Narcissists Who Don't Initially Seem Narcissistic

Sometimes narcissists can give favorable impressions as you get to know them, which leads you to let your guard down, allowing them to connect. Only later, you might learn that you had been duped by a master manipulator. You were being groomed for narcissistic supply. Dr. Les Carter explains that while you cannot change your past with that person, once you see them as they are, you can make significant adjustments.
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[@mountainhobbit1971]

"kindness without honesty equals manipulation" - Dr. Les Carter. YES! Thank you!!

[@Donita1213]

Yes I really like this statement. Because I tend to want to help if someone says they need help or whatever. But I do want to look at myself I always want to be better.

[@carefulcarpenter]

Life, without self-honesty, is a lie.

[@wokeupsassi6334]

Straight up...

[@keplermission4947]

University of Zurich claims people with beards like yours have smaller than average testicles. Some people dislike honesty. I mean if said beards were best, you'd probably be happier that if I said beards are making up for a lack of balls.

[@elanahammer1076]

Agreed

[@tboss-r9s]

"Kindness without Honesty equals Manipulation."

[@Donita1213]

I never thought of it that way. And it really helps me to look at myself why do I do good things for people.

[@carefulcarpenter]

@@Donita1213 Agenda. "Those not interested in accurate evidence are not interested in truth. Truth is context-driven; deceit is agenda-driven." 👀🐡🌿 cc

[@gregh2322]

So true, but any type of personal sentiment that is not authentic is manipulative.

[@elanahammer1076]

Spot on!

[@SA-ud9nf]

I had a relationship in my life where my ex used to be nice and sometimes he wouldn't say too much if I was upset with him and sometimes he can be sweet or very tearfulbut a lot of times he was also mean,he would get drunk and he would beat me, kick dirt in my mouth and raped me. Water people saying that he was you're feeling nice guy is nicer than me. And although I made my mistakes with him I know in my heart that I was good to him. I did so much for him and I took care of everything more than he did when we were together. He came home so drunk and he would always ruin my piece and I paid all the bills and we're always broke. he was upset because I no longer wanted to party with him I had started growing up way before he did. He was hanging around with people that did drugs and every time they came around he had to dress up in his tough shirt and boots. I always felt guilty because I didn't want to party with him and sometimes I couldn't have sex with him anymore because he smelled so bad from drinking. but I kept telling him I wanted a different life a better life and he wouldn't listen. I made sure to tell him that I wasn't going to leave him if this doesn't change but when he saw me leaving beat the crap out of me. So I had to leave without him knowing it. I remember the good times with him and I appreciate when he was good but at the same time I went through all the hell with him. So we can't be fooled just because somebody is nice

[@bodaciousbethany0]

1st sign is. They talk incessantly. & When it's your turn to talk. They're not listening. Have no response. Ignore you. keep right on talking. Or change the subject. They *all* do it. Within days of having a conversation with them.

[@kobenoah1]

Ya, took me 25 years to figure out that is what he does. Now i just let him blather on, grunt occasionally so he thinks im listening, then continue whatever i’m working on. I honestly don’t think he acts this way to be mean. It is incredibly irritating. I usually wig out about once a year for ten minutes or so. Thank goodness i can escape for a couple hours when needed to go trail riding :)

[@denisebarber5960]

Mine never talked much. He’s very quiet and just there. He’s amazing at ignoring and the silent treatment. He really didn’t show many signs of narcissism for several years but then the mask totally fell off.

[@bodaciousbethany0]

@@denisebarber5960 you're right. My paternal grandfather, brother & a so called friend were like that. So I am familiar with that type of narc as well. My golden child brother acts this way towards me & only talks & civil to me in public & when he wants something. The type of narc you describe can never be pleased. Nothing is ever good enough for them. When they do open their mouth. It's a bunch of complaints. What I do like about them. Once they get what they want they're gone & they disappear without much of a hassle.

[@bodaciousbethany0]

@@denisebarber5960 my golden child brother would compliant to my mother, & instead of her keeping between them. She'd come back & tell me what he said. She enjoyed watching me explode & defend myself. She was overt. & did triangulation between us until she died. He & I haven't had communication for a year sometime this month. Also my father was like the way you described. I try to avoid this type as much as possible now I've learned about narcissism.

[@micheleshively8557]

Yep, building themselves up and talking about how great they are. Boring

[@tads73]

Sadly, the charming and 'wonderful' side is disengeniousus, all an act. They are actually resentful and full of anger.

[@TC-gx3qn]

Yep, exactly.

[@beegee5305]

My exN was very charming and wonderful but I can't say that he was full of anger underneath. Just needed outside validation all the time.

[@adriancampbell630]

Yes, very much so. Smh

[@carolnahigian9518]

Amen you met my old Spouse

[@TayBleezy]

The most insidious, petulant people walking the earth. So glad I’m learning how to protect my physical and mental health. 💜💕

[@aprildamski7372]

We have no choice!

[@josephinebrevig8748]

Tell me about it.

[@keplermission4947]

You know back in the 1960s there were record-players and at the end of play the pick up used to go into an act where it reached a smooth bit in the record. Well Dr Carter always does that at the end starts hustling for his very minimal fee - AND it must be said that Dr. Carter has a certain face that hustling people possess. His face is you know, shaped in the words: "What about My Fee?"

[@WDBDWK]

Yes, there is an element of that. The hustle. It is what it is. However, it’s best to put it all into a bigger equation. Before doing that, it’s important to say that there is an appeal that is not true (in virtually all of the videos), which says “your motives (mine) are clean”. It says that the problem is not coming from ME. I was victimized due to the attachment phase I had with my mother-family (like the narcissist). The difference? I can go through the withdrawal required (the chemical stuff) and heal the impact of a trauma bond. The narcissist cannot. MY addiction is the WIFI to narcissists. My motives are NOT clean. Denial doesn’t have “black or white” motives. It’s dysfunction. All that said, you can become aware of a lot in Les Carter’s videos. Unfortunately he does not go to the bottom line, but we may be able to in a more rigorous process. Les might be a rescuer. His partner speaks wonders about her father, and the mother is the narcissist. Of course it’s a system and individuation in the interior object relations “fused soup” is where full healing occurs. Les may be speaking to women who want to keep a parent idolized in many cases. Who want to imagine “good motives and bad motives” in the family system dysfunction. That’s the world of the narcissist. The “empath” is nothing more than hypervigilant due to trauma. An addict. They can heal though, and the narcissist is destroyed. I still fine Les Carter great on dynamics. Not on causes unfortunately.

[@WDBDWK]

Imagine if you tried to protect your health by “working on your immune system”. The same goes for the narcissist. Unhealed attachment circuitry isn’t something you “work on”, anymore than you work on what your liver does. These narcissists show up due to trauma in their hosts. That’s it. That is what is going on. They need SUPPLY. They are neither good nor bad. They are empty shells. Parasites. It sheds some light on what “protect yourself” means and how that happens.

[@amirasoundso8693]

Two young women from the neighborhood who visited my husband for the first time at home for advice later told their father: "He was so extremely friendly that we thought he might have hidden corpses in the cellar." That is the perfect description of his friendliness.

[@seymoursmom6297]

Yikes. Uncomfortable.

[@ubombogirl]

only 20% population has a capacity for consistent, healthy relationships? not very good odds, i'd say...pretty scary

[@mdee860]

Exactly what I thought. 🤯😱😱😖😥

[@annamariaricci2146]

Yes sounds horrible!!! 😚

[@carolhough6795]

I'm guessing it's more like ten percent (if you could be a fly on the wall of everyone's home).

[@wifferstess2824]

The perfect person does not exist. What you can do though is gauge whether someone is mentally healthy or immature just by how they handle difficulty.

[@yobrojoost9497]

Say no to something small they suggest early in the relationship, watch the reaction. It will tell you a lot about how a person responds to frustration. You don't have to be nasty or aggressive about it, it's just a probe.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good suggestion. Dr. C

[@daviedood2503]

Can u pass the salt No Well then.. 😂

[@laurac.9322]

Ok sounds like a good idea.

