NTA for KICKING OUT a CHILD? | AITA REDDIT Wedding Planner REACTS

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NTA for KICKING OUT a CHILD? | AITA REDDIT Wedding Planner REACTS
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[@brittanyb9618]

As the parent of an autistic child, I am HORRIFIED that this mother let her child stay in that position. Autistic meltdowns are caused by being overstimulated, sensory issues, dis-regulation, etc. they happen because the child is struggling. As a parent it is my job to help my child regulate and feel better, and yeah that could mean leaving. Take the cake and take your kid to go get ice cream! Or don’t bring the kid to such a high pressure and overstimulating event. That kid was put in an awful position, and I’d be a little worried about the support (or lack of) that he gets in general. This wasn’t fair for anyone involved, especially the kid.

[@Chelseabee55]

Absolutely! I’m also very much questioning why the child’s parent didn’t bring their child’s safe foods (ice cream is tricky because it will melt but they could have run out to grab some before the reception or used an available freezer). This is their child that they know better than anyone, they should have been prepared

[@luli9364]

Autistic adult here, I was thinking the same thing. If the child doesn't feel drained afterwards and is regulated enough, they could even come back for a while (I've done that). But INSISTING your child should stay at such an overwhelming place in such a painful state, that's more than neglect. That's sacrificing his health just to prove a point

[@angelaricaurte6926]

I also have a child with autism. And am very careful whenever we go out that she is comfortable and okay. Sometimes she is just done and we have to leave early. This makes me so sad for the child.

[@NessyNess182]

100%. I have an autistic nephew 10 yrs old. I love him to bits, and I now know a lot more about autism than I ever did to try to understand what he goes through on a day to day basis. Parents who have autistic children are normally VERY aware of possible issues that can arise when with their children in public. Children living with autism are not "acting out" on purpose. THIS MOTHER KNEW what the risks were, and brought her son into what could potentially a high stress situation for him. She brought him anyway and played ignorant when everything started to go south. Shame on her.

[@calkinsfamily2436]

The mom should have taken him to get ice cream and come back.

[@rachaelf5903]

Agree with everything but the last story. This isn’t a strained relationship, this woman is being emotionally abused by her ex via her adult children. The line had to be be drawn somewhere so I don’t think it’s about the wedding itself. I appreciate the story you mentioned but your situation was the reverse and completely different.

[@LoveableNiki]

Story 1: I think OP was deemed TA because OP was considering still marrying this person.

[@NessyNess182]

Good point.

[@samanthabanya1349]

No OP was deemed NTA (not the a-hole), most of the comments were concerned for OP's situation

[@LoveableNiki]

​@@samanthabanya1349I wasn't referring to the overall judgment. I meant people who were saying TA.

[@hopeguillory7574]

There was an update on the son story that you missed, they talked and she admitted that she thought after they got married the son wouldn't be as big of a part of there life and he would live with his mom and come over once or twice a year for holidays

[@kat12.]

Once or twice a year?? Oh she is an evil stepmom

[@bela516]

He needs to call off the wedding then.

[@jennyonthecoast]

I truly hope he ditched her

[@racheldavin7763]

​@@jennyonthecoastI've read a similar story. If it's the same one, he did.

[@TheVeggiekat]

This exact same story has had three variants on Reddit - this one, one where it was a daughter the bride didn’t want around, and one where it was a son and the groom was the evil step-parent. The last one is the only one that didn’t have an update. The two with updates where the groom was the dad he called it off in both and was judged NTA overwhelmingly. The one where the bride was the parent, that didn’t have an update it was very split on NTA and YTA. All the details were pretty much the same in all three stories but Reddit assumed the mom was marrying to get her fiancé to pay for her kid.

[@ShinbiBelldandy]

I'm the mom of a child with ADHD & Anxiety. The bride was well within her rights to ask them to leave. The mom should have known better than to cause a scene & she was wrong for not fixing the issue or leaving until he was calm. This is why I plan ahead for childcare for long trips or events. Or if bring him, I make sure it's within his medication window & not too close to bedtime.

[@TesriaT]

About the autistic kid - there is a difference between a tantrum and a meltdown, but it's not actually always externally obvious or nearly as cut and dried as was presented here by the later commenters. I'm an autistic adult, and when I'm already under strain (as was mentioned weddings are a lot: noise, lights, uncomfortable clothes, lots of people and movement, routine totally disrupted) something else not being like I expect/breaking that little ritual/routine I'm used to can absolutely tip me over the edge. I think one of the earlier comments said something about the straw breaking the camel's back, and that's the thing. Now, I'm an adult who's learned to recognise when I'm getting to the edge and step back/leave for a while, or ask for help to do so, but that really could have been a meltdown from the child. I'm not comfortable with assuming tantrum because that's an accusation that gets levelled at austic people a lot. Now, that said - the child should have been removed from the stimuli, not allowed near the cake (I'm guessing they grabbed a few slices themselves and acted out in "protest" because they're overwhelmed and angry and stressed out to the point of losing control), and the parents should have apologised and tried to clean up the mess or asked another family member to help out by doing that while they (the parents) took care of the kid. An *hour* is absoutely ridiculous and just making the kid feel worse and worse because the floodgates have opened and the stressors are still affecting them. Even more than that, the parents should have told the couple about any dietary expectations beforehand, and if they couldn't be met they could ask if they could bring some ice cream themselves and use a freezer on site to keep it cool until cake-cutting time. If that wasn't possible, they should have discussed everything with the child beforehand so nothing was a surprise, and come up with a plan for what to do, which might mean something like agreeing to bring a box for the cake and bring their slices home to eat with ice cream later (with proper perparation and framing you might be able to avoid too much of the "but everyone else gets cake" feeling, but overall the solution needs to be tailored to the situation and the specific kid). Instead, the parents made no preparations, no plans for what to do if the kid had issues, probably (I'm assuming this but I feel confident I'm right) not even planning to get the kid somewhere quiet a few times during the day, and with no backup plan for if the kid needed to fully leave early. OP didn't bully this child, their parents did by subjecting them to all kinds of stressors and pain with zero mitigation, zero plan to help them, and when the cake hit the fan (so to speak) they didn't even do anything to actually help them. Not the most literal definition of bullying, but much closer than OP's actions were. This was absolute neglect from the parents *and* they feel entitled for everyone else to suffer the secondary consequences of that neglect too. Absolutely abhorrent behaviour from my perspective and someone does need to talk to those parents about all of this, though I agree with Jamie that OP should just handle the basics around the wedding and the gifts situation rather than diving in to big and potentially dramatic conversations about parenting. But holy crap *someone* needs to help that child by teaching their parents.

