Narcissist's Common Phrases Decoded: Narcissism to English Dictionary (Compilation+New Videos)

Common phrases that narcissists use:
I love you (dual mothership in shared fantasy)
You have changed (coercive snapshotting, devaluation-separation)
I am … (grandiosity)
They are (projection) …
This is wrong (useless, inefficacious)
I don’t remember having done/said that, it doesn’t sound like me at all, the truth is this (dissociation and confabulation)
If you refuse, it means that … (coercive control)
Why can't you decode the narcissist's speech?
In the lovebombing phase of the shared fantasy, the narcissist introduces you to his dead inner child (True Self) and to his bad object (the introjects that hate him). This way he induces in you maternal reflexive bonding and pity for him. Do not fall in this trap ever again! Knowledge is power!
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[@ATX_Guy]

I don’t care what anybody says, Sam has the best content.

[@ErikSchmidt-pf9ve]

Fr

[@chautran2588]

Agree. The first one ever addressed this narcissistic thing.

[@dianamorariu9763]

By far

[@vy5922]

absolutely 💯

[@xavierserrano4880]

No doubt. He is unrivaled

[@jillybeans11.11]

My eyes went 👁️👁️ when he said “narcs don’t communicate, they CONCEAL”…! That resonates and explains soooo many frustrating and unresolvable conversations.

[@feliciajoy2264]

Amen. ❤

[@darlagenung2298]

Because a lie is a lie. A white lie is a lie. A half-truth is a lie. A hidden truth is a lie. A lie by omission is a lie. A lie is a lie. No good foundation was ever built on a lie, hence unresolvable.

[@holly5611]

I had to stop the video when he said that so I could let it digest, I had the same reaction!

[@CarinaAbramovic-sh8ej]

Me too. Finally I understand so much.

[@donnawoodford8145]

From my experience, they confabulate, obfuscate, mirror, sneakily bait to establish trust, get into your secret life to wield information and weaponize all of it to destabilize, confuse, provoke, and generally leave you in an emotionally exhausted and mentally depleted state of being.

[@Cuzzakat]

“I’m a nice guy” is a classic. Heard that several hundred times

[@kimberlycontrarian9890]

I’ve heard the same.. nice guys don’t have to say it

[@alexandrachapman5134]

Only hundreds? 🙄😒😶‍🌫️

[@randybrinkman-do4xf]

Mirroring ? Reality if we are honest , we all.have imperfections, flaws , shortcomings , failures , actions that brought shame , embarrassment, guilt , shame , no doesn't make us bad , does prove we are not all good either , and these things are not a topic most of us relish dwelling on or discussing as our favorite topic , so it's gaining consensus topic closed , we are not to go there , and that's the rule , like you I am a good person ? Wrong we are not alike , as they intentionally deceive , abuse , use , lie , cheat , steal , destroy , harm , and no not all of us are like that !

[@dontbeadogsbody3564]

The narcissistic dick that I know, always described himself as a guy with simple tastes.

[@LouieShowers]

As a victim of narcissism and a person with a Psychology background, I will say that this man is legendary and we should all be super grateful for his time and insight. This video is a masterpiece.

[@letthemjustletthem]

Sam thanks for being so candid.

[@mindyjones333]

1000%

[@WorldPeace313]

Absolutely agree with you 💯

[@angelakilroy689]

An awesome video.amaizing.Love your sense of humour???Thankyou very much.xo

[@claudiknits]

Today after this ..I finally blocked the narcissist, cut all contact ..I hope I can endure this ..I need a hug 😢

[@heatherwagar5868]

I know, Hun. I did that 6 months ago and still struggling. Sending big hugs 💕

[@claudiknits]

@@heatherwagar5868 thank you so much 💜

[@linamico6483]

Not easy at all, i am on the same journey, stay loyal to your self, you got this

[@claudiknits]

@@linamico6483 💙

[@Patricia-sh7re]

Here is your hug ❤ DONT EVER GO BACK!!!!!

[@RettaNRatchetRecover]

This made so much sense to me. I stayed in an abusive relationship for 20 years and I remember one fight when I walked away and he followed behind just repeating I love you over & over after devaluing, insulting and making me feel like shit might have even been hitting me at this point. It still freaks me out that I actually believe he loved me. I did love him Unconditionally but he was too cruel 😢he made me lose myself for a while. I am far better now that I am healing from the chaos even though I have CPTSD. I was abandoned by my parents so I guess I didn't really know what love was to begin with. Grateful I have learned to love myself ❤

[@lapellegrina]

o😅 1:51:58

[@jaroslavasteinova7657]

The love of a mother for her child should be unconditional, love between adults should not.

[@glenyshill72]

.......... The love of a father for his child should also be unconditional.

[@unagiikura]

Relatable!❤thanks

[@RettaNRatchetRecover]

@@jaroslavasteinova7657 you haven't been in a long term relationship yet have you? That's how you stay married. 💯 I don't mean accept bad behavior. I am talking about love ❤️

[@SNi-hn1wd]

Walk away. RUN away. Move slowly into relationships. Keep your antenna up.

[@missta1820]

"I'm a good person". The one I know has made this statement about himself several times over 4 years.

[@robertthompson5501]

I was told this ad well. B...h.🦊🧨

[@EvgeniiaDolinenko]

❤ I listen to this interesting information and I start to realize that I am getting tired of this crazy narcissist world and their peculiarities. I want to grieve my loss but I don't want to stay like this much time. I don't want to spend my life deciphering those inadequate individuals.

[@delicatelace8830]

Ditto.

[@thetranspersonalalchemist]

Most relatable comment

[@danahill3545]

I feel your pain. Good luck with getting away. Pray hard! I haven't found the road that leads out of this trauma 😢

[@darrenwalker3986]

I know exactly how you feel. It is no life having to be continually on guard with these degenerates. There are normal people out there. Don't lose hope.

