanless3756]

I'm so sorry Evan. Best wishes :(( x

[@rachelwanless3756]

Your so strong, he would be so proud of you

[@isabellewalker2620]

I'm so so sorry. Nobody deserves to lose family even if we don't like them all the time ❤️❤️

[@isabellewalker2620]

My family is exactly how yours was right now. I don't really want to see my dad and I've always tried to avoid him. I wish it wasn't like that but I do have good memories with him. The bad memories outweigh the good.

[@perchedphoenix2249]

Isabelle Walker same for me the bad memories are always outweighing the good memories between me and my father

[@hussadaughter]

Isabelle Walker Me too... My dad isn't a nasty person but if there's an opportunity for him to say something bad about my mum to me, he will take it. He's also really demanding and will pester me until I listen... I'm really starting to want to not see my dad as often but I would feel terrible if I was in Evans position right now... it's just a difficult thing 😐

[@TheSofiify]

Isabelle Walker same here but with my mom, even though we have an okay-ish relationship now, it is so so weird to think of her as someone I'm related to because for all of my childhood and teen years I despised that woman for how she behaved and how she treated me. every time I see a mother-daughter-relationship in movies or something I get extremely uncomfortable because only the thought of this love and trust is the most unfamiliar and unthinkable thing.

[@eleanorr7285]

Isabelle Walker so is mine, nice to know im not alone xx

[@kaleemhannan8480]

watching this 3 years later and hearing that "don't be me" just made a tear flow down my face

[@takashi.mizuiro]

K1 Tech same

[@Neerawenxhee]

My mother died last Monday. My prayers go to you and your family. ❤️

[@EmilyBenner28]

all the love to you, sorry to hear. stay strong.

[@jkl799]

Hugs from Minnesota

[@reneeeshel924]

Alleyiaah I'm so sorry for your loss, sending you lots of positivity ! Much love ❤️

[@heyitsgracexxx9074]

Alleyiaah S hope your ok

[@Neerawenxhee]

Emily Benner thank you so much, love

[@GoldenSnitch99]

Rest in Peace to your dad Evan! I lost my dad when I was 1.5 yo and it still makes me cry 16 years later.I know people who yell and are rude to their parents. Even one of my friends wished that her dad was dead. All I want to do is scream and tell them to stop acting like this because when their parents die they will be unable to undo their actions.

[@hi-mx9rb]

Technopelogy I have a friend like that too

[@ros5672]

Technopelogy I'm sorry I understand your point, but please keep in mind that those people could be going through things you can not imagine. No one in on my life, not even my own mother, understood why I acted so angry and hateful towards my father. Only years down the line have all of them realised how terrible he was, because it was easier for me to say I wanted him to die than to trust people with knowing what I was truly going through and say it. Our society often assumes when a kid talks trash about their parents and isolates them they're the problem, that's assuming their parents are as good as yours. This thinking is why I know so many children get abused abused and struggle because no one respected their right to distance.

[@rylandnance]

Technopelogy I lost my dad when I was two. I completely understand this. I hate it when my friends bash there dads or say they don't like them. The worst thing for me is when people use there parents death as an excuse to make people feel bad. But then again that could be there method of copping.

[@swervydervy9177]

Emilie-Rose Schmiele so true

[@GoldenSnitch99]

Emilie-Rose Schmiele I agree with you and I am sorry that you had/have to go through this. But I am talking about the people who complain that their parents won't buy them expensive things that they might not be able to afford.

[@christhomas4739]

It's kinda scary how similar my Dad is to yours. Two days ago I was literally in his van on my phone waiting for him to finish his job. Most of the time he just isn't there for me. Work took over his life...

[@jousims]

Wick Fick don't assume that. you know nothing about their lives. please, if they say their dad is a workaholic, just take their word for it.

[@objectdefiance4027]

most dads today are from the same generation in witch most people from the last generation are the same and now they are changin

[@trucomtipi]

Satoumu Mc I rather have a workaholic dad than an alcoholic dad.

[@tori9912]

You still have time to change that... x Try talking to him maybe?

[@oddreebee]

My dad is like that too. He works all day, and then pretends to know what we did all day, and expects the house to be spotless.

[@ilovebilliejoe35]

I feel like when my dad passes I'll be the same exact way. I know it will hurt because I never really had him in my life, or really felt like he loved me, but when he's gone I definitely will never get that. I understand. And I'm sorry

[@snowy.ethereal]

Hey Evan, it's okay. I understand why you cut him out of your life because he was so inconsistent and angry and he rarely ever showed you any love, and it's okay to have not wanted to see him because you just didn't want to be hurt or scared anymore, so don't regret it okay? You lived your life and made something of yourself, but it's also okay to be sad and hurt and to feel a little guilty. We all love you so so so much, and I am so sorry for your loss. We're all here for you, and you are surrounded by bundles of love. We love you

[@snowy.ethereal]

I'm really mixed on my father right now. I have so many great memories with him, and my parents are still married. However personal things happened in 2012 and they were separated for a few months. My dad still acts quite hostile towards me and we usually argue whenever we're together, and I usually say I hate him, but, in reality I don't. He is my father, and even though he does hurt me sometimes, I know he loves me, and I love him, but I am scared of him. If he ever died I don't know what I'd feel to be honest, I'd probably have the same reaction as you, but I do live with him because I am not capable of moving out my house yet.. So idk..