[@Squirreltasticqueen]

Yeah it's horribly negligent

[@anaisroger5938]

On the story with the autistic child, where were all the family members who are asking for their gifts back? How come they did not go buy ice cream, or accompany the mom and kid to quiet space to get the kid to quiet down? In all the weddings I have ever attended, parents would always make sure to keep their kids quiet during ceremony to the point of going outside if there is any crying and if they can't because they are part of the ceremony, then the grandparents or an aunt would take care of the kid, same with the reception!

[@SupernaturalLove100]

7:11 I don’t even think she’s “ugly fighting,” bc what are they fighting about? They’re disagreeing and her reason for disagreeing is she does not want his son in their lives to a degree, and she associates the son with the ex. I think she’s got some issues w envy and has a problematic way of thinking which is devoid of logic. He should run unless he wants a life full of more of that behavior. I thought the same abt a mediator or therapist but they can’t erase what was said; if I heard my fiancé tell me to leave my child behind and that not doing so was my hanging onto my “old life” and committing to him while leaving behind the commitment of oh idk being a parent, even if I loved him and thought maybe we could work it out, that would frighten me to whatever else insanity would come out of his mouth down the line which would lead to divorce. That’s a fixed flaw.

[@caityjayde96]

I don't have anything to add to the first two posts because you and the commenters pretty much covered everything I was thinking, but I want to say I don't think the last one was really an ultimatum, I think it was just the last straw for OP and she's fed up with her kids constantly not cating about her needs or her happiness. It's a case of 'if you don't come to my wedding because you're too busy supporting someone who simply can't handle that I'm better off without him, that tells me that you don't care about me or support my happiness and my healthy relationship, and that tells me that whatever relationship we have isn't worth putting time and effort into so I don't see why either of you would deserve my presence at your weddings.' It's not an ultimatum, it's her laying out for her kids that she's done with them not actually caring about her. Could she have worded it better? Possibly, but I don't think it's entirely realistic or reasonable to expect everybody to always know how the exact right way to say something in the moment.

[@allisondavis6543]

I gotta agree with this. This woman was being abused and controlled by her ex. She has every right to say what she said.

[@SupernaturalLove100]

I completely agree. I even thought to myself that OP cannot be as evolved or Buddha-like as other people critiquing her response when it’s clear this was her reaction to years of disrespect. How else could she have even handled that? Her kids honestly sound like little ungrateful sexist shxts, completely not caring for their mother at their grown ages the way sons should. Feels like emotional abuse low key to me. They’re waaaaay too old. If they wanna choose dad, that’s their choice. I also didn’t love the suggesting that she should’ve taught them emotional regulation lol like not every mom is equipped to teach kids that especially a decade plus ago. Maybe she was busy w work, who knows. At this point, it should b just logic to not place your fathers happiness onto your mother who’s his ex that’s insane

[@sarahhuse9709]

The reason I didn't want children at my wedding had more to do with parenting than the kids themselves. I didn't really trust the parents to take kids out of the wedding or in some way redirect or correct behaviors that were disruptive. My friends' kids are all really nice and my friends are overall great parents, but I have observed that they allow their children to behave the same in formal situations like weddings as they would in Chuck E. Cheese. It really depends on the kid, but a lot of kids would be totally bored and uncomfortable if they are asked to not run and yell and go crazy.

[@alyj6398]

Yeah, I agree with this. It's not so much the children who are the problem. Young children are going to act like young children, and that is to be expected. But the parents should also know what what is to be expected for a formal event like a wedding and appropriately take care of their child while also allowing the event to continue with as little disruption as possible. And sometimes you just know that the adults with children that you want to invite are just...not going to do the parenting required for that event.

[@alexnoelle5423]

I think the last one was worded wrong, but I don’t see the response as an ultimatum in general. I think, in her hurt, what she is trying to communicate is that “I am so tired of all of this and being manipulated THROUGH you and your opinions of me. If you continue, our relationship will become irreparable and I will not be able to stay in your lives (including being there for your important moments). This is a final straw for me (not the wedding, but the overall showing of support).” I think she was just trying to get them to see just how serious the damage they were doing to their relationship was, and that they were slowly but surely heading down a path they may not be able to return from. I don’t think the wedding “threat” was an ultimatum but an example to show just how serious she was about how she was being hurt by them and, by extension, her ex.