[@eloramac6203]

As a psychotherapist I can honestly say Sam cuts it !!! I refer all my clients to his videos to help them with their processes ! Thank you Sam 😊

[@bakshodhadda7081]

All I know is dealing with a narcissist is absolutely exhausting, Thankyou Sam for the much needed vital information that helps when dealing with a narcissist

[@carstenweiland7896]

My father is a Narcissist, why would I torture, kill, destroy my father? Went no contact 20 years ago but I still like to understand his motives. Your channel makes more sense in that way.He told me that it is possible to keep up a mask for a few days and I suspect that in the endgame of our relationship he tried exactly that towards me. Unsuccessful , I spotted the hints that he really thought I am weak, lesser than him and so stupid that he can breadcrumb me forever. He was wrong.

[@lisamcmahon-q1z]

I'm glad I'm not the only one that does this. I experienced similar, and still am trying to understand

[@jodsterf]

Same... my mother is a narcissist. I went to therapy for over 12 years. It was an amazing experience for me. I also went no contact for a few years, then allowed contact, then they went no contact with me for 10 years. Psychologists all told me I could never have a relationship of any kind with my mother. I understood what they were saying, but learning to love myself, and heal from many trauma's, and I had gone to university to become a psychologist, I came to the decision that I deserved my mother. It wasn't about her. I loved her, because love is unconditional and it's my nature. My children loved her and they deserved a grandma. Their fathers and other grandparents had passed away young. I've seen my mother as a 5 year old since I was very young. When men are around, she hides behind me like a child would with their mother. I'm not willing to be her mother or be crucified by her. like my ego, I let them be in the spot light, and imagine myself in the audience, entertained by their performance and try to accept them, never threaten to delete them. I know she'll never be happy, but that's ok. I am. As she's entered old age she has changed in that she doesn't remember things, she can't do a lot anymore, she needs help and knows that she can't get the help she needs with bad behavior. As a family with many siblings we have been a support to each other, seeing how she has always tried to divide us, we have all helped each other maintain our good relationships with each other. None of us want to destroy our mother. We wish we could help her choose loving behavior, optimism, and believe that we accept her as she is. We all know she isnt capable of love. Most of the time her and I get along very well. Less and less, does she try to start arguments, but she still does the flying monkeys all the time. I just don't let her know who my friends are and chose to not get close to her friends. So I just wanted to say that I have never wanted to destroy my mother... I have wanted to get back at her or hurt her back or get some kind of justice, but I know that's not for me. I surrender that to the laws of the universe and let it go. And carry on enjoying my life seeing how I had many mothers in school teachers, a grandmother, pychologists, myself and one biological. I honor them all.

[@alexandrachapman5134]

Congratulations on becoming and remaining free, despite external pressure. ❤

[@alexandrachapman5134]

​@jodsterf I feel similarly to you about my mother. I wish I had more people around who were able and willing to support us in the way you and your siblings do.

[@iRockwthMJ]

"The narcissist's speech act...It's invisible to all other people, and when you try to communicate this to others, family members, friends, your THERAPIST, your lawyer, they think something is wrong with YOU". YES!! And, you try to explain for years! It is devastatingly painful. You are seeking help, but no one can see anything wrong, let alone help. You are basically a hamster running to get help on an exercise wheel that the narcissist seems to own. You get no relief for months, years, or decades. Then, you realize you have been describing narcissistic behavior perfectly and screaming from the rafters for help, but to people who can't help you at all. It's a living nightmare.

[@dontbeadogsbody3564]

Attorneys are the worst. They don’t want to know. It gets in the way of them making the most of these cases. It’s just another opportunity for them to prolong hell and collect more money. And I wonder how many attorneys are in fact narcs themselves. My hopefully very soon to be ex narc husband of several decades, has worked for law firms for the last 15 years and he has been a shittier person with each year. And of course he’s gone higher and higher on the ladder in the pay scale at the same time. So he’s been even more of a dick. he’s learning all the tricks about how to screw me over, using the legal system, and is still trying to steal from, so I’m destroyed and penniless when he’s finally gone.

[@dontbeadogsbody3564]

Now that I’m divorcing him, all my friends and family are telling me that they never liked him from the get-go, only now providing specific examples. Not one of them told me this. Over the years, they have noticed my horrible treatment, and no one has said anything.

[@levo75]

​@@dontbeadogsbody3564my sister informed me perfectly and I still fell for it all. Don't blame them, they don't know either.

[@unagiikura]

He goes deep. Describes the stuff you cant describe cuz its so......unreal. He makes the unreal objectively real and explains the craziness that turned down the gaslight- he turns up the light and shows you that crazy shit- you weren't imagining it -it really was imaginary😂

[@korruptlet]

this 💯💯💯

[@irinakushnir8338]

With a narcissist even if he's sincere you can never trust

[@jerriewhitfield9991]

He may appear sincere but that’s not possible with a narcissist.

[@jacquelinepianto5087]

This is by FAR the most eye opening message Ive EVER heard. I needed this. Is it by chance I just prayed for clarification & by chance I come accross this?

[@crtuakoi]

I didn't directly pray but after a bout with my narcc this video came up with EXACTLY what had just transpired. I believe It was from God. ❤

[@chellyvisions]

When the student is ready... the teacher appears 😂✌🏻

[@isaacape6964]

There are no coincidences my friend

[@doranvee5944]

After mask was off and i was in the trash, i asked about all the times she said "I love you." She said "love" can mean many things.

[@Justeet]

Cruel

[@rebeccastoops]

I thought I knew most of why my narc acts the way he does, but my eyes have been opened to so much more! This brokenness goes deep!

[@melindamorrow6102]

It is truly incredible Dr. Vaknin - your ability to provide such immense clarity in an otherwise murky and desolate existence! Thank you.

