Narcissists Seek Transactions, Not Relationships

[@LinYouToo]

They want things. They want attention. They are takers. Once in a while they give but they always give to get.

[@Corinna_Schuett_GER]

"Do ut des" (in Latin: "give and you shall be given") is the common moral code between Roman Catholics but they twisted the bible completely. Narcs altogether. They only give to expect you to give back.

[@oliviamiller7434]

And the only thing wrong is you don’t try hard enough. So you keep trying.

[@tinachristine4573]

Totally. It's almost like receiving bribes so that you put up with the abuse.

[@LinYouToo]

Tina Christine and they have a way of knowing when they’ve pushed too far and then go and do something over the top to “reset” the relationship. Took me awhile to see how that works.

[@riyamitraministries]

Very rightly said!

[@godisholy7067]

They certainly create their own reality and when you don’t play along it makes them angry.

[@eunicejazz98]

That's right. Once my sister got angry at me and didn't talk to me for a month because she that I dislike her friend. As soon as she said it, I told her I don't dislike your friend. But didn't believe me. She believed her own thought. Since she can't keep any friendships they don't talk to one another any more.

[@prittyugly86]

And when they are angry... it's best to LOL at them... then they get all confused

[@TheNikki284]

I can relate to this, but it was my covert narc sister who didn't like MY friend. In fact, she was upset that I had re-connected with this friend because it took me out of the house and gave me somewhere to go. someone to talk to. This did not sit well with sister. Well, one day this friend was over the house and my sister comes in after not seeing this friend for years. Instead of pulling up a chair, she takes out the vacuum and starts vacuuming all around us while we're visiting and talking about ordering a pizza to the house. All the while she's vacuuming, she's rattling off a list of chores she needs to do "because nobody helps her" which is patently false. The grand finale was that she, knowing that it would embarrass me tremendously, announced- completely unprovoked- that she had once loaned me money for student loans. Nevemind the awful circumstances that were going on in my life at the time of the loan. My jaw dropped and I wanted to crawl under the table and cry. When I looked up at my sister, she had this sick and twisted gleam in her eye like it felt so good for her to say that. My friend looked over at me like "I'm sorry, what just happened?" I saw my sister's true colors that day and they are hideous. Years later I confronted her about this incident. Her response, "Well, if she's your friend then why shouldn't she know?" with that same evil grin on her face.

[@prittyugly86]

@@TheNikki284 omg you should have left the room right away. But yeah that gleam in the eye is when they are feeding off the negativity it's actually demonic, pretty much a waking life succubus. When she started the vacuum I would have been like "hey, are you okay? You seem angry wanna get something off your chest?" Then when they are all flustered saying no buuuust up laughing uncontrollably. They hate to be laughed at if you can use humor you will literally see their blood boil. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@scorpionsoracle3465]

When i feel confused or about to buy a bag of lies from my ex i watch some of these videos and i toughen back up.

[@heliaalves9062]

Whenever you feel tempted to go back, just ask yourself "Do I want to suffer everything he has made me suffer and more?" I can guarantee it will instantly prevent you from making the same mistake again. I hope you heal fully and get to be really happy with a genuine, caring, altruistic guy 💖

[@jeanaallison7236]

Me, too. 😪❤

[@fingerprint5511]

Which is why I am commenting again. 😎

[@notagain779]

Scorpion's Oracle, stay strong!

[@marlenedelmore5188]

I needed this today. Thank you

[@ayliea3974]

Imagine marrying someone like this when you are young and healthy and very naive. And then years later, when you develop a chronic illness, your narcissistic spouse is disgusted with you, furious, like you're a broken appliance that broke down after the warranty expired.

[@Free2B3]

@Thankful Daughter OMG that is so true! I had to explain to my xhusband many many times over a long period of time how I felt (and still feel, he did effect my already low self esteem) like a flawed piece of equipment when I got pregnant with his first and only child! Of course his mask dropped and all the love bombing came to a sudden stop, the mean side surfaced and the complaints started rolling even through his mom, not even directly to me so I'd have a fair chance to 'negotiate' in this transaction he calls marriage, all that happened when, as per his mom, I couldnt keep up with the house chores, cooking his meals and doing his laundry! So ridiculously selfish. You can tell who he got his narcassism from..ughh! I told him for gods sake I am not sick of cancer (with due respect and wishes for recovery and wellness to all cancer patients) or any deadly disease I was carrying your child!! His inflated ego and massive sense of entitlement and stubborness were out of this world. Well, I am glad I stood my grounds and refused to let this abuse pass so I kept bombard him with the truth until he discarded me, they cant handle the truth! Good riddance.

[@decoy2636]

julie wolf I don't have to imagine your comment. It's reality here. The devastation is real and I hope we both overcome this reality. I married at 18 and now I'm 57 and the divorce is in process. Two more months and freedom then who knows how long it will take to heal. Only God can know at this point. I feel your pain, Best Wishes

[@justlearning8695]

@@decoy2636 good luck with your journey. Me too, married at 19 and now 60 years old, a lifetime of misery and confusion. Also I the process of divorce and the hovering has begun!!!! If I don't go now I might as well shackle myself to him and throw away the key.

[@jeanmintz9194]

That is going on in my life right now,i found out to late that he never loved me is just using me to be his servant....😪

[@marlabc2563]

julie wolf. I don’t have to imagine that happening. It did to me, too.

[@brigitb4850]

This explains why the narcissist gets so outraged when you break the transaction. You’re not a person, you’re a commodity that doesn’t understand your role. So it is your fault and that entitles them to destroy you.

[@j..6900]

Wow so many so good comments here, like yours! If one dares to break the transaction they treat you like a POS! No matter how many yrs. you did spend "with" them.

[@brigitb4850]

j. τ. Yes it seems we have all experienced the same things and had the same confused reactions. I and probably most everyone else here was primed by a narcissist family member. I didn’t understand why my family who knew me as a good and fair person refused to stand up for me. But now I realize my narcissist mother had been undermining me. I was the only daughter in my family and so my father and brothers believed she knew me. And she controlled everyone regardless of the relationship they had with me.