[@em-yx2ig]

Gosh, I am so sorry. I feel the same way about my father and this opened my eyes

[@duckcluck123]

This video is very eye opening to me, thank you for making it.

[@noshheen]

duckcluck123 I agree and it's also made me cry a huge amount

[@agreenpar]

duckcluck123 me too. It makes me think of my dad, and how I don't talk to him anymore. How I can't bring myself to, it's weird.

[@BlammorSybel]

My parents are alive and physically close but they're like strangers to me. I often think how I'd feel when they die, and I remember: Their absence/death doesn't change who they were. Just cause they're gone doesn't mean they can be what I needed them to be and what they were never able to give me. I'm sorry for you loss.

[@Vicky-hc4su]

I can relate. I am very different from my parents and I know they don't really understand me or my decisions. They don't really understand why I am the way I am, how my brain works, why I react to things the way I do and my personality. I know that must be hard on them because of course you want your child to be like you. And I can only see that once I distance myself from our relationship and try to look at it objectively. My parents don't really show me physical affection, they don't tell me how proud they or of me enough or that they respect my decisions. But I know at the end of the day they do.. I know we have a lot more in common than we think we do and I know that despite they are not the parents I sometimes wish they were, I bet they feel the same way about me sometimes. Just try to find some common ground. I am moving out soon (almost 20) and decided to live with them up until now for financial reasons. I think our relationship will be better after I move out cause then I'll appreciate them more and we won't be together all the time so we'll get sick of each other. I think movingout might be good for the relationship between you and your paretns as well.. just don't rule them out and decide they aren't gonna be part of your life anymore.

[@Azeriiall]

Vicky after what I learned about my mom, I feel like I don’t know my mom at all. I’m uncomfortable around her and she doesn’t even talk to me the time I’m with her (my parents are divorced, I get every other weekend with her). She mostly watches murder mystery shows on her phone and sometimes at night she watches a documentary and goes to sleep. The times she does talk to me is when I’m about to go to sleep or if I’m hungry. Now I’m not uncomfortable with my dad at all, but he’s on his phone a lot and we don’t talk as much as we used to. Now that’s mostly on me because I don’t wanna do the things that he askes me to because I’m on my phone too, so that’s on me, but he’s on his phone so much that when I ask him to do something I want, he barely hears me and I have to repeat myself. It’s just awkward.

[@oliwiaanna4505]

love you, evan. Wish you the best ♥

[@oliwiaanna4505]

The ending hit me so bad. Love you, Evan. I hope you're okay. Remember you'll see great times in life. :♥

[@ciannatrashsquad6339]

Daniel Springer Hey his dad died it's not clickbait if it's true. Plus if he was scripted then who cares? It would probably be hard to have to improv something your so sad about. He has this as a job for the reason people like his "overused jumpcuts" in his videos. Sorry someone wanted to start the video cheery.

[@swee435]

stop assuming his personality before even watching his other videos, and then comment how fake his emotions are. Your comment was not needed

[@evelynvollmer2749]

Daniel Springer maybe you should have a bit of tact and take your 'click bait' anger somewhere else, because this really isn't the place.

[@picklefighter8332]

Daniel Springer If you bothered looking at his other videos before commenting, you would know that those links are copy/pasted into all his video descriptions. Also, you have to be a pretty deplorable person to mock how someone expresses their feelings about the death of a parent. There's nothing exploitive or insincere at all in this video. Get over yourself and be less a piece of shit.

[@n7o7v7a]

I saw the title and instantly started crying. I'm so sorry Evan. I hope you're doing okay xx ❤️

[@jane-kz7wi]

Amazing profile pic

[@user-ws9xo9vj9b]

I want to die TM I started crying at the title too. 😞

[@hibaada376]

Im so srry Evan...my heart skipped a beat when I read the title of this video.

[@hibaada376]

"and i cut him out" ...I'm crying, Evan with time you'll heal.

[@ellieingorleston]

My Nan who I haven’t seen or spoken to in 2 months because of covid 19 died today and I’m in bits, I’m the only grandchild that ever actually bothered with her and visited her at least twice a week and now all of a sudden she is gone and I didn’t get to even say goodbye to her overwhelmed by shock and grief at the moment

[@shroomy2922]

Rest in piece, hope your feeling better :c

[@gaytrip7334]

I'm really sorry, dude. :( You were a great person to go see her and I'm sure she absolutely loved your company. ❤️ You'll get through this. x

[@jackie950]

someone please tell me i'm not the only one crying

[@jamesnicohlas7900]

You're not..

