My husband feels ATTACKED when I share my FEELINGS

What do we do when people still feel attacked when we share our feelings about our marriage? We remember, we can't change them, we can't communicate for them, we can't force them to be an emotionally safe person for us, we can't force them to learn and practice vulnerability and empathy and trust. We can control how we bring up hurts and complaints and we can enforce appropriate boundaries when someone shows us that they aren't capable of listening to our vulnerability without using it against us.
#marriageadvice #emotionalneglect #wife
Marriage is all about commitment and faithfulness and trust and connection and friendship and intimacy. Are you prioritizing those in your relationship? If not, there's really no point in even getting married. That is how we HAVE a great marriage. That is what LOVE requires of us. They aren't add on's. They are essential to a healthy marriage. You can stay together, but the presence of respect and emotional safety and closeness and playfulness is what makes a relationship thrive. And it's possible for you!

[@omgcarsonnn]

You never will feel more powerless than when you’re trying to explain to your partner that they’ve hurt you and they still don’t understand

[@JimmyonRelationships]

And so hurt :(

[@janicekern5318]

This!!! Everytime he asks what is wrong, I feel like it is a trap, no matter what I say or how I say it, he gets mad at me.

[@shawngrissom1141]

​@@janicekern5318it's why I need a divorce. It becomes a toxic cycle and I can't keep riding the cycle of chaos

[@janicekern5318]

@@shawngrissom1141 I started working in the schools, I work through my pain everyday, the end of the day is the worst, but I know I need to leave, hoping I can earn enough in the next year or two. If I leave now I will end up stuck wherever I end up, so I want to be sure, where I am stuck at, is where ai want to be. Just an acre or two of land, hopefully with a water source and electric, but hey, I can live without that stuff.

[@katjongeward7155]

what if he says "I'm trying"? but, he still sucks? then, it becomes a defense, and again, it's my fault. "well, I'm trying!" it's like if he says he is trying, I can't complain.

[@keithcharles2113]

So true. I had to employe a 3rd person to act as a trainer, mediator and translator. She was able to translate my wife’s language into words I could understand. Then after the joint session another session to help me with my stuck places. It was hell. My emotional filters were twisting every emotional message my wife tried to deliver. No matter how careful she was all I heard was an attack and that I’m not enough. My filters twisted everything to line up with my core beliefs. I could not hear her heart. In session she might say the sky is blue, I would argue fiercely that she said the sky is green. Therapist would confirm, “Keith, she said blue”. That was a real eye opener to see how corrupted my operating system was. Took years to dig out of that mess. I had the emotional maturity of a 3 to 5 year old. All in an adult body.

[@JimmyonRelationships]

Im so proud of your self reflection here!! It takes a strong man to admit where he was wrong in the past. But I also have a tremendous amount of compassion for you. I bet you came from a family where there was some inconsistent love or some neglect wasn’t there? They didn’t model what healthy emotional connection looked like did they? And that’s heartbreaking too

[@keithcharles2113]

Thank you. My parents modeled how to destroy children and relationships in general. I was moms golden child and the enforcer of her will and rules within her family and ultimately my own family. She is a dedicated determined destroyer and she used me to wreck havoc everywhere. It was ugly. Freedom took 15 years. Most of it coming in the last 2 1/2. In the end it took an IFS specialist who was recovering from her own severe childhood abuse to lead me out and then back to myself to do the parts of my healing that only I could do. IFS turned out to be far more effective than EMDR. Although I think EMDR was necessary for me to reach a point where I could stay in the room with her. Without the healing all of the marriage tools and techniques I had learned were nothing more than temporary coping skills which took the manipulation to the next level. (I was SO bad) 😁 Anyway, enjoying your content. We need more men like you.

[@naturalwitchery]

This honest share gives me hope. Thanks foe your vulnerability; it shows real healing!

[@dniece1218]

I swear this is my husband

[@martinaniesen152]

That's so beautiful that you found it. Thank you for sharing.

[@AprilSunshine]

"You're already alone in this relationship" Wow. Hit the nail on the head. 😔

[@ladyesther]

I do agree with that.

[@stephenkarla7113]

True even when he's here he's not here. You are alone and fear to bring up anything.

[@makishoshi]

That's how I feel. Like a single mother.

[@lopezfamily6483]

😢😢 VERY HARD!!

[@kicsms_science3729]

Yeah, that one hit pretty close to home.

[@StephanieP-ie6un]

In our relationship , 1. I tell him my needs 2. He feels attacked 3. He invalidates me 4. I shutdown and tell him this isn’t working/please leave 5. He comes back hours later trying to meet my needs/promising to go to counseling 6. We are great for 6-8 weeks 7. Repeat cycle

[@JimmyonRelationships]

This is normally due to unhealed trauma. Counseling helped me to process through that stuff so I could actually have safe conversations about my wife’s needs without feeling attacked

[@WouldntULikeToKnow.]

Sounds like he isn't actually willing to change. Does he take any action to go to a therapist? If not, his actions should speak louder than words.

[@regenawilson8607]

Sounds like the hell I used to go through to be in a relationship. Once I learned to love myself, ..single is beautiful & ok!

[@badgyalleelee8718]

Same the fuck here and I’m tired so when day while he’s at work I’ll be moving me and my girls out!

[@shnacksx3482]

Literally me right now with my husband.

[@rachelp4398]

The fact that I have to play this audio very low is so saddening. I don't want a fight, I want a marriage.

[@JujuBonez]

I can totally relate.

[@tianna1116]

Me too

[@spreadjoy5766]

Oh snap this is literally me rn 😓

[@Rachel-kg2cw]

Suzanne Venker has helped me massively. Look up her podcast.

[@kamiw5864]

You don’t want to hear this: You don’t have a marriage if you have to hide that you’re watching videos. I feel like maybe you all deserve much more. I’m sorry that you’re all in that situation.

[@brendadesmond6573]

I remember when I told my husband it hurts me that he is maintaining a friendship with the woman he cheated on me with and he reacted by walking away from me with a shoulder shrug. This was at a time we were suppose to be working on our marriage after he had the affair. This reaction was the beginning of the end.

[@ineedhoez]

Girl... you know he is still with her right?

[@juliall255]

😭😭😭@@ineedhoez

[@richellekohler2165]

I’m so excited for you to have the opportunity to find a partner who DOES listen to and meet your needs!

[@emma24ism]

He was the problem, …trust me on this.

[@antheredhen]

Same thing happened to me. Wish I had ended it then. His excuse was her husband was a drunk and she needed a friend... Fast forward 25 years. My husband's the drunk. 🤔🤔

[@wordswithyoda6360]

Minute 4:20 “The mature person asks…Why am I in a relationship with someone who neglects me?” Minute 5:40 “Are you comfortable staying in a relationship where someone doesn’t care to meet your legitimate needs?” This entire video is spot on.

[@briansolomon2969]

OMG. Mind blowing. Great video.

[@scottbryan3439]

I’ve been struggling with this exact thing for a long time. My wife will try to communicate her feelings and needs to me and all I hear and is jabs. It’s painful to be trying so hard to mend our relationship and every time we talk about something we get nowhere because I have the emotional intelligence of a 3 year old. I started in therapy and have been watching your videos trying desperately to find my way and break through this major barrier in our marriage.

[@torirosario5611]

Good for you!

[@LaB567]

You are the 1% of men who recognize the problem and is taking responsibility. Congratulations

[@ratingswinner]

At least you are trying and recognizing your emotional intelligence needs to be worked on, nice to hear from you

[@badgyalleelee8718]

Good luck to you but she probably already gone

[@triciaseiter6855]

Keep trying. At least you have started to see what you are doing

[@Middleagedmutantninjaturtle]

At a certain point you get tired of walking on egg shells and being the only one trying to fix things. Its ok to leave!

[@carlotta4th]

It's okay to shrug and say "I guess that one is broken and doesn't want to fix themselves" and move on. Your not broken because you failed to help them, you tried. It is possible to lose and make no mistakes. That is life.

[@ukgurl1000]

That’s true but when they get married 6 months later with someone “that is more compatible” you wonder if the core of him will show up in that relationship.

[@tslilbearshoppe9870]

It's more important for him to win the fight than to have peace.

[@NewesSkiller]

Right here is the problem. Bet he feels the same way.

[@tslilbearshoppe9870]

@@NewesSkiller women aren't the competitive ones.

[@jaybrysheehi2145]

After 20 year's of trying to express this to my husband he finally understands. You helped us break emotional walls we both built. I never blamed him in 20 year's. We always had the love but now we have the ability to communicate. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. ❤

[@Padilla-81]

I'm so glad I read your comment, I just wanted u to know that immediately after reading your "testimony", I felt hopeful. Thank you.

