My Wife Completely Changed After Our First Child And I Now Despise Her For It r/Relationships

[@Symos]

Story 1: heard how this goes. Mum comes back when kid is a teen expecting to waltz back in now the hard shit is done. Or has a new family and comes back for money

[@maniaclaugh]

Or she has a do-over and she's the perfect mommy for her makeover kids and can't fathom why her eldest won't speak to her and hates her new siblings.

[@Rogue-bt4wp]

Or she won't care about her daughter at all. And will stay away.

[@diamcole]

Doubt it, most just stay away and never come back.

[@eldeano9964]

...And then blames him for parental alienation

[@TiffWaffles]

I agree with the commenter who said for OP not to allow this woman to play the in and out game. She's out, she gets to stay out until the day she can prove to OP and her child that she can be a mother. The thing is that child abandonment often creates kids that have to be tough and resilient. Even if she does come back when the daughter is a teenager, the likelihood that this girl would want anything to do with her egg donor is low.

[@ToxicSunrise132]

Ah man, story 1 was heartbreaking for me. I'm a mother with ADHD, and a lot of the comments really resonated. I think the thing I really struggle the most with is staying on task, toddlers are VERY distracting. I keep a pretty set schedule with my girl because when it gets messed up, I start forgetting things. I don't know what I'm gonna do when naptime goes away because quite frankly? I NEED that break! That being said, there's no excuse for just up and abandoning your family the way OP's wife did. It's our responsibility as adults and parents to get help before things hit that point. My heart goes out to OP for having to figure out how he's going to explain that one to his daughter...

[@streamerssaymyname]

Both work from home and the wife was suffering with taking care of the child and OP just compares her to mothers that automatically love their kids. Some moms don't have that bonding/love feeling and it makes motherhood and all the expectations so much worse, let alone an unsupportive spouse - it seems OP is doing a lot right except for comparing, wishing she could be something she can't be and resenting her for it.

[@okyep]

Sometimes when im in stressful situations i feel stressed out do you think i should get checked for autism and ahdh

[@e.t.2914]

Hello, my mom was a parent of 4, and when we got old enough to no longer need nap time, we had about two hours in the afternoon called "quiet play time" where each of us kids played quietly in our own area with our toys until that time was up. We had to play by ourselves and we had to play quietly, and it was generally a win win all around. Mom got quiet time and we got playtime, and nobody had to be concerned about fighting with each other or hurting each other because we all had to play separately. Took us a couple of times to get into the swing of things without trying to bother our siblings, or whine about being bored when we clearly weren't. Overall as a kid I thought it was great, and as an adult some of my favorite memories were the games i made up for my toys at the time.

[@ZombieSazza]

@@e.t.2914my dad did similar actually! My mother up and dipped (whole depressing story but she later got custody just to heavily abuse me) for 2 years to “party” with random men all the time, so we’d have quiet time. I was happy with this because I LOVED reading and dad would take me to the library a couple times a week to get more books, I’d spend this quiet period sitting with my dog on the sofa just reading, and he got to catch up with whatever household stuff he had to do and gave him time to just decompress after work and destress. My childhood dog has long passed but I cherish those memories of Willow just chilling in my lap and reading books and she snored.

[@SAToomy]

@@e.t.2914that very good idea I love it thank you 🙏

[@bricksloth6920]

"I could not put her through a divorce because I'm a product of a broken home" Dude. Your story presents that your home is already broken because your wife and kid's mother is checked out. You admit you're checked out from your wife too. Have your own, single dad home with your daughter. It won't be broken. Kids do better in households where people aren't seething with resentment.

[@KaileyB616]

It drives me nuts when they say that shit

[@petitmains]

The way he talks about her shows...he doesn't know or like her. That's...not how you talk about a spouse where everything was good before hand. He thinks he's superior to her, he resents her for at least 2 reasons ("failing" at motherhood by his standards, and "she doesn't use her brain enough/the way I would") If he was already on "she should be smarter/doing things my way" tip prior to the kiddo... This was never going to last. Also...we have no idea *how* he talked to her about these issues even before they had a kid.

[@GLoLChibs]

Yep. Divorce isn't the only way for a home to be broken and staying for the kids can be even worse for the kids.

[@michaelplunkett8059]

​@@GLoLChibs Staying for the kids works only with 2 mature, committed parents. There is no rancor, resentment, just devoted to the family they created, knowing they will leave the nest eventually.

[@aparnarai3708]

@@petitmains any more analogies you made about him by reading text??..

[@LoFi_Punk]

A broken home isn't separated parents. A broken home is where your child grows up thinking resentment towards each other and hostility within the family is what *love* is supposed to be. Youre already in the broken home you fear so much

[@sashaschadefoxrichards8030]

Every time Markee says "chuck a prawn to the Barbie" my brain goes "Stop throwing prawns ar her she's a person" 🤣🤣

[@Swnsasy]

ROFLOL!! I love it😂😂

[@Somebody9666]

Doll

[@threeducks157]

Lmao I also picture a random “pink” girl walking minding her own business when BLAM random shrimp hits her up side her head.

[@carolroberts4614]

Story 2 " she found someone quickly and easily" I bet she did! He was in her back pocket already!

[@carolroberts4614]

I've just read on and found the same thing in the comments, but never mind!

