My experience with masking | Autistic masking in females

[@artemisXsidecross]

I am a male elder near 80 years old first born in the USA from Russian and Eastern Europe parents. There was at my time growing up no diagnosis for autism as you are describing it. I did not speak until the age of three and it took 3 years to reach the second grade in middle school. By the age of eight I learned masking skills and became proficient with it to fulfill my secondary education without excessive notice from authorities. Fortunately my secondary education had an art program for students who had problems being programed (educated) for fitting into modernity. I found art and its expression an outlet. The diagnosis of autism you are describing did not even become a possibility in the USA until 2013 with DSM 5. The reason women were not diagnosed is another example of sexism and patriarchy. It is my opinion that our autism traits are equally divided among men, women, race, and LGBTQIA. We are an equally diverse tribe. Finding work that paid an income was a difficult task with many starts and failures. At age 32 I found a career where I could work alone and solve problems. I worked for Toyota and Mercedes Benz as a Union Journeyman Mechanic. That we do not easily fit in a society being autistic says more about the failure of modernity than ourselves with the autism we reflect. Our difficulty fitting in is more a warning to our culture that there something a miss and it is not us alone. We may be like the canary in the coal mine and a warning of the toxic environment. The bottom line I will write to you is trust yourself. 👍

[@T.T.M.60]

Thank you for sharing that.

[@1bonatsos]

God bless you for sharing of yourself. You're insight and generous lending of information is so helpful and valuable 🙏

[@ZeeZeeNg]

I am a guy who doesn't conform to the traditional masculine stereotype. I've been exploring about neurodiversity & autism for around the past ~2 months, and I identify with these subtler invisible traits that are usually labelled as "female traits". I used to think that masking was "just" introversion/shyness/social anxiety, and that enough exposure would make the uncomfortable feeling of not fitting in & being an outsider go away.

[@Loosh-o7v]

I think you are fine and are experiencing what most people experience at least for a period of their life. These are normal reactions to social interactions. The best way to overcome it if you don't naturally adapt, is to learn the way the human mind functions and learn the systems of thought control that are used on us on a daily basis. The more you understand it, the easier it becomes to recognize who and what the real problem is.

[@sonjabarber9308]

I just watched all of your videos and I can relate to being told "she's just shy" in school, feeling uncertainty with being self-diagnosed, and the search for the right employment. I hope you keep making more videos since they are enjoyable to listen to and have excellent information. Sending good wishes to you from Austin, Texas!

[@Nuissance]

The thing about smiling uncontrollably - I feel busted and so exposed! Loving all your videos, btw.

[@navigatingthespectrum]

Thank you☺️

[@BilliesCraftRoom]

I like a phrase I heard in the neurodiverse community 'If you've met one autistic person, you have met one autistic person.' To clarify, the phrase is validating that how each person experience autism, is very varied.

[@navigatingthespectrum]

Yes, exactly! I like this phrase too.

[@T.T.M.60]

Definitely!,and Temple Grandin, a well known autistic person said that.

[@donnanewby3386]

Thank you for your informative video. I am also waiting for an autism and ADHD assessment. Life is hard trying to unmask, with others not understanding and me not feeling they accept me.

[@Loosh-o7v]

Yeah, it's pretty much a safe assumption that every single human being is not a clone of another human being. Probably a great idea to just treat everyone as an individual. This is something that didn't need to be explained to anybody above the age of three . But welcome to post-2016 circus-earth where everyone needs recognized for their real or perceived "victim hood". That is one thing you can actually safely assume about anyone (since Generation Z) is they believe they are a victim. Also, this girls high school experience and behavior is the same as every single high schooler. There is literally nothing unique about what she is claiming.

[@Loosh-o7v]

Your value and worth really is tied into how you learn to process or cope with these types of things. In other words, beat your brain and don't let your brain beat you. This accomplishment will naturally give you confidence to face even bigger challenges. And don't be afraid to ask for help from someone that isn't offering pills as a solution.

