My Husband Isn’t the Man I Married (How Do I Love Him?)

My Husband Isn’t the Man I Married (How Do I Love Him?)
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[@karaa7595]

I was married to someone who told me he didnt respect me or admire me about anything and just wiped his dirty shoes all over my already abused soul. Best decision I ever made was divorcing him. We had no kids THANK GOD. 25 yrs later he's divorced again and I've been married to a loving, hardworking man who is a great dad. Pray for Marie. 😢

[@alluringbliss4165]

good for you.

[@rachelmaddowswife8713]

Wow, thank god you got out with no kids. I think unfortunately a lot of these men are crafty and suppress their abusive tendencies until after the woman is trapped with kids. The guy in this call is clearly calculated, he says "what are you gonna do about it" because he knows it's much harder for her to leave now than it was when they were just dating, or newly married with no kids.

[@karaa7595]

@@alluringbliss4165 thank you. It wasn't an easy decision bc ironically I didn't believe in divorce but I just couldn't do to a child what had been done to me. I swear this guy I married seemed solid when I chose to marry him. He's a classic Jekyll and Hyde case. Probably sociopathic.

[@karaa7595]

@@rachelmaddowswife8713 in our case he suppressed them until after the wedding vows. He truly believed he could do anything to me and I wouldn't leave him. 🙄🥴

[@Eta544]

@@rachelmaddowswife8713But she can leave his kids with him.. only then will he see her value..

[@Dutches-so3di]

He abuses her because he knows she doesn’t have anyone that could help her. I feel bad for her. May she find the strength to do it.🙏

[@crazeekids9744]

He wants out, but he’s too cowardly to admit it. He’s trying to make things as difficult for her as he can hoping she will leave.

[@Chalk89]

Whether he leaves or she leaves, how does that benefit him?

[@crazeekids9744]

@@Chalk89 it may not financially, but will help him “save face”. Makes him the “victim” in the situation.

[@rosiebottom3870]

​@@Chalk89 so he can be the good guy and say she left him - it's an old trick.

[@flyandshy00]

I had same exact thought!

[@Chalk89]

I'm sorry but society has taught us that men are the culprit in divorce hence the reason why women so often get custody of the children despite regardless how unfit the mother is.@@crazeekids9744

[@InDirectDiana]

He's abusive. She hasn't realized it yet. But she is starting to... this is so tough 💔. John said there is something else going on... she doesn't know it's abuse, because she doesn't have words for it. I hope she gets the help and courage she needs.

[@muma6559]

they are such good points. In the fog you can't even put words to what is happening. Abuse. Been there.

[@ericalashan1923]

I knew I was on my way to healing when I said the word out loud to a close friend. Shame keeps u silent.

[@wf4983]

I'm heartbroken. She already knows she has to leave

[@angelafair6492]

Yea, me too … hurting for her.

[@taylortisaac]

Ok, she’s from Provo Utah, married with four kids. Provo is more than 90% all Mormon, members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She mentions that they grew up in the same religion. 100% chance they are LDS/Mormon. And an LDS marriage has some different levels to it that make it different from other marriages, as far as living your values goes. Dr Delony keeps telling her that the values aren’t the problem, it’s the respect. Where yes, I agree that respect is obviously an issue, an LDS marriage rarely survives when one spouse starts changing their core values. The marriage is built on those values.

[@court2166]

The values are definitely the problem here. Members of the church build their whole lives around their standards and beliefs. He's devastated his beliefs are crumbling, and he's mad at the church. She's devastated he's turning away from the church, and sad that he feels this way. Go up and ask 10 people in Salt Lake what happened to their family. This is common.

[@wendyrojascook]

As a member of the LDS faith, I completely agree. It’s a lot more complex than people realize, when our whole lives are built and centered around our faith. I’m not saying it’s impossible to keep a marriage together if one spouse leaves the church, but it does make it harder.

[@ineedhoez]

Even if his values did change and, let's say he became an atheist, it doesn't account for him treating her poorly. Your relationship may not be able to survive but it doesn't mean that you abuse your partner.

[@taylortisaac]

@@ineedhoez oh 💯 agree

[@coolwater55]

He said "views are not the problem". Values has a whole different other meaning. Respect is a value. Believing in a religious concept or not is a view.

[@emmaphilo4049]

Aaaaah it's so annoying when men go for marriage and 4 kids (4!) and then starts resenting their wives for a life THEY have chosen and THEY also wanted to get into (be it because they do it for religion, they were raised to believe that's what they should do etc etc) I want John to talk to the husband. Please do John if you can.

[@aislcsales]

Do you cook dinner every night on time? Is the house clean and organized? Are you more than 20 pounds overweight? Do you make an effort to please him? No? Most American women are useless but demand so much

[@evanl889]

There is always two sides to this. He should talk to the husband cause she may be just calling in for validation and could be embellishing everything.

[@shachede6828]

@@evanl889embellish what?

[@rachelmaddowswife8713]

I mean, I've heard of cases where women don't really love the guy, they just wanted to be married and become a mother by a certain age, or their parents pressured them, and then they can't keep up the facade of liking the guy anymore and the relationship falls apart. A female coworker who divorced her husband admitted to me that she never loved him, she just wanted a baby. It's pretty shitty to be that dishonest with someone. Statistically there are more abusive husbands than wives though.

[@randybobandy9828]

​@@shachede6828 well she wasn't necessarily embellishing but John sure was reaching.. he threw out wild assumptions of the husband.

[@FreeAgent797]

An important thing people need to know when they are in a relationship, whether it be boyfriend/girlfriend, best friends or a marriage, is that once the respect is gone, nothing else matters. You gotta cut that person loose at all cost. It doesn't matter how much they claim to love you. It's only going to get so much worse.

[@bunniewood]

Yes contempt is already there. Once there is contempt in the relationship it’s over there is no going back from that. Why do women stay with men like this?

[@il42]

​@@bunniewoodmaybe fear of being on their own? Financially, emotionally, fear of hurting kids. I don't know

[@kw2075]

Like I said under another video where the man was the caller…..Men rarely file for divorce but they will make your life hell on wheels in the hopes that you leave. They don’t have the guts to divorce.

[@ChardeeMacdennis339]

It’s so weird, right? I’m currently going through this with my husband. I think I’m finally ready to walk out the door…

[@Jaxmusicgal23]

Mine refuses and said it will have to be me and I will be sinning when I do it. I better not remarry cuz I will be committing to adultery every time I have sex with my new husband. As if I want to jump into a new relationship and not figure crap out.

[@katrinna7311]

And it’s too much effort for them. Men like easy, filing for divorce is too hard

[@daniellem8790]

Men like easy and they don’t want to admit “failure” so one way out of that is to push a woman into it

[@mxusa8383]

I guess I’m rare, bailed on my wife after she was cheating. She literally thought so unrealistically of herself that she thought I wouldn’t or could leave her. Then when the papers hit the table in front of her it was amazing how her attitude flipped a 180. Foot on the gas get your ass out the door! It’s wild how men tolerate poor behavior from women that literally bring next to nothing to the table blows my mind.

