NO WIN: Narcissist Sees Himself in You (Projective Resonance)

Projective Resonance (not the same as empathy or social cognition):
As an external object, if you are weak, vulnerable, dependent, and submissive, you remind the narcissist of his/her moribund True (unconstellated, unintegrated) Self (and, thereby, undermine his/her grandiose, fantastic False Self).
As an external object, if you are strong, resilient, agentic, independent, and self-efficacious you remind him/her of his False Self (and, thereby, challenge his uniqueness).
This is another reason for snapshotting (introjecting) you. While you are a threat to the narcissist’s precarious balance, as an internal object you make him/her feels whole, elated, oceanic when reminded of his True Self - or idealized (co-idealization) when you remind him/her of his False Self.
Why the powerful bond with the narcissist? Why does s/he invariably devalue and discard you?
Common background of ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences)
Hall of Mirrors Effect
Trauma Bonding
Shared Fantasy
Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Store: www.amazon.com/stores/page/60...

[@jonvia]

Nothing is scarier than thinking the narcissist has changed because they're in charming mode, then the next second, they're back to their narcissistic ways. Its why the only thing you can do to save yourself is to fully cut contact.

[@racheldahliamusic]

Wow. As a psych student I'd thought I'd never fall for a narcissist...yet here we bloody are?

[@michelerooney5907]

Same. Completely blindsided by it.

[@martinnerichards3728]

The guy I started dating helped me heal from a narcissist and listened to all the traumatic stories and my panic attacks subsided. I then started seeing red flags with the new partner and realised he was indeed a narcissist and a bad one.

[@Luciano4ever]

That means you're a narcissist magnet

[@andiwithani1215]

So the only answer is not to deal with them whatsoever.

[@Morigan20003]

Yes

[@TheCm1546]

Absolutely. Damned if you do damned if you don’t

[@jeannem3874]

Seeing this video and comments like this makes me feel both sick and relieved. To know that this disorder is real and affects many people on the planet is one of the only thoughts that helped propel me out of the constant shame, guilt, and confusion. The constant circles of obsessive thoughts that tell you “Nope, you’re actually just a deeply hateable and wrong, ugly, bad person.” Knowing that it is not just my brain, that what they have done is real and based in evidence and years of research, is a godsend in its own way. It’s just like being turned upside down, and you can’t make heads or tails of whether you’re to blame for everything until you’re completely removed from the situation.

[@michelerooney5907]

@@jeannem3874I can relate. That confusion and obsession is real.

[@mireya_libre]

There is no point in clinging at a solution, mediation or diplomacy- any exchange whatsoever with these people will be utterly parasitic, because someone so much as paying attention to them, whether positive or negative will always fuel their hunger

[@lisafoster9190]

I used to have to write down the behaviours and feelings and things said to try to make sense of them and to see where I had gone off track. Wow, the time I have wasted in trying to understand him, be patient with him all the while being sucked into a fantasy that there was a good true self with real feelings in there..

[@maryvera123]

So true. I got out from under that narcissistic industrial press in the nick of time. He hates me because he wasn't able to demolish me.

[@J.W.Little]

Same.

[@jeannem3874]

Im so sorry for what you’ve been through and I hope you’re doing better and doing all that you need to to heal.

[@tanyadepoalo4312]

I experienced the same thing.

[@homeitsupport5795]

😊😊😊😊

[@doinitdolphinstyle]

Same story, I've used different words trying to explain it. My father is still actively destroying everything good on my life... I'm on the run... Nobody understands or believes... Therefore no help, no support... I keep trying to explain I won't make it... I won't last this way... Health deteriorating & scheduled to get an MRI... FUKIN KILLING ME AND GETTING AWAY WITH IT 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

[@mh0mz]

Yes, my narcissist called me his soulmate, said he loved me the first day, and got me pregnant within a month. Terrible terrible decisions and I fell for it.

[@slofty]

Getting pregnant had nothing to do with your decisions as well? I can never imagine describing getting pregnant as something that was done to me unless it is describing a criminal act.

[@MrHDProd]

@@sloftyremember woman love to call everyone else a narcissist while deep down they are the true narcissist

[@NuMindframe]

@@MrHDProd why are you even on this channel? A channel made to educate victims so they can heal and overcome this specific type of abuse. Your comment screams poor social skills and low emotional intelligence.

