NPD Narcissist, or Merely Narcissistic Style? Sick, or Just A-hole?

All of us have narcissistic TRAITS. Some of us even develop a narcissistic PERSONALITY, or a narcissistic STYLE. Moreover, narcissism is a SPECTRUM of behaviors - from the healthy to the utterly pathological, from lesser to greater to greatest (a condition known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD) to the ultimate (malignant or psychopathic narcissism).
Healthy narcissism develops in infancy and is the indispensable foundation of one's sense of self-worth (self-esteem and self-confidence). It is a form of private language with a narrative aimed at an internal audience of one.
Healthy narcissism is, therefore, an organizational and hermeneutic (interpretative) principle of the personality.
Pathological narcissism is a private religion with the False Self as the godhead and the True Self as the sacrificial lamb. The single worshipper in this faith is the narcissist.
The audience is external and its feedback is used to regulate the narcissist's sense of self-worth and fulfil his ego functions.
Both forms of narcissism require creative acts and creativity in both maintenance and exegesis.
The DSM V re-defines personality disorders thus:
"The essential features of a personality disorder are impairments in personality (self and interpersonal) functioning and the presence of pathological personality traits."
According to the Alternative DSM V Model for Personality Disorders (p.767), the following criteria must be met to diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder (in parentheses my comments):
Moderate or greater impairment in personality functioning in either identity, or self-direction (should be: in both.)
Identity
The narcissist keeps referring to others excessively in order to regulate his self-esteem (really, sense of self-worth) and for "self-definition" (to define his identity.) His self-appraisal is exaggerated, whether it is inflated, deflated, or fluctuating between these two poles and his emotional regulation reflects these vacillations.
(Finally, the DSM V accepted what I have been saying for decades: that narcissists can have an "inferiority complex" and feel worthless and bad; that they go through cycles of ups and downs in their self-evaluation; and that this cycling influences their mood and affect).
Self-direction
The narcissist sets goals in order to gain approval from others (narcissistic supply; the DSM V ignores the fact that the narcissist finds disapproval equally rewarding as long as it places him firmly in the limelight.) The narcissist lacks self-awareness as far as his motivation goes (and as far as everything else besides.)
The narcissist's personal standards and benchmarks are either too high (which supports his grandiosity), or too low (buttresses his sense of entitlement, which is incommensurate with his real-life performance.)
Impairments in interpersonal functioning in either empathy or intimacy (should be: in both.)
Empathy
The narcissist finds it difficult to identify with the emotions and needs of others, but is very attuned to their reactions when they are relevant to himself (cold empathy.) Consequently, he overestimates the effect he has on others or underestimates it (the classic narcissist never underestimates the effect he has on others - but the inverted narcissist does.)
Intimacy
The narcissist's relationships are self-serving and, therefore shallow and superficial. They are centred around and geared at the regulation of his self-esteem (obtaining narcissistic supply for the regulation of his labile sense of self-worth.)
The narcissist is not "genuinely" interested in his intimate partner's experiences (implying that he does fake such interest convincingly.) The narcissist emphasizes his need for personal gain (by using the word "need", the DSM V acknowledges the compulsive and addictive nature of narcissistic supply). These twin fixtures of the narcissist's relationships render them one-sided: no mutuality or reciprocity (no intimacy).
Pathological personality traits
Antagonism characterized by grandiosity and attention-seeking
Grandiosity
The aforementioned feeling of entitlement. The DSM V adds that it can be either overt or covert (which corresponds to my taxonomy of classic and inverted narcissist.)
Grandiosity is characterized by self-centredness; a firmly-held conviction of superiority (arrogance or haughtiness); and condescending or patronizing attitudes.
Attention-seeking
The narcissist puts inordinate effort, time, and resources into attracting others (sources of narcissistic supply) and placing himself at the focus and centre of attention. He seeks admiration (the DSM V gets it completely wrong here: the narcissist does prefer to be admired and adulated, but, failing that, any kind of attention would do, even if it is negative.)
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[@SurayaG]

it is not that abused women don’t have the guts to breakup, it is that she knows him well enough to know everything has to be his idea or the circumstances will be extremely unsafe and dangerous for her

[@Marissatro1773]

Wow that is so true. I had to talk to my abusive ex many times about breaking up but in a way that made it seem like he was choosing and that it was really better for himself. And even then when he realized the true reasoning he became extremely mentally unstable and I only felt safe because I had moved the year prior far away from. Thanks for pointing that out!