[@glenrose7482]

Thank you for clarifying scripting! This is the best description of scripting I've heard because you mention when we script. I thought it might be good to know that my 2 year old already masks, probably started developing as soon as she could communicate. A lot of her masking seems to be her just trying to help everyone else out by hiding her own anxiety as she probably knows that will make others feel bad. This is nothing we have ever encouraged her to do as we would rather know when she is anxious so we can help her. I think it is more that autistics are extremely aware of others, and care so deeply for them even if we can't express that directly and end up instead getting overwhelmed and melt/shutdown. Knowing who we actually are is something I think we have always struggle with, as my son when he was 3 couldn't express himself as a person, just like I couldn't at all with my adult assessment when asked nearly any questions on self direction.

[@flowersinthefog]

Of all the KZbinrs, podcasters and advocates I have come across (and I have observed a great many), you remind me most of myself. I just wanted to say, thank you for putting yourself out there. You're right that it can feel incredibly lonely, but hearing someone else sharing experiences that resonate helps it to feel a bit less so.

[@navigatingthespectrum]

Oh wow, thank you so much! It makes me happy to know that there’s someone out there just like me🥰

[@shiny6123]

Yes, I am always refraining from doing things at work that I normally would do so as not to upset people. It seems whenever I get comfortable and feel happy I forget and I let the real me come out . When this happens sometimes I get scolded or corrected and dumped. 😢Growing up and now as a woman I didn’t understand why other girls didn’t like me even to this day . I do believe now that it was because I’m different so the mask stays on . Some of the things that annoy others is my offering suggestions, ideas or just opening my mouth. I’ve been bullied as a child and still today at the age of 61. I think people just see my sweet nature and naivety as a weakness but in reality I’m trying to please others by trying to act normal.

[@aliciaholmes9490]

I became a master imitator by studying everyone. Like you, I have to rehearse everything and it takes a tremendous amount of focus and energy to "perform" in front of people. I have special difficulty with translating thoughts into language or understanding what I am feeling or being able to correctly emote around other people. I also smile constantly, it is a total masking tool. You also mentioned about how when it's overwhelming your mind goes blank, and this is exactly how I experience it. Like I will have a total brain dump in an instant and there is no single thought left, just nothingness. I am 50 now and only this pasy year finally recognized that while undiagnosed, ASD is the only explanation for my life experience. I find it has become more acute and difficult as I have gotten older, as if the masking just cannot hide the differences anymore. Luckily I don't seem to care as much what others may think, but there are clearly things with personal and professional relationships and my inability to work in certain environments that have truly limited me over the last 30 years. I guess it's better to learn late than never at all!

[@samamsterdam4301]

Thank you for saying that there are exceptions and that males can mask too and thus slip through the cracks. I get it that females have been underdiagnosed but the pendulum has swung so far to the other side that now many people say that certain traits are for males and others are for females. Each Autistic person is an individual and the traits can be mix and match. I had many traits that are now labeled as "female" and I'm a guy so we really can't label male or female. I often mimicked other's behaviors and would even start talking like another person if I had been around them for any amount of time. I got the best smile award in school because I'm a chronic smiler. I also like to people watch and it can be quite awkward when I get caught and I smile awkwardly. haha. Thank you for your videos I'm really enjoying your channel and I wish you the best on your way to a formal diagnosis. You rock! I'm still in the first 2 months of getting my formal diagnosis so I'm learning a lot. Suddenly my life makes sense. I have different identities depending on who I'm interacting with. I'm going through the process of unmasking but I still mask way too much.

[@7lilly5]

I am in awe how well you word your thoughts so clearly. I have my strengths in writing everything out. I especially love how you touched on the ability to mask is a privilege. Very true. And very potent way you stated it. I tried so hard to effectively mask, but looking back made it even more challenging for me. I came from a very unhealthy family were everyone had major issues, but mine were used as the focal point to detract from them. I realized too smiling is a major masking defensive tactic for me as well.

