Signs of SWITCHING in Narcissists and Borderlines (Read PINNED comment)

[@samvaknin]

In the video, I forget to mention HYPERACTIVITY. From the description: "Talkativity (hyper-verbalizing), hyperreflexivity (pseudo-psychosis) and HYPERACTIVITY followed by a period of subdued, slow motion, hesitant reactivity." Also, BPD and NPD are prone to switching owing to splitting and self-splitting defenses (previous self-state all bad while new self-state all bad).

[@mirjamhansen2626]

Wow! I never heard a description like this that fits so precisely my ex-husband and his really weird actions sometimes…! Typically when things did not go his way ( which they often not did if you ask him…) he showed so strange behavior - like falling on the floor over a tiny little thing, and banging his head into the door several times, looking totally “empty”in his face if I afsked what on Earth was going on..?! I simple never understand what was going on in all these strange situations?!? And I have never heard it described before. Although I’ve listened to a lot of videos from you, Sam Vaknin, and others obout narcissism. It is now 3 1/2 years since I moved away from him and I still have a lot of work to do on/within myself and in my dailylife and close relationship-situations, so to speak. It feels like I have been drained off most of my own personality (which I think my parents also never fully saw or encouraged). Thanks for explaining really special subjekt. I now see there was a reason I very often was very confused in my 22 years of marriage…!

[@heredith]

@@mirjamhansen2626 jo, thank you for sharing. something I ve understood now, that my ex needed to play a role, when intimacy should come. and when there was a change in our life. I was 20years with him and we have 3 children. I grounded the family, but he always told me, that I am irreal. but I survived. the sad thing is, that they never arrive anyware.

[@falling4mE]

Is it safe to say those who have committed suicide have a mental illness?

[@777Pattie]

​@@MARCIA.ZZZZZZI'm so sorry 💔. I wish you a better life soon 💕

[@whowearereally6494]

@@MARCIA.ZZZZZZ I am perfectly willing to let you stay with me. I was in a relationship like this twice in my life these people are nuts. I am now a home paid for an extra room in the woods near a big city, and I am in heaven on earth, lonely as hell, but in heaven on earth compared to being with a psychotic nutcase. It’s so hard because you see the infant behind their eyes, but they are simply crazy.

[@amyjosephson4386]

My ex-husband is NPD and our daughter is Borderline. There is no way I could and can break through all of that. They are now feeding off of each other and I am the "terrible one." I believe he is using her to punish me for breaking away from his abusive behavior. She has totally estranged herself from me. It is devastating to have a child do that, but sadly I am somewhat thankful in a strange way, because it is giving me time to heal and recharge. I cannot tell you my inner damage due to both of them. It has been a very painful road. I hope that doesn't sound awful. Those that have never had a very close or intimate relationship with someone who has a serious mental illness have no idea how it can suck everything out of you until you have nothing left to give. It is a horrific way to "live". I absolutely love my daughter, and I will continue to send her notes and messages, but I have decided it is better to just wait.

[@tteejay9837]

You have to get out of that cycle. I have experienced the same thing. Get a good counselor that is experienced in cluster B.

[@Langolin1998]

So sad! My mother is NPD/ histrionic, and my sister checks all the boxes of borderline, with narcissistic traits and has psychotic rages. It has completely sucked the life out of me to deal with these two my whole life! My sister is older, and has done some abhorrent things to me through my life; extremely invasive and destructive. She is dangerous! I’ve gone n/c with her….which ramped her revenge tactics. It’s harder when it’s family; and would be even harder to deal with if it’s your child. Narcissists will pin everyone against you…including your own children. Prayers for you and your daughter. I hope she sees the light and comes back around. 🙏. Keep healing 🥰

[@amyjosephson4386]

@@Langolin1998 Thank you. I'm so sorry to hear all you have gone through. That is so much for one person to endure. I was abused as a child and I know it lead to my bad decision in marrying my ex. I pray you find healing so you can stop the cycle in your own life. It is mind-blowing how much damage can be done to you, even damage you are not so aware of. Take care of yourself.

[@eeveecat2158]

I just call them out and tell them how I wish them luck because life doesn't work that way. I finally found a very good psychologist to check myself.😂😂😂

[@ParaskevaZ]

Me too. You’re not alone.

[@marshallstudiosllc]

The most disturbing aspect of this is the change in facial expression… it’s LITERALLY like looking at a different person. 👀😮‍💨

[@carinah2212]

This is exaktly what I said yesterday to my best friend. But if you never saw that on your own, you won‘t believe that this is possible. Very creepy.

[@marshallstudiosllc]

@@carinah2212 it makes my stomach turn. 💯

[@lordbunbury]

Mask off

[@marshallstudiosllc]

@@lordbunbury 🎯

[@ronels1216]

Wow. When I tell people I see this different face on my childhood friend they look at me funny. So glad to see it is a common occurence. I grey rocked this extremely nasty friend after many years giving of her a free pass.

[@blessedvixen7]

It’s awful I’m a survivor of being with a person like this, I could see and feel the entire energy change it’s chilling to the bone even the pupils change!

[@kingagrad3436]

Pupils are being so black and big. Now I remember... People sometimes thought that he is on drugs

[@dianaverano7878]

Yup. Eyes change. Psychopathic stare.

[@J5L5M6]

Absolutely. Posture, voice (she would go from 'perky gal' and graduate into vocal fry kid from "The Shinning." ... Then the throwing of things would ensue. Thankfully, I ended it after just five months, but, yeah... I've never been fearful of a 110 pound anyone, let alone woman!

[@stacymethvin3426]

Yes yes yes

[@dovefeathers-li2gl]

People often talk about the pupils going big and black but I see the opposite - turn to pin holes... freaky

[@One-Of-One_01]

...the person changed.. literally, his posture, his demeanor, his face and his voice..I will never forget it.

[@notsocrazyjohn5348]

I experienced the same thing although I call BS on his comment that the eyes going black is BS, both my son and I witnessed her eyes going black as she told me in a voice straight out of hell how she intended to leave me financially destroyed in the gutter, before driving me to suicide. She was as good as her word, after 6 years of over 30 court appearances, investigations, tribunals and humiliating indoctrination courses/ counselling she very nearly succeeded. He can prattle on about Psychiatric theories as much as he wants but this is straight out of hell, the very opposite of Humanity.

[@rebeccagutierrez8170]

​@notsocrazyjohn5348 Their eyes sometimes dilate when having an episode. It is scary.

[@suelevett3369]

Dear Professor Vaknin, I am diagnosed with CPTSD after a lifetime of terror and a long list of abusers. I have learned a lot from you however this piece is the most profound of all to me. Hypervigilance learned from childhood and throughout my lifetime, means I am highly alert to 'switching' events. You have explained precisely what I needed to know to describe my own emotions and reactions when people are switching. I relate every single thing you talk about to either one or more of the vile people through my life. This information is possibly the last piece of the puzzle I needed to understand my life's trauma because I didn't have the language to describe such things. I saw these things, I felt them, I knew what was happening but that word 'switching' was the one I needed. Thank you.

[@jerrybakken3712]

Only after watching this video just now, do I feel as though for ONCE in my life, someone else (Prof. Vaknin) 'gets' me and what's going on in my head. I've never felt so "understood"! Perhaps that sounds weird but I was diagnosed (61 yr male) with BPD around 1992, by a psychologist, however was given no indication that it was going to wreak havoc for me the rest of my life... I'm just now beginning to understand what/why/how and when I operate and what makes me tick or 'schtick'...becoming homeless and broke and rather destitute has added a whole new dimension, however crossing paths with other mental health 'citizens' does not always have to be crises...love and kindness and stability was missing for the bulk of us when we were young... We can practice it amongst any one of us at any time, and by maintaining and respecting one another's personal space, we all give each other another opportunity to grow...it really is like starting life over again in so many ways...each day, every day, and sometimes several times per day...praise the animals, sunshine and good things that warm our hearts and re-fill us with kindness ❤

[@lootbird]

I think you’re both probably sick in the head and looking for attention. Imo

[@Loriburnett]

Dear 3369. You have 100% explained my life. I am beyond broken.

[@rosalindr4975]

Thanks for sharing

[@courtneys4568]

I have BPD and when I split I feel hate rage and anger from feeling misunderstood and then I think sad thoughts like everyone life around me would be bet if I wasn’t around. In the moment I’m convinced of so many things and so paranoid ppl will backstab/betray me. Not always but at least 7/10.

[@courtneys4568]

I do that! All good or all bad. I hate it. So annoying! I also wonder if I’m a narcissist. Idk how I can tell. My ID is wobbly when I’m dating someone or live with someone. I become and do everything but what I want. :( Idky I need help!!! I do that about love. I want love SO bad but feel like I get betrayal, lies, control etc. I get scared and distance myself then I feel lonely.fear of abandonment and rejection bad! Also when I recall I feel like I’m in the trauma again! :( I don’t wanna be triggered by love or see things as good or bad. ): I cry and scream when I’m upset. Then shame and guilt. I feel like a 5 year old but I’m scared. I dissociate to help. I’ll procrastinate (I have ADHD) then freak out when I’m rushing. 😞 I do that about my body. I do not like the reckless/impulsive behavior. This mostly happens when I’m rejected, abandoned. Or homeless. The gaps are HORRIBLE! Especially if ur scared ppl using that to their advantage.

