Narcissists PURPOSEFULLY Misunderstand You

[@ValerieM-o9z]

The past two days, he has told me everything that he truly thinks about me and I saw how off it was, and I remember this quote that my friend recently said that some people are committed to misunderstanding you and that’s exactly what I felt. I have started to question myself sometimes, but I do have a therapist that reminded me that that is a manipulation tactic and then thank God I found this video. This video is everything I’ve been experiencing with this narcissist. Normally, I would want to prove that he’s incorrect, but his perceptions that he expressed were so committed to misunderstanding me to the point that I finally realized that no matter what I do, it will not make a difference and now I’m finally starting to let go, because it was so outrageously off, stayed around and accepted that reality that he was stating I would go into an alternate reality where he is in full control and will ruin me like I will emotionally die

[@suzukigirlis1236]

It never stops.. no matter how much you give them the benefit of the doubt; a fresh start repeatedly .. it just goes on and on. You want to believe they don’t understand, but after awhile , it’s impossible not to see THEY do understand you but want to confuse you so you doubt yourself.

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

Exactly! It's hard to believe people behave in those ways, I know...BUT, Hijackals DO!

[@JennyAmigo31]

👍🏼 yes!!!

[@debralondon2402]

So true. Sad

[@shirleyguinyard8183]

Yes they love to deflect and turn it around on you.

[@Uberqueenbee]

It's a precursor to malicious incompetence.

[@karenherrera287]

I like " So very passive-aggressive ly they do what they want and then they blame you."

[@MissEmeraldgreen77]

They are possibly looking for an emotional response from you as well. They would LOVE to make you look like the ‘problem’ or look unstable.

[@shirleyguinyard8183]

This is my Narcissist Husband he say and do things to make people think I'm jealous of him especially on the job with our coworkers

[@M.L89-u8f]

sounds like my toxic old co-workers. They would take anything I said out of context to make it seem like I was dumb or evil, ironically, they also had a habit of bullying all of the neurodivergent or disabled people at our job (I'm neurodivergent with an auto-immune disease, so of course they weren't gonna like me). I knew something was off because, they were a little too good at pretending to be open-minded people...while shaming me for not doing tasks perfectly. Fairly, obvious I was disabled, but they didn't care.

[@angelacahill9460]

That was my father's favorite cop out. My sister created herself to be his mini me. I just caught her red handed trying to confuse me in an argument by changing the subject multiple times, and called her out as a gaslighter and a liar. She walked away, flipping me off. Confirmation that I called it accurately.

[@Hanna3471-r9q]

I ended up with a hyjackle roster coordinator with NDIS. I ended up giving up on arguing my point. They started accusing me of being abusive to my support coordinator which iv just met. This was because I reacted and defended myself. I have decided to move on and have no help while finding another provider. This women causes so much flare up with my illness than it's worth. I used to be in an abusive relationship on and off for 6 years. This is what my body used to do when I was in that relationship. My body tells me when someone isn't right for me. "You don't need to make someone wrong to know that they're not right for you." Well said.

[@Standownevil]

They always say, “IF ONLY YOU’d speak these words so I can understand!” I’m like what part of NO don’T you get????

[@reesecup3ify]

I've watched many of your videos and haven't heard you address the "thought crime" aspect of gaslighting that highjackals employ. Over 90% of fights with my husband start because he accuses me of injecting some alleged negative "tone" in the way I speak to him that makes him feel inferior and thereby justifies my character being ripped to shreds constantly.

[@karenherrera287]

I remember saying that I didn't get how playing stupid was something anyone would benefit from. I called this purpose full misunderstanding as "acting stupid."

[@Standownevil]

I’m leaving them! For good:) it’s so demeaning to be misunderstood as a tactic to be unaccountable so they garble any real solution!!

[@annoravetz5908]

I had so many supervisors and bosses who did this. Always beating around the bush, never giving a straight answer. My brothers and sisters do this in conversation. They steer things away mid-sentence from the point you want to make, and then they go off on a tangent.

[@1948rambo]

These people are so rough! Not understanding this will kill you!!!