[@j..6900]

@@brigitb4850 I'm so sorry, I hope you can cope with it 💗 The own mother! My parents, my brother and other family members were / are narc.'s more or less. And I married a covert one.. , - even to me this sounds unbelievable, but to know it now helps some.

[@lyndaklodt9582]

Not going to happen. Blocked and done. It's infuriating to the Narcissist to get no reaction.

[@christar9527]

Exactly! Imagine having TWO of them for parents!!

[@wendellignatin1228]

narcissists can not look at themselves. they create a false identity and want to live through that identity. anyone who tells them that reality is wrong has to be dismissed, defeated or marginalized.

[@Mike-xt2lh]

Spot on been saying the exact same thing for awhile . Like you basically just copied and pasted everything I've stated before on other narc awareness channels .

[@marvelus3448]

wendell ignatin I’ve learnt it’s “ Dipsychos,” which is a false soul. That false self/ soul can never rest. It’s unable to rest! It’s always consuming and feeding off others. Be it Emotions, Praise, Money. Material things Etc A normal functioning soul works and then requires rest!

[@wendellignatin1228]

yes, yes. they are like vampires.They need to feed off of people.

[@susannakotoff7095]

Yep! Like their perception of their life, childhood,marriage and about their church. False narratives Then u realize you really can t even have a conversation with them dealt with reality.

[@wendellignatin1228]

Narcissists don't like facts!

[@dtmdanthaman7305]

Before I married, my wife had told me a relationship was nothing more than a business arrangement. I saw no red flag. Had I known.

[@fingerprint5511]

Amazing isn't it, objectifying living beings. I hope you are ok.

[@jamesmcmccray8255]

Same here

[@1Pineapple]

@@justChrisjones To find reason in this saying, I have probably said something similar to this, but that is most because I fear the financial commitment of a marriage and I believe marriage will be a good business arrangement for the narcissist! I have not been in a relationship where my savings weren't taken advantage of and I feel like I could MUCH easier be taken advantage of if I were married to those people than I've already been when my money is on my personal account. For now they've at least had to ask me kindly and get around my reasoning somehow😇

[@1Pineapple]

@@Craig121000 I think that was a good decision for everyone, and good day to you too 😊👌🌸

[@dirkusmaximus9268]

DMT danthaman My sister also not saw that red flag....Sadly. He wanted to marry, enchain her, she just wanted to be a couple. Then he forced her:: you marry me, or it is over. Marriage by emotional chantage...

[@Nancy-yw1rr]

My narc husband told me that he's "sick of relationships". How could he be when he's never actually had one?

[@gina333]

Nancy L lmfao my narc dad told my mom after 30 years of “marriage” that marriage and family “isn’t for him.”

[@Nancy-yw1rr]

@@gina333 I'm so sorry. They are completely selfish, uncaring a$$holes.

[@Andromeda_M31]

Sick of people who catch onto their game, sick of shallow encounters. They'll always seek out relationships because that way of life benefits them the most. When people cheat and overlap relationships, that's a dead giveaway for me they possibly have a personality disorder.

[@allisonthomas3910]

🤔😂

[@j..6900]

@Nancy L. But always looking for the next victim!

[@Miss_Wonderful1]

Oh, the time I wasted to explain to my ex that a relationship is interaction, team work, mutual trust and understanding. It's been like trying to empty the sea with a bucket 🙄

[@meredithheath5272]

Yup interaction - not a transaction!

[@TheQueensWish]

Yes it is such a waste of time. I know longer explain anything. I will say go look for yourself, or go ask them directly, or I don’t Know or who really knows or anything I can say to exit the conversation and thus prevent myself from being pulled down an endless rabbit hole that leads to the Mad Hatters table.

[@goldenfox5434]

That metaphor is so spot on 😂😂

[@jo-annahicks3324]

@@TheQueensWish ...love the Alice in Wonderland reference...yes...dealing with a Narcissist is like having the symptoms of a bad "trip"...that you feel you can't wake up from! The Queen of Hearts, in that movie/book is the perfect example of an overt narc/psychopath....lol... At least the Mad Hatter had mercury poisoning from the felting process, to explain HIS bizarre behaviour....unlike the Queen...lol...

[@terrikelly2762]

Yes yes yes. When I try to explain my needs.... "Youre just SO needy"

[@dyoung2739]

Definitely a transaction with a narc. You get more respect and love from the cashier at Walmart or completing a transaction at your local bank,even bank ATMs have now added a personal touch called VTMs. If a narc appears to care,there's always a motive behind it.

[@heliaalves9062]

True to the bone!

[@bradmcewen]

Isn't that sad. It's like I should have picked up on that right away instead of waiting for a "biscuit" that never comes.

[@mrp8173]

You just clarified the narc even more wow. Boy do iI wish I had this knowledge before becoming involved.

[@cpht2000]

So true, strangers show way more interest or concern than my own narc family!

[@sannydee]

D Moore at least a cashier says thanks and have a nice day

[@cp9023]

I raised his children after his first wife died. Once they left the nest the discard began by being distant, moody, increased demands, leaving the house for hours. I finally had enough and left.

[@marylim1494]

Protect your emotions and glad you move on...

[@ellengrace4609]

Candace Finch As others have said, Good for you!

[@Sparrow0514]

Mary Lim wow. I'm so sorry. I'm sure they have means of justifying themselves. They are clueless people about reality and we get sucked into their pull thinking we can save, seeing the good, etc

[@justlearning8695]

@@judyscheiber3661 thank you JLS, you give me hope. 40 years with a narc and just divorcing, it's the hardest thing I've ever done and not quite there yet, I let my boundaries down and he's now thinking everything is OK. How can I have spent all these years in total ignorance. Thank god for utube and doctor carter. Good luck to you in your new life.