[@gorunsko31]

Thank you 🙏 for pointing it out.

[@ayeelaura]

@@Marissatro1773 yesss you are property and they won't accept it unless you admit it's bcos u cheated 50 times or something ridiculous.

[@JH-td4mn]

Thank you for stating this. I tried to understand why I found it so hard to leave the Narcissist and this is why. He used coercive control and it gradually dawned on me that he had no empathy and he admitted he'd been violent in the past. He spoke about some of his exes and mother like they were dirt. I instinctively knew I had to somehow get him to let me go without too much drama. In the end his mask completely slipped and then he seemed to feel completely ashamed and I never saw him again. I did not call him out on his disgusting, abusive behaviour but did tell him to get therapy for the sake of his children. I think he was a self aware Narcissist.

[@lealea6020]

When I broke up with a narc boyfriend (I spoke to him in a nice way), he threw me against a wall and took my phone. It is not always so easy, these people can display violence

[@rebeccafay5338]

Very interesting content as usual Sam. I burst out laughing, at the bit where you sympathize with Nebuchadnezzar 🤣 I find your honesty refreshing. Listening to your videos is strangely comforting in these crazy fake times. Many Thanks.

[@christinapaterno5585]

@@patriciadyer2942Jesus Christ, he’s Jewish

[@Kevin-dx7ut]

I used to think that she was possibly a borderline the longer we dated, but it turns out she was both borderline and a covert narcissist. What is crazy is that for the longest time I felt like my story was unique. I thought the way I was discarded was so cruel and no one could relate. But it turns out this is becoming more and more common. It is sad.

[@michaelb7740]

Mine said she had adhd and was bipolar... surely she can be diagnosed as NPD due to what DSM says about narcissism. All 9 criteria ✔️ her drug was sex, and she was hypersexual in a sick way and also autoerotic.

[@Kevin-dx7ut]

​@@michaelb7740 Oh yeah, hypersexuality was very prominent in my situation as well. She knew what kind of supply that could get her, as long as she pretended to be loyal.

[@reneemiller4665]

It is sad

[@michaelb7740]

@@damitw it is so sick

[@michaelb7740]

Covert narcs can initialy be difficult to spot but after getting the necessary info it is really easy to see the red flags. They don't behave like we normal people do. Lack of empty and real love.. I saw that and started to distance myself, used her the same way she used me.. 😂 Then the mask slipped and I saw her real self. Empty, needy, traumatised little girl in a growm womans body. Her drug was 6, she fullfulled all the 9 criteria according to the DSM. Claimed to be a member of mensa even though I saw that was a lie..she was really unintellectual, just a simple parasite, empty needy, lonely . She said everyone was irrational but she slipped on her own agenda and she did not even notice that I am an educated guy who seeks to find info.. So she fell into her own trap. She did have an agenda but it did not work. Glad she is not my problem any more. ✊😁💪I discarded her. No contact, no hoovers.

[@LimitlessThinker]

I am noticing, or should I say observing, that social media is training either gender to become narcissistic. It has become acceptable to put an unusual emphasis on the external image that one projects. There isn't enough emphasis on inner value. The more shallow people become, the more lack of safety people feel.

