Neglect in Your Childhood Trained You to Pretend You're OK

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If your parents made it a problem that you needed their love and attention, you may have have internalized the belief that there's something wrong and dirty and shameful about you and your feelings. In families where the expectation of loyalty and honesty only created horrible arguments, you may have trained yourself not to need loyalty and honesty -- not to expect much -- and to never admit that you long for someone to love you and commit to you. What tends to happen with these damaged expectations is that you DON'T receive love and commitment in your adult relationships. This is the tragedy of what our culture calls "The Cool Girl." In this "best of" compilation I share a series of excerpts from videos where I teach the path to recovery for women and men who are overcoming childhood trauma, and learning to expect and recognize the full and committed love and partnership.
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[@robertpina99]

This was a helpful video for me. It explains so much about the way I have approached meeting others. I love the way you gently dispel the fog of fantasy we limerent individuals cloak around the objects of our affection.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@anetabo9300]

Well said 😊

[@courtneybrubaker9738]

I use to say to the ex”Don’t worry about me, I’m ok.” I’m no bother. My needs were someone else’s burden so I learned I could connect as long as I wasn’t in need. It also made me feel like the asterisk at the bottom of the page, not to expect my needs/wants to be honored and certainly not to be tended to.

[@sheilagavin6536]

❤

[@eleanor4759]

I'm so sorry 😢

[@jessicaboyd9148]

The asterisk…. I know that feeling too. 😢

[@Janevelyn]

I know the feeling too!❤

[@pamsee9548]

I used to say to my ex, “I’m low maintenance, but I’m not NO maintenance.” He never got it! Thus the divorce! 😢

[@chantalszemenyei4523]

I am "the cool girl", except I am not. I'm a grown 38 year old women who is acting like a child! Thank you for all the awareness ❤️

[@cherbuck1525]

I identify with so much...oldest taking care of siblings, absent father, taking care of mother's emotional needs, hide emotions and needs, don't upset mom.

[@thecommonsensecapricorn]

When I worked in the service industry, anytime a coworker asked for my shift I would say yea. I always said “I’ll be fine, they probably need it more than me”. Anytime a boss said “someone can leave early” I would say “it’s okay you go ahead”. I didn’t realize how long I treated myself like I was so much less valuable than every one else in the world. I always had reasons why I didn’t deserve the things I wanted or needed. Still very much working through that.

[@Verena101]

Then you stop it now and do it different.😅 Did you try allready? Every monent you do yourself good, you can hug yourself 😊. Could you experience behaving different then in the last time and if so, how was the reaction of the other collegues? 😊

[@phoenixmode6909]

Same. I'm also trying to overcome that mindset and behavior, leave it behind me, and take my inner child's hand and moving forward together, toward a healthier and happier life. She and I, we can do this, together. At almost 60, it's about damn time I did this.

[@Cantthinkofwhatshouldgohere]

Within the first 30 seconds of this video I was like “oh boy this is me.”

[@adikanashiat431]

"i just lost a vision, not a real thing." Ma'am this will get me through a lot thanks

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@corsothehealer]

“You need fun and joy in your life- without fun and joy some crappy relationship starts to look like the best offer there is” 🎉 2:04:48

[@Verena101]

I find it Not easy to have fun with some very hard experiences and since being over 30...it started inside something like, time is running. Not because of having kids only, but more because of finding not the right partner until now. This kinda feeling: all good men are married allready. And to find new friends is not easy too, because the most are in relationships and then the women are often nervous and jealous. Only a friend from my youth, is fine with it. And she is in a marriage with an alcoholic. He is mostly nice. But....she stays anyway. And she doesn't like it, if friends say, that this is a problem. So I didn't say anything about it. Only when it affects the kids, I did. But more like asking.... Anyway, she was so far my longest friend. 18 years allready 🙂. And I had had Always friends, not much, but had them. But as older I got, it didn't feel the same or it became hatder to find new friends and that they have enough in common with me and me with them. ... Does someone connect to this? How did you make new friends at a certain age? Love to read about it 😊

[@kathyduer7108]

Hi Fairy. This episode was a gut punch but also an eye opener. Neglect leaves life long scars. Im over 70 and I know😢

[@sheilakirby5616]

ABSOLUTELY MY FRIEND ❣️❣️❣️

[@godzillamanstreb524]

I’m 65….now I am nurturing only sincere, reciprocal, warm, honest relationships….that’s it!☃️

[@fluentinoverthinking]

I only realised how *ucked up my upbringing was when I got my first job and everyone kept saying ‘why are you apologizing all the time? It’s ok! You’re not bugging us. It’s your first day/month/year”. I always felt like something is wrong with me and I am not competent but at the same time I felt guilty when asking for help or advice even though it was a work environment and they were supposed to teach me! I got so used to the fact that my needs were neglected and I was always a burden to my parents that I was afraid of talking to anyone, not only customers! When I look back on the recordings of my phone calls etc it feels like I’m about to cry every time I interact with someone. I had so much anxiety I developed chronic insomnia, couldn’t sleep for 5 days in a row! I see significant improvements after doing therapy for one year already but it makes me sad that I couldn’t even figure out what was wrong.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm glad you're doing better now and we're all so happy to have you as part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@Verena101]

I feel with you.