[@Ryoko16bit]

This video is such a good one, & reminds me a lot of my childhood too. My experience has been very similar to yours, and I’m looking to get a formal diagnosis too. For me it’s been over 40yrs & I’ve just recently realized I’m autistic. Since I haven’t had to interact and mask as much as I used to, my autistic traits are starting to show. Thank you so much for your videos😊

[@alejandro-314]

I relate with many of your experiences. I received my official diagnosis this week (I'm 34 yo). I remember imitating character from TV in order to fit in. Suppressing my emotions and impulses but also my special interest that were not "age appropriate". I picked up interest from NT kids. Scripting was and still is an important tool for me as well.

[@ernestoherrera703]

Thank you for this video Angelina. I’ll try to add some words about my experiences, eventually someone can relate or make something out of it. Also thanks to anybody else for sharing their experiences as well - to me it feels very demanding to do this, I don’t know about you; I appreciate anyones efforts. I'm also in the diagnostic process now in my mid 30s. For the last 15 years I have tried to connect to people by understanding the human nature through spiritual practises, deeply getting into “the topic”, while never acknowledging myself and accepting that I'm eventually hardwired in a different way without a possibility to perceive life in the ordinary/typical way. Occasionally I would step out of the "common world" and experience great peace for some days or weeks, then people would attempt to connect more, but ultimately I'm falling back into my world again and again without the slightest substantial change, realising: I do not understand the common ways of people, how they move through life and in particular why they’re motivated to do certain things and my heartfelt home of being a human is where I am with everything that is different with me. Currently I'm in the process of consciously identifying and unlearning masking behaviour, trying to slowly confront people with my perception of things and so far it is an interesting, exhausting, but also rewarding process. It can take a lot of words until someone, even close, finally realises, that I actually do not understand many of their social expectations, while still being fully engaged to live in harmony with them from a broader perspective. Other people seem to reject the possibility of me being neurodiverse, because I had once a long term relationship, a close friend, can make an occasional joke, have a degree. But all these things were very complicated and sort of engineered, socially challenging projects in my head; the bachelors degree took 17 semester and multiple attempts, because I would deep dive into anything, overwhelming myself and then collapse for days (while working in multiple jobs, feeling completely electrified just by the noise of daily life). Also I did not talk in school at all, extremely sparsely in university and would only open up to certain coworkers in the 4 years I had a full-time job afterwards. I’m a guy, but I do not relate to the existing gender roles or the category itself - and was not at all expected to do so in my only romantic relationship - I think that played a significant role for us to spend 5 years together. I spend some time with self diagnosis during the last months and had researched 5 pages of symptoms and real life examples of accidentally violating social norms, misunderstandings, etc. in about an hour - that was a very strange experience for me and brought a massive shift in perception. Also my father mentioned I had a physiological blockage as a kid (out of context) - I think he meant I would not move (just stand), but I’m afraid to open up on the topic to him and ask for details - I wonder if that is related to anything. Kind regards

[@sheaballard3022]

I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying. In hindsight, I know I’ve masked all my life, or at least have tried to. I wish I had home movies of little-me, so I could see what I was like then. There’s a lot I can remember from my childhood, but also a lot I don’t. Thank you for making these videos.

[@hrtdinasaurette3020]

Angelina, tho I am somewhat aware how tough things are for you right now, there’s a part of me that is very happy that you’re on the track to formal diagnosis now. I am a woman in the UK n I am 52. I am just beginning my battle for formal diagnosis. When I was young autism was rare and only applied to boys - I think because they display or act out more, where as us females just try our hardest to watch very carefully and learn how to copy, mask, fit in and cause as little trouble as possible. At 52 I am a bit of a master in the art. However, I am single, have no children, never learnt to drive or even went on holiday. My poor mother was very autistic and when I was 7 my father (probably also autistic) left my mother, myself and my brother. My nephew has a formal diagnosis and my brother is self diagnosed. So, whilst my mother was trying very hard to mask, she did burn out and break down. We lived in the middle of nowhere and managed to hide all this from authorities for fear of being placed into the child care system and being separated. Anyway, enough of my chattering. Your story has helped give me hope that, tho there are many women of my age in my position, things have been and are changing for the better. There is no magic cure. But, there is help, healthier coping mechanisms, support and self understanding and compassion - which is a big thing and helps you not to dislike yourself so much. I truly send you strength, love and any peace of mind available to you. You seem a very insightful and intelligent young lady and I believe a fuller and more contented life, specifically right just for you, is out there somewhere waiting for you. Please try to find it because you definitely deserve it. You are a beautiful individual and I wish you the best of lives. Thank you for your posts, they are greatly helping others out here. ❤❤

