What is Good Therapy?

Good therapy isn't magic--certain things need to happen in order for our brain to change. If you can be aware of what those things are, and actively try to engage them during therapy, you are more likely to have a positive experience.
Many of my clients end up coming to me because they feel their previous therapists didn't give them enough guidance. Hopefully this video can serve as that guidance and coach you on where and how to place your focus in order to achieve the deepest change. (These recommendation are particularly well-suited if you are engaging in more experiential or healing focused therapy (versus skill-building focused forms of therapy).
If you are in therapy, or thinking about therapy, watch this video! I truly hope it will speed along your process of change by helping you to find a good therapist, to go deeper in psychotherapy and ultimately help you most effectively utilize your therapy hour.

[@rosathomas3574]

That last point about the difference between “I am dumb” and “it’s important that I persuade myself that I’m dumb” is so important because I can imagine if you work on the former with disconfirming information (evidence you’re not dumb), your protective part that actually believes the second statement could just feel even more threatened and dig its heels in. This has made me wonder why sometimes the more people say to me to be gentle and it’s ok to not push myself all the time, the more threatened I feel and the more I think I need to push myself. It’s not addressing something underneath.

[@frederikroark]

1. Identify a Clear Point of Focus (something that's causing suffering) 2. Think of a Concrete Moment Where that Pattern Played Out and Revist it in Imagination 3. Explore What Your Brain Believes in that Moment (Using Mindful Internal Listening) 4. Put the Belief into a Statement 5. Revisit Statement Every Day for a Week or Two (Or Whenever Trigger Happens) 6. Introduce New Information

[@DrToriOlds]

You got it!!! I should probably use this list in future teaching!! ;)

[@Ciskuss]

​@@DrToriOldscan you a make a meditation on memory Reconsolidation integrating the Focusing technique?

[@Apachetribesman-we7jv]

All my family has past away so I wrote them a letter letting them know the pain I had to live through. And told them I forgive them an love and miss them . I even made them a belated Christmas card letting the know how much I miss them. And I going to make them a card every Christmas I am alive . Cause they now live in my heart the safest place I know because of you.

[@cbligerman]

❤

[@amandacarter-blackford8191]

Just love this woman she explains everything so brilliantly.

[@DrToriOlds]

Wow, thanks so much for saying so, Amanda!! Made my day! ;)

[@HappyTater]

You are such a wonderful teacher. I’ve been learning a lot including some ideas that I can take back to my therapist that I think will improve our work together. We haven’t been working on implicit memory which I think has been causing me severe distress lately. You’ve also explained parts / IFS work in a way that I just couldn’t get from No Bad Parts and Self-Therapy. Thinking of parts as implicit memory makes so much sense to me. Plus you’ve laid out concrete action steps on how to change these memories both in therapy and on my own day to day. I love theory but I need direction on what I can DO about it and you’ve provided that in a very clear way. Thank you so much for making these videos! 💛

[@ranicalerp7765]

"I must convince you that you're dumb or something bad will happen." That hit me hard! Thank you for those words!

[@DrToriOlds]

Oh, I'm so glad!! I love those moments where words sort of 'click' with something inside!! Delighted to be of help ;)

[@allyson--]

27:15 is where that segment is brought up

[@Overarainbow-rr1ly]

Exactly 💯. Me too

[@rob1972-b5d]

Surprised this video doesn't have more likes and views. Very good information in my opinion.

[@DrToriOlds]

I appreciate that! Thanks for saying so :)

[@raluca2213]

This really helped me understand my therapy process and I can’t thank you enough for doing this!!

[@andrieahjohnson6171]

This series has been wonderful!! As a therapist, this was so helpful!

[@DrToriOlds]

Thanks so much for letting me know, Andrieah!! I really glad they have been helpful, particularly if you are a therapist!! Most of my stuff particularly made for therapists is on my website (www.toriolds.com), but I was thinking/hoping that some of these ideas would be interesting to therapists also...