[@ian7064]

Story 2: NTA. Its the stbx who threw away the marriage for a fling. It's refreshing that the OP just went for the divorce instead of dragging his feet

[@thomasjoseph5876]

Not exactly true. They had an open marriage for 3/4s of a year. He should have left and filed for divorce the day she asked for the open marriage. Then he should have demanded the name of the guy she either had lined up or was already cheating with. For good measure, get the names of the person/people who recommended she open the marriage. It's good to exact a little "collateral damage" to those who had a hand in destroying his marriage.

[@MrJpaynebb]

For many of the open relationships when I hear under 30/31 and married less than 5 years I always ask why did they even get married? Seriously, why married if in 5/6 years you think new sex partners are necessary? Glad he's getting a divorce but he should have done so the minute she asked for an open relationship.

[@enerioffutt1881]

I got pregnant when I was 23 and realized I wasn't mentally, emotianly or finacialy ready. Phsiycally was all. So I placed him for adoption and have never regretted it. Turns out i don't really like babies or young children. His family is wonderful and love him to pieces.

[@damien678]

Good for you both! I hope things are going well for you, and him

[@enerioffutt1881]

@@damien678Very much so. Turns out we're both on the spectrum, but his parents fought against the teachers who didn't understand. I wouldn't have known to do that. And I see him on occasion.

[@best13999]

You definately did the right thing!❤❤❤

[@BraveryWing26]

Thanks for taking that path. This is for the best. Children are not happy with parents who cant take care of them. Admitting this is amazing and great for you. Wish more people did this.

[@franciebelcher4594]

❤

[@Deedoof]

Cheaters really think they're so special. LOL

[@vanguardangel6912]

They have such main character syndrome, don’t they?

[@Deedoof]

@@vanguardangel6912 Narcissists aren't all cheaters, but cheaters are all narcissists.

[@vanguardangel6912]

@@Deedoof Ooo, that’s very well put!

[@colleens1107]

Story one: this is an unfortunate reality: not all women are meant to be mothers. I’m glad she recognizes she’s one of them and doesn’t want to have more. HOWEVER, THAT BEING SAID she IS a mother and can’t unring that bell. She needs to go to therapy to find a way towards peace. Or, OP needs to divorce her, get full custody, and accept it’s better to be divorced than being acrimoniously married

[@invisible123-l9d]

MEN become fathers, and then walk out, and you lot think that is fine.

[@jam2727]

@@invisible123-l9dWe don't. But you have to tell yourself we think we do so you can feel justified in being a bad person. Yes, there may be people like that because there's always a handful who go against the majority, not counting the already deadbeats.

[@kaykay8855]

@@jam2727I mean either parents can walk out, men are the likely ones to leave because the baby doesn’t depend on dad like they depend on mom, like if the baby is mainly being breastfed and/or mom is on maternity leave/working part time/is a SAHM. Women are more pressured to stay because, statistically, they are normally the primary go to caregiver.

[@doof-the-chonk]

Story 1: I'm really glad someone mentioned ADHD. It's the first thing I thought of when I heard the husband describe her behaviour. I didn't get diagnosed until my 30s and had a lot of problems with people telling me that I "would be capable of such great things if I just tried", or "it's a shame you're so lazy". I then had tons of problems doing things I enjoyed, which just enforced the "lazy" labels. People think that ADHDers only do things they like and can't force themselves to do anything "boring", but that's so horribly wrong. With ADHD you can't control your focus and you are drawn to things that provide a "dopamine hit". Most often that includes social media, deep fried food, video games, etc. You can love art but can't focus on it because it's not immediately dopamine inducing. Anyways I really hope the wife gets help. It seems like she really wanted to be a mother but things outside her control were working against her.

[@doof-the-chonk]

To be clear I don't necessarily blame the husband. If the ADHD diagnosis is correct, both him and his wife are just victims of lack of medical education and access to appropriate medical care.

[@jennieforthesox]

It very sad, b/c no matter what problem she had her husband never tried to help her. She drowned so she walked out.

[@nicknitro86]

So he's basically playing sole parent and getting chastised for being burned out. God damn.

[@invisible123-l9d]

Thousands of WOMEN are left to do all the childcare, with NO help from the FATHER, and you lot are silent.

[@lalvarez5151]

​@user-hk2fc4jv2g what does that have to do with this story? The mom gets to be an AH because OTHER mothers raise kids as single moms? Wth is that logic lol

[@invisible123-l9d]

@@lalvarez5151 Learn to read. I was pointing out how many WOMEN are forced to raise children alone, after the FATHER has abandined them.

[@tartlynerdy]

​@@invisible123-l9d Fathers deserve support too. Not all women are good mothers.

[@hadouradiance3566]

​@user-hk2fc4jv2g "You lot are silent" yeah cause you totally know every person on Earth right? Also this whataboutism is ridiculous. Fathers being deadbeats is also bad. It's a severe epidemic plauging lots of homes and they're assholes for making two lives infinitely harder cause of their own selfishness and irresponsibility. That being said, what were you trying to accomplish with this comment? To downplay OP's struggle? Or to just shoot blame at men?

[@morganleanderblake678]

18:36 sis played herself. he said he's monogamous. then she was like what if we did things with other people. And he was like, okay. And he's monogamous. he's *monogamous* and the math is *really* easy and sis *played herself* for a fool.

[@invisible123-l9d]

He would demand that she accept it, and she be faithful, when HE wanted to cheat via an 'open' relationship. Sickening double standards. None of you have the balls to reply politely.