[@NuMindframe]

@@sloftydid you not read where she said “terrible decisions” meaning she’s aware she played a role in the decision? Although being manipulated by definition tampers with your freewill so you’re not making an informed decision. Read to comprehend instead of just respond

[@NuMindframe]

I’m so sorry you experienced this😢 It’s devastating how evil and manipulative these people can actually be. I hope you’re able to fully recover and find peace from here forward

[@donnawoodford8145]

Sounds like a game of Catch 22 whereby no one wins: Damn if you do, damn if you don't. So, imo it's best to steer clear, stay away, avoid, and not communicate with a Narc or any of his support team, aka "flying monkeys". I hope I got that right!?

[@Serif77-uf5pr]

You’re Right. Narcissist and people who gravitate towards them want a ‘symbiotic’ relationship. Both want to be heard, seen, needed and accepted. But the narcissist fear of being cast aside and abandoned overwhelms them. Until the symbiotic relationship becomes parasitic.

[@YTistooannoying]

My narcissist husband's house of cards built on my values has fallen. He pretends to be like me but you all know who he really is. I am at a moment of panic. I am disabled and he uses the financial aspect against me. But, I cannot do this anymore. I am so scared. I am so lost. I have been working hard to stop being Echo to his Narcissist over the last four years in therapy. The more stable I am the less things work. The less I can take. The more HE acts out. I just want to thank you for calming me down with your videos. I am pretty isolated without a lot of immediate support... so. Thanks

[@TrinitySmith-cr3zk]

It's a calculating energy transfer /Game

[@TrinitySmith-cr3zk]

Different levels/different devils and a lesson from the blessings

[@greywolf611]

Stay strong.It,s better for you to be alone,cleaning other people,s houses if necessary,but regain yourself again,than be diying silently inside .Trust me, the feeling of relief and liberation is beyond words.Sending you my strength and support.Cut him off.Hope is our worst enemy.They are beyond help or hope.

[@gorunsko31]

I am in the same situation. Sending you hug 🤗🌷

[@LaurieB43]

I don't like that you're scared....(been there).Are you able to live alone? You may not be an elder yet...you don't need to be. but there is elder financial/physical /etc. abuse help, that is a resource to get away from him legally. They work with people in bad situations caused by abusive relatives and family. They may have resources that can help you get out and find funding similar to section 8 that pays cost of living. Find you a mobile home rental ,find help with utilities groceries. So your money is yours. My friend is obese with lupis . She lives alone basically on a couch. She has her own money from a disability check and lives in a trailer court.

[@mbradley5683]

A true narcissist will always prefer to project the false self in the shared fantasy because when one knows no limit to one’s grandiosity, they’ll always fall in love with the reflection of their grandeur in that projection

[@InfiniteGoddess971]

This goes both ways. A mirror of both selves until the cracks appear n u see the reality, the truth of what is projected back at you 🎉

[@AnhNguyen-hn9vj]

scary how mental illness people mind control other people with lies.

[@a.b.2850]

I disagree. If that so, then there’s narcissism on both sides. Non narcissistic and non-codependent people see people for who they are, for what they’ve been shown from them, while the narcissist is making a lot of efforts during that same time to hide themselves, to manipulate their image the way they want it to be, to be perceived much positively, agreeable and trustworthy than they actually are. Once you’re married, aka ‘you’re done, you’re going nowhere, you’re his for 125y’. Gets only worst at each kid. After the 2nd or 3rd, he becomes his full self, but for everyone around “oh.. it’s just a phase”, “he’s stressed, since the last baby”, and “Calm down! Nobody gets divorced over a phase”, so you’d be an incredible AH to leave him like this, and painted as the monster to your kids. Being fragilized, it only gets easier and easier for the manipulator to control you, and destroy you if need be. All this time he’s been playing a game, he’s planted seeds all those years, and it’s harvesting time the second he needs it to get what he wants. Having your sense of reality completely shattered like this for someone who’s well connected to reality is forcing them into insanity. It should be illegal. You wake up one morning not knowing who you even are, not knowing where has gone the person you know you once were. If it “goes both ways”, then there’s same toxicity on both sides.

[@TheLove1Makes]

Thanks for your hard work at this topic.

[@uk7769]

Going no contact didn't work for my narc siblings. ... they pulled me back in due to family sysyem events. So i moved my original self to another dimension, and left a clone of me in my original dimension. My brother and sister didn't even notice. Yep, I'm a middle child. Ignored. Works for me.

[@a.acquah4187]

This is truly a DIS-order! 🤯

[@debbie4062]

He had me in golden handcuffs.

[@debbie4062]

This is the best video I have ever watched on this subject, you explained it in a way that I now understand how it happened and why it happened. Great job, thank you so much for being so honest with us.