[@lesleybarklay798]

For the second story, oh my gosh, I feel so sorry for that poor child. My son is autistic, and when he's having a melt down, he can't help it. He can't calm down. I would have taken him to get ice cream as soon as possible, so he could have a quiet, safe spot in private. If he felt better, I might have taken him back, but if not, I would have taken him home, or back to the hotel. I could totally see the icecream being the straw that broke the camel's back. It wasn't about the ice cream, but that was what broke him. That poor child.

[@MusicaFreak23]

For the 2nd one, I totally get the people saying to send the gifts back and not talk to them anymore but then again I come from a really toxic family. Her wedding day was ruined and now she’s the bad guy for just trying to salvage it. For the family to even go nuclear like that and demand gifts back, I’m sorry but that makes them the immature, petty ones. The person who commented that probably had a very similar family dynamic to what I experienced growing up and let me tell you, there is no reasoning with them. Sometimes the only answer is to break contact. That might not be the bride’s family dynamic so maybe they were just projecting but I don’t think it’s fair to imply that people who would respond this way automatically are immature, petty people. We don’t know the backstory for this family but I’m just trying to say some of us weren’t blessed with healthy families so let’s not jump automatically to shaming them. It’s hard enough having a family like that.

[@rachelminer5435]

I have to disagree on the first story. I have heard too many Reddit stories like this where the fiancé was extremely sweet to the kid and showed NO signs of having a problem with them, but then as soon as wedding planning happened, they suddenly get weird about the kid being in the wedding or in this case even at the wedding. In most of these stories where people actually post updates, they will end up admitting that they were hoping the kid would live with the other parent full time or something insane like that. You don’t just accidentally say that the child is his “old family.” That comes from somewhere. I think he would be the ahole if he stayed with her. I have seen this situation play out too many times so I can’t give her any grace.

[@hazeltulip]

Yeah, I’m betting he got YTA for marrying this woman, not because of the situation

[@nicoles2159]

Man, that cake one is difficult. My husband and I each have a child cousin with autism and had no issues, but we also trust that our aunts/uncles would quietly remove the child if something were to happen. For the last one, I'm glad some commenters named what the ex is doing- ABUSE. Extreme jealousy, isolation tactics, etc.

[@hopeguillory7574]

As someone with Autism, who has had an autistic foster daughter, has an autistic godson and multiple other autistic ppl in my life, no you absolutely do not go buy him ice cream. Autism is not an excuse to act that way or to teach a child that tantrums get you what you want. It is not normal for someone with Autism to act that way, we are still able to learn right from wrong, we just have a harder time with it.

[@SupernaturalLove100]

But are those reactions something every autistic person regardless of their kind of autism can control? What if it was a reaction to a sensory issue?

[@meagannesmith2932]

It also depends on the level of mental challenges. We have no way of knowing what condition he was or even his age.

[@klm_shadow]

Unfortunately parents aren’t parenting any kids autism or not. Kids behave wildly and parents just have their nose stuck in their phone.

[@5devinnbruce]

Not having your own child at the wedding....you can dodge this bullet, leave this woman now!!!!

[@shalimarjackson1222]

NTAH I am having a child free wedding for types of issues. As a parent of an autiatic child a wedding is not an appropriate venue if he has sensory or special needs. If not the ice cream it could have been something else. No one at the wedding should have to miss one minute if the wedding to leave and get something to pacify anyone. That's unrealistic and sad. Those who wanted their gifts could have them back. If they know what happend and still want the gifts back there's no reasoning with them.

[@s.a.4358]

Agree on the fact that nobody should be expected to go buy something to pacify the child. I understand Jamie’s take as a wedding planner and kind human, but I don’t think it should be expected. And if anyone went to the shop, it should be the grandma, aunt or any of those who feel it is okay for the child to throw a tantrum in the middle of the dancefloor. The fact that the family is annoyed enough to ask all presents back also indicated to me that they are allowing the autistic child to run wild and do whatever he wants with the excuse of being autistic. Of course we do not know how old the child is - a 2 years old cannot be expected to behave like a 10 year old, for example - but it’s not helpful to the child not to be taught how to behave in social situations, tools to manage his emotions, when it is best to take a moment away, etc.

[@susancook1448]

Give him ice cream as a reward! Autistic or not take the child home! To ruin an expensive once in a lifetime event is tragic. Parents not taking responsibility for their children is why couples no longer invite kids.

[@SD-hs2pk]

In your case it makes sense vs op’s 15 y/o who will be hurt by it

[@SupernaturalLove100]

Agree. I also thought the concept of leaving for ice cream was unrealistic and possibly not even a solution since that may have not been enough either for the child.

[@SupernaturalLove100]

⁠​⁠@@s.a.4358 Can a 10+ year old autistic child b taught how to manage an oncoming meltdown though? I guess it depends on their kind of autism, if it’s manageable or not?

[@francescamarino6565]

I work in a classroom of all autistic children and as much as I love them I just would not invite them or an autistic child to a wedding (depending on needs, regulations, and their triggers). They get sensory overload over a principal making an announcement on the PA system so a wedding with loud microphones, strobe lights, loud music, etc. would only cause them to be overwhelmed, stressed, and confused leading to a meltdown over something small like ice cream. If they can handle a wedding id invite them but if it’s a triggering event then i don’t want to cause a bad situation

[@LoveableNiki]

Story 2: AN HOUR?!?!?! Anna and the kid would have been outta there after 5 minutes. Sidenote: No one is getting anything back unless Anna got something on the cost of the wedding.

[@TheDawn0310]

All I can say about scenario #2 is as the mother of two sons with Autism I would never have allowed either of my sons to throw a tantrum at a wedding much less any gathering. As sad as I would be to leave the celebration I would not have allowed my son to throw a fit without intervening and removing them from the event. Even with autism there is a responsibility the parent needs to take and a disability doesn’t mean a child gets to run wild, so to speak.