[@sleepyalien140]

​@@invisible123-l9dI like how you assume things. The reason no one replies is because you're openly hostile. I won't reply after this since I'm just letting you know.

[@invisible123-l9d]

@@sleepyalien140 When all I receive is hate, no matter what I say, you cannot demand that I be sugary. Be nicer to me, and I will reply in kind. You lot are NOT the saints you think you are.

[@morganleanderblake678]

@@invisible123-l9d dude I'm polyam, and I love ethical nonmonogamy. One of the key things is not dating monogamous people who tell you they're monogamous and want to be monogamous

[@invisible123-l9d]

@@morganleanderblake678 I cannot be bothered with your hating. If you want me to be civil, be civil to me.

[@michelledalenaa]

These open relationships never work out. As soon as your spouse comes to you talking open marriage, you immediately file for divorce. They are just looking for permission for the affairs they are likely already having.

[@kaitlyncramp3100]

Story 1: I had a checked out parent who had custody of my younger sibling and I after the divorce and we saw dad on weekends. The custody was changed near high school, mom didnt see us, and we went to counseling. Younger sibling felt we weren't good enough for her love and I felt like mom's personal life outweighed caring for us. Heard from mom post custody change as a teen to learn of my older siblings passing and I didn't even believe her at first I was so jaded. After becoming an adult our bond has changed but my younger sibling is still no contact with them and sees my dads long term gf as their mom. It definetly effs you up.

[@SilverDomainShrine7]

Story 1: legit I don’t feel any sympathy for the mother in this situation considering she just straight up abandoned her family. Like I get she’s clearly going through burn out from being a parent- it happens. But instead of working through it with OP, she just straight up dipped and ditched her family. Being potentially neurodivergent doesn’t excuse shitty actions

[@streamerssaymyname]

Working through it requires support, it seems that OP is disconnected from his wife and clung to the child emotionally instead. OP also resents her for not being capable of feeling things she has no control over and it would sabotage any "working out" - I bet OP has told her before "why can't you do X like other mothers?" OP also doubted he loved her anymore and that makes him even less invested in helping his wife get past her problems. Sometimes you do have to leave in order to get back to a healthy place mentally, you can't pour from an empty cup that your spouse not only doesn't fill but actively puts holes into it. OP did amazing stepping up as a dad, I think he just sacrificed his relationship for it.

[@WraysCustoms]

I feel like she's chosen to be a deadbeat and that's sad.

[@SilverDomainShrine7]

@@streamerssaymyname I agree to a degree. Seems like op didn’t really help the wife much with her burn out. We don’t know if he’s compared her to other mothers or not, but could be a possibility. Idk wasn’t there. I don’t really blame op for losing feelings for her tho since she her burn out was legit taking over her relationship with their child. Post partum issues are a real deal, but her reaction to leaving when she said she’d try therapy to work on the issues just doesn’t sit right well with me. I’ve been the child in the situation of one parent stepping out and leaving without explanation and sure other people who’ve been in similar situations can understand the negative impact that has on a young brain. Therefore I can’t feel sympathy for someone that chose to walk out on their family instead of working out. Both her and op are guilty and not to a degree, but walking out on your 4 year old daughter hurts. A lot. Tho I do help they work things out

[@SilverDomainShrine7]

@@WraysCustoms exactly what I was thinking

[@veezopolis]

​@lukeskywalks77 I love how people like you will bend over backwards to justify a deadbeat if it is a woman

[@TiffWaffles]

If OP's hopefully soon to be ex wife is already checked out from the relationship and ran away from her responsibilities as a mother, the best bet for OP is to get a lawyer to force her to sign her rights away. Getting child support from her increases the risk of having this woman come back into the child's life and force the courts to get fifty/fifty custody or even sole custody.

[@lizartfight9157]

oh mark, you are the only person i can listen to that reads out story's that are the emotional equivalent of twisting a knife in my liver

[@crawdaddy2004]

Story 1: As someone with ADHD, I don’t think her symptoms necessarily line up. Granted, each person with ADHD is different, but it more sounds like she’s in a perpetual state of not caring about anything, it’s called anhedonia. I’m not a psychologist, so I have no qualifications. However, that’s what I had for years until going on meds.

[@Jacqueline_Thijsen]

Autism and ADHD here: when an activity is unpleasant, forcing myself to do it is like forcing myself through a room full of hot thick syrup while I'm doing it. Every fibre in my being screaming for getting away from it. Also, when I need to start doing a task, it's like my muscles simply refuse to do the things needed to get started. I'll be telling myself: stop doing what you're doing now and go do what you need to do. And then my muscles won't do that while I keep both telling myself to start doing it and hating myself for not getting on with it already. And the thing is, I will never know which thing will trigger that reaction beforehand. Executive dysfunction is a really weird thing. And then deciding to just do anything else instead can make me positively giddy, which would explain her being happy while doing stuff she likes. BTW, while what she did is really bad, it may well be that in her mind the situation had become so intolerable that packing bags and running like crazy seemed the only alternative to permanently exiting the situation by exiting life.

