NEVER SAY THIS to Depressed, Anxious (Pollyannaish Invalidation)

Well-meaning empathic people often make things worse.
“Get a grip, move on, snap out of it, get over it”
“I and others have had the same experience”
“You have your whole life ahead of you, it is never too late, time heals all wounds”
“No need to be anxious or depressed”
“You have such a good life, others have it much worse”
Anxiety, depression, and trauma are subjective experiences, not objective facts. People react differently to the very same circumstances. Reasons: genes, temperament, upbringing, childhood and life experiences.
When someone is going through a difficult period, you need to validate their emotions and reactions:
“I understand what you are going through. You are right: it is really bad and your reaction is justified. I hope things get better somehow”
All other types of responses are wrong.
Invalidating one’s thinking implies: “something is wrong with you for thinking or acting this way”.
Always-on, Pollyannaish optimism is invalidating.
Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Store: www.amazon.com...

[@Teja-yz5fs]

Unfortunately, part of the healing process seems to be realizing how broken many people in your life are and how they view you mainly as a tool that works as a convenient function within their life. Your problem in their eyes only functions as an inconvenience. I found it best to tell these people as little as possible & keep it as objective as possible. Wishing the best to all of you out there on your personal journey of healing and growth.

[@patricia9879]

This is what people are doing to me after I've been traumatized after narcissistic discard...no one understands and just tell me forget our relationship ever happened...5 1/2 years together...

[@monyrachan8568]

More than 12 years ago i was tol by my therapist : your are specialist disaster thinker. She even told i am not depressed. I made request to meet psychiatrist. The request was denied. So i stop the therapy talk. Now after all crying for help from everyone, failed. I am not cfs patient, still not get help. I need to survive but i can no more function every days life of myself. I just wonder how can i help myself. Thanks Sam ! You proved to my that therapist was crazy. I felt i was insult by therapist ( she told me , she is assistant of psychiatris) . I came from Cambodia and living in the Netherlands. I was grown up with a dark traid mother. She was very evil. 3 years ago i did press on exit button of her game and hide my self from everybody know me whom also known my mother. My English is quiet bad. Hope readers could understand. I just want to express feeling relieve what i found was truth. Thanks for your time readers !

[@PottedJam]

You did a great job with your english

[@EnoughSaid564]

Proud of you 👏 and you therapist was so unprofessional and demeaning to you. Keep looking for a psychiatrist and a separate trauma therapist who don’t work together. Good luck and keep believing in yourself 💜

[@tonyc7689]

I understood your english easily, please don't ever belittle yourself in anything ...when people say they are seeing a therapist or psychiatrist I always ask how old are they and how much life experience do they have. No one can get help from a " fellow just " graduating school. Not having life experiences and.just.book smart really can't help anyone

[@Catmansdaughter]

I wish I could give you a hug. And you are doing wonderful with your English. I understood you perfectly. 😊

[@wendymerrillperry9699]

This is wonderful. As a therapist I am going to spread the word. As a mother of adult son who suffered for years I hope I did say the right things. He survived untractable depression and suicidal actions. He is now happy and recently had his first child with wonderful wife. He’s 39. He is able to work as a computer scientist. You must hang in there with people. Practice self-care. Accept Accept Accept the person and their feelings. Malignant optimism! Wow. So true

[@karins2200]

I have never in my entire life come across a boring video uploaded by Sam Vaknin !

[@traviscorder9100]

This is probably the best lecture, on any topic, I ever heard. And I've heard many lectures. Thank you, Dr. Vaknin.

[@myinquisitiveself]

'You're in the driver's seat tell me what I can do' - this is literally profound and has stuck with me on so many levels.

[@lmoned]

Thankyou Sam, I and three kids are two months in being left by a dificult but loved partner of 26 years. The indescrible emotions.. I hear these words used so much I even use them. My social worker mother told me on my birthday 8 days after she left 'its just your ego' refering to my grief. wow reality.

[@louise7347]

Brilliant lecture, Sam. If only more people knew these things.

[@ASMRAlternative]

Thanks for another great video, Sam. Yep, people can take their platitudes and shove them where the sun doesn't shine.

[@adrabrown3895]

Your perspective is extremely helpful to me trying to support a family member who is suicidal so thank you

[@Snorli77]

i have had people tell me "stop washing your hands! there is no danger" even though my OCD isn't all about germs, just doesn't make sense. Great video Sam!!

[@CarinaAbramovic-sh8ej]

Thank you for saying this so loud and clear! I done all the mistakes. 😔

[@Catmansdaughter]

Thank you, Professor!!! I've reached out to my sister and my daughter yesterday because I needed someone, just one person to hear me out due to being in a bad place, and my husband is so toxic and lots of fighting and yesterday, I told him I want a divorce. I always get the silent treatment from my sister and daughter when things aren't good for me, and I think maybe it's because they just dont know what to say, so I shared this with them. I came across your channel last week and am ever so thankful!

[@zenmaiden1]

Leaning in and silence .. hearing what they want to express the best medicine . Great video Sam. I watch them all and some multiple times .

[@taniasmile8231]

A lot of empathetic people are not empathetic at all.

