Narcissistic Family: Deep-Rooted Struggles The SCAPEGOAT Faces

[@jerrywise]

Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self

[@richardjohanson6421]

When you try to get rid of them... they think your crazy! YOU'RE NOT CRAZY YOU WERE ABUSED People often see the victim of narcissistic abuse as "crazy" or dramatic. They seem unstable, imbalanced, and full of fear and doubt. They are angry, depressed, and sometimes lash out. They are experiencing overwhelming emotions, and probably wearing them on their sleeve, for all to see. While the narcissist shows up cool, calm, and collected. Cruel and heartless as they are. they remain stable. because they were never attached to their victim. So using, abusing, and then casting them aside, didn't mean anything. because they don't care.

[@Privacityuser]

HUMAN RIGHTS violation has nothing to do with political inclination (BIES) MIDIA create this SCAPEGOAT

[@igormendoncacanga2569]

Perfect description and assessment f my life Dr. Wise. Thank you.

[@ObiMomKenobi13]

Oh my gosh. This is so eye-opening. I need solutions.

[@localppcartist]

How is it that I get picked out of a crowd, by strangers- literally! I feel like I have a sign over my head that welcomes abuse- even with my mouth shut!just sitting there looking the other way, in a spot where no one knows me...I still get found to be abused!!! HOW IS THIS?!? I don't want to ever to go out and be around people anymore.i just don't get it! I have been more stand up- for my self, I have begin to state my boundaries when needed, I have started to call out their behaviors- but some of those people have strategized their abuse to a more covert way. I told them to get lost. I dunno. I really need to stop it.

[@grayscar05]

We don't hv a family to lose in the first place is what I'm learning. An unhealthy family dynamic might as well be a non-existant one

[@mackaready1]

Yeah, it’s like living very alone you may as well be your own best friend.

[@Anson7777]

Makes sense but still being kicked out of the tribe we were born into is devastating and society doesn't understand, so our friends will never understand. We walk alone, our ONLY true friend the the Lord

[@monaj33]

Exactly...we need to come to terms that we are orphans and only God is our parent 🙏

[@Charmainecharmainecharmaine]

Glad I’m not alone here

[@nancybartley4610]

@grayscar05 So true, but it takes a long time for some of us to realize the truth of this. Then we fight it or try to fix it until we finally give up and admit that blood isn't necessarily automatically a guarantee of love and inclusion. The pain for me has not gone away. The gift that keeps on giving.

[@sage_forensics_2261]

🙏💜 As a Scapegoat who has gone No Contact with my family, including some extended family, I can tell you that many (if not all of these "fears") will go away or improve with No Contact and time to heal. You CANNOT heal while you are still being abused. It's like living a game of Whack-A-Mole...and you're the Mole! No Contact allows you to find clarity and Peace of mind; it is not a form of punishment. It is self-preservation and setting a boundary. For me, the decision became clear when I realized I was the only one trying to have a healthy relationship, and doing so was making me physically/mentally/spiritually ill. It was sucking the LIFE out of me! I was drowning, swimming for the surface, and my family was continuously and repeatedly pulling me back under. THIS is WHY we go No Contact. There is Peace away from the Chaos...one day at a time...stay strong, y'all! 🙏⚔💜

[@bravosierra1000]

It is a very difficult step to take. I have recently realized that No contact is my last hope for my well being. One day at a time.

[@elisabethhughes6005]

SO well said. My gosh it’s just so true. I finally got happier out on my own, living my own small peaceful life and no contact, ever. They barely even knew where to find me. The surprise problem I found was in telling the truth about the dysfunction in the family, and how many different varieties of “spiritual” people started forgiveness-shaming me. It was another complete wound. They swore I was “angry” and will never find peace or healing” without entirely forgiving everyone, for everything. Nope. My peace came in forgetting about them completely and having my own life aligned with my values. No contact and NO FOCUS either, worked for me. People have to be allowed to solve these problems in their own best way, serving their own needs. Again this comment was so clear and good ✌️

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@elisabethhughes6005 Those disgusting hypocrites expect us to "forgive" our abuser(s) while they have zero accountability, remorse or repentance!! They just keep right on abusing us!! This is not how "forgiveness" works! It's not a license to let the criminals off scot free.

[@stevec3892]

I’m 56 and the youngest and been the scapegoat my whole life . Two of the worst narcisstic parents and older sisters . They all cried to me when my father was abusing everyone but now they kiss his ass . In public all nice and tear me apart . I know they will screw me out of the Will . I can go on an on

[@janetcollins8338]

I grew up in a same atmosphere My mum couldn’t handle life always smashing glass in our bungalow My grandad was always fixing it it was regular occurrence My dad became her enabler Many years later after lots of dysfunction, my brother wad golden child I was three years older, My Nan often said I’d be wondering around while my mum was still in bed I knew not to upset mummy or else war would break out Smashing things All these things that Jerry has mention Was there Many years later I realise that my mum is narcissistic & my dad enabled At a family wedding 2017 my bro hit my husband My bro smeared our character Told lies to my parents So know I realise now thats I have God in my life many years ago Or our problems Were put on us My hubby & I So sad really But I know who I am in Christ That’s all that matters now

[@jillcookerly6122]

Especially when "family" are supposed to be the people that "love" you. It's easy to believe there is/must be something wrong with you.

[@mayyourwishesallcometrue]

Yes!