[@lunagrace8717]

The real creepy thing is when people invade your privacy and then talk about your behavior

[@bamafencer12]

Which causes us to not open up, lol can't win.

[@ebbyc1817]

@lunagrace8717 what do you mean please tell...

[@racheldahliamusic]

In what sense?

[@someonesomewhere8325]

Interesting !

[@robertpina99]

Oliver Sacks has talked about helping a client work through the limerance she had for a much younger man. He said he was saddened by this because after getting over the limerance his client was left having to face the emptiness of her life. Sadly, she had failed to cultivate meaningful relationships, and limerance gave her life purpose. Thanks so much for also giving your letter writers strategies to begin reaching out to others in a healthy way.

[@KathyHussey063]

yes but at least leaving the fantasy world she was in allows her to use her energy, what time, money, energy she has, to actually build some REAL relationships or goput in some quality time with those she was ignoring during her limerance distraction.. A lot of people will ignore their own kids, friends, parents, everyone when they are obsessed with a person who gives them zero back, they'll be jumping for a person who's treating them like a toy to use or ignoring them totally or just using them. But it's the worst thing anyone in love can do is to just focus on that 1 person for months or years because EVERYONE needs to have many different people in their lives and othrs need that woman too. If you throw away everyone who cares about you when one person wants to dominate all your time, that will never end up going well. What'll they do when that person leaves them or gets killed or when they need someone to help them because the person turned horrible and beat them? NEVER give up peoplefor any romantic relationship, if they require that of you, they are NOT caring about YOUR happiness.

[@FriendMariaAdrianna]

"primed to long for someone you could not have" This smacked me so hard because my parents were very strict growing up and every time I got a boyfriend I really liked they forced me to break up with them. My romantic life in high school was basically me wanting people I was not allowed to have. I wonder if this has something to do with struggling with limerence my whole life

[@denasharpe2393]

I really thought l was the only person who grow up this way and with these wounds...

[@FriendMariaAdrianna]

@@denasharpe2393 me too, that's why I like this channel. As soon as I saw the name crappy childhood fairy I knew this was for me 🤍

[@Verena101]

Hm....Out of my petsonal experience, I would say no. Because my mother didn't care whom I dated and never the less I experienced limerances from time to time. Well mostly a few years inbetween. So I guess it hast more to do with the love lack and lack of support and interest from side of my , parents,, then other. So the lack of love of the parents is probably more the reason. What do you think?

[@healingv1sion]

8:31 oh my god, shes absolutely correct; the dynamic between my parents was trash; all my mom did was talk ish about my dad, and then in the next breath, she would say well thats your father though, love him; it led to sooooo much cognitive dissonance in my relationship with my father; my siblings are still stuck in it; im going to look into this priming subject; seems very important to the healing process. I love this channel, really makes me think a lot

[@w8what575]

My mother is this same way about my dad…who is oblivious to everything because he’s so naive…he’s been with one woman ever and was going to be a priest before meeting my mom…he still believes most people are good and if something happens to us it’s our fault…that we deserve it because we did something that people didn’t like and that’s why people are rude and mean to us….I found out later it was my kitchen talking bad about us kids too to her friends at work.,.Walmart…so of course the entire town knows her version of us and they make it n own they hate us.,,my aunt can’t stand any of the kids or my dad who isn’t perfect but he’s the most loyal husband and dad I’ve ever heard of….he works so hard and my mother has always lied to him and hidden things like debt and then hen he finds out …of course he’s gonna be upset! But that’s her excuse as to why she hides things from him..she spends money on junk and has caused us to be so poor it directly affected me as a small child…I remember having severe anxiety at 5 years old…she blames everything and everyone else for “what’s wrong with me” it’s always been what’s wrong with me …never anyone else’s actions contributing to what’s wrong with me…thankfully I’ve had the benefit of information at my fingertips that I can rationalize what happened and that I’m not the problem..,I was just the dumping ground and didn’t deserve it

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

All my mom has ever done is vent about everyone and then act fake to their faces. I’m her punching bag so because I think I might be autistic I’ve felt extremely confused when my mom has gotten extremely abusive to me when I do the very same things she does like venting. I’m in the wrong I’m a horrible person, but I was only doing what I learned from her.

[@MissBluebirddays]

Same, my parents and my sister have such toxic relationships. I want mine to be different and have been working on healing for years, so worth it!

[@imbolc8024]

@@w8what575 feels like my own experience all you write 😢and from @healingv1sion writes = same... hugs for you both from Belgium (it's hORRIBLE though and stays that way such manners-behaviours). For me it became like, i only have contact with my parents (i do love them & realise & see my mother her trauma's, she does not see them. And my father doesn't realise it at all). And all the rest of the family i had to 'let them go', bc it's killing people who aren't like that; Not that i'm perfect oh no, not that destructive tho O.o.

[@g.flesch9731]

​@@Sarah-with-an-Hwe had a mom who allowed herself to cry but if we cried about some hurt or disappointment she would get mad at us. How dare anyone get their needs met besides her. One sister admitted hiding in a closet to cry so mom would not know and shame her crying.

[@FallenMuse81]

I broke that pattern.

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

I haven’t, but in one area. Never had kids of my own so the generational trauma stoped with me. I was too damaged to connect in a healthy way in my reproductive years.