[@whatsboredom9133]

If it gets worse before the period I highly recommend researching Zoloft for PMDD. It healed mine and I stopped destroying myself immediately.

[@whatsboredom9133]

If it gets worse before the period I highly recommend researching Zoloft for PMDD. It healed mine and I stopped destroying myself immediately.

[@krisp422]

I recommend finding someone who is a specialist in personality disorders! Specifically in BPD and NPD. They can give you all kinds of tools to help out. Best of luck and security on your journey stranger!

[@MatthewJamesKent]

​@@courtneys4568you spoke my words. Omg. Just broke up with my girlfriend over this, because I freaked out

[@confirmedbachelor6019]

Imagine being a child growing up with a parent who switches/splits on them.

[@davidlangley4762]

I did, I am 64 she is still here, I am still struggling to understand and heal.

[@paulmccartneyadorrer]

I don’t have to imagine it. I was there

[@1szera]

Trust ne you do not want to imagine it.

[@tonidelisa8185]

You have no idea the damage

[@racquels4529]

Dude, it's a real-life scary movie, for sure.

[@juliewillis9539]

It's me. PTSD. All flashbacks. Not blaming my father but my mom died when I was 17. He wanted me to sleep in his bed when I had a panic attack. Later he told me let's call the girls!! I was so divided. I was a girl only 19. Yet I wish I could have said. What the hell are u talking about. You weirdo. I was only 19. He also got drunk and I remember this so much. He was grieving his wife's death. But drunk. He tried to hug me and kiss me and called me his wife's name. I remember like yesterday. I who was a young adult, thought. Should I kiss him and pretend I'm my mother cause he is hurting so badly, or should I save me. I pushed him away and saved me.

[@DontbeanNPC]

The fact you even thought about kissing your own father in a sexual manner is disturbing and shows you have severe trauma from him. I am not blaming you but just saying I hope you're getting the therapy you need because that's definitely not normal to even have that thought regardless of how much you love him as your father and wanted to help.

[@ghostsheet777]

​@@DontbeanNPCyes completely agree, this is not a normal thing to think, obviously from what you have been through it has caused you to think this thought but I hope you can find peace this world is cruel man ❤

[@safrew1]

I am so sorry you experienced this. It is so brave that you chose to get away in that moment. I am sure you are not alone in the mental delema you experienced in the moment. I think you are very strong. May you find hope and healing.

[@taylora3830]

@@DontbeanNPCit’s actually a much more normal empathetic response to someone you care about. You know they’re hurting, so the child in you says I’ll just pretend that way they can feel better. It’s a form of people pleasing, and I’d bet hundreds if not thousands of other children would have thought the same thing.

[@O.Sea.D]

Big hug darling, you are strong and smart ❤

[@OH-tz7km]

As a borderline myself, it’s kind of hard to wrap my head around this … I have to watch again . I’m trying to educate myself on my mental illness for the first time in decades

[@AngieHarding-k5j]

Good one you for taking responsibility and trying ..so many do not ...they know but refuse to do anything...they blame others for there behaviour

[@Frederiekje221]

That is very brave

[@jarednicholas3180]

We all have problems. When we are capable of being monsters, and we choose not to, or try to correct it... That is the most noble thing a human can do... We must choose to be brave... Mental illnesses are not our faults but they are our responsibility, and I admire you for your courageous spirit. I'm in love with a girl with BPD, but she will never accept responsibility and it hurts so bad.. so be brave and learn about your experience in this life and be a beacon of light to all of those around you

[@TinaXV_85]

Yes. Me too.

[@skierprincessakify]

BPD is really just complex trauma. By just I’m not downplaying it but I think if more people understand that people diagnosed with borderline have complex trauma they wouldn’t stigmatize it as much. It takes a lot of work and DBT type therapy but people with BPD can change and heal.

[@LisaRichards_123]

I have wondered about this for years. I witnessed this duality in my late mother, and two other people, and I have told my brother about this switch for years. It was very scary, because you never knew what state she would be in. It felt so unsafe as a child, because of the unpredictability of who you were dealing with. So you never knew what behaviors on your part were safe. I had to be extremely hypervigilant, fearing who might pop out next.

[@Lion-rf8xi]

Yeah leads to a lot of people pleasing because you don't want the switcheroo when you don't act "right."

[@adithalee8660]

Yeah, but what you don't realize until years later is that it has nothing to do with you pleasing them or not. They just have a mental issue. And it is possession. @@Lion-rf8xi

[@Linlateal1990]

In my family we called this “reading the room”. I’m the oldest of five, so I got the undistracted version. It’s why I have dissociative amnesia. Constantly hyper vigilant and terrified.

[@ClaireGraceMarshall-jr5mm]

I never brought friends home as in other girls from high school for girl stuff, I was near like that. But when I was in college I did bring a friend home so we could do stuff for class and she thought mum had multiple personalities syndrome I know it's called something else nowadays but ironically her mum is a narc too and she no longer sees her either.

[@rajeshkanungo6627]

I think they are the same person except that they are using a different behavior to control you. And they switch it to the sweet face to trap you back in. So you are always thinking about not triggering the dark side and the narcissistic is getting a high off controlling you. To them it is just a power game.

[@FiberFairy22]

I just escaped the toxicity of a narcissistic likely BPD or something similar - love bombing to devastatingly toxic "f you f you f you" and back to " I love you and want you forever" within a 30 min span. EXHAUSTING AND TERRIFYING!!!

[@cavedancesinc.6775]

Same here. Went along with it for nearly ten years. Wasn't worth it.

[@dianaverano7878]

Drastic mood change and no permance of attachment....truly a sign of mental disorder. We normal people deserve a safe environment. With a healthy partner who consistently loves us and unchanging feelings

[@mpro9446]

Good lord sounds like my last relationship …fucking AWFUL

[@dianaverano7878]

@@mpro9446 unfortunately, if the person has emotional dysregulation, is a sign of mental health problem When moods drastically change everyday as the wind blows. Let that person see a psychiatrist

[@J5L5M6]

The Love Bomb to Toxic is real, and so wildly manipulative. One feels as though you must fix something with yourself/behavior. Glad you are on to new chapters.

[@chai848]

When he switched it was the most disturbing vibration. Even people near us would leave. And I would be in flight or fight mode.

[@Ultamami]

❤️

[@havenprizmich9217]

I dated someone with BPD for over two years and it ruined love for me. He wanted me to operate from a place of fear like he was, so I wouldn’t leave him. It was living hell and a massive battle but I’m so glad I got out.

[@d.mononoke2039]

Don't be lazy and go to therapy. It's also horrible of you to say he ruined love for you. Go ahead put your adult pants on and seek help.

[@havenprizmich9217]

@@d.mononoke2039 I’ve been in therapy for years now, piss off

[@d.mononoke2039]

@@MarjyGTV people's gotta take responsability of themselves at some point. I was with a narcissistic psychopath for 5 years, and got to experience bad damage to my life and my personality. The difference is, people with BPD are usually not malicious, just disrregulated, so one's gotta move one's tushy and get it to therapy to heal and move on.

[@kingagrad3436]

Do you guys saw "ironic smile" switching? when for example in response to your question, a fast smirk appearred and you felt as if they laugh about you?

[@warmthvibez]

yes, I have seen this when I was briefly getting to know a person with narcissistic and borderline traits. It's a really disconcerting thing to witness.

[@samsamsammy2013]

During a night out with my ex partner with BPD, she split and decompensated at a bar. She up and walked out irate and callously because I caught her sexting another man while we were IN the bar. When I finally took her home, I went to kiss her goodnight. She withheld purposefully, and she saw my face turn to tears. In response she smiled. I’m so glad I’m far away from that hellscape of a relationship and learning to build and protect myself.

[@kingagrad3436]

Update, I am no longer with him. Turned out my intuition was telling me the truth. I even received such feedback from him that I cannot comprehand how he could say to me I love you when he is telling me and showing me his true intentiona and carelessness. Not listening to me and what are my needs. It feels so good now. I feel like a big weight came off my chest.

[@onewingangel1117]

@@kingagrad3436 @samsamsammy2013. Runnnnnnn. Fast. Save yourself! Save your future kids. Save your future self. Just say no!

[@LilacSnowBun]

@@kingagrad3436 ❤ Stay strong.

[@inhimwelive2554]

Ignorance is not a bliss - thank you Prof Sam for another insightful piece!

[@SignofTheScorpion]

Your video confirms I've been misdiagnosed with BPD when I actually have CPTSD.

[@samvaknin]

Watch the BPD and the comorbidities playlists.