[@royal5824]

filmingfangirl Everyone looses family. Get over it.

[@annie2931]

filmingfangirl you're definitely not, I can barely breathe

[@micaiahwert327]

filmingfangirl I'm crying too

[@rebekahrushing3494]

filmingfangirl me too. you're not the only one.

[@siddy4466]

I haven't seen or heard of my father since I was 6 years old. I'm now 14. I hate him. He was abusive towards me, my siblings and my Mother. One time, when my Mother, Brother and Sisters weren't there, he'd actually attempted to be a "normal" Dad and tried to bond with me (playing games with me) except I was always so scared of him I just cried. He hated it when I cried, and got so mad he took me to the bathroom and tried to drown me. No one heard. No one was there. Do you know why I'm still alive today? He'd got a call from his mistress asking him to go to her place, and left me crying, cold and alone. I was probably about 4-5. That's the reason I'm alive. I meant so little to him. I still maybe love him with the tiniest bit of my heart, because I DO have happy times with him, when he loved me and my family. A year later, when I was in Year 2 my Mum found out about it and we finally kicked him out. I was so ashamed of it that I'd lie about it to everyone up until I was about 9. He tries to contact my Grandmother and such, asking about my other siblings, not once mentioning me. I was the only blemish in his life.

[@siddy4466]

I was the reason he'd lost his wife and his home.

[@areyoumarriedtothemusic5935]

im sorry, i understand how you feel. almost the exact same thing happened with me and my father. im so sorry. stay strong

[@dainty.tricia]

Jimin Oppa it's not your fault, he wasn't being a father. He is the only one responsible for that. You are so amazing, and your story is so intense. You are alive. That's amazing. You are amazing.

[@siddy4466]

+ren the flop +Luna Moon +Tricia Mason Thank you all so much, but I'm not the scared 6 year old I was before, I think I'm stronger :) and Id like to work with kids who share similar stories as me

[@MollieMaeShilston]

And I hope you become stronger and stronger in life as you still have a whole future to think about... keep smiling 😊

[@mihhi]

My comment may be a little different to those that say "don't regret the way you acted". Im not going to say you did everything right: Instead, I'm saying everyone makes mistakes. The very last sentence of your video shows that you realized that you may not have acted right, that you regret it and that you wish that others don't make the same mistake. You deserve so much respect for that. I also want to tell you, you don't have to live in that regret. The past has happened and you can't change that. But you can let this experience change the way you see your relationships with people, and how you act towards people that are close to you. I hope that you grow, become a wiser person and also forgive yourself. You're awesome, Evan.

[@genevievelayfieldg3010]

My dad died when I was 8 that was 6 years ago I miss him everyday

[@alanprelac]

Genevieve Layfieldg im so sorry. 😥

[@genevievelayfieldg3010]

Alan Prelac it's fine I have my friends and family who are there for me ❤️❤️❤️

[@Nini050301]

Same happened to me :/ 6 years ago, a few days before my 9th birthday

[@genevievelayfieldg3010]

Nini050301 it happens 2 months after mine it was his birthday

[@redasjankauskas6754]

Genevieve Layfieldg So sorry for u bro i have mine and thought if he died, what would I do

[@polandbananasBOOKS]

evan, i'm so sorry

[@swordface9888]

"The grey rain curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it."

[@camilacamila6983]

Please can you explain me what youre trying to Say

[@CT--ws5bb]

Camila Paredes I think it's a quote from Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, when one of the characters describes what it's like to die.

[@swordface9888]

Correct! CT-7567 Gandalf to be specific and it continues with: "White shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise."

[@rickki]

I'm so sorry sweety. Sending you all my love ❤️💌📫

[@rickki]

Also some kisses 😙😙😙

[@민윤기-w9z]

"Don't be me, please." Evan please don't say that. We are all here for you, stay strong

[@lizzyreavis7599]

sending so much love and prayers your way Evan I'm so sorry :( please please try not to be too hard on yourself because if he was toxic in your life then you had reason to cut him off and just don't blame yourself for anything please :( on another note this video has actually helped me a lot because i have a bad relationship with my mom and I've completely shut her out of my life even though she's been reaching out to me, I've been debating whether or not talk to her again...in the end i do have happy memories with her and i want to make more, and i think I'm going to give her a chance.

[@matildawicks3047]

Please do it! You can only regret the things you didn't do. xxx

[@sadiewilson4877]

Please do!!

[@pamelaswan6156]

Both my parents use to sexually abuse me when I was little. They would hit me when I wouldn't oblige. They stole my innocence and security, and left me with severe depression and anxiety that I deal with to this day as an adult. When they died I didn't feel happy, but I didn't feel sad either, in fact, I felt nothing. Just another day. Don't feel guilty, it will eat you up. You must forgive yourself. Your dad is in a better place and finally happy. You need to be happy too. You will get another chance to tell him you love him, and even hug him. It's going to be ok. Trust me.