[@FallenMuse81]

@@Sarah-with-an-H I do have a child I just happen to have a good set of friends that became family who always have my back no matter what my actual family does that's where my strength came from

[@kathymyers7279]

Bozo button.

[@vius0013]

I had a very similar situation as the first girl. About having "the closure" talk doesn't help at all, you let everything out and tried to be as honest as possible, but inside you just wish that the guy realizes how much he was missing and take you seriously this time, but unfortunately, It won't, is just going to make you feel let down and you will have to start all over again because love makes us feel hopeful. My "ex" even pretended he understood my feelings, I think in the end I was just giving him information to manipulate the situation better next time. Don't be a victim, you don't need his approval to get closure, and yes you are going to miss him and think about him a lot, but it will be less and less with time. Heal yourself, you are stronger than you think

[@mayamusse2688]

It hurts to move on but if we match forward it gets better. I hope we can all learn to let go without having to explain ourselves.

[@carolynhestandkennedy]

You’re exactly right: the closure talk gives a manipulator information he can use

[@marypatriciadomhan3853]

Isn’t it interesting that so many dating coaches preach and teach women to be the “cool girl”?

[@JustSaralius]

I don't know what I want. I don't even know what is reasonable for me to want. I also don't know what I can give in a relationship.

[@Treebard]

Then you're in a good place. Find out by exploring! Good luck!

[@JustHereToHear]

Depends on if this is your flavour but you can check out Rabbi Daniel Lapin... His perspective changed my approach to relationships.

[@lynnebucher6537]

I've struggled with that too. As I've aged I've decided I am going to figure out what I want, what I DON'T WANT, and deliberately select that in a potential mate. I've let the man control the pace of the relationship before, and obviously that isn't working.

[@corsothehealer]

🎉”The sooner you get out of half baked relationship, you are taking a giant step towards true love, even though all you see is that you are alone on Saturday night! Alone on Saturday night is pregnant with possibilities!” 2:03:32 ❤🎉🎉🎉

[@Verena101]

Hm...

[@morganchampagne9362]

The moment I realized that I was not telling partners what I wanted or being honest about my feelings because I knew they didn't feel the same way or they would leave me was the day I woke up. I didn't get perfect right then, but I started therapy immediately. It has been one foot in front of The other for years now and some days are harder than others. BUt once you have that realization its hard to stay in the same unhealthy dynamics.

[@corsothehealer]

On assertivity when searching a right match: 🎉“You get very clear about what you need and prepare to speak up for it and walk away when that’s not what it is”. 🎉 1:52:57 “You need to draw the line, you need to get very clear about who could possibly that right person for you and identify the characteristics of someone who is and someone who is not - there is a line there and YOU DO NOT DATE people below that line.” 1:53:32 The advice that got me married in under a year’s time ❤

[@Verena101]

Wow 🤩❤🎉

[@SinaLaJuanaLewis]

I always prided myself on being low maintenance. But that was the neglect speaking. I took such bottom of the barrel from men.😢

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We can relate here! Thanks for your comment! If you're interested, Anna has a whole Dating & Relationships webcourse: bit.ly/CCF-Dating We also have free resources, like Daily Practice, Anna's foundational technique: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice And a free-by-email Dating Quiz: bit.ly/Dating-Quiz Julie@TeamFairy

[@HildeAzul]

The whole video I am screaming inside, “tell him how you feel!” Once I was able to do this I met my husband. Who is the opposite of neglectful narcissist. I missed out on so many cool relationships because I felt I wasn’t worthy so I played these “games” we all deserve “true love” I say true love in terms of love from someone that respects us and treats us as though we are everything that our negative thoughts tell us that we are not.

[@Verena101]

Oh so nice to hear, you allready found someone fitting und Love able ❤. Thats nice. May I ask, where you did met hin? In those days, or being No more so young, it's more difficult to find someone.

[@HildeAzul]

@@Verena101 Thanks! I am so very lucky. He has his faults but they are benign (like he is messy and I can’t function in mess but he was raised by wolves and he tries). I met my husband snowboarding. He was actually my coach and it was “love at first sight.” I didn’t love him so to speak but in the instant felt something rush through my body and knew I would marry him. He is emotionally mature and is happy to listen to me. He doesn’t judge me. He is rarely upset at me and only is upset when I act like an AH to him.

[@Verena101]

@@HildeAzul that sounds good all in all 😀💗. And today I watched a video from Marshall B. Rosenberg (Communication Trainer of the Communication without Violance)...He said something nice, like everybody hast a free will. Accept that. But you can ask the person, if he or she would be ready to clean or tidy Up at the weekend...,would you be ready to do that? He said that this mostly helps, because people want to have free choice. 🙂 Your relationship sounds also like friendship in there, this is wonderful. And like you were ment to have met. I wish best luck and love Fürther more💓💝. Thank you for sharing your nice story!

[@bermei5187]

I've been in my "cool guy" era, which I call the "laid back nonchalant guy". I tell myself I'm this way because I'm not sure of what I want so I leave myself open to any opportunity that comes my way, but whenever a relationship doesn't work out I realize if I had set boundaries for myself, I wouldn't have wasted my time and hers in the first place. I think my laid back approach also comes from feeling like I don't have control over who I want to be with, so I just leave myself open to whoever comes my way (dating app culture probably has many men feeling this way). Then I end up in these relationships that just don't feel right one way or another, even though I try to make it work. This brings up the whole "how can a guy act like he's into you and then leave so easily" topic because I've been that guy before based off my approach to dating lately.