[@Le60o]

What a wonderful human being you are ... to raise children who lost their Mum is so admirable... God bless you Candace ... now you go for it and be happy ✨

[@jonidietrich9658]

They are so sick and broken. I’m glad I got away as soon as I did. It’s a hopeless situation. Thank you for your guidance. Hi Gus💕

[@nd8610]

Joni: I like the happiness in you. It's really good to see and feel. .

[@jonidietrich9658]

N D Thank you. I really think part of it is just being open to the goodness in others from where I derive much joy.

[@TruthSeekerNC]

Yes! They are sick and broken! That's one of the reasons its so hard to walk away. You see the broken little boy or girl that's deep down inside of them just enough so that you think you can fix them or you can't bear to break them more. Its an emotional tug of war and, in the end, NO ONE wins.

[@jonidietrich9658]

Wanda Barefoot Ultimately, non of us is capable of “fixing” another person. With that knowledge we come to understand that we can only fix ourselves if motivated. Our own person is the only one we’ll ever have control over. Find someone who doesn’t need fixing and grow together in friendship and, perhaps, love later on.....and be happy together. Life is so much more satisfying for both that way. All the best to you.💐

[@TruthSeekerNC]

@@joseenoel8093 Oddly I never felt threatened. He was more about the mental breakdown. Keep me broken mentally and I would never leave because I could never believe I was worthy of anyone else. Which worked. The sucker punch was that HE discarded ME. Once I started to defend myself a little I was out the door which made the mental anguish even worse because then I felt like I wasn't even good enough for him.

[@christarmypurple6436]

Things become more clear as each day goes by

[@amymor2559]

"I think you deserve a whole lot better than just being the object of someone's transaction." Thank you dearly Dr. Les. I really needed that :)

[@littlebuzybodi]

This is devastating as realisation sinks in, but it has also sparked a hot burn. Thank-you Dr.Carter.

[@lissacablerware8475]

littlebuzybodi yes, realisation is only the beginning... the heartache takes longer to sort out 😕

[@SuperQdaddy]

They are motivated by money...love to them is nothing special.

[@23dynesha]

Sounds like my narc husband..its always about money with him I have to hear on a daily what bills he have like I dont pay my share of the bills as well.he dont feel appreciated for what he do..he wants all the control..he bought me a little chevy spark that I'm grateful for dont get me wrong and told him this and showed him I was grateful..but everytime he feels like belittling me after I caught him cheating on me for a whole year he wants to fight with me and take the keys from me and tell me I'm not shit on top of all that after I just had this man's first child..he makes it seem like I should be grateful just to be in his presence..

[@christar9527]

So true. I have come to realize that this was what my entire family was about. If you have money, you have worth. I had none due to a disability from an assault, so I became useless junk to them. Only they wouldn’t beat up junk before throwing it out like they did to me.

[@suzanne4396]

From the very beginning he made it clear that money and the material things you can get with it, is the most important thing. The only things that matters. I told him that that's very shallow and how empty that mindset is. And he blustered and said that was only because I didn't have it.. and when I detailed the things that I have that are worth so much more... he belittled them.. because he'll never have those things.

[@estellepatella2520]

Narcissists are opportunistic and exploitive. Everybody they meet is a potential mark.

[@notagain779]

estelle patella, yes, and I've noticed that they go through TONS of people. They're always on the prowl, and no one is special, even though they're very practiced at making you feel special ...... until that starts feeling really fake because it's discordant with their other behaviors. (exploitative manipulations).

[@krisscanlon4051]

con artists and grifters

[@Skylark_Jones]

"After everything I've done for you!" That's the response I got after being betrayed and scapegoated by this person, the statement that that individual made after I'd called them out on their bad behaviour and the myriad excuses for it. No reciprocation in that statement: no recognition of all the things big and small I'd done for them too: instead trying to shame me. Until that statement I didn't even realise they were keeping a check list. The narcissists usually win by convincing everybody else in their circle what an awful ingrate you are. Thankfully I no longer see that person. They use you, need you to be a satellite for their need to be envied and admired or as a foil for their success so that they can go to a third party and say "She envies me". And they love it.

[@Kimberlyelayyne]

I am so unbelievably broken from my last relationship with my ex boyfriend. He was a covert narcissist and I dont know how I will ever get past this pain and grief. I am hoping you all are on your path to healing.

[@lissacablerware8475]

Kimberly Elayyne whatever time it takes is worth it. The pain and grief eventually subside, then the realisation that you were consumed will abate and you are freed! I know this sadly from experience 🌸

[@heliaalves9062]

It was not your fault. You deserve to be appreciated and loved for who you are. I hope you heal fully and meet a really kind, altruistic guy to fall in love with.

[@yellowbird5411]

Try to keep in mind that your pain is not from losing who they really are, but from losing who you thought they were. It was an illusion, a hope, a dream, a belief. But it wasn't real. You invested in who you thought they were based on what they told you and the charades of being nice to get what they wanted. You thought they were sharing a mutual experience, but they weren't. I was with one for eight years, and when I found him running around behind my back, I thought I would die. I didn't die. It took a couple of years, though, before I admitted to myself that he was a taker, a liar, a sneak, etc. but I didn't realize he was a narcissist until the last year. We broke up 12 years ago. We are still in contact, but as distant friends. You will get through this. I promise.

[@debsabatino311]

Kimberly Elayyne, I believe coverts are the worst. They hide everything so we'll, you feel they are just quiet people with very deep feelings. Then you find out it was all a lie! The pain is unbearable at first. They get you to let your guard down and make you feel safe enough to give them your whole heart and soul just to find out they are cold hearted and soulless. I'm sorry you have to go through this, I know the pain too well. It will get better and your mind gets clearer and your eyes slowly open to the abuse you took.

[@ruchie3461]

Sending you love & light. Be strong & don’t be so hard on yourself 💕

[@j..6900]

"My" narc. literally told me: "You've to be functional!" These are so sick and twisted people! "He bought me as his property", when we got married! *Divorce in a few months 👍*

[@mojohnson5134]

j. τ. What??