[@shawngrissom1141]

He literally just listened to this, identified with it, and turned around and did the exact same thing in less than 24 hours

[@tessamarie8698]

That’s a goner and I’m so sorry. There’s no fixing that.

[@mrscuevas71]

Rome wasn't built in a day 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@jupiterlily13]

@@mrscuevas71 It's not her job to build Rome alone though. And Rome certainly won't get built if your building partner keeps tearing things down and undermining the project.

[@tandycorbin5601]

It took me 28 years to understand and accept this with my ex-husband. I finally gave up when I realized that if I didn't leave I was going to die, either at his hands or my own. My next go around only took me 7 years to see I was back in a similar place (a little better than last time, but still emotionally barren). I plan on spending a looooong time uncoupled. Emotionally available men are the exception, not the rule.

[@flagirl0315]

Yea it can be tough out there for sure. Only in my 30s and dated so many I really just want to be alone.

[@keithcharles2113]

They are rare. Me as a man just trying to find emotionally healthy men for friendship is difficult.

[@ineedhoez]

But you are the common denominator. Your willingness to accept emotionally unavailable men is the problem. I bet in all the time that you took off from relationships, you never did the work to heal your self love deficit disorder AKA codependency. So the next time you got into a relationship, you were still unhealed and you sought out the same emotionally unavailable partners.

[@tandycorbin5601]

@@ineedhoez You are right. Loooong before I ever got married I was trained in the art of codependency from my mother and father. I watched my father almost kill my mother multiple times, he beat us all during alcholic rages, SA'd me from 8 to 19; all I ever knew was abuse. As terrible as my ex was, he wasn't as bad as my father, not by a long shot. I am taking as much time as I need to heal my body, mind and spirit. I am working to make sure my past is no longer part of the equation.

[@shiphop5863]

​@@keithcharles2113Thank you for acknowledging this. As a woman I sometimes wonder how many other men feel this way.

[@hopefowler177]

Thank you. You explained 8 of my 8.5 years of marriage, trued everything to make it work, felt so alone. He was supposed to be my forever so I wanted it to work so badly, tried and begged him for years to connect with me and work through even the smallest things…got nothing but stonewalling and “you’re the one with the problem”. Finally decided I’m worth more than this, divorce in progress. Thank you for your content😊

[@pauldirc..]

What were your problems, which you need help from husband

[@TayaCmiller]

Thank you for helping me realize this relationship is going anywhere. A lot has happened over a decade of fighting but today was an eye opener. I had a diagnostic mammogram, an ultrasound, and scheduled a biopsy. I took a Lyft to and from the radiology place cause he didn’t want to be bothered. When I came back, he didn’t ask how it went or how I felt. I even texted while at the doctor’s office to let them know they might have to do an ultrasound. Nothing. No replies In text or in person while checking out of the hotel or the drive home. Know your worth. I deserve more.

[@cullberry]

Sad. I hope you're in good health and that someone is loving you.

[@mirosDV]

Yes, you do. You deserve to be seen, to feel cherished and particularly supported. I see you in a new relationship with someone who truly cherishes you. I am so glad you see it to and that, like Jimmy said, that you deserve to be prioritized. Love you sis!

[@edithtierce8209]

I had a severe allergic reaction to a scorpion sting that left me unable to move and struggling to take breaths. I drove myself to urgent care at night because he did not care about me… When they realized what was going on staff was afraid and said I needed to go to the ER. They didn’t want to call an ambulance because I was stable and it is expensive… They asked if I had anyone to call? I called my fiancé… The NP stood there while I struggled to speak, terrified of what was happening to me and tell my fiancé could he please come pick me up and take me to the ER? He was cold, acted like I was being dramatic, asked why can’t the one friend I have in our city who is the mom of an infant come pick me up at midnight…? The NP spoke to him about what was going on… He agreed to come pick me up. After I hung up the phone the staff all came one by one to speak with me… Asking if I was OKAY and SAFE? Like they didn’t believe I had called my actual fiancé. Tbh I couldn’t believe it either… I honestly wish I could be friends with every woman in these comments (there are some men too) who is a kind soul that seems to not be able to be treated with love and respect in their relationship. I wish we could all be seen. Maybe we can SEE each other. We deserve it. I hope you are in good health and I hope upon hope that all of this is behind you.

[@tajha123]

@@edithtierce8209I’m so sorry for your experience know that me a perfect stranger hopes you don’t stop loving you! It’s the most important relationship that you’ll have!! I pray for your healing that circumstances will change for you and the fears that prevent your success be left at God’s feet. Trust that you can leave if this continues and he refuses to show up as a partner. Being alone is better than that anyway. I stopped effort after 28 years and it’s been reinforced by his choices I probably always made excuses and was too afraid to start over after investing so much of myself. You have an opportunity for improvement and success without fear. If someone lets you walk away they aren’t worth fighting for! 🙏🏻♥️✨🔥

[@TesriaT]

@@edithtierce8209 Please leave him. I'm not typically someone to jump on the internet and say that to random strangers, but that situation *alone* even with no other context is beyond red flag territory, it's abusive, which is why the nurses behaved that way and checked on you. If you really want to you can ask him to go to therapy, but put a deadline on it - find a therapist in the next two weeks or I'm out, and then stick to it because he will just promise and not go otherwise. (If he refuses straight out you have your answer: he doesn't care about you or the relationship anyway). But if he thinks you're being dramatic because *urgent care staff told you you needed to go to the ER* that is someone who's going to gaslight and downplay every single need you have, forever. It sounds like he would have watched you die on the living room floor before lifting a finger, which also means he's not at *all* reliable in any kind of emergency. Imagine if you hurt yourself, or started getting symptoms of a heart attack. At least if you're living alone you can have a plan to deal with that and medical staff won't just send you home if you need supervision because they know there's no one to watch you (there clearly isn't now, but they'd assume there would be). I had to go to the hospital recently for something much less serious, but that had the potential to be signs of something serious. My partner was abroad and couldn't help, but he was checking in with me the whole time, and my best friend and her husband came and sat with me in the waiting room (again, this wasn't even as serious as your situation! and they didn't have an infant, though they did have to go home about 1am anyway, though the didn't want to leave me but I insisted they sleep) - I didn't need a lift, they just cared enough to be with me when I was scared over something that *probably* wasn't even that serious. Not even a partner, just friends. Your partner is a thousand percent less interested in supporting you than a friend who doesn't live with me is about supporting me. My partner would never have let me go alone in the first place if he was able to be there. Heck, he wasn't working the day I had an iud fitted and came with me just in case I needed a hug afterwards or got dizzy and needed help (I tend to find the procedure very painful). Not everyone can go with you to more routine stuff like that, but caring enough to *want* to be there for you when you're sick or hurting is *what a partner should be like*. Ask yourself if you would have let him drive to the hospital while he was struggling to breathe? Or refused to help when urgent care assessed him as needing emergency care? I'm willing to bet the answer is no. Genuine emergencies or illness on the part of the other person can happen, occasionally they can't be there for you for every single need, but this wasn't "I haven't slept in 24 hours and I'm not safe to drive," or "my disability is flaring up to the point it's literally too painful to sit up, I'm sorry," or "I can't leave my grandparent with dementia by themselves, but let me order you a rideshare because I want you to get there safely." This was "nah, your medical emergency is an inconvenience, sort it out yourself." Get out before you're legally tied to that man. You aren't safe.

[@JujuBonez]

“Wanting to be close to someone doesn’t make you needy it makes you human” 🥹 I needed to hear that.

[@Dorothyannith]

Me too, genuinely...

[@dtconnell1893]

Well tbh Im at the stage to give up my marriage, because Im tired of hearing things "nothing I do is good enough for you" or "you complain a lot" or "its hard to make you happy". However I have never heard "ok I will work on it" or "I want to change it but I need time". During our last fight I heard "if you are that unhappy you can leave". That was painful and I cant stop thinking about it. If a person I love tells me this and at the same time completely dismissing this what I have just said, then I think its time for me to walk away.

[@angelbuttercup119]

I hear the same things from my husband. He blames me for everything, and feels completely justified for his own actions. For years, I kept my mouth shut when I had problems, and now that I'm speaking up to try to save us, I'm "always making him the bad guy. " It feels like an impossible situation.

[@sunnybein1]

That’s guilting and shaming you for having feelings and deflecting.I would exit.What you tolerate will continue.

[@heathergreyart]

💯 you guys understand my experience... Always carrot dangling with the change never made is a future fake.

[@koellekind]

​​@@tianna1116I'm sure you will be perfectly fine on your own. You might be afraid of inner voices (some call them demons but that is way to negative). And yes, if you are on your own, you might hear those voices louder and clearer. But that is a good thing. It will be hurtful at times, but it is always good to get closer to yourself, learn about what is inside you, what hurt has not been processed yet, and so on. Eventually, you will be MUCH happier, and have much more inner peace. Set a date RIGHT NOW for when you will leave! If you want to give your partner a final chance, put that date 1-2 months into the future. Otherwise, I would recommend 1-2 WEEKS.