[@lindsaymarie700]

Thank you so much for keeping me accountable for my own actions in a relationship with a narcissistic. It gives me real power to not just play the victim in a situation like this. To live in reality and be responsible for my part in taking care of myself and not making excuses for people hurting me. We have to recognize our own toxic traits to heal and to learn how to have healthy relationships.

[@3aminhubcity]

The amount of truth in this lecture brings me so much peace. And sadness. i cannot tell you how many times I’ve questioned my sanity. i hate lingering around this topic, but i always have to know. I need to know what kind of train hit me, why did it find my path, how did it find me, when did it start and i failed to notice, where did it come from. why was the ride exhilarating to begin with? Where can i go to put me back together after the wreckage? Alas Sam is the key!

[@pqt112]

He said: "You like hurting people sometimes, don't you?" after berating me for half an hour in a restaurant.

[@Alice77550]

They love to humiliate you in public, restaurants are a favourite!

[@almiratutnilovic7973]

For 2 years, I cried because I understood that man I love never existed. After that, I just wanted to understand why - why destroy me as a person. Suck all my confidence and crush everything I was . I couldn't understand as I loved him unconditionally, trusted him unconditionally, and was ready to destruction for him. When I saw that he needed me broken so he could live in some fantasy of good, honourable man. When he degraded me to the point where I thought I could kill person, I run for my life. Now, 3 years later, I am still trying to understand what demage he has written into my person. I know I started being aggressive, I never had been. Trying to stop measuring every sentence in dialogue with people through the lens of degradation or manipulation. I never wanted any wengence I wanted to be able to forgive him everything as I knew I can't move on with my life as I was stuck in circles of repeating stories of how he treated me and how I don't understand why. I had so much poison in me, and I couldn't live with it any longer. So, I forced myself into forgiveness, and every day, like mantra - forgive, forgive. He is back now trying to lure me back in. And now I know I need help, professional advice. I don't want to hurt him , it's not because of him but for peace of my own soul. But I need advice on how to not answer hundreds of messages that start with undying love and progress to accusing me of sleeping with someone, attacking with most terrible expletives. It's a nightmare. I just managed to rebuild my life from under zero, as when I left him, I practically ran out without even wallet or shoes. He threw all my possessions into garbage. I went to hell and crawled back, and I couldn't let him back in. Please, if anyone has any suggestions, how not to let him back in. He wants a friend. Manipulating me again, I know, but before we married, we were in civil war in Bosnia, and he uses that avenue, too. What is narcissists who went through unimaginable horror in war and never addressed trauma. Neither did I. There's so much, and I am lost.

[@PeggyHarperLee]

No contact is a must. Block him. Delete his number. If you respond at all the narcissistic dance is on and he will go back to destroying you. You deserve to heal and learn boundaries and what healthy relationships look like. Until that happens, surround yourself with good people you can trust and stay out of romantic relationships. You will heal and grow only if you remove him from your life. Hugs and best wishes.

[@dontbeadogsbody3564]

No contact. It’s your only salvation.

[@almiratutnilovic7973]

Thank you very much. It's difficult but I am maintaining " no contact". I can't believe the manipulation behind everything he writes. For my peace, I don't read at all. I think I didn't say that we were married for 14y. At least now I don't wonder any more what happened. How did love turn out to be the single greatest disaster in my life? I wish only I had known about narcissistic behaviour earlier but I am happy that I left as I don't believe I would be alive today if I didn't.

[@alisonmercer5946]

​@@almiratutnilovic7973oh good thanks for the update lol. I was like noooo dont feel bad for , or do but don't ever talk to him again , was hoping u didn't not let him back. Whew. Good to hear you went and stayed no contact. Good for you. You know there is nothing good can ever happen with a person like that always remember it's pointless you'll only get hurt

[@elisevialette5306]

Try and write down all the horrible crisis you went through and why you felt you had yo leave him for your own safety, mental health or life. And whenever you think you might weaken, just read it again. Just not to lose touch with reality.

[@milkphish4122]

This video is a masterpiece. Prof. Sam Vaknin goes deeper than anyone else in explaining the empty schizoid core of the narcissist. This is, perhaps, his best - if not his most important work. He has described accurately and precisely my own experience with a narcissist. Things that I have been trying to understand and process for years, he eloquently explains and details effortlessly. It is truly remarkable. And, the best part is that he does it intelligently and with a dose of humor. I really mean everything I have written here. Maybe. 😂 Thank you, Sam. You are brilliant. 🙏

[@samvaknin]

Vaknin.

[@milkphish4122]

@@samvaknin My apologies. It was a typo.

[@Blessedone620]

Sam is stating nothing but 💯 facts about these people. For some reason I was convinced that I was a narcissist and that’s how I came about these videos, as I watched I realize he was projecting. I’ve got clarity. Thank you Sam

[@birdiebear1394]

Professor Vankin, AWAKENING indeed. Thank you !

[@shannathomas5584]

Thank you so much, I’m learning and healing from the worst thing that has ever happened to me starting with my mother

[@gloriaknott7448]

It is the worst and hardest thing to deal with. It wasn’t my mother. My mother was codependent. This abuse started at the age of 13 from the boy next door. The push pull hot cold relationship started this young with me. Eventually married at 18 and was abused until he passed away at 46. Sam said if the narc doesn’t want you gone you will NEVER get away. This was what happened. I tried over and over to get away. There were years I was able to keep him at bay but eventually would get drawn right back into the relationship and the abuse. It took death to finally become free. I’m 60 years old now and just coming across this information and am in psychotherapy dealing g with complex trauma.

[@dontbeadogsbody3564]

SAME.😢

[@LocaButt]

The worst thing that has happened to you is the worst thing thats happened to you. Youre still here.

[@elizabethtaylor1288]

I appreciate your honesty and insights. I have done a great deal of reflection and healing my childhood and adult "wounds". In listening I realized I was a victim of a narcissist. Actually, I am a survivor of a narcissist. Thank you Professor Vaknin

[@crtuakoi]

Hello from Australia! This information so far is all so true. You really explain and articulate my experience so well it's so validating.