[@cinduhughes3351]

They love hurting u they laugh when u try to find out why

[@Winner1-c2u]

This last narc "friend" knew I was no contact with my sons. Day before Mothers day she invites me for dinner and proceeds to go on about phone calls from her sons and grandchildren knowing my history. On Mothers Day she texted and wanted to bring Danish over because "she knew how hard this day must be for me." That's a no. I saw her fully and went no contact as much as able as she lives across the street. Turned my neighbors against me now as well. They are truly an evil bunch of people. I tell you growing up with this, married to this, etc. I am being forced into growing the biggest teeth and a backbone I will no longer compromise so they are more comfortable. I am reaching out to you at the end of the month. Your lived experience very helpful. My gratitude.

[@heavyjoechipman3594]

As a lifelong, scapegoated, black sheep, I just gotta say it again. Aside from being a smart, intellectual, being that I have deep respect and Revere for. Dr. Shaler dear, you're a hot babe! Thanks for being there for so many of us ♥️🙂👍

[@percystreet]

THEY HAVE AN ANSWER TO EVERY QUESTION, BUT EVERY ANSWER IS THE SAME.......AND NOT THE ANSWER TO ANY QUESTION (YOU ASKED) - IT'S A GAME, IT'S JUST A GAME

[@KaileeHannig-lw4dc]

I just want to thank you. I'm currently in the middle of a triangulation and the narcissist has targeted my boyfriend and his family. I'd like to run but being slightly broken it's been hard to leave the animals I love and learn to stand back on my own 2 feet. I k ow I'm capable due to the fact I raised 3 children who all do rather well andi was a single mother. But honestly I do thank you

[@dragonclaws9367]

He "forgets" everything. Important things. Any plans he made with me, he pretends he never said it. He will be abusive then pretend it never happened. He plays dumb every day of his life. I realized he just wasn't listening a long time ago. So I stopped talking. "That doesn't sound like something I would say" when I quote him directly. I gave up long ago. He only cares about his own life. It's lonely don't get me wrong but I don't waste my time waiting for him to give a damn. But I am depressing so he can't cope with me. Okay selfish. This man read my diary and referred to it as a "book of lies" I presume because it chronicled his abuse including him encouraging me to take my own life. The fact he lied and said he wanted marriage including a small ring, then blew me off was the last straw of belief. That is when his house of bs crumbled in my mind. That is when it became easier for me to see the facts of how he was behaving never mind what he said. Real world evidence would not allow me to lie to myself any more. I feel devastated but it is the truth of it.

[@debralondon2402]

True. So sad. They get you to sacrifice your life happiness to get what they wanted, NOT what WE wanted and made you believe they agreed with you but in reality they NEVER did. So very very sad and wasted time of your life falsely.

[@cinduhughes3351]

They have no soul like to make u crazy making n worry plain. E. V. I. L

[@reesedaniel5835]

They have a soul. What they lack is the Spirit of God. They have another spirit (of the serpent). That's why they hate and envy us.

[@Standownevil]

When they say I AM SO CONFUSED!! I say confusion is NOT of God! FIGURE IT OUT! EGO makes it that way!!

[@lesriley2062]

😂😂😂 cause it’ll be a grown ass adult acting like we need a damn translator, when we’re both speaking the same American English . I cannot ! Playin dumb with me is actually not safe lol I’m glad you are nicer about it ❤

[@Standownevil]

@@lesriley2062 it’s like such cowardly way to deal! Right? Thank you ☺️ for caring! You are awesome :)

[@notagain779]

Wow.....This is so, so true. I thought my sister and I could come to an understanding. NOPE! Not happening. Over time it became clear to me that there were so many hidden jealousies in her going back YEARS. For such things as, people liked me. I was hard working, and had self confidence when she did not. People complimented me in front of her. (NOT OKAY) It took so much time for me to connect the dots. What a waste of human potential, you know? For both of us. It seems nutty.

[@PeterShaw-ne1yq]

They carry grudges forever🫤

[@angelacahill9460]

Same here. It's sad and pathetic. I'm kinda mad and sad now that I got stuck with her as my only sister. I feel like I got gypped.