[@letsparchmentitupyo7566]

Pamela Swan 💙

[@elamplough1]

Keep strong Evan and please don't say "don't be me" because you've done nothing wrong. You clearly still love your dad, even if you didn't realize it until now, and he loved you BUT there was still nothing wrong with cutting him out of your life as you grew up. Just as you said in this video, it was your way of protecting yourself. It's healthy to grieve but guilt won't help you through this time and there's no reason to feel guilty.

[@narcissa922]

Bless your heart! I grew up with my dad living with us but he and I were never really close. My dad and I had just started get close and then on October 26, 2013 he passed away. I had talked to him the night before and then the next day he was gone. You did what you had to do to keep your sanity. Some people are toxic and even though you have good memories with your dad, it was probably best that kept your distance. Hold on to those good memories. Hang in there, it does get better with time.

[@kaitlynszwonek]

This made me bawl my eyes out. I really feel for you Evan

[@hi-mx9rb]

KattTheCøøkie Me too :(

[@tinyfox3859]

mee too ;-;

[@hannahhuggans2150]

This was me last year when I found out my dad had passed away. The kind of relationship we had was incredibly similar to yours and I can understand 100% where you are coming from. It's often I cry about him (only when I really think about it all) but I burst into tears watching this because you found a way to tell my story through this painful time. Time doesn't heal, it just helps you to learn to live with it. Really hope you're okay (as much as possible) xxx

[@hannahhuggans2150]

*not often

[@Joker-fh3nk]

ok i will fuckboy

[@regeneratingtimelord4206]

Ugh this is tough, man. and I cant tell you how to feel but also you can't let someone's death make you regret choices you made when they weren't alive. you blocked them out of your life to keep your emotional health safe. that's not wrong. and maybe they changed but maybe they didn't but you were not required to give them another chance just because they were your father. ❤ don't blame yourself. you're allowed to grieve for the kind of father you never had but don't beat yourself up over something that wasn't your fault. it was his choice to be the way he was. ❤ I'm sorry you're dealing with this pain and regret though

[@regeneratingtimelord4206]

when they were alive*

[@johnschaefer483]

Regenerating Timelord if his father was bi-poler he may have not had a choice.

[@graces1486]

im sorry. i know the feeling, it's weird. my grandma only a few months ago left out of the blue and told my family she didn't want to speak with us anymore. she's been abusive and weird for all of our life and we've always put her in the bad box as you would say. but when the news was brought to me i was so surprised at how much i cried at an evil person and how much i didn't want to be with her when she was around. it's weird, it's really fucking weird. and i wish i could've talked to her one last time because now suddenly just like you...she's no longer all that evil. i'll always remember my good times with her. and i don't know if this makes sense or if anyone cares but i feel you and i know it's rough. it's really rough but you can get through it, i promise.

[@antoniacosta6221]

Watching Evan slowly break was possibly the saddest thing I've ever seen. Seeing him crack and holding back tears legit made me cry (and I never cry). Just watching him fall apart- I can't even think straight. I'm so sorry for your loss Evan. I can never truly understand how you feel, but you shouldn't beat yourself up for it. You were protecting yourself, there's no harm in that. Things will get better soon. Just focus on the happy memories you have. It's heartbreaking to see you like this. It truly is. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@kopotty]

I'm at uni and haven't called my parents since i got here. I think i'll call them tomorrow. Thank you Evan.

[@alexdavies4897]

My father died in March, after a cancer battle. My dad was a raging alcoholic who drunk his time away, and I hated him for it. I spent 10 years of my life hating him and only when he got sober, did I start seeing him for who he was. His alcohol use made him have a stroke and collapse right in front of me and it also eventually caused his cancer. I would do anything to go back and not hate him because out of 14 years, I only felt like I knew him for 4. I do miss him and these few months have been hard.

[@alexdavies4897]

He died 3 years sober. I was so proud of him

[@oop6365]

I'm really happy he was able to get over the alcohol. I'm very sorry for your loss though, and it seems like you are pushing through. Well done to you and your father.

[@willwilkins3021]

Searched "my dad died" just looking forsomethingo to relate to. Your quips and counter anecdotes pooled their efforts and managed to make me feel just a bit better. For that you have my thanks. Cheers.

[@valentine7024]

Evan I want to hug you so bad. Here's an internet hug *bone crushing hug* I love you and you take your time

[@valentine7024]

The ending. I'm crying

[@valentine7024]

Okay it seems we're both having a bad time because my girlfriend broke up with me. That's great

[@soleycara3388]

I was already in tears as soon as you started talking about your dad, "don't be mean, please" has just made me a mess xD. I'm SO sorry Evan, I don't really have any negative boxes I've put people in, but I know I never should, thank you, and don't worry, your life is still moving.

