My Relationship Drama Caused By the Gray Zone | Art of Choosing Love S1E11

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

If you were in my shoes, how would you have handled it?

[@deahn85]

Not very well haha There definetly would be a whole lot of overthinking going on and making up different scenarios.

[@jennifer6833]

I’d feel uncomfortable and want to face it. It’s important in valuing yourself too make sure you’re content within yourself and not relying on anyone too provide it for you. Listen too your gut always. It never lies. She’s put up a lot of red flags in your direction. It’s good you have the support of your friends.

[@contecrusoe]

Listen to your gut and drop her

[@jennifer6833]

Contè Crusoe , 🙌🏻

[@jmerrihue1]

This is such an important moment at the beginning of an open relationship. I would get curious. This is such an opportunity to get to know each other. There is no right and wrong answer here, just golden experience to nourish your knowledge of each other. You guys are choosing to embark on a relationship that is non-conventional. These disconnects are your opportunities to discover and be honest with each other about boundaries- what feels good, what doesn't feel good. Trying to judge the way she navigated this by comparing it to how you would have navigated it is based on a philosophy of experiential transactionality. In open relationships, this is disastrous! That grey area is different for each person. Ask her what you want to know about her experiences - before and after or during their happening. Use the pain or discomfort as a compass. Open relationships are all about hyper-communication, slowing things down, and if this is your first one this is your first opportunity to use this to get to know yourself in these tender places, and then share that with each other. What's ok, what's not ok. Intimacy lies behind every communication breakdown. When you choose to get to know each other through the disconnects you can learn what feels good to your body and what doesn't. In telling her those details- you give her the opportunity to learn your boundaries and learn to navigate them. Get vulnerable and ask her for the clarity you want. Then with patience, allow her the space for the practice that it takes to learn someone's boundaries. It sounds like you guys are doing great navigating this! I salute your bravery!

[@alicechaves]

Love how you went into realizing that she was not feeling safe to share with you her truth. When you first realized it my whole body reacted and I could feel the deep and old fear the feminine carries around how much it's not safe to speak our truth. Thank you for shining light on it.

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

Thank you for sharing that your experience watching it! Creating safe containers to allow for both men and women to feel safe expressing their truth right now is so valuable in healing the relationships between men and women.

[@FreeMeLife]

YES!

[@gondergirl6127]

woah! When Matt asked you in your healing "What is wrong with safe and familiar", I started to feel you, tears came. Then I realized that's exactly what you were experiencing. So good. Love it!

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

Thank you for sharing your experience! To touched by your vulnerability.

[@ThePrimalDesire]

Great job bro. Recognizing that sitting down and having those scary conversations without judgement is the only way to get closer in the end, even though it risks ending the relationship is amazing. I love that you are modeling these actions. It's not something we often get to see, certainly not from mainstream movies etc., and almost never in real life either. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🤗

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

That's the whole reason I'm doing this show. To help people see what choosing love looks like behind closed doors, even when it's uncomfortable or difficult.

[@556natalie]

Oh! Wow! You are an incredible human being. You have the feminine and masculine side in harmony, I admire the way you exposed yourself and how we learn from your vulnerability and showing this side is amazing.

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

thanks so much :)

[@tysonpadilla5719]

I’m going through this currently with a woman I’ve been in love with for years. We have the best relationship we love each other so much and always have and now we’re back together after a year of separation but some other jerk came into the picture towards the end and she allowed it and it has eating me alive and I’m having a hard time getting past what might’ve went on in the bedroom and so on between those two! It’s unpleasant and unbearable at times to think about. How do you go back? How do we move forward? God if this isn’t one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with in my life I don’t know what is

[@artofdailyliving23]

Wow. Your authenticity in sharing the fullness of feeling (weighted by trauma), is liberating. I frequently numb out (internet, reading, films) and I am watching how you move through this. You are sharing tools to unearth this in a real way. THANK YOU.

[@breathebeloved]

Honoring you in your willingness to expand into the discomfort, Adam. Encouraging you to continue your exquisite journey of tremendous and intentional growth. Thank you. For all that you are, and all that you do.