[@9r7g5h]

We really need to stop saying that "You'll love the kid, you'll know exactly what to do, it'll all be perfect and wonderful and fine." No. Just no. Some people just shouldn't be parents. Some people just aren't built to create that bond with the kids, and instead resent or even hate them. Just look at R/ResentfulParents. It's not an instant connection, there's not love, for some people it's just "Oh, you exist now, I regret this choice." It's better, in these situations, to let the parent give up custody, put the kid up for adoption if they're a single parent, and move on. So much better than the child being raised in a home that resents their existence, that wants nothing to do with them, or even being harmed if the parent snaps later. But people don't want to hear that some people just can't be parents, because that goes against all of the "nuclear family" propaganda that keeps getting pushed. You know, the ones where you can't be happy if you don't get married and pop out 2.5 kids and own a house in the suburbs with a purebred dog and cat of unknown origins.

[@veronicastromberg6755]

Thank you, its impossible to predict how you'll feel even if you'd been around babies forever, plus not all parents like or can play with kids on their level. I wonder what she does when she is home alone during the day when she's alone with the child

[@OuchingTigerLimpingDragon]

I'd prefer both the cat and dog to be of unknown origin, personally.

[@michaelplunkett8059]

She should explore not bonding through therapy.

[@GLoLChibs]

Exactly. The worst thing the 'everyone needs to get married and have kids' crowd can do to kids is pressure people who don't want kids. Raising a human isn't something you take the 'figure it out when they get here' gamble on. Ironically those are the same people who don't want social programs like school lunches to care for all those kids. Or they throw their own kids out once they're adults and grandchildren come into play.

[@markanthony1004]

Preach. It’s a simple truth that some people shouldn’t have kids or care for kids ever

[@katphish30]

No one really knows what kind of parent they'll be until they are one, but I strongly suspect I'd be that kind of mother. When I was younger I didn't know I had ADHD, but I did know I didn't like kids in exactly the way my dad doesn't like kids. I waffled about it for a good decade, but in the end I decided it wasn't worth the risk. Kids are important and deserve parents who aren't annoyed by every single thing they do.

[@emo7636]

Story 1, I called it from the beginning. All these folks saying 'your poor wife, she's stressed, she must be depressed' or 'you're just pushing her too much'. Nope. Nope. Nope. I told myself at the beginning 'this lady just now figured out she dislikes motherhood, and she sounds selfish'. There shouldn't be much doubt after hearing her say 'it's not about her' after being asked if her daughter can say goodbye. Selfish.

[@Schwiegermutter]

She is nothing but a lazy bum. Redit loves the narcicist prayer but will never see how they do the same shit to men.

[@floridafrostbite8002]

I’m autistic on the low end. I know full well that I cannot care for a child. I would be the worst person for that child. I can only handle children in small doses and NEED alone time. I love kids don’t get me wrong on that. I want to have kids in my life, just not all of the time. I’m not one of those “I hate kids” child-free people but I know what’ll happen.

[@UchuKejiMovan]

That first story needed more "How can she just abandon a child she helped raise for 4 years like that" and less excuses for her.

[@Schwiegermutter]

I swear! Men that abandon the affair baby after learning it's not theirs get way more shit on redit. Gynocentrism is a hell of a drug. Some how it will be his fault his wife didn't give a single shit. Redit loves the narcissist prayer but will never figure out they do the same shit to men.

[@michaelwoods3651]

Story 2- the wife already had someone in mind and she thought op would have no chance to meet anybody.

[@AngryReptileKeeper]

S1: That lady would be me if I had kids, except I'd probably be worse. I'm autistic. High-functioning, but I struggle with a lot of sensory issues and become overwhelmed/shut down easily even under even the best of circumstances- it gets orders of magnitude worse if I'm stressed. I'm not even going into the Tourette's Syndrome and how debilitating it gets under stress. I couldn't deal with having even one kid around. I guarantee I'd end up in either a psych ward, or a prison. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I chose not to have kids and got myself fixed instead.

[@Draggonny]

Some of us have enough on our plates to keep ourselves alive without dragging innocent children into the mess. 😆

[@Tiogair]

She’s going to assume she can come back when the kid is “easier” without realizing you need to be there for the hard times to build a parental bond. I know a guy who felt the same way and would talk about how he planned on reentering his son’s life when he was 12-13 because they would have more in common and he could “teach him how to be a man.” Surprise surprise his son didn’t accept that bullshit and was well aware that the only rule his mom ever imposed on visitation was that his dad not be obviously high during visits.

[@mht4908]

Story 1: There are so many people who talk about potentially regretting it if you don't have a kid, but almost no one talks about what happens if you do regret it. Everyone around you will judge you for being irresponsible and heartless if you even admit it, especially from your spouse. Yes there are people who know they do/don't want to be parents from the get go, but some people don't know what they're getting themselves into until it's too late. Having kids doesn't have a 30 day refund policy, once you have them and realize you made a mistake, you're stuck with them at least until they're 18. There should be more resources to help mothers deal with regrets on having a child and how to make the best of it

[@user-blob]

Well said. It should be an open topic. The discussion can only benefit everyone.

[@Harvest133]

because it's RARE to truly regret having a family. It's NOT rare to regret not having family. We live for 80 years and life gets infinitely lonely after 35 if you don't have a family. For a very small number of people they can fill that void with careers. Most can't do that. People are also notoriously bad at future planning. 50 years of loneliness is a bleak reality no one expects but that's what awaits you.

[@user-blob]

@@Harvest133absolute nonsense 😂

[@Harvest133]

@@user-blob get back to me in your 50s

[@Harvest133]

@@user-blob sure thing, pal. Get back to me when you're fifty if you have no family

[@angelicakaufman7183]

The wife messaged back it's not about her. If we get an update I'm going to make a bet that what she says is that since the baby was born wife is not his world anymore and she resents and is jealous of her daughter and has probably been cheating on him

[@satansecretary665]

this! it really is insane how many women get jealous of their own children, but it happens.