[@Hiker2110]

This is scary. Marie truly sounds scared in her voice. I hope she gets help and leaves this abusive man.

[@renebrown7394]

Yes…she needs serious help asap…she sounds terrified..I pray she breaks free ❤

[@JudePi-jx7yo]

Where do you get that from? He swears?

[@NeccoWecco]

Sounds like she's struggling with stockholm syndrome. I did too. I left and never spoke to him again. I'm at peace now. No one is welcome in my life if they will disrespect me and abuse me.

[@Fingerscrossedout]

It's called a trauma bond 😢 it's just like getting off drugs..

[@amberklein1560]

He's forcing the end of the marriage. I'm SO sorry.

[@joygernautm6641]

I think the issue is not whether or not, he is cursing and swearing, it’s the fact that he’s being disrespectful towards her and trying to PowerFlex. John very clearly said that people change through marriage, but the key is staying respectful and supportive through it.

[@agricolaregs]

Sounds like she’s trying to powerflex by putting limitations on his speech. If my husband told me I couldn’t curse, I’d tell him to F off with that kind of control. You don’t control someone’s speech like that.

[@katiterry1200]

@@agricolaregsThere's a HUGE difference between swearing in regular language and swearing at someone/calling them names. That is the root of the problem here because it is absolutely verbal abuse. That's why Dr. John is saying there's a lack of respect and she deserves better than that.

[@javaskull88]

Something changed him, but what?

[@alluringbliss4165]

@@agricolaregs I can't stand cursing. I don't curse at people and would not pick a man who curses at me.

[@Nan-Elle]

@@javaskull88 I think he found someone else; and now his wife doesn't compare to this new person. So, he rejects her now.

[@lavenderkisses9461]

Went through this myself-single mom with 4 kids after 18 yrs of marriage -now i love life & have so much peace/love and joy in my life and home sometimes i cry. Kids went through a transition but doing great! It’s worth it.

[@saucequeen4885]

So happy for you sweetheart! Your bravery paid off big time! 🙏🏽❤️👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@rouka120]

It’s seems like this marriage is already over. He’s being outright disrespectful to her: in front of the kids and not. Even though she thinks he’s not cheating, I would DEFINITELY look out for it. He’s unhappy in this marriage and it’s obvious. I’d leave him….NOW

[@Chalk89]

You don't find it odd that a person just wakes up and starts disrespecting their partner without rhyme or reason? I'm not calling her a liar but I think Dr. John does a tremendous disservice to the callers, listeners when he just accepts things at face value such as this call.

[@flyandshy00]

Yes, they do, look at Chris Watts, this the same situation.@@Chalk89

[@Landmantx]

Yes he deserves a lot better than this.

[@RepentImmediately]

​@@Chalk89she said it's happened over the past couple years, not overnight and that he suppressed that he was an angry person until he decided to be ok with being an angry person and directing that anger at his wife

[@Chalk89]

Whether it happened overnight, past couple of years - there's a trigger somewhere. Unless this guy is a mastermind and his goal all along was to trick her by being Mr. Nice Guy then, once the ring fell onto her finger, h reverted back to his old ways. That's it!@@RepentImmediately

[@HealthCoachHayley]

I think the abuse is far worse than she’s letting on. 🙏😭

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

Yes... I think so too. No one ever 'got it'. Even Pastors/ counselor minimized the problem... Oh, he helps the church. Oh, he is so nice ! HA

[@ChardeeMacdennis339]

When my husband changed in huge ways several years into our marriage… it’s because he had developed bipolar 1 disorder. It took years to figure it out and for him to get diagnosed and treated. But it felt like he had turned into a different person. And he didn’t care. It was an incredibly traumatic and awful experience for me 😢

[@debraburch5473]

This happened to my former husband as well. Unfortunately, the lies, drugs, adultery and abuse was too much for us to come back from. He was very good at gaslighting me and blaming me for his pain. I prayed non stop for him. Tried to be understanding and forgiving. Encouraged him to see his mental health practitioner, continue his meds.... Yet it was never enough and he continually blamed me for his troubles and cut me down in front of the kids. When I placed boundaries, he left the marriage in anger. I was devestated and relieved. Life was difficult, but ultimately much better in the home. I could finally breathe again.

[@Ad1nfernum]

Can I ask how he ended up eventually being diagnosed if he didn't notice or didn't care about the personality change? I'm curious because I've been wondering if my husband could have a medical issue that could explain his personality change over the past few years.

[@territ1231]

I know that feeling!. Two weeks after getting married I wanted to leave!!! He showed his true self after two years of dating.

[@laLouve22]

the switch up is a real thing... they will show their true self once you move in together or get married or when you get pregnant. When you are "trapped"

[@teresaparvin7327]

People don't see the red flags. They're always there. You just have to be aware of of them. No one completely hides who they really are for that long.

[@ineedhoez]

That's why women need to operate from the mindset that vetting is a continuous process. The moment he flips you dip. You must always position yourself to be able to exit the relationship at any time. This means keeping your money up so that way you're not financially dependent on him. This means keeping your body tight so he understands that you will absolutely get snatched up by another man. He must always live in fear that you will leave him the moment he fails to meet the performance requirements set forth in your marital agreement. Failure to meet the standard is treated as a breach in the relationship is over. Issue a 7-Day notice to cure the deficiency, just like your landlord gives you a 7-Day notice to pay your rent or get evicted. He has 7 days to fix whatever the problem is or you head out. Sometimes the issue can't be fixed in 7 days but he can take substantial actions to correct the problem. If he's an alcoholic he can start doing his AA meetings. If he's unemployed he go drive uber and take care of all of the domestic duties, while he seeks employment. If he is depressed he can go to therapy get some antidepressants, hit the gym, or do whatever. Do not tolerate their behavior for a single day.

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

Mine said: "I knew what kind of guy you wanted to marry, so I pretended to be him". !!! Great, Swell, oh what fun

[@57andstillkicking]

@@patriciaalbertson5183 That’s horrible!

[@shamailaahmad211]

😢 the pain in this lady's voice ❤ God please help her and the family

[@oncetwice5942]

I don’t think he ever loved her let alone like her. To him, she’s all he can have, not what he wanted.

[@singerjo5791]

Bologna. He doesn’t like himself.

[@ineedhoez]

Yup.

[@ineedhoez]

​@@singerjo5791I don't know why you keep saying that he doesn't like himself. It's really irrelevant. He cannot like himself but really like her. If he liked her she would treat her nicely. No one is saying that she is unlikable. We're just saying that he doesn't give a s*** about her. She should not be in a relationship with a person who doesn't care about her

[@claremolony6050]

​@@ineedhoezwhen a man does this it means he absolutely hates himself.

[@jordanhowe5998]

The way she's talking it sounds like she's hiding in a room praying he doesn't hear her.