[@kellydrodgers8957]

Also, watch how they react when you're out shopping with them, and you help someone who's struggling with a load of groceries and a baby in a stroller. If they shoot you yesterday ol' look of death then verbally bark at you for 'wasting time' this is another sign. Also if they've thrown a cellphone then lied to management saying they've 'dropped' it. This is an infuriating habit that's a huge indicator they can not be trusted-a single whit.

[@daviedood2503]

@@kellydrodgers8957 or if u hold the door for someone she gets so jelous. I coukdnt understand it. I assume she thinks all men are creeps or soemthing and does it to get a look or soemthing? Only damn thing I can come up with. 😔 This abandoned feeling for 3 months now hurts alot. It's a town she grew up in and I feel so isolated now. I'm litterally here alone and have no one. They moved out in April Took the bed, the fesge, washer and dryer, the familu car even the shower curtains. Just... I'm devestaed. 13 yrs just gone. I was content and happy and hit me from no where.... 😔

[@davidhinkson8856]

TBH, when you reflect on it, narcs can go a bit overboard when they're being "nice" to you in the early stages. If anything seems to good to be true, it often is.

[@nryane]

Like investment schemes!!!

[@tiffanybrown4877]

Everything the narc does is over the top putting on a facade to manipulate people

[@d3l3tes00n]

Yep. That's called "love bombing"

[@wonderfulwenna2710]

Their fake niceness is quite sickening. Beware people of the vulnerable narcissist!

[@izzybizzy9230]

That's exactly the feeling. And it should be a red flag!

[@lance7973]

My brother is a marriage and family therapist, who has traits of covert narcissism. I realize now that his love toward me has always been conditional. When I stood my ground with him, he would tell me that our relationship is strictly business. And During those times, he was quite a bully. Losing my relationship with him three years ago was traumatic for me. But now I’m relieved that I never have to try to appease him again. I offer him nothing.

[@janetstonerook4552]

Same with my brother who is 5 years older than me. I looked up to him as a kid but he was a bully and was bombastic. Now in our 70s, he'd kept harassing me and criticizing all our family of origin for perceived slights from 50 years ago. I finally went pretty much no contact 3 years ago because he was so negative and disruptive. He loved uproar and arguing. And I didn't. He wouldn't respect by stated boundaries and would often call late in the evenings in a drunken rage. I gave him years of opportunity to do so but he was incapable of behaving as an adult. It's so much better not having to put up with so much insanity.

[@Hollyhock7]

Gotta love those toxic therapists . lol

[@DalHarpJr]

@Lance... My ex girlfriend was a Covert Narcissist who also happened to be a licensed family therapist. Went through 4 years of lies, cheating, gaslighting, triangulation, you name it. Everything in the narcissists bag of tricks was thrown my way. I didn't know what was going on until I happened upon NPD, and then I made my exit!

[@Jay-xx5pg]

Weird to say this especially right now. But i am recovering from a year and more ((( of a therapist. I stayed bc he said he was sorry but more because he is IFS and not overly into medical stuff. And i didnt think people got me. Well i can relate to the relief you feel. Sorry but not sorry about your brother right (because it is best to stay away). Like-not sorry bc u are relieved and better away ,but, in the feeling we are not just of a mono mind, i do feel for everything about this(. 📓💛✨🌻🌱🌷☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️🐈‍⬛🪄☀️🎋☕️☀️☀️☀️☀️ Take good care of yourself. Out of emptiness comes compassion-ram dass and nothing is either good nor bad but thinking (it?) makes it so.

[@westcoast747]

You start thinking what a great person they are, you end up with, they’re the lowest of the low.

[@oscarikenna]

Mark McCann,Narcissists are evil 👿

[@tootienottoofruitie1726]

Quickness in any relationship I think is a good tip off and sign of a narcissist 🕊️

[@izzybizzy9230]

Yes I agree!

[@anesasosevic2813]

Dr. Carter, today I underlined your sentences: 1# "Narc has zero capacity to connect at the heart level" 2# " Narc's impatience is a huge red flag" 3# "Efforts to conect need to go slowly" 4 # "Approach others with a mind that is awake". Thank you for today's excellent video lesson!

[@sarahsselflovelifestyle463]

Especially #2

[@anesasosevic2813]

@@sarahsselflovelifestyle463 Apsolutely!

[@glowinthedarkministry]

I agree with all 4. Especially number 1 because narcissist doesn't have a heart.

[@idinloreng4580]

@@glowinthedarkministry they had a heart but, it's dead now.

[@bronwyntanner4501]

In my book, the narcissists that I have had relationships with, are totally empty vessels. Shallow. Absolutely no depth. No understanding of people at all. No empathy. I can't imagine why it took me so long to see this!

[@vickimerritt2832]

they study others personalities to mimic and steal. they tear you down to steal you, your essense like knockoffs in the retail world

[@micheleshively8557]

Me either with me. Empathic people just miss it sometimes because we so want people to be inherently good?

[@aliceroberts1980]

Can’t wait for this one I was fooled for 31 years before I figured out my husband had full NPD but I didn’t know this was a thing !!

[@sheilajac]

pretty sure my brother is as well but will probably never be diagnosed much less treated. As HE used to say about his ex "you don't know how dirty the water is when you're swimming in the fishbowl" - ironic, because that's exactly how I feel now looking back on all those HUGE RED flags...the things that were obvious screams for attention. He can seem like a great guy if you haven't been swimming in his dirty crap for too long and trained to walk on eggshells...he has his moments of apparent charisma but the worst is the absolute self-assurance he has when he says things about other people. He says it like it's a FACT, that he knows and can prove....until you realize you're only hearing one side of the story and his "sound judgments" of others turn out to all be projections. He can even seem humble at times, but he is far from humble.

[@hcombs0104]

@@sheilajac Reminds me of an ex-friend. That friendship came to an end last year when he showed his true colors.

[@vickiestokes3245]

same Alice. he got rid of me because I did everything wrong and it was all my fault. But I wasn’t the one who emailed a solicitors letter for divorce. I didn’t see it coming and thought he was just being controlling which is what husbands do.

[@unite4peace88]

Wow!, 31 years!, You owe it to yourself to experience real love, the sort of blissful experience that two empathic souls share. Go no contacts and begin a new.

[@JesusIsTheWay.Truth.Life.]

Once you know it, you'll NEVER unknow it. That's for sure!

[@laurarandolph5600]

It's really hard, for a person pursuing goodness in their life, to grasp the reality that there are many others out there who ENJOY being deceitful and manipulative. They ENJOY being the PREDATOR and they ENJOY destroying and consuming their PREY-you! A "successful" predator finds ways to disguise their intentions and bide their time until their prey is caught in their trap. They gloat over the destruction of the unwary. However... "Blessed be the LORD, who has not given us as prey to their teeth. We have escaped like a bird from the snare of the fowler; the net is torn, and we have slipped away. Our help is in the NAME of the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.…" --PSALM 124:7-8

[@christinesbetterknitting4533]

I am deeply touched by your use of that relevant Scripture. God's Word heals the soul and brings to light what is going on in situations.

[@chucky8787]

@@christinesbetterknitting4533 Hi Christine....I am sharing a youtube channel with you as you seem to appreciate scripture. This channel has not posted new content in a few years however most of what is up there is great stuff. I will just link you to a video he does describing what a narc is...if you like I suggest you check out some more of his content. I hope this content blesses you as much it has blessed me. God Bless kzbin.info/www/bejne/jmPHXoiDer5-aZY

[@sarahsselflovelifestyle463]

Thank you!!!

[@user-bg1eo7lo9u]

Hi Laura, Thanks for sharing that scripture! Very much worth contemplating. Blessings to you!

[@karennaturallyartby]

Well said

[@chilloften]

Exactly, it’s insanity. Pace yourself folks. Keep legs closed ladies.

[@Olivqa22]

If I had only known this before. I have made all the mistakes possible with the narcissist without listening to my gut feeling.

[@tjyb1502]

Me too! We just couldn't understand why She was so awkward and weird... but NOW we understand and apparently we've done everything 'WRONG' in our dealings with her. 🤷‍♀️ oops and oh well. Hope we can see our family again one day.