[@Yaya-iu3uy]

AITA reddit forums truly makes me feel blessed because my goodness... i could NEVER imagine my family moving like this.

[@DangGoodLuis]

Once you give something to someone, it is theirs to keep. It is their property. Returning gifts is not a thing. If you give them under the condition that they have to give them back if they do something to anger you, then it isn’t a gift.

[@vanessapyo7331]

The story about the child with autism irked me. My brother is fairly high on the autism spectrum and my mother would’ve never allowed him to continue in front of everyone. I’ve been around special needs children all of my life (working at a special needs summer camp, helping my brother with special Olympics, and being around my brother’s friends); I know meltdowns will happen. But to allow the tantrum to continue in the middle of a wedding is absolutely not okay. When a tantrum happens, you remove the child and ride it out elsewhere. There were many many times we had to leave early from vacations, theme parks, etc., to deal with this in private. It’s a shame that this incident was a wedge between family members.

[@MaryBethPetra]

I guess I was lucky. My wedding was at a Catholic church and they had a glass enclosed cry room at the back of the church where the moms with babies and children sat. That way everyone was happy...families could come to the wedding and the ceremony was quiet.

[@dardar102697]

My childhood church had a room like this too! For the longest time I didn’t even realize what it was for the longest time because it was that effective haha!

[@leilasmila]

What I love about your AITA reaction videos is that I come for the "how to deal with problems that might arise at my wedding" but I stay for the genuine good advice for life, (future) parenting, and relationship communication! ❤

[@jaz9915]

6:55 I think that fighting ugly is showing your true colors. Maybe you say things you "don't mean" (which I honestly find hard to believe) but even if the intent is simply to hurt the other person, that's very telling of who you are and how the relationship would be in the future. Maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but I don't think you should get married if you cant control your anger in an argument. 🤷‍♀️

[@gracieliann7341]

I showed my mom your videos the other day… “wow! You sound just like her!” Best compliment EVER

[@christinahelms1514]

As a mom of an autistic child, if that had been my child the minute the meltdown started I would have removed him from the area until he calmed down. I would have never let it go on and refuse to leave. Weddings are over stimulating for a lot of neuro typical people much less someone who is autistic.

[@medorakea7327]

as an autistic adult, this was more than anything an issue of bad parenting. the parent clearly wanted to be there, hence refusing to leave. they didn’t care to know or implement any sort of calming things to help the kid into a less stimulating environment. also thank you so much for having a basic understanding of autism & communicating about it publicly in a way that is actually accurate & compassionate. too many autistic people have literally been murdered by parents and / or police, and this is the type of communication that helps shift public perception to make the world safer for autistic people.

[@Chel.C.B]

So impressed by your emotional maturity. The long form videos are great. Thanks for what you do!

[@EYTSIRHC1]

At my parents’ wedding, a flower girl barfed on Mom’s wedding dress. I’m spending too much money to have crying babies and kids throwing tantrums and ruining stuff. Weddings are boring anyway. Enjoy the break from your kids and have your adult time.

[@kalleywaller6954]

I found your perspectives on these situations to be incredibly refreshing, informed, and relationship-preserving!!! Thank you!

[@favoritevids8869]

That poor boy. If anyone was the A hole in this situation it would be the parent. While I don’t have an autistic child, I do have one with adhd. We were invited to a neighbors wedding (the groom was friends with my partner since preschool) and we asked about bringing our then 6 year old son. They said it was fine as there were many children attending (italian wedding) and the groom and our son are close friends. Despite that, we decided to go in separate cars so that I could leave with him if it got too much for him (excitement makes him go over the top). In the end we didn’t need to, there were kid placemats and crayons at all tables, and the “sitting still and being quiet” part of the event was kept in short intervals between dancing and music. The kids could run around and be kids and it was enjoyable for all. We still left a little early to end it on a good note for him. My point is that there should have been plans in place from the parents on how to deal with this. I doubt this was the first time this happened. Just saying “it’s a melt down oh well” is not cutting it.

[@ESPdigiartist]

Speaking as a high functioning autistic person, my parents would have been yanking me out of there or gotten the ice cream or both, in that situation. That would have never happened, what was going on with that mom that she let that go on? Putting that kid in that situation where they were being continuously that stressed was most likely cruel to the kid. Why were they not getting the kid somewhere to calm down, and deal with the sensory overload.

[@angelinacave6576]

My brother has autism and had a meltdown on my wedding but no one except 5 people knew- my mom, my dad, aunt, my brother and me. I only knew cuz I know my brother and spotted the meltdown coming on his face, but my family worked it out to take him back to the hotel.

[@BukeyBoy]

Weddings are really such a touchy subject! People get really intense and emotional about them. This is crazy. The first story has me heated. And the family in the second story is being so petty. So embarrassing.

[@LoveableNiki]

Story 3: NTA. What did y'all want OP to do??? The kids are TAs. They took Father's side with no information. Blood does not mean OP has to bend to the kids' will forever. Some relationships, even family, cannot be savaged. I don't think OP was using her wedding as a bargaining chip. OP was tired and placing her boundaries. I find that it is difficult for people to see other people's side when it pertains to family relations.

[@crawdaddy2004]

Story 1: My spouse and I are child free. She loves kids (despite not wanting them herself), and I like kids that I get to know. That said, if there was a “child free” wedding, but there were kids there… who were the bride and/or groom’s kids, I wouldn’t bat an eye.