[@SignofTheScorpion]

Will do, thank you! @@samvaknin

[@BeyondtheHiggs]

This explains a lot. My mother and I are in the process of making peace. This explains her strong reactions and then being just fine and me as a kid thinking WTH just happened. We've talked recently about events that defined our relationship when I was young, and my mother apologized and admitted she had no memory of it. In a weird way it allowed me to forgive her.

[@Attheheartofit786]

My ex was NPD and a cocaine addict. I witnessed him switch or what looked like cycling through personalities so frequently that it was not only disorienting but sometimes downright scary. I had no idea of the mental illness or drug addiction because he kept his drug life hidden. In 10 years of marriage I never saw him use but he did nonchalantly admit it to a doctor in front of me. He almost seemed to brag about it. Needless to say the marriage was a nightmare and very scaring for me. I’m just relieved that I woke up and left him when I did. Switching is definitely a real defense mechanism that I can say I am starting to understand now being a safe distance from it all.

[@deliascott1416]

Jekyll and Hyde Smirk / victim Hell to live with, can only understand it now ,thank you from objective safety of no contact safety.

[@kmac6691]

Wow. Great video. Aside from all the other drama and bullying, its the actually the switching is what makes the relationship so exhausting. Thank you

[@rachellewis5016]

So freaking exhausting. That is exactly the word for being on the receiving end of it. The next word for being on the receiving end of switching is traumatizing. The switching it terrifying and unless you've witnessed someone do it, especially someone who's very good at hiding it by avoiding ppl saying they have social anxiety etc, it's impossible to explain to ppl who haven't seen it. So thankful I'm away from that behavior as I can't see how it can ever properly be addressed this level of personality splitting.

[@JCRastafari]

lol isnt he talking about you katy....

[@Coolkid-o9l]

Thank you Dr Vaknin! I was diagnosed BPD age 26, I'm now 56 and have made great strides w/my mental health. But a long time ago I 'switched' and didn't know what I was doing 😢 I almost lost my life. Thank you for explaining so beautifully. I live a drama free life and have many years in a 12 step program and my family back! God bless 🙌

[@eastretreatalchemy]

The day I saw his eyes glaze over as he crashed me and my son in the car at full speed was when I saw the switch and I'll never forget it. He was gone. Never was there really.

[@Annii_Oakley_]

Yeah… they don’t have a core self… They are a shadow of a shadow. A copy of a copy. All of whom they mostly hate… don’t get caught in the crossfire…

[@Supported32320]

@@Annii_Oakley_ pretty much. idk if its true but it certainly feels this way -- that they're mad at the fact that they cant become a real person so they take it out on real people lol. technically there is no crossfire cuz technically they dont exist. you're just feeding the fire in your own mind so to speak. like how you gon fight with a shadow? thats what that is. its you fighting with yourself and thats why people get so upset at these Things. thats exactly how they know what to say to you. they're not psychic. it's not coming from a demonic plane in our universe. they don't have magick. they're stuck off in their own hell and you'll be in your own hell as long as you believe in them. A shadow of a shadow of a copy of something that never truly existed but may want to become sentient. thats why everything around em feels so fake. thats why it works best to gray rock em lol. just dont believe YOUR OWN mind playing tricks on you which is projected through them. cuz they're nothing without you. they'll test tf out your personal strength and will. if youre strong enough you'll endure that test and use them to become stronger. if not, they'll break you tf down with a bunch of psychological mind games and unnecessary bs, or confusion. THEY are your shadow self. THEY can help you master your fears and become a better version of yourself in this world. a lot of people up in this comment section want someone to blame for their not developing their own selves and thats why people say "there's a lil narcissism in all of us" lol. cheers

[@JustinaSmh]

​@@Supported32320VERY TRUE AND BEAUTIFUL COMMENT! I SUGGEST YOU MAKE A VIDEO ON THIS!!

[@DoctorPPants]

This is by far the most detailed and accurate description I've seen. I was nearly finishing your sentences throughout the video. Thank you so much for this.

[@batujankatom3613]

Honestly, i can't thank you enough. I didn't know how to describe this to my family. The word 'switch ' says it all. I used to tell my sister that i think I'm married to multiple people, because my x would switch every 2 weeks. I lived with him for 16 years. I thought i could endure but nahhh, i was dying in silence.

[@bourne2bling]

It’s taxing on the victims. How’d you leave?

[@Sistersweetly70]

And I do agree it is a phenomenon. Everything about the changes and what I've noticed is that they don't remember what they said or what they did previously. They are dumbfounded when you talk about something they did yesterday it's almost as if they have no recollection and you trigger them by talking about it

[@rosalindr4975]

Isn’t that scary yet fascinating? I’m surrounded by these folks right now. Shouldn’t have rushed into this marriage.

[@Sarah-sv6wg]

The horror you describe at witnessing splitting in bpd/npd is accurate. I would recommend that the horror the suffering person is experiencing is also taken into consideration. Thanks, great video.

[@carolpeachey1925]

Very interesting...thank you, I've realised that these personality disorders are a lot more complex than I first thought. Some sufferers don't even realise they've got NPD or BPD..I knew there was something wrong just not what it was, now it's obvious.

[@arcadiablue3006]

I think there's a lot of overlap, but NPD people seem more likely to believe there is nothing wrong with them so it's rare that they seek treatment.

[@ragingphoinix9144]

BPD is a spectrum. I was recently diagnosed with bpd/cptsd. I am able to hold a job, pay bills, etc but interpersonal relationships are where I struggle. Usually triggered by other emotionally inept individuals I seek out naturally due to the disorder.

[@batujankatom3613]

Very correct. My ex would be enraged every time i say that he needs help. ​@arcadiablue3006

[@danbrooks2874]

This is why I've had such a hard time trying to determine if my wife has NPD, BPD, DID, or schizophrenia. I've seen her exhibit what looks like all of these many times over the years. This one video explains my whole life for the past 16 years. It makes everything make sense.

[@leilam1010]

crazy, i’ve been trying to determine which one of those I myself have .

[@danbrooks2874]

@@leilam1010 Well, according to this video, it may very well be NPD, since it is known to manifest in all those other ways.

[@ameliakennemer]

So schizophrenia is a thought disorder. If you can hold a decent conversation with your wife then it’s probably not this one. A good test is to ask her what a parable means- ie. “what does ‘loose lips sink ships’ mean?”. Schizophrenics cannot answer this; they either say something about lips actually being loose (no abstract thought) or they start saying something completely off topic. Many many disorders cause delusions or hallucinations. Hope this helps.

[@danbrooks2874]

​@@ameliakennemerMy wife can't hold a conversation anymore. Absolutely nothing she says makes sense. Just random ramblings that go from one morbid topic to another.

[@ameliakennemer]

@@danbrooks2874 unfortunately sounds more like schizophrenia/ schizoaffective disorder. I’m sorry you’re going through that. I don’t think people realize how difficult it is. I hope you have or find support.

[@beatrice6209]

I'm extremely tired of studying. Not only my family, it looks like the whole fucking city is narcissistic. I give up.

[@sheilaminkin9092]

People need a deliverance ministry

[@beatrice6209]

Than we need a couple of thousands of priests...​@@sheilaminkin9092

[@beatrice6209]

@@alexsky104 I think I'm too much time alone Alex...

[@VintageVice-li4pq]

It is spiritual.

[@daisybcomedy2170]

Ya why does it feel like almost every man in my generation is a narcissist?

[@Sadbuttrue-ThatSwedishGirl]

I feel like my ex switched between borderline - narcissistic - psychopath. He is the most destructive I've ever met. I will never be the same again. I lost myself completely and have trouble finding my footing in life. He got diagnosed after our relationship and now no contact for a year except court proceedings for his violence against me 🙄

[@Sadbuttrue-ThatSwedishGirl]

I get therapy. Going on 3 y have recently switched to EMDR. I dissociate a lot. The most scary part is that he still controls me to this day. Realized that recently 😅. Why I'm telling you my story is to warn everyone I can to the harm of coercive control!!! It is sneaky, you slowly get brainwashed and it goes mostly undetected and before you know it someone else controls your mind and your body!!! And they don't even have to be physically with you!! Suddenly you are isolated and have stopped all social interactions. Even your job and with your family. You wear the clothes he tells you to wear. You become their therapist. You cover for them if the police come. You are always available to the second to answer texts or calls. You do what they tell you to do…. It is crazy!!! They slowly push your boundaries so you get used to it. It starts with hidden insults that are hard to call out… Because “they love you so much!” Then in a rage if you have said no or don't comply with their wishes, they destroy the property around you. (this is their warning for what is about to come to you if you stay) Then physical injuries that are just accidents because “they love you so much! They would never hurt you on purpose…!” (that's a lie bc most of them are sadists) How would you know? You don't think that way! Well.. you are not them. They think differently. YOU ARE NOT THEM!! Don't ever judge anyone else after yourself because you will never know what anyone else thinks or what's their goal. Love for you can be very different from that love is for another. It can mean empathy, kindness, compassion, understanding, loyalty, openness and vulnerability for you. For another it can mean pain, disloyalty, manipulation and deceit. It all depends on how you were taught in childhood how love is supposed to feel. It can happen to anyone to be controlled. I was a successful entrepreneur, 40 y and have been a “beauty queen”, highly educated and considered strong and intelligent. This means absolutely nothing!!! I was starving for love, adventure and attention… and boy didn't I get just that…. in the beginning. Bc this is what malignant manipulators are professional at doing. To manipulate what they want. They are chameleons and goal-oriented like no others. Without no effort they become your soul mate. To be able to be who they really are they want the relationship to evolve quickly so they want to move in rather soon, get engaged or married or get you pregnant. That! Will make them hard to get rid of and preferably in your life forever. No.1 say No! and see how they react. Do they get angry or try to persuade you? Let them go! They don't respect your boundaries even though you don't know each other, then they will never respect them!! No.2 Never listen to what they say bc love for them can be very different from how you perceive love. If they say “I love you “ don't mean shit if they don't back it up with appropriate BEHAVIOR!!!! No.3. Take your time. Do not rush into marriage OR CHILDREN. Bc that will get you stuck with a person for life you don't even know. Wait at least a year or two to watch behavior and consistency. Many lessons were learned.