[@jennifershray4962]

I agree with everyone, something else is going on with him. If he is disrespectful towards her or doesn't care about hurting her, shouts that he is hiding things. It could be any number of things, infidelity, prior trauma/abuse, drugs, mental health issues. These issues always come to a head after the kids come along.

[@ineedhoez]

This when the mask drops. He can finally reveal himself as the true narcissist that he is because he thinks that she is stuck. He believes that his victim will not leave.

[@pamelamartin9901]

Yes. My husband constantly was angry with me. Yelling at me whenever he thought I did something wrong. Always being critical of anything I accomplished. Went on for decades. Found out 4 yrs ago he was unfaithful. To top it off he didn't think I should be upset. Please don't tell me to leave. He has been paralyzed from a stroke for 30 yrs. I am his sole caregiver. I'm too old to start over and don't have the financial resources.

[@purpurina5663]

I think they are LDS, and he's realized he doesn't believe in it while she's still very much in. Not an excuse for treating his spouse like that, but I think he may be venting out years of repressed anger.

[@Obviously-dc1xp]

I saw this play out with someone I personally know. During the time he was calling names and emotionally abusing his wife, he was actually working very hard to keep his affair a secret. The lover sweared like a sailor and he started doing the same and brining it home to his wife. Many of the symptoms Marie is describing were very similar to the situation I know. Although the affair ended, he has a hard time reducing his swearing around his wife but has full control not to say his profanity around his kids and family. Therefore, he has no respect for his wife and unfortunately the wife is not ready to walk away. I hope Marie is able to do what’s best for her and her children.

[@annakot2173]

our 4th year of marriage something changed with him I endured constant criticism and hurtful words spoken down to me for maybe a little over a year. I knew I couldn't endure that kind of treatment for much longer so I told him I was thinking about leaving him, that what he was doing was hurting me, that he was being disrespectful. after a year of praying for him and the situation I gained more insight to what the deeper issues were, i figured out that he had unforgiveness in his heart towards his father, and that he needed to let go of all the hurt he held onto from how he was treated in the past ...i prayed for him a lot and miraculously he started to change and soften and become the dream man i always wanted! I know this won't always be the the outcome for many but I know that God is able to change ppl and sometimes time apart and therapy is what other ppl may need to go through for things to change. I just wanted to share my story because there can be hope on the other side

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

Yes, There can be. But, that spouse has to be Willing! It takes Two people to work on it. It takes one person to ruin it, if they are hell bent on meisery

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

MISERY

[@hehasrisen1990]

Such a smart psychologist, amazing to watch him do his thing. I’m like clueless what to say to these ppl. He has it all figured out

[@Kate-b5j]

This may be infidelity. The contempt thing is what they do to mitigate guilt. He has to appear to have just cause to loathe you so the betrayal is acceptable. They reorder realities. Deceive themselves. He has a new confidant. My ex-husband lived a double-life. With every new woman, he'd completely change. Personality, manner of dress, musical tastes, interests, views, all of it. Literally, a sloughing off of the former for the later. He was assuming their identity and "trying on" their life like a new coat. I was always tipped off of a new influence because he would do a complete 180. It's a possibility. He wants out. He doesn't have the ability to end it with any dignity. These people never do. This is his kind of communication. It will always be this way. Once contempt enters marriage, one or both partners is done.

[@lisap3628]

Sounds like a narcissist because they are notorious for mirroring others due to lack of their own identity.

[@neoalley]

Gosh, her heavy "no" to whether she has local friends or family, or any friends or family-- probably why she has desperately held on so long. Takeaway for all: Invest in friendships. Lifeline.

[@saraliburd7752]

Yep-she’s been isolated and abused for a long time-she needs to safely GET OUT and never look Back

[@muma6559]

yes, I picked that up too

[@PrinceKima_12]

I'm 55, and have had a difficult life. The only consistent forces for good in my life have been animals, and friends. Not family, not colleagues, not strangers. Friends should be 1st priority, not because they might be needed, but because that's where they belong.

[@ineedhoez]

But you know when a woman is a pick me, the friends are the first to go.

[@goinggaga4ladygaga]

Alienation is all part of the abusers plan. Keeps them in the power position. I hope her friends were better than mine, I opened up and they judged me and ghosted me. I have one good friend left and now I’m scared to open up as I can’t lose her too.

[@jenniferjaramillo6759]

Her husband doesn’t respect her and probably doesn’t want to be married anymore. One of my boundaries with my ex was that there will be no cursing at me especially if we in a disagreement. He would not respect my boundary. It made me realize he did not respect me therefore he did not love me. I was gonna give him one last chance but I found he was cheating so that just made leaving easier. Her Husband has shown who he is so believe him. He will not change. It’s gonna be hard but for her sake and the kids she should leave.

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

Cursing at you to force Your hand.... coward.

[@saraliburd7752]

He behaves how he wants-he knows what she values so he does the opposite-he is an abuser hands down

[@Nan-Elle]

He is very self-centered. He's done with the religious training they both adhered to; and now he is going to do whatever he pleases. And he doesn't care how she feels.

[@debbiebasche5337]

The husband wants out and is trying to make the wife leave him so he isnt considered the "bad guy"...

[@Cashhhhew]

Being called names by a spouse is a huge no. That is abuse. You don’t deserve to live with someone who makes you feel less than them. Demeaning is disgusting.

[@wf4983]

When he said "that's contempt" I was like "yes, exactly:. That's an angry man there who tries to find somerhing/one to kick

[@GoingApeCostume]

As an Exmo, I've seen this behavior a few times in the community. A spouse goes through the painful process of deconstructing a whole life encompassing belief system, which includes every stage of grief, and turns that anger or other high emotion onto their spouse. Especially if that spouse is not on the same trajectory of deconstructing those beliefs. (The Mormon Church is such a HIGH demand religion and is fully enmeshed in their marriage. Mormons may not be real great at emotional maturity either.) The deconstructing spouse can go through months/years of trying to decide what parts of their lives were authentic and what was a lie. Is it right, the way he's going about it? No. Not even a little bit. It's abusive. This woman needs to go.

[@ineedhoez]

If a man calls you out of your name, he's already hit you, and if he hits you, you're already dead. Exit immediately.

[@randybobandy9828]

You are quite possible the stupidest person in this comment section.

[@starlingswallow]

Marie, I'm so sorry this is happening. I've been where you are now, sans kids. It's heartbreaking. I had to gain some self worth and self love in order to leave. And I have _never_ been happier! Yes, it was the hardest thing I've done, leaving the supposed "stability", but it was never stable. It was the exact opposite of stable. 😢 You are strong, beautiful and soooooo worthy of love, safety and respect~ you just have to _realize_ and believe that about yourself ❤ I believe in you, Marie.

[@CharleneBurgos]

Pride comes before destruction. He’s going to learn that soon or later.

