My Two Favorite Jokes

In which John tells his two favorite jokes, both of which instruct as well as delight, and encourages you to leave your favorite joke in the comments. Long week. I could use a laugh.
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[@Sairin13]

A man is driving out in the country when he stops to ask directions from a local farmer. The farmer is sitting on his porch and the man notices that the rain is coming through the roof of the porch and dripping on the farmer. When he remarks about this to the farmer, the farmer replies, "Oh it's been like that for years" The man asks why the farmer doesn't repair the roof. The farmer says "I can't fix the roof while it's raining" The man asks why doesn't he do it when it's not raining. To which the farmer replies,"When it's not raining the roof doesn't need to be fixed"

[@vlogbrothers]

oh wow this is so good. -John

[@vickigsolomon1241]

@@vlogbrothers This is one of the jokes in the Arkansas Traveler song. It's very old. Another is "Where does this road go? " "It don't go nowhere. It just stays right here."

[@OctagonalGolbat]

That's exactly what it's like to have adhd though 😅

[@NinaDmytraczenko]

+++!

[@ElizaCorder]

+ yesss, I never thought of this as a joke, just knew it from the song, but it works!

[@Tyler-vn3ij]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke up Watson and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: " I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said:" and what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and even if a few have planets, it's quite likely that there are planets like earth. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might be life." And Holmes said:" Watson, you idiot, it means that someone stole our tent."

[@vlogbrothers]

This one is great! And very resonant! -John

[@noahbodycares3005]

+

[@jimsbooksreadingandstuff]

That was the second funniest joke at LaughLab, a 2001 quest by the British Science Association to find the funniest joke. The winner: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

[@natalifortuna8693]

+++

[@pratiksedhain1821]

This is actually very funny.

[@clotildevivier8650]

My favourite joke from when I was a little kid: A man finds a penguin wandering the streets and is very confused. He brings the penguin to the police to ask what to do about it. The police says: You should take it to the zoo. The next day, that same policeman sees the man walking down the street with the penguin still. He asks: "Didn't you take it to the zoo yesterday?" To which the man replies: "I did, and he loved it. Now we're gonna catch a movie."

[@fang_xianfu]

I've heard this with an orangutan before. I like that version because they're smart enough that they could probably understand a movie!

[@BigMustard2099]

What does my ass and the Amish have in common? They both make their own stools.

[@Phazaar]

THE single best joke ever is: I went into the library and asked the librarian for a book on turtles. "Hard back?" "Yeah, with little heads." It makes me SO happy. Even years later.

[@kaleidoslug7777]

I love that, thank you

[@IrisGlowingBlue]

++

[@stazeII]

*slow clap*

[@JaminPotter]

Turns out it was actually Turtles, all the way down

[@sophietakach5683]

Got an actual chuckle out loud from this!

[@BryceZed]

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?” “I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

[@connierobinson1090]

+

[@likebot.]

Deep lesson.

[@jama211]

This makes me upset and sad. Not ok.

[@noahbodycares3005]

+

[@ofMindandHeart]

+

[@quintingell]

I heard about this YA novel about Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog on a cross-country adventure and I wanted to pick it up. When I asked the librarian about it they said it rang a bell but they weren't sure if it was there or not

[@Emily-un1wp]

+

[@petrichor9417]

Good one 😂

[@bouncingbean]

I chortled at this, but also really want to read that book!

[@shalvigarimanegi]

Haha nice one

[@jameskilgour387]

Wait so it's not a real book? Dammit I got excited for a second

[@kingsizedbaby608]

my favorite standup-joke: bo burnham gets on stage and asks the crowd: "do you guys like impressions?" the crowd cheers he starres at them and asks: "why?" a moment of silence then he says: "that was socrates"

[@emilybach4814]

My favorite “informative” joke. Worth the read imo. A businessman was standing at the end of the pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The businessman complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The businessman then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The businessman then asked: “But what do you do with the rest of your time?” The fisherman said: “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my friends. I have a full and busy life”. The businessman scoffed. “I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.” The fisherman asked: “But how long will this all take?” To which the businessman replied: “Fifteen or twenty years”. “But what then?” The businessman laughed and said: “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions”. “Millions? Then what?” The businessman said: “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends”.

[@sophietakach5683]

Nice. Don’t know why you didn’t get more likes

[@sprotte6665]

I didn't laugh, but that was so satisfying to read!

[@emmadonnini2210]

And it involves fishing boat proceeds!

[@onman14]

@@sophietakach5683 people probably get scared of reading this much

[@drdoof2940]

this is really good 😩😩

[@WhaleTank]

A girl walks into an allergist's office. She explains her symptoms to the allergist. The allergist ask "how often do you sneeze?" The girl replies "the normal amount." The licensed allergist responds "It is not normal to sneeze. I never sneeze."

[@SToXC_.]

explain? or its just bad idk

[@mshep]

+

[@papalosopher]

Excellent.

[@papalosopher]

@@SToXC_. you have to listen to the podcast.

[@TallBison]

This one made me laugh the most

[@effemeris890]

Ivan Pavlov is sitting in a bar, having a drink. A customer walks into the bar, and the bell over the door chimes. Pavlov puts down his drink, looks up with a shock, and says "Shit! I forgot to feed the dogs."

[@finneganjohn3249]

+

[@candycoatedcactus]

+

[@Setheli216]

I love the message of this one

[@columbus8myhw]

I think this has happened to me.

[@spiritbond8]

i don't get it

[@futuremustache]

I was in a job interview the other day and the woman asked me to describe my greatest weakness. I responded, "well more often than not I'll interpret the semantics of a question rather than the pragmatics". She was intrigued. "Oh" she replied, "could you give me an example?" And I said, "yeah".

[@Ikine557]

This is amazing and I am going to use it in a lesson about pragmatics XD

[@ye11owflower]

Studying to become a speech language pathologist - this joke is going to be make me so popular lol!

[@elfutbolphenom]

So good

[@sarahjeanne9551]

a horse walks into a bar. the bartender says “wow horse, you’re in here a lot these days, I think you might be an alcoholic.” the horse says “I don’t think I am” and then pops out of existence. so the joke is a reference to french philosopher rene descartes’ famous quote “I think therefore I am,” but if I told you that first, i’d be putting DESCARTES BEFORE THE HORSE

[@Morphimus]

Excellent one. Love how it seems like an absurdist non-sequitor at first.