[@Dreabee83]

On read is pronounced red. Alot of english is not used in american english. I think why my english teacher used to rant so much about americanised english. He used to say they bastardised it, we loved when he kinda swore.😂 Ah new memory unlocked. Thank you ❤

[@psychedlicsouljam1995]

yes, like , He left me on read..ususally people have the little grey check mark turn blue when they read it, or something of the sort. (he read it but didnt bother to reply)

[@lillianbarker4292]

It seems like the men who would have been good for me always seemed boring while the ones who were bad were exciting. I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out.

[@BoldlyDream]

The 3rd story by Loren seems like they both have CPTSD, because limerence can happen to both people. It’s the worst relationship because you can’t fix anyone. A person can only change themselves and this work is hard. “From Surviving to Thriving” by Pete Walker

[@sophiafaith]

1:07:35 I love these letters, so many of them I find I can really relate to. I’m having a tough day today, realizing AGAIN that I’ve settled for crumbs, and still I’m “friends” with him. Trauma bonding? check

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You're in the right place and we're so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@ebbyc1817]

at this point for me the line is so blurred between feeling ok , and actually being ok. My pattern in most situations is to find a way to cope if I can't get out of it straight away, if I can't leave the job, of if I can't move out of the place, I find ways to cope with it and other things to focus on. I don't see what the alternative is, feel miserable everyday, cry everyday ? That's so draining. and nobody wants to be around someone who complains all the time and I don't want to be around that person (Me). The problem is, in the past, I've allowed those situations to go on for too long. Coping for 6 months is one thing, coping for x years is another. So I hope I don't let it happen again.

[@Verena101]

Same. I understand you so much! But yes, first get the power and strength back and more money and then move... Where would you like to go? Have you an idea? Will you have to go alone or with someone?

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

This hits home. I’m not ok but I’ve had to act like I am and I haven’t ever really been capable of being fully functioning. I need help, but the kind of help I’m used to getting is abusive and I have a lot of problems. I am incapable of follow through and I’m only just now figuring out how to tackle my hoarding problem and I’ve barely made a dent. I know I just need some wins. The abuse though continues and I’m always the problem and my anxiety is constantly triggered because I have to rely as an adult on my mother who is my main abuser and is wildly out of control when I can’t do things. I have CPTSD, rheumatoid arthritis, I might be autistic, I show signs of ADD or ADHD, high blood pressure, depression….. I’m a very broken person and to not get abused I had to act like I was ok when the last time I was ok I was a little girl. I didn’t even know optimistic meant positive because when I was about 11 I said something really pessimistic in conversation to my mom and instead of her recognition that I’m having trouble and need help she neglected my needs and sarcastically quipped I was so optimistic. I’m just so broken and I’m not allowed to express any of it.

[@JRPLawyeress1]

I’m so sorry.

[@punyashloka4946]

Sorry 😞 hope you find your healing.

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

@@punyashloka4946 I’m working on it so I’ll get there

[@Verena101]

I understand you. 💓

[@virginiaflores8052]

Hi, I am 78 years old and I feel the same way that young men did. I grew up with 10 kids and two parents never told us that they loved us. I gotta bend it twice by now through my ears so I know how he feels.

[@PeleRana-pp6zc]

I’m wondering if the lady who is feeling limerance might be entangled with a man who is either married or has another partner he is involved with and just likes the extra attention. This is an entanglement which will likely never match up to expectations.

[@Verena101]

​@@elipotter369yes. Some men do it like this. And some women too. But more men, as I realized.

[@AdrianaFilip-ql7pd]

I was raised to have a lot of guilt and shame for being me. I try to forgive myself for letting other people to tell me what I should be and do. I am feeling a lot of anger , resentments and guilt. I am hopeful that one day I will be free. Thank you Ana. You are a gem !

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing! If you're interested, try Anna's Daily Practice. It is a great way to process fears and resentment. You can try it free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy

[@InvisibleBorderline]

I connected with this video. Unfortunately, the person who I got honestly vulnerable with was a malignant narcissist who used my vulnerability to get me into a toxic relationship with him 😢

[@missyk1477]

Your videos have been such a blessing to me! You explain things so simply and clearly, and I no longer feel so alone.

[@erinkessler1475]

The language you use is so precise and important. Courtship: Getting to know someone with an eye towards marriage. Thank you for giving me this language to express these things.

[@annettecabezas6697]

That's right no more contact and that's it. It ends there and we keep moving forward with your life and self love all the way.❤

[@bethwithers4798]

Your teeth clenching photo is so accurate. So happy to have found you Fairy.

