Narcissist Jealous of Your Past Relationships (Retroactive Jealousy)

Retroactive jealousy is the outcome of the narcissist's inability to control or own your past. This interferes with his ability to idealize and infantilize you and, therefore, threatens the formation and longevity of the shared fantasy.
Idealization is unlike a scientific theory: inconsistent, not falsifiable and therefore always dissonant (gorgeous but virgin).
Narcissist infantilizes partner to allow for dual mothership and so devalues and demonizes past lovers who abused and took advantage of the partner.
Past versions of yourself interfere with idealization (your life starts and ends with the narcissist in an eternal, fantastic present).
Past lovers and past versions of partner cannot be snapshotted (controlled, possessed) - creates insecurity, abandonment anxiety.
Proof: past lovers but not current lovers provoke jealousy (open relationships, group sex, betrayal fantasies). Current lovers are snapshotted and integrated into the shared fantasy (instrumentalized).
The narcissist inhabits an eternal present.
To the narcissist - and more so, to the psychopath - the future is either of two: a hazy, abstract, merely hypothesized concept, or an anticipated certainty, the preordained outcome of his magical thinking (he believes that he determines future events merely by thinking about them.) These two misperceptions of time - diffuse time and teleological time-inversion - are cognitive deficits and are owing to a confluence of several narcissistic traits.
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[@terryhutchings7701]

I went on a date with a gentleman who asked me if I would be able to put him first in my mind over the memories of my late husband. That first date was also the last date!

[@Narcissists.1]

Interacting with a narcissist is like entering a hall of mirrors - every reflection distorts reality, making it challenging to discern between their self-image and the truth.

[@ape7094]

Now I understand why he didn't want to talk about past experiences. He asked me not to inform him about my ex fiancé...The told me he couldn't handle any information about my past with ex. I told him that I have no contact with any ex..that I had erased their numbers and any other ways of contact. At the same time, he was jealous about randomly met men...

[@user-yg4uc5fg4l]

They all do the same the ex the Narcissist male female there dangerous there jealous that you even had an ex they try and punish you for having a past before them.

[@user-vh9vw7un9b]

Brilliant!!!! My wife would suddenly explode out of nowhere multiple times raging about my ex partners who she has never met and I never saw or talked to again after leaving them. She also rants about any "future partners" I might have and wanting to use extreme measures against both.

[@gsrhatch212]

This was an especially enlightening talk, Mr. Vaknin. My father, an overt/grandiose narcissist, married a Filipino woman half his age just weeks after discarding my mother. In the time since, he has talked openly about his hatred and jealousy towards his new wifes (deceased) ex-husband. His wife has 2 young children (both female, aged 8 and 13)from the previous marriage, and I fear that his jealousy and hatred of the ex-husband will be taken out on the 2 girls. I can't tell you how much your talks and insight have benefited me since I discovered your channel in 2020. It has helped lead to my wifes diagnosis of BPD, as well as understanding what happened to me at my fathers hands and words as a child. Thank you so much for the work that you've done and continue to do. I will continue to tune in to your videos every day until you decide you no longer wish to post. Greetings from Pennsylvania, USA.

[@UmarKhan-jm2pp]

It's like all narcissist follow the same script my dad did the same. He married a younger woman with no kids

[@lauren.11111]

Can u please make a video about retro active jealousy for the borderline?

[@franciscoenciso435]

I had an a-ha moment listening to this lecture. Thank you Dr Vaknin.

[@nf-ib2cr]

Same here

[@casey5260]

This was so so so great and enelightening. My ex wouldn't stop stalking my previous ex before her on social media, asking me who was prettier, flying into rages and dragging me along for the ride like a human punching bag. I thought if I reassured her more she would stop, if I listened to her circular conversations she would finally trust that I love and want her. No such luck. The treatment never stopped no matter what I did. This really really helps bring me understanding and closure that I never ever will receive from my ex. Thank you so much.

[@sheilaphifer6677]

He was an artist and when we met he wanted to draw my portrait. He asked for a picture of me at age 3, not a current photo. Now I understand why. I thought it was odd at the time. At the same time this enlightening discussion causes deep sadness…for not only myself, but for the man he’ll never be and for what he must have endured to make him this way.

[@thomascrown5765]

being on the side of the person with the retroactive jealousy, it truly does suck. theres no peace

[@AremAsha]

My narcissistic partner tried to excessively bring up long past lovers regularly as if he thought it would make me jealous. It didn’t. I wonder if he did it because he would feel jealous in that scenario and assumed others would as well.

[@susanhogan439]

This was excellent for me. I consider myself to be basically a healthy person. My past previous relationship was with a classic Malignant Narcissist. In my present relationship he has high traits of Narcissism. I’ve been very aware that my jealousy of my present partners past relationships is very irrational but yet I have felt extreme jealousy of them . I’ve been battling with this knowing how irrational this is but yet my emotions take over. In my past I never considered myself to be a jealous person but this has now developed more so in my present relationship. I am 70 years old and so therefore there is a vast past history with us of marriage and previous relationships. I’ve been trying to come to terms with this in my head. He said that he doesn’t want to hear about my past relationships, so as not to blemish his idea of me . We know each other since 9 years old and have never talked all these years till about 2 years ago . He has a picture of me in his head on the playground looking at him at 9 years old that he says he reflects on often . Thank you so much for your insights. Ive been listening to you almost everyday for about 6 years now. Your amazing and incredible and have helped me beyond words❤ .