[@arleyantes9321]

This get us off guard

[@devinhiatt9995]

Outstanding

[@mygutsaysmaybe1509]

Worthy of DH&J

[@gracezaky1192]

made me chuckle this one

[@YIsTheEarthRound]

One of my favourites (taken from Reddit): A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

[@heatherstock4491]

+

[@miriamrosemary9110]

Amazing! 😂

[@joshmyer9]

As someone with a linguistics degree, I 110% believe this story happened. The departments are full of sarcastic smartasses who love wordplay. During a lecture about word formation via prefix/suffix/infix, the prof showed infixes in Tagalog. He then asked "Does English have any infix morphemes?" I looked around the silent classroom for a few seconds before throwing out "Abso-fucking-lutely!" One of the prouder moments of my ling degree. (Historically, that's pretty much the only common English infix, except! In the 90s, The Simpsons introduced "Homeric ma", used in things like "saxa-ma-phone.")

[@Nyzackon]

+

[@kaya347]

+

[@vlogbrothers]

The last 35ish seconds of this video is my whole existence at the moment. -John

[@shalvigarimanegi]

Haan. Take care 🌸

[@marinalundell8367]

Very relatable... How are coping?

[@bavadin9877]

Yeah, I've felt that way for a while as well

[@sanahasnain8031]

… 😒 it is entirely too relatable John

[@mariewikiwaka3851]

John how was the Euripides joke not on this list?

[@danagerber6852]

A husband gets his wife an elephant for their room. She thanks him, and he says, "Don't mention it."

[@MonsteroftheMW]

This joke is criminally underrated.

[@fudgesauce]

@@MonsteroftheMW -- OK, I'll admit to being stupid. Please explain the joke.

[@savchil]

@@fudgesauce "Elephant in the room" is a common phrase used to denote something that is very obvious to everyone but goes without being ackowledged or discussed because doing so would cause feelings of awkwardness or discomfort

[@boringturtle]

A Pratchett quote that's had me laughing for days that might qualify: Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life

[@mephostopheles3752]

Another great Pratchett quote from The Color of Magic. Our “hero” Rincewind is talking to the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, and is essentially told not to run away and abandon the task he’s been given. Rincewind says “I assure you, the thought had never even crossed my mind, Lord!” and the Patrician responds, “Indeed? Then if I were you, I’d sue my face for slander.” Man had such a way with words. I think about this quote on a near daily basis simply because I never would’ve thought to put it that way.

[@asterismos5451]

I love that quote

[@augusta.5089]

out of all the comments i've read on this video, this one made me actually laugh out loud hahahah

[@ninnusridhar]

Pratchet was a god among us mortal men. "The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it's not murder if you do it for a god)."

[@dextermays890]

that's actually from jim butcher! another great authoer, i can recommend his series the dresden files enough :)

[@abigailginzburg]

One of my father's favorite jokes: A man is convinced that he is a seed and is therefore quite afraid of chickens for chickens eat seeds. Eventually, the man's friends convince him to see a therapist and he slowly comes to understand that he is a human, not a seed. On his last day of treatment, he waves the doctor goodbye and walks outside, only to run back immediately, terrified. "What happened?" Asked the doctor. "I saw a chicken!" Answered the man. "But why are you afraid? You know you are not a seed." "True, I do. But does the chicken know that?"

[@misslenorelee6322]

this is such an amazing metaphor for recovering from complex mental health disorders created by trauma, yes I understand now that my trauma informs alot of my thinking process today and I understand that I am no longer in a situation where the source of my trauma can do me harm. But does the source of my trauma know that.

[@kzyub]

+

[@AmaraJordanMusic]

As someone who has terrible anxiety, I like this joke a lot. It wraps up some of the mindset where little quirks become big things that inform our lives and how we are allowed to behave and live within them. Even After you tackle a lot of what’s tripping you up, something can come from out of NOWHERE and be a whole new side to the problem, requiring the same amount of time and effort, if not more, than what you’ve already worked on. I’m going to be using this joke. 👍🏻

[@theresemurphy2578]

That may be the smartest, wryest, most insightful, best joke I've ever heard.

[@tazmon122]

a college student recently moved into their new apartment went to the furniture store down the street and said "i'm looking for a good deal on a couch, nothing too flashy, just clean and comfortable" the salesperson says "well you've come to the right place! lets start with this beauty over here, it can fit up to 5 adults no problems" the student's face dropped and asked "where am i going to find 5 adults with no problems?

[@vlogbrothers]

Brilliant!

[@heatherstock4491]

+

[@lyreparadox]

+

[@oswenaisla4016]

+

[@kingsizedbaby608]

"I wanna get a map and put pins in all the spots I've visited, but first I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down" -mitch hedberg

[@elayna_]

+

[@gertrudesuzan9253]

I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra" "that's a freebie" - I found that one delightful.

[@catherineyow6325]

Love it!!! 😂😂😂

[@WouldntULikeToKnow.]

Cute

[@elayna_]

+

[@lysaali50]

-i found that bee-utiful-

[@ToriKo_]

Beekeepers dozen

[@TheShaleco]

Teaching is not for sensitive souls. While reviewing future, past, and present tenses with my English class, I posed this question: “‘I am beautiful’ is what tense?” One student raised her hand. “Past tense.”

[@anthonynorman7545]

Oof...not wrong

[@chrisandfluffs]

Kids are brutal!!!

[@cubeofcheese5574]

😔

[@PlanckRelic]

💀

[@duskyHeHe]

Ouch

[@chloconuttree]

I don't quite remember who told me this joke, but it's definitely one of my favorites. So there's a man who operates trains for a living, but has a bad habit of falling asleep while doing so. One day, he falls asleep while driving and mistakenly runs someone over. He goes to court, and it's determined that he'll receive the death penalty via electric chair. So they take him to the chair and sit him down, and the executioner asks, "Do you have any last requests before you die?" The man says "Yes, I would like a banana." The executioner, a bit confused, gives him a banana, which the man in the chair happily eats. The executioner then turns on the chair, and miraculously nothing happens to the man. The executioner takes this to be an act of God, and the man goes free. The man returns to his job of operating trains, and winds up falling asleep at the wheel again and killing two more people. He goes to court, is sentenced to death, and finds himself in the electric chair once again. The executioner asks, "Do you have any last requests before you die?" This time, the man in the chair requests 2 bananas, of which he is provided. The man eats the bananas, and the executioner turns on the chair, and nothing happens to the man. The man goes free once more, to return to operating trains. Predictably, be falls asleep at the wheel and kills three more people. He goes to court, is sentenced to death, goes to the electric chair, and is once again prompted, "Do you have any last requests before you die?" The man says, "Yes, I would like 3 bananas." The executioner exclaims "NO, I refuse to give you any more bananas!" The executioner proceeds to turn on the chair, but it still has no effect on the man. Defeated, the executioner says, "I don't understand. I didn't give you any bananas. Why won't it work?" The man in the chair responds, "It has nothing to do with the bananas, I'm just a bad conductor."

