Narcissistic Abuse Checklist: 100 Tips for Survival and Healing

[@markhenry514]

The way the professor describes it is almost scary. I'm usually good at reading people and spotting narcissists-until I met a covert narcissist. I got played like a child. I started worrying about her more than anyone, even my son and myself. I had to regulate her depression and extreme insecurities. The professor makes valid points about the stories we tell ourselves. We end up playing along with the narcissist, but after some time-three months after the discard-it becomes easier to zoom out and see the bigger picture. The time after the discard was pure hell, but after a while, I started to sense what was really going on and planned my escape as she began her smear campaign. If you ever meet a covert narcissist, don't make the mistake of confronting them. No one will believe you anyway. Play their game with no reaction, followed by strict no-contact. I even moved to a different country.

[@mariaelenarodriguez6188]

Exactly what i did: played dead and started planning my escape. Took me years to realize what was going on. Pure evil.

[@donnawoodford8145]

I absolutely hate regulating someone else's emotions when that person is an adult. Sometimes I think covert "tears" are fake. I moved to another town/city. That person wanted to visit me, but there was no way I would give out my new address...I had to protect myself while building a new life.

[@iopakayalo3459]

After 15y and 4y of NO CONTACT, healing was easier plus understanding and educating self about Narcissism, helped my healing alot. Now living in another town and don't miss him/abuse. PEACE💚🕊️.

[@anyaanstoli]

I hear you loud and clear

[@anyaanstoli]

I’m being stalked with a hit on me and there’s a fraudulent million dollar life insurance policy on me. They are polyamorous in a closed quad polycule. They are gang stalking me around the world. Right now they’ve stalked me the equivalent of going all the way around the world. Pure evil personified and they try to pretend to be nice briefly. They had me unconscious and then have sec with me. They are also into bdsm and the females are collared slaves with unending contracts.

[@kayb947]

Thank you professor. 10 months no contact.

[@fraur.1482]

"An abuser is an abuser is an abuser is an abuser." RUN!Thx🙏👍🙂

[@themindafterdark7201]

Being a borderline who was discarded by a covert narcissist has been the most brutally destabilizing thing I've ever experienced. Sometimes the grief and pain was so deep and unreleting that it felt like I'd never recover. My mind was failing...sometimes I'd have out of body experiences in the middle of work, just suddenly, like I was a ghost controlling a machine. I'd write long deranged screeds in my journals just trying to make sense of everything and yet never getting any closer, only digging nyself deeper into psychosis and confusion. My health was deteriorating... my blood pressure became nearly stroke-leveks even though there is nothing physically wrong with me that would cause it. Just stress. Just my own mind. I thought I was going to die. I felt like my body was just going to kill me. It probably would have. There is nothing but death in ignominity at the end of this road. Finding this channel has really been the only thing that has helped me after years of this prolonged inewcapable grief. Because now I understand, and if I understand, then there are clear paths forward that will provide predictable results. Inside of me there is chaos, but I know with certainty that it seeks to organize...if only it can figure out how. For once I feel that it will.

[@kris_ty685]

@themindafterdark7201 I am a Borderline too...I almost drank myself to death after. I went into a horrible depression. I would dissociate at work all the time. I became numb while I was deep in thought. Like I would be off in another world trying to make sense of everything. I would get drunk and write crazy, unhinged posts on the fb of the "new supply" who was an old high school aquintence. She would post memes about me, publicly humiliating me to people I grew up with. The thing is, it eventually helped me understand the abuse I endured in childhood. My family used these tactics on me and scapegoated me as a child. I seek narcissistic men because I am trying to correct my childhood relationship with my parent. My mother and father were both malignant in their own way. My mom used lavish gifts and lived in a fantasy world of grandiosity. My father is stingy and creepy. He is closed off and incapable of love. What a horrible pair. Now I can spot it a mile away. As a matter of fact, as soon as my nervous system becomes disregulated around a person and I find myself obsessively longing for them sexually and romantically, I stand back and watch very closely. My dysregulation is my alarm system now. I am still isolating as of yet. But I know I need to get back out in the world. It's been 2 years to recover!!! I'm still afraid of others. Only now, I can see actually see the evil in humans and can finally use my discernment, not to get too close.