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

You're welcome and thank you for taking the time to comment and for following along.

[@StephanieKlotzMorningCleanse]

After watching your whole video... I feel in your heart you knew the "truth" about everything because you are at a high level of awareness and listen to yourself. You knew what happened with your girl... that's why you could feel it as soon as she texted you. What is interested is you could feel she was hiding something... not the fact she did something wrong... right? I have this gift also now where you can't lie to me because I feel something is wrong... or I notice I will feel confused. Communication is so important if you want and amazing relationship... and I think you 100% know that! 🙂 Guess I feel lucky to personally have a conscious man in my life... we don't hide ANYTHING from each other....lol!

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

Thank you for sharing your experience while watching this episode. That is beautiful that you have a man in your life that can hold that level of depth in communication.

[@kristydelatorre9091]

I really admire your level of transparency and your dedication to communication. This is a really beautiful episode. Thank you for keeping it so True.

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

you're welcome, thank you for following along and taking the time to share your experience.

[@sindristardust9687]

I've had a similar experience with someone who I was very in love with who was fronting having clear and open communication and really was only giving me a tiny fragment of the truth. As someone who has been lied to and cheated on a lot in past relationships, I really went out of my way to be clear on how important honesty and openness was for me and I did my very best to hold a safe space for that kind of communication. When I found out there had been some betrayal involving another girl, I did not freak out, I did not yell or scream or cry, although I was very hurt. I made a very conscious choice to use that situation as an opportunity to demonstrate that I was someone who was safe to be completely open and honest with. I stayed very calm and asked for a conversation about why this happened and what that meant for us, if he really wanted to be with me or not and if I could continue to be open and trusting in a relationship with him after such a betrayal without becoming paranoid and controlling. We took several days to think all of this over before seeing each other again, and then we had another really good, open and honest conversation about it, so I thought. We decided to move forward with more clarity on what we both wanted, I felt that the whole experience had made us stronger. I made it super clear that all I really wanted was honesty, if he was attracted to other people or liked someone else to let me know, that I would understand and love and respect him for being honest with me, even if the truth was painful for me. He assured me that he would give me that, and that he felt like he could talk to me about anything, but even that was a lie, he was still lying to me and continued to do so for months. In the end, the dishonesty is what really hurt, and I felt so disappointed that I had felt so sure I had created and held this super safe space for the kind of openness and communication that I wanted in a relationship, and instead of meeting me there, as he pretended to do, he took that as an invitation to walk all over me. It was like he saw that if he said certain things that I would continue to trust him completely and he could just go on doing whatever he wanted no matter how that behavior might ultimately affect me and our relationship. I was very disappointed in myself that I couldn't see this, I have always felt that truth has a certain vibration or resonance and that I have always been pretty good at picking up on that. So I have been asking myself a lot, how could my intuition have been so wrong, when it was telling me I could trust this person.....where was I not being totally honest with myself that I allowed myself to stay blind for months to what was really going on? I am working very hard to learn how to trust myself again, and other people too. All of your wisdom available through various outlets has been very helpful to me on this journey back to trusting myself again, so thank you so much Adam. And thank you for sharing your stories so candidly, it is really inspiring and comforting, the human experience.

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

so glad that my content has been helpful to you. thank you so much for sharing so openly with me in the comments here :)

[@carlynoble7173]

Wow Adam, this ep has now got me questioning SO much. I honour you for going there. All the little questions and thoughts which came up for me through this , you then addressed as it went on, thank you. But its lead me to a big one, the old Monogamous vs open relationship. I've never been in an open one and don't think I ever want to, but that's what you've got me questioning, the 'why'. My question to you is, are you wanting Ruby to be your anchor whilst you explore the open relationship route and date other people? Is she your safe space anchor to be able to explore connections with others? If so, then what is the purpose/intention of dating others? Just sexual? or exploring possibilities of other potential long term partners? or purposely to see what comes up within you to be healed through this process? Then why are you needing/wanting Ruby around to do this? Why do you need that safe space held by her? Why not explore things without an anchor? OR are you wanting to commit to her but understandable its too soon for you to re-enter another monogamous relationship. I get the human desire for conscious deep connection and feeling safe, but can this be done well with multiple partners and the same time? Is it our conditioning which has lead us to 1:1 relationships or just human nature? I know some of this is what your whole series is about. I don't know the answers to my questions either btw, Im just curious. And I love that you are surrounded by other conscious men to help each other to explore these subjects. Matt is a gem. Thank you

[@laurennyberg]

A lot of these same questions enter my mind while watching you navigate this. Well stated!