[@mlnyonasi]

hA! worth the read...made me chuckle!

[@chloconuttree]

@@mlnyonasi I'm glad!! Lol i love jokes that get you invested all for a corny punchline

[@idontwritecomments]

Who the F keeps hiring him for the same job?!?!

[@charlottebass8277]

@@idontwritecomments a bad conductor

[@Someone-jf8uw]

LOL

[@BartvG88]

On a vacation trip, my father fell and cut his leg up pretty bad and needed a blood transfusion. None of us could figure out his blood type. As he lay dying, he kept saying: “Be positive!” But it’s hard without him.

[@puppyDawg128]

My favorite joke might fit in here- Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

[@24Botnix]

😂 Im definitely stealing this.

[@aslightlysavageburrito8217]

John Cleese, right?

[@johnchessant3012]

After a long night at the bar, a guy invites his friend to see his new apartment. As they enter, the friend notices a large gong against the wall and asks, "What's with the gong?" The guy says, "Oh, that's not a gong, that's my talking clock". He picks up the mallet and hits the gong. From the other side of the wall they both hear, "Shut up! It's 3 in the goddamn morning!"

[@bouncingbean]

LOL! This was a new one for me.

[@sexyscientist]

That's funny and sad and instructive.👍

[@indubio1]

+

[@miriamrosemary9110]

Cute 🤣

[@robzrapid3166]

+

[@tsnap4]

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

[@trixicoriko2006]

+

[@IMakeupStuff]

+

[@snowybowietheadventurecollie]

+

[@neweyesable]

+

[@tmntallthewaydw]

+

[@windsroad-]

My dad tells this joke: Once, there was a man named Odd. He hated his name. It caused him no end of trouble and people constantly made fun of him. By the end of his life, he had gotten so sick of his name that he put in his will that he wanted NO name on his tombstone. He died, and his will was followed, so as he asked his tombstone didn't have a name. Just his birthdate and his death date. Ever after, people would come and walk through the cemetery and see his grave and its tombstone without a name, and they'd say to themselves, "Now, isn't that odd?"

[@SurrealExposure12]

Brilliant. Hah

[@jenniferallday]

Awww, I remember my grandparents telling this one! Haven't thought of it in years- thanks for the nostalgia!

[@sweetsandcharades8383]

I actually think that Odd is a Norwegian name? I think I saw it as an author’s name years ago 🤔 (Good joke 👍)

[@lichen420]

"I'm tired of following my dreams. I'm going to ask them where they are going and meet up with them later." - Mitch Hedberg

[@hannahs4054]

+ Sometimes you just stumble across things at the right time

[@RandyJames22]

😀

[@RandyJames22]

Also: "My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

[@lichen420]

@@RandyJames22 :-)

[@rbb9753]

My favorite from Mitch: I am against protesting, but I do not know how to express it

[@kelseybuckley2942]

whenever i'm on a road trip and we see cows i love to remark "oh look a swarm of cows!" to which somebody else will reply "a herd of cows" and i say "of course i've heard of cows, there's a whole swarm of them right over there!"

[@mlemleh]

Classic, I love it!

[@emmadonnini2210]

+++

[@dreadogastusf3548]

A little off the requested parameters but still very funny. I hope I remember that when I'm road tripping with my grand kids.

[@betsyradley3178]

The whole shtick taught to me by my grandfather and repeated thousands of times in my life. ‘Look, a bunch of cows’ ‘Not bunch, herd’ ‘Heard of what?’ ‘Herd of cows!’ ‘Of course I’ve heard of cows’ ‘No I mean a cow herd’ ‘What do I care that a cow heard, I didn’t say anything I wasn’t supposed to’

[@duck8dodgers]

A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit leans over to the bartender and says, "I don't want to alarm anyone, but I think I might be a typo." I find this delightful, and it's a great reminder of the importance of proof reeding everythong.

[@osilion]

Here's another version of this joke that you might enjoy: A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The technician asks them what blood type they are. The rabbit replies, "I don't know what they are, but I am pretty sure I am a Type O."

[@mayagayam]

Loooove 😆😆❤️

[@joeinohio]

I heard a variant of this: A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into the bar. The rabbit says, “I’m sorry, I think there’s been a clerical error.”

[@zahraghandi1361]

I'm not a native and don't understand the joke. Can you explain?

[@duck8dodgers]

@@zahraghandi1361 rabbi and rabbit are only one letter off and if you accidentally type a letter you didn't mean to it is called a typo.

[@aletheiaverite]

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit. She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride". Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck. She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "don't blame the tractor honey" and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky. Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard. What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years. Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wifes death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner. The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan."

[@MissingRaptor]

The set up was totally worth it! 😂😂😂😂😂

[@TurangaNibbler]

*these* are the jokes that I kick myself for loving. Lots of detail, developed characters, intriguing narrative, escalating steadily until just the right the moment when you've invested so much .. then you're slapped down with a bad pun. The kind of joke that leaves you disappointed yet gratified

[@Raye938]

Three pirate jokes I like. 1) "What is a pirate's favorite letter?" Everyone says R to this, you respond "Arrr is a great letter, but my true love be the C" 2) Pirate walks into a bar and the bartender goes "What happened to you!" The pirate says "huh?" bartender "When you left here you were whole, now you have a missing eye and a hook!" Pirate says "Oh I had my hand cut off in a duel" Bartender "..and the eye?" Pirate "A bird shat in me eye." Bartender "..and it got infected or what?" Pirate "I wasn't used to the hook yet" 3) Pirate falls out of a crows-nest and crashes through the deck onto the captain's table. Captain "Are you alright!?" falling pirate "Aye captain, I've been through hard ships before"

[@barbtalbott8911]

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says "uh, do you know you have a ships wheel stuck in your pants?" The pirate replies "Aye! It's drivin' me nuts!"

[@wakjagner]

You tell these in rapid succession- "What's a pirates favorite animal?" Arrrrdvark. "What's a pirates favorite vegetable?" Arrrrugala. "What's a pirates favorite school subject?" (Arrrrrrrt or Arrrrithmatic, audience depending.) "What's a pirates favorite element?" (you'll hear Arrrrgon or Arrrrrsenic) "Nay, tis Gold!"

[@Raye938]

@@wakjagner I'll be using this shortly.

[@julietijerina8176]

"What is a pirate's favorite letter?" Everyone says R to this, you respond "No, P...'cause it's an arrrrr with a missin' leg!"