[@ellaj17]

My roommate has not kept his word on anything, has not shown up for me as a friend to help me move furniture, just not following through on his word. There's also a few other weird things happening and I've created boundaries once the vulgar comments got to be too much. He noticed that I've become distance and asked if we could talk. During the conversation asking if we could talk, I use my tools that I've learned to fill out whether he truly wanted to come together with me and have an understanding is real friends. I've tried to fill out whether this talk would be pointing fingers at me or if it would be both of us taking accountability for ourselves, coming together with a new plan and moving forward as friends. So I asked a question. I asked him if we talk would he be able to understand my disappointment of him not keeping his word. I asked him how something like this would make him feel. He looked me in the eye, and said that it would not bother him at all. He said people do what they want and it would not bother him at all if I never kept my word over anyting. This episode is needed for me right now because I knew I needed to assess whether he was genuine, I did that, he proved that he wasn't and he pretended not to understand how hurtful his behavior has been. It's releasing a person from trying to raise others and teach them how to be a better person out of love, once we understand that they know what they're doing. They know exactly what they're doing. I saved myself from any further emotional abuse and I chose not to have this talk, he keeps trying to initiate. All he has to do is come to me and apologize and take accountability for the things that he's let me down on but instead he wants to find some things that I've done wrong which is nothing LOL other than my frustration in reaction to his behavior. I let him know there is nothing to discuss and I'll be leaving soon.. so it's one thing to feeling your gut that something is not right when you're face-to-face with someone. But it's really freeing to know what's happening to you and be able to navigate it with tools... While it's happening. Looking forward to navigating life without feeling like I've been duped by others over and over after the fact. I can catch it in the moment now, not get upset, not feel attached. Choose my own sanity and move on without any regret. Thank you Dr Roberta! For making all of this learning so accessible to us. Now I'm looking forward to identifying other normal humans

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

You're so welcome! Good for you for recognizing this and changing your perspective on what's best for you.

[@gabrielleaumont3971]

Well done!

[@casperinsight3524]

That's a great perspective ! Looking forward to finding healthy minded people ☮

[@gabrielleaumont3971]

Dear Dr. Rhoberta, Many thanks foe all the work you do, for sharing, teaching and encouraging your audience. As you said, several years ago there were no such services, very few books. Many of us..like you said, had to figure things out for ourselves..the hard way.

[@SowPeaceNow]

Yes, often the very hard way!

[@cinduhughes3351]

Why ppl behave like this so sad

[@melodysanquist4834]

Wow! Yes, He wanted me to send him a ‘nude’. I was hoping he wasn’t serious but I was very clear about being against that for a number of reasons. Number 1, my grandson plays with my phone and electronics so he would see it, etc. Twice he brought it up and twice I shut him down. So he sends me a nice of himself then tells me “I sent you a nude and now you have to send me one”. He really creeped me out after he pulled that

[@Standownevil]

My confrontation LEAVING

[@pattyrooney1323]

Thank you for sharing your knowledge.

[@KazWinchester]

I've been yelled repeatedly and then told to stop screaming or why are you screaming? when I respond. Which always hurt or upset me, which I realize is them trying to get the attention away from their bad behaviors/words. The added hurt is also because they know im always afraid to be misunderstood. Which im realizing they play off that fear. The hard part is emotional detaching when it's your family. But im trying.

[@peat_dont_repeat]

They will speak to you this way and then say COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING. Then they tell you they can not speak to you because you are never happy

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

Yes, they'll say whatever they need to say in any moment in order to "win", "be right." It's crazy-making!

[@knetherly8401]

Wow 😢

[@Chris-dw7gq]

😂 Funny because this just happened with a friend. I wrote I don’t feel respected and heard. He called up angry and left a message how cruel that is to say! He says I don’t understand texts. I want a phone call. He constantly will call if he cannot get his way like "It's raining and I can't sleep outside," but it is ok if he cancels and puts me out of my way. I just texted I don’t want to meet in my house, clearly stated. How about, "You won't have any friends." Ha! Thank you! I hope you are ok. ❤

[@melissajkrebbs]

It’s maddening to pour your heart out into a very clear, concise explanation of what your heart is feeling just to have one phrase/sentence/term turned into something you DID NOT say and make you look like a jerk so they can make you look bad. Or you pour your feelings into a text only to receive a one or two word response, if you get one at all. I can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me. The worst is when you send a text just to say I love you and miss you to receive nothing over and over. Yes, I finally stopped begging my daughter to love me back. It was ridiculous and I had to stop asking for just the bare minimum. I’m worth more than the crumbs. It’s a mind screw to be gaslit in this way. I had to allow myself to know I’m not crazy. She’s no longer allowed to live rent free in my brain any longer. It’s sickening to think that these people find joy in this tactic. Apologizing for something I didn’t do. I had to stop the madness. 🤯🤯🤯🤯

[@veronicalagor4771]

What did you say?