[@leontineke]

This! No self reflection coming back. Just a non-willingness of doing the work together. Unintended, not knowing how to be more conscious and communicate in a healthy and mature way about stuff.

[@Hopespringseternal]

I had this discussion with him yesterday. I asked him to please focus on my feelings with compassion (since he actually did something big to hurt me, little things don’t need addressing), instead on focusing on HIS feelings of his wrongdoing and guilt. His face changed and softened. I was almost in shock! I was so proud of him for this, and will continue to tell him how proud of him I am of all the great things he does. I used to emasculate without even knowing, and prayed (pray) that God shows me when I do. Always easier to point fingers, and while he’s the bigger problem, I can change for the better to be a more supportive wife without being a doormat.

[@mrsks5399]

As a doormat, I thank you for this comment

[@mark9294]

Is he the bigger problem though?

[@joshuamac6302]

I need this from my wife. I've felt neglected for years and she says she felt neglected as well. No intimacy at all and it hurts like hell. She had sent videos of yours to me and i blew them off because i thought they would be like everyone else, I was wrong 😮

[@toldaddy]

Hey, thanks for speaking up. I think it's really important for everyone to remember this dynamic doesn't split along gender lines.

[@BatshtPassionate]

Thank you for being open at some point to understanding both of your sides

[@Wanderlustful1438]

As a person in that exact pursuer/avoided relationship, I used the communication techniques (when this happens, I feel xyz), but my partner still feels attacked, deflects, or continues to avoid. I am starting to also avoid. I can see that this relationship is unhealthy and and I am on a path of self-healing and focusing on myself.

[@JimmyonRelationships]

That’s all we can do, I’m proud of you!

[@flagirl0315]

Yes I find with avoidants it’s near impossible. Luckily only dating so I moved on from it. It’s not healthy and I was walking on eggshells just to ask to see them more and get more calls

[@shawngrissom1141]

Same here. I heard this video and it just resonates very well. I decided today that this marriage isn't going to work.

[@shawngrissom1141]

I just landed my not so dreamy dream job, doing what I love...the chaos and resentment from not being able to communicate, not being heard valued or protected...had me in such a tizzy that I couldn't go in to work. I can't ever forget that. I was so happy and vibrant and independent before him, I wanna go back to that. This feels like real covert narcissism and emotional/mental abuse

[@She-Ra-db7eg]

​@@shawngrissom1141I feel like I'm reading my own writing when reading your comments. I resonate with what you've shared 100% It's been just over 3yrs of marriage and already it feels like it's cost my soul. I am a shell of who I used to be having given far far beyond what I could give. No one should be alone in a marriage. I feel like I've been waiting for my husband to show up in mine since our vows. I have to realise now that he made vows he couldn't keep. No one in my life knows about what I'm going through. At least there's someone here I can relate to although I wouldn't wish for anyone to go through this ever.

[@amandahayes3600]

This was a little hard to hear. I have been married for 20 years. My daughter is 18 and graduates this year. I have battled with my husband and his aggressiveness for most of our marriage. I had 3 children and he had 1 coming into the marriage. He has always looked for the negative in each of them except his son (he came to live with us just before we married). I have begged for years for him to go to counseling. We recently had a huge blowup and I told him he was leaving after our daughter’s graduation. He started counseling for his anger (he is all mouth- yelling, cussing, name calling, etc). We noticed a huge change in his behavior for about 6 weeks and then he stopped going and he went right back to how he has always been. I’ve only stayed because I thought it was best to keep our family together. Now my daughter tells me she wishes I would have left him a long time ago. She is now in therapy.

[@JimmyonRelationships]

Wow this is so sad Amanda. I’m so sorry :(

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I have a daughter of 20 and reading this post makes me glad I left q7 years ago. Anger terrifies me. I can listen. There was no need for his anger.

[@nicolelauderdale3919]

I’m so sorry - leave . 6 months and now back to his old self . After all that time . When your kids tell you they want you to leave . Do it - or they will resent you later ! And your daughter will see she can be strong if she ever gets treated that way

[@marthas.4456]

I think counselling can't change people who don't want to change.

[@ladyfl0wers]

Lets acknowledge that "i'm not leaving because of the kids" is just a cowardish excuse for not having the guts to leave....and then u have damaged kids...bravo!

[@starlingswallow]

I love your videos!!! The way you analyze relationships is how I was in my first marriage. I'd map out graphs and diagrams of our fights to try and figure out where things were going wrong! I was told it was me and I began to believe it was me 😢 It wasn't. Well, it was in the sense that my self esteem was non existent and I had no boundaries and was terrified of upsetting him.... I am now remarried to a grown up adult man who is patient and kind, who I can talk to about _anything_ without fear of being yelled at or shut down. 14 years with the first one and he never prioritized me. 2nd hubby does! We prioritize one another ❤

[@darleneengebretsen1468]

I quit my old codependent patterns and later that left me available when the right guy finally showed up in my life. Now I've been married to the best husband on earth for over ten years. He's gentle, patient, kind, loving, etc...

[@DawnStyleArt]

You know what worked for me when I faced that problem? I basically said “I’m going to tell you something, and this is what I need you to say after.” It may not be as authentic as I wanted but what actually happened was they saw a totally different way that conversation COULD go. I MODELLED healthy communication.

[@AlinaTowers]

How are you now? My husband isn’t a bad guy. I think he really tries..for a couple days. But it always goes back to the same cycle of him absorbed with work and time feel like I don’t exist. 17 years going through this cycle of me trying to communicate, him reacting and I feel worse, then him trying and forgetting and I feel worse. I feel like I should appreciate that he’s loyal, hard-working, even supportive, but after years of telling myself I can’t change him only me, my self-image is in the toilet.

[@JenOween]

​@@AlinaTowersI feel like I wrote this. Things have been shaken up in our marriage, but he says he's trying now. I guess he is. At least he listens more now and his actions have changed a bit for the positive. Decades of conditioning takes a lot of work on his part to change.

[@adamwoodcreations]

Brilliant. He was responding with what he knew. You provided another option that helps build on healthier communication

[@miss_whipps]

I tried that. He says "I was GOING to say that, you didn't give me a chance!" He found the chance to respond with a whole bunch of defensive invalidating blame shifting before I said anything, though. 🤦‍♀️🙄

[@PinkWytchBytch]

I tried that and he snapped at me to stop nitpicking his wording…

[@yaxairarodriguez4755]

I have tried everything. Counseling, self reflection, reading books, addressing things with I feel when you do this and my spouse checks off all those negative traits. I am trying to leave and cut the cord. Trauma bonding is rough 😢😢😢 Almost 20 years. I am not okay being in this relationship anymore. I've put up with this for too many years and it gets worse not better. Ty for all you do.

[@averagejane09]

If you are dealing with a normal guy, Alison Armstrong has some good information. Basically, equality should not be confused with sameness. We are different and see things differently. If you are dealing with an unhealthy man, this advice will be way less affective.

[@sydoly123]

Have you checked out conflict cure online? That one has helped to change the dynamics of my relationship however I was fortunate coz my hubby was willing to do the exercises with me. Reading "the proper care and feeding of marriage" and "empowered wife" has been very helpful too.

[@HaShomeret]

How are you doing now?

[@Potencyfunction]

It becomes a psyhological trauma. If the counseling did not understood from day one that your relation and yopur location is affecting you, than they are all in chain with delayed DNA. They all eat shit in the raw, for what ? What is the counceling for, you dont feel a "toatl hate " a total waste of time, you cant realize that you a harm for a person, that your results and consequences brings nothing good and positive out, on a strategic plan speaking-long time. This is long time harm, you are a toxic person, hard to be beared in a disscusion, in a relation ship. How many times you have to be told to leave, to let other live how they want, to not stay in the way of others hapiness, to not insist like a cancer mental ill.

[@liztucker429]

I find "trauma bond" is misused quite A LOT... Can you tell me what it means to you?

[@taftoli]

Yes, learning to actually practice this advice now that I'm coming out of an abusive marriage. You can't make someone go to counseling, and even if they do, it may not change them or the problems. They have to want to change first and for themselves, not for you or anyone else. You can stay and wait for some lightbulb moment, but in the meantime, you may not only become miserable but might even become like that selfish person in the relationship, and that's not good for others around you. Don't live in utter brokenness for someone else.

[@Discordia5]

Wow, this comment stood out. Very powerful words.