[@samvaknin]

videotranscripts.dk/ (Transcripts) kzbin.info/www/bejne/mp67lJ2sgZ6JicU (The True Toxicity of Social Media) kzbin.info/www/bejne/o2SbiGudod6Gfdk (Malignant Egalitarianism) kzbin.info/www/bejne/bp3FfX2sjJWpb6s (The Need to Be Seen) kzbin.info/www/bejne/hnndqICCrZKlgcU (Plugged-in Documentary) kzbin.info/www/bejne/rWPVfKWNg7yeiZI (How to Fix Social Media) kzbin.info/www/bejne/nHqonXSIn7d6itE (Social Media as the Big Eye)

[@dianevanderlinden3480]

Yep. You look at social media and think..I never knew how many beautiful people there are out there (YesI know many dont really look like that, and by 'you' and 'I' I just mean any random person who might get sucked in) how do I compete, how to I get noticed..and the slippery slope descent begins.

[@pysq8]

Even moreso today. The fact that people won't listen to Vaknin, en masse, *proves* society's narcissism, which is inherent in this fear construct we all participate in somehow. What he says is good science, which people claim they stand by... but not when it hurts their feelings, or shall I say, our idealized self-images and the shared fantasy that we are already civilized.

[@seriouscat2231]

@@samvaknin, the last two have been removed. Any way to know what was in them?

[@samvaknin]

@@seriouscat2231 Afraid not.

[@sherrilljohnson4496]

This narcissist is real, he twisted my brain nearly to the point of madness, also many other people in his life told me all the same stories

[@carlastopher1686]

The questions that have been gnawing in my gut were completely answered today..thankful beyond words my dear.

[@gigib8849]

Thank you for this one. I’ve been struggling with whether I dealt with a true NPD or someone with narcissistic traits. After this informative lesson I still lean toward full blown NPD; however the verdict will probably never be reached. He died earlier this summer. Regardless of a “true” diagnosis (which I do not understand my compulsion to have an answer), the wreckage appears to be the same and I will forever be picking up the pieces.

[@judithdg4266]

This is incredible....the last description is so spot on.. it helps me a lot.. its just unbelievable.

[@sophiabeck660]

Thank you Dr Vaknin! Your videos are very helpful for me to annalize what is happening in my life!

[@darkbubbles4]

Its not that rare anymore. Its everywhere now.

[@rm809]

Is there any evidence that the process is at times swapped with narcisisstic women? As in, the woman initially plays the role of a lovable, airy, playful (child figure) and then switches to a parental, control freak role whom punishes every action that she doesn't directly sanction throughout the shared fantasy?

[@samvaknin]

If SHE is the narcissist, yes.

[@kathyhansen2820]

Just pay attention to the differences between how she act with men as opposed to how she acts with other women. Plenty of clues there.

[@pvc25]

Would be fascinating to explore this further. Is this purely instrumental (the more effective way to secure supply from the intimate partner), or a reflection of a different developmental route (different from the split-mother path we are familiar with in the male case).

[@brendaharding8010]

Some months before meeting my narcissist I came across a sermon on King nebadekanazzar. I listened to this long sermon by saddle back church preacher. Very interesting. Thank you Sam!!

[@seriouscat2231]

Nebuchadnezzar. I googled it to verify but I already spelt the keyword correctly.

[@danpriestman8164]

The nature of man (physics), is well mapped (psychoanalytics/existentialism). We are a force in motion, with clear choices before us, the power of knowledge can and will create for us our reality.

[@danpriestman8164]

I.e. avoid friction, at least with people of a higher specific gravity, vacuums, etc.

[@noliejones4704]

Sam, do you think that possibly the rise in the number of female narcissistic cases could be due to the interactions with narcissists that were previously predominantly males? I wonder this because you have said many times in previous sessions how narcissism breeds narcissism, how it is “contagious” and is the only way to manipulate the narcissist. Perhaps these women were merely with borderline traits before and their constant interaction with a narcissist caused them to eventually act in both ways. Just a thought I had when you were talking about that.

[@samvaknin]

No. It is a part of a much bigger trend: Unigender. Women are becoming men, assuming all the traditionally male traits and behaviors, including narcissism and psychopathy. I made several videos about unigender and gender vertigo.