[@jackoneil3933]

Thank you Professor Vaknin. At about 8:15, what you relate about how narcissists injecting shared narratives, and mantras as 'entertainment' to synchronize others thoughts describes with perfectly narcissist and sociopathic individuals I've been entangled with, and yes about half of them women. I worked many years for a criminally narcissistic (psychopathic) billionaire who used to great result weaponized forms of 'Projective Resonance' Mantras combined with praise, money, gifts and the illusion of friendship to intrain hundreds and elevate himself as cult leader of a company and political corruption ring he called the 'CBC' or "Corrupt Bastards Club" extended to the highest levels of political, corporate and criminal power. And in addition to Projective Resonance, he also employed abusive mantras, degradation. When his abused wised-up to his game, stopped playing and rejected him, he destroyed professionally, psychologically, physically sometimes fatally much like a Hitler or Sadam, and it seems that what you describe here works on a grand scale with narcisistic and psychopathic cult leaders and dictators does it not?

[@mimibianchi1069]

Se você é bom está ruim. Se você é ruim está ruim. São eternos insatisfeitos.

[@caiosant86]

Verdade

[@AllergictoIdiots-gd9ev]

😂😂😂😂 I can’t with them! Whatever you do is wrong

[@mimibianchi1069]

@@AllergictoIdiots-gd9ev Não tem jeito! Corram para as montanhas!

[@LaurieB43]

Always be nice to a narcissist you love, but never let him catch you. He'll chase you to the ends of the earth. My ex is still chasing a girl half his age. Has been since she was 16 yrs old. She ruined his marriage. Racked up 100k on his credit card he gave her. She left him. She's got a man her own age now, and a child, and he still chases her with love bombing on social media using a fictional name, posing as a female friend so her boyfriend, (the babys father) doesn't know she still sees him. EDIT: He cried like a child in front of me saying I love her...im still in love with her. ...sad to see a grown man cry that hard.

[@surfertbone4333]

Fragile white flowers that grow out of the bark of a dead tree.

[@Ranechannel77]

Yeah, and they are very ungodlike denying reality, and facts, depending on the severity of narcasism, just living in a false reality, with a false self, only things that agrees with their false self matters to them.

[@susantalebzadeh9741]

This was a brilliant explanation of a complicated defence mechanism

[@debraparker6404]

So when some people are initially repulsed when they first meet the narcissist. Is this the fact that especially in a vulnerable narcissist that they first see a child? And they feel repulsed at the idea of an intimate relationship with a child. Perhaps? Even though they,re physically adults?

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel for "uncanny".

[@debraparker6404]

Thank you Sam.

[@electricanomaly]

great discussion, hard to follow unless I understand the deeper scenarios behind the theory. They win when you cease to exist for yourself independently. They will do everything necessary to get this outcome.

[@true4who]

Thank you SO MUCH for explaining this to me...and for ALL you are teaching me, I'm a few mos. into my "hiding" from my last (and 3rd, that I KNOW of) and if it were not for finding your videos I would have gone nutts. So, thank you for sharing just what I need right now, I appreciate every second of your completeness in explaining every situation and feeling. Thank you!

[@mariavaltsidou]

They also do breadcrambing at messages .they send messages full of love,you are his queen b u t he has never time for you.

[@lisafoster9190]

Time after time, you are spot on. I could hear his voice in my head shortly after meeting him

[@RedRubyStones]

Funny memory. I once said to a narcissistic brother in law that only a mother could love a guy like him. Woah, he did not take kindly to that! I didn't even know what narcissism was at the time. He always gave me an ICK feeling and the more I research this, the more I know why I feel the ICK!

[@charlismichael]

Happened just like that. Unbelievable .

[@tanyadepoalo4312]

Yup! Exactly like this!

[@a.alliswell4987]

LIKE AN INDUSTRIAL PRESS... THANK YOU SO MUCH, PROFESSOR VAKNIN ‘ ... LIKE AN INDUSTRIAL PRESS ...’- this describes it - completely .

[@toni-kristianpuska9100]

This explained completely my ex partners behavior dynamics. Now I understand why I fell in love with her. It felt like something put of this world. I even felt the uncanny valley feeling on my stomach: "I dont belong here." But I didnt listen to it. For some reason her behavior on the beginning of relationship was so different compared to other young women, that I was hooked immidiately.

[@kimgordon3695]

Brilliant assessment Dr. Sam

[@MPR2007]

Thank you Professor👺`. You helped me alot as Narc abuse Survivor. I believe the rest of the world will thank you for this.

[@pamelahowell6064]

Thank you this is very helpful in my time of need i am in the thick of what you describe here i am working hard to get my resources in place to escape.