[@jemmajames6719]

My husband abused me from the day we married it took years to realise it was abuse and it wasn’t my fault,35 years still in because of financial reasons. What hurts me the most is when he puts the kids down to me. He said when the kids were little all I have is you and the kids, the people I went out with tonight have everything. He also said ten years ago he had never loved me, I know that because he’s done things and told me he hates me, he then blamed me for having no friends, not having a closer relationship with his family, blamed me for getting married, buying a house, and having our children especially our last child, saying that about our children broke my heart and even now my chest aches with pain. In fact I’m going to have a little cry. I built my husband up in my kids eyes they as adults think he’s great, I’m worried they will treat their partners badly and I have to take responsibility for that.

[@HK-yn1vl]

I wish you choose to leave him, and also tell your kids what you have been going through. If you told your kids lies all these years, they may not support you if you split up with your abusive husband. You have to love yourself enough to get out of the bad situation. Even if you choose to stay with your husband, at least share some things with your kids. Maybe they already know. Sending lots of love to you. Take care of yourself! ❤ 🙏

[@ineedhoez]

I don't mean to be harsh but you really did your children as serious dishonor. Unfortunately you have pretty much guaranteed that your children will either become this type of abuser or be in a relationship with this type of abuser. They are going to model their relationship based off of what they saw. I'm so sorry. Please correct this issue now and let them know what things are really like. Make sure that they know that what they saw was not love. And for you please look into the personal development school and the teachings on subconscious reprogramming. It can help you heal those core wounds that allows you to have such little self-love that you accepted such horrific treatment for your entire life. Then look at Ross rosenberg's book the human magnet syndrome. It will explain why you pick that person and how self-love deficit disorder AKA codependency gets transmitted through family dynamics. It's about that pervasive fear of being alone that ties into your core wounds (worthless, unlovable, broken, defective, etc.) These two resources have fundamentally change my life and allowed me to heal from from childhood trauma and trauma in my adult relationships. It took less than 30 days. I was able to heal my major core wound of feeling defective and broken. I walked around this planet for 38 years feeling like I was broken. I felt like something was wrong with me. Healing that wound set off a cascade of healing in my life. I decided that I loved myself and the decision to love myself resulted in numerous changes throughout my life. In less than a year, I stopped drinking alcohol, I lost 100 lb, healed toxic family relationships, and found an amazing life partner. If I were religious I would say it was as if the hand of God changed me. Honestly, I'd never even finished the full first workbook! I was able to move from a fearful avoidant attachment Style to a secure attachment style. I learned so much about the fear of being alone and how that forces you to accept horrific treatment in relationships. I finally learned healthy relationships require equitable contributions of love, respect, and care. The thing that is most Frustrating for me About it is that it was very easy. An infuriates me that people don't have this information and they spend their lives struggling. Once I got the information it was so easy to change. So I make it my mission to write long ass KZbin posts. Hopefully somebody will see it and it will help them

[@coolwater55]

Yeah, don't build up your husband to your children. You still have time to correct some of those notions by being honest with your children. And stating exactly what you did here. That your Dad had problems, but he did not correct them. It caused him to be abusive to me in front of you. I hope to provide love, honesty, safety for you to talk to me about it, even if it hurts, and get some counsel so that YOU will have a much better life and treat your partners wonderfully in life.

[@JPLAviation]

As a young listener this stuff just makes me never wanna get married 😂

[@DNA350ppm]

I can understand that! But if you still love both women and children enough to wish you could have a happy family, you should know that you can. But you need to be prepared. Communication skills, conflict solving skills, child rearing skills, home chore skills, household economy skills, even intimacy skills - they can all be learned, and they don't come spontaneously with a wedding ring, as many childish persons believe. I think this religious couple in Utah probably had very bad odds. Well-educated spouses in the Nordic countries have a low divorce rate, that might be a tip to follow up for you. But don't feel pressurized to marry, ever.

[@JPLAviation]

@@DNA350ppm 100, I agree it’s more so of people change and sometimes staking your finances on one person would be the biggest issue. I want kids but finding that person will be v hard

[@daretodream...898]

Marriage is a lot of work and sacrifice, but it can be rewarding. You could do a lot worse than staying single. 😉

[@JS44444]

It sounds like the husband is having an identity crisis from what he was taught growing up. He probably needs space and the wife needs to protect the rest of the family.

[@angelasjourneysince1956]

The tone I got from her is she is desperate but won't/can't leave because of kids, finances, church and social status. The husband is looking for the exits. John is right that there is much she is not saying.

[@EJaj1623]

She needs to face the fact that her husband is being cruel and disrespectful, and it has nothing to do with their beliefs. People that don’t share the same beliefs can absolutely be kind and respectful, and even love one another. He just doesn’t like her, and she can’t admit that to herself.

[@singerjo5791]

Liking her has nothing to do with his choice to cuss her out. He doesn’t like himself.

[@coolwater55]

He doesn't like that he has a wife and family. He sounds like he is going through rebellion against her, as if she were his parents. He doesn't want all the responsibility and is acting like a teen. Allowing his children, especially a 6 year old to watch inappropriate content, that is a man child. He is an idiot and will lose it all.

[@regularity2556]

​@@coolwater55He most likely grew up Mormon, was pressured to get married and have kids early, so now that he is having doubts about the religion, he hates his life and is taking it out on his family. He needs to leave and go be free

[@coolwater55]

@@regularity2556 Well, yes, however, he is not " free" of his moral, financial obligation to his children .

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

'Malignant Narsisist', is what he sounds like... A child having tantrums. Been there. They lie. It only gets worse... Is he drinking too?

[@epiphanyperry1877]

Oh my goodness!! This so reminds me of my life. My husband literally turned into someone different than he presented himself as during our 5yr courtship/occasion. I remember feeling so blindsided when he first started revealing his true self to me. He also kept saying "this is me, accept it" I asked him pretty early in the marriage why he was so different now, he admitted he "did all of that to convince me to marry him, but now that we're married, have a kid on the way, home, I need to accept him for who he really is". I told him you clearly know how to do all those things you presented for 5 years and those are also what I fell in love with, so you need to continue. Slowly over time he continued to devolve into a person I never would have dated, let alone married and I felt betrayed but stuck. He resents me for wanting him to be better, behave better, communicate better, and i resent him for the Rollercoaster. 22 years later I regret not leaving him when pregnant 6 months into our marriage. Did we have good times, yes. Did we accomplish many if our goals for the family, yes. Was it worth it, for everyone else yes. For me absolutely not

[@joshdh46]

Me and my first very serious relationship had this exact issue (grew up Jehovahs' Witness). I didn't believe it would be sustainable. That was 9 years ago, she's remarried to someone with her values. I'm single. It's a bit of a bummer, but I still believe it was the correct choice for us.

[@AliciaMcIntire]

This couple is probably LDS and got married before 25. I have seen so many couples like this where one/both people got married before knowing themselves and what they want/need in a relationship. Once they have more life experience, they realize that their relationship is unhealthy, and the other person isn't willing to work on it. I know LDS culture is obsessed with getting married young, but there is something to be said for waiting and having more dating experience to know what you need in relationships before getting married.

[@rachelgee7894]

Not true. LDS people have much lower divorce rates. It's actually more beneficial to get married young and grow/learn to adult with your partner than to establish your life and then try and bring someone into it.