[@alanartero1999]

A man named Irving woke up early one morning excited about the first day at his new job. He got ready, kissed his wife Margie goodbye and left. Margie drank her coffee and was watching the morning news, when they begin reporting about active chaos on the highways. She immediately calls her husband saying, "Irving be be careful, there is a madman on the highway driving the wrong direction!". Irving replies, "You're right Margie, but there's not one, there's hundreds of them!".

[@vlogbrothers]

I love this one. -John

[@marcellastname6862]

I love how the hamlet plot was a distraction from the punchline

[@veronicaholme803]

I sat there for the longest time like “but why is the moth Hamlet???”

[@angelcdeath]

Thought that seemed oddly specific, thanks.

[@LoveLearnShareGrow]

I knew that plot sounded familiar. Sheesh.

[@cloudshape2296]

Y'all should look up Norm Macdonald's telling of the joke. Believe it or not, John Green put in the plot of Hamlet to make the joke shorter.

[@Xatzimi]

For real, I spent the entire joke trying to predict how a moth/Hamlet pun was going to work

[@mmceorange]

Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're actually really good at it.

[@RenayOpish]

I mean, elephant jokes are definitely a class unto themselves.

[@karinh2094]

This joke taught me several new words: A man walked barefoot across the desert, telling the fortune of anyone he passed. He walked for many miles, making the bottoms of his feet rough and dry. He ate only what he could find in the desert, which led him to grow weak and frail. His diet was such that it also gave him terribly bad breath. At the end of his journey he was a Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis

[@HelloFutureMe]

I was not prepared for a joke about moths to make me reflect on my "free-will-ish" existence, but here I am

[@gummyglenn83]

Exostinsiol

[@anthonydavis5288]

Hey Hello Future Me! Yeah the joke was pretty good

[@nujumkey]

Love your channel!

[@sebastianoleary2743]

But why is the Moth Hamlet? All of his problem are just taken from the plot of that play. I thought it would factor into the punchline but no, it's just window dressing I guess.

[@transhumean]

Seeing you comment here made my day!

[@astrid8874]

And the Lord said unto John: "Come forth and receive eternal life" But John came fifth and won a toaster

[@ofMindandHeart]

+

[@drunklandlord]

I’m not even sure why I love biblical allusion so!

[@miloshaymin]

This one got me

[@bitbeak]

Maybe not the most informative joke in the comments, but this is definitely the one that made me laugh the hardest.

[@chloconuttree]

Ahhhh an oldie but a goodie

[@41DegreesSouth]

My favourite - "I was reading the other day, about the leading cause of dry skin around the world. Yeah, turns out it's towels."

[@sherrysung8334]

A preacher, walking by a beautiful field of wheat, calls out to the farmer working there. "Nice field you and the Lord have made here." The farmer replies, "You should have seen it when He had it all to himself."

[@inem6474]

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.

[@pintpullinggeek]

This one...I...I just can't.

[@krystofdayne]

Damn that is meta xD

[@oneminuteofmyday]

That one was physically painful.

[@heatherstock4491]

+

[@miriamrosemary9110]

Woah, clever!

[@themripley]

My 2 favourite jokes: Two goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing"? And my other: A man walks into a library and says "Can I have some fish and chips please". The librarian stares at him and says "Sir, this is a library". The man apologises and then whispers "Can I have some fish and chips please". Don't think they instruct but hopefully they delight.

[@SacredDaturana]

I like the version of the first joke that adds a second stinger: the other goldfish goes "oh my god, a talking fish!"

[@bendyer4567]

Two muffins are in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, “Man, is it just me or is it getting hot in here.” And the other muffin says, “AAAH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!”

[@heatherstock4491]

+

[@miriamrosemary9110]

I especially like the first one! And I like @Blackfish's extra bit :)

[@bethjohn1303]

Or my fave - "Two goldfish in a tank. One says, "FIRE""

[@reginag4053]

My husband's favorite joke: A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Gimme a beer and a mop." My favorite joke: Knock Knock Who's there? Control freak. Okay, now you have to say, "Control freak, who?

[@JordanThatblondegirl]

A Roman walks into a bar with his buddies, holds up two fingers, and says “5 beers please.” More of a visual pun but I adore it.

[@24Botnix]

That's actually so clever 😂

[@girlwithtehface5880]

I have a joke that's the same one hundred years ago as it is today. Not all construction jobs are equally exciting. For example, making a hole larger is boring, while putting two pieces of metal together is riveting.

[@artistsComplex]

Omg I love this one lol

[@IrisGlowingBlue]

++

[@Mo-nj2hp]

Love the joke and the profile picture!

[@kentross1134]

Not a lot of technological advancements in construction I guess

[@Arionlappy]

Yup. You got me. I laughed out loud.

[@GeoDGeo]

From Dimitri Martin (paraphrased): "Most German Shepherds are dogs."

[@acorntheforestegg8650]

Haha! I just posted a Demetri Martin Joke too! Comic genius 😎

[@mlemleh]

Fantastic!

[@heddam232]

My favorite Dimitri Martin joke: "According to scientists, about 60 % of the world's camouflage is undiscovered"

[@Rutabagas]

The other ones are german shepherds

[@JasonRiek]

My two favorite jokes: A priest, a mechanic, and a programmer are in a car. At the top of a hill, the brakes give out and it goes careening down the hill. They manage to steer it into a ditch and avoid getting hurt. The priest says "Praise God for saving us!" The mechanic says "Nonsense, it's probably a minor issue, I can fix it." The programmer says "Why don't we push it up to the top of the hill and try again? It might work this time." A priest, a gambler, and an engineer are to be executed by guillotine during the French revolution. The priest is first, and asked if he has any last requests. "I wish to face my creator, so I place me in the guillotine face up." They do so and drop the blade, which stops halfway down. "A miracle!" the crowd exclaims, and the priest is freed. The gambler is next, and asked for his last request. "Well, it worked for him, so I'll go face up too." He does so, and again the blade stops halfway down. "Another miracle!" and the gambler is also freed. The engineer is last, and says "Well, it worked for them, I might as well try it, so I'll go face up as well." He is placed in the guillotine when he says "Oh, I see the problem!"

[@thewingedporpoise]

that second one really got me, thank you

[@melaniescharrer7190]

Favorite joke: two muffins are in an oven and one muffin says "sure is hot in here" and the other muffin goes "AAAAH! A talking muffin!"

[@99thTuesday]

A man is taking an evening walk when he spots a friend of his down on their hands and knees under a streetlamp. “What are you looking for, Frank?”, the man said. “I’ve lost my keys” “What right here?” “No, over there in the bushes, but the light is better here”

[@vlogbrothers]

A++++ for resonance!!! -John

[@live4twilight4ever]

oh no that one is too real

[@OneRandomLeo]

Frank could be a moth, too 🤣

[@miriamrosemary9110]

+

[@vigilantcosmicpenguin8721]

I think there's better light in the podiatrist's office.