[@staciejean]

Damn.Thank you so so so much for making this video!!!! This video just completely described my marriage over the last 13 years. I just finally told him I cant do it anymore. Im 53 years old, scared, have health issues and havent worked in over a year and no secure place to go..and yet I KNOW this has to happen if im going to survive as a human. ❤

[@sandraramirez7495]

And you will. God be with you.

[@staciejean]

@@sandraramirez7495 thank you!

[@Applied_Pressure]

Proud of you! You will survive and ultimately thrive.

[@michellez664]

I am same age as you & have same fears. It's the main reason I stay.

[@neohermitist]

My wife and I are in that spot. We are in counseling but also have talked about divorce. If she thought she could leave and still live a good lifestyle, I'm sure she would've left by now. If there were no financial considerations in divorce a lot of marriages would end tomorrow.

[@firstlast3791]

OMG! The canoe analogy in a relationship is the best analogy I’ve ever heard somebody use to describe a relationship where only one person is doing the work! If one one person is doing the work, paddling, you’re just going to go in circles!

[@95GTSpeedDemon]

ever been in a canoe with your partner? they call them divorce boats for a reason. one person can do all the work they want, but if they dont do it correctly, you go in the wrong direction. they then get tired, then get mad at you because you either a) stop helping because you get tired of trying to compensate for them b) stop all together so maybe they will see that you arent the problem c) then do it yourself d) have the cycle repeat in some manor. 10yrs married. like 2-3 canoe trips and 1 kayak trip. not a single time we could get along the entire time. we needed counseling before we got married, and now with 2 kids, we need it even more. this shit is hard. as much as it would be easy to say "i wish i never got married/had kids", while i agree with the sentiment to a degree, i would not have grown as a person if had i not been in this boat that's full of water and wont move forward without alot of effort. i wish i didnt have this long ride back to shore. i either have to paddle and bail water from this boat or get out and swim on my own while holding two kids above water. neither is easy. thanks for letting me vent for a bit.

[@saramatwiejow8585]

Thank you for holding me accountable and calling me up to be who i am called to be despite the behavior of my husband, while also reminding me nothing is going to change if we continue on this path. Your right i am already alone and I have worth.

[@JimmyonRelationships]

I’m so sorry you’re in this spot :(

[@bianamcguire1544]

I now ask 'Do I want this for the rest of my life?'. It took me 25 years and 2 marriage counsellors to learn this and to understand that some people will not choose your relationship. Thank you for your videos.

[@LadieBjj]

The worse when the person, man or woman see you getting upset and they walk away. The resentment grows so much that we don’t even feel like having any contact. If your woman isn’t touching you, she has resentment built up.

[@rosej5029]

Please take into account the person may be walking away bc they know if they stay in the room they may something in the heat of anger that they can't take back.

[@brenonbalthar442]

OMG, you spoke directly to me here, Jimmy. I'm grateful though to hear you describe so many things that I am experiencing now. It made me feel understood and reflect even further. But still, I've heard from the man I love immensely that he doesn't have the energy to get over his 'anger issues.' He says he loves me, but not enough to let go of anything he wants to do... and things like that. How can I still want to be with him? How can I love someone who neglected me and felt no remorse, worse even, someone who said he would do it again? Do I not love myself? I thought I did, but how can I love him still, if not because I don't love myself? I think I have my reasons; I think I know the answer, but I must be wrong... everything tells me I'm wrong. But still, I love him and I'm willing... Today he went away, took all the colors along. Now I feel hurt, alone, wronged, angry, unloved, but mostly sad. What began as a thank you note is ending almost as sad as me... So if you'd be so kind, please tell me, how can I still want to be with him?

[@lilyrenee9834]

My husband will yell and scream at me, call me out of my name, and then a few hours later ask me if I need anything. Lol as if nothing ever happened. I am pregnant, emotional about baby, marriage and other things. He will always let me cry. Its like its a reward for him. He achieved watching me breakdown and suffer. I could never treat him the way he has treated me.

[@imaamericangirl1406]

I’m so sorry this happening to you right now. Sending hugs your way.

[@Middleagedmutantninjaturtle]

That's abuse. My husband has been that way for 11 years. It won't get better.

[@kaygerry]

Sounds bipolar

[@alexialira3839]

I'm sorry for the child that now has to grow up in a dysfunctional household because of the choices two adults made.

[@lilyrenee9834]

@alexialira3839 girl, you could've saved that smart ass insensitive comment. I feel sorry for you for trying to be a smart-ass cause I caught it.

[@melindastauffer2453]

There are so many gems of wisdom in your videos, but this one in particular I need to listen to repeatedly, especially the ending, I am taking notes! There is so much to reflect on and digest. I am coming to terms that my relationship may not be salvagable and I may need to walk away, you help give me the words to what I am experiencing and that helps me gain strength. I am almost 60 years old and leaving at this juncture in life without a good retirement plan (stay at home mom) and financial stability is rather scary, but living in a souless, neglegtful, toxic environment is a whole other kind of poverty that I just can't live with anymore....thanks for sharing, you help so many!!!

[@JimmyonRelationships]

I’m so so sorry you’re in that situation Melinda :(

[@debrallewis]

These advice is golden…not just for romantic relationships but also between adult children and their parents. Thank you.

[@lyndawilliamson3050]

My ex he puts more value on his grown adult children and his imaginary friends and not on me. In the beginning of our romance it was a whirlwind of love. But a few years passed and he started talking me for granted. He thought that I would put up with his selfishness. Of course he puts all the blame on me. I told him that it takes two people to make or break a marriage. I am his fourth wife. His other wives have noticed the same things that I have. He is selfish and does not care women’s needs.

[@Tctiffany]

I just made the comment of how parasitic parent-child relationship seem to be,😅. But I'm coming at it from a single parent of a now 8 year old, 😂. It's very interesting trying to use gentle parenting which uses a lot of adult relationship concepts... But when your kids really young... It's actually not that unhealthy for the child to have some narcissistic tendencies.

[@KB-ih5gf]

Well that sums up the last 18 years of my life exactly. Then I left. And now I’m healing but I didn’t realize how painful letting the anger out and accepting I’d lost 18 years of my life would be but it’s setting me free. I pray that I’m healed enough to run the first red flag I see if there’s ever a next time. Thank you Jimmy.

[@kristigreen3902]

Thank you, thank you for saying the hard stuff. Thank you for inviting me to ask myself "why do I feel unworthy of being prioitized?" Wow! It's truly is amazing how much we are the creators of our reality. Thank you

[@vster22]

You're so right . It took me so many years to realize I was allowed to ask for what I needed, and more years to find the words and the courage to tell my husband what I need. He didn't take it well, and that's not all on him, he was blind-sided, like you said. And he's trying to make me feel like he cares - do more things around the house, take on tasks when I need help. But he refuses counseling, thinks "actions speak louder than words", and so avoids actually talking. I feel like he wants to try, but wants to do it his way - which leaves me feeling again like I'm not being fully heard. I know this goes both ways - I just don't know if we can reconnect in the ways we both need.

[@ndavies9384]

Listening to Jimmy's videos and talking about them would have been a HUGE, relationship-changing help in my past marriage...WAY more helpful than any of the several counselors we tried. Maybe give it a go over his favorite meal or dessert.

[@crimsoncarnage5435]

Thank you for sharing this. So much truth. I ended a relationship recently with someone i loved, that i beleived had so much potential with the positive elements of the relationship but was toxic when it came to conflict. Expressing my feelings, even in a non blaming healthy way and being willing to explore both sides would result in defensive and aggressive behavior that he wasnt willing to or didnt know how to change. This even occured when the emotional support I needed was for problems in other areas of my life. My feelings were my problem, and mine alone. I tried for 3 years to change the way i approached issues, tried to understand him or him to underatand me with little progress. Not being able to share my feelings was one problem, but he also didnt feel safe sharing his. He avoided potential conflict until I shared something he percieved as being told he was bad or wrong, and then would explode with a combination of real issues and false accusations to avoid addressing whatever i was trying to communicate with him. Shifting to address his concerns wasnt helpful for him either and left me feeling neglected and more alone with him than without. The good times could never be enough to compensate for the abandonment i experienced when i was already struggling. The impact of those "betrayals" made me to realize the relationship could never be more than superficial if it wasnt a safe place to share our feelings. Life fills the space you make in your heart when you let go of things that are not meant for you. I feel like myself again. Knowing i did what i could to try to make it work builds me up because THAT is reflective of my character. One person cannot carry the relationship alone. I am ready to give the right person the love i also deserve to receive.

[@MaDarville]

Thank you for candidly sharing your journey. Your description is a powerful example of what too many women are going through. I hope you find true happiness.