[@melissajkrebbs]

@@veronicalagor4771 After much agony and being hurt to the point of having a seizure I went silent. It’s the hardest thing but it brings peace.

[@meanneperea8031]

They are pure evil

[@Standownevil]

I never lay hands on people and I even GIVE MY LIFE if they need to take it! Telling them that too! What’s that called? I’m a martial artist and yet not once have I used it to protect myself from my family!!! I always go into shock and them they lay hands on me hitting me with their limits hard in my head!! I’ve been so viciously beaten I still have a dent in my head!!! It started with my dad ended with my beloved DAUGHTER! This betrayal of me the “mother” who always was there for my children and sought out good relationship, now WANTS NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH THIS FAMILY! I look at my mistakes and started reading self help books at 16 to find out what is wrong with me! I’m hurt too much now that my body is damaged!!!!!!!!!! I’m leaving and may never have contact again even though I love them 💙 it’s SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK

[@gabrielleaumont3971]

Be brave seek help/ counselling. Save yourself.

[@Standownevil]

@@gabrielleaumont3971 thank you ☺️

[@KleeKaiPuppies]

I know a narc who constantly wants a raise and is already overpaid and has done nothing to deserve a raise. When you over pay a narc to make them happy, it will not make them happy. It will only make the narc want more. Narcs are not capable of being satisfied and appreciative and content. I had to finally realize this and I had to stop trying and having false hope.

[@Monkchip]

Yes and they tell you that you're waay smarter than them, so they can keep asking ....

[@BexLovesLife]

Ooh! I will buy your books on passive aggression! It's something my brother calls out frequently in others when it is not true. But I called him out on it recently and he lost his mind. Then his sentences turned to comments such as, oh I had better not say 'x' in case you think I'm being passive aggressive. Then this is shortly followed by a passive aggressive comment! Thank you SO much for helping to unravel my confusion. I never realised my brother was like this until recent events. I felt so bad, but now I kind of feel like dancing because you are saying everything that happened! So I know I'm not bad and it wasn't me. I have seen his moods before but not experienced all of this since I was a child. I have been totally blindsided by his behaviour. He would hate to know that he is just like his father in this respect! I won't be telling him that though as he hates our father. Just Wow! I can't wait to read your books! Thank you! ❤️❤️❤️

[@marieborges-boldt7019]

Thank you Doctor Rhoberta for this excellent HELPFUL video🤗

[@gloriadonahue7241]

When I would be talking my ex narc he would always say to me... "I'm dying from lack of interest."

[@gabrielleaumont3971]

And he aint dead yet?

[@garyfebbi7333]

Absolutely on point.. 100 percent..

[@BexLovesLife]

Thank you. You are absolutely amazing! You have helped so much. I can breathe know knowing what happened and seeing it from 4 steps back. I will stay 6 steps back and live my life. I just need to heal this in myself as I still have such a pit in my stomach and pain in my hesrt. But it will pass. Good luck to everyone choosing to keep their sanity and stepping back xo❤️

[@trublgrl]

I know someone like this. I keep asking her how she's going to fix the economy and she just tells me she's from a middle class family and then rambles on 'til I'm so sick of hearing her I don't care about the question any more.

[@rascallyrabbit]

i hope you are ok. the 02 is a bit alarming

[@SuperThalberg]

AMAZING INSIGHT! You are fantastic!