[@halfmoonyogi4997]

I'm studying art therapy and as both an artist, as a client myself and as a clinician, I can see how the art process could be so helpful with this approach, to bring up unconscious/ limiting beliefs! Brilliant!

[@DrToriOlds]

Yes!! I totally agree!! I really appreciate all sorts of 'experiential' forms of therapy for this very reason!! So many rich ways to get at the deeper mind and invite its 'knowing' into the room...

[@Jacob011]

Wonderful recommendations and summary. I'm going through IFS therapy right now (1 session per week). I'd like therapists/trainers to become mindful of the fact that more often then not people aren't just ready and able to do experiential therapy. This is often tacitly and frustratingly assumed as given by every therapeutic modality I've heard of. I know for a fact that my skill at doing IFS has improved over time, but only thanks to vipassana meditation that I do to complement it (and for other personal reasons as well). Of course a lot it has to do with me learning to discover my deep seated shame and the effects it has on me while engaged in the process of therapy. For example, before starting the IFS sessions I read a book about it. During one session therapist asked "how do you feel towards that part now?", I hesitated, got stuck, didn't know, drew a blank, because unconsciously I have assumed that by this point in the IFS process I *should* feel certain way. I thought that by expressing "I don't feel anything" I would get punished by the therapist. It felt as if I was supposed to admit a mischievous act. I felt shame and was beating myself up for not feeling the way the process was described in the book. This was really blocking my sessions and it only became better after I've realized I'm not *supposed* to feel anyhow and it's OK to just say it. Therapist didn't explicitly help me with this, it was my secondary realization because we were hitting upon a shamed part in the sessions.

[@allyson--]

23:50 "I don't know" is a point of entry & exploration -- that was such a helpful point to make

[@andreagutfleisch2114]

I have no words how your work is clicking with me. I take in a Video a day like after a long thirst. Some Childhood traumas I can work on, even though some I cant get cracked like the one' I am not enough' 'fear of making mistakes', 'afraid to show myself'. Wish I could find an Isf Therapist. But here in Germany its very difficult. Long waiting lists and there are just 3 or 4. Are there Therapists in USA I could contact. Or work with you 😊? I want finally and now live my life and rise and shine. With 63 its time for me🙏 Thank you with all my heart. Your presence, the mind and heart behind the words is amazing. Lots of love 🙏💜

[@rhondam1273]

Your videos are brilliant and your delivery is even better. Very relatable and content is excellent.

[@DrToriOlds]

Wow, thank you! I really appreciate this nice comment, Rhonda! :)

[@sarah28886]

Thanks so much for your wonderful videos Tori. I’m in therapy and your videos are so helpful as reminders to keep working and to trust that healing is possible. I’m so grateful, thank you.

[@DrToriOlds]

Oh, I'm so glad to hear that!! I do hope that you get what you need out of therapy...and just really continue the journey using whatever tools, relationships, understanding, moments with yourself, etc., that you can find. Therapy is an important one, though...good luck...

[@jeffmallory3907]

really excellent and useful talk! I appreciate the running examples and applications you use.Thank you. Boundaries, internal and external, don't seem to be much discussed in IFS videos I've listened to so far. They're really the front line mindful troops and I'm surprised they aren't part of the IFS toolkit/fundamentals.

[@darinsmith2458]

I am really glad that I listened to this video. I have had many therapists and I have asked myself what I want out of seeing a therapist and that question has changed with the different therapists. Currently I felt I got to intimate with my therapist too fast but I also had a couple of physical therapist that I felt like I said too much stuff on my first appointment as well.

[@darinsmith2458]

Apparently I already watched this video. I think what I need to address with my Therapist tomorrow during our appointment is that I don't feel safe when she comes to the appointment late. I can feel the energy. The late/rushed energy. My guess is that whatever part that is protecting will shut all my other part down. I don't know if this is helpful or not.

[@davidsutton1038]

Just wonderful Tori! Thank you so much and please post more. Let’s go deeper.

[@daviddppreschel1107]

This is such a fantastic video. I wish every therapist would watch this.