[@Laroxcha]

@@laurennyberg yessss

[@petaapril]

a conversation for days... my thoughts also, articulated well by Carly

[@FreeMeLife]

Hold a space for communication in a safe way. I love that so much.

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

Thank you for being that space for so many people! blessings

[@courtneyspence1452]

This is everything I needed to hear for this current moment in my timeline. Thank you. Navigating the gray area and open communication now.

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

That is beautiful to hear! I am glad it resonated with you presently!

[@deahn85]

I appreciate your realness in this Adam. I love you have Matt there just to throw your thoughts and feelings out too.

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

Thank you! The three of us are very fortunate to have each other around all the time for these reflections.

[@Hiersoir23]

Exactly, all that matters is that how safe you feel in a relationship, otherwise it gets suffocating and ultimately results in heart break.

[@jjbonquiqui]

Okay. I'm not done with the video but I've had a main thought bouncing around in my head the entire time and now that you said "We get to recognize that most women have not been in relationships with men who can hold the space of authentic, transparent communication in a safe way" it kind of confirms what I've been thinking. What I'm noticing about some of the bumps that are showing up is that they are based on suppositions. I am noticing that you are basing your context off of either your main relationship or what's supposed to be "normal" in relationships (like when it was mentioned several times that it was "weird" that she was in Vegas with another man). If we are to hold our truth and our authenticity, it should never be a comparison. It cannot be compared to societal standards for bonding and relationships, and it cannot be compared to past relationships. The only thing that past relationships can do for us is help us determine our preferences, but then to enter a new relationship with our new integrity we HAVE to let the rest go. You have established your preferences, not a comparison to what any other example of a relationship is, and those are the things you should take with you into a new relationship. It is not healthy for us to have constraints because of what society expects from us, and it is not healthy to do that to others. You bring your fresh preferences to another person, free from any individual other than yourself, and the only thing you can suppose of them is for them to do the same. The whole point of a relationship is seeing if our authentic preferences match up with another person. That's what partnership and exploration is. And you cannot place blame on anyone else for dissonance in that any more than they can blame you. So when you say "most women have not been in relationships etc etc" you can't make that comparison. You don't know what each individual has in their experience, nor should it be a container for your expectations from them, or theirs of you. Is it fair that you are uncomfortable with her choices and they aren't your preference? 100%. But you can't place your preferences on anybody else as expectations. You establish whatever communication necessary for that understanding, and if their preferences or authenticity don't align, that's a decision you make. But I wonder how much resistance is caused from supposing things from her that aren't healthy or fair to do. I don't see how they'll help either of you.

[@soniathompson4559]

Soooo much yes to this Adam thankyou!!! I love how much you stand in your truth and align with your soul Thankyou for being in this thankyou for being so open and transparent and sharing it all with us. You are seen, you are heard, you are loved❤❤❤❤

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

Thank you, you are very welcome!

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

Thank you Sonia!

[@FullyToday]

Thank you so so much for sharing this vulnerability. This is what the worlds need, in my opinion. Thank you, I can very relate to this.

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

glad you can related, thank you for the feedback

[@itsbobik]

Great episode, it feels so nice when you know you can be any whichway and still be honored and loved. I think you handled the situation really well, yay for authenticity😁❤️

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

Thank you for sharing that and following along!

[@Noratheskindoc]

Thank you for this. This is a level of trust I've never truly known. Came close once, but I now have a better idea of what that looks like.