[@calihew03]

Wow, your testimony is beautiful

[@alanakasem1723]

sounds exactly like my ex....i have low tolerance for this kind of shat

[@dachater1]

Thanks for sharing your story. I’m in a similar position now. We so enjoy each other’s company until conflict arises then I just find myself more alone and my emotions invalidated than ever before. How did you find the strength to leave?

[@combsaj]

I’ve worked through the truth of this. I lived in victim mode for many years, but finally took accountability for my co dependency, developed a voice and started to ask clear, difficult questions in a vulnerable way. The answers hurt like hell, but having the truth I had experienced for so long finally out in the open was freeing. I finally stopped trying to change him and accepted the death of our marriage. I asked for him to join me in rebuilding it but he was unwilling. I had the answers I needed to lay it down and walk away. I’m still working on my codependency and anxious attachment style and will continue to take accountability and improve. That’s my job and sure, I’m anxious about how my next relationship will go… but I’m finally healed enough to be grateful for my growth.

[@hayles5225]

My ex left me because this was our relationship, and he told me it was all my fault. I ended up being so shut down i couldnt leave the bedroom. I cried so much listening to this video. An emotional part of me still wants to be with him. The rational, adult part of me knows that he cant even begin to offer me what i want and need. It hurts so fkg much. Thanks for your honesty, Jimmy. I appreciate you.

[@GiannaG-kr3ws]

After some time and distance, you won't even feel anything about this person who has hurt you so much and broke your heart

[@raeorion]

Spent 10 years in an emotionally neglectful and, honestly, abusive relationship, all the while hoping I could love him into changing. I had myself convinced that if he could finally see what a loving and supportive partner I was that he'd have the safety to grow out of his immaturity and learn to trust and love in return. Eventually things got violent and I had to prioritize our kids over the hope he'd get better. No matter what excuses you're making for your partner, you're worth a better life. Codependent Anonymous meetings, talk to your friends and family, and have the guts to live. You're worth it.

[@terryvalleryii2721]

Same! I had this idea that if I showed my partner as much love and respect as I could, maybe he would love me back in time...then later I lower my expectations to hope that one day he would at least like me...then I lowered them to hope that he would at least respect me...then I lowered them again to hope that one day he would at least tolerate me...none of that ever happened. 1 year later from the breakup, I'm happy and he's miserable. Oh well!

[@YeppersItsMe]

I’m still here because I’m 8 months pregnant. He knows what I need and want, because he says it of his own accord during therapy, but he chooses not to follow through. I will not live this way forever.

[@darleneengebretsen1468]

If you bring your child into this relationship, the child will not benefit from it. Get out as soon as you can.

[@terryvalleryii2721]

This same sort of thing happened to me. He was able to fully understand where he was falling short and completely aware of how his failure to meet me halfway (Hell, even meet me 5% of the way) was breaking my heart...but he told me that it was an active choice he was making to not reciprocate the respect I was showing him. To know that I let a stranger who drew his self-worth from tearing me down sleep in my bed for years still makes me sick. I wish I had more self-respect to leave him as soon as he told me that I deserve respect, just not from him. To try to comfort me, he even went as far as to tell me how much he enjoys the things I do for him and that he hopes I find someone one day that is willing to do the same for me. What a piece of trash. It's now 1 year later from the break up. I haven't seen or spoken to him and, Lordy, I have never been happier!

[@still-life5015]

This is so true. Makes me sad that people do not own their side of things. Nobody has to be right or wrong, just heard and understood. I'm always very open to how my actions made my now ex feel but she would not listen to my feelings and in turn when I tried to talk to her she would pull away and create distance. This would make me pull in and then she would create more distance. This could have been worked though just by talking. Makes me very sad as I love her so much but I can not be in a relationship where we can not sit down and have a real conversation. I would do anything to work on a relationship but I feel that people now a days would rather walk away than work on their traumas together. Always after the first high and when things get real they feel its easier to walk away. Then just repeat, repeat, repeat. People try harder in the jobs, looking good and on social media than they do in their relationships. So sad.

[@worldbestalways]

I took a course to stop the fights. First advice was to stop saying bad things. This doesn't mean I dont feel angry. So many times I dont attack back, I shut up, but is obviously visible I am not very happy and I am upset. AND HE GETS ANGRY THAT I AM ANGRY!!! IT IS NIGHTMARE. I feel in a emotional prison getting tortured for my inner feelings

[@sylviaveith964]

Jimmy you are so spot on with advice. I wish I heard this 10 years ago and missed years of hurt. Now at last we are following this advice and are very happy. My husband and I look at you videos daily

[@koellekind]

Aww it warms my heart that you watch the videos together! Good for you both!❤😊

[@queenprotein]

Your ability to break things down and explain things plainly is remarkable. You empathize and make people accountable at the same time. You help me put words to my hurts and it has given me strength to move away from those that aren’t good for me. God bless you❤

[@delmiradinis729]

Damn! That's a slap on the ❤! I'll just humble myself and process what I've heard. So much wisdom and educational communication. 🙌🏽 You transmitted more courage than a man running after a lion! I'm grateful for this content.

[@edenjennings8395]

Your right. I've been stuck in this toxic cycle almost 2 decades. I have neglected and betrayed myself as much as they have in doing so. Hope is great, until it isn't.

[@danadecore6872]

Narcissists take EVERYTHING AS CRITICISM it’s beyond AVOIDANCE! I’ve tried EVERYTHING! Gave up! The damage effects every cell in my body! I’d rather get struck by lightning, drown in a tsunami, burn in a forest fire because at least it would be NATURAL! This is debilitating 😢

[@JimmyonRelationships]

I'm so so sorry Dana. I can feel this heartache =(

[@JenAmigo]

Some men need a divorce and an empty bed and McDonalds for a few months to turn around. If he doesn’t - you’re free.

[@vivifleur9528]

@@JimmyonRelationships hope not too much.

[@truthbetold543]

I love you so much. I love you!😢😢😢😢

[@JenniferBrown-hm4sx]

Jimmy. I listened to this over and over. Took notes Took to heart. I hear and feel your passion to help others. And then I sat down with those notes. Reread. And just cried. I see and acknowledge my role in attracting and maintaining the toxic dance of my precious relationships. My anxious to their avoidant. Or the swinging wildly to a narcissistic abuser. Because of my shame. I can’t be free until I free myself. Thank you so much for your vulnerability and realness in all your videos. I value you so much

[@CrewCoachHeather]

Jimmy, I needed this video so badly. Thank you for reminding me that I’m human, and I deserve and need better. I followed the steps you describe. Unfortunately, my husband chose to leave instead of fight for our relationship. So we are getting divorced, but because of videos like these I am ok with that. I know I did everything I could, and was willing to continue to try, but not with someone who wouldn’t prioritize me. I don’t feel the shame I would have felt if it weren’t for videos like this one. And now my one gripe… you don’t row a canoe! A canoe is paddled. I’m a rowing coach, so it’s a personal pet peeve of mine. I love the idea of what you were trying to say there. Just don’t spread the false idea that you row facing the direction you’re traveling.

[@jennip8585]

I've never commented on one of your videos before, but WOW!!! ❤️ I HAVE SUCH A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF RESPECT FOR YOU RIGHT NOW!!!! Tell it like it is💞

[@ViviAnneClark-jo6vi]

Thank you Jimmy! Seriously! I'm very recently not in my relationship anymore, I wish I had known this 10 years ago, I couldve saved myself all the grief. Jimmy, you have helped me understand that I'm not a monster, we just didn't work together. 💕

[@prayingforyou100]

You are helping so many! I think your videos really make sense in helping my husband and I in our marriage issues. Very very well done!

[@GreenTurtle181]

"I'm not going to fight alone". Absolutely. There's only so long you can be the only one fighting for this relationship.

[@brianfoster3615]

My ex-wife would wall off and push me away but then complain that I didn’t open up more with her. Then, when I would try to share or be vulnerable, she would say “Is this the face of someone who cares?! No! Talk to someone else.” So glad we’re done, but sad that she doesn’t see how her actions and attitude affect others as well as how her actions and attitude are directly affecting her health.

[@rymaru2138]

Ugh...

[@user-uu3us9ys4q]

Because she probably has this stage in her cicle were you suppose to go throw her rejection to prove she can trust you and open up or she has no healthy way to give this previous bad feeling away other than pushing them into you. It might help if you put your vulnerability away for that period and let her push a little because than she might calm down and actually talk. So you initiate, close down for a while and let her throw things into shell, then open up and try to talk again. Or even apologize. Not trying to say you did it wrong, just giving some point of view on different patterns. May be it help.

[@cassiebennet4262]

Wow what a vicious, brutal thing to say. These stories are so heartbreaking.

[@boooootch]

The hard truth is, when you stay in these relationships… It is much worse than being alone. You are stuck in a constant limbo loop… a small flicker of hope combined with a constant frustration and resentment mode. It is torturous, yet fear keeps us there. We must break out of it.