[@j..6900]

@@mojohnson5134 I feel like he bought me, when we got married, it's an analogy 😉 Plus he really told me, I have to be functional!

[@VANVALIS]

What’s wrong with being functional?

[@j..6900]

@@VANVALIS Odd question of yours

[@VANVALIS]

j. τ. I just do t understand. What did he mean by that?

[@deedeewinfrey3181]

No wonder it feels like a bad business transaction.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

In economics there is a "trade-off"/"opportunity cost aka choice!

[@rjrcbzrd]

I'm in my second month of no contact. Healing pretty good, but still find it quite difficult to perform even basic day to day tasks. It's like a whirlwind inside my head. Your videos have been so helpful to me dealing with these overwhelming thoughts ever since I realised what a horror show I'd been in. Thank you for your guidance, advice and support.

[@missmerbella]

I repeatedly felt like he just wanted a “pretty girl,” not ME. And that was because it truly was transactional. *I* wasn’t involved. There was no desire or interest to get to know me. He didn’t care one iota about how I was feeling, what I wanted, what my hopes and dreams were, etc. Anything “emotional” about me was a bother to him. Everything was very surface-oriented. Any girl he found attractive would have sufficed.

[@bekkibuenviaje9680]

This explains so much about my mother’s behavior. I feel like puzzle pieces are falling into place.

[@tamartabatadze9305]

We are responsible for a lot, we spoil and encourage them, usually it happens in any relationship if a person is not very nice and kind. We have to know that we teach others how to treat us. I took abuse, and i take responsibility now, very sad i took it for years from different people. Narc or whatever , we should not let others use us

[@ATebbs1]

Thank you for describing this so well. This is what has hurt me the most because I really can’t understand how a person could treat another person this way. To a narcissist we are just a piece of property, once the property isn’t useful in their eyes they get rid of it. It hurts to be used. These people are awful. I don’t want to allow anyone like this back into my life ever again and I wish they didn’t exist.

[@Corinna_Schuett_GER]

*Protect your heart with all diligence; for out of it are all sources of life. (Proverbs **4:23**)* 🙏☝

[@delle3955]

Amen

[@Elizabeth-yg2mg]

Thank you for that.

[@pamcarter6595]

I feel like I have lived 35 years in a fog... Another great video Dr. Carter...💜💜

[@gloriabort8422]

One can also get sick living with a narcissists individual....transactions about money....they think Only about their advantage although They already have all The advantages since They are more financially secured. No Loving And Caring ! Or i call them Egoist . Thank You Dr.Carter! God bless You And your Family!

[@meredithheath5272]

Yup -"... they have all the monetary advantages already..."

[@knarf_on_a_bike]

"She" constantly, when talking (actually, yelling) of our relationship, says, "I didn't sign up for that," or, "that wasn't part of the deal." She will write up lists, essentially balance sheets, of who has done what, and use that as "proof" that she's right and I'm wrong. She continually tells me that she has put so much more into the relationship than I have. She never considers, or allows me to consider the intangibles. Love is an emotion. It's what I feel. It's not a ledger sheet. It's not always rational. At least not for me. But it is for her. . . Great vid again, Dr. Carter. Hits the nail on the head, as usual! Thank you for helping clarify this characteristic of narcissists.

[@americanmomma7674]

Critical Path love is a verb, an action. Something you DO. Not just something you feel. Words are easy, actions speak louder.

[@knarf_on_a_bike]

@@americanmomma7674 yes, love is both a verb and a noun, I get that. My point is that it's not a contractual obligation. I can love someone and get nothing back from them - nothing tangible anyway. We love newborn infants and they give nothing back to us but crying, poops and wet diapers. But we love them unconditionally. There's no ledger. One doesn't say, "Baby, what have you done for me lately? You're not holding up your end of the bargain!"

[@ellengrace4609]

Critical Path Are you still together?

[@knarf_on_a_bike]

@@ellengrace4609 LOL, yes. Hard to believe but true. As Frankie Valli said, Breaking up is hard to do, for a whole bunch of reasons. Extremely complicated situation. . .

[@ellengrace4609]

Critical Path I get it. Been there. Just saw an excellent video called How to Leave a Narcissist by Inner Integration. Worth watching even if you’re not planning to leave anytime soon: kzbin.info/www/bejne/eIjFiGamgdach9E

[@barbaralindhjem2488]

Truth, simple truth.....but so hard to accept

[@amyd1549]

Yes, you just cannot believe this is how your life turned out.

[@HuhisHere]

At 4 minutes you touched on at first they can act like they care about you. Exactly! They can skillfully position you to believe that they are great people until it is clear you are in a trap! :*(

[@AKS-rp2pv]

I fell for this type of relationship as an adult with my parents. It was what I knew as a child so it naturally went into my adult years. By the time I was finished playing along, my parents response was that I would no longer receive benefits from the family because I chose not to play along. That statement changed my entire view of them. I never realized how transactional the relationship was when that statement was made.

[@Corinna_Schuett_GER]

Usually, those type of parents will disinherit you in their will eventually if you broke the transaction scheme at some point. I've been there.

[@AKS-rp2pv]

@@Corinna_Schuett_GER my father already did that. My sister disowned me over email. At this point I don't want it to reach my children so it stops with me. It hurts but I don't want my son and daughter to experience the same insipid pain.

[@1aikane]

I have had these types cross my path. Cut them out of your life. It's the only solution. Great channel! Every video is helpful.

[@gramadidi]

Excellent as usual. Take away for me - don't build your self-esteem, well-being (and I might add their approval) around that person. As I'm learning more it is giving me the strength and confidence to set boundaries and build relationships with healthy people. Thank you for your videos, what a blessing. May the Lord bless you as you share your wisdom.