[@themindafterdark7201]

@@kris_ty685 Understanding your borderline tendencies inside and out is critical. Always remember that you're seeking an operator, a pilot to steer the complex machinery of your mind... practice applying the brakes and think critically about who you're giving the keys to... I tend to be quite angry and reactionary but the realization that this come from having pathologically externalized my control mechanisms has allowed me to take some of that control back. "Don't give this person the keys... find something else to regulate this feeling. Go do something to calm down." When your deeper motivations aren't a mystery to you anymore, it becomes easier to be mindful of them and make rational decisions. I think that's really the core of what has made this channel so healing to me. Like most borderlines I am a victim of child abuse. My mom and stepdad were both deeply mentally ill. I was the last of my mother's children, born very late in her life after she had endured a lifetime of her own abuse, and I was not wanted. She tried to give me up for adoption but backed out at the last minute. What followed, for me, was a lifetime of neglect and marginalization, not just from her but as a cascading affect from everyone. I was also gay and that further demolished any hope I had of connecting with the incredibly unwell people around me. My deepest dream was just to run away to a world of infinite happiness where I could be loved and disappear forever. It was almost a death fantasy in a way. I didn't want to exist because if I exist then no one can love me... I wanted to disintegate and go to heaven where I could be reuinted with the fundamental "something" that had been taken from me before I was old enough to understand it... Now, I think I was probably just daydreaming about finding people who could regulate me, ao that I could cope with this world I have found myself in. I met the narcissist who broke me during an extremely traumatic and tumultuous time in my life. I don't need to go into details here because it's not relevant. But life was incredibly unstable because of external circumstances I had very little control over. We became close friends immediately and he declared that we would be family. He reached straight in to that gaping wound left by my real family and said "I can fix this." I was doomed right then... plunged under the water of fantasies about connection, "chosen family", the future... I loved this person so much I would have died for them. If hed have shown even a modicum of loyalty and follow-through, he would have had someone by his side forever. I was hypnotized. I didn't want anyone else. In situations like this, you have to trust your gut though. If I'm being honest, I 200% knew I was being played. This person's inconsistencies and unreliability were obvious from the start, but it felt like my life depended on gaslighting myself into not seeing it. The dream was keeping me alive when I had nothing else. In the end, my life circumstances worsened, the narcissist had already found new supply and had begun phasing me out. In retrospect that seemed to be all he was waiting for--new people to jump ship to. The final discard came when I was at my most vulnerable, about to be homless because my family was dead, I was stuck in a city with no vehicle and a low paying job that made it difficult to find housing. I never asked him for anything... not help, not money, nothing. All I wanted was for him to stand behind me while I endured whatever I had to. My brother... my reason for even being alive. He turned on me quite suddenly one night and finalized the discard, and I was left to face everything alone. To say that it broke me is an understatement. I've been struggling to resolve this trauma for 2.5 years every day it feels like two steps forward, three steps back. I found housing and my life is stable now, but inside I am a violent storm of pain that won't die. it seems since I was born everyone has turned their back on me and left me to die, and I don't know how to cope... I'm completely alone in my life, just going mad in isolation. I try to get close to new people and then get so triggered I immediately shut them out. I push and pull, approach and avoid. It's like nowhere is safe. But I do have a little bit of hope... listening to SV's videos has quite a regulating affect, and the more I implemen his I advice the more I can feel my cognition and emotions changing... But it takes time for things to sink in and befome habitual. I think recovery from this kind of trauma is very possible, and that with the right approach you can come out of it even better than before. I've started to understand things about myself that I had no hope of ever understanding before this trauma. And I am grateful for that if nothing else.

[@kris_ty685]

@themindafterdark7201 wow that was a very enthralling read! I think I understand you on a very deep level. At the risk of sounding creepy, if you would ever like to talk, I'm willing to give you my email address...while I know YT is mostly anonymous, I'm very interested to know more about you. You sound a lot like someone I already know. I'm a Canadian person. If you are interested in a someone to write to let me know and I will give you my email.