[@heleneliciouse]

What if l knew he was what he was from the first day except l played with fire and got burnt.. I was cheeky and knew he was a monster and tried to run for at least a yr but his consent calls nd chasing me broke my defence and it was down hill from then- for 5 yrs on and off it was sickening and what l kno now trauma bonding. We did come from the same planet except he was from the planet of hell and l the planet of delusional Martyrdom - etc etc

[@a.d6435]

Absolutely true so true

[@xochitl7489]

This information made me understand narcissists. Thanks

[@mirellam2431]

So pretty much it's like damn if you do and damn if you don't .

[@jimmyjanbendtsen3762]

Thank you Sam This was the missing part of my understanding of the dynamic that caused the narcissistic abuse in the first place and my own role in it.

[@Rekleska]

I think this is the best video in your career, Mr Vaknin, and I actually feel guilty for listening to it for free 😂, thank you!

[@CPE1704TK5]

Thank you 💜

[@izabelacyrwus7534]

That's all true, thank you, I love your videos ❤

[@verotoday3033]

One of the best video, thank you Sam!

[@edijedi45]

This is it..very precious information👏

[@fattounaish]

V.interesting analysis sir ...thank u for enlighting us ✨

[@onaja5791]

Thanks prof. Vaknin👍Thank you for your accurate explanation of this issue.

[@jasonuren3479]

Thank you for directing us to the Azam Ali interview. Your explanation was very enlightening.

[@Naturehealing33]

This explains so much! There truly is no win!

[@user-ju8fn8fu9s]

Thank you Dear Sam Vaknin for interesting knowledge

[@hittingthewall1452]

Sounds perfect.

[@divamariaribeiroguimaraes4486]

Here in Brasil are the same situation! smalls and large societies! Universities are the worst case!!

[@shelleybain705]

Very good

[@Theysee1111]

I purposely volunteered after awhile stayed through the training in the end all I achieved was actually hating him ...once the mind games and the tactics no longer worked he was left looking on the mirror he could no longer run nothing he did or said to me would trigger the reaction he was expecting...he ran to Texas with new supply 😂 he couldn't break me

[@Sunsun281]

I’m glad I found Sam Vaknins version of narcissism.. I’ve been reading up and watching videos of it 16 years now.. so I’m not as mystified or mind boggled by it anymore.. I’ve dealt with a handful of narcissists in my life so it’s less traumatizing or shocking when I spot it, yet again in a person.. my latest thought while driving in the car yesterday was if the narcissist is afraid of abandonment and doesn’t possess his/her own inner joy/inner stability (since they cyphen happiness and supply from outside of themselves) why do sabotage the source of their supply. The GF is his supply but he stifles her? Does it not occur to them to nurture their supply so that they have a steady stream of it?? The hurt they cause to their partner is hurt that they’re causing on themselves too no?

[@Abhisheksengupta923]

"what happens to the malignant narcissist in the end when everybody is gone from his/her life and they are all alone?"---one video on this topic please

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel.

[@PicaPauDiablo1]

​@@samvakninThis is answer to every question. There's literally no topic or angle you haven't covered , no stone unturned. At this point when I read questions I already immediately remember multiple vids on subject.

[@maymorton7390]

they are fake , the jealous , envious not an ounce of moral ethical behaviour 8n the8r D N A . if its a man find out if he loves his mother , if not run for your life , because he is a qualified 1st rate misogynist. , & u cannot change them & anyway why d8 u want to take on such a futile project , people don't change , people reveal themselves , either they learn through philosophy how to be better people , or they never look further than what they can grab 100% of the time for their greedy inflated self.

[@debraparker6404]

I see now.

[@debraparker6404]

So why are they so counter productive in this way? And why do they keep repeating this pattern? At some point can they see what is happening?

[@samvaknin]

Watch the shared fantasy playlist.

[@Rohme.33]

Narc, narc. 🚪 Who’s there? Nobody.

[@erirosesan]

😂 this is the best knock knock joke ever

[@SuzieQH4812]

Two things: 1) I think the intimate partner can and does fluctuate between being strong, independent, etc. AND needy and reliant (probably due to the training process). Reflecting on my 30 years of marriage to my narcissist, I was both of these things; this must have really confounded him. 2) I understand that we are initially "all good" and then converted to "all bad" after the discard. My question is, if we are to attempt to fully heal from this (not sure if that is possible, by the way), where we once saw our abuser as "all good" and are now to see them for what they truly are "all bad" (evil in fact); does that make us SIMILAR to them (narcissistic)? I don't want to be that. Is there another way out?? Just radical acceptance? (Thank you, Prof. Vaknin, for this and all your other videos - especially the healing playlist. This has been quite an eye-opening education).

[@samvaknin]

Watch the NA Healing playlist.