[@Apachetribesman-we7jv]

I was blind and and did not care to see the merrid of trama I went through my whole life. I slept for a few hours last night and I woke up not battling the monsters in my mind .the peace I felt when I opened my eyes was at first I thought I was dead . But realized how wounder that experience was I am greatful for you and all your hard work and time making easy to follow interesting successful approach to healing wounds I didn't know I had

[@adambarnard5561]

Your videos are absolutely incredible and so well-presented - and the grace, warmth, and sincerity that you bring makes me feel so at home watching them. Thank you for all your wonderful work. People like you truly make the world a better place. ❤

[@jyotibablani7648]

Thank you so much for this. Loved the whole series.

[@DrToriOlds]

Glad you enjoyed it! And thanks for the kind comment! I truly appreciate it ;)

[@morpheus6972]

Hi Dr Tori! I have just been watching your transformation series on KZbin, and wanted to express my appreciation to you for creating it! Your explanation of memory reconsolidation is just excellent, and extremely helpful to me (and many others I am sure) ! Thanks for being so generous and shining your light so brightly! Martin

[@DrToriOlds]

You are so welcome! And thanks for leaving the kind comment! I truly appreciate it :)

[@Amanda-kf6do]

I’ve already recommended your channel to a few people because I appreciate your message so much :) I’m slowly making my way through this series and taking notes. Thank you for your work!!

[@DrToriOlds]

Thanks so much Amanda!! I really appreciate it! And thanks for letting me know about how you are starting to apply these ideas to your own growth work (in the other video comments). It's great to hear that these ideas are helping!! ;)

[@lawrencejohnston5492]

Thanks for the explanation. I am a little thick headed so your videos save my therapist a lot of frustration.

[@Apachetribesman-we7jv]

You helped me move something that was crushing me . I feel so light I thank you you saving my life

[@robin-personal2039]

You are brilliant. I have been helping people through their divorces for many years as a mediator and lawyer. I am always on the search for an excellent therapist for clients who need that type of assistance while they are going through a divorce (most of them). I will be referring them to your channel. I have no therapists in my area that I recommend. I have tried five of them over the years as a result of my two divorces, some difficult family situations, and a general desire to understand myself better and grow stronger emotionally. If any of my therapists had known and implemented your contemporary approach (the schemas, the parts, the leading), I am convinced I could have saved myself a lot of heartache. My divorce clients, too, are consistently disappointed in their marriage and family therapists. There is a lot of money where I live and, it seems, the therapists don’t want to work hard. They prefer easy clients who they can help without a lot of puzzling through what would work best. Thank you for your extremely helpful videos.

[@DrToriOlds]

Oh yes...I am well aware of the struggle to find wonderful therapists. You know, humility is one of the key pieces (in terms of what the research has to say), around what makes therapists effective. As well as simply working hard and really trying to figure out what that individual client needs. So often more 'expensive' / experienced therapists loose that humility and actually don't get any better results, despite their reputation. And plus...it's just hard to do good therapy and we don't have a lot of great training out there. I'd keep looking for some good people, because they are out there...but it isn't always obvious on paper who they are. There certainly are IFS couples therapists, among other approaches I like, like PACT and RLT. Good luck!!

[@robin-personal2039]

@@DrToriOlds Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I will look forward to more of your wonderful videos.

[@MaxKomes]

Wow what quality content! Good job:)

[@TC-rv6sz]

Hi Dr. Olds, I know this isn't a treatment modality you've mentioned in this channel (at least in the vids I've seen), but if I may ask: Does EMDR also work with implicit memory and work thru memory reconsolidation? It's hard to find IFS therapists in my area and I was lucky enough to have been referred to someone who does EMDR, so I was wondering if that modality is also capable of transformational change. Thank you. PS: Your channel is just absolutely amazing! It's really helpful and clarifying that you include the lens of evolutionary biology in order to normalize the various adaptations the nervous system adopts. You are contributing something very unique to the KZbin mental health community!