[@flavialm1]

@@satansecretary665 This is actually quite normal with men, that's why the first 2 years of a child are the biggest timeline where divorce happens. Men don't accept they aren't the central of the world ant that now is their time to take care of someone, instead of having everything handed to them as they were used to the entire life. So the cheat to get that attention from somewhere else, and once the wife finds out is divorce time. Now, because society is changing and men are starting to share housework and childcare, this is changing, but it was such a normal thing to see.

[@bubblegumrose777]

@@satansecretary665 Especially if the child is a girl.

[@pamelajohnson6425]

Funny that the stbxw said OP is throwing the marriage away for a "fling", even though she knows he's not emotionally wired for casual relationships. He even clearly warned her that he couldn't stick to the "no emotional connection" boundary, and told him that it was fine. She pushed it on him, only thinking selfishly of what she wanted. In the process, she all but told him to go out and find someone else to fall in love with, Then acted shocked when he did just that, and called it a "fling", despite knowing OP doesn't operate that way.

[@juliearmfield2634]

Story 2. Nta. It's still amazes me how some people insist on opening up their relationships and then are so shocked that their relationships go to s***. 🙄

[@LunaP1]

The relationship burned to the ground real quick the second the jerk spouse tries to screw over the wronged spouse. And the wronged spouse ends up finding someone way better or has better luck than the jerk spouse.

[@jojocandy2025]

This happens so often. Someone wants to open the relationship , usually pre planned, it dosnt last long, gets angry/ upset when the other partner find someone else.

[@BraveryWing26]

This is the second "SO promises they will change and put effort into the relationship, but then leave immediately as soon as OP is out and abandon them forever" This is so frustratings.

[@franciebelcher4594]

S1. NTA. This is so sad. Unfortunately this happens all too often. Too bad humanity has not matured enough to THINK and educate themselves before they procreate 😑

[@arithefierysecretary6411]

I had unexpected twins (thanks fertility meds) and it was so much harder than I thought. I almost died during the C-section. I had severe postpartum depression and anxiety and I couldn't bond with them. Breastfeeding was agony. My doctor helped me with the PPD and it's gotten easier and more fun. My babies are wonderful. But I had to work to get better. If Story 1 OP's wife won't put in the work, get help, and make an effort, her relationship with her daughter and OP won't change.

[@squidairleo3155]

I hate people who say a divorced family is a “broken home” piss off.

[@averycheesypotato]

Story 1- NTA, obviously. But I have a controversial take on things anyway- I’d argue that if you reversed the genders here, it would, unfortunately, just be a normal marriage. OP says he does half the childcare and housework, something most mothers still have to push for. This 50/50 division is fair, on the surface at least. His real issue is that his wife would rather be at work than looking after a small child. She’s not putting in the emotional work- she only plays with the daughter sometimes without being prompted, and he has to push her to do things as a family on the weekends. He has to arrange to enrol the kid in programs. This is the same complaint that many, many mothers have been making for years. Society loves to blame women for creating “broken homes,” ruining society, but here we see just how important it is for both parents to be emotionally involved. It’s not a matter of “good mom or bad mom,” it’s a standard all parents should be held to.

[@damien678]

That's what I was thinking about too.

[@jam2727]

This added nothing to the conversation. I hate when you guys do this in the comments. Whenever there's an individual story that doesn't match societal norms you always have to mention it, almost like you're saying "well in the grand scheme of things" when we're talking about real individuals. This isn't some story we're looking for an overarching theme in. This is real life and this doesn't apply to OP. If OP actually had a misogynistic mentality or if it played a part in the situation in SOME WAY then I could see why you're bringing it up. It just looks pandery and stalls the conversation. Just adding decorative fluff but no realistic solutions for the individual. "Parents should play equal parts in a child's life, not just the mother" NO SHIT! And the sky is blue! But what does that have to do with OP specifically?

[@averycheesypotato]

@@jam2727 I never said OP was being misogynistic. I’m saying there’s a discrepancy in how mothers & fathers are viewed by society, which could have affected their own personal relationship- and *definitely* affects the judgements being posted in response to this story!

[@Juggtacula]

Since she doesn't want to be a mom, and that also includes not being a present parent or wife, divorce her and put her on child support. She might not be there physically for your kid, but she needs to be there financially.

[@averycheesypotato]

Story 2- NTA, hope the divorce goes as well as it can for you. She had someone in mind, didn’t expect you to find a partner so easily and got jealous. She F’d around and found out!

[@Embarblaze]

Man the amount of excuses Reddit was making for a woman being a deadbeat parent, imagine how hard they would rip into the ML if the genders were reversed. PPD is a possibility but it sounded less like depression and more like disinterest in their child.

[@redshirt49]

Y'know, I've been meaning to ask....why are we chucking prawns at barbies?

[@Draggonny]

Because barbecuing prawns is apparently the most Australian thing in the world. Right up there with tying kangaroos down.