[@underthestaircase]

I think something similar about my x but he will not see a psych doc cuz theyre all hacks. I'm so traumatized I have not been in a relationship since.

[@seanwagner7426]

ypur right you wont be the same ever again. you will be stronger and wiser more understanding and accepting of people once you heal the wounds. just focus on healing not the parts of yourself you abandoned while dealing w these people. recovery and thriving is possible but you gta pur the work in. the truth is you allowed it all to happen. yes you are not responsible for others actions but you chose to stuck around and allow the behavior to continue.

[@mischella6467]

I can relate….. I feel lost sometimes….

[@eastretreatalchemy]

And ur NOT ALONE. ❤ same.

[@WizardKitty723]

I saw my husband switch. It was very disorienting and confusing and it took me years to figure out what was wrong with him (borderline). Watching this makes total sense of the period of time. He went from ponytail-wearing far left liberal antiwar protester to full-on MAGA cowboy boot and buzz cut. During the transition he attempted suicide and ended up hospitalized and talking about how the CIA was watching him. It was this transformation that led me to realize he has no core identity or morality. Also, during our whole marriage I could see his face change from the pleasant, easy-going man to the man who was angry and paranoid and was about to attack me in some way (thankfully never physically). What a mind trip.

[@-astrangerontheinternet6687]

In his defense, the anti war left evaporated when Obama continued bush’s policies and expanded the drone program, and ended American lives overseas without trials. And Trump started no new wars while in office. If you doubt me, please look it up. I was suprised Trump is the anti war candidate.

[@Skootfairy]

Love these online lectures! I also appreciate you speaking on details of these topics because I observe switching but it is not talked about a lot by other academics and practitioners online.

[@renee887]

This was a great discussion of the cluster B disorders. Very informative and fascinating subject. I believe my mother is an undiagnosed BPD. The RAGE is intense and very scary. Loud noises startle me.

[@bhajandaniel9771]

My sister is subject to both NPD and BPD. Her defensiveness is extreme, one can never tell how she'll interpret things and she changes on a dime. Extremely aggressive and with a tendency, not just to bullying, but bullying campaigns, she's full of suspicion and constantly angry. Talk about walking on thin ice! She's about impossible to relate to and there's no more contact between her and me, though she used to be a nice person. She started noticeably changing when she was in her mid-thirties.Now she's almost 70 and seems to literally derive self-esteem and satisfaction from intimidating people, literally bullying them into anxious, frightened states. She seems to need a 'fix' of this periodically.

[@ryanvandy1615]

Wonder what changed in her 30s

[@antjackson7809]

Thank you for posting this. After years of trying to understand my ex’s behaviour, I now very clearly understand what that cycle was that I was witnessing.

[@tonidelisa8185]

My mother would go into a rage and switch. Her face would completely change, including her eye color. The first time I realized this she had just physically attacked me, blindsiding me with a radio to my face. She fell on the floor, started crawling across the floor like a crab, fingers and face contorted, drooling and screeching, to pull the phone cord out of the wall so I could not call for help. After she switched back, she had no recollection. I eventually realized that she would go into a fuge state when she would lose it. . I was the only one in the family that experienced this with the exception of once by her sister. She asked me once if I had ever seen mom’s face change. I knew instantly what had happened.

[@Supported32320]

its pretty common in people who arent complete. you'll hear other people talk about how their face or even voice changes. they can appear to be what is commonly described as demonic but even demons can be very helpful. these things are their own kind of demon. they're fiends. many of them seem to be completely unaware they possess very little consciousness. fascinating beings once you get past the fact that they like to hurt people. it seems like they're solely devoted to coming into your life to hurt you but in reality you have to understand that they can never evolve past their own being. they're just doing their job so to speak. and your job is to understand what they are and understand how to use them to your advantage. they're meant to bring chaos and pain into your life so that you face the darkest parts of yourself, your own demon(s), and if you're strong enough -- evolve into a greater version of yourself. Embrace them for what they are -- catalysts.

[@Supported32320]

@@dianeleblanc2970 its some lower life form not necessarily demonic. i guess it would depend on how you define demons. with these things, there's not much to them. you're not going to have vast conversations with these people. but then you may or may not find this scary but, you're not going to have incredibly vast conversations with most people. it's something to think about.

[@missylou725]

This almost sounds fake.

[@tonidelisa8185]

@@missylou725 Yeah. I know. . I wish it were

[@missylou725]

@@tonidelisa8185 sounds like a scene from a film...I literally thought you made this up...what a thing to experience

[@maahhkusful]

I'd love to hear a dialogue between you and Gabor Mate

[@baloneysaucejohnson8747]

He'll yes. That would be dope

[@kingagrad3436]

Voting for that!

[@tundeszalontai2804]

me too

[@randomactsofhugs]

Or Jordan Peterson i hope i got his last name right. Sending Airhugs of positive loving energy to you all

[@lilafeldman8630]

That would be so cool I can just hear it now! 😊

[@barbarajohnson1442]

Wow, how interesting that the sense of smell/ taste/ process of memory invocation in Proust is a description of SWITCHING! Now I must read again!!!

[@suzannahmiller8441]

Totally resonated with me from personal and professional experience. It’s the best explanation I’ve ever heard, despite working with PD patients in the psychiatric system. Thank you. Loved your giggles too! People comment on my giggling so I feel better now! 😂😂😂

[@KrazyKSONflower]

I have a Sibling who was showing signs/symptoms of BPD/Narcism at age 3. Worsening over the years to the point that all her siblings have shut her out. We were the problem & blamed everyone else. She is now in her 50’s. Seeking therapy in my upbringing was a sign of weakness. I really wish she’d get the help now.

[@amitsalaskar1024]

If you are by any means attached to these type of personalities..try to get out asap. It will be difficult at first due to enmeshment but trust this guy and dont ruin your remaining days try to fix them. These personalities are dangerously damaging and suck the joy out of your life. Better be alone than be with them.

[@Healingfromnarcissistabuse]

I can't because my daughter is borderline. My ex was borderline and it was hell

[@Lara-xu3yc]

The problem is though that my ex (who is a narc) and I have two children together. So there a times I have to communicate with him during hand over. Just recently, I believe he has been experiencing a switch, triggered by a confrontation he had with our sons friends father who got mad that our son spat on his daughters face. Since then, my ex has been placing very high expectations on me - being mentally abusive, has attempted to isolate me from my family, and also alienate kids from my family too (unsuccessfully). Since he has become increasingly abusive I have kept most, if not all conversations strictly limited to email conversations. I feel scared of him and he gives me anxiety. Even though we have been separated for two years; he still tries to control me in covert ways.

[@Sirg17x]

A lot of this makes sense in my last relationship. Fights always started after times of intimacy, celebrations, etc. Even her discarding me happened after weeks of not even an argument. We had gone to the beach one weekend and had a good day then we celebrated her successful pre-disertation for her PhD studies the next weekend. Then boom Monday she says she is done. Other than me blaming myself in the confusion she was calm through the first month. After I learned of the infidelity and made the first move on getting a lawyer and officializing things that she started getting vindictive again. I try to gray rock as much as I can and I know we are close to the end. It is miserable though. Now I'm just working on my healing as the realization took its toll and led to lots of ruminating on the topic. Here's to healing and better tomorrows. I did everything I could and it's okay for this chapter of my life to be over.

[@pjmrees]

I locked myself in a room to escape the terror I felt. He was trying to break down the door while screaming and threatened me. I called his best friend and told him I think my ex was having a psychotic break. It all started when I tried to address his addictions.

[@betov333]

I spent so much time in bathrooms trying to hide from the worst rages of my ex BPD gf. I choose to laugh abt it now rather than cry lol

[@Sadbuttrue-ThatSwedishGirl]

I hope you have left him now. It will only get worse and take much longer for you to heal. I'm 3 years out and still have PTSD and struggle with everyday chores ❤

[@zenmaiden1]

Sam, thank you ! One of the best videos I’ve seen . I needed to understand this , I’ve been confused about this for about a year. It was terrifying to experience. I literally felt it was a stranger in his body. The eyes changed dramatically. Hope to hear more on this subject and related topics.

