My Narcissist Cheats, Jealous, Unaware and Other Pearls

[@marthatorres1273]

I recently left a marriage that was about to become an emotional turmoil with my narcissist husband of 5 months. Known him for 1 year and a half, rushed into marriage and then moved in once we married. Like you said in this video, I gas lighted myself, all the red flags were there! All of them! I’m an emotionally stable woman, no trauma. I thought I could make him a better person, he said I made him a better person, loved him. I did meet him in my worst moment during a big change financially and he provided everything I needed emotionally at the moment and much intense love bombing. Luckily for me, once he started with the emotional abuse; within a week, I knew it was time to pack and go. I know what love is and what he was doing was trying to break me down, bring down my self esteem, confuse me, make me suffer. Like you said, no stable emotional woman will stay with a narcissist.

[@jbarryjul4159]

To me, the emptiness is due to the suppression of the "real" self in service of the idealized. Being a slave to the false self is equivalent to the never ending overt desire of pleasing parental figures when young; this desire is like an addiction.

[@lyndahowell3678]

Thank you Sam for your response to me today and for yet another fascinating and thought provoking video. Having heard your valuable video on twins and acknowledgement of my work, I realise that it is about time that I contribute more about twins and the effects of their shared identity on each other and those they are close to. Being dyslexic I have fought off the thought of writing again as it is such a challenge. Our correspondence and your acknowledgment of my work has helped me to recognise that perhaps it’s time I take courage and write once more. To educate others in a deeper understanding of the dilemmas and symbiotic bliss of being a twin and the psychological differences between singletons and twins/multiples would I think give insight to many people. So here goes...... pen in hand and ready to enjoy the journey wherever it takes me. Thank you for seeing me for who I am, a twin, an academic and an individual who can own her importance in the world and grow up completely.

[@samvaknin]

I wholeheartedly encourage you to contribute more!

[@willywokeup9112]

I am a gay woman in a relationship with a covert narcissist twin for 8 years. her twin has passed away from cancer. This woman pretends to have other love interests but has not cheated. she does not fit in the so called on line coaches version of what she is or does. she was the scapegoat turned golden child, very strange indeed. feel free to message me, I have allot of interesting info.

[@svl5066]

It’s good to hear the truth. A secure attachment type wouldn’t be interested in a narcissist. Lucky them

[@ReneeFit]

I was raised by a narcissist and have had much contact with them, all a disaster. I never considered myself a victim. It was just unawareness. Now that I am aware, you remain no contact and have tight boundaries with those in your life you can't go contact with who have these hurtful patterns. They are people too. As Sam says, just "retarded" ones. It doesn't matter if your empathic or not, be strong and stay away.

[@GingerbreaddGypsy]

As a BPD woman I have no shame in saying I’ve fallen in love here. I love listening to you talk. The awareness, the intelligence, the understanding… Knowing all of this…would I still run if I had you?

[@dragoscosma84]

You would

[@grandkids1513]

Dr Vaknin It’s so true in my case, as you say ( I didn’t think so but have come to realise) I am damaged, I am still trying to heal and your videos have truly helped, I took your advice and have gone no contact, therefore in the future hopefully I can find peace and move forward, thank you

[@tia6468]

True i also only realised that i was damaged and had low self worth even though i did my best to do the right things and not create reasons for my mom to be embarrassed or dissapointed by me i never lived for me but to be the good child for some love and affection from Mommy dearest i only realised after the death moms death that i am broken and emotionally damaged and un trusting of people's intensions and belive that everyone will hurt and hate me and also i am an eager Beaver when it comes to people pleasing i do it not to be hated as that is what i expect people to feel towards me as i always felt growing up

[@grandkids1513]

@@tia6468 it’s so difficult and I feel for you, We do need to trust and go on and heal, as hard as it’s going to be we owe it to ourselves 🥰

[@Lynch888a]

This is so true about the women they pick. Hard but true. I'm traumatized and damaged....supernova Empath😂 made me laugh, yes, I was intuitively thought the same, when reading stories of victims of narc abuse. That they were picked, cuz of some special unique empath qualities in them...we were picked, cuz other healthy with high esteem women don't fall for that "Disney land" sh.t. Thank you Sam Vaknin for your videos.