[@Dbriskit]

This was fascinating - thank you.

[@Star-dj1kw]

❤ excellent

[@PrettyLittleKai]

i love this channel! u are wonderful! u are gonna help so many ppl!

[@DrToriOlds]

Thank you so much! I appreciate the lovely comment! :)

[@sheridanadams1942]

Great videos! The explanations and examples are so very clear. Thank you!

[@DrToriOlds]

Thanks Sheridan! I appreciate that ;)

[@2mnchezmonpsy176]

Thanks for your clarity and your enthousiasm to bring therapies in other levels :)

[@DrToriOlds]

My pleasure! And thanks for posting a nice comment!! ;)

[@Ciskuss]

So clear and wonderful explanation!!

[@DrToriOlds]

Glad it was helpful! thanks so much for the nice comment!! :)

[@sankturban291]

This series was great, thank you, Tori.

[@michelleselman8004]

Dr Tori olds is beyond phenomenal

[@livelife6214]

I’m so thankful for my therapist but this video gave me a way to get pass my lose a little better with therapy and I’m so ready to heal I’m also sad asf

[@Dxmxn1x]

Thank you 😍

[@karenbird1279]

Teri, thank you! I have learned so much from these videos! I really very interested in finding someone like you for my therapist. Please let me know where to look for a qualified IFS therapist! Thanks again!❤️

[@manishagarwal5323]

Dr Tori. great set of videos. Really cogent content. Could you comment on (or point to resources) overthinking these steps, i.e. if one is not sure, there would be tendency to over analyze and further confuse oneself.

[@thefoodtubeprincess]

RIGHT! Like at what point does something change!

[@DrToriOlds]

Great question!!

[@dartcree8185]

The idea density here is very high. I wish you would turn this into books and worksheets.

[@coryadams8390]

This was so helpful!!!! Thank you!!!

[@LewisDanielJohn]

Thank you

[@louiseyoung1231]

Agsin...so helpful. Thank you 😍

[@DrToriOlds]

You're welcome 😊

[@Apachetribesman-we7jv]

You remind me of a healer that worked miracles and he had the same approach as you. His name is JesusChrist ! I think you are him the one who saves the world ! You are the second coming and if you deny it now I know who to look for and expect. Jesus was bias too! Thank you and you make it easy to say to you I love you. Positively

[@AnitaAlibi]

I would love to get down into that nitty gritty stuff. But I would love to find a therapist who gives a shit about me first. I don't think there's anything illegal about sharing words of empathy and encouragement for the honest to god struggles of one's client.

[@DrToriOlds]

Yes!!

[@maggieskip1138]

Soooo helpful 💞💞💞

[@marcelusdarcy]

What if you're suffering in multiple areas and ways that all intersect with each other? Do you just have to start with the one causing the most distress?

[@DrToriOlds]

Not necessarily. Sometimes our system actually prefers to start with something a little easier as we are getting our 'sea legs' in terms of the process. Or we might start with the most distressing piece...but then find we need to slow down to do another part first...and our system will just show us that (actually it won't let us move forward until another piece is addressed first often). Like if someone if trying to do some grief work, but they are afraid of emotions, they are likely going to need to deal with that fear first before being able to fully lean into the grief process.

[@CDAL0]

Thank you Tori.

[@sondina.]

What a great topic

[@dadkhahdadkhah9102]

Hello Dr. Olds, I have two questions. How long does it normally take to find our schemas? And, when should we do self-exploration? when we are doing daily activities, or we should set certain times sit on a chair and think about that?

[@DrToriOlds]

Thanks for the question, Dadkhah! You know, I'm not sure that there is really a 'typical time' it takes. It just depends on our comfort and ability to track our own internal process, whether we have support (like from a therapist)...whether that therapist makes us feel safe or not, and has much capacity themselves...whether we hit up against blocks (like avoidance) or find it easy to do the inner exploration. Gosh, a lot of variables! With the right focus, it can happen quickly, but I think it takes practice to communicate deeply with ourselves in this way. In any case, I know for myself I prefer to sit down and take time to reflect / meditate. I need to only be doing that (not other activities). Probably most of us need to focus like that...but I'm sure everyone is different!