[@kahtnipp]

Thank you and you as well @kris_ty685 for sharing your experiences. I can definitely relate and identify with almost everything you two have written. I'm still hyperstimulated and ultra isolated 3 years after the discard and smear campaign. She ended up turning not just my entire community against me with her delusional projections, but also my sister (who is now dead to me but still very much alive) and my Mom before she died for real. I can feel the gaps and holes in my brain compared to what it was before I connected with her. Not to use the term as a slur but I legit feel retarded in so many ways compared to who I used to be. I thought I felt like a bit of a man child before being subjected to her abuse but now I feel like an actual child who can't make simple decisions or comprehend things that have always come naturally to me. (I used to work in IT but had to change careers because my logical brain doesn't feel accessible anymore. I just make art and music full time now, with zero support and complete isolation. Being a starving artist is my reality now... Grateful that I've mostly lost my appetite, not just for food but for most things in life. I've still got a lot of work to do... Fellow Borderlines will probably appreciate the "Losi - Broken" remix that I made for a contest a couple of years ago (at the peak of her abuse) where I won first place. I am still so broken on so many levels... What a weird life..

[@Solossandy]

You’re an amazing writer and you’ve succinctly described my experience. I couldn’t have written it any better. Ty. And, I’m so sorry for the pain- I feel it, too.

[@juliaraptor]

Being biologically bound to an absence is the cruelest curse. I’m on the right path thanks to you. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, your insights are tremendously helpful 💙💙💙

[@Sarah_Benischek]

well worded

[@BluetarES7]

Vauw. Nailed it

[@dankogajic5619]

Amaizing sentence. ( the first one😊)

[@TheRoyalWe123]

Thanks for your time sharing such expertise.

[@kris_ty685]

Right on time Vaknin! I am in the final stages of recovery. It's been a wild ride

[@alanbravo5830]

Congratulations!!! Cheers to life!

[@marlenecarreno7893]

You are a genius! What a wonderful way to explain this process of recovery . Thank you so much for sharing your experience and knowledge. Saving lives that never imagine exist that amount of darkness and malicious humans. Eternally grateful.

[@mary-anncarleton7578]

Checked them all, tins of therapy and now the greatest gift; release from the trauma and years of not truly understanding the dynamics of how insidious and sick these ppl are. It takes a shit ton of Intestinal fortitude to get through. Not surprised I had a Sigmoid resection, it's all connected. Holy shite balls. Have a fantastic day everyone. Don't forget to hugs tree.

[@monicautrilladeneira397]

WowWWW this video is HUGE, I can listen to it everyday and I learn and grasp something new and important every day. All my thanks and my blessings to you Professor Vaknin!

[@kahtnipp]

You and your brain are such gifts to humanity. Thank you so much for all of your work and for sharing your wisdom with us.

[@tavyaoc9771]

Thank you for your support in getting me through the four-year recovery process! You made me cry, but in a good way. Thank you, Professor Vaknin!

[@cratekane]

It occurred to me recently that I have been in the process of reparenting myself. Thanks for all your help

[@jimward6184]

Thank youSam I'm irish youv helped me so fn much I loved her so much fn hell thank u

[@maryvera123]

I used your no contact rules which were very useful and worked well for me. Thank you, Professor for all the knowledge you share, and I hope you feel better soon. ❤

[@nenai.8526]

Thank you for all of the clarifying wisdom and guidance you have provided to those of us who were/are engulfed in the chaotically confusing narc universe! It is refreshing to find you here in the evening to armor up for another day! 🫶 With gratitude!

[@veroniqueboisvert6767]

Merci énormément pour vos vidéos tellement constructives 🙏🏻 enfin des conseils réellement applicables ainsi qu’une compréhension véritable de ce qu’est le narcissisme. Je vis moi même avec un homme depuis plus de 30 ans qui a ete diagnostiqué narcissique . J’ai beaucoup souffert mais j’ai appris beaucoup sur moi dans cette relation. Il faut aller voir en nous ce qui fait qu’on partage cette danse ensemble. Il y a une victime qui accepte de partager ce jeu et c’est ce qui faut comprendre. Pourquoi nous acceptons ce jeu. Merci beaucoup à vous , vous êtes incroyable ❤

[@annabystrzanowska-boruch231]

Thank You, Sir; as You said: zero tolerance. no second chances.

[@Luka663]

Professor I needed this video. Thank you.

[@ladyg852]

Thank you for this compassionate video, Dr. Vaknin, and for your help in shedding true light on both sides of this very cruel chapter in too many peoples' lives...

[@BevArnds]

Thank you so much for this video ❤ it couldn't have come at a better time for me 💕

[@Michelle-uz2ch]

Thank you Prof. Vaknin, for your crucial guidelines.