[@marigordon-rayborn3407]

Add something positive to your life. Start a new hobby, maybe take a class in a subject you like, volunteer, or take a walk in your own neighborhood. Start building up you. Go online, if going to a counselor is not possible, make the clunsellearn everything you can to make it work and then take this advice if it doesn't. Join an online group

[@pamahess5353]

Would love a video that explains why when you talk about feelings or cry they go dead pan, or turn away? How they can listen to you cry yourself to sleep?

[@JimmyonRelationships]

That’s a good idea. Stonewalling can be so destructive :(

[@shannonrowland6803]

My ex-husband would just say "That's not going to work on me" when our arguments resulted in my tears. The pain that brought me to tears was just dismissed as a manipulation tool. It just made him shut down and ignore me. I'm so glad I left that marriage. No regrets. I've never been as happy and personally content as I am now, single at 58 years old.

[@letsgobrandon416]

If a man has never been exposed to healthy female interactions - AKA a terrible mother and/or sister - he likely only knows women crying as a manipulation tool. Thus instead of learning how to properly communicate with women, he's stuck with only knowing how to communicate with men, and men see crying as weakness in other men, so when he sees you cry, he as only two buckets to place crying into "weakness" or "manipulation". If that is all he knows, it's impossible for him to see your crying as genuine hurt, because he doesn't cry when he's hurt, only children do that, and your not a child, so that won't register. As to why he can ignore you crying yourself to sleep, from his perspective he doesn't have a choice. Men have to be able to put up with crap and just proceed with life as if nothing happened. From your perspective, you are devastated crying yourself to sleep. From his perspective you are just trying to be annoying and emotionally nagging. Tuning you out is the easiest thing to do, and he knows you'll "give up" eventually and fall asleep. Is it right? No, but he likely has no other means of processing your behavior. You also can't teach him when you are upset, that conversation has to be had when everyone is emotionally sober. And if you can't talk to him when you are both emotionally sober, I really have to ask why you married him in the first place. THAT is a massive red flag.

[@Emailstome99]

@@shannonrowland6803 I've been dealing with this exact nightmare for 25 years

[@kimmarieburt1313]

My husband always walked away at the first tear. I know now it was because he was in foreign territory and had no idea how to help. He’d go into a shame spiral about what a terrible husband he was which only kept him focused on himself and unable to be there for me. He needs to learn “imago”.

[@markcollins1012]

You have to own that you chose someone who isn’t completely healthy. That’s what I have done. Relationships with people who don’t care about your feelings don’t work. Either they fall apart or you are eternally miserable. Work on yourself and let go of people who are content being toxic.

[@katjongeward7155]

we were fooled and lied to. they acted great while dating.

[@stormysackett2266]

​@katjongeward7155 everyone hides their flaws while dating. If you think uou were fooled, so were they. Nobody is perfect and everyone has toxic traits and reactions sometimes. People always show you who they really are if you take the time to actually pay attention. But most of us get so wrapped up that we see and promptly ignore the red flags, especially when we are on the high of NRE.

[@alexialira3839]

@katjongeward7155 No, you fooled yourself and lied to yourself. You didn't take your time to get to know them. You decided to ignore red flags or your gut feeling. You didn't fix your self esteem issues or any childhood traumas that made you attracted to and keep someone like him. Similarity breeds liking. Both of you have unresolved issues and that's why you were magnets to each other. If you keep pointing the finger at others, you will choose someone else that's exactly like him or you'll end up single, but the type of single that is bitter and starts telling younger ones to not trust men/women, that they're all the same and start telling others to leave their spouses over the most insignificant thing. I've made dumb decisions in dating when I was in my early 20s. I always put the blame on the guy. Then I grew up, matured and realized: a. Bad people will always exist and b. I was choosing them. I was choosing to stay. I took responsibility for my actions and began a quest to heal myself. It's not an overnight thing. Now I can spot a toxic individual a mile away and haven't entertained any in years. It's so liberating to no longer play the victim card.

[@ineedhoez]

The reason why you chose somebody who was unhealthy is because you are unhealthy too!!!! Healthy people don't stay in relationships where their needs are not getting met!!! The reality is that the giver / codependent / self-love deficit disorder suffer, does not love themselves enough and they are terrified of being alone. They'd rather stay in an abusive situation then be alone. That's the real.

[@ineedhoez]

​@@katjongeward7155and when they revealed their true colors, why did you stay?

[@StarFan986]

My absolute favourite post Jimmy, ringing all the bells! Thank you & so grateful how you explain this so well. In a 23 year relationship (13:years married) to a man I have tried in every way to show me some level of depth & connection only to be met with stone walls, blaming & silence. I know what I need to do.

[@Nikforallthesereasons]

Oh thank goodness you ended this video the way you did. I used to get triggered by the concept that it takes two to tango. That I needed to look at my role. I had exhausted every change I could possibly make. I had tried every possible way to open conversation, and regardless of how I handled myself in those conversing, he simply refused to participate. Ultimately I took responsibility for my contribution to the toxicity, and left. Best decision I ever made for both of us and our kids. ❤️

[@neohermitist]

This is one of the few marriage videos where it is made clear that if the other person needs to change but doesn't then you need to think clearly about what do about staying in the relationship.

[@rebeccahbare]

I think there is a lot of fear that there are not men out there that know how to respect, pursue, kindness, etc. I’m married to a man that the vast majority of people would describe as an incredibly kind and wonderful person and he can be! But what someone looks like from outside of a relationship isn’t always what it looks like from the inside. He is finally in counseling this year and trying EMDR and there is hope. We’ve done counseling together too and it’s usually helpful for awhile. We’ll probably do it again soon as well but I felt this past year we weren’t going to get further without doing some self work.

[@broco6608]

I have no fear of knowing there are few men who are emotionally and mentally mature - I have several immature men in my family. It is what it is. Just praying God gives me the strength and discernment to keep avoiding these types of folks and to take care of myself.

[@darleneengebretsen1468]

My husband and I did EMDR for non- marriage issues. ( Our marriage was and still is great. ) The EMDR was helpful, as well as attending a 12 - step group and reading their books.

[@sherrigerhardt1348]

The key part of this helpful video is in the first 20 seconds of the video. How to communicate to your partner in a "HEALTHY" way. It's learning a new language sometimes. Always and Never are regular words in my vocabulary that triggers my spouse! Trying to better on my part which is the only thing I can control.

[@JimmyonRelationships]

Love this!

[@Did-Ye-Aye]

Yo Jimmy! You explained my situation perfectly and it's really helped me out but this can happen to men too. I've done everything I possibly can in my relationship. I got sober, did therapy, took steps to move from anxious to secure, set boundaries but my wife didn't like it. I suggested marriage counselling and everything else I could think of to make this work but she doesn't want to know, I can't get a straight answer out of her. Yet, I still doubt myself and want to make things work. You hit the nail on the head when you said, 'incompatible with relationship success.' but don't leave the fella's out of this. It's not always the man who is emotionally distant, it might be more common but it's not the case in my situation and I needed your message as much as anyone.

[@TDiaz1111]

Well articulated/delivered/edited, as always. I'm in a very 3+-year healthy relationship--FINALLY!-lujah!--but I watch your videos because they're incredibly validating regarding my past poor choices in relationships. Also, the KZbin shorts where you play the couple and sometimes also a therapist and switch back and forth in the same vid - so entertaining! I applaud you for the self-examination and healing you pursued in your marriage and that you did something positive in the difficult challenge of that situation by creating this channel 👏🏻

[@ae6888]

I’ve been on the brink for so many years in this relationship, basically gaslighting myself into thinking he will change. The only times I feel like I’m receiving the love and care I deserve Is when I’m in crisis (loved ones passing or when I’m sick). Every other day, it’s less than the bare minimum of attention out participation on the home. He has spent **thousands** of hours doing research on his own hobbies and obsessions, and not one on improving our relationship or intimacy challenges. We have the same fights every few months and very little has changed. I’m bringing some problems into this dynamic, to be sure! But I’m also the only one who’s trying to find a solution, and it’s exhausting trying to make a relationship work on my own while feeling taken for granted and neglected.

[@keennickolas8575]

I always had to tell that to people in my life: "If I am the only one fighting for this relationship, then we have already lost!" I know, it IS possible to rebuild! But it needs BOTH PEOPLE!

[@i..am..]

I was with an avoidant. I did everything I could and in the end I realized we were incompatible. He doesn't want to spiritually grow and I do, I realized I needed to move on when his friends attacked me and he had absolutely zero instinct to protect me because of our fractured relationship. Also because he was a coward he was incapable of having any opinions based in reality. It's sad he's a weak man, no wonder he was single till I met him at 27. I didn't pick up on his weaknesses in our long distance relationship, by the time I moved to be with him I was trapped financially. I'll never try to change a man again. If he's not naturally right for me I'll just stay single. I don't have the energy to deal with a manchild again.