[@alisondices]

Soley Cara pretty sure he actually says "don't be me, please" which is honestly even more heartbreaking

[@soleycara3388]

Yeah true :'(

[@mlt6]

omg I can't stop crying. I can relate. Thank you for this Evan it helps a lot. Sending love x

[@patsydf]

Wow, this is my story too, I'm 71 now and my dad was awful, none of us at home were any good, we were all a disappointment to him, he was brutal, cold, verbally violent and finally physically violent to me. Mum was just passive and did as she was told. We all had to be 'grateful'. When he had heart attacks he couldn't understand why I didn't go to see him. Truth is, I felt nothing. Myself and my 6 sibling achieved so much in life too and our parenting skills are so different, lots of love and support which is something none of us ever had.

[@AshtonZee]

My first video of Evan and i love it thank you my friend. I hope to make content with as much substance.

[@ChrisTheScallywag]

Ashton Zee ...:( the emotions!

[@bunnyrabiy9404]

Ashton Zee ashton I love your videos! I'd follow you anywere!

[@Blackwing2040]

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad's passing, God's got your back Evan, he will always be there for you and he will always love you

[@zoecropper3838]

You are literally describing my relationship with my dad apart from my mum and dad are still together (despite all the arguing, crying and hurtful Comments) and tbh I am glad you made this video because maybe I need to remove my dad from that box? When people ask me about my dad I just say he is ignorant, selfish and inconsiderate and yes, you could say he is all of those things but I have good memories with him yet when I 'put him in a box' I forget about those and maybe I need to stop doing that.

[@emilyharrower5964]

Zoe Cropper i think you need to remember all of the good aspects of him. there will obviously have been good times with him so really pay attention to them and make them stick in your memory ❤️

[@chibiyaten15]

literally same here

[@emilylivingstone8968]

Zoe Cropper same situation

[@EmilyMaeChristie]

Also, same situation here.

[@julG333]

Exact same thing here

[@oliverlay545]

I feel like I just want to give him a massive hug

[@StephMonti]

The message you just conveyed was so powerful, thank you. Please keep your chin up and remain positive. Sending lots of positivity your way!

[@magsyliz8906]

Evan. Wow. I'm so sorry. Please know that we are always here for you. This video made me feel so much. Seeing someone who I've looked up to and seen as one of the strongest people upset is eternally hard-hitting. Thank you for always being here for us, but it's our turn now. You can always always always LAN on us. We're not going anywhere.

[@magsyliz8906]

lean**

[@cutemissbubbly]

"But nowadays he's in a different box and I don't think he's leaving that one anytime soon" My heart shattered. I'm so sorry Evan. This was such an insightful and eye opening video, thank you for making it.

[@kalikoveena5206]

I try to watch this video once a year. It always centers me and re-opens my mind. I'm very thankful you've made this video although it is really sad and unfortunate.

[@Leadley]

Oh Evan, I'm so sorry

[@RobertHeslop]

I lost my older sister last year to a heart condition. I found her at dead in her sleep. I tried to revive her with CPR but couldn't. You hit this wall of feel such a 'cocktail' of emotions that even now, I still can't sleep at night, I still expect to talk to her at any moment. I'm sorry for your loss, stay strong, we're all with you

[@thefioretta100]

Robbie Heslop Woah, that's rough. Sorry for your loss

[@RobertHeslop]

Fioretta Applewood Thank you

[@r0sebud119]

Robbie Heslop Sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what it would feel like to lose my older sister... 😨😰

[@BriannaGreco]

stay strong..

[@RobertHeslop]

R0SE BUD Thank you, if i'm honest, it feels like a huge part of my life is missing, I hate it :/

[@sarahholness596]

I'm so sorry this happened, I hope you begin to feel better soon dude xx

[@hinduhillbilly]

I'm so sorry for your loss and the tangle of pain that surrounds it. It's really kind of you to share this with others to try to help them avoid this hurt, when it's clearly difficult for you to express these feelings.

[@molliejohnston7288]

im so, so sorry, evan. everyone's here for you. we love you xx

[@molliejohnston7288]

losing family is so hard, even if you're not close to them or you don't like them for the most part. xx

[@marquisdelafayette9206]

My dad passed away when I was 7. I remember it being so weird because the night before, my mum asked me if I wanted to see him in hospital, but I said no. It wasn't because I didn't want to see him, or couldn't bring myself to be by his hospital bed, it was because this was the first time I saw him as not the usual person I grew up with. My dad had always put up a persona of being strong, but now he wasn't. He had a stroke and was in hospital for a week. The last time I saw him was 14th April 2010, a week later, my mum told me my dad had passed away. But I never cried, to this day I have never cried when talking about my dad, because to me, he was just someone in my life, who I called dad. Not the man who gave me his old gameboy with pokemon red, not the man who taught me about dinosaurs, or even the man who taught me history from when I was 3 which made me one of the best at school. We had a history test one day, I remember rushing home to find he was at work yet again, and soon after I forgot about my grade and never ended up telling him I got 15/15 marks. I never saw him much, and to this day all I remember is him teaching me a few things about history and telling me how to catch a nidoran, not all the times we watched his favourite film, went to Alton towers, saw a lion for the first time at Chester zoo, because that never happened, that was all with my mum, not my dad, which is why I don't cry when I think about him, and probably never will.