[@danvorosmarty9854]

This seems really plausible to me, just from my own anecdotal experience. I saw pretty clearly how there were perhaps some mild BPD traits, but that after this person had been in a relationship with a narc (and had a narc parent), she definitely took on some of those exact traits (and projected them as well).

[@misslayer999]

@@danvorosmarty9854 this definitely seems like somewhat of a "trend" I've noticed a lot lately as well... don't think these women have full-blown NPD. I'm pretty sure they can't actually acquire the disorder in adulthood. I just think they've become much more narcissistic following their experience with one. Remember, BPD by itself, without comorbidity can strongly resemble NPD

[@Snow-wz6eu]

The Big Book of Alcoholic anonymous is also a good description of narcissism.

[@rachelinthelionsden]

The entire book? Or just a particular section on narcissism? Or are I saying alcoholic are narcissistic .,

[@zima3181]

Learned today from your other video that you are located in Rostov on the Don river. Love that city. Rich history.

[@samvaknin]

I teach there, I don’t live there. Until recently, I spent a lot of time there. They have amazing restaurants, too!

[@joseteclettl7332]

Hi, I love your job ,you Saved my life, I ‘ m so glad of you job !❤

[@jodie4001]

I am afraid this is what is happening to my daughter. Her borderline personality disorder has pushed her over the edge into narcissism. I am afraid that I have lost my daughter to NPD and I don't know how to get her back!? Should I let go completely? I am heartbroken💔

[@user-gz7ov3nc5q]

Oh Cindy...same here. Am 75 and my daughter is a little girl locked in a 50 year old body that has not assumed even the physique or mentality of an adult. I watch in dismay. I have lost a fortune over the years trying therapies and personal support. Recently, I decided to distance myself and was ready to give up but I witnessed hoardes of 'foxes' waiting to capitalise on her if no one was available to protect her. Prof Vaknin says there's no therapeutic therapy for narc and I tend to believe that. We can only pray for divine supernatural intervention.

[@dianeclayton4936]

I appreciate the frustration about searching...I find it baffling how people overlook the phone in their hand while expecting me to google on their behalf!

[@SEThatered]

Regarding a distribution of narcissism between sexes. I have always found it odd that psychoactive treatments are divided by sex, yet DSM does not make such distinction.

[@Krusty-kl5ej]

Don't get me wrong. I have met some of the finest people you could meet who gravitate to the upper executive levels of major companies. But I've also met some of the worst. I sense that a high proportion of narcissists gravitate to this level as well.

[@lauriewilson4016]

As far as i am concerned Sir. THANK YOU ! STRANGE DAYS INDEED ! Tho..Not surprising.. What a trip since '59 Take Care Sir !!!

[@elisabethjensdatter7804]

I wonder how the amount of discarding that we are seeing partners do right now is motivated by their partners’ behaviors around the pandemic? If one partner is taking every reasonable precaution to avoid contact with covid and the other is flaunting their belief that covid isn’t a big deal…that may be causing a lot of very strong reactions by one/both partners and abrupt discard. Safety is a highly significant core need and if your partner doesn’t do it, then it can seem reasonable to leave them, which may seem like flippant discarding. This was a very interesting idea and I love exploring how narcissism plays out so uniquely depending on so very many influencing factors. I also love that you don’t judge the narcissistic type of people like so many “experts“ tend to do. Just because someone tends to be narcissistic doesn’t mean that they are not worthy of love or caring consideration even though the trajectory of the relationship is not a healthy one. Thank you as always!

[@danieldora2208]

I think only those people can fully understand all the stages who have been with a real narcissist. I have been, and you are helping me to finally distant myself. I wish I could actually discuss my story with you. :) He has a very high IQ and he had a wife who could almost be his mother. I am probably co-dependent and might have become a narcissist in a way...Only one friend of mine can understand what I have gone through. I even moved to the UK from Hungary to be apart, but then came back...and started again, and again... Thank you for all your videos!And all suggestions links and knowledge. Wish you the best!

[@danieldora2208]

Thank you!

[@aliyavaleyeva]

Exactly the same what I went through!