[@dadkhahdadkhah9102]

@@DrToriOlds Thank you for your answer. Can I ask another question? Can we do therapy online or it must be in person? Do you do online therapy?

[@manishagarwal5323]

Also, would behavioral addiction fit into this? How would one go from the point of focus of addictive behavior to finding the cause/memory and resetting it?

[@PeterZeeke]

I've had 4. none of them did this

[@sr000....]

Could you go over flying phobia & procrastination??

[@bengestetner5604]

In this video you explained how to update the schemas beliefs about stimuli, but im wondering if there is a way to instead update the schemas strategy of dealing with the beliefs about the situation instead?

[@a.d.6118]

Amazing.

[@confusedalaskan]

...what awe doll...💙...

[@DrToriOlds]

Thanks Bob!! :)

[@jakefaigen897]

I have doubts about Therapy because I've failed at it in the past, and I know it'll just make me feel shittier if I try and fail again

[@peacer4]

Hi Tori, can you share resources for finding experienced IFS /mindfulness therapists in Chicago?

[@dartcree8185]

1:00 Wish I had one of your clinicians. Just started to day with a new T. I don't trust her. I told my story at her request, and got no questions back. By the end of the session, I felt that I was just a paycheque to her. I'm give it two more sessions, but I'm not optimistic. Once again, I'm finding that people are not dependable, and that the only person I can rely on for help is me. 3:00 So why aren't you in there with the client for sessions. Or why can't you drop in on the next session, and role play with your clinician the troubling aspects that the clinician is having, then turn to the client and tell him/her that it's their job too. I am willing to do the work, but getting really vague direction from the T. I try to give my T more information. I asked if I could send email to her -- she reads much faster than I talk. "Yes. You cuold send a 250 word email per week." 4:24 Yet one of the ways to learn a new skill is to imagine it. -- pre-visualize it. When a ski-instructor taught me this, my skiing improved radically. After each fall, after I collected my garage sale back together, I tried to imagine what it would feel like -- where the weight would move, what my balance would be, to do it right. Within one day I went from falls/per run to falls per day. Your tennis player can, in effect, tune that statistical network by imagining how it should have happened. 7:30 Example of woman snippy at her husband. This example doesn't make sense to me. In her reaction as a kid she rehearses all the reasons that punishment is wrong and unfair. But as an adult, she is not expecting or getting punishiment. And instead of saying that it's unfair, she points out his failings. I don't see these as more than vaguely similar. This is generally true for me in explanations of parts work. The part's action in adult context is not similar to the action as a child. This probably means I'm not generalizing the situations correctly. 8:40 Clear point of focus. I have two foci. A: I want my memories back. I know they will be awful, but they shaped who I am today, and I want to know. B: I want my emotions back. I have emotions now, but they are watered down. Now these are far more general that your example, where she comes in wanting to not snip at her husband. If I become more specific, I have lists of things, classified in groups. Some of them I have been able to improve on my own. (I can now say, "Why thank you!" when receiving a complement instead of taking 10 minutes to explain why I don't deserve it. And most of the time I don't feel like an imposter with a brightly coloured shell for external consumption, and a core of black goo inside.) 10:15 Return to memory/typical scenario. This is hard when all those memories are hiding in dissociated parts. So I actually have the overeating problem. And whatever part is doing the "something bad is going to happen if you don't eat" that part isn't talking with me yet. I do not remember being hungry. But I also remember going to the equivalent of the food bank and getting food, when Mom was too proud to go. Conflicting versions. 11:24 How do I get back to that moment exponentially when I don't remember the moment? 11:40 Exploring -- The importance of non cognitive exploring. 15:24 Click of recognition. No kidding. I was talking to my parts, telling them were safe now, I was big now and could defend them; that the perps were dead or institutionalized; that the abuse couldn't happen again, it happened once only... and trailed off. I *knew* it wasn't just once. It was at least 5 times. And that number 5 came from the little Me whose biggest number was "This many" with fingers spread -- 5. If I hadn't been walking and 2 miles from home, it would have left me shaking on the floor. 16:18 The relief of knowing. When I first learned about my CSA, my reaction wasn't rage, but relief. Anger came later. "This mess I'm in ISN'T MY FAULT." This was done TO me. Fine. I'm resourceful. I can fix this. Or try. And before I was only vaguely aware that something was wrong, but I thought it was all character flaws intrinsic in me, and so miserably accepted me for being messed up me. 19:47 So this is how Cognitive Processing Therapy could work. but also why it might not. It would be critical that the activation happen then disconfirmation work be done in that 5 hour window. This can change the order of CPT. Get activation, then do the first ABC sheet, then the disconfirmation sheet, PLUS holding the disconfirmation in mind. 19:53 First one was true. The first truth is often overgeneralized. Her dad was grumpy, and punished. She generalized this to ALL grumpy people will punish. Overgeneralization is common in neural net training too. I had a dog that would do this. Fall off the doghouse once. Never go on the doghouse again. People do this as adults, hence the phrase, "get back on the horse" before you learn to fear the act of riding. 22:33 Too directive. Lord save me from wishy-washy advice. Tell me the options dammit. Tell me the consequences, or possibilities. Too much vagueness and I get frustrated. Yeah, I know I have to do the work. So teach me. 24:38 "I don't feel safe to know what I feel" I think this is true for LOTS of people with trauma. I mean already I have big chunks of "That was so awful, I hid it away for decades" Right now I'm impatient to find this stuff out. 65 years after it happened. But I stuffed it down way too long. Now that I'm working on undoing the emotional blunting, I'm getting much more frequent "emo-flashes" emotional flashbacks. Not very intense. I wonder now, if the blunting was my young self's way to cope with flashbacks and remain functional. 25:05 "I don't know" becomes, "Let's find out!" or "How can we find out." 26:37 CBT and DBT (and I guess CPT...) I tried CPT. Trouble is, it works with black and white beliefs. (No one loves me. I am a worthless loser. In a previous century I'd be good cannon fodder. Can't trust anyone.) NOt nearly as effective when your beliefs are already grey. If it's "few people love me" then you have to make lists that show more than few. And then you get comebacks like "They haven't seen the real you. If they did...." I think these modalities are at their best when you are already in decent communication with your parts. Until that comes, it's easy to convince Rational Me, but the Parts often don't trust Rational Me. 29:57 "Shame myself first" YES. If I say it it doesn't hurt as much.