[@SGrahamStudioCrafts]

Wish I had seen this video 13 years ago before I married my “soon to be” ex-husband. He revealed himself to be a covert narcissist who took advantage of my empath. Thanks for the video!

[@rwdchannel2901]

Their kindness is similar to when something in nature injects venom into the prey to control it before devouring it.

[@abutterfly7975]

Sounds like me

[@teresacotton7923]

Kindness without honesty equals Manipulation. PERFECT Dr. Carter. They do know what they are and in order to get our attention they hide the monster. Even after their real behavior shows that causes problems they tell themselves its OUR fault.

[@thelasttrumpet2915]

Yes, the mask is there to prevent you from seeing their true, ugly self. They’re dark souls, immature and very shallow.

[@TheRonaldbaxter]

I don’t know they all know what they are. I agree with your comments about hiding the inner monster. I believe the narc in my live really thinks she is a good person. There is constant instinctive mental resetting so you are always the bad guy.

[@kathiejl1]

Mine said, “you knew what you were getting into when you married me “

[@teresacotton7923]

@@kathiejl1 that's awful

[@cathysims1000]

I stood at the foot of the bed the night my daughter got married and and prayed "Dear God, please do not of let me give my baby lamb to a wolf in sheep's clothing" I had no idea how much of a narcissist wolf in sheep's clothing he was.

[@GoogleIsAPieceOfShit2023]

You have to do a lot of winnowing before deeming someone worthy to get close to. Only 20% of people out there educate themselves and reflect on having healthy relationships. The other 80% just don’t care and aren’t deep.

[@Donita1213]

I'm telling you, I'm not surprised one bit. Ever since I was a kid, I never could figure out why people have to be so mean to each other. but as I grew up I kind of joined society and stopped paying attention. Now I'm over 60 and I'm paying attention again. Yep, not surprised at all.

[@krisztina442]

Yes but I would say 90 % and 10 % ... Unfortunately, I've become very pessimistic about this topic. ☹

[@nehla47]

It's sad, but I'm relieved that he said that. I always felt like there was always something "off" about the people that I interacted with and I had to figure them out quickly before something bad happened.

[@timmywitty1432]

@Carol JL Wife why waste the energy to maintain the superficial relationship?

[@resilience4lyfe331]

@Carol JL Wife I finally cut mine off after 30 years. Covert narc... I just added up all the things over the years that were questionable in intention. Figured she sent her daughter as a flying monkey/helicopter.... smh

[@JM-vj7we]

There were little signs……BUT I just ignore them! Until it became a nightmare 😦

[@Donita1213]

Yes same here. Now I see them, and I haven't dated for over a year. But I feel good. I'm doing my own thing.

[@aliceroberts1980]

Me to little things the first week of dating I just told myself no one is perfect 35 years later IT IS A Nightmare

[@carpathia0117]

@@Donita1213 I waited almost 3 years to date again after leaving a very obvious extroverted narcissist. The first person I gave a chance turned out to be a covert narcissist which was So hard to see.

[@marilynbrowman4272]

Major nightmare

[@mdee860]

@@carpathia0117 - Same here. Uuugh.

[@mpicos100]

20/80 ratio? Oh, that explains a lot. I see narcs everywhere, thought was me having some bias after learning about narcissistic behavior

[@Deucely]

Narcissism is just a lack in development, immaturity if you will, it's people who are stuck as children in the submissive setting, they want to be dominant but they don't know how, nobody taught them, so they use what they know in order to achieve their goal, but it doesn't work very well as you could imagine. Seeing society being more and more immature it stands to reason as to why you might think they are everywhere, but since it is on a spectrum, a lot of people will have some narcissistic tendencies but can be easily flipped or taught how to grow out of it, we just aren't teaching one another how to be the opposite of a narcissist which is generally defined as an adult, anymore.

[@daviedood2503]

They'll SETTLE for 80/20 for the moment push for 90/10 and won't stop until they get 100/0 lol fn ppl I swear.

[@cairosilver2932]

@@Deucely IMO they aren't interested in being taught - something jammed inside them at some point and cut off interest in being taught (though they'll happily teach others). People who have some bad/incompatible habits but are interested in trying to reach a compromise, they just have some bad habits.

[@Deucely]

@@cairosilver2932 Well yeah, that's what I meant, as a child you figure out habitual ways to gain some control, but they don't translate very well into adulthood, like the "no" phase is the argumentative setting narcs pull on people, and so on. To teach anyone anything, they have to be willing to listen, obviously, but we mostly teach one another by example, they just have the wrong role models. The more we are giving the right example, the better everybody becomes. Any type of growth ultimately comes from within, what I usually do with narcs around me is show them a better way to get what they want, use it or don't, it's loaded in their brains whenever they decide to see the light and fix themselves. Also, since it's on a spectrum, there are far fewer hardcore narcs than you think.

[@lionhearttt3540]

Yeah I see them everywhere now 😔 I'm really not sure if it's a good thing or bad to be honest

[@yolandaneely6431]

I just got out of a 6mo relationship, he was adorable the first 3. Then his horrid narcissist traits started to come out! I ran for the hills! He started talking bad about people even his own parents!!

[@yvonneb-t3d]

I can relate

[@Jay-xx5pg]

Hey) Um my red flag (before i knew why even within personalities and temperments well actually more someones character) was just when s guy will almost stubborn stick to his position how bad AND crazy( his ex was. My initial thinking is then why were u with them and something about no one is so whole heartedly horrible or they describe it so covering like a wet banket. Sorry well ttyl glad u ran ha;).

[@Jay-xx5pg]

*stubbornly.

[@saratemp790]

For me, it was kind of like that movie Enough with Jennifer Lopez. In that movie, her guy, turned new husband, was so sweet. But one day she caught him texting with another woman, she confronted him, and he punched her in the face. He turned, just like that. It was similar to me. I did not get physically abused, but one day, my guy dropped the sweet persona, and got verbally abusive. And did not go back. It can happen so fast.

[@carpathia0117]

@@ccdm515 So I can feel less alone, yes this happened to me when I caught him in lie and confronted. Never raised his voice but was extremely cruel. Like another person entirely.

[@carpathia0117]

@@ccdm515 thanks. We're all watching these videos because we're a lot of pain, I think. Or working on the way out of it.

[@jfkreefreedom7271]

It happened to me when I got pregnant with our first child. Suddenly it wasn't about him anymore.

[@yvonneb-t3d]

I saw text conversation that I questioned and he went ballistic, screaming and throwing accusations, blamed me for looking at his phone.

[@SoapsLuvr]

Subversion, infantilizing, guilt-tripping: Covert narcissists - raised by two of them & not aware they were this until I reached middle age. In that respect coverts are the worst! They triangulated my double-minded sibling against me, who is aware of this, yet keeps turning on me. We used to be best friends but that ship has sailed.

[@Josh_587]

I fear for my kids with their mom (my ex). She actively tells my oldest that she is her favorite. Thankfully we are 50/50 custody, so I can try to provide them some "normalcy" and attempt to undo the damage she is causing.

[@sissi7746]

My mom died at over 104. I’m 71. It’s only now I realized she was a narcissist, the malignant kind.

[@aaronfischer9885]

Cut the anchor and set sail. Putting the past behind you.

[@aprildamski7372]

Your not alone. Same situation with my Brother.

[@hcombs0104]

Same situation with my older sister. We haven't communicated for about eighteen months now.

[@annabee922]

When I stood up for myself to the one narc in my life for the first time to let her know I won't tolerate her disrespectful behavior in my home..she flipped and the mask fell off. I stayed calm and attempted to have a civil discussion even though she was screaming at me and pointing her finger inches from my face projecting onto me and saying she can't believe such a sweet girl can be "this nasty" lol, the irony. She finished me off by saying I must be the way I am because my father abandoned me when I was A BABY. That was when I walked out and went VERY low contact. I definitely fell for the initial friendly and engaging act and made the mistake of confiding in her my own traumatic childhood experiences. Never did I ever think she would use that to hurt me..just because I asked for a little bit of respect in MY OWN HOME. I lived and learned, never again.