[@SuzieQH4812]

@@samvaknin P.S. I love how you tell us to "get a grip." Self agency/efficacy has been the most healing method for me.

[@richardanderson-ze3sk]

the first time he erupted into extreme word salad. went downhill from there

[@glenyshill72]

@richardander..... In the interests of absolute clarity - Are you referring to a current or former significant other of yours or Dr Sam ?

[@outdoorflowsports]

Hey Sam. How to best deal with a narcissistic neighbor in order to have a superficial relationship that does not provoke him to be motivated to do malicious acts? I guess giving him a feel of superiority, also making compliments etc, keeping interactions as short as possible, not sharing private things, but not too short interactions in order to not raise suspicion that I actually have deep aversion for him. I just want to keep the peace and not “provoke” him and his psychological tendencies.

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel.

[@debraparker6404]

The human mind is so interesting.

[@randideelancaster9904]

If they get down to the childhood wound, except the trama and that it was not their fault, can they heal? Can they except the different parts of them selfs, and put them selfs back together?

[@samvaknin]

No.

[@TinkBella-ir7df]

Why not pls?. Much too far deep rooted?

[@strubbelfee]

Dear Professor, i am confused. There is something i don t understand. It is this internalizing/externalizing. It sounds as everything would be o. k., as long as the N is internalizing? I need to know more about the meaning of this internalizing ..... Do you have another video or a study recommendation?

[@RSCa3218]

Am I hearing correctly around 32:30 that a NPD can be turned into BPD?

[@earthwindfireable]

Yes, the Narcissist acts Borderline. It's obvious but society has brainwashed us to only think the borderline as being female and histrionic. Not true. I've run into way more borderline acting narcissistic males than females. We live in a clown world ... everything we've learned is wrong.

[@samvaknin]

Can develop emotional dysregulation, like BPD.

[@CiociaFrania-oo1nu]

Not any more😅

[@hlengiwemathe7376]

Mine used to call me an angel from heaven... he referred to me as a perfect girl!.... the rest is horrible history..

[@piotrk29]

Is effective therapy enough to "hide" from a narcissist?

[@samvaknin]

Hide?

[@piotrk29]

​@@samvaknin 4:35 you said the victim and narcissist have experienced similar traumas and can recognize each other in seconds so the question is how to avoid this recognition

[@Stephanie-dp3us]

I have heard many different academic opinions of the origin narcissist personality disorder (nurture v nature). My ex was a twin and I actually had a date with his twin before my ex and I met. My ex was a covert narcissist does that mean his twin is too? I'm confused if it's biological or just social/relational because I only had 1 date with the twin brother. (Not identical)

[@samvaknin]

Search the From Child to Narcissist playlist and search the channel for "gene".

[@pabloes.4945]

Can someone have narcisistic traits without have the complete disorder?

[@z32luvr]

Yes it’s a spectrum. Everyone has some level of narcissism.

[@samvaknin]

Yes. Narcissistic style. Search the Mind playlist.

[@fjmfjm]

1=1

[@carstenweiland7896]

Is it possible that the narcissist childhood self can appear in a severe crisis, when other forces dominate the narcissists ability to act? I seem to have witnessed something like that....

[@samvaknin]

The True Self is dead. But people delude themselves into believing that they are interacting with the narcissist's "inner child". It is a dangerous delusion.

[@carstenweiland7896]

@@samvaknin Thank you, seen a Narcissist in a helpless and utterly powerless state after being fired and humiliated. He wasn't able to decide or do anything useful for 2 days and then turned against his family who tried to help him.

[@newandinterestingupdates1889]

Why do narcissists lack cathexis?

[@samvaknin]

Where did you get this strange idea from? All human being cathect, narcissists or not.

[@xochitl7489]

Hi, I have a question, do narcissists only exist because of they were abused during childhood, or they can become narcissists as abused teenagers or adults?

[@samvaknin]

Only childhood abuse and trauma (ACEs).

[@simonmuthemba9700]

Mr vaknin , you ,you are a very and intelligent person..any chance of being the next president of the USA? Maybe 🤔? They desperately need you 😢

[@Lili-eh5vl]

May I ask this you guys? What is your opinion or viewpoint on having someone you know ( for example) as are narcissistic couple in the military or civilians. They are in an online dating app targeting empath people as their victims.

[@likskirtspleetscreen]

There should be a new term: Narcissist bypassing, pointing at others supposed Narcissism condition to justify someone's inability to evolve/face crisis. *This is a narcissist comment*

[@maryfrances1307]

Sounds like a borderline.

[@nadinesoussi7352]

Hahaha it's all fake ,so scary