[@marquisdelafayette9206]

Sorry it's so long.

[@ArcadianWizard]

+Mr Pug 😐

[@dariomeow]

Mr Pug I feel you. I have the same experience. My dad is still alive but I think I'll not cry when the time comes because,yes is my dad, but he never acted fully like one.

[@marquisdelafayette9206]

It's a weird feeling isn't it.

[@lylachapman9637]

Mr Pug aha your comment made me tear

[@sociallyawkwardsloth6983]

Hey Evan. I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you're able to continue being your happy meme self like your dad would want you to be and like all of us want you to be. Your video made me feel very conflicted. My father also has anger issues and he's a racist sexist homophobic transphobic conservative who would not accept me if I ever came out. I'm still a minor and I live with my parents and honestly I wanted to never have any contact with my father again in my life once I reach 18 and can get myself on my feet so to speak. He's my only major source of external negativity in my life. I've known I wanted to cut him out of my life since I was 8 years old and I have repeatedly told my mom to divorce him. My dad hits me specifically out of my 3 siblings and patronizes me for having my own political beliefs when he expresses his so plainly. When I was 4 and older I vividly remember being told that if I didn't eat neatly and put my napkin in my lap that I would never get a husband. That's what my dad thought was most important for a little girl to think about- the expectations of men. I don't even want to get married and even if I did, it would probably be to a girl. I always dreamed about moving to England, like you did, and who knows, maybe I will, maybe I won't. I think it's almost been a coping mechanism for me- like I can put an ocean between bad memories and hope they go away. I still do want to move to the UK- I enjoy a lot of British culture and it would be a cool experience, and I still want my mom to divorce my dad because she clearly isn't happy with him, and I still want to avoid contact with my father- in an average day I have around 4 one minute conversations with him which mainly consist of him asking if I did all the things I need to do and me telling him to get out of my room. Your video has been very helpful and has given me a lot to think about. I've definitely put my dad into a box and I'm not sure if I even see him as a human anymore because his values contradict mine so plainly and because he's said and done things that I can't forget and maybe that I can't forgive. He made me cry on my birthday last week. Maybe I should try and connect with him more because I've definitely emotionally isolated myself from him but honestly I'm not sure if I can even remember one happy memory with him. I know I've had them. But idk they're just not there in my mind. The only thing I can think of is when I was 5 and he would complain about my mom and then get us candy and tell us not to tell our mom. That's not all too happy though. I've always had to live with my parents arguing and them always fighting for our attention and approval to see who was right. I remember not being able to sleep because my parents were screaming at each other when I was in kindergarten. I'm sick of it honestly and I just want to be done with them. My friends are like my family at this point- they've even been like "I'm your mom now- do your homework!!" Lol. I guess I understand where you're coming from and it must be tough. I think I'll just wait out my 4 more years until I can leave and then I'll figure it out?!? Idk aaaaa!! Anyways thanks for making this video Evan, it must have been really tough and I hope you'll be ok. You've changed my mind a little bit and challenged my perspective so thank you for that and thanks for always being there for us, i hope we can be there for you.

[@sociallyawkwardsloth6983]

Aaaaa sorry for the rant- I just had some thoughts and feelings. This video breaks my heart

[@rachelpearson2463]

Socially Awkward Sloth This was hard to read and I really hope you find contentment whether that's here in the UK or anywhere else in the world :)

[@sociallyawkwardsloth6983]

Rachel The Daily Panda awe thanks! It was hard to write.

[@geko9214]

hey pham

[@sociallyawkwardsloth6983]

the brightest moonbeam yooo!

[@gracewatson7874]

Awww he's such a nice guy I wish I could just go and give him a hug and his videos are amazing

[@stevenbridges]

Evan I'm really sorry to hear this. I hope you're okay.

[@Jobazzle]

This video hit so close to home for me. I'm in such a similar situation with my mom. I think the hardest part about cutting someone out of your life is even if you do regret it, it's been so long and you have no idea how to reverse cutting them out of your life in the first place. At least that's the place I'm at now. Even if I wanted to start speaking to my mom again, I wouldn't know how to do it. I'm so sorry for your loss. But thank you for making this. It's really put things into perspective for me and I just want to thank you for that.

[@shannongreenacre2648]

You've inspired me to reach out to my dad, who I've more recently cut off. Thank you.