[@keariewashburn4680]

Exactly. I can relate. My BF for long time was like this.

[@Libra_Girl.]

Ahh yes, the covert narcissist ~ that's my ex. Definitely a master manipulator. I was sucked in because I didn't even know about NPD. I had a dream he was an actor but I didn't make much of it. It was really confusing because I didn't know what I was dealing with, especially the times when his mask would slip; and I didn't know he wanted to control me because ultimately he wanted to destroy me. I'm just thankful I'm not still entangled with him trying to figure him out. I've dealt with a few other narcs since him and will probably deal with more in the future but they weren't and won't be able to suck me in like he did when I was clueless as to what I was dealing with- covert narcissism.

[@onlyluvisreal6691]

Libragirl I had to check to see if I made your comment! Exact same story

[@marycrook7506]

35 years later.. wish I had had Dr Les in my life sooner.. recovery from the realisation that I had been scammed by my Narc husband… betrayal is a difficult emotion to shift.. I felt so stupid.. but that too is the nature of the beast! .. highly recommend Dr Carter’s ‘Free2Be’ workshop! 💪💖

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks Mary. Beginning today, we have a new course...This Is Me: Setting Boundaries With The Controllers In Your Life. It picks up where the other course left off. Dr. C

[@lifewithapurpose237]

¹⁰sept: libra g: consider yourself blessed, you look young and are now ahead of the 'GAME'. Met my 'covpa' right after high school, 1st mask slip was right after birth of 1st born on my 32nd birthday ... last slip/crack after the passing of the matriarch in my family. Did not help that I operate with a lot of patience, so i either overlooked his indiscretions or forgave them. What you wrote really resonates "ultimately he wanted to destroy me". I noticed that as well, he had so many opportunities to leave the relationship before and after having children. But he chose to stay, and now i realize it was to try and do just that, 'DESTROY'. Well 'i am still standing' reminds me of elton john 🎶 song. 'covpa' = covert passive aggressive, type Stay Blessed, libra girl

[@Lafilledlapluie]

Dreams are so interesting because I remember I dreamt he gave me a gift but it was empty 🤣🤣

[@ruebensfilms]

The biggest narcissist enabler is the codependent without a doubt.

[@wolfgang7812]

Which is why narcs turn a perfectly healthy person into a codependent.

[@ruebensfilms]

@@wolfgang7812 I'm not sure it works quite like that. A healthy person recognizes certain behaviors and transgressions and knows some things off. A codependent person finds an unhealthy reason to justify bad behavior and finds transactional potential (as unhealthy as it is). The codependent has already established him/herself well before the narc shows up.

[@olive0eyes0]

a narc wouldn't exist without the co-dep (no spine) enablers and their hordes of (brainwahsed) flying monkeys. society sucks man for the spiritually aware ppl

[@redmoondesignbeth9119]

"Kindness without honesty......." I think I'm going to embroider this on a pillow for my couch. 😄✌😎

[@jaimhaas5170]

IT is a stunning duo.

[@kaytiedidd1780]

Isn't that usually called 'flattery?'

[@carmel3532]

I'm adding it to my list of potential cross stitch patterns to make.

[@redmoondesignbeth9119]

Dr C should come up with a line of Merch. This isn't the only line he's come up with that should be on a T-Shirt. 😄☕✌😊🌈💰

[@desertgirlwarrior1921]

LOL!! 😂🤣

[@kellnola]

I've noticed they start with trying to get you to join them in some regular activity you're not interested in and will keep nagging you until you relent

[@melodysanquist4834]

No one says, “This isn’t what it looks like”, more often than a narcissist.

[@jodyayers4592]

They know exactly what they are doing. They wait till your trapped in their web before they spring on you. Groom is exactly what they do.

[@michellek2946]

Dr C, I went through all this. I moved too fast, ignored the red flags and for that, I have learned a valuable (many) lesson. I never want to go through this soul-crushing pain again. I’m still crying every day after a month of leaving him. The ability to connect at a deep level has to go slow. I’m listening. I’m awake. Thank you so much

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I think this video should validate that you are not alone in this pattern. Keep learning, and thanks for including me on your journey. Dr. C

[@sheilajac]

@@SurvivingNarcissism when you said: 20% of people have truly healthy relational patterns (I'm paraphrasing) that was a real lightbulb moment for me and I think is a better way of gauging things than trying to figure out where on the N scale someone is, or labelling them a NPD or whatever. Like, only 5% of the pop might be diagnosable NPD but there are a lot more that have unhealthy behaviours & it doesn't really matter what of if they are technically PD, if they don't seem healthy to you, or there are red flags, that's enough to know. Although, to think only 20% are healthy relationship-wise, is kinda depressing lol! I guess society has a lot of growing-up to do!

[@aliceroberts1980]

I hope you feel better soon I still trying to leave and I just sit on my bed in a Separate room and cry sometimes I can’t help but it hurts so bad that another human being would treat somebody like this and then laugh at this it’s funny to them they get pleasure from hurting others sorry but I don’t think they’re human

[@carpathia0117]

I wouldn't blame yourself for going fast at all. The twist comes out when you move slowly too.

[@michellefarris3961]

Alice Roberts A lot of people genuinely wonder if they are human because they really don't seem to be. So what are they? That's where the theories of clones, reptilian, etc come from. It's all so bizarre that some really wonder if they are another species.

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

For years I was not aware of what was happening to me. I thought something was wrong with me. Everyone loved my brothers and my brothers were so engaging in a happy way with others outside our family but at home, they were snotty and rude. I realized late in life that I was a scapegoat and the real them was the snotty character or they would not have been able to do it even to me. Kind people are that way with everyone, they do not turn it on and off depending who they are with.

[@elainesmith5313]

When I first married., I had no idea that he was what you describe as a Vulnerable Narcissist . He was quiet and humble acting. After 2 and a half yrs of marriage he changed totally. He became difficult to deal with and just got worse as the years passed. And ..No I did not leave him. 45 yrs later he had died and I found myself trying to dig my way out of a Pit of Garbage. To anyone who experience what I experienced...Run Forest, Run. Children or no children. You can't Love them into wholeness. Mission Impossible. Leave as quickly as you can. Life w/o the Narcissist is sheer Freedom! Please don't delay!!!!! Thanks Dr. C.

[@jonnyblade46]

After watching almost all of these videos, my understanding of narcissism has really developed. Like most people, I thought all narcissist were lively, spectacular and in your face all the time. But they can hide in every kind of environment and they can look very humble on the surface... If I told people outside my family that there's a narcissistic problem, I would be laughing stock.

[@SamSolasdonSaol]

"They're posers." * giggling * You're awesome Dr. C. "Kindness without honesty equals manipulation" is such a great anonymous truthbomb postcard sentiment that Hallmark doesn't make.

[@TimErwin]

If you think someone is friendly, watch and observe before you give too much of yourself. If they're friendly in the beginning, they should still be friendly after you've turned them down and they didn't get their way a few times.

[@diannalauer9059]

I was was raised by a narcissistic mother. Married narcissistic men. I had no idea. Now I do... I am on my way to being healthy. Thank you so much!

[@R_Thomp]

This is what happened to me in a very long romantic relationship and I struggle to understand how a person can go from one extreme to the other because that's not possible. It had to always be there and be hidden. As the sweet person slowly dissolved the ugly person slowly emerged. The final discard was brutal

[@kathiejl1]

Brutal for sure!

[@MB-sg8dx]

Yes. Brutal.

[@HuhisHere]

Already gave this one a thumbs up. FINALLY ADDRESSING THIS TRAP! There were no red flags with this situation and I felt alone about it.

[@Josh_587]

I assure you, you are NOT alone.

[@sissi7746]

It’s my case as well.

[@Contrarymarylibrary2]

I, too, can assure you that you are not alone. For years I told myself he ALMOST fit the category of a narcissist. I can say that I learned a LOT and wiser from the experience.

[@twinbulls1980]

Same, but the red flags were so inconspicuously disguised, that most people wouldn’t even have considered this was a trap. It’s operated under a façade of just being arrogant and moody. Really poor sense of character either way.