[@InnuendoStudios]

An American tourist stops into a Spanish restaurant. Wanting to get a taste for local cuisine, the tourist asks the waiter for the special, despite not being able to understand the menu. The meal comes - a delicious, savory meat dish that the tourist adores. After finishing, the tourist asks the waiter, "Can you tell me what this dish was?" The waiter replies, "It is the testicles of the bull that lost in today's bullfight." The tourist is somewhat taken aback, but can't deny that the food was delicious, and they are glad to have ordered it. The next time the tourist visits Spain, they go to the same restaurant and order special again. But this time the portions are smaller and the flavor is bitter. The tourist calls the waiter over and asks, "What has changed about this recipe? Last time I came here, it was delicious." And the waiter says, "My friend, the bull does not lose every time."

[@hexeddecimals]

I've been enjoying your co-vids! Good joke too!

[@pokerraper1]

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh

[@noahbodycares3005]

+

[@OtakuAlice]

+

[@anthonynorman7545]

This one definitely informs!

[@Sodaburger]

My favorite joke: Two goldfish are in their tank; one turns to the other and says "You man the guns, I'll drive"

[@barbtalbott8911]

Two fish are swimming in a lake when they run into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam".

[@wakjagner]

Very nearly the same as my favorite joke: Two goldfish are sitting in a tank; the one turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

[@sophielewis9276]

I have this anxiety around commenting these kinds of things, because to you I am one of many millions of strangers who appreciate and care about you and what you produce. But to me, you are the friend whose words, both written and spoken, carried me through the darkest parts of life since I stumbled across this channel in 2008. I annoyed my accounting class with snorts of laughter reading Paper Towns amidst a thick bout of depression in 2012. I listened to Dear Hank and John on my way to be with my dad after his stroke in 2016. Now, I read essays from The Anthropocene Reviewed to my husband before we go to sleep at night. And I still get excited every time there is a new video. I love you, like the older brother I've always imagined you to be. May you have company in this labyrinth of suffering. I'm sorry if I don't have a meaningful joke right now. I only have a heart full of care. I needed to make that known.

[@beemeistah]

+

[@janine2957]

this is so so beautifully put

[@1laurelei1]

❤

[@yuricorrea2491]

I hope @vlogbrothers see this.

[@goldshield10]

Infinite mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth one is about to order when the bartender slams down two beers and exclaims, "Guys! Know your Limits!"

[@miriamrosemary9110]

Love it

[@davidgreen139]

Yo this one is fantastic. Definitely going to use in my future math classroom

[@wildechild72]

A psychic goes out to buy clothes Employee: How about this one? Psychic: That shirt is too small. Employee: You didn’t even try it on. Psychic: I’m a medium.

[@Vallam23]

I'm a psychic, I can always tell that when a joke starts with someone being called a psychic the punchline will be about sizes

[@megs2244]

thanks, this made me snort

[@mjolnir3309]

that reminds me of the dwarf psychic who escaped from prison. apparently, there is a small medium at large. (yep vallam23, it's about sizes, good call)

[@eimazd]

Ah, I was expecting "Sorry, I just can't see myself in it."

[@ThinkingPower0]

I read this online somewhere with clean jokes: I go to my job and dread my coworker. All they do is complain about not wanting to be there and wanting to go home. Today, they thought they had a clever solution. Before the boss came in, they stood on a table and put their arms alive their head. When the boss came in, they asked, "What in the hell are you doing up there?" To which my co-worker replies, "I'm a lightbulb." Flabbergasted, the boss said that my co-worker obviously has a screw loose and should probably go home for the day. As they get their belongings to leave, I begin grabbing my stuff as well. The boss asked, "Where are you going? We're already down one person for the day." To which I replied, "You can't expect me to work in the dark."

[@Hermaniac8]

I'd be happy if the moth joke stopped at "if only there were one problem" That's some good, bleak absurdism all by itself.

[@Merlincat007]

I think it's funnier with the misdirection though! Especially the way Norm McDonald tells it

[@stephendill312]

Substitute millipede and you're there

[@MrZAPPER1000]

@@Merlincat007 so weird that This video just came out a week before Norm passed RIP

[@OwlMae]

John you told this one on Dear Hank and John a little while ago: Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.

[@chofaimporovitch1543]

Groucho Marx

[@brandonbrooks1073]

Another pig joke! I was driving down a back road the other day and saw something strange - a farmer in a field holding a pig up to into the branches of an apple tree - I drove on, but on my return trip i noticed the same thing happening again, perplexed i pulled over to ask the farmer what he was doing. "Feeding the pig apples", he said. Confused i asked him, "Wouldn't it save time to pick the apples off the tree first?", to which he replied, "whats time to a pig?"

[@vlogbrothers]

Excellent resonance! -John

[@vigilantcosmicpenguin8721]

What's time to a pig? That is really a great sentient.

[@mikedonovan8811]

I thought when the moth said, “If only there were just one” problem, it was because he had six feet.

[@dark_neverland]

I am terrible at remembering jokes but keep picture versions on my phone of ones that hit me in a particular way. My favorite of them: In Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor...making him the Centaur for Disease Control. Word pun/play never fails to make me laugh, even if it's corny like "dad jokes"

[@madhippy3]

I had to read that very slowly, but I finally got it. Good one.

[@freedapeeple4049]

How long is a Chinese name Punctuate as you see fit.

[@rileylittleraven]

I totally forgot about this one! Thank you - I'm dreading something that's supposed to happen any minute now, so reading this was a welcome distraction.

[@crashmatrix]

I'm not sure this actually qualifies as a joke, but it always makes me smile, and might be my favorite so far: Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

[@sophianeiblum2245]

👏

[@james4thedoctor482]

I like how flies can be the verb with time and fruit as the nouns or like can be the verb with flies as the noun!

[@rishikeshpokar6249]

@@james4thedoctor482 y

[@rishikeshpokar6249]

Ik

[@OliverHatched]

Groucho Marx wrote that one!