[@helenteichroeb9610]

This information has been so freeing for me!! I relate to everything he said, but I am not a victim. I am now free of the narcissist but I see the role I played! He chose me for the same reason I chose him-to continue the role set up for me in my family dynamic. As I see that, I am now even set free from being the victim of that role! I now have a decent relationship with my mother too, that I never had before. I am no longer triggered, as far as I can tell, but I would never want to get haughty about that, as we are all fickle to a degree, ha ha.

[@sohara....]

That's amazing. *Good to hear the success stories!* 😊

[@kammellioo]

Im a victim of Narc abuse. I am in pain because of what i experienced. Yes i was a perfect partner, i did my duties to the best of my abilities that benefitted both of us. I feel injustice because i didnt deceive or intend to deceive my partner but she did this to me. In the real world i would be right to want vindication. I dont want to harm my ex narc of 10 years and the mother of my children, however i do hope that i find peace in my own life battles and i hope she does in her battles as well.

[@auaticamazon]

I am ….

[@bucksaw1]

I have only recently discovered the truth about my wife- the mother of my children and the person who was supposed to be my "soul mate" for the last 20 years. I had no idea about all of her secret lives until after she pulled "final discard" on me after I was diagnosed with Parkinsons. I had known she had trauma and abandonment issues- she was abandoned at birth, adopted as the 3rd adopted child by a couple who tried, but the father was a workaholic who didn't discuss emotions and the mother was a manic depressive who once slit her wrists when my wife was a child. She survived but to "alleviate stress" my wife was sent to live with relatives so the mother could have less stress. She was then kicked out of the house and sent to boarding schools for her teenaged years for normal teen ages acting out. Then sent to an adolescent rehab for Marijuana and alcohol- something all her classmates were doing but were never sent away for when caught. My question is this: For the first 10 years we were together she exhibited more Borderline-like behavior. Then I fell 3 stories at work almost dying , and she seemed only then to begin NpD like behavior. She is most definitely covert NPD now- and getting markedly worse in her 50s. Can Borderline's transform into Covert Narcs?

[@claudi_knits]

Totally agree with the self styled experts/victims ..they seem more narcissistic than the narcissist in many cases. I was victimized also, but you have to own your shit! If I didnt love the shared fantasy and was myself totally deluded, I never would have been a so called victim. Yes, it takes two to tango, and I feel grateful to see into my own delusions and stop blaming others for where I ended up. Healing is taking responsibility for your own inner mess. ❤

[@unagiikura]

NICE❤

[@JH-td4mn]

Agree, you have to have a hard look at yourself after experiencing Narcissistic Abuse. Yes we were blindsided and taken advantage of, but if we'd been more aware, had boundaries and dropped the people pleasing tendencies, we'd never have got so burnt. The healing comes from understanding the Narcissist and understanding your own flaws and why they have persisted from your childhood. We don't beat ourselves up but accept our role in it and work out how we need to change so that it never happens again. It's an immense opportunity for personal growth, once we get out of the fog and the nightmare.

[@patriciamoore51]

I agree totally. So many are leading groups.

[@juliecarter2048]

A life unexamined is not worth living yes !

[@mindyjones333]

Absolutely agree!

[@nicoleschmidt6226]

I love the way you say love bomb-bing. Your accent is perfect!

[@hlengiwemathe7376]

I always felt like it's my fault because I was always driven crazy by all these hateful messages/ provocations/patronizing comments...Thanks Prof.

[@mikelockhart5528]

It is so satisfying to hear Professor Vaknin explain the previously unexplainable. The frustration and anger that you feel when dealing with, and trying to make sense of narcissistic personality disordered people is definitely enough to make you feel crazy. Then, when you find out that all along, it was just one big endless charade, and to have someone be able to explain the words that you never could, in clinical terms….priceless!!!!! Thank you Sam Vaknin- you have provided the antidote to vampires in my opinion.

[@johnpatzold8675]

My ex-wife used to always say to me "I am a good woman, a good catch, I never lie." For years I was manipulated by this. Then my father who couldn't beleive I couldn't see the truth hired a private investigator and showed me the evidence of all her cheating. She wasn't a good woman. Tried to make children think I was crazy by suspecting her of cheating, until my dad intervened - knowing I was silly, stupid co-denpenent - and burned her with evidence. Now my kids know. Sadly she could have avoided this embarassment. No-one wishes to think of their mother as a loose woman, but that's in fact what she was. Several different partners. :(

[@GuinnessPhish]

Just curious....was this admissable during divorce proceedings? If so, was that why she lost custody?

[@kellimeer3698]

I don't think she could have avoided this. According to Sam, it's just who she is, and ever shall be.

[@johnpatzold8675]

@@kellimeer3698 Yes, but isn't that a shame. I can't quite wrap my head around the notion that a person "always remains what they are" as that sounds more like a program than a flesh and blood human being with free will. I would like to think one day she will apologize or say she was wrong or messed up when she is old and can no longer depend on her looks and manipulation to get what she temporarily wants.

[@johnpatzold8675]

@@GuinnessPhish My kids were of age so as teenagers they decided to stay with me after she moved in with her latest boyfriend She fought like to hell to avoid my kicking her out of the house, and tried to deflect all the blame upon me, esentially that I deserved to be cheated on. Even my step daughter, who I raised from a child (her dad later committed suicide) opted to stay with me. The entire marriage experiment with her was a very sad state of affairs. I did truly love her, but I will never talk to her again. I have stuck by my step daughter, however, and am now putting her through college. I'm sure my ex narc wife laughs at me, as she did in some of the recordings the PI got.