[@BlissOm_]

It’s always a one way deal, even when it’s just a friendship...simply exhausting 🙁

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's a good way to put it. Dr. C

[@alwaysmichellemaree2155]

Truth! My life revolves around orders and transactions, Period! No real conversations with true meaning.

[@sunnydaye5942]

Now to break the desire that some day it might be a relationship. Mind blowing. This video is perfect timing. Im going through so much relating to this transaction vs relationship.

[@aujkalenic4203]

44 yrs later and I still couldn't tell you the essence of my husband, it's as though he's not human, I am sincere in reporting this, sad

[@guadalupecastruita6762]

The most accurate description of a narcissistic person I ever heard! 👌🏼 Dr. Les you are the best! 🙌🏼 in other words they’re a pain in the rear, they’re too much to handle, just walk away...block them, don’t ever text them or leave open any possibility for them to come back and fool around with you anymore! They’re by far the closest thing to a psychopath! They got no feelings, no remorse, no empathy... no love, they’re dry inside, empty! 🤮🤮

[@guambyguambelle1864]

I think "transaction" is the perfect word to use. Thank you for your videos. They have helped me so much.

[@cliffp.8396]

You are exceptional in creating clarity on the problem of narcissism.

[@critchie]

YES! It’s like everything goes through a “return on investment” matrix. The “biggest bang for the buck of emotional/financial/ time investment.”

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

ROI. That's a good way to describe it. Dr. C

[@critchie]

Surviving Narcissism thanks, Dr C. This is how I figured it out before I knew what Narcissism was, or that is was even a “thing.” I realized that this relationship I was in, was based on ROI. And that ignoring me for a conversation with a stranger gave better bang for the buck.

[@critchie]

M B Yah! And love, intimacy, caring is not a good enough return.

[@notagain779]

Carol Ritchie, When I was 25, I told my father that I wanted to buy a motorcycle. He said, "I forbid it." This led to a discussion about my rights as an adult to buy one if I wanted to. His answer was that motorcycles are far too dangerous, and that I was an investment. He actually called me an "investment."

[@critchie]

Jeanog, its good to understand so that we don’t expect something different from them. His parent probably thought he was an investment too... not that it makes it OK, but sometimes understanding helps. 💕

[@aimeestutzman5823]

So true. When you realize the end result, it makes you not trust people and wonder what they want from you.

[@JoyZoneYT]

That is so true. They feel entitled to use sense of urgency and act like a toddler when things don't work their way. The enabler gives excuses to other people in that relationship on behalf of the narcissist, as the narcissist does not feel the need to explain him/her self. They will act as though they care about your feelings while gaslighting and manipulating the enabler into believing that they have the moral high ground, mocking others, and forcing you through a fear of being the next one to fall.

[@diannewillem8937]

It's heartbreaking when it is your adult child.

[@Corinna_Schuett_GER]

Yes indeed. I eventually discovered my 21yo sons behaviour after recovery from his move towards his narc grandma (we have gone no contact with and tried to protect him from during childhood) when watching Dr Carters "18 traits of a covert N." that was hard truth.

[@martyminer828]

Yes, this is so sad...our only daughter of 50 and her hubby at 57,,,,my my my, SO disheartening, learning the hard way, that THEY just don't LOVE you,,,and SHE never did. SMH. We LOVE them and PRAY for them,,,,that is all we can do, and NOT be hurt or taken advantage of....We are NO LONGER their SUPPLY.....

[@kscheuerman5378]

Hi Dr C. & Gus, too, I just can't leave him out. I thoroughly agree with every single word you said to describe my husband. I do need reminding that I deserve much better! Thank you for this needed video Dr. C. ..& Gus. Take care and God Bless.

[@waxi8631]

Im such empath I’m praying for them bc they know not what they do

[@ruchie3461]

This is one of the most important videos out there on this subject. Thank you so much sir. You are really helping the masses out there. You are such a good orator & your explanations are always so detailed & make you really understand things so well.

[@tawnytuppence5573]

Ouch. I’m feeling the reality of this sink in. You are absolutely right. When I stopped servicing the way she wanted, there were consequences I’m still reeling from. Thank you, Dr. Carter. It’s better to know, even though it’s sad. Also, I love sweet Gus in the background. Good boy, Gus! ❤️

[@HippieWhit]

Wow! The title alone speaks volumes. 🙌🏾

[@integrityvending3432]

So thankful for you!! Your style of teaching on this topic is my favorite.

[@amypatton6730]

As usual,Dr. C, you hit the nail on the head. Since I WOKE UP AND SMELLED THE COFFEE,my husband outwardly has NO regard whatsoever for me. Although he puts up a good front in front of others.

[@gramadidi]

@@amypatton6730Patton, Amy I feel your pain, sad when you realize and feel you've been used, disregarded and a doormat for 44 years. This is a quote I read some time ago, "Why should I continue to cross oceans for you when you won't even jump a puddle for me".

[@ingejustavanderhelm5208]

@@gramadidi Hi Pattie, that's such a good & helpful quote! Thanks so much for sharing it out here ♡ Blessed Sunday to you dear. Groetjes from Holland ♡

[@tacmason]

Dr Carter gets to the Key area of the dysfunction in a very practical and central way here-it is never a relationship of equals.

[@christinethesinger1]

Thanks so much. Had a recent experience with what I think was a possible narcissist. I was getting sucked in but was aware quickly what was happening and pulled back. My traits of friendliness and open chattiness make me a target for narcs so I am aware now to seek out the people I decide to be close to rather than be dominated by a possible narc. I grew up with narc mother so have been 'groomed' to tolerate narc behaviour. No more!

[@sillycrow3834]

Doc, you’re a genius. That thing called ‘mother’... I had thought for so many years that I was a bad person no matter what I tried to do. She’d ask for help but after, belittle ya like you’re not good enough. I don’t miss that

[@rlight7666]

Once again Dr. Carter is on the mark. This video is confirmation of my thoughts just today!! He is the sexual pleasure seeker and I refuse to give in. Everything with the guy is transactional. He keeps telling me how much he misses and loves me, but the underling motive is to feed his pleasure.