[@brickellvoss7739]

This makes me feel good about leaving my husband. I learned so many new skills in communication just for him. I was trying to tackle and beat my negative traits that didn't line up with the moral ideals I created for myself. Once I realized I was feeling alone I left him. He asked why and I said: I feel alone so I might as well be alone. To this day he still doesn't understand. We have be separate/divorced for over a decade. He looks happy in his current relationship and she seems to have a lot of loving family who can meet a lot of her emotional needs. Me and his other wives didn't have much support so we had more needs to be met and I think it was too much for him since he didn't even seem in touch with his own feelings how the hell was he going to be supportive of someone who was feeling too much due to PTSD in childhood.

[@MochaZilla]

Sounds like you put a huge expectation on him to be your emotional stability from your own past traumas. No shame or attack here, but you need to resolve your emotional traumas and not expect someone else to be your foundation. Thats a revipe for trouble

[@brickellvoss7739]

@@MochaZilla no I asked him to go to therapy with me because our communication broke down and I wanted to learn how to communicate better as a team. That is what I asked. I understood I needed my own personal therapy. But I asked my husband to help support me and get started because I was having a hard time. Just like how he asked for my help to reconnect with her daughter from his first marriage and I supported that and we moved half way across the country. How about ask more clarifying questions before you assume.

[@brickellvoss7739]

@@MochaZilla I left him and helped myself alone. I was always going to put the work in on myself. But he clearly thought I was faking it all fully well knowing that my own mother in her high and drink state pulled a gun on me because she hated me for being the child of my father (something I had no choice or say about). Again I asked my husband for HELP not hey fix me. Hey help me start since the depression is so hard on me I have no will. If that's too much emotional support then something is clearly wrong with him. I supported him with all the choices he made. And every time he asked for my help I supported him. But when it was my turn I was too needy? Huge expectation my fucking ass. This isn't an attack but I'm gonna assume you are the problem.

[@laurenbatson5918]

Thank you so much. I needed to hear a MAN say that I'm worthy of all of those things. I've been asking my pastor to say that, as a child of God, I'm worthy of those things. He won't say it because (I think) that he can't imagine that my husband (who he thinks he knows) would tell me otherwise. I actually said "this isn't sustainable" TWO FREAKING YEARS ago. If I step outside of this relationship I can so clearly see what "wife" should do (should-based on my moral/value framework). I finally heard, "no, you're not crazy" from someone this week and it felt like something inside me became fortified or strengthened. This video did the same thing. Thank you for saying what I know are basic truths. I'm finally ready to stand firm in them. (If that makes sense.)

[@darleneengebretsen1468]

Most pastors have zero clues in how to do marriage counselling.

[@heathergreyart]

💯 I understand you... Although we care so deeply, they make it adamantly clear that they do not.. So hurtful. I took care of him in his time of need. Mine left on a business trip when I was in the hospital having seizures/medical issues (I would have gone to help as we work together, but he just left letting me know that he was mad that I kept him awake vomiting (nobody wants to be sick. I didnt do it to myself, yet he was mad at me like I did it to him, not that it was happening to me!) he didnt believe me, therefore punished me with abandonment👌, he understands my childhood issues with my mostly absent mother who used to ditch her kids whenever or leave my father..) then had the nerve to text my father that I was faking my illness, the illness which is painfully real, & he cant be bare to be around.. 🤦‍♀️ No consideration.. full neglect. My parents were not a good example of marriage, but yet they are appalled at how I "let him treat me"... Sorry to ramble, I'm sending love your way - I feel for you all going through this, we all deserve so much better 💌

[@darleneengebretsen1468]

He's a friggin' putz.

[@ilovesunvalley]

This is GOLDEN. It’s exactly where I am. Al-Anon principles have helped me own the fact I can only control my response and my words. (Outside of that is a big fat nothin’ burger.) It is still frustrating how quickly I feel angry when invalidated. But this is childhood related. (Not being understood or allowed to make my choices for my values.) Jimmy you are true GOLD. I have turned so many pals onto your channel. Including my therapist friends!!! Please keep this amazing content coming. P. S. Loved this: “well we can all close in prayer now. Dear Lord…WHY?” 😂😂😂

[@ndavies9384]

Thank you! You speak truth. So validating for me...this was my past relationship and it was when I realized that I mattered, I had the courage to leave. He was unwilling to hear anything I had to say or make any change for YEARS!

[@amyp9010]

This is free therapy for everybody ,bless your hearts

[@ry2yb]

Indeed!

[@DS-hq1um]

I just discovered you yesterday. Today, I've watched about 20 of your videos and I'd like to stop crying now. Although you've never met me, you articulate exactly how I'm feeling - video after video. Whether this relationship survives or not, I look forward to learning about my role in relationship dynamics.

[@elainejohnson4277]

Let me just say I am a huge supporter and believer in your mission of helping relationships in the way you do. You are a wise and bold and gracious man and may you always know that just as much as there are those who kick back every time you give wise words to apply, there are just as many of us who are very grateful for all you do and bring to the healing table. Many blessings to you and your wife and family! Salute!

[@jessicablackwood3996]

Your insight is so nice to hear! I hear from people all the time where the only value they put into themselves is if they are wanted by someone else, and when their partner treats them poorly they feel worthless. I really hope they see your videos because people need to understand how to communicate with their partners.

[@dreamgirldana]

This is pure gold! That’s the answer to all relationship questions I ever had. Thank you! ❤

[@DLRS1]

My husband does give me what I need, but he gets resentful about it. I try, but it’s so often something trivial I’ve said or done makes him try to hurt and insult me. Other times he’s ever so kind and thoughtful. It’s wrecking my head 😢

[@ericanderson3961]

I found you tonight and everything you said is everything I'm going through. I feel so lost then I see you and I see that other people are going through the same thing. You really helped me tonight. Thanks so so much

[@melissiaroberts3565]

Wow, your videos are so on point. We have been married for 28 years and you are describing us for sure but i am determined to work towards growing and doing better. Thank you please keep posting and teaching. I for one need it and Im grateful.

[@tajmahal9885]

Thank you so much for explaining from a professional angle what so many have tried to illustrate. Often times we are labeled dramatic for saying exactly so, but you have given us confidence that reality is such as you described. Thank you!

[@JimmyonRelationships]

I know Those labels hurt :(

[@user-zn4wl4qc7n]

OUTSTANDING!!! everything about this video is spot on! As the woman who has done this for years and is now in counseling together with my husband to try and make the changes needed to keep the relationship, i love everything you said. You deserve a book deal or an award or something because this was absolutely stellar and i can thank you enough for putting it out to the world. stay strong to weather the angry comments because we need you out there!

[@jencomito8957]

This is why it's so critical to make a wise choice when getting married.

[@Spamulotapus]

Thank you. I think your analogy makes a lot of sense. As I said a week and a half ago in a comment on a different video of yours, yesterday I flew across the country to my new life, not living with my partner of 16 years who wouldn't therapy with me or move much past our chronic issues in ways other than being in disagreement. I wish that I'd been able to say as clearly what you said at the end here to him (my gf says I did well being clear and trying from different non-blamey angles), but I did try as well as I could. Today is literally the first day of my future. Sad, scary, hopeful and appreciative My process was made of many things, but one was your videos. You helped me. Thank you. .

[@GG-nf6gf]

This is pure gold, thank you!!

[@natishaking650]

I have watched several of your short clips and videos. Thank you. Thank you for helping to confirm that I am not crazy with what I had been dealing with. Everything you've explained and laid out that a person will say/do when he/she doesn't care is accurate. And that's the hardest part to swallow, accepting that he never genuinely cared as I did. It was real for me but a game for him. And listening to this video now, you are correct. I also had to acknowledge and accept that the issues would continue if I took no action to stop them. I've already tried relaying how I felt because of "xyz," and when he repeated for the (about) 7th time in 2 1/2 yrs that he does not care about my feelings and he will not change for anything or anyone, I heard AND listened. I always say that when a person continues to repeat something, there is actual truth in what is repeatedly being said. Hearing my husband say, again, that he doesn't care about my feelings and won't, what I elect to do is on me. If I stayed, I have no right to continue to complain because I am choosing to accept less and tolerate disrespect. It won't change. He wouldn't/won't choose us and will always choose himself. Well, okay, so this time I chose me. I won't count on him, but I definitely count on me. Your videos have really helped me though, getting through this crappy time. Regardless, it was real for me and it's an ending and I will bury what I need to in order to move on. So, thank you. You've really helped. Love your videos.