[@eleanor4759]

Certainly did this a ton when I was younger. Very sad 😢😢

[@w8what575]

The withholding sex thing is a tactic to get the person trained to basically be at his beckon call when he eventually does want sex…I had one pull this on me because he didn’t like how confident I am about who I am…idc what anyone says about me..,I’m ugly..ok? And why would someone stop what they’re doing to tell me that? Simply because they’re threatened by me for some reason…and they need to knock me down somehow to make me lesser then them…it used to work on me before I realized what was the point of someone doing and saying that kind of crap to someone else they don’t even know…..what the tactic did do was make me feel like I was expecting way too much from him even though he was sleeping in my bed and expecting me to ditch all my male friends and coworkers which were just friends and co workers…nothing more…I was a “wh@re” for even talking to another male…he thought putting his hand down his own pants was supposed to turn me on the 4 times we ever did get intimate…it was not worth the misery of having him around..,when there’s no benefit to me then why have them around? I’m told that’s narcissistic and selfish and that my expecting that is causing him to have anxiety cuz he was forced to by his ex girlfriend etc…whatever! Guys think about that all the time…and he was hooking up with other females online using my internet so really? Yeah…I kicked his a $$ to the curb asap…told him to kick rocks

[@daniellelazenby3397]

This is the same nightmare cycle I’ve been stuck in with my ex for years. He won’t examine his own actions or why he keeps coming back if he feels he needs to leave. I’m tired of the emotional neglect roller coaster. I messed up first so I kept allowing myself to think I deserved it. I don’t still deserve it. I did ALL I could to repair things. Including getting sober (1 year January 10th!)

[@truecrimecurator9874]

Omg the last one is SO HELPFUL thank you so much to both the letter writer and to Anna for this brilliant response. So clear, cuts right to the heart of it. 🙏❤️

[@imbolc8024]

You are so 'spot on'... loads of grattitude, from Belgum, blessings to you

[@courtneyriane3304]

You are so wise Anna! Thank you for understanding and putting into words things that people have kept in the dark. It is making a huge difference !!! We love you!!

[@Angelina-ht7fn]

I love the way you read people's letters ✉️ ❤️ 💕

[@jackiemariano]

You are not mean! You are perfect and honest and absolutely real! Thank you 🙏 you are saving many lives here! Kisses and kisses from Brazil! ❤

[@Becoming_undone]

I can’t thank you enough for starting this business and making these videos. I can relate to a lot of your experiences as they sound very similar to mine and I cannot express enough how grateful I am for you sharing this. As they used to say on the radio, I’m a long time listener first time caller/commenter but I just had to pause the video long enough to say thank you for sharing your experiences and insight in a real and helpful way. It’s been life changing for me. ❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

So glad to hear it! Thank you for being a part of our community here! Nika@TeamFairy

[@suzannemiller6905]

I have learned so much from your channel. You help me to feel not alone in being an adult trying to grow past childhood trauma. As a person with a disability and cptsd due to it, I find traumas I've accrued as an adult are only compounded by my past (growing up with an erratic mentally ill mother and negligent father) and your videos lay groundwork for measurable steps for me. Keep up your good work. So many of us out here...

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad the videos are helpful. Sounds like you had quite more than your share of difficulty. Very glad you're here!

[@coppersense999]

Great advice. "Laura" please update us, not only with the honest conversation, but when you meet the guy who goes all in 100% for you. ❤

[@World-Sojourner.22]

Beautiful Fairy, Every letter you read reflects bits of my experience on this earth. Thank you sooooo much for helping us and getting the word out. I was thinking that if the psychology wounds in my childhood showed up in blood, bruises, broken bones,etc. My sis and I would have been removed from the house. It’s all so sad.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here. Nika@TeamFairy

[@LarissaSimpson]

That guy sounds bad. It sounds like he knows he's being disrespectful and rude and is CHOOSING to keep doing that because "it works" for him. He gets the attention or whatever he was missing in childhood so he keeps actively being mean to her. Delete, block!

[@anne-marieh6128]

Such powerful content for me. No longer quick to fall into a relationship- but so hard to unravel what expectations to hold for semi failed relationship that started off so beautifully. Was surprised- once Anna started breaking it down how very much pieces of this resemble my tendencies.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@vahnni1]

This made me realize I was constantly stuck in a choose me mindset and asked myself would i actually choose the men I want to choose me? I really wouldn't tbh. I also see from the comments how much I've felt like me having needs was a burden and realizing im just as entitled to have needs as the next person. Im not asking too much and if its too much for that person its a them problem. Im not a bad person for moving on and not allowing it to bring me down or affect me. I dont have to take people's rejection personally anymore.

[@bleh3039]

I had a close friend who is a cool girl and one thing I noticed was that she was constantly bashing our other girlfriends - it was almost like a competition for her to seem like the coolest one in front of her boyfriend. He boyfriend told her who she could and couldn’t be friends with after she’d badamouth them to him. I started to stay away from her when her boyfriend called me a bit*** in front of her and she didn’t do anything- I fear that she was telling him things about me. I think the cool girl act can be detrimental to female friendships.

[@Caroline-up8nl]

This is wonderful wisdom Thankyou ❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@jumbolumps666]

"On read" like red, not read like reed ❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Yes, you'll see in the comments that an entire generation has taught me that one!