[@charlesburke2056]

A man is passing a house when he sees, "Talking dog for sale - $10." Well he obviously doesn't believe the dog can talk, but he decides to check it out. He knocks on the door, and the owner tells him to go around back to see the dog. The man goes around back and seeing the dog on the lawn, says, "So you're a talking dog, eh?" "Indeed I am," responds the dog, much to the man's surprise. "You might recognize me from NPR where I have several podcasts. Radio is an easier place to make a living as a talking dog." "Hold on," the man says, "You're a talking dog who makes media for NPR?" "Not only that," says the dog, "I do all my own research. In fact, some of the research for my science podcasts has been used in the books of Stephen Hawking. He thanked me personally for my contributions to science." "You knew Stephen Hawking?" "Sure! Obama introduced us when I was working in the White House!" The man is astounded and goes inside to talk to the owner. "Why are you selling this incredible dog for only $10?" The owner replies, "Because he's a goddam liar."

[@finneganjohn3249]

+

[@candycoatedcactus]

+

[@Amandcr]

+

[@kaleidoslug7777]

+

[@treeofblue4923]

So good

[@skittlecookie715]

My friend once told me this in eighth grade, and while doesn’t really instruct, its persistence in my joke library reminds me that sometimes there is joy in the simple and the silly. It goes, in call and response style: A:”What do we want?” B:”NASCAR noises!” A:”When do we want them?” B:”NEEEYYOOOWWWW!”(race car noise)

[@emilypresleysee]

Definitely made me smile! 😏

[@CircleThinker]

I worked that out at "NASCAR noises" but the punchline still made me smile. Excellent!

[@jaqihegland6232]

"What do we want?" "Ambiguity!" "When do we want it?" "... oh, you know, whenever."

[@ItsCatchin]

Another farmer based joke here, it’s been many years since I’ve heard this one told so apologies if I get it wrong to any real fans of this joke. A farmer is out on the field when he watched a rabbit hop into the road where it was struck by a motorist. The farmer looked on as the driver got out of the vehicle, examined the rabbit, pulled something out of his trunk, knelt over the rabbit, and drove off. Miraculously, the rabbit was very much alive, and from the distance, it raised a paw to the farmer as if waving. It hopped a few meters away, turned back to the farmer, and waved again, hopped a few more meters and waved again. This continued on and on until the rabbit was beyond the horizon. The farmer decided to drive his tractor out to the roadside of his field to see what had caused this strange miracle. On the ground where the driver had knelt was a bottle that must have been left behind. The farmer flips it over to see it is a bottle of shampoo that reads “hair rejuvenator: for long-lasting waves.”

[@lilliandadon9048]

I love this one lolll It was told to me by an old man who works at the botanical gardens. He told the joke by saying that it was a woman in a hotrod with long beautiful flowing hair who hit the rabbit. Hilarious

[@CHK046]

Two strangers sat down opposite each other in a railway carriage. One of the men had on his lap a cardboard box with holes in the top. After some time wondering what might be inside it, the second man said, “Excuse me, but I couldn’t help noticing your box. Does it contain an animal?” The first man smiled politely. “Yes, a mongoose.” “A mongoose? Where are you going with that?" “Ah,” the first man replied, “My sister has terrible dreams. She sees snakes everywhere. I'm taking her the mongoose so it can scare them off." “But how can that work,” the second man said, “Those are imaginary snakes?” “Indeed,” his fellow traveller replied. “Which is why this,” he says whilst tapping on the top of the box, "is an imaginary mongoose.”

[@ssatva]

This goes towards how I manage my anxiety at times; therefore, instructive. I like.

[@Sandtalon]

This is wonderful 10/10 joke

[@laurahtje]

Oh I like it!

[@Future_Pheonix]

This is like the sheep in Le Petit Prince.

[@pietrocelano23]

what a complex situation

[@lloydy272]

My favourite joke: Man in the army goes around and every scrap of paper he sees on the floor, he picks up and shouts "nope, that's not it". He does this for weeks and his senior officers notice and send him for a medical exam. The doctor examines him and determines he is unfit for duty and hands him his discharge papers. The man looks at them and shouts "that it!".

[@ccnomad]

* Laughs in Klinger *

[@user-jt8on8mj2c]

🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@RainaRamsay]

Catch-22 in 4 sentences, lol

[@ameliafrandsen668]

This one legitimately made me laugh out loud, thank you

[@spiritbond8]

it's only not funny cuy it's too real, when i was in the army a guy stuck a fork in a tree and watered the fork every day until they sent him home

[@leandrapund7083]

One of my all-time favorite jokes: What do you get when you mix a dyslexic, an agnostic, and an insomniac? a person who lies awake at night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

[@Athena963]

I finally made it! I'm the person in the joke!

[@AnnaMayKremer]

Have you heard about the dwarf who talks to dead people and just escaped from prison? He’s a small medium at large.

[@montywoodside]

I remember reading that in Infinite Jest

[@CL-go2ji]

+++

[@linekill]

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them." - Mitch Hedberg

[@infrabread]

An old ship captain, after years of good service, dies. He was one of the most revered captains his nearly 50 year career. The crew had little idea what to do with all his belongings gathered from all the country's he's visited. After a few weeks of talking it through with the crew and family, the first mate remembers a weird habit the captain had. Every single time, just before docking, the captain took out a small locket from his jacket pocket, look at it, and put it back. In all his time with the captain, he never asked what was in the locket. After looking through the boxes of this clothes, they fished out the jacket. Finding the jacket, and locket within, the first mate, for the first time in his time knowing the captain, opens it. All that is in the locket are 4 words: "Port= left. Starboard= right".

[@OopzyDayzy]

i like this joke, and... in case anyone is missing their locket, "there is only a little Port (wine) left." also, as a backup, port and left both have 4 letters.

[@miajar]

I relate too much to this! No boat with me in it will ever go in the right direction xD

[@vigilantcosmicpenguin8721]

Now that's certainly resonant.

[@JimBob4233]

@@OopzyDayzy That's also how you remember which way the colours go, as port is red

[@axelasdf]

@@JimBob4233 right and green have the same number of letters.

[@PaulMason99]

This is an old joke but I first came across it via Douglas Adams' "Long Dark Tea-time of the Soul" I'm quoting his version of it: "We're terribly worried about Uncle Henry. He thinks he's a chicken." "Well, why don't you send him to the doctor?" "Well, we would only we need the eggs" The thing I like about this is that as someone who used to be very religious but isn't any more I find I have beliefs I feel I've outgrown but somehow, I still need the eggs.

[@vlogbrothers]

Oh, I like that one! Very very resonant! -John

[@anthonynorman7545]

Get a vegan meal. :) some times we only know how little we need the eggs once we stop eating them. Funny enough, I'm cooking eggs.

[@isaacostlund]

I thought the point of this joke was that the niece/nephew was the crazy one, as only an actual chicken could be laying eggs. Still resonant, as often people are convinced they see the insanity in others when its their crazy interpretation that's really apparent.