[@katrox0]

Sam I have to tell you...you are so captivating and intelligent. Also very funny! Listening to you has changed my life in a very positive way! Keep up the awesome work you are doing! ❤️

[@julieangle3988]

Sam, I do my best to search your channel and this video hit hard for me, many tears and the reality is real. I know I was vulnerable ... my mother passed and he was grooming and predator like with me, offered to help with moving things... thought he was a sweet guy but instead of jumping ship I jumped onboard! I know I am accountable also for my part, being fragile, codependant for sure, just everything the last four years, I need to open up more. Now he has my oldest brother under his sail, a monkey... you know... just uses him. My brother has OCD, UNEMPLOYED... lives off a limited income and my brother looks out for him, finds him free things, asks him for help with things even though my brother is smart and intelligent and has know how. It's like he goes out of his way to make my ex feel wanted, needed, important.... all the things I tried to do in our relationship!... When we were a couple he would call and call my ex numerous times a day... even when he knew we were spending time together or going out to supper somewhere, crazy! I felt like my brother was some 3rd wheel or trying to fight for my ex's affections! I'm his only sister and I am the youngest in my family, he is the oldest... almost 10years older than myself. My ex would down play it and act like it bothered him but deep inside I knew he loved it and how it upset me.My ex comes from a family of 13 kids... my question to you is parents who have this many kids, could this be a recipe for raising narcissists? He has highly attention seeking behavior, not just from me but from strangers in public as well. Please could you also give me some feedback on my brother? Julie THANK YOU, I am so into your educating and learning~

[@PoizonGirl.]

19:00 its so sad and true. Financially and economically he stole everything from me. Everyone. All my opportunities and what i tried to have going. Deliberately. To keep me dependent and to opress and ste from me. And i was in an impossible situation to live through financially, continent away from my family. Going through death of my father. It really hurts to remember what happened to me afterwards. He wanted to abuse me only. Nothing else. And he was so fake character wise. He was physically Unattractive& obese when i married him and had 0000 money.. I will never chose and probably cant chose now with covidiot lol a man based only on his character... Because a freaking character is so easily faked. Well, i wish i knew that before he took my life. I could never imgaine that people like him exist when i was 19 and married this entity. Haven't seen my family in years and every time people learned what my life is they blame me for not "just leaving"... And then the fake friends leave. Cause they judge me for what he did to me.

[@catsalive9572]

Thank you for the science and dispelling the myths. 💚

[@zilgala422]

This was my first relationship ever with narcissist. I come from a good family who believed in goodness of people and forgiveness. He was my only bf. For 4 years. Will I end up attracting such low lying scums?? I always hit him back harder when he was abusive only trap I fell was he justified it with issues with his mom.he never let me break up. I thought he is troubled and was trying to help him heal. I am worried will I always cross such people in my life? What healing am I supposed to do for not attracting such people? I am still young. I have my whole life ahead. I understood what he was 2 months after he discarded me. Please help.

[@dannyg6045]

Dr. Vaknin has a video on this channel called Love yourself: Here's how, It is 34-35 mins long and only audio I recommend you watch it a few times.

[@zilgala422]

I never saw him misbehave with anyone in first 2 years of relationship. Except his mom. Which now is like biggest red flag. He was extremely rude and inconsiderate to his mom. Only during times when he needed money he would behave nicely. His behaviour with others became evident when I was deep in relationship with him. It is very very difficult to catch such person who I knew as a friend since 8 years. He was so shy and nice behaving person. So respectful to women. I would have never known his truth if he dint discard me. I had literally forgotten the abuse he did all this 2 years as if it never happened. We were about to get engaged. And suddenly he just broke up as if it was nothing and blamed it on me that I don't wear nice clothes, I am not physically attractive, criticized every thing which he used to love in beginning. For 2 months I begged him. He even hoovered once we got back. And he was worse. We met for patching up and he just kept on blaming and physically and verbally abusing me. It opened my eyes. I dint find that thing normal. He was literally smiling when I was crying badly. He even was planting suicide in my head. He said "I hope you don't commit suicide as you love me so much. Please reach home safe. Don't jump in the water". I never mentioned anything about being depressed or suicide. I said I am not that weak to do it. 15 days to that there is still no contact!! 🙏🙏

[@halfheart02]

My first ever "relationship" was with a narcissist as well. I also come from a very good family and am easily duped by people who put on a show of being "nice". I hope I don't attract more narcissists in the future too...