[@Loosh-o7v]

The shrink you are visiting is diagnosing you for being human it sounds like to me. Everybody goes through those feelings in their head. The only difference is , some people quickly learn how to adapt, ignore or negotiate it to a degree that allows then to not get defeated. Everyone has coping mechanisms in social settings. The only person in your story with a "disorder" is your shrink. He/She is mentally unfit and should not have the ability to prescribe mind altering substances to innocent victims. This may not be what you want to read because you think it makes you less unique or interesting. But trust me, the fact that you don't immediately identify as a victim is a rare trait in our current trash-culture. And it makes you more interesting than all the medicated zombies who think they are "well" or "fixed"

[@anjachan]

smile ... yeah. I understand you!

[@gtm2479]

Hey thank you for making these videos! I had been struggling all my life with almost all the symptoms you've mentioned in your videos. I tried to fit in with the crowd always and failed miserably most of the time. Most of the time it felt this is how i was and i blamed myself for lacking those social skills. The last few weeks have been very stressful and depressing for me. I moved to a new country recently and I'm struggling to manage myself. I'm tired of trying to adapt and get along with the normal crowd. I don't really know if i should self diagnose because I'm not sure if this is ASD I'm facing, I'm always at self doubt and fear this lack of clarity. I feel lost and scared as I'm entirely alone here. I used to live with my family and my closest friends were always within my reach. Now i realize how important they were in my life and the privilege i had to be around them!

[@yuginoty65]

Hi again. This video is very thorough, exacting, informative, and so correct. My of us autistic people have had many like experiences. I am older so the only “videos” of me are old 8mm movies without sound. Yet, I too, have seen myself respond to things and people while trying desperately to appear normal and act correctly. Masking takes almost everything, energy, focus, thoughts in real time at multiple levels. Reading outside of one’s self as much as within. However, at the cost paid through autistic burnout which can be devastating. Thank you for this video. Peace…Aria ☮️🏳️‍⚧️💜🦄

[@navigatingthespectrum]

Hi Aria☺️I’m happy to hear from you again. I hope you’re doing well. Thank you for your lovely comment!

[@richardreiman8202]

What a profoundly intelligent video! I am self-diagnosed as well but only in the last ten years or so (I am now 68). I think that your self-diagnosis and self-discovery will enable you to have the fullest, richest life anyone can have, especially with the resources available for autistic people today. No one can buy time and you have the time to do so. Your early diagnosis supplies the key. I have a question and a comment, My question is that I wonder what your special interests are. Secondly, you are so insightful and articulate that I think that you would be a great success at writing scholarly articles based on your knowledge of autism. I am a college professor who leveraged a lot of scholarly study, training and my autistic talents to do a lot of great and enjoyable teaching and research. You might consider if this is a path right for you. Thank you for your videos.

[@BilliesCraftRoom]

So relatable, thanks for sharing. There is a book called so you think you're sutistic. A workbook for the confused person who's just trying to figure things out by Samantha stein. Which has questions to help untangle everything. Exceptional individuals has online quiz for a range of neurodiverse experiences. Resonated with a lot of your experiences. I hear you.

[@navigatingthespectrum]

Thank you so much for watching and for the recommendations! I really appreciate them❤️

[@cowsonzambonis6]

Awesome video- I relate so much to what you said. I don’t think I script much (if at all), but the anxiety of interactions 😬😬😬 I feel so bad for little you in that video, checking to make sure you were doing everything right. ❤

[@myrtila]

I relate so much to the smiling thing. Although, I started trying to smile a lot in my late teen years. In all the photos and videos before that I have a blank, poker face.