[@KristenMelinda47]

9:27 Yes. Thank you for verbalizing so succinctly what I have struggled to explain to people for years.

[@siddharthjodh]

If you want the narcissistic parent out of your head, stay out of theirs. Stop trying to react to them. Stop trying to argue with them about their reality. That's you being in their head and in their inner dialogue. It is not going to go anywhere and it is not going to work. You have to think about yourself.

[@moniqueteal7153]

Appreciate all your content ... so very important to hear , absorb and digest!

[@MichelleRedmond-p8q]

Thank you, spot on

[@margaretwhelan1475]

Get well soon ❤

[@christyjohnson4926]

Thank you so much!!! Your videos found me when I needed them the most. Your knowledge of narcissistic tendencies is amazing!

[@prakashgupta3215]

Pleasure listening you always.. Smile in struggle 😊

[@leon7e]

Excellent, Thank you Sam

[@蔣承達-q2z]

Thank you sir for your work

[@PriscillaCostea]

Good morning. Thank you 🙏🏾

[@bobbyoldsmith9425]

Love this! Thank you.

[@rebeccafieldsofdreams8428]

Thank you for all you do!! Your videos are so needed and also give me hope and encouragement!! I'm so grateful I found you!! ❤ 🙏

[@margaretwhelan1475]

Priceless 🙏❤️

[@mskate8386]

Thank you so much for sharing!

[@jakestown1952]

I think this is one of your best videos. Thank you so much. Priceless advice. I'd love a couple of pints in the pub with you! ❤

[@RoxiKavi]

Thank you ❤

[@DavidCoertzen-o2u]

I have no idea if my ex is a narcissist. I was his total financial supply for more than 10 years. He didn’t pay for anything expensive holidays, food, medicine or car maintenance. Got his office free trough me. He would act out it we had to do for me but became friendliest person if I had to pay for something he really wanted. Didn’t have respect for me or his mother but strangers were treated like royalty. He was always the victim calling himself a loser. He always surrounded himself with people he found to be someone to brag about. He is empty person that follows people that think he is great. Made himself out to be successful when he was not, leeching of me. He doesn’t tick all the boxes so I am unsure.

[@KathyG205]

Fantastic Video! Great knowledge. It is sooo helpful. Thank you :)! I think you should write a book about this topic. It would be the next best seller! Lot of therapists have no idea about healing after narc abuse, that's why many therapies are not successful. This book would help a lot! Greetings from Germany!

[@HEADHUNTER3000]

he wrote many books ;)

[@debbyjoy3]

Thank you once again Sam. I am working on this playlist...This past 10 months have been gruelling..Especially getting his voice out of my head..He is DEAD and I was still feeling so guilty for being at fault in my head because he blamed me...and I always took on his emotions and behaviours as being my fault ..for 28 years. It is hard to believe he actually was this person. The hardest part being the ability to believe and accept that that hurting child I tried to love and heal , was never really there. How is that possible? I am having trouble understanding that part. If he was a wounded child..Could the child never be healed and loved enough to be ok ?...So hard ...but I am working on it. Thank you so much..

[@sofiaandrade8586]

Thanks. ❤

[@dobermanluvsbulldogs]

Thanks for the info & help.

[@j3nji]

This is the good sht

[@nemanjarakic6815]

Hello Sam Vaknin! When is the video about healing from a BPD partner tips coming out? I seriously need it 😂

[@samvaknin]

Search the BPD and the NA Healing playlists.

[@nemanjarakic6815]

@@samvaknin Thank you. Do you offer talks with people? I would love to have a few words with you but sadly I can't make it to Ohrid in time.

[@Anna-mx5cn]

A type of person do not merged with the narcissist or normal person. What personality style fused with their significant other. Never ever have I lost myself on someone.

[@samvaknin]

Search the BPD playlist and the comorbidities playlist for "codep". Also search the channel for "merg", "fusion", "symbio", and "enmesh".

[@LHanna-gn3qw]

Thank you 💡 A male student was introduced to our German class full of women. He talked and "explained" so much and was so loud that an introverted female student almost lost it. She often rolled her eyes and showed funny facial expressions. So he felt bullied and started criticizing her. I defended her and made it clear that I wouldn't let him control or manipulate me. He was gone after one session 🕳🤷🏻‍♀️

[@Notyourtype8890]

That male student probably couldn't do right from wrong. You seem proud that you have devalued his contribution. Maybe he had learning difficulties, and that is why he was loud. The fact that you immediately separated him from the woman speaks volumes about you.