[@tmc1564]

It sucks so much when our own fellow practitioners unbeknownst to us gaslight us.. too tired right now to elaborate but wait till I get some rest... Boy narcissism runs rampage in hospitals. Among intra- and interdisciplinary members. 'Cast Systems' STILL very well and alive. And I know you get it and yeah it sucks. Hey this is super cool I like you got yourself an awesome lil nitch going on here. Narcissism os The Worst Thing Ever, but you show us the ugly reality of narcissism encroachment , and , sadly, even among those of us 10+ yrs university. Uhh! Hey thanks Doc. Rock on 💪

[@reneebarnes2632]

Oh yeah, I feel exactly like that, been there and definitely feel like that before, I can totally relate!!I didn't know that it happens to men too!! I need to learn emotional available too.❤

[@emilycarter2446]

Jesus. I could not not not do this with someone. You either want to be with me or you don’t. I did this when I was younger and it tore me up. I guess I’m getting better. Thank the lord. I hope the same for the writer.

[@schaschuschascho]

You are so beautiful. Thank you.

[@VultureFight]

Oooof you called me out. I was a total cool girl growing up 😬

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you are here now. Nika@TeamFairy

[@taechic]

Ooof if this isn't me. It's not even pretend part sometimes I don't even know I'm not ok

[@jeantuite-actress--imdb]

ive never had anyone like that

[@calmplacedontjudge]

Awesome Vid!! My Favorite Quote' Your Right One will be Single' Available' & In Love With You!' I wrote that in my Diary just so I can Keep in my Mind!! 😃😃💝💝💯🌸🌟🌈🙌🤗

[@asiancavemanr7657]

i wish all the people in this comment the best in life

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Likewise! Thank you for being a part of our community here and for sharing your kindness towards others! Nika@TeamFairy

[@asiancavemanr7657]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you for the great video, i never knew until recently watching your video that i learn the name for my condition and have a clearer understanding of it, i'm 49 now and just start to heal myself, because of my condition i get scam easily by women, your video really helps me a lot so thank you!

[@emilycarter2446]

It’s so sad that I used to make myself easier for others to be around only to completely have all of my needs neglected. I wish I never thought that was okay :/

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

But now you know and it's a great place to start your healing journey! Don't blame yourself, just move on, with compassion for yourself. Daily Practice (a free course) can be a good first step. If you want to go deeper, Anna has a whole course on Healing Childhood PTSD. Free Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Healing CPTSD course: bit.ly/CCF_HCPTSD Nika@TeamFairy

[@leonine7028]

Jim’s experience is nearly identical to mine. Please help me stop being limerent for Jim 😂

[@lilafeldman8630]

I can relate to this pattern I'm still struggling to break out of it. I can also relate to the challenges that immigrant families faced. I've been hearing more and more stories of this lately, of going back and forth between the home country, as well as the stresses of immigration, alcoholism etc.

[@MsJatek]

I wish I had had you 10 years ago💔

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here now! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@chichan6969]

Same...it would make my life so much more quality and happier, totally bc I failed everything from friends family relationships to work health...

[@chichan6969]

Same ...but 20 years ago...or 15 at least

[@corsothehealer]

“The story of my life” movie and a novel. Similar storyline but a man is the one who is after a promisquos woman madly. Pretty, but painful. I was triggered by his emoutions and I was hurting some time after watching the movie. He disrespected himself long enough by being mistreated and played around with.

[@jonathanbarone4708]

❤❤

[@ernieandrews7632]

reevaluate "always with".

[@biancarowena9040]

“Kill off that part of me…” that is not okay with being the “cool girl” This was my solution to the horrible pain I went through after my divorce; the solution I came up with that, until now, helped me move on from the divorce Let me explain 😂 If I don’t have a solution to what I did wrong in the past, and how to fix it for next time, then I can’t get over it. I need to know how to avoid it happening again and how to do it correctly the next time. I think that’s actually a real thing in psychology Listening to the last letter in this video, and you talking to the girl who wrote in, I realized I may have to reassess everything that I came to terms with After the various stages I went through with the divorce (and here I would normally say it almost killed me, but the truth is it did kill me, it killed that version of me, the extremely dependent version. That entire personality died, but I survived it) after all the stages and this identity death, my eyes were opened to how I had been a horrible wife and it wasn’t him who was “a narcissist” but me I didn’t want my husband to have any friends, I wanted him to do EVERYTHING for me, and I also was way too hard on myself as well, overworking myself all the time. I wanted him to be around all the time too He had his issues of course, going off on business trips and not being around much to help me with our daughter But the conclusion I came to, after dating a few guys after I was divorced, is that he was actually an amazing husband, he withdrew because of my nagging and insecurities, and he’s better than 99.9% of men out there at the moment SO if he was with me now I wouldn’t complain about him being away, I’d be appreciative of everything, even if I got just one hour a day with him, i would be glad for that (I would have given anything for one hour a MONTH with him, after the divorce), and I would let him have friends, hang out with girls if he wants (as friends), pursue his business ideas on top of working full time. I’d be the cool girl I messed up a 20 year marriage by NOT being the cool girl, being the opposite But you’re slowly starting to make me question this entire thing I’ve settled in my mind Do I want to be the cool girl? Or can I actually do it? This hurts my brain right now 😂 There’s some strange fight going on in my head and emotions, and I can’t grasp or understand what behaviour would be the real me, the me that has integrity. Because I’m an introvert so I don’t really want a guy around all the time. I want one that is busy with his thing because I’m busy with my writing. So in the end, it’s someone just like him that I actually want, I just didn’t see it before because of my fears and insecurities. Or is it being the cool girl and would never work? And if that won’t work, what will? (In a future relationship) Maybe if I listen to enough of your logical videos, I will understand what I want that is logical and uncluttered by my childhood trauma brain. I can’t just trust my own assessment of what I think I want, because in the past it has lead me so wrong

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for watching! If you'd like to share your story and ask Anna a question, feel free to write an "Ask the Fairy" letter. You can do it from here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters Nika@TeamFairy

[@businessgoose6057]

On red.... 😂

[@repurposedart9897]

Hearing the letter of the girl stalking a guy friend she never had sexual relationship with seems frightening as stalkers can have a delusion of a relationship that never was... I have had stalkers and this was hard to listen to a person like this...