[@drunklandlord]

I find the beliefs and the eggs all the time when I’m talking to my therapist!

[@aedanhenry]

I think this one was in the movie Annie Hall too

[@FredDavison]

There are 2 hard problems in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-1 errors

[@AwkwardSpaceOctopus]

Heard this common quote in a university lecture today, and it may qualify. :) “In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.”

[@ordinaryyoutubechannel582]

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "No," the woman replies, "go right ahead." The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora," and sits back down. "Thanks," the woman says, "that means a lot."

[@rukbat3]

I lol'd.

[@mlemleh]

Amazing.

[@YouShotMyRobot]

I love this one 😂

[@evanjohnson4436]

(A moment later, another man walks up to her and says "Bargain". "Thanks", the woman says again, "that means a great deal".)

[@Enchanted_Owl]

+++

[@alana314]

I went into Starbucks and asked for their mildest roast. They said “you have very average ears.”

[@echojardini]

This one. This one got me.

[@felikso]

I love this one. this makes me very happy.

[@miriamrosemary9110]

Why is this so funny?? 🤣🤣

[@AustinChambers302977]

Lol 😆

[@28th_St_Air]

This made me laugh a latte

[@PlainclothesBandit]

“Life is a journey. Time is a river. The door is ajar.”

[@scottfromoahu2896]

Knowledge is Power. France is bacon.

[@ShawnMarieRichards]

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

[@drdrake17]

This would've gone right past me if I hadn't *just* read that book for the first time.

[@acorntheforestegg8650]

Most of Demetri Martins Jokes are great and short. I was just remembering his roof of the mouth joke today. 😌 Ok I went to watch it here is some paraphrasing: “I burnt the roof of my mouth the other day. Then I was like, the roof of my mouth? This is the ceiling of my mouth. The roof of my mouth is up here (points to top of head) who ever made this phrase up was not using the attic of their mouth.”

[@belgarathdm6376]

Honestly the funniest joke is in response to someone who knocks on a bathroom stall occupied by you *knocking* "come back with a warrant!" god Dear Hank and John is hilarious

[@chloeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee]

!! hey bell you got a heart! hell yeah you deserve it

[@belgarathdm6376]

gdsdsg thank Chloefren

[@Alexandru_Iacobescu]

Maybe respond : "It's open! You can come in."

[@chloeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee]

@@Alexandru_Iacobescu that seems like the opposite of what youd want lol

[@szeth14]

¡Ocupado!

[@djoakeydoakey1076]

A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint. The bartender says "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?" The horse says "I don't think I am...." and promptly vanishes from existence. See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that before the rest of the joke, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

[@Hobbychemiefreak]

Up to the last line I thought this was just a weird version of the same old joke. Well done :)

[@miriamrosemary9110]

+

[@SeanKau]

+

[@vancouverlex]

+

[@hayk3000]

Explanation please?

[@Phelnoth]

I don’t know what to call this feeling rehearing a Norm Macdonald joke here a week before he died. It’s like a sudden significance was added retroactively.

[@allisonturner5571]

same

[@thoughtfuldevil6069]

Synchronicity?

[@plagiarism3945]

My favourite joke which always takes people a second to get is “Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets it” but sadly I can only make it after a communist joke

[@scottfromoahu2896]

Oh man. Soviet era communist jokes are a gold mine. Something about how pain and humor mix. "Lenin has died, but his cause lives on!" (An actual slogan.) "I would prefer it the other way round."(Common graffiti response). A Soviet judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. His comrade approaches him and asks why he is laughing. "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!" "Well, go ahead, tell me!" says the other man "I can't - I just gave someone ten years for it!" Which is more useful to communism - newspapers or television? A: Newspapers, of course. You can't wrap herring in a TV. Q: Will there be oppression by the state in communism? A: As you know, under communism, the state will be abolished, together with its means of suppression. People will know how to oppress themselves. And in fairness, my favorite US government joke. The CIA wanted to send a spy to the Soviet Union and the spy that was selected had incredible qualifications. He was fluent in Russian, had perfect Cyrillic handwriting, had a vast knowledge of Soviet culture and mannerisms, could cook typical Soviet meals, and could keep up his act with a belly full of vodka. The mission was long-term infiltration of the Kremlin. The spy was dropped in a remote village where he approached a man and said, in perfect Russian, "Hello comrade, can you please tell me which direction is Moscow?" The man looked at him, and walked inside. Within minutes, the KGB was swarming the village and arresting the spy. While being interrogated, the KGB officials said "Quit the act, we know you are an American spy." The spy was baffled they (especially the man in the village) were able to tell so quickly, but tried to keep up the act for as long as he could. Multiple interrogators pressured him in the presence of the LOCAL Kommissar. All the time, the Kommissar kept his back turned. Eventually the spy finally cracked, he said "Alright, alright, I'm a spy. I will tell you whatever you want, but please just tell me how you knew I was a spy because I devoted my whole life to perfecting my Soviet character." The Kommissar turned around and replied "You're black."

[@zfarley]

Told the moth joke to the person who is now my girlfriend on our first official date this summer, as we watched the sun set from Griffith Observatory in LA. Heard the joke from you first, John, I think on a podcast or from a tweet; it was a perfect rom-com moment that I cherish deeply :)

[@vlogbrothers]

I take full responsibility for this happy relationship. -John

[@miriamrosemary9110]

❤

[@davidgreen139]

@@vlogbrothers As well you should! 👏

[@oliedmis97]

@@davidgreen139 WAIT! YOU ACTUALLY EXIST????

[@davidgreen139]

@@oliedmis97 Yep, I tend to hang out behind the scenes ;)

[@moiradarling97]

Not all construction work is equally enjoyable. For example, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting! (This is a new joke that I heard recently and it’s my absolute favorite)

[@FinetalPies]

I remember hearing this recently too... Technology Connections?

[@untappedinkwell]

+++

[@tegan6554]

+

[@allyahinblack]

10 minutes of fun and giggles right there :)))

[@miriamrosemary9110]

I like it!

[@CourtneyIsSleepy]

One of my all time favorite jokes is “Where does the general keep his armies? … Up his sleevies!” Never fails to make me laugh !

[@Silhouex]

One of my favorite jokes was apparently written by a Native American when receiving some kind of award. He said, "I would like to thank my legs.. for always supporting me, my arms.. for always being by my side... and my fingers... I could always count on them."