[@unagiikura]

Honest people never say that...honest people also know they'd be lying if they said that Because, in spite of their desire to be totally honest, they are also good. And there is a lie lesser of evil- the so-called white lie of omission. Do you like my new dress? (No its awful- what's the most honest next thing I can say) I love that shade of blue on the cuffs! An honest person strives for honesty, so they'd never be convinced enough to say that....particularly to somebody they are about to lie to😂

[@siuribus4795]

This lecture is very rich. It both requires and merits being listened to repeatedly in order for the lessons within to be fully understood and consolidated. So much material to reflect on. Thank you Prof. Vaknin.

[@MADHATTER-j4i]

Prof. Vaknin. A year ago I started searching for information on Narcissism. Watched your video on "Alcohol+ Covert Narcissist"! Your video was exactly what I was looking for and you explained my wife's behavior perfectly when she used alcohol. My wife says that is her "sister" when describing herself while drinking. I consider it the other way around. When she is drinking I see more of the real person. As I watched more and more of your videos I gained more information, a greater understanding of both my wife and myself. Very much enjoy how you teach!

[@sandyolson267]

Hugging you today and everyday.

[@dontbeadogsbody3564]

SAME. Husband is alcoholic so that he can be his true self evenings and weekends, after faking during the work week.

[@maximum360]

Same. Only after alcohol was my wife ever open to sex. It also helped her to temporarily suppress her baseline worry, anxiety, and abrasiveness. It was almost like a temporary transition to an overt narcissistic state.

[@JeremiahLOsborne]

It's so funny that you're talking about passive aggressive gaslighting. That is exactly what I'm dealing with right now with my parents. In fact, this is what I got, yesterday, via text. "I love you *name*. I feel very sad that you are not well. I understand what you have been through is very difficult and hard to get past. The only expectation is to be healthy and happy. If your seeking professional advice that's the first step. Self care is important. I love you ❤️ " Yes. That is heart emoji at the end. What I have been through is the neglect that I've been calling her out on. She absolutely refuses to take accountability, and she has her flying monkeys that tell me I need to just forgive her and pretend like it never happened. I doubt they even believe that I went through what I went through. She's been making me out to be the crazy one for years.

[@selenajwallace294]

My adult daughter is my narcissist. I have at times had suicidal thoughts with the level of vehemence she throws my way. My daughter has suffered from mental health (anxiety, depression and more recently. Narcissism. I see her as both a violent monster and a tragic woman. Her father is a narcissist and abandoned his 3 children and me at ages 12 my daughter; 10 an 2yo my two sons. My daughter has become narcissistic, my eldest son is addicted to drugs, my youngest son has abandoned his family of origin, taking with him my grandchildren...the greatest joy in my life. Just discovered your videos and they are so enlightening. Blessings and thankyou for sharing your knowledge😢❤

[@khanaliqasim1757]

May you live a happy life and reconcile with your daughter

[@EldoradoInnovation]

It’s easy to understand why victims of narcissists want revenge and it’s not because they are monsters just like the narcissist

[@just_meg]

This content is pure gold. Spot on. I was with one for 15 years and this really helps to validate the abuse for me.

[@willemkoppier4540]

I believe you are absolutely right about the victim community professor. I survived what I believe a female covert and am absolutely sure, a female malignent narcissist. All I had was facebook and I must say, I just want peace and quiet in my life. Some people on there about narcissim really gave me a bad feeling. Made me think they werent real. Removed facebook, peace is all I wish for

[@mlou7432]

As a victim, all I wanted was to break free. To be free from the yelling and berating, the accusations, the put downs, the lectures and at times, the betrayal and physical abuse as well. To be free from the exasperating behaviors. I would still be there if it weren’t for videos like this, that alerted me to what it is, how it was destroying me and causing me pain & sickness, & causing me to withdraw and isolate myself to a point which was unhealthy. I, now, only communicate via a lawyer after 35 years together.

[@AprilJAtwood]

I'm of that small slice. I've wondered sometimes If I'm actually the narcissist in this dance I'm in. But you cant dance without a partner. It always takes two, and I am absolutely aware o my place in perpetuating my situation. But it consumes me to know why I simply can't understand how someone can't feel what someone else is going through. Or worse, enjoy the misery they cause. But my obsession leads me down some eye opening pathways. There are a few good youtubers that I've learned things from but your truths are much more straightforward, and without malice toward either side. I've found that a lot of the folks I've listened to have a stake in the matter, and I don't fault them at all. But your way of not skirting around the truth to spare feelings is sometimes how it needs to be heard. I still don't know what I'm going to do about it, but I appreciate you very much.

[@dontbeadogsbody3564]

You aren’t a narcissist. It sounds like what you’re doing is being triggered so that you have reactive, anger, so that the narc can use this as their evidence that you have an anger problem. The dick I’m divorcing, his only complaint, and only recently, has been my anger. He has not once apologized for multiple ongoing decades, long transgressions. Ever. It’s normal to be angry after you have been fucked over and gaslight. Do not buy the bullshit. You just need to heal. The only person who has ever infuriated me this much has been my narcissistic mother for the first 20 years of my life and then my dickhead narcissistic husband for 27 years. There’s a reason I’m only angry with them. in fact, when he finally admitted after being in treatment, two weeks that he’d been getting hand jobs for a year and a half, without even taking a breath, he matter-of-factly said that when he got out of treatment, we would have some repair work to do as a couple.80% of my anger instantly dissolved because finally my world made sense. I very matter-of-factly told him I would not be joining him at Family week and I would no longer be accepting his calls and would be notifying his therapist of this.

[@lizedbf7334]

The narcissist is absence; he doesn't exist. You, the victim, are a snapshot so you also don't exist. That is so powerful

[@MMS-hr1nz]

HAHAHA Dr Vaknin has to explain to idiots his thick accent! (38:50) I still love my ex-narc, no matter what anyone thinks or says, thanks to you Dr Vaknin I am able to understand him to the bone. Thanks to you, I am able to continue loving him even though we cannot be in each other's lives. Thank you for helping me understand and live on without feeling hate for him.