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

Yep, and then you continue to attract people just like them without realising that pattern is running.

[@jillcookerly6122]

@@madeleinegrayson8372 that's very interesting to hear. Assuming that's your experience? I've been wondering if that's common. I seem to be susceptible to this type over the years. My solution has been to self isolate.

[@joeythebushkangaroo1]

I often say to others, "that's my loving family!" I think the scapegoat is the one that's awake which really scares the others as we stand out as different. I liken it to being in a chicken coop & there's always one that they will all join in to peck at. Us scapegoats have escaped the coop. I only enter the coop when I absolutely have to now, and eventually there will be a day that I no longer bother to be around some of the "peckers" in the family at all...

[@naturelover1284]

I don't think of them as family they're just mean people that Got me to 10 or 15 and I've kind of Been on my own sense and I just gotta pretend I have family But now that I'm older I can just They're dead but they're like why are you alone and aren't you lonely No there's 50 other people in this noisy apartment

[@Ebeling1026]

As the scapegoat and oldest and only female child of my family, I'm just now learning about the damage that was done during my childhood. I was always afraid of my narcissistic dad and my mom never intervened just went along with him. I'm now 72 and am learning about how to heal. Thank you for your videos that have been helping me wade through all crappy childhood experiences.

[@nancybartley4610]

@Ebeling1026 In the boat with you. At 74, I am very aware of the damage that was done to me mentally. Some of this damage can't be removed. My view of life and others was programmed into me so deeply.

[@theripper1705]

Moi aussi :(

[@diggitydank1083]

Its a painful process when you hear exact phrases and put downs as a child. Its not late to become your trueself.❤

[@gloriabarrett6476]

Im 72 and same here

[@faith8788]

Your mom was probably brainwashed by him. My mom and stepmom were brainwashed by my dad. Unfortunately they are master manipulators😢 so glad we have these videos.

[@LaneBelle]

The most painful experience I’ve ever had was family scapegoating. I was already going through other things and they kicked me while I was already down. I removed myself, I don’t speak to 3/4 of my immediate family members.

[@reesedaniel5835]

Absolute strangers have shown me far more kindess than my family did.

[@ndl78]

I feel they do this in purpose when we are already down and struggling..I feel if I was in a better life situation one where it benefited them it would be a completely different story

[@mayyourwishesallcometrue]

@@reesedaniel5835 One hundred times, yes!!!!

[@nancyP7448]

I'm my family's scapegoat. I have gone No Contact. It was the only way to save myself. I can't believe I made it through my childhood. The smear was and is still terrible, but I stay way from all them and their tactics. Still working on myself as I didn't know anything about Narcissism to save myself early in life. Damage has been done, but I'm feeling freer from them. I call myself an Escape goat now. Haha.😊

[@SweepDailyWin]

I suffered a horrific childhood too....thank god we're out!

[@finnlove4263]

"Escape goat" LOVE THIS!!! Thank you for bringing a smile to my day. Wishing you well ❤

[@Lynne-28]

SUPERBIA: ESCAPEgoat!!! Love the humor mixed with TRUTH!!!

[@stevec3892]

I waited 50 years and no one was abused word Than me . I moved away ten years ago and never looked back . Even my own kids had to leave cause they poisoned them

[@stevec3892]

I left my family , gave them so many chances that I loved 800 miles away

[@Eliane70b]

My life as a scapegoat was no-life, no-self, no-history.

[@effthamatrix]

Very alienating 😩

[@Joy.1111]

Projection … told I’m a liar, and that I have a bad memory

[@Anon06428]

Same here.

[@pjb1702]

Same

[@pavla2055]

I always felt that my toxic family wanted me to want to be around them so that they could reject me - I guess that made them feel superior . Going NO CONTACT often ends up being the only card to play to escape the abuse and craziness .

[@oppressednolonger1497]

what happened when you went NC?

[@allwayscgood576]

My families scapegoating is so weird and subversive and discreet that people think I’m the crazy one. I’m done protecting them and compromising myself. I have to save myself and my son.

[@oppressednolonger1497]

that sounds like excellent self care, I wish success, and only success !

[@allwayscgood576]

@@oppressednolonger1497 Thabk you very much 🙏

[@oppressednolonger1497]

@@allwayscgood576 💙🙌🏻💞

[@igitha..._]

I was recently uninvited from my brothers wedding... just looked up family scapegoat half an hour ago... apt & well timed....

[@SweepDailyWin]

My brother left me out of his wedding too. They're garbage human beings. Live your best life because you are a gem!!!!

[@user-tr9cb7dn1b]

Just go no contact.

[@singstreetcar5881]

Get away from them

[@AlexShiro]

Enjoy the peace, some loss is gain.

[@Kareena1988]

Im so sorry this happened to you.

[@darinsmith2458]

With me being the scapegoat I tolerated and still do tolerate too much unacceptable behavior.

[@JoeFrank-ll1fe]

I'm the scapegoat in my family my whole family turned there back on me after my horrible relationship.

[@JoeFrank-ll1fe]

Then the next day want to hang out with me.

[@darinsmith2458]

@@JoeFrank-ll1fe I still go towards toxic people but those relationships don't last nearly as long as before... I do have a couple relationships that are healthy that have lasted a pretty long time..

[@JoeFrank-ll1fe]

@@darinsmith2458 i just asked my dad why he’s done those things that Jerry talks about he said it was because I was a problem slammed the door and left I’m going no contact . I’m so done .