[@onewingangel1117]

@@zenmaiden1can you describe the eyes? It’s literally the same things everyone says- the eyes change

[@libralillyknits]

U called another dude instead of emergency services? Eek. That’s certain to make a borderline lose their shit

[@doriaware2965]

Very enlightening, thank you! I have recently witnessed the hyperactivity around getting organized, followed by extreme slowness in pulling it all together. It is disturbing and difficult to ignore. All of these behaviors require a lot of resilience in a partner. :-)

[@melanieschafer1297]

My ex step mom did this. She started out to be a loving doting wife to my dad. Once his life expectancy was extended (he was expected to live 7-10 years, at about 15 years after his diagnosis), she became mean to the man she once pretended to love. Once he stopped bending over backwards to her every need, she treated him like garbage. And she would treat me even worse to get under his skin. I have never heard a person growl, like a vicious dog, like she did to him, when talking about me.

[@moondust1979]

Wow.. this video was so deep and explained so much, I now understand. I have been very nice and caring toward someone then the next day she just switched and saw me as an enemy. For absolutely no reason . I’ve been nothing but nice. Suddenly she’s blanking me as if I am a stranger and she doesn’t know who I am. I can see why now. What an awful twisted way of being.. it is so malignant. I have just cut off contact I avoid her at all costs now.

[@macijohnson111]

I’m not officially diagnosed but from what I’m learning in most recent years. I’m definitely narcissistic and borderline. I exhaust myself let alone the people around me who deal with me.

[@linehempel162]

Me too,sad situation

[@MichaelDG2023]

You do not sound like a narcissist

[@batujankatom3613]

​@@MichaelDG2023People with NPD never accept that they have problems, not alone looking for solutions.

[@kimbanz9818]

Narcissists have no self awareness. I doubt you're a narc

[@Jewelsquiss]

Borderline if you feel guilt for being narcissistic. A Narcissist feels no guilt. (Almost all people behave a little narcissistic at times, especially if they were raised around it.)

[@hendraniekerk-brandmessagi9329]

I always felt like I was married to two people. One very kind. One very abusive.

[@Lp-vw1lf]

I’m learning so much! “Thank you” and “I’m grateful” don’t fully express how valuable your lectures are for my understanding and healing. My ex-husband used to switch constantly and it was frightening. I lived a life walking on egg shells. Though I’ve been divorced for 20 years, your research has brought so much clarity & validation to that haunting experience.

[@anitawaclawik4286]

I had never heard of the term switching before & found this video useful with understanding an undiagnosed BPD family member. I found the terminology difficult but I recognise the signs of switching. It would be useful to have an in depth video about what to do with the BPD person when they are about to experience switching & afterwards because I found it dramatic & quite frightening.

[@brendaceilley6145]

Sam, IMO, this is one of your best, most informative videos. Thank you 🙏

[@greghostetter3959]

I soon learned that her cover for switching was a sudden, out of nowhere health issue - every time. We're having an awesome time and suddenly, "I have a tummy ache (bpd infantile term)," that can never be questioned. At first I thought, "wtf just happened," until the pattern revealed it's self. I've never met a person w so many "tummy aches"!

[@samvaknin]

Somatization.

[@ugnemiseviciute8807]

Okay... I am in a close friendship with a person with bpd. We have been friends for 3 years now. I have witnessed her changing and sometimes it is quite difficult. But they are not a demon, they are not a psychotic monsters or a non-person. They have their problems and sometimes it might be hard to deal with for friends and family, but they are just as human and complex as any other indivudual and it is definitely possible to have a meaningful relationship with them. Especially if they receive appropriate psychiatric help.

[@Freedommjw]

You've only been in that relationship for 3 years. I'm sorry but you don't know what you're talking about. Wait until it's 23 years... you'll be so sick of her.

[@LouLouLion]

Idk about borderline but he was also speaking about narcissists, and "demonic" is definitely a way that many would describe them. They will destroy you from the inside, out. Obviously they are human. Religious people may not think so, but their behaviors at times could only be described as demonic. I think he was more referring to the narcissist than to the BPD. I doubt most people think they are actually demons.

[@whatsboredom9133]

Very psychopath-sympathizer of you to assume they seek therapy or proper help.

[@tahsina.c]

​@@whatsboredom9133its called having humanity. It seems youve allowed those who struggle with their own to take yours :/

[@MissShembre]

I also had a 3 year friendship relationship with someone with personaility and mood issues. Her family life wasn't good (functionally drunk parents) and she was autistic. Years 4 and 5 were hell while I was trapped under the same roof away at college.

[@tapaswini1999]

I have learned so much from your videos. My head is clearer and I feel empowered. I have been married to a person who has all the characteristics of one who has NPD. We have been married for decades. I have been at a loss as to why he is such a different person now than the one I married. The change has been gradual and slow and is not anything like his younger self. I also have changed slowly along with him.

[@UniqueLeeMrsG]

I find your comment so relatable. I have been treated as if I expect them to change but the truth is they changed and I never expected it. I don't want change... I wanted back the person I thought they were. The person I knew the first few years. I see that person once in a while but it feels fake and fleeing. I have changed as well. I never know if I am going to deal with insults, compliments or a combination of both. I have become too comfortable with grey rock but once in a while a comment/insult really hurts.

[@sammihebert6493]

I used to have really bad BPD up until my late 20s, then I moved in with my sister (who is an incredibly nurturing human), and for about 5 years I started to deconstruct my mind from our fucked up childhood and heal. We had many nights crying about the abuse that went on when we were children and my heart started to heal. Now I’m a completely different person, I still have the pain inside but I can regulate my emotions better and I understand who I am and why I am the way I am. My BPD symptoms disappear as I create a healthier environment for myself with many years stacking up between me and my past with my toxic parents

[@Elizabeth-tb5oh]

This is the definitive video and explanation of these people in our lives. Very grateful to have heard this. The switching is so obvious and yet was incapable of making any kind of sense out of it. This was my dad. My ex’s. It’s so familiar.

[@HerbnAura]

I’ve experienced this on a date. The guy’s facial expressions changed so much he literally looked like a different person! His entire voice changed too. It was so freaky! He kept this personality for a few weeks then switched back. I called him out in the switch in behavior and he used it as an excuse to end things. It was such a creepy experience.

[@FiberFairy22]

So glad it was just one date!!!

[@Addease]

Yep of course they can’t stand when people catch on.

[@spankhill7722]

⁠@@Addeasethey can’t stand to be judged for their disorder, when they are trying to live normal lives.

[@dest8401]

Lucky escape for you. It’s hell being in a relationship with a borderline. And you can’t love them enough to help or fix or save them. Run.

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

@@Addease I don't understand how you were being "judgmental". But I agree, the thing that narcs fear the most is being seen.

[@pinardemircan1749]

Being raised by borderline-narcisist parents and unfortunately exposed to them for 50 years ended up my becoming a global antinuclear scholar activist who has already been familiar with nuclear fission , chain reaction and explosion.

[@paulmccartneyadorrer]

😮 I’m so intrigued

[@pinardemircan1749]

@@paulmccartneyadorrer ☺️

[@whereisthehall]

Very in-depth lectures. Also the flow of talk explaining so much in such a short time reflects his command on subject. It’s always fascinating to listen to him.

[@samanthakennedy6475]

I wish I'd understood this earlier in my life...valuable insight thank you so very much

[@vsee2207]

I call it cycling. It can start by several days of weird comments and a cold energy. Then ups the game by making sexists comments while watching tv. Then in the next day a big miscommunication which turns into no matter how rational your response is it is buried in put downs until you lose it. Then the name calling and rage rains down. Then the cold silent treatment for two days. No apologies. It is always your fault. Then the brain chemistry changes in the narc, and they get the relief and release they crave. And then back to being a normal person for awhile.

[@p.m.williams3142]

I can relate to this exact experience all too well. Perfect description.

[@piscinaiv7937]

BPD here firsthand description of what a 'switch' feels like from my own perspective. The 'red static' when I feel it coming on--you feel it in your mind and see it behind your eyes. I always try to relish those silent and motionless moments he talks about in between the static and the break--it's so quiet and blank. It's not bliss it's just peaceful but with some anticipation (but not dread) as you ride out of the calm. Physically I get flushed with intense heat in my face and head, break out sweating immediately. Teeth clench and the upper lip twitches into and out of a snarl position mostly uncontrollably. The triggered weeping can be mentally micro shifted away to a 'regular' state under normal circumstances using fetishized behavior but it's going come when the switch hits no matter what those tears will flow endlessly and it is bothersome. Logical coherence is gone to the point of actual hilarity. I've actually wondered on the backend if the switch was a dream like he describes and I've always realized right away that it was not but that feeling is there for sure and it's always a curious moment in it's own right. After a switch I'm more disagreeable and defiant to the general order of things for a day or so. Post event long term my wiring seems to recall these incidents ambivalently or funny (not fun) or oddly, remember them fondly as a 'learning experience' instead of dwelling on the carnage they've caused. This is not a conscious/thought out point of view it's just how they get called up when they sometimes randomly do. I've def. blanked some days and have questioned my own recall ability as to the reality of past events on occasion as well.