[@Mr.And.Mrs.Wedding]

1. I agree with you because he’s your SON! If my fiancé said this I’d be calling off the wedding! Also it’s not like he’s little where someone would have to watch him, he’s old enough to DRIVE! 2. NTA, autism is NOT an excuse! The mother should have been a mother and taken the kid out during the tantrum! And he messed up the wedding so definitely NTA. That’s not bullying when the mother refused to be a mother 3. I don’t think you said have said that but I agree with your feelings. I believe your ex has abused them into believing what he says. I get you wanted to be a good mom and not tell them about there dad but they were teens so they were old enough to know the truth about what he was doing to you. It’s not bad mouthing him if it’s the truth.

[@Chelseabee55]

More planning was needed by the autistic child’s parents. I’m sure they had a menu ahead of time. I’m sure they know their child’s safe foods? We have autistic children who are going to be in attendance at our wedding, they’ll be offered the same children’s meal as everyone else, but their mother will also be bringing all their safe foods so we know everyone will be comfortable

[@infusionhealth1166]

In the first one when you fight like that it’s a element of what is going on in their mind.

[@SD-hs2pk]

Last one was so sad, the kids will probably see who the dad is eventually.

[@jamiehelms6894]

I love your videos! My boyfriend & I have been talking about getting engaged and find your channel so fun and helpful! Can’t wait to use the MasterPlan!!!

[@brealysia95]

I changed my mind a couple of times. At first it was all ages, then changed to adults only with the exception of my daughter and his younger brother. Now, it’s ages 12 and up. My reasoning might make me an AH but I think I did a good balance of children and adults being able to have fun Edit: my reason is that my fiancé and I both have family members with 5 to 7 children each and we have limited space and wanted to invite other people.

[@SpellFinder]

I will say that weddings can go well with children. My best friend had children at her wedding. People stepped out when their small baby was crying during the ceremony without being prompted. And during the reception there was an area to the side that had kid friendly activities. I was the maid of honor and have autism. I don’t enjoy crowds so I found myself spending most of the night with the kids. which also let the parents comfortably relax and party knowing their kids were safe and being watched. If you have kids in your life taking their comfort into consideration can create fun wedding for all ages.

[@mp8129]

Reading some of the comments my hair are standing up! How selfish, snobbish & egoistic society we have! If someone doesn’t like kids then why even invite people who have kids to their wedding/or any party? If you don’t want your ceremony to get ruined do it by yourself only. If there’s anyone disabled (it doesn’t have to be only kids, adults are disabled too!) then their parents or caregivers should have some common sense and intervene on time unless they are snobbish and selfish, then it’s the society problem, not the kids or disabled people who need someone to redirect their behaviors.

[@Kmarie77]

The Groom’s son is his family. Also, I wish people would stop using the term “ultimatum.” It’s a boundary, not an ultimatum. I’d give the bride the boot. How selfish.

[@SupernaturalLove100]

2:02 “they are your babySITTERS” 💀

[@Sara-vn2kz]

I invited family friends to my wedding. Mom and daughter. Daughter was in her late 20s and has severe autism. Verbal skills are limited. She knows me well. We met as 5-ish year-olds, and I have always enjoyed seeing her at community functions. We go out of our way to say hello to each other every time. I wanted her at my wedding, and I know that the new environment and noise and other stimuli could be difficult. I told her mother to dress her in whatever was comfortable. I gave them a schedule of what to expect at the wedding, and made sure mom knew that they can leave whenever they need to, but I would be so happy to see them at my wedding even for a few minutes. I also intentionally chose soft dinner music to play for the first hour, while people visited with each other and ate dinner. Other guests didn't like that they had to wait for the dance music, but that doesn't matter. I knew why I chose the gentler music, and my friend's mom knew. My friend's needs were met enough that she could stay until dinner was over. When you know that a guest has specific needs, it's only polite to adjust where possible.

[@ZanyaZalkran]

The last story, I don't agree with you. I feel like the the wedding was the straw that broke the camel's back. She explained everything to them and they still support their dad. She held off her own life for 11 years for her kids and an Ex who was not kind to her. She put them in therapy and that still didn't work. Seems like she did everything she could have and they are still choosing their dad.

[@CaseyMs23]

As an autistic adult (37f), i can only imagine how that poor baby felt. I struggle with even leaving my house tbh. I'd i know i have to it takes me hours sometimes days to prepare myself to be around that much stimulation. So grateful my parents were understanding and spent literal years preparing me to function "better" in the real world. I can't imagine being left/forced to feel that way for that long

[@jenmarie115]

The last story makes me really sad. I have a family member who had a bad divorce and made some admittedly bad choices at the time. But years later his now grown adult kids treat him with such disrespect that he doesn’t deserve in siding with their mom more than 10 years after their divorce. It’s heartbreaking and no one wins.

[@bela516]

If you’re inviting kids and you know some of them are diagnosed with autism etc- maybe have a quiet room somewhere in the venue so they can decompress, maybe have a comfy chair, etc?

[@madeleinehoward-frank1025]

The last one it really sounds like the kids are being used by the ex to control the OP.

[@saintXbernardXloverX]

We intended a child free wedding because we had a “green” wedding if you know what I mean. We put 21 and over on the invitation. As the event got closer circumstances kept coming up and we ended up adding all my husbands nieces and nephews as guests. They were the life of the party and it was great. I often wonder if other guests with children were maybe bitter about that but I’m not sure because no one said anything. That’s just my personal story.