[@darinsmith2458]

@@JoeFrank-ll1fe Yup.. I have said everything multiple times.. It is all about my action..

[@etaokha4164]

I am the scapegoat who escaped and 5 years no contact. As an adult I am a cycle breaker and love my kids unconditionally and ive healed

[@kobra4422]

I've thought today, my relatives only found acceptable the version of me who DOESN'T like me. Whenever I was becoming more confident and enjoying myself, not bc of their support, but bc the self development I was doing, the tension and resistance increased. I was also surrounded by friends who were used to me having low self esteem and when my real self popped out, they acted hostile. Not enjoying people who don't want me to like me anymore. #teamme 😂 Thank you so much for recommending Jay Reid book ❤. It's awesome lecture.

[@rubberbiscuit99]

I hear you and have been going through the same. Although it is painful to go through the grief in the healing process, there is some relief in the separation of very low contact. It is remarkable how many toxic people were in my life, and how much they hated me trying to be healthier and trying to have healthier relationships with them. The contempt for me was palpable, and it reinforced my growing into myself.

[@oppressednolonger1497]

bravo to you Kobra!

[@Cake8833]

My experience of being the scapegoat didn't come until I had already entered adulthood. It ended up with me being involuntarily committed to a psych ward for three months wherein I was forced to take high grade anti-psychotics against my will and better judgment. My family of course did nothing to get me released. Worst experience of my life by far. These people need to be locked up.

[@gem7078]

So sorry about your experience. Agreed that they should be locked up. Vile people.

[@faith8788]

I had a breakdown after cutting my sociopath narcisstic dad out of my life and seeing everything for what is and spent time in a psych ward too. Glad you are on the healing path❤

[@shirleydavis5629]

A projected scape goat can lead to dotor appointments, surgeries, chronic pain, chronic disorders, depression, financial despair, and worse, self-break down to just give up. Well, I am working on reversing all these ruined attributes. I am able to be a happy true me.

[@elenazenzolo6689]

My family ruined my whole life, I had no childhood and still made me feel guilty for leaving. I started a new life and certainly did not miss me, the few times I paid a visit still found the time to verbally abuse me, and so on the phone. They never changed. It was truly sad, but had to put a stop to all this and leaving was the right thing. They could not face it and this is the only reason they miss me. I had no affection from my parents at all and my brother was taken better care of. I now have a new 'family', my best friend and his mum cared about me more than my own family and made me feel like a human being. Friends welcome, family by appointment, really so so true

[@beng4647]

My friend said my mom treats me like a junkie who has pawned all her jewelry 3 times.

[@Anson7777]

This is what I've been looking for for 3 years.. The answers to why I keep struggling even at 60 years old and why my life is messed up

[@user-vp7kn3js4x]

You're not alone 💜

[@doricetimko5403]

Same here. It’s insane what we’ve put up with all these years

[@LimitlessThinker]

When I was around 14 yrs old I would feel like crying and ask my mother what's wrong with me. She would tell me I was being sensitive and it really stopped there. My father had anger issues with me and I walked on eggshells around him. She enabled him. He would use the belt and often just shake me while he was screaming. He would ground me for a week or two weeks at a time. I was isolated in my bedroom and played a lot of music and draw or write poems. Eventually, as I was close to 16 I would stay at a friend's house. I was starting to run away and eventually went on my own at 16. I got a job and a room. Always felt unwanted. My brother and sister never had harsh treatment and my father never layed a hand on my mother either. I got tired of being the punching bag. I asked elders at school and church for help, but my parents were well liked. I just had to learn to survive at a young age. I'm in my 60's and realize now that I should not have been treated that way. We look back and can see the faults they had and how they used silence and harsh punishment. Thank you for sharing this important info for others. I have gone no contact with my brother and sister. They still act entitled and it is enough drama for a lifetime.

[@nicselectronics81]

Never shared anything, was manipulated with guilt and fear to just not talk.

[@vttrnn]

And if you do, guess what? "You've always been crazy!"

[@user-dr8sc1gp4z]

The simple concept of not “what’s wrong with me, but what’s wrong with them?” helps immediately. Thank you Dr. Jerry!

[@effthamatrix]

I tapped out on my nest of narcs/family a year ago- walked away from not one but two sizeable inheritances, and still worth it!! Can’t put a price on peace ✌️

[@RonSafreed]

I am a 68 year old "scapegoat" child & everything I have gotten in life has been "very, very, hard & boy it has taken its toll on me & years/decades ago narcissism was never talked about, but I knew something was wrong!!

[@pinkposey8134]

I was told via text by my brother that my Aunt (who had passed on) was not accepting 'visitors' to her funeral service! Really? No worries, we both loved each other and peaceful said our goodbyes the last 3 years of her life. That was my permanent no contact moment, who does this?

[@user-tr9cb7dn1b]

Narcissists r crazy.

[@reesedaniel5835]

I would have texted brother back: "OK", then made SURE to show up early at the funeral.....😄

[@pinkposey8134]

Righteous! Thank you !@@reesedaniel5835

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

My absentee father's family lived blocks away from my other grandparents, whom I saw constantly. When my paternal grandfather died, and we heard via friends of friends, I called and asked why I wasn't told he was ill so I could see him before he died? I was told, "out of sight, out of mind, honey." Who says that to a 15 year old? Just evil people.