[@gingercrosbie8993]

Love this! After watching this and having a conversation with my sister (similar topic, but related to friendships), I decided to do some journalling to help me explore some emotional scars that I've carried around and suppressed throughout my life. Still more work to do, but towards the end of this particular journalling session I was feeling the desire to send a message to a friend, whom I no longer speak to. In my mind my goal was to apologize and let them know hat I valued their friendship in that chapter of my life. However, then I thought about my true intention, was my intention to heal a wound or to seek validation that the friendship was valued from that person? I ultimately decided against sending the message because if I've carried around feelings of not being good enough for others, then I feel like it's more important for me to work through knowing I'm good enough, without getting the validation from someone else. Because ultimately, I'm the one that needs to feel I'm good enough. Thanks for sharing and making me examine the grey areas of life :)

[@jmerrihue1]

This is such an important moment at the beginning of an open relationship. I would get curious. This is such an opportunity to get to know each other. There is no right and wrong answer here, just golden experience to nourish your knowledge of each other. You guys are choosing to embark on a relationship that is non-conventional. These disconnects are your opportunities to discover and be honest with each other about boundaries- what feels good, what doesn't feel good. Trying to judge the way she navigated this by comparing it to how you would have navigated it is based on a philosophy of experiential transactionality. In open relationships, this is disastrous! That grey area is different for each person. Ask her what you want to know about her experiences - before and after or during their happening. Use the pain or discomfort as a compass. Open relationships are all about hyper-communication, slowing things down, and if this is your first one this is your first opportunity to use this to get to know yourself in these tender places, and then share that with each other. What's ok, what's not ok. Intimacy lies behind every communication breakdown. When you choose to get to know each other through the disconnects you can learn what feels good to your body and what doesn't. In telling her those details- you give her the opportunity to learn your boundaries and learn to navigate them. Get vulnerable and ask her for the clarity you want. Then with patience, allow her the space for the practice that it takes to learn someone's boundaries. It sounds like you guys are doing great navigating this! I salute your bravery!

[@MissRubyChase]

Jennifer Merrihue beautiful advice ❤️ thank you. It is truly a navigation. Honored to learn with you Adam :)

[@fabricehamel5984]

This was a beautiful message. Thank you for talking your truth and sharing your story to many. Keep spreading the message. Aloha 🙏💚🌈

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

I still am, thank you for watching :)

[@edenn8591]

First time viewer and commenter! I just sat through this episode stunned and shellshocked. What you said at 20:30, it's true that women haven't had the chance to be in relationships with men that are authentic, transparent communicators, but as a woman who is "brutally honest" and perhaps takes authentic communication a little too seriously, it is devastating. So often I am unable to find a partner who can communicate authentically but still honor their own truths, since the habit seems to be telling white lies and half truths to "avoid getting into trouble", even over the simplest of things. I try to create an environment that fosters openness, acceptance, and a safe space to share any type of experience as long as you're being honest, because that's the environment that I flourish in. I tell my partners that the most frustrating thing is to try and create an environment like that only to realize that they assume that I would react with the same insecurities of past partners (perhaps not an unreasonable assumption given the prevalence of feelings like insecurity, jealousy, etc. in today's society, but a terrible assumption to make of someone who is not like that!). When this happens, I still struggle and am working on understanding how I can improve and create an environment where the other person will feel safe to share, without falling back into my own fears of why I was being lied to: cheating, disingenuity, etc, or actually REACTING to their fears by becoming it (if you treat someone as if they're insecure, all of a sudden they might have reason to be insecure). I think we also skate a fine line between working through that communication barrier with someone who genuinely wants to work on it, or trying to work through that communication barrier and still choosing love with a person who has repeatedly cannot or will not move past that issue. Which then brings us to that issue of trust.. If you're ever back in NYC again, I'd love to dig deeper and explore your thoughts on trying to reconcile choosing love in those situations.

[@Hiersoir23]

Omg. Please don't cry. 😭😭😭 Your words are inspirational for me.