[@Zil_Senczy]

When you come for the entertainment but get hit with real talk like advice. Love you so much Jamie ❤❤❤. Keep sharing messages of how to be healthy emotionally and how to communicate. You are such a great advice giver and people need to hear your real talk!

[@lexie9109]

As someone who got married a few years ago, while my wedding certainly had issues these videos make me glad for not having some of the drama for ones you read. They give me a distraction from reality and a stronger appreciation for what i have.

[@notsarahfrench]

WOW I am early! Jamie, love your videos!! 💘

[@redheadreviews8001]

I completely disagree on the Ice Cream thing. I would have said “Either you discipline your kid or get him out. I don’t care if he’s autistic.” I’ve worked with and met autistic kids who are MUCH less functional than him who could understand the words “Stop doing that.”. We don’t even know if getting him ice cream would have calmed him down. It might have made it worse or just not solved anything at all. That mom could have gotten the ice cream herself if she was that concerned. Nuhu. NTAH at all.

[@marymacdonald805]

Meltdown: Set up a time to meet each family if possible. Bring their unwrapped gift if possible. When it is your time to speak, explain how you felt. How important your wedding gift day was and how concerned that the cousin was not helping her child calm down and collect himself. Mail other gifts and set up zoom meetings for out of town family requesting their gifts back. Your wedding is not about gifts but celebrating g the begging of you amazing life together and the blending of you beloved families. In reality those gifts will only server as reminders of the pain of the discourse. Love and grace will only serve to fill everyone with peace and that good old warm fuzzy feelings!.

[@dolleeshay9831]

ENJOYING THE LONG FORMAT OF THESE! very heavily lol. podcast?

[@ryntintynvin]

She 100% has a nefarious plan. Saying “that’s your old family” isn’t ugly fighting, that’s such a weird sentiment, I think it’s her true feelings. If she said, “he’s so annoying! He’s a brat!” Or something like that, maybe that’s ugly fighting, but saying what she said sounds to me like true colors showing.

[@coopie624]

Seriously?!?! RED FLAG!!! He should cancel the wedding, end the relationship and walk away with thanksgiving for dodging that bullet. She is totally out of line and, imo, a relationship that needs PRE-marital counseling is doomed.

[@Sokolva]

When I was first planning my wedding, it was suggested I think by my mom that I could consider child free, because we'd just attended a large family wedding and a few of the kids in the family were very disruptive. Young kids, not their fault, mostly an issue of the parents not collecting their kids during the ceremony and stepping out quietly when needed when kid continually talked and yelled during the special moments. Also, I think some of the kids were running around in the aisle during the ceremony, and the parents, who were young and inexperienced, weren't stopping it. We knew that these same parents and kids would be attending my wedding right after and were worried about the risk. I personally love kids, and want them to be included, but was open to either suggestion. As a kid, I stayed home from plenty of weddings either baby sitting my sisters or with a baby sitter, and I never really cared. Weddings can be a lot for kids, and exhausting when you are young, and it can put parents in the position to have to be wrangling them if the kids have trouble sitting still for long events. Then the pandemic moved by wedding back indefinitely, and by the time we finally picked a date, it was uncertain how many people would even be able to come, and we had to decide what we wanted to do. I opted to have children included if they wished to be when things opened up a bit briefly in the summer during the pandemic, with people saying the "pandemic was lessening" only of course for delta to hit right around that time and many guests to cancel because of it. We couldn't cancel the wedding without losing all of our deposits, and I had lost a lot of family members to old age and sickness, while others were very old and wanted to attend this wedding very deeply. We had it, and did safety measures, having it outside, with wristbands color coded to what kind of interactions that person felt comfortable with, masks allowed of course, etc etc. It was amazing, a few kids did come, and even the same kids that caused the disruption, but by this time they were quite a bit older by a few years and the parents were more vigilant about their children, so it wasn't a problem. I was really glad to have the kids there, and it ended up being a really fun ceremony, with a much larger attendence than I had even hoped for due to the pandemic. My husband and I were so extremely happy to get to celebrate this time together with our families, and the kids definitely contributed to that and were wonderful to see. That said, I completely understood my mom (who loves kids but was worried about wedding disruptions) and others choosing to have an adult only wedding. If I was a mom and for some reason couldn't get a baby sitter I trusted or another family member, I would simply excuse myself from the wedding, but this would be very extreme, as it shouldn't be impossible for most kids to be watched by a caretaker while the wedding is going on. Interestingly, while a lot of parents chose to bring their kids, there were many more who left them at home just to enjoy the night or even because they asked their kids and the kids didn't want to come to a wedding, as it sounded boring to them, which is totally fair. That said, for the first story, I would be genuinely surprised for a 15 year old son (or a child of just about any age) to not be invited to their parent's own wedding. They are a huge part of the new family unit that is being formed between the two adults--an essential part, and a sacred part of the ceremony. They are one of the most important family members to include in some way, regardless of age, but especially being old enough at 15 for these things to really matter and be truly impactful. Just imagine the hurt of a 15 year old to know their new mother is asking for them not to be included because they are part of the "old" family, and for their father to not stand up for their attendence? It sets a horrible tone to the beginning of this family, and shouldn't be allowed to happen. Just my thoughts on it, as someone whose first job was babysitting for these kinds of events and many more!

[@karolineCPH]

I recently went to a wedding with children, and the behaviour of the parents just baffled me. Two toddlers started screaming during the ceremony, and the mom and dad just sat there like nothing was going on. Then at the dinner, two other kids were both playing with iPads that were incredibly loud, making it really hard to hear people's speeches. What's wrong with these parents??! Take your screaming child outside. Turn off the sound on the iPads when speeches are made.