[@arunsalwan8558]

My father passed away recently and we never had a sitcom like relationship one would see on tv .very strict and sometimes distant .he was an immigrant who worked very hard and gave my brother and i a lot of opportunities snd showed his love through taking care of us finanvially and paying for professional college .. I will miss him forever and now that im older i understand him much better and after reading the comments i feel very lucky to have had him in my life . Sorry for your loss Evan and it cam be a complicated emotion , u only get one dad

[@ellaashlin4768]

I'm 14 now and my dad hasn't spoken to me in over a year and when I think of that I feel nothing because that's just who dad is now. When him and my mum split I wasn't sure why because we were always so happy but they split on good terms knowing that if they waited any longer hey would hate each other. And that was fine for like a year until he met someone else. Her name is Cristy and she changed him completely. Made him extremely strict and so that he got so mad so much. When we had yo leave the house that we had lived in our whole life to go and buy a house with her, someone who at the time I didn't know very well, I was devastated. I had lived in that house for my whole life and now I had to leave to a farmhouse half an hour away from school and the place I called home. That's when we started to realise that changes, tiny meals that left us hungry, no to, I was their slave. I cleaned the house all day while they were in the devious caring for animals which I died to do. I was crying while cleaning the bathroom once because my dad had just been yelling at me for some reason or another and he yells at me 'shut up and stop that crying, your not Cinderella' and left. He yelled at me all the time for getting things wrong. Then I got kicked out for the first time. She told me not to come back to her house because apparently I dint ever say good ironing to her which I didn't know was compulsory because why should, it be? Apparently I was the one tearing her family apart. So I left and I dint return for a few months and then I did on the condition that I Siam goodbye and hello to her everyday and that u would be on my best behaviour. The thing is, I still can't remember how I had been on my bad behaviour other than defending myself when he would yell at me. Then one day a couple of months after I didn't say goodbye to her and the way out the house accidentally. We got to the bottom of the driveway and dad got a call. It was from her, I was not allowed back into her house. He just said okay, showed no emotion, no nothing. Just told me this and dropped me off at school as though nothing had happened. Later on he dropped all of my things at my mums, this was final. My younger brother still went there but he hates going. It's been a couple years since I stopped going there and just over a year since he last spoke to me which was the day before my birthday last year. I saw him at my grandmothers birthday earlier on this year but he pretended that I dint even exist, not even a hi. I always think I'll get sad when I tell this story but when I do I'm not. I just don't care anymore. She hated me since day one and now he's married her, an event in which occurred after I had been kicked out, and they want kids. But that's just dad, I dont know what I'd feel if he died but it's clear he has no intention of getting back on good terms. Sorry this got long.

[@guysitshope4437]

Hey:) It wasnt to long :) Im so sorry about that! ik how u feel! Just because he is your father does not make him your dad.Xxx. At least you have good taste in youtubers. :)

[@raychelchinsolo2754]

It's only me best of luck to you :)

[@miabarrell1232]

It's only me xxxxx

[@stillnessintime]

I relate to this somewhat. (I'm 16) I was very close to my dad, and we had a fantastic relationship. He had broken up with my mum (well, cheated on her...) when I was 1, so I don't miss him being with my mum or anything. But we were super close. I could be myself with him. Unfortunately when I was 9 a load of bad things happened, and one of them was him breaking up with his girlfriend at the time (again, cheated on her...) and got a new one called Amy. Like you with Cristy, she changed him totally. Luckily for me, he never became strict. But I was scared to be myself around him, because of the comments Amy would make. She would have a go at me when I did virtually anything, and I felt frozen. My dad tried to be himself behind her back, but it didn't work that well and I could no longer be myself with my dad. It's been 7 years since and our relationship has gotten better and worse. Amy's been a bit better, but not really. It's funny you mention this as well, as my dad hadn't texted me in 3 months, but he texted me today! (He did the usual and made loads of excuses lmao) Your story is so much worse than mine though, and I can't begin to think about how much you must struggle. Hope things get better soon sweet

[@mollyb7367]

I'm the same as you, I don't know what it is like for a father to die, but I dealt with my own blood abusive father and then my stepdad who also later turned into an abusive relationship. I now have no idea where my real father is and I don't know what has happened to him. My sisters dad is different I have to hide what he did, my family apart from my mother know what he did to me.

[@Linkkari]

I'm so, so sorry to hear that Evan. My father... He is like your father was. Angry, shoved people away from him. After he and my mom divorced we just didn't contact each other, mostly because of his work when I was a kid. Career was and still is in his top priority. We didn't see each other in several years. He called on Christmas, sent me and my sister gifts and tried to remember our birthdays, at least. He didn't know about us or about our lives for a long time, and didn't remember things that we told him.. Nowdays, we see each other about once a month, he remembers things about my life and sometimes calls to check up on me. I can see that he really tries to keep us in his life, but there is still that hurt, small kid in me who was scared of her father. But I want to try to keep him in my life, and keep things as good as possible. You reminded me how fragile humans are. And the tought of my father being suddenly dead, made me cry. I wish all the best for you. You can grieve in your own way, and thank you for sharing your story. Love from Finland.