[@pamelatd]

​@@rachelgee7894 If the divorce rate is lower it could be partially because people feel that if they break their temple marriage they will go to hell. My aunt married her husband and said he was completely different once they were married. She told us that she probably wouldn't be married if they hadn't made temple covenants. Her husband is abusive. But it's more important to keep your temple covenants that to be in a safe place with your children.... Idk I think just because people stay married doesn't mean things are okay.

[@rachelgee7894]

@@pamelatd that's one instance. Doesn't mean that's true for everyone

[@pamelatd]

@@rachelgee7894 I didn't say it's true for everyone. I said it happens. Temple covenants/eternity is a lot of pressure. "Endure to the end" comes to mind.

[@semosancus5506]

Nah. I'm not LDS, married early, and just have enough emotional intelligence to make sure I'm working on myself and my marriage.

[@texuztweety]

Hilarious how people think she can pick up ans leave with 4 kids and no where to go. Heck even shelters will turn women and kids away when full and guess what? With the current migrant crisis, the shelters have been full for months

[@Hatbox948]

So true!

[@marlowilliams4264]

The sucky thing is, if they divorce, the father will likely get 1/2 custody and will cause the kids lots of problems being alone with him that much.

[@singerjo5791]

Most of those kind of men don’t want to bother too much with kids.

[@neisci]

​@@decimanightelf4135those type of men could care less about them kids. Better leave.

[@ineedhoez]

It'll be fine, he is not going to want to be around those children. He doesn't want to be a father. The court might award in 50/50 but he will not pick up his children. I can guarantee you that. These type of men will only care for the children when they have sexual access to the mother.

[@HPLaserJet2100tn]

Every woman should read “Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Bancroft. This man is textbook abusive.

[@randybobandy9828]

No he isn't. John literally just made all the assumptions and accusations about the husband. This woman didn't say anything more than he cusses and lets his kid watch pg13 films.

[@melanie62954]

@@randybobandy9828 Blatantly untrue. He calls her names and dismisses her rudely when she asks him to treat her with more respect. I don't think you really listened to the video.

[@randybobandy9828]

@@melanie62954 nah.

[@Kendrach]

She's scared to death. She's paralyzed. That's what abuse does to a person. Makes them feel like they are the crazy one. She needs to leave. This guy is showing who he really is. Sounds sociopathic. They will charm you then turn into a monster in an instant. Scary.

[@michellesimmons3150]

and people do understand how horrid it is to be with someone like this but how much worse it is to leave. people like him try to destroy the person when they leave, in every possible way. She should be terrified.

[@triciadilligaf1933]

I just hope she doesn't turn to her church for guidance because LDS will never encourage her to divorce. I hope she finds strength and peace.

[@Amalie.x7fv]

While the church wouldn’t recommend divorce for frivolous reasons, things such as abuse are absolutely reasons they would support divorcing over. I have friends who are lds and have divorced

[@fighttoinhale8011]

I wish when I was going through this one of the pastors I reached out to would have given me this advice. Instead, I was told to continually submit and try harder. My closest friends were the ones who kept telling me I needed to leave.

[@niram4107]

May I ask why didn't those entrusted with Church leadership or pastoral care of church members approach your husband and attempt to work with you as a couple?

[@ineedhoez]

​@@niram4107because churches believe that women are second-class citizens. The man is never the problem.

[@sjackson7578]

She clearly called in for help…started with the light stuff because she was trying to protect him and the bigger stuff was bound to come out with questions and she wanted it to because she feels hoodwinked and she should because she was. Her husband tricked her into thinking he was someone else and after they’ve married now he feels like he can stop pretending. Speaking from experience. All I can say is pray about it and or leave now. Although I would not announce you are leaving because that will be a challenge too.

[@Dansyoung]

So if a wife doesn’t act the same after being married for a period of time (gains some weight, doesn’t put in as much effort, doesn’t have sex as often) should a husband leave her and upgrade ? I’m under the impression people change over time and this is normal with the highs and lows of life - marriage is supposed to be “till death do us part”, now it’s like mehhhhhh it’s not as exciting as it used to be, and you did that one thing I didn’t like one time….

[@Emptytopfloor]

@@Dansyoung so, going through physical changes like weight gain, low libido(by product of weight changes) are abuse now?

[@Dansyoung]

@@Emptytopfloor Well it’s not what the husband signed up for - like the original comment stated he was hoodwinked, he thought he was getting someone who was a certain way and she changed. Withholding sex can be a form of emotional/psychological abuse.

[@Emptytopfloor]

@@Dansyoung it sounds like the husband is the one who changed. Now he expects adjustments from the wife. Adjustment from no cuss words to name calling is like going from vanilla to pegging.

[@blueseptember2174]

​@@Dansyoungthese men that act like this are watching copies amounts or p@rn, cheating and/or are violent toward their spouse. Not the same as weight gain. And who said anything about withholding sex? The cheater? You gonna believe a liar?

[@EricalWatson333]

I got out of an abusive 8 year relationship. Thank God we never had children. The only thing that I miss in that f'ed up relationship are my dogs. Cheyenne and Kimbo. I miss them so bad it hurts, but I couldn't be stuck in such a sick relationship with a complete narcissist.❤❤❤

[@courtneyboud4611]

Marie, I'm in the Provo area. If you want to reach out, I'll totally listen! I hope you're doing okay! I know it's been a month, but I'm serious. Let's go get lunch. I'll give you a huge hug! ❤️

[@Amalie.x7fv]

Me too! Praying for ya❤

[@jayneanderson8057]

I am stuck in this situation after 38 years. i was afraid to be alone with our children. It did affect the kids anyway. I have totally drawn into myself and let myself go,,,my life is over. dont let that happen to you,,,,go know while you are young

[@ineedhoez]

You have to heal that self-love deficit disorder. That fear of being alone is your codependency and it is there because of the programming you received as a child. That feeling of being unlovable, unworthy, broken, defective can go away. And no, I'm not about to say Jesus. It's called subconscious reprogramming and it is a cognitive behavioral therapy technique that helps you heal core wounds. You can reprogram your subconscious Brain. You can build a secure attachment. You can increase your levels of self-worth and self-love. You can learn to set boundaries. Most importantly it's not going to take you 30 years to do it. It literally only takes 30 days to reprogram a core wound. Just like it takes 30 days to create a habit. Look up the personal development School. Call 67.00 a month to get access to all of their programs. Read the book of the human magnet syndrome. This further explains codependency and why codependents always end up in relationships with narcissists. Once you heal your codependency, you will not attract narcissists. You can find healthy love out there

[@57andstillkicking]

I understand, I had done the same thing- but our lives are not over. Our identity doesn’t lie in what others think of us.

[@CoronaryArteryDisease.]