[@savannahmae3679]

Why are we not talking about the fact that the kids gave their mother an ultimatum. I mean, by her own responses, it seems like this is her wit's end and the kids aren't listening to her and sometimes you have to cut off relationships because they aren't healthy. The kids seem to want to continue their abusive relationship with their father.And as we all know, you can't help abuse victims until they want to get help. And by abuse, I mean emotional abuse, because there's no reason a grown a** man should be this emotionally effective when this x starts dating another person. I don't think the mother should have ever hidden.The fact I think she should've sat down on her children and explained to and that she is not responsible for her exs feelings

[@btsarmyforever3816]

I would agree the fiancee is NTA if she pitched a fight abt him getting his ex-wife to the wedding. But that's his kid come on!! As for her kicking the son out at 18...isn't it weird to live in a house with your husband with such an older son?? Don't usually 18yr olds leave the family home at that age? He is also her step son. It's gonna get awkward at some point unless it's a big house. They are newly weds, he isn't her bio son, and he is in his teen years, they need to settle into a new routine due to marriage...Idk this situation seems weird. Unless it's a big house then no. Also by kicking out like do they mean never allowing him to visit? That's terrible. Second story: Why was an Autistic child allowed in the wedding? A lot of them have panic attacks and tantrums in new environment especially in the middle of a big crowd lots of music and more. I would say kids or adults on the spectrum to not be allowed in weddings. Very small kids and autistic kids can find it very difficult. It's practically abuse. They need a place with less crowd and silence. It helps keep them calm and happy.

[@Sokolva]

I have my own small story on why wedding coordinators are so amazing: my husbands mother is elderly, as she had him when she was very old, and she takes a lot of medication for various chronic serious illnesses. Unfortunately she sometimes abuses these medications in stressful situations, such as saving up a bunch of pain and other meds and taking them all at once. She chose to do this on the day of our wedding, and was so out of it, rude, and strange, that my entire family didn’t know how to handle her when she was getting ready with us during the makeup and hair prep. She insisting on getting done first, constantly kept saying I didn’t look good (I was the bride and in the middle of getting ready) and would fall asleep mid sentence in her chair. At one point she stepped outside to go smoke a cigarette I assumed, as she is a heavy smoker, only to somehow break into my husband and my room while he was trying to get ready. She ended up disappearing with some friends and missed the shuttle that was to take the wedding party over to the venue early. She didn’t answer her phone. My wedding planner and coordinator was amazing, stepping up to find her and somehow manage to coordinate getting her a ride to the venue so she didn’t miss our wedding. She was supposed to walk down the aisle with my husband but for some reason refused and wanted to walk with her sister, who wasn’t in the wedding party, but we just allowed it and replanned around whatever weird thing she wanted, moving on. With the sister and the wedding planner managing her, things went so much smoother and I didn’t have to worry about her as much as usual (we care for her at our house, so we are used to her ornery and difficult side, especially when she is irresponsible with meds). We had a wonderful day and I was so grateful for the help!

[@moriahjade]

Mom of a five year old autistic boy here! One thing I can say is just “give the child some ice cream” is highly dependent upon the situation and the child. Autistic children can be bratty and have tantrums just like any other child but more intense tantrums due to emotional instability. Ice cream is not a need, it’s a want. NOW tantrums and meltdowns are VERY different. The child could have indeed been having a meltdown and not a tantrum but it’s up to the parents to learn to decipher what is a melt down and what is a tantrum. Either way, I would’ve gotten myself and my child out of there and then later apologized/talked it out with the bride and groom. Letting your child have a tantrum or a valid meltdown for an hour is absolutely foolish. It’s shouldn’t have ever gotten to the point that someone should have had to ask you or tell you to leave! I’m an AUDHDer myself… I even would’ve left if I felt a meltdown coming on.

[@Elphaboy]

I wonder if the mother of the child on the spectrum is in denial about it. My partner is on the spectrum and growing up he really had to work through it himself. His parents coping mechanism is to pretend it’s not happening and there’s an aunt in the family with a son way more severely on the spectrum and she’s in complete denial! This is a grown man who can’t keep a job, maintain a relationship of almost any kind and when other aunts have quietly spoken to her about it she doesn’t seem to know wut they’re talking about 🙄🙄🙄 I feel bad for him really because he’s had literally no help in this department for his entire life. And his mom is almost standing in front of any help he could get because it’ll mean everyone was right and I guess it’ll make her feel like a bad mom I have no idea what’s happening in her head but he’s suffering for it.

[@1lazu]

I think you're being overly gracious in story 1. The fiancées sole sticking point was the son. Once the true motive became clear, OP would be betraying their child to knowingly unite with someone who wants to cut a child out. It was never about children in general where OP agreed, the motive was always about excluding OP"s son.

[@cheerfulsatanist]

Normally I don't need two comments however this occurred to me it's a genuine possibility that the age cutoff that was chosen by the bride at 16, we specifically determined as a means of ensuring that the kid would not be able to attend. Babysitters at a ceremony or the reception.... Yeah younger kids are definitely going to be a handful obviously, however the next group that would probably require the most supervision with typically be late teens, especially when you've decided that their god-given mission during this wedding is to do whatever you want to be possible to try and score alcohol. Especially if a lot of the vendors are under the impression that the wedding is child free, if there is any misunderstanding about the degree to how child free it is I see plenty of instances before where teenagers have managed to score booze because it was initially a foregone conclusion that everybody was over the age of 21. Because other than that 16 is just a weird choice. Most rational people would just say 18 or hell if there's going to be another bar or something a vendor would usually suggest to make things easier security wise 21 you need to cut off, 6 TV Nickelodeon almost makes more problems than it solves.