[@sharl0ck779]

I appreciated your description. You have a gift as I felt I could almost understand your experience upon reading it. My family member who is bpd turned red-faced, started sweating just the other day (I had said things she didn't like) I noticed and instinctively realised I'd said too much and felt she could lose it so I spent the next 40mins talking her off the ledge without really understanding why I needed to until now.

[@nickh3243]

piscinaiv7937 - I hope this much insight has prompted you to seek specialised professional help. It would make all the difference in your life. Be compassionate toward yourself. I wish you all the best. 🌹

[@ChienNoob]

I switch for sure. I can feel frustration and exhaustion triggering it. I'm trying to understand how to stop or at least ameliorate it when it happens with my partner. To inflict this on him is cruel and also shameful for me. He is a very stable personality, and I think I mistake that as indifference or as a lack of emotional involvement. What complicated beings we all are. This was a very discomforting listen.

[@WindmillsOfTheMind]

I know this is controversial, but I've been a narc's 'scape goat', and after your explanation of this combined with BDP, which I witnessed on several occasions, I feel so utterly sorry for them. I cannot return to them, as I have had years of this confusing 'switching' (it was as though they walked through an invisible veil, one personality one side of the veil and a completely different personality the other side) and terribly abusive attitude and behaviour levelled at me. I feel horrid for walking away, and still have this urge/yearning inside me to help them through their pain and confusion... but, well, a complete separation had to come about in order to save myself. I'm not looking for sympathy - just revealing my years of experience in as brief a time as possible. I was drained of energy, feeling so demoralised, rejected and utterly worthless... it had to stop. And, yes, it did seem like the individual was 'possessed'. But, I still can't stop feeling guilty about ending it. Thanks for clarifying this. It makes an awful lot of sense to me.

[@odileflint7082]

I can understand your viewpoint, it is like a grieving process . However remember a narcisist does not exist he is an amalgamation of borrowed parts constructed initially to please others ultimately to gain something from them. Who therefore are you feeling sorry for? They may look and behave as others amongst us but they are a copy, someone with no core, akin to a hologram. There is nothing to feel sympathy for, nobody there. The longer you stay with them the more likely you will get infiltrated by them and become them, you will have effectively made a pact with the devil by staying and for what... some faux highs and breadcrumbs of validation. You have the luxury and privilege of being able to observe and experience this because everything is a lesson, people call themselves victims of narcisist abuse but that is only one aspect, you have agency of yourself use this experience and knowledge . You have the luxury and privilege of leaving this, it is not a luxury afforded to the narcisist.

[@EnterGoldenAge]

pretty sure demonic possession is real. psychology is one perspective of this, perhaps. not everyone who seems demonic or possessed necessarily is, perhaps just need spiritual (inner) healing, some won't ever go for that. i have no religious denomination but i do believe demonic entities are real and can be invoked and have inhabited bloodlines through millennia.

[@leveticus1461]

Stay away, they do not need your help. Only a daft would return.

[@cavedancesinc.6775]

I kept going back to mine. Each time it got worse. They blamed me for everything and indicated I was the main problem in their life. That when we were separated, they were better off. They were emotionally, financially, and physically violent. Despite everything I gave they didn't appreciate any of it. We are simply supply to the narcissist. We either give completely and get nothing in return, and enjoy it, or we're made out to be pathetic losers that need them to survive. Eventually, we'll need to let go of the guilt. It doesn't serve us at all. And going back only gives them validation that we are stupid enough to let them pull us back into their nightmare.

[@susanmarshall8466]

i kept going back to mine, because i got caught in a trauma bond and addiction to it and lost myself and could only find myself in the relationship of the drama of him and us. the intensity of it - the highs and lows. i have escaped finally - even left the country without him knowing where i am. but am now out in the world in the aftermath reeling from it all...lonely..and so sad.

[@ReadingsByDestiny]

Thank you so much for this comment. I was on the fence of staying or going & how soon I would go if I went. Sh*t....how I would go when that time came. However, hearing your comment has helped me. I have to go now!! My daughter is almost 2, and I see her go through the emotions that I wasn't aware that I was going through until I saw it in her. It breaks my already broken heart when he walks out the door for her. Pray for me 🙏🏼

[@triawillow1972]

Prayers going up Sis, please get out now don't make the mistake I've made bcz you're right! I had no idea how bad it was going to affect my children to be raised with a BPD narcissist until my son at 26 stopped speaking to me suddenly after disclosing he felt I let that person destroy them and me😢😭 I have never been so ashamed in my entire 50 year life and I now realize with the help of this doctor and Dr Ramani here on KZbin that I didn't listen to my red flags that went off when my son was Two as well .... I didn't believe my own feelings constantly making excuses for the narcissist and it has cost me everything with my son. I will continue praying for you Sister just remember, YOU CAN DO IT, you are right you are validated and you should run hugs for you and best wishes for you and your son💜🫂💜✨

[@Akwalker3000]

🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@ReadingsByDestiny]

Why is it so hard to go? My daughters 2nd birthday was cancelled the day before it, he said there were consequences for my mouth!!! He is using her to get to me and I'm still here 😭

[@wsh415]

@@ReadingsByDestinyyou need to go Destiny pray every single day and speak positive affirmations over you and your daughter every single day and ask God to give you the strength but you cannot raise your daughter in that situation! I pray you found the strength to leave!

[@smileyginger1]

Dear God... there's no end to it, is there? This explains why I suspected Borderline 10 years ago, and more recently NPD... (but also still see Borderline in there) it's like living on the other side of the looking glass. I haven't dared bring it up with any mental health professional because it's so hard to find people that actually understand what partners in our position are dealing with.

[@HerrLindstrom]

BPD and NPD have several overlapping symptoms so you could very well have been dealing with a borderline narcissist. My fiancée was diagnosed with BPD so a lot of what's said in this channel makes a lot more sense but now I'm starting to wonder if my partner is also as such. I'm no psychologist but the thought terrifies me to the core to even suggest she be tested professionally for NPD. It's been 8 years. Not all of it was a living hell but the last 4 years have been especially difficult because the pandemic basically finalized her isolation from friends that have known her longer than I and to a certain extent I also became isolated from my circle of friends but I still have my gaming buddies I regularly talk with because gaming is my hobby and in a way the only real space I can feel safe and escape.

[@queenofclarity]

I had to switch to get my children and I to safety. Normally I would express myself (maintain my boundaries) but I needed to keep the environment calm in order to make my escape. He used to hate that I self reflected (accountability) because he knew I was smart but he created in his head that I was a “know it all” and decided to focus on what he thought were my weaknesses and ultimately discovered those were my strengths. I listened.

[@sheilaminkin9092]

The tear down - it’s a demon

[@Kookia220]

It’s mind boggling. I mean we all act differently at times but at your core you’re the same person. So narcissists can be anyone and change frequently but have no core personality to return to? 🤯

[@janebeatty9472]

Sure they do…the young child or toddler taught shame.

[@whatsboredom9133]

Yes or the core of themselves they hate and hide forever. If you see it, they flee.

[@whatsboredom9133]

Yes or the core of themselves they hate and hide forever. If you see it, they flee.

[@arcadiablue3006]

@@janebeatty9472 this exactly. My ex was also an alcoholic and the more drunk he got he would actually pout like a toddler and call himself a monster. Even when sober, the way he hugged was very much like a child - a tight squeeze.

[@susanmarshall8466]

the one I just left, i saw how he changed his personality depending on who he was with. it was like that was where he found his personality through the people he is with....never seen anything like it.

[@Steven-p4j]

You managed to describe my X wife to a tee. My two sons were destroyed by it, as was I. Yes, it would seem as if she had become possessed in the shortest of intervals. I would walk from the kitchen and wash my hands in the bathroom, and when I returned, she was unknown to me. Very cruel behaviour, including gaslighting me. I am very sensitive, so I would always heed her words at first, and run a self-examination to establish if her comments held any truth, which they never did. She destroyed a family and took everything I had worked for. The courts sided with her, without even listeningg to me.

[@RachelThomas-d8q]

The nastiest people are always listened to it seems. What about awful place.

[@TwinsMom1and2]

So sorry. Ugh.

[@rosalindr4975]

Healing to you and your boys. I think it’s even harder for men to escape, society doesn’t really support the men dealing with this

[@rainbow72878]

switching is so wierd, it comes from sudden thin air, absolutely out of character.

[@stacymethvin3426]

Whenever i would tell him how much I loved or needed him and that I was looking forward to the future, he would create a chaotic situation to hurt me.

[@nathansawicky6333]

Yeesh what a mind fuck. So sorry you went through discovering that fact.