[@kyliesmith9782]

@@halfheart02 me too x

[@grzegorzgasiorowski7448]

galactic empath xD

[@tia6468]

True my Narcs all see their revolting behaviour as their good attributes, they see themselves as strong and assertive instead of arrogant, straight forward instead of unnecessarily rude or realistic instead of hurtful or cold, emotionally strong instead of insensitive, the Narcissist met me at a good healthy time in my life things where okay or good for 6 years until i fell into disparity with issues from long ago started surfacing with the illness and death of a narcissistic mom and a life long trauma bond withdrawals started to become a major problem in my life he started abusing me verbally emotionally and physically for the next 5 years but he refused to let me go saying that he would rather kill me because if he cant have me no one else ever will, but here is the problem,"""'" i am the mistress we have been together for 11years and he is married to someone else for 5 years

[@vaishaliverma6169]

I’m sam vaknin and I am handsome. You’re the best

[@ash1277100]

Sam yet again you’ve got it absolutely right ! It doesn’t matter if it isn’t politically correct or offensive because it is true about the partners of narcissists . I’m saying this even for myself and my own issues lol. What’s your opinion on whether narcissists ever proclaim themselves to be very empathetic? Like during a phase let’s say where you just are Speaking to someone and they call you amazing and say that they can see this because they’re very empathetic? I’ve seen some theories about people proclaiming to be empathetic or empaths who end up being narcissistic . Love your videos

[@PlayMaster121]

Prof Vaknin, you are right the Narcissist got me when I was in my vunerable state, we were working in the same company for more than 10 years, i did not pay attention to him because he was not my type, I did not think I would fall for that type of man. For some reason I fell for it at my vunerable state. Prof Vaknin, how did the narcissist sense that we are in the vunerable state? are they born with that skill ?

[@samvaknin]

Watch the vids about cold empathy.

[@PlayMaster121]

Sam Vaknin appreciate for your reply, Prof Vaknin

[@sunnybun11]

Would you make a video explaining the difference between a factor 1 psychopathic female and a borderline female?

[@samvaknin]

Good idea. Two major differences: the secondary psychopath possesses and exercises empathy and has access to her emotions (though she often misinterprets and mislabels them)

[@jordanashleypug]

Love your work. Would enjoy an expansion on how the ICD and DSM are grocery lists. Thanks for keeping us informed.

[@WendyRambo-ob3zf]

It's me again and I won't bite you or say irrelevant things like how I've complimented you if how handsome you are etc-- in all seriousness you have explained, scientifically and emotionally the narcissistic psychopath who destroyed my life around me and me, and I have let go of my anger from your describing that these people don't see in reality and truly believe the delusions this person imposed on me we're not things they deliberately did in planning and didn't necessarily premeditated to destroy- they just ARE. However, in your warnings to me and advise to go no contact, I listened because my life was in shambles my children abandoned me and I ended up in a mental hospital trying to explain what happened and no one listened to me and the reason they didn't is because they thought I was paranoid etc -- in which they were partially correct-- this is one of the results you get in the damage from the narcissistic psychopath as you are reduced to defending, at the most primitive levels similar to that of a child. I was almost complete ruined. I am in the midst of a struggle to even live as I became suicidal . I was being told by him that I was better off to commit suicide and to do it.... which puzzles me because that is a dangerous and deliberate thing to tell someone in such obvious despair, which he'd driven me to, yet in your lectures I got the information that these psychopaths are unaware that they're doing this, what could likely lead to my death. I get confused -- how could a human being not know that they could prompt someone to end their life with a direct statement like that, that could mean nothing else? ... that they could possibly be partly responsible for a DEATH ? Still no one around me believed me (when I told them) and I always ended up as the liar; the woman using him (wtf ???); the witch exaggerating everything etc., and worse. So the "no contact" literally likely saved my life Dr Vaknin. Knowledge is power in many respects, and it is you who provided me with the knowledge about the stage in the relationship where I was, and I inadvertently spared my life when I had no other option to try but your stressing so adamantly to go "no contact". I continue to watch you, daily, however the pain in the sometimes devastating realizations. But none are as devastating as this man was to my very well-being or will to exist at all. The struggle is real. And it's baffling how I can still be walking and talking and living among the people I tried to tell, whom still don't realize this all really happened. It is incredibly lonely and I feel separated from "normal" people in my silence about this, like I've gone thru a treacherous, life- threatening hurricane, and the leaves aren't even moving on trees in reality's peaceful weather. And people are looking into my eyes in conversation to someone(me) who almost... wasn't... and they don't even know it. How do I ever step into my own shoes, and walk thru this PTSD and MDD as if I were ME ??? I have absolutely, unequivocally, and nearly unbearably no one now, my immed fam are all as recent, deceased -- even my sweet beloved dog was killed. I weirdly and painfully feel the weight of the fact that I have NO human love no matter the form, and no human care. I hold on to just do the next indicated thing in self respect and care, even if I'm faking that.

[@genxguy5275]

Mr. Vaknin insight into the human mind is really amazing. Please do a video exclusively on the narcissistic female!

[@samvaknin]

Please search the channel before you waste my time.