[@christinelamb1167]

Wow Angelina, I am so glad I found your channel! I am a 59 year old female, and I have always known that I am "different". My first memories are of being in kindergarten, and looking at the other children around me, and wondering how they knew what to do (how to talk to others, how to act), because it seemed to come naturally to them. It was a huge effort for me to "appear normal", even at that very young age. I always felt like the "weirdo" in school, I was always that awkward kid who stumbled over her words, and didn't really know what to say, or how to interact with others. Unfortunately, no one ever seemed to notice or care that I was struggling in life so much, maybe they thought I was just shy. I related so much to the masking behaviors you spoke of. Oh my gosh, the smiling! I learned from a very young age to just keep smiling all the time, because I felt like this would make me seem more approachable and friendly. I have also always done the "rehearsing" of conversations, whether it's something coming up where I know I will have to speak to someone, or going back over and over again on a previous conversation I've had with someone. Conversation is never just natural for me, and I hate it that I can't be natural like other people seem to be. Everything has to be rehearsed and scripted out, and even then I still feel a great deal of anxiety when talking to people. I also practice facial expressions in the mirror, rehearsing how I will react or going over how I previously reacted. I'm always conscious of trying to make my facial expressions match my emotions. Even with all of this rehearsal, I am still often misunderstood, and people often think I am angry when I am not. I first became aware that I might be autistic about 5 years ago, and I feel like it explains so much about why I have struggled so much in my life. I am currently seeking a way to get formally diagnosed, but it has been hard navigating through the medical insurance system.

[@ComfortingSoundsASMR]

Just found your channel, I'm on a similar journey.. will be watching all your upcoming vids and your progress with this process... 💗

[@navigatingthespectrum]

Thank you so much! Best of luck on your journey❤️

[@m0thdm]

I hope you keep doing this. You are doing amazing and this is so helpful. MUCH LOVE

[@navigatingthespectrum]

Thank you! I’m glad to hear that you find my videos helpful☺️

[@aspidoscelis]

Welcome to being my new favorite person. :-)

[@miavira2000]

I'm trying to work on "unmasking" a lot more as an adult. Somewhere in my teenage years I believe I started masking more and more to avoid getting made fun of or picked on by other girls. I never practiced body language or facial expressions in the mirror (part of me is too stubborn to completely change myself, but not stubborn enough not to mask lol) but I do have a sort of "default" personality and voice I use when interacting with people for the first time. I'm not an empath but I still am pretty empathetic and can "feel" the energy of a room and people and sometimes I can tell if a person is "safe" and can let my guard down around them and not mask as much. Some send out huge red flags for me, whether it be through their mannerisms or body language and I 100% mask at all times around these people to avoid getting picked on. Most of the time though neither of these are the case and I have to use my "default" mask when interacting to get to know them and judge whether or not it is safe to be myself around them. That's just my personal experience with masking and I am trying to be less paranoid and let my guard down around more with people.

[@TheFireDivine]

The worst part about masking as an undiagnosed autistic adult is that we've done it our whole lives without even knowing.

[@reain]

I smile nonstop as a mask. I've had selective mutism my whole life but that mask, although it makes me want to break down because I can't stop smiling until the person leaves, helps me communicate that I'm not scary like I've always been told I am. Teachers would force me to smile and wouldn't leave me alone until I did, classmates wouldn't approach me at all because I looked "angry", scary or hostile. Now I can't even control it anymore and it scares me because I don't want to smile, I'll stop but then someone talks to me again and its back. I'm glad you talked about smiling as a mask, i never thought it could be one I thought smiling was just "natural" and when i googled it, it just said people calm themselves down by smiling but of course its not the same for us ND people lol /lh

[@DeborahAnnsuperversatile]

I dont have to imagine. Thats how I am every day, when I was younger and when I am older. And it is actually kind of worse now as an adult with a job.