[@CheezhOfficial]

I thought my narcissistic ex girlfriend had dissociative identity disorder because she was literally acting like a different person "catfishing" other people online. Different name, values and everything. I was so confused. Why would someone do this? I knew something was off with her when I found out. But I just didn't get it why she was doing this. All of the sudden she became a people pleaser trying to make sure I didn't leave. She even had disorganised speech patterns. Now being a wiser man I understand it was a way to get narcissistic supply!!!

[@Jewelsquiss]

Narcissists mirror the person that they are luring. When they lured you they were mirroring you. You fell in love with You.

[@rosalindr4975]

@@Jewelsquisswhat? No.

[@Jewelsquiss]

@rosalindr4975 AND When you try to leave or at least just try to regain your own personality a little bit, They will Love Bomb You. They mimic or Mirror your sweet personality, to win you back. They say and do the things you would do. They convince you that they ARE That person you fell in love with. But they are not. You fell in Love with YOU! THEY NEVER Were that Person. You were. Since it's you that you love, what do you need them for?🤷‍♀️

[@carianabelle2840]

very interesting he accused me of cheating and “commtted suicide” by ruining his life and everyone around him after i started taking space and trying to take care of myself so i could be better in our relationship. he accused me of so much awful stuff out of nowhere it tormented me that I tormented him when I was giving my trying to be earnest and warm. all i wanted was for us be happy together. i started tiptoeing around him and trying to not provoke anything bc i subconsciously knew little things i did triggered him but i didnt know why or what exactly what i did at all. I have been ruminating everyday playing back certain memories of us since our breakup trying to figure out what exactly I had done to make him act out so horrifyingly, i didnt know narcissists could switch and living through it was so jarring. Only now am i able to really see the whole situation with clear eyes.

[@susanmarshall8466]

i can so relate to what you say. how long have you been out? i have been out for 2months, and only 3 weeks of no contact. i even had to leave the country, now i'm in a foreign country lonely and reeling from it all.

[@moonjudas]

"Switching is disorienting for the observer" It's disorienting for the subject too 😅 hence that somatization

[@paulmccartneyadorrer]

I remember doing mdma with a partner of mine once and they were switching between personalities every couple of minutes. I was also under the influence of the drug, but I felt clear and confident and motherly. I listened to and held space for the different personalities coming through my friend, but I wasn’t reactive to them. I understood in that moment that this person was acting much like a radio antenna/ receiver picking up different “stations”/personalities that he was tuned to. I noticed his eyes and face change. He would lose himself between these states. Some of the things that were being said were very dark and threatening ( thankfully in my heightened state, I found these unpleasant energies to be harmless and endearing. ) I saw fear and rage and joy and confusion pool through his eyes in a manner of seconds. I discovered that I was able to pull him back into his body and ( a state that was manifesting as him as a small innocent child ) by looking him directly in the eyes and saying “hi!” In a very playful and loving way. He would snap out of his other state and suddenly be aware of his environment and would seem giddy and delighted by my presence. However, he was still showing signs of being confused in that childlike state, saying, “ where are we? Are we okay?” And I would say, “yes, we are safe, we are safe inside our room. Quite the experience. I learned a lot. I don’t know how much of this experience he remembered or was aware of but he ghosted me and then when I spoke to him again he broke up with me.

[@riquelspace135]

This sounds terrifying

[@adithalee8660]

It reminds of the Matrix when the people would turn into those different agents all of a sudden.

[@p.m.williams3142]

YESSSS

[@ScoutMcGovern-vd1rx]

When i see him become overly nice and attended. The switch is near, maybe too near. He wants to catch you pff gaurd and .ake you question your own reality, (which is truth). The swtch only last so long now. So many have experienced this type of abuse. Sad, there are different types, though their are some wounds that run deep as any type of abuse. Remember, when we were kids and our parents would warn us not to go near anything hot, that will burn you? She wa was preparing us for what we couldn't see nor understand that kind of abuse. This abuse leaves no physical marls. And remembering how he called you, crazy , while he the narcissist leads us to water, but instead, whither due to dehydration.

[@virginiastrother4098]

Thank you so much for this. Nobody has ever been able to describe my late husband so well. He committed suicide last year. This is exactly him. To a T. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This brings me so much closure just knowing everything I think , feel , and experienced was real. It was purely out of spite. He did it on my 40th birthday on purpose. He always ruined every holiday, birthday every anything. When we all got sick with the flu, he finally realized I couldn’t baby him anymore because we have 3 children and they come first….. sad sad situation. The baby was just 6 weeks old when he did it.

[@triawillow1972]

I'm so sorry this happened in your life Virginia, sending healing love and light and prayers for your family's continued healing 🙏🏼💜🫂💜✨

[@virginiastrother4098]

@@triawillow1972 thank you so very much. Sincerely. Without the love and supports of my amazing friends and family, and people like you, we wouldn’t have gotten through it. I just pray he finally understands. I pray he’s at peace, I also pray he has to finally be accountable. I always wondered if he was Aware of what he was doing. I got my answer that fateful day. he did it on my 40th birthday, I knew. I knew he was well aware. Why else would you do that, unless to specifically punish me. Of course he was well aware of these stupid games. To take your own life bc your ego is so big and you refuse to vulnerable and admit anything, I can’t begin to understand how dysfunctional that state of mind must be. I hope he understands now.

[@AmeliaHarris-ci7qo]

Thank you for sharing t

[@Neil-f3u]

I watch a lot of these Y.tubes I'm autistic . Level 2. Yours shine. Yes, you know your subject, but that's not it. Its your command of the language of anguish. Its poetry. You are passionate and relentless. You will never be happy till you have stood on the surface of the sun, and seen through the suffering, the final unequivocal truth. Some of us are damaged beyond repair.

[@IRONBYRON3]

I'm not sure parting words have ever been so salient..."not for the faint of heart". Regardless, the heart endures...and despite pains, will survive. But must learn lessons from the strife. You are not a victim...you are a student. And the hardest lesson is that you created the conditions for that perfect storm...they are to be fixed. Address them...and solve for them, post haste.

[@donnas2375]

Amazing advice!

[@Coolkid-o9l]

I'm just trying to be a light in this world which I still find beautiful but I have to say sometimes gets difficult 😂

[@ChristianGeer]

More importantly dont look for value from external sources like romantic relationships. The only constant you can control in your life is YOU meaning you have to fill your time with wholesome things and choose them wisely. Choose habits that build up your own sense of self and make you happy, not what makes somebody else happy, and not what you think you're supposed to be doing at a certain age... what you actually WANT to do without all of the external BS influencing your decision. Then if you do stumble across someone who is genuinely intrested in you then yeah get to know them but don't ever try to fit into a box that wasn't made for you, or in this case the box is more like a coffin. I was lucky enough to have a strong will implanted from a young age and some experience with narcissistic drunk relatives so when my BPD girlfriend let the mask slip and I started calling her on BS it didn't last long. Periods of being profusely sorry etc but of course its not enough to get her into therapy or taking the meds she's supposed to. Not sorry enough to actually put in the work to make a change and after a particularly bad outburst she crossed a line and I told her to GTFO. Each time I had given her a chance and guidance on how to find treatment, heres my doc or where to find them if youd rather not use mine, etc. She would always seem genuine and then find some way to sabotage it after a while, i figured she was just bored and insane at the time but everything Sam says lines up perfectly, I get it was about control now and she blew it up when her attempt at controlling me had failed, or when I had simply offered a more reasonable solution, because I guess in her mind that was one more way of losing control is being incorrect. I'm autistic and already exhausted trying to read body language and I sure aint about to let some jerk start triggering me with irrational BS. Send em packing, yep it gets lonely and 100% worth it for freedom. I hope to find someone who is genuine one day but I'm no longer putting stock in other people's opinions about me and learning to be happy in my own life without needing external sources. I also think her condition was exacerbated by tiktok and how it shortens attention span but thats just anecdote from my own experience.

[@heredith]

in the phase my exhusband has left me and went to another women, he changed voice.