[@joeythebushkangaroo1]

I would have said ",good idea,I'll see you there!," lol.

[@Juke582]

I never thought anything was wrong with me when my crazy family scapegoated me! I was just shocked they kept it up forever! 😮 I rejected them at early adulthood! it was hard to fully abandon my troubled siblings. When they got worse with abuse I cut all contact! It’s always going to hurt.

[@richardjohanson6421]

Very hard path!! Shame big weapon especially if it's childhood learned behavior patterns from our childhood from exactly..... ppl who are Covert Narcissists they are the worst!

[@guymontefinese7334]

Barbara here: My mother’s 2 favorite words for me: selfish & inconsiderate.

[@gwdavey]

I ran for my life, but I still struggle. Not nearly as much as before, but the homesickness, shame and decades of accusations have taken a toll.

[@penelopep5356]

Come from dysfunctional family of 7 children. Dad was narcissistic and verbally abusive. Two of my sisters died of alcohol abuse. I am next in line for scapegoating. I have divorced myself from family to protect me and my family. I am healing. I recognize the family illness and am done.

[@oppressednolonger1497]

excellent, you are a warrior and praise for winning the battle.

[@richardjohanson6421]

Born an illegitimate child from an adulterous relationship before Roe vs Wade... didn't know until late in life what was the real truth!! Shocking... bankruptcy here too... smh

[@richardjohanson6421]

Was a scapegoat of the family.... 3 older step brothers... mother's 1st husband died... then me...1 younger step sister... Hanson genetic father Johanson step father Jo means God is merciful in Hebrew

[@richardjohanson6421]

My family Covert Narcissists they lie to your face and set you up-gaslighting you-then scapegoat you-blaming you for their problems... it's pathetic!

[@sophial.2438]

​@@HarryBarker-yp1xv She will reap what she sowed in the afterlife. What a horrible woman.

[@dameanvil]

00:33 🙍‍♂ Shame of being a scapegoat: Scapegoats in toxic families often struggle with shame and guilt, questioning their worth due to being labeled and treated as a scapegoat. 02:52 🌐 Desire to share reality: Scapegoats have a natural human desire to share their reality with others, especially family, but in toxic families, this desire can lead to painful outcomes. 05:31 🔄 Pathological certainty: Scapegoats must confront the family's pathological certainty that they are the problem, dealing with smear campaigns and the widespread belief in their inherent badness. 08:00 🔄 Projective emotional call: Scapegoats feel compelled to align with the projected emotions and beliefs of the family, adopting the negative labels assigned to them. 10:10 😨 Fear of relationship collapse: Scapegoats fear the psychological collapse of relationships with toxic family members if they reject the projected roles assigned to them. 11:30 🔄 Struggle with self-identity: Scapegoats grapple with issues of self-identity, self-awareness, and self-regulation due to distorted early programming within dysfunctional families.

[@arenee118]

I started to be my family's scapegoat around ten years of age. That is when my five year old brother took his bike for a ride through the cow pasture. After searching high and low, he showed up with his face gashed from running into fencing. I was the one to receive the spanking because (unbeknown to me) I was supposed to be watching him. The following year, he was running in a store and gashed his face on a clothing rack. I received the spanking because I was supposed to be watching him (from the dressing room). Whenever anything happened to someone else, it was always my fault. My father sexually abused me from five on. Whenever I would push him away, the next day he would come up with a reason to punish me. Sometimes he would include my six siblings in the punishment, such as ignoring me. I went no contact at 64 years of age. I just got sick and tired of the constant scapegoating from my siblings.

[@joeythebushkangaroo1]

I can relate to this,eldest of 6, blamed for anything that happened to younger siblings. I was on a swing in a park,oldest child of cousins too there, me 6yo,our cousins there as well, about 6+ of us there. I got into trouble bc my youngest sister got hit by my swing. I wasn't allowed to even be a child on a swing,I shouldn't have to be a mother at 6yo. My parents were not there at park. This is why I loved school so much,I could be a child there not a stand- in mother. This happened all thru my childhood,I'm the eldest grandchild on both sides as well. My siblings don't understand how that felt,nor did my parents. Our cousins lived in same house as us for 6 yrs. I was oldest of 9 kids altogether with them...my mum had 5 children in 6 years & one much later when cousins left. I was 11yo so guess who looked after him-me. Mum always worked,I had to look after the others from walking home from scool to staying in the backyard until our parents finished work 2 hours after school. We were not allowed in the house,there was a tent if it was raining. True latchkey children. I'm the eternal scapegoat,I'm now 64yo,parents dead,mum recently, and it still continues from most siblings. Once house is sold & inheritance comes thru, some siblings will be no contact. Enough is enough, someone else can take my place getting pecked in the chicken coop.

[@arenee118]

@@joeythebushkangaroo1 🤗

[@fifthavenuegirl]

yep im 63 same situation i think being forced to babysit when i was still a baby is why i never wanted kids

[@Anson7777]

So many teachers on narcissist family but you explain it the best for me. You are just brilliant. And really help so many understand in simple language. Thank you Jerry!

[@jerrywise]

Wow, thank you!

[@monicaperez2843]

Scapegoats fear abandonment. I wanted to run away and find another family. I think my family sensed this, as years later, I found a rail road 20 miles away and never knew it existed until I was an adult.

[@SandeepSinghCreator]

I was scapegoated by my family

[@Joelswinger34]

It does take a lot to go no contact. Even though there was no family there to begin with.