[@juanguerrero4490]

Dr Vaknin, what they say is true, when you master a topic you can explain it in simpler terms to the not knowledgeable, is easy to learn from you I am kind of confuse due, those the narcissist try to undermine your self esteem unconsciously or because he want you as a supply source? Will be great to know Thanks for all the insightful knowledge

[@samvaknin]

Watch the vid of my FB event to be uploaded later this week.

[@worthylove3339]

Professor Sam.. i'm almost watch all of your videos i am a borderline female and my partner is a narcissistic female and we're currently in a long distance relationship and it's been 6 months and she left abroad and it was like a battlefield in hell like hell is bottomless even we are apart and i was wondering why even if we're trying so hard to let go we just can't and it took me by surprised when i found out that she was cheating on me like it goes on for like 2 months now. But when i found out that he that she was cheating on me she suddenly stopped idealizing the person who she's cheating with.. why??? During those two months doing tricks behind my back i felt extremely devalued and discarded like i feel like i'm going to lose my mind that i could sense that there was really something going on and it's really predictable the way she she acts but i think i was in a deep state of denial and ever since she left I been isolating myself and and i couldn't believe that i've been disconnected from the world for almost half a year now. And I know I do not have to explain it any further what I'vebeen throughall I could say is its like hell and its bottomless. I was just wondering why when i caught her cheated she suddenly stopped Idealizing the person she was with while putting me to longest sleepless night I have ever been in.

[@mnazhanashah8630]

could psychology pinpoint the exact age range where narcissism can be reversed or deemed preventable?

[@samvaknin]

Probably before adolescence. Psychopathy starts much earlier (as Conduct Disorder) and cannot be reversed.

[@dawn6232]

If parents could just be good enough, I think there would be a decrease in many mental health issues, even physical and cognitive issues. Check out Nadine Burke Harris’ Ted Talk on adverse childhood experiences. Emotional abuse and neglect can be insidious. Society needs to protect their children better, even if it’s against their own pathological parents to stop the intergenerational trauma. They also need to educate, support, and empower parents to be better parents. There’s a lot of work to do, but first it has to be recognized by more.

[@paulaflowing6124]

@@dawn6232 Such an Important, a essencial issue. Parents need to be Informed and Empowered about this pressing matter.

[@gabriellecjt]

According to a University College London consultant psychiatrist I discussed this with, aged 30. 35 absolute maximum. Treatment would be 4-5 sessions of psychoanalytical psychotherapy weekly for 4-5 years. There would be no guarantee of acceptable recovery, with prognosis worsening with age. Treatment would be with a consultant psychiatrist specialising in medical psychotherapy or a highly experienced psychoanalyst with a background in psychotherapy.

[@samvaknin]

@@gabriellecjt European psychologists still inhabit the dark ages when it comes to personality disorders. Psychoanalysis has zero impact not only on NPD, but generally. It is only good to enrich the "therapists" who administer it. This answer you got sheer unsubstantiated nonsense by an ignoramus.

[@austyncox3195]

Do you know much about aphanstasia and narcissism?. I struggle wether he is a true narc.. I see cognitive empathy but I wonder if his narcissistic behaviours are a coping tool for not having a minds eye. I see him struggle but this could be multiple personalities too. One being narcissistic and one the damaged child with no minds eye...

[@samvaknin]

instagram.com/p/B_HZlbaDUE0/?igshid=ucpg5wlf97h6

[@austyncox3195]

@@samvaknin yes ty but what if he is not a narcissist and instead is using narcissist tools to navigate not having a minds eye..

[@jane9469]

Any vids with references to Abraham Maslow?

[@samvaknin]

Next one (FB event).

[@asherrichards9661]

So true - only broken and weak people form relationships with narcissists - sad state of affairs

[@lisarobertshockeybabylon2178]

My vunerable narcissistic partner cheats predominantly sexting and computer, poronography and meet ups with autoerotic sex. He would not care if I cheated with people who are seen to be on par with him high status males if they are a fling and unattainable for a relationship he would not care. If they lived in another country or far away. Or women any women. I am uninterested in women so he tries to push them toward me and high status males I would not be interested in he foists toward me.

[@jamesred8529]

Sam, I know you said you never really do character analysis and stick to research. But would it be possible to give examples of characters that represent covert narcissism? Walter white from breaking bad feels like a covert narcissist that’s constantly degraded that ends up turning into a psychopath.

[@natashasschirmann289]

Could you please give me some advice on how to get your life back after years of narsistic abuse from 3 very close family members who I love dearly. It got so bad that a few months ago I tried to take my life. How do I carry on with out them in my life. Thank you.