[@dreamer9398]

Story 1: PPD or not, Op’s wife have no excuse to ghosted her family

[@RavenLunacy44]

That mom needs to get evaluated for ADHD asap. I had a similar situation with my first. Turns out i had Adhd my whole life. I was 32 when the doctor gave me the evaluation. I asked my grandpa about it, turns out he has it too. 😂

[@sapphicgeek24]

Agreed. I'm a woman and was diagnosed with ADHD at 31. It made me look back at my entire life and things finally "made sense."

[@kreuger2062]

Story 2 is a tale as old as time. Like always the one that opens the relationship ends up regretting it.🤦🏽🤦🏽

[@cinnabunny4342]

Story2: Classic open a close relationship drama 😅

[@erickaennis2738]

Story 2. Wife was already cheating. But she didn't think OP would be able to do it. He warned her about his emotional connection issue. Now he's moved on. She betrayed him and now is shocked he's ready to bail. He may have found his new partner. And better than her. Lol.

[@stolman2197]

Story 2 wife thought OP wouldn't find someone and now is losing her ATM

[@corrijackson]

Here is the kicker ..no one is ready for anything that they dont put effort into.. My first kid super easy exactly like myself The other 2 were completely different in every way.. any book, class or advice i could get to i took it all in to be a better parent. Now you would never guess we ever had any issues ❤

[@Hen-of-the-Month]

Markee, you're looking extra dapper today! You got me blushing from another continent. ☺️

[@OuchingTigerLimpingDragon]

General tomfoolery is always good ^_^

[@league-of-shadows]

The last OP really dodged a narc partner. She thought she was all that and a bag of chips but OP realized she was a stale bag of chips and that he was worth so much more. She definitely already had the other guy lined up too.

[@jeffreed2848]

S2: spouse- Hey lets have an open marriage! Itll be great for both of us! Lets follow these rules that actively go against your specific style of intimacy though. Op- oh hey i dont like this but ill do it because i love you (proceeds to eventually find a better partner) Spouse- wait no they are too attractive! Youre not supposed to do better than me! Why are you throwing our love away! 😂😂😂 karma is a bitch

[@mariecherrytree]

I am no way near as excited about having a child as my family and friends are about me having a child. It makes me feel like I am going to be a failure.

[@tuberculosisoxcart1685]

When she said I will make the divorce as painful as possible the only sane response is good I am glad to hear it. You just reinforced the fact that I am making the correct decision. There are plenty of insane responses of course but then you are gambling you will have a sympathetic jury. 😂

[@jasonrustmann7535]

"you're throwing everything away, just for a fling!" No no. You did that the second you wanted a loophole to get railed by another man. Good on OP for his upgrade and congratulations.

[@samisass6759]

Hi marke! Always great to see you!!!

[@user-blob]

I feel so sorry for OP’s wife. She now has to live with her bad decision for the rest of her life. So sad 😞

[@dm9078]

Story 1 What a dysfunctional mess. OP and his wife need couples counseling. The wife did not want to try out new things. She wanted to try out a new person. When your long-term significant other comes to you and says they want to open the relationship. It is because they are sleeping with someone or plan to sleep with that someone. How OP doesn’t know that is beyond me. But no, OP is not the asshole for finding someone after his wife cheated on him and manipulated him, actually bullied him into opening their relationship so that she could sleep with some guy guilt free!

[@tartlynerdy]

Story 1 - the first thing someone told me is "it's different when it's your own". Is it though? That second line "it gets easier" is a bold faced lie. Op really should have talked more about his hang ups with his parent's divorce before he got married and before he had a child. It sounds like op is realizing he just repeated the cycle except he's lying about the fact his wife loves her daughter. Mother's who love their children don't give them abandonment issues. Story 2 - NTA. Because 9 times out of 10 it's just an excuse to cheat freely without judgement or consequences or sacrifices. A lot of times it also seems like they propose open relationship because they feel their partner will not be able to attract the interest from others so there's no fear of losing them. That's why they get so mad they ask to close the open relationship. I don't feel sorry for op soon-to-be ex-wife. She knew that her husband forms emotional connections with people. She assumed that men don't get attached like women do. She decided that chasing her own pleasure was worth the risk of her husband falling in love with someone else. SHE threw everything away for a fling. She's projecting, lol.

[@datmanydocris]

Story 1: "she answered my messages about at least saying goodbye to her daughter to which she replied 'Its not about her'" No, it IS about her. The wife made it about her daughter when she abandoned her child without so much as even saying goodbye. She haa likely caused that innocent child to have severe mental issues and trauma later in life because of her utterly selfish actions in abandoning her own daughter. All parents experience difficulties while raising children, but you know what you do? You suck it up, deal with it and make sure your child, the one that YOU were responsible for bringing into the world, has the best possible upbringing. Honestly, this is the kind of crap that results from the modern zeitgeist of the "always do what's best for you" bullshit, narcissistic and egotistical people who only care about their own well-being and don't give a care in the world about how their actions affect others. "I am feeling bad so I'm going to do x, I don't care if it will ruin the lives of everyone around me, that's not my problem, _I'm the most important person in the world and only my own belief about my well being matters." It makes people believe that they can be responsible for bringing a child into the world and then just completely abandon that responsibility because they think it's too hard, it's disgusting. OP's (hopefully STBX) wife is a POS. And people bringing up the wife possibly having ADHD as an explanation for her behavior, that still doesn't make it okay. I have ADHD and if I ever have a child I wouldn't even consider for a second abandoning them just because I felt it was hard, because I'm a decent human being who doesn't use my condition as an excuse to disregard other people's well being.