[@user-pv1dg3vs3m]

Dealing with this was infuriating. It felt from the ouside that he was using it as an excuse to fly off into a rage and try to mess with my head. I had the thought, do you believe the crazy souding things that come out of your mouth, or do you just want to maintain a constant unpleasant atmosphere?

[@AngelBlack333]

Your content never fails to blow me away, fortunately, not too far away as I always find my way back to your channel😅. I can relate to this information completely. What I've been experiencing makes so much sense. Great works Dr Vaknin, I always feel a little more smarter after having listened to your videos.

[@cinders9903]

😊😊😊

[@jasminesaez4878]

I am widowed and as soon as my husband passed away my ex who is Narcissist came back but I had no idea he was until it was too late 😅 and come to find out he was jealous of my dead husband and would get annoyed when I would be sad about it 🤔 unbelievable I am so done ✅

[@byaweenja]

I can't watch this. He literally abused me for this exact reason

[@Ktee120]

This all makes total sense. On a few occasions he trapped me in the bedroom and wouldn’t let me leave and would interrogate me for hours about past partners. He wanted to know intimate details about my sexual relationships with them. He wanted to know where, when and how down to which positions we had done and even more detail than that which I won’t mention. He wouldn’t let me leave until I told him. Then when I told him he would fly into a rage and call me derogatory names. He actually succeeded in making me feel guilty, I would leave that room feeling like an awful person and would even apologise to him. One time I begged after 3 hours to be let outside for fresh air, he allowed me to on the condition that he chaperone me outside so that I wouldn’t run away because I used to run away from him a lot. He would hide my keys and phone so that I couldn’t get in my car and drive away. He said to me one day “let’s delete everyone we’ve slept with off Facebook” I agreed and he did the same. But then he got my phone whilst I was sleeping and looked on my search bar to see who I had searched to delete and woke me up going mental. It was all a plan just to find out who my past partners were. But when I said let me see your search bar then, he quickly grabbed his phone and deleted it all. I was previously married and he got my wedding album and put it on the bbq to burn it. I quickly saved it because I have a daughter from that marriage and wanted her to have it. He allowed me to keep on the condition that I keep it in the loft and don’t let my daughter see it until she’s 18. He made me sell my wedding rings though which I wanted to give to my daughter. He wouldn’t allow me to co parent with my ex and stopped them seeing each other. Constantly accused me of still being in love with my ex because he said my voice changed when I spoke to him on the phone. He told me I wasn’t allowed to say hello when I answered the phone to my ex, I had to say ‘what?’ If my ex asked how I was I wasn’t allowed to say fine thank you I had to say ‘it’s none of your business’. He went into my lap top without me knowing and deleted all the pictures I had on my lap top with ex husband in, even though my daughter was in most of the photos with her dad. Went crazy that I hadn’t already deleted them and said I was hangin onto them because I still loved him. I could go on and on. It was horrific.

[@thomascrown5765]

I've done this. Idk why i judge my partner so much about her past. I want interactions to be minimal, not because i think my partner is in love with their ex but because i dont want a reminder that theyve been with someone else. it sucks

[@Ktee120]

@@thomascrown5765 I can understand that but be careful you don’t end up pushing her away with mistrust. Co parenting is hard if you arnt on good terms, so sometimes the niceties are put on just to make life easier not actually because we are enjoying speaking to them. Which is what my husband could never understand. I ended up hating him more than I disliked my ex. The very thing he was paranoid about, he made happen.

[@Jason64976]

very true

[@pajmankhorramtousi8638]

Thank you!

[@albertoesperanza4394]

I had retro jelausy from my ex narc partner because she was triangulating me all the time with her ex.

[@marchesellimusicspace]

So insightful, thank you 🙏

[@user-dr8sc1gp4z]

Hi Dr. Love your explanation of how the narc. internalizes their idea -fantasy-I’m 68 and my new fellow is always questioning my past. My husband of 13 years passed away-I was single for 3 years before considering another relationship.

[@thomascrown5765]

not sure if im a narcissist, but i hve alot of retroactive jealousy. im dating a 46 yr old beautiful woman inside and out, she has a child and i dont. Im 36 and it sucks because i fell in love with her(first time I've ever been in love) but I feel like I'll have to end the relationship because i cant get over her past partners and mainly the fact that she has a child by another man. I dont understand my feelings but I'm trying my best to move forward and accept what i think i'll never accept. bittersweet

[@user-yg4uc5fg4l]

Amazing education on this topic insight is top notch soo much information just very deep minded and thoughtful. Thank you!