[@PeterShaw-ne1yq]

Yes! The way they are hard-wired; they are poured concrete - but, the next day 😕

[@BexLovesLife]

Gosh. This video is fascinating and covers what I am going through with my brother! He was on my case for something that he always is. I always stay quiet but I've had enough of that at 41! I asked him to please not mention that again as it is unhelpful. He said it was 'just a joke' and that I'm way too sensitive and over the top. He deflected and tried to gaslight me into believing that I do a certain thing numerous times when I see him, which I do not. So I was confused about my reality, bit then saw right through it! I said to him that he is misunderstanding me! I asked if we can talk so he could understand what I was saying. He said no. He didn't want to talk. He is done with the conversation. That he is not going to read any of my messages. Tried to gaslight me some more. Then said some horrible things and he won't talk to me for years now and I know he has disowned me as his sister. BUT all of this is 'my fault' and I am the 'bad person' and he will be busy telling all the family how bad I am. OR he will not say anything and pretend it didn't affect him, as if I never mattered in his life. I'm confused. My heart hurts. And I have a huge pit in my stomach I can't seem to get rid of. Meanwhile I know he won't feel a thing because I have seen him do this with others. I always thought from what he said that they were in the wrong. But I see now that they weren't and I feel bad for the hurt he caused them. I am going to binge so much of your content tonight. Thank you from the bottom of my hesrt!!! xo❤️❤️❤️ I cannot express how grateful I am for your content! Now I will be able to unravel my confusion and understand this better.

[@percystreet]

Particularly difficult when you are in discussions about trying to rescue your relationship - getting them to change their behaviour in compromise.

[@BexLovesLife]

The thing that gets me is, he will happily choose to cut me out of his life. If I respond then I am playing into his game. But if I choose not to respond, he will say to family, oh well since she hasn't replied, then our relationship wasn't worth snything anyway and 'have a reason' to back up him disowning me as no longer his sister! It's heartbreaking. It's so confusing. I would never do this just for control or to be right. I would rather just love the person, or agree to disagree! I would rather have them in my life. I thought my brother had such a big heart, but then I had this behaviour unleashed on me and holy crap! I'm.still shocked. Howcan you treat loved ones like this? Does it mean that I actually never meant anything to him? As much as it will hurt me (and not him!) I think I will just remove myself from his life. Save him the trouble. I would rather keep my sanity! Especially knowing that ge could care less if I wasn't in his life. I thought we had a loving and fun relationship, but then bam. I stood up for mysel in a loving and respectful way - Oops, that was the 'wrong move'! I'm still shocked and confused. Even though I spent nearly 13 years with a narcissist and learnt a lot about it - I never saw this coming!

[@rcmit5609]

How timely is this video!! I have a new job with the admin doing this very thing when I talk about a problem within the organization.

[@percubit10]

I know they do it on purpose. People are freaking stupid and selfish.

[@teddyber6337]

Half truth as if they fully understood they will not play the same tune

[@debralondon2402]

So true. So sad. So wrong to do to a person who trusted them.

[@MB-px7ml]

My (typical) verbatim conversation yesterday with hijackal over his medication: Me: Okay so you need to take the purple pills next. Hijackal: okay so I can take the purple or orange pills next

[@lesriley2062]

I wasn’t even there but I feel like I was lol

[@angelayaung7417]

I really like you Doctor ! You are gracious and informative , clear and genuine and beautiful inside and out ! I am with a hijackal

[@Standownevil]

I stand up to my abusers and it got me hurt thrown out and homeless!!! Yep still there since 2011!!!!

[@sandi2490]

Every time I talk to my sister I want to record the conversation!

[@reesedaniel5835]

She wouldn't listen to it even if you did.

[@BexLovesLife]

It hurts to know that my brother can use these tactics against me. To know that he has zero respect for me and I have no value in his life. Otherwise how could he brush off an entire relationship just for the sake of him needing to gain control? He is so happy to never have a relationship with me no longer being his sister for the rest of our lives, just for the sake of control and one-upping me? I'm still so confused at how someone can be so cold! Go from supposed loving family member to - nope you're dead to me, all for control?! I don't understand why or how you can do this to a loved one. I guess I never was a loved one to him, and knowing that - it explains a lot. I was just there for his emotional support or wellbeing or to help him fanancially. Well, he will get a shock when we sell our home and he asks for money, which he will. It will be a big fat no. Then I really will no longer be part of his life. But for once I will stand my ground. I refuse to be treated like that then have to act like nothing ever happened because he did 'nothing wrong' and that I'm the bad person.