[@TheLizardlord23]

I was very irritated with the first comments making excuses for the wife. Women can be deadbeat parents too. Stop making excuses for them when they are.

[@shells500tutubo]

Some people love babies, others do well with toddlers and many more excel at parenting teenagers. The difference is that most parents will stick it out without knowing this and only realize it after the children are grown. That is why it is good to have the perspective of people who have been there and are honest about it. Most people don't want to say the hated raising children. They love their adult children, but would never do it over again. I think it was either Queen Victoria or Queen Elizabeth who wasn't bothered with her kids until they were teenagers, but even then saw them by appointment.

[@FlamesofRebirth3836]

S2 I really hope OP has it documented somehow that the wife pushed the open marriage. She would definitely try to spin this as him having an affair in court.

[@bridgetdebourgh5698]

Hey Markee 👋 Have a 1:13 good night 👍 Happy Tuesday everyone 👋🤗

[@3ratsinatrenchcoat]

14:36 Im glad Im not the only one who considered she might have ADHD lol

[@aparnarai3708]

I really hate how the toxic behavior of his is downplayed by the redditors and they try their best to shift blame to OP by saying that he isn't communicating enough with her about her feelings.

[@jasonrustmann7535]

OP fckd up being to good to her. She got comfortable, and wanted more. I see it time and again in these stories, the ones that workout are the ones where the woman has to worry about losing her man, so she does everything she can to keep him. Never let her get to comfortable.

[@mweathers79]

S1: the commenters on Reddit want it to be HIS fault SOOO badly.

[@Girl-Supersonicboy]

S1 sounds like my single parent friend. They can handle their child (who is special needs) for a few day, but day in and day out mentally kills them. They curse, scream, and just give a phone to the kid to keep them away. People need to babysit for a few days or volunteer at a school to see what children are really like. I was given a sibling at 12, so I know how the baby years are like. It was the best birth control ever, lol 😅 I still want kids, but I know my limits. It's okay for people to learn their limits, but not at the cost of the child/family

[@concrete-d5v]

Aha of course the mom was being a bad parent and partner, but comments are all "shes going through a lot", "is she diagnosed", 🙄 Some people just suck, it was entirely ok for the OP to despise her for what she was for the past four years

[@meloncornets3034]

Story 1: That comment about things not being the same and go go go is so true. I was one of thosw instant connect moms but I totally understand the moms where it's not. My child is the greatest thing but I agree I am one and done. I can't handle it again. I'm still figuring out if I'm neurodivergent but the overstimulation that happens as a SAHM is a mental load that can really mess people up.

[@MrsGump]

What pissed me off was her voicing about being surprised he could get someone so hot & the no emotional involvement rule. Im 45, been with hubs since 14 n as far as im concerned hes just as hot now, if not hotter, than he was years ago. Hes a def 10/10 in my eyes & still gives my belly butterflies when he walks into a room. So i dont understand her thinking that hes not good looking enough - shouldnt she find her own partner sexy? Also, to give the rule of no emotions is absolutely ridiculous. You cant force/stop emotions no matter if theres a rule or not. When he warned her she brushed it off bcoz she was just happy he'd agreed bcoz she had someone in mind already - she never thought for a minute he'd find someone & thought he'd sit at home waiting for her. Really she wanted an open marriage - but only for her. IMO u cant open a marriage after being monogamous, you either are both that way & start in an open marriage/relationship or you run the risk of ur marriage falling apart, like OPs. The wife wanted an open marriage & now shes got it - permanently. No one to blame but herself.

[@dc.pxrecious]

At frist I thought this mom just had a hard time knowing how to be a mom but I don't think this "mom" doesnt want to be a mom. Anyway when i was pregnant with my 2nd child i felt really guilty because i was moody and snippy at times with my 1st born. Then when i gave birth i realized that my time had to be divided between two kods with 2 different personalities and sets of needs. I saw my 1st born have to adjust to me not being able to do things with her cuz i had to feed, change or do something with the new baby. It broke my heart a little and i decided 2 kids was enough.

[@BakuraClan]

Looking rather posh in that outfit of yours bud

[@OuchingTigerLimpingDragon]

Right?!

[@carolroberts4614]

Superbly spiffing in his sartorial splendour!

[@SiFireHasSpeed]

Reddit keeps making it the OP’s problem that the partner can’t regulate their emotions or neurodivergence. Like what else is he supposed to do? Threaten her into doing something? You can’t help someone who won’t take initiative

[@gabrielleolsen8605]

How the hell can people not think one critical thought about the reality of kids before they have them like it's not hard to see that you're life won't be yours anymore how the fuck can people not see that

[@theresaschuebel5151]

Im Neroduvergent and found out only in the last 4 yrs and I'm 54. I absolutely adore my girls 28 and 25. I loved every aspect of being a mom, wrll expect the Hyperemiss in the beginning of both my pregnancies. I have an Autistic aunt, and sister with ADHD and my mom was bipolar. I couldn't even think about not connecting with my girls hell, i miss the hell out of them and if I could I would live near both of them but my youngest wants space but my oldest is ok with it

[@vitisvinifera1590]

Story two: I'm literally the new partner in this story. Partners ex had at least 3 partners, and got mad when i came around with hints of permanence. Sure enough, they're the one gone and we're very peaceful

[@lacheregriffin-denton9946]

For the first story as a child that had a irresponsible father that walked in and out of their life. While I understand the desire to protect that child's emotionally, that child is also going to have to face the fact that they have one parent that is irresponsible and that would choose at random times when to abandon their responsibilities towards them other and when they want to gain from the benefit of using them.