[@samday414]

Even if they had got ice cream for the child the meltdown would have continued. It wasn’t about the ice cream, that was just the thing that they latched on to because they were unable to express their emotions about being overstimulated.

[@katewebber1131]

I had child free wedding, but there wasn't any kids anyway. A small but classy wedding. Hate it when its getting late, speeches over and people just dancing and chatting, then kids start running round zooming all over the place, HATE IT

[@cheerfulsatanist]

The first poster... Has op considered putting up some maybe in-house security cameras to see if maybe his future bride is planning on turning his 15 year old son into a scullery maid after the wedding?? When she comes downstairs does thunder boom and lightning suddenly flash while she stares at you with piercing terrifying eyes leaving you standing in your own urine when she hasn't said a word? Does she have a pet cat that is without question sentient, probably smarter than you and most definitely secretly planning to poison you? Because based on his post and all the things she allegedly said and did it would appear that somehow this man has managed to become engaged to the evil cartoon stepmother from Cinderella.... Which is so impossible it's almost impressive.... I'm not sure what other advice to possibly give except you're not eat or drink anything she prepares for you and if you begin to see cartoon of rodents wearing random human clothing, it's probably time to see a divorce attorney... He should also probably take some time to sneak in her purse and phone and look for any government ID just to confirm whether or not her first name is in fact "Wicked"

[@joellaogilvie2744]

The last story should have been handled years ago by having a conversation with your ex husband to act like a grown up and stop using the kids to try to control you.

[@shannoncargill9958]

Love the longer format

[@joellaogilvie2744]

The autistic child should not have come to the wedding. The mother should have known that this environment would be too much for her child.

[@shellyrose8898]

I know this video is old, but i still want to comment on #3. First, i love your wisdom and compassion, but i don't think you have ever been in a situation like this. Unfortunately, you can't reason with unreasonable people. Sometimes, in order to salvage your own self-worth and be the person you are meant to be, you have to cut out toxic people. Trust me, from experience, the way her kids are treating her affects every aspect of her life and happiness. This is not about a day. Her ultimatum was an extreme attempt to get them to see the magnitude of their disrespect and how they hurt her. Sadly, i doubt that it worked.

[@feelosophy1921]

His child is definitely an expected attendee and should have a plus one or two if he is hoping his child stays for some of the reception. It is unfair to expect him to have no one but the otherwise occupied groom and older family members to interact with all night. Honestly, I would hope he'd be standing right beside Dad during the ceremony. JS

[@PartsUnknownn]

You have twin 14 year olds !?!?!? Girl you must have had them at 10 years old cause you don’t look older than 25 !!!

[@celiaeven878]

I'm not a parent, but I have a biiiiig family and everytime a kid throws a tantrum (for valid reasons or not), the parents start by exiting the main stage/situation/area so that they don't ruin things, or just to deal with it in a private setting as to not humiliate the child (and possibly themselves). Just find a quiet space, exit the room/place, go outside… That should be step one and I don't get how it isn't an automatic response. (I get that picking up a child who refuses to leave is not easy, but at some point the child is hurting and removing him/her from the situation seems like a good place to start)

[@duqial]

As a kid I think I only have been to no alcoholic weddings. My parents still went to weddings, but it was normal for them to leave us at home. Also the weddings we went to were family weddings, so it wasn't a problem if they didn't pay attention to us the whole time, because other family members were with us like a grandma/aunt. So I think these are the best conditions to take children to weddings and I would expect people to do so as wedding guests. It is ridiculous tho to call a 15 olds kids...

[@joellaogilvie2744]

The first story the groom needs to run and drop her. If she can’t understand how important your son is she never will.

[@blinkspacestudio8892]

I have no problem having kids at the wedding. I think it's a good even for them to experience. Plus it's a family event they should be together ❤️

[@QueenBCheese]

LOVE THESE VIDEOES!!!! Keep spilling the tea Jamie😂🤪😂

[@kendrastevenson5423]

Hey Jamie! There are a couple options for rulings you may not have seen AH - you are in the wrong NTA - other person is in the wrong NAH - no one is in the wrong ESH - everyone sucks here

[@toxic.forest]

That poor mom in the last story... thats so sad. Her kids are not supposed to pick sides.

[@Burley6969]

Just saying I'm really grateful everyone seems to be on the same page with story 2. I feel so bad for that kid and I wish I could have been a fly on the wall to see what all these other relatives were doing to turn around and demand gifts back

[@user-zo2yl6bg6k]

Am I weird n thinking that the child/ children would be automatically added to the wedding some how?

[@DERTHIX]

I'm doing 16 or over when I get married. Can't stand kids.

[@1lazu]

Also really enjoyed this long format video. Brava 🎉

[@MAJORQUEENBITCH101]

1st story she wanted him to abandon his son. 2nd story if he’s acting like this then his mother should have taken him away.

[@elizabethdarroch3000]

What worries me about the last one is what if the dad is the reason the sons think that way maybe he drilled it into them as children and now as adults they think thats normal to blame someone for someone elses misery their mentality is so wrong

[@positivelypurposeful8522]

Love the longer form video!!

[@crawdaddy2004]

6:07 16 being the cutoff is NOT a coincidence.

[@singsong6692]

Such a good video!!👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

[@meaganbennett9269]

Love the long videos!

[@jillianscott5965]

I always love the longer videos!

[@kimmyk3640]

I love 2024 Jamie!!