[@eddielacrosse2]

Agreed I thought I was the only one. She was playing a lot of games and he ended up finding someone who wasn’t 😂

[@HearTruth]

side note: you are lovely and have a great mane of hair.

[@masterninja9716]

Not to be a snoot but in the “left me on read” saying, read is past tense. FYI is all 😊

[@SIRHOOVER]

So even if I'm honest here and tell her I want her back even though she has moved on...is that limerance?

[@ProfessorBorax]

I expect it's "On read" in the past tense. Like "on red"

[@Tammy-o9j]

Unread

[@nhanson5691]

Oh goodness, this is me!😟

[@susannluckmann7705]

Lucky you, I mean the first step is done- it opened your eyes. Stay tuned, Anna can help. It is good to be as clear as possible about oneself as well as of others in regards to what you want, and also what you don't want. Wishing you all the best.

[@barbaraadams2645]

Seems like she is just as avoidant as he is.

[@fleekazoidpodcast]

fairy god mother! you're supposed to say it like "on red". love you

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Yes, this is a compilation and the video where I didn't know that generated many helpful comments to explain this to me. I laugh at it now!

[@forkrunner2313]

Haha was just about to point that out but for once, looked to see whether someone else had already corrected her. Progress lol!😊

[@dannyjonze]

Definitely a good book and I had forgotten all about it. Haven't forgotten about how some of the descriptions were totally really close to home. Quite uncomfortable thinking about it now.

[@annahibbard4284]

Where is the daily practice list

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

It's not a list. It's a free course, and it's linked in the description section below each of my videos.

[@JosephVespa-ve6zi]

I don't care really 😮

[@Jennifer-gr7hn]

until....you go pendulously the other way, that you're NOT okay....in any way. Then you hopefully crash, seek and find help and rebuild yourself through God's grace and help of people like you!

[@IAMCOACHFLOYD]

Left on "red" not rEEd. Or left on "seen"

[@littlekingtrashmouth9219]

Crappy childhood fairy sounds like a toy on the island of misfit toys

[@NimeeraDance]

Just a thought. What if the guy never wanted sex because he's asexual?

[@eddielacrosse2]

I think you were giving the first letter too many excuses. She was making an attempt to make him jealous, I mean that’s toxic. He was with another woman that actually wanted him 😂

[@JohnPatrick-mylifecademy]

Plot twist: the poor guy the girl was obsessed about...he was visiting from another country and his family had set up an arranged marriage.

[@collettieholmes9312]

Is he gay?

[@angelcandelaria6728]

Commitment to her is security. Commitment to him is no decrease in sex. This is the cold hard pun intended truth. Regardless of love. No man, unless he can’t use his penis or doesn’t like it, can live successfully without physical affection regularly. Nothing makes a relationship more boring then being the do it all man and still not having frequent enough sex. It definitely makes you realize what game everyone is playing. I stand for love but also sex is a need not a reward.

[@psutton473]

Wayyy too long. I got lost a few times what the subject of this video was. It’s all great advice, but , Anna, did u need 2+ hours for this video?

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

@@stephfromearth the great thing is you can watch a bit at a time and the video will be waiting for you in your history where you can pick back up again later

[@wildhorses6817]

I found it valuable. Pause it to watch in sections. We have that Option. We are in control of our time.

[@ssjn2831]

2 to 3 hour's video is very long , nobody wants to spend this many time watching a video in one sitting .

[@kimsmith1750]

No one is saying you have to watch it in one sitting. 🙄 watch 5 minutes here and 15 min there.

[@obelisssk]

I do spend the time watching this video in one sitting, actually 🙋‍♀️

[@missyk1477]

Please don't speak for everyone out there. I don't have time to watch videos, but I do listen to them while I'm working....even the 2-3 hour ones.

[@lynnebucher6537]

I depart when I need to do other things, then when I have time, go back to my History and find her video and resume watching.

[@TLBJRA1981]

I listen to it all the way through!