[@NickBatinaComposer]

Me too buddy, my folks were like a 22-year-long bad trip. It’s heavy as hell man, no bueno. Could I ask, have you recently pieced the dots together, with regard to the narcs in ur life? I wanna say, if so, just remember that u weren’t allowed to even think about it. Take care buddy, and I hope ur doing well :)

[@ericnorthman4846]

He becomes whoever he hangs around with. So when he was with me - he became me. The statement "kindness without honesty is manipulation" - just the mail on the head in my case till he showed his true self in the end when he didn't care that I "saw" him

[@fifik3136]

my ex narc was so emotionally manipulative. he came across as so emotionally wounded. And when he told me 'I was the only one who understood him' , I jumped at it. It made me feel so needed and special but as I realised it was a trap. Too late I was caught and probably would still be in the relationship if he didn't have an affair. And I can 100% guarantee they don't change - he used the same tactic on the new person and of course it worked...in the meantime I am scraping myself off the floor as I realise he is a covert narcissist. and what really helps is reading peoples comments to videos because it explains and validates all the emotions and thoughts I had over the years.

[@beverlyorlando8040]

Yup, he got me! I fell for it hook, line & sinker! He started off great! Seemed the opposite of my father who was a narcissist from a mile away! My ex was shy, quiet & I thought just quirky! I thought I had found someone safe! Boy, was I dead wrong! He ended up being controlling, hypersensitive, fragile, angry, resentful, sulking, rigid in his thinking and can keep the silent treatment going for weeks when his ego has been injured. No empathy, no apologies and no closure when I finally woke up and walked away after 33 years. Sad way to go about life

[@rhaesenya5832]

Sounds eerily familiar. Took him 2-3 years to show his self and 14 years for me to finally say enough. It is absolutely mind-boggling how they can suppress their true self for as long as they do. It is maddening how even their closest friends don't actually know who they really are. Ugh, silent treatment for weeks... no empathy, no apologies... All the things. That environment makes every single aspect of just trying to merely exist into a struggle session. I'm glad you got out!

[@kathiejl1]

Mine too! 12 yrs. Divorcing now. He said he wanted to call it quits and He’s mad at ME!

[@Golden.Silver.Conquistador]

Its very hurtful. Heartbreaking. Been through same. Wish you the best.

[@susanbuck3837]

Sooooo, in starting a new relationship, I have an 80% chance of having it with someone who does not know how or does not care about having a healthy relationship? That’s why I’ve decided - I’m done. No more for me. (I’m 65, so I just don’t want to waste precious time on more pain!!)

[@David-ej1ps]

There is an 80% chance you are one of them and likely are… it goes both ways

[@painteroflove]

"A lifestyle of steadiness and peace." Yes, amen. That's sometimes a difficult choice while there are "bombs falling" from others, but we get to choose our own inner "steadiness and peace." Too bad this maturity didn't automatically come in my youth, lol. Better late than never.

[@brynnleapierce5600]

I hear often, “I try to be tbe best person I can be toward others”, or “I'm misunderstood”, I enjoy things doing things for people” but it ends up appearing for self-serving motives.

[@snuffpappy]

This is a line from a Bruce Lee movie. Equally applicable to narcs. "Remember: the enemy has only images and illusions behind which he hides his true motives. Destroy the image and you will break the enemy."

[@Applauseify]

Hail Mary. My ex. He looked like God sent a gift to my inferior presence. He was so encouraging and kind initially. So much positivity and looking at the brighter side. How wrong was I :P Even now sometimes I do not have clarity about the past as I wonder was what he did genuine and I am just overseeing and being overly critical. Have been separated for one year and after 6 year relationship still wonder what was genuine and what was the control tactic. He wanted me to pursue my Masters but later he resented me wasting money on master's, then took credit for me completing my master's. He always kept on insisting on blind trust from my side, if I questioned why he suggested something or wanted me to do something, I was immediately attacked for not trusting him. No matter how much I clarified that in order to follow directions, I need to understand logic and reasoning, I can not just blindly follow it. He never could look back as to how what he said was hurtful and it was only I speak the truth. Whereas he always told half-truth and zero truth. If I joke about something, he would get so defensive. He was patient only when he wanted. He just wanted to feel better, smarter and others. Maybe he was. He seriously couldnot connect at heart level. If you talk about emotion, vulnerability and feeling hurt, it was immediately translated to drama. Oh man . A narc is real danger to good quality of life and spiritual, emotional health

[@joywebster2678]

Yes that was the biggest struggle ...give me 500 dollars and pack your bag we will go away for a weekend...ummm where we going? Where I decide. Well how do i know what to pack? Figure it out. Why do you need money up front? Is this 50 50? Never mind I'm going without you. And he claims he did, 3yrs later still wouldn't say where. I couldn't participate blindly, but he always demanded it.

[@Literallyarealhuman]

I are describing every person I’ve fallen in love with. So charming and “nice”…In the past. Now I know how to spot it. Took long enough.

[@cairosilver2932]

IMO no need to chide yourself for learning it, instead tell yourself well done on developing that new skill :)

[@vanisanicholas1106]

Would you be willing to show sign and similarities. I am om my very first relationship and it has fuxked me up

[@RRthee1]

I’ve had a marriage counselor who wrote a book on narcissism tell me he did NOT think my husband was a narcissist (after 2 or 3 sessions). This video describes my husband perfectly, though. I needed this. Thanks.

[@inthemiddlechic23]

THAT was not a good therapist/counselor. Any kind of diagnosis doesn't happen for at LEAST 6 months of steady sessions. How could they possibly know after just 2 or 3 sessions ANY guess, when a narcissist can fool us for months or years!? That irks me and I'm sorry you went through that. :/

[@alisonspinelli7203]

Trust your gut. Counselors are not all qualified to deal with a narcissist. I don’t care if they wrote a book. The narcissist is great at performing. Behind closed doors they have a different persona. If you find it hard to keep the self that you have always thought you had…beware.

[@chilloften]

Some folk with psychology degrees do not comprehend.

[@wanttobeasage2952]

Books can't teach you about evil, without experience it's just words on paper.

[@trailerparkcryptoking5213]

The narcissist typically act one way at home and a different way outside the home! You know his actions better than the therapist!

[@kristenstewart1250]

My friend who I believe is a narcissist recently promised a homeless man housing, and I'm 90% sure she doesnt intend to do anything for him. He came up to us while eating and she made a whole show of taking his number and telling him she was going to contact a certain program for him, going into great detail about her connections at the program and everything it would do for him. She also scolded him for smoking and really enjoyed being in the position of authority over him. It makes me sick because I realize now she was doing it for the momentary attention and power. As you said, "kindness without honesty is manipulation".

[@dawnbailey1132]

That is just tragic, giving false hope/help to a person who is already so vulnerable. Is she really your friend? So cruel.

[@kristenstewart1250]

@@dawnbailey1132 Not anymore. This has been really eye opening for me. So sad.

[@juliechurch1799]

Creep

[@user-ed7si9no7i]

At over 60 I'm very wary of others having been used and abused from an early age. Therapy is doing wonders but I have no patients for putting myself at risk. My health and well being is to important along with my progress. I'm developing strong boundaries and it feels great. Keeping the garbage out of my life is paramount to me. Your insights have been so helpful here at Team Healthy. Thank you.

[@kimberleymurphy3512]

Honestly I'm so numb to the lying and manipulation. The worst treatment from the narcissist is the Oscarworthy performances and the gaslighting. Everything negative THEY do they accuse YOU of! SO EXASPERATING!!!

[@contentomnivore]

Dr.C: "Kindness without honesty equals manipulation." My Brain: Ooooh. Hurry! Write that down. Write that down. I've never heard this said before. I will be depositing this one into the memory bank.

[@helenmarie1082]

I left my narcissist 2 months a go. Want to arm myself with knowledge to avoid getting involved with another in the future. Thanks Dr Les Carter, your videos have helped me enormously.