[@j..6900]

Ever noticed?! Narc.'s never apologize and if they do they pull it into a ridiculous.

[@mountainhobbit1971]

'protect your heart'....pure gold for my own heart today, thank you Dr. Carter! Thank you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Pleased, Sean! Dr. C

[@lhuffman8343]

I look forward to these videos! I am free from my narcissist. Thank goodness it wasn’t but a few years. Only Narcissist I have ever known. Once your free , it’s such a great feeling .I’m Blessed that God opened my eyes to his wicked ways . No more silent treatments and one word answers to questions that I would have . These people are such good con artists,maybe that’s why he always would watch the Netflix series about con artists . Everything makes sense now that I’m away from him . Thanks again . Blessings . This no contact does get easier and easier day by day .

[@jenniferannfox2316]

that is a perfect illustration. When they can't get anything out of you anymore, you are nothing. Its the most disheartening thing to find out late in the game that it was just a transaction. I wish I had found these videos years ago. How do you find these people who are not like that if they can con or fool someone? Hard to trust or understand after that.

[@recoveringbaptist2023]

Thanks again; spot on, as usual! You said in one of your videos, Dr. Carter, that Empaths have in mind blessing people, serving them, but the last thing the Narcissist has in mind is "servitude" -- that they only have one thing in mind: ASSETS. Yes, the people in "ministry," to whom I turned after being diagnosed with lymphoma in 2011, thinking of the mother of the son who was in ministry as a "spiritual mentor," imagining that she'd pray with me and help me seek the Lord's will concerning what I should do, saw me as a cash cow; a "human ATM" (I should have been wiser, as she's ALSO her son's ministry's bookkeeper). I never had a "friendship" with her -- all we had was a business agreement. This woman put forth options that would benefit HER and her SON, and then repeatedly said to me, "Whatever YOU want, whatever YOU want" (and she had been a Baptist pastor's wife all her life!). I am currently trimming down a letter I've written her (which actually became a 30 page BOOK, as she offended me so deeply! Lol), but I'm giving her some messages from the Lord, such as "Why do YOU call Me, 'Lord, Lord,' when you don't do what I SAY (and when you lead My servants to do "whatever THEY want"???), and "My house will be called a house of PRAYER; you have made it a den of THIEVES."

[@ralphstadler7373]

My Ex was very charming and helpful in the beginning,,, it took 6 years to finally figure her out!! Thank god for these videos and her Ex best friend helping me to realize I'm not crazy, she is a covert narcissist!! Very sad Shallow soul, and no guilty conscience or empathy at all, unreal

[@maryw3989]

They don't want a relationship they don't even know what a relationship is. What they want is a Situationship they want you to be available for them at a moment's notice to cater to their every want and whim and ask and expect nothing from them in return bc they have nothing to give you.

[@tinachristine4573]

This is absolutely true! It's an exchange of favours and a demand for obligations/duty

[@poppysunshine5164]

ThanK you so much, Dr C. Easy to see how true it is as soon as I don’t comply.....there is no real relationship there!

[@tracyel240]

Thank you for this video! I need reminding. Being discarded after 20 years of marriage with a covert narcissist is mind-bending.

[@sherrim4067]

It wasn't talked about in the video, but when the narc does something for you, you are going to hear all about it! One favor, one small chore and it will be a mountain of " you OWE me, do you see how I helped YOU?". Remember nothing from the narc is given freely.. in my case, he always brings stuff up. Did anyone else hear it experience that with the narc in their lives? . I'm sure parents and employers are the worst for that.

[@sandrakippert9470]

I asked my ex once in exasperation, "What do you want from me ?" He answered, "I want you to admire me." He doesn't give, he invests. Everything he gives comes with a price. As a former friend of his said, " He'll give you the shirt off his back, but he is going to want a coat in return." Like everyday for the rest of your life I might add. Last time I saw him he threatened to break my jaw, because I knew his game. While he was hoovering me, he had another gf, I knew because I can see right through him now, nothing unique or original about him. Using me to triangulate with his next victim. Textbook NPD, probably a psychopath. Bet he is abusing the new supply right this minute. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you Jesus for saving me from that insanity. Thank you for informing people about this disorder.

[@meredithheath5272]

I'm just learning about this stuff, as well...As so many here have noted, "We knew that we felt, but did not know how to articulate the behavior."

[@wallymarcel1]

Not scammed. Slimed. That’s the feeling.

[@christar9527]

wallymarcel1 I was thinking of that word too.

[@elizabanach4440]

You are right. Relationship with narcissist is a transaction. We can’t expect any feelings from them.You the best dr Carter

[@mamabearheart1479]

You are helping to save my life, and the life of my children. Thank you. ❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased! Dr. C

[@cherylduckworth8185]

Once again Dr. Carter, you nailed it. Mine wanted me back to nurse him and then help him move clear across the country where I knew no one. Well, I said no and all hell broke loose. But I could not go as West Virginia is a long walk home to California. He would've got all that he could get from this transaction and then he would have chewed me up and spit me out. 4 months out and I am still struggling to find my feet, but it's getting better a little at a time. I can not wait for my breakthrough. I think I've had a few tiny ones so for.

[@marierose6792]

This is so enlightening Dr.C. One reads things such as , they objectify you, but your take on this, bring such clarity. This is why I experienced a feeling of shallowness coming from them. That visual of the door to door salesman, is so powerful for me. That is exactly how it is. Sometimes, they save the "spitting" for later. It is such a heartbreak. But also liberating to fully accept this. Thank you. One area that I need words to describe is the area of, their manipulating conversation -when they spin you around, like they are playing chess ,moving all the pieces at the same time. Crazy making, all over the place, illogical, contradictory, and relentless conversation. I find it hard to describe to someone. I know that it is meant to exhaust you and get away with something. Perhaps you can do a video about the spin that salesman might give a person. My x most powerful attribute was conversational gymnastics. It was like four lawyers and a preacher all talking at the same time. Thank you again.