They are in Provo, UT. Very likely both are Mormon. It is where BYU is. If two Mormons marry each other, and one decides they do not want to be Mormon anymore, divorce is extremely likely. Extremely. This is often regardless of how good or bad each spouse treats the other. Here are the reasons why this can be the case: according to Mormon theology, in order to get into the celestial kingdom (the highest level of heaven), you need to be married in the Mormon temple. Only ACTIVE and BELIEVING Mormons can get a temple recommend and get married in the temple. Mormons have a vision of not just getting to heaven, but doing so with their loved ones, especially their spouse and kids, through the power of the priesthood by performing sacred rituals, or making covenants. This vision of an eternal family usually connects with both husband and wife being ACTIVE and BELIEVING Mormons. If you do not keep the covenants you make in the mormon temple, you CANNOT get into the celestial kingdom. Covenants in the temple include following the teachings of the Mormon prophet and apostles, openly supporting Mormon church teachings, and including paying tithing (%10 of your income), going to church often and receiving a calling, among other things. If you break these covenants, you cannot go to the celestial kingdom with your spouse and children. Basically, if you leave the Mormon church for another church or belief, your spouse will believe you are taking an eternal heaven and bliss away from them because you won’t be there with them. It spoils their eternal family. In addition, you are a negative influence on the children because you do not believe in the one true church and the one true way to heaven. Many Mormons also view a spouse leaving Mormonism as putting their temple marriage, or sealing, in jeopardy. While this can be argued to not be true according to Mormon theology, many do hold this belief, and would like to find a new spouse to be sealed to. It seems the husband in the video, after losing his faith, is on unstable ground and is unsure how to be a husband and parent. I think he is making some bad choices, but from what I remember from the video, nothing that cannot be changed and recovered from. But… if we want to truly understand this situation, context is key. Expectations are very specific and very high if two Mormons marry each other. Do not get married in the temple with a Mormon if you are not willing to stay rigorously Mormon until the day you die.

[@EmilyLucille523]

I won’t give my husband the pleasure of me being the “bad” guy. He wants to leave, he can grow up and do it. There’s the door. 🚪 Bye bye 👋🏼

[@FreeSpirit47]

There is so much more to this situation that could drastically alter views of it. The husband's side of the situation would be interesting to learn of. Mutual respect is absolutely necessary in any relationship.

[@singerjo5791]

Regardless, a man has no business treating his wife that way.

[@FreeSpirit47]

@@singerjo5791 Agree

[@ineedhoez]

It's funny how men always want to hear the other side of the story when it comes to abuse.

[@FreeSpirit47]

@@ineedhoez From the beginning of time, those born with a penis have abused the ones without one or those who are defenseless against them. It's scientifically proven that this aspect of humanity is still in the DNA of guys. It's a very difficult pedestal to lose that place. In many countries around the world, guys still mostly have the upper place, using it to do as they please with little to no consequences. Guys can murder their mothers, sisters, wives & girlfriends with no reprisal nor fear of it. In the USA, this is rarely the case. Now, with DNA technology, far fewer males are getting away with their abuse & killing.

[@RadCenter]

Marie, please talk to a divorce attorney and an accountant. Start planning your exit strategy. It will give you a foundation so that if you do need to leave this marriage, you won't feel so vulnerable.

[@livebydesignlaurie]

A man protects what he loves, and loves what he protects! Abuse means there's definitely something deeper. Listen to your intuition and get help together or get yourself and your children to safety. You're teaching your children how the daddy treats the mommy, and how the mommy is supposed to respond. Is that how you want your kids' marriage to play out? They don't do as I say, not as I do. God put boundaries on the garden even! God bless you sweet lady.

[@TheTlevasseur1019]

John you saved this girl's life.

[@lindajohanson9131]

A huge issue is if or when the kids start to copy their dad and start to also show her disrespect. But, as other comments say, I think he's covering up a real or wished for affair.. - in other words - make his wife look bad to justify going after someone else.

[@Toomies08]

Mentally, he's left the LDS church and now he's resentful and rebellious toward her. But he doesn't believe anymore. He's probably read the CES letters and there's no turning back.

[@andyg806]

You sly dog, you.

[@goldengirlgains]

Sounds like an affair tbh

[@riseredeos]

she’s in a state: where if i was to guess her religion; we’ll let’s just say many of the women in her life will ship her straight back into abuse if that’s what’s happening. ultimatums aren’t an option for those women in certain communities.

[@rachelgee7894]

I'm in that community and that's not true at all. Don't make generalizations about things you know nothing about.

[@riseredeos]

@@rachelgee7894 there’s like multiple major denominations and multiple factions under that faith’s umbrella.Your own personal experience is literally generalizing all of those populations .lol 😂.

[@jerusalem4492]

Don't gaslight Riseredeos. We all know what you're alluding to, don't act smart@@riseredeos

[@nonosfavorites]

You don’t know what you’re talking about at all, obviously.

[@dianebalch5369]

I know a woman who confronted her verbally abusive and self-serving husband. She hired a babysitter for their kids. When he arrived home, the babysitter gave him a letter from the wife. In the letter, the wife told him that she was exhausted from his self-centered priorities. She told him to try to feel her absence that evening. They had been married for over 15 years. When she finally she took that deep breath and told him she was fed up, he respected her more and changed. She never threw divorce in his face, but reminded him that her own parents had chosen that route, so it wasn't foreign to her. To this day, she's glad that she "drew a line in the sand."

[@Gespense]

This is BS, the husband is not just walking in the door and yelling at his wife randomly for no reason. If it is, then yes she must leave because he is just crazy. There's more to this than she is letting on.

[@Chalk89]

I found that to be odd. When I'm trying to fix something, and it doesn't work, I just don't blurt out, 'hey wife, you're an absolute stupid...' That just didn't make sense to me at all.

[@RepentImmediately]

​@@Chalk89the psychology term for redirection of anger is 'displacement'...he's angry at himself for harming himself while working but he's displacing that anger onto his wife

[@NeccoWecco]

There's a great painting called 'Transference of Anger' by Sargent. Give it a look :) It's not BS at all.

[@andradeanita]

Wow, that was a hardcore realisation... in 5 minutes she did what took me years to figure out! She is lucky to just know now, now she can start acting upon all these mess!

[@santieldasavage]

John is the freaking man rock on brotha

[@randybobandy9828]

No he isn't 😂

[@setha360]

He farts in bed, I thought he was a cyborg who hid his farts.

[@Hatbox948]

My ex did that too. Unfortunately he did it anywhere and everywhere also. I could never muster the courage to discuss it with him. It made some social situations very awkward.

[@itsme-notyou]

She's taking zero responsibility. Need a little probing about her role in this. I'd like to see on some of these calls the couple on at the same time.

[@claremolony6050]

If your husband is disrespecting you then she has no accountability. It is all on him.

[@Chalk89]

Am I the only one who feels like these callers take the bait when Dr. John asks, ‘is there abuse in the home?’ This lady talked about a husband changing his values then goes into, ‘he curses and lets out six year old watch PG-13 movies…’

[@FrankS111]

Yes leading questions every time. I don’t buy that he suddenly goes into cursing tirades unprovoked. My guess is she begins screaming at him that he’s “changed” and is condescending to him THEN he meets her level of disrespect. But she only remembers his disrespect and not what preceded it.