[@lisahansel4216]

OMG. my ex TORTURED me about a person I had a one night stand with EVERYDAY ..over and OVER again for years! AND HE AND I WASN’T EVEN TOGETHER WHEN I DID THAT!!….yet HE was an actual adulterer IN our marriage. life with him was emotional,mental & physical hell EVERYDAY after the honeymoon stage. 😢

[@edithflood631]

That might not mean he is a narcissist. He might be a normal guy who took your admission of the fling as a warning, like a little blinking red light on his dashboard, constantly reminding him that you might do it again. Even though it was a one-off and you might not. A friend in exactly your situation got over this stage and went on to have a happy relationship by the method of telling the lie that she was simply boasting about the exploit to big deal herself. The new boyfriend accepted the lie and the vicious cycle of preemptive separation anxiety stopped in its tracks instantly, and they went on to have a great relationship. - And isn’t it funny how a man can be that third person, an interloper into a marriage, steal the wife for his own, and not consider that he is marrying someone who is capable of having relationship with an interloper? Where is the panic then?

[@BenBenBen08]

Thats so me

[@sunrayrosin7181]

I would very much appreciate a session with you and my own therapist for a educational session.

[@IDontRollMyRs]

Great content as always Mr. Vaknin. I’m wondering, how does it work when the process doesn’t involve “hatred or demonization of past lovers”? Since you have mentioned in another video of yours “promiscuity is a causation, even if not directly correlated, for infidelity so those with many past relationships tend to get bored in the relationship and cheat etc.” So how to approach ex partners in that regard then? Thanks.

[@APaul-qq8cj]

Thank you for doing this video. I appreciate you fulfilling my request. OCD & the other underlying phenomena present in this condition were also very important to know. Do you think this ties into additive personality disorder as well? I have seen some people grieve the intimate partner after discard (usually intoxicated), and I often wonder how the narcissist or the afflicted person can go through such intense feelings.

[@todoomeuodio]

That's a very good explanation, but how to cope with this, Dr. Vaknin?

[@kimsikorski5691]

WHAT AM I DEALING WITH??? This guy has been in and out of my life for 10 yrs now. As of now I am the one that is done with him before he was able to be done with me. Except I do care about him but when he would ghost me, he treated me as if I was dead to him. My question is, he has said some pretty weird things to me over the last 10 yrs. Things that are scary and to be honest I don't know if he ever did any thing he has said but the way he said then made me believe that he could be the person that done some very bad stuff. Here over the last few weeks he come up beside me while I was getting my dogs food ready and he said this for no reason. " I don't know why people kill the person that did them wrong, he said that you should always go after and kill what that person loves the most so they can suffer". It was basically in those words and being I know in my head that normal people don't say things like that I just let it go like it wasn't a big deal. Then I was on the phone with him and he said he bought a 6 gal barrel he could put my body in and no one would be able to find me. Again I basically let it role over my head because again normal people don't say things like that Then I was at his house and out of the blue he said that he had to throw away a sheet that I got blood all over from being on my period. I told him I didn't get any blood on his sheets plus I just got my period and again I didn't mention it anymore. Then I was in his pantry and was putting some trash in a box he had laying there and he said there is the sheet I have to throw away because you got blood all on it. I again said it was not me. Now when he was out in the garage I went to look at the sheet. For one I didn't recognize the sheet and I know what his sheets look like because I have done all of his laundry. Also he had it wadded up and tied into a knot at the top of the sheet so I untied the knot and started to undo it a little and I did see what looked like blood but the blood was in more then one place and I didn't want to undo the sheet because I didn't want him to know that I looked at it so I tied it back like he had it and went on like nothing was wrong and haven't been back since. And then just this past week I told him I was done through a text and it wasn't good. I'm going to be honest, I am scared. I don't know why he would say those things that he said. But actually he has said things to me over the past 10 yrs that were even scarrier. Except this time I left him. All the other times he left me. Should I be worried? And what type of person tells people this kind of stuff. But like I said he has said worse things then this to me. Do serial killers tell a certain person things that they do? I have never went to the police with the things that he has said to me over the last 10 yrs because my gut said not to. And I don't want to end up dead. So please tell me what kind of person is he. Thank you. Also the only reason I let him back into my life this time was because he said he got saved and went into the big story as to how he got saved. But I don't think he can keep up being fake and is why he is starting to say the things he is saying again. Please help, and should I be worried for my life or one of my loved ones life.?

[@SmoothOpe_]

I haven’t even read the whole thing but wtf is this ? I think you know the answer to your question but you’re in denial. These men will kill you if you give them the chance. My ex used to “joke” about stabbing me and he almost tried to hurt himself while I was in the house with him. You need to go no contact immediately

[@kimsikorski5691]

@@SmoothOpe_ I did. Just was wondering if he is a narcissistic psychopath Thank you.

[@kimsikorski5691]

@@Ellajaie were not in the same house. Last time I messaged him because I wasn't taking his calls he told me he probably come to my church from time to time and I told him no and he has churches where he lives which is 25 miles away and there is no since in him driving to go to my church and trust me it would be best. He then replied, are you threatening me? I said no, it is best for my safety and if you show up I will put a restraining order on you with all the weird crap you have said to me. And it would be best for my preacher and told him to not call my phone like he did earlier in the day and do not text me anymore. If he does then I will go get a restraining order against him. Only bad thing it is only a piece of paper.