[@notgivingthisout6977]

Thank you, Dr. Carter. The covert I interacted with played the long game - the signs didn't noticeably show until 3-4 years in, and even then they were subtle. One of the greatest weapons of this kind of person is that they choose empaths/HSPs/the inexperienced/young/those in weakened emotional states to surround themselves with, who aren't apt to believe a person's motives could be this disturbing. I didn't believe it at first, either, which kept me from seeing clearly for many subsequent years during which I felt psychologically and emotionally roasted on a spit because of the cognitive dissonance. Make no mistake, their focus is attuned to the moment you lose objectivity about them.They seem to operate with the idea that all that matters is gaining your trust (and having to do as little work as possible to keep it - irrespective of their actions after that point). The pack of "followers" around this person are part of their shield, and will contribute to comments that suggest you are the problem (because all of them think he's just wonderful). The narc relies on you giving them the benefit of doubt, and while they might give you some shards of it in the beginning, that will fade in direct proportion to you questioning anything. I'd say the first concrete sign (when I think back) came in the form of inconsistent communication coupled with a high degree of expected mind-reading. When I commented on the inconsistency, there was a "sorry, I've been busy" reply, and then an ever so slight intimation that I needed to be more patient, more understanding, more considerate of the demands on his time. That hint would later become less subtle. This type can hide their reluctance to sharing personal information behind a faux humility, or another trait they know you value. When a personal experience is shared, it may come off as sounding practiced, or being polished, and it will generally not include any misstep or mistake on their part or, if so, one so minor as to be negligible. More often, the stories they tell, when they tell any at all, reveal moments of situational embarrassments on a small scale. The narc will have played no role other than having been a victim of circumstance or the actions of others, and after you've seen them tell the story more than once, you notice they drop eye contact at precisely the same moment in the story, every time. Watch for those moments of broken eye contact - when and in relation to what. There's more but this is already long, so I'll cut to the chase. I didn't know until a year or more after ceasing contact (out of sheer exhaustion and becoming very physically ill as well as mentally defeated) that I MIGHT have been dealing with an extremely unhealthy person. It took that long to even shake the cloud of confusion he continuously spun. A semi-funny anecdote: I was so often reminded of his busyness (read importance, and thereby, my lack of significance, and often to signify how lucky I was that he talked to me at all), and had talked with him about this repeatedly prior, that before I was able to go no contact, I told him that when I died they'd crack open my skull and find there inscribed "He is too busy" so as to illustrate that I was well aware of how busy he was and that his continuing to say so gained nothing - I had already told him that I only contacted him when absolutely necessary and that I, in fact, preferred not to. (I had lost my self control at that point, obviously.) What's funny about that was watching him squirm and mangle language, and compile illogic on illogic, to say it without saying it in subsequent conversations (though within a week, he reverted to doing it again anyway). There was not a single attempt to indicate any concern for how I was feeling (not even the "I'm sorry you feel that way" that blameshifts), nor a hint of embarrassment, nor a sense of it being shocking that I would say such a thing. He knew he'd already lost me (and that wasn't a very kind comment on my part), so why bother to respond? Why not just give me the information I'd requested to get me out of his hair, and allow him to get back to his "busyness"? He knew I had documentation and that a third party would see it - so he was playing to that audience. Maybe some of it was subconscious, but for those who doubt that they do this knowingly, for your own sake and well being, I urge you to reconsider.

[@vickimerritt2832]

Yes, yes, yes on the "always busy" " important things to do" implying YOU are unimportant. Then you notice they are doing nothing more than watching TV or something so mundane like moving a sprinkler, that it is laughable. Ask them "what busy?" that like it is beyond your intelligence to comprehend, or get disporportantly angry. This applies even if they stay home. Really, this is how they escape lowering themselves to responsibility and accountability or even acknowledging others exist or have needs or deserve the perks of partnership.

[@micheleshively8557]

My guy was constantly busy, never time for any of my honey dos. We both simultaneously got sick with black mold poisoning. About 7 years ago. After dealing with his illness daily, doing all the household chores, cleaning everything, taking the dog out and playing with her, dealing with his parents on a daily basis,(we live on their land), I finally wore out and went to stay with my sister 150 miles away. It was the 3 1/2 best months of my existence with him. My sis was an overt narc, but she had reeled me in in her babyhood, but I really enjoyed that. She died a year after we had spent the time together, and I really did adore her. I unfortunately came back to him. That was 2017 and when I googled why does my husband hate me? And found the reason. Still like a dummy I stayed 3 more years

[@unknownstranger6875]

I am sorry you all went through this. I was in a relationship with one last year. I had been secretly in love with him for years, he never knew it. Even when we got together he didn’t know it because he never gave me the chance to tell him. Because much like with you all he became inconsistent with communication. When I confronted him about it, he didn’t say he was busy, he said he’s just not used to really talking to people one on one. Yet he was on social media all day and night long talking to other people, while devoting only a few minutes to me. We talked hours late into the night at first, but I guess once he thought he “had me” he thought I’d put up with him. I left him soon after. I won’t even speak of the despicable act he did that caused me to leave him. Just so you all know when a man or woman isn’t making time for you, it means he or she is not interested. This is how I knew, painful as it was, that he was not serious about me. I observed this kind of behavior with mutual friends. One friend just wanted to hear from another, yet he claimed he didn’t really talk much to people, yet he was constantly talking to the woman he had a crush on. Someone who loves you and is healthy will not be “too busy” or give you the awful excuse that “they just don’t talk much to people”

[@annbritanilsson]

Thank you

[@annbritanilsson]

@@vickimerritt2832 I've seen someone so busy they physically turn their neck so far the opposite way to making eye contact with me that I wondered if their neck would snap. For all else there's the screens lol.

[@izawaniek2568]

Steadiness and peace. We must take relationships slowly and carefully.

[@katalinmcewan]

Initially, I thought he was also an empath, but some things just didn’t add up. Imagine my shock when a year later bought my first book on NPD and it was literally written about him! I wasn’t crazy after all! 😁

[@naomieleonora]

Kindness without "sincerity" equals manipulation. But "Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am kind to everyone, but when someone is unkind to me, weak is not what you are going to remember about me." Al Capone

[@michellefarris3961]

Yeah, not a great person to quote. That's a narc justifying his criminality.

[@naomieleonora]

@@michellefarris3961 this is an example a person tried to take advantages from his neighbor's kindness. Toni played a victim. kzbin.info/www/bejne/i4a9cnZnaNmSfrc

[@scotttully8572]

They know what they're doing. But they arrive when we're ready to see something incredible: how WE treat ourselves, how our egos are treating our own souls... Feels crappy, doesn't it? See this clearly and learn your lesson. That's the only way to be sure you will never attract another narcissist. 🙏 I never learned as much about this pattern as I did from the narcissist. God bless us all!

[@L.Akosua]

"Sometimes charm and charisma are like perfume people put on when they haven't showered" - Dr. Ramani Durvasula, clinical psychologist

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Wish I had said that first! Dr. C

[@L.Akosua]

@@SurvivingNarcissism 😄 It is a powerful statement, one of Dr. Ramani's favourites, but you explained it so well! Thank you for these videos 😊💕

[@ginarobichaux]

Dear Dr. Les, I am grateful to the moon and back ninefold for you sharing your keen sense of who is the narcissist. I am Snow White and you are the Prince who broke through the bramble and thorn hedges to kiss me and awaken me from the sad sleep of scapegoat, being unlovable, useless, unworthy and blame ridden. I’ve woken up thanks to you. FOREVER I am grateful for your mission.🥰

[@Nutritionistheanswer]

It is important to know while not as flashy and over the top this also happens with those who have covert narcissistic tendencies.

[@gertrudewest4535]

Thanks for your time and kindness. Working my ass off to be a member of that 20%.

[@racebannon96]

I got out of a 6 year relationship a year ago. The only reason it lasted that long was I was the one that was doing all the work and compromising. I ignored the numerous Red Flags. I continued to pay for everything, adjust my routine that fitted in with her Breadcrumbing appearances, and her unavailability when it came to answering her phone. The bread-up fog has cleared and Im still recognizing how I was played. I do take some blame spending so much time and energy trying to make it work. Be careful.