[@danieldora2208]

Really?!If it’s not too much to ask, I would be very much interested in your story! Do you think we could find a way to talk? Are you over it?Thank you!

[@serena8429]

Apologies if this has already been mentioned/answered, but what's your favourite philosopher , Dr Vaknin? And what are your thoughts/views on Stoicism? Thank you 😊

[@samvaknin]

Kant is my favorite. I wish I could be a Stoic.

[@serena8429]

@@samvaknin thanks for answering 😊

[@fleece9289]

You keep saying you’re old...perhaps you knew the Stoics? I had to look up Stoic (with a capital S), thanks 😊 interesting

[@ayeelaura]

I told my ex he needed therapy and he told me "No! WE need couples therapy. Or you don't care about our relationship?" (and so trying to sidestep what I didn't expect would be a grenade begins). So glad I got out.

[@patriasalgado4125]

Very interesting,"God discard us in the Eden",thanks for this valuable information ,I need it to know THE AGE for diagnosis in Npd.

[@velmadenton3254]

These are staggering numbers/statistics that you have noted a trend from your Data Base from 1997 -2001. The number of female narcissists went from 19 females to 386! I tend to agree that the numbers of male and female narcissists is by now 50/50. All you have to do is look around you with your opened eyes and ears; and it’s in your face every day “narcissistic lifestyle” and those who exhibit and display narcissistic traits.

[@danpriestman8164]

I believe all life capable of manipulating duality. An example being slime mold. Single cellular, it can "sense" its environment by locating duality within its walls in relation to food. It then makes it's self bigger in that environment until it's reality is realised.

[@starqueenlotus3755]

Thankyou for this lecture. I request if you can teach about how to recognise a narcissist on online dating platforms ( where both people hv not met in person but are chatting or talking on calls on social media) . Thankyou in advance

[@cantfindmykeys]

I was concerned that I may have narcissistic traits. But now I see that my personality characteristics most likely fit the description of Assertive (about 60%) and the remaining 40% seems to be Confident. I have BDE. Females are known to have BDE so now I can sleep better at night. Many thanks!

[@zibart.byInnaZibart]

Thanks a lot for telling that God is a narcissist! I always thought that it is not normal to say "believe only in me and in no other God".

[@seriouscat2231]

If you were the source of all being, truth and love then would that not be a reasonable request?

[@PretendingToBeCanadian69]

​@@seriouscat2231The words we put into God's mouth are our words and our own projections and therefore reflect us. The ideas about God are our inventions and tell us how sick we really are, that's the crucial point.

[@seriouscat2231]

@@PretendingToBeCanadian69, you missed my point totally. But it's on you if you deny the existence of being or truth as such.

[@PretendingToBeCanadian69]

@@seriouscat2231 I don't deny the existence of truth. However, I stay away from people who claim that they know what their God wants or who claim to be spokespersons or representatives of God.

[@seriouscat2231]

@@PretendingToBeCanadian69, I'm not interested in what you do or don't do. But it seems you deny the knowability of truth.

[@Sophie-uc8vp]

Your amended criteria exactly describe my ex partner.

[@saved3671]

I was always wondering, why ,now my ex partner , always complained about women . He said once ,,form his grandma, mother his sister, they always problems. He was blaming woman for taking power from man , and all his ex girlfriends, there was problems with them never with him. He never ever said sorry ,never wrong. When I started to do my things, and said no,, he pushed me to pack his things. He said that ,I dont listen. I so much better without this mental brain washing. It was so hurtful, and at the end I felt like om his servant. Now I am focusing on my kids, and myself, not grumpy, moody always right ,grown up man.

[@franceshaggitt3104]

good for youx me too

[@franceshaggitt3104]

are you saved as in baptised

[@saved3671]

@@franceshaggitt3104 I belive God saved me from that toxic relationship. More I was into The Bible, more and more my that time partner was colder towards me. Yes after all was over ,few months later I got baptised. Feeling so peaceful ,different.