[@gunillasveningsson7106]

It's as crazy as like someone hit you and then ask; Why where you hit and who hit you?

[@annastone5624]

Not always as bad as such.. but as weak, or over-sensitive, lost, incompetent, unable.. or spoilt (when the opposite is true - they are spoilt) But also theres a layer that feels like scapegoating but isn’t quite. It’s when you just want to speak reality, but they need to stay in toxic positivity.

[@AlvinKazu]

There WAS nothing wrong with me, however the same cannot be said now, after all the abuse. My parents just didn't want to listen and instead formed their own opinion about reality, this is what caused me to break, because not only would they form their own opinions about everything, but they would get angry, rage, yell, punish, etc, etc, based on their own FEELINGS not REALITY. My parents both live in their own worlds. Dad is oblivious to everything around him, while mom has to have everything her way micromanaged. Both mom and dad are micromanaging, control freaks, who need to control everything, and have everything done their way, except their own lives are an absolute mess and they don't care about it. It's amazing how people can just try to control/change/help others, instead of themselves. I am 1000000000% guilty of this too.... But I realized I learned this from my parents/father. My father was always the "helpful" one, but I realize it's all to serve his own purpose. --------------------------------------------------- I was programmed to believe I had to be nice to people and do things for people, and that a relationship is based on people doing for each other and that if I do something for someone, they should reciprocate. I realize now that is incredibly selfish of me. To expect someone to HAVE TO do something for me, just because I did it for them. I thought that is what people did, but I need to realize that if i do something for a friend, they right away don't have to reciprocate. It's not a checklist... "I did 10 things for you, why haven't you done anything for me?" A relationship should be formed on people doing things for each other, but I'm not sure if there is a scale that weighs out what people do and each person has to put in the same amount each time and make it like that. I think that if you have a friend that doesn't do things for you, he isn't a good friend. You should WANT TO be a good friend, not FORCED TO because your buddy did something for you previously. It's should be a steady flow of reciprocation and kindness. -------------------------------------- I also was programmed that I HAD TO be "nice" to my parents, in order to get any love. I also had a father who flipped out on me because there were times mom would get angry at something I said and would storm off. The biggest incidents were always during Holidays. For some REason, Passover was always a big deal. It was always long, it was a lot of stuff, mom did a lot of prep, and I think now, she just wanted everything to be "perfect." so when her 8-10 year old ADHD son makes a comment or says something when everything is supposed to be done a certain way, she flipped out raged and left. Dad trying to get her to come back and she wouldn't. Instead of being normal and realizing that it's her fault for being a child, and she should be a 50+ year old adult, he instead turned to his 8-10 year old son(I believe tis happened 3 years in a row), and yells at him blaming me. I believe I was 10 when he yelled at me saying that I have to take responsibility for how others react to what I do and say to them.... You can imagine what damage this caused a 10 year old boy. I thought that Iwas responsible for everyone's feelings, and that if I do something to someone, and then react, I have to just take it. This is how my father programmed me, and he showed this, because every time then and now that my mother yells at me and fights me and goes off on me, I have to just sit there and take it, while my lump of a father is ust standing there... not saying anything... Until I defend myself, and he starts telling me to stop and that it does no good, and that it's just going to make things worse for me... Or worst of all... When he says "I'm doing this to HELP YOU." HELP ME? FK YOU! THIS IS THE FKING INSANITY WE HAVE TO LIVE WITH. PARENTS CONTROLLING US, TELLING US THAT ABUSING US IS "HELPING US" AND THAT US JUST EXISITNG IS OKAY AS LONG AS WE FOLLOW THEIR ABUSIVE RULES. IT'S BEYOND DEHUMANIZING. THESE DISGUSTING DEMONS! -------------------------------------------------------------------- I hope that BOTH of them, and every other demonic narcissist in this world... Gets EXACTLY what THEY DESERVE. MAY ALL US ABUSE VICTIMS HEAL, AND BE ABLE TO LIVE THE LIVES WE NEVER WERE ALLOWED TO HAVE!

[@catalinafirefly4685]

Its a lonely but healthy life leaving the toxics. Lots of tears cause no one understands what happened. Thx Jerry...you help us a lot. 😢

[@writer1986]

Such great words. I'm the scapegoat of my family, and I left the dysfunction after 30 years. My husband is the scapegoat of his family, but he still plays into the toxicity, in hopes that his parents and brother will welcome him into their posse. He can't accept that they will never welcome him with open arms and see him for who he is. At first I was heartbroken for him, now I'm just annoyed that he accepts his role as the scapegoat. Not me!

[@singstreetcar5881]

Pls show.him these videos about scapegoat child. Talk sense into him.

[@bobbellendovich6825]

"I'm not a referee.", is what my narcissist father told me when attacked by my sibling. Beaten senseless if i defended myself against either if them. I was institutionalized by father, until multiple psychs told father HE was the real problem. No more psyche visits for me!!!

[@deborahdrew2065]

I had my sister call me a name based on her false beliefs because of the friends I hung out with when I was 16 years old. That was 50 years ago. My siblings don’t know me at all because of the false narrative going on all that time. It rocked my world. And it took me months to regain my sense of self.