[@brandycarriere600]

I have a perfect one: An old man is terribly sick and fears his days are numbered. He is laying in bed feeling awful, when suddenly he can smell the most wonderful aroma. “Oh” he thinks “My dear, dear wife is baking me my favourite cookies. She knows just how to comfort me in my final hours.” He drags himself out of bed. He half crawls down the hallway. Slips into the kitchen and sees his beloved wife with several fresh trays of his favourite cookies and pastries. He swells with love. He shuffles across the kitchen and reaches out to grab a cookie. She turns and swiftly smacks his hand with the spatula. “Those are for the funeral!” I think this joke follows your theme as it shows how we tend to both see and treat people better once they have already gone than when they are still with us and can fully benefit from our love and kindness.

[@miriamrosemary9110]

++

[@wyrdsworth]

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[@nathanguinnip1904]

One of my favorite jokes is an old Steve Martin joke: A man is waiting in an examination room when his doctor comes in. The doctor says, "I have good news and I have bad news." The man asks, "Give me the good news first." The doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you."

[@Arianddu]

The depressing thing about this joke is that it should have the doctor saying "They're going to name a disease after me" but not enough people know medical conditions are named after the physician who first identifies it, not the person who has it.

[@JohnMoseley]

Reminds me of another very sad 'good news/bad news' medical joke: DOCTOR (speaking to recent amputee): I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is, they've amputated the wrong leg. The good news is, the bad leg's getting better.

[@waltermeerschaert]

It's like the French have a different word for everything.

[@earthquakephotography7059]

Reminds me of a version where the Doctor says "You have a serious and life threatening illness" The man replies "Really? What's it called?" the doctor says "Well, what do you want it to be called?"

[@SuperDaveP270]

A classic old joke that remains one of my all-time favorites: A couple of ropes go to a bar and order drinks, but the bartender tells them to get out. "We don't server your kind here!" They leave dejectedly, but one of them perks up. "I've got an idea!" he says! He tied himself all up and then unraveled his ends and went back inside and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him skeptically and asks "You're not one of them ropes, are you?" "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[@PaulWintz]

There's a comic that I think about whenever I feel like taking credit for my success. The comic shows a rich man talking to a poor man. The rich man says, "I make my own luck." In the next frame, a falling meteorite crushes him, to which the poor man replies, "that seems like an odd choice." (I think the comic was Cluster Fudge by John McNamee, but I haven't been able to find it again, yet.)

[@wezul]

My favorite joke: "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!"

[@batya7]

Chemistry!

[@FlyingWhales13]

john green everybody

[@owens7944]

The other day I was at the grocery store and went to grab a two liter bottle of Mt Dew when the frame that holds the bottles on the shelf broke. Suddenly, approximately ten large bottles of soda feel off the shelf and hit me in the face. It made a terrible, sticky mess, but I was fine because it turns out they were soft drinks.

[@MrBozzybozboz]

Not hugely thought provoking maybe, but my favourite joke is : two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other "can you smell fish? "

[@jordanw2741]

Why did the Norwegian army put barcodes on all of their ships? So they could Scan da Navy In. Why don't comedians ever make steak jokes? Because it is a rare medium well done.

[@AxxLAfriku]

GAGAGAGAGAGA! I will now count to 3 and then I am still the unprettiest KZbinr of all time. 1...2...3. GAGAGAGAGAGA!!! Thank you for your attention, dear jor

[@Lulu-qp4jm]

The newspaper reported today that a man had escaped from prison. He was serving a sentence for fraud for selling his services as a psycic. He was described as a short man. The headline read, "Small Medium at Large"

[@Max_Matrix]

Hank actually used that first one in a dear hank and john podcast episode a few years ago

[@raulviii60]

THIS IS TERRIBLE!

[@raulviii60]

I of course love it

[@jimsrasel]

Scientists finding the mass of a rainbow and finding out that rainbows are pretty light is my favorite joke as of the moment.

[@markfisk7124]

Your delivery could use some work.

[@miriamrosemary9110]

@@markfisk7124 While true, I still enjoyed it! First time I encountered this one.

[@brandonmurphy301]

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan!

[@rainbowconnected]

A few of my favorites, I have many. What did Sean Connery say when all his books fell on the floor? "I can only blame my shelf." Captain Picard was devastated when he accidentally broke Dr. Crusher's antique sewing machine. It seemed it was beyond repair until Data said he had detailed files and could fix it, to which Picard replied, "Mr. Data, make it sew." As far as one that delights and instructs... A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

[@lilliandadon9048]

underrated star trek joke

[@nigar5844]

I’ve been sensibly chuckling at all the jokes in the comments for the past 10 minutes. I had a really shitty day today, I really needed that, thanks guys

[@heathcampbell4058]

Hope you're doing ok. Hang in there. Xx

[@ToriKo_]

Saaaaaaaaaame

[@ammarosman2352]

Exactly the same

[@bestintentions6089]

🤗have a nice day !

[@BrianTeague00]

Agreed -- I teach college and classes start tomorrow. I have never been so excited to read the comments!

[@kathrinwolf8514]

My favorite joke is a pun that doesn't work in English, however, it both delights and instructs, so I will explain: Treffen sich zwei Jäger. Beide tot. (Two hunters meet. Both are dead.) The German word "treffen" means both "meet" as well as "hit a target". So you expect the meaning "meet" and then a dialogue between the two because that's the common joke setup. But that's not the case here - the punchline comes immediately after the first line, completely unexpected, revealing that the hunters didn't meet at all, they just shot each other. The joke delights by being funny, but it also instructs us that sometimes breaking the rules leads to better outcomes.

[@miriamrosemary9110]

++

[@TheDanishGuyReviews]

To jægere træffer hinanden. Begge dør. Yup, still works in Danish.

[@niagargoyle]

This sounds like it is the same humor as “A man walks into a bar. The second ducks.”

[@lonestarr1490]

@@niagargoyle :D

[@mattyfeely]

Ohhhh I love jokes that follow a common set-up and then immediately throws you for a loop! It reminds me of the one that goes something like “A man walks into a bar. He suffered a concussion”

[@Peterklogborg]

Have you heard about the genius scarecrow? He is out standing in his field.

[@user-ty2bf2eg1o]

one of my favorites: Two guys with serious financial problems decided to ask god for help. The first guy says “should we just pray?” , his friend replies “no, I have a better idea. We should write god a letter asking for 500$” and so they did. When the letter arrived to the post office, the workers who saw the letter is to god decided to open the letter. After reading the letter and being touched by the struggles of the guys who wrote the letter, all the workers decided to collect the money themselves. Each worker gave as much as he or she could totalling 450$ and they send it back. When the two guts saw the envelope with the money in it they could not believe it. They counted the money and right after that, they wrote a new letter to god. “First god we want to thank you for the money you sent us” they worte “ secondly if you may, next time you send us money don’t send it by mail. Those bastards from the post office stole 50$”.