[@FrankS111]

@@SarahConnor562BINGO! Most men want peace in their lives. Whenever I hear someone whine and cry how they are “abused” and always the “victim” tells me they suffer from narcissism along with cognitive dissonance

[@Dansyoung]

Exactly

[@Chalk89]

I’ve never been to therapy so I ask this genuinely - why isn’t there a question such as, ‘do you know why this shift happened?’ Maybe I’m in the minority on this, but people just don’t change who they are in such an egregious way without a stimulant.

[@FrankS111]

@@Chalk89 John is no longer interested in getting to the reality / truth of the problem but affirming the woman’s feelings and making her feel better. Very leading questions every time and easy questions that could be asked but never are because it may challenge the female caller’s perspective. I’ve been to therapy before over anxiety. Almost everything talked about and discussed was about ME. Not my wife and children.

[@baysideharpy8350]

They’re in Utah so I assume the “religion” is LDS and he’s breaking away. If she wants to live by those rules the marriage is over.

[@CoronaryArteryDisease.]

Exactly. In fact, they are in one of the most densely Mormon parts of Utah! Provo! It is where BYU is. Look up “Mormon temple marriage” if you don’t know why this makes things complicated!

[@wafflewafflegod]

Zero surprise that this caller is from Provo, UT… the land of ultra conservative BYU and Mormons and radical compliance

[@wafflewafflegod]

I don’t think John knows how wholly religiously indoctrinated people in Provo are. She is likely in a mixed faith marriage and feels like that is infidelity now. She probably doesn’t realize how much judgement she is casting on him too

[@captainman2clever351]

He often doesn't let people speak. She didn't Really say much , and lots of assumptions were made

[@atomicgeisha]

I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't having a mid life crisis affair.

[@pmeehan_3]

It would help if the other spouse, and this goes for all calls, is on the call as well. It's a red flag ladies if he flat out refuses too or thinks he's not or doesn't have a problem.

[@RepentImmediately]

​@@SarahConnor562she said he calls her names....the first time a man calls me a name is definitely the last time.

[@LaCantressa]

Wow, this lady sounds so beaten down and hopeless. So sad.

[@Gioli565]

Dr John nailed it again

[@agricolaregs]

Wait! Watching Die Hard is abusing kids? I don’t think so.

[@AccidentalHiker1]

I'm going to watch it this even with my son. She's a dumbass.

[@TheAshMcG]

She is in a cult and brainwashed, that is obvious.

[@agricolaregs]

@@SarahConnor562 Indeed. I feel both the wife and John here are demonizing completely normal behavior. My son is 8 and it’s his favorite Christmas movie.

[@VioletEvans-yt2fd]

If he’s not cheating YET, he wants to and will soon. Let him go if he doesn’t want you. Quit being a victim and make him one.

[@murphytremble7845]

This show would be gold if you could face time with both parties. Each get 10 minutes to talk and then Dr. John gets 10 minutes to finish and give advice. 30 minutes total.

[@kristinaherrejon7181]

It’s already gold.

[@newaveride3396]

You think abusers will go on FaceTime and admit abusing their wives😂

[@NeccoWecco]

If she tells her friend, her friend will tell the church and her life will become much, much worse.

[@RWorley3sl]

He has walked away from the church. If he was good with the church I'd worry much more. The church has lawyers to keep the kids in the faith when a parent walks away

[@NeccoWecco]

@@RWorley3slLDS?

[@sarahgordino6695]

This broke my heart. Absolutely broke my heart. Her pain was sitting so close to the surface and everything he affirmed everything she already knew but has been ignoring or dismissing. I hope she and her kids are safe. Happy, okay.

[@Justthefurofus]

I hope she gets some help for this situation. I lived with having to see my parents treat each other like crap all my life and I swore I’d NEVER be in a relationship like that. It took me years to find a good man. Got married at 39 years old (unfortunately couldn’t have any children) and he’s the best thing to ever happen to me. He treats me with so much respect and love. Nothing like my parents and I’m so thankful for that.

[@mrmann44]

Rated PG-13 movies with the kids isn't ideal, but far from the end of the world! Geez! I feel like when he brought up abuse she felt she had to fill in the box. I religion issue is probably paramount. And, she doesn't have family there, so she's feeling lonely.

[@bunnybubs757]

He’s done .. probably cheating .,he wants her to walk

[@Galaxy-ho2pk]

Or he feel 💩 about himself and wants to drag her down with him

[@tkt8994]

my mom did not have the courage to leave my dad when he was being abusive both emotional and physical. I can tell you, the amount of fear I have experienced growing up fucked me inside out, I am still not recovered at 27. I have the deep hatred towards my family.

[@journeyon2489]

My soon to be ex husband wanted out of our marriage. But he put it all on me. The gaslighting the mental verbal emotional abuse. The infidelity. The physical abuse. There was no saving the marriage anymore. He gave up and so did i. 38 1/2 years... now i have to learn to live life as a single independent woman in this crazy ass world. Thank God my boys are grown. This is the hardest thing other than being with him to deal with. My husband NEVER respected me ever. I never put my foot down until i left him.

[@zeal4god402]

Delony brought some solid points, but I disagree on his stance on beliefs and our identity. Beliefs and who we ARE, are linked! Agreeing on core values DOES matter. If her husband believes its okay to yell and cuss whenever your upset, that would make him a person who is not emotionally intelligent, he is NOT an emotionally safe place and he would likely be groomed to be a chronically angry person. If he thinks whenever their sex life is dry, they should have a three-way with someone to spice it up, and she thinks that's wickedness, yet he still calls a random woman at the house, the house will be chaotic, filled with tension and their marriage will surely be over. Beliefs/viewpoints matter. As the Bible states "can two walk together lest they be agreed"

[@flashthecorgi2053]

Dr. D did an EXCELLENT video back a year ago on values and beliefs. He always says your beliefs shift and change but your values like “we treat each other with dignity and respect” will always remain anchored in. He said when you get have different values than the marriage becomes rocky! Edit: the video is called beliefs vs values (what’s the difference?) June 4th, 2021. It was amazing and so articulate.

[@zeal4god402]

@flashthecorgi2053 Thanks for sharing. Yet saying our beliefs shift while our values remain anchored seems to imply we are incapable of changing on an interpersonal level which is inaccurate given the reality and data of neuroplasticity

[@flashthecorgi2053]

@@zeal4god402 Maybe I’m explaining it bad. Delony did an excellent explanation in the video I referenced. I think the core value we share of all treating each other with dignity and respect no matter what beliefs you have is a good value you should always be anchored in!

[@user-anot53ou1]

She probably shared more stuff on the back end before she got on the call, so we’re probably not hearing everything. Without that context, listening to the caller seems like she’s the controlling one as well.

[@Chalk89]

I was wondering the same thing - despite listening to the call in its entirety, I feel like I missed a half hour of important details.

