Neuroqueer & Autigender [CC]

[@LoveCrumb]

I've never had someone so precisely describe exactly how I feel about my gender and sexuality. In the last few months, I've learned that it's very likely that I'm autistic and I'm only now diving into how this could have affected my perception of my gender and sexuality. I've never enjoyed labeling myself because I never felt enough of a connection to any label and kind of floated around in this amorphous bubble of "indescribably different." This video helps me so much, I so appreciate you talking about this and putting this information out there!

[@syndicalist702]

Thanks. At 47 and recently divorced from a toxic, hetero marriage, I'm just learning of the term neuroqueer to describe the intersectionality between my AuDHD and pansexuality. It's one more facet in which I can learn more about myself. Thanks for putting this in an easily digestible nutshell to get me started on this concept I'm inclined to embrace.

[@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS]

“Also I am, very mostly, a Lesbian?” I, too, wish genderqueer had been a word when I came out; same for auti-gender. My response to pheromones tell me I’m attracted to women and men. I can find some men aesthetically pleasing as well though I find far many more women aesthetically pleasing. However, when in bed with a man, while I can enjoy myself (have a phenomenal time), it feels like I’m in bed with a different species of animal and therefore it just feels wrong. I also don’t desire men in the same way I desire women (feels receptive whereas my desire is active with women). When I’m with a woman, I feel “normal” like all is right with the world. Because I know the wrong feeling never goes away (2 decades of being married to a man suggests that), I pretty much know I do not want to be with a man. (And I’m not a one-night stand sort of person.) Also, women, not men, occupy the white picket fence area of my imagination (the area where you dream of a life together). So I call myself a lesbian. Had an autistic lesbian INSIST I could not be a lesbian because lesbians are NOT attracted to men. Sigh. I was blown away by her insistence and complete conviction that I was an asshat for calling myself a lesbian when calling myself bi-sexual would surely be a misrepresentation. I’m fine with the label though I don’t rule out a 1% chance that I might meet a man who causes me to feel the same sort of desire I feel with women and might, maybe not make me feel wrong in bed. (However, I’m at the age where I find no men my age aesthetically attractive and so even that 1% is now highly unlikely.) GenderQueer.

[@rodrigosampaio7116]

Omg you're amazing, I love your energy

[@catie5939]

"because we... are also human!" I laughed out loud. I really appreciate this video, thank you 💜

[@GeorgiaGeorgette]

What a brilliant video! This was so helpful 💝

[@ryn2844]

Personally I don't really like the 'aut!stic people don't do social norms' explanation of why we're more likely to be trans. That explanation definitely works for some aut!stic trans people, and more power to them, diversity is great, but it doesn't work for me. My physical dysphoria isn't caused by social norms. It's like my internal map of my body doesn't line up with what my body is actually like, like phantom limbs or something. I'm instinctively surprised when I look in the mirror and see something that shouldn't be there. It's inherent, not cultural. My trans-ness didn't come about because I chose to reject gender norms. It's not even about gender norms. It's much more fundamental than that. (and no I'm not part of the 'you need dysphoria to be trans' crowd. Again, diversity is great.)

[@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS]

I appreciate this as someone who has no sense of gender. I like “autistic people don’t do social norms” for those of us who don’t have any clear sense of gender with or without dysphoria. I don’t know if that’s specifically related to social norms or not or some sort of brain wiring (and I know there are plenty of autistic people who have a sense of gender-cis and trans-and some are really attached to the related social norms or aspects of it). My earliest conscious recollection was about being fully confused about gender: I thought I was being called a girl and had to be a girl because I’d been assigned girl clothes at birth… like it was a random distribution. Then, when I was three I finally understood there was a physical difference between the genders, which seemed rather arbitrary as well… as in, why should that physicality make a difference given the expectations re social norms I saw around me? Pissed me off in a way and I got even more pissed off about it as I got older and people continued to try to foist gender norms on me. That said, I also don’t do social norms related to gender; doing so makes me feel very queer (in the traditional sense) indeed. The closest way of my understanding my own sense of gender is that it feels gay just like my sexuality, as if my brain is just wired that way. If I watch a movie with gay men making love, I’m a gay man in my head. And where two women are making love, a woman. And where a heterosexual couple is making love, I’m in the man’s place in my head, but I’m a woman. If I’m with a man in real life, it feels weird, wrong even though I’m also attracted to men… like it would be better, not wrong, if I was a man. (It feels wrong enough that I don’t want to be with men ever again-the wrong feeling never goes away.) I can’t imagine being a man and being with a woman, as that feels wrong too. Being with a woman feels right even though both of my lesbian lovers have told me I’m more like a man (despite being femme and my never relaying these feelings about gender). I think we hold multitudes; who we are is multi-layered.