[@pialindeg]

Jerry the Wise - you seem to know my awful family! Thanks

[@jerrywise]

Sorry to hear that

[@ranirathi3379]

JUST YESTERDAY by connecting enough dots and facts and research on emotional abandonment, i came to see how much i've let the need to be included, to prove myself as NOT THE SCAPEGOAT, i've let their conditional approval-opinion of me decide my glass ceiling. the shame and pathetic self that they project onto me, i see myself through that and it makes me shrink smaller and smaller, more apologetic even for existing. can't believe how i made it all these years, it was all so brutal and horrendous.

[@Joy.1111]

Accurate. Isolated from family health issues, funerals even

[@tmccray5510]

Thank you for this, this is so freeing because for a long time I try to get along with these people but they are wrong and crazy. I am tired of not knowing who the real me is. Thanks again Jerry.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

I feel same way

[@DavA-DM]

While I have ended my connection to the narcissistic connections of my family, this is very useful for a greater understanding that I was the scapegoat. It was an status that I felt for a very long time, but yes - I remain still fully not studied for my well-being. The one thing I would say is I knew for a long time the conditions of being the scapegoat for the family. My mother and sister are (In my opinion) deeply narcissistic, and as my mother is now 90, and (I think) she believes time is closing for her. The sister is her golden child, and is clearly going to take-over that throne of narcissistic control. However, I am simply not going into the dark of end with either the game-plan of my mother or the removal from the family with my sister. Instead, I finished this hopeless situation, and walked away. I see myself as having no family, and frankly - I am becoming more and more okay with this. The point is - I do find myself being still not fully understanding me being the scapegoat for this clearly toxic family...

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

Mr.Wise, Thank you for these videos. I am not recovering from childhood scapegoating, I am in it. I moved 1,000 miles to escape toxicity, but eventually it found me again. I live with my grandma, and I was her helper, but she is infirm now and my mother has invaded our space with her narcissism. We had three blessed weeks of visiting caregivers, and she acts like she lives here now. The things she Does, the environment she creates, what she says...I am in constant stress mode. I'm being pushed out and I have no place to go! I became a drunk driver and live rural with no license, walking for miles, staying outside as long as possible until I have to reenter the house of yelling, anger, clutter. Essentially friendless, but a few people that help me when it is convenient for them. I never touched my mother in anger my entire life, but by 2023, I was pushing, slapping, raging at her. My life is hell. I want to save my grandma and myself. I just don't know what to do. --- a failed man.

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

I do have a friend, my little orange mountain lion. We hang out in the garage. I love him so much.

[@wailnshred]

​@@thereisnosanctuary6184Cats are great pets. 🐈

[@monaj33]

You are not failed...you are a good person who had enough..pray..may God Protect you

[@angelacahill9460]

You must take steps to protect yourself legally.

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

@@angelacahill9460 I'm trying to. But, I don't think I will. A PFA might be a bluff I use. Lots of moving parts here.

[@lindastark8836]

Yep - that's me - targeted by my family - I was/am the only one with a courageous heart - family didn't like that a bit - still don't. Thank you for this extremely informative video!!

[@fifthavenuegirl]

exactly

[@lisabeaumont]

My mother has always thought the worst of me. I was a happy toddler until we moved out from my grandparents’ house. Then the emotional neglect mattered because there was nobody around to cushion that. I became a moody child because I was so unhappy and my self-worth was on the floor, and she has criticised and raged at me my whole life. A recent incident - not inviting me to her birthday party - was the absolute last straw.

[@lisabowden402]

So very true! The scapegoat will have the entire family against you. The smear campaign is excruciating. I honestly believe they feel it’s true. No matter how many times , over 30 years, I’ve proved that I’m fine, they are determined to prove that I am I crazy , and need psychological help . It’s so insane. Its continuous. No matter how many times I show up totally fine. My mom is determined to see me as crazy. It’s nuts!

[@fifthavenuegirl]

exactly

[@mamacitasalsera]

Thank you for your wonderful videos. Unfortunately I am struggling with the effects of my scapegoat role (and my own previous lack of boundaries) on my relationship with my adult daughter. My sister has now disowned me because I told her she would not be able to carry on indefinitely using my parents' property for her own family's financial benefit. She lives abroad and I was the main carer and support for my parents yet somehow I am a disgrace and my daughter took my sister's side. Our relationship has recovered to a degree (couldn't care less about my sister) but I always walk on eggshells and my fear is that my beloved little granddaughter will eventually treat me like the rest of the family always have - the person who is always there to help but never really appreciated or loved for myself.

[@flyingeaglewoman8682]

“For someone to insult me first I must value their opinion.” ~ Author Unknown It took me many decades to emotionally disconnect from some family members. Understanding these dynamics has helped me immensely to see my part and contribution. Which in turn has allowed me to move forward and address my own issues. Trusting my intuition and myself rather than other peoples perceptions of me has been a game changer. The manipulation by way of shaming, blaming and/or guilt is much easier to see now and not participate, nor be sucked back in to a dysfunctional dynamic. There’s freedom on the other side, but it’s not an easy journey. Take care and stay safe everyone. Wonderful vlog, thank you kind sir!

[@jerrywise]

Welcome!

[@Sheyshel]

You've just opened my eyes. I was clueless. You've just changed the course of my life Mr. Wise. I knew I would get value from this video, but it felt like you were in my head the whole time!