[@rebeccalambert8081]

We think we protect ourselves or even the other person by omitting details and therefore causing gray areas..even when we are not conscious of it, like Ruby, then how can it be transformed without awareness and presence from the other? Gray areas become a breeding ground for unconscious patterns which further promotes omitting, lying, denying, etc. Also, I noticed that at one point you thought Ruby reminded you of you ex.. Then towards the end you said this was something your ex would never do..I would suggest doing your best not to compare the two at all ;)

[@TheFilmmakersWife]

I’d love to hear more about how you both created safety again after feeling unsafe. In my relationship it often seems that once one or the other of us feels a bit unsafe, things change for good and we aren’t super skilled at finding and creating the safety again and especially going deeper than we’ve been before. How do you begin to talk about this? Thanks!!

[@TashkaUrban]

I had an experience like this recently with my ex... We'd originally finished on bad terms... & we had a night of exploration of intimacy (into/me/see) which felt like a closing of our time together... we knew we didn't want to 'be' with each other anymore... yet... the night was a celebration of our appreciation & love for each other which will always be there. It was quite ceremonial. I think if you have trust with this person then sharing intimacy can be healing... humans are so disconnected from intimacy... that we end up playing power games around it, rather than an authentic honouring of human connection

[@TRYLOVEON]

Sooo beautiful, thank you! Such clear insight 💎

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

Thank you!

[@jennbodhi]

Thank you for sharing your beautiful/messy journey!! So much growth and awareness in the journey of love. The grey area can totally fuck with your mind. Trust is so important! Trusting that revealing your true heart and knowing that the other will also be forthcoming in honesty and respect for what you create together and putting it all out there. It is so hard to really show up. With vulnerability and honesty. Without judgement of what you truly want. Doing or not doing because of what another will feel or think. I can totally relate to your pain and honor you for stepping into love and all the feelings that go with it. It is a hard journey but one that is the true spiritual way to living a beautiful life. Awake and acknowledging that the path is the journey. With all the emotions and stumbles. It is growth!! So much love to you, and all of us out there that want to live a more conscious living life. ❤️ Ps...call me 😉

[@gianhart]

Beautiful brother - it was a poetic perfect unfolding with how you handled it and I agreed with you every step of the way. I’d love to know what lens this was all shot with?

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

Thank you! The Vlog itself - the front camera was a canon 50ml 1.2L and the side angle was a canon 70-200 2.8L

[@melwright5170]

You are creating the relationship because you think you have to. Do not sell yourself out. Find genuine friendships that are not modern networking for status, but true nurturing. When you have this nurturing friendship your cup will be filled enough to wait for the right girl. Lots of love. You are overwhelmed with the need of oxycontin from the sexual abuse and are chasing this carrot hon. Your body is addicted to this because it was forced upon you and now I can show you how to find the oxycontin and normalize so you can then be more in control of who you actually are good with. The problem is we are living in tge Walking Dead and there are very few walkers. Lets put it this way... I am... the ancestor of the walkers.

[@Hiersoir23]

"Call me." 😂🤣💙 you are the best.

[@chelseahoulahan1990]

I totally get that you are trying to be in an open relationship. Remember “ first , know thyself”. You need to know your heart and if you want monogamy this will never work. But you will grow stronger trying and learn a lot about your truth therefore stronger relationship in the future.

[@dominikaangelika5076]

Love watching you Adam. Im in same shoes.... Sending love from Ireland xxx

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

Thank you, much love.

[@AUSmr2017]

At 11:11 paused, the part of me that got cheated on feels there is nothing worse than how it happened before with my only partner. And I feel like why was the truth of it when in an open relationship so hard for the other person. At 17:00 I also gathered a feeling that it was all from insecurity and I'm not paying attention to her position enough. At 18:50 I probably wouldn't have kept questioning so this is when I would have found out way later because I would be settling with the fact that it was my fault haha game over! Next time I play I will be careful with what cycles I repeat and when truth is questioned on either side ask was both sides in full integrity. At 23:00 safety for a partner to express whatever they are going through is a huge thing I have been preparing for. Such a good message today

[@Sheribeth55]

Much love to you, Adam :)

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

Much love back!

[@Liz-sf4qo]

Call me!! 😂😂😂. This is a great teaching video! One, I will watch again! I can’t find a man that is aware enough to up level with me. 🤷‍♀️

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

Thank you for watching my series

[@Liz-sf4qo]

AdamRoa you’re welcome... I look forward to the next season.. if there will be another:)

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

@@Liz-sf4qo ;)

[@katienoona2163]

I’m having a bodily reaction just by hearing your story unfold and I’m completely nauseated. I don’t handle the gray area and unknown details well at all...