[@BlackTrumpet999]

Girl i love you

[@DrToriOlds]

:)

[@AdaAdi77]

I appreciated your video on memory reconsolidation, but this video is a bit disappointing. How well does this beliefs work work? It still feels superficial to me, by comparison with brainspotting and EMDR.

[@DrToriOlds]

You know, if you're really curious what I might suggest is going to the Coherence Institute website and purchasing a demo of Coherence Therapy (It's only one of many transformational approaches to therapy...and I would certainly put EMDR and brainspotting in there as well). Cause it is difficult to capture the depth without watching. The one I suggest has "humble roots" in the title.

[@artunveiled101]

❤❤❤👍👍👍

[@matthewspaid1575]

I love the sound of the silky sound of your voice,I think I'm part girl who love wearing silky lingerie for girls and who love shiny silky satiny faberics on my body so tingely a feeling your voice is perfect

[@amandalynngibson8332]

Thank you so much for your excellent teaching! I have listened to the whole series today. I have made notes and feel so ready to transform.🪷

[@tamaranesic4917]

You are magic. Thanks for finding light and giving it to the other people. You are saving lives. 💞🌟✨💖🧚🧠🌻🌸🌅🐬🐿️🎠🎉🎁🎆🩰🧸🔭🔬💌🟡❤️🙏🙂☺️