[@thebluevelvetriver]

Well said!

[@Xenlacasa45]

Yeah this is true well put, it’s like a car salesmen watch how they hold a pen when writing down a grocery list half the items will be what they want they are selfish to the core !!

[@kellymae3059]

I’ve been married to a narcissist for 30 years. I had no idea all these years I’ve been dealing with this. His family nurtured this in him and they have pressured me to conform to him. I’m stuck trying to maneuver this. I see an end to this I’ve been told he won’t compromise and I deserve no respect so.....I’m preparing to make a break. It may not be today but it’s going to happen.

[@karminfennell7132]

Why now? After 30 yrs?... 😕

[@MayJunemom]

Kelly, I had a similar marriage length...if you need advice or support, please feel free to email me at [e-mail].

[@kellymae3059]

Karmin Fennell finally realized it’s never going to change only get worse. I married for all the right reasons but I’ve lived a long turbulent marriage. I now have several physical problems which my husband now uses against me. It all makes sense now. His mom always said don’t worry he will Mellow he’s done so much for me? Ugh Well he’s since gotten much worse and selfish. We have had many good times which gave me hope of a “normal” marriage. We don’t and never had “normal” just conform to him and his needs. I can’t fix that I know I can’t now! 😪

[@76482]

I'm right there with you at 40 tortuous years. Just remember that you made the marriage decision with mindset of youthful bliss and hope. Since then trying to normalize the relationship. Now we have progressed to the age of knowledge and reality. Take your power back and WIN by moving on without the narcissist.

[@p_tiffanii]

@@kellymae3059 I lived it for 5 years before I walked out. It was the same story. His Mother was trying to talk me into conforming and overlooking his horrible behavior. It kept getting worse! The Mother's are the original Narcissists! They've raised narcs and expect good ppl to deal with their demon children! I got out. No way in hell I was sticking around and accepting that mistreatment. I'm better off on my own. You can do it! Get out and live a peaceful life without their chaos. I know this information wasn't always available. I watched my codependent Grandmother wither away at the hands of my Narcissistic Grandfather. I attracted a Man just like him. Except, I knew something was wrong and turned to modern resources for answers. I refuse to live a codependent life. I now understand the dynamic due to the knowledge at our fingertips. She didn't. I'm healing and refuse to carry generational curses. Heal and live freely. xo

[@philzail2532]

Others don't understand just how bad it is.

[@pegasus5148]

Emotional abuse is hidden. That is why others don't understand. They don't actually "see" the abuse.

[@hopesmith4484]

Oh wow!! Yes that is exactly how it was. I could never find the words to define it like that though. Even now it continues to make sense more and more. You bring clarity even now.

[@meredithheath5272]

YES!!!

[@isabelleparise5607]

They view people as objects to be used.

[@tasmaniandevil7610]

My narcissist once told me that as a child he was riding with my granpa on a tractor and he asked which way ? And the granpa said you go any direction you want and i believe that was his start

[@meredithheath5272]

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@angelamwatts]

My adult son is a full blown narcissist. He uses my grandchildren as pawns to punish me when he gets pissed. I gave my grandson a huge birthday party at the skating rink. My son stood there and kept asking when is this ending? He didn't participate in any of the festivities but instead was looking for a way out. Several days later, he purposely picked a fight with me and as a result, my grandson is not allowed to go roller skating classes. He was learning competitve roller skating and was doing quite well. Not only that, but I am not allowed to see the boy. I had to make other arrangements with his mother, to see the boy but it won't be like it was. In reality, the narcissist hurt the child. The child lost all of his close friends at the rink and also has lost the opportunity to compete and that's it. I accept my son for who he is and I don't bother because he's way too toxic.

[@barbaralindhjem2488]

I feel for your grandson

[@angelamwatts]

@Carly S You took the words right out of my mouth. He's jealous of his own son. I had to block him on my phone because he raged at me like a lunatic. He says to me, his mother F you, you piece of sh*t all because I try to reason with him and tell him that he needs to be more attentive to his children. It was more important for him to go to the gym than it was to pick up the cake for his child's birthday party. The bakery was 3 blocks from his house. I had to pick up the cake and it made us late for the party. I paid for everything except for the cake. That party cost me $400.00. I did it because I love the child and we roller skated every Saturday.

[@Free2B3]

I hope you will be able to see your grandson and help his mother to surround him with empathetic and compassionate people, to minimize your narc son's affect on him.

[@angelamwatts]

@@Free2B3 I made arrangements to see him without my son's knowledge. The mother of my grandson and my son split up. The lying, the cheating, the raging, how much can a person take?

[@angelamwatts]

@Me Myself I honestly did not know until about 3 years ago that something was wrong. He had extreme anger issues.

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

Thank-you, Dr. Carter. One of the most painful issues I learned is as long as you give them what they want, everything is okay (for rhem) and that includes thinking it's okay to cheat. (Actually my ex said he wanted both of us at rhe same). He admitted to entitled selfishness as his motivator and arrogance thinking i would want him back a week or two after I kicked gim out. When I didn't beg for him to come back, he realized what a mistake he had made. They absolutely don't know how to have any form of a relationship. It's all about getting their needs met and that's all.

[@gildaung9963]

"protect your heart in pulling away" Dr Carter I'll join you in this word

[@Rebel6832]

Yup, Blame, Shame, And Invalidation!!!

[@elanabethfariss117]

Once you begin to get a feel of the ways that they target people, it gets easier to spot. it's almost immediate as they pick up on your sensitivity. Past experience should serve us well as a reminder of how they operate. You don't make true friends in day. I wish there was a spray, narc away and they'd leave you the heck alone.

[@carolb3869]

Yes they really like (expect) ‘favoured’ treatment ... omg, in what world?! Great advice: quickly pull far away ✔️

[@necrochic13]

My ex kept a log of every dime he "invested" in our relationship. This included every gift he ever gave me. Who does that? I learned this early in the relationship but ignored this red flag. He was covert and was a very extravagant lovebomber. He would gaslight me by throwing it in my face and telling me I didnt bring enough to the relationship.