[@alexadellastella5247]

Great video! I relate totally

[@redpalex]

Thank you so much for these videos, they're so helpful!

[@dzrmgkva]

Idk what type of neurodivergent i am, cause l loved talking and was successful student. Then i moved got breakdown and basically dont know how to navigate emotions no more, they seem so tense and mb i always been that way, but i haven't time to socialize ehen i was a kid

[@autisticjenny]

I can relate to you so much! Thank you...

[@navigatingthespectrum]

Thank you Jenny! I love your channel☺️

[@autisticjenny]

@@navigatingthespectrum Thank you! Let's collab on a video. 😄Maybe some of my subscribers will follow you and vice versa!

[@navigatingthespectrum]

Sure! Do you have an Instagram? You can DM me @navigatingasdlife 😊

[@simbo57]

Hi Thanks for putting up the vids they are really good. Do you think autism is a symptom of the modern world? Caused by babyies and toddlers given too much left brain stimulation at a very young age. I mean like learning letters really early via frige magnets ect. From this the left hemispher of the brain becomes dominant when naturally it is the right hemisphere of the brain which should be dominant.

[@almond1739]

Angelina, thanks for the video. Did you also learn English along with Finnish? You speak beautifully! Do you think some of your family members might be autistic?

[@navigatingthespectrum]

Thank you so much! I did, I started learning English in primary school but got more into it during high school. It’s now my favorite language :) I still have a lot to learn, though. And yeah, I think at least two of my family members might be autistic.

[@MaxCardwell-y7k]

Any number of people adopt a smile to be social acceptable . Everyone adjusts their social cues and interplay . Youre looking for things that aren't there . Any number of typical people find social situations uncomfortable and will adopt different traits to fit in . EVERYONE masks. Your looking for something that isn't there

[@Loosh-o7v]

Yeah, but if they don't have their victimhood, they cease to possess a personality. How boomers used to ride around in sports cars to overcompensate for a lack of personality. Yeah this is Gen Z's version of that.

[@Painfullyshy32]

what was your degree in? what area are you working in now if you are working?

[@NeurodiverJENNt]

New subscriber here. Thank you for adding to the conversation about Autism. I'm doing the same on my channel. I think this was an excellent and to the point description of masking

[@navigatingthespectrum]

Thank you so much Jenn! I subscribed to you as well☺️Your channel name is really cool, by the way😄

[@NeurodiverJENNt]

@@navigatingthespectrum you are awesome! If I ever do a video about masking I might actually have to give you a shout out because I truly feel like you worded this so well in a way that was so relatable

[@winterroses2020]

I liked this video. I disagree that if autistic people were accepted, then they wouldn’t have to learn to mask. I think they would have to mask less, but still would need to, to some degree. All people do, to some extent out of consideration for other people’s needs. For example, an allistic person might be aware and careful not to chew too loudly around an autistic person with misophonia, as a kindness. Likewise, autistic people can and should be mindful of some things. I think it’s too absolute to glorify a reality where no one ever masks at all.

[@paulinejulien9191]

I don’t think it’s that women are better at masking than men, I think it’s mainly that women often *need* to mask more than men because of societal pressures. I also feel like I haven’t lost touch with my real self because I had plenty of time alone where I didn’t need to mask.

[@paulinejulien9191]

I don’t think it’s that women are better at masking than men, I think it’s mainly that women often *need* to mask more than men because of societal pressures.

[@kaisfp]

I wish we wouldn't ever have to mask at all, having to mask is a burden, not only in family, friends or partner relationship, but it slows us down at work too. Having to do masking continuosly for hours and hours every single day is kind of like a big iron ball chained to the ankle.

[@Loosh-o7v]

Dr Raymond Rife discovered that everything including diagnosed mental maladies have a signature frequency that they resonate at. By matching that frequency through sinewaves (sound) you can effectively destroy it.

[@lynncotto371]

Excellent video 👍 thank you so much for sharing your experience, which I can also definitely relate to 🩷