[@onewingangel1117]

Mine started wearing cologne after having met and married him while he actually had a strong dislike of perfumes and making himself smell good for the 12+ years I knew him and changed his entire wardrobe and political beliefs (went from liberal to republicans almost overnight, the biggest WTF moment for me). I was under the impression he was rebelling from his hardcore upbringing as a Jehovah Witnesses elders son (like a priests son). He was rude and ungrateful when his late dad would gift him colognes because his dad was practically a metrosexual who loved looking and smelling his best. Turns out it wasn’t just a rebellious nature, he had switched with me (I am not a Witness and would’ve never even married him had he told me about his religious background when we met and got engaged- yes, he was playing a fake version of himself when I met him…we know there’s no actual real version of them now). He also started wearing tight bright funky colors and clothes that his conservative father would’ve deemed flamboyant or downright ‘gay’ and he grew out a huge and ugly beard that was his pride and joy- after spending his whole life not being able to have facial hair because of his religion and never caring much about his clothes or appearance (he had been excommunicated by the time we met in 2009, so again I figured it was him rebelling in his real self. And I always supported him like an idiot). He even used to make fun of even our ‘friends’ because he thought Starbucks was lame mainstream garbage and he would randomly ridicule Starbucks lovers. Now he goes to Starbucks at least 3x a day with his new family (according to my older kids from 3-4 years ago because we had no choice but to go NC) But based on everything else I know and had other people corroborate about him, his ultimate form is just probably a closeted homosexual and that’s why he’s repeating his fathers habits of getting various women pregnant without actually being a father. He has a beard, and his new family is also a beard, if you know what I mean. That’s probably why his psyche broke so hard in childhood. He was most likely coming to terms with his own homosexual tendencies and his giant pride and small self-esteem (again, all corroborated so not my own opinions) gave in to his dads whims when he was alive until he died. Submissive mom that catered to him like a golden child (he actually called himself that), devalued and controlled the same way he attempted to do with me the way his father taught him to. His father also had a dad who was a staunch homophobe and limited his entire life based on stupid ignorant rules even though he wasn’t religious growing up, himself. So yea…make sense he found comfort in a restrictive and cult-like religion and all to raise his family but you can’t blame religion entirely because it only goes so far with them. Religion came after the fact. It was all some cluster b clusterf*** of a family. And It all made sense once I learned about this stuff. Also, can’t forget the eyes. Everyone mentions how their eyes change P.S. the other woman was none other than his underage ex from his religious past who was also brainwashed and weird…and married with 2 small kids actively involved in the religion 😂 it’s wild

[@TITA-n-Dimsum]

My ex did a voice change as well. But funny enough, it was the same voice that I noticed when he was asserting himself with certain people. So in my mind, I was thinking, “Oh wow, I’m getting the official Division Chief voice… what an ass” smh

[@shivani99999]

​@@onewingangel1117its those big Beards so in vouge for guys on the down low.

[@chai848]

My ex boyfriend I love him passionately. This just made me realize what was happening with him. I saw him switch. I just didn’t have the language for it at the time. I told him he was like 2 different people. I hope for their sakes there is a way to establish an authentic real core self.

[@a.alliswell4987]

I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again: I LOVE THIS MAN !! Thank You so much ,professor Vaknin

[@reneeruwe3895]

Thank you those is the best video yet for me it really clarifies what I suspected and validates ny experience with family members I have witnessed these micro transitions You have described so beautifully all the material I keep wanting more. I love all your work but this is just what I needed. Thanks ❤😂

[@AngieHarding-k5j]

Thank you Professor Sam ...you have just explained my borderline partner of 10 years switch and because of his past I understand so much now ...wow ..you are an absolute god send for us on the receiving end of these people ... I have been studying this subject for so long ..nobody gets it right except for you ...I know the signs but have a much better understanding of why ...it is incredibly draining and scary when it happens ... And can be like a light switch sometimes ...but there are always signs .. and I always had a reaction to it ..asking ..questioning is it me ..blah blah ... Which always made it so much worse ... I have learnt over time not to say anything..or react ..I simply remove myself from the area ...and when I return stay away and keep silent... Therefore I don't become involved...it has extremely hard ..there are stages like you said ...he returns and he switches back often seeming remorseful...or hyper happy ...like nothing has happened...staying silent works for me because the switch back is much quicker ....

[@dianavillegas1959]

Golden line "your partner is a mirror, not real"

[@nanisantiago2437]

I thought I was alone in this . The only one who was experiencing this kind of thing. I’m afraid to even put a label on it . I sit at home cuz he doesn’t allow me at this point to have any kind of life of my own . Idk what to think anymore or how to feel . It’s been 11 years n I relate to every single comment n this video . I feel a little lost .

[@BarbaraM-lv7pe]

Nani come up with an exit plan. Put aside $ & documents, pack a bag if you can. If he abuses you then talk to family, friends, a priest, someone that you trust will keep your confidences. Research govt agencies, shelters who you can go to. Isolation is an abusive tactic!

[@triawillow1972]

Sending love and prayers totally would've said the same as the above comment, check out Dr Ramani she will empower and validate what you're going through you are not alone, many of us are not just surviving narc abuse but thriving after such tremendous loss. You are still young please don't wait until you're 50 like I did🫂💜🫂✨

[@nancytait3075]

What you're describing is horrifying. You need to follow Barbara's advice and get away from this abusive person. It's bad now and it could get much, much worse! You deserve to have freedom and joy! Please take care of yourself! ❤

[@johnw7777]

when he is away or asleep call the police and ask them to come and arrest you so you have to go. work out how to have your documents with you or sent ahead to friend or family member

[@rosalindr4975]

Can relate! & I’m too full of autoimmune issues to work. He was supposed to be helping me keep the house clean for my illnesses. Last 2 years he’s undermined everything and finagled my Mom to pay for a lot of things that are our responsibility, not hers.

[@divinereflections5657]

This is my EX husband and he refused to get treatment💔...i would watch him SWITCH😳..YES IT WAS LIKE A POSSESSION..ABRUPT SO OFF GUARD ..SCARY..its literally like a life switch and you CAN NOT live a stable healthy life with someone like this....i had to get out ann relocate in silence...it was causinf me a MENTAL BREAK..its been 2 years and he tried to damage my life...I am so balanced and at Peace now🙏🏽...im still healing and recovering i had ro adjust to NOT always be alert because i didnt know WHEN he wiuls switch.😡...these are dangerous people💯

[@shelleybeck3487]

You have totally described my Son. I know he won't get help, but it helps me to understand. He can go from being ok to outrageous and scary. I've always known he was never diagnosed. Unfortunately I can't be around him by myself because he scares me too much. He had even hurt me physically. He is 36 years old and it seems to have gotten worse over the years. Thank you for explaining.

[@Ftjxmmged]

I have dissociative identity disorder and i am really grateful for you to be talking about it because i had a therapy providers boss tell my therapist that i was faking because DID isnt real even though anyone who is friends with me already knew it was real even the mother of the person i do support work for she said on the weekend 'i always wonder which version of eli i get if you are going to be very chatty or if i am just going to be a bit quiet, and just different. It isnt that i change and get really angry, i only ever do that if i am alone. When i am suicideal i have always been sad about when i have been suicidal because i dont want my friends to be sad. All my alters help me but some of them have bad coping mechnisms and a lot of self harm that i didnt show to anyone. I have noticed the biggest difference between BPD and DID is that the only prrson that i have conflicting feelings about is the person who abused me, everyone else in my life if somebody does somsthing that upset me i would rather speak to them about it and try and fix it. Lots of people (me included) get correct diagnosed with autism get misdiagnosed with bpd because with autism we also have black and white thinking. When i have been friends with people with undiagnosed bpd if i did somwthing that made them upset it went from them saying i was their best friend ever to exist and then suddently i was the worst person that they ever met. What would you consider someone with ptsd having what would be considered an emotional flashback if they do not have NPD or BPD because I know people who are sexually abused sometimes feel dirty when the think about what happened to them, wouldnt that be an emotional flashback?

[@stuffinmyliferightnow592]

This is unbelievably helpful information thank you

[@janinesmith369]

I thought my narcissistic significant other seemed schiz as his personality goes from sweet, nice and caring and just like that he’ll become like a Mr business and becomes randomly combative, very serious and cold. And later, back to nice then he’ll randomly become critical, snappy and nasty. To others he’s always the nice guy . Like who is he gonna be throughout the day? Yeah my narcissistic mother was like this personally switching as well.

[@rosannecochrane6543]

Thank you for valuable insight. It has helped me to understand the switching of personalities of persons I had to adapt to in my life. Both narc and borderline PD individuals and the multiple personalities from dementia and Alzeihmers individuals.

[@magicmoonmedicine]

Holy crap this was a good one! Thank you professor Vaknin!❤

[@TheCrviera]

Thank you wow amazing! I've lived through all of this! I've got to watch a few times.

[@artsybookworm3501]

I think it’s so unfair (I know life isn’t fair) that NPD and BPD is (is it?) born out of deep trauma, and it seems like the trauma becomes permanent. Like there is no hope for us because someone ELSE (or many someones) broke us irrevocably. How is that fair? How do the people who traumatize us get to win??? It makes me pretty sad. I work so hard on myself but really, ultimately, there is nothing there. Nothing to work on. I’m, yes, a void.

[@myriamguns2162]

your not a void. Do not give up. xx

[@artsybookworm3501]

@@myriamguns2162 thank you xx

[@Wilddiscodance]

It’s hopeless

[@danikalovesyou3443]

Thank you for your contribution. I’m so fascinated with this mental illness. I love to pick peoples brains and ask all the details of what the experience feels like switching.

[@samsamsammy2013]

My ex partner with BPD would quite literally faint (even in public) and arise as a DIFFERENT person. Callous, zero observable empathy, and ready to recklessly harm self or others.

[@Strassenkaetzchen]

:O Wtf

[@christinerobertson9596]

My elderly mother. She is known for "the look" whereby everyone should run. She cannot speak now without screaming at me. She cannot speak words of any truth anymore. It's like she's giving up something if she is truthful. She wired a large amount of money into my account and told the fraud department I had cancer. Then a week later she called the fraud dept and demanded it back . The bank has not in two months returned her money. It's very strange.