[@AnnaDeeDee]

+

[@samsonscd]

Linkkari +

[@georginamai4674]

My dad was an alcoholic and a liar. He stole £52, 000 from MY future savings (I'm 14) and God knows how much from my mum and two sisters (aged 9 an 10). Every single day for as long as I could remember he would be screaming at me, my sisters (even when they were just babies/toddlers) for the simplest of things like accidently spilling a drink. I even remember one time, when I was about 8 or 9, he had his hand behind my neck and he was violently hitting my head against the bathroom floor because I refused to count to 10 (I had an argument with my sister, got angry and my dad said to count to ten to calm down). Every night I would remember trying to sleep at the sound of my parents arguing until morning. Apart from on Friday nights. On Friday nights my mum would be working late and coming home at 3:00am to have a couple of hours sleep before waking up to take me and my sisters to school. Every one of these friday nights my dad would be drinking 5 litre bottles of strongbow beer and playing some stupid army computer game when he should have been taking care of his three children, two of which were still babies at one point. One Saturday morning when I was 7 I remember waking up to find my dather not in the house and there were large blood stains at the boottom of the stairs. I found out that he was in the hospital because he had fallen down the stairs. I also found out that he drank so much that night, he was 3 times over the limit the law say a man should drink in a week. 3 times over the limit when he was babysitting his 3 children, the eldest being 7 and the youngest being only 2. My parents got divorced about 2-3 years ago when I was 11 and I missed him. Even though my dad was who he was, I loved him. Anytime he did something bad I would simply brush it off. That was until I got to the age of 12. That was when I began to look back on my memories and think "hang a minute, should a father really be doing that to his kid? Is this what a father does?" I also found some things in my mum's room and basically I found out that 90% of what my father said to me was a lie. I began to question whether he loved me. Whether he ever loved me. He sure didn't seem to love my mum and he MARRIED her. I began to love him less and less. Eventually, all love for him had been replaced with hatred and anger when he tried to kidnap me on my way home from school when I was 12. In April last year my dad was supposed to go to jail. However, just 5 days before he could, he commited suicide. To this day I don't exactly know why. Many believe it was to put my family in more debt than ever before as it turned out he was living in our old house for 2 years without paying a penny towards morgage or energy bills or anything. My mum is still paying for them. When he died, I felt no sorrow. I felt no sadness. I actually felt relief... And then I felt immense guilt because I felt relieved. But I still felt relieved. Because I didn't have to live in fear that maybe he would try to kidnap me again, or worse, kidnap my sisters. I felt relieved because I knew it meant he couldn't steal from me or my family anymore. I was basically glad I didn't have to deal with him anymore. I was wrong to think that. It has been almost two years yet me and my family are still struggling to deal with the consequences of his death. Everyone on my father's side of the family (e.g his parents, his siblings etc) have turned on us. It appears my dad fed them lies about how my mum "took his own children away from him" when in reality she saved us from him. Me and my sisters are still having to work extra hard to get a good future because of what our dad has done. I myself have been left with several mental issues that I'd rather not go into detail with... Whenever I think of my dad now, the first word that comes to mind is "monster." But after seeing this video, I felt something. I don't know if it was grief, regret or just weirdness... ..but I felt something. Whatever it was, thank you.

[@georginamai4674]

Apoligies for the long read and sorry to burden you with my messed up life story. Now we can be messed up together(?) I just wanted to say that your video hit me hard. I mean, I have had every single one of my friends and famly members talk to me about my dad's death. I have even had counselling from professionals yet it was only when I watched this very video that I actually felt something.

[@lisat6184]

Georgina Mai that is absolutely horrible, I'm so sorry you had to go through this... I can't really say anything that would help you but I just want you to know that you're really strong for going through all of that and that I hope things will get better in the future :)

[@georginamai4674]

I hope so too. Thank you, I really appreciate it.

[@SenorKristobbalVLog]

So much of this rings true for me. I've cut my dad out of my life and very much have the same attitude that you did - if he died tomorrow I wouldn't care. I was also thrilled when my parents got divorced for my mother's sake. I also have the philosophy that my dad taught me how not to be - belittling my mum, being a compulsive liar, blaming others for his problems. I know its easy for me to say, particularly as my dad is still alive but the fault is with him and not you. You're a good person and you wouldn't have cut him out to be spiteful, you did it because you had to.

[@SenorKristobbalVLog]

So weird - I posted this comment a week ago and now I have found out his alcoholism has killed him. I can't put into word how I feel but I feel his death this way was inevitable, I wish I could have helped him but by the time I was old enough to confront him he was too far gone. He wasn't a nice man but I feel far from satisfied. My advice would be more like Evan and less like my dad.