[@FreelancerParvez-qe9mx]

Absolutely amazing

[@corsothehealer]

I love the cues that you give ❤ the ques is something you take in first as a painful realisation, then after accepting that as a right thing to do, repeat it to yourself as you move through pain to follow that advice. My cue a psychologist gave me is that the only good thing you can do for a person with addiction or other serious problems like that, IS TO LEAVE THEM, and codependently stating close by is harmful to their recovery, making the WAKE-UP call impossible! During that session I told me psychologyst that I am in a relationship with a man who uses alchohol a lot and smokes weed too often; and she called that it’s name - an addict. I didn’t realise I was in a relatioonship with an alchoholic before I said it out load. It was humiliating to be confessed out load but obviously better than continuing to live in such relatioship. That harsh thing she told me - it literally hit me, my heart went down, I rejected that thought for … nearly another year and was able to start moving out of that relationship within half a year. I took it slow and very gradually, first moving apart, then starting seeing new men, then moving to another city briefly but staying in touch, then leaving the country altogether, and still inviting hiw to live with me at my house back home and writing to him for a few months after leaving. It can be especcially hard for immirgants as living abroad alone is expensive and scary. I also must thank his honesty, - he not only has let me go, but he didn’t stay in touch. Well, he loved me in his own way, in moments of intimacy he would expain that he of course will miss me when we will break up; but he was aware of his avoidant attachment. If not his luck of trust and attachment disorder, we would have been another case on Fairy’s feed about Limeresence. He indeed deserved to be loved - that honesty of his which has set me free. I wouldn’t be able to leave him if didn’t push me away and if he would have held on to our connection. Wow, it still hurts, that sweet-nd-savour feeling in my heart, of how our connection was unique. Trauma bound or not, the immigration and money factor, his perfect looks… The only romantica love I ever felt. ❤😢 With my husband it is different, we are life partners, adults. But that was teenage romance. 🎉 Thank you for reading!❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Beautiful.

[@corsothehealer]

The story where a 40year old man sought a commited relationship sound like my husband’s, the difference being that he got lucky. 😅 At 27 y-o I met 42y-o divorced man with children through the crappy dating app, but we just talked and as we were ready for something which is not drama, it was clear that we are a match and we can be life partners. I didn’t feel that romantic love or physical attraction, but he is good in bed, and that’s all that matters for a married woman. 😊 Then I got used to his looks, started to like it even, though he was not my type- I like massive tall man with long hair and he is skinny and balding. 😂 As in russian language they say - It will be worn down by patience, then proceed into love. In context of arranged marriages in Tsar times. It worked for me as I wasn’t fussy by then, maybe it was out of desperation to not be single, but as my life stabilised since the marriage, I couldn’t ask for better. The cost of this union for me was covered with his great treatment, really as to like a princess. I ONLY DATED AND MARRIED to an older divorced man because after living in fantasy wourld I was ready to settle for achievable reality, I surrendered the idea of a romance, I OPENED MY MIND to different possibilities, also I have let go of prejudices of divorced men, smoking men, older man, which had to do with my religious stereotypes fed to me during my upbringing. And there he was - first in line, serious about the relationships, ready to commit, adoring me, hard-working, emoutionally intelligent, decent man; I was his numerous attempt and so he was mine. As soon as we detected the mutual INTENT, it just worked. We call it God’s miracle but maybe it was a pure calculated statistical match? The only thing is that I forget to cherish him as much as he does me as if I am situated superior for being younger. And holding on to that toxic ex deep in my dreams. So, I am working on it… It was hard to love back when you are used to being rejected with your love! Still learning. Multiple cry sessions on his shoulder will chip off those layers of chronic feelings of abandoment… and will eventually open up the heart ❤ for mutual love. It is a curve and a process though 🎉

[@corsothehealer]

Success story, mine Somehow I came to these realisations that you advice intuitively and saved me from codependent drama and abusive partners. Well, I reflect a lot, and, I can be very BLUNT and HONEST, I am used to emoutional pain and abandoment, and I didn’t settle for crap; I left first boyfriend when he figured I could be the one working in our home; and the other first threw a desk lamp at my direction and that slammed my hand, and shortly after in our stressful period of moving, at ine of the first nughts in the new flat, he grabbed me around the neck to just threaten not to speak about how his dad is an alchoholic; and that was absolutely unacceptable for me. I mean, I was neglected by parents, but not physically abused, that was below my dignity. I couldn’t sleep that night and during a break at work I contacted the same housing agent and giving a reason his abuse got him moved out that day. He then lived in the same house and we kept in touch for another year until I was ready to leave not only him, but also the country for my homecountry. If I had nowhere to go, I wouldn’t leave him so easily because he was the only close person to me in the whole country and we shares rent and food. Perhaps we were housemates with benefits- he also rejected to call it that we have a “relationship”. He liked to sound smart and said that any interactions within two people are relationship, but wouldn’t call me his girlfriend or partner. And, I loved that guy, probably it was an unhealthy love, like an addiction to a toxic substance, I still see him in my dreams 3 years later being married with another man. But I think those are just grief about the toxic past and a tendency to escape in romantisised fantasies, instead of building a healthy communication and solving any relationship conflicts here and now, in reality… at nearly 30, living finally in reality is a competely unique feeling, I never felt such way. It is kind of boring, like a regular meal compared to a dessert for sweet addicts, there are few emoutional ups; but the feeling is deeply transquil, serene, from within, it is like a meditation state; and you finally learn to enjoy simple reality versus colourful drama, and the you know that peace and happiness is in simple things- a cupp of a morning coffee, just a walk, just a conversation, just a kiss and a short hug, just grocery shopping, just cooking a meal ar eating a takeaway… and yeah having a Doggo really helped our healing in terms of attachment, discipine, joy.

[@lorraineamico42]

We are human some of us lady’s the men on the other hand animals well some limerents men lust woman love well not always leopard doesn’t change its spots lol 😮😊@lorraineamicothemakeupartist