[@jennielamgibson]

The feelings of frustration and confusion in my problemed marriage are perfectly put into words here. I experienced chronic cognitive dissonance, falling down a spiraling pit year after year in my marriage. His addiction made it more challenging. It required my experiencing this to learn my worth. Thank you Jimmy.

[@uoughta923]

20 years of asking him to care about my feelings and him saying that all i was saying was he was a piece of shit. Him never taking it seriously for more than a couple days. I learned how to see it, that i was dying of thirst and yet returning to a dry well. It's not even his fault it's dry, not completely. The patriarchy does untold damage to men too... by not encouraging them to have emotional maturity. But it doesn't matter why the well is dry... I'll die of thirst just the same. I learned to defend my boundaries, get my needs met best as i can in other ways, and i moved out. I still care about him, encourage him, offer him assistance... but it's so good to be able to "go home" whenever I'm disrespected and don't feel like giving any more. I've sent him your videos, Jimmy... and it first he got super defensive and was complaining why would he watch a bunch of videos that just said he was a piece of shit... And I said that's funny because the videos are primarily about the fact that he thought exactly that, that you used the same words he always uses about himself . after a few days he finally watched the videos and he told me he liked the way you talked and he thought they were good. So, it was nice to see a glimmer of change in him...i don't think we will ever have a marriage and I'm ok with that. I mourned it years ago. But anything that helps him grow to be healthier and happier, I'm grateful for. Thank you for your videos Jimmy

[@annamarietaljaard1193]

This is exactly what I have experienced for years! He never deals with everything that matters and is not willing to change! So tired of this situation.

[@mpowerzzzz77]

You're getting a big hug if i ever meet you. This is spot on. She beat me down worse than drugs and alcohol did. I know i kinda felt like this already, but she made me feel totally worthless. I'm a good, likable person, and lots of people feel that way about me. Just not the person i tried to create a life with. 😢

[@kathybrokos160]

Hi Jimmy, one thing I learned about relationships is that if the 2 people who want to be together are not whole in themselves, meaning they have been to therapy, know about their dysfunctional family dynamics, their own created dysfunctional behavior due to growing up in a dysfunctional childhood home, the relationship will be the testing ground for all unresolved issues. I’ve learned so much in ACA (Adult Children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families) and how a person should have been parented in a healthy childhood home. Truthfully, who on this planet grew up in such a home? Right? So we are all learning, hopefully. Also CoDA is great for helping people overcome codependent behavior. I value your content and really see you and hear you. It’s great to see a man in a place of reflection and emotional growth. There are too many “boys” out there in a man’s body. 😊

[@Libelluele]

Great video! Thank you! Been there. What I've learned: What you see is what you got. Don't believe it's gonna change. It won't. What you don't walk away from, you are choosing. You are responsible, not victim. You can't choose neglect and abuse and then complain. If it's not making you happy, don't complain. Leave. If you can't leave, look at into why. Are you afraid of being alone? Face that.

[@user-dk6bp4lz1g]

I've been in this relationship for over a decade. One where I tell him hey this made me feel... and then it blows up.

[@JimmyonRelationships]

I would imagine that doesn’t lead to very much connection and closeness :(

[@annabelbraganza4794]

You are right. It needs kindness, compassion, empathy and compassion

[@alyssaharland7967]

This is SO profound and the reality is that a healthy relationship can only happen when both show up taking personal responsibility for SELF…… you hit the nail on the head on this!!!!!!! YASSSS The hard part and reality for a lot of women is the courage to say NO when the reality is that it will not going anywhere because a parasite does not choose to change. God give wisdom and courage to all grow and stand up for what is right.

[@KB-ih5gf]

This is the best video I have seen on this topic. Last year I left my partner after seventeen years of trying, years of counselling and courses and still only making the tiniest steps forward. He said it was always something with me and that every time he did something for me I raised the bar. I couldn’t get the bar off the ground and now I’m working on breaking the trauma bond because I still feel like I care. 😢

[@lucyeaston109]

19 years and considering this😢

[@ChristineTX]

Same, it’s a never ending cycle. I’ve pleaded with my husband to go to counseling for YEARS and he refuses saying I’m the one with the problems. It’s impossible to work with someone like that.

[@PatiencewithSpirit]

How do I know I'm not crazy or being too sensitive....some times I wonder why I care so much....also I often feel an able to express myself properly in an elevated emotional state not anger but when I am being attacked verbally I find it impossible to push words out of my mouth...it's like a dream where you want to talk but can't... powerlessness

[@JimmyonRelationships]

I think when anyone is being attacked verbally this will create some sort of protective response in us. Fight flight or freeze. You’re experiencing freeze. It’s normal. What needs to be addressed is that you don’t deserve to be attacked verbally, ever.

[@Emailstome99]

i get verbally attacked with loud screams and yelling when I say our house is moldy, I have a chronic lung and breathing problems, we need to remediate this, then I am told I did the attacking. How can I be attacking when I didn't raise my voice, I never blamed anyone for the mold, the house was already moldy when we bought it, all I am feeling is regret that the house is making my health issues a lot worse. then I am told if I don't like any of it, that I should leave. married 25 years, I found out about this side of his personality once I started getting very sick about 7 years ago.

[@cullberry]

@@Emailstome99 How sad. You're health and wellbeing are important. I hope you're health and relationship are improving. Where I live mold is very common. One thing I've learned is that English ivy is a remarkable air purifier. I think I read that it can remove 75% of mold spores as well as other impurities. (It also makes a very effective laundry soap) I bet there are other house plants that would help to give you cleaner air to breathe. The best search engine for finding holistic healing information rhymes with index and starts with Y- the algorithm dislikes it and you'll understand why but it's a wonderful resource. Take care and good luck💕

[@raentrieve]

@@Emailstome99 That is horrible, if I was there and I had anywhere else to go, I would go. You do not deserve to be verbally attacked, and you especially do not deserve to be yelled at, and you do not deserve to have your physical needs neglected like they are clearly being. No one does. :(

[@origamikiddo2625]

O M G. Thank you for this video. You explain everything so well. The canoe analogy really helped illustrate what is going on in relationships like this. And the movement that happens when only one person is doing the work is going around in circles.

[@krb2448]

It took some very harsh words from a male friend for me to finally wake up. I suffered through a period of time where it was brought to my attention I had dissociative amnesia and then diagnosed with PTSD for things that happened when I was young. I "married my abuser" essentially. Through that period I was dismissed, told I had mental problems not like anyone in his family (alcoholic father to start), I was gaslite, he turned me against my family it was awful, but I stayed. He had put his hands on me a few times also. My life was one repeating cycle of shame. I've been in therapy for years, he went for a while, and it was suggested we see therapists separately, but all he did was complain about me. I never did enough, I never made enough money which was the crux of a lot of the issues. We have 4 kids and I worked part time and then some throughout the marriage. He went back to school and I supported him. He lost job after job and I worked more, still taking care of kids and doing the majority of the chores and cooking. Only now that the kids are older and 2 years of divorce proceedings has he taken interest in doctors and dental appointments, school events or conferences, etc. He lies continously about me to my kids, it's awful. I have to move out because it's his house which he's always thrown in my face. Enough is enough and I need to care for my own emotional, physical, and mental well being. Let this be a lesson, some people are not capable of self improvement. I know my faults, but if no one is willing to listen to you, then there's a problem.

[@carlawilliams6730]

I'm reading a lot of comments about this video "helping" people to be okay leaving their relationship. I'm only reading a few comments about anyone who was able to navigate through this challenge (as either the anxious or avoidant). I'd like to hear more success stories, as I need hope, as we ARE taking baby steps and I have hope, not just despair 🥰

[@koushalyag3608]

2 years ago, I had hope. I realized I'm not being heard but I didn't want to end the relationship. But, I knew I needed space. So I moved out and did long-distance. I thought that the distance might make the heart fonder. 10 months in, a fight turned particularly ugly and they refused to contact me for a fortnight! That gave me quite the scare. But also made me think, maybe it wasn't so bad to lose them after all. A year ago, I moved back in. Because I still had hope. I let them take me to therapy and treat me like I needed to be fixed. Six months ago, the therapist told them down and explained that it was against his ethics. That his job was to help people who sought it, not fix people who didn't need fixing. So if they need help, they should seek it instead of asking for me to fixed. That was the last time they set eyes on that therapist. Now, I no longer have the energy to work on this relationship. Because I'm the only one rowing. But I still have hope. Because they said they want to row the boat with me, just that our rowing styles are very different. I plan to move out again soon. I need to nurse myself to strength. I need to care for myself. I need to build my social support system. I need to find my joy again. Once I feel strong enough, I will try again to communicate. I don't know when that will be. But I will always have hope. I'm sorry, but that's the best hope I can give you.