[@RepentImmediately]

She said he called her names. If my man called me a name I'd be gone the same day, mostly because anyone who disrespects me like that is putting themselves in a dangerous situation.

[@JudePi-jx7yo]

@@RepentImmediately What defines a name. You are being mean. You are mean? Same but a swear word B@# for example?

[@sw6155]

A LOT of Utah callers every week… 🤔

[@flashthecorgi2053]

They change the location and name of the callers to keep them anonymous. Not saying that’s the case here but a majority of the callers don’t use their actual location!

[@JudePi-jx7yo]

@@flashthecorgi2053 I assume they use a similar location for context. So this is Nevada or Idaho certainly not Brooklyn or Seattle.

[@flashthecorgi2053]

@@JudePi-jx7yo Ehh I wouldn’t say for sure. I know that Dr. Delony has said they try to preserve anonymity the best they can especially if it’s a marriage issue and they change the name and location on a regular basis.

[@nysavvy9241]

The differences are the problem. She doesn't like the way he handles issues and the same for her. If two people can't give and take and find compromise, the marriage is over. Once people start resenting each other, it's over.

[@normantheforeman9866]

Her examples are so vague it’s hard to know what he’s actually doing, but she sounds tired of it what ever he is doing

[@Mr_Mcgee_]

Why do so much of John’s advice lead to divorce…? There has to be a healthier way to deal with issues than simply leaving your spouse. Especially when kids are involved.

[@singerjo5791]

It won’t get better with abuse. I know.

[@Mr_Mcgee_]

@@singerjo5791 what about this was abusive?

[@HPLaserJet2100tn]

Read “why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Bancroft, a man who worked with male abusers for decades.

[@Mr_Mcgee_]

@@HPLaserJet2100tn what about this situation was abusive?

[@lilithowl]

Because it's not 1950 and people don't have to live fearfully because of some outdated beliefs.

[@dawnfiegen3249]

I see this differently. She said “How can I respect my husband when he no longer believes or holds the same values as I do?” She is basically saying, I no longer respect my husband and his values……. I DO agree that her husbands behaviour ie, swearing at her or disregarding her feelings is super unexceptable BUT making it about her husband alone was not helpful. He may be firing back at her because she no longer respects him. They BOTH have work to do.

[@saraliburd7752]

You’re missing the point-he is obviously abusive and anytime she speaks up it’s reactive abuse-she and her kids are not safe

[@cc3822]

@@saraliburd7752, both sound abusive. I think you missed the point.

[@eamsutton]

I really don’t like when he says “your kids are going to see this is what love looks like” it’s like blaming her rather than saying, “you are keeping a home functioning the best you can for your kids given Your circumstances” she should be congratulated for enduring this for them. Keeping peace. Also, did he start drinking in secret? I guess the religion said not to drink so now he started and is rejecting it now?

[@scroogemcduckismyspiritanimal]

I agree. I'm kind of tired of the idea that a dysfunctional marriage means it's better for the kids if you break it up "for their sake". As long as it's not truly abusive, a dysfunctional marriage is just that, dysfunctional. It's not life ending. At least it's an intact family. The other option is showing them that "love" looks like throwing in the towel instead of going the distance

[@neisci]

He's absolutely right, 9/10 this is how some children become abusive or abused adults. A parents job is to provide a safe and peaceful environment for their children to grow up in. I would never expose children to such toxic/ dysfunctional environment.

[@ineedhoez]

Yes because it takes two parties to be in a relationship. At the end of the day, one person can be the bad actor but if you stay, you are not a victim, you're a volunteer. We women have a really bad habit of pretending as if we don't have any agency. It's easier to blame the bad guy instead of taking accountability for us to continuing to stay in the relationship. She has a choice to make. She doesn't get to accept horrific treatment and her marriage and absolve herself of the responsibility of modeling a healthy relationship for her children. The husband is definitely an a-hole. But she has a choice to make. She may not be able to leave immediately, but she can make a 2 or 3-year plan to get out.

[@ineedhoez]

​@@scroogemcduckismyspiritanimal You're tired of people making you responsible for the devastating impact of passing on dysfunction to your children? Your job as a parent is to Model A healthy, happy, and loving relationship for your children. If you cannot model that then you model a healthy, caring, I'm loving co-parent relationship for your children. If you want to have an intact family then you fight for a healthy marriage. You go to therapy, you get the tools that you need, you do every single thing in your power to show your children how to have a healthy marriage. You don't get to live in dysfunction and teach them that that's acceptable. The very least you could do is show them what it looks like to take accountability and leave a bad mad marriage. that way you teach them that they don't accept misery and poor treatment as a lifestyle. If you teach your children that dysfunction is the name of the game, they're going to have the same exact trash as marriage that you have. Why would you do that to your child? We have a generation of kids that literally don't want to get married because they watch their parents be f****** miserable for years, when they should have divorced. Divorce is not traumatic for children. Being toxic during divorce is bad for children. Being toxic in a marriage is bad for children.

[@scroogemcduckismyspiritanimal]

@@ineedhoez lol if you can't follow the data you invalidate your own opinion. Divorce *is* traumatic for children and you can't make it otherwise just by declaring it is so. We have a whole generation that doesn't want to get married because they saw their parents divorce, not because they saw them stick together. I said as long as there's not abuse you shouldn't divorce. A relationship does not have to be toxic just because it is dysfunctional. The spouses can both settle into something livable within dysfunction. And by dysfunction, I don't mean daily screaming at each other. I don't mean throwing things. I don't mean hurling derogatory insults at each other on the regular. By dysfunction I mean one side isn't willing to try to make a great relationship but also isn't going to walk out. If the other will stay and there isn't abuse, or toxicity if that computes better for you, then you can manage just fine. The spouse that wants a deeper life can find fulfillment in developing friendships (with their own sex, not the opposite sex. That's how affairs start), pursuing hobbies, attending to their spiritual life, finding meaningful volunteer opportunities, and connecting with the kids.

[@JoanneGuelke]

Some of us end up marrying our father or our mother. Or we project our parent trauma onto our spouses regardless what they are like. Maybe the not swearing is representative of the control his felt by his own parent or parents and he's getting some of his power back with his wife. I used to be very left/liberal and now I'm wanting no part of it... I think I'm getting closer to my core values but it doesn't come across that way to my husband. And once contempt is in the marriage then walls go up that gets harder and harder to breech the longer people are together and the older we get. Sounds like they are not so compatible anymore and could get counseling how to split and co-parent while respecting their differences, focusing on them both loving their kids and whats best for their kids.

[@melacord7279]

This lady is in such pain...and stuck, with 4 kids ! She is one of many that are in situations like this, no matter the religious beliefs..the fate of women was always so harsh !

[@georgia7967]

I'm quite worried for this person... I don't think letting him no she's leaving will be safe.i think she was trying to say that but couldnt quite say it. 😫

[@amiramahgoub]

Why couples changes after marriage? Is it losing respect, trust issues and intimacy?

[@NarutoShino818]

They take other person for granted.