[@jeffvaljean6030]

Sam has his finger on the pulse. I've dealt with narcissists, and they all have a way of putting things and looking back i get the hidden messages

[@wf5674]

Thank you so much Dr. Vaknin for this very informative video.

[@angelika87]

im in no NPD victim group for this reason. i just want to be left alone and learn from my mistakes. im no angel (though i was a child, i couldve still found a way to leave when i hit 20). my goal is to undo what i was taught in my upbringing so i don't bring in these sorts of people in my life again. my journey is one of self-discovery not martyrdom.

[@darbydrummer1972]

Probably one of the best one yet . Thanks sam

[@deevinely2027]

I've learnt more about my ex-fiance in this video than I did in 10 years😢😢😢I always felt like he was a chameleon,changing character to match with whoever he was with. I always called him evil or demonic because I didn't understand what was wrong with him."They are a law unto themselves" explains him perfectly 😢

[@4coolclips]

...just started watching but already 'omg!!'. I noticed this in myself too......instead of being drawn to healthy/balanced peeps, we (the mother/healer), are hard wired to respond to the pain & suffering inside another's soul!!! Those feelings are hard to identify & categorize, but are a really powerful instinct!!

[@JavierMares]

This is the best content on youtube, on par with Warren Buffett's Berkshire Hathaway shareholder meetings. Nothing even comes close. I wish I had learned this stuff growing up.

[@marlowecastell3488]

This was excellent content and to the point. Sam covers all the bases beautifully. Had to listen twice for all the great content. U nailed it. Thank you for filling in the missing pieces.

[@Sci-d9c]

The videos supplied by this Professor are Profoundly informative and clear! I’m new to the subject! I’m exploring this subject because I was recently involved with a Narcissist and didn’t know it. He completely fooled me into believing that our relationship was real. I had an awakening by his sudden inconsistency with communication! When I realized that he was causing me to feel bad. I Blocked him. I feel freedom which is conformation that his energy was pulling me down and it went undetected by me until I Blocked him! I instantly felt very Light! I felt good. I feel like the entire relationship with him was a dream. I’m so elated that it never made it to full devaluation! The insight provided by the video will help me understand others should I come in contact with another Narcissist!#GRATEFUL!

[@Tsharetrainer]

I am so fortunate to have found your channel Professor. Thank you for answering your calling to help us.

[@gwendawnseto2284]

Thank you. This has helped many people it seems. Moving away from people that hurt you repeatedly and chronically is a good move. Narcissist people, there is no doubt, have caused tremendous heart ache. But should we bad mouth these people, because my understanding is they can’t totally help it, and there’s a genetic component. Maybe we should forgive and move on. I hope i have not hurt anyone saying this. I truly mean well ❤

[@11chancer]

Yes, why are they like that, why do they really feel the need to control... Everything. How were they treated as a child. Too much praise? Or too many put downs and feeling unworthy.

[@piaschmitz-rosellen7716]

I like people who tell the truth.

[@mitzipitcock5789]

I am more angry at myself for staying as long as I have because I recognized him early on. I was just naive enough that he could be helped. We don't blame snakes for being snakes. I blame me for thinking the snake would make an exception with me since I didn't throw him away like everyone else in his life. Just pray I make it out soon enough and after that I couldn’t care less about revenge. The only revenge needed is I get my life back and he still has to be him.

[@sadrisoltani6679]

Man I've been watching your video's for years and i learned so much from you... i appreciate your genius and knowledge that you share with kindness

[@TirapornOlsen]

The best video ever, Dr Sam Vaknin! I lived this for a few decades and I wished I had this video much earlier. I have stopped watching other channels because I relate to your videos the most. Thank you for providing these videos.

[@roxd8885]

I am HERE for the extra vocabulary. Just becoming acquainted with you, Professor, but I am soaking up all the new knowledge:) Extricating is imminent, restoring myself is ongoing and I for the most part have been rather immune to the manipulations and (while angry and befuddled at his distorted reality at first, I was amused more recently) meanwhile I didnt understand the nature of the BEAST I am married to. I feel forearmed! Thank you !! Good luck everyone on you journey back to yourselves.

[@JJ-rp2df]

Another valuable gift to humanity, thanks Sam.

[@dragonfly2117]

After six years of self study of psychology, I became almost a teacher not a therapist. But the last 2 1/2 year on NPD BPD lexicon. And I am glad that you brought on 35-37 min about npd victims that does not want to work on themselves, soul searching, studying psychology will bring you if you seriously engage on a self healing path enlightenment childhood trauma etc… first you can avoid the path of attracting those energies

[@RiavanVogelpoel-sq8jg]

I am only a human. Many times say. Also they say many times in context of future faking: we are going to do this, we are doing this...i am in a court procedure at present to annul the marriage with my narc. After 8 years of marriage I suffered gigantic financial losses. I am thinking repeatingly how I could let this happen. The court is going to ask this too. Many things I let it happen. I am discarded and thrown on the streets without leaving any address behind and blocking me already one year. Really a horror story.

[@RiavanVogelpoel-sq8jg]

Yes, but this narc was very bad and most people cannot see it as Sam said always. I was intoxinated in this horror marriage...

[@tunkytunky]

"I am only human" as if we saw them as superhuman 😂😂😂 Mine said that to me and I had enough, called him subhuman and no better than a talking iguana... he never said that phrase again!

[@lorrainemead2292]

Sam I thank you from the bottom of my heart xxx

[@priest9325]

Prof. Vaknin is The Reference for anything related to NPD. Chapeau!

[@letthemjustletthem]

Gosh I love you! Keep giving us the truth. I CAN HANDLE IT!!

[@Torriotorres]

"Maybe", I clocked that! You demonstrated a point there.

[@breemorrison901]

Sam, you become smarter and better looking with each video I watch. 😉

[@samvaknin]

Better looking, sure. But I couldn’t possibly get smarter! 😂

[@cathywild1606]

@@samvaknin 😁

[@pat_rick01]

Real truth tellers love you Sam.