[@Zapp3645]

I’m just going home home

[@Travelintherapist]

@@Notyourtype8890no, the male student was most likely trying to assert his dominance over the women in the class and they let him know that they are equals, and he couldn’t handle it. It’s a shame that so many people try to make excuses for neurodivergent people’s bad behavior. Yes, they may have a disability, but it is not an excuse for their bad character. At the end of the day, they are still human, and so are we. At the very least, everyone should be civil to one another.

[@christinas8782]

excellent video

[@SethVII7]

Why is everything intended for victims. I'm just living and even when protecting others from me, the results are the same. Even understanding and changing behaviours doesn't change anything Am I suppose to stop living? Help me, help us...

[@janabanana8227]

Any suggestions when the narcissist is a coworker who is occasionally granted power over other team members, using it to abuse them? But doing it in dark, sneaky manners so the supervisor has a hard time proving it?

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel.

[@titaniumgranit3118]

Dear Prof. Vaknin! Could not stand from informing you on the very interesting question: "You may LOVE the narcissist, but do you LIKE them?". It is from Dr.Ramani channel. I think it is very precise and crucial for victims of narcissistic abuse. Can you share your opinion, please?

[@PlanetMeathead]

Professor Vaknin, would you consider making a video completely dedicated to adult men who were raised by a malignant/violent narcissist male? And the path to move forward when they never experienced a "normal" before encountered them. Thank you

[@samvaknin]

There are no psychological differences between male and female narcissists, only cultural ones. So, everything in the From Child to Narcissist applies.

[@PlanetMeathead]

​@@samvaknin Thank you, I will start diving into that playlist. These videos are extremely helpful.

[@taylorwaddell3546]

Does this list apply to abuse from borderlines as well? I would assume so based on your previous assertion that borderline/narcissism are different iterations of a post traumatic condition.

[@samvaknin]

Not fully, but most of it would.

[@LawEire2B]

SUPPLY ADDICTS (narcs) used to high quality good supply will WILL GO INTO WITHDRAWAL if they can't get as good a fix & THEY WILL TRY TO GET THAT LEVEL OF SUPPLY SOMEWAY SOMEHOW. Bad supply from you, or good supply from another. From personal experience, I DO NOT RECOMMEND GIVING HIGH QUALITY SUPPLY THEN DENYING A NARC what they built up a tolerance to. Even unintentionally-just getting sick can have disastrous effects.

[@IyaKarapetyan]

Professor. My partner after 4 years says I need to cancel my Russian citizenship because he hates Russians, can’t watch videos in Russian and I can’t drink tea because Russians drink it. Otherwise he won’t marry me. If I behave good he buys me stuff, plans dates, idolise me, when I try to speak to him he puts headphones and ignores me. Is he a narcissist? At the beginning he was love bombing me calling his future wife. Almost 4 years later I am still not and he I put this citizenship requirement lately

[@themindafterdark7201]

I don't think it matters if he is or isn't a narcissist. He's clearly an abuser and if possible you should seek to leave.

[@ksadog]

We need a video on how to interface when you are forced because you now live in a national disaster area (thank you Helene) and share young kids together. There are some circumstances that keep us tied in, no matter how hard we try to be fully independent. What happens when we have to be the subjective of thier passive aggressive rage and more gray rocking they stonewall and punish through the kids which as a mother is the hardest and also being reliant on the small support he gives. What happens when you don’t have any family for support and he left you specifically in dire consequences as you realize he wants to see you struggle and fail and he doesn’t care about the kids. He is far more delusional and danger than I could have imagined. We need more tips for when we feel like we are in a hell chess game for self preservation and the kids- and now- a literal apocalypse in western North Carolina

[@patriciaosullivan4973]

Can one recover????

[@samvaknin]

Watch the NA Healing playlist.

[@monachannel-nh7dy]

Thank you, Prof. Vaknin, for your guidelines.

[@rosaliecroes6223]

Thank you so much.

[@sarahrinehart7392]

Thank you!

[@asiars6348]

Thank you 💕

[@larisal.9923]

Thank you so much.