[@franceshaggitt3104]

@@saved3671 awesome. I was close to God when devil sent narc. Can I message you on email

[@saved3671]

@@franceshaggitt3104 sure 👍

[@jasonseagram4622]

1 Corinthians <a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="196">3:16</a> “Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?”

[@tarat4027]

The cycle summed up in min. 22-29... I doubt (and experience) that a person who did not go through this abusive "interaction" between codependent and narcissist can (not) grasp what is accurately explained here.

[@barrydworak]

If we had the Divine Right of Database Administrators, I might want to do that again.

[@jellohello2820]

How old does someone have to be to be diagnosed with a personality disorder? . What would you class as early adulthood? . Over 18 25 or even older?.

[@samvaknin]

Today, we define "young adults" as 15-25 (see studies by Jean Twenge). I think 25 should be the earliest cutoff age for an NPD diagnosis.

[@dancingdamselfly]

@@samvaknin is this to allow time for the prefrontal cortex to fully develop? And if so, does that mean there is room for intervention before the age of 25? Thank you.

[@samvaknin]

No. It is because younger generations grow up much more slowly (live with their parents longer, study longer). Many of them never grow up. Adulthood is becoming obsolete.

[@dancingdamselfly]

@@samvaknin which brings us back to understanding mental health within the context of the culture. Thank you.

[@dancingdamselfly]

@@carlaheine8466 I don’t think mental health can or should go out of style. Dr. Vaknin has said he believes narcissism should be understood in the context of the culture, that’s what I’m referring to.

[@SarahEWalsh]

I’ll figure out the search thingy. 😊

[@abdelrahmanmustafa8937]

Prof. Sam can you please discuss the Imaginary of Jacques Lacan??

[@samvaknin]

Will do.

[@spiderok8663]

They can't cheat if their not allowed out of the house.

[@misslayer999]

Well, ok then... honestly that comment makes you sound like the fucked up one. Hopefully there's not a hostage or human trafficking situation going on at your house...lol, you ever seen the movie Misery? And yeah I guess they couldn't cheat, physically with another person...unless of course, you in fact, DO leave the house lol. And yes, they totally will. Good luck with all that.

[@dawnosmond3240]

Mine did

[@carollynnhentges13]

Is there a queationaire/or test that a person could do privately at home. I was a I asking for my partner of 18 years but writing this while listening I felt some of the things you described when A woman is angry described me. I call this rage'n. I feel I cant Control the rage hate and vengeance I feel . I would like to know if there is a test to see to what degree if any and what type. if there is not can you make one? I know the whole town I live the men should mandatory take this because I think there is idk something in the water. Of course there isn't but how could this be so common when it wasn't. I feel like nobody opens their eyes to this bebavior. And it can be very dangerous dealing with these types. Thank yoj

[@samvaknin]

Only a diagnostician can diagnose.

[@Marie-mg7zp]

& USA

[@Marie-mg7zp]

North Korea....

[@thepowerman8952]

<a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="3517">58:37</a> 😂😂😂

[@lucasbay836]

Mr Vaknin, what is the best way these days (covid times) to get a diagnosis if you have NARCISSISTIC TRAITS or have a FULL BLOWN NPD? Also if you have just TRAITS how affective and quick CBT is to diminish these traits to a healthy level? Thank you

[@samvaknin]

Watch the relevant vids on this channel. CBT does not modify traits but your thinking. Once your thought patterns change, your behaviors follow, but your traits are unaffected. Only a qualified mental health diagnostician can determine whether someone suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and this, following lengthy tests and personal interviews. These may be of help - click on the links: vaksam.tripod.com/1.html vaksam.tripod.com/npdglance.html vaksam.tripod.com/faq82.html vaksam.tripod.com/faqpd.html

[@lucasbay836]

@@samvaknin Thank you

[@lucasbay836]

Have you read a book “No more mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover? The “Nice guy syndrome” sounds a lot like NPD in many ways. What are your thoughts?

[@samvaknin]

@@lucasbay836 My thoughts are that you have no idea what is NPD if you could write such nonsense.

[@urilahat8090]

Love you man