[@krisztina442]

I'm really grateful for this one! As I see it, it's their major trap: they can hide their real character for quite a long time. Of course, there are ALWAYS some subtle signs warning that something is off. When I 'analysed' my initial conversations with these people, I could see these signs. Some of them were not even subtle: I realized them on the spot but I didn't take them seriously. I should have... How can we find the right balance between 'overanalyzing' someone new and simply enjoying the company of someone new? E.g. recently I've had some meaningful conversations with new people about hobbies, the current situation around us, etc. Later on I realized that I'm still friendly and I like engaging in interesting convos as long as the other person is polite and has good manners. And then instead of being happy and satisfied I started my analysis: Did I reveal too much of myself? Why was I friendly again? I shouldn't have said anything, etc. There was a narcissist in my life who was excellent at mirroring. He knew what I was interested in and miraculously he was interested in the same things... That's how it began and the end was a disaster. So I should be much more careful with new people.

[@wifferstess2824]

This is a hard lesson I learned about taking the time to get to know someone. That's why you need to see how how the other person is whenever there is stress, strain, or tension because that reveals their real character. And you need to see it consistently but a good sign something is off is when that person you're seeing can suddenly go from normal to rage instantly over what others including yourself would consider small or benign matters.

[@Donita1213]

@@wifferstess2824 OMG! , What you just said, it's so true it's scary. That instant anger for hardly nothing. That's when The walking on eggshells start.

[@aliceroberts1980]

Yes I was in the car with My narcissist and he was being very normal and nice engaging very very normal and it just hit me all at once my god this is how !!! what he did to me this is how he got into my life because he can play normal to a T very nice person until you live with them or you marry them and they have you where they want you then I’ll come to the monster I got your money to build other house and turn into a monster. He would fool anyone and he still does!! I actually scary.

[@nehla47]

@Krisztina Keep doing what you're doing. It's important to be a little more attentive and cautious about every relationship you form regardless of how the media and other people portray relationships as this spontaneous, fun thing that you shouldn't think too deeply about or be careful of. So many people are suffering in toxoc relationships but are either too ashamed or unaware enough to talk about it. Eventually, you notice the patterns orf love-bombing, mirroring, high-level charisma, hypocrisy, negativity, and an absence of deep emotional depth from these clowns early on. Never feel too obligated towards someone you just met. It can actually be detected within the 1st face to face conversation in some cases.

[@krisztina442]

@@nehla47 Thank you, your words are very important to me, it's good to get feedback and affirmation!

[@sallyb4871]

Love the 20% comment. Realistic, and makes me feel better about having some healthy skepticism. Thank you!!!

[@marilynwarbis7224]

Yes, I was groomed by charm which could be cut by a knife. And my first mistake was to take seriously everything he said.

[@drebugsita]

"Kindness without honesty equals manipulation" - wow you nailed it! My narcissistic sister is "the golden child" and her motto is, especially facing differences, to "kill them with kindness!" The thing is this equates to a form of gas lighting, covering up her history of verbally and even physically attacking me. Thank you for finally putting into words what I have known I was witnessing

[@TheLiquidCat]

I'm such a mess right now. I think I've been friends with a narcissist for years but it's only become obvious to me recently as we've spent more time together. But I keep questioning myself that maybe I'm being too harsh on them, and then they do something that seems manipulative or designed to make me feel inferior and again I tell myself I'm being harsh and interpreting it wrong. I'm going round and round like this all the time. My head is so cluttered and I fear I'm a bad person for having these thoughts. I have a history of anxiety and low self-esteem.

[@leahboynton1280]

The first sign is your inner compass. They are always a two trick pony, meaning they have one or two talents or impressive things they do but if you scratch a bit further it's an empty shell. At the start they will push against your boundaries. They don't like questions being asked of them because they have to create a narrative that sugar coats their lack of self. They will speak of exploiting others and be proud of it. They will be overwhelming you will attention to the point where you neglect your own needs. You will feel a magnetism that's superficial but intoxicating. They will talk about how others think they are fantastic. If you are a narc expert you will see exactly what they will expect out of you by listening to what others in their life do for them.

[@jori7398]

When you used the word grooming, it totally resonated. I just went no contact on a new friend of three months who’s personality and company I was enjoying except for a few urgent traits-including fixation on me. Although my guard was down, my instincts started screaming, Runnn! So I did. To be fair, I’m not sure she is a narcissist, but something is off and I didn’t want to stick around and find out what that something is. Thanks, Doc! And happy new year!

[@Catbooks]

I got fooled by one like this. The one thing that made me uneasy right from the start was she never let her guard down. After many years I figured she couldn't keep up an act for that long, but I was wrong.

[@Nutritionistheanswer]

I wish I understood trust but verify when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I knew that actions spoke louder than words but I did not understand how to test and check and verify. It would have saved me many problems and worlds of pain.

[@Nutritionistheanswer]

@@chriswyma145 Yes. There were a few words that meant different things than I understood them to me. The narcissist said he was sensitive which I think of as trying to understand someone’s point of view but to him it means hypersensitive and hypercritical thinking everything is about him or someone is out to get him which gives him an excuse to play the victim. He said he trusted me which to him meant I can take advantage of you. He acted like he was honest which was far different than what I was taught. I was taught your word is your bond. He acts like if it’s not an outright lie it doesn’t count. He doesn’t understand that an intention does not equal a result or a consequence. He likes to throw out the word I try or I tried as if it is enough. If I ask how is it measured, is it accountable or how do you know he scoffs it off? He does not think things should be backed up by action or proof. I used to try to explain how this would never work in the real world. Who would care about the fireman who said I tried to put out the fire but forgot to connect the hose to the fire hydrant?? Or the policeman who forgot to notify his partner or ask for backup? Who would expect to keep their job if they forgot to do the work but yet this is supposed to be acceptable in relationships?

[@izzybizzy9230]

When I met my ex-husband he was the best individual that I'd never met. He portrayed himself as the perfect partner on every way, so caring and considerate, so understanding. Things quickly changed once the relationship was solidified. He starting showing his ugly and nasty side. It was a real shock!

[@shewins3775]

I’m so here for this... I think you pick up on it when they don’t go in depth with compassion/encouragement in a situation you may have went through. It’s like blanket statements and that’s it.

[@christinesbetterknitting4533]

This is very true. They say the formulas and share no emotion.

[@shewins3775]

@@christinesbetterknitting4533 Absolutely!

[@micheleshively8557]

Yep no sign of true amazement or empathy

[@texkit1]

I would add another pattern of narcissisms. That they are easy to anger. Their anger early on is not towards you but over simple things. Like getting angry in traffic or when their order comes out wrong. They will tell you they are sorry, make excuses for their anger. Like having a bad day or feeling stress. It is easy to not take it seriously. You will see a pattern of it as time goes on. Why you are so right. Have patients when meeting new people and learning about them. Not to rush any relationship. Thanks :)

[@harleyquinn5774]

“Strong bias that disables them from being able to engage with people.” My second Narc ex who briefly ran a comic book store was deliberately hostile to any potential customers entering who did not look like a typical life long comic book reader. His comic store closed after 7 years.

[@larainehruby1376]

Talk about being literally “groomed”! My N sat on the cozy front steps with me and started to pick lint or something off me and I hardly even knew him!!

[@oscarwilliamson1128]

Laraine Hruby,You look cute 🥰,Hope you are not with a narcissist….

[@CL-lo4wd]

Kindness without honesty is manipulation- this is so deep, and so obvious, but until you said it I never thought of it! Thank you Dr. C!

[@dardar267]

I sure wish I knew “to go slow” when I was 20 years old. I got entangled with the most charming, attractive, effervescent, humorous, classy and successful 34 year old narcissist on the planet - so you can only imagine what the love-bombing phase was like! He didn’t present as a narcissist whatsoever for quite some time and eventually did disengage from me to return to his wife (they were separated) and sadly he hunted me down on FB, 40 years later. Due to the way he expeditiously ended our relationship, I was traumatized and never received closure and now would love to see him again😩🤯. I know it is the worst thing I could do for mental health, so instead I am listening to multiple videos of yours Dr. C, every day to gain the strength, courage and resolve to go no-contact. The narcissist truly is a mesmerizing and addictive person to some of us. Wish me luck, I’m going to need it!