[@leeanneedghill4016]

This is incredibly enlightening. I’m so grateful for the service Prof Sam in providing ! I have search out much help in healing, my heartbreak and confusion only to find out that I have been on a role with narcissist. fortunately with very little contact to no contact I have escaped the cruel grasp and although I feel very sorry for them, and I have compassion for someone that has to go through life. I cannot lash out or be vengeful I have to walk away. Believe me, walking away is terrifying It comes out a great cost to m me losing some of my family and my step kids. I’ve taken responsibility for my empathic nature for projecting my good heart Onto a partner, thinking that they were just like me. I’m in the process of creating my new personal reality by changing my personality. I am grateful for Prof. V intelligent, humorous and life-saving information. Thank you !

[@lizedbf7334]

I have been parentified by my covert narcissistic mother, bullied into total obedience by my grandiose narcissist father. I left this family at age 14. I had a marriage of 15 years with a covert narcissist. For me their behaviour and the way they manipulate is very accurately described by Sam. He doesn't try to explain the victim but he talks about the mind of the narcissist. For me that's much better in my healing process

[@AMaryAnnQueen]

Absolutely fascinating wisdom being shared here. Thank you Professor Vaknin. I am saving it to replay several times. I don't want to miss anything. ❤

[@jeannfav2921]

❤❤❤ You're fabulous Professor Vaknin. Excellent informative video 🎉

[@Raeangel2]

This sounds like my mother and my ex. Jeez. It’s taken me 50 years… to see my patterning. With my ex I was totally codependent in our shared need for fantasy.. you see what you want to see until the behaviour gets so toxic it’s unbearable. He was a pathological liar, drug and sex addict.. but also very kind and childlike.. it was so confusing. I’ve learnt so much about my role in the behaviour.. now just to accept my ageing narc mother.. it’s helped that every time I see or speak to her - I think of her as a mentally ill child. Her energy is so heavy.. hard to be around.. my guilt in putting up boundaries is getting better. Thx to a lot of study and help from people like this.. Comedy moments from my mum.. she writes poems!! And they are so terrible- full of why me, woe is me, and you are awful. One of them is about my brother and I and the opening line is ‘I’m 76 and do I count for nothing’ .. we just laugh now.. as it’s the only way to cope..

[@aellaaskew4263]

Wow that little clip about what victims online want😮 geez I must say that has to be the extreme because all victims don't reach such hatred

[@VictoriaNakaraKizer]

Love your work, but I simply wanted to know why I kept falling prey, and attracting narcissists. I accept full responsibility. I don’t ever want to be a victim.

[@mrgordy1980]

You’re probably too kind, too empathetic, too nice and too decent of a person. And they can spot you a mile sweetheart. But now you’re wise and listening to these videos, you’re empowered.

[@marciestoddard730]

Mother wound it seems

[@VictoriaNakaraKizer]

@@marciestoddard730 Yes, they have all had issues with their mothers.

[@marciestoddard730]

@@VictoriaNakaraKizer I always seemed to even find the ones who had deceased mothers, usually dying in some tragic way when the guy was young. It is actually kinda creepy the level at which we attract from a place of woundedness. Until we look at our own mother wound (which I apparently was denial of until recently), we can't see the unconscious drive to recreate abandonment and wounding through another person.

[@marciestoddard730]

And yea accept responsibility and place healthy blame at who set you up through their modeling behavior at home, to allow abuse and self-betrayal! Get angry and tell yourself the truth but don't stay too long in self blame. I liked "it didn't start with me"....helped me at least to dive into a long line of women appeasing controlling men and fawning/clinging to family dysfunction.

[@cameronlabone6050]

Thank you for your communication style it helps me a lot to learn the help that you teach

[@hlengiwemathe7376]

Hey guys... I've been staying and abused by a narcissist for more than 30 yrs...and now we are desperated...I'm at healing phase and I'm listing to Prof's videos trying to understand why was my husband treating us like that... I really appreciate this info. and it's so liberating to understand that it's not my fault.... But now the more I understand this 'sickness' I feel sad for these people/Narcs. because of those traumas they went through to shape them like that... my husband sometimes cry like a little boy for a moment n the next moment changes to be something else e.g. very clever/important person n then next moment changes n seem frightened or paranoid. Yooo I feel so sorry for him/them sometimes...

[@Canaday291]

This described the malignant narcissist I divorced who created a never ending nightmare of my life

[@caobranch]

Me too. It's exhausting just trying to survive. Living in poverty in a domestic violence shelter. I am bitter. But I married him. Which seemed perfectly normal, after being raised by narc parents.

[@andreamcneilage5159]

I paused this video at 30 minutes to write this comment. Good on you, Sam, for calling out people who troll on the internet, spouting & demonising, that narcissist’s are evil, seek out "flying monkey's, "minions". I acknowledge that some of these people have been victims of narcissistic abuse, but this does not excuse pigeon holing narcissists. Your videos have been paramount in helping me understand narcissistic abuse - and lead me into a compassionate space. I have been in a 13 year relationship with my partner with 5 intervention orders from physical violence, ongoing emotionally & psychological torment. I describe him to myself that he really is a great, kind man who makes poor decisions. He doesn't understand himself, nor wants to seek self insight or personal development, which would be excruciating for him, and risk his identity of self, his compensatory construct/ protective shield, to collapse. I am a psych trained registered nurse. But enough is enough. I wrote a research paper on "Self Determinate Theory in relation to NPD and how narcissist’s rely on extrinsic validation, as opposed to neurotypicals who derive a sense of self primarily from intrinsically derived satisfaction/sources. Citing "Deci and Ryan 2017) published "Self determination theory: Basic Psychological Needs in Motivation, Development and Wellness" Also, in relation to hedonistic or eudemonic, states of motivation. Seligman and Csikszentmihayli, 2000. Both explain the co-dependant state of narcissism. It helped me to help myself, to being compassionate towards him. It is time for me to give up, my tolerance, and the capacity for empathy exhausted. Thank you Sam, I have been following you for years.