[@justice8563]

There is not one form of abuse that I haven’t dealt with being a scapegoat. Even people that ask innocently, how I’m doing to the narcissistic psychopaths in my family, triggers them because they just can’t accept that any person, would have any concern or care about me, so they feel they have to be aggressive to the person and then start the attacks on me again. They really do want me emotionally and physically dead, and now I have to fear if someone inquires about me because it will cause me more harm. It never ends even when they die, it just passes on to the next generation.

[@eileenoconnor391]

Bless you from the bottom of my heart Jerry. I saw how much that suing hurt you. Your vulnerability after so much abuse is a tribute to your strength and courage. Shine on.

[@victoriao1828]

Still healing after several years of no contact. Stay strong. It gets better as time passes, and they move on.

[@ardent9422]

When trying to share the family reality, people outside of the family have a perception of the people in the family, as being incapable of doing wrong. I deal with that pathological certainty of me being bad, and I remind myself that I've never been arrested, never done drugs, I avoid drinking, I have a career that I've built myself, and that there are people who see me as talented and respectable, even if my family doesn't.

[@samantagerlach8172]

Achamos que temos algum problema mas, o entorno demonstra que não. Sou o bode. Para a família, tudo errado. Na vida, só elogios. Quando percebi, sai correndo. Demorei mas, consegui. Agora é tratar os traumas que persistem em acompanhar. Obrigada pelos vídeos. Do Brasil! ❤

[@keithstewart7514]

When GOD showed me that even my Christian mother derives joyful Harmony from her inflictions of HARM JUST FOR ME... I, to her face proclaimed I would no longer consider my (G.C.) older brother as any part of my life (God lead me). My 14 years of headaches 9 of 12 months of the year Dissipated ten minutes after leaving my Momster'$ house. That headaches placement lifted, MONTHS have past!

[@fifthavenuegirl]

Bible states parents do not provoke your children

[@ClassicTrucker]

This is my family to a T. I almost always won at Monopoly when I was a kid when I grew up mom dared me to try it in real life. I wanted to but I knew they would ruin it. Dad even told me he would kick me out if I bought rentals.

[@faith8788]

Thank you for your videos. I cut my narcissistic sociopathic dad out of my life a few years ago but I'm still dealing with a lot of identity theft and fraud from him. I'm having to deal with it all through the court system due to a judgment and suspension my license for the fraud he committed against me, so still dealing with it. I healed a lot though with therapy and watching videos like this. I actually even have compassion for him because I know he doesn't feel good about himself inside and because whatever happened in his childhood that made him that way

[@taliajournee212]

Great video Jerry, I've experienced all of these feelings but I think because I was the only girl and always felt strongly about myself - I looked at my other family members somewhat critically. Although I could see the dysfunction, I couldn't do anything about it. Ofcourse it was confusing because sometimes they are nice to you and treat you kindly. As I became a woman that treatment decreased and then things REALLY started kicking off. My Narc siblings knew exactly what was going on and instead of talking to me they joined right in on the circus. It's amazing how people can have professions and present so maturely to everyone else yet be so f******d up in their family unit.

[@JJones-kf5xp]

when a narcissistic family stalks scapegoat life

[@nicolehayes6020]

Dr Wise I’m the scapegoat. The black sheep. N proud to be! Those people are crazy (my narcissistic family). I’m done with them all n one more to go. My narc mother n I can’t wait!!!!

[@debbiekillewald8384]

Yes. I wish I could've known about this in my 20's. I thought I was the only one in the whole world. I didn't know what scapegoat meant.

[@fifthavenuegirl]

me too

[@anthonysgarage5283]

Thanks Jerry for the reassurance. It seems like your talking about me & my entire toxic family. I am going no contact as much as possible at the moment.

[@Crystal_Seeker71]

I struggled with number one and didn't even know it was a thing, I thought it was me over thinking things. Number two was also one for me to hear your advise on. Thank you so much Jerry I cannot tell you how much your videos help me to keep moving forward.

[@karenmackay4289]

Its the emotional pain that i cannot cope with, make it stop.

[@jerrywise]

program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/. Thank you for watching. I'm sorry to hear that your pain is high.

[@user-vp7kn3js4x]

Thank you Jerry 💜

[@Kwsta86]

Knowing what reality is and Accepting what reality is, are two separate journeys

[@suzannemckitterick2781]

Your message is like manna from heaven. Scapegoating is horrendous. Healing continues one day at a time. I like to say I'm on an upward swing of a downward swoop...very painful, to be sure. Glad to view your videos...Thank you, your style of teaching is warmly welcoming. The weight lifts a bit with each tape...Today is a good day...thank you, sweet man.

[@annaclaire9927]

Thank you for your help.

[@jerrywise]

You're welcome!

[@pinkposey8134]

Thank you so very much for this topic! #5 resonates and thankful you could put it into words. It is a strange nagging feeling that just maybe all will be good someday. Getting past that, so happy you garnered this aspect and all of the others! This scapegoat is long gone, no new fodder. It doesn't matter how much money you have or degrees so do you own thing.

[@forumkitty]

Its even more messed up when you're an only child and you get both scapegoated AND the golden child treatment. Its like going from the deepest pit of hell to the highest point of heaven based on their whims. Im not surprised i learned to dissociate.