[@Akemi.24-45]

こんばんは～、Markee! Hope you're enjoying your Tuesday. The weather isn't good here. It rained all day. ♥️🤗

[@shouldbestudying2235]

It sounds like she has postpartum depression.

[@carterpitbull7366]

Nah I think she’s just a bad mom, doesn’t want her kid now. She still is enjoying everything else in life it’s just the kid she hates.

[@Kris-wo4pj]

Not really its been 2 yrs and shes happy pretending her kid doesnt exist and hate being around her.

[@Ginamm13579]

First story my son is now 24 years old and I have more emotional issues with him now than the first 20 years…. He is just not a happy adult…we live in the back woods of pa and doesn’t have many friends so he uses me as an emotional support whatever…. And I don’t know how to help him i keep telling him to call his insurance company and find a new therapist but he ignores that….. any advice?..

[@Kattlarv]

People *really* fail to grasp the whole "Just try having one!" isn't "trying". As, again: If I don't like it, where do I dispose of it? What's that? We can't do that? Then it's NOT "trying". I can try and ice cream. If I don't like it, I can throw it away. Creating life isn't something you "just try". As the "best case" would be throwing them into the system. But, that isn't socially acceptable. Yet, everyone keeps pressuring women to "just have one!".

[@hdeodh]

S2: If they were going to do a open relations, they should have also done a post nuptial agreement

[@samanthavereen3926]

Don't allow her to be a somertime mom. Sometimes, she does and sometimes doesn't

[@teddychu1177]

Love the shirt!

[@arielortiz5643]

The wife says he is throwing everything away for a fling. Very hipocrite to say that since she was the one who opened the relationship in the first place.

[@Frazzled_Chameleon]

No disrespect to Connor, but his voice just doesn't hit the same way that yours does, Markee. Keep up the good work. :D

[@markanthony1004]

Markee you stop that tomfoolery right m’ow

[@BambixLynn]

Aussie hubby daddy. ❤Always here for the tomfoolery

[@nondisclosure3920]

Adhd doesn't mean lazy!

[@laucorn123]

Story 1: We need to stop lying that mothers love their children. Some do. Most do not. We also need to stop making excuses for bad mothers we need to hold them responsible for their bad behavior. Its painfully obvious the wife would constantly try to dump the responsibility of the child onto OP & the Grandparents because she wanted to do her own thing & this OP & Grandparents were doing the majority of the child care while mommy dearest would do the bare minimum. Even sadder is all the people making excuses for her in the comments or trying to pass the blame onto OP instead of putting the blame for the moms own actions squarely were they belonged on the mothers shoulders. OP needs to get sole custody of the child & mommy needs to become either a monthly paycheck or sign her rights away so OP can fpcus on his daughter completely & maybe someday find a mother the child deserves.

[@cassiebones]

Open relationships only really work when you START with them. Its almost impossible to go from mono to poly in an established relationship

[@LegendStormcrow]

I don't understand why Resdit was so kind to OP's wife.

[@luvnotvideos]

First story: Wow, I really feel for the Dad and his daughter. Sounds like he was already the primary parent. But, I also think this highlights the false narrative society has woven into the story of all women automatically being good mothers. Not all women are "meant to be a mother". OP's wife may have wanted to be a good one, wanted to feel that "special bond", wanted to fulfill societies expectation of instantly falling in love with her baby... but just wasn't built that way. We need to stop believing all women are maternal and stop pressuring them to have kids.

[@myrabeth77]

I wish I could give this comment a hundred likes.

[@carolscott9330]

Mom can't handle being MOM. you lost me when It took you YEARS to think of your wife. why were you all not talking to a professional? when you noticed mom not handling this you just stepped in and took over. instead of bathing baby together. you did it. instead of working as a team, you took to pulling all the weight. this is no good for anyone. it must be 40-60 at least. now the mom has to issues because she did as you wanted and left for a few days ( weeks) and now can't find her way to come home. stop the madness. call the grands and ask if everyone, them, you, daughter and wife can meet up at a park. then just sit and eat. no bad talk. as a matter of fact don't talk at all. just be. enjoy the air. kids playing, good food. and smile. because it is a good day. let her see you and her daughter, without the pain. never take any job away because someone is bad at it. it takes some longer to learn how to be able to do the job. and if your wife did not babysit as a younger person then how is she to know how? takes time.

[@lrock48]

It looked like someone held you captive in a basement to make YT videos.

[@anniedeedrix6732]

Pregnancy and birth was truly awful but the moment I saw my baby , I didn’t know that it was possible to love another human being so much .. all four times I hated pregnancy and birth but the love for my babies was instant .. I had ppd with my second child but not for long , less than a month . Some women are just lying assholes who bull shit the guy with stories aligning with his goals .. she is not going thru ppd , she may just have lied before marriage because she wanted a nice life but didn’t want to put in effort to earn more so she got op for the financial side .. op wife is not going thru ppd , she is just a pos who played op

[@maunabot5292]

Redittors when taking care of a child is not self suficient 😭

[@Schwiegermutter]

St2: It's like our forefathers know what they were doing when they invented marriage. Traditions are solutions to problems we forgot about. But hey, we are so smart and educated today. Modern people just know it all and don't need those stupid old stuff!