[@LeilaJane]

I found it so amusing when I was engaging in a transactional business arrangement with a narcissist.... really low level of self awareness, quite an awkward conversationalist and I always felt on edge around him because he did a bad job at hiding the fact that he felt superior, but... we were at lunch and I mentioned some achievement I had had and for some reason this made him laugh so much. Such a testing person to engage with and this was what made him laugh!!??. So weird. I can't even...so many things that I just have to put my head in my hands. I honestly don't know whether to laugh or cry sometimes 😅🙌

[@ebbyc1817]

"And we even have coffee mugs" 😊 Thank you Dr Carter. This video made me breathe one, long, sigh.. Can Gus be in every video? Halfway through the video I started feeling a bit down and then I saw him stretch out of the corner of my eye and I smiled. I guess the only way to know if one is in a transactional relationship, is to say "No" and see what happens.

[@notagain779]

Ebby C, I think you're right that "No" shouldn't be avoided when it's needed. If the other person can't handle your boundaries, you're better off without them. One thing I've realized is that how a relationship starts out usually sets the way it will go, and trying to start boundaries later usually doesn't go well, since the relational dynamics have become such an expected pattern.

[@noellereiter8041]

This is very helpful. I'm an empath, and I seem to attract narcissists. A guy tried to hook up with me, and I told him that I want to be friends first, get to know each other. He gave me the nice guy act, and said that he wanted to treat me like his queen. I'm not use to this, I just wanted us to be our true selves, and see if we match up. He kept pressing how he wanted to be more intimate, and I wasn't ready. Then he ignored me, stopped doing me favors, and stopped complimenting me. I knew this was not love, so I just left him alone. Later, he said that he was giving me the silent treatment, because I wasn't giving him the same affection he was giving me. And this was after I told him I just want to be friends. He has done this over and over. I've learned over time to not give in, even when the empath in me feels guilty.

[@susannah-carolla9587]

Here in Canada 🇨🇦🍁 it is Thanksgiving weekend. Thankful for your light shining the way through this process.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks in reverse. Received, with gratitude. Dr. C

[@dltanner99]

These videos are brilliant and so helpful. You should never engage long term with someone who only wants to deplete and deprive you of everyone and everything in your life.

[@vitalule8889]

You are the greatest psychologist ever I heard and know .... I am truly amazed.....thank you so much from my heart....for you helped me so much...to discover What I got myself into.....

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you. Dr. C

[@toni_60505]

I agree! He is the type of psychologist I've been searching for.

[@scott8940]

Oh this is so spot on!!!! Great video. Narcissists often proxy other people they know or belongings they have to show off and to distract/hook (niceness) you into these "transactions". Your lessons on this subject are invaluable. I sure wish I would have met you and your lessons 35 years ago !

[@crystalwaters3471]

Mine needed a care giver for his 91 year old mother. Whom I got attached to and it was hard to leave her more so then him. He was doing his dirty deeds while she was being looked over.

[@enduring-life]

This video describes exactly how my identical sister has been with me over the past 25 years. Always initiating financial transactions (buying and selling) and borrowing items but no other interactions. I would invite her to do social activities and yet she would never reciprocate. She used me to obtain cheap finds only to share ( give) them to people who she spent time socially (movies, eating out, shows, etc.). I regret she was ever my sister.

[@starlingswallow]

Dr. Carter, THANK YOU for your unbelievably kind heart and your channel! So healing!!!!

[@Dr.Dark78]

"I like to invest in my family." One of the first things my narc father inlaw said to me the first weekend i met him 9 years ago. No contact for almost 5 years now. We couldn't be happier

[@curiosidadesextrano]

So familiar! He actually said we are investing in each other...but it was a one way transaction. Such a creep now that I have perspective. Thank you.

[@lissacablerware8475]

Curiosidades Extrano haha 😂 yes. Mine said ‘we share’ with each other after I sent some lovely happy artwork. All day his messages were about what he needed, photos of what he was doing and pictures of what he bought himself. At the end of the day, I mentioned that I was keeping an eye out for something he had shared with me. Haven’t heard back... 🤔

[@curiosidadesextrano]

@@lissacablerware8475 ugh selfish ass hat. I'm sorry you also had to go through this.

[@JulieannsSerenity]

My husband falls into many of the narcissistic characteristics. For a very long time, I had no clue what the heck was wrong. I always seemed to end up with the blame and eventually I said to him, “no one can live up to your idea of perfection.” I remember so clearly, one evening as I was doing the dishes, I had been listening to music. I grew up in the ‘80’s and if anyone remembers Rick Springfield, he was indeed on my playlist. The song I was listening to was, “I’ve Done Everything for You.” If anyone remembers, the next refrain of that song is, “You’ve Done Nothing for Me.” From the other room sat my husband asking, who are you listening to and what’s the name of that song? I rolled my eyes because without even looking at him, I knew exactly why he was asking for the title. I gave him the info but ya know, after 18 years of marriage, he thinks he has something in common with the words? Unbelievable. In my head I’m thinking, Really? Are you serious? Yes indeed, he was serious. I let it go because not only did I not have the energy to argue with him, but what I really didn’t want to do was to get caught up in his game of, “Let’s have a circular conversation.” If I would have indulged him, it would have been exhausting and frustrating for me. There are times I let him go on his merry way as well as times its just not worth losing my own peace and piece of mind. I can’t change him but what I can do for myself is to remain silent for the sake of my own peace and piece of mind.

[@carefulcarpenter]

"You are a genius, boss!" "I just love your choice in fashion!" "I just adore you!" "I envy your life!" "I couldn't have done it without you!"

[@MsGlamourcat]

Yes, this is a topic I cover too. Narcs are TRANSACTIONAL and regular people are INTERACTIVE.