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

ya I never used to but having the awareness of why we feel that way can be very helpful.

[@katienoona2163]

​@@AdamRoaOfficial I love how you made a point that we don't have to act like our past selves. I've been giving that a lot of thought as I go through this journey and it's been really helpful. Thank you!

[@Hiersoir23]

Of course I will feel hurt knowing that he is with someone else while he should be with me. I'll question myself whether it is right to trust this person and get attached to him, because I have been heart broken before and this type of behavior clearly indicates that he is going to do it again. He is going to make someone else a priority over me.

[@mercedescreates]

omg you're for sure a Capricorn 100% ''I would love to be mentored"

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

:)

[@Hiersoir23]

What does good feel like? Safe. 💕 What does safe feel like? Familiar. 😭

[@dulcemoonchild]

i love you for your honesty, your path your decisions, but since you are asking i'm answering. be alone, be single, that's what you need right now and that's what you've been guided too. Leaving someone you love and feel safe with to see who you are as an INDIVIDUAL not as a partner, you already knew that, Ruby was temptation, i'm not saying that the connection is real, surely it is, but you are going back to your comfort zone of be a couple and not a single man. If Ruby is someone who must need to be in your life, she will be in some point, but seriously you are running again in the same path instead of trying the single one because and here I'm saying it as i'm guided to say it, you are afraid of the man you used to be and feel like by being single you could fall in the same path. I send you love and light in your path

[@melbeech1439]

Laughter is medicine 👍 if I was 20 years younger 🤣💖

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

thank you for following.

[@Hiersoir23]

You are seen, you are heard and you are loved. 💕💕 I love you and we will mentor each other. :D

[@melissarosario2936]

My thought as I pause the video is, why did she fly out to tie up loose ends? Why was the conversation pushed off? Did she not take your emotions into consideration?

[@sunnysun1995]

how can you not trust a person when they failed you once. If it is a pattern out of it, if she does it al the time, then, you should not trust and feel uncomfortable. Or maybe the relationship is not as it used to be.

[@angelacadieux1972]

On a Monday night I dropped them off at work and he told me we could meet up for pizza later but then I never heard anything from him that night I didn't make a big deal of it until the whole day went by in the next night went by I was genuinely concerned for his well-being he just ignored all my texts and then he got angry with me. 💔

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

I think you can find someone who respects you more ❤️

[@rosieharper-pittam4551]

I appreciate you trying to be open, at the same time I feel like you are really giving her a hard time and demanding too much of her. Perhaps she was feeling a little unsafe to tell all but also, perhaps she doesn't have to speak in as blunt terms as you would, why does your way of communicating need to be the base lines? Overall, if she felt like she got closure from it and communicated that to you, maybe you should respect that. Being open is great, feeling pressured to bear all, all the time, with everything! Maybe that's not cool for all of us, at least not all the time?

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

Hi Sister, Thank you for taking the time to share, for me it is about intentionally with holding information to receive a desired outcome. Clear honest communication is the key for me. much love.

[@scphotogirl]

I'll mentor you!

[@deahn85]

I know the grey area very well

[@StephanieKlotzMorningCleanse]

Your so emotional... it's ok I am too...lol 😉❤

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

Thank you! xo

[@angelacadieux1972]

I need your help to get past my broken heart 💔 this cuts deep 💔 he was the love of my life 💔

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

I have a lot of videos on heartbreak. I also have a community of people in thecreatecommunity.com You could get a lot from being a part of the group too :)

[@katushhh24]

21:40 Call me hahahaha

[@catayaloves]

I can help you do some deep ego work, ~ego awareness work if you and the crew care to visit Bellingham WA. 🌿 Different ideas of self seeing can be exchanged and excercised ~ 🙏 I say this in a safe and friendly way and offer my experience . Love, heart opening smile, a breath, and well wishes Cate Fb cate sam adhi

[@AdamRoaOfficial]

Thank you Cate