[@simplysavvylife]

All true

[@PeterShaw-ne1yq]

They are ornary, like a skunk has white livery, best not to not to prod, poke or provoke😕

[@cynthialucasmoore6106]

Dr. Shaler thank you for giving me the answers,,," do they know , ? Best answer in the world for me.. yes, resounding YES .. my exhusband , his girlfriend died and he came straight to me. He said " third time, is a charm!" it's gonna work...i live with my grandson's. Mother,. I told my middle son, that we both knew why i came back from NH. I said " now you have all the time with him , told my youngest son, his father,,the person found guilty by 12 of his peers .. that i moved back to Georgia , to spend time with my grandson David..and to re- connect with my youngest son,,,he has been doing meth more on than off these drugs since 1998 July ....so no I'm not going back and praying God directs my path, and this podcast solidified, the question ,,do they know they are doing this? I got my voice,,Ist time,,,in New Hampshire,,,i was 45 yrs old my mother used to drag me from room to room,,, saying i didn't sweep behind the doors etc. I felt like i married my mother Was beaten up in Pa. Before we married...my father said " anyone can change" i called AA, cause be said he'd kill me if he came home and still therd, i was drinking beer and made a remark about the ladies clothes come iff as you drink a beer....before we married. For 14 years...my oldest and his 2 brothers 10, and 11, whom i checked them out of school and i told them to tell thejr dad, we were going to her house. This reson i left was because, their dad had beaten my youest and Middle son, actually tried hang himself. Back in2019..).he was living in NH getting therapy before coming down to Ga.,..his father saying he had a heart attack on Friday but waited til Monday to go to the hospital. He is man of the middle ages,,,so he says, he knows every thing. I really appreciate you very much for providing the Truth .. purposely doing all this ..... just learned last year what a narcissist was and behaviors... He was charged with child abuse and mental behaviors,,,the charges were made a misdemeanor 6 month of child abuse and thereby giving him the power to have a gun. He , the father, also came to NH while the abuse charges were going ,,he kidnapped my oldest son. .and was met with a $ twelve hundred dollar fine in Ga. And put in jail for 2 nights..and a thousand dollar fine .my children are mentally exhausted as i am. I really need some advice Its been 26 years later and his dad i don't trust

[@cynthialucasmoore6106]

He actually told me I didn't make enough money...so 10 years later

[@cynthialucasmoore6106]

She died 22nd of November, 2022

[@KazWinchester]

Thank you for email tip btw!

[@christinaherren]

Yep, now how do I deal with this.

[@jodiecatlin3790]

Oh the monotony! For real?!

[@cinduhughes3351]

My dad would rage n abuse us n mom we're only here to take care of them don't care our needs

[@celesteconcepcion3376]

According to the highjackal, Im a liar, cheater,prostitute ,user and piece of crap because Im taking care of my 77 year old mother in end stage cancer because I didn't answer his call. And I think Im a goddess because I'finally have a job and dont have to beg him for money.

[@Gowardh]

God bless you sweet heart say Jesus is Lord God bless

[@jocestr]

🙏

[@Jess-wk5jo]

My questions for you over affairs. 1 is it turth that Not every affair involves sex. ARE still affair or do people need sex for affair or cheating to happen ur not. 2 are you really sure it affair without having no no sex 3 What another ways to have affair or cheat on someone without having no sex .x. 4 is it turth that Cheating doesn't always have to involve sex or even talking about sex.

[@sabinegolding2950]

There is emotional cheating, which doesn’t involve sex.

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

Here's my video about that: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rny9polmdtGarMk

[@emmarae4322]

Emotional affair is an affair.

[@ValerieM-o9z]

The past two days, he has told me everything that he truly thinks about me and I saw how off it was, and I remember this quote that my friend recently said that some people are committed to misunderstanding you and that’s exactly what I felt. I have started to question myself sometimes, but I do have a therapist that reminded me that that is a manipulation tactic and then thank God I found this video. This video is everything I’ve been experiencing with this narcissist. Normally, I would want to prove that he’s incorrect, but his perceptions that he expressed were so committed to misunderstanding me to the point that I finally realized that no matter what I do, it will not make a difference and now I’m finally starting to let go, because it was so outrageously off, stayed around and accepted that reality that he was stating I would go into an alternate reality where he is in full control and will ruin me like I will emotionally die