[@Only_The_Best_Bits-f5y]

This is the best advice and information ever received. Thank you Prof Vaknin!

[@phinton314]

In the depth of my despair, someone said to me, "Well, it is what it is." Aggggh!

[@claudiapjimz6305]

Dear Prof. Sam Vaknin: Congratulations!!!...It takes mastery and control to deliver the truth about today's presentation in a wise, objective and calm manner. You were truly kind with your listeners, specially with the ones at fault of perpetuating those violations. Keep the wisdom coming this way Prof.Vaknin. Great contribution!!.🎀CJimz

[@VivianAustin-hl9xx]

I am happy to hear this insightful vlog. So succinct the way you discuss the many pitfalls people fall into when attempting to support others (or as is often the case they don’t). I do wish these insights could be universally shared.

[@candicewallace3553]

Great video Sam. Sadly clumsy human beings are not hard to find, despite their best intentions On my 18th birthday my sister gave me a book with the title "when am I going to be happy" Needless to say it had only the effect of making me more self conscious , nothing changes early developmental delay and neglect a lot... In the last 45 years i've been given two more similarly titled book's by well intentioned souls...

[@TheSparkle45]

Wise words and thank you

[@tom0ocadoo]

Well said thank you Sam

[@brigitte2217]

Thank you from the deepest of my heart Prof. Vaknin from Germany 👏❤

[@hope20601]

Thank you for this.

[@LuminousDualities.]

Thank you for this message

[@lindarose8299]

Bravo and thank you for this timely insight 🙌👏

[@dextermorganbloodspattersp6382]

Words can kill these people.. I'm very guarded in keeping the truth from them .. Truth about their actions and the repercussions of their exposure to the Truth... Keep them in their fantasy... They'll continue to live at least... 🦅🏆😎

[@dextermorganbloodspattersp6382]

@Silence_between_waves if Not for their Selective Amnisha they'd be Dead Already from sum of the stuff I have witnessed during their Rage Episodes.. ignorance is bliss for DEM.. CarryON n Move on... Staying silent is Best 🏆

[@kevinjacobson874]

I’m very confused on what you mean by “truth” in this sentence. Sounds very convoluted and subjective. Actually curious about an answer

[@dextermorganbloodspattersp6382]

@@kevinjacobson874 sum if not a lot have amnisia and or misperceptions of Reality and consequences that their actions cause and or caused .. reality could trigger if confronted with reality.. confused ? as I am, lol . Very unaccountable they are under the guise of Mental illness.. to expose their false self is dangerous basically

[@brettweary8491]

Absolutely Sam

[@tanzinafarha5681]

Thank you doc❤❤❤

[@chiliart8056]

Mine told "you are not doing the work"I had no idea what work should I do I was so disregulated at that time after carc relationship.Other told I never had that expirience ..I was omg is there anyone who can help I was desperate and without family suporte.Somehow I conected the dots on my own with videos on yt.

[@amberfuchs398]

Go off, Professor.🎉

[@torrellmorton]

How long can a borderline stay in secondary psychopath state? My child's mother has been splitting me for 8 months.

[@samvaknin]

Typically between a few hours and 4 days.

[@randomactsofhugs]

My 25 year old son lived with his dad his whole life didnt learn to drive. ,make freinds after graduation. Get a job just stayed home doing video games . We were divorced when he was 12 i quit drinking x didnt. I thought i was doing the right thing by leaving " he kicked me out" but 😢 i chose to not go back. Anyway son is in civil commitment with restraining order so now hes going to be homeless after release . He wants me to help him we would hurt each other to bad. To be honest he makes me exstremly uncomfortable. He cant admit hes got a problem at all. They are saying he could be schizophrenia . One dr told him his time did not matter to him???? Im going to talk to someone monday but i cant take him into my home . The guilt is so painful but i just cant . I am a year free of a ten year narcissist relationship. It would put me back into very bad place. I told him to take the help from the people holding him. He says they offer no help and besides theres nothing wrong with him. Hes had mental problem most of his life pray for him send hope and healing.

[@ras-nts]

Seems to me, having frequent contact with a therapist ought to be part of everyone’s healthcare.

[@Oh.deer0]

Professor sam what do you think about mbti personality type? Can you make a video on this topic?

[@samvaknin]

I did.

[@pinky92]

Maybe he should stop stalking me

[@terencewhitfield9042]

Sentces that people say. If u let them. U already know that. U should have knew that u see i didn't go for it. Well I see others go through stuff the same. Same way as user and beaters. They always have other people that do them the same. Looks like they beat and use for they on purpose to help others

[@kalina4545]

I've read about depression and bacteria in the gut. Also depression and vitamin D. What say you?

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel for “gut”.

[@OharaChan-qk7uy]

It's too late

[@vailhalla6572]

How do you tell the difference between someone truly in crisis with depression and anxiety and an attention seeking covert narcissist who is just using feigned depression and anxiety for attention and control?

[@samvaknin]

Serach the channel.

[@OharaChan-qk7uy]

Actually nowbdy is overreacting

[@AstarteRap]

This is autotherapy, thanks 🙏🏻🫀