[@cairosilver2932]

It's harder to get closure by yourself, but not impossible

[@DannyPansters]

Forget it. A Cluster B person (not just NPDs) never gives you closure. Never ever.

[@cynthiafortier2540]

They dont change. I had to have the cops convince him that I was done. They are quite mentally I'll and can not hold a reasonable conversation. Sad.

[@jannajacob219]

You can resist him, you are stronger than you think. Try thinking of him as a character in a trite romance novel; shallow, 2 dimensional, and boring to have to deal with in real life. Sure it's fun to read about, but you got the worn and tattered paperback from a used book store, you won't read it again, so instead of storing it on a bookshelf you donate it to a charity to sell.

[@desicoinc.7956]

You are so right. I traveled to the West Coast, to be with a man who would be kind to me. He lured me into his trap, which surfaced the 1st day I was with him. But I knew no one here, and that's what he liked. But I made it out alive, but not unscathed. Thank You, Dr. Carter. ❤

[@susanq6398]

Same for me but another country. Alarming traits started to show almost immediately but I made excuses for it. I had committed myself completely by leaving everything and moving to his country. I had none to turn to and no understanding of what was happening really . I was only 18 at the time. 43 years later with the help of channels like this I now have a name for this person- an aggressive narcissist. Three children and myself badly damaged in the meantime. It’s time to leave.

[@surfthewav3]

Yes it is pretty good advice here. Everybody that I have encountered that put a lot of pressure to be friends quickly instead of letting things happen organically, have all ended up showing signs of narcissism. It always feels awkward. And you can tell that they are frustrated that I am not rushing to be friends. But then again, I still find that these people do show signs of narcissism very quickly. The more problematic ones are those that already have an entourage and that attract you using the group of people. This delays the coming out of the narc. And it is confusing because having people appreciate them all the while they are being rude to you later on is a big part of the gaslighting.

[@MegaMindyLou]

OMG, so much hindsight. Thank you so much for these validating videos. I was one of these who were duped.

[@Barbara-ki9fb]

"Kindness without honesty equals manipulation" - YES!! I wish I had listened to this prior to my last long-term relationship, and had not ignored the red flags. I sure do hear it now! Thanks so much!!

[@margaretdixon8588]

Thank you so so much this is exactly 💯 my husband for 22 years and I don't even realize just started to listen to some videos and learning all this make me feel so sick and 😔

[@susanq6398]

Same here. I just couldn’t understand the aggressiveness and would make excuses for it. Recently the narcissistic behavior is more pronounced or maybe I am getting a concentrated dose of it since he has retired. Some actions and statements are truly alarming. After 43 years of this garbage I’m really tired and burned out. It’s time to go

[@magicunicorn6535]

I've dealt with some narcissists pretty easily by just being my own, aloof self. On occasions in the past where I wanted to join in on activities that the narcissist was the leader of, I was told "You can join us, but you'll have to commit to doing this, that and the other thing for me, if you want to be with us." In each case I've just politely told them that it didn't sound like that was going to be my particular cup of tea after all, and that I'd rather do something else instead. That worked well. That narcissist backed off on trying to control me, and since then we've been able to do some activities together, although not in that person's group. Now they know that I'm just as happy doing my own thing alone as I am with other people, so I can't be successfully manipulated. Another narcissist I know will always be in their own world of self-perceived superstardom, so I just ignore them and ghost them on social media. Although I see them and sometimes participate with them during certain group activities, we each just go our own way at this point because they realize I won't engage or react.

[@gloriacoleman7012]

This is a covert narc, do not trust until you know them , anyone getting married should go on a marriage course find out if you have the same core values and morals, always observe what they say do and what they don't do.

[@Suzu52]

Guess it was a "red flag" when he fell asleep in the marriage course.?..true story...AND the birthing class...I was SO naive, trusting for decades.....it took 4 decades for me to see who this person was...well actually he showed me much earlier- I just wouldn't t believe it because I had always been told all issues in marriage were because of ME.....he even said things like that in front of my small-teenage sons.....they STILL have no idea what MY experience was like

[@gloriacoleman7012]

@@Suzu52Yes the first thing my ex NPD did was when we were pronounced man and wife was he looked around at his parents family and his freinds,I should have run when I was having a cesarian to deliver our son he sat on a stall by me not talking he didn't touch me and I complained a nurse stuck up for him, he held my hand when I asked, just downhill all the way. Got out my son and I have a good life now nice home safe and peaceful.

[@lynnefisk9774]

Thank Dr. Carter for all of your videos. Your videos are right on with what I have been experiencing too long. However, when I started watching your videos, I started getting my self-esteem and self-confidence back. I can't stay with him anymore. I'm trying to find a way to get out. I realize he will never change and doesn't want to. My health has declined so much since I have been with him for 7 years and my relationships with my family and friends. I realize i am not alone unfortunately. Thank you for giving me strength

[@kathiejl1]

I have several health problems and now wonder if it’s because of being emotionally drained in this toxic environment. I try hard to spend time with people who like to laugh or watch a funny movie. But it’s only like once a week so doesn’t last or combat the tension I get from him.

[@deborahlangley2806]

I wish I had found you 20 years ago, would have saved me from a lot of heartache, so glad I’ve found you now!!! Thank you!!!

[@traceymateer7251]

That is EXACTLY what happened to me!! Almost word for word! Unfortunately I had already moved in with him before his true narcissistic personality started to show itself, which was not only confusing to me but painful as well. I've learned how to protect my feelings over the years, part in help by your videos Dr Carter. It's a rather lonely existence but I hang with "normal" friends, have my own outside interests, and give him very little in the way of "narcissistic supply". Not anymore, and never again. Thank you for your wonderful videos. I dare say you have helped many people stuck with a narcissistic partner. You've helped me anyway. Thank-you, Tracey Mateer

[@JettBlast]

I avoid most people because many are Narcissists and being an Empath many people love using, abusing, then accusing you! Others are Narcissists and enjoy attacking you and bullying you and telling everyone that you deserve it because you aren't them and you should know your place in this world...I have a very small circle and even careful what I do and say with them...and if you approach them and tell the Narcissist what going on they become the victim and accuse you of all their issues...

[@womanclothedinthesunq7574]

So broke over here I'm grateful to be paying attention 🤠🎉🍿. Thank you for all you do 🤗.

[@sal8815]

40 years this summer for me. Raised by an overt narc mother so when I married a charming, church going, humble, quiet, shy acting COVERT narc I thought I was doing better. Found the word narcissist 9 years ago so now it all makes sense. He's not physically or verbally abusive at all. Plays the victim card. Just quietly passive aggressive and really believes his distorted rendition of reality. That's why it took me so long to figure this out. He had me gaslighted to think all the marriage problems were all my fault. Dr. C and Dr. Ramani have helped so much. I'm still with him and its bearable because I've got his number and know the score and I make aware decisions now to protect my boundaries and take care of myself.

[@davinityt.741]

Thanks Dr. Carter. I was wondering this about an individual I met after being in a two year transaction with a narcissist male was this guy one also. I didn't want to attach that handle to him, but he displayed so many traits I couldn't help but to think so. I walked away six months ago. Couldn't take anymore of the "zombing" . Thank you for your help.

[@shan8215]

So was with my narc 4 years. Finally left and getting on with life. Letting all the rest know there is hope and you can get through it.

[@redrum3835]

I'm in a 12 step program this way is very much like what the program suggests the problem is not everyone there actually wants to remove there pathological ways it can make some rooms too sick for me to attend

[@amyleigh9417]

Excellent, Dr.C, absolutely spot on description & excellent advice. “Kindness without honesty equals manipulation”-never forget this! Of course, it can be so difficult to know that you aren’t receiving honesty. My narcissist specializes in partial truth, so that they can technically say “Hey, I didn’t lie”. Ok, but it isn’t honest if you omit massive parts of reality! Excellent red flag advice to notice when someone is eager to move too fast.

[@cairosilver2932]

I think it's up to you if they are honest as you see it, not whether they admit to it.