[@TheAgamemnon911]

Hot take, I know: The term Autigender is imho not helpful for communicating identity and I hope it doesn't catch on. No, this is not an attack on those that already took it as a label - anyone can label themselves whatever they want. The point I am making is: The purpose of a label gets defeated when it complicates communication instead of simplifying it. Adding more chaos to an already entrenched conflict over norms and definitions is at least unhelpful, possibly(!) even harmful by indirectly invalidating other identities. We all crave validation and tend to get carried away by emotion when we are denied - still we must keep trying to increase the total amount of understanding between groups, not just within groups, if we want to have any hope of sorting through the hot mess that is humanity.

[@autisticalex5987]

Great PSA! Thank you.

[@heatherhartman6474]

Thank you!! And I love your shirt❤

[@59594real]

super interesting!! i’m audhd and trans and the #1 reason i got top surgery was sensory issues! i did have dysphoria too but mostly i could not stand the sensory issues that come with having boobs lol

[@voltijuice8576]

Weird take, perhaps - but I think that we are better at norms and roles than neurotypical people. But the difference is that we actively create and negotiate these instead of inheriting readymade one-size-fits-all versions.

[@zaraimpala3962]

One of my lesbian ex-friends got really upset with me because I used gay in a really inclusive way I said something like I feel universally gay towards all my romantic partners, even if I'm in a heterosexual? relationship with a gender non conforming gay man as a trans woman

[@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS]

As a woman, I can definitely state that while attracted to men being with a man makes me feel queer in the old fashioned sense. I definitely brought the gay to the heterosexual relationship and much prefer feeling at home, like myself with women in a gay relationship. I think I sort of get where you’re coming from. I think being auti-gender contributes to this.

[@myself9084]

As long as they don’t fetishize us!

[@MarPan]

What was wrong with the way you used to look? I didn't get that part.

[@carlinkag2525]

If they didn't want to look like that then that is what was wrong. Sometimes not knowing how to look is a problem in and of itself.

[@allessandrapeirce9510]

hello god

[@supercool1312]

autigender isnt a real thing

[@tracik1277]

You are not a real thing.

[@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS]

What a ridiculous comment. Language and culture evolves… but thanks for pronouncing from up on high.

[@supercool1312]

@@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS true i am a changed woman now idc what people identify as gender is cringe get rid of it and identify how you want

[@aug-pahunters51]

I respectfully disagree.

[@the_aberration7398]

Please elaborate upon that statement.

[@aug-pahunters51]

@@the_aberration7398 the labeling of subdivisions of LGBT people to this extent is just narcissisism. No one cares and these are made up words. It's not helpful.

[@disabled.autistic.lesbian]

Hey friend! First of all, all words are completely made up and one wouldn't say a child is narcissistic for calling themselves a child or a blonde person for calling themselves blonde Second of all, "narcissistic" is a bit of an ableist descriptor so if you could find another adjective to use that doesn't hurt people with or affected by various mental illnesses that would be grand! Third of all, labels are important because they help people feel less alone and understand themselves better. Yes, they can be stigmatizing, and yes they are all technically social constructs, but someone choosing to label themselves so they no longer feel alone does not cause any harm to you. If you would like to learn more about labels, I have a video called "Why Do We Label". If you don't, that's cool too! But if you're feeling harmed or offended by other people finding a community that they finally feel safe in, you may want to look more into that. You deserve to feel safe, happy, and included in communities too, and I would assume that, based on your reaction to other people feeling that way, that you don't have a space or a community like that. I hope someday you're able to find it and wish you a lovely rest of your day :)

[@leeski152]

@@disabled.autistic.lesbian the label cis gender given to me by labelists makes me feel harmed and offended

[@the_aberration7398]

@@leeski152 Why does the label Cisgender make you feel harmed and offended?