[@nikdenbak3961]

I sympathize. I have always been my dad's scapegoat and my mum's golden child (my dad is NPD and my mum a covert narcissist). That truly messed me up and I'm only now getting on top of it at 46 yo. I hope you are making sense of your situation and are making progress

[@1stBorn538]

You're only being given the golden child treatment to aid and abed in the toxic activities the minute you stop. They turn against you! I'll stay in the scapegoat group. Thanks! At least we all know where everyone stands

[@forumkitty]

@@nikdenbak3961 at the very least I'm ahead of the game figuring it out in my 20s, I suppose. My dad's also got NPD and my mom is a covert narcissist. I disowned my dad years ago but my mom escaped my notice unfortunately until she allowed her new boyfriend to become violent towards me and made no effort to stop him. We fled the violence about 15 months ago now. Going no contact is the best thing I've ever done for my mental health. I'm starting to recover a lot of memories and figuring out just how messed up my childhood was now. In a really twisted way, I feel like I'm finding myself in finding the truth.

[@forumkitty]

@@1stBorn538 definitely a mood. I played into my own abuse for far too long until it turned physical.

[@1stBorn538]

@nikdenbak3961 I'm 53, with a golden child narc mother and a covert narc father... both in their 70s now... don't feel bad, it took me a while too!! But we made it this far!!! We are stronger and more knowledgeable than before...

[@Donkey1668]

I should run away to a different state. My whole life would be different. Now I’m broke and alone. The one who supported me, my husband, passed away 20 years ago😢😢😢

[@Gemmarose9012]

Thank you, Jerry. No contact and working through all of the residue one little bit at a time.

[@koneberhanbelay3534]

Totally resonate with this gloomy circumstance 100%, all my life. It badly hurts ... Thank you very much for the awareness and wayout. God Bless.

[@jelkel25]

Yup, you'd rather be in a rigged game than no game at all until you discover you don't need the game and never did.

[@casstay4499]

I say you gotta learn to ❤ the hate once you do you’re free!

[@3_m_1_7]

Wow Jerry your point near the end of this video about reactivity is an incredibly useful observation. Your ability to get just a bit further under the surface is remarkable. We cannot simply withdraw our reactions or suppress them to have quenched our reactivity!

[@jerrywise]

Glad it was helpful!

[@dorothybingham3205]

My family has given me many different labels, but professors, work mates, and friends tell me I'm the opposite.

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

Thanks for the in-depth examination of scapegoat dynamics, Jerry. Your description of the 'pull' felt to identify with the projections of the narcissistic parent really resonated. And I'm very glad to know you found my book helpful and appreciate you mentioning it in this video.

[@Susan-hu1gt]

The book you mentioned is the book I'm currently reading. I highly recommend it.

[@AnthonyManzio]

Facts! No book will ever change your life. A waste of time only for educational purpose.

[@jerriosity]

I've suffered as a scapegoat in a dysfunctional narcissistic family for many decades. It's my relationship with the Lord that liberated me. But it's only people like Jerry who have articulated this in a way that exposed the dynamics of this dysfunction to me in a way I can have understanding and clarity. I'm sixty four years old and have only gotten "relief" in the last 2 years.

[@jerriosity]

It may be that like King David, Joseph, you have a call on your life. I would encourage you to seek God on this matter.

[@sherylbeamer7189]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart Jerry🙏🏼THIS is speaking to me so loudly. Jerry your videos have been instrumental, together w individual therapy to finding my adult self. I’m currently reading at your suggestion; Inner Bonding by Margaret Paul and I’m finding it painful but helpful. Reading small sections at a time has been healing. Thank you again💕

[@jerrywise]

You might want to check this program out. Thank you for watching.... program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/

[@lockedintogod4404]

Thank you Jerry for all you do ❤

[@jerrywise]

I appreciate that

[@maikomaya8912]

Thank you for all you do. You have taught me so much. I Appreciate you. 🙏❤️🙏

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

So true, none of my aunts, uncles or cousins every wonder what's wrong with that family. They just buy into the Susie's insane narrative

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

Thank you sooooo much for your amazing videos. They are ALWAYS very helpful. From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome!

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

@@jerrywise Your videos REALLY HELP so many people…I share them to even to South Africa and the UK etc….they are so so blessed with your videos and I post them on social sites.

[@carolelandon7534]

ALL EXCELLENT, Jerry...!! LOVE...your distinctions between 'HEALTHY'...and 'UNHEALTHY/toxic'...!! 'Emotional Location'' - LOVE...this term... All so USEFUL, so KEY...!!🌹

[@marilynschmidt6400]

I go by another name at the moment because the relative I'm named after is a deceitful church member and my birth name wasn't God given. I always knew as a child that my family were toxic.I got blamed for leaving the family when I was 15 and was taken to a foreign land with a stranger only my father knew. I didn't even know about what sex with a minor was until my father actually told me how old I was when I lost my virginity. One counselor said to me "how would he know?" "He wasn't even there!". My family are evil and my son will eventually know the truth sooner or later. Even my sister's mother-in-law said to me "hopefully Tas finds out what they're really like" so ❤ and ✌️ to all the scapegoats out there. Stay 💪 and cut ties with these wicked beings ❤💜🙏😇

[@paulablair395]

No one can help me.

[@pam8056]

Thank you for defining family projections onto self- That's such a crucial concept for scapegoat healing

[@philliptraum2788]

They’ll tell you you’re bad, different and wrong until you believe it. They’ll say it until it’s true.

[@cindybriden372]

You hit everything I have been experiencing or have experienced. Thank you!!

[@samdavinchi1624]

Thanks a lot for your incredible useful video.. As the only son between 3 sisters, I can clearly see the I've been the scapegoat in the family