[@LastTrumpRevelation]

Thank God for you describing it and support of victims. Your knowledge brings closure.

[@Frostedmini-g6z]

I find your knowledge extremely useful and interesting Love your work. p.s. nice shirt too!

[@artyshock1520]

happy new year guruji =)

[@susanperes7549]

My ex narc husband recently got new license plates for his car that say “I am I.” I thought this was bizarre and told him so. Now I get it. Grandiosity.

[@sludgerat444]

I am I seems pretty ambiguous to me. What about it says grandiosity?

[@caobranch]

Hahahahahahah😅😂

[@breathinggreen2790]

It says to me that he must be accepted for who he is but would never give that acceptance to another. I am I but how dare you be you.

[@dontbeadogsbody3564]

All these people who don’t get it are just maddening. And I wish they would go away. Could there be one place we can talk about these horrible demons without being preached to by people who are either intentionally obtuse like my malignant, narcissistic mother-in-law, or want to blame the victim?

[@josegonsales4110]

❤ this video gives me chills

[@LouiseEaton-we3bp]

Thank you Sam your information is so very insightful I like the way you said you have work to do get on with it and yes there are plenty of victim feeding sites no longer watching them good advice

[@conniesagredo5316]

You are amazing you taught me so much tonight

[@Dailyprophet777]

Your tongue handles those rs very well Sam 😊

[@lindamakin3463]

It's checkmate, with a "Chameleon" before realising being unprepared to playing a game 30 of," chess ," orchestrated and premeditated. and mostly, many moves behindI. Irving Goffmans' "book Life is a game played on a stage", and studies about Pavlovs dogs still endure as pathways o higher resilience. Your video was, inspiring and entertaining😅 Thankyou for sharing your knowledge 😊

[@annakozowska8470]

Dear Proffesor, I’ve got a question: “Why doesn’t this process end, when a narcissist devaluated me and thrown me out of his life?” Isn’t a goal which he wanted to achieve ? Separation from his mother? Why isn’t enough? He liked me I suppose ( in some way), then he devalued me, abandoned me because I wasn’t what I was expected, and isn’t enough for him? Why is this repetition compulsion with another victim? I’ve learned that when you met your trauma, stay with it, feel suffering, stay with your inner child - it couses healing. Doesn’t it work, because a narcissist can’t see his own inner child? That is why it doesn’t work? What would had happen when he could see his inner child? Hug him ? Be with him? Be the best mother for him against seeking “external mother “ ? Isn’t it possible? Best greetings and thank you for your work.

[@samvaknin]

Watch the shared fantasy playlist.

[@annakozowska8470]

Oh, thank you, I’ve just watched this video. Yes, now I think I understand more about how it works. This seems neverending. It’s so sad… It must be so hard trying to be perfect in imperfect world. Is there any hope for narcissists? I will watch your videos, maybe I’ll find the answer. Thank you and good night.

[@yootoob1001001]

34:11 and thereafter = thank you for bringing this forward. It is very true.

[@sarahodom7091]

When I started dating again I realized men now are looking for a mother. Even if they have money, they try to mooch off women. I get it now - it's the narcs who are looking for a mommy.

[@lindaclark568]

It makes me laugh, the way you start your video, but it's because I feel it.

[@EWSFoTo]

In percentage terms, I wonder how many mentally balanced people are currently acting on earth? If we consider all the personality disorders, severe to moderate, when we know that these people with narcissistic disorders often occupy positions of power and decision-making, can we hope that the world go's well? Very interesting Prof. You know what you're talking about. Thank you to share you're knowledge with us.

[@Cougelly1999]

At 30:15, I can read that the majority of victims want to understand and relate their common experiences. My professor said, "The opposite of love is indifference".

[@therelaxationstation4440]

I don't think I was blameless. I was naive and blind to all the things that were going on. I was insecure and easy to manipulate. I am more mad at myself than him for being such an easy target. I did things that I shouldn't have done to gain some kind of power over my life that in turn left me more powerless. When I look back and compare my memories with facts I'm just flabbergasted. I feel bad for the contributions I made to the toxicity of the relationship. I don't want to torture him or destroy him I just want to be heard at this point and that's where he still gets his power. I wish I would have known what a narcissist was when I met him, because the love bombing started from day 1 and I was just so insecure I didn't want to see that that was not ok.

[@sherrymurphy855]

This is all quite enlightening - there are, unbelievably, some survivors who truly had no way of understanding or relating to anyone with the need to hurt good people - naive people - those who are made up of empathy - love - light - trust, etc. Those who cannot fathom the notion of psychologically or otherwise destroying a good life. This, I've come to refer to as the "Selena Syndrome" - people who have no idea that others exist who will set out to do them harm. It appears that narcissism is a topic without end - there are so many labels, however, in my humble opinion, @ the end of the day, IT is a choice to be wicked - to be evil - to intentionally set out to destroy goodness. Even the psychopath knows that the evil they commit is, in fact, evil. Good VS Evil - a timeless, endless fight that we are all a part of. My most fervent wish is for peace and forgiveness... not always an easy task. Timshel.

[@ru.m.6119]

All Mr. Sam V has said, "I have experienced." It's never a yes or a no, never. Vague 100%, he also told me he feels safe with me and that I accept him how he is. He is aware he is a narc, but he always blames me. He said it is my fault I opened his eyes, that he was innocent to the world and people that I made him how he is. Me -> 🤨

[@kristen9827]

So so typical… it’s a life of riddles and rabbit holes. It’s exhausting. They exhaust you on purpose- to “let it go”or to get what they want. It’s everywhere. It’s disturbing.

[@hierismathijsbeijer2565]

Praise this being!